The Molluskan Zodiac

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th July 2026

2026-07-19T11:03:17.476-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 68 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Tom Cruise in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. In a parallel universe you were born as William F. Buckley, Jr.. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th July 2026

2026-07-12T13:10:40.432-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A pretty young woman connected to the number 6 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Spider Man, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Bob Newhart will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Darth Vader a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th July 2026

2026-07-05T11:04:56.364-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). In a parallel universe you were born as Abraham Lincoln. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henry A. Kissinger in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th June 2026

2026-06-28T11:45:22.311-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. The number 13 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 29, the color black and someone who has a connection to Elizabeth Taylor will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Friday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd June 2026

2026-06-21T10:02:32.846-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th June 2026

2026-06-14T23:25:13.631-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Paul McCartney, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You are not Bob Newhart, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 76 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th June 2026

2026-06-07T13:07:36.210-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michael J. Fox, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st June 2026

2026-05-31T02:51:40.013-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as William Shakespeare, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th May 2026

2026-05-24T13:23:32.586-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Rick Santorum, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid the number 44 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th May 2026

2026-05-17T12:01:29.262-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as William F. Buckley, Jr. and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 34, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Vincent Van Gogh will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Leonardo Da Vinci then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2026

2026-05-10T00:21:43.410-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 70 feet, but no more than a mile. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The number 1 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something about the number 18 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 45, the color black and someone who has a connection to Chevy Chase will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2026

2026-05-03T12:19:10.447-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you wear purple on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 61 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A man connected with the number 48 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Paul Harvey. Does this matter? Only time will tell. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th April 2026

2026-04-26T11:59:15.940-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Thursday who looks at all like Vincent Van Gogh, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 4, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Hanging out with a Scallop on Sunday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th April 2026

2026-04-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Alfred Hitchcock, The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Helen Keller then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th April 2026

2026-04-12T13:29:22.682-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

In a parallel universe you were born as Fred Astaire. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are not Herman Cain, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. On Thursday, the color white, the number 57 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th April 2026

2026-04-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Charles Dickens, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

The number 66 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th April 2026

2026-03-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Carrie Fisher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. The number 45 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 20 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Tuesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2026

2026-03-22T16:07:24.767-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Gandhi driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2026

2026-03-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like George Clooney, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2026

2026-03-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Should you wear pink on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 15, the color red and someone who has a connection to Bob Dylan will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Sigourney Weaver, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2026

2026-03-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Augustus Caesar. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd February 2026

2026-02-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 78 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Sunday night you will dream of being Mae West. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Valerie Harper, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 32 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th February 2026

2026-02-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A man connected with the number 93 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are not Arthur Ashe, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Rick Perry driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 97 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 21, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th February 2026

2026-02-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 49 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 47 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Eddie Murphy a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd February 2026

2026-02-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 79 feet, but no more than a mile. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Beethoven, Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

On Friday, the number 5 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something about the number 54 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.