America's Favorite Dweeb Does It Again</h1> <article> <h1>America's Favorite Dweeb Does It Again</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 22 May 2013 06:30:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5WhbatiObwY/UZwmMHBmlmI/AAAAAAAAGWc/p5vavfsBB9Y/s1600/nick-gilbert-cavs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He even whispers in Comic Sans</td></tr> </tbody></table> Well, I certainly didn't anticipate writing about the NBA Draft Lottery today but here I am reveling in another dominating performance from Nick Gilbert. Unbelievable. Let's just rock out our classic bullet-point format to express my emotions of the Cavaliers getting the #1 pick for the second time in three years.<br /> <br /> *They TOTES don't deserve this. I'm a fan of teams getting rewarded with the top pick if they played hard all season and the Cavs most definitely did not. They were unwatchable for the last third of the season. The worst record was never a possibility so they were tanking for the third worst which is even more pathetic.<br /> <br /> *Nick Gilbert GUARANSHEED that he wouldn't be back next year. PLAYOFFS! The sick kid promised!<br /> <br /> *This isn't really a great year to have that pick but they said that two years ago and we ended up with a TRANSCENDENT player and a double/double machine.<br /> <br /> *Some of the idiot commenters at WFNY were actually pissed that we won the #1 pick. Never forget that Cleveland fans are tards. We are guaranteed to get the one guy that we want. There is never anything wrong with that. But who?<br /> <br /> *That's the massive question. To me, there are only two choices and they are Nerlens Noel or Otto Porter Jr. I don't think that you could go wrong with either player. Porter does everything well except get to the rim and we have other guys who can do that. He is a good defensive player, too, which I'm sure that ELITE coach Mike Brown Stains would covet.<br /> <br /> *And then there is Noel. Shit, how do you fairly judge him? I mean, he was the CLEAR #1 pick before he got hurt and now he's done through at least the first month or two of the season with that disgusting knee injury. He's an ELITE defender and rebounder but not the most polished scorer. He can't be a great player at 209 pounds though. That is a FACT. He absolutely has to get 230 on that frame just to survive but any decent STREMPH coach can put that on a world class athlete.<br /> <br /> *We also have picks #19, 32, and 33. Don't forget that. I am almost certain that we get another lottery pick to land another solid player. Philly needs a ton of help. You might be able to get their pick (11, I think) for that haul. <br /> <br /> *So what would I do if you made me pick today? Damn. It's a really tough call. I suppose that I would bring Noel in and ask him how he feels about Derrick Rose and what he did this season. If he says that he respects him then the pick is Porter. If he calls Rose a bitch then Noel is my guy and he goes straight to the weight room and daily meals at Melt. I really like both of those guys though. I don't think that we can miss. I trust that Chris Grant knows what he's doing. Gun to my head...I'm taking Nerlens but that doesn't matter because this choice is way above my pay grade.<br /> <br /> *In other news, the White Trash beat the Losedians. Or at least they're up 4-1 at the time of me saving this. Discuss that. I know that Jeff is trying to pry Jut off of my team...Bryce Harper is mighty tempting<br /> <br /> *Apparently, some teams are still playing in the NBA playoffs. We're going to get Spurs/Heat so don't worry about watching too much of these games. You should only be worried about mock drafts at this point.<br /> <br /> Believe me that I wasn't planning on writing about this today. But Nick Gilbert would just not be denied. GO CAVS! </article> <article> <h1>Get Your Debate Cups On.</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 21 May 2013 08:30:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://www.tshirtlaundry.com/assets/images/photos/Overrated10-1-2010-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> Fitting way to start this post.</div> <br /> <br /> <br /> Nothing quite like starting a blog at 11PM. WOOOOO! Get ready for some top flight journalism, fellas. I feel like a college kid again cramming for a final 7 hours before it starts. Maybe I'll get crushed on some Natural Light real quick to really authenticate this. On second thought...I've already had diarrhea twice in the past 4 days. So...<br /> <br /> With the Knicks recent impressive meltdown against the Pacers, it got me thinking. I know there were quite a few people negligently putting massive stock into the Knicks this year for completely unknown reasons. Maybe they spent too much time watching Spike Lee joints. Maybe they were born with a half a brain. Maybe they're just meat head New York fucks who still think Tiki Barber is a top 5 running back. But the rest of us knew God Damn well that the Knicks were massively OVERRATED. And that thought birthed the following last minute post. What "star athletes" are the most OVERRATED in their sport? <br /> <br /> NBA<br /> <br /> Carmelo Anthony - I can think of no better person to start with than Melo. Widely considered a superstar since his first day in the NBA, Anthony has always never been worth the risk, in my opinion. I know there are still some Piston fans butt hurt about not drafting Anthony over blond Dracula, AKA Darko Milicic...but I remain steadfast that it was the correct move. Plus, if you look at Anthony's league history it's not like he would have been in Detroit for long. On the way to work today I heard Brandon Tierney flapping his anus about the Knicks organization failing to get Melo help...and that's why they failed to live up to expectations this year. Uhhhhh, FALSE. Listen, I'm not saying that Amare Stoudemire, Ray-Tits Felton and Tyson Chandler are superstars. But they certainly aren't Drew Gooden, Larry Hughes and Titties Gibson...guys LeBron fucking carried to the NBA finals in 2007. Albeit in a fluky year when the East was especially terrible.<br /> <br /> My point is this. The problem isn't with the Knicks. The problem is with Carmelo Anthony. He isn't a team player and is one of the most selfish guys to ever play in the league. He'll take a back seat to no one and demands the ball every time down the court. It doesn't matter if he's triple teamed. That fucking rock is getting hoisted from any spot on the floor when it gets sucked into the orange and blue #7 black hole. True superstars make everyone around them better. Best example...LeBron James in 2007 even though they had the easiest road in the history of the NBA. I'll forever take jabs at that team because Tit Gibson deserves credit for nothing in life. If Carmelo was even half the player LeBron James is then he should have no problem getting a team with All-Stars and Olympic Champions to the Eastern Conference Finals at minimum. But he's a fucking ball hog with a shit attitude and probably enjoys the smell of other people's flatulence. Carmelo Anthony is OVERRATED.<br /> <br /> Derrick Rose - I used to think Rose was one of the best 5 point guards in the league. Not any more. First...for obvious reasons. He's a quitter bitch and got paid this year to lie about his knee and fiddle around with everyone's dicks while he took a 12 month vacation. I would almost applaud the hustle if he didn't turn into a throbbing cunt down the stretch when questioned about it. If you take an extended vacation after doctors clear you...expect to answer questions EVERY DAY about it. That's how shit works, brah. Sorry, Derrick. Didn't mean to cut into your golf time with Charles Barkley. Or whoever you were playing hooky with on the golf course while you were "rehabbing" your knee.<br /> <br /> Second, when your team plays as well as the Bulls did the entire year AND into the playoffs with the dumpster scraps they had, you start to question just how important Rose is to that team. And the answer is not very. Seriously, you put almost ANYONE besides NateRob at point guard (who was the 3rd string point guard, mind you!!!) and this team just might have made it a series against Miami. I mean...it was almost a series and Chicago had shit on their roster. Literally shit. I'm not saying Chicago wins the series...mainly because Carlos Boozer is a 31 year old bridge troll with adult bacne and a mouth that could fit a bowling pin sideways...I'm just saying even Kirk Hinrich brings more to the table than NateRob. Derrick Rose is OVERRATED.<br /> <br /> NFL<br /> <br /> Ben Roethlisberger - For years analysts have been shaft shining Big Ben's rape nub he calls a penis. And for years I've been calling bullshit. This past season we all had the PLEASURE of watching the Steelers miss the playoffs for the 2nd time in 4 years. Finally, I feel like the curtain of fraudulence is being removed and what we all see is Raper lifting up his gut to wash his balls...and seeing him exposed for the OVERRATED quarterback he really is. Trent Dilfer once showed us that all you need is a sweet defense to win Super Bowls when you are an incredibly average quarterback. Now that Raper's once dominant defense is gray bushed and falling apart, the real average quarterback is starting to flash his man tits.<br /> <br /> If you want further proof of Raper's OVERRATEDNESS, look no further than his playoff stats. This limp turd has been fucking abysmal in the playoffs from the start of his tubby career. For every luck ass game winning TD pass thrown to a pot head that Steeler fans love to point out, I can reference to 4 or 5 turnovers or plays where his defense bailed him out. You cannot tell me that 20 TD passes to 17 INTs and 6 fumbles for career playoff stats are what we consider ELITE these days. Now Raper lost the only thing he had that was even resembling a true #1 target. I expect him to be even worse this year. Ben Roethlisberger is OVERRATED.<br /> <br /> Ndamukong Suh - After Suh's mildly productive rookie season, it seems he's making headlines these days not for his overly average play, but for his second nature ability to cheap shot on the field. I'm not sure what's more belly clutching hilarious...Lions fans believing that Suh is one of the best defensive linemen in the game or Suh's attempts to explain how his totally obvious cheap shots weren't cheap shots. "Uhhhh. I wasn't trying....uhhh....to decapitate Jake Delhomme. I....uhhh....was....uhhhh....noticed.....uhhhh.....that his helmet was on crooked. Yeah. Crooked. And I didn't want him getting hurt. That's it! And I was just trying to do the good Samaritan thing and fix it for him. He was just running too fast and if you know anything about physics, man! Hahahahahahahaha! *sigh* Next question please."<br /> <br /> The reality is this. Teams have caught on to the only thing Suh knows how to do. And that's get on all fours and bull rush the offensive lineman. Because he's a dumb fucking ape. Teams are getting smarter and Suh is getting dumber. In the next few years the only time we'll read about Suh is in the police blotter for threatening another innocent citizen or on SportsCenter...for booting another quarterback in the sack nuggets. Either way, Ndamukong Suh is OVERRATED.<br /> <br /> MLB - Feel free to discuss who you like here since I won't even begin to pretend to know shit about baseball. I would say Ryan Raburn but you probably have to be good at one point to be considered OVERRATED.<br /> <br /> NHL - See above and replace Raburn with EVERYONE on the Blackhawks. Drew is gonna foot stomp Prime's genital grapes today until he makes the most disgusting sack wine on the planet.<br /> <br /> That's all for this incredibly UNDERRATED last minute blog idea. Man...my full time job is really getting in the way of something I don't get paid to do. My job should really learn to leave me more time for leisure activities while I'm on the clock. Selfish bastards. You all are OVERRATED. </article> <article> <h1>It's Time To Angel-Proof The Game</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 20 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gEHaPhY6HPc/UZZ7z5jh2jI/AAAAAAAAGV8/N9_05G4EA_E/s1600/angel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">WHERE'S MY CRACK AT, YO!!!</td></tr> </tbody></table> Well, I’m just going to write this post on Friday and hope that it remains somewhat relevant through the weekend (it will). I know that after crushing many brew-dogs with BRAHs on Saturday night and then driving back home yesterday, I’m not going to want to get out the old blogging binder on Sunday. I was thinking about live-blogging LS’s wedding reception but how many times do you want to read:<br /> <br /> 8:44 – Dut enters restroom followed closely by strange looking man who does not appear to be an invited guest.<br /> 8:45 – Mr. Ace enters restroom<br /> 8:52 – Random man exits with goofy smile on face and hair askew<br /> 8:53 – Here comes Dut licking his lips and counting a small wad of cash<br /> 8:54 – Mr. Ace exits with wide eyes and giant erect clitoris that you can see through his soy-based slacks<br /> <br /> I don’t want to do that. So instead, you get this. You all know me as someone who will defend the job that umpires do. It isn’t easy. If you aren’t right 100% of the time, you’re never going to hear the end of it. But it’s getting to the point in MLB that things have to change. While 95% of these guys are really good at their jobs, the other 5% are ruining it for everyone. It’s sort of like that gun control argument we had here a few months ago. A few can and will spoil it for everyone. And they have. It’s time to expand instant replay already.<br /> <br /> We all know that Angel Hernandez (who is somehow a crew chief this year) is shit. Fieldin Culbreth and his crew didn’t even know the rules in Houston last week which led to a suspension*. CB Bucknor is always considered to be one of the worst. John Hirschbeck purposely antagonized Bryce Harper so he could throw him out and teach him a lesson (what lesson…no one knows). Joe West is fucking ass. Enough is enough. Fuck your feelings and your extreme hatred of being “shown up”. It’s about getting EVERY call right. It’s actually time to get every call right.<br /> <br /> <i>*During a series in Houston between the Angels and Astros, Houston manager Bo Porter let his pitcher warm up in the 7th inning only to take him out before the first batter came to the plate in the inning. This is against the rules as it is a stall tactic and a MASSIVE waste of time for a sport that already wastes more of it than they should. The inning just ended—why isn’t your next relief pitcher ready? The umpires allowed it. Mike Scioscia got tossed over it. MLB apologized for the crew being fucking stupid and not knowing what the goddamn rules are that they are paid well to enforce</i>.<br /> <br /> Here is my proposal for enhancing instant replay while still keeping the same system in place now. First of all, you get an MLB official not affiliated with any team up in a booth at each stadium with access to all camera angles. He does nothing unless notified. Second, you allow each manager one challenge per game. These can not be used for balls and strikes. They can be used for safe/out, pulled foot, catch/no catch, appeals…whatever, just not on pitches. The manager comes out and challenges a call, the crew chief puts on a headset to talk to the man in the booth, and the man reviews the play. It would take MAYBE 2 minutes and would make everyone feel better. Plus, you know, THEY WOULD GET THE CALLS RIGHT without worrying about the umpire’s feelings which should not be considered anyway. <br /> <br /> Like I said, most of these guys do a great job but it seems like the worst umpires also double up as the most arrogant. Jim Joyce had one of the greatest fuck-ups of all time but he owned it like a man and I think that most people respect him now because he was contrite and we are a forgiving society. But Angel misses an easy home run call and not a peep of remorse from him and there never will be. And that’s fucked up. In conclusion, it’s time that MLB does the right thing and uses all of this technology that we have access to and end the drama caused by subjective calls. Before I go, how about a quick personal umpiring story from me!<br /> <br /> Well, my high school season is over and it is time for the much more lucrative summer baseball schedule to commence. My last games of the year were a varsity DH between a 6 win team and 1 win team. It was not good baseball. But it did provide a situation that I had never seen before. The one win team’s 8 hitter was batting in the second inning and he was not good. He missed the first two pitches by a combined six acres. Staring at an 0-2 count, the pitcher was in his wind-up when someone from the batter’s team yelled from the dugout, “<strong>YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!</strong>” I should mention that he yelled this <strong>AT HIS TEAMMATE THAT WAS BATTING.</strong> I started laughing before the pitch got to the plate as did the catcher. The kid swung and missed as expected. He did not look happy. It was hilarious. I have never seen anything like that ever. <br /> <br /> OK then, if you have some thoughts on my replay proposal, the general state of umpiring, my story at the end, or Li’l Strut’s hopefully fun wedding then feel free to discuss while Ide holds off on his fire-breathing until noon-ish. YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS! </article> <article> <h1>What to Expect Once You've Said "I Do"</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 17 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dh7NlifueXY/UZUnWxkj2sI/AAAAAAAAGVs/A-ts1b5zp5Q/s1600/gob.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> Li’l Strut’s happy ass is getting married tomorrow (to a diehard Notre Dame fan LOL!) so when he asks for a post topic, he damn well gets it. After all, this is the same guy who happened to be the giver of the first card that I opened up the day after my wedding when both families were sitting around watching. The first words that I read on it were “BIG BLACK DILDO” among other ELITE phrases. Someone asked who it was from and what it said. I replied that it was from LS and that it was wildly inappropriate. I didn’t mean that though. I loved it. Well done. Since you and your family are going to be getting me shit-house drunk tomorrow night, I will oblige your request for “The Best and Worst of Being Married”.<br /> <br /> Once the honeymoon is over, the honeymoon is literally over. It’s just you and your bride/domestic partner from now until one of you dies or you get one of those cool divorces that many seem to love these days. Oh boy, “forever” is a really long fucking time. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME/YOU ABOUT THAT! I was lied to! I am by no means an expert on marriage but I am learning how to navigate through its almost constantly depressing shittiness. There are good days and there are bad but one thing will never change…you’re in this for the long haul. So, as you requested, here is just a small sample list of the Best and Worst things about marriage (pay attention, LS, regular Strut, Iceman, Seal, and Jeff because your days of reckoning are coming).<br /> <br /> <strong>BEST: You got yourself a teammate</strong> – This is underrated. It’s kind of nice to have someone who is always looking out for your best interests. You don’t want a teammate like Vince Carter though who only cares about making himself look good.<br /> <br /> <strong>WORST: Who you think you married is not who you actually married</strong> – I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing. She$ and I never lived together until a week before the wedding. Actually, she spent quite a few years living with Dut and the Sauls. I was always told that she was a great roommate and always cleaning up and whatever. NOT TRUE. As I still remind her today, her roommate qualities are vastly OVERRATED. I am a way superior roommate. If you start a load of laundry then you are not allowed to fall asleep and assume that your spouse will fold that shit for you! THIS HAPPENS EVERY WEEK.<br /> <br /> <strong>BEST: Congrats on your new vent</strong> – Get ready to hear daily and endless stories about what happened to her at work that day. I don’t have concrete numbers to back this up, but you will not care about 99% of these stories. These are almost always shared at the dinner table so thankfully you can stuff your face as she blabs. Eat as fast as you can because once you are done, you can leave and you definitely need to leave. However, if there is ever a time where you actually have something to get off your chest, having a wife around to listen to you bitch is pretty good. She will always say something condescending once you calm down, but it’s still better than yelling at nothing.<br /> <br /> <strong>WORST: You will lose remote control battles</strong> – This has been discussed before. Right now, you do not know that Bravo and Lifetime and E! exist as networks. But you will. Oh yes, you will. The key is to find a few shows that you both like/tolerate. I fucking loathe Parenthood but I put up with it just because it allows me to tell her how awful it is every week. Did you know that The Voice is on 10 days per week for 6 hours at a time? I DO!!!<br /> <br /> <strong>BEST: Somehow life gets cheaper</strong> – Being able to combine incomes is a huge thing especially when you are a tight ass like me. I wouldn’t consider myself cheap, per se, because I have no problem buying things. I just don’t like to. The last time that I bought clothing that wasn’t umpire-related or a t-shirt was 1984. Plus, owning property is WAY smarter than renting unless you live in New York which you do not.<br /> <br /> <strong>WORST: You are NEVER alone</strong> – Every once in a while, you just mentally need some time to yourself. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to talk to you. That will not happen anymore. I’ve learned that the easiest way to be left alone is to turn on something that she has no interest in watching so she goes upstairs to drool over Adam Levine or whoever. Things that always work are professional wrestling, hockey, and Star Wars movies. She knows that I do this on purpose. I don’t care. If it ain’t broke…<br /> <br /> <strong>BEST: You will become less disgusting</strong> – Have you ever went an entire weekend without showering? Ever worn the same underwear for a full week because you are too lazy to do the laundry? Fart whenever you want to or not turn the fan on in the shitter? Those days are over! And to be honest, that isn’t a bad thing.<br /> <br /> <strong>WORST: You know how sometimes your family is annoying? You just gained another one!</strong> – We’ve been over this a ton already. They may be great in-laws, but they’re still going to demand your time and space at times that aren’t convenient. Take this for example: I’m supposed to move my parents’ old deep freezer out of their garage which I need my FIL’s truck to do. It is too big for us but we are in talks of giving it to the in-laws in exchange for their half-sized deep freezer. I am already trying to do the math to see if it will fit in one of our cars (it won’t). That means that now they have another excuse to come visit us. For delivery of a free freezer, I now have to waste a weekend. Tell me how that makes sense. Plus, I can’t go to Iceman’s bachelor party at The Bay because of a weekend at the miserable lake.<br /> <br /> <strong>BEST: You just hired a cleaning lady and a cook</strong> – I am a pretty clean guy anyway and an excellent chef but it is always good to share duties with someone else.<br /> <br /> <strong>WORST: Ummmm, feminine hygiene products in your bathroom</strong> – A sad reality. <br /> <br /> <strong>BEST: You don’t have to date anymore</strong> – I can’t even imagine doing that. It has to be so awful. Where do you even meet decent non-whores anymore? Should I get a profile at Christian Mingle or that one site for Farmers? WHY NOT BOTH!<br /> <br /> <strong>WORST: Small things will annoy the shit out of you</strong> – She$ trolls every night. She never pushes in her chair after dinner but always yells at the dog to get down from trying to eat crumbs off the table. She will get a glass or dish out of a cupboard and then not shut the cabinet door. She often falls asleep on the couch at like 8 pm and then gets pissed at me when I tell her to go to bed. She doesn’t hang up my office shirts right as they are always facing the wrong way. She does this on purpose because she gets great joy out of me overreacting (underreacting in my opinion). Your wives will do the same thing and you will die on the inside.<br /> <br /> <strong>BONUS WORST: You’re going to have to come to grips</strong> – We all love football. It is the greatest. Watching it on TV or experiencing it live is quality time that no wife could ever replicate. However, your days of College Gameday AND tailgating AND watching at bars AND dicking with your fantasy lineup AND a full day of RedZone AND the DFL chat AND Sunday Night football are over. You have to pick. Most sane people will give you one day to watch football and the other to do shit around the house or (ugh) run errands with her. You must choose and choose wisely. For me, I’ll get all of my wife crap done on Saturday so that I don’t have to move on Sunday. I regret nothing.<br /> <br /> There you go, LS and others, I hope that that helps or at least gave you a chortle. Unless you married a total cunt, marriage isn’t very hard. The worst part is getting used to wearing a stupid ring (as I’ve said many times). Good luck tomorrow and while I am bailing on the actual wedding, I will be fully prepared to make Biggest Strut regret paying for an open bar. I’ll see many of you there. Don’t forget to pay me, Dut. Prepare to be ICED!!! </article> <article> <h1>Welcome To Project Money Shot</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 16 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AuxuYEc_3CY/UZPaxHBPMMI/AAAAAAAAGVc/Bd7c_Togy48/s1600/dwyane-wade-capri.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">^^^Horse's Ass^^^</td></tr> </tbody></table> Yesterday ended up being a pretty shitty day at work which greatly cut into my appropriated bloggin’ time. That makes me sad and ripe for Stan’s criticism. Just kidding—he only berates awful internet journalists. It’s going to be a pretty simple post today that should have opinions a-flowin’. Strap on your capri pants, Dwyane Wade, because today we’re going to discuss clothes. More importantly, the best and worst uniforms in sports!<br /> <br /> Now, I don’t want to go down the path of team logos because that is a post for another day. I just want to focus on the helmet/cap to the shorts/pants/jorts(?). Who looks the best and who looks the worst—it’s not hard. There isn’t a list today, but it will be easy to follow along. Time to hit the runway:<br /> <br /> <strong>MLB Best: St. Louis Cardinals</strong> – I’m not really sure why but I think that they look sharp.<br /> <strong>MLB Worst: Miami Marlins</strong> – Latin flare is for flamboyant assholes.<br /> <br /> <strong>NFL Best: Oakland Raiders</strong> – It’s about time that they win something other than the supplemental draft rights to Terrelle Pryor! Normally, I would say that the Redskins have the best unis in football (because they do) but I’ll not be a homer. At least not today even though our yellow pants are drop dead gorgeous!<br /> <strong>NFL Worst: Tennessee Titans</strong> – These are the worst uniforms in the history of everything. Pug fugly.<br /> <br /> <strong>NBA Best: Boston Celtics</strong> – I don’t like them. You don’t like them. But, Goddammit, if those green jerseys and shorts aren’t the best then I don’t know what is.<br /> <strong>NBA Worst: Oklahoma City Thunder</strong> – Teal is a shit color. Way to look like the Marlins of the hardwood. Those are awful…no wonder they’re going to get knocked out (or maybe have been already).<br /> <br /> <strong>NHL Best: Chicago Blackhawks in the West and Toronto Maple Leafs in the East</strong> – The Hawks remind me of the Skins and that is nice while Toronto is just simple and looks good to me even if their grammar is shitty.<br /> <strong>NHL Worst: Anaheim Ducks in the West and Washington Capitals in the East</strong> – The Ducks unis make zero sense and have the imagination and creativity of an AIDS patient (not sure what that means). I watched every game of the Caps/Rangers series and they deserved to lose for wearing those hideous red abortions.<br /> <br /> <strong>College Best: Florida State</strong> – Maroon and gold with a spear and little tomahawk stickers…that is ELITE. Those are the best uniforms in all of sport/life. <br /> <strong>College Worst: LSU</strong> – I’ve always hated them. The helmets look like they were designed on MS Paint by a 4 year old. You’re worse than Holgate, Les.<br /> <br /> And of course, you can’t talk about ugly things without mentioning grubby Steelers fans. They wear their deformities, abnormalities, and visible stink lines as a badge of honor yet no one understands why.<br /> <br /> Blackhawks, Redskins, and Noles? Hmmmmm I might be a pretty big racist (/does Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop for ten minutes). Someone pass the Firewater because I’ve got some littering to do! You have to admit that for a mail-in post, this isn’t a horrible topic. See you homos tomorrow. Your time as a free man is getting shorter and shorter, LS, just like your dinger. </article> <article> <h1>The Hokester is the GOAT</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 15 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BN6hFoXp_RA/UZKAO2ZrsdI/AAAAAAAAGVQ/eYj4uuQTXVo/s1600/BradyHoke.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fundamental football makes him dripping wet</td></tr> </tbody></table> Welcome back to The Money Shot, kiddies, which is also known as your home for analyzing the quotes of college football coaches! At least it is this week! You may have thought that we were through with that after Monday’s treasure trove but WE ARE NOT. If you have learned two things from this site over the years (in regards to the NFL’s little bro) they are:<br /> <br /> 1. Ohio Buckeye fans suck turds.<br /> 2. I hate Notre Dame almost as much.<br /> <br /> Who is the man that can bring those two sides together to form one giant ball of hate and cookie dough? Who is the man that stirs the pot of chili like none other? Who is the man that brought old man trolling to the Big Ten? Who is the man with the 24 inch flabby pythons? WHO DA MAN?<br /> <br /> It’s The Hokester, BRAH! The rotund Michigan Man(!) head coach was speaking to a group of loser alums this past weekend in Grand Rapids (I hope it was Ohio) and fired off this gem in between shots of melted oleo:<br /> <br /> <em>"We are fortunate to have unbelievable rivalry games at Michigan. The Notre Dame game, that rivalry, which they're chickening out of. They're still going to play Michigan State, they're going to play Purdue, but they don't want to play Michigan. I don't know how they made that decision."</em><br /> <br /> BURN! Suck on that, golden showers! You just got HOKED! Or perhaps he just wanted a few more portions of chicken, I'm not sure. What a titan in the shade throwing game Brady Hoke has turned out to be. It all started with his desire to make the Ohio/Michigan rivalry not a joke anymore. Now he has turned his sights on South Bend and their murderous program by calling them gashes. I love it. And he’s right. They have no problem carrying on a “rivalry” with the juggernauts from Purdue and Sparty but the one Big Ten team that they do back out on is the one that is the better of the three. That is chicken shit! <br /> <br /> I don’t know how anyone can hate The Hokester. He’s just awesome. Everything that that guy does is a stitch. Let’s list off just a few of his amazing traits:<br /> *comically high-pitched voice<br /> *ELITE troll skills<br /> *not Lloyd Carr<br /> *buys sunglasses from a post-production auction off the set of Terminator<br /> *does not wear a headset on the sidelines<br /> *only buys husky pants<br /> *Cakes was named after him<br /> *looks like a really bad pro wrestler from the 1980’s<br /> *wears short sleeves no matter what the temperature is<br /> *GIVES NO FUCKS<br /> <br /> I’ve always said that I only root for Michigan twice a year but I might have to re-think that position due to Hoke’s continued greatness. I hope that on 9/7 (LOL I have Miami/Kentucky tickets that day!), in perhaps the final game of the Irish/WalMart Wolverines rivalry, they win by a thousand after that terrible Bellomy kid throws 40 touchdown passes. The man truly is a national treasure. Fuck Brian Kelly! HAIL HOKE! </article> <article> <h1>The NFL Unemployment Line</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 14 May 2013 09:00:00 +0000</p> <div style="text-align: center;"> <a href="http://sports.cbsimg.net/images/blogs/titus-young-mugshot-05072013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> <br /> /fart noise</div> <br /> <br /> <br /> I know this is going to shock the fucking shorts off you but Stan the Mangina never emailed me a post idea like I requested last week. I guess it's easier to be a cunt in the comment section about how much a post sucks than to actually come up with a useful idea. Back to cranking your pole with handfuls of your own feces, StanGina.<br /> <br /> We'll stick with the football theme today, shit birds. With the NFL season nipping at our pubic hairs (about 3 months away) there are a handful of big name free agents yet to land a team. Some can still play...some need to be dragged out to the woods to be shot. Let's take today to explore the best options for the guys with juice left and where they will end up.<br /> <br /> Michael Turner - I'm sure Turner has spent the majority of the off season hip checking kids slowing down the buffet line at CiCi's. Never get between a chubber and a 24 foot pizza buffet line. Even though Turner probably swims with a t-shirt on, he's still got some Bavarian cream left in the tank and can be a serviceable goal line back for some teams out there.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: Dallas. Because Jerruh loves "names" and Dallas' backfield is pussy farts.<br /> <br /> Ahmad Bradshaw - It's too bad Bradshaw's feet are made of wet paper and soiled kitty litter. Because if this guy could ever hold up for a full season he would be a fucking stud. But this is reality and the IR is warming up a spot for this black dude with a Muslim name. He's best used in a time share and even then there's no guarantee he'll make it for 16.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: Miami. Because if your starting RB is named "Lamar" you need all the help you can get.<br /> <br /> Chris Wells - Speaking of pussies. The best part about Chris is how he's been a complete bitch his entire life. He's the bully at school who appears super menacing until someone spills the beans that he still wets the bed if he drinks anything after 8PM. And that he still wears footie pajamas to bed. He's going to get another shot because he's still young and for whatever reason people still buy into his bullshit.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: As a Tampax sales rep. LOLZ. But for real...maybe St. Louis. They don't have much at RB since Steven Jackson was shown the door.<br /> <br /> Brandon Lloyd - I'm honestly shocked Lloyd has generated almost zero buzz on the FA market. He's the best available FA out there and is TOTES better than average. If he can get almost 1,000 yards in New England where they spread it around like Drew does at a Red Wings themed gay bar, then you know he's got skill. Lloyd doesn't quite have number 1 chops but I think he would be a top 5 number 2 and a steal at this point.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: NY Jets. Because it's the only team interested. But he should go to Washington to improve their ass receiving corps.<br /> <br /> Titus Young - Just kidding.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: Jail. He's going to be in jail. And he's horse pies. Always has been.<br /> <br /> Dwight Freeney - This is another guy I'm stunned hasn't signed yet. I think Freeney is still one of the best at his position and just knows how to get to the QB. Whatever team signs Freeney is going to be happy they did. Dude's got a lot left.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: Denver. Because he misses the smell of Peyton Manning's crotch sweat.<br /> <br /> Brian Urlacher - For some reason I love how the Bears just dragged Urlacher out to the curb with the rest of the trash. Despite his hilarious Old Spice commercials, Big Bry always came off as a grade A cock sucker to me. Prime disagrees, I'm sure. The best was how he acted "insulted" by the Bears 1 year 2 million dollar offer. Sorry, dick breath. Thirty five year old linebackers with catcher's knees don't get to negotiate. Even though he played hurt last year, Urlacher just looked like he was done.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: Minnesota. Because the Vikings love trolling the fuck out of the NFC Norf.<br /> <br /> Charles Woodson - Woodson's problem has always been health. The guy can still play at 36 and still broke Ace's cousin's neck in high school. If Chuck does nothing but drink whole milk directly from a cow's teet all off season then maybe he has a chance to play a full season. He's been forced into a safety roll these past few seasons because he's lost a step. But he can still beat Cakes in the 40 by 2 full seconds and would be a nice veteran to have in situational downs who brings great leadership qualities. But yes...he unfortunately is a swollen pussy.<br /> <br /> Where he lands: I'm still saying New England even though the market has been bone dry for Chuck. The Pats usually take a stab at guys like this.<br /> <br /> That's all for me, gents. Let's see if this post lives up to the LOFTY expectations The Biggest StanGina has for this Pulitzer winning free Internet blog run by guys with full time jobs. Jobs that aren't journalism related. Feel free to discuss players I didn't mention as there are a shit load of popular names floating on the FA market right now. And as always...don't forget to LOLZ at will at Titus Young's 3rd arrest in one full week. Nice life. </article> <article> <h1>Football Coach Say What?</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 13 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a9qbQrJUo3s/UY-jJNWiklI/AAAAAAAAGVA/He95L9S-pGg/s1600/gem.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hurry up, Zack, I've got a meeting with Gene Smiff in ten minutes.</td></tr> </tbody></table> I just realized that we haven't talked about college football for a while. Why would we? It's May. But before we get into the crux of today's post, let's address the post from a few weeks ago where we discussed the Ohio football team getting 12-0 rings. I do have follow-up info on these. Apparently, they are gold-plated and not made of gold and are comprised of glass and not actual jewels. The retail value is around 200 bones. So to commemorate an undefeated season, the athletic department decided to buy the team and staff fancy garbage. That's good to know. Nothing defines "special season" like shards of glass! So basically, I still have a huge problem with them getting and giving rings but it is lessened a bit once you realize that they were given turds from Gem Diamond.<br /> <br /> While there isn't anything to talk about regarding actual on-field play, there is plenty to discuss when stupid coaches keep putting their feet in their mouths. For example:<br /> <br /> <i>"My question is, 'When are we going to start giving a little bit of it to the performers?' Football and basketball players. It won't do any good probably, but I'm going to still keep yelling for them. They bring in an awful lot of money for all of us."</i>--Steve Spurrier<br /> <br /> OK, this debate pops up from time to time and the Ol' Ball Coach seems to be a champion of the cause. It's probably because he sees himself making a ton of money for working 7 hours per week and is embarrassed by it. NO. They should not be paid. They already are given an ELITE compensation package. If you're going to pay some athletes, you need to pay the tennis team and all other athletes, too, and that will never happen. So stop it because it isn't going to change. <br /> <br /> <i>“I think it’s great. I’m not complaining, and I hope we can get involved in it. ... But then they’re going to want to go to eight teams, and then, ‘Let’s go 64.’ And you can’t do that with major college football. So I just worry where it stops.”</i>--Urban Meyer<br /> <br /> Look, Urb does many things very well and has a career that most envy but he is just being stupid here. It's never going to go to 64. Quit being an idiot and, yes, you are complaining. It's not even going to go to 16. 8 will be the limit simply because the NCAA isn't going to have bowl games go all the way through the end of January. It's dumb. Stop it. You're better than this. A playoff is great and will help your program (since your schedule will not). In fact, you might be the biggest benefactor of the new playoff system! Enjoy it. <br /> <br /> <i>"I would like your finest toilet water."</i>--Les Miles<br /> <br /> Some things never change. Lester is the best. For as great as The Hokester is, I kind of wish that Les was at Michigan.<br /> <i><br /></i> <i>“Personally, I think the conference thing is way overblown. How are you going to evaluate? Are you looking at the top two teams in the conference or are you going to take the conference as a whole? There’s four SEC-ACC games Saturday. Let’s see what happens. Who’s favored in the Clemson-South Carolina game? Who’s favored in the Florida-Florida State game? Wake-Vandy? I don’t know. But you see what I mean? Now, if we’re just talking about Alabama and LSU, that’s different.”</i>--Bob Stoops on the perception of the SEC<br /> <br /> WTF? Where did this come from? Why is the modern day John Cooper making empty accusations at the Kings of College Football? It makes no sense. The "top to bottom" argument is what losers use. Who cares if your last place team is better than Kentucky? I've been saying for a long time (correctly) that Bob Stoops is a pretty shitty coach who hardly ever wins games that matter and it is comments like these that prove me right. Stoops is a loser.<br /> <br /> So let's spend day one of Li'l Strut's wedding week talking about his favorite topic...college football! I am intrigued to see if Ohio fans will actually say something bad about King Buttfucker because it would be TOTES justified to do so. Probably not, though, because they are sheep. </article> <article> <h1>Just Say No To The Three Hour Trumpet Solo</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 10 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4wGhrpLcL4g/UYvzQCGVLbI/AAAAAAAAGTM/OA4mWTl9QDk/s1600/davematthews.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big dump or huge rod?</td></tr> </tbody></table> I'm a 32-year-old internet journalist. I'm as white as you could possibly imagine. I grew up in the sticks. And I’m not a fan of The Dave Matthews Band. <br /> <br /> I didn't set out to be the first blogger to not like the band that just about all white folk like. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand. And since I’m always the smartest person in this classroom, the teacher will call on me and listen to every goddamn word that I have to say. <br /> <br /> My journey of self-discovery and self-acknowledgement began in my hometown of Nap-tizzle <strike>and has taken me through two state high school championships, the NCAA Final Four and the Elite Eight, and nine playoffs in 12 NBA seasons</strike>. Or, you know, none of those things. This is about where the stuff that Jason Collins said and what I intend on saying today fail to line up. We’ve come to a fork in the blogging road. You can either follow Collins and who knows what you might see or you can follow me and stare at my luscious ass. It’s your choice but both are blatantly homo-erotic.<br /> <br /> Why am I coming out now? It’s pretty simple actually. I’m tired of living a lie and acting like I care when I do not. I will no longer pretend to be something that I’m not. The days of trying to fit in over musical preferences are over. I was throwing stacks at the gym last Thursday and the radio was on. It was set to a classic rock station (which is fine). Out of nowhere, Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” came on and there are few greater songs out there that will motivate you to bench press a couple of Volkswagen’s like that one. I was the only one in the gym so I was OBVZ rocking out. The song ended and the next one up was fucking “Ants Marching”. I was pissed. The Brew* went from 11 to negative million just like that. First of all, why is that band on a classic rock station? Also, who follows up a bitchin’ tune with the ultimate pussy jam?<br /> <br /> <em>*The absolute greatest thing about 105.7 The Brew is their traffic updates? Why? Because every time they do them, they always come from the Vanity Gentleman's Club Traffic Center which is the best.</em><br /> After working out, I got the lawn mower out which always leads to random deep thinking. By the way, don’t ever call it “cutting the grass”. You use a lawn mower, not scissors, you asshole. Also, SUVs are not “trucks” so don’t call them that. Where was I? Oh yes—so I’m deep in thought and still upset with the earlier song choice structure when it finally hit me: I just don’t like them. In fact, I’m not sure that I ever did. I’m a rocker, motherfucker, so call me Marty Jannetty.<br /> <br /> When I was younger, I was into the band. Everyone else was so it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t go to the concerts or get body ink; but I bought a ton of CDs through high school and college. I acted like Live at Red Rocks was this generation’s Shaq Diesel (greatest album ever recorded). I probably told people that “Dave” was my favorite band. But it wasn’t. It never was. That was all a big lie. I’ve never given a fuck about Tim Reynolds (who I always want to call Tim “Little Hockey” Meadows) or his brass solos. If I wanted to watch a sax solo, I’d YouTube the clip of Slick Willie on Arsenio. If you write songs with more pointless lyrics than Linkin Park (very hard to do), 8 minutes of instrumentals aren’t going to make them better. I’ve tried to put a label on what exactly the sound is that Dave goes for and how to categorize it. Besides OVERRATED, I decided on “Bro Jam Band”. It’s a music style built for frats with many undesirable qualities of the dreaded hippie jam band. I am not the kind of guy who would be into a Bro Jam Band. Like I said, that’s not who I am.<br /> <br /> So what happens next? Nothing really. I was just inspired by Tim Brando’s hero to finally come clean about something that was on the surface for a while but had not been explored yet. That fateful day at the gym changed that forever. I faked interest for the longest time but the Boston Marathon bombings have taught me to be myself (you’re pushing it, G$). Just because most of your bros are into something, doesn’t mean that I have to fall in line. I won’t. Life’s too short to listen to a 45 minute oboe solo followed by some pussy singing at an octave that is impossible to understand. That is not what I want.<br /> <br /> No more pretending from G$. It’s that time of year when Summer concerts take place and I’m sure that The Dave Matthews Band are hitting the road. I’m sure that some of you may be going. Just know that I don’t care and I am not jealous and if you want to brag, expect this conversation:<br /> <br /> You: Hey, BRAH, going to see DAVE next weekend!<br /> Me: Really? When did Dave Mustaine leave Megadeth and how did he pull together a solo tour so quickly?<br /> You: ???<br /> Me: YOU TAKE A MORTAL MAN! AND PUT HIM IN CONTROL!<br /> <br /> Boy, I feel a lot better. Get fucked, you dancing nancies, and start listening to the Big Tymers. Now I can get back to my real passion in life: trolling Ohio Buckeye fans while listening to all of my Tony Butt Ass Kiss albums (your new nickname). But NOT Red Headed Step Child. Never them. I’m G$, I’m not gay, I don’t like The Dave Matthews Band, and I approve this message. </article> <article> <h1>Point Guard/Counterpoint Guard</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 09 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hC0HEFceQmM/UYqTRWxlECI/AAAAAAAAGSw/w7m2nII6ZYc/s1600/chris-broussard-memphis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">^^^spells like a queer^^^</td></tr> </tbody></table> Well, I was trying to secretly go all week without writing about sports but I’m going to break that promise that I never actually made to myself. Don’t worry, unless something cray happens today, we’re killing the week off with another non-sports effort. While most of you don’t like basketball talk, PLAYOFF basketball has to be OK, doesn’t it? I mean, no one wants to argue if the Cavs or Pistons are shittier (or do they?). So today, I want to talk about two players who we all know and probably have an opinion on.<br /> <br /> <strong>MIKE CONLEY, JR</strong> – OK, I can admit when I’m wrong (unlike Drew) and I was fairly wrong about Conley. If I recall, way back in the day I wrote that he should definitely leave Ohio early (as I feel for most players) but I never thought that he would amount to much. It took him awhile, but he is finally blossoming into a borderline superstar in this postseason. If you can get past his weird-shaped head (and I can understand if you cannot), he plays a very fluid and beautiful game. It’s sort of like Tony Parker’s but 100% less French asshole. After Memphis dumped Rudy Gay near the deadline, someone had to step up and be a good second or third banana with Gasol and the always awesome Z-Bo. Conley has.<br /> <br /> I spent most of my lunch break yesterday trying to rank point guards just to see where Conley fit. I have him ninth (just ahead of Jrue Holiday, Ty Lawson, and John Wall) and that’s not bad when you look at all of the stud PGs in the NBA (In no particular order: CP3, Rose, Rondo, D-Will, Westbrook, Parker, Curry, and I put Kyrie ahead of him). That’s some awesome company. There are a LOT of really good point guards in the league. He wasn’t among those guys three weeks ago. He is now. I absolutely expect the Grizz to beat the Thunder (would almost consider it an upset if they don’t) and most definitely think that they can win the West. I never would have thought that the emergence of Mike Conley would have been the difference (or THE DIFF). Good for him and I mean that.<br /> <br /> <strong>DERRICK ROSE</strong> – Disclaimer: I fully expect the Heat to handle them in game 2. That has nothing to do with hopefully the final time that I have to talk about Rose this season. Someone needs to be a grown up already and end this once and for all. We all know that he isn’t going to magically suit up. It would be grossly irresponsible for him to do that or for the team to allow that to happen. The guy hasn’t played in a year. He isn’t just going to all of a sudden start his season in the playoffs against the motherfucking champs. When he is “mentally ready/handicapped” to return, he’s going to be put on the floor for 40 minutes. If he can’t do that, then don’t dress him. AND LET EVERYONE KNOW THIS SO THEY WILL STOP CONSTANTLY ASKING ABOUT HIS AVAILABILITY.<br /> <br /> Look, the Bulls are one of the best stories in sports right now (the Blue Jackets are still #1). They keep winning with the weirdest collection of weirdos this side of an NRA convention (count it). Joakim Noah went from unlikable shit weasel to unlikable shit weasel who you can at least respect because he balls so hard. They’ve got Tiny Nate and whatever a Jimmy Butler is (played all 48 minutes in game 1?!?!?!) and that foreign guy who makes threes and does the “HUGE BALLS” gesture. It’s incredible. But they are all being overshadowed by a guy who’s sitting because he doesn’t want to end up like Gilbert Arenas. And when you think about it that way, it makes all the sense in the world. Hibachi is the worst. He probably goes by Cakes. Shouldn’t more questions be asked about Luol Deng’s botched SPINAL TAP (!) or Kirk the Vampire’s pussy calf? Talk about the guys who are actually there. I don’t know, I just think that everyone in the Bulls organization is handling this poorly. The media focus is on the wrong person. Even if he does dress for game 3 to fire up the fans or whatever, he might not get the reception that he wants. From what I've read, the fans are fed up with the drama so, you know, end the goddamn drama already.<br /> <br /> That being said, the Heat are still going to beat them. That is unfortunate but a FACT because I can think of no better Heat troll than Noah. Oh well, at least Chicago still has the Cubs' winning ways, Adam Dunn’s breathtaking swing, Stan Mikita’s Donuts, and Jay Catler. In conclusion, look at me complimenting a former Fuckeye! I haven’t done that since congratulating Korey Stringer for dying. </article> <article> <h1>Open Forum: Disgusting Food!</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 08 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-obWbpeFUBgk/UYlPHoWOorI/AAAAAAAAGSg/3PUxkfuop-0/s1600/Spotted_Dick475.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll take ten"--Uncle T</td></tr> </tbody></table> Boy, yesterday escalated rather quickly, didn’t it? There is no better team-building exercise than when a new guy comes along and starts throwing tridents at Iceman. Unfortunately, he did not kill Senor Tuesday (only his spirit). After some soul-searching and a slight realization that Stan Marsh was a little bit right, I thought that it might be time to get the old knife and fork out again for one of our classic topics around here…FOOD. Or in today’s case, let’s put the knife and fork away because we’re listing the foods that make us violently ill as we find them repulsive. In essence, today is an anti-food post.<br /> <br /> Anyone can talk about which pizza toppings are the best or who makes the most ELITE ribs, but are you willing to let it be known that your pussy body can’t handle gluten and thus you have to buy only weirdo products? Or that you have a peanut allergy LIKE A BITCH! That is what makes a man—to identify your shortcomings and allow people to rip on you for it. I’ll admit that I physically can’t eat avocados or jalapenos. The former makes me feel like I’m at Cedar Point for 8 hours (which is a really strange feeling) while the latter gives me instant explosive diarrhea. It is a cross that I bear. I like them both, but I just can’t ingest them for whatever reason. Before I list my Least Fave Five, I got a hold of Mr. Ace’s Least Fave Five. The results are expected:<br /> <br /> 5. Ribs<br /> 4. Pork Chops<br /> 3. Burgers<br /> 2. Steak<br /> 1. Bacon<br /> <br /> He’s a real winner and quite the fancy boy but we already knew that. How about G$’s list?<br /> <br /> <strong>5. Broccoli</strong> – Even gobs of gross cheese can’t mask the horrible flavor of this vegetable. I don’t think that I would mind just the leafy part of broccoli but the stalk kills me every time. FACT: every stalk portion of broccoli is an exact replica of Satan’s erect penis. If you think about it that way then everyone who enjoys eating broccoli has a fetish for Lucifer spunk. NOT ME! NOT EVER!<br /> <strong>4. Scallops</strong> – I have never understood the fascination with these little tasteless hockey pucks from the ocean. They have no flavor. You could put a whole jar of spices on them and somehow it would still taste like bland nothing. I don’t get why scallops are a big staple in fine dining. They suck. I guarantee that assholes like Burke and Ide will tell me I’m wrong but I’m telling you that you are wrong first so I win. Scallops are shit and I say this as someone who will eat almost anything out of the ocean/lake (except for mussels and oysters which are also bunk and mung respectfully).<br /> <strong>3. Mushrooms</strong> – How the hell did this become a food? It grows in the wild; often in shit. It is a fungus. When and why did we start putting these things on pizza and grilled meat? It makes no sense. They also don’t add anything other than gross texture to a dish unless you like the idea of eating a pizza covered in dead slugs. I do not. There is something that BIG FOOD isn’t telling you: mushrooms are dead slugs from my house.<br /> <strong>2. Eggs</strong> – To clarify, I like omelets and I LOVE pad thai. The thought of just eating an egg separately makes me gag though. Scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, or deviled all make me retch. I’ve been over my hatred of eggs before though so I won’t go off again. I probably should say that the reason that I don’t mind an omelet is because it is filled with meat and cheese (and usually covered in salsa for me) and the eggs are pretty much just a tortilla shell made out of aborted animals. When it comes to chickens, I am Pro Life, you MURDERERS!!!<br /> <strong>1. Green Beans</strong> – Can’t stand them. Can't win with 'em. Can't coach with 'em. I’m pretty sure that I’ve hated them since birth. My parents have a picture of me as a baby with green beans dumped on my head (if I had it, I would have posted it today) which, even as a stupid toddler, was a better idea to me than actually eating them. To their credit though, I was never forced to eat them. They knew that G$ vs. Green Beans was one of America’s most heated rivalries and they never pressed the sides into battle. My sister has always liked them though which meant that they would occasionally end up on the dinner table much to my dismay. She was always trolling her ELITE older BRAH. Whenever the wife makes pot pie, I always spend a solid ten minutes picking out all the green beans (which is a HUGE pain in the ass but she makes a good pot pie regardless) all the while yelling at She$ to buy green bean-less bags of mixed vegetables. She says that they don’t exist. I stab her with a fork and demand an apology. I H8 GREEN BEANS.<br /> <br /> So there we go. Another food post in the books and another chance for Ide to tell people what they should and should not like. And any chance we can get to make fun of Mr. Ace and his Portland, Oregon eating habits, that’s even better. Boner Appetit! </article> <article> <h1>I See An NFL/NBA Post in Your Future...</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 07 May 2013 08:30:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://www.gadailynews.com/files.php?file=assets-2013/article_2290641_18876ACD000005DC_325_634x809_641440645.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> "Predict this future, you psychic dick wart."</div> <br /> <br /> <br /> Before we do anything today, let me get this angry rant out of the way first. I fucking hate so called "psychics". I put that in parenthesis because psychic ability isn't real. These are the most fraudulent bastards in the history of the world and belong in the same category as online sexual predators and whoever decided to make olives a mainstream food.<br /> <br /> I happened to catch a bit of some fat whale of a woman's talk show the other morning on my way through the living room while preparing my journey to hell...AKA, work. It's a piss pool of a show that (SHOCKING) Wheelz loves. Maybe Ricki Lake...fuck, I don't know. Something shitty. Anyway...there was this dumb fucking whore on the show claiming to have psychic powers. So they picked two "random" people in their late 50's from the crowd so this clam could display her BREATHTAKING psychic ability. I put the word random in quotes because I'm certain they were hand selected by this stupid bitch. The series of questions that followed were absolutely hilarious. It was bullshit like, "You recently had a close family member inflicted with a serious disease, right?" and "I'm seeing that both of your grandparents are dead...is that right?" HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!?! Because you're in your fifties, retard. It would almost be impossible for your grandparents to still be alive. Unless they're Chinese. Those fuckers always live to be a hundred and twenty five.<br /> <br /> After the questions were over I found myself shouting obscenities at the TV. I couldn't believe...well, I could believe actually...that these people could be so brain dead. Mouths hanging open. Fucking mesmerized by this fake whore's ability to ask general vague questions and tell them absolutely nothing about people that are dead while making them believe she's actually communicating with people beyond the grave. Jesus Christ. It was unreal! Now I believe in a lot of fucking stupid shit...like zombies. But come on, man! Stop being such gullible twats, people. Assholes like that shouldn't have steady work. They should be begging for gruel every day in a soup kitchen. Now that I got that off my chest...we'll do another football post. And some basketball.<br /> <br /> Adrian Peterson is giving me all the reasons in the world to dislike him heavily. I get confidence. I even get arrogance sometimes. But let's keep our feet planted firmly in Realityville, shall we? Peterson said he's setting the bar this year at 2,500 rushing yards. He might as well have said he wants to have a kajillion bajillion rushing yards...because neither are happening. It also needs to be mentioned that he wants to win multiple Super Bowls. Well, I wonder what team he plans on getting traded to because Christian Ponder is not getting you there, chief.<br /> <br /> I think everyone here needs to be reminded of how big of a pussy Derrick Rose is being. Anyone at this point still defending him also has a hairy beaver of their own instead of a cock pole. Conjure up any excuse you want for Rose. Sorry, not buying it when you have a guy on your own team playing through one of the most painful injuries out there. I know...because I've had plantar faciitis. It hurts like a God damn motherfucker. However you feel about Joakim Noah, you have to at least respect what he's been doing. Rose is burning so many bridges right now and the way he's handling this isn't helping. He's acting like a fucking child when people continue to ask him when he plans on returning. And I don't want to hear this bullshit that he's probably tired of getting asked that question and that's why he's being salty balls when asked. I have a quick solution, buddy...go lace up your fucking Addidas and get your crybaby ass on the court already. Your team mates are fucking killing themselves for you while you sit back, collect a pay check and wait for your team to get prison fucked by Miami. You're supposed to be the leader of this team, Rose. Start acting like it for Christ sake. I would be pissed the fuck off if that guy was my team mate.<br /> <br /> I love how the reasons everyone passed on Geno Smiff in the first round are starting to slowly leak out. The best one so far is this:<br /> <br /> "Smith spent most of his time texting and tweeting on his cellphone during facility visits. "He's going to have a tough time in New York," predicted one NFC scout. "Right now, he's coming off as a spoiled, pampered brat." One club official confirmed to ESPN New York that "the cellphone episode was mentioned and discussed in its draft room while evaluating Smith."<br /> <br /> And this one:<br /> <br /> "I'm not sure he knows how to take instruction because he pretty much wouldn't listen or talk to our coaches," said one exec. "... You can't tell him anything right now. He's tuned out because he thinks he's got it all down."<br /> <br /> New York is going to fucking eat this chump alive. And it will be glorious. I wish Smiff would have been a top 10 pick. Jamarcus Russell is probably TOTES lonely at the top of Bust Mountain. I seriously cannot wait to watch this total destruction happen. Geno Smiff seems like a real cock sucker who deserves the worst.<br /> <br /> Soooooo, can we start putting Lebron in Michael Jordan's category yet? Four MVPs in ten years is pretty fucking impressive. Speaking of NBA awards. Marc Gasol won defensive player of the year?? How did that shit happen? That guy is so sloppy and mushy looking I can't imagine him being such a force on defense. Plus I didn't watch a lot of Grizzly basketball this year. Can someone stick of for B-Cups Gasol here? Was he really deserving of defensive player of the year? Did David Stern accidentally think he was presenting a Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion trophy?<br /> <br /> The Browns continue to destroy my face. If you want a blue print on how to be a terrible franchise for the better part of 2 decades, well the Browns have kindly laid that out for everyone to copy. Not only did I read that Jason Campbell and Brandon Weeden are in a "dead heat" for the starting job come game 1, but a guy Cleveland drafted (7th round so who really gives a shit other than the supreme LULZ factor) just got pinched for a DUI. What makes this story so fucking choice is that while in college, this boob was nabbed not once, but TWICE for selling weed to an under cover cop. It doesn't stop there, kids. When pulled over this past Friday, he was trying to purposely sabotage his own breathalyzer test and had to retake it 10 times before finally blowing correctly. And still blowing over the legal limit. I guess when he swore he wouldn't let anyone down with this second chance at football, he was just trolling the fuck out of the universe. Well played, Armonty Bryant. Your career is officially over. The Browns are seriously giving me every reason in the world to move to a different team. I guess I'm just too fucking stupid to actually go through with it.<br /> <br /> That's my time here, chili holes. It's really hard to imagine a day when the Browns are actually good in football again, right? So God damn depressing. Maybe I can make an appearance on a turds talk show and ask some super talented psychic to give me the answer of exactly when they'll be good again. Seriously...I can't put into words how fucking much I hate psychics. Especially that Long Island Medium cunt. I would seriously fucking stab her with a fork if she ever approached me in public. You've been warned, bitch. </article> <article> <h1>People Magazine Knows Nothing</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 06 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A-TwfdacG8Y/UYbehkHOfkI/AAAAAAAAGSQ/SmSPrnMHgcM/s1600/cohan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What did you say about my mom ass?</td></tr> </tbody></table> I'm going to take it easy today. It has nothing to do with me but I figure that after some of us had a rough weekend in Chicago at Li'l Strut's bachelor party while others recuperate from dressing like Colonel Sanders at a drunken Derby Party. I am still dealing with $1 Corona dumps myself. Either way, we could all use a relaxing Monday free of heated arguments. So where does that leave us?<br /> <br /> Well, it is that time of year again when the bulky sweaters get put away and the slut gear is back out in full force. Oh, what a glorious time of the year (especially living near a college campus)! But instead of drooling over 20 year old ass (although feel free to do so), let's talk about the ladies of the small screen. And I say this because two weeks ago, People Magazine named Gwyneth fucking Paltrow the most beautiful woman in the world. LOL. Who the bloody fuck decided this? HER? She is not hot. She never has been. Just because she bangs Iron Man doesn't make her hot. If anything, it just proves that Iron Man is a terrible superhero. Considering that Batman has a creepy lust for the hideous Maggie Gyllenhal, I'm starting to think that these superheros are the worst.<br /> <br /> So who is the actual Most Beautiful Woman in the World, you ask? Well, I scanned through my DVR season pass list and came up with my top ten from shows that I currently record. The rankings are below with a quick blurb on each. All of them are better looking than Paltrow and will set the tone for a great Monday conversation about famous TV T and A. Let's do this!<br /> <br /> 10. Courtney Cox - Yes, I watch Cougar Town. It isn't that bad. I've been a huge fan of hers since Friends. I even watched Dirt and that show was terrible. She has had some work done but still looks great in her late 40's.<br /> 9. Joelle Carter - Ava Crowder for the win! I honestly was considering Black Rachel as the Justified representative but didn't want to take a frying pan to the face. I regret nothing.<br /> 8. Rashida Jones - ANN PERKINS!<br /> 7. Morena Baccarin - Occasional commenter, Congressman Brody, once showed up to tell me that his TV wife is OVERRATED. I disagree completely. I would never agree with a terrorist.<br /> 6. Lauren Cohan - Sweet Maggie, please do not marry Glenn. He is a pussy loser and a terrible leader. Repopulate the earth with Daryl Dixon and create a super race of unkillable sex machines. I don't even care that you have a fake British accent. You are the best.<br /> <br /> 5. Elisha Cuthbert - It's a damn shame that Happy Endings ended likely their last episode on Friday because it is a really good sitcom. I was never a big fan of Kim Bauer but Alex Kerkovich grew on me a lot. Plus, she eats ribs for breakfast which is about the hottest thing that a chick could ever do.<br /> 4. Alison Brie - She's great on Mad Men and Community. The internet loves her. I'm a HUGE part of the internet.<br /> 3. Christina Hendricks - I'm not the biggest BBW fan out there but I'll make an exception for the fiery redhead. I live my life by the strict BRO code of "No Fat Chicks". Joan isn't fat like Fat Betty but she is mighty thick. That rack...OH THAT RACK. It still pisses me off that she actually married the "snozberries taste like snozberries" tard from Super Troopers. He must be hung like John Holmes.<br /> 2. Emilia Clarke - KHALEESI!!! Not having her at #1 will likely get me scorched by dragons but there needs to be some punishment for her dating Seth MacFarlane. This will be a nice segue for Ide's dragon talk later.<br /> 1. Julia Louis-Dreyfus - I don't care that she's in her 50s. She's still hot as hell and actually gets better looking as the years go by. You can't tell me that the current foul-mouthed VP Selina Meyer is less hot than Elaine Benes (Bennett, right? It's "Benes", you jackass!). SO HOT.<br /> <br /> While you may disagree with my rankings, there is never a bad time to talk about broads that we want to do. It's the American way. I'm just so mad bro at People trying to tell me that Gwyneth Paltrow is anything more than a broom. </article> <article> <h1>This Post Was Getting Tough so I Got Ejected Instead of Finishing It</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 03 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wBQkvXe5B2s/UYKqw9w0hBI/AAAAAAAAGSA/MAbOt2f2zOo/s1600/mjackson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I only applaud good team DEPF.</td></tr> </tbody></table> Don’t give a fuck—I’m talking about the storylines surrounding the NBA playoffs today. Don’t worry, we’re pretty much just going to laugh at people for being stupid. Let’s just get to the bullet-points while you wait for me to get into Mark Jackson-speak mode. It has been one of my STREMPHS since BIRF.<br /> <br /> <strong>*Is it just me or is every decent player getting hurt?</strong> – Kobe. Rondo. Rose. Westbrook. Blake Griffin. Chris Paul. Kirk Hinrich LOL. Gallinari. David Lee. That is a whole shitload of star power that isn’t playing or is very limited in the postseason so far. I guess what I’m saying here is that these guys are all bitches who make soccer players look like Rambo. J/K…soccer players are the biggest pussies forever.<br /> <br /> <strong>*Speaking of Westbrook, OKC isn’t much without him</strong> – The Thunder are in trouble. Oh sure, they’ll be able to knock out the Rockets but I don’t have much faith that they can get by the Grizzlies or Clippers without their stud PG. I had no idea that Reggie Jackson was a basketball player. I just thought that he was a big BASEketball fan still on the hunt for his third home run ball from the World Series. And if you still subject yourself to Simmons’ articles, be prepared to keep hearing about how right he is that OKC should have never traded Harden. I’m sure that that won’t be annoying at all because everyone knows how he should be a GM. After all, his trade value column came three months late this year and still isn’t fully done yet. NO ONE DENIES THIS!<br /> <br /> <strong>*It takes a lot for me to root for the Celtics</strong> – Here I am—doing it though. It’s not that I’m rooting for noted queer hater KG and Jelly Tits but I am rooting against the Knicks. In what will hopefully go down as the worst pre-emptive troll job of all time, the Knicks all arrived at the arena before game 5 wearing black suits as they were “attending the Celtics funeral”. Oh come on! You can’t do that shit. Who’s idea was this? It was Carmelo’s, wasn’t it? He’s the type of loser dipshit to think that was funny/a good idea. I can’t support this shit. I hope that they fail miserably because fuck the Knicks. The way I see it is that when in doubt, root for the team who has the player that tells Melo "my boy fucked your wife". Because even though a man that I hated at Xavier said that regarding KG, it is still LOLZ.<br /> <br /> <strong>*Leave the guarantees to Namath and Sheed</strong> – Along the same lines, Brandon Jennings probably should have shut his mouf when he guaranteed the Bucks in 6 over the Heat. That was not smart. I haven’t seen dumb ploys like this since The U showed up to the national championship game in the late 80’s wearing camouflage and declaring that they were going to war only to get beaten by a child rapist. <br /> <br /> <strong>*Whoever pays Dwight Howard this offseason is dumb</strong> – When the going gets tough, the tough quit. That’s such a chicken shit move to get tossed intentionally from your team’s final playoff game because the result was never in doubt. Howard is such a little bitch. He’s a grown man with the mind and demeanor of a 6 year old. The Lakers are going to end up giving him 100 million dollars this summer and they will never compete for a title until he’s gone for good. Who would have ever thought that the winner of that big four way blockbuster would have been Orlando. Tobias Harris and Vucevic look like studs and they got picks and cap relief (I guess that they got Harris for JJ Redick but whatever). <br /> <br /> <strong>*Mark Jackson has Alzheimer’s</strong> – It’s funny to me that Jackson was one of the more physical guards in league history but has no problem whining about the Nuggets bumping Stephen Curry all over the floor in order to get him out of rhythm. If anything, I would think that The Man Lacking LEMPH would applaud that instead of cry about it. First of all, Curry is awesome and I hope that his ankles don’t ruin him. Second, Mark Jackson still has no idea how to speak correctly and I love him for it. Third, this is literally what playoff basketball is all about. Your opponent has a guy who is hot? No problem—just knock him on his ass a few times. When people whine that basketball isn’t what it used to be well THIS IS WHAT IT USED TO BE!!!<br /> <br /> Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that this is all pointless. Go figure that the only team that isn’t being crushed by injury or old age right now is Miami. We are staring an awful to watch San Antonio/Miami Finals right in the face and you all know it. This is going to suck. At least it will be fun to watch Duncan abuse The Boshtrich for a few weeks. Whatever, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are more fun to watch. GO CAPS, BLUES, AND DUCKS! See you Monday. </article> <article> <h1>I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life...</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 02 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qHlOLUTzCGs/UYFq2qhQTKI/AAAAAAAAGRw/QOecWsXtR9o/s1600/tebow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You will be missed, sweet prince</td></tr> </tbody></table> Boy, yesterday escalated rather quickly, didn’t it? We went from talking about Jason Collins to debating the existence of God or whatever. That just goes to show that no matter what is actually written here each day, the topic will always change. I’m just surprised that no one made the claim that Jesus was a black guy or LOL a woman. In what will go down as one of the world’s greatest segues, let’s turn the topic (for likely the final time ever so savor it) to Mr. Timothy Richard Tebow!<br /> <br /> The Tens was pink-slipped on Monday and despite Skip Bayless’s finest efforts, was pushed to the back page by all the gay news. And rightfully so since third string quarterbacks are cut all the time and no one gives a shit. Where is the justice for Richard Bartel! But this is news around here since Timmy Dick holds a special place in the gut of all of us. Since he fell through waivers unclaimed, it appears to be the end of the Tebow Era in the NFL. While we can all agree that he was an absolutely terrible professional quarterback, he still has to go down as one of the 5 or 10 best college football players of all time (arguably the best) and one of the most decorated. It sounds like Tenor is not willing to change positions as a way of holding on to the dream and I would doubt that he would be willing to go to Canada to be the backup QB for the Alouettes or to the Omaha Beef of the Arena League (LOL I actually like that name). So it is my best guess that this is the end of the line for probably the most polarizing football player to ever live.<br /> <br /> The point of today’s post is to pick the next chapter in the life of Timothy Richard Tenor. His quarterbacking days are over, but that doesn’t mean that he has to give up the spotlight. Here are my suggestions/predictions:<br /> <br /> <strong>Motivational Speaker</strong> – Don’t get me wrong, it would be awful to listen to this dull man speak for more than ten seconds but you know that he’s going to do this because he’s already doing this. I just wanted to bring up an ELITE opportunity in which T-Double could combine with Wheelz and attack every high school in America with their message of—I don’t know—faith, abstinence, and highway patience. Basically, I want Timmy to steal Wheelz from Iceman.<br /> <br /> <strong>High School Football Coach</strong> – This is a guarantee to happen at some point. I’d bet that he would make for a really annoying coach that all the players hated because he couldn’t stop re-living his own playing days. And can you imagine him giving a pregame speech? Ugh, that would be awful because it would always end with “God Bless”.<br /> <br /> <strong>Mohel </strong>– We’re already well aware of his skill and prowess at circumcision. Time to give him that scalpel full time for a never-ending stream of cocks to cut.<br /> <br /> <strong>TV analyst/personality</strong> – He would be a terrible football analyst who would only speak in clichés. “You’ve got to play one play at a time” and “the key to football is not making mistakes” would be the only things to ever come out of his mouth. I’m sure that First Take is already hounding his agent to be a regular contributor. I know for a fact that Worst Cake has not made a play for his services. We don’t need ratings that badly.<br /> <br /> <strong>Modern Day Jesus</strong> – He might as well just commit to the role and declare himself the son of God. Just really go for broke with it. He could start his own cult and grow a long beard. He could picket outside of military funerals with the reasonable people from the Westboro Baptist Church. I mean, if people are going to use your beliefs against you as a negative, then make those characteristics and traits even more entrenched. <br /> <br /> <strong>Steelers Troll</strong> – It would be like how Mike Eruzione pops up every once in a while to remind America that he and his teammates ended the Cold War except that this would be more awesome. Timmy Tens could show up in Pittsburgh every year or so showing highlights of that incredible playoff game that he won single-handedly because he is better than every Steeler to ever play the game of football.<br /> <br /> <strong>Politician</strong> – Well, he can’t ever run for President but he can probably be a senator or something. The whack jobs and God-wads will always vote for him. Everyone thinks that he’s full of shit anyway so politics wouldn’t be too big of a stretch.<br /> <br /> <strong>Sex Symbol/Endorse Everything</strong> – Eventually, people won’t care about T-Dick anymore so he needs to make all the money that he can now off of his past. What I’m trying to say here is MOR JOCKEY COMMERCIALS PLZ!<br /> <br /> <strong>BBQ Restaurant Owner</strong> – My personal favorite and hope for his future: Tenor’s House O’ Ribs. It really makes the most sense. He could even use the Bible/religion to sell his product…”From Adam to you”…because I think there is something about Adam giving his rib to Eve or whatever. He may have removed his lower ribs to suck his own dick like Marilyn Manson AKA Paul Pfeiffer from The Wonder Years (as some people incorrectly think). I’ll have to check into that.<br /> <br /> Whatever he decides to do, I’m sure that it will draw the attention of the suits in Bristol as they run full segments on whether his dry rub is any good. Either way, I am already offering an olive branch to Tim. Tim, I want you to take my spot in the Napoleon/Defiance alumni game. You deserve to wear the #77. You have earned your Cat Jacks. </article> <article> <h1>The Money Shot Reaches For That Rainbow</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 01 May 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0jryCsVC5qE/UYBGQwiH_9I/AAAAAAAAGRg/wgFpl3eGn9U/s1600/jason-collins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jason, no need to give Tristan a facial.</td></tr> </tbody></table> So we finally got our first active professional athlete to come out of the closet. Jason Collins gets the distinction of that. Good for him. Hopefully, he can spawn others to do what Mike Piazza never could. So far, the majority of the reactions to this news have been very positive (at least according to him) which is good to hear. As far as this site goes, we don’t have a problem with gay dudes. A hole’s a hole as long as there’s a little heat in there (great Jerky Boys reference). We have always shown a ton of support for the Uncle T’s, Duts, and Shook’s Sons of the world. Now they finally have their superhero! Anyway, I kind of just wanted to ask myself a few questions and then answer them today as I am nothing less than a moral authority on big social issues such as this.<br /> <br /> <b>Who cares?</b><br /> -That’s a pretty ignorant way to treat this as this is a major deal in society and sports. People have been waiting for someone to do this for a while now and it has finally happened. Just because Jason Collins isn’t a superstar doesn’t make it any less important. Granted, if someone like Phil Mickelson came out (and he will), it would be a huge story, but this is still a very big story in itself. Let’s be honest, one’s sexuality has no real impact on anything sports-related but anything that takes place which allows us to show how much we’ve advanced as a society is a good thing. No one really gives a shit when women athletes come out of the closet so maybe one day far down the road, no one will mind much when male athletes do the same.<br /> <br /> At the same time, “Who Cares?” is also a pleasant reaction to a pro athlete coming out. Who cares indeed? We live in a world where Jerry Sandusky, Oscar Pistorius, and Kim Jong Un do what they do so we’ve become a bit de-sensitized on the issue of homosexuality and where it stands in regard to societal importance and moral outrage. That is a good thing.<br /> <br /> <b>The guy is a shitty basketball player so why should I really care?</b><br /> -Magary nailed it at Deadspin on Monday. That is completely not the point of any of this. This is a case of a grown man seeing all the shit around him like the Boston bombings and saying “fuck it, life’s too short to not be myself”. Like I said above, this is the first step in a long series of flights of stairs for active modern day gay athletes (male) but now the door is open. The fact that he sucks (and he really does and always has) is irrelevant.<br /> <br /> <b>What happens if he doesn’t play next year coming off of that ferocious 3 point/3 rebound season he just had?</b><br /> -OK, he will absolutely not be playing pro basketball next season. It will have more to do with him being old and bad than being gay. He barely got minutes with the Wizards this year. That is all you need to know. I honestly didn’t even think that Jason Collins was still in the league (and I probably thought the same thing ten years ago). It still doesn’t change anything that I’ve stated above. There will always be dipshits like Chris Culliver in every locker room but this is the start of hopefully a new dynamic of acceptance among meatheads. <br /> <br /> <b>Is Tim Brando right when he Tweeted that Collins is no hero?</b><br /> -I’m not gay so I can’t answer that. I don’t know if Jason Collins is a hero. He isn’t for me. I do know that Tim Brando shouldn’t be telling people who they should look up to though. Apparently, Brando called Darius Rucker a hero a few years ago for doing some probably horrible concert after a golf outing so clearly Tim knows the definition of the word. Prime is my hero because he plays music. <br /> <br /> <b>Is Chris Broussard right when he said that homosexuality is wrong?</b><br /> -On Facebook the other night, Ape said something to the effect that Broussard uses faith as a veil for bigotry. Many times this is true but I don’t think so in this case. By all accounts, Chris lives his life by the teachings of the Bible as he is a born-again Christian. It’s a little tough for me to believe that a guy is a hard-line Christian while covering NBA players but he’s got a job to do and he does it pretty well. I don’t agree with his beliefs in this case but I don’t chide him for answering a question truthfully.<br /> <br /> <b>It’s ESPN’s fault, isn’t it?</b><br /> -Of course it is. They knew what was going to happen if they put him on Outside The Lines to talk about this. They knew EXACTLY what would happen and what the effect would be. The Worldwide Leader had nothing to do with this massive sports and social story so they wedged their way into it with horrible discourse and controversy. They do this ALL THE TIME. If they aren’t at the front of the story then they will force their way into it. It’s disgusting actually. What was once a network designed to show highlights and games has turned into this dumpster fire of “embracing debate”. Debate is fine but creating unnecessary and uncalled for shit storms is not. There is no excuse for why First Take is still on the air. It doesn’t get ratings, the contributors are all terrible and/or racist, and it was just deemed one of the 20 worst shows on all of television. ESPN took a courageous story surrounding something that we have yet to see in sports and literally jizzed all over it. And, you know, they covered Tenor for 15 minutes before mentioning this.<br /> <br /> Now that I think about it, is there any difference between the ESPN Embrace Debate shows and what we do here in the comments? I start things off with a topic. We all pick a side to be on. We assume that whoever screams the loudest wins. No one wins except for the host. We stop arguing and agree to pick things up the next day. What I’m trying to say here is WHERE IS OUR SHOW!<br /> <br /> <b>What next?</b><br /> -I would imagine that slowly we will get more athletes coming forward and that will be great. I think that Aaron Craft has a press conference called for later today actually. It’s cool as shit that all of his Wiz teammates are publicly supporting him so hopefully this is just the beginning. Plus, I think it will be fucking hilarious to see some enraged rube stand up and yell “FAGGOT” at stadiums and arenas because you know that someone out there will. I just hope I’m sitting next to that guy because intolerance of other cultures is always major LULZ to this guy.<br /> <br /> So there you have it. My take on the Jason Collins/Chris Broussard/gay athlete thing. And if you think that this is just typical liberal G$ spouting his pro-homo agenda, just know that I’m in the middle of watching all of Six Feet Under and I can’t stand Dexter and Keith. I fast forward through all of their gross gay scenes (and they are ALL disgusting…no wonder he turned out to be a serial killer on another network and show). There are plenty of things to discuss today even if most of it is just agreeing with me that we should take this site to TV. I can only think of ending this post one way and that is by asking all of you to suck my dick. </article> <article> <h1>Never Too Early For Fantasy Football</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 08:30:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://chrisbrockman.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/ap803620910297.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> <br /></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED WITH A FANTASY FOOTBALL POST?!"</div> <br /> <br /> <br /> Now that G$ has retardedly informed us that the Washington Pigskins are the only team that knows how to draft and the NFL draft is officially over, let's discuss what everyone really cares about. Which rookies will have the biggest fantasy football impact this year. Since this draft wasn't loaded with a ton of sexy talent this year, a lot of these predictions are somewhat modest. But fuck off...it was either this or the NBA. Just be happy it's football. We'll start with a guy that will certainly be on Grumpy's team this year.<br /> <br /> <b>Le'Veon Bell RB - Pittsburgh</b><br /> <br /> The good news? Rapeyberger lost his top OVERRATED target from last year so the Steelers will probably be relying heavily on the run this year. Unless you really believe Antonio Brown is a legit number one. And if you really think that you should rub poop on your tongue. Steeler football has always been give it to your hogs on first and second down then let your QB rape his way out of trouble on 3rd and short. They've abandoned that since Bettis retired to pursue his dream of becoming a disgusting fucking blob and Mendenhall took up terrorism full time. The bad news is that this reeks of committee and Bell is one of three fat fucks that are essentially interchangeable backs. And since Tomlin is now the black Shanahan of fantasy football, the chubber who sees the majority of those carries from week to week could be anyone. Have fun picking the right one.<br /> <br /> What to expect: 525 yards 3TDs<br /> Where to draft: Don't. Unless you're Grumpy. Then 2nd round.<br /> <br /> <b>DeAndre Hopkins WR - Houston</b><br /> <br /> If this guy plays WR the way he tosses his own shit around a hotel room then sign me up! Again...a huge negative here is that the Texans ram Arian Foster up your dick hole for about 75% of the game. And that's why it's annoying as fucking shit when playing against Foster in fantasy football.<b> </b>But there is a slight positive to Houston's unnecessary dedication to the run. With Andre Johnson still commanding double teams, that means whoever lines up opposite of him will most likely be seeing single coverage for the entire game. That guy is Hopkins since Houston finally realized how LULZ it was to have a white guy named Kevin as your #2 threat.<br /> <br /> What to expect: 800 yards 6 TDs<br /> Where to draft: You could probably snag him in the 10th round and feel okay about it.<br /> <br /> <b>Eddie Lacy RB - Green Bay</b><br /> <br /> **BOYFRIEND ALERT** I think Lacy is the best fantasy prospect in this draft. I was stunned when three (I think) other backs came off the board before Lacy fell directly into Ted Thompson's boner.<b> </b>I understand there were some durability issues. Remember they said the same about AP...NOT saying Lacy is AP before you guys start filleting me for that comment. I'm not delusional. I'm just saying that sometimes people are wrong. All I see is a back that averaged 7 yards a carry while sharing the load in the best football conference in the country. That has to translate to the pro level. I expect Lacy to start from day one and produce after struggling the first couple of games.<br /> <br /> What to expect: 1,100 total yards 6TDs<br /> Where to draft: He won't be there past the 4th since I'm sure the fantasy websites will be lining up to take turns blowing him. It just depends on how big your nuts are and if you have the sack to chance it.<br /> <br /> <b>Tavon Austin WR - St. Louis</b><br /> <br /> I'm really torn on this one. On one hand Sam Bradford sucks camel dick. On the other hand Danny Amendola is white, slow and made of used pussy skin. Bonus points: Austin is used to having a shit for brains QB that struggles completing simple passes. I'm going to side with talent on this one and say that Austin is able to produce in his first year. I guess this is less of a ringing endorsement of Austin and more of a "who the fuck else is going to do it" type situation. Now that Stephen Jackson is gone they certainly aren't running the ball this year. And if the Rams continue to be the Rams and always play from behind, then Navajo Sam is going to need someone to throw to. Austin makes the most sense to reap those benefits.<br /> <br /> What to expect: 900 yards 8 TDs<br /> Where to draft: This production estimate is fucking GENEROUS. Having said that I wouldn't want to repeatedly punch my own dick if I grabbed him somewhere in the 7th to 9th round.<br /> <b> </b> <br /> <b>Montee Ball RB - Denver</b><br /> <br /> This is an interesting one, gents. McGahee needs to be sent to the fucking glue factory. And I think he will be sooner rather than later. SHOCKING, he's only 31 but with yet another ACL tear he'll probably run more like he's 71. Also keep in mind that the organization HATES Knowshon Moreno and made him a healthy scratch on more than one occasion last year. It wasn't until they were fucking desperate that they made Moreno the lead back. And he was about as impressive as an egg fart in a broken elevator. The problem with Ball is the dude has some super serial mileage on his bones. The way Wisconsin used Ball is the definition of abusive. We'll have to see if he can hold up but there is definitely some intrigue here.<br /> <br /> What to expect: 700 yards 4 TDs<br /> Where to draft: Any time after the 10th round is probably reasonable. At that point you're drafting backups anyway...or in Grumpy's case, 4th string Steeler running backs. HASHTAG CHRIS RAINEY!!<br /> <br /> <b>Cordarelle Patterson WR - Minnesota </b><br /> <br /> Jennings is in and Harvin is out. Patterson was brought in to fill a void currently occupied by Jerome Simpson and his blossoming drug business. So the upside is that Patterson will see significant playing time. Unfortunately once again we fall into the "stud running back who is focal point of offense while the WR core gets absolutely crippled by the shit dick play of a butt QB" scenario. It won't take Jennings long to realize the error of his fleeing Green Bay ways and for Patterson to completely regret being drafted to a team that starts Christian Ponder. Having said that...<br /> <b><br /></b> What to expect: 400 yards 3TDs<br /> Where to draft: Don't. I've seen comparisons to Troy Williamson and Darius Heyward-Bey. Sounds like a keeper.<br /> <br /> Sleepers to keep an eye on:<br /> <br /> Giovani Bernard RB - Bengals: He's a play maker...and the Lawfirm is not.<br /> Robert Woods WR - It's just too bad Kevin LOLB is the QB in Buffalo.<br /> Joseph Randle RB - Because every back on the Cowboys wears a dress. And Jerruh Jones loves him. And if you have brought a sparkle to Jerruh's eye you WILL get playing time.<br /> <br /> There ya go. Fantasy gold for everyone to enjoy. I've already spent way too much time on this post and there really isn't a good way to end it. Except for FUCK THE STEELERS. That feels pretty right. </article> <article> <h1>The ONLY NFL Draft Recap Worth Reading</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hjsmRHU-Kqw/UXyMvymST_I/AAAAAAAAGRA/4Alfk6Ud3ng/s1600/mathieu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Something about drugs...</td></tr> </tbody></table> Before we get started with the Draft fallout, sonofabitch, the ELITE CBJ just ran out of games and no one fucking helped them out at all. Regardless, it was an amazing season and I'm bananas in love with the future going forward. We'll get them next year. Fuck off, Jeff Carter, you had two chances to get your old teammates (that you sandbagged) a much needed victory and you ate shit in both. No one wants to watch the fucking Wild or Red Wings. Those teams are garbage. BOOOOOOOO!!! The NHL better make it up to us by picking our name out for the #1 pick. We have a 1% chance at that but after watching this team all season, I'll take those odds!<br /> <br /> OK, so I managed to watch a shitload of the Draft as I am wont to do and now I'm able to fire up a winners and losers post today. Read it carefully because this will likely be the only one on the internet. First up, the biggest loser of the weekend was Jon Gruden's boy toy, Tyrann Mathieu! Oh man, I hope that you were watching on Friday night because it was great. The Honey Badger was sitting there like an idiot and then going to play some billiards and general bo-janglin'. And then Bruce Arians and his stupid caddy hat called while everyone lied about him being a great fit with Arizona. The actual great fit is Mathieu and Joe Arpaio's Tent City. Yet it got even better when Trey Wingo interviewed him live. MAJOR LULZ. That was the best. I don't know if Mathieu is a changed man but I am 100% certain that he can't read. There has never been a dumber sounding man than The Honey Badger on Friday night. It's these kind of things that completely justify why I watch as much of the Draft as I do.<br /> <br /> LOSER - The Cleveland Browns! I liked the Mingo pick but not much else made sense. For a roster with massive holes all over it, Mike Lombardi's Fat Ass had no problem dumping picks this year for future picks. That is such a stupid thing. You need players NOW. Are you telling me that there wasn't anyone in the 4th or 5th round that could make your team and be productive? Fuck that. DUMB.<br /> <br /> WINNER - The Cincinnati Bengals! Quietly, the Bingles have been drafting extremely well for years now. Tyler Eifert was an awesome pick that will make Green and Gresham better. They also got a Ray Rice-type back, a freak DE, and a starting safety.<br /> <br /> WINNER - This Pittsburgh Steelers! Jarvis Jones was a great pick that is going to be annoyingly solid forever. I have no idea why they think that Le'Veon Bell is better than Eddie Lacy but this is the same organization that took Rashard Mendenpoop in the first round so maybe they just don't care about running backs. Shamarko Thomas is a really good safety and that Markus Wheaton kid is already the second best receiver on the team. Good work done by bad people.<br /> <br /> LOSER - The Dallas Cowboys! When they drafted a center in the first round with a third round grade on him, apparently Jason Garrett had his head in his hands while scouts were yelling at Jerry Jones' idiot son to not make that pick. They did it anyway. The rest of their picks were also horrible. I've always rooted for Jerry Jones to die but now I think that I'd rather have him live forever because he is absolutely ruining that franchise.<br /> <br /> WINNER - The San Diego Chargers! They got three first round picks without making any trades (Fluker Te'o, and Keenan Allen). Now they just have to get a QB. I did not fail to see how they just lost a Polynesian LB due to body holes and replaced him with another who will one day eat bullets. LOLS! <br /> <br /> LOSER - The Philadelphia Eagles! I don't know what they traded to go get old Bonerz Barkley but they were the one team that had to have Bonerz and that automatically makes them losers. Sorry, Chip, I'm sure that Bonerz will be awesome in your up tempo offense. LOL! Their other picks were pretty good though.<br /> <br /> LOSER - The Buffalo Bills! No one else even comes close. This was such a disaster. Never hire a 75 year old man to be your GM. EJ Manuel is total shit.<br /> <br /> WINNER - The New York Jets! It was a really good draft for them. The only potential franchise QB in this draft fell in their gunts. They replaced Revis and now they might be able to cut El Shitbox. Good weekend for the SHOW YOUR TITS!<br /> <br /> WINNER - The Washington Redskins! - They are going to win next year as well just as a warning. But I actually liked what they did. CB David Amerson is a ball hawker, fast, and big. Phillip Thomas and Bacarri Rambo could be the starting safeties next year (one of them definitely will start this Fall). TE Jordan Reed has the raw skills to be a stud. Plus, our first round pick was 1/3 of RG3. Plus again, if my team drafts a guy with the last name RAMBO then they will be in my heart forever. I also liked them taking Chris Poopson as a third down back.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LMttkQeLwuQ/UX1Ui4pPqrI/AAAAAAAAGRQ/5MnNx7sBC2Y/s1600/denard.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> <br /> LOSER - Denard Robinson! The biggest moment of his life will always be remembered because of his ELITE brother's troll skills. Hilarious. Have fun in Jacksonville, Shoelace.<br /> <br /> WINNERS - The Entire NFC North! I thought that all four teams drafted really well and got much better this weekend (although if I had to pick a loser, it would be the Bears who had some reaches). The Vikings loaded up with three first round picks. The Bears finally addressed the OL and decrepit LB corps without taking that chinaman from Notre Dame. The Lions got a stud pass rusher, solid corners, and a mauler at guard. The Packers might finally commit to the run with Lacy. Well done, NORF!<br /> <br /> WINNER - The St. Louis Rams! Loved it. They are my ultimate and supreme winners of the draft weekend. Austin, Ogletree, McDonald, and Bailey are all SICK players. I'm still not sold on Sam Firewater being a great QB, but he has no excuses now.<br /> <br /> LOSER - The Atlanta Falcons! Not really, they re-did their secondary with Trufant and Alford so that was fine. I was just handing out too many winner ribbons.<br /> <br /> Another fine draft in the books. I'm happy with what I saw. What do you say? Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to find a RAMBO Redskins jersey smeared with gook/comrade/Brian Dennehy blood. It will be my Holy Grail. </article> <article> <h1>"Your Team Sucks At Drafting" Sound Board</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RtXMMVn_8gY/UXnEUHe16OI/AAAAAAAAGQw/-hHAILdBHKc/s1600/ice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Talibaaaaaaaaaan...FUCK YEAH!</td></tr> </tbody></table> You losers probably never knew that Iceman's last name was actual Tsarnaev. What would possess anyone to rear admiral an American flag. I'll tell ya, this man needs to be deported. That is the only solution. Anyway, I'm going to just type a bunch of thoughts throughout the night. This will have zero flow. At least we can all count on an ELITE re-telling of Ide's LIVE NFL Draft experience. Let's just bullet-point the fuck out of this.<br /> <br /> *Nothing better than having Drunk Joe Namath start the draft off right! That guy is a national treasure.<br /> <br /> *Chris Berman is the worst. His gin-soaked mind just can't keep up with this kind of event. His attempts to ad-lib while waiting for Goodell to call the picks were so awkward and painful. Was it possible for him to love Geno Smith more?<br /> <br /> *Speaking of which, Jon Gruden is ass. Why was he constantly talking about The Honey Badger? Not even the Bills (LOL nice front office there) would take a guy who failed double digit drug tests and has not played in a year. Listen, Chucky, leave the analysis to Mel. You are drowning him out after EVERY pick. You don't know anything about these guys. Stop pretending.<br /> <br /> *Thanks for not tipping picks though, ESPN, it's about time that you did something right.<br /> <br /> *I'm not going to individually go through every team's picks today (better analysis from the chief expert comes on Monday) but just recognize how good my mock draft was. My reasoning was sound. Even when the names weren't right, the positions were. BOW DOWN.<br /> <br /> *Feel free to applaud or SMDH at your team's first round pick(s). Just know that I was 100% right about the Browns and what they should do (and did). I should TOTES be whatever Mike Lombardi is. I have to be more qualified than that whale.<br /> <br /> *JACKETS TIME!!! We ain't quittin'! Cam SICK! BOB SAYS NYET! God dammit, it sure does look like we're just going to run out of games but it would be super sweet if the Wild lost tonight so we had three teams fighting for the last two spots on Saturday night. Look, whether we get in or not, we've done all that we could and it has been an awesome season. I know that we will beat Assville tomorrow night...now we just need that help to finally come that we've been waiting two goddamn weeks for. For hopefully not the final time this year: CARRY THE FLAG!<br /> <br /> Alright, that will do it for today. Plenty of talking points even before Ide chips in with his tales of (hopefully) how much he wanted to kill those losers who yelled WHAT every time that Goodell paused his speech. That is a terrible trend that you started, Stone Cold. Now the real winners of professional football start drafting this evening...SUPER BOWL! </article> <article> <h1>G$'s Annual NFL Mock Draft</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Pt4hDjNUlkg/UXggy5KbsyI/AAAAAAAAGQg/9MQJe11afG4/s1600/cousins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kirk was a Tenor before Tim.</td></tr> </tbody></table> Yes, this gem of a picture comes courtesy of Kirk Cousins' earlier days in high school show choir. I look forward to dealing him to the Browns/Bills/Jets next year for a first round pick and more. I mean, now that we have Pat White, Cousins serves very little purpose. Anyway, IT IS DRAFT DAY!!! This is my favorite day of the sports year. Anyone who knows me or has lived with me knows how much I love the NFL Draft. You all are aware by now of my decades-plus long streak of yelling SUPER BOWL! as soon as the Redskins have made their (usually high) first round choice but that will be delayed until tomorrow unfortunately. Whatever, I'm going to be just as glued to the TV tomorrow night as I am tonight.<br /> <br /> This year's draft is OBVZ not very star-studded but there is a HUGE potential for major LULZ with the poopy quarterbacks that bad teams are going to over-draft. As is also tradition here, how about I unleash my mock draft which, I believe, no one else on the internet is doing. I base my picks on there being no trades and based on need. It isn't rocket science. I'm not going to break down every pick, but I will stop along the way to explain myself at points. <br /> <br /> 1. Kansas City - Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M. There is no more important position in football than the one protecting Alex Smith's blind side and tiny hands.<br /> 2. Jacksonville - Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida<br /> 3. Oakland - Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri. Al Davis may be dead but I still expect to cry laughing over who the Raiders take at 3.<br /> 4. Philadelphia - Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan. Chip wants MACtion.<br /> 5. Detroit - Ziggy Ansah, DE, BYU. It makes sense. This guy doesn't have the biggest body of work to go off of but by all accounts, he is a freak pass rusher and the Lions lost Avril and Klan-denbosch. They will address their terrible OT situation later.<br /> <br /> 6. Cleveland - Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon - DON'T DRAFT A CORNER HERE. You don't need two shutdown cornerbacks (especially one with a sketchy injury history). Look at the all of the good teams in the league...none of them have more than one. Good teams build inside out, not outside in. You just switched to a 3-4 so go get the best pass rusher left to go on the opposite side of Paul K-uger. This isn't that hard. Dude played for Chip Kelly so you know he's sick.<br /> 7. Arizona - Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma<br /> 8. Buffalo - Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse. There is nothing more Bills than signing Kevin Kolb and then drafting someone in the first round worse than him. Keep loading up on Syracuse guys though, I'm sure that it will work out well.<br /> 9. New York Jets - Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama<br /> 10. Tennessee - Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah<br /> <br /> 11. San Diego - Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama<br /> 12. Miami - DJ Hayden, CB, Houston. This draft is setting a record for most guys drafted with heart issues.<br /> 13. New York Jets - Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame. McShay thinks that he could go 6 to the Browns...wow. Drafting a TE in the top ten worked out so well for them the last time.<br /> 14. Carolina - Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia. You know how Urban Meyer only recruits "the next Percy Harvin"? Austin is the Harvin of this draft. He'll be ELITE with Cam and Smiff.<br /> 15. New Orleans - Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU<br /> <br /> 16. St. Louis - Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas<br /> 17. Pittsburgh - Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia. This is the best pick for the Trash and they always have the right people fall to them. Jones immediately replaces James Harrison and they won't lose a beat. I assume that Jones will lead the league in fines in no time.<br /> 18. Dallas - DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama<br /> 19. New York Giants - Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State<br /> 20. Chicago - Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford. The Bears signed some OL in free agency so they should concern themselves now with giving Catler another option that isn't bi-polar. Ertz is a freaking animal. <br /> <br /> 21. Cincinnati - Justin Pugh, OT, Syracuse. Got to replace Andre Smith's bosoms and Andrew Whitworth is getting old as shit. Plus, I feel that Mike Brown prefers white guys.<br /> 22. St. Louis - Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee. This guy apparently has a terrible attitude but has Randy Moss skills. I wouldn't be a good guy either if my college coach ate from the toilet.<br /> 23. Minnesota - Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State<br /> 24. Indianapolis - Jonathon Cooper, OG, North Carolina<br /> <br /> 25. Minnesota - Manti T'eo, LB, Notre Dame. I can't wait to hear about all of the times in training camp where All Day fucking ruins him.<br /> 26. Green Bay - Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama. They aren't going to be a legit Super Bowl threat if they can't run the ball.<br /> 27. Houston - Matt Elam, S, Florida<br /> 28. Denver - Kyle Long, OG, Oregon<br /> <br /> 29. New England - Keenan Allen, WR, California. I was unable to get a scouting report from Prime on this guy. But I do know that the Patriots have shitty wide receivers.<br /> 30. Atlanta - Sylvester Williams, DT, North Carolina<br /> 31. San Francisco - Datone Jones, DE, UCLA<br /> 32. Baltimore - Kevin Minter, LB, LSU<br /> <br /> As you can see, it is not the sexiest of drafts. A lot of quality beef but not a lot of good flash. Speaking of which!!!<br /> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gzolBZsEneU/UXggiQ4LxrI/AAAAAAAAGQY/chKgWkEMno4/s1600/dut.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's a pretty solid impression of "Buttfucking Frankenstein"</td></tr> </tbody></table> Oh wow. I had no idea that "The Sugar Bowl That Never Happened" turned into an episode of Queer As Folk. These two fit each other like a glove.<br /> <br /> So there you go. Don't burn yourself out because we will be talking draft tomorrow and Monday as well. What do you want your team to do (besides trade back because everyone wants that)? Who would be your best case first round pick? Worst case? Remember how my team got RG3 last year? That was great. Enjoy the Draft tonight and prepare for an ELITE recap of Ide's trip into the lion's den AKA Radio City Music Hall (I think)! That should be humorous. One more thing...BEAT DALLAS! CARRY THE FLAG! </article> <article> <h1>The Gentleman's Final Curtain Call in Foggy London Town</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 09:00:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lPp7EZVajc4/UXbOp3Z5_0I/AAAAAAAAAHo/IzQRRraqZaM/s1600/baxter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> <br /></div> <div style="text-align: center;"> My dude.</div> <br /> <br /> <br /> Last week I was forced to make the hardest decision I've yet to encounter. Whether or not to put down my dog, Baxter. After careful thought and considering all of our options, we decided it's for the best to put him to sleep. That happens today, men. Today I tip my cap and send my furry brother to canine heaven. Blind, deaf, senile with diabetes/kidney disease is no way for a dog to live, in my opinion. For those of you who are pet owners, you know where I'm coming from. This little son of a bitch has been my right hand man for 8 years.<br /> <br /> Despite all of the shit soup he would make in the bathroom while Wheelz and I were out enjoying dinner. Despite the frantic meltdowns he would have during every 3AM thunderstorm or with every garbage truck that would drive by or if someone would cut a loud fart. Despite the times he would dumpster dive in the kitchen after we went to bed. Despite all of his imperfections he was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time in my life. He pulled me through some of the worst and darkest moments of my life and it sounds really insane...but I'm not sure if I would have made it through if he weren't there with me. It's crazy what kind of loyalty and commitment a dog brings to the table. He never wavered. He never left my side. People could learn a lot from dogs. My only hope is that he always knows I did everything I could to give him the best life a dog could ever have. And I know this is on the verge of becoming incredibly gay and sappy but this is my post, dammit. It's also my therapy. And if I have to be sad then I'm bringing you all fuckers down with me. So join me in grabbing a 40 of your gas station malt liquor of choice and celebrate the life of a damn fine dog by pouring some on the lawn. You will be missed, friend. We'll always be pals.<br /> <br /> Now that I've depressed the shit out of everyone, let's get into the post! Since I'm sure G$ will be blabbing about the draft tomorrow, let's take a break from sports and discuss something everyone here should love as red blooded Americans. Movies. Maybe we have done this post in the past...maybe not. But we're doing it regardless since my brain is on auto pilot. Ever since I quit chewing (3 years this past February) movies have lost a tiny bit of luster for me. Nothing was better than tossing in a fat fucking lip cookie and spitting brown juice into a Gatorade bottle while being entertained for 2 hours. Don't get me wrong...I still LOVE plopping my ass on the couch and killing brain cells with cinema but it's definitely not what it used to be when you subtract the Timberwolf Mint Long Cut from the equation...my cancer of choice.<br /> <br /> So the other day, my brother Jordan and I were discussing movies and the topic of Mount Rushmore of actors came up. I thought this would be a pretty solid post idea since all of our tastes here are different. Ace probably submerges himself in black and white silent films from the 20's because he's a fag, Drew I'M SURE is a closet chick flick collector, Seal has nothing but UK highlight VHS tapes and I, of course, own every Dolph Lundgren movie to ever hit the shelves. Because I'm a sucker for a blond flat top. For my Mount Rushmore I have men only. Because women actors are only good if they show their tits and most are too prude to do it. And let's face it...men are just better.<br /> <br /> 1. Leonardo DiCaprio - This should be a consensus pick on everyone's list. Every last thing this dude touches turns into solid fucking gold. Someone was even smart enough to put Leo in the Great Gatsby remake...which is a terrible movie from the 70's and an even more terrible book. Relax...I was forced to read it in school. Leo's presence in this movie alone is enough for me to be on board. Leo is the reason that I finally watched Blood Diamond...2 years after it came out. It just sat on my shelf collecting dust. Taunting me. Finally I said, "Well...DiCaprio has never steered my wrong in the past. Fuck it." I still get pissed when I think about how long it took me to watch that movie. Never again will I make the same crucial error.<br /> <br /> Best work: The Departed<br /> <br /> 2. Denzel Washington - Another consensus All American selection. If you don't like Denzel Washington then you can GTFO. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Get the fuck out of here right now. If I ever overheard someone saying how Denzel was just "okay" or "nothing special" I would immediately belt them over the head with a sock full of quarters. And yes...I do carry that with me at all times. You never know when you're gonna have to Homie the Clown the shit out of some fucking punk. Denzel's resume is nearly flawless.<br /> <br /> Best work: The Hurricane<br /> <br /> 3. Tom Hanks - Here's where some lists could veer into a different direction. Granted Hanks loses points for being half responsible for the creation of Colin Hanks...but he gains points for doing a damn fine impersonation of every half retarded Alabama football fan in Forrest Gump. I thought I saw someone on here question the greatness of that film in the past. If that's true, show yourself so I can bare knuckle box you to death. Because that movie is fucking fantastic. And Hanks' performance in Catch Me If You Can is so fucking choice. Hanks AND Leo in that movie? I creamed about 9 pairs of underwear while watching that beauty.<br /> <br /> Best work: The Money Pit<br /> <br /> 4. Christian Bale - Here's where the debate begins. His performances in the Batman movies vaulted him into my top 4. Because THAT'S how you do Batman. Plus the fact that he's impossible to work with makes me like him even more. I like my actors as tortured souls who can get set off with the tiniest of mishaps. And Bale has more than a few screws loose. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBND7o0GZn0">Obviously</a>.<br /> <br /> Best work: American Psycho<br /> <br /> There ya go, gents. Hope I didn't depress the fuck out of you too much today. Just know that getting all that out helped and that's part of the reason why we do this as G$ alluded to in an earlier post. So as we warm up to the Browns drafting another guy that will set their franchise back 30 years, lets talk about the leading male actors who really get the dick blood pumping. I'm sure Grumpy will say shit like Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable. Because he's fucking old. Make sure you all follow Ide on Twitter for pictures of him sucking some Mexican's dick as the Jets draft another terrible QB tomorrow. It'll be worth it. Peace out, N-words. </article> <article> <h1>Open Forum: As Seen On TV!</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0dl19D6KhRE/UXWQaFxkSpI/AAAAAAAAGQI/8a-tdA5JHxg/s1600/shamwow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey Chief!</td></tr> </tbody></table> <i>***Update - Iceman was busy watching the Red Wings be worse than the CBJ last night and asked that he do Wednesday instead. I obliged because I have a horse cock.*** </i><br /> <br /> Don't lie. We've all, at some point, got sucked into watching a cheesy infomercial late at night and thinking that that is the greatest product ever. We have all sorts of frozen fruit bags in the freezer at the moment so I decided that I was going to start making smoothies this week. The only problem with that idea was that I broke our blender a few months ago. Apparently, my steroid and stem cell shakes were too awesome and dense. So after telling the wife I was going to buy a new one before she left, she told me to get a Magic Bullet as she had heard good things. For the first time ever, I took her advice and could not be happier. The Bullet is the GOAT. I'm making smoothies my ass off this week. You always worry about whether what you see on TV actually translates to a good and usable product once you buy it...I can assure you that the Magic Bullet does.<br /> <br /> So that's what today's topic will be (before we get to today's commenter pic): As Seen On TV products!<br /> <br /> Slap Chop - What a fucking stupid product. Who sits around bitching about the LEMPH of time that it takes to dice onions? This thing is just itching to lop off your index finger. DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> Garden Weasel/Roto Tiller - This product looks cools as shit as you just stick the prongs into the ground, slightly twist your wrist, and BAM the earf is tilled like a champion. There is no chance in hell that this works. DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> Mighty Putty - Are you fucking kidding me? There's a really good chance that if you need to calk or grout something then you shouldn't be the one doing it or cutting corners with the materials needed to complete the task. I know that when I installed my glory hole and it needed a seal to prevent rot around the edges, I didn't skimp on the materials. DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> Wax Vac - Ah yes, for the person who is too retarded to effectively use a Q-tip! I know that you aren't supposed to jam those things in your ear canal but ear wax is so fucking gross that it is a must. The risk is worth it. I hope that you've seen this commercial that sometimes runs on ESPNEWS. It is beyond LULZ. How can you trust some shitty contraption to suck the wax out of your head? DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> Perfect Brownie - She$ got one of these from her mother two years ago at Christmas and it remains unopened in storage. What a shitty thing. Who are you to tell me how big of a brownie I can eat anyway? Whatever, since my extended family has decided to start doing a white elephant for our December gathering of gluttony, this stupid thing will find a new home soon. DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> Oxi-Clean - I was all pumped about this stuff in college when I would get shithouse drunk, come home at 3 AM, and then watch Billy Mays do his thing while passing out. When it was time for us to move out and clean the place up, there was only one solution that would do the trick...Oxi-Clean. I bought the biggest tub of that stuff that I could find and went to work--certain that we would get our entire deposit back due to how clean we left the place. Unfortunately, Billy Mays died a huge liar because that shit did NOTHING. I'm pretty sure that it was half sand and the other half chalk. It just made things worse. DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> ShamWow - We got a bunch of gift cards to Bed, Bath, and Beyond from getting married and this was the only product in the store that I truly wanted (besides a sweet cutlery set which is mandatory). We got home and I immediately dumped a glass of water on the floor to test it out. How disappointing it was to see it not absorb anything. But that weird guy said that this is made in Germany so you KNOW it's good. If anything, it was actually worse than a normal towel. Having been defeated, I figured that I could use them to was the car or something but they left little orange strands of cloth all over the body of the car. ShamWow SUCKS so hard. DON'T BUY<br /> <br /> Ron Popeil's Pasta Maker and Rotisserie Oven - I have always felt like Ron Popeil and RonCo were the gold standard of the infomercial. I've never experienced the pasta maker but I am well versed in the art of "set it and forget it". What a product. My college buddy, The Assbag, brought the oven over to our place for the Super Bowl and made one of the finest pork loins I've ever had. It was so damn good. He brought over a deep fryer, too, and fried up anything he could find. When combined with the 15 High Lifes, it was a delicious night. BUY<br /> <br /> So yeah, I pretty much only recommend the Magic Bullet and the Rotisserie Oven. The rest of that stuff appears to be garbage but I would love personal stories from the rest of you. There is no shame getting suckered into buying crap.<br /> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-B8QJiTkDyio/UXWQIloeyrI/AAAAAAAAGQA/6feJTSx3L5Y/s1600/grump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jeans aren't skinny enough.</td></tr> </tbody></table> More like "Gun-py" but not "Gunt-py", amirite! There is no way that he didn't shoot himself. I bet he's like Harry Dunn at the end of Dumb and Dumber..."Harry, you're alive! And you're a terrible shot!" Take your shots at the resident broken hip today while I put the finishing touches on my mock draft for <strike>tomorrow</strike> Thursday. </article> <article> <h1>This is OUR F*cking Website!</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 07:30:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l8HeMG7qGDs/UXR4vuY68iI/AAAAAAAAGPo/w__O90zb6a4/s1600/papi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#MoneyShotStrong</td></tr> </tbody></table> I'm on vacation this week so effort here is not really a priority. That's not true. I've got the rest of the week covered for post ideas and a great idea to tack on to the end of these posts so it looks like just today will be a phone-in. My wife-free, work-free vacation got off to a bananas start on Saturday when I ate an entire medium pizza, drank three Molsons, and then fell asleep on the couch at 10:45 (umping a DH at Ide's alma mater in low 40 temps takes a lot out of you). My dog woke me up a half hour later with an attitude of "dude, what the fuck?". He was 100% correct. Does this guy know how to party or what!<br /> <br /> DavIDEson High School can get so fucked. They should burn that dump down. Today's post is simple:<br /> <br /> <b>How's your MLB team looking to you after three weeks?</b><br /> <br /> The Yankees are doing what I expected them to do...still win in spite of all the injuries. Sure, Derek Jeter is out for much longer than we initially thought but 39 year old DJ is not 29 year old DJ. As long as Eduardo Nunez doesn't kick the ball around all over the place (so far so good...knock on wood) then #2's presence won't be missed THAT much. Vernon Wells' corpse and the corpse of Pronk are both on pace to hit 50 home runs. Terrible. Here are a few thoughts on a few of your teams that can get the ball rolling.<br /> <br /> Braves - They should call Justin Upton "Guster" because he is a One Man Wrecking Machine. That is an awful reference. BJ Upton is still shitty.<br /> <br /> Cubs - How is it possible for Carlos Marmol to be even worse than everyone expected?<br /> <br /> Reds - You aren't getting paid to draw walks, Joey Votto.--This sentence could totally fit into a Peter King column.<br /> <br /> White Sox - Bad. Ace doesn't care. He is still smoking meat cigars from 2005. That was 8 years ago, breh.<br /> <br /> Tigers - I might start getting a little nervous about Victor Martinez. He looks horrible at the plate. Well, at least he was before you went out west and I stopped looking at your box scores.<br /> <br /> Indians - LOL starting pitching. At least you have two fireballers ready to come up in Alex White and Drew Pomerantz. Whoops.<br /> <br /> Red Sox - Christ, they're going to ride the wave of post-bomb support to an AL East crown, aren't they? Isn't Clay Buchholz due to sprain his anus soon? By the way, how great was possibly drunk Neil Diamond stumbling onto the field Saturday to sing!<br /> <br /> If I forgot your team, whatever, like I said I'm not putting a lot of effort into today. Please accept this as my penance:<br /> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lAAWQggR6N4/UXR43It00qI/AAAAAAAAGPw/7hvhyRuBrrc/s1600/cakes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: possessed dog, fag, other dog</td></tr> </tbody></table> That's right! Lounging Cakes! Let's try to one-up each other with hilarious captions to this picture (there will be more of these this week)! It's going to be hard to top Ide's Facebook taunt of "nice tinted glasses, Tressel". So take some shots at Cakes today for actually posing for this picture and pissing off his dogs forever. They deserve better than that. That's it. Stay tuned for Dragon Talk hosted by Ide later as well as tomorrow's update from Iceman on Wrigley Field architecture and upgrade blueprints. </article> <article> <h1>Pray For Boston. Do Not Pray For David Boston.</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jMAIVkAbzpA/UXBGq4-OcXI/AAAAAAAAGPY/DrQVtS3aecg/s1600/guy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pictured: Me all next week with Seal's haircut</td></tr> </tbody></table> It’s been a pretty tough week to be an American after the tragedies in Boston, Waco, a Sacramento-area hospital room, and whoever agreed to be in a relationship with J-Rupe (congrats, Tonya…I guess?). But, for me at least, I’m beginning to see the sunshine after the storm. As you probably don’t know or care about, I usually take a week off in April to umpire every day and pray that there is no rain. It always intentionally falls on NFL Draft Week so obviously this is happening next week. Also, She$ notified me (after I had already planned this week off) that she was going to go down to Florida over the same time to visit her sister. No work AND no wife for a full week? YES! This is going to be great. It’s just me and the dog out in the yard chewing on dead animals. There are a few topics that I would like to discuss before I get started on my week of not wearing a shirt very much:<br /> <br /> *The NFL schedule was released last night. The opening game is Ravens at Broncos which should be an ass-kicking because we all know that Peyton Manning is only competent during the regular season (and is not nearly as ELITE as his brother and Joe Flacco). Feel free to break down your team’s schedule in the comments. Anyone who has the Browns over 6 wins can get so fucked. I will probably pick the Redskins to go to the Super Bowl since I won’t be able to do it on Thursday night as is tradition. So sad. I do have a potential Skins game road trip planned though and we all want to know which city Seal and Company will be invading for his BRAHchelor party weekend. These next 6-7 days are sort of the beginning of the NFL season so enjoy it.<br /> <br /> *I’ve probably mentioned this before but I REALLY hate beer snobs. Is there anything more annoying than some pompous ass discussing craft beer and why the beer that you’re drinking is so uncivilized? Look, I don’t mind spending 7 bucks every once in a while on a pint of Shitsniffer’s Caramel Crème Ale or whatever, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with drinking watered-down light beer either. The only people who should be judged for their beer choice are those who drink Natural Light or Beast. That is it. I’m glad that you have a sophisticated palate, Peter King, but any man who puts fruit in his beer is a male Britney Griner.<br /> <br /> *Travis Hafner SICK! It’s going to very LOL-worthy when he stays healthy all year and pumps out 25+ homers. And if he doesn’t, who cares, only an idiot would pay him 8 figures per season.<br /> <br /> *Finally, did you all see that little tribute that the Yankees did for Boston on Tuesday night. They put the team logos next to each other with “United We Stand” or something next to it and then played Sweet Caroline after the third inning as a show of solidarity. At the risk of coming off like a terrorist here, I HATED THAT. I’m not saying this because you expect me to take this point of view given what I’ve said about treatment of your enemies in the past. I seriously was pissed off about this. A moment of silence would have been more than enough. Yes, times are tough in the land of chowder and Tommy from Quincy right now. I get that. It’s not like I’m glad that that happened or wish that more people died or anything, but I can’t help but think that after 9/11 none of those pink hat wearing Massholes were rooting for the Yankees to beat Arizona or singing “New York, New York” at fucking Fenway. Two wrongs make a right when it comes to preserving a rivalry. Fuck that shit. COMPASSION IS WEAKNESS!!!<br /> <br /> Wow. Now that I wrote that out, it sure does sound pretty terrible. It came off a lot better in my head. As a reminder, I am ANTI-TERRORISM. Whatever, the heart wants what it wants and it wants to not have Neil Diamond played in front of our 20K empty seats. Hey Ohio fans focused on conference pride, what I just did is what a rivalry is supposed to look like!!! Two bombs going off doesn’t change the fact that the Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Boston Celtics, and Boston Bruins can all eat shit. I RULE! See you on Monday…good times never seemed so good! </article> <article> <h1>Finally It Ends...</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 07:00:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qPVXQbwaym0/UW8DzS490jI/AAAAAAAAGPE/nxU-cVxvVNo/s1600/lakers_gif.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> Congratulations, everybody, you made it! We all got through the long and tedious NBA regular season unscathed. Oh sure, I’ll have the scars on my forearms forever from the Cavs turning me into a cutter, but we survived. Now that all of the losers have gone fishin’, we can finally get down to the business of…waiting to see who will likely get swept by the Heat in the Finals. Dammit. <br /> I am writing this up before the big games out West have commenced and they are actually quite important to me. You see, the Cavs are allowed to swap first round picks with the Lakers if the make the playoffs (the Heat’s pick which is the last pick in the first round). If the Lakers lost last night and missed the playoffs, that lottery pick goes to Phoenix from the Nash trade. Should the Lakers get in (and I assume that they will because the NBA is crooked) then Cleveland can go from a likely top 5 pick and pick 30 to a likely top 5 pick and a pick somewhere in the mid-teens. That is big and, unfortunately, draft slotting is the only exciting thing about rooting for this team anymore. We need all the help that we can get to lure a certain someone back to Norf Beach (or at least Kevin Love who could re-create Pepsi Max scenes with Uncle Drew for all of eternity). Whatever. I’m sure that they’ll use that second first rounder on Tim Hardaway Jr AKA 2016 Croatian League sixth man of the year.<br /> <br /> Anyway, with the conclusion of the season, it might be time to see how Iceman and I did in our prediction post from early November. There was always a ton of criticism lobbed at Ice for using his weekly forum to discuss pro basketball but he didn’t do that very much at all this year so you should all thank him. He is a man of the people who cleans a mean attic. Today, though, we will take three steps before dunking.<br /> <br /> OVERRATED teams – Iceman went 2 for 2 by calling out the Celtics and the Lakers. I went 0 for 2 with bad picks of the Bulls and Clippers.<br /> Underrated teams – The 76ers are being overlooked, eh, you dumbass? You know nothing! I crushed it by correctly implying that the Hawks and Spurs were being undervalued.<br /> <br /> Breakout Player – We both missed on this one for very different reasons. Hilariously, Iceman was expecting a big year from Zack Prime’s father. I put down Lou Williams but he blew out his knee in January so I’m giving myself a bit of a mulligan for that.<br /> Bold Predictions – They weren’t very good but were definitely highlighted by my partner in internet claiming that the Celtics would miss the playoffs while I wildly stated that James Harden would be a massive failure. Whoops.<br /> <br /> MVP – I picked LeBron. He didn’t. I win.<br /> Rookie of the Year – Nice call on Lillard, Ice. You’ve done well for yourself at assessing the STREMPHs of young black men. It looks like I sort of hedged my bets by selecting Dion Waiters and Andre Drummond. Not bad picks, but both had uneven seasons while showing flashes of superstardom at points.<br /> <br /> Worst team not named Bobcats – Ice picked Orlando. I picked Phoenix. Both are picking in the top 5. What can I say, we both know losers.<br /> Sleeper Fantasy Player – I don’t know if Iceman’s buddy Goran Dragic was worth a shit this year or not. I do know that after a slow start, my boy Ersan Ilyasova, was a stat sheet stuffer as I predicted.<br /> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qCUjHQ7fBvc/UW8DBK2AEYI/AAAAAAAAGO8/5yF1iMEVW6g/s1600/krisdouchebag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Playoff bound!</td></tr> </tbody></table> Playoff picks: I got 13 out of 16. He got 12. I am better. Nice call on Golden State; also a nice call with the Pistons and Wizards.<br /> NBA Champion – well, at least we’re going to get the winner right<br /> Ice: Heat over Clippers G$: Heat over Lakers<br /> <br /> What do you expect from your Pistons/Cavs this season (with record)<br /> Detroit: First, I expect them to be fucking watchable. It's been far too long since I've been able to enjoy a Pistons game that's still competitive deep into the 4th quarter. Second, I expect them to do something about Chaz Villanueva. And by something I mean anything besides issuing him a game day jersey. Cut him, trade him, slice him up into tiny pieces and mail his parts to different parts of the country. I don't fucking care as long as this Uncle Fester looking dick cheese doesn't see the floor. Finally, I expect playoffs. 43-39 should just about do it. (Actual number of wins – either 29 or 30)<br /> Cleveland: I like the make-up and overhaul of the Cavs roster. Don’t get me wrong, they still aren’t close to competing in a much better Eastern conference this year, but they should be more competitive (barring injuries of course). Kyrie is a stud and he and Andy have a dynamite pick and roll game. I don’t think that they will play any defense whatsoever though. It would be nice if Andy could stay healthy all year and maybe draw huge interest at the trade deadline. I see the Cavs winning 33 or 34 games this year and planting themselves firmly in the lottery again. I’ll go with 33-49. (Actual number of wins – either 24 or 25)<br /> <br /> God, our teams suck. Will they ever stop being a disappointment? Needless to say, we did OK. If you want to call us out on anything today, go for it. If you don’t want to talk about the NBA playoffs, I’m not going to stop you. If you want to talk about the NHL Western Conference playoff chase (WHO DOESN’T?), I will gladly jump in on that convo. You’ve been around here long enough. You know how it works. <br /> <br /> The Lakers had better have fucking won last night or I’m going to be SO MAD BRO. Either way, when the playoffs end in 9 months, the last team standing will have actually earned a ring. That will be a pleasant surprise. </article> </main></body></html>