The Morningstarr*

Community service for man who sewed his son’s bumhole shut

Earl Morningstarr — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:09:57 +0000

An Illinois father has been handed 2 years on probation and 250 hours community service after owning up to sewing his son’s buttocks together with a needle and thread in 2008. 52-year-old Randy Swopes’ teenage son suffers from Crohn’s disease which is a debilitating inflammatory bowel condition. Due to the son’s condition he developed an [...]

Italian dies after jealous wife stabs him in the penis

Earl Morningstarr — Mon, 14 May 2012 16:44:48 +0000

A 61-year-old Italian Lothario died earlier today after his jealous German wife carried out a frenzied knife attack on his crown jewels and balls. The 57-year-old wife has been arrested by cops in the Italian town of Livorno today, she confessed to stabbing her husband repeatedly in the penis organ with a kitchen knife late [...]

Eating yoghurt may be the key to large hairy and healthy testicle balls

Earl Morningstarr — Sun, 13 May 2012 15:10:28 +0000

Clever-clog boffins in the United States of America have discovered almost by chance that mice fed plenty of yoghurt have larger testicle knackers and their reproductive mucus is more potent. Rodent bothering scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology carried out tests on a group of 80 mice each half made up exactly of males [...]

God Save the Queen — Mr. Methane comes up trumps with his special Diamond Jubilee gift to the nation

Peter Jolly — Wed, 09 May 2012 17:16:54 +0000

A true patriot and believer in his country Mr. Methane is hoping to catch the British Nation’s nostalgic mood in its Diamond Jubilee year with his own very unique rendition of “God Save the Queen” on the bottom bugle. “I’ve spent most of my life looking back so I think I know a thing or [...]

Albino killings continue in Burundi

Earl Morningstarr — Wed, 09 May 2012 16:47:50 +0000

A 15-year-old albino girl was taken from her home and brutally dismembered this weekend. A gang of seven men armed with spears, guns and machetes forced their way into the girl’s home near the Burundi capital of Bujumbura on Saturday evening and kidnapped her, local officials report. The girl’s remains were discovered later, the kidnappers [...]

The world’s fastest toilet

Earl Morningstarr — Thu, 03 May 2012 17:45:48 +0000

A Canadian stuntwoman in Australia has set one of the greatest land-speed records of all time, the world’s fastest toilet. Jolene Van Vugt managed to hit 75km/h (46mph) on a four-wheel motorised potty during speed trials at Sydney’s Olympic Park this week. “I flew into Australia yesterday and came out here to jump straight on [...]

Crazy Legs retains corn eating title

Earl Morningstarr — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 17:55:13 +0000

Jason ‘Crazy Legs’ Conti held onto his title yesterday at the National Sweet Corn Eating Championship held at West Palm Beach, Florida. There was stiff competition at yesterday’s event, fresh from appearing at the chicken-wing eating qualifiers in Texas were Bob Shoudt and Erik Denmark, also competing was world’s number one female gurgitator Sonya ‘the [...]

Old woman wins back paragliding world record

Edgar Allan McAbe — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:10:15 +0000

Last month we reported how 101-year-old American Mary Hardison set the world record for the oldest woman to para-glide in tandem, beating a previous record set by Scottish biddy Peggy McAlpine who was 100-years-old when she got in the record books. Well, old Peggy must have been right razzed-off and annoyed about losing her prestigious [...]

Hooters World Wing-Eating Championships

Earl Morningstarr — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:39:19 +0000

Yesterday saw the Texan leg of the Hooters World Wing-Eating Championships qualifying rounds held in Mesquite as part of the Real Texas Festival. It was Bob Shoudt, ranked number five in the IFOCE competitive eater rankings who took first place at yesterday’s event, gobbling 120 wings in just 10 minutes he took first prize of [...]

Giant’s underpants sell for 550 nicker

Edgar Allan McAbe — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 22:33:54 +0000

A giant’s underpants went on sale this week and sold for £550 at auction. The undercrackers in question once belonged to one of England’s tallest men, Frederick Kempster. Kempster lived around 100 years ago and was reported to be 8ft 4.5in tall when he died from pneumonia in 1918 aged just 29-years-old. The celebrated giant [...]

Kelly Brook has the best legs in Britain

Peter Jolly — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 18:41:42 +0000

A poll of British women by a leading lady-shaving company has determined that sexy hot-stuff Kelly Brook has the bestest pair of legs in Britain. 20% of all the women asked said that they thought 32-year-old Kelly’s legs were the best celebrity pins on display these days. Second place, with 16% of the vote was [...]

Fringe coming to an end

Peter Jolly — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 16:04:04 +0000

It’s good news and bad news for Fringe fans. The good news is that against the odds Fringe has been renewed for a fifth season, the bad news is it will only be 13 episodes long, and it will be the last one ever. The show’s producers have successfully managed to convince Fox to allow [...]

Vietnamese ‘vampire’ girl

Earl Morningstarr — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 14:49:55 +0000

A five-year-old girl from Hanoi, Vietnam has been diagnosed with a rare ‘vampire syndrome’ disease. Doctors from the Vietnam Dermatology Association have diagnosed the young child with porphyria, also known as ‘vampire syndrome’. The disease has strong connotations with the legends of vampires and werewolves, the little girl is ultra sensitive to direct sunlight, and [...]

New fire walking world record set in New Zealand

Earl Morningstarr — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 14:07:33 +0000

Scouts in Eastbourne, New Zealand today organised a world record breaking event walking on glowing hot coals. Volunteers marching over the hot coals smashed the previous record of 350 fire-walkers, the numbers have not yet been officially verified by Guinness World of Records but unofficially the record is reported to have been more than doubled. [...]

Three-armed baby

Earl Morningstarr — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 18:41:55 +0000

A three-armed baby girl was born in Pakistan this week. The father of the baby, Waqar Ahmed, took the child into hospital on Wednesday seeking advice from doctors. The child’s condition is known as ‘Polymelia’ which simply means ‘many limbs’. The condition is often the result of a conjoined twin that fails to fully develop [...]

Holly Willoughby wears an ‘earthquake-proof bra’

Peter Jolly — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:45:58 +0000

Sturdy-knockered TV presenter Holly Willoughby has been gabbing on about her award -winning ninny-jugs again in today’s papers. The 31-year-old Celebrity Juice presenter is quoted in today’s Mirror saying her most embarrassing TV moment isn’t sitting next to Phillip Schofield when he’s getting excited, it was when her super-fine titties sprung out of her frock [...]

Bongo star encourages breast exams

Peter Jolly — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:19:32 +0000

‘XXX’ porno performer Bree Olson, known for such hits as ‘Breast in Class‘ and a ‘Scooby Doo‘ XXX porn parody has been on the streets of New York this week promoting breast examinations. Big-breasts Bree has been seen out and about in a pink van branded the ‘Save Our Boobs Bus’ which is sponsored by [...]

Lady Gaga will play an alien in MiB III

Peter Jolly — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 18:37:38 +0000

Oddball pop-star Lady Gaga will cameo in the forthcoming Men in Black III as an extraterrestrial alien. Star of the film William Smith already ruined the surprise by blurting it out to a Brazilian website months ago the blabber-mouthed buffoon, but the story hasn’t been officially confirmed until today. “We have a couple of celebrity [...]

Cunningham confirmed for ‘Merlin’

Peter Jolly — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 16:08:34 +0000

Irish actor Liam Cunningham has been confirmed as a guest star in the next season of the BBC’s Merlin. Cunningham is currently starring in HBO’s Game of Thrones as Davos Seaworth, and he’s no stranger to Arthurian legend as he has also guest starred in the ill-fated Camelot alongside Joseph Fiennes and Eva Green. Last [...]

Devon farmer finds faeces covered beaver

Edgar Allan McAbe — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 16:59:29 +0000

A rare sight in Devon — a beaver covered in poo. A farmer from Roborough, near Plymouth, discovered a fully grown and foul-tempered beaver splashing about in a dung-filled slurry tank on his farm this week. The beaver, native to North America, was taken to Dartmoor Zoo where keepers are a little apprehensive about cleaning [...]