The Momnificent™ Blog

Gifts Everyone Appreciates

2009-12-07T12:13:40-06:00

Yesterday my husband and I were talking about our Christmas list, and brainstorming ideas for Christmas gifts for everyone. As I read through some of the names, I realized anything I bought for them would just be something they probably already have, or don't need. I bet you have some people like that on your list. I got to thinking about what gifts I could give that everyone appreciates and didn't clutter up the house with more "stuff".

Here are some ideas I came up with:

Donations to Charities: The first thought that came to my mind was giving a donation in their honor to Feed My Starving Children or some other charity I know this person would align with.

Words of Affirmation: My son Ian just received the best gift I have ever seen from his classmates for his 8th birthday. He brought home a gigantic scroll that said "We like Ian because..." Every child wrote down a reason they liked Ian. When I read these words of affirmation back to Ian with joy and enthusiasm, he was grinning from ear to ear. There was no doubt this gift filled his heart with pride for who he was.

Acts of Service: What about giving coupons or gift certificates to people that entitle them to some act of service you know they would love. This coupon entitles you to a weekend of relaxation - I will come and do all your weekend chores. Or how about a promise to fix their favorite meal and dessert?

Gifts of Love: Try offering someone genuine forgiveness, or unconditional love. Give your loved one the gift of peace and quiet for a day. Thanking someone for the great person she is, or for all she gives and does. Promise someone you will truly listen without distractions. Growing your character to be more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, attentive, gentle, faithful or reliable is one of the greatest gifts you could give someone.

Homemade Gifts: I am a big advocate of thoughtful gifts. Nothing speaks more to "thoughtfulness" than something you have taken time to make. Whether it is a batch of cookies with a personalized note, a homemade Christmas ornament, or a personal poem, homemade gifts say "I care enough about you to spend time on you." One of the gifts my husband often makes for people is personalized music CDs, with music that communicates a certain theme or specific message.

Inspiration: One of my favorite websites is Simple Truths. They have so many inspirational books, movies and pictures. What person doesn't need positive messages on a regular basis they can read or listen to?

This holiday season, you don't have to wrack your brain or pick out another tie you know your loved one doesn't need. Use your love and creativity to give a gift that will leave an impression.

A Superstar for a Day

2009-12-05T10:28:50-06:00

This past Monday, I had the privilege of experiencing a once in a lifetime opportunity. A few months ago, a magazine called "Best You" was looking for women who took on a new sport after the age of 40. As I read through the media inquiry, I thought to myself, "hey, I started Tae Kwon Do when I was 44".

So for the fun of it, I submitted my story along with the required pictures, and was quite shocked when I found out they had selected me for the magazine. For one day, I got to pretend I was a superstar. A makeup artist showed up at my house at 8:30 in the morning. The only other time I can remember having my makeup done for me is when I got married. About 30 minutes later, an entire photography crew came; not just one photographer, but three.

After being completely made up, face and hair, we trekked over to the dojang (Tae Kwon Do studio) to begin the photo shoot. I have never seem so many lights and photography equipment in my entire life. So for the next 2 hours, I kicked, yelled, punched and played with my son in front of the camera. I wish I could share some of the photos with you because Tamara Reynolds, the photographer, was amazing. Candace, the makeup artist, kept teasing me by saying "How does it feel to have people?" I guess that's how it feels for the movie stars. It was definitely fun, but I can't say I would enjoy doing that everyday of my life.

Here are a few pictures my hubby took from home:

Before the Makeup

Candace, the makeup artist (she was airbrushing on makeup)

Ian and Tamara Reynolds, the photographer

The Three Skills Every Child Needs for Good Behavior

2009-12-03T08:48:45-06:00

Good Behavior is not “Magic”—It’s a Skill

by James Lehman, MSW

When you have a child who acts out and is disrespectful or disruptive, it’s easy to compare him to the so-called “good kids” who never seem to get into trouble or give their parents grief. Many people feel hopeless about the possibility of ever teaching their child to “magically” become the kind of well-behaved member of the family they envisioned before they had him.

It’s actually the learning process associated with consequences that changes the behavior.

The truth is that good behavior isn’t magic—you can’t just wave a wand and turn your child into who you want him to be. Rather, good behavior is a skill that can be learned, just like carpentry, teaching or nursing. I believe three of the most important skills for children to learn as a foundation for good behavior are: how to read social situations, how to manage emotions, and how to solve problems appropriately. If your child can learn to master these three tasks with your help, he will be well on his way to functioning successfully as an adult.

Skill #1: Reading Social Situations
The ability to read social situations is important because it helps your child avoid trouble and teaches him how to get along with others. If he can walk into a classroom, lunchroom, playground or a dance, read what’s going on there, and then decide how he's going to interact in that environment in an appropriate way, he's already halfway there. So if your child sees a bunch of kids who usually tease and bully others, the skill of reading social situations will help him stay away from that group, rather than gravitate toward it.

Parents can help their kids develop these skills by getting them to read the looks on people's faces at the mall or a restaurant, for example. If your child can learn to see who looks angry, frustrated or bored, two things will happen: the first is that he will be able to identify how people might be feeling. Secondly, he'll learn that he should try to identify other people's emotions. Both are integral in learning how to read social situations.

Skill #2: Managing Emotions:
It’s critical for your child to learn how to manage his emotions appropriately as he matures. Managing your emotions means that it’s not OK to punch a hole in the wall because you’re angry; it’s not OK to curse at your dad because he took your iPod away. Children need to learn that just because they feel bad or angry, it does not give them the right to hurt others.

Ask the Right Questions

If your child calls his little sister a nasty name, it’s your job to first sit down and ask, “What did you see going on that you thought you needed to do that?” Not, “How did you feel?” but “What was going on?” You’ll find that usually this type of behavior is generally self-centered. Perhaps your child’s little sister is getting more attention or she’s watching a show and he wants the TV, or she’s playing with the video games and he wants to play them. When your child does not know how to deal with that situation and he becomes nasty or abusive, it’s time for you to step in and put a stop to it. And I think you should very clearly state, “Just because you’re angry, it doesn’t give you the right to call your sister a nasty name.” That’s an important, direct way of teaching the skill of managing emotions.

What Giving Consequences Does (and Doesn’t) Accomplish

I believe that consequences are part of accountability. In other words, your child should know that if the inappropriate behavior happens again, he will be held accountable. Saying that, I don’t think people change simply because they’re punished or are given consequences. Although parents often focus on them, consequences alone are not enough. Rather, it’s the learning process associated with the consequences that changes a child’s behavior. So it’s the part of your child’s thinking process that says, “Next time I’m upset, if I call Sarah a name, I'm going to be punished. Instead, I can just go to my room and cool down.”

Here's the truth: you can punish kids until the cows come home, but it’s not going to change their behavior. That’s because the problem is actually not the behavior—the problem lies in the way kids think. This faulty thinking then gets externalized into how they behave. If you punish them for the behavior and neglect to challenge the way they think about the problem—or discuss what their options are for dealing with that problem effectively in the future—then really, what are you doing? You’re punishing your child, but he hasn’t learned anything and he’s not going to do anything differently. In fact, he’s probably just going to do it again when you’re not looking.

“What Will You Do Differently Next Time?”

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Skill #3: Teach Problem Solving Skills

There’s No Such Thing as “Good Kids” and “Bad Kids”

I believe that the kids who are labeled “good” are children who know how to solve their problems and manage their behavior and social life, and the kids who are labeled “bad” are kids who don’t know how to solve those problems. A child is often labeled “the bad kid” when he’s developed ineffective actions to solve the problems that other kids solve appropriately. So this child may turn to responses that are disrespectful, destructive, abusive, and physically violent. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as good kids or bad kids, there are simply kids who have learned effective ways of solving life’s problems, and kids who have not.

As they develop, children have to continually adjust their problem-solving skills and learn new ones. For instance, for a three year old, being told “no” is the biggest problem in her life. She stomps her feet, she throws a tantrum. Eventually, she has to learn to deal with that problem and manage the feelings associated with it. And so those tasks continue for five-year-olds who have to deal with the first day of school and for nine-year-olds who have to change in gym. They continue for 12- and 13-year-olds when they’re at middle school, which is a much more chaotic environment than they have ever faced before.

I've devoted much of my career to dealing with kids who behaved inappropriately, all the way from kids who were withdrawn and depressed to kids who were aggressive and acted out physically. I believe a very key element in helping children change their behavior is for parents to learn techniques where they help their child identify the problem they’re facing. Together, you look at how to solve problems and come up with other solutions. So talk to your child about the problem at hand and how to solve it—not just about the emotion your child is feeling.

In the end, there is no magic solution to good behavior. The secret is really in teaching kids how to solve problems; good behavior is simply one of the fruits on that problem-solving tree. Your goal as a parent is to give your child the tools to learn good behavior. It’s never too late to get these tools, but know this: if your child can’t read a situation in the ninth grade and doesn’t know how to respond, reacts by getting aggressive, and then gets into trouble, how do you think they are going to handle it when they’re an adult and their boss tells them something they don’t want to hear? That’s why it’s important for you as parent not to “wish away” the bad behavior and to start teaching your child the skills he needs to change his behavior for good.

Good Behavior is not “Magic”—It’s a Skill The Three Skills Every Child Needs for Good Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

13 Skills Learned in the Profession of Motherhood

2009-12-02T09:07:53-06:00

Is motherhood really a profession? Well, if you look at a list of professions, you probably won't find it on the list, but I'm not sure why. If you think about it, many of the same skills you need on the job are necessary in the profession of motherhood. What we get paid $30,000 to $100,000 a year at work, we are paid nothing at home. But really, what's more important? Building a company or raising the next generation?

Take a look at these valuable skills you are learning, and thank your family for the wonderful and free education you are receiving. :0)

1. Being a Leader: Leadership is the ability to inspire yourself and other people to take positive action in life. Homework, chores and grooming our bodies are all positive actions we motivate our children to take.

2. Creating a Vision for the Future: What is the mission for your family? What impact will your family have on the world at large? These are good questions to consider for your organization.

3. Managing a Team of People: It's rarely easy getting everyone on the same page. Balancing the needs of mom, dad, children, caregivers, friends, family, coaches, music instructors and teachers requires effective management skills.

4. Motivating People to Take Action: I feel like I do this in all my waking hours. I mean, really, how many of us love to do housework, or better yet, have husbands that love to chip in and clean house?

5. Problem Solving: Ever have any problems in your family? :0) Moms are always in problem solving mode. How are we going to whip up dinner when grocery shopping is long overdue?

6. Making Important Decisions: There are not many things more important than making the "best" choices for our children. Who should help take care of our children? What kind of role models do we want to be for our children?

7. Counseling: Sometimes we have to put our conseling hat on and wipe away some crocodile tears. Other times we have to listen without judgment to what is going on in our child's world. Always, we have to offer love and compassion.

8. Conflict Resolution: Can we say "sibling disputes"? This is one of the most important skills we can teach our children. How best to practice than with our own marital conflicts?

9. Good Customer Service: Do you have any demanding customers in your family? How about some picky customers? Most family customers want food when they are hungry, and attention when they are bored.

10. Organizing and Prioritizing Multiple Responsibilities: Moms wear multiple hats...counselors, professional organizers, chefs, wives, doctors, chauffers, housekeepers, dish washers, body washers, teachers, role models, friends, volunteers and yes, even employees.

11. Making Efficient Use of Time: How can we eat, take a bath and get ready for bed in 30 minutes or less? How do we fit all of our competing priorities in the span of 24 hours? Time management is a skill moms practice constantly.

12. Develop Efficient Systems: Anything that makes family life run smoother probably has an efficient system behind it. And guess who created it? Did you say Mom?

13. Working with Financial Constraints: Organizations are not the only groups operating on a budget. So are families, and often times much tighter ones. It takes creativity to meet the financial needs of a growing family.

So, what do you think? Should motherhood be declared a "real" profession?

Tell Me Who's Your Friend...I'll Tell You Who You Are

2009-11-27T09:00:00-06:00

Your personal and business success hinges on the people with whom you share your time. With the right support you'll be energised, encouraged and empowered...your business will thrive. Without it...your business will barely survive.

To be successful, you must surround yourself with successful people, and that includes friends and family. So as you gear up for the festive season, it's important to consider how much influence your best friend, partner, sister, mother or personal trainer has on the success of your business.

It's recognised that we are the average of the five people with whom we spend the most time.

I'll explain this further by way of 3 phenomena.

The Magnet Effect

We are magnets drawing together like-minded people. And the people you attract have a huge effect on the beliefs and ideas that you have about yourself.

When you are confident about your success, vision and life purpose, you attract those people who radiate similar beliefs. These people then become a powerful force that will propel you forward.

Conversely, if you spend time with negative victims who gossip about others...this paints a picture of who You are.

Ask yourself, who am I drawing into my life? They could be people you know or people you hire, your coach, your mentor, your strategist, your outsource professionals. Am I moving towards the people who are where I want to be?

The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect is a scientific phenomena coined by Edward Lorenz. The concept explains that a butterfly, flapping its wings in South America can affect the weather in Central Park. The actual definition is:

"A small variation of an initial condition may produce a large

variation, in the longer term of a system."

While you cannot change another's behaviour, you can change yours.

So when you do something small, for example, when you decide that you're too busy to listen to time wasting jokes and you ask everybody to, "Please stop sending them to me." You're taking charge of your life. You're telling the world that your time is important. And you're asking others to respect your time. You are making a small, but powerful decision that changes your life.

And with those changes unsupportive people and things are organically culled.

The Mozart Effect

The Mozart Effect is a phenomena described by French researcher Alfred Tomatis which states that listening to certain types of music; in particular, Mozart, brings about healing and developmental properties.

The transformational powers of music affect your health, education and well-being. Subliminally your life is affected by the music you listen to AND the people you listen to. You need to ask...is this the music I want to hear? Is it supporting my well-being and transforming my life?

The people that you draw into your life, the small actions you take and the music that you listen to have a HUGE affect on your physical and mental well-being as well as the well-being of your business.

So I ask...with whom will you choose to share your time this Festive Season?

Internationally acclaimed, Success Coach, Mumpreneur, Speaker and Writer Tania Usher is dedicated to creating freedom for Entrepreneurs globally through the power of Building Brilliant Businesses^(TM). To learn how to create an extraordinary life now, register for her free weekly articles at www.TaniaUsherInternational.com

Who You Are Makes a Difference

2009-11-24T20:30:29-06:00

In this season of gratitude, don't forget to let everyone know they make a difference to you. You, readers of my blog, make a difference to me and many other people. Let's spread the blue ribbon!

Blue Ribbon Movie

My College Student's First Visit Home

2009-11-22T10:33:27-06:00

It was 2:00 in the morning, and I heard the garage door open. Reminded me of old times. Tiptoeing out of my bedroom, I walked half way down the stairs. Peeking over the banister into the hallway, there he stood with a big grin on his face. His first words to me were "I knew you would wake up."
I gave my college student a big hug. I am very happy he is home. He looks at me and you could tell things had changed. He said "Your hair is getting long, and it's black!" He walked around the house, looking at everything. He opened the refrigerator, opened the food cabinet, just to make sure home was still home.
A lot has changed in the 3 months he has been gone. There are two new cars in the garage, and there is new family room furniture. But I think what has changed the most is that my son has grown up. It brings tears to my eyes, but it's true. I asked him, "How does it feel to be home?" He said "Good but weird." Life as Kai knows it has been college. His new home is his dorm room. He lives in Columbia, Missouri, not Aurora, Illinois.
I still think that there is magic in our childhood home though. Even though some things have changed, I wanted Kai to experience the familiarity of home - those things that made home what it once was. We spent the day cleaning the house, and decorating it for Christmas. What he walked home to was comfort and beauty, love and family - the wonderful things that make home special.
Everyone is excited to see Kai. His best friend is sleeping in our guest room right now - home from University of Illinois. His girlfriend is ecstatic and will drink in the time she has with him for the next week. Kai's other friends wait in line to spend some time with him. Kai, for one week, will be reunited with the memories of his former life - life before college.
I know Kai will be leaving again soon so I want to cherish every moment I have with him. I have to navigate my way through the transition Kai is going through. This "weird" feeling he has means he is creating a life for himself as an adult. For three months, he has had no supervision. He has made all decisions on his own. He has taken care of his own laundry, made sure he was fed, decided when he goes to bed, whether or not he does homework, and who he spends his time with.
I'm still his mom, and to me, he is still my first born son, whom I adore with all my heart. I went out this morning to buy Dunkin Donuts for the family because I knew he would love it when he finally wakes up. I know I have to share him with all of his friends, but I want to make sure Kai knows, when he goes back to college next weekend, that home will always be home.

I'm a Bad Mom - Managing Competing Priorities

2009-11-19T17:58:06-06:00

Today I am feeling like a bad mom. This is how it all got started. It is 11 days away from my son Ian's 8 year old birthday. I haven't even begun to think about a party for him, even though I know it means so much to him to get together with some friends. I don't even know what to get him for his birthday so of course, I haven't even shopped for a birthday present for him. Normally I am so ahead of the game, and I am on top of all this stuff.
But yesterday I delegated the party booking to my husband, and today we threw together a boring invitation printed in black and white on blue paper from Microsoft Word. I mean, come on, can't I even take the time to hand write out some kid invitations? Because we are so under the gun on getting the invitations delivered, we have to drive the invitations over to the kids' houses. What on Earth has gotten into me?
Do you ever feel like this? There are so many demands on our time. It's not always easy figuring out where to put our time, or how much time to dedicate to a particular activity. What's most important? Our kids? Our business? Our marriage? Our friendships? Our health? Our house? Well, of course, they are all important! But here are a few tips I use to help me sort out the competing priorities:
1. I like what my husband always says. God first. People second. Things last. So if you're feeling a little pulled in many directions, stop and pray. Spend some time with the one who created you. Then tend to your relationships. Hang out with the people you love, and thank God for their presence in your life.
2. Pay attention to your heart. What's tugging at you? What is the "guilt" trying to tell you? For me, my "guilt" is saying "take more time for your son. Put some boundaries in place that separate your business from your family."
3. Don't beat yourself up. Just do your best and forgive yourself for being less than perfect. Pay attention to the expectations you put on yourself. Are they realistic? Believe it or not, my son was excited about the invitations we created on Microsoft Word. (so maybe I should be too)
Being a mom is hard work and we are busy women. So lighten up - you're a good mom, and so am I.

Momnificent! Helps Mothers Achieve Goals

2009-11-15T13:57:12-06:00

Recently, The Daily Herald, Chicago's local newspaper called me to do a story. I was thrilled, and am excited to share that story with you. But I think my favorite part was the picture of me and my beautiful son Ian.
Aurora Woman Helps Other Moms Live More Fulfilling, Balanced Lives by Susan Dibble
When mom coach Lori Radun spoke to the Mothers of Preschoolers group in Aurora recently, she talked about the eight essential ingredients of having a "momnificent" life.

"While she was going over them, in the room you could hear the oohs and ahs," recalled MOPS member Lillian Lucas of Aurora. "You could tell people really connected, and a bunch of people went up to talk to her afterward."

Radun has been connecting with moms across the country and even internationally since becoming a mom coach five years ago. Her self-published book, "The Momnificent! Life: Healthy and Balanced Living for Busy Moms," recently was named a finalist in the sixth annual National Books Awards of USA Book News, an online and review Web site for publishing houses.
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Look Honey, We Made People

2009-11-13T09:00:00-06:00

If I had ever paused to think about it, I would have seen this coming.  However, there were too many “Mom” things to do along the way for me to notice.

I guess it dawned on me a couple of months ago, when I was standing in our living room talking to my kids. While there is nothing unusual about that, every aspect of it was different somehow.

Though we stood face to face, my two daughters, Crystal, age 23, and Malloree, age 14, were forced to look up to my 21-year-old son, Andrew. I cannot recall the subject of our conversation, but it was refreshing to realize that it seemed to matter what each of us was saying. We were not interrupting each other, and approached one another almost as equals.

Somewhere near the end of this moment, even taking the risk of ruining it, I yelled out to my husband, Thomas, in the other room:

“Look Honey, we made people!”

This fact should not surprise me. I suppose that deep down, I believed they would always be viewed as our kids – and that I would be the extension cord that connected them to the outside world.

Thank goodness I was wrong!

I definitely never wanted them to depend on me for everything. But it does start that way in the beginning, and quickly continues on in a marathon of laundry, school projects, dance recitals, studying for exams, athletic uniform pictures, sports picnics, learner’s permits, fender benders, first boyfriends or girlfriends, followed by first heartbreaks, proms, college applications, and then finally, graduation from high school.

In order to survive this whirlwind, a Mom sometimes feels as if nothing can happen unless I am there to make it happen.

Thankfully, it is not up to us, as parents, to be with our kids every step of the way or to chart out their futures. If that were the case, I fear that I would hold them back. Any plans I have for their futures would be tainted with “Mom emotion” and my desire to keep them close to home.

But, as my kids have grown, I have instilled in them the fact that God created them and he will show them what paths to take, since his plans are the only ones that really work out in the long run anyway.

Now that two-thirds of my kids have moved 750 miles away, that doesn’t stop the “Mom emotion” that makes my heart long to see them again.

But, I rest in the fact that God knows what he is doing, and he has done an amazing job with them so far.

Apparently, he must have known they would grow into people all along, and I trust him to finish what he started.
Janet Morris Grimes is a Christian wife and mother of three from Nashville, TN. Recently relocating to Michigan through her husband's job transfer, she has chosen writing as her profession, admitting that "sometimes we chase our dreams, but other times, they chase us, wrestling us to the ground until we finally surrender to their power." View her blog as she chronicles this journey on "Writing for the Pursuit of Sappiness" at www.janetmorrisgrimes.com.