the monday am qb

Wrecks Grossman's Days Are Numbered

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 11:45:00 +0000

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison

I'm not sure the number is 10,000, but Chicago Bears Rex Grossman is doing a fine job of finding ways that don't work: throwing into triple coverage, off the wrong foot, etc, etc.

To say he sucks is an understatement. He's a joke. The laughing stock of the league. To think that he's actually a starting quarterback in the NFL is beyond me. His performance last night brought back visions of Rick Meirer, PT Willis, and Henry Burris.

And if I hear one more TV jackass (yes, you John Madden..whom my wife remarked "looks like he's going to drop dead of a heart attack at any moment.") talk about Good Rex/Bad Rex, I'm going to take an axe to his or her shins.

There is no Good Rex. Last season we saw SUN SHINES ON A DOG'S ASS REX. He had a few very lucky games against sub-par opponents. This season he has 1 Touchdown and 6 Interceptions. Last night his QB Rating was 27.5. Nice numbers, eh? Good Rex has left the building.

But now for the tricky part. The Bears Defense is NOW. They are in their prime. Yes, last night they gave up some points, but that will happen when they're on the field for 35+ minutes a game because your offense cannot sustain a drive.

Their Offense is light years from being competitive. The Quarterback is horrible, the Running Back moves his legs a lot then kind of falls forward.

Brian Greise is not the answer. Could it be Kyle "neck beard" Orton? Who knows.

The dilemma that the Bears will face, most likely very, very soon, is how long they can stand by their struggling quarterback. The coaching staff's decision to repeatedly say "Rex is our Quarterback" is not only being questioned by the public, but at this point, you'd think the players also. You can see the frustration in the eyes of every player on the field when he throws an interception (26 since the start of 2006, tied for most in the league in that time frame.)

To say that his approval rating is rivaled only by that of our Commander-In-Chief would be an understatement.

For the sake of everyone in the Second City, hopefully his tenure doesn't last as long.

Not too Shabby

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:58:00 +0000

3-2-1 for the first week. It could have been worse ladies and gentlemen.

While I may not be Sam Rothstein, I didn't have a terrible week.

LOSERS:
Washington -4
NYG 24 Skins 17
One thing became evident this Sunday (besides the fact that Rex Grossman is the anti-christ): The Redskins defense sucks even more than Eli Manning. Eli and the New York Football Giants outscored the Skins 21-0 in the second half, cruising to a 24-17 win.

Bengals @ Seahawks OVER 50
Seahawks 24 Bengals 21
The Bengals couldn't post the 30 points I was counting on to break the over/under of 50, losing to the Seahawks 24-21. Chad Johnson...here's a new touchdown celebration...kiss my fat, hairy, white ass!

THE "A" LIST

Bills @ Patriots -17
Pats 38 Bills7
The Pat's Tom Brady and Randy Moss continued their dominance, manhandling the Bills and moving to 3-0 with a 38-7 victory. (I believe I predicted a final of 38-10)

49ers @ Steelers -9
Steelers 37 49ers 16
The Steelers also paid this weekend, beating the 49ers 37-16, easily covering the 9 points set by Vegas. A 20 point forth quarter sealed the deal and the Steelers move to 3-0.

Panthers -4 @ Falcons
Panthers 27 Falcons 20
Carolina's 14 point third quarter was the difference in the game, helping the Panthers beat the Falcons 27-20 in Atlanta. Thank you DeAngelo Hall. Your 67 yards in penalties helped Carolina finish your team off. And Thank You David Carr. Carr entered the game after Panther's QB Jake Delhomme went down with an elbow injury late in the third quarter.

KISSIN' YOUR SISTER AWARD:
Vikings -3 @ Chiefs
Vikings 10 KC 13
The Vikings managed to hold off Larry Johnson all day, limiting him to 42 yards on 24 carries. But the late TD to Dwayne Bowe sealed the come from behind victory, helping the Chiefs avoid a 0-3 start, winning 13-10.

More next Week....

My Dear F'ing Lord It Has Been a While...

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 19:03:00 +0000

But we're back.

I know everyone has been clamoring for some more of our off key humor, our stupid dick jokes, and our undying ability to bitch and complain about virtually EVERYTHING.

I'd like to kick off the season with some picks. Since we were so good last season, I will preface this by saying if you're a betting man, take the exact opposite of every game I suggest...

NY Giants @ Redskins
Skins -4

The Giants might be the worst unit in the NFL. Their Defense has given up an average of 40 points a game this season. That'd be a great number if we were talking about the Knicks. Not to mention I think Eli Manning is a colossal Vag.

That's the hottest piece of snooch Eli's ever had his small gay hands on...

Skins 28-6

Panthers @ Falcons
Panthers -4

This one's in a Dome. Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith are going to have career days against a Falcons Defense that has been somewhat stingy so far this season, only allowing 18.5 points per game. Unfortunately for the Falcons, their Offense has been dismal, scoring a total of 10 points in two games this season.

Panthers 31 - 10

Bengals @ Seahawks
OVER 50

Both teams should be able to score at will. This one is going to play over by a minimum of 10 points.

Bengals 35-31

49ers @ Steelers
Steelers -9
Pittsburgh is averaging 30 points a game while only giving up 5. Even by my math, that's a very good situation to be in.

This chick is our friend on MySpace. She's super hot and a Steelers fan. That's enough reason for me...

Steelers 24 - 9

Bills @ Patriots
Pats -17

Tom Brady and the Pats will move to 3-0 on the season with an easy win against Buffalo at home. Buffalo has managed to average 8.5 points per game, while the Patriots have scored 38 in two consecutive games while only allowing an average of 14 points against and 56 yards rushing in the same span.

Then Brady goes home to that.

Pats 38-10

Vikings @ Chiefs
Vikings +3

Ah, the Chiefs. A team that could give the Giants a run for their money. Kansas City has scored 13 points....all season.

There's nothing more to say here. I'm as sure of this game as I am that Dane Cook's a dousche bag, Barry Bonds is a cheat, and Wayne Brady is a white.

And let me go on record as the first person to plead the case for Brody Croyle's wife's Marvelous Cans to be named the starting QB of the Chiefs....

Vikings 28-12

Cubs' Prior out for the Season

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:28:00 +0000

Giant Vigina. Huge. Massive.

PUSSY.

A Serious Moment

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 13:14:00 +0000

In a place where boobs and 5th toilet grade humor tend to play a big role in our content, it may be strange to see a serious post.

One day after what is being dubbed the worst mass shooting in history, people are still trying to put the pieces back together.

Why is a shooting at Virginia Tech news on the Monday AM QB? Because Va Tech has been, and most defiantly will continue to be a force in Collegiate Sports.

So, in an effort to not be long winded, I say this: On behalf of the entire staff here at the Monday AM QB, the deepest sympathy and heartfelt remorse go out to everyone effected by the terrible acts that took place yesterday in Blacksburg, Va.

Eliminating “Thuggery” in the National Basketball Association:

noreply@blogger.com (Rhino) — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 18:52:00 +0000

Yeah, so I haven't really been an active participant on the MAMQB lately, but with good reason. Because of my schedule, I decided to kill the proverbial two birds with a solid stone's throw, giving me the inside track on completing some master's degree requirements while also trying to keep Big Willie from ousting me from his less-than-ambitious roster of writers. That said, here's a piece I wrote for my most recent class, which has bearings on some current events in the world of professional basketball, which I admittedly must report I know little and care less about. Man, I can't wait for football season.

Eliminating “Thuggery” in the National Basketball Association: A case study focusing on the positive and negative outcomes of NBA Commissioner David Stern’s actions to better manage the league’s image.

Having dropped a nefariously intolerable solo rap album, this is the only "fan hit" Ron Artest could ever hope to deliver.

Abstract:

Over the past 19 months, three major National Basketball Association (NBA) policies have been issued by the league’s commissioner, David Stern. These new policies, which include an updated dress code for public appearances, a “no-tolerance” rule for in-game behavior, and a separate “leave your gun at home” clause, were and continue to be met with scrutiny and/or support from three main stakeholder groups—players, analysts, and fans. This case study will provide a comprehensive overview of the impact these three policies have on the aforementioned stakeholders.

Background:

Commissioner Stern and his colleagues recognized what they perceived as a negative image emanating from the NBA, based on a variety of incidents taking place on and off the court. These incidents included—but were not limited to— individual and/or team fights, players independently producing rap albums, and off-the-court disturbances, along with what was identified as a general disrespect for the integrity and history of the game of basketball.

In addition, Stern and his staff concluded that improving the league’s image would not only boost its integrity, but also, if done correctly, could benefit the league financially. Stern deduced that offering his publics a cleaner, more responsible product would also result in increased attendance and supplementary corporate sponsorship. This extra money could then be reinvested to increase player salaries, in turn bringing additional parity to the league and its teams. With parity in place, select teams could no longer dominate teams whose salary caps were extraordinarily higher than others.

About the Commissioner[1]

From nba.com:

“David Stern… was unanimously elected as the NBA’s fourth commissioner and began his tenure on February 1, 1984. Since then, the NBA has added seven franchises; enjoyed a fifteen-fold increase in revenues; expanded its national television exposure dramatically; and launched [two additional] League[s]. Interest generated by the league’s growing international initiatives has led to the televising of NBA games in 215 countries in 43 languages.

“…Mr. Stern began his association with the NBA in 1966 as outside counsel, joined the NBA in 1978 as General Counsel and became the league’s Executive Vice President in 1980. During those years, he had a hand in virtually every matter that would shape the league, including the landmark 1976 settlement between the NBA and its players leading to free agency; the collective bargaining agreement that introduced the salary cap and revenue sharing; professional sports’ first anti-drug agreement; and the creation of NBA Entertainment, a marketing, television and multi-media production company that has been telling the NBA story in award-winning fashion for two decades.

“…Mr. Stern is the chair emeritus of the Trustees of Columbia University and serves or has served on the boards of Beth Israel Medical Center, the Rutgers University Foundation, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, the Martin Luther King Jr. Federal Holiday Commission, the Thurgood Marshall Scholarship Fund, the Museum of Television and Radio, and Jazz at Lincoln Center. He is also a member of the Council on Foreign Relations. A native of New York City, Mr. Stern is a graduate of Rutgers University and Columbia Law School.”

Actions and Policies set in motion by Commissioner Stern:

To assess the situation with credibility, we must first establish the following specifics:

1. Dress Code: On October 17, 2005, Commissioner Stern implemented a mandatory dress code for all players in the NBA. In sum, the dress code stated that all players dress in business or conservative attire when (A) arriving and departing venues during games, (B) on the bench while injured or (C) conducting official NBA business—i.e. press interviews, charity events, etc. Moreover, if a player does not suit up for a game, he must follow the dress code set forth for coaches, which typically includes a sport coat, dress slacks, and business shoes. Clothing or accessories prohibited by the Commissioner’s mandate included jerseys, jeans, hats, do-rags, t-shirts, large jewelry, sneakers and Timberland style boots. Violating this policy would result in fines and possible suspensions for repeat offenders.

2. Zero-Tolerance: Beginning with the 2006-07 NBA season, Commissioner Stern backed a new rule regarding the penalization of argumentative players in game situations. This “Zero Tolerance” rule gave referees the ability to call technical fouls when players heatedly complained about calls made against them.

3. “Leave your gun at home” clause: On October 25, 2006, Commissioner Stern said that he “would prefer his players leave their firearms behind when they go out.”[2] “It’s a…widely accepted statistic that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically…although you’ll read [about] players saying how they feel safer with guns [when] in fact those guns actually make them less safe. And it’s a real issue.” To be clear, however, this policy was simply suggested by Stern, and the outcome of this suggestion is yet to be determined.

Things Commissioner Stern has done correctly:

In the broadest sense, Commissioner Stern has done several things correctly. Most importantly, he did not skirt the issues that were presented to him. With advice from his colleagues, Stern took immediate action on several key issues that were consistently being addressed by media analysts and fans. Had he waited to make decisions on any of these important issues, the most probable result would have been increased backlash from his constituents and stakeholders.

Secondly, Stern upheld his policies with the best interest of all involved stakeholders in mind. Stern realized he was losing trust from all three key stakeholder groups—players lamented the rising brutality of the sport, analysts were questioning Stern’s ability to remanufacture and remarket the NBA’s image, and the fans were becoming discouraged by the lack of respect players had for the game and its traditions. Stern moved forward with new policies and procedures that he thought would make a direct and immediate impact on the respect and tradition of the sport itself, the league’s overall image, and the safety of all his players.

In addition to instant product improvement, Stern cemented what many believe is his legacy in the sport of professional basketball by instituting policies that extended the league’s profitability by close to 18 percent in two years – from $43.87 million in the 2004-05 season to what’s projected to be more than $53.13 million in the 2006-07 season.[3]

Analysts’ images of the NBA were also affected by Stern’s quick reaction to these crises. By directly confronting the widespread problems of appearance, violence, and disrespect, analysts had no choice but to retract their previous sentiments about Sterns’ inability to influence league-wide changes in those three categories, shortening the media’s opportunity. Stern’s swift and staunch policy-making gave the NBA new credibility, and public faith was renewed as higher expectations, individual responsibility, and team cohesion once again were becoming the norm.
It must be pointed out that Stern’s actions also served to protect his own reputation. The role of commissioner is unique—when Stern makes decisions about league policy, he is his own public affairs representation. He answers questions about policy changes or new procedures directly from the media—in a sense, this makes Stern his own public relations tactician. The results of his actions ultimately affect his own credibility and trust in the eyes of his players, the media, and the fans. Since Stern is so deliberate in taking responsibility for those actions, the scrutiny that follows is his own, and he is quick to either defend his position, as he has with the dress code, the “no-tolerance” rule, and the “leave your gun at home” clause; or admit his mistake, as he did by reinstituting leather balls in 2007 after a brief experiment with microfiber balls earlier in the season, saying the league should have sought more input from players before introducing the new ball. He continued by saying he would address the players’ criticisms with Spalding, the manufacturer.[4]
Lastly, and most importantly, is the reaction from the fans to the policies and procedures that Stern has put in place. As the major consumer of all things NBA, Stern is obligated to deliver those fans a decent product. When that product is professional-level basketball, three ideals become paramount: it must be embedded with tradition, surrounded in integrity, and steeped in standards of behavior that all players must meet. By protecting and preserving the current and future image and profitability of his product with the policies he’s set forth, Stern has proven that his public relations tactics have the high-caliber efficiency needed to be successful in a world market. His commitment to the fans of the league, coupled with his dedication to the values of safety and responsibility, has restored his credibility among several important stakeholders.

Issues:

Naturally, the good is often counteracted by the bad, and in the case of Commissioner Stern’s league image overhaul, several points of contention have made their way to the headlines. The most damaging, of course, are the complaints from several of his players, independent analysts, and investigative fans that the newly-adopted policies are meant to eradicate what players and the media have coined “basketball’s hip-hop culture.” In essence, many of the efforts Stern has initiated have met with harsh criticisms of the league’s purported racial profiling. The backlash from such an accusation is not easily brushed aside. Though arguments can be made that race isn’t a key element in defining who fits the category of “hip-hop community member,” there are pundits who reason that these policies were put in place for the 73 percent of NBA players who are African-American. Many people in the sports community were hurt and angered that Stern had the authority to control such culturally-affiliated items such as do-rags, large pendant necklaces, and Timberland boots. Stern made a point to identify non-black league players who also wore such hip-hop ensembles, such as Jason Kidd, but his efforts went unnoticed because of the small percentage of non-ethnic players in the league who could be categorized as a member of the “hip-hop” community His strategies to incorporate a business-like appearance and to reduce the possibilities of injury or criminal activity with a gun-control clause were seen as prejudiced and inappropriate, especially for a league in which the majority of players fit the description of what Stern set forth to eliminate.
David Steele, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, noted that the policy change “carries an undercurrent of bias that runs along racial, cultural and generational lines. ... Inevitably… [this] devolves into a commentary on tattoos, cornrows, marijuana use, stretch limos, rap music and unwed fatherhood. Even when the quality of play itself remains the topic, buzzwords that sound painfully familiar crop up: undisciplined, poor work ethic, bad fundamentals, unintelligent play, lack of character, out of control.”[5]
Players also have critiqued Stern’s policies. NBA stars Allen Iverson, Stephen Jackson, and Paul Pierce were adamant that a dress code policy has no effect on character. (“They’re targeting guys who dress like me, guys who dress hip-hop. Put a murderer in a suit and he’s still a murderer,” Iverson was quoted as saying. “Associating hip-hop…with crime or a bad image is racist.”) In addition, sports figures beyond basketball have noted that the NBA targets young, black males, and to deny the league access to the objects stereotypically belonging to the market it targets is completely unethical, especially when the NBA exploits players to its benefit if it suits them.
Analyst backlash has also been an issue. In efforts to prove that the NBA is marketable to a wide variety of cultures, recent NBA All-Star game halftime musicians have included the likes of Gwen Stefani and Big & Rich—performances which former All-Star player-turned-analyst Charles Barkley has publicly ridiculed. In addition, ESPN contributor Jemele Hill thinks that Stern “has the NBA pointed in an elitist direction,” comparing today’s NBA to “a post 9/11 era -- full of fear, worry, paranoia and hysteria.
“It's so frustrating to watch the NBA police itself to death and try to control things it can't,” she continues. “People who believe the NBA is full of thugs will think that way no matter what. The NBA could play Paul Anka at every arena, ban rappers from NBA games, enforce haircuts and short shorts, but that isn't going to stop hip-hop fans from loving the game. If anything, the NBA’s [current] tactics are only heightening the perception that the league is full of thugs.”[6]

Did what Stern do work?

Fortunately, we can break this down into numbers, making the comparison between “pre-Stern mandates” and “post-Stern mandates,” as follows:

Highest Total NBA Regular Season Attendance[7]

1. 2005-06          21,595,804

2. 2004-05          21,296,497

3. 1995-96          20,513,218

4. 1997-98          20,373,079

5. 1996-97          20,304,629

6. 2003-04          20,272,195

7. 2001-02          20,181,131

8. 2002-03          20,074,369

9. 1999-00          20,058,513

10. 2000-01        19,955,981

As noted in the above chart, regular season attendance has increased by more than 1.3 million people. From that, we can gather that Stern’s tactics did work—in the short-term. A question remains, however: despite the short-term attendance increases, should the NBA also expect to see dividends in the future based on the procedures and policies recently set in place by Commissioner Stern? Unfortunately, we can’t know at this time. Players, analysts and fans have offered different yet equally-gripping testimonials with regard to both the positives and negatives surrounding Stern’s decisions. Perhaps we have yet to see the final outcome, but for now Stern’s decisions have had a markedly encouraging outcome for the whole of professional basketball.

Things that could have been done better/differently:

As stated previously, Commissioner Stern’s commitment to changing the image of the NBA has yielded some positive results. Even so, I believe there are elements of his decision-making that may have garnered even more affirmative outcomes. Inexplicably, almost, Stern seemingly turned his back on his player union’s largest demographic and, presumably, largest fan base—African-American males. With what could be described as a blatant disregard for the players he mandates, Stern may have been better off to research what type of impact such decisions would make in the league he oversees. In all elements of public relations planning, research is the first step, preceding action in all models. Though a positive move, it seems that Commissioner Stern may have acted in haste by deciding on these issues without having his colleagues gather the necessary information and feedback he’d need to truly ensure that everyone’s best interests were being served.

Even now, Stern has the option to review the decisions he’s already made, and to evaluate the outcomes of those decisions more thoroughly before pressing on with other initiatives. Again, since public relations revolves around two key components—research and evaluation— Commissioner Stern may benefit from revisiting his decisions and the reasons he initially made them, while also weighing the benefits of those decisions through extensive evaluation. By doing so, the product he offers to players, analysts, and fans alike can improve even further.

[1] Information gathered from http://www.nba.com/nba101/david_j_stern_bio.html

[2]Associated Press, “Stern to players: Leave your guns at home,” MSNBC, 2006.

<http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15419993 >

[3] Inside Hoops, “NBA Salary Cap,” Inside Hoops, 2006.
<http://www.insidehoops.com/nba-salary-cap.shtml>

[4] Associated Press, “New year will bring back old ball in NBA,” MSNBC, 2006.

<http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16158180/>

[5] Steele, David, “Plenty of game left,” San Francisco Chronicle, 2004.
<http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2004/04/17/SPGLB66LRR1.DTL>

[6] Jemele Hill, “Stern has the NBA pointed in an elitist direction,” ESPN, 2006.
<http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/070321&sportCat=nba>

[7] Information taken from http://www.insidehoops.com/attendance.shtml

The only other things I have to add are:

1. Eddie Curry is a useless piece of meat on the basketball court. Here's an official "LOL" to the New York Knick's organization.

"...and they almost got free hamburgers."

2. It's painful to watch Lou Pinella, once full of piss and vinegar, slowly lose his fire and passion for the game of baseball. He either needs to throw a base into the outfield in a tyrade, or simply cut his losses and pass on to the netherworld during another corny artist's rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

and 3. Don Imus is the last person on Earth that should ever table a discussion about "bad hair."

(PEACE OUT...A-TOWN, BABY)
RHINO

The NFL Hates Pacman

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 18:14:00 +0000

This afternoon the NFL announced Pacman Jones, Tennessee's troubled Defensive Back will serve a SEASON LONG suspension for numerous violations of the Leagues Personal Conduct Policy.

Last season Jones was questioned 10 times by police, most recently in an altercation outside a Las Vegas Strip Club on NBA All-Star weekend which left one person shot and paralyzed.

"It is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said announcing the suspension of Jones ALONG with the Bengals Chris Henry.

Henry, who was arrested four times in 14 months and has been a feature story here at the MAMQB many times, was handed a 8 game suspension.

Both suspensions were fully supported by the player's teams.

MLB Week One Recap..

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 11:21:00 +0000

What do Sco-Jo's semi exposed CANNONS have to do with sports??? I guess it was the socks, they make the photo artistic, and kind sporty. Right?

It’s been freezing cold and even snowing in multiple baseball towns across the nation. Maybe the folks at MLB could roll back opening day a few weeks? Let’s start the season out on March 1st…at, say, Lambeau field.

The Braves have the best record in baseball. (5-1)

Ben Sheets of Milwaukee opened the season with a 2-hit complete game. Yes, I said of MILWAUKEE.

The Yanks Hideki Matsui pulled a hammy fielding a grounder and was placed on the 15 day DL.

Albert Pujols hit the first of many homers to come this season in a 10-1 route of the Astros.

The Cubs will be officially FOR SALE at the end of the season. Some moron is going to pay big bucks to be the proud owner of a team destined for another hundred years of losing baseball.

The Washington Nationals REALLY, REALLY SUCK.

It's OPENING DAY!!!!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 11:55:00 +0000

What does Rachel Bilson's sweet, sweet ass have to do with baseball? Nothin' at all, but it is something else I really enjoy and would like to see 162 times a year.

Today's the start of it all, when the boys take the field in ball parks around the country, dreams of World Series glory will infect everyone from young boys watching at home to old men reminiscing of players past. And for the millions of Cub fans, another year of pain, remorse, suffering, and confusion.

Ahhh, the boys of summer are back (no, not the ones from that lame ass Don Henly song either) for another year.

PLAY BALLLLLLL!

Congrats to West VIRGINA???

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 19:25:00 +0000

Who the fuck designed these shirts?

MAMQB Writer Guy Monaco cannot be reached for questioning and has become the #1 suspect in the case....

It's the Time of the Seeeeeeason for .....

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 10:48:00 +0000

First off, I'll be the first to admit it, we let you down. Our coverage of the whole NCAA Tourney has been shitty. But, in self defence, so has the tournament. A Final 4 in which a No. 1 plays a No. 2, ON EACH SIDE OF THE BRACKET? Booooooring.

So with that in mind, I say we just give Florida the Championship, mainly because they've got some ultra fine rah-rah's, like the one pictured below.

Now with College Basketball out of the way, we can talk about the important stuff. Baseball starts next week. Thank god. The NBA sucks for a few more weeks, the NHL is a joke (read last week that UFC, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, has now surpassed the entire NHL in revenue. Nice job Original 6), and the pain from the Super Bowl is just starting to wear off.

The only thing that could save me from sporting depression is baseball. Next week players from around the country will board team chartered jets with their bags packed, leaving behind the sun drenched ladies commonly found in or around the Cactus or Pineapple League cities, and head to their respective home cities to start the long, grueling season.

I won't get into major predictions yet, but I will leave ya with this tasty nugg...The Cubs, with a severe pitching shortage, will win no more that 85 games this season.

First Weekend Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 20:19:00 +0000

OK, so I have egg on my face. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that I did pick the VCU and Winthrop upsets, and I was right when I said the Nevada-Creighton game would be the best game of the first round, which it was since it was the only OT game that round. And my Salukis are still alive, so I really don't give a fuck if all my other predictions are wrong.

Well, maybe I wish one prediction would have come true: I wish Kansas would have fallen to Kentucky. Now SIU has to play the Jayhawks, and that makes me nervous. Not that my opinion of Bill Self's coaching abilities, or lack thereof, has changed. I just fear that he has recruited such a great squad that even he can't fuck this one up. I hope I am wrong though. Hopefully SIU's defense fucks with Self's head so bad that he has a nervous breakdown. I don't see it happening though.

All I heard today was how the committee got it right this time: no double digit seeds in the Sweet 16, and the sum of all the seeds left is 51, which is the lowest it has been since 1995 when it was also 51 (the lowest it can be is 40, the lowest it has ever been is 50 in 1989, and the average is around 70). Well, I heard about that, and the fact that Illinois choked. Yeah, they blew a double digit lead, but I wouldn't say that they choked as bad as Wisconsin, who was ranked #1 just 3 weeks ago and got bounced yesterday by UNLV. And they looked like absolute dogshit in their first round game.

I also was wrong about Memphis. I still don't understand why they got the seeding they did with the conference they play in, but they beat Nevada, who I thought would run away and hide from Memphis. They're good, but I don't see them going to the Final Four. I've been wrong before though.

Then there's Texas. I drank the Longhorn Kool-Aid, had them in my Final Four. It was nice to hear Kevin Durant after the game say that he regrets not playing harder this whole season. Now, he did have 30 points in their loss, but for him to say that is just stupid. To hear the oafs at the Boo-Yah Network try to defend his remarks and say that he "didn't mean it that way" was even more ridiculous. He meant it, and I think Greg Oden should be thanking him now, because I think that may be in the back of the minds of whatever team holds the #1 pick this year and they will probably opt for Oden.

Speaking of the neaderthal looking phenom who dons a Buckeyes uniform, I only heard a few people actually mention what my buddies and I were saying at the end of regulation of the OSU-Xavier game: The Muskateers got fucked. Yeah, they missed the free throw to seal the game. And yeah, they should have fouled rather than let OSU shoot that 3 to tie it, but if Oden's final foul was not flagrant then I don't know what is. He came up and shoved the guy. Xavier should have gotten the ball after the missed free throw. Although I have OSU in the final game in my bracket, or what's left of my bracket, I wanted to see the upset. After all, thats the charm of March Madness.

Had OSU lost, the Big Ten would have 0 teams in the Sweet Sixteen. As it stands they have one out of 6 that entered the tournament. Same with the ACC. Same amount of bids as the Valley. Same as the Mountain West. Same as the Horizon League. Just more support for an argument that more mid-major teams should be let in with at large bids instead of rewarding the lower teams of the so called power conferences.

No Illiniwek, No Second Round.

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 13:00:00 +0000

Illinois was hoping for some 12 vs. 5 mojo Friday night, and for 2/3 of a basketball game, they had it. With five minutes left on the clock, the Fighting Illini had a ten point lead and things were looking good for Bruce Weber & Co.

But like a broken down coke slut on the receiving end of a Johnny Holmes dome shot, Illinois choked.

The Fighting Illini did not score in the final 4:25 of regulation, watching their hopes and dreams of March Magic crumble before their very eyes.

End result: Virginia Tech 54, Illinois 52

The Hokies will move onto round two and face Weber’s former team, the Salukis of Southern Illinois. I for one was hoping Illinois would hold on and win, just so I could see them sent home on Sunday by SIU.

Instead, Weber heads back to his office in Champaign today to put the pieces together. Coach, here are a few tips for next season…

1. Establish a go-to man. Down the stretch, your team does not have a clutch shooter. With 10 seconds left on the clock, whose number are you calling?

2. Get your house in order. Your guys are turning into the Cincinnati Bengals of the NCAA.

3. Bring back Illiniwek. Tell Miles Brand, Chief Running Water, and anyone else who has a problem with him to suck a fat one and get that goofy bastard back on the court.

Lance Briggs = Giant Douche

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:54:00 +0000

Lance Briggs is a dumb fuck. Yup, I said it. And the vulgarities are necessary. I’d call him retarded but that would do injustice to the millions of people who had no say in the process of life that rendered them, well, retarded.

So I’ll stick with Dumb Fuck. It works better for our purposes here.

To recap: After a Super Bowl losing season the Bears began negotiations with Briggs, 26-year-old OLB who was originally signed for $725,000 over four seasons. Negotiations broke down quickly when Briggs rejected a reported 6 year, $33M deal.

The Bears eventually slapped the “Franchise Tag” on him guaranteeing Briggs to be paid the average annual salary of the top five players at his position, which comes to a c-hair over $7.2M for the 2007 NFL season. (FYI-that’s a 1,000% increase in pay in one year. My last raise…2.5%)

Things were quiet for a few days. Then, Briggs came forward publicly stating the Bears should remove the franchise tag or trade him. He even went another step further in an interview on WSCR670, saying he would do everything within his power to leave the Bears.

And early this week Briggs spoke up again, this time insisting he’s done with the Bears and stated he would rather sit out and take out loans to pay his expenses than take the field in 2007.

"I've played my last snap for them. I'll never play another down for Chicago again."

And the whole time Lance was sure to be clear it wasn’t about the money.

Well Lance, here’s a little lesson in MONEY…

The Bears could slap the franchise tag on you for the next two seasons. You’d end up with around $15M. Then, after six seasons in the NFL, move the hell on, get that signing bonus and be done. (Joey Porter got $32M for 5 years with $20M guaranteed this off season. And I got news for ya, you’re not Joey Porter)

$15M for the next two seasons is a fuck of a lot better than $0 over the next two tax years, isn’t it Lance?

If I were Jerry Angelo, I’d let this dumb fuck sit out this season and slap the franchise tag on him again next season, just to prove a point.

More Madness!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 20:36:00 +0000

I'd like to first make another comment on Syracuse not getting in: I'm sick and tired of Jim Boeheim lobbying to expand the tournament. The thought of that is ridiculous. So you expand it to 128 teams, then what? There will still be people bitching about their team not getting in. The format is perfect the way it is, leave it alone!

Tonight is the Play in game, oh, I'm sorry it is now referred to as the Opening Round (have to be politically correct here!). Who cares about this game? Nobody. They should do away with it. Or, they should have the last two bubble teams to get in play in it, not two teams who did what was asked of them by winning their conference tournament. Just another way the selection committee sticks it to the little guy.

Anyway.....

EAST

North Carolina gets the #1 seed here, and they deserve it. They have a young, talent laiden team and have one of the premier coaches in basketball. They should have no problem getting past the first round, but the path after that gets a little harder.

UNC will play the winner of the 8-9 matchup between Michigan State and Marquette two quality programs who are having down years. This is another matchup between student and teacher, as Marquette coach Tom Crean was a longtime assistant under MSU coach Tom Izzo. Both coaches have Final Four experience. MSU has a very young team, but I don't know if there is a better coach come tourny time than Izzo. I think MSU will win here and give UNC a run for their money, but in the end the Tarheels will prevail.

The 5-12 matchup pits USC vs. Arkansas. No upset here. Arkansas should be playing in the NIT, not this tournament. Look for Tim Floyd and Co. to blow the Razorbacks out.

The 4-13 matchup has Texas vs. New Mexico State. The Longhorns have the most exciting player in basketball in Kevin Durant. This guy is a stud, one who could carry his team a long way ala Carmello Anthony did a few years with Syracuse. New Mexicao State is no slouch though. Coach Reggie Theius has this program heading in the right direction. I just think Durant will be too much for them to handle though. I will go as far as to say Texas will knock off USC in the next round too.

#6 Vanderbuilt against #11 George Washington. GW is another underrated team and I think they will pull off the upset and send the Commodores home early.

Washington State vs. Oral Roberts. Reminds me of a joke: What do you call two gay guys named Bob? Oral Roberts. Washington State has a great team this year and should have no problem making it to the Sweet 16.

#7 Boston College vs. #10 Texas Tech. Upset here as the winningest coach in college basketball will chalk up another victory and move on to the second round. Air General shouldn't be choking any of his players during this one as the Red Raiders pull off the upset.

That means Texas Tech will play the toast of the Big East, Georgetown. Its the second coming of the Georgetown Dynasty of the 80's: John Thompson III takes over where his dad left off, and Patrick Ewing Jr., who is a different type of player than his dad was (and looks more like a human and less like a star of those Geico commercials than his dad does) make people wax nostalgic of the great Hoyas teams of past. Look for them to go to the Elite Eight.

Coming out of this region I see Kevin Durant take all his anger out on his foes after losing a heartbreaker to Kansas in the Big XII Championship, disposing of UNC and Georgetown along the way.

SOUTH

I think the easiest road for a #1 seed is paved in the South. There Big Ten champion and #1 ranked team Ohio State should go all the way with ease. Yet another young team, most of their players will probably be lottery picks in this June's NBA draft. If not for the new rule of having to spend 1 year in college before going pro this team would be average. But coach Thad Motta rolled the dice for one year here and it should pay off. Greg Oden, who outside the aforementioned Durant is the best player in the game, is just now getting back to normal after an early season wrist injury sidelined him for awhile. In the second round they will play the winner of BYU vs. Xavier. Look for the X Men to win and set up an in state matchup with the Buckeyes where OSU will put on a show.

The 5-12 matchup is Tennessee vs. Long Beach State. Let me first state this: For the second year in a row Tennessee got a gift when it came to seeding. Bruce Pearl is known for openly lobbying with the selection committee and it must be paying off. I'm taking Tennessee here, but that is just because I am not too keen on Long Beach State. I wouldn't be the least bit suprised if there was another 5-12 upset here though. Let's just hope Vols Women's coach Pat Summitt doesn't dress in a cheerleader outfit again, or, worse yet, come out and strip at center court.

Whoever wins there plays the winner of Virginia vs. Albany. Out of the four #4 seeds I think Virginia is the weakest. Albany is definitely a sleeper, but as a safe pick I'm taking Virginia. Whoever wins this game should beat the winner of Tennessee/LBS.

Louisville vs. Stanford. Louisville. Pitino. Playing a team that should not be in the tourny. Louisville kicks the shit out of them.

Texas A & M vs. Penn. Do I even have to go through this one? Acie Law IV is a stud. A&M is vastly underrated. They are playing an Ivy League team. Bye bye Penn.

Nevada vs. Creighton. I love both teams. The Wolfpack went 25-4 and are a # 7 seed? The Bluejays won the Missouri Valley Tournament (#5 conference RPI, in front of the Big XII and fractions of a point behind the Big East, so don't try and use the weak conference arguement this year with them), were in the hunt until the last week of the season for the regular season title, and they are a 10 seed? Nick Fazekas vs. Nate Funk, and Creighton's big man Anthony Tolliver is no slouch either. This will be a can't miss game to watch. This one will go down to the wire, but I think Creighton will eek out the win.

Finally there is Memphis. They got the #2 seed. I wonder who John Calipari had to blow to get that. Sure, they went 30-3 and won their conference tournament, but they play in Conference USA. That used to be one of the premier conferences up until a couple of years ago when the Big East took all of the talented schools such as Marquette, Cincinnati, DePaul, and Louisville. Memphis was smart: they knew they would have free reign over a highly inept conference. I just don't understand how Nevada gets a #7 seed and Memphis gets a #2 seed. Nevada had one more loss, but I challenge anybody to try to prove to me that the WAC is not a highly superior conference over the one that Memphis plays in. Anyway, Memphis should beat North Texas, but who knows? I think North Texas is actually better than any of the teams in Conference USA, so anything could happen. All I know is John Calipari's hummers can't save his ass in the second round where he will lose badly to the winner of the Creighton/Nevada game.

I see a Texas A&M vs. Ohio State showdown in the Elite Eight, with the Buckeyes ending the Aggies dream.

FINAL FOUR

Florida, UCLA, Texas, and Ohio State. There will be a repeat of the football National Championship game with Florida causing even more problems for Ohio State and defending their crown.

Madness!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 20:28:00 +0000

Ahh, my favorite time of the year: March Madness. A time when Cinderella can have a glimpse of the slipper for one night. All it takes is one odd bounce of the ball in either direction to keep one team's season alive and end another's. Being the College Basketball buff that I am I figured I'd throw my two cents out there now on this year's tournament.

First, let's look at who got in and who was left out. Of course there is Syracuse. Heard about them all day, heard their coach crying about it all day. I have no sympathy for them. Yes, they probably should have been in instead of a few other teams, but how many teams from the Big East should go? Fuck 'em, they should have taken care of business. If they had a similar record and did not play in the Big East you would not hear one person crying for them.

Air Force. They should be there. Good record, decent Mid Major Conference, and they beat Texas Tech, UNLV, and Stanford, who are all in.

Drexel should also be there. Contrary to what the selection committee (and Billy "Fudge" Packer) believes, America wants to see more Mid Majors in there. The biggest charm to the tournament is the David defeats Goliath games. I know: How many teams from the Colonial Athletic Conference should be there? Well, this year the answer is three: Va Commonwealth (they won the automatic bid), Drexel, and Old Dominion, since they beat Drexel twice.

The biggest snub, and they got snubbed for the second year in a row, was Missouri State. #36 RPI. Their conference (Missouri Valley) is #6 RPI. One of only 3 teams to beat Wisconsin. They should be there.

On a side note, Akron got completely fucked. They lost on a last second three pointer in their conference championship game, got snubbed by the selection committee, then was not invited to the NIT. Horrible.

Now, who should not be in: Arkansas. Mediocre team. Biggest win is an overtime last second victory over Southern Illinois.

Illinois. Another mediocre team. More off-court problems than the Cincinnati Bengals.

Stanford. Year after year they get undeserved credit. In years past they have rolled through a weak PAC 10, been the toast of college basketball, then got bounced in the second round. I hate Stanford, but I love when they are in the tourny just because there are always idiots in the pools i'm in that pick them to go far and their brackets get fucked by this highly overrated school. Well, this year the PAC 10 is great and Stanford's true colors have shown. They do not deserve to be here.

I've read arguments that Duke doesn't belong in the tourny either. This is completely false. Look, they had a bad season by DUKE STANDARDS, but by everyone else's standards they had a good year. If this is their down year then they have a pretty good program. I'm not a Duke fan or a coach K fan, but you have to respect the program that's been built there and they deserve to be in the tournament. What they don't deserve is a #6 seed.
They got that on their reputation alone. They should have been in the 8-10 range.

Lets break down the regions now:

MIDWEST

Florida is the defending champs, the SEC champs, and the #1 seed here. They are for real, and I see no reason why they should not go all the way again. Sure, they hit a little skid at the end of the regular season, but they did that last year too before they won it all. They are tough and have plenty of experience. They should have no problem at least making the Final Four.

The most intriguing first round matchup is the oh so famous 5-12 game where Cinderella usually comes from. Here we have Butler vs. Old Dominion. Butler was great in the beginning of the year, but they have faltered toward the end. I don't think they deserve a #5 seed, but I'm not greatly opposed to them getting it. ODU is for real. They are scrappy and tough. I'm taking Old Dominion getting to the second round.

There is also the 6-11 matchup between Notre Dame and Winthrop. The Fighting Irish better be prepared for a battle here. The committee fucked up: Winthrop should be seeded a few slots higher. Another upset here: I'm taking Winthrop. The Midwest also has Oregon as a #3 seed. Oregon is tough, and I look for them to knock off Wisconsin and make it to the Elite Eight, but lose to Florida there.

The 7-10 game is UNLV vs. Georgia Tech. UNLV is another sleeper. They should beat the Yellowjackets, and I wouldn't be surprised if they upset Wisconsin in the second round.
Lon Krueger is a hell of a coach and he has a hell of a team, even though nobody gives them much respect.

WEST

Kansas got their #1 seed, so for once a Bill Self squad should not get bounced in the first round. There's no doubt about it: this team has talent. Talent wise they may be the best team in the tourny. That being said I don't see them getting past the Sweet 16. Hell, I'll be suprised if they get past the second round. Here's the facts: They've had this same team the last 2 years and have not made it out of the first round. A couple of years ago Self left Illinois for greener pastures and his predecessor took the team he built to the final game. Self is a hell of a recruiter, one of the best. But he couldn't coach this team through six rounds of the Special Olympics Tournament. He is not an x's and o's guy. And the committee played a cruel joke on him with the path that they are making this coaching oaf blaze through.

The 8-9 game is between Villanova and Kentucky. Two major schools, one who has a good history in the tournament and the other has the best history in college basketball. Kentucky is like Duke: they are having a bad year by KENTUCKY STANDARDS. They still have a good team. I think they will beat Villanova, but I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see Nova win either. Here's the good part though: The winner of this game takes on Kansas in the second round, and should beat the everloving shit out of the Jayhawks.

The 5-12 game: Illinois vs. Va Tech. Now, I know I said that Illinois should not be there, but I am not really sold on Va Tech. Plus, Bruce Weber is the complete opposite of Bill Self: couldn't recruit bluechippers even if he offered all the free guns and blow they wanted, but he gets the most out of his teams. He's and x's and o's genius. I think we may have another 5-12 upset here, but I wouldn't bet any money on it.

The 4-13 game pits Southern Illinois (my alma mater, but I am trying to be objective here) against Holy Cross. SIU has a blistering defense that will take teams by surprise and I don't think Holy Cross has seen anything like this, so SIU should move on to the first round. Their second round matchup is where I get nervous. The Salukis beat Va Tech early in the year, but I think that just prepares the Hokies more for that defense. And if they play Illinois then they are playing coach Chris Lowery's mentor, which means that Weber could have the upper hand in game planning. I think SIU should make it to the sweet 16, but I am not sold on it yet. All I know is whoever wins here will most likely make it to the Elite Eight.

6-11. Duke vs VCU. The CAA got snubbed, Duke got more love than they deserve. I'm taking VCU in an upset.

Pitt vs. Wright State. Pitt. Thats all I can say. Pitt.

Indiana vs. Gonzaga. The Zags aren't Cinderella anymore. Their big man likes the gonja more than buckets. Indiana will win.

UCLA will win the first round, then dispose of Indiana. They will then play Pitt, and this could be the best game of the Tourny. UCLA is good, Pitt is highly underrated. UCLA has the Final Four experience from last year, and coach Ben Howland will be facing his former team and former assistant coach Jamie Dixon. I think UCLA will squeek this one out, then win in the Elite Eight and return to the Final Four.

Tomorrow we'll look at the other side of the bracket.

Pokey Chatman in trouble for Poking, Chatting up (not a) Man on her own team

noreply@blogger.com (Rhino) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 17:40:00 +0000

Pokey Chatman called it quits, resigning as Louisiana State's head women's basketball coach two days ago after the university sniffed out something fishy...perhaps literally.

Pokey was busted by University officials for allegedly engaging in an inappropriate sexual relationship with a former Tigress she used to coach.

Chatman went 90-14 as LSU's head coach, while simultaneously going 1-0 as an infiltrator of 20-year old college hoo-ha.

Dana "Pokey" Chatman (left) is seen here in a rare
non-lesbian moment coaxing wood into an upright
and firm position. The LSU head women's
basketball coach resigned after it was revealed
that she became sexually involved with a former
LSU Lady Tiger that played under her during
her tenure as coach.

Seriously, some women need to just keep it in their pants.

...or keep them in their blouses -- whatever it is lesbian basketball coaches need to do to act appropriately with their female athletes. Between Pat Summitt dressing up like a Volunteer cheerleader and topping the world's most fallible human pyramid and Pokey Chatman getting caught with her hand in her player's honeypot, I'm just waiting for the next big thing to happen in NCAA women's basketball that I can comment on.

They say these types of things "come in threes," but the AP article states that Pokey was only involved with one former athlete, which may nullify the cliche (and my unexplainable fantasy) entirely.

Miami Horror-canes get new coach, better chance at decent lives

noreply@blogger.com (Rhino) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 17:24:00 +0000

Randy Shannon was announced as the Hurricanes new coach in January. Perhaps now the 'Canes won't be known as the Bengals' farm system.

Shannon's new attitude is of the "shape up or ship out" variety. Let's all thank the Lord for that.

His new rules include:

Any player caught with a gun is off the team and dismissed from the University
Players must wait two years before moving off-campus
Players must maintain a 2.5 grade-point average to stay in the program

"Zero tolerance," Shannon told reporters Monday, as spring practice started for the Hurricanes. "You get caught with a firearm, you get dismissed from the university."

It's good to see but facts are facts: Someone should have done this before senior defender Bryan Pata was shot to death outside his apartment. It should have been done before the 'Canes got into a helmet-whipping contest with Florida International at the Orange Bowl. It should have been done before the Hurricanes went 7-6 and 3-5 in the ACC. It should have been done after the infamous "7th Floor Crew" released a song about "raping bitches" that most certainly was not done tongue-in-cheek.

Miami's been on the decline for years, and I must admit as a Hurricane-hater I enjoyed watching the ridiculousness unfold. Though I am twistedly sad to see the end of the chicanery. However, I'm very happy that the program seems to now to be heading back in the right direction, because there's way more than getting national attention and conference records at stake with some of these kids.

Just ask Jeanette Pata.

Prior, Wood, and Lilly: The trifecta of degeneration

noreply@blogger.com (Rhino) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 16:57:00 +0000

About the only thing Mark Prior
and Kerry Wood can do with a baseball
anymore is sign it.

Mark Prior, time to put on your big boy pants. The days of being diapered by a sullen group of Cubs starters are over. Kerry Wood can’t mentor you from the Wrigley “bullpen”...even though the 70 feet of unprotected grass along the outfield stripes is certainly within yelling distance.

Yep, it’s time to earn your keep. Look, Mr. 26-year-old “phenom,” you were paid $3.65 million last season for a whopping nine starts (inning only one of them, might I add). That’s over $405,000 per game for your brilliant 7.21 season average ERA.

I have no praise for you, Mark. None. Ask me why.

I’ll tell you why…because other Cubs wounded ducks (read: Kerry Wood) at least WANT to pitch. Wood is legitimately upset that he may never be a starter again. Granted, he gave up a salami yesterday (with a few strikeouts to boot) in relief work. But you know why we tolerate him and hate you? Because you don’t give a rat’s ass where you are, so long as you’re getting paid. The “C” on your red and blue cap may as well stand for “criminal.” You’ve stolen the hearts of the Cubs faithful only to trample us undercleat.

I wish I could show up to work, complain about some carpal tunnel, and get sent to a temp job making the same money I do full-time.

Keeping you and Wood on the roster has once again buried the symbolic head on the body of work that is Cubs ownership deep in its own ass. Signing Ted Lilly for a ridiculous amount of money is somehow the equivalent of sticking out your tongue while your head is up there, just to savor the taste of all those other shitty decisions.

Cubs fans are idiots for their loyalty, and I can say that because I am one. I hate us more than those bastard White Sox right now, and that’s saying a lot.

Outside of pitching, the Cubs are good…on paper. Lee’s back in the lineup, and Soriano will add some slugging percentage to the front end. Ramirez is solid in the dirt, and we own quality behind the plate as well. There’s a good chance we’ll win more than 50 percent of our games.

That’s not my “official” Cubs prediction this year, though. I only really have one prediction for the 2007 Cubs season:

Lou Pinella will have a heart attack in the dugout sometime before the All-Star break within minutes of beating the living hell out of Larry Rothchild.

NEWSFLASH: Women Have no Sense of Direction

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 12:43:00 +0000

AP is reporting that a 61-year-old ROOKIE Musher in the Alaskan Iditarod has made a wrong turn and has been spotted some 19 miles off course after completing a quarter of the 1100 mile dog sled race.

"Fuck this, I'm taking a nap. She's lost...again..."

After failing to make it to a checkpoint, searchers were sent out on snowmobile and by air to locate Deborah Bicknell. She was spotted on a trail utilized in years past, some 19 miles off course. Officials said they could disqualify her, but will let her press on if she makes it back to the next checkpoint.

Tom Brady: Gizzmaster

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 03:13:00 +0000

Tom has cum through in the clutch again...Rumors have been swirling all day that Mr. Brady has spread his super spunk once again...this time supposedly impregnating Gisele.

Tom, NEWSFLASH: You can have SEX without procreating. Buy a rubber...or two. It's evident you have some sort of SUPER SPERM, so cage it up kid.

Not to mention you keep adding to your already insane "what have you done with your life?" factor that makes us regular fella feel useless. Let's see...3 Super Bowl Rings and 2 Super Bowl MVP Titles before your 28th birthday. The list of woman who have been in your bed is longer than the entire Cincinatti Bengals rap sheet. And now it appears you've dropped your super human seed on not only uber-hot Bridget Moynhan but also the hottest model on the planet, Gisele.

Thanks for making me feel good about myself, AGAIN, Tom....

NEWSFLASH: HGH Makes You a Racist Prick.

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 11:47:00 +0000

John "White Power" Rocker is back in the news. Seven years after his revealing SI interview where he slurred virtually everyone from Jews, Gays, Asians, and every group of minorities in between, Rocker has admitted to using Human Growth Hormone.

Of course, this admission comes just a day after his name was discovered on a list of clients held by a pharmaceutical company under investigation for distribution of steroids. And Rocker is maintaining it was not for personal advancement...

"That was a growth hormone that was prescribed by a doctor in relation to his rotator cuff surgery in 2003, so I don't really think there is anything to the story," said Debi Curzio, Rocker's publicist.

Then comes the Medical explanation...HGH is not typically prescribed for rotator cuff injuries. And even if it were, getting his fix from Allied Pharmacy of Mobile, Alabama, one of the companies under investigation, is just a coincidence?

Don't think so. We're going to find out a good portion of the league was juicing and this douche bag was just one of many.

Stay tuned...

Bears to Thomas Jones: "Ya know that old saying about a door and an ass?"

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 13:44:00 +0000

Halas Hall at Conway Park
1000 Football Drive
Lake Forest, Illinois 60045

From the Desk of Jerry Angelo

Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your work ethic. Thank you for the best three years of your seven year career. Thank you for your intensity, your passion for the game, and for your commitment to winning.

But in spite of all these wonderful attributes, I regret to inform you we have fulfilled your trade request. You will now be a member of the New York Jets.

Yes, the Jets. The Chad Pennington-Kellen Clemens-Patrick Ramsey Jets. The Eric Man-gina Jets. The 10-6 Jets. The Tom Brady makes you his bitch Jets.

It is unfortunate we could not come to some understanding after a Super Bowl Season. Evidently you were unhappy about our wish to move in another direction as a team, namely the Cedric Benson direction. And I know that decision may look like a foolish one from the outside, for someone not within the inner-circle who doesn’t know the grand plan for the Chicago Bears, but I guarantee it is the right move. Cedric, a #4 pick overall in the 2005 Draft, may have held out his rookie season, been plagued by injuries since he entered the league, and has been dubbed a “me” guy, but I know he’s a good fit for this organization.

Not to mention the fact that we’re simply too tight on money around here to give you what you want after your contract expires next season, especially when we’ve got ‘Ced locked up until 2010.

In closing, I would again like to thank you for your contributions to this team during your three years here. Hell, if we had a real quarterback I’d like to think we may have even won it all last season. Oh well, like the North-Siders say, “there’s always next year.”

Enjoy New Jersey, the land of garbage dumps and Tony Soprano.

Sincerely,

Jerry Angelo
Head-Mother-Fucker-In-Charge
Monsters of the Midway

Jake Plummer to Bucs: "Suck It!"

noreply@blogger.com (BigWillie) — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 12:40:00 +0000

A day after trade rumors swirled around Bronco's QB Jake Plummer, one time owner of the "I can grow mass amounts of facial hair and look like a douche bag" award (Kyle Orton of the Bears stole that crown this season), and the Tampa Bay Bucs, Plummer has said he would rather retire than play for Tampa.

I've got news for you Jake: You were never that good, and surly not good enough to decide where your team TRADES you. If your team wants to send you to the land of Beaches and Boobs, TAKE THE GIFT THEY'VE GIVEN YOU AND RETIRE. Jackass.

Ronnie Boo Hoo

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 03:22:00 +0000

Well, it's that time of year. Time for the living Baseball Hall of Famers to not let anyone into their exclusive club. While I do think it is a shame that some players that are well deserving of being in are not in yet, I am sick of perennially hearing about one thing: Ron Santo.

I can hear it already: "Well of course you don't think Ron Santo should be in. You're a Sox fan" Although I am a fan of the Southsiders, that has nothing to do with my reasonings for not letting Santo in the hall. I was happy as hell to see Ryne Sandburg let in when Joe Morgan openly lobbied to not let him in. I thought former Cub Bruce Sutter was well deserving of being let in last year. I think it is a shame that another former Cub closer Lee Smith is not in considering up until last year he was the all time saves leader. But Ronnie Boo Hoo does not get the nod from me. Here's why:

First, his constant lobbying and crying about not being in the hall. Nobody wants to hear it. He batted .277 lifetime, was 170+ homes shy of the magic number of 500, and was 700+ hits shy of 3000. His own manager Leo Durocher dubbed him as the most uncluch hitter ever, saying that he only got the hit when it didn't matter.

Second, there are already three other Cubs in the Hall from a squad that never made a postseason appearance. The other three have the stats to back up their induction, but Ronnie doesn't.

Third, the lovable Ron Santo that Cubbie Nation has embraced in recent years was not so lovable back in the day. Showboating by clicking his heels rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. I don't even think God liked it--thats why he took said heels away from poor Ron (OK I admit that was an uncalled for blow and I am an asshole for making it but it was there so I took it). I really do feel for him for all the health problems he has had in his life, but sympathy should not be a reason to get into the Hall, and he has tried to exploit that card too.

The real travesty lies in 3 other eligible players not getting in: Pitchers Jim Kaat and Bert Blylevin, and another guy that rubbed people the wrong way during his career and may be getting bitten by his old ways, Jim Rice. I challenge anyone to tell me why Santo should get in before these three.

So in two years when the committee gathers and does not give Santo the nod once again, don't act surprised and cry foul. Just look at everything he has working against him and realize that while he may have been a good player he was not Hall of Fame material.

"But I hit .277! .227!!!"