This is mainly because it is no longer a central point in my life. It is just something that sits in the background.

So this is me in 2 different running outfits (I seem to spend most of my time in running gear these days)

My eating has changed permanently. I eat small meals. I don’t snack much and when I do I don’t eat very much at all.

Besides, as I am now training for the marathon my nutritional needs are totally different. This is my biggest struggle right now.

The one part of my eating that Thinking Slimmer has not impacted on yet is what I eat (as opposed to how much). I know why this is and I need to get someone to help me overcome it. I just won’t be told what to eat. I kick back against it. I have to address this because when training for a marathon you need to put the right fuel in your body to keep you going.

On Sunday’s I have to do a long run which is now over 2 hours. You need to carb up before and after this run. I have no problem with eating carbohydrates – I just have a problem with eating the right ones, the best ones for fuel. I know what they are. I just have a fight with my subconscious to eat them!

The other area that I am trying to focus on is hydration. This is the ultimate in irony because it is Nestle Pure Life the official water sponsor of the London Marathon that is sponsoring me to run in it. You have to laugh don’t you? I have never been good at drinking enough. But now I take a drink on my runs with me and even drink it! This is a huge step forward for me. Around the runs I need to drink plenty as well. Not so good at this. I now I use a very basic way to check this. I look at my fingers. If they are wrinkled I am not hydrating enough! I know – crazy but I think it kind of works for me, as a person who has never been very good at drinking enough. I am still a work in progress and don’t bother lecturing me in the comments. I know it is important to drink enough, in the same way I know it is important to eat nutritionally.

I have days at a time where I panic that I am eating too much. I know that my body is telling me what it needs, and I go with the flow and listen to it. But I panic that I am back to my old ways and so frantically listen to my slimpod. But that can also be a problem because then I am not eating enough before my long runs because I just don’t want to. I have to find the balance somehow.

I am also working on being able to look at myself in the mirror and see myself as a slimmer person. I still don’t. But I have done myself a little recording based on what I’ve learnt on my Cognitive Hypnotherapy course and I think I am already starting to see a small shift in what I see in these photos. I will keep listening and let you know how I get on.

I set myself a goal of size 12 by the time I run the London Marathon. It’s highly unlikely that this is going to happen in reality. Clothes have not started feeling looser for a while. In fact, I swear that my size 14 jeans are getting tighter.

I am not too worried. My training is taking the priority. But it would be nice wouldn’t it?

Since I started my training (started on the 19th December 2011) for the London Marathon which is on the 22nd April, I have run for 134.3 miles, a maximum of 13.21 miles in one run, burned 15,715 calories and done over 34 hours of activity.

If you would like to donate to the charity I am running for it is the Samantha Dickson Brain Tumour Trust and you can go here to donate: BT MyDonate page

If you have donated and want to guess my time, just fill in the survey below

I have always had bad dreams.

Most of the time I don’t remember these dreams. Occasionally I do and they leave a shadow through the day.

Sometimes I don’t dream much at all.

But what I know, is when I remember dreams they are bad ones. With the same characters from my past in them, and with the same generic theme of being out of control.

For the last two nights I’ve had good dreams.

Dreams that I felt good from when I woke up and I love it!

Even more interesting is the content of these 2 dreams.

The first one involved me doing a 5 mile run with a couple of friends from way back in the day (not the sort that would run). It was across fields and involved climbing onto the roofs of buildings – how bizarre! But I won the race and it was easy for me.

Then last night it was a weird sort of triathlon. I had to swim 4 lengths of a very short pool and then run up and down the edge of the pool 8 time. Tom Daley (the British diver) was there taking part. Again I won and again it was easy.

What weird dreams these are eh? No idea what they mean but also, to some degree, don’t care. Because they are good!

I’ve been posting every day as I usually do and sharing what goes on in my life with you all.

But I’ve been away in my head since I met my brother.

I’d lost my happy place and I just couldn’t seem to find my way back.

It was weird because no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to make a difference. Not even Trevor’s magic emails were making a dent in my misery.

Even the endorphins from a long run in the sunshine didn’t help.

I was beginning to feel I’d lost my happy place for good. That everything that I’d achieved was superficial and had just collapsed with even the smallest nudge.

And yet…

…I knew this wasn’t true. It’s kind of hard to explain but there was no substance to the misery. It wasn’t attached to an event, a memory, a thing. It was just a feeling.

My bounce was gone and I really didn’t understand why.

Then last night, as I once more reflected, I realised something.

I had shut down. I had gone back into the little safe protected spot in my head where I can’t be hurt. It’s been such a long time since I visited, I barely recognised it. It may be safe but it’s no fun.

And now, I know what fun looks like and feels like. I know how good it is to feel happy and buoyant each day. I know how good it is to not be focussed inwards, protecting myself, but to be looking outwards and sharing with others.

So, having realised where I was, and why I was there, I made a decision.

I opened the door and stepped out.

And then I closed the door behind me.

And now I’m happy again. I’m back to having fun.

Phew!

You can read my whole journey here. I suggest if you’ve not visited before you scroll back to the first post!

This post in written in support of promoting and raising awareness of the CLIC Sargent Yummy Mummy Week - 10th to 18th March 2012.

This weeks theme is Survival

I dropped the little one off at my friends and headed out on the Fife Coastal Trail through Tentsmuir Forest.

I was delighted when I realised I could do the whole distance in the forest without needing to fight with cars etc.

It was a lovely day. Cold but sunny.

At 2 hours 10 minutes I realised I was lost and had missed my turn home. So I started walking. It took me just under an hour more to find my way home. But the good thing was that I had an unusual opportunity to take some photo’s. So here they are. The forest (from a dead end road I went down!) and a view of Broughty Ferry from the Fife side of the world.

It’s a pretty place to run don’t you agree?

This was all put together for this weeks gallery over at sticky fingers where the subject is "A Landscape"

Although we took food with us, it was still a challenge when the birthday cake came through and she couldn’t be part of it.

As you know, I love making the little one’s birthday cakes, so I instructed to hubby to let the parents at school know that if they were having a party, I would make the cake. That way the little one can fully participate.

The next party coming up happens to be the little one’s best friend at school (or you may call him her boyfriend!)

He loves the Octonauts –and I got quite excited about the prospect of making that cake. But his mother has already got hold of a template to put on top of a circular cake with the Octonauts and his name on it.

So today I decided to make some fondant icing Octonauts characters to go with it. I had to do something! His birthday party is on Saturday and I will make the cakes later in the week.

So here are the three main characters (I think!) What do you reckon?

The only catch is that the little one now wants an Octonauts cake!

We could start with my intervals being really really tough but going ok none the less

I did 8 one minute sprints with a 90 second jog in between (ignore split 1 and 18 because they are warm up and cooldown ).I know that wasn’t the plan but it’s a way that works for me.

I did my 45 minute recovery run down the path before work. I love the fact that it’s getting light enough to do that now. It amused me to think that before my marathon training I would have counted this as a long run! This was 3.68 miles and it went well apart from losing my phone along the path and not realising until I got home! Luckily it wasn’t raining and I found it on the first leg of the path.

Next I went to the sports shop at my gym and spoke to them about a Gait analysis. She did it a totally different way. First I got barefoot (that’s another demon put to rest) and then walked up and down. She spotted straight away my dodgy ankle and which one it was!

Then she had me stand on one leg and bend at the knee to see which way my leg bent.

Then she lifted my toes.

In conclusion I have pretty neutral feet with high arches and should not get too rigid a shoe because of that. That will be why my previous Saucony trainers aren’t working for me and why my cheaper off the shelf ones are fine. She suggested I don’t change anything this close to the marathon. If anything just get another pair of the ones that work for me and after the marathon I can always go in and get some new ones.

This made a lot of sense to me because I don’t get any aches and pains from the trainers I use either for running on the treadmill or outside (I have separate pairs) so I was very happy.

Then today was a 2 hour 15 minute run on my schedule. I had arranged to take the little one over to my friends house and run from there. She is right on the Fife Coastal trail so it was perfect.

At the same time Becca and Darin were running the Brighton half marathon – so I was secretly hoping my time would get me close to 13 miles!

It was a gorgeous day and I ran through Tentsmuir forest so it was totally off road which was lovely.

I started from the top left and headed as you can see on the map along the red line to the right. When my iPod Nike+ told me I was half way through, I turned round and headed back the way I’d come.

Then a couple of things happened. My knee started twinging painfully like it was going to give. I had to walk more than I would have wanted until I found a strange gait that kind of work. This all happened about 1 hour into the run. As it was in the forest there was no option to hop on a bus!

Then you can see I headed to the bottom left. I totally missed my turn home! When I realised I doubled back and took a wrong turn down a dead end again! Then I doubled back again and found the route home which was the left hand leg of the rectangle. By the time I’d realised my mistake, I had run 11 miles and my 2 hours 15 minutes was up.

As my knee was duff I started walking.

I eventually got home in 3 hours and 7 minutes which my Garmin watch said was 13.2 miles and my Nike+ iPod thingy said was 14.9 miles. I walked for about 45 minutes of that.

So there you go. I ran a half marathon today –ish!

Although the last 30 minutes were hell and I could barely walk, right now, a few hours later I feel ok actually. I’m sure I’ll be sore tomorrow but I’m happy that my feet aren’t sore and blistered. I just need to sort my knee!

So here is my summary for the week

If you want to guess my time you can below and it would also be really nice if you made a small donation at the same time by visiting my BT MyDonate page (I have chosen this method of fundraising because they don’t take any sort of admin fee which I like). I won’t be constantly plugging for a donation because I know money is tight. I only want you to give to this cause if you can afford it. There will be a link with every marathon post I do – as well as a link to guess my time. Here are the guesses so far

If you want to guess my time and donate then either leave a comment with your guess (and I will fill in the survey), or fill in the survey below. I will try and think of a nice prize for the winning guess too!

As usual these days we had a great swim. The little one now hangs on to the side unsupported by me and kicks and splashes her legs. We’re getting there.

As usual I was heartened by how well she plays with other kids in the soft play area after her swim

Before we even got to Josh’s house she was asleep in the car!

The coast at Arbroath was lovely as ever

The snowdrops have come out. It’s now light enough for me to run before work and still light when I finish work. I love this

Then they played in the house for a while

Then we went to town to introduce Josh and his mum to Starbucks

There was fun on the rides

And then there was huge fun with the hand dryers in the toilets!

And a run around on the steps

All in all we had a great day together.

There were big hugs when they met up

The boys came back to our house for lunch and a play. When they left we went to the cinema to see the Muppets. The little one was so tired she started whining 3/4 of the way through. So we left. And then she fell asleep

She stayed asleep for an hour or so. Didn’t want any dinner and went to bed at 6pm! What a day!

Look how lovely my friends are! In the space of a week I have already raised £193 (£241 with gift aid) for the Samatha Dickinson Brain Tumour Trust.

I count myself very lucky that in these tough times people are still supporting me in this way.

And my commitment as a result is to not let anyone down, least of all myself, and complete all my training to do my best to prepare for the London Marathon a mere 65 days away on the 22nd April.

This morning I went out along the path to do my mid-week 45 minute recovery run. This is a run time and distance that would have been classed as my “long run” before Xmas and yet today it was a gentle run before work. That is how good my training plan is. It is preparing me so well for the marathon and so I am sticking to every single step to the very best of my ability.

And that is where I am getting frustrated. I am so fortunate in the level of support that has been provided to me by Nestlé Pure Life. I have kit, a full training plan through Full Potential, loads of information and support and I couldn’t be luckier.

But I can’t make the training days.

The special days that they have set up to help you learn to pace your run, learn about nutrition and hydration, learn how the big day will work in practice, do the cool Adidas footscan to find the best trainers and just countless other aspects of support, preparation and reassurance.

I can’t make them because of work, family and my course.

And quite frankly I feel really guilty about it. I am being given an opportunity that so many people would love and I can’t make the most of it.

All I can do is follow my training plan, raise money for my charity and turn up on the day and do the run. I know that’s a lot, but right now I feel bad that it isn’t enough.

If you want to guess my time you can below and it would also be really nice if you made a small donation at the same time by visiting my BT MyDonate page (I have chosen this method of fundraising because they don’t take any sort of admin fee which I like). I won’t be constantly plugging for a donation because I know money is tight. I only want you to give to this cause if you can afford it. There will be a link with every marathon post I do – as well as a link to guess my time.

If you want to guess my time and donate then either leave a comment with your guess (and I will fill in the survey), or fill in the survey below. I will try and think of a nice prize for the winning guess too!