As a young, poor, hard-core, #1 Arellano University High School fan, hindi ako kumakain kapag recess  para makabili ng cassette tape sa SM Harrison Plaza when the album was launched.

And when they released the first single HONEY,  talaga namang inabangan ko sa MTV Fresh with VJ Rahul yung video. At dahil wala pang YouTube noon, aabangan ko naman yung replay ng program para mapanood ko ulit. I was so euphoric every time na  napapanood ko si Mariah sa video na yun. I think it was the first time she went daring from her wholesome sugar pop image. In fact, yun yung time na naghiwalay sila ng boss/ husband niyang si Tommy Mottola and Butterfly is symbolical to her personal growth nung makawala na siya sa strained relationship nila. (Ako na madaming alam.)

Adik na adik ako sa kantang yon. Paulit ulit ko siya pinapatugtog sa Walkman ko. Yes, – WALKMAN. So, ibig sabihin ire-rewind ko pa. Tapos pag nalow bat, bili ulit ng Eveready batteries. Or worse, like this:

Ewan ko ba pero once pinasak ko na sa tenga ko yung earphones at pinatugtog yung Honey, it seems like I’m entering into a different world. Wala nakong pakiam sa nangyayari sa paligid ko. May sarili nakong mundo. – MARIAH’S WORLD!

At dahil ako lang ang nakakarinig ng pinapatugtog ko, that takes me into my own twilight zone. My own turf, in my own production, sitting like a queen, sipping my MOET, sporting a sexy lingerie, wearing very dark sunnies to protect my eyes from the flashes of cameras from the paparazzi, being a global superstar, SHOOTING MY OWN MUSIC VIDEO!  Like, I’m Mariah herself. Ganun na katindi.

In fact, memorize ko lahat ng galawan niya. Feel na feel ko talaga. At dahil dun naging feelingera ako. As in.

Like, kapag papasok ako sa pintuan ng bahay ng bestfriend kong si Sharon kasama yung dalawang barkada kong lalaki para tumambay, kailangan ganito ang posing ko pagbukas ng pinto:

‘Pag mahangin sa labas.

Pag umaahon ako sa swimming pool sa Pansol, Laguna.

…After swimming para magbihis.

Or kahit nakaupo lang ako sa sala, nanonood ng MTV. Wala akong naririnig.

Yun pala kanina pa pala ako sinisigawan ng tatay ko para  utusang mamalengke sa kanto ng subdivision namin.

And speaking of pamamalengke…

Isang umaga, inutusan ako ng tatay ko mamalengke sa kanto. Dahil malayo kami sa labasan ng subdivision, ginamit ko yung mountain bike niya sa labas ng bahay.

Gustong-gusto ko yung ngba-bike ako, naka-shades tapos nakapasak yung earphones ko habang pinapatugtog yung Honey. May part kasi sa music video na nakasakay si Mariah Carey sa jetski habang hinahabol ng mga bandido sa dagat.

Ginagawa ko, bibilisan ko yung pagpidal sa bisikleta tapos uunahan ko yung mga tricycle or ibang mga nagbbibisikleta sa main road. Sila kunwari yung mga kalaban tapos kunwari hinahabol nila ko. Parang sa music video:

Minsan, nanggigitgit pako pag mas bata sakin yung nagba-bike.

Tapos lalagpasan ko silang lahat. Feeling ko nakatakas ako sa mga humahabol sakin sa dagat. Tapos magfa-  flying kiss.

Medyo masakit nga lang sa hita kakapidal lalo na kapag dumarating nako sa may bandang labasan ng subdivision namin. Pataas kasi yung kalsada  kaya bumaba nako akay yung mountain bike kasi antarik talaga bes, di ko kaya. Babawi na lang ako pauwi kasi free fall na, hindi ko na kailangan ipidal yung bike.

Pagtapos ko bumili sa Wet & Dry Market sa Salawag, pasak uli ng earphones tapos pindot ng para ituloy yung pagsho- shoot ng “music video” ko.

And it’s just like Honey….when your love… Comes…. Over me…

Humahangin- hangin pa yung buhok ko habang nagba-bike kaya feel na feel ko na naman! Ambilis ng pidal ko.  Shempre, inunahan ko uli yung mga kalaban tricycle, yung mg naglalakad, tsaka yung bisikletang may sidecar pero walang bubong, yung parang pangdeliver ng mineral water, pero yun may angkas na isang sakong bigas.

As the biggest selling female artist of all time, kailangan ako ang mauna sa chase. Music video ko ‘to. Ako ang BIDAbida at sila ang mga goons. Kaya pag nalalagpasan ko sila, Magfa-flying kiss ako sabay irap – like a true diva. Kitang kita ko yung reaction sa mukha nila. They were like: WTF??!

Dedma.

Pagdating ko sa kanto ng subdivision namin, nandun na yung matarik na daan pababa kaya tinigil ko na yung pagpidal ko kasi free falling na yung kalsada. There you goooo!!! Woooooohhhhhh! Dire- diretso ako pababa.

All the world, we won,t stop. Hey, Mariah… You’re on Fiyah…

Antulin ng jetski bisikleta ko! Pero nasa likod ko lang yung isang kalaban kaya kailangan  kumaliwa ako sa intersection pagdating sa baba para matakasan ko siya. Kailangan lituhin ko siya para di niyako masundan. So,  hinayaan ko lang nadumausdos yung bike ko pababa ng matarik na kalsada sabay kabig pakaliwa ng manibela to make a turn. Woooohhh!!! Yesss! Natakasan ko siy…

” Ayyyyy!!! PUT—-!!!!!!!”- may sumigaw.

Shet. Ano yun? Lumingon ako.

Kitang- kita ko yung nagda-drive ng sidecar tumilapon galing sa likod ko sabay tama sa poste sa kanto ng intersection kasabay yung isang sako ng bigas n bumagsak sa kanya!

” Oh my G-“
kinabahan nako.

I turned off my Walkman and took off my eaprhones. “Shet. Anong nangyari?”

Pagtingin ko sa likod ko, nakita ko yung gulong sa harap ng sidecar niya na- otso.
Nakasunod pala yung bike na may sidecar ng bigas sa likod ko habang nagf-free fall ako sa bike sa pababang road sabay liko pakaliwa.  At dahil nga matarik yung daanan pababa, hindi naman niya ma- control yung bigat ng angkas nyang bigas kaya biglang kabig naman niya ng manibela pakanan para iwasan akong mabangga sa harapan nya! Sa sobrang lakas ng pagkahinto niya, tumalsik siya sa unahan ko, tumama sa poste. Ang malupit pa nun, kasunod na bumagsak sa kanya yung isang sako ng bigas!

Pagtingin ko uli sa harap, nakita ko yung sidecar driver minumura nako habang pinipilit niyang iangat yung isang sako ng bigas na nakadagan sa kanya. Wait— parang may bukol pa ata sa ulo!

OMG!!! Pinidal ko ulit at inatakbo ko ng matulin yung bike ko.  Just like that, Mariah Carey became Lance Armstrong. Pucha humarurot yung bike ko- walang lingon-lingon! Dire-diretso ako hanggang bahay. Pagdating ko sa gate namin, I got off from the bike, snatched the sando bag of groceries and zoomed inside the house. – Sabay lock ng pinto. Nangangatog sa takot. Yun na yung huling beses kong namalengke nun. Paghugasin nyo nako, laba, etc. hatawin man ako ng tatay ko ng bakal na hanger, HINDI AKO MAMAMALENGKE. Siguro, halos buong summer akong hindi nakalabas ng bahay sa takot na baka hunting-in ako ng mga nakakita sa nangyari.

I could not believe it! Pano ba naman, sa mura kong edad, na nangangarap lang namang umarte sa isang music video, – ay naka-HIT AND RUN nako. Well, almost. Dami ko nang naisip nun. Na-imagine ko na na may mga naghahanap sakin na NBI, tas hinuli ako ng mga pulis. Tapos naka-posas nako… etc. ( Mariah style.)

Mula nun, hindi ko na rin pinapatugtog yung Honey. Pinahiram ko yung cassette tape kay kay Ate Rory, yung kapatid ng kapitbahay naming si Ding a.ka. PUFF DADDY. ( o diba, akala niyo ako lang nagfu-fumeeling?)

That was 20 years ago.

After a while, dun ako tumira sa tita ko sa Makati at matagal na hindi nakabalik sa  Cavite. Pero kapag umuuwi ako sa bahay namin doon, naaalala ko pa rin yung kasalanan na nagawa ko. hindi pa rin ako lumalabas ng bahay sa sobrang guilty. Like HOT GUILTY kasi nga may kasalanan akong tinakasan sa mundo. Ngayon may isip nako at alam ko na na hindi pala ako dapat tumakbo kundi dapat hinarap ko yung sitwasyon. I want to make it right. Umaasa akong makita yung driver ng sidecar para makahingi ng sorry sa naging bunga ng kalandian malilikot kong pag iisip noon. At sana mapatawad niya ako. Kaso hindi na yata nakatira doon si kuya. (At hindi ko rin naman alam kung san siya nakatira.) Kaya naman hanggang ngayon nakokonsensha pa rin ako pag naaalala ko yun. And until makahingi ako ng sorry dun sa taong yon, feeling ko… hinahabol pa rin ako ng mga goons  sarili kong  konsensya.

All the world, we won,t stop. Hey, Mariah… You’re on Fiyah…

LESSON: Thou Shalt not feel like you’re on MTV pag mamamalengke.

… And in three years…( pause for 3 seconds)

–*AMAZING things can happen.
(* emphasis added.)

– Or NOT.

My name is Zapped.
I’m a freelance, non-paid, sporadic writer.

5 years ago, I created a blog where I teach lessons from each mistakes that I encountered.  I called it my MISEDUCATION.  My blog turned out to become a “Day Care”  at ang pinakauna kong naging pupil ay ang bestfriend ko, si  “Aling Baby”.

Then, I had a few people who visited the Day Care and “enrolled” for the school year. Soon, I’ve been teaching a class and they called me Teacher Zapped.  My hobby turned out to become my passion as I write my stories. And having someone telling you how much they can relate to what you’ve written or even more inspired of what you are doing, is the most rewarding feeling of all. Dahil dun, I finally realized, I wasn’t born to be the next American Idol or to be the next Steve Jobs.
I was born nothing, but – to WRITE.

And I write about my mistakes.

Intentionally or not, I realized there is something about each mistakes that needs to be discovered.  Painful to experience, yet there is always a hidden wisdom flourishing inside.  And it usually hits you like a  fortune cookie made out of  thick, red  brick right up in your forehead. And when it finally cracks on you, the WISDOM comes out of it. Some small. Some smaller. But most of the time, it’s huge, sharp and it comes in different shapes. Like a gemstone.

-I call it LESSONS.  Like gems, these treasured wisdom I have earned the hard way. And I’m sharing every piece of it … with you.

I say : The bigger the mistake, the bigger the lesson.

The University of Zapped

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Soon.

Single ka rin ba?

Lagi ka na lang bang “odd” number kasi ikaw lagi yung pangatlo pag kasama ng barkada mo ang shota nila?

Madalas ka bang nag-aadvise sa mga kaibigan mo about issue nila ng boypren/ girlfriend niya at talaga namang ang husay mo magpayo pagdating sa pag-ibig ng tropa mo pero wari bagang naninigas ka na lang na parang bato na tinaihan ni Ibong Adarna pag ikaw na tinatanong tungkol sa lovelife mo kasi wala ka mashado ma-share? Naranasan mo na bang mainggit maurat sa mga lovers na maingay na naglalambingan sa park? Nagsasawa ka na ba maglakad mag-isa pag gabi? Manipis na ba ang unan mo sa mahabang panahong kakayakap mo sa kanya? Umabot ka na ba sa puntong gustong- gusto mo nang may kasama sa sinehan? Gusto mo na ba sumandal sa isang upuan habang may nakaakbay sayo/ inaakbayan ka sa tabi mo? Minsan ba hiniling mo na sana meron ka ring isang taong pwede mong yakapin at pwede mong sabihing SA’ YO?

if not, naging single ka rin naman siguro sa buhay mo. At alam kong alam mo, minsan sa buhay ng isang single na kagaya ko, aminin mo man o hindi, na kahit ilang kaibigan pa ang idagdag mo sa listahan mo, anong branded shirt pa ang isuot mo, kahit gaano pa kamahal ang celfone mo, kahit ilang milyon pa ang pera mo sa bangko o kahit ano pang mahahalagang bagay ang itakip mo sa sarili mo- ALAM KO- NAKARAMDAM KA RIN NG FEELING NA “PARANG MAY KULANG PA RIN” SA BUHAY MO. AMININ NATIN: KAILANGAN MO NG ISANG TAONG KUKUMPLETO SAYO.

For the nth year…hinanap ko kung sino ba ang taong ito. Gustong gusto ko na siyang makilala at i-welcome sa buhay ko. So I tried to search on the prowl. I tried look for this person everywhere. Habang naglalakad sa mall, sa beach, sa simbahan, sa bar, sa kabilang table sa Sbarro, sa bookstore, sa bus, sa fx, sa museum, sa Star City, sa office, sa Burnham Park, sa bertdeyan, sa fiesta, sa palengke..? ( Shopwise naman.), Sa Cebu, sa chatroom, sa friendster, sa text, etc. In short, -I’M LOOKING FOR THE ONE.

Pero hindi pala ganun basta basta mahanap yung taong yun. Ang buhay pala eh hindi kagaya nung napapanood natin sa Drama Rama sa Hapon na umupo ka lang sa Breakwater, may lalapit na sayo at makikipagkilala. Kasi nakailang beses nako umupo sa Baywalk sa likod ng Mall Of Asia–ni isang matinong tao.. walang lumapit. Meron man.. may kapartner na. O kaya yung gwardya. Pinapaalis nako kasi alas dos na ng madaling araw. Sarado na mall. Lagi na lang mga ipis-dagat na nag aakyatan sa bato galing sa seashore ang kasama ko. Tsaka lamok. Maliban dun… wala na. Ilang taon nang ganyan. Ilang pasko na. Ilang bagong taon na…hanggang sa inabutan na naman ako ng…

February 14 2009. Valentine’s Day.

Araw ng mga puso. Araw daw ng mga lovers. (So kaming mga single walang puso, ganun? ) Almost all of my friends have their dates so I was left with only 2 choices: stay inside the house and savor another night of dreadful singleness… or: – GET OUT AND LIVE MY LIFE.

This time, I chose the latter.

And since I’m dating nobody this Valentine’s day, I decided to DATE MYSELF. “I will give anything to my date.” I assured. “What do you want for dinner? “ I thought of getting a Baked Zitti and a Garlic Bread again so I went to MOA (Favorite talaga. Malapit lang kasi samin.) again only to find out nandun pala lahat ng lovers/ couples. (May Lovapalooza party kasi.) And I mean they were literally everywhere! And they are invading Sbarro! I tried to walk away as fast as I could.” Because it’s Valentine’s Day they (lovers) think they own all the places.” I said bitterly. So lumipat ako sa akala kong mas konti ang tao- sa Rice in a Box. Pumila agad ako. Lumingon-lingon lang ako kung ano pang pwedeng bilhin nang biglang sumingit ang isang babaeng ito bitbit ang kanyang boypren. Nakita na nyako dun ah pero talagang tumabi pa sakin at akmang uunahan ako sa pila. At hindi ako nagkamali- nung umusad yung pila, siya ang pumila sa taong nasa harapan ko! Gusto ko nang humiyaw sa galit! Groowwrrrrr!! “May Boypren ka na nga eh! Ano pa gusto mo?!!! Porke ba Valentine’s Day ngayon at single ako kaya lahat na lang, pati banaman sa pila gusto niyo kayo bida?! “ sa isip-isip ko kaso hindi ko na nasabi kasi biglang inannounce nung kahera na out of stock na yung order ko. o Diba? May discrimination talaga!

Naiinis na yung “date” ko so I decided to relax and shake those stress away. So I asked ” Wanna go clubbing?” It sounds good to me that night so sinagot ko naman yung tanong ko ng: “Sure!” and the next thing I knew, I was in in front of The Bar*, the busiest and the hottest club that night in Malate.

2oo pesos equals to 3 stubs consumable to drinks. Usually, I only pay for the entrance and give the stubs to my friends and go straight to the dancefloor kasi hindi naman ako umiinom. (hindi na.9 yrs na.) The club was jampacked. Hindi mahulugang karayom. And ofcourse, it’s VD, so hindi pa rin ako nakatakas sa mga couples sa loob. I tried to ignore them and took me a bottle of San Mig Lite. It’s my first beer bottle after 9 yrs! “I will do everything I want tonight.Well, just for tonight.” after getting it from the bar, I tried to sail away from those dancing couples before I curse them out of jealousy and checked out the other single people around. I know I am an optimistic person and Iwas still hoping before that Valentine’s Day ends ,at least somehow, some magical thing will happen that someone is destined to be there wating for me to finally meet. I spotted some few goodlooking… but that night, I was doomed to be so invisible.

The clock striked 12 o’ clock.

… And that magical thing never happened.

I began to sink again. What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough for someone to have? Do I really have to look like this bitch on the corner licking a guy’s face to be liked? Am I too prudish? Bakit tong mga bisexuals nga sa tabi ko nakakahanap ng partner eh.. bakit ako hindi?

I went out gloomily from the bar for a quick break. I missed smoking. I thought and took a stick from a street vendor across the street. That’s the 2nd indulgence that I had after the beer. I’m still busy thinking about my miserable life as a hopeless romantic single ” looking for someone else” when someone appeared also to be” looking for something else” . A woman opened the garbage bin infront of me and started digging those plastic cups from the bottom. I realized that she’s collecting plastics to sell. ” Pahingi po kahit limang piso pambili lang ng kanin. “ she said. I offered her to get some hotdog sandwich, my treat but she said that 5pesos will be enough to buy rice. She needs to get a good heavy dinner.

I stood there gaping as she took the 5 peso coin from my hand and walked to check the garbage bin standing at the next street.

OMG.How selfish I am! How can I be so consumed thinking ako na ang pinakakawawang tao sa buong mundo (o kahit sa buong malate na lang) Eh samantalang may mas worst pa ngang problema kesa sa paghahanap lang ng jowa! Tapos ako ano? para yun lang nagse-self pity na?Mmmmbobo ko!

That puts me back into sanity again. I threw the half consumed cigarette stick on the street and decided to END THIS BULL—-. And when I say Bull—-, it means stop the searching. Stop the whining. Stop complaining.Stop the waiting.

And just like that, I finally decided to STOP my insanity and JUST LEAVE the country.

TAMA NA. KUNG MERON, DARATING NA LANG YAN. But for now, I gotta do what’s best for me. I will sign the contract to work abroad and fly next week. It’s 3:45 am.I’ll just consume my last stub for a mineral water and go home by exactly 4am. I did my last march inside the bar and give myself my “last dance” as it played my much awaited song ” Shining Star.”

My eyes were closed, moving to the beat, savoring my last few minutes on the jampacked dancefloor. Not caring anymore if people thinks I am the loneliest single person who went to the bar alone that night.

The time is 3:52 a.m. And just about when I was ready to leave, feeling the music for the last time as it fades away,I suddenly felt that someone is also “feeling” my private!

I immediately backed off and looked who owns the hands that “rocks” my cradle. And there, beside me was a 50 year old drunked man who looked like the fish ball vendor where I bought the cigarette, his shirt pulled up and was almost showing his private! I cried for help but no one could hear me because of the noise aside that the club is banging! I tried to escape but the floor is packed I can’t even move! And look, the 50 yr old man is attacking me!!!

For the very first time in my life…. NAGDASAL AKO SA GITNA NG MAINGAY AT NAGSUSUMIKSIKANG DANCE FLOOR. “Help me.” naimpit na boses kong sabi kasi helpless rin naman kahit sumigaw ka.Tanggap ko nang kay suklap ng buhay. Napapikit na lang ako habang nakatitig yung mama sakin aktong aakmain ako ng …

Biglang may kamay na humila ng braso ko and captured me away from the attacker As I opened my eyes, I realized I was held locked inside someone’s arms… And I’ve never felt so safe in my life before. I looked up to see the person who saved my private part…and the most- my dying heart. Instead, I saw the most beautiful smile in the world that night that only helps me to throw my arms on his neck tightly. “Help me! pls!”

“Ok. ” He said staring straight back at me as if I am the only person that exists on the dancefloor. “I’m Topher*… Ok ka lang? ”

I tried to check for the 50 yr old guy who started to move back away from us amusingly as he disappeard from the crowd.

” I think I am now.” I assured him as I exhaled for relief.

“Ok.” Topher said. Then he enveloped me inside his arms again. Much better this time. “…Just stay here.”

And when he said “stay here”, he means -“inside his arms” where I was meant to be all along.

I checked my phone. it’s4 a.m. – Topher was a Buzzer Beater.

I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head as I recount the unpleasantries I had that day. After a series of unfortunate events, who would’ve thought this story will end up to become the most beautiful Valentine’s Day Story of all time in my life? And just when you thought everything has blown up… suddenly, something will come up to make everything alright. Yes, I have concluded that this kind of twisted fairy tale love story only happens in movies . But that night… that kind of twisted fairy tale love story – happened to me.

LESSON?

-Even a hopeless romantic single’s prayer in the middle of a noisy dancelfoor can be heard.

I was overwhelmed. I don’t know how to start. I was so excited to scan those cheap books I can browse for free I almost forgot I only had enough to spend for a 20 peso ballpen. And while I was just canvassing  for something to give as a post Christmas present to a friend, I came across this thick, blue, square sized book which title caught up my attention.

                                                                                                                                                                              It was the “20 QUESTIONS” book. A classic game book where you need to guess the correct  answer by the 20 clues given for each subject.

At the back flip cover of the book there is a spinner to choose the subject.

                        …  and it can be PEOPLE. A PLACE. A THING or the YEAR.  

 ” Sounds  familiar.” I said to myself .   This game , apparently, is somewhat always current in a relationship. A game full of guessing and wondering of what’s the truth and what is not.   “Games people play.”   

 And speaking of games, My friend Kayleigh* played this game last month. After  breaking the record  for being single for 8 years in a row, she  finally decided to break off the chain. So she packed up her baggage full of singlehood memories and immediately flew out of Singlesville. She was so excited to be back  in a relationship again she wanted to have someone delievered  right to her doorstep like an order from e-Bay.com. But instead, she went in an online chatroom and met Ian*.  They were instantly attracted to each other over the webcam. She thought it wouldn’t make a lot of difference in person now so they decided to become online lovers. ” I’m so happy I met you. Thanks. “ she said one night during their midnight unli calls. ” Don’t say Thanks. It sounds goodbye to me. Just say I love you. – I love you, Kayleigh. “ Ian said.

 2 weeks of  phonecalls and countless I love you over the phone  later, They finally went for the much awaited eye-ball. They were exactly the way they described each other. They went to a small park and tried to make everything real like it was over the phone and  tried to be the best for each other that  night. Although they didn’t  kiss that night coz Ian said he needs to go early, Kayleigh held her hand before they went home. ” He might be too shy. ” she told herself.  “it’s alright. It’s still our first date. “  That night, kayleigh is officially in a relationship.

She woke up the next day still wearing a big smile she was wearing since last night. She can’t believe this is happening. She woke up non-single anymore. She is now in a relationship with someone that she likes and loves her back. Atleast that’s what she thought so. Until she read Ian’s text message on her phone while she was sleeping:

” Thanks.”

Kayleigh didn’t get it at first, but then she suddenly remembered what Ian meant with that word so she tried to call him back and sent him a message. But  no response.  

She  never heard of him again since then.

And just like that… Kayleigh was back in Singlesville.

I flipped through the pages inside the game book. I can’t help but think of  MY OWN QUESTIONS about this game called LOVE. Questions Kayleigh also have,  like: Does s/he really likes me? Why didn’t  s/he call me back?  What did I do? Why Didn’t I saw it coming? What have I done to deserve this?

 As I checked out this page with sample  clues to solve the puzzle, I noticed that it’s hard to know the answer right away  from the 1st given clue. For you to finally guess the correct answer, YOU NEED TO GET MORE CLUES.  Kayleigh was caught offguard. She wasn’t aware of the upcoming tragic. And before she knew Ian will blew it all over her face, it was over.

In a relationship, we all want to know the real score. WE WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.  Wether if we want to know if someone is cheating, or somone wants to break up with you.- we all need clues  to find out so that we can avoid the most hurting part. If someone didn’t kiss you on your first date… does it automatically means the guy is just not that into you? Or are they too afraid to be accused of taking advantage? If you often calls your bf/gf first more than s/he do, does it necessarily means you have more feelings than s/he do for you?

I can’t help but wonder: ” IF YOU ARE BLINDED  INLOVE, ARE THERE ENOUGH CLUES IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY BREAK YOUR HEART? “

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOST? 

I grew up hearing lots of different stories about ghosts in our small neighborhood in Pasay City. My friend’s sister  Joan, once claimed she saw one of our friend Jeffrey, waving goodbye as he went inside dark the corner beside a parked truck… just a few days after his death.

I, also claimed to see one. The only thing is… this kind that I have can really bite you in reality. The ghost that gives me a total fright just by a single thought of it. The kind that makes me lock inside my room the whole day and almost shook me from within.

 The Ghost of My Past.

Once in my life.. I had a childhood. And I never thought how fragile it was to be of age 7 until someone made a scar on my early memory. My Older brother’s friend, Bill* abused me, sexually. At first, I thought he only wants to join me in my playing but I’m wondering why was he leading me to the comfort room. From there he made me do things little one shouldn’t know, He made me touch something that I have and I swear to ___ I don’t know why I have to relinquish my young strength to his persuasion. I know perfectly  it only happened once… but the effect is still vivid and alive. It’s following me… giving me the chills of heavy guilt….And it’s been haunting me ever since.

But my curiosity led me to a habit. And my habit, is starting to create an addiction. But before it even grow to create a character which I ghastly refuse to become… I decided to put an action to it.

I tried everything to get away from it. Even if it takes moving to another city and has cost me to be away from my closest friends. I tried to keep it from everybody else and pretend it doesn’t exist. But somehow, the more I tried to keep it.. the more it became powerful. Real and intense.

So, I tried to change. I tried to change my environment.  I tried to change the way I live. Cut off some huge amount of friends that might indulge me to do it and I even tried changing my beliefs about the Maker and cling to my religion to make it totally disappear. And I’m glad I made a way to battle the fear it has made on me. One day I woke up feeling it wasn’t there anymore and I’ve never felt so healthy than before.  

SO I MADE A CONCLUSION THAT THERE IS NO GHOST TO SCARE ME ALL MY LIFE.

Until,many years later… I saw myself working in an office heading to the Comfort Room. Inside, I saw a man staring at me on the mirror. His eyes were fixed straight at me that somehow made me feel uncomfortable.But then I tried to overcome the growing chills on my back by being brave enough to offer my left hand and promptly introduced myself…but the moment he reached my hand, thinking it’s a call for a firm handshake, I knew there was something beneath this man that gives me the goosebumps. And as his hand pulled mine to invite me to touch “his private” that puts me into a deep state of shock, I knew, right there and then

–THE GHOST OF MY PAST IS BACK.

I was immediately captured by a whirlpool back in the time I first met my ghost. The situation and the feelings was familiar and nostalgic. I became the 7 year old trembling kid again whose fears came up to every piece of his hair, reluctantly giving the man in front of him the freedom to do his own will. I was as weak as I were again, so I’ve watched history repeated itself while  the “Ghost” took all the advantage to do it all over again. 

And the next thing I know… I was there, sitting alone inside the washroom cubicle, curled up… petrified, and I’m 29 again. The temperature went back to normal, but my sanity wasn’t. I’ve never felt so bad about myself as much as I felt for that day. As the fact of the matter, It only made me feel more worst and confused about myself hundreds of times more than before.

I thought I’m brave enough. I thought I’d never let this happen to me again. And I thought THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GHOST. -YET WHY DOES IT SCARES ME TO DEATH?

This question brought me to realization to think what I have done. I know  that somehow, inspite my rationalization… I am also responsible for every action that I chose to do. I forgot that I am my own master to choose what I will. And I know now what is RIGHT from WRONG. And that I’m only human who was given my own set of  weaknesses to humble myself enough to know that I needed to learn from my own mistakes. Even if sometimes, it’s the same exact mistakes that I’m still trying to battle over and over again until I become perfect in it. And I know it’s not the GHOST of my past that really scared me the most.

– IT”S MY OWN GUILT.

So, every time I visit my old block in Pasay, or wash my face in front of the mirror inside a comfort room, I KNOW IT”S THERE. It feels like a shadow breezing over me every time I remember what happened in my past. And it keeps on haunting me if I will not take heed and follow my instincts. And it reminds me of how it feels like being scared again. Every place where I committed my mistakes suddenly will turn out to be like a ghost town.

BUT YOU CAN BEFRIEND THIS GHOST ONLY IF YOU WILL LEARN TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT AFTER IT REMINDS YOU THE AWEFUL FEELING THAT TORMENTED YOU FROM YOUR MISTAKES. AND I KNOW EVERYONE  HAVE THIS KIND OF GHOST IN US TO HELP REMIND US NOT TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN. AND THERE’S NO WAY WE CAN EVER ESCAPE IT… IT LIVES WITHIN US.

 -our CONSCIENCE.

– it means super chaka raised to the 2nd power. Mas mabisa ang expression na ito pag ginagamit mo ito habang galit na galit ka dun sa tinutukoy mo.

Ex: SITUATION: Ako habang kinakausap ko yung pamangking kong si Buffy na feeling maganda pero negra naman. Siya daw si Mariah Carey.

“Hoy! patayin mo daw yung gripo sabi ni Mama Inday! kanina ka pa suklay ng suklay jan sa salamin jang negra kang chararat ka!”

-Oh, diba? Tignan natin kundi manggalaiti sa galit sayo yung pinagsabihan mo nyan.

According sa isang survey na nakalimutan ko na kung sa yahoo ko ba nabasa.. 8 out of 10 people says THEY ARE NOT HAPPY with their job.

SINO SILA?

Eto yung mga klase ng empleyado sa isang food court na gini-greet ka nang “Goodmorning! welcome to ______, I’m Chenelyn at your service!” pero nakasimangot  na at nagdadabog pag nakalimutang take out pala yung order mo. Lalo na pag nanghingi ka pa ng extra tissue at bibigyan ka lang ng isang hibla.

Madalas Makikita mo rin sila mga public o government institution gaya ng city hall. Mas ok pa nga sa Jollibee kasi kahit papano ginigreet kapa. Eh sa city hall kaya, wala nang greet-greet, bigla na lang kukunin ang pera mo tas ii-itsa sayo yung resibo tsaka baryang sukli ng walang tingin-tingin sabay sigaw ng “NEXT!”

Pero gusto ko lang itanong:

WHY DO A LOT OF PEOPLE HATE THEIR JOBS?

I’ve  read  Max Lucado’s book,  Cure for the Common Life and he said that all of us were born with unique talent and individuality. We are specially designed different from each other when it comes to whatever our purpose in life is, as a contribution to the world. -which is very true.

Some people can sing way better than others. Some can invent things like post-it.  Some are good in playing basketball. Some are good in  cooking. Some are born with enormous leadership. And some can just- write. ehem. No matter how hard u make someone act, kahit may hitsura p ang bagong artista, hindi yan tatagal sa showbiz kung mahilig lang tlga sya magbutingting ng electric fan… electrician ang dapat maging career niya.

You want to know what u ought to be and what u shud be doing?– READ YOUR LIFE BACKWARDS. Think of the times what are the things u are interested the most and u are very passionate in doing. Yung kahit hindi ka bayaran… ok lng sayo kasi U LOVE WHAT U ARE DOING. Kasi you’ll never experience the satsfaction and true meaning of success sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman gustong gawin, diba?

LESSON: U NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY LOVE TO DO AND SEE URSELF DOING IT GOOD. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.. DO IT. THAT’S WHAT GOD WANTS YOU TO BE AND THAT WILL BECOME YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD.

Sa totoo lng, kahit ako.. nawawalan nako ng gana sa trabaho ko. bukod sa lagi akong gising sa gabi, wala pa akong nightlife! Oo. nagtrabaho ako sa isang callcenter. Dahil sa ito ang pinakamabilis when it comes to recruitment processing,(mostly 1 day lng.)  ito rin ang pinakamadaling pag resign-an pag ayaw mo na. At ayoko na kasi ilang araw nakong walang tulog kasi hindi ako makatulog sa tanghali hanggang magkasira sira na ang body clock ko na sa trabaho nako kung abutan ng antok! Pano kahit may sakit ka tatawagan ka.. kahit may medical certificate kp.. unless death certificate na yan excuse ka na. Ang mabigat pa don… pinagbabayad ba naman kami ng supervisor namin p500 pag umabsent ka! kapal! tapos ipanggigimik lng nila ng mga ka-team ko! wala na nga akong sinuweldo… may multa ka pa!  Kaya naman heto ang tanong na gumimbal sa pagkatao ng supervisor ko:

“Ipakita nyo sakin saang page sa Labor Code nakasulat na kelangan magbayad pag umabsent. “ hindi ako nakatingin pero nakataas ang kilay ko kunwari busy.

Naboba ng 5 minuto ang  supervisor kong puro whitehair na sa edad 33. Tapos biglang bumawi.

” Kung ayaw mo magbayad… MANDATORY O.T. ka 5 hrs! “  hamon niya sakin.

” Saan page na naman nakasulat sa Labor Code yang mandatory O.T. na yan ,aber? “ Tablado na naman siya sakin.

Hihirit pa siya ha. Wag siyang umarte. WALA lng tlga akong pera pambayad.

” Wag na kasi kayo umabsent pls…baka ibalik ako sa pagiging agent eh.. ” Hayun… lumabas din..biglang nagmakaawa ang kumag ngayon.

” Fine. Last na yan ah? “   -ako pa ngayon ang nagbigay ng ultimatum sa kanya! o diba?!

Kundi dahil sa nag-iisa’t natitirang rason kung bakit pako pumapasok dun eh siguro bumatsi nako matagal na. Hindi ko lng magawa kasi.. kasi..libre kasi ang INTERNET!

 Uu. Libre lang ang internet sa pantry. Kahit hanggang na-ACCESS DENIED ang Friendster at YM.. ginagawan ko lng ng paraan para makapag-usap kami ni Aling Baby –sa pamamagitan ng IMO. IM or MEEBO! Inaabot kaya ako ng 6 na oras na minsan dun nako natutulog kaka-pc. Kasi naman.. dun nabuo ang MISEDUCATION # 2-14!  Pag 1 hr break or kahit 15 mins lng… nakikipag-unahan tlg ako sa pantry sa favorite station ko para makapagsulat, makachat si Aling Baby sa UAE  or makapag-comment man lang sa mga beloved pupils ko.   Pagtapos ng short break… kunwari magtatrabaho na naman.. antay uwian para magblog.kahit parang unti-unti na nilang ina-access denied yung mga website.. wag lang ang WORPDRESS.. I pledge to stick and stay loyal sa company and promise to grow with the company to the best of my ability and strength, with all my might, mind, heart and soul… all through out the years.

 Yan ang pangako ko sa kanila from that day… until the day na nadatnan ko to pagpasok ko:

After seeing this sign…  I decided not to comeback again.  I found out after all those times,  the major  reason why im staying there is not to take calls and hear people complain about their fones or bills. I go there coz

 I REALLY REALLY WANT TO WRITE.  

And I think I’m in the wrong bag.  I think I shud be writing. I don’t want to live in the world where I don’t belong..  and I really do  feel I wasn’t needed there.

Because that place doesn’t need-

a WRITER.

…inimbitahan ka ng pinsan mo sa kanila after not seeing her for 10 years, nagsabihan ng mga DIRTY secrets, pinakain, pinagamit ng pc, binigyan ng stateside na sabon, toothpaste, etc. at mga orig cd, niyakap at nagpapicture pa at ininvite ka bumalik uli bago ka umuwi, pag tinatanong mo kung may problema, “OK LNG” daw, tapos magtetext sayo ng ganito?

” INABUSO MO ANG KABAITAN KO!!! KAILANGAN KO PA MAGPAALAM SAYO PAG GAGAMIT AKO NG PC KO!!! PINALABAS MOKO SA SARILI KONG KUWARTO AT NAG-LOCK KA PA!!! KUNWARI NAGBA-BLOG KA.. NAGCHA-CHAT KA LANG PALA….OK NA SANA EH. MAY KONTING SABIT LANG. SA TINGIN MO MAY MATITIRA PAKONG RESPETO SAYO? “

Hephep! teka lang.. bago ka mag-react, Here’s more:

” HINDI KA NAMAN DAW ININVITE NI ATE ARIANA PUMUNTA DITO EH…. KASO WALA NA SIYANG MAGAWA.”

Hindi pa ko nakaka-recover sa text na to ng dumating pa tong isa:

” BILANG KO KASI YUNG GAMOT KO… 7 PCS. BUTI NA LANG NAGTIRA KA PA SAKIN. ANYWAY ALLERGY TABLET LANG NAMAN YUN EH. SINABI KO NA RIN KINA MAMA AT PAPA ( sa States. ) LAHAT NG ACTIVITIES MO MULA NG DUMATING KA DITO.”

when this happened to you…What would you do?

IS THIS  SOME KIND OF BLACKMAIL? coz if it is, then I have never ever felt so CHEATED in my life. It’s like everything she did was a trap!  Did she lured me into getting all of this just to destroy my credibility? But .. what’s the purpose behind? SHE IS MY COUSIN, RIGHT? Why would she do it to me? pero ang tanong pa rin,- Para ano’t ginawa nya yun?

a:) Para ba hindi kami makatanggap ng steytsayd package? (Which never happened, and in which my family is very much independent from, since the creation of the world?) -Or

b:) is it her mission to prove that my bigamous father could never ever raise an independent, self- supporting child, most importantly- with DIGNITY?

As I searched for an answer to my cousin’s clueless behavior, I crossed this terrifying word from an online dictionary:

 schizo·phre·nia
Pronunciation: skit-s-fr-n-
Function: noun
: a psychotic disorder characterized by loss of contact with the environment, by noticeable deterioration in the level of functioning in everyday life, and by disintegration of personality expressed as disorder of feeling, thought (as in delusions), perception (as in hallucinations), and behavior — called also dementia

 If its not letter A or B, then it will all sum up to the ONLY REASON that I’m afraid to think of why she’s acting so strange.  AFTER THE TRAUMA AND THE ABUSE AND THE ANGST AND THE SELF ISOLATION AND HER FINAL FATAL CURSE TO HER MOLESTERS, CO-WORKERS, AND THE NEXT DOOR BAKERY BOY WHO GAVE HER A STONE HARD PANDESAL-COULD THIS BE THE POSSIBLE ANSWER?

IS THIS THE POSSIBLE TRUTH WHY SHE ACCUSED ME OF STEALING SOMETHING THAT I DONT REALLY NEED?(for the record, an ALLERGY TABLET?) The TRUTH that most people having this problem could easily deny, and find it so hard to accept. That she is, in fact- not “MENTALLY” HEALTHY?

Irregardless to the least of the possibility that my cousin is mentally disturbed, I could never deny the fact that she is still my cousin. At dahil “PINSAN” ko siya- Nag-sorry ako ifever na na-offend siya nung sinabi kong sa loob ng sampung taong walang humpay kong pagtatrabaho… “HINDI AKO SANAY NANG WALANG GINAGAWA.”

LESSON #1: WAG MAGSASALITA NG GANITO SA ISANG TAONG WALANG TRABAHO AT AYAW MAGTRABAHO.

Nag-SORRY  man ako sa pagiging TACTLESS ko, I NEVER OWE A SINGLE DROP OF APOLOGY FOR THE REST OF HER ACCUSATIONS. I DO NOT FIND MYSELF GUILTY IN ANY OF THOSE CHARGES ANYWAY. How could she say that I abuse her from coming over uninvited, or using her things, using her room, being straightforward, etc, when IN FACT, she’s the one who invited me to come over at the first place and I HAVE ALL HER CONSENT? – Diba nga pag tinatanong ko siya  sa part 1 ng kwento na to, ang sagot niya puro-OK LANG?!!!- remember?

 I proved to her that I did write some posts nung pinayagan niyako magsolo sa kuwarto niya para makapagsulat but I ended parking everything i wrote up in my drafts. In fact, I’m trying to write about this total nightmare  “DREAM VACATION”  ko sa kanila. kaso hindi ko tlga  alam kung bakit hindi ko matapos-tapos….

 NOW I KNOW WHY.  AND I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO END THE STORY.

She replied:

“SIGE, I-BLOG MO! IFO-FORWARD KO YUNG LINK MO KINA MAMA AT PAPA AT SA LAHAT NG KAMAG-ANAK NATIN!!!- DUN MOKO PAGMUMURAHIN!!! YUN NAMAN ANG GUSTO MO, DIBA?”

…is this another blackmail?

LESSON #2: TEACHERS DON”T SAY BAD WORDS INFRONT OF THE CLASS.

– but the people or “pupils ” reading this and make comments after CAN. just so u know, Cuz. I’m not in control of their thoughts. And TEacheR ZappeD cannot take away their right to speak. I don’t know what she’s trying to prove why does she need to threaten me that she would tell it to her parents and to the rest of my father’s side of the family  when she knew I GREW UP BARELY EVEN KNOWING THEM. I COULDN’T EVEN REMEMBER SOME OF THEIR NAMES AND WHAT I MEAN TO THEM. IN FACT, WHEN FOR SOME OF THEM I”M NOT EVEN SURE IF THEY EVER KNEW THAT I EXIST!  

Through GOD’s saving grace, I hope to say this message to the rest of my father’s side of the family  in the most humble way,- NABUHAY PO AKO NANG WALA KAYO.THANK YOU. I dedicate the lyrics on NE-YO’s song: PLS. DONT WORRY BOUT ME, IM FINE to ya’ll. NO hard feelings…. BUT TRUE.  AND I PRAY THAT MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU, WHEREVER  YOU MAY BE.

… AND MAY MY COUSIN GETS THE IMMEDIATE HELP THAT SHE NEEDS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.-That is, to see a SHRINK. (PhD.)

Pls. don’t think it’s that easy to write all of this and get HATED & CURSED by my relatives after. It takes a lot of strength to type this message, and I know they might break me off the chain from our family genealogy– but I’m taking the risk, cause INSPITE OF EVERYTHING, I STILL LOVE HER AND I DON”T WANT TO LOSE MY COUSIN JUST LIKE THIS.

So just in case you talk to her AND SHE SAID ” OK LANG AKO” ….

 Think again.

…SHE IS NOT.

And why am I writing this? This would lead us to the last lesson in this story that I’m trying so hard to protect and to keep. My-

LESSON #3: – INTEGRITY.

Because my DIGNITY is of more worth.- than just a piece of allergy tablet.

WARNING: The following program is not suitable for very emotionally or mentally disturbed audiences. PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS ADVISED.

“Dito ka na lang gumamit ng pc, kahit 24hrs pa! Sige na! Pagbigyan mo nako!  luv u Cuz! Muuaaahh!!”

Eto yung txt message galing sa long lost cousin kong si “*WENDY” . I’ts been 10 years since we last saw each other and seeing her again is like finding an instant bestfriend.

I met her at SM Sucat, bitbit ang 3 Pringles at bumili pa kami 1.5 Coke litro gaya ng biro ko sa kanyang i-prepare niya kasi alam kong aabutin kami ng magdamagang kwentuhan pagdating sa apartment nila. Dumating din ang panganay niyang kapatid na si *Ate Ariana na sobrang bait at tlga namang na-miss ko rin.  ” Joke lang yung sa Pringles! Tlgang bumili kp eh no.” sabi ko kay Wendy. ” OK LANG NO!” masayang sagot niya. Biruin mo- 10 yrs hindi kami nagkita? Tapos eto kami ngayon, all grown ups, tumaba shempre at start ng bagong closeness bilang magpinsang buo– sino’ng di sasaya?!

It was the biggest break that I’m dreaming of. For 10 yrs ko ring non-stop sa pagtatrabaho…Nag walk-out ( take note: WALK-OUT. hindi resign. as in lumayas at di na nagpakita pa.)  sa pinasukan kong callcenter which is another story. At ngayon ko lng mae-enjoy ang feeling ng walang gagawin kundi makipagchikahan sa pinsan ko, kumain ng chichirya, mag-computer (blog, mag-ayos ng resume for abroad, magchat, etc.) at shempre ang mag-usap tungkol sa mga nangyari sa isa’t-isa sa loob ng 10 taon as an offer of courtesy shempre ng pinsan kong si Wendy.

While I talked about how I grew up mula sa pagiging service crew ng Tropical Hut, McDo, Jollibee, etc hanggang magkaroon ng mas desenteng career sa isang online travel agency kahit isa akong undergrad , Wendy talked about her ” Dirty Little Secrets”, her traumatic experience and her “Tragedy” inside those years. Yes, my cousin was abused. -sexually. And that gave her the TRUST ISSUES to almost everyone. She resigned from her work and started hating her co-workers. She dreaded one of her Ate for not listening to her about the abuse and she even hates the owner of the bakery nearby for giving her an old hard pandesal. Even worst, she have a weak lungs and she stays at home all day-alone. “Ayoko magtagal sa mall kasi ayoko ng pinagtitinginan ng tao no. Tapos Kung makatingin sayo mula ulo hanggang paa ang mga buwaka—ina!”  

 As she speaks, I began to feel sorry listening about what my cousin had gone through. Hindi kasi yun ang ini-expect kong marinig sa isang sweet, loving na bunso sa magkakapatid na kalaro ko nung grade 1 pa lang ata ako. But i got even more worried when she said: “kaya pag namatay ako… hihilahin ko mga paa nilang mga pu****ina nila’t sabay sabay kaming pupunta sa impyerno!”  This brought me to a point to realize how the tragic experience shattered her young fragile heart. It really made a deep impact to her self-esteem and she even decided not to pursue college tutal sira na naman din daw ang buhay niya. Listening to her wailing, it is blatant to me that her heart is full of raging angst. Sabi ko na lang kunwari: ” lumabas-labas ka… pag matagal ka na kasi nakatengga nakakapurol din eh. ako din ganyan nung huminto nako sa college. So, Ok ka lang ba ngayon? “ I asked. She said ” OK LANG.” as always.

As I observed our conversation ,a sudden thought of imbalance about her thinking came in to my mind, but I tried to brush it aside. I lit up the situation by attempting to crack a joke. ” Nako, try mo kaya patingin Cuz. Kasi ako nagpa- psychiatric treatment din ako nung nagkaroon ako ng Major Depression dahil sa sobrang stress. Di kasi ako nakakatulog so restless ako kaya nagkakaroon ako ng physical breakdown.-Ok lng yun no! Di naman ibig sabihin na nagpatingin ka, abnormal ka na eh. Tignan moko! hehehe!!! joke lang ah!”  We just laughed at it knowing this is just -what I hope would be- a mutual attempt of humor. I was relieved again when she said: “OK LANG.”

Yung overnight lng na plano eh inabot ng 4 days kasi inabutan pako ng bagyo dun kaya tlga namang natuloy yung hiniling niyang extension ko na mag-stay. Shempre, kating-kati nako mag-blog (HINDI MAGNAKAW NG ALLERGY TABLET.) para isulat ang adventures ng “super bonding bakasyon” ko. Since she invited me to use her pc sa umpisa pa lang, I explained to her that as a writer, there are tendencies that an ever elusive idea will pop up and I would want to write it down as soon as possible kasi nga bigla-bigla na lang lumilipad ang thoughts tapos hindi mo na uli maalala. Sayang yung momentum. So I asked my cousin, ” Ok lng ba pag nagsusulat ako, iwan mo lang ako? Kasi mas comfortable ako magsulat alone. Madali kasi ako nadi-distract eh.” ” OK LANG no.” she immediately responded. “ Gusto mo mag-lock ka pa ng kwarto ko eh. Dun ako sa kabila.” she said with support to what she knows I love doing. Nakabuo ako ng halos 3 posts sa drafts ko about sa bakasyon kong yun, abt secrets, at iba. Pag napagod, konting chat at friendster (kasi 48 yrs yung server sa bagal ng SmartBro kaya restart ako ng restart) tapos sulat uli. So, I – with her consent, locked the door and created the previous post/masterpiece MISEDUCATION # 15: The BREAK-UP.

Everything seems to be ok pa rin until nung sabado ng hapon bago ako umuwi. Nag-online si Ate Ariana para magcheck ng e-mails. I found out hindi pala siya marunong mag-chat sa YM, so I offered to teach her the ropes para naman hindi lang iisa ang prospects nya sa text. Meanwhile, inaatake daw si Wendy ng sumpong niya (Hika.) kaya daw siya tahimik. ” . Hayaan mo lang ako. OK LANG ako.” she assured. So tuloy lang kami ni Ate Ariana kasi nga exciting at may kachat na siya tsaka first time shempre. Bising- bisi ako kakasagot sa mga nag-aagawang makipag-usap kay Ate Ariana kasi tinuturuan ko pa nga siya ng biglang nagsalita si Wendy:

” Ate Ariana, akala ko ba ikaw ang gagamit ng pc?!” she said sarcastically. I was stoned for a moment. Pero hindi ko pinahalata yung pagkapahiya ko… inayos ko lng yung mga pop ups tapos hinayaan ko na mag-computer si Ate Ariana at nanghiram ng “White Flower” ointment ni pinsang Wendy para makatulog saglit. Hindi ko na lang ininda yung reaction niya kanina kasi inintindi ko na lang na baka side effects yan ng hika nya or.. ng trauma niya.

Pinabaunan niya pako ng mga imported sabon at toothpaste, etc, para sa mga kapatid at tatay ko. Sabi ko ok lng kahit wala nyan kasi hindi naman kami sanay may nagpapadala samin ng package. Pinapili niya rin ako ng mga cds niya.. sabi ko ” Sure ka? ok lng sayo?” -” OK LANG. Pwede naman ako mag-download.” paniniguro pa nya. Bago ako umalis, shempre nagpicturan, yakapan, mga habilin…at sabay ” Sorry ah. TINOTOPAK kasi ako eh. Pasensha ka na.” Sabi ni Wendy sakin. Dahil tlga namang naiintindihan ko kung ano ang puno’t dulo ng nangyari sa kanya, at shempre dahil mahal ko ang pinsan kong minsang nadisgrasya sa takbo ng buhay…wala sakin yung inasal niya kanina. This time ako naman ang nagsabi ng “OK LANG.” and I mean it.

I sent them (Ate Ariana & Wendy) a thank you msg sa text the following day and made it a point to go to Church to pray for my cousin.

…nang biglang nakarecieve ako ng ganitong text msg galing kay Wendy:

“EFFECTIVE BA YUNG GAMOT? “

– shempre ang reaction ko ay: HUH?!

Tapos, sinundan na ng ganito:

“Slmat nagtira ka ng 7 pcs sakin nung gamot ko… bilang ko kasi yun eh…. di ko na kailangan mgpa-tingin dahil normal ako at hindi nman “mapurol”…kaw pa lang nagsabi sakin nun sa buong buhay ko!..nabanggit ko na nga pala kina mama at papa lhat ng activities mo pagdating mo d2.”

Nagulantang tlg ako sa txt na to. Sobrang nagworried -slash- confused ako sa naging reaction niya pero ANG TANONG: GALIT NA BA SIYA NUNG ANDUN PAKO? KUNG GANUN, BAKIT NGAYON LNG SIYA NAGSALITA EH ANG AYOS- AYOS NANG PAGPAPAALAM NAMIN? At may isang tanong pa na gusto kong malaman kung anong ibig niya sabihin:

PINAGBIBINTANGAN NIYA BAKO’NG  NAGNAKAW NG SUICIDAL PILLS ALLERGY TABLET NIYA???!!!

To Be Continued….

(*) Names withheld.