The Minstrel's Tale

I feel this needs clarified

2016-02-17T13:11:00.003-07:00

Yes, I am a feminist. No, I do not want Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee in 2016 (or, really, ever).

I get that she has an impressive resume and is tough as diamond plated differential calculus (to steal a phrase from John Green), but it is not my obligation to vote for the first qualified woman to wind up having a reasonable shot at the top of the ticket. Given the choice of anyone currently active in politics, Elizabeth Warren would be my first choice this year. Out of the current crowd of candidates, the old white guy from Vermont is the one who closest resembles her.

Hillary supporters can take solace, though, in the fact that I would vote for a hemorrhoid before I'd vote for any of the boys running on the Republican side of things. Rarely has such a collection of poor credentials and bad ideas been assembled in a single competition for a job.

Trace Amounts pt. 1

2015-11-15T02:06:00.002-07:00

8:00pm

This post is my personal homage to Jeanne Devon, Phil Plait, PZ Myers, and anyone else who has sucked it up and read a "book" or watched a "documentary" just so that the howling masses wouldn't be able to claim that nobody had engaged with that particular item. In this case, it's the documentary Trace Amounts, released this year by Eric Gladen. For those who don't know, this documentary purports to prove a causal link between the mercury-based preservative thimerosal that was formerly used in many vaccines (and is now only used in multi-use vials, especially of seasonal flu vaccine) and autism.

Before I even watch the movie, I'm a bit disgruntled - I purchased it on Amazon for $14.99 with no rental option. I recently purchased both I Am Sam and The Princess Bride for $9.99 each and the entire current season of Doctor Who for $22.99. Not saying that Trace Amounts won't prove to have the lasting impact of The Princess Bride or the emotional pull of I Am Sam, but it did cost me 50% more.

Before I begin, a few ground rules:

I get to drink as much Scotch as I want.
I get to research all assertions.
Any reference to ~~Dr.~~ Andrew Wakefield will immediately discredit any connected assertion: I acknowledge that this is probably poisoning the well and I just don't care.
Any maligning of the CDC will immediately discredit any connected assertion. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, and the CDC is like the NASA of healthcare; if you want someone to put something in space, NASA's record may not be perfect, but they do have the best experts, one of the longest histories, and a greater track record of success than any other game in town.

9:05pm

Oh, man. I've been watching a little bit and researching a lot. So far, I'm six minutes into the movie. If this rate persists, this project should be done around 6:45am tomorrow. I may have to skip some bits.

10:05pm

OH SWEET now he's calling Eli Lilly to see if anyone wants to comment on their compound's toxicity! This is tacky and transparent when you're as good as Michael Moore, and buddy, you're no Michael Moore.

midnight

Well, I've made it through thirty minutes of the movie and have read more articles than I care to count. Hopefully the second two thirds of the movie are more factual, because the first third has made 26 claims that I've researched and only one of them was unequivocally true AND had anything to do with whether vaccines/thimerosal cause autism.

I'm calling it quits for tonight. Here's my table of assertions, evidence, and commentary at this point (the score is 1 TRUE, 3 TECHNICALLY TRUE, 9 IRRELEVANT, and 1 Andrew Wakefield out of 26 assertions so far).

Claim	Evidence	Ruling	Additional Thoughts
thimerosal plays no role in vaccines	preservative effective at .001-.01% concentration http://www.fda.gov/BiologicsBloodVaccines/SafetyAvailability/VaccineSafety/UCM096228#t1	FALSE	At the .01% concentration, 5 micrograms of mercury are entering the bloodstream. Vehicles on US roads emit between .3 and 11.1 nanograms per mile. Assuming the average child drives in a car emitting .5ng/mi and rides an average of 10 miles per day (reasonable in a small place like Sitka, dramatically undershooting for most places), that child will be exposed to 3.5 times the dose of mercury included in a flu vaccine from her own transportation alone, not including any other atmospheric contaminents or other vehicles.
thimerosal in vaccines given to children and pregnant women	given to children only for seasonal flu http://www.fda.gov/BiologicsBloodVaccines/SafetyAvailability/VaccineSafety/UCM096228#t1 not routinely administered to pregnant women except for seasonal flu	TECHNICALLY TRUE
Virginia S. among first eleven children diagnosed with autism	Vivian Murdock pseudonymously known as Virginia S. http://www.ageofautism.com/2013/04/her-name-was-vivian-clues-from-the-age-of-autisms-first-born-child.html	TRUE
historical autism rate of 1 in 10,000 with sharp increase beginning in 1990s	historical diagnosis rate of 1 in 10,000, but surveys of adults holding them to same criteria as current studies of children indicate that rates of autism have not changed http://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/2012/autism-prevalence-more-affected-or-more-detected.shtml	FALSE
mercury content in vaccines causes autism	inconclusive data with mixed results http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1353829208000142, http://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=482546, http://www.swinburne.edu.au/lss/sabri/documents/JRS436.pdf	UNPROVEN, LIKELY FALSE	Claim 1: mercury causes autism (autism rates seem to parallel environmental mercury levels). Claim 2: mercury in vaccines causes autism (no direct evidence). Claim 3: decreases in mercury content in vaccines should result in decreases in autism diagnoses (exact opposite result observed)
Andrew Wakefield as victim	nope	BURN IN HELL	falsified data, paper retracted by Lancet, coauthors retracted paper, lost medical license due to unsafe experimental design
scientific consensus lacking on safety of vaccines/causes of autism	.0000097% of vaccines administered resulted in "serious adverse effects" http://francais.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5201a1.htm no single known cause of autism http://www.autism-society.org/what-is/causes/	MOSTLY FALSE/TRUE
thimerosal (any preservative) used in vaccines because pharma companies are lazy/want to operate in unsterile conditions	preservatives used to protect sterility with multi-use vials between injections http://www.cdc.gov/flu/protect/vaccine/thimerosal.htm#preservatives	FALSE	Unsterile pharmaceutical operations don't stay in business long.
thimerosal in vaccines above mercury exposure threshold	threshold at 5ng/mL blood, 20ng/mL urine - significantly lower than quantities in vaccines	TECHNICALLY TRUE	Bodily absorption rates are not the same as percentages in ingested/injected compounds. 40% alcohol by volume is commonly consumed in 1.5oz quantities.
thimerosal damages paid to plaintiff, records sealed, plaintiff removed from federal case	legal proceedings are not scientific	IRRELEVANT
Eric Gladen tetanus shot resulted in illness, woke up as "a different person"	no concrete claim made, cannot verify
thimerosal administered to 22 Indianapolis bacterial meningitis patients at 1% dose, all of whom died	thimerosal included in vaccines at .01% or less, Lilly administered doses of up to 50ccs http://arch.neicon.ru/xmlui/bitstream/handle/123456789/1443357/amjepid_amjepid_13_1.13-1-296.pdf?sequence=1	IRRELEVANT	Seriously? Take anything that is safe at a .01% dose, make it ten times stronger, and then administer it at ten times the quantity. These people were getting 100x the amount of thimerosal that's in a flu vaccine and it was in its unadulterated form. Also still not causing autism.
thimerosal toxic even at ng concentrations	not even gonna bother looking it up	IRRELEVANT	Toxic does not indicate that it causes autism.
increased vaccination (thimerosal intake) rates in 1980s correlated to increased autism diagnoses		IRRELEVANT	Correlation does not imply causation. As previously noted, studies indicate that autism has been historically underdiagnosed
autism does not exist among the Amish, who do not vaccinate	autism does exist among the Amish http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0002929707000110 and seems universal regardless of vaccine exposure https://spectrumnews.org/news/researchers-track-down-autism-rates-across-the-globe/	FALSE	Autism rates correlate best to the ability of practitioners to diagnose autism.
Mayer Eisenstein (anything the man says)	not an expert in any field related to autism, treats autism with drug not approved for such use http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-autism-doctor-eisenstein-may22-story.html	IRRELEVANT
Bernadine Healy dismayed that medical scientists have not looked into causality	career in medical scientific research (cardiologist), valid scientific viewpoint	IRRELEVANT	Scientists always love finding a new question to pursue. A good scientist wants to see more research done any time a question arises. Still does not link vaccines to autism.
Eric Gladen hearing and vision anomalies, lack of sleep, psychological disturbances	no concrete claim made, cannot verify
Geiers treat autism with Lupron	same treatment used by Mayer Eisenstein, drug developed for chemical castration of sex offenders and never approved for autism, medical license suspended or removed in many states http://www.casewatch.org/civil/geier.shtml		These treatments are worse than the condition.
Bill Thompson: CDC is suppressing autism-related results	http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2015/08/05/the-cdc-whistleblower-william-thompson-appears-to-have-gone-full-antivaccine/	FALSE	Why would the CDC choose to do that?
Karima Hirani "show me the 30/40 year old autistics"	previously did find those, also not a doctor nor medically-qualified as an expert on autism http://www.drhirani.com/ http://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/2012/autism-prevalence-more-affected-or-more-detected.shtml	FALSE and IRRELEVANT
Carolyn Hansen, special education teacher, asserts increase in uncontrollable symptoms over long career	difficult to verify source, but anecdotal observations cannot be confirmed and a Carolyn Hansen with similar service dates was lapsed in Special Education as of 1994, though still employed until 2011 http://www.documents.dgs.ca.gov/oah/TLDecisions/2011031098.169.pdf	IRRELEVANT
mercury causes disintegration of neuron	numerous articles and scholarly papers; mercury has been known as a neurotoxin for decades	IRRELEVANT	Still does not link thimerosal to autism.
vaccines administered at birth and in early months contain extremely higher quantities of mercury than would be safe	Hepatitis B vaccine administered at birth includes no thimerosal, and no other vaccines administered in the first year do either except the flu http://kidshealth.org/parent/pregnancy_newborn/medical_care/immunization_chart.html	FALSE
Andy Cutler: different mercury exposures result in different absorption rates	absorption rates do differ based on exposure type and mercury type http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0147651303000605	TECHNICALLY TRUE	Andy Cutler profits off of a non-scientific treatment for mercury exposure: http://www.curezone.org/faq/q.asp?a=3,76&q=102
injected ethyl mercury is more dangerous than oral methyl mercury	Thimerosal accumulates less mercury in the brain than MeHg, but generates significantly more inorganic Hg, study encourages further research but falls short of identifying brain damage caused by thimerosal http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1280342/	EQUIVOCAL	still doesn't connect to autism

eleven

2015-04-13T20:42:00.001-07:00

7:20pm, 44 and clear
2.2 miles, 25 minutes

...with the dog

ten

2015-04-07T22:47:00.001-07:00

9:20, 46/misty/light breeze
20 minutes, 2 miles (hill run)

nine

2015-04-06T19:54:00.000-07:00

6pm, 46 degrees
41 minutes, 4.3 miles

eight

2015-04-05T18:12:00.001-07:00

4:13, 46 and sunny (light breeze)
56 minutes, 6 miles

seven part 2

2015-03-31T22:10:00.001-07:00

8:45pm, damp ground and 44
19 minutes, 1.7 miles

seven part 1

2015-03-31T19:25:00.001-07:00

6:02, drizzle and 45
18 minutes, 1.6 miles

six

2015-03-27T20:59:00.001-07:00

7:15pm, wet and 43
3.2 miles, 35 minutes (dragging dog)

five

2015-03-24T21:19:00.001-07:00

7:42pm, partly cloudy and 48
29 minutes, ~3.4 miles

four

2015-03-22T17:29:00.002-07:00

3:01pm, sunny and 45
4 track miles, 35 minutes (last mile barefoot)

third run post-1/2 marathon registration

2015-03-20T19:55:00.003-07:00

6:20pm, light rain and mid-40s
25 minutes, ~2.8 miles

March goal: 1 4-mile run per week
April goal: 1 6-mile run per week
May goal: 1 9-mile run per week
June goal: 1 12-mile run per week
July goal: 1 15-mile run every other week/1 9-mile run in between
August goal: 2:15 or faster 13.1 mile race

second run post-1/2 marathon registration

2015-03-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

6:52pm, sunny and mid-40s
35 minutes, ~3.6 miles

I wanted you to be wrong

2015-02-03T08:30:00.001-07:00

But you weren't.

Truly the best of fruit.

2015-02-01T21:32:00.001-07:00

In case you were wondering: yes, an avocado does make an excellent substitute for a stick of butter in your baking.

Al

2015-01-26T21:08:00.001-07:00

It started out just me and him. Tomorrow night - for a brief bit - it will be just me and him again, one last time.

I could learn a lot from an 8-year-old

2014-12-25T19:27:00.001-07:00

Using her own money, my daughter purchased a present for the child who lives upstairs. She did this because she wanted to make sure that we were being good neighbors and she wanted to share. This is simply how she is.

Tonight, she decided that she was ready to deliver the present that she purchased (school supplies, basically). However, we hadn't found time to wrap the presents because we were traveling, so she grabbed a Santa hat of hers and put the present in it. When I asked her if she was really okay with giving away her hat, her response was "I don't really wear hats that much so it's okay."

I'm so proud and I wish I could ever be that naturally and so easily giving. What a thoughtful, beautiful child.

solitude and quietude

2014-12-23T22:20:00.004-07:00

"When I am among the many I live as the many do, and I do not think I really think. After a time it always seems as if they want to banish my self from myself and rob me of my soul."

"I need solitude, which is to say, recovery, return to my self, the breath of a free, light, playful air."

The words of Friedrich Nietzsche are as good as any for opening this thought. I could just as easily have opened with the words of a recent house guest: "It's never quiet in your house. I don't know how you do it."

Being a single father to two young children is not the easiest job I've ever had. I am fully aware of the number of moments where I don't wholly engage because my attention is divided by necessity or the times when simply getting things done means missing out on time spent enjoying each other's presences and learning together or even not managing to get things done because we're trying so hard to get other things done. I know that neither my children nor I are getting the best of each other and it is hard.

However, it takes a change in the routine to see exactly how much of a toll this is taking on me.

Having someone else observe the way that we are together and notice that I am always on, that I give 20% of myself to passive observation of the children even while trying to be fully focused elsewhere? That's a bit eye-opening. Having it mentioned that there is a constant level of activity and noise? Raises awareness. Going on a trip from the rural island life that the kids have known to The Big City, where they are my constant companions and must be instructed at every turn because they aren't used to shopping in a Big City Store where you stay in line-of-sight or because they aren't used to a Big City Parking Lot full of cars whose drivers might not be watching or a Big City Airport where you can't wander off and start touching things or a Big City hotel where you can't be as loud as you want and you can't just start touching things in the lobby because well you might break something and Daddy really doesn't feel like trying to figure out how to afford replacing that? Exhausting and all-consuming.

We departed at 6am yesterday, meaning that we were up before 4. For me, this meant that I got about three hours of sleep, maybe. I kept looking for opportunities to rest and recover, but the kids wanted and needed attention on all four legs of our flight (especially as they got more tired). Even in our layover, it was difficult keeping a pair of exhausted kids corralled. Arriving and trying to get some of our fun plans done didn't save any exhaustion.

Now, after about 34 hours of awakeness and Being On over the past 44 hours, I'm ready for some time to myself. I've repeated myself until I question whether my voice is audible beyond the confines of my own head. I've stopped uncharacteristic behavior repeatedly (seriously? We don't climb on those at home. Don't do it in the hotel for the sixth goddamn time). I've heard crying over things that don't matter and dealt with at least five exhaustion tantrums. I've pushed them and me through exhaustion, and now I need some time for me.

I planned this trip at the last minute because it was a chance to visit with an old, good friend. It also got me out of the house without the need for a babysitter and got the kids off the island for fun, which almost never happens. They needed this trip and it was a good choice at the right time. Unfortunately, I failed to consider the fact that even the lightest of agendas would require that I play referee, tour guide, entertainer, provider, teacher, and motivator pretty much non-stop.

The kids are in bed. They are quiet enough that I can assume, from the other room, that they are both asleep. What they saw of me before bed was not my best self, nor at all what I like for them to see of me before they sleep, but it was the best self that I could muster. Taking ten minutes to draft this post feels great, especially since the only sounds I can hear in the suite right now are the sounds of my keys. I really want to open the book that I've been trying to read, but I can feel my eyelids. The only force strong enough to keep them open right now is willpower and my willpower will dissolve as soon as my focus on finding the words for this post ends. I may well pass out on the couch here, simply because it's that nice to feel alone for a few minutes.

2014-12-19T18:34:00.001-07:00

I can only advocate for so many parties in the situation before I lose the ability to deal with the situation at all. Being empathetic and avoiding being trampled and trying to remain impervious to constant attacks and still trying to stand up for the needs of the children, I don't even get to speak up for what I need.

This doesn't work. I cannot always be the strong one, absorbing others' difficulties and supporting others' needs.

maybe?

2014-11-30T21:50:00.001-07:00

If you're not terrified twice a week, maybe you're not in love.

a voice from beyond

2014-11-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

I've heard many times before about people hearing a piece of wisdom from the voice of a wise, "departed" ancestor. Somehow, I'd always excused that as a form of rhetoric.

Earlier tonight, I was involved in an argument that didn't really go anywhere productive. We both brought out the big guns and succeeded in irritating, angering, frustrating, and otherwise ruining the rest of the day for each other without scoring any body shots.

Just a few minutes ago, the voice of Papa Nate came to me, literally, in the back of my mind. Not only did it sound like him, it delivered the kind of crisp rebuke that he could so easily fire off. "Great. You both won. Now what?"

I don't know how my brain pulled that one off, but it was just what I needed. I miss that man so much.

my, how time flies

2014-09-17T21:32:00.001-07:00

Yesterday marked a month since Jo moved out. I would do well to keep it in mind that, though it feels as if much more time has passed, it's only been four and a half weeks.

Looking at the four of us coping with this change in our family, we're all struggling in our own ways. It's easy to take a look at any one of us in a good moment and to see how well that person is taking it and how little the change is impacting that person. The bad moments are different for all of us.

The Boy is still really struggling with his schedule. He's getting exhausted just about every day because he has to get up and going earlier in the day. He tries not to complain, and he's really being a champ about it all, but he also has developed a need to be close most nights in order to get a good night's sleep.

The Girl is trying to balance the stresses of home with the typical stresses of being in third grade - homework is more extensive, friends are shifting, and she's getting more and more responsibility at home as well. On the surface, she may be handling things the best of all of us, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's something lurking under there.

Jo probably has it worst right now. She's been uprooted from everything that she and I built over more than eight years. She sees her kids almost every day, but only gets to be their Mama with them one evening a week. I can't imagine how hard that must be, and it tears me up just thinking about it. She's trying to be strong and independent and so I'm giving her that space and trying as much as I can to follow Wheaton's Law.

Me? I work really long days. From the moment I wake up until the moment the kids go to sleep, I'm taking care of somebody's kids. When that ends, I have to decide whether I'll take some time for me (a movie on Netflix or a book?) or whether I'll try to catch up on sleep. I feel lonely, but I think it's mostly for lack of someone with whom I can be domestic. In many ways, though there are so many more responsibilities for me to shoulder, it's easier because I know that they're all mine and I always know who's to blame when something goes undone.

We're entering the wet season, to be followed closely by the dark season. I imagine this will all get a lot more difficult for all of us at that time, but until then, I will try to focus as much as I can on the fact that there is still a lot of love and a lot of laughter to be had.

sometimes you really have to work hard to find the sun

2014-09-17T18:44:00.001-07:00

This past Sunday, I sure did. About thirty students and about ten chaperones headed 10 miles across the ocean (saw lots of humpback behavior while we were did that), then took just over eight hours to get up a dormant volcano and back. Here are some images from the hike:

Alaskans are fancy with their offloading. Click any image for bigger versions.

The hike began in rainforest...

...but it didn't take long to transition to muskeg.

Muskeg is essentially the same as a peat bog. Standing in that puddle for long would have been a bad idea.

Sitka TrailWorks put in some nice boardwalks...

...and a bunch of bridges. The manpower involved in transporting and building in these more remote locations is mind-boggling. And the stairs are leg-tormenting.

We're basically hiking through clouds here, which means that the spiderwebs look awesome. Also, TONS of berries low to the ground.

Taking a quick rest with our group and previewing the sunshine.

There's some sun!

No, this isn't the steepest part yet.

From here on up, it's all scree. Imagine a mix of pumice, feldspar, basalt, and bits of obsidian (you know, the crap that a volcano spews out when it builds a cinder cone), where almost all of it is smaller than your hand. Where it's carpeted in low-lying berries, it's almost easy to hike. Those run out halfway up, though.

Yes, those are mountains past the clouds.

This .6 mile stretch took an hour to climb down. Taking breaks heading up was a good idea.

The stakes are there to guide hikers on low-visibility days. They are important progress markers, too, for motivating people to go just a few steps further.

The cairn marks the top of the trail. From here, it's an easy jaunt to the crater (maybe 200 meters).

Panorama!

That's what "dormant" looks like.

Yep, that hiking kilt worked perfectly. We took some group shots and enjoyed lunch in the sun and wind.

Of course, if you go up...

It wasn't so much a "climb" down as a "slide" down.

I do plan to eventually edit this to be black and white with this music in the background. If you don't find that funny, you need to watch more good movies. Don't bother trying to play the movie - I'll share it on YouTube when it's ready to go. For right now, it's essentially just a GIF.

A first glimpse of the ocean! 14 miles and 3200 vertical feet and we were definitely ready to be done.

They brought a bigger, nicer boat to take us back. We still had to use a ladder to get on!

These guys didn't even see the juvenile humpback breach twice in under a minute. It was spectacular - completely vertical, a twist, everything cleared the water except its flukes. No chance I was wasting time finding my camera.

So there you have it. That's how Alaskans do day hikes.

slow, quiet days are bad

2014-09-06T21:29:00.001-07:00

I'm beginning to dread my weekends.

Today, I had two things on my agenda: make breakfast for the kids and go to the Farmer's Market. I added a few small errands on the way to the Market, but my schedule was clear by 12:30. Normally, that would sound like a recipe for a great day, but it wasn't quite.

The first problem was that today was rainy. I have realized that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is an adorably-named affliction aside from the fact that calling it "SAD" is much cuter than the actual disorder and the fact that it blows to have my mood connected to my vitamin D levels. I take D supplements on a daily basis, which enable me to do really well on sunny days here and decently on days where there is intermittent sun. A day like today, however, is really rough. Not only was it wet, it has been so rainy that we're on track to double a rainfall record older than me. The gray got less dark at one point, and I guess that's what counts for sun today.

The second problem was that not having anything on the schedule means that I'm sitting here, alone with my thoughts. I had tentative plans to spend all of tomorrow being physically active and some of this evening hanging out with adult friends, but those plans got shelved when tomorrow's forecast canceled the outdoor activity and the overnight babysitting. Instead, I'm cooped up in the house with a pair of great kids who have a lot of energy and good will, but aren't adults at all. It has been pointed out to me recently that stay-at-home parents get to deal with this scenario daily, but I don't even get the relief of having an adult coming to spend some of the evening with me. Normally, when I'm alone with my thoughts, being musical helps to banish the demons. Several hours of attempting that have only helped the smallest of amounts.

I should probably read, but my desire for sociability is too great. I should find something to do, but my heart isn't in chores (and I've done enough laundry, cooking, and cleaning today - I deserve at least part of a day off from that). I have had one nice conversation on the phone with a friend, but a long-distance phone conversation, pleasant as it was, is just not the same as being around people. I should seek out physical activity, but it's wet and I can't leave the kids alone and I just don't wanna try that hard right now.

I don't need much - though I'd love to have someone here to cuddle with, simply having someone (or a few someones) to talk with over dinner or play cards with would be enough at this point. This is the part that's hard for me, and I don't expect many people to understand.

worth remembering

2014-09-03T13:50:00.003-07:00