Did you know that "the estimated prevalence of anxiety disorders in children ages 9-17 is 13%"(www.healthcentral.com)?  This figure doesn't even account for children under the age of 9.  All children and adults experience fear.  It is built into our bodies to warn us of impending danger.  But sometimes our imaginations can go above and beyond to protect us, causing the fear to intensify and sometimes be debilitating.

Think for just a moment to when you were a child.  What things seemed scary to you?

Talking to strangers, bugs, riding a two wheeler, going down the slide for the first time, learning to swim, catching a hard ball, talking in front of a group, monsters, the dark, sleeping in your own bed, being kidnapped, dogs, loud noises, lightning, thunder, tornadoes, getting in trouble, your teacher, bullies, yucky foods, calling someone on the phone, scary people, Halloween costumes, the list goes on and on...

I remember a time when I was around 4 or 5, and I was visiting my grandmother.  Evidently she had a sister that just came home from the hospital after having brain surgery.  She came to my grandmother's house with her head all wrapped up in bandages.  I was petrified of this lady.  I left the house and went to the playground, and wouldn't come back in until she left my grandma's house.

As a parent, we have a dilemma when our children are experiencing fear on a level that is affecting their lives.  It is actually a very delicate issue.  To our child, her fear is very real.  Even though we don't see the danger, and we can assure our child that he or she is safe, our child in that moment does not feel safe. However, we also know that in order for our child's self esteem to grow and develop, she must overcome this fear and prove to herself that she can accomplish the task in front of her.

I'll give you a real example from my own life.  My son Ian, who is currently 9 years old, is extremely afraid of learning how to ride his bike.  We believe he must have some serious sensory issues regarding balance or something because everytime we try, he becomes extremely agitated, gets off the bike right away and says "I'm not going to do this".  No incentive or consequence motivates him.  The fear is deeply ingrained.

Take another example of a child who is deeply afraid of the water.  Anytime you put her in the water, she screams hysterically.  Her parents want her to learn how to swim because they feel it is an important life skill.  Or maybe your child is deathly afraid of talking to new people, and this is prohibiting him from making friends.

Here are a few tips you can use to help your child work through and overcome his or her fears:

1.  Avoid getting frustrated by your child's fears.  I know this can be hard sometimes, but if you feel yourself getting emotional, take a little break to calm yourself down.  Your frustrations will only fuel your child's anxiety.

2. Never throw your child head first into his fear thinking this will help him get over it fast.  This is like throwing someone that has a snake phobia into a snake pit.  The fear will only intensify.

3. Take some time to talk through the fear.  Find out what kind of thoughts your child is having.  Help your child talk about everything she thinks about relating to that fear.  Ask her questions like "So what do you think will happen?" "And if that happened, what would you do?"  "What else are you afraid of?"

4. Acknowledge and validate all her thoughts and emotions.  Let her know it is perfectly okay to think and feel the way she does.

5.  Then help her come up with more empowering ways of thinking about her fear.  How else could she see the situation, object, activity in a more positive way that did not invoke fear?  Again, you are only helping her think differently at this time.  Let her come up with as many of the ideas as she can, but you can help.

6. Together come up with a plan to slowly expose your child to his/her fear a little bit at a time:

Examples:

Separation anxiety:  Mommy leaves for 3 minutes while Joey looks at a picture of Mommy

Fear of water:  Mommy and Chloe sit on the side of the pool for 2 minutes with their feet in the water

Fear of new people:  Mommy and David walk up to a new kid on the playground together and Mom says "Hi, this is David".

Fear of riding bike:  Mommy and Ian sit on a tandem bike for 3 minutes and mom holds the balance

7. Talk about how that felt to take that little step 

8. Plan a new step that is just a little bit bigger than the last step.

9. Slowly build up from there, and celebrate the progress you make along the way.

10. If the fear is so intense that you can't make any progress, seek professional help.

 

What is your child afraid of, and how do you help him/her overcome the fear?

Have you ever thought about whether you are raising a consumer or a producer?  I never had either until I was talking to Mark Boersma, president and CEO of Synergy Solutions, and father of 7 wonderful children, many of which are already young entrepreneurs.

"The consumer, so it is said, is the king ... each is a voter who uses his money as votes to get the things done that he wants done" [Paul A. Samuelson Economics]

"Every man is a consumer, and ought to be a producer ... He is by constitution expensive, and needs to be rich" [Ralph Waldo Emerson Wealth]

A consumer is simply a person who acquires good or services for his or her own personal needs; someone that consumes.  Whereas, a producer is a person that produces goods or services for sale; a person that produces.  It's not hard to figure out, in a society, that we want to raise producers.  Although we are all consumers, if we remain strictly consumers, we won't last very long in this world as adults.  Sooner or later, we must produce.  And in this day and age, we must produce at a pretty high level.

I just spent the last four days at a Tony Robbins conference.  Most of us know that Tony is one of the leading personal development and business experts in the world!  Something he said really stood out for me because I think it is very true.  And it will be even more true when your kids and my kids are entering the workplace.  He said, today's standards are much higher.  People expect much more, and if you don't produce, you are going to be very disappointed with your rewards or results.  For instance:

If you produce Poor Work              Your Rewards are Nothing (you are gone)

If you produce Good Work             Your Rewards are Poor  (you might be gone too)

If you produce Excellent Work        Your Rewards are Good

If you produce Outstanding Work    Your Rewards are Excellent

So now that we know the difference between a consumer and a producer, and why it matters, consider the following scenarios.  Are these children more of a consumer or a producer?

• Two year old Johnny's mommy asks him to pick up his blocks and put them in the bucket, and he does that while his mom makes lunch.
• Three old Allison gets out her puzzles and dumps them on the floor, then decides to play with her play food and dishes, gets bored with that and pulls out a bunch of books to look at.  Then she runs off to watch her favorite show on TV.
• Nine year old Jayden runs downstairs in the morning before school, and sits at the breakfast table, waiting for his mom to make his breakfast.
• Eight year old Maria gets out of bed, gets dressed, fixes herself a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and makes her lunch for school.
• Fifteen year old Josh sits and plays his favorite video game on a Saturday afternoon while his Dad is outside mowing the lawn.
• Sixteen year old Jacob started his own landscaping business when he was 14, and now has many satisfied customers he takes care of every year.

Here are 10 ways that you can start raising a producer:

1. Start your children with chores at a young age.
2. Teach your children to be wealth conscious and health conscious.
3. Don't do for your children what they are capable of doing for themselves.
4. Get your children involved in volunteering.
5. Avoid giving an overabundance of material items.
6. Show them how to make their own money.
7. Enroll your children in leadership programs.
8. Encourage your child to overcome his/her fears.
9. Set and communicate your expectations.
10. Give your children the skill set needed to succeed. 

So what do you think?  Does our society need more consumers or producers?  What do you do to prepare your children for the future?  Chime in.

 

 

Last weekend, I had an interesting opportunity to participate in part of my school's Taekwondo Survival Camp. Taekwondo develops not only the body, but our mind and spirit as well.  At 8:00 PM, we were instructed to get ready for meditation.  I thought to myself, I came at a good time.  I missed a lot of the rigorous work others had to do earlier.

As we sat in meditation position, eyes closed, the music began.  I said one thing to God.  My words were "Lord, speak to me.  Tell me what it is you want me to hear."  And that is all I said.  I sat for a few moments thinking we were just going to sit and meditate.  But our Grand Master had a different idea for meditation for us this evening.

He handed all of us two white paper plates, one with a small tealight candle.  Another Taekwondo Master went around the room filling one of our plates with dried soybeans while Master Lee handed us a pair of chopsticks.  Looking at my plate full of soybeans, I was curious what we were going to do with these chopsticks, especially since I did not know how to use chopsticks.

Master Lee gave us very quick instructions on how to use chopsticks to pick up food, and then told us that we had 20 minutes to transfer the dried soybeans from one plate to the other using the chopsticks, one soybean at a time.  As I put the chopsticks in my hand, I quickly realized I had no idea what I was doing and I couldn't even begin to pick up a single bean.  One of my other Masters tried to show me how to use the chopsticks, but my perfectionism was getting in the way.  Grand Master Lee interrupted and said "Do not show her, this is her mission!"

I was on my own, and the clock was ticking.  The lights went out, leaving us with our plate of dried soybeans, our chopsticks, and our tealight candle to see.  I looked at the little boy next to me, who looked to be about 9 years old.  He wasn't using the chopsticks the proper way, but maybe I could learn from him. So I put the chopsticks in my hand the way he was holding his, and I struggled to pick up a bean.  I kept trying, and eventually I got the hang of it.  One by one, I slowly transferred the beans to the other plate.

After transferring about 20 beans, I must have lost momentary control of my mind.  Because I had a vision of taking my plate of beans and whipping it across the room.  So I took a deep breath and went back to transferring my beans.  As I sat quietly in the monotony of the task, I heard a voice.  It wasn't my voice.  It wasn't a voice from the dojang.  It was a voice that came out of nowhere.  It said "Slow Down.  Wait for Me."  And then I remembered I had asked God to speak to me and tell me what He wanted me to hear.

From that moment, I began to think about where in my life did I need to slow down?  Where was I not being patient?  I slowed down and I began to take delight in transferring the beans from one plate to the other.  I asked myself, what's the rush?  This exercise is designed to build focus and patience.  If I truly allow it, picking up dried soybeans with chopsticks is relaxing.  It is only when we fight with our mind and our bodies does the exercise become challenging and tiring.

So the next time you want to unwind your family from a long week, and teach them focus and patience at the same time, I challenge you to practice this exercise of transferring dried soybeans with chopsticks from one plate to another.  Turn off the lights, light the candles, and put on some meditation music.  Your family may think you've lost your mind, but they also might be nice and relaxed at the end of that experience.