the MommaStrikesBack

2012-01-20T10:48:00.000-06:00

Fun with paper, stamps and white gel pen

Adventures in Yarn Bombing

2012-01-20T10:47:00.000-06:00

I actually did this last winter (early 2011) in front of the Bread Garden Market

I Know I'm Bad...

2012-01-20T10:44:00.000-06:00

but I'm perfectly good at it...

Too much fun & we looked damn GOOD!!!

September 9, 2011

Please to meet Mlle. Collette

2011-12-29T07:18:00.000-06:00

Never thought that I would do anything with this funny little bird that developed late one night in 2009 from a zero no less. I was doodling with numbers and that's what happened. I plan to make a series of them - probably four, but I need to work on the design. I hope (maybe) I can get this done before I go to school next fall. If not, I'll make it a part of some school project... Cheers!

2011-01-10T13:58:00.001-06:00

Discovering Me

    The first time I saw the movie, A Streetcar Named Desire, I was very young and really didn’t understand all of the content in the story. But each time I see that movie one thing has remained the same. There is a scene when the slightly deranged, wilted southern belle, Blanche Dubois, mews in a coquettish voice to her would be suitor that she has always relied on the kindness of strangers. From the first time I heard that at an early age to this day, it is just as chilling.

    The kindness of strangers is such a double-edged sword. So many times in my life and in the history of the world, the kindness bestowed by strangers can have the worst consequences no matter how well meaning. I have observed that no matter how the well meaning the gesture(s) are, the person, persons or organizations have an agenda and many times they seem to have tunnel vision regarding the outcome. Of the many times that I have thought about the events in my early life I come back to the same thing. The Mennonites that installed themselves in our neighborhood had one main purpose, to bring their version of the bible and Jesus Christ to the inner city people, particularly the children. Now with all the missionary efforts through time with as many religious groups as you can think of, there is one thing in common; they believe that their God is the one that you should worship and that thousand of years of your family or people have been wrong and are going to burn in hell if you do not bow down to their god and quit all of your heathen ways. What bugs the every-loving shit out of me is what gives them the right? Let me put it this way. Say all the rappers, controversial ones as well as the ones we find humorous, would go to a place like Kalona and tell them that all the music they have been listening too has been wrong all this time and if they don’t change what they are listening to, they are going to burn in the afterlife and future generations of their families will be damned too if they don’t conform. That would cause a riot, chaos. And yet that is what I felt they tried to do to our families back in the sixties and seventies.

    I’m not sure how long the Mennonites had been hanging around the “inner city” area of Chicago, but I think it started in the early 50’s from what I remember hearing my mother talk about. The earliest memories that I remember was talk about the Union Ave. church. I can’t remember now if it burned down or why the had to move, but nonetheless, they moved to 1113 West 18th Street in the Pilsen neighborhood where I would come to live in 1958, when I was put in a foster home at five days old. They would have referred to me as a welfare baby, a.k.a. new recruit.

    Mennonite Community Chapel was a storefront church with two big windows in the front flanking double doors with faux stained glass on them. Like most window displays in storefront houses of worship, there was the ubiquitous large wooden cross with a piece of deep purple satin fabric draped over it and to complete the display, at the foot of the cross, there was a really big bible opened to the appropriate page. The other window usually displayed something seasonal or a special event like an out of town speaker. Back in those early days, I remember the sanctuary was full. We had many fine white members that had come over from the mysterious Union Ave. congregation and they were very nice people, from what I remember. There were very few black members at our church and over the years, those black women who came with their husbands, slowly started coming alone and eventually stopped coming at all. I only remember my (foster) father only setting foot in there about three times. He seemed to have a natural aversion to the kindness of these strangers and seemed to cherish each time when they would visit our home and he was on a bender, he loved to cussed them out and preach to them his idea of God and religion. My favorite was when he would want them to read from the bible. Since he only had a third grade education and with a skin full of cheap liquor, he would tell them his version of what the bible said. I have to add that this was only funny when he did it to them not when he dragged me out of bed at 3 a.m. for a reading complete with his brand of fire and brimstone. If only my mother had stood back and looked, understood and listened to all the things that I felt she was and came from, maybe none of the influence they had on her would have never happened.

    Human kind didn’t seem to have a handle on the concept of how early childhood experiences affect the blank slate that is a child’s mind. I have very vivid memories of looking at the white couples and their kids and looking up to them because they were white and seemed to have a lot of things that we didn’t in our homes and neighborhood. Their children always had nicer clothes and their parents had cars. None of the families in my neighborhood had cars and only a couple even had fathers in the home. Many of the white children displayed a certain amount of superiority towards us. While many of the mothers and kids from my neighborhood viewed them with a certain amount of suspicion, I pretty much drank the kool aid every time. Now please understand that there was no one there telling me that these folks were in fact superior to us but there was no one telling me they weren’t. All my teaching at home from my mother told me that these were good people with good intentions and that I should listen to what the say and watch what they do because it is right. And I remember being aware at a very early age that this didn’t seem right like something inside of me was saying that this isn’t who you are supposed to be. But there was nothing that I could do and this was all that I knew and was learning.

    Because my mother was the one the one that was the friendliest and what I call compliant, to their dogma and ways, she was frequently invited by the “people with cars” to events at other churches and even to events and happenings in downstate Illinois for conferences and such. We were invited to people homes and it was all so unfamiliar, the décor, the smells and the stares from their neighbors when my mother and I stepped out of the car. You see, but this time, lots of white were starting to move to the nicer suburbs where there were no blacks save for the ones that were allowed there to perform service work. This was stressful for me as people always stared and the kids asked me stupid questions about me that shouldn’t even been spoken. I took all of this since I was being taught to be compliant and to get along. There were nice Sunday chicken dinners, new foods that I had not tasted and certainly some sweet and fattening traditional dessert. But no matter how nice the dinner and dessert were, it did nothing to circumvent the ever present air condescension in every word and action. And this was just at the dinner table. If there were children there that was a whole new set of humiliating bullshit. I was subjected to being snubbed, touched, my hair repeatedly rubbed because it felt funny, and the questions were relentless. Why is your hair curly was usually how it started, then why is your nose so wide and the ignorance just went down hill from there. I was scared, no terrified, that if I wavered or became openly annoyed with them, I would be in big trouble with my mother let alone the fact that these people would think I was a sinner. The worst part of all of this is that I had no back up, that is to say, in all of these events when I was subjected to questioning in those unfamiliar situations. The mothers in my neighborhood were not interested in allowing themselves or their children becoming curiosities. I think for many of them it was a way of getting the kids out of the house on Sunday morning so that they could sleep in and have some peace especially since some of them had as many as ten children and no man in sight to take up the slack. And lets not forget to mention the fact that if you were a reasonably good kid, attended Sunday School on a fairly regular basis or at best forged through the grinding torturous two weeks of vacation bible school, then you got to participate in the Fresh Air program which consisted of two long weeks with a Mennonite farm family and a shitload of humiliation.

    This Fresh Air program they had created was a way to allow inner city unfortunates like myself to spend two weeks on a farm with a Mennonite family. Now, I can’t tell you what the original idea for this was and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t look forward to it like many of my friends did. It was a way to get out of the city and train rides were epic. Hoards of us were shipped to farms in Iowa, Illinois and Indiana. This consisted of all the intergrated Mennonite churches in Chicago so in the early years there were as many as a few hundred kids being herded to Union Station in Chicago with their shoebox lunches and packed installed in a designated train care with a harried chaperone for the trip to “the farm” as we fondly called it.

    The first year that I became an unsuspecting participant in this folly, I was four years old. I was told that they want to send me away when I was three but my mother felt that I was too young. So at the tender age of four, I was shipped off to a nice farm in West Chester, Iowa, for my first farm experience. The daughter of my Sunday school teacher who was several years older that I was, went to the same farm. There are a few pictures that exist and the memories are just snippets like shadows. For the next six or seven years I went to an older couple in Kalona, Iowa. I think that when I started going there that their youngest daughter was either in high school or college because I remember her being around some. One year when I went their son and his wife were living in a trailer behind the house. This was fascinating to me since I had never seen a mobile home before and wondered how they could get all the stuff like in a house on wheels. I don’t remember the son’s wife but I remember he had kind of a hee haw twangy voice that always sounded on the edge of peril. But for the most part, I spent a lot of time alone since there were no longer children my age in the home.

    This particular couple were grandparents in an age when generally grandparents were of considerable age. To this day I have no idea what the hell their motives for having me come to their home for so many years. I was scared a lot of the time since I was alone and their grandchildren were not the kindest kids I had ever met. One of their married daughters was one of the scarriest women I had met at that point. Just the mention of her name could cause a seismic event. She always seemed abrupt barking orders and snatching arms. She had three children with two boy, one about the same age as me the other a little older and a little sister that was snooty and spoiled, she seemed to be the apple of her mothers’ eye. Now, the boy that was a few years older was a mean little fucker. I remember being told or made to understand that he was an asshole because he had had some childhood malady that caused him to be tired causing him to misbehave…right. This meant when their car rolled up, his brother and I would try and find a shady spot where we could minimize the damage when he came to beat us up. You could say we were a bit scared of him. The mother seemed to always spring to his defense. Sometimes I would just view it as, at least I’m getting pummeled under a beautiful apricot tree instead of in the dirt behind my house in Chicago.

    There was another grandchild that I need to mention since she was one of the key players that began as my sexual awareness. She was a year older than I. Her family didn’t visit the farm as often and when she did come it always felt to me as she would basically rather not play with me but since I was there why not. There was one particular time that I spent the night at her house. I don’t recall much of the evening before but I remember waking up early in the morning on our little pad they made of us on the living room floor. Now after so many years, I have no idea what the lead up to this event was but I remember this part as clear as day. This was the day that I learned to tickle my peter, as she called it. She showed me how to put my hand into my panties and “tickle” myself. I did my version of what I thought she was talking about mainly because I thought she would kick my ass if I didn’t. It didn’t feel right but I did it anyway. Years later when I started reading and trying to understand child molestation, I wondered who or what taught her to tickle her peter.

    There was the year that they tore down the old farm house and lived in a refurbished turkey barn until the new house was ready. That summer their another daughter, who lived some lofty place like Oregon or something, came with her family of two boys close to my age and a new baby. I was fascinated with the baby because it seemed so transparent and frail. And as strange as it was at the time I felt that even the baby already had a better life than I had and even though he was subjected to being picked up coddled and kissed by strangers, they wouldn’t look at him like he was a circus monkey and ask his parents stupid questions. The forming of many false notions about these nice church people began at an early age as well. Many years later when I encountered these kids in high school and college, they had no interest in me at all which caused me a lot of pain since I didn’t understand. They would give me this look like, why are you talking to me. It really made me feel less than zero.

    As if all of this was not enough when I would return to Kalona years later for high school, they decided that it was a good idea to place me in the home of this now really old couple since I was familiar with them. It was nothing short of a disaster. More on that later.

    In the aforementioned Fresh Air program to Iowa, Illinois and Indiana I was not exempt to travel to other destination in the Midwest. Finally getting to courage to say to my mother that I would like to go somewhere else for those two weeks in the summer, the church made arrangements for me to go to a farm in what is referred to as downstate Illinois. And it was horrible. As usual the parents were rather cold but attentive and a tad suspicious. I was to be the colored girl companion for their little girl and their was even a little colored boy companion for their son too. Fraught with the usual questions and curiosities we had to deal with this horrible little boy that had come from one of the other churches since our church didn’t have a boy that met their specifications as a playmate for their son. So it was another fun time of running, hiding and getting beat up by this little creep. The family was not equipped to handle this at all and for the most part kinda let him run free to keep him from harassing the rest of us. Needless to say, I did not go back to that farm ever again. Initially, this made me feel like I had done something wrong but in later years it made me feel like after their curiosity was indulged my services were no longer needed. Of course it could be as simple as they decided they weren’t up to the challenge or wanted to explore other children. I will never know but the damage was already done.

    By the time I started junior a lot of my friends were choosing not to go to church let alone to the farm and be out of the city for two weeks. Their parent(s) were less strict than mine and they were enjoying being children in an age where things were slowing changing blacks in Chicago. They wanted to stay home and just be kids, dance to the new Motown artists, go to Riverview Amusement Park and swim at Dvorak park only a few blocks away. We all loved to swim as this was a safe place for all the kids in the surrounding neighborhoods to go since there was only one beach at the time that the colored were allowed to swim without the threat of arrest or potential violence.

    I had peers, familiars, that I was growing up with kids I went to elementary school with and was around for most of our early childhood had been distancing themselves form me for some time. I was the outcast, the one you beat up, the once you visit on Christmas because my more always gave me lots of really cool presents way better stuff than they got because there were too many kids and not dad around. It was alright to maybe steal or break some of Janice Batts’ toys cause she thinks she’s so much. After a while, my mom wouldn’t let any of the other kids in the house. Basically, I was the get along girl with the get along mom who went to the white church and hell I even talked like white folks. I was popular and got beat up often. Basically these kids were growing into their own in based on their environment good or bad, it was their environment, what they knew and understood, what they were comfortable with and where they fit in. The older they got they had no desire to be a curiosity or to be plucked out of they own comfort zone only to be ogled at. I guess I would have felt this way too but being at home was not the most pleasant place in my life for not only was I an outcast, my foster father was a raging alcoholic, my foster mother was codependent and my foster brother who was 12 years older didn’t have a grip on reality and after graduating from high school at the age of twenty, had to marry his girlfriend so his soon to arrive son would have a name. So now the pressure was really on me to do right with little to no help at all from the adults in my life.

    Many more Hispanics were moving into the surrounding neighborhood and all our lives were evolving in a way that would define us with a sense of belonging to a particular place and culture. Our little storefront church was undergoing changes as well. As I said, a lot of the families were moving to the suburbs they would commute for a polite amount of time but then they would just not show up at all but maybe once or twice a year. The street that the Mennonite Community Chapel was on had started to take a turn from poor families of European decent and bowing to the steady migration of families from Mexico, Puerto Rico and such looking for a better life. We all got along really well as compared to some of the stories from earlier times in other cities and race riots. I guess we figured we were all in the same boat and it was easier to get along and learn from each other. This was in the mid sixties with the was in Vietnam raging and so many American soldiers dying everyday, it was a scary time as well for those of draft age particularly young Mennonite men. And in case you don’t know, Mennonites are conscientious objectors, so, no war. The alternative was to go into voluntary service for the church which for us meant young men and women from the church would come and spend usually two years at our church working with the youth. This was the age of hippies, tree huggers, kum by yah and blowin’ in the fucking wind. Now it seemed the farm had come to us. For the most part many of them were true to the task of trying to make things fun for us. But now we began to feel like part of a college final or the subject of a thesis on the urban condition.

    These young people, those of voluntary service were referred to commonly as VSers. For the most part these were nice kids but many of them were from the same types of families that participated in the Fresh Air program and still had a bit of an attitude about it. And there was at least one or two who were glad they were Mennonites so they didn’t have to run to Canada and treated the experience as sort of a dodge. They came in all shapes and sizes and there were couples as well that came as well sort of like chaperons to the unmarried volunteers. And how could a scenerio like this be complete without at least one or two bitter young women who knew that this was probably going to be the definition of their life since to date they had no prospect of a husband on the horizon so them it seemed to be a good idea to volunteer and exert their frustration on the unwashed masses. We were lucky, we had two bitter women at one time. The elder was our very own. I think she came with the church or possibly in a covered wagon. Her age was ambiguous with her hair pulled back so tight it looked as though she had used a wench. She was complete with the standard A-line dress and matching fabric belt with the expected hanky tucked in it at the side, thick, taupe colored stockings and shoes like the ones Elvira Gultch was wearing when she peddled her bicycle into the tornado. This old gal was sexual frustration at it’s worst and all of us kids had the bruises from her pinches to prove it. And as expected, she was the one put in charge of the kids. The younger version of the femme fatale of juvenile abuse was a bit bitter be yond her years with her own repertoire heathen inspired comebacks and a pinch that would make you want to shit yourself. I’m not sure if the other kids picked up on some of her underlying frustration but it ran deeper than anyone knew. She was found dead in her bedroom in her hometown and from the hushed tones and whispers, it may have been suicide. The older version of the bitter bag had an older sister that died and she married her brother-in-law. I think she was probably close to 65 or 70 at the time. I don’t know if she mellowed out or not after marriage and am a bit scared to even think about it.

    Not meaning to get off of the subject of the evolution of the Fresh Air program rest assured the plot was thickening. Although many of us were in junior high by now many of them were developing stronger personalities while I was just scared to exist. Already a veteran to being molested by the foster uncle for years and the earlier tickling incident, I was about to enter a new realm of predator, the unassuming minister - courtesy of the program. It is important for me to explain that I in no way blame the church for the behavior of one individual when it comes to filthy child molestors and the faux uncle was not a Mennonite, the minister that made it his business over the next two summers to feel my up at will was from the Berean church, which again, should not reflect on that faith. I have no earthly idea as to how I managed to go to them when they weren’t part of their faith but after the first time he touched me, I felt like a kid for hire with no options. I am not implying or suggesting that money changed hands or anything but it just seemed to me that all you had to do was request for an inner city to come to your house for a couple of weeks for redemption and they show up by train or bus.

    The preacher and his wife lived in a quiet little town in Indiana with a really long name that I would rather not mention here. He was the minister of a fairly large congregation and lived with his wife in the parsonage behind the church.

...and I can't fight this feeling anymore...

2010-08-09T21:48:00.000-05:00

The Problem of Billy

As much as I think it should bother me about how I have been feeling lately, well, it does not. I have been feeling really good lately and for no reason to other than I think is contentment. I finally think I got Billy, yeah that's what I'll call him, Billy. It gave me a great deal of pleasure to get Billy out of my life. He is the sort of man that if you let him into your life, it is a major undertaking to get him the hell out. He is a nice enough chap i suppose but he is as dumb as a brick and not shy about letting you know he's an idiot in the onset.

     I never intended to become involved with a guy like Billy in the first place and I had vowed I never would. That's why it was so devastating when I realized that I had fallen into a trap of bullshit and deception. I hate being deceived just as much as the rest of them. This was something all together different. I have told this story many times so it is time to write it down and get it out of my system as much as I can.

     Last year, when I had erroneously decided that I needed to be back in California because I got pissed off and frustrated at a couple of things and thought I was better than this place, I got together with Billy. It was less than a week before I was to get on the train and travel west to San Diego. Just a few boxes remaining that had to be shipped and I was nearing the end of my rope, stressed and tired. I thought it would be nice to get together with some of the guys I used to work with for drinks or something. Well as you would imagine, everyone I called didn't answer and didn't call back, which I was prepared for. It is one thing to pal around with the likes of me at work but it is another to be seen in a bar with a chubby, little, aging black lady with a big mouth. So be it. I waited until last to call Billy as I knew what kind of luck I have and figured he would be the one to answer. My fears were confirmed when he said hello. So thinking I had nothing to loose and I wasn't looking for a relationship or sex for that matter, I took a taxi out to his place for some drinks. This is a good time to back up and explain the type of relationship I had with Billy prior to this.

     Billy and I worked for the same company but not in the same building. He would have to make several trips a day up to our building to bring his product to the store. I noticed that each time I would see him and actually engaged in a conversation, he could be long-winded and the conversation could get a little weird at times. I equated it to the fact that he seemed like an old hippie and the drugs kind of tossed his brains a bit. Which turned out to be closer to the truth than I could deal with. I knew he smoked the cigaweed cause damn near everyone who worked there smoked, drank or abused one mind altering substance or another in order to deal with being a service person in a college town in the mid-west. So I was a little forgiving of his attempt to connect with me when he mentioned Tina Turner's coochie. Besides, it made the guys in the kitchen laugh uncontrollably for about five minutes when I told them what he said on the subject. Other than that, I didn't have any real contact with Billy. Oh, there was more than a few times that I thought it might be nice to go out for a drink after work with him since we were the only co-workers close to the same age. But something kept stopping me. At the time I thought it was because I didn't want to be the aggressor because that is usually what starts things going down the wrong path. Or more to the point, I thought that a guy that friendly would at least make some kind of move if he was single and interested. So logically, I figured he really wasn't interested, was gay or had a hippie chick at home the he was devoted too. He didn't seem shy since he talked to me all the time and even broached the subject of Ike's wife's va-jay-jay. I would later figure out that he was just lazy. I knew he drink a bit since there were several times that I would pass him on the street when he was swinging around the corner coming from The Mill, drunk as hell. Missed that cue too. One late after noon in particular Samantha and I were walking to my apartment and there was Billy swinging around the corner by the bank. We just happened to be on the same side of the street which was unusual. When I said hello to him he began to regale us with his escapades of the afternoon. After I introduced him to my daughter, her proceeded to tell her what a wonderful person and mother I was and how beautiful we both were. I just figured the man was feeling his liquor and having a good time. It did flash through my mind to invite him up to my place so I could talk to him more, but this was one of the last times I would get to spend with my daughter so I let the opportunity pass. Not to mention the fact that he was going on and on which made it difficult to get away.
...to be continued

I'm proud to be me, you're proud to be you...Poppycock!

2010-08-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

I'm proud to be me,
but I also see,
you're just as proud to be you.

We may look at things a bit differently
but lots of good people do.
That's just human nature,
So why should I hate you
for being as human as I.
We'll live and let live,
And we'll get as we give.
And we'll all get along if we try.

I'm proud to be me,
But I also see you're just as proud to be you.
That's true!
You're just as proud to be you.

     What a nice song. Or so I thought. I just realized that this cute little song that I learned when I was about seven or so is actually a girl scout song. I learned it when I was taking ballet lessons at our community center in Chicago so many years ago. Yeah, I took ballet lessons. I woke up with this song in my head as for whatever reason, I have done before on several occasions. I remember when I heard the words for the first time, feeling that there was someone out there that thought that folks should be equal, the same. I thought that it might have been written by on of those hippie people that I heard talk about on television. But I dare not ask my mother about it. Or maybe it was a song like those VS'ers at our church would like to sing. More about them later. So much wonder and bliss came with taking ballet lessons. I was in my element. Away from the kids on my block picking on me, beating me up and/or taking things from me. I was away from home and suspicion from things that I did not do. I was away from the threat of my alcoholic foster father coming home drunk and beating me for no reason. It was a safe and wonderful place and I was was there. It was a place where I could pretend and not get laughed at. A place where I could swirl and dance and no one would tell me to sit down or to go to bed. I could be someone else and no one would stare at me or question me about what I was doing. I could just be me. Isn't that what the song said?
    I will never know how this affected the other girls in my ballet class but it was the world to me. I can't recall for the life of me what transpired in order to get me into the class in the first place. I can only recall bits and pieces of different days and events. For all I know I was younger than seven which would account for the fact that the memories are fuzzy. What I do remember is that my (foster) mother was so proud of me and very supportive of my efforts to be a good ballerina. I looked at it as a time that I could be alone, away from the pressures of being different that I felt on my own block.
     There was going to be a big event, a concert. I was going to do my ballerina dances in front of everyone and there was a rumor that the mayor was going to be there. When I heard that the king of the city was going to be there, I was excited for about a minute until I realized I really didn't know what a mayor was other than he seemed the king of our little fiefdom. My excitement was so wonderful and overwhelming because not only was I going to get to be in front of people dancing around and pretending to be something else, but all of this was going to be with my mothers' permission and no one could tell me otherwise. I was going to do this thing and people were finally going to know that I wasn't weird, that there was something going on inside my head other that words that I used to correct those who spoke bad English and other things I wasn't really supposed to do. I was going to be proud to be me. For once I was going to be able to stand up and be me, just me and people would understand for once that I was like everyone else and not strange.
     Well, the big day was approaching and the more nervous I got. Not only was I going to get to dance with my class but I was going to get to sing a solo. I was going to get to sing My Kinda Town (Chicago is...). Wow, I remember hearing ol' blue eyes sing this song about Chicago and now, they are going to let me sing it to the audience, to the mayor, all by myself. I was going to sing a solo and dance. That will surely show people that I was normal.
    In the coming weeks we rehearsed our dances and I practiced my singing to the music on the phonograph. Janet was our teacher Mrs. Harris' assistant and I guess she was a nice lady. But for the life of me at the time and even now I got the feeling that she didn't care for me as much as she did for the other girls. I cannot remember how many girls there were in my class but I do remember that i was the only little black girl in the bunch. This wasn't a real oddity in itself since the community center was at the end of our street on Halstead. 20th and Halstead as a matter of fact. Right smack in the middle of the "T" where our street, CullertonCullerton. Anyway, back to the story at hand. I would always get this strange vibe from Janet, the assistant, when I would say anything to her or our teacher, Mrs. Harris, who was also black would give her instructions as to what record to put on or what ever was required. But of all the times in rehearsal that she would put the needle on the record where the track was for me to start singing, she never missed it, she never faltered, always dead on the beginning of the track and I would start tapping and singing. On the night of the performance...the record skipped. Not at the beginning as she was putting the needle down but right before the chorus where I was supposed to sing, dance and have a big finish. Her explanation was that she was trying to turn the sound up so that the audience could hear the music as I was dancing. Well needless to say the song ended more quickly than anticipated and so did my hopes of not feeling stupid. My mother was as heartbroken as I was. But the worst was yet to come.
   It seems that someone decided the person that should be responsible for the taking of all concert photos was a man, that from what I gathered, was an uncle or something of one of the ballerinas. He was said to be from Mexico and was supposed to be very good at taking pictures as since he took pictures of his family all the time or something to that nature. He came in and too individual shots of us and from what I gathered took prepayment for the picture he was hired to shoot. Well, what he took was not only pictures but our parents money as well and was said to be back in Mexico about the time that the picture were supposed to be in the hands of our parents never to be heard from again. I don't know what the deal with this guy was. Maybe he had a starving family in Mexico that he needed to feed or something. Maybe he just just a thieving asshole. I guess I will never know. What I do know is that the little ballerina that was his niece disappeared poste haste as did our teacher, the assistant Janet and our ballet program, just gone, with no explanation. Just one day not too long after we found out that our money and pictures were gone I went to the place that we called "social center" for my weekly ballet lesson and was told by the lady at the desk that there would be no more lessons and our teacher was gone.
     I never knew who Lois Harris really was other than our teacher. She was something of an enigma to me and remains so. This was in the sixties and I was just learning that there were negro ballerinas but had no idea that there were negro ballet teachers at all let alone in our area, our little no place in Chicago. She was a small woman as you might imagine a ballet teacher to be. Her skin was light brown and her look was stern as she taught the little girls the steps, positions and pirouettes of the ballet. We were all apt pupils and willing to do whatever she told us. She introduced us to a musical gizmo called an auto harp. She would play this and sing to us as she directed our steps and positions. We obeyed and smiled as we knew that this would make us all stand out and be noticed. This was a world that was ours. The swishing sound that our shoes made on the stage floor as we swooped and swirled back and forth. Our hands afloat like fragile little birds learning to fly. The only candy on our minds were the lolly pops on the tree in the song and anything that was outside of the auditorium was fleeting. This was real and we were learning it.

This has not title...just words

2010-07-27T15:18:00.000-05:00

     I should have started writing this a long time ago and at this point, I don't even know if this will ever be finished. The biggest part of me is a mystery even to myself. I love (loved) a man. From the moment he touched me I knew I could never say goodbye, Daniel, was under my skin. His essence continues to swim in my blood, forces air into my lungs and his taste, remains on my tongue. The nights he visits my dreams are too numerous to count. When the first dreams came, I was trying to fix him, make him better so that I could take him home again and everything would be the same. I wanted the doctors to send him away for some miracle cure or pancreatic transplant that would make him well and free from the ugliness of diabetes. While he was alive, I would have given anything short of my life for him to be free of this unforgiving disease that invaded the life of this beautiful boy, my beautiful boy.
   A sweet boy, my sweet boy with thick raven curls soft as angel's wings, eyes bluer than any ocean could aspire. His eyes sparkled like stars. Not like stars in the skies like described in too many sonnets, love letters and such. But like a newly discovered solar system with all the wonders of new universe - his own. His lips...To open the secret of his lips, I would have to shame myself. It would be better to be left unsaid than to fumble helplessly at its meaning. Something so powerful should remain unsaid, left to the ages. The wonderment that they held lies in the grave with his remains. The true memory and their meaning are tattooed on my psyche never to be bested.
     Diabetes. This word is among the foulest that can be spoken when it has consumed the one you love. There is no fairness to those that are stricken. But to strike a child of seven? What, what the hell is the purpose of that. Where is the fairness. Oh, I think that there is some where, some how, some one that will try and justify it as the will of a just god. I will never buy into that thinking, no way, no how. Is it some kind of messed up karma from a life gone by. A payback for the lives of innocents of a forgone era? What? Save for the errant Atilla or misguided dictator, this should never happen to children or, yes to anyone. Spite from a vengeful god? Perhaps, but for what purpose. Bloody, frickin' do-da luck. Whatever it is, our best and brightest cannot fix it or prevent if from happening to those so young.
   I will never apologize for my selfishness. I was minding my own business when BAM, this man seemed to fall out of the sky and into my life. Well, not quite like that. It really involved and ad and an oil change. Relationships are hard at best and he brought something into the relationship that I had no way to prepare for. Juvenile Onset Diabetes Myelitis. Juvenile, like a delinquent locked in the prison of diabetes.
(this writing is not complete)

Rain is for Wimps

2010-07-24T09:18:00.000-05:00

     It's raining again here in beautiful downtown Iowa City. And yes, I am the wimp that I speak of.
The rain just kills my arthritis and makes everything ache. In such cases, ibuprofen becomes a joke and I have to hit the "real" drugs - prescription drugs that is. It makes it feel better and gives me the illusion that I don't ache so much. But the proof is in the pudding. If I am sitting still, the ol' joints are fine but for the love of Mike when I try to walk it sounds like someone took all the instruments from the London Philharmonic Orchestra and threw them down a flight of stairs. Even navigating around my little apartment is like trying to climb K2. I turn, but everything below my ass takes its time and I look like a total drunk. On days like this I feel like it's cloudy with a chance of collision.
     Well, that's all for now. I plan to have a quiet weekend and staying in the apartment since every time I've stepped out in the last few days, I have gotten a headache.
     Oh, yeah, speaking of which...I went down to see Samantha and Thom on Thursday - well I confess I went to play with their little kitty Tux. He is sooooooo cute! Okay, so where they live is surround come by lots of trees which set off an allergic reaction for me. My eyes swelled up, itched like crazy and turned blood red. I finally decided I needed to come home only to step outside and get hit by the sun...BAM, instant headache. When I passed the bank and saw that the temperature was 91 degrees, I knew that some bed rest was emanate. Man, I got home and got off my shirt and bra. All I could do at this point was to collapse on the bed and sleep for a couple of hours. I still had the halo of the headache all evening but the next day brought a better noggin. So today...the momma ain't settin' foot outside if I can help it. Cheers!

This is here for safe keeping...

2010-07-23T08:16:00.002-05:00

this is such a wonderful idea. i started keeping a diary when i was in high school and one of my roommates read it. she confronted me about what i wrote and asked why i was so depressed and felt so low about myself. there was no way i could explain my feelings to her of course. i felt violated all over again. because of that i never written my feelings down in one place. my "diary" is on lots of pieces of paper, on a blog, on my hard drive...you get the picture.

I coulda been a comedian: I coulda been somebody...

2010-07-21T09:44:00.000-05:00

The high school, mystery man that I've been so speaking of these last couple of times said something else that has been rolling around in my little pointed head. After telling him things about my childhood and home life since then, he made a comment about how I am probably a good artist or it suited me or something to that effect since I've had a troubled life. I told him I thought I would have been a great comedian too.

Class

2010-07-20T15:38:00.000-05:00

Jamie just posed an interesting question:

WTF is "middle class"? I don't know if I've EVER been "middle class". I wish somebody would fight for the REALLY little guys. I feel like I have no class of my own.

to which I replied:

oh baby, we have a class. the middle and upper classes just won't let us into their school.

This is my blog and I'll bitch if I want to!

2010-07-20T12:46:00.000-05:00

I'm okay, but it was hard to getting over the feeling to punch this guy dead in the face. now mind you, i am not prone to violence nor have i ever punched someone in the face. but you would think after thirty seven years he would get how much he hurt me when we were 16. i know it was a long time ago, but what happened to me affected my entire life and how i view relationships, and at the time, led me to marry the "village idiot" - since i thought no one else would ask. all based on several incidents similar to this one. but this was the pinnacle of racism levied by a young mans' father. he, not the one i married, went on with his life, a really good life with wife, kids, career. me? cluster!@&^. he don't get it. then he breezes into town with said perfect wife and wants to talk. cool, i can do that. it would give us a chance to clear the air fro good. what does he do? he brings his wife! he met her years after the incident and she had nothing to do with it. it thought it was so inappropriate for he to be there. she was polite (curt), had nothing to add to the discussion. the boredom, frustration and annoyance showed on her face. i unwitting tried to put myself in her place, hell, in both of their places. and i did decide that if the roles were reversed, as the wife, i would have stayed the hell home and let the two people involved work it out. And if i were him, i would have insisted that she stay home since there was no threat of impropriety there
she seems like a nice person. i don't know and i don't care. yeah, really, i don't care - there is nothing there. but him...i really want to know what he was thinking by having her there. I felt like he should have manned up and faced me on his own. but its over now and i never have to see him again. and i will run a flag up the pole when his father passes into the great beyond for racist bastards.
all in all yesterdays meeting was ~~a waste of time for me~~ only good for a few superficial things. he commented that he was not a sixteen year old boy any more. i said that i wasn't a sixteen year old girl any more either. that's when the gloves should have come off and i think they would have for me if ol' girl wasn't sitting there with us.
well, just another lesson learned about things that affect me and my life usually means nothing to someone else. I have learned from that experience thirty-seven years ago to make every effort not to be careless with the feelings of others. i also learned that well meaning people (insert Mennonite here) have agendas that are not as well thought out as they should be. the kindness of strangers many times should come with a warning label and disclaimers.

Too many Yoders

2010-07-20T11:35:00.000-05:00

I saw more Yoders in the last three days than I've seen in years - barring my own grandchildren. There was Darrell Yoder and his wife, Sylvia, Jane Widmer Yoder and her husband Frank. And the Yoder I meant to meet was actually Rachel Yoder.
All of this made revisiting my (Mennonite) past even more interesting. Talking to Darrell made a very painful part of my past come full circle. I didn't get to resolve all the issues therein, but enough so that I can go on with the things that I have to do to make all of this make a little more sense. More on all of that later.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

2010-07-15T10:03:00.002-05:00

All I want to do is get into the the communication age. I mean I just want to be able to post pictures from Flickr to here so that I can show some of my work on more than one site. It is like trying to read yiddish when you are reading instructions or non-instructions like on facebook. And this badges thing sounds really cool when you read it. But try and do it? Not so easy. I get so frustrated with all of this especially when I look on other folks' pages and see that they have mastered it. Why does this have to be so hard?

Jest In Time: STILL

2010-01-11T10:43:00.000-06:00

Jest In Time: STILL

Yikes & deja vu

2010-01-11T10:24:00.000-06:00

Well, here I am back where I started. Welcome to Iowa City, center of the universe. It seems no matter what I do or where I go I am pulled back to this place. I have learned through this journey that there are worse places to live that here. My children are here and there is nothing better in the world than to see my daughters on a regular basis and my grandchildren growing up. I have made lost of mistakes and hurt some people in the process. I have lost a lot. I found out the hard way that there are still too many people out the who, under the guise of religion, are some of the most dishonest people on the planet. I learned that I don't have to agree with everyone and at the end of the day the only one that matters is myself for the simple reason that I have to live with me no matter where I go.
I learned that even though you've known someone for thirty plus years and the are the same greedy, rude, and self-centered as they were when you met them...they aren't going to change because they don't think they need to...just walk (or) drive away, don't look back and have no regrets.
I am learning that no matter how much time has past (so far), grief can be just as intense as it was the very first day and there may not be an end. No relationship can patch it up and as much as one may think that past hurts are in the past, the stench of them can resurface at any time.
There were many times that I thought it would be wonderful if a man from the past would actually say he was sorry and that you are actually a really nice person. But when it finally happened, it didn't feel like I thought it would. It seems for me that too much time has past with that embedded in my psyche and has caused too many sores that may never heal since the beliefs that the insults created just bleed into another bad decision or relationship. So to say you're sorry now is good for the person saying it but not so much for the receiver.

Coming Home

2009-10-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

I recently learned a lot about what being at home and family. California is a nice place to visit but I can no longer live there.