The More, The Messier

Why Jews Shouldn't Go To Church

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:54:00 +0000

I made it to church today with the rest of the family. Sometimes I'm working, sometimes I can't find the dress slacks that fit; but today the stars aligned just right so that I could sit with Larry and the kids and wonder why I hadn't noticed that Susie was wearing athletic socks with her cute little patent leather ballerina flats.

Believe me, Larry NEVER notices stuff like that. Something to do with that y chromosome, I'm thinking...

Anywhoo, I did okay until the second reading. Paul, to the Corinthians. I listened attentively as the lector read aloud:

	The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord;
33	but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife,

And I laughed. Out loud. A literal LOL, people - in a completely quiet sanctuary full of fellow parishioners who apparently weren't raised on Borscht Belt marriage humor.

I mean, that was funny, wasn't it? "How to please his wife..." Ba-da-bum! That Paul! He WAS Jewish, you know...

I spent the next 5 minutes snorting into my scarf, while Larry pretended he didn't know me. I'm betting that next Sunday? He leaves me home.

[Bible image: St. Cuthbert's]

Waffle Fries - Friend Or Foe?

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 04:57:00 +0000

--- 1 ---

Judging from the comments yesterday, I am not the only one who has issues with losing things down sewer gratings. I seem to have hit a nerve. Also, I'm not the first person on earth who has had to replace a cellphone. Who knew?

--- 2 ---

You know you want some...

We ate 2 meals at ChikFilA today. Don't get all judge-y on me. I wasn't about to let some good coupons go to waste.

--- 3 ---

Homemade pizza for lunch, though - with carrots on the side. Does that balance things out?

--- 4 ---

We had a hair conditioner leak today which was reminiscent of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. It is EVERYWHERE. And the entire vanity cabinet reeks of Floral Essence. I blame my teenager. The girl one, that is...

--- 5 ---

Susie, my youngest, has finally learned how to play Dutch Blitz. Glory, hallelujah, I will never have to play another boring card game like War again. And the more we play Dutch Blitz, the more Anna can feel justified in her belief that we practically raised her Amish.

--- 6 ---

Meaning, our 8-year-olds aren't walking around with personal cellphones. And we don't have cable TV. The children are, however, allowed to wear zippers.

--- 7 ---

Jennifer would never take her kids to ChikFilA twice in one day. At least, she'd never admit to it. For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

[Waffle fries image: NCSU Dining]
[Dutch Blitz cards image: Almost Amish]

I'm A Slow Learner

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:25:00 +0000

I've been keeping up with all my favorite blogs every day but not writing here. You all entertain and amuse me, and I'll just sit here.

No, no, that can't be right.

Anywhoo, I spent my time today trying to replace all the contacts in my cellphone. My NEW cellphone. Because the OLD cellphone is lying in a storm drain in a parking lot at our town's shopping center. The storm drain next to what I used to consider the BEST parking space in the whole lot.

Really, I should have known better - I lost a crochet hook down that same storm drain once. I swear, it's like I get out of the car and stand there shaking my purse upside down over the sewer grating. But I don't. I think there is some sort of magnet down there.

Actually, I almost lost my keys down there once, too. You'd think I'd park elsewhere, wouldn't you? But what are the odds? I thought. What are the odds that I would drop something else in that VERY SAME SPOT?

Apparently, the odds were pretty good.

7 Quick Takes: Merit Badge Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:54:00 +0000

--- 1 ---

Larry took the 2 younger boys skiing with the Boy Scouts. That means I'm left here with the girls, all by my grown-up self, to sit up late at night and imagine someone is going to break into the house through the basement. Sometimes I take a break from that and worry that I am going to see a ghost. And there is always the possibility of another bat invasion...

--- 2 ---

This condo is looking better and better.

My point being, I need to be able to move into a tiny 1-bedroom unhaunted condo on the nights that Larry is gone. That would suit me just fine.

--- 3 ---

Larry and I managed to have an argument just before he left. No details need to be repeated here, as it was beyond stupid, as these things tend to be. But, in that light, I vastly enjoyed Barefoot Foodie's little jeu d'esprit today on the subject of marital spats.

--- 4 ---

I don't know what "jeu d'esprit" means, actually.

--- 5 ---

Oh, look! The boys get a merit badge for skiing. I'm thinking that no one gives ME merit badges. I'm pretty sure I've earned a few in the past 2 decades. Let's see...do they have one for nagging the kids? Knitting? Listening to one's spouse talk about work?

--- 6 ---

There! I just taped up the gaps around the edges of the fireplace insert. Take that, bats! And that masking tape sure does look attractive against the white brick fireplace. Maybe I'll snap a photo and start a home decorating blog.

--- 7 ---

Jennifer doesn't lie awake worrying about bats and burglars. She just fears scorpions in her slippers. For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary! In the meantime, I'll be looking up how to get my merit badge for bat infestation prevention.

[floor plan: timeshareorlando]
[skiing image: ecrater]

5-Alarm Onions

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:12:00 +0000

We almost had a major kitchen fire this evening. I blame the distracting powers of the Internet.

Charcoal - it's what's for dinner.

The Family That Camps Together...

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 03:42:00 +0000

Larry and I are currently in negotiations over where to take the family camping this year. Using last year as our experience base, we were able to rule out the following:

1. Any location with a stinkbug infestation

2. Any location which finds it necessary to post this fun kids' video on its website. I don't know about you, but Unexploded Ordinance (UXO, for short) does not spell "fun family hike" to me.

With those 2 requirements settled, we've still got a lot of places left to argue over. Larry prefers out-of-the-way, quiet campgrounds with secluded tent sites where you can sit and relax in peace and quiet while you soak up the goodness of nature. I, on the other hand, only want to camp somewhere that I can drag the children on different hikes or historical tours every single day and then return to a crowded campground to socialize with other people and their kids. Social lodge and fitness room on the premises? Bonus!

You know, if I want to sit and relax, I prefer to do so at home on my comfy couch, not outside in an insect-ridden environment. Why would I drive 4-8 hours with 6 kids in the car to relax, anyway? Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

7 Quick Takes: Starving Brain Cells Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 19:22:00 +0000

--- 1 ---

I don't know how long this has been going on, but Blogger changed my comments section so that y'all can reply to each other's comments. I'd always been jealous of the bloggers who had that capability; I thought thtey were in some special club where the secret of comment-replies HTML was handed out. But now this secret is available to the teeming Blogger masses. Check it out! Comment! Reply! Reply again!

--- 2 ---

The little yellow dots decide dinner.

Also, if any of you could let me know whether Blogger notifies you that someone replied to your comment, that would be great. There's probably a way I could figure that out all by myself, but I need those brain cells to decide what's for dinner.

--- 3 ---

One of the bloggers I had been envying for her comment-reply capabilities is Momastery. She's recently become very popular due to a post that went viral on Facebook; but really, I liked her before that. So there. Anyway, you should check her out. She has way more brain cells left than I do.

--- 4 ---

Meatballs - I think we'll do IKEA meatballs for dinner. It's the only dinner where no one cries.

--- 5 ---

Whew! That was difficult. I'm wiped out. Darn Weight Watchers - I think my brain is starving.

--- 6 ---

But, no, really - that half a piece of lasagna I had for lunch along with a heaping bowl of salad was plenty filling. Plenty! I don't want to rip open a bag of Trader Joe's semisweet chocolate chips right now AT ALL. I LOVE eating healthy.

--- 7 ---

Jennifer always eats healthy, unless she's busy pairing white wine and chicken nuggets for a fancy company dinner. For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

[brain cell image: GraphicsHunt]
[IKEA meatball image: aeracura]
[chocolate chips image: make and takes]

I Heard The M&M's Call My Name

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 05:03:00 +0000

You're not hearing much from me because I am nearing the end of my contract year again and, as always, I am way behind. Also? The children keep asking for things like food and clean clothes. Pesky little people, they are...

It refuses to snow here, which is putting all of us in a bad mood. We even hid the Christmas sleds up in the attic (while proclaiming loudly, "I guess we won't be needing these this year!") in a pathetic attempt to trick the weather fates.

And? I'm back to Weight Watchers. Why? Because I kept gaining weight. I'm pretty sure that all the chocolates and cookies that have been infiltrating my abode have something to do with that. Although, as Larry doesn't mind pointing out, I don't HAVE to eat them.

He's wrong. I DO have to eat them. That's precisely the problem. Men don't understand ANYTHING.

I have a pesky cough which I am pretty sure is a sign of something deadly. Please, Lord, don't let me be an overweight corpse. Give me a few months.

Larry won't understand THAT, either. Are men more well-adjusted than women? Discuss.

[Sled image: Sled Warehouse]

7 Quick Takes: New Year's Hangover Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 22:28:00 +0000

--- 1 ---

We have been subsisting on a steady diet of New Year's party leftovers. We may die of scurvy and/or hypertension, but we'll die happy.

--- 2 ---

Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps, anyone? They're absolutely awesome.

--- 3 ---

The other day I tweeted about how I clean up for guests by shoving everything under the Christmas tree and pretending the whole mess is presents. @ConversionDiary retweeted this handy hint to thousands of people who apparently think I'm being funny.

People, I was serious. I thought everyone (with more than 4 kids) did the same. In fact, I thought that was what Christmas trees are for. You know, you can't hide a heck of a lot of stuff under a menorah.

--- 4 ---

Did I ever mention the time I was having an old college friend and his family over for dinner, back when we had only 4 kids, the youngest being a nursing toddler, and we were too broke to fix up our house at all? Borderline Squalid, that was our decorating theme. Sort of like Shabby Chic, only uglier and cheaper. Larry and I debated setting up ladders and dropcloths all over the main living area, so we could pretend that we were in the middle of a major home renovation. "Oh, excuse the mess!" And the crappy paint job, and the missing doors, and all that...

--- 5 ---

Haven't seen those folks since, actually. Larry, who isn't the quickest on the uptake when it comes to social cues, turned to me as my friend and his wife walked out the door and said, "Well, I guess we're not on HER A-list, are we?" Yeah, it was that obvious.

--- 6 ---

So! We held our annual neighborhood New Year's Day Open House on Sunday, and it was a roaring success. Getting ready for it, however, almost required the services of a mediator. Who knew 2 people married 21 years could get into a fight over where to set out the pizzelles? It's a special skill we have.

But, just for the record, Larry was wrong.

--- 7 ---

Jennifer would never argue over baked goods with her husband. For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

[TJ ginger snaps image: Stuff H Likes]
[Pizzelles image: Etsy]

2012 Pillow Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 01:50:00 +0000

I crawled into bed past midnight last night. Larry rolled over and mumbled, "Where were you?"

"I had to stay up and follow Iowa. It was awesome!"

"Iowa? Oh, the caucuses. Um, yeah. Awesome." (Yawn.)

"You should have heard Newt. He's out for blood."

"Newt...mmm,hmm..."

"And Santorum trounced Bachmann and Perry!"

Silence. Then a snore.

Electoral politics isn't for everyone, apparently. Larry's probably thinking it's going to be a very long year.

[Map: Caffeinated Thoughts]

Love And Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 04:28:00 +0000

Okay, someone landed here by searching on the term

marriage "resigned to my fate"

I would just like to say that I am sorry your Google-esque cry for help was answered with a blog post comparing a dishwasher to a dead Osama bin Laden. I'm sure that didn't provide any answers. If you need inspiration on achieving conjugal bliss, though, you can read about how Larry and I manage to choose paint colors, share toothpaste tubes, and divvy up household tools.

Your marriage looks pretty good by comparison, no?

[marriage picture: Facebook]

My Favorite Tweets of 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:14:00 +0000

[The idea for this post was stolen from Where Hot Comes To Die. I am telling you this so that Suzy doesn't hunt me down and kill me. She's not the type to fall for that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" nonsense.]

@Borowitz Report
If you're happy and you know it you're not Jewish.

@motherwise
Note to self. Don't put sunblock lotion near toothpaste.

@JohnFugelsang
I have one joke about the Jim Jones Guyana tragedy but it's got a very long punch line.

@HotComesToDie
Jack LaLanne dead at 96. Obviously he wasn't in as good a shape as he led us to believe.

@TheOnion
Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults http://onion.com/t4fr4t #OurAnnualYear #local

@MinutesofMayhem
Yet more Jobs lost under Obama's watch

@badbanana
Parenting is like manning a control panel with unmarked buttons. You just hope you don't accidentally initiate the bell tower sequence.

@JohnFugelsang
Complaining about lack of privacy on Facebook is like complaining about nudity at an orgy.

[Twitter image: ConverStations]

Praise The Lord And Pass The Chocolate Santas

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 04:14:00 +0000

A couple of weeks ago, Susie said, "Santa doesn't bring enough candy."

"You think he should bring more candy?" I asked.

"Yup. Fun candy. Christmas candy!"

People, her request struck me as the Christmas equivalent of a Get Out of Jail Free card. Just think - an end to hunting for small wooden toys that look to be of elfin manufacture! No more agonizing over buying cheap playthings that will end up in a landfill!

So, instead of searching for thoughtful and age-appropriate presents this year, I went for the edibles. In a very big way. I filled the kids' stockings with sure-to-be-consumed Christmas-themed confections - marshmallow Santas, Krisp Kringles, Christmas Peeps - you name it, I stuffed it in there. Under the tree were 5 wrapped packages of Harry and David Moose Munch (wickedly cheap with my 30%-off coupon at Kohl's), Hot Tamales, and whatever else I could find in my candy-shopping frenzy.

Oh, and some cheap plastic sleds from Target...which gift has completely jinxed any possibility of snowfall in this region in the coming months.

A side benefit to this surfeit of sweetmeats? The kids were all too full for lunch. Now I call that a merry Christmas indeed.

[Moose Munch image: Welcome to Mooseville]

Does She...Or Doesn't She?

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 02:34:00 +0000

Larry and I went to an honest-to-goodness cocktail party on Saturday. Oh, yes, we did. Many of my friends and acquaintances were there, and I sat down next to Cheryl, the lovely lady who teaches my David (along with other homeschooled teens) the basics of high school biology and chemistry. Needless to say, I adore her. She greeted me with "Oh, I love your hair! Did you just get it done?"

"Yes! Thanks, I like it, too!" [Oh, wasn't I smart to schedule that hair appointment in time for the party?]

She continued gazing at me. "That color looks really good."

[Oh, dear, does she think I had it colored, or is she just complimenting my natural shade? Let's move past this. Quickly.] "Thanks!"

Let me note here that I have never known Cheryl to simply blurt out the first thought that comes into her mind. Ever. Her naturally reserved demeanor makes me feel as though I am a chattering magpie. And yet here she was now, continuing to stare at my hair while saying, "Have you had it colored before?"

[What now? I could lie and let her save face. But the truth will out.] "Actually, it's not colored - it's just my normal shade. The encroaching gray looks like highlights!" I ended with a disarmingly lighthearted laugh meant to communicate amusement and a complete absence of umbrage. [There! That should do it.]

But no. Still eyeing my hair, she took a page out of my own foot-in-mouth playbook by asking, "Are you sure?"

Um, yes. Yes, I'm sure. I'm way too cheap to pay for color treatments. But I didn't say that. I just stuffed my mouth full of canapés and nodded amiably. Because, you know, it's not every day I get to go to a cocktail party.

[Clairol Ad image: I Am Grateful]

God Rest Ye, Merry Knitters...

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 04:20:00 +0000

Tonight I scored a sock monkey tree ornament, a snowman cookie plate, and 2 skeins of Happy Feet sock yarn from the Plymouth Sock Company, all from the Yankee Swap gift exchange at my knitting group's annual Christmas party. Beats my usual evening of editing documents until my eyes fall out, you know?

This is awesome yarn. Just look at those colors!

And by this time tomorrow, my felted Lopi tote nightmare might just be over. A Lopi tote Christmas seemed like such a fun idea back in October, didn't it? That's because in October, December seems VERY FAR AWAY. But it isn't. It lies in wait just behind Halloween, laughing at my ambitious knitterly plans.

I swear, I can't even remember November. Did it happen this year?

Self Awareness

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:38:00 +0000

I've realized a few things about myself lately:

I am the only blogger alive who does not care whether or not she learns to take better photos. No matter how you focus it, a finger up the nose is a finger up the nose.

I am never going to be able to eat whatever I want and stay thin. It only took me 35 years to figure that one out.


This is me, only I don't have a cat. Yet.

Without a baby to take care of, I'm nothing but a disorganized slob without a purpose in life. What's more, I'm okay with that.

If the above thought starts bothering me, I knit until it goes away.

I really don't like to cook anymore. I used to. I even baked my own rye bread, for heaven's sake. I dabbled in yogurt-making, too. That's all behind me now. The time I used to spend cooking, I now spend finding coupons for 5-dollar pizzas and buy one/get one free entrees. Also? Kids Eat Free deals...those rock.

I know I sound jaded, but I'm not. I still get excited about rain puddles, snowstorms, and long walks in the park.

Boy, if I were ever to use an online dating site, I guess that last sentence would be a start. No pina coladas, though.

Larry's not going to like the online-dating joke. But he's probably still mad about the shirt. I could write an online-dating blurb for him, too:

Seeking SWWLP (Single Woman Who Likes Plaid). Catching your own damn stinkbugs a plus!

I never really understood this song. Shouldn't they have been mad at each other for secretly posting personal ads?

[Knitter image: The Unappreciated Knitter]

7 Quick Takes: The Anti-Plaid Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:44:00 +0000

--- 1 ---

Working on the fifth Lopi tote, folks - I'm getting there. I think I'll get everything done, so long as I knit constantly between now and December 18th.

--- 2 ---

Theo is home. I keep forgetting he is here and I get startled each time he walks into a room.

--- 3 ---

Does that only happen to me?

--- 4 ---

Larry, David, and Brian are all going on the Winter Survival camp out for Boy Scouts this weekend. Sounds like...um...fun. Really. Guess I'll just have to hold down the (comfortably warm) fort here at home. I'm okay with that.

--- 5 ---

Oh, yes, Larry and I had a little disagreement this week. Something to do with a shirt that had gone missing...

Larry: Hey, have you seen my shirt?

Me: Shirt? What shirt?

Larry: The one hanging on the back of the bathroom door - I was going to wear it to church.

Me: Oh, the one that didn't match the khaki pants you're wearing? The ugly plaid one with the blue background and yellow stripes?

Larry: Yeah, the new plaid one from LLBean. I like it. Where is it?

Me: I don't know.

He's cute when he looks confused like that.

--- 6 ---

I'll look like this, only without those lips

I swear, I don't interfere with Larry's wardrobe much. But I can't look at him in Scotch plaid flannel. I just can't. Scotch plaid looks okay on a burly type of guy. On skinny guys, though? Plaid looks dorky, no matter how attractive the skinny guy is. Plus, his dad (a very nice man, may he rest in peace) wore plaid. With suspenders. If Larry insists on wearing that shirt, I'm going to dye my hair orange-ish red, just like my mom and all her friends did in their late 60's and 70's.

"What's with the orange hair?" Larry would ask me. "Is it an old Jewish lady thing?"

I don't know, Larry. But what's with the damn plaid? Is it an old New England guy sort of thing? IS IT?

--- 7 ---

Jennifer is way too busy to confiscate her husband's plaid shirt. For more Quick Takes, visit her at Conversion Diary!

[Woman knitting image: AVBBF]
[Orange hair image: Your-Hairstyle]

Letter to NPR

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:18:00 +0000

Dear NPR,

Thank you so much for your informative piece on a scientific study of temper tantrums. It fascinated me to learn (after 20 years of parenting) that children have tantrums because they are angry and unhappy. What's more, your piece informed me that you can't reason with a child having a tantrum. Imagine that! You could have knocked me over with a feather on that one. I am glad to see that our research dollars are being well-spent on studies such as these rather than wasted on searching for silly cures for cancer.

I am hoping you will air more studies of equal value to your listeners. Might I suggest a few titles for future scientific research segments?

Teenage Years: Not the Age of Reason

Money, in Fact, Does NOT Grow on Trees

Women Prefer To Hear That They Do Not Look Fat

Thank you again for your commitment to bringing cutting-edge science to the masses.

Fondly,

Faithful Listener

7 Quick Takes: Christmas Crafting Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 04:41:00 +0000

--- 1 ---

I've still got mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving in my refrigerator. I just wanted to put that out there. You're welcome.

--- 2 ---

I'm knitting my fourth Lopi tote. No pictures, because I haven't felted any of them yet. I figured I would save time by doing them all at once. It may have been wiser to felt the first one right away, to make sure I liked the way they come out. But I cannot even consider the possibility that they might all look horrible. I have no other Christmas gifts planned, aside from some cookies or fudge.

Christmas Crafting without a net - that's what I"m doing...

--- 3 ---

Larry went away on yet another management retreat. He says they are "team building." Is that what Herman Cain said to his wife?

--- 4 ---

Poor Larry - the last thing he would do is philander, if only for the practical reason that he doesn't have the time. Whenever he hears of an acquaintance or work colleague having an affair, he shakes his head and mutters something about logistics. We do keep him busy around here.

--- 5 ---

Fare thee well, oh cheesy goodness!

Theo is coming home Tuesday night (oh, glory, hallelujah!); as per usual, David has been frantically cooking anything he can think of that involves cheese before we have to clean the dairy items out of the refrigerator. Pizza last night (and leftovers at lunch today), lasagna tonight...I'm feeling a tad ill. David, being our sole vegetarian, feels the loss of dairy in our diet much more keenly than the rest of us do. I expect to see him standing by the side of the road in another few weeks holding a sign saying "Will Work For Cheese."

--- 6 ---

But I'll be happy, so long as I can convince Theo to prepare us his Chinese stir-fry and his Christmas lemon bars. It's the least he can do for his doting (and tired) mother, right? Think he'd like a Lopi tote for Christmas?

--- 7 ---

If you'd rather read some Quick Takes that don't involve handmade gifts, visit Jennifer at Conversion Diary!

[Mug image: Zazzle]
[Lasagna image: thepassionatecook]

Of Nooks And Books (And Turkey)

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 21:59:00 +0000

Not as intuitive as it looks...

I don't know how you folks spent your holiday weekend; but I spent mine attempting to teach my father how to use a Nook e-reader. I swear, I have never seen anyone have so much trouble with a touchscreen device. Steve Jobs was turning over in his grave, I am sure.

Oh, and yes, there was the turkey thing, complete with stuffing and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce that mysteriously refused to gel for the first time ever. And there was Anna being annoyed because she had to give her room to Grandpa for 4 nights. It's not as if we had her sleeping on the couch, either. She took Susie's bed (which has a better mattress than mine); and Susie stayed in our bed (because that is where she ends up every night anyway).

Yes, I do know Susie is 6. Six and a half, actually - but we are lousy parents. I can only assume she'll be in our room until she graduates high school. And I don't even care anymore.

Maybe I'll write a book - How To NOT Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. Not catchy enough? Then how about Sleep Schmeep - Forget About It Already!

All you imaginary book agents who didn't bother to contact me about my How To Talk So Kids Will Shut Up, I'm giving you another chance to email me. We've got a winner here.

[Nook image: CNET]
[Book image: Mad Professor]

Happy Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 14:12:00 +0000

Watching this video has become a Thanksgiving tradition in these parts:

I'm not sure I'll survive, however. It's only 9 AM and we've already experienced both a cranberry sauce emergency and a potato-peeling injury. Who knew holidays could be so fraught with danger?

Belated Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 22:39:00 +0000

Thanksgiving is upon us, and I am elbow-deep in dry bread cubes, cranberry loaves, and all the other major characters of this particular holiday. This is our first Thanksgiving without Theo, and I'm just now realizing that I will have to cook the gravy and mash the potatoes myself. If I had thought of that sooner, I would have paid for the darn plane ticket, you know?

Theo, in the meantime, will be a guest at one of his fellow cadets' homes for the holiday weekend. This situation has precipitated a cascade of worries on my part. And, of course, numerous texts to my hapless son:

Remember, you're in the South. They EXPECT you to say "ma'am" and "sir."

On the drive down, pick up some flowers for his mom.

Offer to help in the kitchen!

How did my eldest reach the age of 20 not having ever been a house guest? You'd think we would have covered this ground before.

[Miss Manners image: Confessions of a Crafty Housewife]

If The Shoe Fits...

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 04:07:00 +0000

3 boys, 3 girls - our household is like a laboratory for an investigation into the personality differences (or lack thereof) between male and female. And up until today, I would have sworn (after 2 decades of careful study) that one HUGE difference is that boys, unlike the fairer sex, have a built-in aversion to trying on clothes. Actually, just standing in a clothing store is often enough to give them hives. Both Theo and David, for example, when dragged to the shoe store will stand there and say, "Okay, that looks good."

"But you haven't tried it on!"

"I know my size. It'll fit. Let's go."

Today, however, I had to take Brian to Payless for some form of hiking boot. So! He cheerfully tried on 2 different hiking boots, 2 sizes each, and proclaimed all of them too "high." Exasperated, I told him he would just have to wear his sneakers on this weekend's Boy Scout hike. At which point I noticed said sneakers were falling apart. So then (again cheerfully) he tried on 3 different pairs of sneakers, 2 sizes each, and determined that the heels were all too "slippy."

As he struggled with the last pair of laces (about 45 minutes in), I began to lose it. "What are you doing? Can't you even tie your own shoes? For heaven's sake, people are going to think you're homeschooled or something!"

Brian giggled and chanted, "I'm homeschooled, I'm homeschooled!" as he continued to fuss with his 2 bunny ears. He has an awesome sense of humor, people. Just awesome. But that doesn't change the fact that he trashed the results of my 20 years of painstaking research into gender differences. My other boys don't giggle in shoe stores.

Bunko and Spanx - Great Combo!

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 03:24:00 +0000

I spent yesterday ignoring my kids while making my home presentable for Bunko. I spent today eating all the leftover candies from the dice tables while nursing a housecleaning hangover. I've been feeding my children "Bunko food" for 2 days. I cannot understand why I am allowed to be in charge of other human beings. It makes no sense.

I'm finding, lately, that my jeans are way more comfortable unbuttoned. I believe that is a bad sign. But at least I'm not trying to wear Spanx. Really, if you think you have ever been embarrassed in your life, watch this video. You'll feel much better about yourself.

That is all. Nothing else to see here but a middle-aged housewife finishing up the almond Hershey kisses. Move right along...

[Bunko image: Cheyenne Crossing HOA]

Catching Up

noreply@blogger.com (Suburban Correspondent) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 03:32:00 +0000

Let's catch up, shall we? Just pour yourself a cup of tea and have a seat...

I gave up on trying to make the beloved flowered slipcover whiter and put it back on the chair. It's not as yellow as it was, anyway; so that's progress. And today I picked up some OxiClean at the commissary, so maybe I'll try that out when I have some time. After New Year's, say...

Theo turned 20 this past week. Meaning, I've been a mother for 2 decades, a fact which strikes me as sort of awesome. Of course, that also means I'm 20 years older than when I started this parenting gig, a fact which is not quite as awesome.

Just the right amount of chewy...

The Halloween candy obsession has continued apace. I thought I had gotten rid of most of it when I sent it to the office with Larry, but I keep stumbling over little caches of it EVERYWHERE. I just found some more peanut M&M's in my purse. So I ate them, just to make them go away.

Swedish fish are pretty good. I'd forgotten.

I'm hosting Bunko Monday evening, and the house is a mess. The next 2 days are going to be one long cleaning marathon. I think I need more candy just to keep up my strength.

I have to finish a pair of socks and knit 4 more felted Lopi totes. Which means that I felt it that last night was the perfect time to start a hat for Susie. Knitting can mess with the time-space continuum (or, at least, my perception of it) in a very big way.

[Oxiclean image: Busy Mom Blog]
[Swedish fish image: The Chocolate Review]