Here's Someone That We Can All Hate</h1> <article> <h1>Here's Someone That We Can All Hate</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 09:01:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_CYjsNbpulU/TyHAYX6fqDI/AAAAAAAAFEw/a6Axmhe3iUE/s1600/Gunner_Kiel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You take that goddamn shirt off right now, fucker.</td></tr> </tbody></table>The first time that I heard Terrelle Pryor speak, I knew that I was going to hate him forever. When I read about Bryce Brown, I felt the same way. Just one look at an 18 year old Jimmy Clausen damn near sent me on a homicidal spree. Sometimes you just know right away that you are going to loathe someone whether they’ve done anything wrong or not. And today I would like to announce that even though he is still in high school, I already despise Notre Dame commit (at least for now), QB Gunner Kiel from Columbus, IN (Oh God, I’m talking about recruiting…NOOOOOOOO!!!).<br /> <br /> I’ll give some back story to winners like Prime and Grumpy and Seal who don’t live and die by college football recruiting. Kiel initially committed (around a year or so ago, I think) to Indiana. It probably had a lot to do with new coach Kevin Wilson being an offensive guru and a little to do with being close to home. Either way, I found it sort of noble that one of the nation’s ELITE quarterback prospects would try to rebuild such a terrible program. He seemed determined to be a local hero. Not only would he be BMOC in Bloomington, but had Kiel been half as good as recruiting services think, he would have been skull-fucking a new sexy coed every night for the rest of eternity. And in today’s day and age, it doesn’t matter where you play because you will be televised and pro scouts will see you.<br /> <br /> But alas, Indiana blows. Gunner (not Nelson) realized that he didn’t want to waste four years on a bad Hoosier team, so he de-committed from them and pledged allegiance to Les Miles. Why he felt that he needed to verbally commit at all, I do not know. I really hate the whole verbal commit thing anyway (since stupid kids change their minds all the time) but that is beside the point. Either way, he made a lot of enemies at IU by shitting on them and decided to head to the Bayou. Oh, he was a “verbal Tiger” for about 30 seconds before de-committing (again). This time it was because mommy and daddy didn’t want their little Gunner to be so far away. WHAT A FAGGOT FAMILY!<br /> <br /> A few days later (my timeline might not be 100% correct on this, but its close enough), Gunner Kiel announces that he will attend Notre Dame in the Fall (just like Sean Astin and Mateus!). Les Miles, not wanting any pussies in his program, didn’t even bother coming up to Indiana to convince him to come South. He just let him go (and rightfully so). Mark Schlabach was on ESPN the night of this decision and pretty much crushed the Kiel family. The reporter said that the Kiels pretty much went through the depth charts of all the big problems that had made offers, identified the programs without much competition under center, and made their choice based on that. Basically, Gunner Kiel went through three schools in six months and settled on the one that would be the easiest. Yes, he is going to South Bend because he doesn’t want to have to compete. Kiel wants the starting job handed to him.<br /> <br /> <div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">FUCK. THIS. KID. And definitely fuck his mom and dad in the gash. This is just one of the many reasons that I hate recruiting and National Signing Day so much. 18 year old kids are shit weasels and no one should give a prolapsed uterus about what they say or do. Gunner Kiel is a perfect example of this. He made a mockery of the entire (flawed) system and left two programs twisting in the wind because he and his family are morons.</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br /> </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I look forward to the first time when Brian Kelly goes all “angry, red-faced troll” on him on national TV for the entire world to see. I can’t wait to see how this mama’s boy reacts to that. Anyone want to bet that Ma and Pa parent the same way that Craig James does? In a way though, Kiel and the Irish are a perfect fit for each other. Douchebags deserve to be surrounded by other douchebags at a place designed by and built for douchebags. It truly is a match made in Hell.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br /> </div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">In conclusion, fuck Gunner Kiel and fuck Notre Dame. That is all. And I probably just opened the comments up to a whole shitstorm of recruiting mumbo-jumbo. In that case, fuck me, too.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>LeBron James Wants To Come Home...Wait, WHAT!</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 09:28:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fun-l0H994s/TyBpljcgqZI/AAAAAAAAFEg/OZMDYTtjaTE/s1600/lebron.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stop mocking Mike Utley, you sonofabitch!</td></tr> </tbody></table>On Tuesday night, chapter of 5 of LeBron vs. Cleveland took place down in Souf Beach. The Cavs played hard (but not smart), LeBron was terrible, and somehow Chris Bosh single-handedly beat the talented, but not good, Cavaliers. I don’t ever like to see my boys lose to that fucktard egomaniac, but I’ve gotten used to #6 continually shoveling shit on his hometown. I'm sorry--he isn't FROM Cleveland. He's from Akron which is waaaaaay different even though it isn't at all. Clear? Thought so. <br /> <br /> We’ve been over this ad nauseum here but The Decision and the fallout from that was something totally different and never before seen in the sports world and is likely to never be replicated again. Or are we approaching “The Reversal”? Are you ready for the apocalypse? I hope you're sitting down for this.<br /> <br /> Per Fox Ohio’s Sam Amico (<a href="http://www.foxsportsohio.com/01/24/12/Once-again-uncertainy-surrounds-LeBron/landing.html?blockID=652216&feedID=3725">from 1/24</a>):<br /> <blockquote class="tr_bq">Now, there is talk that James is less-than-thrilled with certain aspects of the Heat organization. Sources in Miami (<i>which is TOTES Brian “Fatty Windmill” Windhorst</i>) say that while James still thoroughly enjoys playing alongside fellow stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, he doesn’t particularly care for the heavy-handed and disciplined style of team president Pat Riley.<br /> <br /> James can opt out of his contract at the end of the 2013-14 season, and speculation is he will strongly consider it if Riley remains in his current role. <b>And the team James would be eyeballing most in free agency, say those close to the situation, would be the Cavs</b>.</blockquote><br /> <br /> First of all, WHAT THE FUCK? You can’t write things like this when my psyche is still fragile! I have not recovered fully from The Decision yet despite my gruff and sexy demeanor! How am I supposed to deal with this news!<br /> <br /> But back to LeBron, can this guy ever commit to anything long term? Even if this never happens, I’m willing to bet that he’s at least considering it. Otherwise, why would anyone be talking about it all. Now, this is a LONG way from being a reality and probably won’t happen anyway, but let’s just imagine that on July 1, 2014, LeBron James decides that he’s had enough of playing with his “super friends”.<br /> <br /> 1. Leaving Miami would be an admission of failure or wrong-doing and LeBron doesn’t do shit like that. Let me be clear, LeBron James has never ever been wrong about anything according to LeBron James.<br /> 2. Without knowing cap situations, I would imagine that the Lakers (Kobe should be gone by then) or the Knicks would be way more attractive.<br /> 3. There is no fucking way that LeBron and Dan Gilbert can work with each other again. NO. FUCKING. WAY.<br /> <br /> Let’s put all of that aside though, what if he truly wants to come back home? What happens then? Would the fans welcome him back? I mean, these people got taint-punched on national TV and the entire world saw it. That wound hasn’t healed yet and it may never. Would he apologize? I doubt that which gives me no reason to forgive him.<br /> <br /> I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last 12 hours; trying to gauge what my reaction would be if that backstabbing sumbitch donned the wine and gold again (one more time, we are way too far away from this being a possibility but the internet was built for shit like this). I am well aware (Iceman) that I helped create the global icon monster and maybe I deserved to be raped by a thousand humble pies. But what do you do when that monster comes back with his hat in hand? Goddamn this hypothetical situation fucking sucks! I honestly have no idea how I would respond since I never considered it to even be a remote possibility. I just assumed that I would spend the rest of my days rooting for him to break his legs.<br /> <br /> After much thought (and obvz this could change if this scenario appears to be a potential reality), I say “fuck him”. No. The door is not going to be left open for your return. You moved on and so did we. The Cavs franchise isn’t some skank that you call up at 4 AM after striking out at Aztec. It’s about principle. I like to think that my fellow Cavalier fans would agree with this sentiment. If he wants to walk away from the Basketball Philadelphia Eagles, he can set his sights somewhere the fuck else.<br /> <br /> But seriously, can you imagine if he opts out in 2+ years? That would be some wild-ass shit. He would be hated by EVERYONE. I look forward to it.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>PRINCE TO THE TIGERS SUCK MY COCK</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 08:59:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UHrtFXwpOR8/Tx8aqL8Oa_I/AAAAAAAAFEQ/uZh4HxKJTgE/s1600/Cecil_Fielder.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why was I not made aware of this ELITE tournament?</td></tr> </tbody></table>The title is an actual text message received from commenter Drew at 3:08 pm yesterday.<br /> <br /> Well, I was all set to unleash a mild-mannered open forum-style post today until news broke yesterday that the hated Tigers swooped in and signed Prince Fielder to a GIGANTIC deal that should be sending tremors (with or without Fred Ward) through the baseball world. Obviously, all of us smart people have the initial reaction of “God dammit, those white trash hayseeds cobbled enough food stamps and welfare checks together and signed a vegan lardo that will probably make them ELITE.” Yeah, unfortunately, your gut instinct is probably right.<br /> <br /> Just as an unbiased baseball observer, this is TOTES a great move for the Tigers. It provides Johnny Walker Brown with some much needed protection in the order. It signals the likely end for Fagglio. It makes an already strong lineup even better. And if the other contenders for Li’l Cecil’s services wanted him, they shouldn’t have dicked around for so long. That last point reminds me of how the Yankees ended up with MarKKKKKKK Teixiera a few years ago. There are a few things that make me scratch my head though:<br /> <br /> 1. Are Fielder and Cabrera just going to rotate between 1B and DH? I’m sort of surprised that Prince would agree to be a half DH actually but, then again, he doesn’t look like a guy that enjoys physical exertion.<br /> 2. Where are the Tigers getting this money from? It could be a pretty weird dynamic in that clubhouse with 5 or 6 guys hauling in 90% of the payroll.<br /> 3. I am reminded of Cowherd’s opinion on why the Cards should let Pujols go. Where are they getting the extra revenue? Sure, the Comerica attendance is solid, but most of the financial heavy hitters get their bank from their network deals. I don’t get the feeling that FSD and Rod Allen are going to be forking over nine figures to broadcast Tigers games. “Mike Illitch is a coke and nuclear arms dealer” is what I’m trying to say.<br /> 4. It looks good now, but be careful. Remember, everyone thought that the Red Sox were a shoe-in after signing Crawford and trading for Gonzo. And you know how Halladay and Cliff Lee were supposed to go on an 8 peat? Sometimes your well-laid plans get stuck up your well-laid ass.<br /> 5. I guess this means that Victor Martinez will go back to catching then (when healthy)??? He seems to be shit out of luck with this signing.<br /> 6. BRING BACK BRAD PENNY.<br /> 7. Doesn't son hate father? I thought that I read that somewhere. It sort of surprises me that he would go to the place where his dad made his name but money talks I guess. <br /> <br /> I really hate it when teams that I loathe go out and make (at least on the surface) tremendous moves. I guess that we’ll just all have to take solace knowing that in 4 years, the two guys splitting time between DH and first base will look like those fat twins on the motorcycles. You know, these guys:<br /> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MpDBAr-8Vsw/Tx8az-l-sKI/AAAAAAAAFEY/uQgYOL4tqxM/s1600/fat-twins-on-motorcycles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Think of it this way, the 2016 Tigers are going to be hilarious.</td></tr> </tbody></table>I hate the Tigers and I hate it even more that they are going for it. But just know that if we can keep them ringless over the next 3-4 years, they are going to be fucking abysmal after that. Their team plane is going to need to stop at all weigh stations.<br /> <br /> And let me give you Tigers fans a bit of advice: You are done with the Indians. They mean nothing anymore. You are officially in the big boy club (with NYY, BOS, LAA, and TEX). Stop dwelling on the shitheads. It's all about titles now. Anything less is a failure and a waste of a season.<br /> <br /> Oh, and my original post idea for today had to do with the retirement of Jorge Posada and how I hated him as a player. He was a lazy turd behind the plate and had no idea how to call a game. So the idea was to reminisce about players on your favorite teams that you hated (like how every Browns fan hated Braylon Edwards). If you want to contribute to that then have at it, hoss. Or you can talk about how much you hate the Tigers. Either one will suffice.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Don't Be So Obtuse!</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:37:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.wikia.com/villains/images/e/e0/Warden-norton-shawshawnk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> "What? What the fuck did you just say about Eli?"<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> ELITE Shawshank reference right there^. Jesus Christ. Have we all gone fucking mad? Normally, I would just ignore all the insane babble I've heard over the past two weeks but I've reached the point now where I just can't any longer. G$ slipped this little nugget in yesterday and I'm stunned at how little response it received. People just sat back with blank stares and sort of nodded in agreement. So guess what, fuckers? We get to talk about it today. Here it is: Eli Manning is BETTER than Peyton Manning. Hold on...<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://gifsoup.com/view/783811/crazy-laugh-o.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br /> <br /> That's better. So. Is this what the world has come to? Drew being the only sensible voice of reason at the Money Shot?? Someone get me a pint of rat poison and a dildo so I can fuck myself stupid while I die slowly. I'm offended anyone actually thinks this way. Now, I'll give Mike Greenburg a pass because he gets paid to be a passive aggressive turbo pussy. I would even give Cowturd a pass since he's the town retard that can often be found playing in piles of goat shit. But I hold the readers here to a higher standard and you should be ASHAMED of yourselves...minus Drew. Giraffe Neck sits out one year and we forget just how fucking ELITE he is?! That's sad. Peyton Manning will always be the alpha male of the Manning family...no matter how many Super Bowls Snatch Face wins. You want reasons? Oh...I gots reasons.<br /> <br /> Accuracy - Peyton is a fucking surgeon. He can literally put it anywhere he wants. He's completed less than 62% of his passes in only one year...his rookie season which happened to be his worst. Some of those years probably could have been higher if not for having so many non-black and fake Mexican receivers named Gonzalez with flaccid penises for hands. In eight seasons Eli has 4 seasons under 60% and 4 over. Eli's most accurate season? 63%. Peyton has had 9 seasons better than that.<br /> <br /> Defense - First, I will acknowledge that the Giants defense AS A WHOLE this year was a leaky anus despite having a tits pass rush. 2007-08 was a different story as the Giants defense was filthy and ranked 7th in total defense. Meanwhile, Peyton's supporting defensive cast is always hilarious. It's insulting, almost, how few shits are given about defense in Indianapolis. Peyton has always had to play from behind with fewer mistakes and a fuck ton more pressure since the game is always in his hands. Thanks for nothing shitty defense!<br /> <br /> Terrible Losses - Indianapolis always has that division wrapped up by week 12. Not that he's every been in this position before but Peyton Manning would never allow his team to lose to the Redskins at home when a playoff birth is on the line. EVER. He beats the teams he's supposed to while Eli is getting the shit Sex Cannon'ed out of him.<br /> <br /> Knowledge - We've all seen it. Peyton is like a fucking tweaker having a seizure when he's calling plays at the line. Is it annoying? Sure. But I'm sure it's exponentially more annoying being a Giant running back when Eli audibles to a 32 dive into the teeth of a power blitz. Peyton never does that for two reasons. First, he recognizes a blitz or coverage that was drawn up on Tuesday. Second, Peyton knows that if Addai gets hit by more than two defenders at the same time he's sure to lacerate his uterus...again.<br /> <br /> Turnovers - I have no statistical proof to back this up, but I would bet just about anything that Eli makes more mistakes than Peyton late in games. Eli throws more picks so chances are he throws more late game picks. Makes sense, right? Plus, I've seen Eli's "Who just egg farted in the car" face more than Peyton's "Dead fetus" face on SportsCenter after dumb shit throws.<br /> <br /> Don't get me wrong. Eli has definitely come into his own and has clawed out of the QB group that houses the Matt Ryan's and Matt Schaub's of the world. But when I think about Peyton vs. Eli, it's pretty simple for me actually. Peyton has had more playoff appearances, has better stats, throws a better ball, understands the game better, has a longer giraffe neck to survey the field better, doesn't have a hairy vagina, knows what marbles are and makes hilarious commercials. The only question you really need to ask yourself is...who would you rather have quarterbacking a game winning drive? Who do you trust to make the audibles, manage the clock and make the throws that are going to win you the game? Peyton over Eli every fucking time. Unfortunately I won't be around today to defend myself against all the mule's that think Eli is better. I'll be in Michigan all day doing big boy work stuff so enjoy your day off from Iceman, dick lickers.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Worst of The Conference Championships Vol.V</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 10:16:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Bqo8yx0pAFE/TxxlY-Wfu3I/AAAAAAAAFEI/EWJRinlGP9g/s1600/paterno.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dad, if it's OK, I want to host a tweet-up at your funeral.</td></tr> </tbody></table>Joe Paterno has died. I assume that most of you are expecting some sort of crass response from me today. I don't think that that is going to happen though. The guy died. He lived a full life while accomplishing so much. He had a fairly titanic fuck-up that will effect his legacy forever, but in the end, he definitely did more good in his lifetime than he did bad. I predicted that he wouldn't make it a year after getting fired. He only made it 73 days. Sure, they say that it was from complications with chemo, but legendary medical practitioners like Beano Cook, Brent Musberger, and Dr. Lou Holtz have all claimed that a broken heart did him in. When I asked Darth Vader about JoePa dying from a broken heart, he said, "NOOOOOOOO!" Prime might be the only commenter to laugh at that, but he will laugh and that is all that I need. So this site's stance for Joe Paterno is simply "Rest in peace, old man". But I do have a few other thoughts surrounding Paterno's death before we get into the NFL action:<br /> <br /> 1. Who was the first reporter from ESPN to arrive on the scene? Tom fucking Rinaldi. I knew it. Rinaldi killed Paterno.<br /> 2. I laughed every single time that ESPN showed some dumbass family of Penn State fans walking up to the Paterno statue and touching it. YOU PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS! At what point does it make sense that you drag your little kids down to Beaver Stadium to touch the bronze statue of an old man?<br /> 3. Does Jerry Sandusky show up to the funeral? That would be the greatest thing ever.<br /> 4. Finally, what really bothered me was how JoePa was on his deathbed and the family was called in to say their last goodbyes, but there was Jay Paterno firing off tweets. Look, I hate Twitter and I always will. But it's a huge problem to me when the son is tweeting health updates of his dad from the hospital. I like to think that it went down like this:<br /> <br /> SuePa - Jay, it's time to say goodbye to your father. He can't speak, but the doctors think that he can hear you.<br /> JayPa - Hold on a second, mom, I just need to let the fans know how much their support means and that dad is hanging in there.<br /> SuePa - That's sweet of you. Well, hurry up because--<br /> JayPa - HOLY SHIT! "JAY PATERNO" IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE!<br /> SuePa - That's great, son, but you need to--<br /> JayPa - I'M UP TO 15,000 FOLLOWERS! I JUST PASSED WILMER VALDERRAMA! SUCK IT, FEZ!<br /> SuePa - Your dad just died. I hope you're happy.<br /> JayPa - I'll let the world know. It's what dad would have wanted.<br /> <br /> Basically, when you are about to lose a family member, put the goddamn iPhone away. Fucking asshole. Jay Paterno can eat shit.<br /> <br /> Speaking of family, if you pay money to follow my Facebook feed, you may have noticed that my in-laws AND my mom were all crashing at my house on Saturday night. I know that Brady wants some great stories about this, but I have none. This is what I want/ask. If you are going to infringe on my time, one night is all that you get. It isn't a weekend thing. You get in and you get out. Everyone was gone by 9 am on Sunday so I'm OK with that. Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams, brah.<br /> <br /> <b>Lesley Visser</b> - I started the above portion of this post during the CBS pregame show. Visser is in Frisco talking to Vernon Davis. She looks like a morgue resident. Whoever did work to her face should be ashamed of themselves. If you didn't know, Lesley Visser is married to Dick Stockton. Can you imagine those two fucking? Gross.<br /> <br /> <b>Commenter Drew</b> - He actually sent me a text on Friday night asking that I videotape myself breaking in my DFL Trophy and posting that video here. Again, gross. And Drew is gay for G$. That feeling will not reciprocated. Now let's fire that fucking pigskin:<br /> <br /> <b>James Brown!</b> - That was a real hard-hitting pregame interview with the E-Trade baby. Jesus, who gave the OK for that segment to air?<br /> <br /> <b>Steven Tyler</b> - His rendition of the national anthem made me want to move to Guatemala.<br /> <br /> <b>Joe Flacco haters such as myself</b> - Let's be honest, the guy was pretty damn good yesterday. I'm not going to say something crazy like he was ELITE, but the Fu Manchu was the best QB on the field. Yeah, I said it.<br /> <br /> <b>Tom Brady</b> - Not a good game from the Dreamboat. His interceptions were terrible (who throws a deep ball to a triple-covered Matthew Slater?) and he missed some wide open throws. It didn't help that Wes Welker was sort of a turd, too.<br /> <br /> <b>Julian Edelman</b> - Why was he covering Anquan Boldin exactly? I hate Edelman. He has no business being on an NFL field.<br /> <br /> <b>Ray Lewis</b> - I'm dead serious, #52 does NOTHING. He plays the exact same way that Reba played defense in high school. He lets someone else make the tackle and then he jumps on the pile. Except it's not funny when Ray the Murderer does it. I hope he retires. I'm tired of his bullshit antics.<br /> <br /> <b>Billy Cundiff</b> - I say this with 100% conviction...I could make a 32 yard field goal 80% of the time. It's going to be a shame when the duo of Tom Rinaldi and Ray Lewis kidnaps and murders the Cundiff family. But let's be honest, it should have never came to that.<br /> <br /> <b>Lee Evans</b> - Everyone knows that Lee Evans is the worst football player in NFL history and he proved it with his game-losing touchdown drop on 2nd down. That was an embarrassment. Evans is the worst. Sure, the kicker could have sent the game to overtime, but The General Lee actually did send the Ravens home. FACT! I bet that ELITE Billz fans like Daniel were LOLing like bastards when he dropped that easy touchdown pass. I wasn't expecting to be entertained by the AFC game but it exceeded my expectations. That was a great finish to a better than average game. I'm not sure that the better team won but I don't care because the team that I wanted to lose, lost. I'll take it. Fuck the Ravens.<br /> <br /> <b>Ed Hochuli</b> - What is it going to take to get this guy to shut the fuck up? He uses 400 words for something that only needs 8 words. I used to think that he was cute with his big arms and terrible officiating, now I just want him to get his throat ripped out by a bear. Jerome Booger or GTFO.<br /> <br /> <b>Kyle Williams </b>- Nice punt returning, jerk. You suck about as much at that as your dad does at producing a quality product on the baseball field. This guy better not have a job next year. Terrible player.<br /> <br /> <b>Pussies</b> - If you are a pussy, the NFC Championship Game was not for you. That was some great, physical football. Everyone on that field beat some ass. I loved it. It was different from the Ravens/Steelers games where everyone postures and acts like an asshole over any hit. This was just a no nonsense dick-stomper of a game. I wish that I could watch those two teams play every week.<br /> <br /> <b>Devin Thomas</b> - Made two more plays last night than he did in three years with the Skins. Fucking asshole.<br /> <br /> <b>Peyton Manning</b> - I'm going to say it now, Eli is better. Yeah, and I mean it. I'll tell you why and it has nothing to do with fantasy football or stats or all that other stuff: I've never watched the Colts in the postseason and thought that they were going to win. I do think that about ELITE's Giants. I take no joy in this admission because I hate the NYGs. I just feel like it needs to be said while I wait for the Redskins to stupidly trade for the worse Manning in the next month or so.<br /> <br /> So we're getting a rematch in the Super Bowl. Pats/Giants after two pretty great games yesterday. I can live with that. If you asked me to make my Super Bowl pick today, I see no reason to bet against Eluck and that Giants front four. Kyle Williams, Billy Cundiff, or Lee Evans...who is more likely to commit suicide?<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Rob Lowe, JT, Soulja Roy, and Picks Before The Weekend</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 09:23:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8H_2Tc9bFh0/Txisq7WHSEI/AAAAAAAAFEA/xzR94jvSuVc/s1600/lowe" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>I think it's really funny that Rob Lowe is breaking huge news on his Twitter page. He claims that he has a "darn good" source stating that Peyton Manning is done with football and that's good enough for me. Granted, his source is either Andy Dwyer wearing a Reggie Wayne jersey or Detlef Schrempf, but whatever. I'm not here to judge. If Lowe wants to break big ass NFL stories, then that's cool. Let's be honest, I'm sure that Pralines and Dick is closer to Peyton's inner circle than some dork like Mort or John Clayton is. Basically what I'm trying to say here is that you should expect Ron Swanson to unveil some earth-shattering news about Stihl Timbersports any day now.<br /> <br /> I guess that the Colts are interested in naming Jim Tressel as their next coach as well. Whoa! That would be some fun stuff. That would be some promotion from "worthless guy in a box" to head coach though. Tress might be back! WEEEEEE!!!<br /> <br /> I can't believe that I forgot to mention this earlier this week but in the waning seconds of Florida State's buggering of North Carolina last weekend, Roy Williams pulled his Heels off the floor for "safety" purposes. Colonel Sanders was a fraidy cat about fans storming the floor. WHAT A BITCH! Soulja Roy has been around long enough to know that you take your losses like a fucking man and that means dealing with the students in opposing gyms. You don't yank your guys off the floor just because you let some asshole name Dulkys knock down a million threes. Pussy shit. Not even a faggot like Coach K would pull that crap. North Carolina and Lange are shitbirds.<br /> <br /> Now, time for my predictions of the Conference Championship games. I had a fairly productive last week going 5-3. Prime owned all of us with a 7-1 weekend. mdrgolf made his triumphant return with a solid 5-3 slate. And bringing up the rear were Dut, Brady, and Jeff who all went 1-7. Clearly, they know nothing about football. Wait a minute--Browns fan, Browns fan, Steelers fan...yep, they know nothing about football. Onto the picks with the standings to follow:<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>The Wire @ Cheers -7.5 O/U 50.5</b><br /> I find it absolutely hilarious yet somewhat commendable that Ed Reed openly calls Joe Flacco a shit salad yet #5 gives no fucks. That's sort of cool actually. EVERYONE is on Flacco for being Trent Dilfer's bastard son but he still keeps his ELITE swagger that he has no business having. I would compare it to Eddie House who is a God awful basketball player but will shoot 35 footers and not even think twice about it. Great analogy, G$! Flacco is Eddie House! The Patriots appear to be on a mission again. I think that they sense that the Giants are waiting in the wings and they want their revenge. So I expect them to take care of bid-ness on Sunday afternoon. Basically, I don't want to see two straight weeks of Ray Lewis interviews. He sucks. And GRONK, N-WORD is going to spike a ball through his stabby chest. <i>Patriots 31-17 UNDER</i><br /> <br /> <b>Gotham City @ Lisp City -2.5 O/U 42.5</b><br /> Apparently, ELITE Manning has been leaking doo-doo butter the past few days and this is a story that the media wants to blow out of proportion. They don't realize that the luckiest QB of all time just has to close his eyes and wing it and someone on his team will catch it and score. I am rooting for the Niners big time because I don't like the Giants and I do like Harbaugh. It's pretty simple. But do I believe that they can beat a team as hot as NYG? The Giants aren't going to put a loser like Malcolm Jenkins on Vernon Davis all game. They will stuff the run. Michael Crabtree is going to have to actually catch a football. Basically, that's what I think it comes down to. If Crabtree can be a stud, the Niners and NFL MVP David Akers will win. Unfortunately, Crabtree sort of blows. And San Fran won their Super Bowl last week. They can't do it two weeks in a row. Should be a good game, but get ready to watch ELITE Manning celebrate like a ferry. <i>New York 24-23 OVER</i><br /> <br /> Standings after two weeks:<br /> 10-6: Prime, Li'l Strut<br /> 9-7: GMONEY<br /> 7-9: Ide, Drew, Damman<br /> 6-10: Jeff, Dut, Iceman<br /> 5-11: Seal, Andrew, mdrgolf<br /> 3-13: Brady...the biggest moron ever<br /> <br /> Honestly, you have to be a real idiot to not pick a New England/NYG Super Bowl (which probably means that we're going to get a terrible Harbaugh Bowl rematch). You know that it's going to happen. So enjoy the football this weekend and we'll be back on Monday to laugh at the players that cost their teams a Super Bowl title shot (Joe Flacco).<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>My Dinner With Rinaldi</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 09:07:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rUq_hdL22Z0/Txcs7UGUfoI/AAAAAAAAFDY/4ScgyJSHOOA/s1600/rinaldi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Tom Rinaldi has been a reporter for ESPN since who the fuck knows when. He always seems to show up wherever bad shit is going down. Seriously, he is <i>EVERYWHERE</i>. And yet he managed to find a few minutes to sit down with yours truly for the first ACEterview in a long time. Enjoy it now because shit's about to get weird...<br /> <br /> <b>G$</b>: Thanks for agreeing to do this, Tom. You are easily the third best fake interview that The Money Shot has ever done.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AyBwskghtoc/TxctBDFfojI/AAAAAAAAFDg/5f2DPAvvH2Y/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR</b>: Indeed, you should be honored. Like I once told Tiger Woods, "nothing beats eating out at a Perkins".<br /> <b>G$</b>: Hmmmm, interesting and bizarre analogy. Anyway, how did you get started as a broadcast journalist?<br /> <br /> <b>TR</b>: It's actually a warm and wonderful story that has entertained many at country club soirees that I so often attend. I was a small-timer, fresh out of college, trying to find my way in this tough business of reporting. I was the beat reporter for the Colts at the time for Central Indiana Queertarly. I was just meandering around Indianapolis one afternoon trolling for ass and it dawned on me. Now, this was the year that the Colts got to 14-0, remember?<br /> <b>G$:</b> I do. Dungy totally fucked that up.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-esU_Z2-l0n0/TxctJTbhJLI/AAAAAAAAFDo/YbYmh1QPqeU/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR:</b> Did he? Like I said, I was trolling for ass when I stumbled upon this lovely mulatto boy, couldn't have been more than 16-17 years old. Boy, did we rearrange each other's large intestines that night! Heck, for the next three months we were both pretty much living inside each other! The passion was too intense. I often found myself so spent that I couldn't move. I gained sustenance by drinking his post-coital sweat. Eventually, I found out about his family and who his parents were...<br /> <b>G$</b>: Wait a minute--you were fucking James Dungy?!?!<br /> <b>TR:</b> Yes. And that is how I got my big break. I knew that he was falling in love with the taste of my chest hair but I also understood that if I could have a hand in derailing a potential perfect season and be the first on the scene, I would have made it. So I cut off all communique with the young, caramel scamp, broke his heart, and--boom--two weeks later he's swinging from a ceiling fan. And guess who was hired by ESPN shortly after covering the shit out of the gay suicide and ruined season? THIS GUY!<br /> <br /> <b>G$:</b> Holy shit. That is awful. How can you live with--<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DCt8AUL48o8/TxctQURIgYI/AAAAAAAAFDw/vVlOd1DEmC4/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR:</b> But that wasn't my first dalliance with underage boy butt. You know how everyone thinks it's funny that Jerry Sandusky keeps claiming his innocence and that he never did anything with those boys? He's right. Trust me, he's 100% innocent. That was all me.<br /> <b>G$: </b>Wait a minute, Tom, this is starting to get very absurd very quickly. You're telling me that YOU, not Sandusky, banged all of those little black boys all those years ago?<br /> <b>TR:</b> Precisely. I initially thought that THIS story would make me famous but for some strange reason, those poor little shits kept their mouths shut for the longest time. I had no real reason to ruin the Penn State program but I was bored so I did it. I spent six months crafting the perfect Sandusky disguise. I mean, it was flawless...even down to the wrinkly scrotum! And then I would lure loser kids to the showers and play "hide the salami". Boy, did they hate that game!<br /> <b>G$:</b> I am speechless.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7gFD3WaQHSY/TxctVFw2O1I/AAAAAAAAFD4/pHGw3NrQqg8/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR: </b>Oh, you should have been there when I let McQueery catch me in the act! His eyes were as big as the moon yet you could see there was some intrigue in what he was watching. Like he almost wanted to join. But as soon as Mike and I locked eyes, I made some homemade vanilla yogurt for the kid and Big Red left. I mean, this went on for a long time. I couldn't believe the secrecy around that program. Eventually, I got tired of fucking kids so I left. I figured that Jerry could handle any potential fallout and I would come swooping in with my camera crew to ruin even more lives at a later date. It was the perfect crime. Like I said, I didn't think that it would take so long to become public, but whatever, at least I got my rocks off.<br /> <br /> <b>G$:</b> That is some fucked up shit. How do you sleep at night?<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AyBwskghtoc/TxctBDFfojI/AAAAAAAAFDg/5f2DPAvvH2Y/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR: </b>Most recently, I was trying to spice up the Packers run at a repeat Super Bowl after their loss to Kansas City. With no undefeated season to strive for, they had to have some sort of motivator and so did we the media. So I figured that I'd give that Philbin kid the same handbook that I gave to ol' Jimmy Dungy. He wasn't buying though. It's much harder to trick white kids into bed, you see. I started getting impatient with him since he wouldn't let me suck his crank so one night I just decided to drown him in some bumfuck river and set him adrift. Whatever. He might still be alive if he just agreed to ride the Rinaldi Express. It's not my fault that the Packers lost last week. I gave them something to play for.<br /> <b>G$: </b>You are the worst person that I've ever met and that includes Michael Lawrence Parrish. I still don't understand why you did any of this? Once you got hired by ESPN, what more is there? Good Morning America? The Evening News? What were you hoping to accomplish by being the face in front of the camera at all of these tragedies?<br /> <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AyBwskghtoc/TxctBDFfojI/AAAAAAAAFDg/5f2DPAvvH2Y/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR:</b> Ha, what is my last name?<br /> <b>G$:</b> Rinaldi. So what?<br /> <b>TR:</b> Rinaldi indeed. I may look like a mild-mannered pretty boy, but underneath this ravishing comb-over haircut is a JUICED-UP GORILLA just waiting to come out and SMUSH!<br /> <b>G$:</b> Wait, what? You did all of this in hopes that one day you would be on Jersey Shore?<br /> <b>TR:</b> TAXIS HAVE ARRIVED!<br /> <b>G$:</b> No, no, no...this is not right. This can't be true.<br /> <b>TR:</b> Why not? Vinny's gone. They need a replacement to pump fists (<i>Rinaldi does some sort of wounded version of The Chicken Dance instead)</i>! I would be perfect for that! I feel like my entire career has been leading to this moment, when I can move into the Shore House in Seaside, baby! WHO WANTS SOME TOM-TOM JUICE?<br /> <br /> <b>G$: </b>Why the fuck are you telling me all of this anyway? You know that I'm going straight to the police, don't you? I'm gonna narc you out! You are a pedophile, a rapist, a fraud, apparently a reality TV whore wannabe, AND a serial killer!<br /> <i>(Tom hands me a meatball sandwich and $100 which I accept)</i><br /> <b>G$</b>: Thanks?<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AyBwskghtoc/TxctBDFfojI/AAAAAAAAFDg/5f2DPAvvH2Y/s1600/Tom+Rinaldi.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>TR: </b>No problem. By accepting that food and money, you just agreed to be my lawyer! Attorney-Client Privilege, bitch! You're in Rinaldi's pocket now! You want to go down to the Boardwalk and ride the ferris wheel?<br /> <b>G$:</b> You diabolical bastard. Damn you, Rinaldi. Damn you straight to Hell. I'm leaving. This is too dark...even for me. This was the worst fake interview of my life.<br /> <b>TR:</b> From The Money Shot, I'm Tom Rinaldi, ESPN.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Do You Like Pineda Colonics?</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:22:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oPEAMXpjOwk/TxYH0-Yuj4I/AAAAAAAAFDQ/RCG-dZ_Y3qc/s1600/pineda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stop calling me Armando Benitez!</td></tr> </tbody></table>Oh, don't you worry. I did not forget about this. So someone finally showed up at the Yankee offices this winter and made some moved this past weekend. It's about time. I thought that Brian Cashman was dead. He's not, though, he just still looks like a raccoon corpse. Now I'm not your average mouthbreathing Yankees fan. You know this by now. Most people think that we should sign everybody; payroll be damned. Not me. I like it when we cultivate and develop our own. Which is why I had such a boner for Jesus Montero. And now he's gone.<br /> <br /> Let there be no doubt, Montero is a fucking stud hitter and he will be raking at the cleanup spot for Eric Wedge's mustache over the next decade plus. He can flat out stick it. I don't think that I've ever been so invested and pumped for a Yankee position player since, shit, Shane Spencer maybe.<br /> <br /> But there was always going to be a problem with Da Jesus. No one in the organization thought that he could catch every day and that isn't a big deal if you don't have a bunch of old sloths on the payroll that are going to need to DH more and more over the next few years. A-Rod and Jeter and Teix and Swish are all going to need to use the DH slot for this and coming years. So it became a numbers game and the writing was on the wall for Montero once it became obvious that the Yankees were dangling him in every trade scenario. He had to go but not for some turd like Greinke or Gio Gonzalez. And boy did the Yanks do well.<br /> <br /> Fuck. Yes. How often do 23 year old All-Star pitchers whose average fastball clocks in 95 mph become available? Uh, never. Michael Pineda comes to the Bronx to form what I hope will be the best 1-2 in the AL for the next 5 years. He sure as shit has the potential to be an ace, that is for sure. The Yankees also signed the underrated Jap Greg Maddux, Something Kuroda, as well. So what was once a weakness has all of a sudden turned into a pretty incredible STREMPH. And it happened just like that. Amazing. You win in October with power pitching. It's always been that way. It's damn hard to finesse and locate your way to a title. Needless to say, I am a fan of this trade.<br /> <br /> Don't forget that the Yankees have two stud pitching prospects who are a year away from dominating and they didn't even have to part with them for Pineda. That is amazing. Did you see what the Reds gave up for Latos and Sean Marshall? Or how the Nats dumped 4 of their top ten prospects for a guy named Gio? Or even how the Indians unloaded their entire farm system for a mediocre "ace"? Yeah, the best franchise in sports history just acquired a better pitcher with a higher ceiling for a stud hitter that they had no place for. Outstanding work.<br /> <br /> CC-Pineda-Kuroda-Nova-Hughes/Garcia/Burnett...that might be the best part actually. AJ Burnett could be on his way to the scrap heap. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the Yankees are going to win the next ten World Series. Yeah, that's the ticket.<br /> <br /> Other shit because we haven't talked baseball in awhile:<br /> -Victor Martinez is out for the season with a torn ACL. LOLZ! FUCK THE TIGERS! I hope they get into a plane that crashes into Drew's house!<br /> -Joel Zumaya signs with the Twins. Double LOLZ! Time for Dut to get a new jersey!<br /> -Mark Shapiro is still hibernating, I guess.<br /> -Looks the Reds are all-in this year before they lose Brandon Phillips and Joey Votto soon. Good for them. Go for it when you have the chance. They aren't going to win a title or a pennant or anything, but whatever.<br /> -Is Prince Fielder ever going to sign? Does anyone even want him? Just go to Seattle already and hit in front of Da Jesus for the next ten years.<br /> <br /> In conclusion, I know that you all missed the lovable Yankee arrogance. Drink it in. We're just better. Maybe not all of us, but definitely me. I am way better than you as a fan.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Who Doesn't Love Some NBA?</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:21:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.bergproperties.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/080501_mark-jacksonwidec.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> "STREMPH!!!" <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> Let us all shed a tear and dump a 40 out (if you're Grumpy, it's probably Vernor's or Metamucil) as the college football season officially comes to a close. Since Tuesday's are going to be wide open now, today I'll discuss a subject that has been ignored more than Dut's grundle in the shower. THE NBA!! By the way Dut...your prize is coming. I'm just really fuckin lazy (translation: I have to wait for my pubes to grow back).<br /> <br /> Since I made the big move to Toledo, I've had the pleasure of being able to watch the Pistons get fucking dismantled every home game. It's as soul crushing as ever. Before I was forced to watch the Cavs on FSN...with the mute button on of course. Only Cleveland fans can stand the mush mouth, gargled stammering of everyone's favorite dipshit. <a href="http://youtu.be/rGwYQi3yngc">Austin Carr</a>. Supporting Austin Carr means you support Notre Dame. And that means your thirst for raping young boys is unquenchable and undeniable. Let's get talking about everyone's favorite crime syndicate...the NBA.<br /> <br /> Eastern Conference:<br /> <br /> -Detroit may be the worst team in basketball. Dumars is going to fiddle around with his own feces like a rabid ape and let Greg Monroe waltz right out of town. Who wants to play on a terrible team that starts Ben "Better Get in Rebounding Position" Gordon? After Monroe, Detroit's best player is a white dude who probably can't speak English and has a Faux-Hawk. Austin Daye looks like Tayshaun Prince with stage 4 cancer-AIDS.<br /> <br /> -G$ doesn't realize that all the things he rips Indians/Brown fans for can be applied to Cavs fans as well. Maybe he does, but chooses to ignore it. I've been getting shit sky hooks from numerous Cavs fans telling me how wrong I was about this team and Kyrie Irving. Maybe Cavs fans haven't noticed that even though they're 6-6, they don't have a single win against a team with a winning record. And Kyrie Irving is still the black Bobby Hurley.<br /> <br /> -I can't wait for Colon Cowturd's first "Derrick Rose isn't a true MVP" rant. He reminds me of a guy I went to college with who liked to make outrageous claims just so he could talk shit on the one and a million shot that it actually panned out. Tell me again how Kevin Durant isn't ELITE, Cowfucker. Just another example of how west coast men love wiener.<br /> <br /> -Nice Super Team, New York. It's the tard version of the Miami Heat...only with less likeable guys. If that's possible. Landing Tyson Chandler instead of Chris Paul is probably the worst move I've seen in the last 10 years. And I was around when Dumars drafted Darko Milicic with the #2 overall. Carmelo Anthony still punches like a 12 year old cheerleader.<br /> <br /> -Fuck you Boston. A second helping of fuck you to Paul Pierce...because you know jelly tits will take seconds of ANYTHING. JUST RETIRE!!!!<br /> <br /> -Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing. They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round. That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.<br /> <br /> -Even after acting like a 14 year old high school girl all off season, Dwight Howard and the Magic remain in first place. I never understood why Howard wants/wanted out of Orlando so badly. Maybe because <a href="http://image51.webshots.com/51/1/53/84/506615384JqPsUy_ph.jpg">J.J. Redick</a> can't stop checking out his rhino dong in the shower? That would do it for me.<br /> <br /> Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.<br /> <br /> Who comes out: The Heat. Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart. Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.<br /> <br /> Western Conference:<br /> <br /> -I can't believe the Spurs continue to win. It feels like that team was assembled in the 70's. It's a true testament to a team's douch-ness when someone can sit back and legitimately hate every last player on that team while feeling zero remorse.<br /> <br /> -Nobody puts Kobe in the corner. Dude is still a killer even though he's getting old. Unfortunately these back to back to backs are really putting a strain on Kobe's rape life. What I'm most excited for is Andrew Bynum's yearly meltdown. It's gonna be hard to top "Clothes lining a 5'4" point guard then getting half naked while storming off the court".<br /> <br /> -Wait for it. Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over. Westbrook thinks he's as big of a star as Durant when in reality Westbrook is more of a Scottie Pippen type. Point guards aren't supposed to take the last shot to win the game. Kevin Durant's are. One more thing...I would love an opportunity to hit Kendrick Perkins in the face with a crowbar.<br /> <br /> -Kevin Love is the shit. He makes me want to sing <a href="http://youtu.be/IhnUgAaea4M">this</a> at the top of my lungs. Represent white guys nation wide, son! It also looks like that whole Ricky Rubio thing is working out. Rubio will get carded for alcohol until he's 50. I'd lay money on that.<br /> <br /> -Time to rebuild Phoenix. Your run with Steve Nash is officially over. Nash and John Stockton can now get together and talk about how neither of them won a title. They can also discuss white guy things like: assists, their most favorite assist of all time, bounce passes, layups, back door cuts, Walt Behrman, the assist that got away, etc.<br /> <br /> -I would like to think that Demarcus Cousins tries to get Jimmer Fradette to smoke weed daily or slips pills into his Vitamin Water. I also envision Jimmer crying himself to sleep every night. He went from a team of pretty much all white guys to a team of THE ONLY white guy. Remember when I said J.J. Hickson was a fucking terrible basketball player? He's actually worse than I originally thought.<br /> <br /> Bold Prediction: The Timberwolves make the playoffs<br /> <br /> Who comes out: Oklahoma City<br /> <br /> NBA Champs: Miami Heat. Partly because I really think they can do it. But mostly because I want Lebron to cram it up Cleveland's ass one more time. That's about all I have. Can't wait to read all the whiny comments about how much the NBA sucks. Looks on the bright side...it could be baseball season.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Worst Of Divisional Weekend Vol.V</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 08:50:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--LwELysDk-k/TxMYWXvRZkI/AAAAAAAAFDE/_HPLpgdLDC4/s1600/darron.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>This weekend, Oregon Jr. QB Darron Thomas announced that he was leaving Eugene early for the NFL. When I first heard of this, I scratched my head a lot. Why? He is a stick figure and has no chance in Hell of ever being a starter in the league? Remember Dennis Dixon? He was way better in college than Thomas and he barely dresses for games now. Then Joe Schad reported that Thomas is leaving because he doesn't want to have to compete for the starting QB job next year with some other guy. The fuck? First of all, why would there be an open competition at all considering what Darron has done the last two years? Second, he's basically leaving school because he doesn't want to try and demands that everything be handed to him. OK, so he is walking away from a place that is perfect for him to be a 6th round draft pick with no shot of ever playing? Does he think that the NFL is less competitive than the Pac-12? Darron Thomas is a fucking idiot and I GUARANSHEED that this is a horrible decision that backfires bigger than shit. A career backup quarterback is throwing away his last chance at ever starting. Dumbass. Tenor-mania is officially over but the Smiffpocalypse has begun. Let's get it on:<br /> <br /> <b>Drew Brees</b> - His two interceptions were brutal decisions but things are going to happen when you "fire that fucking pigskin" 63 times. It's sort of amazing that the Saints were still in it while being -4 on turnovers. This game was goddamn incredible though in spite of the turnovers. I actually caught myself rooting for the Niners and I never thought that I would root against the Breesus. Actually, let's talk about each of the final four touchdowns in that amazing 4th quarter:<br /> <br /> <b>TD pass to Sproles</b> - If there was a separate MVP award that went to non-QBs, it would have to go to Sproles (or Akers), right? Tiny Darren seemingly runs a 2.5 40. By the way, AJ Smith and Norval Turner let him walk from the Chargers this past Summer. They remain employed. Make sense?<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>TD run By Alex Smiff </b>- What a great play-call. That was such a beautiful play. Who runs a goddamn QB sweep on third and long! I'm kind of happy that Ol' Small Hands is coming into his own this season. Good for him.<br /> <br /> <b>TD Pass to Graham </b>- It wasn't a very good decision by the Breesus but the awesomeness of JIMMAY bailed him out. I hope you all saw the slo-mo replay of Graham scoring and slam-dunking the ball over the crossbar because, in the background, Tony Siragusa has the dumbest look ever on his face. Totes LOL. His mouth is wide open and I'm pretty sure that he's drooling.<br /> <br /> <b>TD Pass To Vernon Davi</b>s - Amazing. Vernon flat out abused Malcolm Jenkins on the final two drives. I loved that San Fran played for the win and not overtime. Smiff's two passes to Davis on this drive where ELITE. GREAT GAME.<br /> <br /> <b>Vernon Haters</b> - I loved that he was so happy that he was crying while coming off the field after the touchdown. Repeat: I LOVED THAT. It hasn't been the easiest run in SF for the stud TE and I thought that it was really cool for him to be so emotional. Suck on that, Mike Singletary's chili-ring!<br /> <br /> <b>Jim Cornball </b>- "Who got it better than we do" and giving the team personally monogrammed gas station attendant shirts? What a dork, that Jim Harbaugh.<br /> <br /> <b>Tony Siragusa</b> - He carries a Sharpie around with him but nothing to write on. Somehow, that makes sense considering how much Goose sucks.<br /> <br /> <b>The notion that not every game matters</b> - Those who argue with me that college football is better than the pros tend to use the argument that "not every game matters". The Saints proved that theory incorrect. Think about it: had they not lost at either the Bucs or the Rams, I am 100% confident that they are still playing. The Saints are out because of games that they lost in September and October and thus had to play out of the Dome. Fact!<br /> <br /> <b>The Denver Tenors </b>- If you believe that the Denver season was made to be turned into a movie, then you should have noticed (like I did) that the ending of that movie was last week. The win over the Steelers was the climax. It wasn't going to happen again. Tim Tebow is a great story and all (and an even better person) but he wasn't about to walk into New England and beat Bill Belichick's game plan. They were sent to NE to get slaughtered because they already won their Super Bowl. Period. 14 negative yardage plays though? Terrible. At least they kicked a field goal while down 35 points in the third quarter!<br /> <br /> <b>John Elway</b> - I do not envy his job this offseason. Look, Tenor is their QB which means that the organization has to build and draft accordingly. That means taking a ton of strange hybrid players like Percy Harvin-types and athletic tight ends that they don't have. Also, the aforementioned Darron Thomas would be a nice risk for them since he can only run the read-option offense, too. It's a weird situation to be in that the Tenors are going to be building their team in a completely different manner than the rest of the league. And they have to because if they bail on TEAM TENOR, their fans will revolt.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Aaron Hernandez</b> - Running back? What sort of drugs do you have to be on to say, "let's give our tight end 5 carries this week"?<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Tom Brady being a troll </b>- Come on, dude, you don't punt on 3rd down. That's just embarrassing an opponent that you've already embarrassed. Why not just run it up the middle one more time and then punt? By the way, I barely watched any of the second half of this game in lieu of Restaurant Impossible which had back-to-back shows with terrible eateries in northeast Ohio. Quality programming!<br /> <br /> <b>Von Miller </b>- Dude, I would have been pissed about that punt, too, but if you are going to try and blindside somebody, you better kill him. Don't pull up at the last second. DESTROY!<br /> <br /> <b>Phil Simms </b>- The absolute worst announcer on the planet. Whether it be him not knowing what constitutes a catch or that even though Deion Branch pushed off on his touchdown catch that that was not PI, Simms is a hillbilly fucktard. If I ever decide to kill myself (cross your fingers), I would leave a tape of Simms' game on Saturday night as my suicide note.<br /> <br /> <b>Jacoby Jones</b> - Anyone else believe that if this dumbass doesn't muff the punt in the first quarter that the Texans win? Also, it's hard to point fingers at TJ Yates since he shouldn't be in that position anyway, but Houston wins if Schaub is playing.<br /> <br /> <b>Joe Flacco</b> - You're right, Joe, you won't get any credit for that win. Complete 55% of your passes first, douche. And for God's sake, get rid of that fu manchu.<br /> <br /> <b>Ray Lewis</b> - This game was boring as shit except for the fact that Ray Lewis was so terrible. He had to have AT LEAST 15 missed tackles on Foster alone. No one will grill him for being shit because he is a murderer but I give no fucks. Ray Lewis was awful yesterday and I can't wait to watch him try to cover Hernandez and GRONK on Sunday.<br /> <br /> <b>The Iceman</b> - One more time, he said before the season that Arian Foster was overrated. Idiot. And that's about all that I want to say about this game...noble effort by Houston and their awesome defense though.<br /> <br /> <b>Bill Leavy</b> - Uh, ok, I'd love to hear the rationale behind Greg Jennings CLEAR fumble in the first half and how that ended up not being one. Then GB scores on the drive. The Giants absolutely murder the Pack without that terrible officiating/Tim Donaghy call.<br /> <br /> <b>ELITE Manning</b> - Yet another 15 yard pass that Nicks turns into a 60 yard touchdown AND a hail mary! Eli is the luckiest quarterback of all time. OF ALL TIME. I hate that tard. STOP WINNING PLAYOFF GAMES SO WE CAN LAUGH AT YOU! I still can't believe how much they crushed Green Bay by. Tom Coughlin is such a great coach.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Everyone on the Packers offense but Rodgers and Don Driver</b> - Jesus Christ, can any of these losers catch the ball? EIGHT drops? <br /> <br /> <b>Jermichael Finley</b> - Completely worthless. He should be one of the best tight ends in the league and he continues to blow.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>The Green Bay secondary</b> - How many 3rd and longs can a team give up? For as bad as the receivers for the Packers were, not being able to get off the field killed Green Bay's hopes and dreams. It's about time that Charles Woodson took a permanent trip to the glue factory.<br /> <br /> Well, I nailed the Giants straight up win but I don't feel good about it. God dammit, we lost Brees AND Rodgers AND Tenor this weekend! TERRIBLE WEEKEND! Alex Smith vs. Elite? Brady vs. Penisface Flacco? Oh God, this is not good. This is not good at all. It is highly probable that we have three turd games left. Shit.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>"Joe Flacco is ELITE!"--Nobody</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 09:30:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YttcigKJbWc/Tw9UMmL6iMI/AAAAAAAAFC8/e3Ad9HUS29w/s1600/flacco.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>“I’m sure if we win, I’ll have nothing to do with why we won according to you guys. It is what it is. We’re going to do our best to try to win it and it doesn’t really matter what the reason is.”—</b>Joseph Flacco, 1/12/2012<br /> <br /> Joe Flacco may define the word “average”, but is pretty dead-on with his prediction that he will have nothing to do with the Ravens winning playoff games. What a whiny little bitch. WAAAAAAAAH, NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ONLY THROWN ONE GREAT PASS IN MY CAREER (this year to beat Pittsburgh)! You know, we like to throw the word ELITE around here all the time but it really seems like Flacco is hung up on being considered ELITE, too. The problem with that is that he sucks and Ray Rice is waaaaaaay more important to that offense than he is. Think of it this way: when Rice gets stuffed, the Ravens are fucked. When he goes nuts, they can’t be stopped. Joe Flacco can piss and moan about his “place in this world” (RICHARD MARX REFERENCE, YA HEARD!), but he’s a game manager. Period. When he throws the ball over 30 times, Baltimore is going to lose. <br /> <br /> And I don’t know if anyone else caught it, but last week Flacco called in to Mike and Mike himself asking to be interviewed on the air. Seriously, Greenberg was caught way off guard that someone would just randomly call their switchboard and ask for an entire segment. I would assume that big radio shows normally line up guests on their own and that the athletes don’t do their own booking. That is what producers are for (I think). Not Flacco—he DEMANDS air time at that hot 7:45 AM segment to get his word to the masses!<br /> <br /> In conclusion, Joe Flacco fucking sucks and sounds like a big dork and I hope he loses this weekend. <br /> <br /> Now let’s start predicting this weekend’s FOOTBAWWWWW! Three of these four games have fucking massive lines attached but you know damn well that someone is getting shocked. Take last weekend for example: you knew that not all of the favorites were going to cover. But both did on Saturday and then the Giants did, too, and your left thinking, “Fuck, I guess that Tenor is going to at least cover, right?” And he came through tenfold. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that if the favorites win the first three games, quickly put a grand on the Giants to win. Let’s get to the breakdown, predictions, and results from last week:<br /> <br /> <b>NOLA (-3.5) @ Frisco O/U 47.5</b><br /> Be careful. The Saints are a tad OVERRATED on the road. I don’t know what to make of this game. The Niners need to get to 27 or 28 to have a chance but their defense is insane so who knows. As I keep saying, one of these days karma is going to come back to haunt Sean Payton. I think that the Saints could be in trouble this week after sniffing their own farts for the past month, but I don’t think that they’ll lose. NFL MVP David Akers keeps it close and, when in doubt, take the points. <i>New Orleans 28-26 OVER</i><br /> <br /> <b>The Denver Tenors @ Team Grit (-13.5) O/U 50.5</b><br /> The ratings for Tenor’s game last weekend set all sorts of records and I will not be surprised that this primetime special does the same. It will CRUSH the BCS title game because everyone knows that the NFL is way better than college football. TOTES! FACT! I’ve been saying all year that the Patriots will do what they always do and lose their first playoff game. But, Christ, this isn’t the match-up that I was expecting for them. Let’s be honest (or LESBIONEST if you speak Pauly D), there is no fucking way that the Broncos can win this game, right? I’m rooting for it to happen and all, but I don’t see it. Sorry, Tenor, thanks for the future ribs but it ends tomorrow. <i>New England 38-10 UNDER</i><br /> <br /> <b>Wade Phillips’ Gunt @ Murderers (-8.5) O/U 35.5</b><br /> I don’t think that it is humanly possible to root for the Ravens in any situation. Even when they play the loathsome Steelers, I can’t muster up the courage to pull for them. Which means that we are all Texans fans this weekend! Yay! Let’s win this one and remind Joe Flacco of his un-elite-ness! I liked what I saw from Houston last week but I don’t think that works on the road in the cold. This is the least sexy game of the weekend and I have a feeling that it plays out very similarly to the earlier game between these two squadrons. Give me the guy that got away with killing people in a fairly convincing fashion. <i>Baltimore 24-13 OVER</i><br /> <br /> <b>Five Dollar Foot Longs @ Discount Doublechecks (-7.5) O/U 52.5</b><br /> How do you factor in the Green Bay OC’s son drowning in the Oshkosh River? That has to have some sort of effect on the Packers, right? I am getting sick and fucking tired of hearing people comparing this Giants playoff run to the one from their Super Bowl year. STOP IT. But then again, I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that this is your upset. Yep, I’m calling it, the Packers are going down…at home…to Eli Manning…again. I heard someone on the radio say that if the Giants win this game, that Eli will eclipse Peyton as a QB. You know what, that’s not as crazy as you might think. The champs are going home early. <i>New York 31-30 OVER</i><br /> <br /> So my prediction for the conference chanpionships are NYG @ NO and BAL @ NE. Yeah, I’m going to stick with that. The results from last week…<br /> <br /> 6-2: Li’l Strut<br /> 5-3: Jeff, Dut<br /> 4-4: GMoney, Prime<br /> 3-5: Drew, Damman, Ide, Andrew, Iceman<br /> 2-6: Seal, Brady<br /> <br /> By the way, I looked up who was the best in this contest last year and it was the enigmatic “mdrgolf” who has not appeared since! Good times! My guess that it was MDashRexterribleatGolf was ELITE. Leave your picks in the comments and enjoy the pigskin that we are quickly running out of.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Thursday Thumpski</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 08:47:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1UlIRbyKFNg/Tw32U4daPGI/AAAAAAAAFC0/Ef9zkdcO1s0/s1600/GordonGee2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">GO BACK TO WARSAW, YA CUNT!</td></tr> </tbody></table>This is starting to become a Thursday tradition. Nothing ever happens on Wednesdays and thus I am left writing about a wide variety of barely sexy topics such as King Nerd E. Gordon Gee announcing to the world that running Ohio State is like running the Polish Army. That isn’t even funny if you like ethnic jokes but has got him in lukewarm water anyway. I like the idea of the almost non-existent central Ohio area Polacks picketing in front of his office when in fact they are standing outside of the Columbus Zoo. If they aren’t making sausage or breaking down the cover 2 defense on Monday Nights, Polacks are worthless. Anyway, onto other news that features far less xenophobia.<br /> <br /> *If they lose more than one game in the Big Ten this year (barring injuries to their big 3), Matta should be fired.—G$, 11/18/2011. Looks like it’s time to run ol’ Sweaty Nuts out of town, right? I don’t really get it. Sure both losses were sort of fluky, but what do you make of this team? Aaron Craft is being way too passive. SHOOT THE FUCKING BALL. Buford tends to disappear for long stretches of games. DeShaun Thomas keeps reading off court cases to Judge Harry Stone while finger-blasting Markie Post. They just don’t feel like they know who they are yet. Last year, they definitely knew. They were going to be deadly from outside and Sullinger was going to dominate the paint. This year…not so much. It’s still early but, yeah, Matta to Citgo. DING!<br /> <br /> *Sparty and the Hoosiers can’t really be this good, can they? Remember when Tom Izzo was supposed to take the Cavs job? That was a fun day.<br /> <br /> *Anyone else see/hear Bobby Hebert go off on Les Miles after the National Title Game and on The Herd yesterday? Hilarious. I like his angle though. Coaches should be held accountable for not having their guys ready and should be called out for it. LSU was a goddamn embarrassment on Monday night and Miles deserved to be flamed for it. Bobby Hebert…never thought that his name would make this site.<br /> <br /> *It appears that a “Plus One” is all but a certainty to be announced soon. Whatever, I’ll believe it when I see it. I still hold the belief that the BCS and NCAA are determined to piss off America every year. Those two entities are more out of touch with reality than Gary Busey.<br /> <br /> *The Raiders are looking for a new head coach again after shit-canning Hue Jackson after one year. I actually think that this is justified. He isn’t someone that the new GM wants to work with and Hue was behind that God awful Carson Palmer trade. Bring back Art Shell!<br /> <br /> *Tim Tenor has been named America’s Favorite Pro Athlete by whoever wastes enough time to tabulate those rankings. Makes sense considering that he just made Steeler fans cry and is ELITE at Mario Jars. <br /> <br /> *Finally, there are rumors going around that the reason why Ryan Braun failed a drug test was because he was taking herpes medication. HERPES! Now he’s stuck. You don’t want to be outed as a false cheater but at the same time, you don’t want America to know about your dick-rot either. Apparently, Braun lives right next door to Pamela Anderson in CA so it makes sense that he has Diseased Wang. I hope that this story is true because it rules.<br /> <br /> Hmmmm, Buckeye basketball talk better rule the comments today because, after reviewing the post, it feels a little light on talking points/interesting shit. Oh well, that’s what I get for hiring the Polish Army to blog for me today.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>G$'s Application To Stardom Is Complete</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 09:31:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-duCQmMDgGYg/TwzUput-cqI/AAAAAAAAFCs/mSSD0JPaYNk/s1600/jerry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">YOU ARE A JUDAS!</td></tr> </tbody></table>My work computer took a dump on me around lunchtime yesterday. After a long and annoying phone call to tech support, the router was fried or some dumb shit that I didn't understand and I'm supposed to get a replacement (which I'm expected to install myself for some reason) this morning. Whatever. Without my computer though, I have very little that I can accomplish. After about 15 minutes of staring off into space and realizing that I have to stick around for at least three more hours, I pulled out my destiny (not my penis) and got to work.<br /> <br /> That's right, remember when I publicly announced here that I was going to apply to be on Big Brother next Summer. Well, fuckheads, my application is complete. Now this was not a simple task at all. The damn thing is 14 pages long and took me over an hour. It is the most actual writing that I've done in a decade and my hand started cramping. But I put down what I needed to say and how I think that America will take a shine to me.<br /> <br /> The questions that they asked were pretty stupid. For example:<br /> <i>*Who is your hero and why?</i>--Uh, myself...duh?<br /> <i>*What are three things that you would bring into the house with you if Big Brother allowed it?</i>--Can I bring in three fleshlights? Does the light and can of lube count as two things? Because those two are a team and can not be split up.<br /> <i>*What would be your strategy to win the game?</i>--Don't overreact and "kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out".<br /> <i>*What are your favorite foods?</i>--Asian snatch and microwaved eggs<br /> <i>*What are three adjectives that best describe you?</i>--Gorgeous. Pants-shitting. Self-described Huguenot.<br /> <i>*Have you ever sought mental help?</i>--Banana!<br /> <i>*Do you drink? How often and, when you do, do you get drunk?</i>--Yes and fuck yes.<br /> <i>*If you answered yes to the above question, how do you behave when you get drunk?</i>--I am loud and obnoxious (anyone who is reading this can confirm). Will the house have 4 Loko? Because if there is any in the house, you better have some rape kits on site.<br /> <i>*If you become famous from Big Brother, how will it change you?</i>--More random hummers, I assume. Probably quite a few free shots, too. I would probably have to get a whole new set of friends because the current group would not be able to handle my shining star.<br /> <br /> 14 pages of this. Needless to say, it was a bit tedious. But our work is not done here. That's right, I am asking for YOUR help to make me the greatest reality television star in the history of the world. Here's how it is going to work:<br /> <br /> So Grumpy owes the entire comment section a free meal, right? This is totes going to happen and happen soon. This meal does not come free of consequences though. In order for CBS to take my application, I need to also send them a video, no longer than 2 minutes, detailing why "I would be the perfect candidate for Big Brother. Be creative!". Now I don't know the first thing about producing or directing and this is where I need a little help. I need some sort of cool gimmick to make my video stand out amongst the other applicants (like a crazy location or sitting on the toilet or something). Mr. Ape (I'm told) used to walk around high school videotaping things (like a fucking weirdo) so he can probably direct this masterpiece. But I want you all to brainstorm on how I can look good and hilarious. Basically, we need CBS to say, "That guy...that is our guy."<br /> <br /> I was thinking something like the Fundamentals YouTube video that Mark Titus did when he would dive on the floor, look at the camera, and say "HUSTLE". But, you know, with a spin toward me. Like Ape could tape me staring at a nasty stripper and I would look over at him and say "ATTENTION TO DETAIL" or "HORNY AS FUCK" or something like that. I'm not married to the idea and I'm more than willing to accept other thoughts. They have not set a deadline for applying yet, but I'd like to get it done as soon as possible.<br /> <br /> So let's spend today coming up with ideas because I have already decided that "no help on this project = no Grumpy BBQ". Yeah, that's right. Fire away. And you never know, your jokey reply could be the winner.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>"Live" Blogging the Worst Game of All Time</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 10:42:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/nick-saban.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> "Need a stand in baby catcher? I'm your guy! Check this shit out!!"<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> I know I said I wouldn't be watching this game, but I just can't help myself. As much as I would love to have the balls to boycott SEC deep throat fest 2012, I would be doing this fine site a disservice if I ignored this game completely. So. After careful consideration, I said fuck it and decided to "live" blog the National Championship game...or until I stop caring.<br /> <br /> 7:45 - Lee Corso sounds more and more like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3wuSO59OdM">Farmer Fran</a> as the days pass. It is truly glorious.<br /> <br /> 7:46 - Awesome shot of Dre Kirkpatrick shouting incoherent black guy stuff into the camera while banging on his head like a drum. Simultaneously, Herbstreit tells viewers how Kirkpatrick didn't play in the last meeting because of a concussion. Dumb is so hilarious.<br /> <br /> 7:50 - 45 MINUTES TO KICK OFF?? Fuck that. I'll be back...<br /> <br /> 8:22 - Trent Richardson had a kid when he was 16. Anyone shocked?<br /> <br /> 8:25 - Alfred Blue couldn't play for a more fitting team. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8e6TrT5Gt4">YER MY BOY, BLUE</a>!<br /> <br /> 8:26 - Nick Saban literally wears his pants above his belly button. I hate myself for noticing that.<br /> <br /> 8:27 - The lone white captain (LSU) looks completely terrified during the coin flip. "Where'd all these black folk come from?!"<br /> <br /> 8:30 - Aaaaaaand we're off.<br /> <br /> 8:32 - Two minutes in and already a 3 and out. Cooooooool.<br /> <br /> 8:34 - Brad Smelley. LOLZ. Bet that kid didn't get destroyed growing up.<br /> <br /> 8:38 - Punt #2...but at least we saw a couple first downs this time. This is almost as exciting as watching scrambled Skinemax on your parents 22 inch box TV. Use your imagination, kids.<br /> <br /> 8:43 - Running the option with Jordan Jefferson against this defense is like masturbating with hairspray. Bloody. Destructive. Chaotic. Lots of skin loss and a ton of screaming.<br /> <br /> 8:48 - Huge return by Maze setting up Alabama for a possible early score but explodes his leg in the process. I would bet my scrotum this winds up being a field goal. Surprise, surprise. 3-0 Alabama from the foot of Alabama's terrible kicker, S-something.<br /> <br /> 8:54 - LSU goes no huddle early and it worked as well as the flame thrower I made out of a Super Soaker when I was 12.<br /> <br /> 9:02 - McCarron hearts his tight ends. McCarron also hearts wieners. He'll be a perfect fit for the Browns in 3 years when Cleveland is desperately scrambling for their three billionth QB in 20 years. It'll be fun watching the student trying to out "check down" the master, Colt McCoy.<br /> <br /> 9:05 - The Honey Badger is the queerest nickname in football. FACT. As Musburger makes a terrible joke, we come to the end of the 1st quarter with Alabama up 3-0. Let me go stick my cock on an electric fence so I can wake up for the 2nd quarter.<br /> <br /> 9:08 - McCarron overthrows Smelley...then pees his pants. Nice pass, you fuckin loser.<br /> <br /> 9:10 - Saban's wife gives his nuts back long enough for a fake FG attempt that appears to have worked. WHERE THE FUCK IS TRENT RICHARDSON? Probably making babies with Saban's daughter.<br /> <br /> 9:16 - Blocked FG. Satisfied, Saban? Never attempt a FG over 40 yards ever again.<br /> <br /> 9:23 - When Brent Musburger swallows that dick from a glory hole in a truck stop bathroom...he prays that Brad Wing is on the other side of the divider. THAT...I am sure of.<br /> <br /> 9:35 - LSU has twenty fucking six yards of offense with 4 minutes to go in the first half. I hate this game like I hate poison. And I don't think I have to remind you how much I hate poison. 6-0 Alabama.<br /> <br /> 9:46 - I don't think I can do this in the 2nd half. 9-0 Alabama. Half time. Saban needs to put some band-aids over his titanium nipples or wear an under shirt. One or the other must happen.<br /> <br /> 10:00 - Is there a more annoying commercial on TV than the Sprint 4G with the two cosmic fucking douche bags tailgating at some made up football game? "Remember when I said "hi" to that girl and instantly crapped my pants because I have the people skills of a kindergartner because my fucking snout is constantly pressed into my only friend also known as my phone?" Soooooooo 12 seconds ago. Get a life, fag.<br /> <br /> 10:10 - Marquis Maze wants to thank ESPN for catching him at his lowest life moment as he bawls like a bitch after hearing the news that he's done for the night.<br /> <br /> 10:14 - Okay. Okay. Here's some offense. Two things I've noticed so far. First, A.J. McCarron has been really impressive in this game. I take back the "fucking loser" comment from earlier. Figured I would slide in my compliment in between Musburger verbal salad tossings. Second, Mathieu is a <em>terrible</em> one on one cover corner. Like...Eric Wright terrible.<br /> <br /> 10:18 - God Damn it. Another fucking field goal.<br /> <br /> 10:24 - So Musburger blows our minds with this nugget. "Brad Wing didn't even pick up an American football until 2 years ago." So fucking what? Is it inherently more difficult to kick an American football than an Australian football? Was Wing always under the impression that an American football was an incredibly bizarre shape...like a rhombus? I just googled "<a href="http://product-image.tradeindia.com/00176544/b/0/Australian-Football.jpg">Australian football</a>". The two balls are almost identical in shape. What a complete fucking idiot.<br /> <br /> 10:32 - The Sony 3D camera. Welcome to the age of home made 3D couples porn. That's what most people are thinking when they see that commercial.<br /> <br /> 10:34 - Great pass, Jefferson. There's a CFL roster spot waiting for you somewhere in Alberta. Too bad Al Davis finally succumbed to whatever parasite was slowly eating away at his body. I'm sure he would've wasted a King's ransom on you.<br /> <br /> 10:43 - LSU's offense is LOLZ. It might as well be 70-0 with the way LSU is moving the ball. This shit is over with 2:00 left in the 3rd.<br /> <br /> 10:49 - Nice hands, Gibson. Are your fingers made out of flaccid penises? What an asshole. 15-0 Alabama.<br /> <br /> 10:56 - Sugar free Jell-O was made for people born without testicles and for use as barbaric torture devices. I felt incredibly white trash after eating that.<br /> <br /> 11:05 - Musburger - "The Honey Badger fears no man." The Honey Badger also likes fucking his team out of awesome field position late in the game by being a selfish fuck face on punt returns. The Honey Badger also likes how farts smell...ALL farts.<br /> <br /> 11:10 - HEY! LSU finally made it across the 50. Only took them three and a half quarters!<br /> <br /> 11:13 - Alabama's defense is just filthy. I would accept any one of Alabama's defensive starters in Cleveland right now. Today.<br /> <br /> 11:20 - Trenton "Baby Making Machine" Richardson...touchdown. The dagger. Richardson celebrates by getting to smell Mark Ingram's breath two inches from his face.<br /> <br /> 11:25 - This is where I tap out. Jordan Jefferson doesn't have 3 touchdowns tucked away in his anus and I don't care to stick around for any more magical Musburger moments. Congrats to Alabama. Let the debate for the "true" National Champion begin. Cowturd probably thinks it's Oregon. Or USC.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Worst Of Wildcard Weekend Vol.V</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 09:23:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qcF66XcwOpw/TwoZbTWoI5I/AAAAAAAAFCk/vAMU5S-WLlc/s1600/smith.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can I challenge my own decisions?</td></tr> </tbody></table>I got She$ a new over-the-range microwave for Christmas because I'm thoughtful and good at giving gifts and our old one worked about 30% of the time. After it had been sitting on the kitchen floor for two weeks, I decided on Thursday to rip the old one down and install the new beauty. I should have known better because this sort of project requires some carpentry skills and I possess none of those. So we ask my next door neighbor to help put it in/do all the work and he agrees. He comes over yesterday and asks if I have a drill. This is a hilarious question since I don't even know what a socket set is. He asks if I have a stud finder. It took all of my will power not to answer that with a "your stud is RIGHT HERE" and then point at myself while flexing. That kind of response would have earned a punch to the jaw. But we got it up before the games started and all is well. But my neighbor is moving soon and it's going to be a sad day when he does. Now I'm going to have to do all this stuff myself which means the G$ Death Watch is on. Shit. What I'm trying to say is that you may want to start a pool for demise. Anyway, onto the worst of this weekend's bad football games.<br /> <br /> <b>Jerry Jone</b>s - I was watching OTL on Sunday morning and they had a segment dedicated to the Cowboys and their Cambodian sweatshops. Hilarious. Jerry Jones must die.<br /> <br /> <b>Mike Mayock's lisp</b> - There is no question that Mayock knows football but someone please get him a speech coach already. Dude sounds like a queerbate.<br /> <br /> <b>Pacman Jones</b> - Nice no-show, CHUH CHUH! Imagine how bad he would have looked if Andre Johnson could actually catch on Saturday. And on the deep touchdown, that was one epic faked-out-of-jock by Pacman.<br /> <br /> <b>Talking heads</b> - Yeah, TJ Yates was shaky. What were you expecting? How can you blame a rookie for being skittish in his first playoff game? He's still better than Jake Delhomme and Jeff "Mayock" Garcia.<br /> <br /> <b>Chris Crocker</b> - CC may have had the most LOL performance in recent memory. He should have worn a clown suit on Saturday with the way that he played.<br /> 1. Dropped an easy interception in the 3rd quarter that would have crushed Houston.<br /> 2. On the aforementioned Andre Johnson bomb TD, he was completely out of position.<br /> 3. And of course, how about when Arian Foster used him as a fleshlight for his touchdown run! That was embarrassing. Remember The Simpsons episode where Homer is the pee-wee football coach? Nelson is the star player and he picks Bart up by the back of the jersey and uses him as a lead blocker. That is exactly how Foster treated Crocker. Hilarious. Crocker should be unemployed yesterday.<br /> <br /> <b>Nate Burleson</b> - What a worthless player. He was brought in to be a solid #2 and instead he makes the team worse when he's on the field. Why would a defense even cover him?<br /> <br /> <b>Matthew Stafford </b>- Don't get me wrong, Stafford is awesome and showed this year that when he is healthy he is mos def ELITE. But if you are going to throw jump balls, you only throw them to The Tron. You don't throw them to Titus Young because he will lose every time.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Ndamukong Suh</b> - Talent out the ass, but 2011 was a wasted and worthless year for football's Ric Flair. Face it, he blew dicks this year...ALL YEAR.<br /> <br /> <b>Gunther Cunningham</b> - Nice fucking defense. If the Lions don't draft a CB in the first round, they should be nuked.<br /> <br /> <b>Inadvertent whistles!</b> - Ruined the Lions momentum. Maybe Tony Corrente should focus more on being a solid ref instead of shaving his head like a scrotum. Then again, they weren't going to stop the Breesus anyway. Still though, excellent season by the Lions. Consider the roar restored!<br /> <br /> <b>Matt Ryan</b> - When is this loser finally going to win a playoff game? What is the point of drafting Julio Jones if you aren't even going to try and go deep on a terrible secondary? Matt Ryan is a poor man's Tony Romo. He got outscored by his defense!<br /> <br /> <b>Mike Smith </b>- This guy does nothing right. Has his team ever converted a 4th down? I was listening to The Common Man and The Torg on Friday and the Torg picked Atlanta to win with the exception of that if Mike Smith went for it at all on 4th down, they would lose. Clairvoyance, The Torg has it--this is such a Peter King sentence.<br /> <br /> <b>Eli Manning</b> - Yeah, yeah, yeah...he's "ELITE". There isn't a luckier QB in the league. I can think of at least 5 times this year where Tardbaby completed a 4 yard pass and either Cruz or Nicks ran 80 yards for a score. It's getting old. I hate Eli. What kind of a name is Eli anyway? I hate the name Eli as much as I hate the name Ethan, Ian, and Skylar. I hope that BJ Raji shits on his face next week.<br /> <br /> <b>Grumpy!!! </b>- FEED US, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Holy shit. Holy shit! I am writing this ten minutes after that game ended and I still can't believe how that game SAVED this weekend. HOLY SHIT! TIM TENOR IS THE TROOF AND THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!!! No hiding it now, the guy just beat the Steelers in the playoffs. That is some big fucking cajones. I can't believe that I just watched that.<br /> <br /> <b>Big Ben </b>- I'll tell you what, he's not going to get much pub from that game, but dude is a warrior. His defense let him down and he has one leg and he fucking OWNED.<br /> <br /> <b>Ike Taylor</b> - You fucking suck. Who gets burnt constantly by Tim Tenor?<br /> <br /> <b>Champ Bailey</b> - I would like to see the numbers behind how often a CB drops a pick and then the offense scores a touchdown a few plays later. It seems to happen 100% of the time. Once a Redskin, always a Redskin and Redskins drop interceptions.<br /> <br /> <b>Willis McGahee</b> - You buttfucking sumbitch! How dare you! First, you let Ohio win a national title and then you almost let the Stillers win. YOU ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING AND I HOPE YOU GET A TRANSFUSION OF RYAN CLARK BLOOD.<br /> <br /> <b>Grumpy again</b> - He seems to be not too bad of a sport about this so far (8:30 PM) considering his team just got their hearts broken by Tim Tenor and Tim Tenor alone, he is taking MAD shit from the commenters already, AND he just lost a couple hundred bucks on dinner with a bunch of fudgepackers (myself included).<br /> <br /> Tim Tenor fucking saves. Never forget that. He is not done (I hope). Next up on the Tenor Murder Tour: Belichick and Brady. He is coming. TENOR!!! This is going to be a great commenting day. Oh yes, this is going to be a great commenting day.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Power of Tenor Compels You...To Eat Free BBQ</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 08:53:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-35HoBruOAOc/TwZCN_GGNsI/AAAAAAAAFCc/R13Y2ke-mSA/s1600/Hines-Ward.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just in case you were planning on rooting against Denver this weekend...</td></tr> </tbody></table>Before we get to my playoff picks, how about a look back at my preseason <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2011/09/money-shot-afc-preview.html">NFL</a> <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2011/09/money-shot-nfc-preview.html">predictions</a>? I usually waste a day’s post on these so consider yourselves lucky that I’m just throwing it at the top of another one. ELITE!<br /> <br /> <b>Good call, Aguatto!</b><br /> * Jets 9-7 - The Jets aren't getting better but they are getting older. I will never think that Sanchise is any good.<br /> * Browns 7-9 - They're still going to kind of suck cocks and if Hillis gets hurt, this is a 3 win team, but they'll play hard and won't be a pushover.—<i>So this was kind of right</i>.<br /> * 1. Texans 10-6 - Book it.<br /> * Jaguars 3-13 - Cutting your starting QB less than a week before the first game? That's fucking terrible business.<br /> * Eagles 10-6* - It won't be as easy as the back-up QB just assumes it will be. Vick will get hurt. Andy Reid will continue to be a terrible coach. They can have as many sick corners as they want just as long as they can't stop the run. This team will NOT win the NFC. Anyone want to bet against that?—<i>Wow, other than the final record, I pretty much nailed that shit cold.</i><br /> * Redskins 6-10 I'll give the Skins a few more wins than I initially thought and thus fuck themselves out of Luck<br /> * Bears 5-11 - Everything went their way last year. Prime won't like this pick, but facts are facts. They all stayed healthy and got all the bounces last season. Things tend to even out which it will this year. Cutler is going to get killed behind that line (which probably isn't a bad thing).<br /> * Buccaneers 4-12 - Just watch and see. This team isn't nearly as good as their 10-6 record was. They might not be 4 wins-bad, but they ain't sniffing .500 this year either.<br /> <br /> <b>May I ASS you a few questions (about these terrible predictions)?</b><br /> *Bengals 1-15 - Quite possibly the worst offense ever assembled.<br /> * 1. Chargers 11-5 - Norv is coaching for the job that he never should have gotten in the first place. I see 2011 being a revenge year for the Bolts.<br /> * Bills* 9-7 - Here we go. Here's my pick to click.—<i>It started off so promising, too!!!</i><br /> * Cowboys 11-5 - Dude, look at their schedule. That is fucking cake. Yes, Dallas is going to win the division.<br /> * Giants 5-11 <i>DERP!</i><br /> * Vikings 8-8, Rams 8-8, 49ers 5-11…<i>all shit picks</i>.<br /> *MVPs – Rivers and Mario Williams <i>LOL!!!</i><br /> *ROYs – Julio Jones and Ryan Kerrigan…<i>inspired choices but will go to Cam and probably Von Miller</i><br /> *Coach – Chan The Man Gailey…<i>Christ</i>.<br /> <br /> As you can see, I did pretty well for myself this season. And both of my preseason Super Bowl teams are still playing (Saints over Texans 30-20). I’m sticking by that, too! Needless to say, I am the true NFL expert around these parts and I will prove it with our annual playoff contest. In case you have forgotten, each Friday for the next month, I will preview each game and then pick the spread and over/under. I advise you all to do the same. The winner after the Super Bowl will earn a firm handshake and punishing slap on the ass. So let’s get to the previewin’:<br /> <br /> <b>Cincinnatta @ Houston (-3) O/U 38.5</b><br /> This matchup has the potential to be truly abysmal. You don’t usually envision TJ Yates and Andy Dalton squaring off in the playoffs. It’s hard enough considering Joe Flacco a playoff QB, but these two? The Bingles seem to be everyone’s favorite to pull the upset this weekend and it’s easy to see why. Houston has been embarrassed by terrible competition the last three weeks and seemingly have no momentum. But Wade Phillips is back, Jake Delhomme heads back to the bench where he belongs, they are playing at home against a rookie QB, and they have a better defense and running game. As long as Yates doesn’t go nuts with the turnovers, I see the Texans winning comfortably here. <i>Houston 26-17 OVER</i><br /> <br /> <b>Detroit @ N’Awlins (-10.5) O/U 59</b><br /> I’m glad that NBC put this game on primetime because, while it could be a blowout, it will easily be fun to watch. We all know that the Saints are the greatest team of all time inside that dome and they already proved that to Jim Schwartz a few weeks ago. So why should we expect anything different this time? Well, Fat Stafford is arguably just as hot as the Breesus is and if the only way to beat the Saints is to outscore them, then the Lions definitely know how to light up the scoreboard. Detroit already knows what it’s like to play down there so I don’t see them being intimidated. It’s hard to fully trust the Saints after their choke in Seattle last January and their ability to get crushed by the Rams earlier this season. As I mentioned on Monday, karma is going to come back and get them eventually for running up the score these last few weeks. It just won’t be this weekend. I like the Saints to win but it will be closer than the experts think. <i>New Orleans 45-41 WAAAAAY OVER</i><br /> <br /> <b>The ATL @ The New York Football Giants (-3) O/U 47</b><br /> The Falcons feel like a team that would be God awful outside in the elements during a brisk January northern Jersey afternoon. They seem to be wanting to throw the ball all the time like some sort of poor man’s Saints when they should just keep feeding the mom-ass of Michael “Unburner” Turner. I don’t really understand why they are changing their identity that clearly works. The Giants are a weird team. The easy call here is to pick the Giants because they are playing at home and Victor Cruz is the greatest player of all time. But this team didn’t just get swept by Rex Grossman, they got TITTY-FUCKED in both of those games. Sure, they look great a lot but when Eli is off, they are SHIT. I was fully prepared to go Giants here until Justin Tuck started shooting off at the mouth about the ATL OL. Fuck him, he’s like the 5th best DL on that team. Give me the upset. <i>Atlanta 27-21 OVER</i><br /> <br /> <b>Evil (-9) @ Good AKA The Rib Bowl O/U 34</b><br /> Tim Tenor is rightfully being skewered for a month’s worth of absolute shit QB play. It doesn’t help that his receivers blow, McGahee is on life support, and that defense isn’t even average anymore. In fact, Denver might be the worst playoff team of all time. But I think that they have a chance on Sunday. Ryan Clark is out with a blood disorder in his gash. Ike Redman + John Clay equal LOL. Ben can barely move and is even admitting a setback in his ankle health. The Steelers don’t force turnovers anymore. And Shaun Suisham still sucks. Over the last month’s games (2 vs. CLE, SF, and STL), what have you seen that makes you think the Steelers are primed for a deep run in the playoffs? I’ve seen nothing. They may win this weekend, but they aren’t long for the playoffs this year. Unfortunately, I think we go rib-less, but again this will be closer than the experts think. First team to score a touchdown wins. Goddamn, I hope I'm wrong and Tenor PWNS James Harrison. <i> Pittsburgh 13-9 WAAAAAY UNDER</i><br /> <br /> This would set up PIT/NE, HOU/BAL, GB/ATL, and NO/SF. And that feels right to me. Leave your picks (spread and o/u) in the comments and pray for Tim Tenor. He’s probably going to need it. I don’t know if we’re giving away a prize for the winner or if it’s just for pride. And if you won last year, feel free to remind everyone. And another AND, I’ve told the wife that I’m going out to watch the game tomorrow night so if anybody wants to get together and watch Jim Schwartz's head explode, I’m all ears. GO BRONCOS!<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Where Is Lee Harvey Oswald When You Need Him?</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 09:28:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zFMZ3-NfTPU&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /></object></div>I clearly shot my load yesterday with that mammoth Rudy review and thus the fallout is a quick hitter today. We begin things with the first Craig James political ad being run in Texas. You know, I don’t care about politics at all and that’s the way I like it, but I would never ever vote for this asshole. Even if his whole platform was that he would personally pay my taxes out of his own wallet, I still wouldn’t vote for him. He is just such a cocksucker. So let it be known that I’m rooting for the return of the assassination! Someone please take Craig James out! It's Texas, they all have guns, right? A few other potential topics to get you through the day:<br /> <br /> *The NHL has announced that next year’s Winter Classic will feature the Toronto Maple Leafs and Detroit Red Wings invading The Big House. Wow, not really a rivalry at all but those two fanbases should be able to put a ton of asses in those 10 inch seats. What will Bettman do when Hokeamania singlehandedly beats the shit out of both teams though?<br /> <br /> *There are quite a few people out there who like to cry about there being too many bowl games. Usually, this hate is pointed at the bowls featuring the Toledos and Air Forces of the world. And that is misplaced anger. You should be pointing your fingers at the Ohio Buckeyes, Michigan offense, and the rest of the Big Ten for turning this year’s bowl season (and pretty much every bowl season to be frank) into a turd. The MAC bowls are always entertaining. The Big Ten sucks. And it's about to get even worse next year.<br /> *Denard Robinson is a fucking terrible quarterback. It just needed to be said again.<br /> <br /> *DeMarcus Cousins LOL!<br /> <br /> *Chris Jericho is back on Raw? Now I definitely know what I’ll be watching on Monday night. Sorry, but Y2J is way more entertaining than the rematch that no one wanted.<br /> <br /> *Speaking of rasslin’, and it was not mentioned yesterday, but Brad Nessler quoting Ric Flair during the Sugar Bowl only proves that Nessler is one of the all-time greats. Had his partner given him a follow-up “WOOOOO!”, I would have lost my shit.<br /> <br /> *While the start of the Cavs season has been a very pleasant surprise, I am salivating at the thought of adding Harrison Barnes, Jeremy Lamb, or Michael Kidd-Gilchrist to this team. Jesus, the draft next year is going to be so fucking sick. It might rival the class of 2003.<br /> <br /> Stay tuned tomorrow for our NFL playoff preview post and contest. I’ll also give a best and worst from my preseason predictions. Remember when I picked Philip Rivers to win the MVP? Terrible!<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Money Shot Film Review: Rudy</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:50:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5Ev5mjKU7Zc/TwOTPMpV50I/AAAAAAAAFCQ/vC6N_OHfEqc/s1600/rudy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>Last Saturday, I sit down on the couch with my elite lunch of grilled cheese and Chef Boyardee Chili Mac only to see that Rudy had just begun on some channel. Since that is one of the finest sports movies ever created (nothing will ever beat Hoosiers), I turned it on. Now I’ve seen this movie at least ten times and it will always be great, but there were more than a few head-scratching moments for me. I’ve heard that Rudy was not really all that factual and I’m starting to believe how that could be. The crux of today’s post will be to point out the scenes that make no sense to me and other random observations. I’ve done this sort of thing before, if you recall, with my skewering of <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2007/01/plot-errors-of-20-year-old-movie.html">Teen Wolf</a>, <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2008/02/plot-errors-of-14-year-old-movie.html">Little Big League</a>, and <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2010/08/worst-sports-movie-ever-open-forum.html">Field of Dreams</a> (for newbies, I recommend clicking on those three links just to see how this site has evolved). Today, Rudy gets the same treatment.<br /> <br /> *The best character in the whole movie is Rudy’s older brother, Frank. Frank correctly spends the entire film rolling his eyes at his little douche brother and treating him like shit. And he was totes justified to do so. We only get to see how annoying Rudy was for 2 hours. Can you imagine living with that guy? He’s a little shithead that constantly talks about Notre Dame football and thinks he’s too good for the steel mill! That would get old very fast.<br /> <br /> *I still don’t understand why Rudy is meant to be some hero. Much like Doc Brown was a terrorist, Rudy was a criminal himself. He lied to get that equipment room job at ND (he was the original George O’Leary!) AND he broke into the janitor’s closet every night because he was homeless. B&E, trespassing, and being a lying sonofabitch…some role model. He probably killed kids on windy days, too.<br /> <br /> *Rudy and D-Bob become BFF’s at college and do everything but toss each other’s salad. I think their relationship was that D-Bob would help Rudy get into ND and Rudy would introduce him to chicks in return. Because, yeah, that happens. Next time that one of you single guys goes out looking for some strange, pick up a homeless guy first and then have him be your wing man. See how that works out for you. That is pretty much how it went down. If they were such great buds, how did D-Bob have no fucking clue that Rudy was living in a storage room? What a shitty friend that Jon Favreau was. All he cared about was getting laid and not that his buddy was a nomad.<br /> <br /> *Speaking of D-Bob, he leaves college with this ugly broad and promises to come to the game whenever his loser friend dresses. Then he shows up to South Bend that day drinking champagne in a limo and the ugly chick is now hot. What the fuck happened in the 6 months that he was gone? Did D-Bob win the lottery? Did I miss this explanation? How did that brick of shit become a success virtually overnight? Who's the wild man now, huh? You're both lame. Now, let’s get into the football aspects of this movie:<br /> <br /> *I loved skinny Vince Vaughn as the underachieving asshole that hates everything about Rudy. Second best character in the movie!<br /> <br /> *Let’s talk about the scene where Rudy gets pissed because the big stud OL, Mateus, takes it easy on him on a practice play. So Mateus lays up on Rudy and little Danny Ruettiger gets pissed off because apparently he enjoys being murdered. Who wants to bet that the real Rudy has an entire room filled with snuff films? Then Rudy drops this gem to show-up an actual starter, “<i>What are you doing? I'm playing defense for Purdue!</i>” Uh, no, you are not. Purdue may be a terrible program, but their DE’s are three times the size of you. In fact, Rudy was doing nobody any good because crushing a little shit is not realistic to game conditions one bit. So in actuality, Rudy Ruettiger made Notre Dame worse by being on the team. FACT!<br /> <br /> *And what coach would look at Rudy, who is half the size of most punters, and say, "Stick that guy at defensive end!" <br /> <br /> *How about we move along to the big game versus Georgia Tech now. First, there are two moments that really tug at my black heart strings and neither are what you think. When Rudy leads the team out of the tunnel and he makes eye contact with Charles S. Dutton, the black groundskeeper, whose name is Fortune apparently, and after his big sack when Fortune gives him three claps and walks away. Dutton can fucking act. Rudy sucks and Fortune made that movie.<br /> <br /> *When Rudy’s stupid dad (who was the guy that got buttfucked by a hillbilly in Deliverance, by the way), walks into the stadium and looks out at the field, he has the nerve to say, “<i>This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen!</i>” GO FUCK YOURSELF, BIG DANIEL RUETTIGER.<br /> <br /> *While the game with the Yellow Jackets is still in doubt, the camera flashes over to the aforementioned behemoth known as Mateus. He has the absolute DUMBEST look on his face in the history of ever. The only way I can describe it is that it was Bull from Night Court’s confused face but only a million times more confused. And Mateus starts the famous ROOOOO-dee chant which the crowd joins in on even though they have no idea why. Seriously, this is the 70’s, not more than ten people at that game knew why they were chanting for someone named Rudy. This just goes to show that Notre Dame football fans are nothing more than sheep. Back to Mateus though, out of nowhere, he switches the cadence to his chanting. Instead of ROOOOO-dee, he starts yelling roo-DEEEEEE. This always kills me. Mateus was such an idiot. He didn't even know how to pronounce Rudy.<br /> <br /> *Dan Devine/Major League’s Eddie Harris puts skinny Vince Vaughn in to take a knee and end the game. Vaughn/O’Hara is apparently on Team Rudy though and wants the offense to run a goddamn halfback pass with 20 seconds left in a game that is over. They do. Dan Devine is beside himself and yells “WHAT DUH HELL GOIN’ ON OUT DERE?” This makes no sense unless they use the same formation for the halfback pass that they do for the kneel down (no one does). He should have called timeout once he saw that his players were up to no good. The NCAA really should have slapped Devine with a Failure To Monitor for that. I really hope that the Georgia Tech coach punched Devine out after the game for being an asshole and running up the score.<br /> <br /> *And now we’ve reached the moment when our beloved little loser finally gets to play for his beloved Irish. What a moment. The crowd erupts despite only knowing him as the little shit with the nice head of hair. Rudy’s teammates are so proud yet sad to know that they will never get to kill this kid in practice ever again. But how does Rudy react while running out for the kickoff? ARSENIO HALL FIST PUMPS, N-WORDS!!! I’ve got to be honest, his woo-woo-wooing nearly ruined the entire movie. All of that build-up to this amazing climax and it’s like Sean Astin put his dick in my mouth. BOOOOOOOO!!!<br /> <br /> *The movie ends with Dan Ruettiger sacking the Jackets QB on the last play of the game. I’m sorry, but that’s horseshit. There is 5 seconds left and Notre Dame is up by 3 scores. Why would Georgia Tech be throwing the ball exactly? Did their coach, who is so focused on beating the shit out of Dan Devine in 30 seconds, draw up a play that counted for 21 points? No fucking way. They took a knee, dammit. I wipe Rudy’s sack from the record books.<br /> <br /> End movie. With all of that being said, obviously I will still watch this movie occasionally. It still gives me chills. It can still make a lesser man than I cry like a bitch. But I don’t think I would recommend it to anyone. Why? It’s pretty simple actually. I don’t like the idea of anyone (especially myself) rooting for Notre Dame even if it is a movie. I’ve got to stick to my morals and my morals say “Fuck Notre Dame”.<br /> <br /> Final Grade for a movie that came out in 1993 that all of you have already seen: 8.5 Thumbs Up!<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Bowl Week Finale</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:02:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www2.wsls.com/mgmedia/image/630/394/79325/frank-beamer-talks-about-driving-race-ca-13090/" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> "I'll pay ya twenty bucks to lick my neck skin." <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> Happy fuckin New Year anus boils. Since most of you shit suckers are too busy sniffing 12 year old girl panties and didn't come up with New Year's resolutions...I did it for you. Because I'm a hell of a guy. Make sure you stick with it or bad shit will definitely happen to you. Like getting raped by a dragon.<br /> <br /> G$ - Stop eating scabs. It's just gross.<br /> Drew - No one thinks your used tampon collection is "neat". Get rid of it.<br /> Grumpy - STOP POOPING IN YOUR PANTS!<br /> Lil Strut - Less chest hair. For the love of God, less chest hair.<br /> Ide - Fuck a black chick.<br /> Dut - No more asking girls if it's okay if you call them Urban Meyer during sex.<br /> Prime - Look less like Jeff Daniels with AIDS.<br /> Lange - No more dirty sanchezing yourself.<br /> Ace - Eat a God damn hamburger for Christ sake. This isn't the fucking 70's.<br /> Damman - No more fat chicks. People are starting to talk.<br /> <div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Brady - Remember...the dresses are for your wife. Even the ones with the OSU logo.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /> </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">If I didn't mention you it's probably because I don't like you. My resolution was to be perfect with my picks this week. Let's take a look how I did.</div><br /> <strong>Sugar Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Michigan (-3) vs. Fighting Fake Necks</strong><br /> <br /> I'm sure this will get labeled as a homer pick but I don't care. I don't care the same way Frank Beamer doesn't care his fake neck was forged from bean bag chair leather. The fact remains that Michigan just has better players. Judging by how Virginia Tech dazzled the nation with their strength of schedule this year, I expect a complete massacre courtesy of Hoke-A-Mania. <strong>Michigan</strong><br /> <br /> <strong>Orange Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>West Virginia (+3) vs. Clemson</strong><br /> <br /> I think this one's pretty obvious. West Virginia fills up the roster with rapists, <a href="http://youtu.be/Sg-CK0Teark">slack jawed yokels</a>, back yard moonshiners, incestual marriages and toothless pig fuckers. It's just too bad none of that wins football games. Side note...was John Denver huffing moose piss when he wrote that line in "Take me Home, Country Roads"? Almost heaven?? If heaven is like your worst nightmare covered in a bad acid trip soaked in hillbilly semen, then yeah. Spot on. No wonder you're dead. Anyway, Clemson is the way better team in this match up and I think it's a blow out. <strong>Clemson</strong><br /> <br /> <strong>Cotton Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Kansas St. (+8) vs. Arkansas</strong><br /> <br /> The Hillbilly Bowl! WhoooooooEeeeeeeeee!! I expect tailgaters to have meth labs in the parking lot instead of food spreads and beer coolers. If OshKosh B'Gosh overalls get you hard, this Bowl is for you and your weird sexual fetishes. I thought Kansas State was a joke all year and their record suggests they're better than they really are. Plus the SEC is totes > than the Big 12. <strong>Arkansas</strong> <br /> <br /> <strong>Compass Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>SMU (+3.5) vs. Pittsburgh</strong><br /> <br /> What the fuck? How did this dumpster fire slip past the week of mediocre teams playing in useless bowl games? I'm offended I'm forced to write about this game this late in the bowl season. I would rather suck on inside crotch fabric of dirty underwear than watch a second of this bullshit. Because Craig James is a turbo queer...<strong>Pittsburgh</strong>.<br /> <br /> <strong>GODADDY.com Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Arkansas St. (-1.5) vs. Northern Illinois</strong><br /> <br /> Jesus Christ! Another one?! /fart noise. Way to warm the country up for the National Title Game by deep throating them with a fuckin snoozer. Perhaps this move was tactical now that I think of it. A <em>Gilmore Girls</em> marathon sounds exciting after watching this absolutely terrible game. Fuck...I guess <strong>Arkansas State</strong>.<br /> <br /> <strong>National Championship Game</strong><br /> <strong>LSU (-1) vs. Alabama</strong><br /> <br /> The 80 and over Caucasian demographic can hardly contain their boners for this one. The erections are so massive the skin is starting to split a little...like someone with really chapped lips on a cold winter evening. The only way I'm watching this game is if Gus Johnson announces and does Gus Johnson things. But it will probably be Mike Tirico with gayness ensuing. Plus I'm still bitter about Alabama getting in without a conference title and Michigan getting hosed back in 2006. <strong>LSU</strong><br /> <br /> Standings<br /> <br /> Dut 21-8<br /> Drew 19-10<br /> Iceman 18-11<br /> Damman 16-13<br /> Justin 16-13<br /> Prime 15-14<br /> Lange 15-14<br /> GMoney 14-15<br /> Andrew 14-15<br /> Brady 12-17<br /> Ace 10-19<br /> Lil Strut 3-26 (No picks. We have a new dickhead)<br /> <br /> Well, faggots. That will do it for the college football section of our program. I'm sure you're all creaming your shorts at the idea of Iceman sticking around to fill your brain with knowledge rockets. With no topic off limits for Tuesdays, this could get pretty fuckin silly. Who knows what I'll do? Maybe I'll just put up a picture of a turtle's asshole and call it a day. One thing is for sure, we'll know the winner of the bowl challenge next week. Whoever wins I'll need an address so I can mail a prize that I haven't decided on yet. I'm leaning towards a box of used condoms. Enjoy, cock knockers.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Worst Of Week Seventeen Vol.V</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 09:28:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ofz2IDbMyWY/TwB9m8sKn4I/AAAAAAAAFCE/RrC9yhgBVGM/s1600/Life-Insurance-Importance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Suck on that, Orakpo.</td></tr> </tbody></table>Last week, while at work, I got a call from an unknown number with a Chicago area code. I answer it thinking that it might be my sister or something. It was not. The guy said who he was but I wasn't paying attention at all and asked him to repeat (this happens a lot). It was the husband of a friend of mine from college. This was strange since I've only talked to him once before and it was about the Blackhawks at another wedding but whatever. He said that some situations have recently happened to he and my college friend that made them consider life options. I'm confused as shit at this point. Oh great, now he wants to talk to me about life insurance. Wait a minute, WHAT? What the fuck is going on here? She$ and I already have life insurance (she is going to clean the fuck up when I die next week by the way) and I tell him this but he does not seem to care. He wants to skype with us or something this coming week and give us a 20 minute presentation laying out a bunch of options (not happenin', just send me some literature that I won't read). I was so goddamn stunned that I couldn't think of a reason or excuse to blow him off.<br /> <br /> So I told him to request my friendship on Facebook and email me. He did. I haven't replied yet. It's been four days now. I hope he gets the hint that I did not appreciate that kamikaze tactic. I am still confused how my friend could give away my phone number and allow me to be spammed on a cold call. I don't want to be a dick since she is a friend of mine, but then again, what friend would do this? The wife is on the same page as I am and said to just blame her (which I plan on doing anyway). But the course of action I plan on taking now is the one of stupidity. I'm just going to ignore it and hope he goes away. If he sends me another email, then I just play dumb. Either way, this blows and I will not be listening to anything. Never trust anyone. Ever. Let's get talking about terrible NFL play. I will probably write way too much about this since no one else will be working today. Fags.<br /> <br /> <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2011/12/colts-can-not-fool-me.html"><b>Last Wednesday's Post</b></a> - Yeah, just ignore that one. It was a good thought that the Colts don't want Luck, but fuck me.<br /> <br /> <b>People that disagree with this</b> - Maurice Jones-Drew is the best RB in football. Period. How can you lead the league in rushing (by a lot) while playing on the worst offense in the NFL? Dude sick. I'll take him on my fantasy team any time.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Lions Defense</b> - The fuck? What a terrible effort. Over/under on Drew Brees touchdown passes next week is 7.5. Take the over.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Actually, both defenses</b> - Fat Stafford and Matt Flynn were pretty nasty though. If the Redskins signed Flynn tomorrow, he would immediately become the best QB that we've had since Mark Rypien (greatest QB of all time).<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Black Monday </b>- I like a good coach firing. Today should be fun at the Spagnuolo, Morris, Caldwell, and Norval Turner households.<br /> <br /> <b>The Sanchise </b>- This guy blows. It probably didn't help that Santonio quit the team in the 2nd quarter. The Jets signed him to a 5 yr/50 million dollar deal this past offseason. LOLZ!<br /> <br /> <b>Rex Ryan</b> - It's south Florida. You don't need a sweater vest. And please don't guarantee any more Super Bowls.<br /> <br /> <b>Michael Strahan </b>- Dammit! His fake sack record still remains as the much cooler Jared Allen falls a half sack short. Maybe if Josh McCown was as much of an embarrassment to the game as Favretard was, he would have laid down for The Mullet.<br /> <br /> <b>Stevie Johnson</b> - Way to get benched in the first half because of your cocksucking undershirt, asshole. Jesus, this guy has to be the dumbest person in a league filled with idiots.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Jake Delhomme </b>- HE'S BACK!!! Christ, how many Texan QBs are going to get hurt this year? If I was still a gambling man, I would be pumped to see that I can still bet against Delhomme in the playoffs. Why the fuck did they go for 2 from the 7? That made no sense unless they really want to play Tennessee again next week. Which they probably should because Tennessee is AIDS.<br /> <br /> <b>Sean Payton/Drew Brees </b>- Fellas, all of this running up the score that you've been doing recently is going to come back to bite you. Mark it down, all of these meaningless one yard touchdown passes to Jed Collins will haunt them.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>El Sex Cannon</b> - If that was your last start in Washington, well, uh yeah. It was pretty funny that the RedZone channel didn't show one live play of this game. It was almost like it never happened. If the starting QB for the Skins in week 1 next year isn't Luck, RG3, or Flynn, I am going to be pissed.<br /> <br /> <b>Bengals/Texans?</b> - This game will get worse ratings than the Belk Bowl. Actually, both AFC wild card games have huge turd potential.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Orton's Revenge!</b> - I don't understand why this was a big deal all week. Orton was fucking terrible and got benched. He asked to be released and the Broncos allowed him to find work elsewhere. He did. Exactly what was he trying to prove again?<br /> <br /> <b>Al Davis's Honor</b> - Guess not. At least they aren't giving up two first rounders for Carson Palmer though.<br /> <br /> <b>The Steelers</b> - So we're all in agreement that this team is just a skidmark better than the Browns, right? I mean, did you watch those two games? Those teams are even. The troof hurts.<br /> <br /> <b>Believeland</b> - Honest question: is there one single person on this team to be excited about? Joe Thomas is a stud but you don't watch games to see how a LT is doing. There is ZERO reason to watch the Browns. Draft Trent Richardson and Alshon Jeffery/Michael Floyd in the first round and maybe people will care again. Maybe...<br /> <br /> <b>Kris Humphries</b> - I just had to mention this. The Nets and Cavs played last night in Believeland. Humphries went up for a dunk and got stuffed by the rim. It was glorious.<br /> <br /> <b>Tim Tenor</b> - Hmmmmm...that was quite poor. We all know that Tenor is saving himself for marriage. I like to think that he is also saving decent QB play for the Steelers. He fucking better. It's not like he's going to have to worry about Ryan Clark's AIDS blood though. GO TENOR!!!<br /> <br /> Feel free to talk bowl games or whatever. That's it. Oh, and I won another fantasy league yesterday. 2 this year...ELITE.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The 2011 Money Shot Man Of The Year</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 08:45:00 +0000</p> The end of the year is nigh so we must reflect on 2011 and figure out who was truly the greatest man of the year. It took me awhile to shrink the talent pool down to 7 living (and 1 dead) finalists, but I am confident that we have the right men and we will honor them like the titans that they are. Who will join <a href="http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2010/12/2010-money-shot-man-of-year.html">last year's co-winners</a> of Corey Wootton and Arthur Moats? No more setup, let's get to the nominees:<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yr0s0HyywX4/TvzLKmsacvI/AAAAAAAAFAw/HSmUYGarLG0/s1600/macho-man-randy-savage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Macho Man Randy Savage</b> - RIP Macho...it took your tragic death to remind everyone of how awesome you truly were. The fact that your father set a world record for sit-ups while Nazi prisoners held his feet down only made you even more badass. Dig it. Dig it indeed. May you spend all of eternity banging the also deceased Miss Elizabeth.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CWfXDHJSDhI/TvzLUjHksoI/AAAAAAAAFA8/DANOvM0-IFs/s1600/dirk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Dirk Nowitzki -</b> Speaking of Nazis, thank you for vanquishing the Miami Heat in June, Dirk. You will always hold a special place in my cold, black heart for delaying what should be an inevitable.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X5n1p8Vo1LU/TvzLc0SUq5I/AAAAAAAAFBI/5qNC-AqJjtU/s1600/Cornholio2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Mike Judge</b> - Bringing Beavis and Butthead back was possibly the greatest decision in TV history. The show has not lost a step. I will never stop laughing at Butthead saying something followed by Beavis remembering it with an "Oh yeah". Simple and hilarious. MTV is sneakily becoming a decent network again.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2GBXqGEIuoU/TvzLjy8Oj2I/AAAAAAAAFBU/fVD7g-QUBSM/s1600/Gus_Johnson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Gus Johnson</b> - 2011 was his last year for calling March Madness AND the NFL. So sad. But he was glorious on the Big Ten Title Game call and it would be a crime if I failed to nominate Gus this year. HE KNOCKED OFF HIS 'DO RAG!<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XigiTD1gIoY/TvzLuqOphgI/AAAAAAAAFBg/bfNulPmaMWI/s1600/surma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>John Surma</b> - It was not the most enviable job in the world to take that first press conference at Penn State after the Sandusky/Paterno shit broke. But the CEO of US Steel just fucking dominated that bitch. He was direct with his answers, he pulled no punches, he didn't sugarcoat, and he sort of treated the stupid media members there like the shit that they are. If this guy somehow became the next coach at Penn State, they would be my favorite team.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DSS8OpIgND0/TvzL2uqdAII/AAAAAAAAFBs/17JzWExBFfI/s1600/tito.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Terry Francona</b> - I bet this a surprise to see. I respect Tito for taking the blame for the Red Sox collapse and I respect him even more for quietly dealing with the obvious smear campaign that ownership labeled him on the way out. Yeah, Tito's addicted to drugs. Sure thing, chach. Francona, who proved to be quite good as a commentator for Fox during the playoffs, now slides into Bobby V's spot on the ESPN Sunday Night telecast. Good for Tito.<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7BglxCc96Xc/TvzMCNSgxBI/AAAAAAAAFB4/iqVFbvJCip8/s1600/shane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><b>Shane Walsh</b> - Most deranged guy on TV? I think that he's up there with Gary Busey. He went from protecting his best friend's family after the zombie apocalypse to a genocidal, sex-crazed, glass half empty serial killer. It was outstanding. I can't wait for what he has in store next. I'm guessing that he gives Lori an abortion with his fist.<br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: large;">THE WINNER OF THE 2011 MONEY SHOT MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD IS:</span><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/E8BEtVdBoyg&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /></object></div><br /> <b>Steve Shubin</b> - Who? Oh, he's no one of importance...just the <i>INVENTOR OF THE FLESHLIGHT</i>. I wonder how he thought of this actually. Was he just sitting around one day watching softcore porn and said "Man, I would really like to stick my dick in that flashlight." Actually, if you watch the video (and you mos def should), dude is a genius. I would love to live in "the house that fleshlight built".<br /> <br /> As Ice Cube once proudly stated: Bow down to a (n-word) that's greater than you. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that Steve Shubin is, without question, greater than us. And thus, he is the 2011 Money Shot Man of the Year.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Angry Rant Thursday</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 08:43:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6knkE2WBIlQ/TvuAX6Ft3tI/AAAAAAAAFAk/1-OM5Mo0u5c/s1600/zackphone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>If you don’t recall, all of my critics and detractors applauded my wise and well-spoken post about the Colts yesterday. It was a wonderful change of pace. Don’t get used to excellent think-pieces though. Those posts are few and far between. I don’t have the time or the energy to worry about pointless shit like “consistency”. So today, instead of debating the merits of sabermetrics in Australian rules football, you get a post filled to the brim with hate. The brim of what, you ask? Go fuck yourself.<br /> <br /> So yesterday I’m at the Sprint store getting a new phone. I’m not picky. I walk right in, see the phone I want, some sales cock comes over and asks if I have questions, and I’m all like “No, ring that bitch up…I got shit to do”. It was the easiest sale of all time. While iPhones tend to be all the rage these days, I am a simple man. I’m a Blackberry guy. I know how to use that and it offers the few things that I actually need from a phone. I don’t need an iPhone and I don’t want one. If you have one, that’s great because no one cares.<br /> <br /> Anyway, so the salesman is ringing me up and tells me that the phone is $350 with in store savings of $250. I don’t get this. This sort of thing serves no purpose. Why not just say it’s $100 then? Or just go absurd and say that this phone costs $10K but I’m getting it for $100. Make me feel like a big shot. Now I understand why they do rebates (because some morons will forget to send it in) but it still pisses me off. Rebates are unnecessary homework. The cell phone industry is a piece of shit. And this mini-angry rant has started a firestorm or angry rants that will comprise the rest of this post.<br /> <br /> *How the fuck has Scott Arniel not been fired yet? Granted, every player on the Jackets is having their worst seasons ever, but the record is 9-23-5 which I believe is the worst in the sport. Six coaches have already been fired but for some reason the worst one has not. In fact, he keeps getting votes of confidence from the GM! The CBJ fucking piss me off so much. They can’t score. They can’t defend. Rick Nash doesn’t even try or care anymore. Bunch of faggots is what they are.<br /> <br /> *How annoying are those people on your Facebook feed that wrote posts about how the understand the meaning of CHRISTmas. With caps on Christ. Fucking lame. Those people are retarded. I actually celebrated christMAAS this year which is an appreciation of former Yankees bust prospect, Kevin Maas. But you don’t see me bragging about it.<br /> <br /> *For those that listen to 97.1 The Fan, which commercials are the worst: Half Price Books? Three-C Body Shop? BW3’s Table-gating? Or DeMari Trucks. I vote for DeMari Trucks because they go from the son talking about deals on trucks and it morphs into some sort of weirdo football game where the grandson is trying to get his grandpa to run a belly option. It makes no sense and that whole family has to be inbred. I feel bad for The Torg. Who writes these spots anyway?<br /> <br /> *Speaking of crappy radio this week, anyone listening to “The Black Herd”? I never thought that I’d miss Colin, but Mike Hill and Michael Smith seem to think that they are filling in on 106th and Park. Awful radio.<br /> <br /> *Yesterday, The Black Herd was debating who the best team in the NBA is…after two games. This went on for 2 full segments. Back to ESPNews for you, Mike Hill. You are terrible.<br /> <br /> *What is the point of Tony Siragusa? <br /> <br /> *I think that the NFL is the most near perfect sport around, but they need to do something about the rules. They need to bring back the 5 yard facemask and stop making pass interference a spot foul. If the refs aren’t going to let defenders hit QBs AND WRs anymore, then there has to be something given to the defense.<br /> <br /> *Brady, you were ripping Bengals fans earlier in the week and I thought of a great comparison: they are just like this year’s Indians fans. No faith that the ownership actually cares about the team and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Goddamn I’m smart!<br /> <br /> *I don’t particularly care about the Pro Bowl (even though I have won money betting on the NFC the last three years and still cherish DeAngelo Hall’s MVP from last season), but I’m getting sick and damn tired of London Fletcher getting screwed. Fletcher has 163 tackles (leads the league by a LOT) and hasn’t missed one damn game in 13 years. Patrick Willis missed the last month. Brian Urlacher has 92 tackles this year on a sub-.500 team. Stop fucking over my boy, London! And how the fuck did Philip Rivers and Eli make it?<br /> <br /> That’s going to do it for the rants today. Feel free to add your own in the comments if something is grinding your gears. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the last post of 2011. The topic? Oh, no biggie, just revealing THE MONEY SHOT MAN OF THE YEAR.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Colts Can Not Fool Me</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 08:59:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NKOYGXzwQjU/TvoySZzewDI/AAAAAAAAFAY/C_DPHJRATwY/s1600/Peyton-Manning.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DERP!</td></tr> </tbody></table>Over the past two months, it has seemed like it was all but certain that Andrew Luck would be taking his pot of whatever-goblins-eat to the City of Fat Humps. Luck is obviously going first overall, we all know this. But now his destination is much cloudier. Actually, it really isn’t. Once the Colts complete the most unlikely three game winning streak ever (because Blaine Gabbert is a pussy wart) and the Rams get murked by the Niners, much like Nelly, you can find Luck in St. Lou-aaaay. And I am going to be the first one to say this because I see all and am most excellent at reading people…<br /> <br /> The Colts never wanted Andrew Luck. Never. Don’t believe me? It’s hard to ignore the evidence once it’s all laid out in front of you.<br /> <br /> *Why go to Orlovsky before #1 was clinched? Painter is clearly the worst QB in NFL history. Let him roll up the L’s until the first pick is guaranteed and then take him out behind Lucas Oil Stadium and shoot him.<br /> *I am not implying that Dan Orlovsky is good. But he is less bad than Painter. This has nothing to do with my argument but I want to reiterate that Orlovsky blows.<br /> *Peyton Manning’s entirely guaranteed contract (and shaky health) is untradeable. Even for the bad teams like the Browns and Redskins.<br /> *Even if they do convince the Jets/Ravens/Niners to make an offer, they aren’t going to get shit in return since Manning costs 90 million plus. If you think it would be anything more than a first and a third, you are foolish.<br /> *They can’t cut Peyton Manning.<br /> *They can’t afford to keep Manning and Luck around because almost a third of their payroll would be for quarterbacks.<br /> *Do you think it is a coincidence that Joseph Addai’s worthless ass is talking about how Peyton could play today if needed? I don’t. He’s laying the groundwork.<br /> *What happens if Luck pulls an Elway or an Eli and says that he doesn’t want to play in Indy? Boy, that would be some delicious irony, wouldn’t it? I don’t think he would because his dad isn’t a cocksucker like Eli’s…but it would be humorous. I mean, who wouldn't want to be loved by this fella?<br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZZUW_rJuoeI&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /></object></div><br /> As you can see, the picture I just painted is pretty telling. It makes sense, too. If the Colts can get out of the first slot, they can then draft franchise LT, Matt Kalil, and keep Peyton upright for the next four years. And then they can keep selling 4XL #18 jerseys for the rest of the decade! I think that this is what Jim Irsay and Bill Polian and Jim Tressel have wanted all along. They don’t want to have to be forced to draft Luck and then part ways with their mega-superstar with a laser rocket arm. Changing the QB does not fix any of the HUGE problems in Indy. 75% of that roster is hot garbage. Andrew Luck coming in and Peyton going out isn’t going to make it better. This is sort of typical for life in the Midwest where change is scary and you stick with what makes you comfortable even if it isn’t the best move for the future.<br /> <br /> Now let’s correctly assume that the Rams “earn” the first pick. What the fuck do they do? They have to hire a new coach first that is for sure. Do they commit to the frail and comically overpaid Sam “Drew Poopson” Bradford? What the fuck can they get for Bradford? Can they do better than a first and a third (I don’t think so given the money owed and his crippling case of osteoporosis)? But this is where it gets good.<br /> <br /> Matt Barkley, we all know, is heading back to LA for one more year of biting boners for no reason that makes any sense considering what we know about EVERY other QB that has made the exact same mistake of staying in school. Rumors are circulating heavily that Landry Jones is wisely staying at Oklahomo and RGIII is going back to Baylor as well. Can anyone fathom why Griffin would go back for another year? He already won the Heisman at a school with no football tradition, what else is there to do? So if those two also head back to college, this draft is literally “Luck or Bust”. And thus the Rams hold all the cards.<br /> <br /> Now assuming that STL decides that they would rather build around Bradford and an assload of high picks over Luck and another pick or two, THAT PUTS LUCK ON THE OPEN MARKET! And this draft just got a whole shitload more interesting for this Redskins fan (and should for you Browns fans, too). I don’t know what it would take. I probably wouldn’t offer more than my first round pick in 2012-14 and a 2nd rounder, but the important point here is that if your front office is relatively smart and saavy, some terrible franchise can finally get a QB to build around. Actually, I would rather give up the next two drafts for the Skins over building around Ryan Tannehill.<br /> <br /> I said on Monday that I think the Redskins should try to sign Matt Flynn this offseason. Fuck that. My rational mind just figured out how to get The Cookie Monster to DC. Now all we need is for Blaine Gabbert to just be Blaine Gabbert this Sunday…<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>Bowls, Bowls and More God Damn Bowls</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (The Iceman) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 10:14:00 +0000</p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.thesportsbank.net/core/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/fitz-screaming.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div> "MOTHERFUCKIN MAN STUFF, BITCH! RAAAAWWWRRRRR!" <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> My mother never ceases to amaze me with the barrage of bullshit Christmas gifts that get unloaded on me every year. It's like she robs the homeless and wraps up what she's stolen. It's times like this where I question how my mother has gone this long and successfully learned nothing about me. Here's a short list I've compiled of completely useless gifts I've had to return over the years.<br /> <br /> -ANYTHING from Kohl's. For some reason she thinks I love that store. And sweaters. Who the fuck purposely buys sweaters? Fat truckers, pedophiles and people terrified of sexual contact. I think that covers it.<br /> <br /> -Every single t-shirt she has ever bought me. I've never been a huge guy. Currently I go about 6'1" 215 lbs and that's the biggest I've ever been. Yet every year I get XXL t-shirts from my mom because she claims one year I said I like my clothes big. For the record...never said anything close to that. And even if I did, that doesn't mean I want fucking trash bag sized shirts like Ben Roethlisberger. I don't have C-cup sized man tits I'm desperate to keep a secret.<br /> <br /> -Footwear of any kind. Shoes, slippers, sandals, socks...all of it. Let's ignore for a second the ferociously hideous style of footwear she gets me. Even if I did want fucking dragons or wolves plastered all over my sneakers, the fact that she consistently gets me size 12 of everything makes it a moot point. I've worn size 14 since I've been twelve. Fucking twelve. For 20 years she has been completely bricking on my shoe size. Now that's love.<br /> <br /> -Picture frames. I'm not a girl. Or in Junior High. Or gay. Or Dut. And I certainly don't give a shit about pictures which is why I've never owned a camera in my life.<br /> <br /> So let's fast forward to this year. No different...in any way. First, I got a 8 pack of white ankle socks. I fucking hate ankle socks with a feverish passion and emphatically voice my opinion on them every single year. They're quite possibly the dumbest thing on the clothing market next to fishnet shirts and dumb as fuck Ugg boots. I felt betrayed when I tore away the paper and saw these fuckin things staring back at me. I just shook my head and blindly heaved them over my head without saying a word.<br /> <br /> Second, I got a pair of sandals...and you guessed it. Size 12. I was flabbergasted. How the fuck does my girlfriend's mother know more about my than my own mother? It's truly astonishing. Every year at Christmas it's like we've never met before. It would be sad if it weren't so hilarious. After that my expectations were so absurdly low I was actually pumped when I opened a four pack of underwear that were actually my size. Merry fuckin Christmas, Iceman. While I go return 90% of my gifts for cash, let's unwrap some bowl predictions.<br /> <br /> <strong>Little Caesars Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>W. Michigan (+3) vs. Purdue</strong><br /> <br /> Western Michigan likes to score but they also hate defense. Purdue just has better athletes. Robert Marve looks like leatherface and I think that helps him be a better football player. I'm also pretty sure his mother sold him as a baby for drug money. Purdue (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Belk Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Louisville (+1) vs. NC State</strong><br /> <br /> What the fuck is a Belk? What a stupid fuckin name for a bowl game. Fitting that two stupid teams are playing in it. Louisville is better in basketball sooooooo........Louisville (+1)<br /> <br /> <strong>Military Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Toledo (-3) vs. Air Force</strong><br /> <br /> The Air Force is good at flying planes and making sure we don't die in our sleep at the hands of filthy terrorists. I heard they're also highly underrated bakers. But that's it. I know Toledo has a lot of criminals on their team, but none that are a big enough threat for AF to care. Toledo (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Holiday Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>California (+3) vs. Texas</strong><br /> <br /> There is nothing more powerful on this earth than the homosexual love between Case McCoy and Jaxon Shipley. It can make Nuns weep. You've seen what <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohMNGeYGg6w">Ace and Gary</a> can accomplish when they combine their powers. Expect the same from McCoy and Shipley. Texas (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Champs Sports Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Florida St. (-3) vs. Notre Dame</strong><br /> <br /> Brian Kelly slices the femoral artery of a back up linebacker who misses a tackle with a shaved whale's tooth he keeps in his sock at all times. After winning the game, Kelly's apology falls on deaf ears. Kelly celebrates by murdering another student videographer. Dayne Christ still blows. Notre Dame (+3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Alamo Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Washington (+10) vs. Baylor</strong><br /> <br /> G$ will get over his Boner Lover Barkley hangover real quick after realizing the Redskins will be drafting RG3 this year. The next Doug Williams?? Perhaps. Now you just need the next John Riggins. Begin the search in Montana. There's an abundance of weird fucks there. Baylor (-10)<br /> <br /> <strong>Armed Forces Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>BYU (-1.5) vs. Tulsa</strong><br /> <br /> Mormons suck at having premarital sex, suck worse at being normal people and suck even more than that at football. Furthermore, Cowturd thinks BYU is a good team and Steve Young infected the campus with retardery at one point. Just too many negatives here. Tulsa (+1.5)<br /> <br /> <strong>Pinstripe Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Rutgers (-1.5) vs. Iowa St.</strong><br /> <br /> The power of paralysis. Not quite as polarizing as the dick/butt love of McCoy/Shipley, but still quite magnetic. Tell me Rutgers isn't starving to win this for their team mate who can't. This one's for Eric LeGrand. Rutgers (-1.5)<br /> <br /> <strong>Music City Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Miss St. (-7) vs. Wake Forest</strong><br /> <br /> I'm not sure why the spread is 7 here since Mississippi St. really didn't compete well in the SEC. They were pretty much dominated by every decent team they played where at least Wake was able to keep it close against the better teams in the ACC. Wake Forest (+7)<br /> <br /> <strong>Insight Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Iowa (+14) vs. Oklahoma</strong><br /> <br /> Is there a more fuckin boring team in all of football than Iowa? Isn't it hilarious how Kirk Ferentz's name continues to be mentioned as a potential NFL head coach when he's clearly is dumber than clam juice? Am I the only one who thinks 14 is too low? Oklahoma (-14)<br /> <br /> <strong>Meineke Car Care Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Texas A&M (-10) vs. Northwestern</strong><br /> <br /> I'M PAT FITZGERALD!! I'M ETERNALLY ANGRY BECAUSE I HAVE A UNISEX NAME SO I'M CONSTANTLY FORCED TO PROVE MY MANHOOD BY DOING IRRATIONAL THINGS LIKE BURNING MY GENITALS WITH BOILING WATER OR HEADBUTTING TREES UNTIL MY EARS BLEED!! AHHHHHHHH!! FUCK YOU!!! INTENSITY!!!! Texas A&M (-10)<br /> <br /> <strong>Sun Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Georgia Tech (-3) vs. Utah</strong><br /> <br /> Did you know Urban Meyer coached at Utah?!?!?! Just throwing a fun Urban Meyer fact out there so we have another irrational reason to talk about Buckeye football. Utah lost to Colorado this year. That's all I needed to know. Georgia Tech (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Illinois (-3) vs. UCLA</strong><br /> <br /> Well, this sure as shit isn't the Kraft Fight Boredom Bowl. Is Nueheisel's plastic face allowed to coach this game after getting fired? No? Damn...UCLA may have a chance. Last question: Is Nathan Scheelhaase white or black? Whether or not I pick Illinois depends on the answer. What's that?? White <em>and</em> black? Close enough. Illinois (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Liberty Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Cincinnati (+1.5) vs. Vanderbilt</strong><br /> <br /> What's the over/under for 6'8" black dude haymakers? There's too many fucking bowl games if Vanderbilt is in one at 6-6. This is getting re-God damn-diculous. Hey! Remember when Cincy fans thought Zach Collaros was going to be a stud? Those laughs got me through some dark days. Still like the BearCats though. Cincinnati (+1.5)<br /> <br /> <strong>Chick-fil-A Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Virginia (+3) vs. Auburn</strong><br /> <br /> Soooooooo maaaaaaaaaany boooowwwwwwl gaaaaaaaaames. Auburn (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Ticket City Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Houston (-6) vs. Penn State</strong><br /> <br /> Can Houston <strong>PENETRATE</strong> Penn State's suffocating defense? Can the Nittany Lions <strong>PLUG</strong> the right <strong>HOLES</strong> and keep the Cougars from <strong>SCORING</strong> <strong>OFTEN</strong> on these <strong>YOUNG</strong> <strong><strike>BOYS</strike></strong> <strong>MEN</strong>? The key is to <strong>ATTACK</strong> when the defense looks <strong>VULNERABLE</strong> and <strong>RAM IT HOME</strong> when you have the chance. Pedophilia. Houston (-6)<br /> <br /> <strong>Gator Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Ohio <strike>State</strike> (+2) vs Florida</strong><br /> <br /> Urban Meyer's new team vs. Urban Meyer's former team. It's only interesting to Buckeye fans since the rest of the country hates terrible football. Ohio <strike>State</strike> (+2)<br /> <br /> <strong>Outback Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Michigan State (+3.5) vs. Georgia</strong><br /> <br /> Since Matt Barkley can't play in a bowl game this year, expect Colon Cowturd to gush uncontrollably about Kirk Cousins to fill the empty void USC left. Also expect Cousins to make double digit terrible decisions. Georgia (-3.5)<br /> <br /> <strong>Capital One Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Nebraska (+3) vs. South Carolina</strong><br /> <br /> Fuck. Who do I want to lose more? Taylor Martinez or Steve Spurrier? My heart tells me Spurrier. Unfortunately my brain knows that Martinez is fucking terrible and throws like a bitch. Also, Stephan Garcia is too busy crushing lines of blow off of cock shafts and won't be there to be responsible for 8 turnovers. SC (-3)<br /> <br /> <strong>Rose Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Wisconsin (+6) vs. Oregon</strong><br /> <br /> It's gonna be a shoot out and when that happens Oregon is just better than everyone. Sorry, Rusty Wilson. Oregon wins by a lot. Then we all watch in horror as LaMichael James chews through the goal post with his robotic underbite. Oregon (-6)<br /> <br /> <strong>Fiesta Bowl</strong><br /> <strong>Stanford (+4) vs. Oklahoma St.</strong><br /> <br /> The battle of the quarterbacks...but only one sounds like Fozzy Bear when he talks. EDGE: Luck. Stanford's only loss is to Oregon and Oklahoma State's only loss was to Iowa State. EDGE: Stanford. And I'm not fully convinced the Big 12 was that much better than the Pac-12. Stanford (+4)<br /> <br /> Here are the standings through the first two weeks.<br /> <br /> Dut 6-2<br /> GMoney 5-3<br /> Iceman 4-4<br /> Ace 4-4<br /> Andrew 4-4<br /> Drew 4-4<br /> Prime 4-4<br /> Brady 3-5<br /> Lil Strut 3-5<br /> Damman 2-6<br /> Justin 2-6<br /> Lange 1-7 (way to not submit picks, dick head)<br /> <br /> Two new developments this week. We have Lange who didn't pick a single game and slipped into last, and we now have Justin joining the ranks. I allowed his picks (before the games kicked off) because he's terrible at picking stuff like this and it'll be a gas mocking him. Currently Dut is in first but I anticipate that changing rapidly since he probably picked the first two weeks based on who has the hotter players. Next week I'll preview the remaining games all the way up until the national title game. Then a champion will be crowned and a super awesome prize will be mailed to the winner. It's a lock of my pubes. On that note, I hope all you fags got what you wanted for Christmas this year and make sure you get shithouse hammered on New Year's Eve. See all you funky butt lovers in 2012.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> <article> <h1>The Worst Of Week Sixteen Vol.V</h1> <p>noreply@blogger.com (GMoney) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 07:37:00 +0000</p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody> <tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QzzFubzWw4s/TvfWrHx0egI/AAAAAAAAFAM/ZQAzEf9XM6Y/s1600/Randy_Savage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"></a></td></tr> <tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Royalty...just like G$</td></tr> </tbody></table>Gentlemen...the winner and NEEEEEWWWWW DFL CHAMPION...GMoney!!! Sure, it isn't over yet, but I've got a 17+ point lead with Breesus, Jimmy G, and Matt Bryant tonight while Reba/Ide has Colston and Lance Moore. I'm willing to call this one. Holy shit. I just won a fantasy football league! This is pretty much the greatest feeling ever (it's been a long six years!). <i>Caylee Anthony Makeout Party</i> was probably the best team that I've ever assembled and it lived up to my lofty expectations with an ELITE 13-2 TITLE season. So the first annual DFL Trophy Fleshlight is coming my way...Dut actually had the nerve to ask me if I really wanted that. OF COURSE I DO. Instead of ordering it online, though, I think it would be better if you took me on a date to The Lion's Den so we could pick it out together. You know, try a few on to see which fits best.<br /> <br /> I AM A GODDAMN CHAMPION! Best Christmas present ever. I would like to thank my true warriors: Breesus, Mendenhall, Bradshaw, Larry Fitz, Boldin, Santana Moss, Reginald Wayne, Jimmy Graham, and Gronk N-word. And Lance Ball...can't forget about Lance Ball. And if I'm not on Big Brother this summer, expect to see the most lavish and homosexual champion's entrance at the DFL Draft that would even make Uncle T blush. It's coming and it will be glorious.<br /> <br /> Anyway, on to week 16's doo doo:<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>The Colts? </b>- I'm going to write more about this on Wednesday actually. You can bet your sweet ass that they win in Jacksonville on Sunday.<br /> <b><br /> </b><br /> <b>Tim Tenor</b> - The Lord works in mysterious ways. How doth he explain Tenor's skidmark performance in Buffalo the day before Christ's birth? All of those people that think religion is a sham can point to this as proof.<br /> <br /> <b>Early Doucet</b> - You know good goddamn well that blacktard Cris Carter will pick Doucet's game-losing, wide open touchdown fall down as his "Come On, Man" tonight. CC needs to die. And I really hope that the Bengals lose on Sunday because I want to see me some RAIDERS in the playoffs.<br /> <br /> <b>The Patriots</b> - It's really starting to piss me off that they let Tom Brady rush so many fucking one yard touchdowns. That is why you have goddamn running backs. I hope that Brady breaks his hairpiece on an unnecessary sneak. And who falls behind 17-0 to the Dolphins at home? I'm telling you, don't fall for these guys. They will not win a playoff game.<br /> <br /> <b>Rex Ryan</b> - I love Rex Ryan. He's a loudmouth blob with a weirdo foot fetish. His schtick is great when the Jets are winning. But now, eh, it's getting lame. I hate Brandon Jacobs but he was totes right...It's time to shut up, fat boy.<br /> <br /> <b>Mark Sanchez </b>- His days are numbered. There is no fucking way that the Jets can give him an extension after his contract runs out after next season.<br /> <br /> <b>Phil Taylor</b> - Classic Browns right there. Granted, they would not have won the game anyway, but at least they would have had the chance. By the way, Baltimore is garbage. Do you remember what I said about Sanchise four lines ago? The same thing applies to Joe Flacco. If for some reason the Colts put Peyton Manning on the trade block, I guarantee you that the Jets and Ravens make an offer.<br /> <br /> <b>People that think that A-Rodgers is the MVP</b> - IT SHOULD GO TO DAVID AKERS! David Akers SICK! He averages THREE made field goals per game. I would bet that the Niners are a 5 win team without Akers.<br /> <br /> <b>Tony Romo</b> - What a pussy. It was nice to see the Cowboys roll over and die since it didn't really mean anything to them to beat their rival. Way to quit on your fans! Anyone foolish enough to bet on Dallas to win in NJ next Sunday night is too dumb to have any money in the first place. The Giants are a fucking LOCK.<br /> <br /> <b>Was that the Redskins? </b>- The same team that swept the Giants just got titty-fucked by Toby Gerhart and Joe Webb. They end Adrian Peterson's life and Ponder's season yet get steamrolled by their backups? I chalk that one up to the heartbreaking decision by Matt "Boner King" Barkley. My dad thinks that the Skins should make a run at The Kyle Orton Express (God no). I wouldn't mind if they went after Matt Flynn and build around him. He was good enough to keep a BCS ring off of Commenter Daniel's finger in college, so he's good enough for me.<br /> <br /> <b>LIONS H8RZ</b> - Congrats to all of the Lions fans out there for clinching a playoff birth for the first time since 1999 when the Skins kicked your ass. Remember when the Skins won the NFC East? Good times. It's been a weird year for the Lions with the offensive explosions ruined by a pathetic coach scrum and a cocksucking DT, but props nonetheless for getting the job done. May you truly enjoy your 20 point loss to the Saints...again (I don't actually remember how much you lost by so back off).<br /> <br /> Congrats to Lange who appears will win the MSFL title (Damman 2nd, G$ third). Dude started out 3-6 and has not lost since (led by Tim Tenor natch). Well done, sir, enjoy those White Castle gift cards--CORRECTION! Actually, this one is far from over. Of course, I would have killed both of these losers this week...goddamn Rodgers. <br /> <br /> Fuck. I probably wrote too much considering I've got to be the only asshole working today and the internet will be slowed way down. Stupid fucking me. Correction---stupid fucking CHAMPION me. That sounds way better.<div class="blogger-post-footer"></div> </article> </main></body></html>