THE MISSING PUZZLE PIECE

What do you need?

2011-11-07T13:08:00.001+08:00

"Once you understand the needs of the market, product is unimportant, competition is irrelevant"

Very mind-blowing statement. An advice by a Venture Capitalist. However its the crux of business existence. Trying to think of a competitive edge for your business? Answer the needs, and you get your competitive edge. Why? Because if you eventually dwell into specific needs of the paying customers, you will realise that competition is indeed irrelevant. You are competing against no one, but yourself. Some say, the blue ocean strategy.

This applies to life as well. You are just like the market. Knowing who are are, what are your priorities in life, what you value in life, your personality and strengths furnish information about the product - you. As you really discover what drives you, where your passion lies, you will realise that in life there is no competitor. There is no benchmark. Everyone becomes a unique blueprint instantaneously.

The ultimate question of asking about what a good life is all about, what life is most worth living, and issues of well-being, Subjective well being, life satisfaction etc to me has a common underpinning: Are we meeting our own needs? No matter what we are talking about, be it happiness, achievement, fame, legacy, security, comfort, freedom. All these outcomes/products, do they matter? The product is unimportant once you understand your need. You will take the necessary action to reach the appropriate outcome, and naturally your good life will be achieved.

Lets once again think through who we actually are, or if we do not have the answers now, lets be mindful, make a conscious effort in discovering what we like, talk to people to discover our strengths, and read up to understand more about our own human psyche. The road to self-actualisation begins with a single intention.

And that is all is required for a flourishing life.

renewed. recharged. a new beginning!

2011-08-02T14:47:00.000+08:00

With my awfully long disappearance from the blogging world, i know inevitably my time has blazed past. My Summer has been busy with house moving. From renovating the new house, to shifting and unpacking of stuff, getting furniture etc, i feel as though my life is like a never-ending to-do list. One after the other. Loads of admin to change addresses, loads of bargain hunting, and more importantly, loads of time being siphoned to be present at the new house being a supervisor, inspector, and coordinator. One type of works after another, proper coordination of deliveries, and timely arrangements of installations which are crucial to avoid any domino effect in house renovation schedule. All these certainly were piling pressures that exerted itself on my daily, otherwise unadorned life.

But YES, thats what also spiced up my life. The never-ending lists of things to do presented itself as unceasing opportunities for learning, constantly challenging my motivation and determination. They remind you how humble you should remain as a person in this world trying to eke out a daily existence. They add flavour into our daily routine activities - how often do you ever concern yourself with the material of your kitchen solid top, or the length of your bathroom mirror? how much do you understand about the nature of floor and wall tiles, the varnishing of wood, and perhaps the specifications of your toilet bowl? And i am very appreciative of that - to be able to get exposure, despite not being very informed about it still. And of course, renovation and house moving do not happen many times in one's life, unless of course money is infinite for you and you love to shift houses.

Besides that, and more ceremoniously perhaps, house moving can signify the ushering in of a new life. Hence my title - renewed and recharged. I need a new life. A life which i have an improved well-being - PERMA (Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, Achievement). And i know the root of all these changes have to start within myself. Just like building a tall skyscraper, you would need to prepare the necessary scaffolding and foundations. I think a change in environment is likened to the scaffolding. You need to institute new routines, activities and lifestyle changes to facilitate a change in your life - in this case for a better well-being. Some of these structures i have put in place as for now:

1. Defining places to do certain stuff at home. For e.g. study room just to study, bedroom just to sleep, balcony just to reflect
2. Taking a swim everyday
3. Writing down What Went Well every night before i sleep
4. Treating my house as a recreation resort, 'checking in' into a chalet.

I believe that mental conditioning and proactive exercises are the key to changes. Sometimes just using the mind may not be enough. In 'doing', you get to set up a virtuous cycle where you first reap the benefits of such actions which feed into subsequent motivation to further your doings :)

It's been a week since i started writing What Went Well. Me and a few friends have started on a blog to encourage everyone to share and get inspired by others. Knowing and appreciating things that went well helps us to count our blessings, aid us to feel fulfilled. Humans are always going through ups and downs. Borrowing a professor's words, we need to give ourselves the permission to be human. to have the right to experience the myriad of emotions when subjected to life circumstances. But at the same time, we have to possess the resilience, to be able to cope with them effectively, and rise above occasions. And to do it, we have to create avenues and structures for change by ourselves. No wonder they say everything starts from within.

Indeed, when Magaret Mead said:

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has"

Never underestimate the power of the mind and human will :)

Imperfect = I m Perfect

2011-06-28T16:53:00.001+08:00

Humans are not perfect. We all know this. But why do humans really err? Why despite all experiences, learning and accumulated wisdom over the years, we do not essentially be impeccable? Is it because there are too many variables in life that is out of our locus of control? Or just that human tendencies prevent us from doing everything right or perfect all the time?

Since many years ago, i have understood the meaning of the phrase on my MSN nick: Life is about progress, not perfection. It may seem to be an excuse for not striving hard enough for perfection, but more importantly, it has served as a beacon of encouragement in times where i know things are not turning out the way i want to at the end of the day. Perhaps that is nature taking its course, its slow but inevitable path that allows me to absorb what is presented along the way. Indeed, being imperfect gives us an opportunity to learn. And all the achievement that arise from learning, ever since we are young, builds our self-esteem and self-efficacy. We like to feel that we are competent.

But in life, imperfections arise everywhere.. personal imperfection is called a weakness. Interpersonal imperfections represents relational gaps that affect how two parties get along with each other. Imperfections, like all objects, interact with each other, leading to possible conflicts and dissatisfaction. Due to the negativity bias in humans, we often observe the only black sheep among the flock of whites - the imperfection. We look at the error which seems ever so glaring amidst a track record, no matter how impressive it might be.

But HEY! Stop there! What you look out there as an imperfection has its reasons for existing as one.

Now let me give you my perspective on why humans are imperfect. We humans are always living the best that we can be, or rather we would always want to present the best side of us to others, no matter what we do. It is a natural tendency to give our best, because we would always crave the self-affirmation, and would love to validate ourselves. And so i can safely conclude that given the set of external circumstances we are facing, and with the frame of mind cultivated by past experiences and our personalities, we are dealing with life the best possible way we can. In actual fact, we have given our very best. And Yes, you did not hear me wrong. I was talking about imperfection. When you gave your very best, in fact, it was never perfect. It was still imperfect. Just like a runner who always tries to break his own race timing, he is always giving his best at every attempt, but he is never perfect. In fact, if you take the benchmark of say a Olympic Qualifying record to just an amateur runner, he is imperfect. In short, imperfect from your eyes. But in his eyes, that is his very best. To him, he could not have done better. Humans are never imperfect in their own eyes. It applies to all of us, and thats why we do not like being labeled imperfect, we do not love scoldings. We do not wish to know that we are lousy, because we have given our all.

Maybe afterall, there is no such thing as being perfect or imperfect. Because it depends on the lens through which you view it. And the fact is clear that no matter how perfect or imperfect you are, we always learn from what we have, and who we are.

Meeting the Big Boss

2011-06-18T23:33:00.000+08:00

As life challenges get thrown at you and major hurdles present you with insufficient time to effectively deal with them, I know only one word - overwhelmed. These few days have been practically a bullet train to me, and will always be for me before the academic year begins. As my inner expectations mount, i have been reminding myself often to keep my instep realisations deep in my heart - that life is not a rat race. To prevent getting yourself into a rat race in the future does not justify getting yourself into frenzy mode now. And yet i always have that feeling that i am in a state of overdrive. Time passes me without even caring to acknowledge my presence. No Hi, No bye.

I feel an internal struggle in me so hard that it seems to be a time bomb in me ticking even though i seem to be able to quell it momentarily. Just like the Iceland volcano that may erupt anytime. I know i am facing the greatest enemy of my life - the big boss, none other than my dear self. Fighting against yourself is no mean feat. Sometimes, they say that resistance is futile. Knowing that you have to counter the very device that you have meticulously created to work perfectly is one on hand seemingly ridiculous, and on the other hand cowardly. The power of our subconscious desires that have always been governing our behaviours, actions and responses can not be underestimated. We may not understand them completely, but they are operating on us incessantly. In a way, we have to decipher who we are, why we behave in this way.

When we learn of new ideas and new desires, we hope to assimilate and integrate them into our way of life. We hope to achieve some goals, targets and objectives we set for ourselves at various points in life. But when these beliefs contradict some of the existing motives inside us and we do not even realise it, this spells trouble. We face the big boss.

When we fight the big boss in arcade simulation games, we always aim to beat it till it KOs. In life, you don't kill the boss. You have to live with it, make adjustments, and find a way out. Spend some time, understand the boss, and have the courage to take it on.

The process is in itself as rewarding, because even if you fail, you will still get a second chance in life. Keep trying :)

INSTEP Reflections

2011-06-06T23:14:00.000+08:00

The first half of 2011 spent on student exchange in Ireland has come to a glamorous end. It has been a period of living in a ‘retreat’ mode, with minimum academic commitments and a lot more free time on my own. It also served as an apt platform for reflective insight into the past few years of my life, or I should accurately say, the 2 decades of my life, stuck in the ‘rat race’ of life. You might ask, why ‘rat race’ when I ain’t exactly working yet. Years and years of rigidly sticking to the education system has nevertheless groomed me to be a literate individual, but has also to a large extent created a large void in me. A void in the purpose of life, one of living life to its fullest. There hasn’t been any pit-stop for me to compose my thoughts and do what I like, and in so doing, discover who I truly am. These 6 months allowed me to do an analysis of my life.

First and foremost, I have compared and contrasted the totally different lifestyles I lived in Singapore and Ireland. One which was fast and hectic without any time to spare for downtime, as compared to one that had minimal stress and more than enough time for me to indulge in some soul searching. The peace of mind and tranquility in Ireland was something that I had, and I would love to continue possessing. Lets now face the reality of Singapore life with the myriad of commitments. As I contemplate on how I can reconcile the avalanche of pressures with a tranquil mind, I soon discover that what I really needed was a ‘brake’, not a ‘break’. To slow things down, but not to stop things. Some commitments have to be cast aside, thrown away, and pushed to lower priority, simply because time is limited. To enjoy a high quality of life, I belief in not trying to finish everything on the plate, but savouring whatever it is we choose to eat. In other words, I have to start selecting things I want to do, and ignore some of my over-demanding self expectations. And it will not be easy to surmount this internal self that has been exerting subconscious influence on my thinking. Time will be the only judge for this, but I am pretty confident that this exchange has made me more aware of instituting a ‘brake’ mechanism in my life – to not go into an unceasing overdrive and undermining the very purpose of my daily undertakings.

Secondly, I’ve pondered quite hard on this topic of friendship. If you meet a person, are you necessary a friend? What does a ‘friend’ mean to me? I believe, someone who believes and commits his time to help you grow is a friend. Someone who engages more than superficial communication, materialistic interests and casual outings. Someone who has the courage to point out your mistakes and yet retain a sense of humility. Yet in my life, these friends are few and far between. I have been for some times conceptualizing the formation of a peer support group surrounding one’s life. It will be a closely knitted group with the primary role of enhancing self-actualisation of the individual in a nutshell. Getting together to share about life, the lessons learnt, the everyday occurrences, and the goals and desires. Channeling together the resources of a group to boost the performance of an individual, for e.g. providing emotional support, lending a listening ear, or dispensing advice. Knowing that we have access to communal help and especially close social comrades instills resilience in us and contribute to a positive well-being. But of course, the fundamental criteria behind this type of relationship is unconditional acceptance and positive regard for who the individual is.

Thirdly, I would like to touch on the topic of habituation once again. Having traveled for more than 30 days in total, covering 10 countries and 20 cities, I’ve been quite sick of traveling to be honest. Backpacking, budgeting and city hopping were essentially the cornerstones of my experiences in Europe. I have that sense of dread when I visit another city yet again, taking the tourist map and starting to find the way to the hostel and mark out attractions to visit. This knee-jerking reaction perhaps arose out of habituation to the thrill of exploring a new city. It seems no longer novel to me looking at architecture of buildings, historical build ups of cities, and the urban landscape of Europe. While habituation is good at times so that it does not lead to constant stimulation to a non-changing environment, we have to train our brain to acknowledge the differences among the similarities so that we can better appreciate them and not take them for granted. This episode of traveling is a classic example of how we can habituate to something essentially so pleasurable that the utility we derive from it diminishes to a negative.

Indeed, the greatest enemy of all is still oneself. We all have the power to enact changes if we want to and put our heart to it, but it is so often overbearing. I belief the greatest gift one can give to himself is an awareness of his or her thinking and emotions, and the ability for self regulation and mediation. This exchange has placed me into an environment that catapults me into instantaneous change – I learnt how to cook for myself, take care of myself, and organize my life. This process will lend itself as significant testimony to how I have the capability to take charge of my life. Something I would like to remind myself – that change always first entails a shift out of the comfort zone. It requires persistent determination till the very end, with the greatest reward lying in the process and not so much the end state. The first step is always the hardest, but the most crucial. Starting on the right footing makes the change process much easier. We have to create a upward spiral – a virtuous cycle that propels us towards the desired change.

On the issue of money – most people, including myself, will find it puzzling that I manage to scrimp and save when I am in Europe, but when it comes to being in Singapore, the spending mentality and pattern seems to be rather different. While it is true that the strength of the euro currency and limited resources I am given (from allowance) governs the bulk of my spending habits, it does not explain why I spend more in Singapore having a restricted allowance also. Certainly the answer may be intuitive to you – food and friends. I spend more on eating out, recreation with friends, leisure activities etc. Things that I will not be willing to spend in a foreign country not because I do not have friends to go out with, but because it is ‘not worth’ to spend when you compare it to sg. Maybe it is not feasible (not time-worthy) to cook all meals. Neither would you want to be seen as anti-social by always cooking. But now I view it from a different perspective – that all these are mere excuses. I can always spend more euros overseas if the social event is worth attending, and similarly I can cook more meals and save some money at the expense of being labeled anti-social. We have to listen to ourselves. Again, we are the captains of our life – if there are tradeoffs we have to make so that the ship doesn’t sink, we should make tough decisions.

My INSTEP experience has provided me with a fruitful developmental experience away from where I have been living for the past 20 years. As much as the vivid memories remain etched at the back of my mind, it will be my duty to harness these collective insights to advance the next mile of my life.

As for now, it is time to put these realizations into practice.

Compare and Contrast

2011-05-31T17:31:00.000+08:00

No, this isn't a examination question. Not those 'distinguish between' questions which we do sometimes abhor when we do not have pointers to sieve out differences. Compare and contrast takes place outside the academic realm, be it or not we are poor in having sufficient resources to go about it.

Indeed it comes without surprise that humans being social creatures, we always assess ourselves in someways to ascertain our individual worth and performance. We link all these to our own self-esteem, and also how we perceive ourselves to be effective in accomplishing tasks in life - self-efficacy. It has become a tool so subconscious that we are often warned against its inherent downsides of the never-ending comparative game. If you always compare your performance against the better, you will seem inferior. If you always contrast yourself with higher expectations of others, you will never be satisfied. Well, definitely the other way of comparing also warrants mentioning - comparing with someone inferior to u. Yes we sometimes do so as a self-defense mechanism - to ward off our sense of disappointment or guilt when we have failed to perform up to standards. Self-consolation. This makes us feel better.

Besides the relative assessment function of compare and contrast, what may be more subtle in the entire schema is the creation or emergence/awareness of the two end states which we compare with. Disappointment in failing your exams vs dejectedness when your relationship fail. Elation when you know your friend is coming over for summer vs Euphoria when you struck lottery. We have all these 'grades' or 'levels' of benchmarks created as modes for comparison within us. We do not always compare ourselves with others. More importantly, when we take ourselves as the barometer (which we do not so often), we open up ourselves to a greater platform for growth and development.

There are a couple of ways which we can harness this internal comparative function as a springboard. Contrasting happiness felt today vs disappointment yesterday makes you feel the difference and magnifies your sense of elation. Explained in another way, that you feel 'much' happier today because you are reminded of the downtimes which have passed you and now 'things are so different'. Well of course, this may not be the biggest cause of your happiness - i mean we must give happiness its due credit to exist for a positive reason, of which it has its own capacity to generate feelings of pleasure. But these 'labels' in us do accentuate the difference.

In addition, it bequeaths us with the gift to appreciate and savor. Happy today, Happier tomorrow. We can appreciate why we are made more happier. Failed a dozen times, getting it right the final time - we certainly know how to savour this great feat of accomplishment. We compare how we manage to achieve results in other domains of our lives vis a vis how we are doing now and start motivating ourselves through perhaps understanding the value of determination.

We are made many the wiser when we know how to compare against our own internal benchmarks, as opposed to the people around us, whose standards may bear little or no meaning in the context of ours. Comparing with others is often a great human temptation to overcome. It provides the most convenient form of assessment to know where we stand, to get a quick gauge, or rather the 'short-cut'/easy way out. It is not necessarily accurate and is not able to stand on its own as a conclusion to your performance.

OPT-imistic

2011-05-12T00:13:00.003+08:00

Optimism has been studied as an internal trait by the many self-help movements, pop psychology. And even among the emerging field of positive psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman has conducted extensive studies and experiments with optimism, publishing many books. One of it, Learned Optimism, reveals that optimism can be cultivated, but often have to be tempered with realism. Being overly optimistic, or constantly optimistic maybe be detrimental to us when it shifts us off tangent with the reality in life and perpetuate the 'things will be fine' mentality.

After reading a fair bit on optimism, i hope i can express some of what i feel being optimistic helps in our lives, and how we can strive towards being optimistic. Is it an option? Can we OPT into it? Recently i encountered a question from a good friend whose words seem to highlight to me the fact it is just human to be pondering about these matters.. matters that are very significant and yet we do not have ready answers for them. Maybe they are subjective, intangible. Maybe people do not realise that there need to be answers to these questions. Just like someone who questions about the existential issues - What is the purpose of life? Not everyone asks these questions all the time, while perhaps they do it at different stages of their life. So the question goes:

你说，人，怎么才能天天能保持一个良好的心态，消除烦恼，保证几乎每天都积极乐观? 甭管是华人，洋人，还是火星人，那个积极乐观的心态究竟去哪里寻找？

This question asks about finding optimism in each and everyone of us. Where do we find them in face of all the ups and downs in life? Are people born with it?

Before i answer this question, let me first make a few disclaimers: that i am not a professional authority in this area (though i think there wouldn't be anyone who can claim to hold the right answer). So in this case just give what i mentioned a good thought, see if it makes sense to you, and take it with a pinch of salt if it doesn't :)

I believe my answers will not come as surprising or revolutionary to you, because they may be insights which you may arrive at after some thinking. But i first have to have you agree with me that being optimistic is a state of mind which we acknowledge its benefits, and our focus is where do we find this?

It is easy to say that the answer lies IN us. These statements are very generalistic, but not in any aspect less true. In fact, its usually the summary statement that we tell everyone. 'You Hold the Key'. Its all in your mind. Very familiar aspects in the humanistic psychology. Being optimistic is like having an inclination towards something. Its taking a perceived stance on the world around you. And so, as things happen always for a reason, does your optimistic thoughts possess an discerning origin? In simple layman words, does it have a reason to exist?

Indeed, i believe that optimistic thoughts rise from certain learned experiences and incidents that happened in our life. Thats one of the more widespread sources of optimism. As the word learned optimism seem to suggest, we learn all the time, be it from our own experiences, or that of observational learning. Experiences that left a greater impression on us, especially when we were younger, left an indelible mark on us which shaped our thoughts today. We too learn from our recent experiences, but as cognitive and discerning individuals as we grow older, our mind processes our experiences in a more astute and complicated way. So when we come into contact with the world everyday, our mind surfaces these predispositions that were ingrained in us over the years. But, of course all these can be changed.

Thats not a convincing source of optimism, isn't it? It seems to be a passive source, not an active source. Where can we FIND? Telling someone to find something in his or her own pocket does not really answer the question quite appropriately isn't it? (assuming that of course he checked his own pockets before). Then where should we DISCOVER?

Allow me to bring in analogies.

Optimism is like a well. There can be endless supplies of it, but u have to know where the source is. Just like digging for metals, they do not always exists as their pure metal. They exists as unrefined ores, or composite materials. Optimism is often embedded, and disguised in other forms. They not only need to be uncovered, they need to be actively refined and tapped into. One of these sources lies in appreciation in life.

One of my favourite quotes - appreciate your life, and your life will appreciate. Appreciation ignites a source of strength and motivation by paying gratitude to what you already own, achieved, or are in control. It reminds you not to discount your own potential, most importantly your potential to make a change or impact in your own life. You've come thus far through whatever means you have to your current state (whether or not you love your current status, it has nothing to do with your reality). Again i cannot over-emphasize this - whether you are or not satisfied with who you are, where you come from, and what you have achieved so far, it is only a comparative evaluation of our expectations and the reality. You can appreciate that you have achieved nothing. You can appreciate that you have been the last of the cohort. You can basically appreciate anything. Key is you must know how to appreciate. You must know how to take perspective. And that in it requires humbleness, and a heart to accept diversity in this world.

When you can appreciate, you will realise the vast territories of hope. You will acknowledge the expansive unchartered waters that give you plenty of room to grow. You will discover how wonderful a self-empowering opportunity you have been given to be in the current state of reality you are in. Optimism fills you because you have not precluded yourself to the land of possibilities.

Thats the essense of it. Whether you look at optimism as another chance you give to yourself, or the never-say-die attitude that see you persevere on, you'll be sure to know that optimism never comes easy. To be optimistic in face of a mismatch between your actual and perceived reality requires strength and courage. Your courage to belief. Thats another important source.

We all have aims and goals don't we? They need not be that lofty, they can be mundane like finishing my assignment by today, or passing my driving test the next time i take it. Take the latter as an example. We know that we have been practising all day for our driving test. Going up the ramp million times, reverse into those parking lots as if we had all the time in the world to do that, and driving the car as if we had own them. But you know, not all of us are talented in driving. Some are quite clumsy, not used to it etc. No one knows how to drive the car the moment he is born. The issue here is do we belief in ourselves that we will eventually be able to overcome all obstacles and excel in it? In other words, are we willing to belief? How you talk to yourself plays a big role in it. If you've had a pessimistic explanatory style towards your every little glitch in your driving performance, i bet you'd probably just feel like not touching the steering wheel again. But if you want to pass driving very badly, and are so motivated to drive a car, you'd probably tell yourself that you can surely pass it. Self-belief is raised. Self-efficacy is raised. And with this courage to belief, your worldview tends to be altered towards possibility and excellence. Failure is no excuse, failure is temporal. You will make it. Of course, the courage can be spurred on by a host of reasons which will be personal to you. You have to find them, you have to know what makes you tick.

In conclusion, optimism can be opted into, and is an active endeavour that each and every of us are entitled to participate. Conditioning oneself to be sufficiently optimistic will undoubtedly provide a strong impetus in what we do, or aim to do, which will be instrumental in creating a good quality of life.

Permission to be HUMAN

2011-05-10T00:31:00.000+08:00

As much as humans seek acknowledgement and affirmation, what is less obvious but yet a truth in many of us is that we all sometimes do not give ourselves chances to be human, i.e. to be ourselves. The cloud of expectations hovering around us seems invisibly thick. These expectations can be imposed by us or by our friends, families or the society at large. The problem isn't with having expectations. It is when we do not meet expectations. It is when things around us do not seem to be happening the right way. And so we start to feel anxious, worrisome, angry etc. Woohoo, guess what happens next?

Of course, if there is a problem, fix it. Thats the most idiot proof and inevitable way out. Try as much to rectify as possible. Find the root cause of it.. see who or what was at fault. Usually its fine if we can isolate an external cause to it. But for those who have a predisposed tendency to blame themselves (aka having an internal locus of control, or perhaps even a pessimistic explanatory style), this finger pointing/fault finding episode usually degenerates into a thrashing of the individual's self esteem. Its me! All my fault! Why did i...? I should not have...! Worse still... I am stupid!

Of course, there are some errors which genuinely deserve us to take the thrashing, like they said, as a gentleman. They require us to 'Repent' (but certainly not for 5 years!). ok no pun intended. Having said so, many of us overstep this boundary in this blame game. Irrational magnifications of problems, coupled with habitual twisted beliefs about oneself, and selective attention to the negatives thrusts us into the core of unrelenting self-reproach and harsh evaluation.

We seem to have forgotten that we afterall possess the ability to misjudge, the capacity to make mistakes, and the capacity to be irrational. Yes, it is not an accidental relapse of our seemingly perfect human ability. I say again, it is not a relapse. We POSSESS these abilities to fall backward. We are born with tendencies to make mistakes. We have to give ourselves space to make them. And by that i mean the unconditional acceptance when bad things happen, and a haven to rehabilitate, and recover from these occasions.

It does not need to be something we have done wrong. It can refer to any form of dissonance we are experiencing. For e.g. we want to feel jealous, but we do not allow ourselves to by rationalizing for e.g that the person is our best friend. Or when u have let out an embarrassing noise in public which makes us feel very bad at ourselves. Well, things may be just not concurring to our perceived reality, but that doesn't mean we have to be emotionally charged over it.

After all, there should be mistakes made in life. There should be awkward moments. There should be uncomfortable situations. There should be jokes made at us. At times we ought to look stupid. At times we are stupid. If we give ourselves the liberty to look and feel out of place, we grant ourselves a ticket to salvaging ourselves from these seemingly undesirable situations.

Looking from an alternative perspective, thats how our lives becomes interesting. Thats how the scenery around us becomes so beautiful. The things that bursts our expectations, incidents that surfaces out of the ordinary, and the surprises that pops out our way.

Indeed, if we would only allow ourselves the right to enjoy them :)

Chirality

2011-05-07T07:42:00.000+08:00

Linking life to chemistry is always interesting. And here marks the start of a series of analogues that have spun off my wandering mind, always connecting the dots and trying to think like a philosopher (which in fact may be a product of analysis paralysis)

My many years of chemistry education has taught me about chirality pretty comprehensively. The first time i encountered this term was in JC. Just knowing the + and - enantiomers. Then in uni we learnt about defining R and S. CIP rules, etc. And also from the perspective of symmetry, there goes another definition of chirality, one that lacks an improper axis of rotation (Sn).

Something interesting about chirality is the fact that you are the one and only one existing in the realm of molecules, because even your mirror image is non-superimposable, and thus dissimilar. Indeed, every individual is chiral. Yes, if you consider yourself as an object (the tangible), or your attributes & characteristics (intangibles). We are who we are because of many variables in life which we are different from the rest, arising from a myriad of different factors such as culture, upbringing, environment, dispositions etc.

Lets talk about our mirror images - who are they actually? I would like to advocate that they are how we look from others viewpoint, i.e. the side that people see us as. We are real creatures. How we behave is a reflection of our thoughts and beliefs. We act out our life to fulfil our inner motives. We hope as much to be congruent as possible with who we are as a person interacting with the ever-changing environment. Thats why they are called mirror images - mathematically positioned to be equi-distant from mirror plane etc. It highlights the supposed perception of who we are from the perspective of others vis a vis our true self. We all know that sometimes its not always the case. Sometimes we try to present to others a false side. Lets leave that topic to another day.

There are similarities despite being chiral. But well, enantiomers share many physical properties and chemical properties, only different with respect of its behaviour to plane polarised light. We as individuals share common social characteristics, behavioural responses and thought patterns at large. When we are subjected to ethical norms and society benchmarks, we are moulded into right-thinking individuals according to these beacons. We adhere to these beliefs that forge us to our identity as a group. These groups could be cliques, organisations, associations, institutions or even race, religion, and ethnic in nature. Important point here is that we are always classified, categorised and structurally defined to surface our usefulness and value in the world we live in.

In the 3-dimensional world, chirality gives specificity to the molecule. Enzymes in our body require specificity to function properly. Scents differ significantly just because of the difference in the chirality of one stereogenic centre. Chirality unleashes trememdous functional implications. Humans do as well. The attributes we have, the defining characteristics of who we are, are often have its value and implications in our lives. 天生我才必有用. This chinese proverb explains it all. However eccentric we are, we will always be complementary to someone. We will always be able to derive our self-worth in a meaningful way. 天底下必有你容身之处. You are the key. And there will be a lock. Remember the lock and key hypothesis?

Some of us then question - then how about the ability to change ourselves? If we are a bad person (from a molecular point of view maybe a pathogenic molecule or toxin), can we transform into something better? Well, i am a firm believer in humanistic psychology, and yes i will let you know how chemistry also endorses the human potential for change. Well you see, chirality in a molecule can be lost in many ways. Organic chemistry tells us that simple tautomerism may destroy chiral centres. Condensation reactions may eliminate chiral centres. In fact, a list of reactions may do so. Addition reactions can re create chiral centres. And here you go, a set of reactions that can eliminate and generate chiral centres. To take it further, assymetric synthesis allows you to synthesize the exact chirality at the atom of interest. Whew! Interesting isn't it? This begs the question: are we able to cultivate characteristics that we want?

I may have lost some of my readers in the last paragraph because of chemistry content. But nevertheless, i know you guys trust me that i know my chemistry well :P In fact, the concept of chirality in chemistry can have many interesting parallels in our lives. Share with me if you have some! You'll never know what happens when 2 chiral molecules react together. The potential is endless :)

When I Wander..

2011-05-04T06:29:00.002+08:00

People wander. Since young when we made our first cries to the world, we started to explore the world. They were to us all fresh and foreign. We wander around all the time. We were undeniably inquisitive. Curious about everything that went round. And we expressed ourselves just as straightforward as we could. There wasn't any holding back. Whatever we felt we needed, we clamored for it.

But as we grew up, influenced by our environment and our upbringing, we learnt about the word 'restraint'. By incessant conditioning (operant or classical), our actions and expressions become abit more systematic and predictable. Some habits start to form, consciously or unconsciously. I would like to say that some of the innocence and fundamental traits as a child were, unfortunately buried.

As we grow smarter and smarter, developed cognitively, we learnt to think for ourselves, and start to reflect about our behaviour. With a brain, we inevitably put it into good use - learning arithmetic, picking up linguistic skills, but at the same time our brain had a role to play in emotional regulation, information filtering, and interpretation. Our brain machinery start to become a factory in which there was a supervisor managing the operation process. Things that we wanted, we took it in. Things that were not so desirable, we would always know where to hide it, dispose it, change it, or process it. We start to develop our own fanciful operating mechanisms and processes such as 'masks', 'emotional veils' and 'defences' that would serve in our best interest and protect us from all sorts of stimuli facing us daily. This marks the start of being more complex as a human.

And this trend progresses on inexorably, with us acquiring more high level and sophisticated skills, such as rationalisation, internal dialogues, disguises, facades, etc. They all seem so natural to us somehow. We can pull it off easily, sometimes subconsciously. Sometimes we become very 'fake' to others, and words like 'superficial' start to pop up describing a person.

It makes me wonder and wander at the same time, that while these skills serve perhaps an evolutionary need, whether we become subservient to them too often that they work against us.

I wander.....

And when one wanders, the mind is set free at once.. not complying any form of premediated mechanisms of the machinery. It is free to think about every possible matter and possibility. Things that would normally escape your thoughts. There are no rules. Our aspirations, desires (even farfetched ones) come knocking on us. And sometimes it seems like a fairytale.. so unadulterated, so idealistic, and feels just like reality (and then you would tell yourself, I WISH). And reality hits at you. Its not real. Or at least you would have to work towards it to make it possible.

I feel that wandering is just like a dream. When u dream at night, they say it is due to matters u think about in the day or perhaps some unresolved issue u have in your mind. When you wander, sometimes your brain goes back to these issues, and help you to seek out solutions, just like an automated machinery. The only difference is of course, it is much more free, though one may argue that many of these thoughts still tread within certain mental boundaries (i.e. we may not be thinking out of the box). How many of us ever have that experience of the AHAH moment when we are just doing something routine for e.g. having a meal, shower, walking back home, etc and we suddenly made a connection or found a solution to our life matters?

The mind seems to be more productive when we are not actively thinking of those issues which we wish to solve! Wandering does have its benefits. But we have to fully utilise these times of wandering. We have to use it to encourage ourselves about the possibilities of our lives. We have to leverage on the platform to remind us that we are larger than life, that impossible is nothing. We have to bring ourselves close to experience the abundance in life, and fit our current situation in a broader context.

Well sometimes when we wander, we can't really control its direction. And we maybe treading on dangerous grounds. Overly contemplative moods and pessimistic ruminations may blow things out of their proportion, and especially negative thoughts. Downward spirals often occur, and sometimes we get plunged to the deep abyss. There are times where it happen to me. And surely, it doesnt feel good. It saps up all my energy, and leaves me in a destitute state.

So when i wander, all sorts of things can potentially happen. As much as my mind is now free, the chain of events that follow wandering may not set me free eventually. Should we really leave our minds to wander? Is it really worth the bet?

Some people will get more positive returns than the other. They are in general more optimistic and have a larger generalised positive affect (what we describe in psychology) for a tendency to feel more uplifted and upbeat about things.I know thats not to a large extent true in me. But i still love to wander about the positive things in life. About how things will turn out well. At least i try to force myself to think about it, just like many people consciously seek to shut themselves out from the unpleasant.

Always trying to apply the law of attraction, focusing on the positives and making it a reality. Sometimes i really wish life is not so complicated. Humans can express themselves freely, and say what they want to the other person's face. But we can't. And i know i face a big problem at this. I nonetheless experience a rich amount of emotions behind my seemingly composed and nonchalant appearance.

And so when i wander, things that don't get expressed start to fill up my thoughts like air filling its space in a balloon. I know why i wander now, because most of the time, these issues remain unresolved. But they take time. They challenge me to move out of my comfort zone, and push myself to my limits. I just have to be wary of the emotional traps that may be unleashed.

Habituation

2011-04-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

Habituation exists as a biological adaptive response to repeated stimuli so as to attenuate its effect. As far as the realm of senses are concerned, habituation has served its role pretty well. We no longer treat the engine noise of the airplane as disturbing and soon fall into sleep, and to those who listen to music while doing other work, you prefer the music to remain in the background of your focus, and thats what habituation has achieved for you.

On the flip side, habituation has been a disservice at times when people take whatever is happening in front of them as being routine. Good things or bad things alike. When you repeatedly achieve success or good results, we start to give lesser credit to our diligence which has brought us there. It is being thought of as something innate and inherent in us so much that we forgot that it was once a cherished object or a prized possession. Yes, we underappreciate those around us. Our mind is seeking for something novel, something different to focus on. What was done is casted to the very back of our mind.

Life is always in abundance. There are always many perspectives to take on a subject matter, always many positions, solutions, and resolutions to take in a circumstance or situation. A multitude of responses to fit our desired aims.People are often stuck in decision making because their minds fail to see the possibilities, a much often product of habituation. We expect the same outcome everytime, the same way of doing things, and even similar mistakes. The only constant in this world is change, unfortunately. And so, our minds should not be set to habituation.

In working on the same piece of assignment, making the same flavour of coffee, or ringing the same doorbell, there are always new surprises. We have to be prepared. Applying it to unfavourable circumstances, we ought to think optimistically about the chain of events that occur. It may turn in our favour anytime. We have to be proactive in seizing control of ourselves and opportunities that arise instead of lamenting and grudging the plate of sour fruits in front of us.

Maybe afterall, its easier said then done. Many people are still on autopilot. Treating people around them the same way it is. Expecting things to turn out nicely and as per default. And when things don't, they place all their attention to the anomaly that occurred, the black sheep that people ofte single out, and the thorn among the roses. Doesn't that sound all too familiar? What if they are not odd? They are just unique and new?

It is perhaps in human's natural tendency to habituate. Since young, we seek safety and security in our caregivers. We try to conceive patterns of behaviour in our environment. We follow rules and norms. We obey instructions and live by our own set of protocols. We may have inadvertently tuned our minds to adhere to a set of standards for everything we do. Thats perfectly fine, because thats what create law and order at a societal level, and peace on a global scale.

But on an invidividual level, we ought to be conscious to the degree of our habituation. Always question ourselves on our thoughts and behaviour. Are they just extensions of previous expectations and experiences?

Things happen for a reason. When we start giving out the right acknowledgement and attributes to the right things and people, we will be on the right track to a happier life.

When it Snaps

2010-09-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

A rubber band snaps when it is overstretched. A pipe bursts when the water pressure is too high. A person blows into a rage when he cannot contain his emotions. Things snap. Humans do as well. There is a limit to what we can tolerate and push on.

It is alright to snap, because it gives us the opportunity to re-start. It endows us with a valuable opportunity to learn from experience. It awards us with the surprise of the next better opportunity that comes by in the future. When we snap, we need to learn, we need to improve and better ourselves. A great deal of emphasis should be placed on understanding the self.

Why did we snap? Is it because of something that we know about ourselves? Or is it the unknown unknown?

I need to do some reflective thinking for now :) Because my mind is convoluted, and i am experiencing cognitive dissonance.

爱情，是要让两个人都有所收获，就算受了一点伤，也可以用成长的喜悦来弥补

2010-05-17T17:13:00.001+08:00

The FinePrints of Love

2010-05-09T15:30:00.000+08:00

Love, something so multifaceted, so intangible, so obscure in its own meaning. It uncovers the entire spectrum of human emotions, revealing human nature in all its true colours. It is like the sun, the main source of energy empowering existence of all lifeforms. Yet Love cannot be measured in Intensity, Power, and other physical quantities. It can only appear so transient at times. You may acknowledge that it does not obey any conservation laws. Indeed, it is not scientific.

And yet this seemingly elusive matter has the potential to wreck havoc in our life. It can take control over each and everyone of us. It can direct our actions and behaviour. It can cause us to experience the roller coasters of our inner environment. Notwithstanding, there are many forms of love. Friendship, Relationship, Kinship, Brotherhood.. etc. All forms whose boundaries and meaning are purely unique to the people involved. I do not have the capacity and wisdom to put across what is suitable as the meaning of love, but as a participant of life, i have the right to express freely my opinion on love, at least within the realm of my experience.

Love is selfish. When there is love, there is expectation. thats the fundamental underpinning love, in my humble opinion. when you give, you don't always expect to get back anything, that is the ideal case. as we are living in the practical world, there is one assumption we must hold that makes the situation ideal - a reason/cause. Motherly love, religious love etc.. those kinds of love we deem as unselfish, unadulterated, are those that have a reason behind. for such ideal cases, there is almost nothing to discuss about, since if love is so pure, then mankind would not be who they are today. Unconditional love is something we aspire to, but it is not as practical. Imagine the entire world only bearing unconditional love. Everyone being altruistic. We are not going to move towards that because its not possible. Some one got to get rewarded more than the others. someone got to be the bad guy. thats just an incontrovertible fact of life.

And so when we shift away from unconditional love, what binds us most of the time is conditional love. Love that has a price to pay. Love that encompasses human desires, whims and fancies. Complicated love triangles.. entanglements, doing charity out of guilt conscience, but not love, etc.. many situations we can think of are just "facades" of love. the hidden agenda, be it mild or otherwise, takes over the human mind. Love, have you encountered its fineprints?

People who can utter love, but yet forget to state their fineprints - they do not know what they are truly speaking. But yet how many can be open to the truth of love, that ultimately hurts without any need for qualification? I love you, provided that XXXXXXX.. ouch. 30 years of marriage breaking down is love getting its revenge, the dwarfs quashing the giants. And it is truly painful. but how do you avoid such situations of love getting back to you? In a book called Radical honesty, the author advocates telling nothing but the truth to the person. Telling the truth that hurts bravely prevents the problem from further ballooning and obliterates the need to bury the problem.

But what is the truth? When people are in romance, when people truly are loving others (be it a relationship, kinship etc), how many of us can truly spot the ugly, selfish sides of ourselves? Being surrounded by the cloud of bliss, how many can sense the impending thunderstorm brewing? How do we ensure that we humans love truly for as little condition as possible?

What i feel is that we have to know how to say sorry. We have to learn how to admit our mistake, and be true to ourselves. we have to start appreciate the merits of others, the positives in a unpalatable situation. Recognising the positives does not mean ignoring the negatives, but also mean we have to confront the negatives in an objectively, controlled and rational way.

Being able to take a step back and stay rationale is inherently beneficial in love for the more important reason that one has the heart to make amends and strive for the better outcome. The heart and will to sustain the love is more important than what you do for this loving relationship. It is not uncommon to see people who violate this aspect by offering incessant apologies and yet remain recalcitrant or adamant to change their ways.

Love take both hands to clap. It is such a sacred relationship that the balance will easily tilt if any party reduces their commitment or devotion to the love. It is very delicate and highly sensitive. And henceforth, every aspect of one's life in a relationship can easily affect the love in between. Love, being built on common and mutual understanding, can be easily shaken by the most insignificant of things. It is therefore imperative to keep an open channel of communication or i would like to term a "helpline" in case it is slightly shaking. Quell the smallest of fires, and you will never encounter a forest fire.

Now it sounds very tedious isn't it? Then it makes you think if love is indeed so daunting and so difficult to sustain. As much as we really hope for a magical formula or an ingenius algorithm to solve problems, there will never be a mechanical way out of it.

Everyone of us will deal with it our own way. There is no right way, because everyone's form of love are defined differently. The only advice that is dispensable is: Love, with your heart.

Perspective Entrapment

2009-10-18T11:15:00.003+08:00

It seems as if my blog has lain dormant for an interminable period of time. I know no one is reading it, except my conscious awareness that someone may be reading it, or probably chanced upon it. I publicised it on my msn quite a long time ago, but sooner or later i took it off as it bore no meaning in doing so. It isn't a fan page or any public matter. It is just the humble insights into the private life of mine. The world of ruminations and deep thoughts circulating in the realm of my existence. So for these few months, 7 months to be exact, there was the inertia to blog, and partially the lack of time as well. I've got so many commitments for this semester.

But now i find the motivation to do so again, because i really hope to illuminate some of my thoughts. These thoughts have been residing in my head for quite long. As usual, some passing thoughts that i have dwelt upon.

Perspective Entrapment. What a bulky name i created to encapsulate the topic trapped in my poor little skull now. First, perspective. Perspectives are just different ways of viewing things in life. That is why we are all entitled to our own opinions. Different views by different people on the same matter. This is also the reason why surveys/questionnaires can yield substantial data. The way we think are different. And each way of thinking leads to inevitably dissimilar results. Good or bad, more often only evident to the individual concerned.

The take back i have often reminded myself is that one's perspective will change the attitude and way of treatment towards that particular subject matter. So, just like what Victor Frankl said in his interview, it is only the inflexibility of human minds to come out with a meaning for it that makes our current predicament the way it is. If we want to feel better, change your perspective. Start looking at things from a different angle. Start changing the way things can be viewed upon. Don't blame your narrow viewpoint. Don't think that things are always fixed. When they happen, they happen for a reason, find that particular viewpoint that will allow you to triumph and derive the maximum utility and satisfaction. Zoom in onto the essence of the matter. Obtain what is necessarily beneficial. Use it as a stepping stone.

Well, you may argue, i dont have a magic wand. It sounds very simple as u say.. tweak the perspective, change it to something which you can make sense of, something which is positive and allows you to have strength to carry on in life. Easier said than done. And exactly, this is topic which i am very interested to talk about in this post. Perspective Entrapment. How do you liberate yourself from any traps in perspectives?

I do not have the perfect answer, no antidote for you. But i have some opinions on these since it has been on my mind for a long period of time.

I suppose you will need to see clearly why you need the change, if the motivation is not compelling enough, you will continue to hold on to the undesirable perspective. Sometimes thinking about thinking is useful. Think of why you are thinking in this way. Our brain is like a maze. You have many routes to one common destination. Of the many routes, each of them will boast a different experience. Start to perceive yourself taking a particular route, which is your current perspective, and re-ponder about how this perspective have led you to how you feel about things, and the situation you are in. Relive this experience again. Do you like it?

Well of course since it is a maze, there are other possible routes. They are unexplored, but feasible. You would not know exactly where to turn next, what is the exact mapping to the right destination. But you need a change, and hence you are willing to venture to other paths, despite the fact that you would have to re-navigate to the final endpoint again. In this endeavour, the initial inertia has to be overcome, and you have to believe that this new trying is worthwhile.

If you cannot convince yourself to adopt a new viewpoint, or i.e. change a route, then dont force yourself to a new viewpoint. Stick to your current perspective. Try to repeat the first step of rehearsing your perspective again. We have to recognise that there is a choice in the way we think, because thinking is not like any device or object that can be replaced or altered by physical, chemical or mechanical changes. Its not like changing the tyres of a car to make it more road-worthy. Neither can the doctor surgically alter your thinking by operating on you. You have the full capability to change your viewpoint anytime. You are in charge.

The exact reason why you are in charge empowers you to hold yourself at ransom in life. You can limit yourself to unbelievably narrow and absurd perspectives that do more harm than good. So you need to first have a resolution to alter your viewpoint.

Well, the process of changing perspective is fraught with uncertainty, and lack of confidence. Self-esteem might get into the way for some cases. Our ego, as they say. The environment may sometimes prove too challenging to alter our perspectives. At times, the thought of changing might already erode the possibility of taking the first step. Well, this will not be an easy task. But nevertheless, it is a choice that will potentially extricate you out of a mental trap. A trap that minimises your life to haplessness.

It is never easy, for even I myself have been not able to overcome the first hurdle everytime. But I am trying to improve. To the others who may face the same dilemma as me, what do you think about this?

Drenched

2009-03-14T18:00:00.003+08:00

As the rain pour down the streets, your comfortable dry attire gets wet and soaked after a few seconds. That's the unpleasant feeling of being drenched, literally. Again, in this unique entry of mine, i like to explore other meanings of this word.

Drenched can imply being in a battered state, an emotional state where you feel despondent or highly negative. (well this is adapted from those dramas where you see the male or female plunges into despair in the pouring rain, unsheltered)

Well sometimes getting drenched can be devastating, especially when the outcome drastically deviates from one's expectations. It ushers in the shattering reality, which quickly and mercilessly sucks out the euphoria and/or nonchalance in one, allowing an emotional free fall. Different people experienced drenched states in different proportions, some more frequent than the others. It all depends on one's expectations as well as the coping ability of one's psyche.

Drenched, in my definition, has to encompass an event or circumstance which leads to the feeling of being overwhelmed. It is different from being overwhelmed by a heavy workload or schedule per se. Neither can it be gradual. It is necessarily swift and all-consuming. For e.g. the moment u saw an F grade for a module.

What leads me to ponder further is the prevention of such drenched states. Mental preparation certainly help to cushion the impact of drenching. But its effects are short term. Once reality sets in permanently, the more dreadful phenomenon plagues us - depression. We are left reeling in the after shock, to savour the bitterness of what is truly tormenting us. Maybe the more crucial question is then to ask how to deal with such states. When you plunge into a miserable abyss, how do you pull yourself out again?

There are invariably 2 ways. One which depends on an external factor, and the other an internal one - our own thoughts. Without dwelling much into the details of what exactly is external or internal, lets take an overview of the 2 ways. It leaves little dispute that an internally motivated recovery would see sustainable results as compared to an external remedy. Internal recovery usually takes a longer time than external ones, and therefore, depending on the exigencies of the situation, different resolutions are often seen employed. The passage of time allows for greater damage to be dealt, while certainly also introduces the risk of little or no recovery. The ability of one to self heal, though from a nature perspective is true, cannot be totally applied when human states are concerned. Hence the alternative of external help does help to catalyse the recuperative process.

I fancy the idea of internal healing, something which advocates an independent approach. Everything in this world obeys the law of conservation and equilibrium. Healing is a reversion to equilibrium. Internal healing is therefore a self-sufficient effort in returning back to the steady state. Just my personal bias, but definitely i do agree with having an external aid as long as the rewards of internal recovery are not undermined. I believe that the idea of a self effort is a process of growth. We learn when we climb back up on our own. We acknowledge our mistakes and make significant gains in the recovery process. Accelerating this process might hamper this educational experience. To trade off our time for this education might afterall be worthwhile as long as we adopt the right attitude.

Now,after saying so much, getting drenched just equals to an opportunity to learn from yourself directly. We are our own teachers. In fact, the best guiding mentors are always in us, except that we have often disregarded it.

As they always say, look within.

Time and Choice

2009-01-17T12:49:00.003+08:00

Everyone will always have competing needs for his or her time. However, whatever lies in the minds or desires of one expands in front of him or her. That is why people have priorities, or set priorities to focus.

Alongside priorities would be disappointment. When you choose, you make decisions. When you make decisions, you select one or a few, and neglect the rest. When you reward, you are also punishing the rest. Basically when you focus on something, the other tasks, people and processes will be left out. Are you held accountable for those u unintentionally leave out? Is it even unintentional in the first place since you catered to you own preference and needs?

Individualism or collectivism? well, the reason that both are ends of a spectrum speaks volumes of itself being a continuum. So, in a somewhat similar fashion, with regards to the answer to questions in the above para, whether you are accountable or not, its not important. The crux of the issue is the extent! Are you overly individualistic, or too self sacrificing?

This question will depend on the social context, as well as individuals character and personality. There is no right or wrong, for ultimately, it's a choice.

And if you had paid attention, making a choice necessarily means neglecting the rest.

Am i uttering rubbish?

Your choice :)

What a way to kick start the year, lol!

幸福的回音

2008-12-12T12:45:00.001+08:00

幸福到底是怎样的玩意儿？是一种感觉吗？还是一种象征？其实幸福时时刻刻都与我们为伴，只是不知足的我们似乎视而不见。幸福在于每天能够活得自在，能够把周边的事务变得更美好。幸福在于有改变的权利，有掌握生命的动力。

在这段学期里，我更深一层地了解自己，自己的情感模式，性格，人生的另一面。除了课务繁忙，我渐渐体会到了要怎样平衡处理我种种的事务，虽然还不能算有条不紊，但下个学期，我一定要做的更好。

爱一个人才是真正的幸福，被爱往往不能长久。说到爱，我做了认真的思考，也的了小小的结论。爱是一种使命，是抽象的。它是责任，是一个伟大任务，胜于亲密，关心，谅解，容忍，和睦，开心，etc. 爱是漏印在双方心中的同一个梦想，奥妙无比。亲密，关心，谅解，容忍，和睦，开心，etc 只是桥梁，虽不是爱本身，但也扮演着举足轻重的角色.

爱也是一种挑战，越艰辛，越有意义（当然前提是双方能克服）。它是个长久的拉锯战，你不能说停，也难以说放弃（除非你无心）。它的果实是甜的，但绝非让你非常满足到底。丝丝的满足感，提供你微妙的力量。你不能要求太多，因为多反而不一定是好。唯有用心感应，不言而喻 :)

This indeed is one of my rare posts in chinese. It took me some time to churn it out. My chinese has indeed gone rusty. Anw, holidays are getting on real fast, and christmas is coming, signaling the impending commencement of the next sem! But before that there will be results. Keeping my fingers crossed :)

The Birthday Theory

2008-11-03T19:11:00.002+08:00

Technically speaking, birthdays are annual events, rare as they seem, but genuine as they are. Especially when hallmarks of growth are concerned, e.g. 21st etc (u get my meaning), people do really get into the joyous mood as if another festive season just arrived. Fantabulous (ok no such word) parties are thrown, impactful events to remember. Supposed to last a lifetime. But for me, which of course being a november baby, mine had to come, though excruciatingly slow people would say, but nevertheless being younger for a few months certainly made me feel more elated and grant me that humorous edge in life whenever i hang out with my peers.

Not to bore you all more with my suspicious intention of getting you familiar with some big or bombastic theory. Its just called Happy Birthday in English. Yes! 21st. What can it mean? it means you would have lived 21 years, many months, many many days, many many many hours, many many many many minutes, and lastly (or else you will stop reading i think..:) many many many many many seconds... Well, they say 21 is a pretty nice age, you are an adult, physically.. take note.. physically.. nothing to imply mental maturity, but yes, if u are not mature yet, keyword is ACT like one. And so the celebration begun.. it all started when oct came to an end.. people were focused so much on mid term examinations, and then this weird's guy bday just popped out of a sudden. Kinda interrupted the mugging mood.. But then.. as they say, birthday right? festive season right? yes so of course got some kinda mood..

Some chronological events here.. it all started like this.. sat afternoon, went singing with wl,eq and ct. Cut a sinful chocolate cake and finished by all of us there.. sun morning went to jalan kayu for prata (erm that was breakfast, but also kinda celebrating my bday..) as u can see, since sun was my bday, everything that has transpired on that day is deemed as "in celebration of the day".. Then of course i had my tuition after my breakfast, and had a couple of bday greetings that came along.. Then went back to sch, then went to sing k again, then came back hall with the last few hours spent wonderfully. Well its a matter of the mind, and i can recall how painful the last few minutes of my bday.. it was a countdown, except that it was a countdown to an end. So i guess it made no meaning.

But thats how it went in a nutshell, with some presents along the way. i must say its simple, yet very meaningful. I am satisfied, i am happy. there are somethings although, which i must admit, that are not very smooth along the way, some moments of regret and disappointment, but i appreciate that it came as part of this experience.

Life should not always be happy. There must be tension, and realisation. This period of my life has shown me yet again the people who really care for you, made an effort to stand by and reaffirm their emotional attachment to you. No man is an island, the invisible structures that hold you up as an individual surviving in this great world is revealing itself. I like that feeling. The feeling that u know you are not alone. The feeling that you know that there is something worth striving for.

I know some people like to list down those that wished them happy bday. But i dont like to based on once again a wise man's words (em, in case u are thinking who is it, its my room mate, eugene) - those who know you wont need this anyway, and those who are not close to you dont care anyway.

Oh ya, i almost forget about my title. its called the birthday theory :) it states that everyday is either your birthday or your belated birthday. Every moment you live should be, will be, and must be a moment of pure joy and fulfilling experience. To the mathematical person, 1 day of bday, 364 days of belated birthdays. So its never wrong to wish someone happy birthday, just add the belated word when necessary.
As if this theory is not nonsensical enough, let me say in utter solemnness that this is never a joke. The ability to live fulfillingly is not a want, but a desperate need in all humans.

My greatest birthday wish is to live a fulfilling life as such. To adhere in accordance to this seemingly idealistic birthday theory is not to kid myself, its to strive towards it.

Support my theory! Haha :)

Transience...

2008-10-19T18:47:00.002+08:00

No one can ever be happy all the time. The mood of mine has been plunging into a rollercoaster ride. More often, it has been that of melancholic, depressing, and for a few rare instances, gratification and contentment. There are some problems in me that havent been resolved. It bogs up and down everytime, thankfully it isnt like simple harmonic motion with a constant periodicity. It is not that i have not tried to rein in the situation and seek a solution. The fact that the resolution is always tested against the menacing claws of time quenches my willpower and dampens whatever rationality there is in me that upheld the resolution in the first place. I feel so powerless. Yet in certain instances, or rather occasional ones, i manage to put up a fierce battle against the irrationality and triumph in sheer self-effacement. Well, not to discredit it, but the turmoil soon comes back. The vicious cycle emerges from its only dormant active state. And here i go again... transience.. what a word.. so succinct in its epitomisation of my plight..

Maybe the problem lies in the resolution.. probably its a lousy resolution..but any o how, it was already made to the best of my ability at that point in time. I probably need to refine it. Afterall, life is about progress, not perfection.. as i always put it across to myself. A barber cant cut his own hair, but at least he tries to. Until my next entry, i shall update you with this ferocious battle i face every day, every moment. It is okay if you do not understand what i say, because it is meant to be personal.

Just to draw a parallel to Hsienberg Uncertainty Principle, you cannot simultaneously locate the problem and the magnitude of the problem at the same time. Well the above is just to amaze myself and adopt a lighter outlook of the problem.

Meanwhile, with the exams roaring ahead.. it is almost inevitable that the countdown begins.. And the mugging instincts unleashed.

Till my next post, permanence shall be striked out of my vocab.

The Battle Of M&M

2008-09-24T16:25:00.002+08:00

Its not the one that says melt in your mouth, not in your hands. The 2 Ms stand for macro and micro. I'm describing life. Life consists of macro and micro forms. It can be the mindset, it can be an act, it can span across various intentions. one common dilemma people face would be whether to focus on macro or micro. Some say we should always maintain the macro outlook while working on the micro. Some say that there are times to focus on the macro, and times to focus on the micro, it cannot be simultaneously well attended to. what's the right way actually then? is there even a right model which exists that is emboldened in successful personalities or characters? What is the right balance then if both macro and micro are needed concurrently?

Some of these questions have popped up recently. There are so many things that i've been doing. I've been feeling that i'm just scantily carrying out my daily routines, without any particular meaning or purposeful attention towards anything. I on the path to a jack of several trades. Has uni life changed my lifestyle? Or is it just a brand new stage of my life where there are changes?

A quote i saw on msn about RECESS week. it stands for Really Exciting Cos Everyone's So Stressed. I love the freedom to do what i want to in this much sought after break, including going back to hall to do some peaceful studying and surfing the net. 1 sem comes and go at lightning speed. Maybe its cos i just restarted school, so everything's so fresh! :)

Finally, the topic is back to ME!

2008-08-30T23:46:00.002+08:00

School's been a month for me. The thrill is back again. I like the challenge of academics, though it makes me very stressed and surfaces my perfectionism. It brings back memories of intense studying, and highly stimulating moments. Well, the only difference in lifestyle between now and the good old jc and sec sch days is the greater autonomy given to us. No one cares if u dont wanna study or attend lectures. Sometimes you dont even feel socially out of place when u miss lessons. totally free. and there u also have the liberacy to join whatever clubs or committees you like, with the limiting factor being time. You can do almost as much as u want to achieve. I love staying in hostel, dont ask me why. Maybe it feels abit lonely u think, but there are times i feel secure and comfortable camping there. Well, honestly i dont have any much more stuff to ramble on. Feel people see it anyway.. well i kinda like the phrase on eugene's blog, that whoever who knows me would not need to read what i write about myself, and those that dont will not care anyway. There are things held in private which i would not want to share here, so this might not be the real me you are perceiving.

Life's been great so far, made new friends, adapted to the academic lifestyle, back into the self-contained academic warzone. The battle has just begun, i'm stretched on many ends, including trading.

Shooting Blanks, Scoring Zeros

2008-08-09T16:42:00.004+08:00

Radical Honesty,by Dr. Brad Blanton, posted a rude awakening to my life. It depicts an absolute truth of not witholding the darkest fears and secrets of your life experiences to anyone, and hence able to live in the present, and experience being. This is indeed unpalatable on first hearing, but yet embeds a powerful logic behind human functioning. Humans escape our darkest fears, we repress our emotions, live beneath a sheath constructed for ourselves so that we feel secure. Our minds loathe uncertainty, and lusts for predictability. In some sense, we over controlled our minds. We created a shield or coat so that we can live in the socially correct or self perceived acceptable way without feeling any discomfort or tension. Dr Blad Blanton, with his slightly indignant tone of writing at times when portraying the rationale to being honest, rightfully vindicates the unconventional nature of telling the truth. the truth hurts, but to live freely, you must have the courage to experience the pain first, or even more pain, before you grow.

It is a tough decision to make, and we often lack the spiritual and emotional muscle to take the first step. It is a daunting task to tear down our own beliefs and adopt a new model of behaviour. We often dont, and its hard to sustain even if we started, it takes full determination and cooperation from others to make it work. The pathetic situation about us living behind a self constructed mask is just like shooting blanks - you get the sound effect but you don't experience the real effect. It functions just so to obey the convoluted instinct inside you. Some of us are too resistant to change, because change carries a price. Some of us are satisfied with living like this, cause change is unimaginable. But yet honesty in life is so vital. Not just honesty, but as Dr Blad said, Radical Honesty. Honesty that is unconventional, raw, and unadulterated. Words that mean truth and the absolute feelings, uncovered, naive, but genuine. Only when an outlet for expression is available that we are able grow out of it, with our creative instincts and sharp mental awareness. We learn from the here and now, be it the moment of glory or the devastating reality.

Things got to start somewhere. It needs to germinate, and continue to grow. Well this book hit quite well with my understanding of psychotherapy. It makes an intriguing read for anyone!

Click here for its website :)

TAR - Tension, Action, Reflection

2008-07-19T10:44:00.003+08:00

Don't get me wrong, i'm not preaching smoking, nor am i lecturing biology. I am just immersed in my own world of thinking once again. And so the journey begins..

TAR, in short, or rather in my perception, represents a cyclic process or routine that makes up the micro and macro parts of our life. Our life consists of many TAR processes repeatedly experienced.. Let me cite you an example. You feel the urge to go for this chocolate buffet due to a long craving for chocolate. You decide to halt the hesitation and ignoring your subconscious which keeps remind you of the sin that you are putting yourself through (chocolates!!), you go for it..So after the buffet, you feel good/bad depending on how u initially perceived ur actions.. maybe guilt cos u can't resist ur urge, maybe satisfaction because u indulged urself exquisitely.Then you concluded after evaluation that it is okay to pamper yourself once in a while and not feel bad. Maybe even setting up a routine so that this becomes a regular perk to motivate you towards greater goals in life. This eg delineates an entire process of tension, action and reflection. Now lets go in depth into the 3 elements.

Tension - A feeling/sensation, positive or negative, that causes you to literally feel charged up. This could result from a push, a pull in any combinations from any number of sides. Ok this sound pretty much like forces in physics. But there you go,translating it in life, this is it. Tension doesn't recognise direction, it comes in any magnitude, from anyone, even including yourself. It includes encouragement, discouragement, motivation, despondence etc. Any thing that constitutes an attractive/repulsive force which "charges" us up for fight/flight would qualify. But take note, feeling good after obtaining good results for e.g. might be a one time off sensation and doesnt contribute to further developments later on do not come under tension.. these are just passing events.. they are spectators, decorations.

Action - This is the real thing. Something visible, tangible. A manifestation of our innate charged up tendencies. How we feel is reflected in what we do. What we achieve is what we conceive. Why we do it is how we feel it should be done. Thats it. Simple. Yet the jewel lies in this process. The takeaways in life are encapsulated, more often disguised, buried, and enmeshed in this bizzare, perplexing, and sometimes outwardly threatening event. The timeframe for our execution of actions can be long, short, it doesnt matter. The fact is our learning point commences here. Cliches like life is a journey, not a destination, what we do is not important as how we do, it is the process that matters etc, takes its meaning through it. Different people gain different insights and feelings through their actions. Some serve as big revelations, discoveries, some serve to validate their own viewpoints. The baseline is: we all learn something. What everyone learn is unique to him/herself.

Reflection - Most people never do this enough. Reflection is not easy. It involves thinking about what you've learnt about in your actions, and evaluate it for the better growth of yourself. That is to say, there must be a conclusion and an end to what you found out. It must be specific. For e.g, this has helped me in... i would not want to do this again.. ok these are just VERY SUPERFICIAL examples. Keyword here is think. Think hard and think deep. Align it to your purpose of the event. Re-orientate it to you current situation in life. Reposition yourself after your actions, re-evaluate your current position, and plan the next path. Make some decisions. Discard what is useless to you, be it thoughts, ideas, anything tangible included. reflection is the bridge to your next mission in life. you need the link, or else you are just mundane. you are stagnating, going through motion.

So herein i've tried as best as possible to explain these 3 elements of TAR. Every element is equally important and has its reason for existence. However i would like to stress that every individual might not experience or i should say derive the full benefits of every stage. Some might not reflect enough, some do not place importance on their learning experiences, some simply ward off tension in their lives because of fear. To each he moulds his own way of life. We can experience more cycles than many others in that short period of time. It differs. Important thing is that we move, we progress, and we are not afraid to face it.

I hope

2008-06-26T10:42:00.008+08:00

2.5 years passed in the blink of an eye, be it the green times, or the current disorientated transition period after my ORD. Whatever it is, times of studying seems to be back again.. this time, it would be a different me undergoing the tenacity and rigour of the academics test. My life has been stretched in the past 2.5 years i would say, and i had experienced something distinctly different from the past 18 years of my pre-university life. One major change is the awareness that i must be independent, that i am no longer in the days of relishing in my own comfort zone. I know in this process this would be a tough period, where sacrifices need to be dished. In my various endeavours so far, while i have found meaning in whatever i do, i have not fully found my real direction and intrinsic meaning in life. While i allowed myself to experience the trials and tribulations, the intricate details of existence, i have not galvanised myself to act upon them, to form convictions and strengths within to chart my own path. I am rather thankful to many of my dear friends whom without them, i wont be able to taste the niceties of progressing through life as a team, rather as an individual, to do the little things together, enjoying our insignificant yet joyous and inflated moments of pride.

Uni beckons next, with a whole new world to me. Not the people, not the academics, not anything. Its a challenge to me because my routine is going to be changed. My expectations would need to be altered. My act of balancing have to be refined for the better. My own psyche has to adapt well. The nitty gritty of it all seems to expands in front of me.

I hope, and i hope. No. I will, and i must.

Till then, if you are still reading this, give me a nudge. My fortnightly posts are turning into a monthly one if u observe. But well, does it depend on the readership?

Please, this question is not rhetoric, do answer! :P

Yes/No, you decide.

I like quotes about life, don't know why.

Life is a journey, not a destination
Life's about progress, not perfection
Life is about balance, not extremes
Life is about laughter, not the joke
Life is a game, not the results
Life is about the whys, not the whats and hows

My last self created inspiration about life...

Life is about living in fearless eternity, creating a unique prototype where you base your self-esteem and source of significance, seeking life progresses from within, achievements from the internal, through our interactions with the external reality. We are who we are, as much as we allow ourselves innately.