The Mommy Dance

Hey, I put some new shoes on, And suddenly everything is right

2011-08-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well I've had a trepiditious couple of weeks. I had a worrisome lump develop on the back of my neck, which my advanced degree in Googling indicated was either a) muscular or b) lymph nodes AKA: infection. This resulted in a good for nothing migraine and some pretty mean back pain that lasted pretty much the whole of a workweek. I was able to have a physical therapist buddy work on my neck, which he thought was muscular and looking back, I think it was both. He said there was a really big knot in my neck, which kept him from being able to fully do some of the stretches. In session one, I did experience traction for the first time and since back and neck pain can stem from the shoulder, I experienced having my shoulder actually popped out of the socket. It wasn't the shoulder and that didn't exactly hurt persay, but that was a feeling like none other. Anyway, the therapy helped to a degree, but then the migraine took over and I turned to Excedrin Migraine, which unlike Aleve, Tylenol, or Motrin, actually relieved my upper to mid back pain. It also took the edge off the migraine. And then I got a cold (more lymph nodes kicked into action--see: got inflamed and painful). I'm still getting over my cold.

In other words: I didn't workout. I got in some calorie burn informally with cleaning and running around with Little, but the stationary bike seat is colder than a glacier in Alaska. I ate enough (though my water intake suffered big time with the migraine and then when nothing tasted good), even more than I was supposed to, but here's the thing--my body is in gear it seems so I pulled out a good weight loss. Since I last checked in on the 15th, I've lost 3.2 pounds. This means, dear Internet friends, I have 1.8 pounds to go until GOAL.

I have lost 72.2 pounds.

That deserves its own line.

I realized on my walk into work this morning that when I was about 37 or so weeks pregnant, was retaining water like crazy and suddenly had my blood pressure spike and white spots in my vision and got sent to L&D to get checked out, I weighed more than 100 pounds more than I do right now. Sure, I was retaining water and had an almost 8 1/2 pound baby on the way, but still. I saw the number. I was embarrassed of the number because it meant I had started off at a very unhealthy weight. I was ashamed that I hadn't given myself and the peanut the healthiest start possible. Fortunately, everything turned out. Little's healthy, though she spiked a fever and now seems to have another bug (and is probably snuggling with her Daddy at home) today.

I will never see anything close to that number again. I know that. I also know that should I birth another baby (our hearts are pulling us toward adoptions if we have any more kids), I'll be much healthier to start, which would hopefully mean less issues with swelling and so forth. If I don't, I'm so much healthier now. I'm about 50 pounds lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight for starters. So even if I got pregnant, I wouldn't let myself even touch my pre-pregnancy weight.

Also, my feet and legs will never look like this again -->>

Bottom line, that was a nice feeling of accomplishment--the contrast of sitting in L&D being asked my weight by the nurse in front of Hubs, who I made turn away whenever I got weighed to now, when I announce my weight, inches lost, and current size loudly and proudly.

Something else has changed, too. Or rather, things that have never happened before are happening. Like being called skinny, several times in one day. That. is. weird. And I turn into a bit of a blubbering idiot when I receive a compliment.

Inevitably when praised for my weight loss, I get hit with the question: "What are you doing?"

My response is typically that I started off doing Weight Watchers and then switched over to just tracking calories online and I can see the enthusiasm drain out of the asker's face like the fish listening to Marlin trying to tell a joke. Apparently, my method is boring and not what people want to be told. It's all about the quick fixes and fad diets nowadays for dramatic results fast. Most (not all) would prefer I tell them that I eat nothing but dehydrated tofu and acai berry bars, inject myself with pregnancy hormones, and hang upside down for an hour each night.

Nope, my method is simple math. It's slower. It's controlled. It's a lifestyle change. I wouldn't have done it any other way. Sure, it would have been nice for the weight loss to be faster, but there's a learning process and it takes time for the knowledge and willpower to stick. I think I appreciate each pound because I earned it. I didn't do anything unhealthy to lose any of them. I can only speak for myself, but I think if I had lost the weight too fast, my attitude and mindset wouldn't have had as much time to adjust.

I do notice that people who have complimented me on my weight loss pay attention to what I'm eating. I eat well. The food I bring to work gets a lot of envious sniffs. I don't starve myself. I eat more than I did before, but I learned what to eat. I learned to love tomatoes and zucchini and mushrooms--first on WW because they were 0 points and even converted to MFP, they're low calories, but they help fill me up. I learned to get my fiber because it keeps me full and gives me a boost. There's nothing I can't eat, I just have to be smart about it. I don't believe in depriving myself. If I want queso, I have my queso, but I make a conscious decision...and informed. I know what I'm eating so I have the option to compensate somewhere else, but I very rarely experience that "Feed. Me. NOW." feeling unless I haven't eaten as often as I should. It's difficult to get hungry when you're drinking enough water and you're eating every 3-4 hours. Plus I can eat more of the healthier stuff. You should see some of the mountainous plates of food I make for dinner sometimes.

Let's say I decide to go for broke and go for my old beige standby at Cracker Barrel--chicken fried chicken with white country gravy, two helpings of the hashbrown casserole and mashed potatoes, also with white country gravy. (Ugh.) Krys before would have done that, felt tremendously guilty, would have given up on food choices for days after (because what difference did it make if I already screwed myself over?), and maybe a weight loss program altogether. Me now? I make the decision, I enjoy every. single. bite. without guilt. I know that 3,500 calories (extra when daily activity is considered--though with that entree, activity is on par with a hibernating bear) equals a pound. Just being sedentary, I know my body burns roughly 2,000 just functioning. I know the fat and sodium is outrageous so I would expect to retain fluid. I'd need to compensate with a lot of extra water. I'd expect my body to freak out a bit and for me to gain temporarily. BUT I'm not going to followup my carb-rich dining at Cracker Barrel with Chick-fil-a and In 'n Out Burger and Burger King and pizza and whatever else I can stuff in my face.

Another thing? I'm not going to punish myself either. If I want to eat something, I'm going to have it, savor it, and have fond memories of it. I'm not going to still be torturing myself about it a week later. So if you see me having a relationship with my huge juicy cheeseburger and cheese fries or a savory looking New England Clam Chowder bread bowl, don't start planning an intervention. Just try not to take the extended pauses in conversation personally or get embarrassed by the spontaneous and frequent "mmmm" sounds and pass me a napkin. As far as the calories and repercussions? "Shhh, not while I'm eating..."

Ah and the new shoes title? Three new pairs of shoes got added to my fashion repertoire and I'm actually really excited. About shoes.

Who am I?

Edit--make that 4. These little babies will be waiting for me when I get home on Wednesday. Perfect for running the dusty trails around here.

I feel the need. The need for speed.

2011-08-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

I hate stationary bikes. Like seriously hate them. Thus why I have to force myself to get on it in the first place and I stare at the clock counting down until I can get my numb, tingling butt off that seat. I think I'm a runner--an outdoor, wind in my face kind of runner. I like to feel like I'm making progress and moving somewhere. I'd make a horrible hamster.

Before summer took over, I was working on lengthening my running spurts and improving my endurance. During lunches, I'd lace up my sneakers and take off. I had time to think, pound the pavement and gravel, and find some clarity. That's not a possibility right now and since I have other priorities before work (see: getting Little ready to go and brewing a homemade Frappe and occasionally being a cleaning whirlwind) and at night (see: getting Little ready for bed, making dinner, catching up on home organization stuff, admittedly pinning up a storm on Pinterest, and lounging on the couch with the Hubs eating Smart Pop butter popcorn) so running has taken a back seat and I have made an effort to substitute biking. While the Hubs puts Little to bed, I'll sneak it in, or while we catch up on the DVR shows. Sure, it feels good. Afterwards. During, I hate every. stinkin'. second.

Probably why I'm logging maybe 2 bike rides a week at best for the past month. I'd rather clean for twice as long than bike.

I need to run. Despite the heat, I need to run.

Perhaps I'll recruit our Husky mix, Budaj, to join me on a night run. Or more accurately, a huffing, puffing, wheezing training session. It'd be slightly cooler outside, but there would be shadows and I always have the abnormal fear that someone might jump out from a shadow. Thus why I'd bring the street-wise Budaj. I'd be intimidated by him if I didn't know him. He loves his Momma. I'd take Gracie, but our individual fears might collaborate and make a super-fear. Though Gracie has a track record of protecting me. Once when we were on a long walk when she was just over a year old, I spontaneously started to jog. I wasn't paying attention to the sidewalk, which had been torn up by construction (though I'm skillful at tripping without such an obstacle). I tripped, flipped heels over head, totally messed up my knee. There was blood gushing and I had about a mile and a half to go. It started to downpour once we got moving again, by the way. In the process of tripping, I dropped the leash. Now, pertinent to know is that Gracie is a scaredy dog and at that time, was an escape artist. There wasn't a collar, leash, or harness she couldn't slip herself out of. My mind immediately jumped to her running into the busy street (there was no buffer between the sidewalk and the street) and getting hit by a car. I desperately tried to grab hold of the leash again. But Gracie didn't run. Instead, her heroine doggie instincts kicked in and before I knew it, she was standing between the street and me, legs rigid and chest out, protecting me.

This is why I'm so attached to Gracie and why I trust her so much with Little. She looks at her the same way she looks at me. Like she'd throw herself in front of a car to protect us.

Anyway. Now that I have the desire to run home and hug my giant dog, I'll move along. (I'll just order her something special online.)

I do think I will start some sort of running regimen to build up to longer distances again. Even though it's hot. I'll build up slowly, but at least I'd be doing something and something I enjoy. Plus, a quote on Pinterest set on a photo of someone running in the desert got to me: "There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people." Ouch. I won't repin or repost, but this photo is inspiring:

All that said, I had a good week after the mystery of a gain last week. :eyebrow raise:

Technically, I lost 3.2 pounds this week, but there were some extenuating circumstances so the true number is a bit lower. Fun fact for you--my precise weight this morning is my fake driver's license weight from years ago. (Why do they even ask this when people are most certainly going to fudge it?) My current faked driver's license weight is 5 pounds more than I weigh right now. That's pretty cool, isn't it? I will most certainly make a point of getting a new photo and correcting my weight on my driver's license at some point.

I have exactly 5 pounds to go. My weight chart thus far--slow & steady?

It was a good week mentally since my body started cooperating again. I also cleaned out my side of the closet. I removed clothes that don't fit. Yeah, not a whole lot left, but it's much easier to sort through in the morning! I divied everything up into piles for donation, to sell on eBay, to throw out, and to use for sewing projects. Did I mention I'm getting a sewing machine? I'm turning into a DIYer and I have soo many projects I want to do that require the ability to sew. Sooo, my practice sessions will involve making pillows and maybe simple dresses for Little out of the shirts that don't fit (if I like the fabric). So there will be life on this blog beyond weight loss soon. I'll hopefully have some excellent projects to share.

I also got my order of tall pants from Old Navy & Banana Republic. Um, I'm in a size I never thought I'd wear. When I tried on too-short pants in store, I tried on a size bigger than what I'm wearing and my immediate thought when they were loose on me was "Wow, designers are making their sizes bigger." Ha. Brain, could you please keep up?
So things are going well. Probably not likely to meet my goal by the end of this month, but we'll see what happens. I'll be there by my 29th birthday (uh, surreal, but I'm totally okay with it) and that's a really great accomplishment.

Oh and my bathing suit that I just bought 3 months ago is saggy. Um hmm. Saggy tushy, saggy around the middle. Yuuuuuup.

What a difference. In my clothes, my closet, my attitude. "Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now."

Oh and because he's awesome and I'm so, so proud of him--the Hubs? Almost 43 pounds lost.

It's hard to look cool on a Segway.

2011-08-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah, didn't pull it off last night when the Hubs and I zipped around a resort and shopping complex on a Segway Tour (a b-day present from last year that was about to expire). In fact, I almost ate pavement when I tried to be a daredevil speed demon. I didn't, but I did fly off the side and land on two feet. I'm like a puma that way.

:snort:

Not.

(In the course of the weekend, I managed to slam my index finger in the car door, burn my pinky finger, slam my toes in a door, and have a mystery bruise appear on both legs.)

Anyway, despite this near-catastrophe, this wasn't our first go-around on a Segway. Before our Honeymoon cruise, we did a day at Disneyworld and did a tour of Epcot before the park opened. Then when I was about 15 weeks pregnant, we went to Disneyland for my birthday and did a tour of California Adventure. In other words, we are at ease on this nifty mode of transportation.

When the Hubs forwarded me the camera phone photos, I noticed something.

For a couple of goofballs wearing helmets, we. are. looking. good.

Comparing to Sept. 2009...

(The Shorty on the left is BFF Sherry.)

I'm about 55-60 lbs lighter from there. The Hubs? Almost 40 lbs lighter.

That's right, I haven't mentioned the Weight Loss Ninja. 2 months or so in and he's down a current Little and a half. So proud. So proud and perhaps a small percentage jealous, hehe

Anyways, had an off week--I didn't fall off the wagon, but my body simply isn't cooperating. But I'm continuing on, charging ahead. Usually a bad week is followed by a good week :knock on wood: so hopefully a more extensive McFatty Monday post next week.

Green light, red light

2011-08-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes weight loss feels like one long game of "Red Light, Green Light." Last week, it was red light practically all week and then green light right before my Monday morning weigh-in. This week's the opposite. My weight loss was cruising right along and then came to a screeching halt over the weekend. Oh well. It was still a pretty good week with about 1 1/2 pounds lost, though it had been up to as much as 2 pounds. If I'm being honest, I didn't completely apply myself when it came to working out. I fell into the hole of "not feeling like it" and "oh I'm so tired." That said, I did pull something in my hip joint dancing around and being goofy with the dogs and still pushed through a fairly intense biking session while watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. (The hip's fine, but that. did. not. feel good.) It helped to remember that I'm hiking with Chris Powell (cool huh?) in a couple of weeks and I'd like to be able to say I've lost over 70 pounds at that point. Plus, as I mentioned last week, I'm in the homestretch. This is. not. the time to slack off. I kind of feel like I did because I could have done so much more than I did and I'm disappointed that I didn't, but I can't change that. I can do better this week and ensure that I meet my original goal by the end of this month. I'd like to hit it before then, but my body's being a little unpredictable.

I saw something this week that said weight loss is 80% food, 20% working out. You can lose weight without working out, but most are happier with the result if they do. I've been focused on keeping my nutrition in line--making sure I don't eat too much of any one thing--I'll eat basically any vegetable you put in front of me, but I just don't like fruit. Over the weekend, I made french toast and gave myself a serving size of strawberries. I had to force them down and most of the time I masked them behind a piece of french toast. I still didn't like them. (Yeah, I know. Who doesn't like strawberries?) I don't know what it is, but I don't like the sweetness or the texture. But I know I need to eat fruit. Soooo, I think I need to find a recipe for a strawberry daiquiri-type beverage, because that I don't mind. I suppose I could get another big container of natural, unsweetened applesauce and have a serving or two per day.

I'm sure having a couple of regular detox baths each week will help me along the way, too. Basically:

Epsom Salts + Baking Soda + Very Warm Water= My choice of detox soak. You start to feel like you're sitting in a steam room, it's exhausting (best idea to do right before bed), but it has so many benefits, including helping to break up fat, getting rid of toxins (duh), gets rid of excess water, etc. Plus I get 20 minutes of uninterrupted reading. It's how I've managed to read Heat Wave and get into The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.

Now that I think about it, I've lost 68 pounds. I'm doing something right. Maybe I need to look at each week's results, not with a magnifying glass of what I didn't do well, but appreciate what I did do well.

Oh and I'm going to start buying my new clothes :) It's time.

6 pounds to go. I suppose I could go sit outside in the steamy 105 degrees and sweat it off though, right?

P.S. Green light!

The one where I sound like I'm on the verge of a Stuart Smalley affirmation...

2011-07-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

So. I have a big 5 weeks ahead.

It's the home stretch.

This week wasn't looking terribly promising, but it turned around and I ended up with almost a 2 pound loss. This puts me 7.8 pounds away from goal.

I had to take a moment this morning to really process how far I've come. I looked back at my first McFatty posts and how I set these milestones--pre-pregnancy weight, wedding weight, "psychological happy dance" (a # on the scale that seemed unattainable), weight I was when I met Hubs, high school weight...

I've hit all of those milestones. I'm a little over 2 pounds below high school senior weight, when I looked like this:

I've been through a lot since that picture was taken, including having Little and now I weigh less than I did then when I was shorter than I am now.

I've lost over 66 pounds. I'm so proud of that. I'm not proud that I was at my original starting weight, but I'm proud that I did something about it. That I chose to change my life. I'm proud that I didn't give up when I felt challenged. I'm proud to have continued to make choices that help me along and that improve my health and my life, including giving up soda on March 31. (Yes, it's marked on my calendar.) I'm proud that I feel healthier and more fit. I'm proud of the fact that I feel good in my own skin, despite imperfections, for the first time in my life. I'm proud to be so close to finishing what I set out to do. I'm proud that I have set goals beyond that.

You know what? I'm pretty gosh darn proud of myself.

I was reading BA's post this morning and I think everyone who's losing a significant amount of weight has these thoughts. When is it going to be good enough? When am I going to look at myself and say, I'm happy with my body?

My answer? I don't know. Right now, I'm to the point of beginning to like my body. I don't shy as much from my reflection. If I stayed this weight for the rest of my life, I'd be content with that. Here's the thing though--I know I can push my body. I don't mean to be a rail. I mean, to really be fit. Athletic even. I know it's capable of running a 5K, 10K, and beyond. I know it can overcome obstacles I never thought I could.

But to do all that, it needs more conditioning. So it's not about getting as thin as I possibly can. I would rather weigh a little more and have muscle and tone than be rail-thin and flabby. Not body-builder muscle, but muscle.

I don't know how to really gauge when enough's enough. If I had to be honest, on only the weight issue, I'd say that now's enough for me. I'm well into "healthy" now. Getting to goal would be extra cushion, so to speak.

Once I hit goal, it's the fitness challenge part. For that, I have some goals in mind. My focus won't be on weight loss.

I guess that's a big thing to say--right now, at this moment, I'm good enough for me. I'm so much more confident than I've ever been. It's not just in feeling confident in my own skin, it's a sense of confidence in myself, in who I am, in what I say.

It's a good place to be.

Non-scale victories

2011-07-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Some unsolicited advice for those at the start of their weight loss journey? Take photos. I know it's not fun, but you will be so grateful for that when you're further along and can see the changes for yourself. Take some in your skivies, too (but probably not a good idea to post those), to really see the difference in some of those problem areas. I say this because I wish I had taken more photos and more measurements to start off. It's really difficult to see the difference when you're in the middle and the changes are happening slowly. But they're happening. Photos help to remind you of that.

Another thing is to take measurements. Measure your natural waist, your hips, your upper thigh, your calf, your ankles, your wrists, your upper arm, your bust.

There's a thing on MFP called NSV. It took me a little Googling to figure out what that stood for. It's "Non-Scale Victories"--looking at photos and seeing a difference qualifies, as does continuing to lose inches. Basically, any extra motivation and encouragement you can get is a huge help during the weeks when the scale isn't exactly cooperating.

I'm sort of in that place where my weight's not moving all that much. It fluctuated up 1-2 pounds throughout the week and settled back to just about where it was last week. I'm not complaining too much. I've lost just over 64 pounds. I'm below the weight I was when I was 16-17 years old. I'm about 10 pounds from my original ultimate goal weight (soon to be a stepping stone for my new ultimate goals). I see a big difference from my before pictures. I'm sort of waiting to reveal the true before/after once I hit goal, but it's hard to believe. We'll check in with my virtual model though. She's dressed more appropriately for summer and she's at the beach apparently. Lucky. haha

Before--64 pounds ago

Current

So another NSV is noticing that the loose skin on my upper thighs--you know, that pesky problem area where the skin rubs together?--is shrinking up and there's actually a gap starting there. I'm having some loose skin issues in general, which is kind of annoying in that it conceals some of the progress I've made, but I'll take it over the option of having it filled out again. I think it'll just take time for my skin to catch up and I might always have some of it, but it is what it is.

Oh and my work clothes are getting seriously limited. The pair of pants I actually liked was getting to a frumpy level of bagginess and Friday, they actually started to fall down as I walked. I might need to invest in some pantyhose or tights :pant: and switch to skirts for awhile until I invest in my goal weight wardrobe. The only reason other pants are still managing to stay up is due to a spandex shapewear lining that I don't think qualifies as shapewear anymore. It's great that things aren't fitting (for the right reasons), but it's just an awkward phase right now. Yes, I'm too cheap to get some in-between clothes for the next month or so :)

Anyway, I did a lot better fitting in pilates last week and I want to get at least 3 sessions on the bike this week, even if my legs hate me for it. I'm like 0 for 10 with planning to get in some weight training, but I'm going to make it a goal to do at least one session this week. Attainable goals are key I guess.

Anyways, that'll do it. Not a whole lot to report. Just truckin' along. On to the next week!

Marchin' on...

2011-07-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

Not a whole lot to say this week--I lost between 1/2 and 1 pound, but there are some contributing factors that are keeping me stuck and even slipping a little bit these past 2-3 days. (TOM for one thing.) Otherwise, I have my head in the game food-wise. It's strange how my relationship with food has changed. I still have my food weaknesses, evident by the fact that I can put away a bag of popcorn on my own (though I still prefer my air popcorn--RIP nostalgic mini air popcorn popper), but it's usually pretty controlled. I can have a hamburger, pizza--nothing is really off-limits, but it's just modifications and moderation. I still can get the feeding frenzy reaction like a shark picking up on the smell of chum, but if I focus on the food, enjoy every bite, and pay attention to when I'm actually getting full, I find I don't over-do it, thus avoiding that really uncomfortable ate-too-much-and-now-I-can't-move feeling.

I did unload a few pairs of jeans and a work pantsuit (which I never got to wear because I went through the size too fast) that drown me these days on eBay. This added a good amount to my new wardrobe savings. It occurred to me yesterday that I could start buying certain goal weight clothes--shirts probably would be okay, but I hesitate a little. I don't know why. It's surreal to be this close to goal. I know I have a way to go to tone up and really get the body I want, but I'm so close to goal. Maybe I want to do a big elaborate shopping spree when I hit goal, rather than slowly have the new clothes trickle in. This isn't really like me, but I guess I've earned an indulgence like that. To go into stores and have a big budget to work with (of course the bargain shopper in me will want to get as much as I can for that amount, but I'll be looking for quality clothes too) would be a great reality check of the progress I've made. Aside from replacing my sports bras, I haven't spent much time at all in a dressing room during this whole process. I'd kind of like to be shopping from my new size reality rather than it still being snug or not fitting at all yet. I don't want to be buying clothes that don't fit yet. I've done that before and it's not a good feeling.

Anyway, enough of that. I'm less than a pound from high school weight. Heck yes.

Need to step up the cardio and strength training this week. I don't think I got on the stationary bike at all last week when I've been doing at least 3, though I did two days of pilates (2 DVDs worth each). I need to motivate myself to push harder. I can talk myself into sitting on the couch and relaxing since I'm so tired most days, but this isn't the time in the game to back down.

There's so many wars we fought,

There's so many things we're not,

But with what we have,

I promise you that,

We're marching on,

(We're marching on)

(We're marching on).

--OneRepublic "Marchin' On"

Some "pinned" quotes

2011-07-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

Remember, behind every crappy weigh-in week, there's...

2011-07-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

(hopefully) a week like this week.

Last week, I felt discouraged, among other things. I splurged on our Disneyland trip, but I thought it was an injustice that I'm good 97% of the time and when I decided to indulge a bit, whilst still staying within my daily allotment of calories given all the walking we did, that I pack on pounds. Water weight due to high sodium food for 3 days, but that wasn't much of a comfort.

So this week, I was a machine, drinking kanteen after kanteen of water, seriously watching my sodium intake. My sources (ranging from eHow to Mayo Clinic) tell me that low-sodium diets are 1500mg and below. For women under 50 I think, max is 2300mg--health conditions, age, race, etc. play a role so check for your own personal circumstances. Most Americans get at least 3700mg per day. If you start to really pay attention to sodium and not just calories, you'll notice how high it is in most food. The rule of thumb is that the less something looks like its natural form, the more processed it is. Processed=sodium. Now you do need sodium in your diet. I believe it's under 1000 for normal body functioning. Anyway, I changed my MyFitnessPal to have a max of 2100 because I read that was a better number to shoot for. I tried to keep my sodium closer to 1500 as much as possible.

The result? Well, Disneyland resulted in a 6+ pound gain. Now you see why I was frustrated. I was seeing numbers on the scale I swore I wouldn't see again. The effort I put in this week with water intake, lower sodium and exercise paid off with a loss of...

:drum roll:

9.6 POUNDS.

Now. I know the 6 pound gain was bogus and I know I would have actually lost weight Disney week so in 2 weeks, it's essentially 3.6 pounds lost, which I'm totally beyond thrilled about. I just want to keep rolling with this because this means, Internet friends, that I am 11.4 pounds away from GOAL.

Seriously, I could die. 11 pounds. 11. I can so do that.

Channeling BL Hannah there--so be sure to read it with a southern accent.

It's surreal thinking of that number I started with: 74. I decided on it, I cringed that I had so far to go, I posted it for the world to see, and I got to work. Honestly, the first 5-6 months, I didn't fully commit. I didn't exercise. I didn't put the effort in that I was capable of putting in. But I kept with it. That's what matters. Those rocky first few steps led me down the path I'm on now. 63 pounds lost. 6-3. SIXTY-three pounds. Not bad when I started off feeling like there was a good chance I'd give up partway through. That I wouldn't see it through. I related so much to Olivia on Biggest Loser when she said she was a great starter, but she never finished anything. Well she did and I am.

I'm to a point right now that I'm facing fears, shining a light on the things that have held me back. I'm not letting things have power over me and keep me from truly living and robbing me of happiness. It's a continuous process to break out a way of thinking, but I'm doing it.

The *asterick to yesterday's McFatty post

2011-06-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

In the context of the post and my mood yesterday, by "fat," I meant:

sluggish, heavy, weighed down, lethargic, discouraged, like I did at my heaviest...

like crap, basically.

It doesn't mean that I think I'm fat. For the record.

I know a few pounds is a drop in the bucket compared to the amount I've lost up to this point, but it's incredibly frustrating regardless of the reason for the weight gain. In my case, it's probably water retention due to an extremely high sodium diet for the few days we were at Disneyland. I'm mad that I can do everything right for so long, make progress, I give myself leniency for a few days, while still getting 12 hours of walking in per day, and I pack on pounds. It doesn't seem fair.

BUT I'm not a victim, I know what I need to do so I'm doing it. Hopefully it makes a big impact this week.

I just want to reach goal already. I'm doing this the right way, but sometimes (and I've said this before), I just want to say: "Are we there yet?"

This is my McFatty post.

2011-06-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

I feel fat.

The scale kind of agrees.

Back on track this week.

That is all.

One Word Wednesday

2011-06-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

Mischief.

Der. That's what child locks are for.

2011-06-22T10:33:00.000-07:00

I got "Jack" the Explorer a couple of months ago. It didn't really occur to me to activate the child locks on the windows since Little couldn't reach. A couple weeks ago, the Hubs mentioned putting them on because Little loves to rest her foot up on the door. Suggestion noted, but of course, it slipped my mind.

Until yesterday.

I had just done the "Little exchange" and was pulling out of the parking lot. The a/c had been cranking for several minutes, but I started to question if it was working because it suddenly felt really warm. I usually shut down the center air vents in the front to blast the rear air more so I turned around to feel the airflow from the back vents. Cold, but I noticed the rest of the back seat felt even warmer than the front. Then I saw it.

Little had used her feet to stomp on the window control and had rolled it all the way down.

Mind you, I have window shades on both rear windows and it was also lodged deep inside the door, thus preventing the window controls from working. Since we were already on the road and there wasn't a great place to pull off safely(and it's less than 10 mins home), we road with the a/c blasting and the rear window down. Not exactly energy-efficient, but Little enjoyed the breeze...for awhile. Then, when we were almost home, stuck at a stoplight, I snapped this photo of my less than amused little girl.

The car was reading 107 degrees for the outside temp.

Mommy FAIL. Well, Little was fine. She laughed at me while I tugged and bargained with the up/down window switch, but I managed to dislodge the window shade and the window seems to be working okay. Child locks are engaged and we will not have a repeat of this incident.

When "big" is actually small.

2011-06-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have a small frame.

This is according to the wrist measurement method and the finger wrapping method.

This discovery came after my bestie Sherry asked about figuring out her frame size. I decided to find my frame size as well. I've talked about how being tall has always made me feel big. Huge actually. Imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly being told I'm small [framed].

Kind of changes my perspective. A little. It also brings up the issue of whether my goal weight is good enough.

In a word? Yes. That said, I had it in my head from the beginning of all of this that I would re-evaluate once I reached it and I'd probably lose a little more beyond that. My current plan is to reach goal and then work on toning and improving my fitness level. Increase my endurance. Run a 5K. Build more lean muscle and try to tighten up. All of this is likely to shed more weight and lose more inches, but it's not my focus right now. I don't want to take away from my feeling of accomplishment when I hit goal weight, but that will mark the start of a new focus and a new goal: To really get fit. Ideally, I'd like to actually be 5-15 pounds below my current goal weight when all is said and done.

BUT, for now, I have my goal to reach. Despite the setback of gaining last week (perhaps the two 4-lb weeks made my body freak out a little bit), I'm charging forward and reaching for that goal. I lost the 1.6 pounds I had gained for last Monday. It's still realistic for me to reach my goal weight by my current goal date (end of August). I haven't liked goal dates much in the past, but I figure at this point in the game, it's enough of a nudge to push myself a little bit more. Considering this past weekend was a getaway weekend for the Hubs and myself and I indulged in daiquiris, didn't log in my calories (but was still conscientious) and opted for fries instead of a salad with lunch (total conscious decision), I don't consider just making up for last week's weigh-in too shabby.

I haven't checked in with my measurements in awhile so here we go--since last June:
Waist: -7 inches
Hips: -8 inches
Upper thigh: -6 inches
Upper arm: -1.5 inches

Kind of wish I had done more measurements to start, but oh well.

Fittingly, I saw this over on Pinterest (my new obsession, thanks to my SIL :) )...

I can assure you how true this statement is. A little over a year ago, I weighed about 60 lbs more than I do right now. I made a decision to start something and lose the weight. Slow and steady. The healthy way. I wanted to feel better about myself.

God, I'm glad I started. I'm so thankful that it finally clicked. I'm so thankful I did something. I'm so glad to be this far along with my weight loss.

Alright, so the answer to the poll of how much I weighed in this photo...

57% said 121-130...

Actual weight:

138. Children's BMI of 20.4 and in the 65th percentile.

Perfectly healthy, but once again, when I asked Deanna to vote, we ran into the issue of perspective and how our frames of reference really vary. To refresh, Deanna is 5'1", I'm 6'0". We're in entirely different weight classes--our healthy weight ranges don't even cross. When I asked her to guess my weight in that photo, she guessed 105-110 lbs at the heaviest. When I told her 138--actually, a few months earlier and an inch shorter, I weighed in at about 149, though that was the awkward 6th-7th grade phase--her eyes just about bugged out of her head. To her 138 is really heavy. To me now, it's at the very bottom of my healthy weight range. At the time, it was totally healthy. Interestingly, the winner of Biggest Loser, Olivia, is 5'9" and her finale weight was 132.

Oh and I'm easing into telling Deanna my current weight. Because it's not 138. I did, however, tell the Hubs my "number." That's a big step--I can purge my soul to him, he's my best friend in the world, but I didn't want him to know my weight. When I was pregnant, I made him look away when he came with me to the doctor's office. I whispered it to the nurse when she asked for the anesthesiologist who would be administering my epidural. I was embarrassed. Now I'm not. I'm not entirely used to my current weight though. I was jotting down my current and ultimate goal weights and I miswrote it. I typed it in wrong to my weight loss ticker. I'm always making myself gain at least 10 pounds. In my mind, I have to correct myself even more.

It's a process. Eventually my brain will readjust, my eyes will (hopefully) be kinder on my mind and body, and the old wounds that left me feeling inferior and almost victimized will no longer reopen as easily.

For now, I have a new number on my wrist, my pilates DVD sitting next to my laptop ready to go, my tennis shoes leaning against the stationary bike waiting for our date tonight, and my motivation to finish strong driving me on.

“I changed my mind and I believe in myself.” --Hannah, Biggest Loser Season 11

P.S. McFatty Monday next week will again take place on Tuesday.

Family photo--August 2010 vs. May 2011

2011-06-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Aug. 2010

May 2011

Look at our Little. She's gotten so big!

Can't help but notice another "size" difference--About 40 lbs difference for me between the photos. I guess pictures don't lie.

Poll!

2011-06-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

I posted a poll to the right that I hope you'll vote on. I've been talking a lot lately about perspective and how weight ranges vary so much from person to person based on height and body type. I'm really trying to draw awareness to this since "ideals" are often really far off what's realistic and what's healthy. I'll be interested to see the responses. Don't be shy--all responses are anonymous and I honestly won't take offense.

I'll post my actual weight from the photo on Tuesday when I check in for McFatty Monday a day late.

Little has a co-leader for the toddler revolution!

2011-06-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

As a baby, Little often put her fist in the air, which we affectionately referred to as her "Power to the Babies!" pose.

When I stumbled across this, I developed church giggles at my desk.

Spinach Meatballs, Sweet Potato Pancakes & Sweet Potato Fries

2011-06-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I really try to mix up Little's food so she doesn't get bored. To make this easier having a hectic schedule, I like to keep the freezer stocked with homemade stuff that just needs to be reheated. Here are two of my favorite recipes:

Spinach Meatballs--sooo YUMMY!
1 package Jennie-O ground turkey 93/7
1/2-2/3 package frozen spinach (I use Fresh & Easy's)...you can also use fresh, but frozen is a little easier
2 eggs
1/8-1/4 cup of bread crumbs (optional, but I think it holds them together better. If you leave these out, the recipe is gluten-free--I modified it this way for my best friend Sherry could eat them!)
Italian blend spice
Garlic powder
Olive oil cooking spray

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2.Whisk eggs then mix together with ground turkey
3. If using frozen spinach, it's easiest to use a vegetable steamer. Fill base with water, add 1/2-2/3 of the bag, add cover, cook for about 4 minutes in microwave. If you don't have a steamer, follow package directions. Just be sure that once cooked, strain and blot thoroughly with paper towel. If using fresh spinach, fill a large saucepan about 1/2 full of water or so. Bring to a boil. In the meantime, cut stems off spinach and cut the leaves into strips. Once the water boils, toss in the spinach and "blanch" for about a minute. Strain and thoroughly blot with paper towel. Mix spinach into egg/turkey.
4. For the spice and garlic powder, I rarely measure. Use your judgement. Same with the bread crumbs, if you use them.
5. Spray a shallow baking pan (I wouldn't recommend a flat baking sheet) with olive oil cooking spray.
6. Shape into meatballs and bake for about 20 minutes or until cooked through.

The finished mixture before taking meatball form.
As you can see, there's a good amount of spinach in this recipe!

Makes about 16 golf-ball sized meatballs in my experience.

These are sooo good. I've used them mainly for Little (she loves them w/ Fresh & Easy's Goodness brand whole grain pasta shaped like animals and their pasta sauce, which has no sugar or artificial ingredients or preservatives added), but I've started using them for "adult" dinners too. These freeze really well!

Sweet Potato Pancakes

2 sweet potatoes
3 eggs
1 cup whole wheat flour (for a lighter texture, use 1/2 whole wheat, 1/2 all purpose)
2 tbsp of butter or margarine, melted
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup milk (or more)

1. To cook sweet potatoes--Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Scrub and poke holes in potato with knife (careful), then rinse with water (it helps cook them). Wrap in foil and cook 40-60 mins or until softer to the touch. Obviously use an oven mitt, but you should be able to squeeze it and have it "give." I usually cook these in advance if I'm making baked sweet potato fries. It's easier to work with once it's cooled. Just store in fridge in foil.

2. Mix sweet potatoes in a mixing bowl with eggs. Stir in the flour and add the baking powder.

3. Add up to 1/2 cup of milk, stirring. Use your judgment--mixture should have a thick, lumpy sauce consistency. Stir in 1-2 tbsp butter.

4. Heat a skillet to medium-high. I use a griddle because I can make more at once. Spoon batter (I like to use a 1/4 or 1/3 measuring cup to scoop and pour) onto the griddle and cook until bubbles rise to the surface of the pancakes and break.
5. Using a spatula, flip the pancakes and cook another 2 minutes or so until cooked through.

This recipe makes about 14-16 2 1/2-3 inch pancakes so you can increase or decrease the ingredients depending on how many you want to make. These also freeze really well. I use these mainly for a "side" for lunch/dinner for Little. She'll eat them plain, heated with a little butter, or with jam. I'll save pumpkin or banana oat or blueberry pancakes for breakfasts.

Since I mentioned them, though I don't have photos, here's the basic recipe for:

Baked Sweet Potato Fries that even the Sweet-Potato hating Hubs loves

1 large sweet potato, uncooked
1-2 tbsp of extra virgin olive oil
Cinnamon, ginger, brown sugar, nutmeg (whatever spices you'd like to add--I use cinnamon, ginger & nutmeg)

Olive oil cooking spray

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

2. Scrub potato then slice into wedges--they'll shrink a little once cooked so consider that when slicing

3. In a large bowl, mix together olive oil and spices. Toss wedges into bowl and mix around until all are coated. This can be a little awkward if you are doubling this recipe. It might be a good idea to use a large storage ziploc and toss, but you might need a little more oil.

4. Coat baking sheet with olive oil cooking spray then arrange a single layer of wedges.

5. Bake about 30-40 mins until tender.

These are far more nutritious than regular french fries and they're baked instead of fried. The Hubs seriously dislikes sweet potatoes, but I made these with dinner one night and he said he could eat a ton of them they're so good. Don't expect french fry consistency. They have a crispiness to the outside, but they're gooey on the inside. These are great for kids, too, but be sure they can handle the skins (Little had trouble the first time I made these for her, but does fine now).

The great thing about the top two recipes (if you pre-cook the sweet potatoes) is that they aren't terribly time-consuming for prep. Last week, I made both after work and got them cooking in about 15-20 mins while Little did this:

Putting the weight back on.

2011-06-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

When I started flipping through photos from a time when I was so, unbelievably insecure, I put back on the figurative weight of all those old feelings of inadequacy, of not feeling important, of loneliness, of self-doubt. Of high school and the years surrounding it. It's bizarre how fresh those feelings are just looking at pictures and remembering even fragments of what I was going through emotionally. Among the photos was one I actually liked--the day I got my first car, my beloved '93 Explorer Sport that I unfortunately wasn't able to maintain as much as I would have liked in its later years.

But this made me realize something: This was as "big" as I ever got in high school.

I don't see "big" when I look at this photo. I see tall.

And really bulky sandals.

Friday night, I literally put the weight back on--in the form of a bunch of things we had in the house. I had a sticker with the month and weight loss and attached it to each item. I paced our side yard, which is the length of the house, one up and one back for each month and dropped the item that represented that month. Like Biggest Loser's version, but less grandesque. The Hubs had to laugh at my items because evidently we have a whole bunch of weights in the garage somewhere that would have been a lot more compact. (So I plan to have a re-do and perhaps lengthen the course.)

Anyway, carrying around the extra weight wasn't fun and I'm not quite sure how I didn't seem to feel it when I weighed that much, but I guess I did, which is why I feel so much lighter now. I just don't know how I did it.

Allow me to present what 55 pounds (June-May) looks like:

That's:
1 8-lb hand weight
2 bags of flour (5 lbs each)
1 96oz milk container filled with water
2 5lb hand weights
1 container of vegetable oil
2 containers of olive oil (well, about 1 3/4)
5 boxes of pasta, 1 lb each
1 bag of uncooked rice (2 lb)
3 containers of cleaning products--about 32-36 fl oz each

A really bad self-portrait before starting. To carry all of the above, I wore a backpack, carried a cross-body style messenger bag, and lugged a gym duffel.

While it wasn't fun, I don't feel like I got the whole experience. I think I need more walking time for it to sink in how much I weighed before, how much weight that's been to lose, and that I will never be that weight again. Like I said, I'll do a repeat maybe at goal weight.

All that said, I did put a little weight back on this week. And I'm irked about that. I told myself I'd do better on the weekends so I could lead up to a good loss on Monday. Well, I was lurred by the sushi rolls on Saturday and the spring rolls yesterday. I ate through the "wall" of being full because it was so. unbelievably. delicious. It still wasn't enough to explain a 1.6 pound gain this week. My lower (but still good) water intake and the fact that it's my TOM probably explains that better. I hate backtracking. I hate falling short. That 60 lb milestone is right there and I just can't seem to reach it. That psychological milestone is right there and I can't grasp it. Yet.

It's not a great attitude that I begin this week with, but I'll fight my way back. I'll get there. I look at that picture of the 17-year-old girl who hated having her picture taken, who constantly fumbled with her clothes and fidgeted because she was so uncomfortable with herself, who never spoke up about anything, who was a doormat, who could so easily be pushed aside, and I realize a few things:

-I hear these lyrics and I think of the girl I was:

Hold on, baby, you're losing it

The water's high, you're jumping into it

And letting go... and no one knows

That you cry, but you don't tell anyone

That you might not be the golden one

And you're tied together with a smile

But you're coming undone

and it makes me sad to think what a sad girl I was and for years.
-I'm not that person anymore. I want to shake her and tell her she's so much more than she gives herself credit for. That she's giving too much power to people who don't really care about her at all. She needs to speak up for herself. She needs to yell and scream if that's what it takes to be heard. That people who don't want to listen aren't worth her time. That she needs to enjoy life and not constantly worry that she's going to make a fool out of herself.
-I owe it to her to feel good about myself. Not okay, but good.
-I owe it to her to not let things hold me back, including my own self-doubt.
-I owe it to her to face my fears.
-I owe it to her to stand up for myself and be heard. Because I have a voice. What I feel is important, what I say is valuable. I never felt that when I was 17.
-I owe it to her. I owe it to me. I will finish for us, two versions of the same person.

On a lighter note, I dumped Weight Watchers. Not really that heartlessly...okay, maybe I did. I was swayed by the endless database on My Fitness Pal, the easy access to my full nutritional picture, the reports and tools, and the fact that it's FREE. I like to see what my sodium and fiber intake is, along with everything else. WW simplified things to the point that I didn't know any of that. Also, when I was tracking both, but aiming more toward staying within my calorie range instead of points range, I lost more weight. Weight Watchers in fantastic and I credit it for really helping me to eat better food and getting my fruits and veggies (to earn a smiley face for the day), but I'm liking MFP. I've already recruited a few members to the site.

Oh and a different gauge of my weight loss? The jeans I wore on my first date with the Hubs--the juniors, slim fitting, low-rise jeans? They fit. I had all but given up on fitting into them again because my body shape changed so much with pregnancy, but for kicks, I pulled them on and sure enough, zip! That was so much fun that I pulled on a few other jeans I didn't think would possibly fit. Yep, yep, yep. It's easier to justify not fitting into something because clearly dryers have it out for all of us, but it's hard to deny when jeans that have been sitting there twiddling their thumbs fit.

So, time to get on track for this week. I have a few challenging weeks ahead with getaways (and free cocktails--when I never drink), Disney, and traveling. I can handle it. I can be smart with food choices, hydrate, and Lord knows I'll get plenty of exercise walking around Disneyland. Oh and I'll be checking in next Tuesday instead of Monday.

Stuff I'm digging

2011-06-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

a) artificial grass for our side yard. We have a goal of having the side yard remodeled and grass installed by the Fall. Low-maintenance, child friendly, and an excuse to spend more time outside when it cools down? Love it.
b) Camelbak bottle for kids. I really want to get Little an insulated stainless bottle like my Klean Kanteen, but they don't have that variety with child-friendly lids and it'd be pretty heavy for her at this point.
c) Rollercoaster ride-on car. This is high on the want list for Little for when it gets cooler. She would love it.
d) Alphabet magnets for the fridge--Little loves her bath letters and she's always hanging out in the kitchen so it might be a good purchase...and they can move up to the playroom once we get a board or surface they can go on.
e) momAgenda planner I talked about yesterday
f) art easel for the kiddo--it has a magnetic side, which would be great. I think she'd like having her paper up on the easel, but I'd have to check the height.
g) one of the things I'm absolutely getting for fall/winter once I hit goal weight? A brown [faux] leather moto jacket a la Kate Beckett on Castle.
h) totally goofed and put 2 H's. h-1: I Know a Rhino--arguably Little's favorite book. 9/10 times reciting it will calm her down, she will have us read it to her 10 times in a row and ask for an 11th time, and she applauds at the end of it. The illustrations are really adorable, too. h-2: The Hubs and I will be getting away for a couple of nights to a beautiful resort that has this pool. Not too shabby.
i) Big Island, here we come!
j) Little's first trip to Disneyland. We'll prepare ourselves for toddler sensory overload and the Hubs will likely ride the new Star Tours ride 37 times.
k) Thirty-one and their line of utility totes and organizers and insulated totes. The catalog is full of really pretty, very practical stuff.
l) Curious George. This monkey renders our Little into a trance-like state even in her fussiest moments. She will go from meltdown state to giggling in no time flat. We won't overuse this method, but my goodness is it a Godsent when we really need good ol' George.

In 6 more pounds, it shall be mine...

2011-06-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

I'm a fairly laid back person, but I will admit to having some Type-A, control freak tendencies. I like to organize and plan things and this is just the thing to help me:

Behold, the momAgenda Home Office Edition. It's a bit bulky, but it's spiral ringed, which I love, and it will hold everything--every schedule, plan, note I can think up. I might switch it up and go for the more compact Desktop edition, too.

The next edition is for the academic year so it starts in August and ships 7/1. I should be able to meet my goal in 6 lbs to be able to order it soon after and I am stoked. I'm really getting into finding organizers and things that make life simpler. I soo look forward to converting to one organizer. (Though I like the reminders in Outlook, I get more satisfaction from being able to write in something.)

Now. Turquoise, hot pink, or zebra?

:gulp:

2011-06-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Why one should not assume all brands are the same.

I had mistakenly assumed that all frozen hashbrown patties were created equal.

Not so much.

Can you guess which one this girl's been using in her food journal and which one she's been consuming?

Yeeah.

A filler for the Biggest Loser summer hiatus?

2011-06-06T16:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently revamped and not focused on plastic surgery as much, I just heard about Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and I'm kind of stoked. In an hour (thank you ABC for not stretching this to 2 hours), they show a morbidly obese person losing a mess of weight. Not likely to get to know the people as much as on BL, but still inspiring as I get close to the homestretch of my weight loss and it's a good show to watch from the uncomfortable seat of the stationary bike.

By the sound of it, they only do plastic surgery for removing extra skin, which I'm okay with. For people losing that much weight, it's kind of a necessity. Some days I'd just love to have my extra tummy skin removed. I was also glad they're not revisiting their plastic surgery emphasis that they had years ago (before Ty came rolling in with his megaphone on Home Edition).

Chris Powell has some connections with my colleagues so that'll be interesting--and he seems to have that square jaw, tough, but sensitive trainer thing happening...hmm. Kind of reminds me of someone...rhymes with "job." Oh well. I'll give it a try.

Relativity.

2011-06-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you know the number I mentioned last week? The one I said I would be happy to see this morning even if it had a ".9" after? Well, I didn't see that this morning. No, no, the number I saw was lower.

I lost 3.8 pounds this week. Um, that's nearly 8 pounds in 2 weeks.

::blank stare::

Now, I have the odd situation of deciding whether I'm getting enough calories (which I am) or if my body finally kicked into drive and decided it might be best to let go of the extra pounds. To be honest, I'm bewildered because it seems too easy. I'm suspicious. I'm afraid that my body is playing tricks on me and that my weight will jump back up. I should be excited about the weight loss (while keeping an eye on it to make sure that I'm not losing weight too fast for too many weeks), but I think it's the I-won't-relax-until-it's-finished thought process. That's not true either though because I'm sure I'll be careful with my food choices and calories once I hit goal weight too.

So yeeeah, I've lost 59 pounds. Next week, I'm hoping to meet the 60 lb milestone, as well as another personal psychological milestone. 15 pounds to go total.

To explain further the significance of this weight...

I weigh 35 pounds less than I did just before I got pregnant. (I must have really bleached my shirt because I believe that qualifies as whiter white.)

I weigh 20 pounds less than I did the day I married the Hubs.

I weigh 10 pounds less than I did when I met the Hubs. (Pic is from a few months later when the now-Hubs was going through his mafia hair phase ;) "Who loves ya, baby?")

I'm 5 pounds away from the weight I was when I was 17 years old and my lowest adult weight ever. (I will try to remember to scan a photo)

Yeah. Kind of surreal.

It's a strange process, adjusting to the weight loss. Physically, it's kind of amazing how my body adjusts, how my skin slowly shrinks, no longer needing to be stretched to accomodate all the extra fat it housed before. I noticed last night that the skin right in the middle of my tummy tightened up first ("tightened up," of course, is relative) and forgive me for this mental image, but parted the sea of loose, saggy, stretch-marked skin. You know what? I can see my stomach. You know, the stomach that was hiding under layers of fat.

I look in the mirror more these days--partially because I'm not used to my reflection and partially because I want to be sure my body didn't suddenly pack back on the weight a la Nutty Professor. ("Oh SPANDEX!") I was reading BA's McFatty post (better known as Blair) this morning and I could totally relate. Like Blair, I've always been tall and this has always been translated incorrectly as being "big." Growing up I felt huge compared to all my peers, even the guys simply because I was tall. (I was 5'9" by 8th grade and am now an even 6'0".) I was a nuissance because my teacher needed to have my desk adjusted since my knees wouldn't fit underneath, I was picked on because I was different, and I firmly established internally that I was simply awkward. That was just the way it was. I was sentenced to being uncomfortable in my own skin and I had no idea what I did to deserve that sentence. This made me even more awkward externally. It became who I was: the big, quiet, awkward nobody. Easily picked on. I was smart, but no one paid much attention. Credit was given to the outgoing, pretty girls who never seemed to know self-doubt.

If only I knew then what I know now. That Paul, who I had crushed on throughout 3rd & 4th grade, who would eventually crush me with his response to "When pigs fly" of: "Well that's easy, all we have to do is lift Krys up on a stick" wasn't worth the tears I shed over his words. And that he was blind if he thought that little girl he called a pig was fat. That people who pick on others are mostly hiding their own insecurities. That's no excuse though. There's no excuse for meanness. It doesn't make it okay. I feel like a lot of the responses kids who are bullied get are brush-offs. "They're just mean because they like you." "They're just mean because they're jealous." "They're just mean because..." blah, Blah, BLAH. That's. not. good. enough.

Anyway.

So many awful things said, so many torturing, bullying moments, so many years of feeling overwhelmingly uncomfortable in my own skin leading to now when I look in the mirror and think: "I'm not fat." I turn to the side. "Nope, still not fat." I can't seem to wrap my mind around the idea that I can be slim...or thin...I'm the big (see: tall) awkward girl who held herself back from really living life...aren't I?

Over the weekend, I did a double-take of my legs. I was on the verge of thinking that they looked thin, but even now, even after losing 59 pounds, which is no small feat, I wouldn't allow it. I concluded that there was something wrong with the mirror, it was tilted and my reflection was distorted.

I do give myself credit though. I do. My mind is going to have to play catch-up with my body, but I do feel a sense of accomplishment. I hopped on the stationary bike yesterday while Little napped and said outloud "I'm doing this" and I really meant it when I said: "15 pounds to go. Bring. it. on." because I am a fighter, I am strong, I will finish strong. I will finish.

While I can't undo what's been done and said in the past, my mindset is different now. I have a far keener sense of what's right and wrong...and what's just plain mean.

I realized something else while reading Blair's post and nodding throughout: I don't hate my body. My body put up with me abusing it for years and years with unhealthy food choices. It's been relatively healthy considering. It took good care of my little girl for 9 months. There are scars from mosquito bites, chicken pox and surgery, stretchmarks, freckles, visible veins from the extra weight I carried (and a predisposition for them), but I'm not looking to change any of that. I'd like to lose the rest of the weight, tone up a little, and I'd love to get my skin in check. That's it. I think in the past I thought that if I couldn't look like one of the "pretty skinny girls", it wasn't worth trying to lose weight. Now, I just want to be healthy. I want to feel good. Looking better is secondary. Enjoying shopping is secondary. Feeling comfortable in a bathing suit is simply for kicks because I never thought I could.

At this point, I feel like I know what I need to do. I'm just getting it done.

I have confusion, BUT I also have bragging rights.

2011-05-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

Last week was...stressful. Then this weekend, we traveled to the Lone Star state for a family reunion. We slept in the living room of a timeshare, which was supposed to have an uncomfortable sleeper sofa. As it turned out, it didn't have a sleeper sofa at all. D'oh. We ended up on the couch and an air mattress provided by my BIL. Oh well, we weren't planning on getting quality sleep anyway. Then there was the time change. Then the fact that we dined out for every meal (aside from breakfast Saturday and Sunday). I decided to "wing it" with WW--it'd be a test of my knowledge.

So a lot of challenges stacked against me this week that should have impeded upon any weight loss. All I could think of as I stepped on the scale and waited for the bright blue number was: "Don't gain, don't gain, don't gain..."

Then...

4 POUNDS LOST.

Let me tell you, there was fist pumping, dancing, hooting and hollering, and perhaps a "Wapah!" in there.

4 pounds lost during what should have been a really awful week for weight loss. I am confused and bewildered considering that some weeks I do awesome all week and there's very little to no weight loss. Oh well. I'll take it!

My strategy was basically to try to drink as much water as possible, make sensible choices, and eat until I felt satisfied and never stuff myself to the point of being uncomfortably full. I indulged in a little extra of this absolutely to-die-for sauce on night one (everyone could have drank that stuff by the gallon), that made a reappearance on night three and I joined in on the gelato indulgence when we took the boat tour along the Riverwalk (the boat ride was a lot of fun and the atmosphere at night along the Riverwalk reminded me of Disney and Pirates of the Caribbean mixed with Vegas), but I stuck with my plan. It was easy to get exercise since we stayed active going to places and swimming.

I'd like to forget the week when I had the false weigh-in after the stomach bug and the low feeling afterwards when the weight loss didn't stick. That said, I'm thrilled to be down a different weight "category." That middle number only has one more number to roll down so it makes goal feel within reach.

Another really awesome discovery? I'm down another jeans/shorts size. I figured that out when my jeans wouldn't stay up after being freshly washed and pulled from the dryer and only being on for 5 minutes. Despite the saggy butt, I'm not buying new jeans until I hit goal so should the need arise, perhaps I can find another pair in the closet that runs smaller. (Good thing it's summer and 900 degrees.) I think a couple more pounds would make the next size down a little bit more comfortable. Ultimately, I'm hoping to be down 2 sizes from the jeans I wore this weekend. I'm not sure it's possible for me to get smaller than that without developing an eating disorder.

What I did well this week: I survived a vacation with a pretty impressive weight loss to show for it. Monday-Thursday of last week, I had my goal weight that I was working toward for the week written on the inside of my left wrist. (Stealing an idea from Biggest Loser contestant Jay.) I didn't expect to reach it in one week (it was my next mini goal), but it was to remind me why I should go do the stairs, walk when I didn't feel like it, drink more water. I'm 0.2 pounds below that weight.

Obstacles/Challenges: Stress and lack of sleep for the most part. Hopefully having a more low-key week and getting more Zzzz's this week will help push my weight loss along.

Motivation for this week: Legitimately reach my stomach bug weight again. Oh and I have another number written on my wrist. Even if I see it with a 9 behind the decimal point, it'll still be nice to see on the scale next Monday.

Something I've discovered this week is how little importance I gave my opinion, my feelings, my existence in the past. It wasn't entirely my fault and I'm not about to go into that or place blame because it's in the past and I can't change the past, but I've noticed how much I'm evolving as a person when it comes to that. I now know that I have the right to exist, to have an opinion, to stand up for myself, to have a voice, and to be strong. I'm losing weight, but there's so much more to it. I'm gaining confidence. I'm gaining strength. I'm gaining certainty in who I am. You can see that in my current before/afters.

Before (June 2010)

Current (-55+ pounds)

Pssst--8.8 pounds away from the weight I was when I was 17. Oh and I'm off to reward myself to Bare Minerals makeup for reaching my next mini goal. Scoooore!

Oh and I've kind of done a side-by-side of WW and MFP (My Fitness Pal) for a couple of weeks. If you're not wanting to shell out money for WW, give MFP a try. They have a lot of neat tools and reports to help you along. Oh, but careful with the "If every day were like today, you'd weigh..." feature at the bottom of the food diary. It's not really accurate when you have big exercise days and sort of slack off over the weekend. Be realistic. Oh and on average, I eat between 1200-1500 calories per day while staying within WW points. Keep in mind that most (but not all) fruits and veggies are "free" on WW, but they do contain calories. Not a lot and I'm not about to stress if I go over on calories because I splurged on, say, an orange. ::gasp:: A good point made by another WW subscriber is "We didn't get to the point of needing WW by eating too many fruits and vegetables."