The Molluskan Zodiac

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd January 2012

2012-01-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! On Friday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You will go to an auction on Thursday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 90 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Sunday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th January 2011

2012-01-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 60 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? On Friday night you will dream of being John Candy. You won't know why until the following Tuesday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Avoid the number 74 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Harrison Ford will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th January, 2012

2012-01-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lewis Carrol, Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though, that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Take extra special care on Tuesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The
Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Lucille Ball a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd January 2012

2012-01-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

Featuring bonus 'fast-n-eZee' 2012 predictions!

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

2012 predictions: more hair, fewer teeth

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

2012 predictions: faster car, slower legs

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

2012 predictions: agony in France, ecstasy in Luxembourg

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

2012 predictions: improved sensitivity to low-frequency sounds, reduced sensitivity to high-frequency sounds

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. On Friday, the color yellow, the number 31 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

2012 predictions: muscle gain, possible limb loss

The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. On Monday, the number 73 will signify bad news...but any odd number might also signify bad news. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

2012 predictions: fewer friends, more fungal infections

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

2012 predictions: more lubrication, less friction

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

2012 predictions: increased safety, reduced frequency of accidents involving vibrating devices

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

2012 predictions: more cheese, less salt

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Marilyn Vos Savant a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

2012 predictions: increased exposure in international media due to inappropriate sexual liaisons, reduced chances of securing Republican Party nominee for 2012 US Presidential elections

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th December 2011

2011-12-25T15:34:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 70 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ross Perot and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Valerie Harper and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might
be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th December 2011

2011-12-18T11:26:00.000-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Gandhi then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2011

2011-12-11T10:26:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles William Shakespeare a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th December 2011

2011-12-04T10:45:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Avoid the number 94 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Neil Armstrong, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Plato then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th November 2011

2011-11-27T21:02:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You are not Napoleon, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you see anybody this week who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jim Carrey in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st November 2011

2011-11-20T23:50:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like William F. Buckley, Jr., then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 48, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. The number 62 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th November 2011

2011-11-13T22:18:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th November 2011

2011-11-06T10:37:00.001-08:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Tiger Woods. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st October 2011

2011-10-30T21:01:00.001-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something about the number 75 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bob Dylan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like David Beckham will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th October

2011-10-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
The number 84 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Bill Gates, You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th October 2011

2011-10-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mary Tyler Moore, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were
lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 94. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Michele Pfeiffer then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th October

2011-10-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Thomas Jefferson, You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Tiger Woods, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 13 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd October 2011

2011-10-02T14:44:00.001-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Carl Sagan will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th September 2011

2011-09-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 49 feet, but no more than a mile. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Jimmy Conners. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Benny Goodman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th September 2011

2011-09-18T12:48:00.001-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 40 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Avoid the number 14 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like George Clooney driving a white car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th September 2011

2011-09-11T16:08:00.001-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Carl Sagan driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Wednesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color white will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 99, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. The number 97 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 32, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Charles Yeager will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th September

2011-09-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. On Wednesday, the color purple, the number 55 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th August 2011

2011-08-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as C. G. Jung, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd August 2011

2011-08-21T15:20:00.001-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A man connected with the number 85 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 7 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene
problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Julia Roberts will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Thursday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 2 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th August

2011-08-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Miley Cyrus in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2011

2011-08-07T15:08:00.001-07:00

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Vincent Van Gogh, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.