The Musician's Widow

Moved!

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:22:00 +0000

You can now find me at: http://denise.mattox-live.com/blog

In memory

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 09 May 2009 07:34:00 +0000

Follow-up to my previous blog entry on May 1:

The memorial for Brian Steele this week was nothing short of amazing. The sheer number of people who came together in his memory was moving, and to see it come together so well gave me this unexplainable JOY.

THIS is what a memorial should be like... celebrating a life and the connections a person brought together, even as we remain saddened that the person is gone from our life.

It got me thinking and wondering: if something happened to me, how would I be remembered? As I take stock of another person's life -- a person who so clearly touched so many people in such a positive way -- it makes me want to be better myself. To reach out more to others. To make people smile and laugh.

And when it's my time to go, I want the people who knew me to throw down like we did for Brian. Dance the night away. Shots all around (be it of alcohol or water!). Laughter right along with tears.

I've heard it so often that a funeral should be more a celebration of a life lived than a lamenting a life lost. The memorial this week was exactly that. I liked that... a lot. Celebrate the life that was lived, even as you mourn in your heart.

A ripple of grief

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Fri, 01 May 2009 08:06:00 +0000

Something I love about Nashville: the music community is SUCH "a small town." Instead of six degrees of separation, if you have any connection to the community you are at most three degrees separation from any given person. It's why I can go into any live music venue and find someone who knows someone I know, and within that fact I feel perfectly comfortable.

It is also within that fact, that the loss of a musician is felt in this ripple effect, as word gets out about the loss.

On Monday, the Nashville music community lost a member who touched a lot of lives. Brian Steele will forever be remember to me as the guy with the smile that never ended. The room lit up when he walked in, usually because of his bright smile that went from ear to ear. I never got to know him even half as well as many others did, but he always went out of his way to speak to me and give me a hug. Something I always appreciated but perhaps took for granted.

One night not that long ago, I was wearing a Jagermeister t-shirt that my husband bought for me at a benefit for Brian after a motorcycle accident in September of last year. Brian was wearing a matching shirt and made sure to come over and point it out to me. We had a great laugh over that... I think when we have his memorial, I'll have to wear that shirt to it. I think Brian would like that, and probably get yet another laugh about it.

Everyone I know that had the opportunity to play with him refers to him as one of the best drummers they ever had a chance to work with. And his love for motorcycles was undeniable. Its why many take comfort knowing he died doing one of his loves on his way to his other love.

I've been amazed to witness the way the music community has come together to remember Brian. Tuesday night, at the Fiddle & Steel, I found myself witnessing quite the gathering of musicians and those connected in the community. People I usually only see down on Broadway appeared. People I've not seen in months. It was like the whole family showed up. Everyone banned together to support each other and to remember.

The music community is a small town. A family. The grief over this loss is like a heavy veil that is hanging over everyone. Every night when we all part ways, there's a sincere, "Be careful going home," offered.

We're all taking stock of our family and friends; counting our blessings. Hugs are not being taken for grated. And even strangers -- tourists to our city -- are holding out a hand asking if there is anything they can do. This city. This community. It amazes me regularly with how large everyone's hearts are.

I like to think, that Brian is looking down on all of us with his drumsticks in hand, ordering everyone a round of Crown. Here's to Brian... A kind soul who made a bigger impact on this community than he probably ever knew.

Softly Call The Muster...

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 21:51:00 +0000

April 21st. Just another day to most people. San Jacinto Day in Texas. Aggie Muster Day to Aggies.

Aggie Muster Day. It stills me. It humbles me. It overwhelms me.

For my non-Aggie readers, Muster is -- basically -- a memorial service for all the Aggies who have passed away in the last year. (The Muster Tradition on the Association website.) The March 1923 Texas Aggie urged, “If there is an A&M man in one hundred miles of you, you are expected to get together, eat a little, and live over the days you spent at the A&M College of Texas.”

Muster is held in over 300 locations around the world on April 21st every year. It is held in small towns, big cities, foxholes, ships, war torn countries, restaurants and in private residences around a dinner table. It is a time where all Aggies gather together, and have their Aggie Spirit rekindled and they pay homage to those who have passed on ahead of us.

My first Aggie Muster was in 2002 on campus. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote that night afterwards:

The class of 1952 was present for the 50th class reunion. The rememberance of their time on campus, and what they've done since their graduation... my heart filled with a pride and awe that... I had tears in my eyes throughout it all. So much and so many to honor...

...so much to live up to...

They were given one helluva standing ovation.

Further on...

Then, he turned to the present students... "the keepers of the spirit"... by this time, after hearing all the great things graduates of the schol have done, I myself began to doubt, for the first time ever, if I, myself, am good enough... if I am right... to attend this school. How can I live up to these standards? How can I truly think myself worthy? He addressed that head on, as if he knew those thoughts were running through students heads. And he issued these three questions, and if you could answer yes to them, then you belong at where you are:

"When Silver Taps is played, does it still bring chills? At the beginning of the fourth quarter at football games when 80,000 join in the Fight Song, do your eyes still mist over? When you think of that tragic November when Bonfire fell, does your heart still ache?"

I had tears rolling as I answered a proud "YES" to every question.

Even this year, seven years after that night, when I attended Muster in Franklin, TN for my third Muster in Middle Tennessee, I was moved to tears.

The Muster chair said at one point, "I hope you all leave with a revived hope that knowing as an Aggie, you will never be forgotten."

THAT statement made in 2002 is what really gets to me about Muster. You will never be forgotten. When my time in this world is over, my name will be on the roll call and fellow Aggies will answer "Here" for me.

I was chairperson for this year's Muster in Middle Tennessee. It was a LOT of work!! But it was truly a labor of love. Even as I grumbled at times that I'd not be doing it again, deep down I knew/know I'd be honored to take on the task again.

I wasn't very active as a student at A&M, really. I worked for The Battalion in the AggieLife section, but even my work done there was not what it should have been. I lived in Cameron with my parents and drove two hours round-trip every day to class. I didn't mind the drive at all -- I enjoyed it really -- but it didn't leave much room to be active in organization and clubs. And to be honest, I was at a point in my life that I wasn't that interested in being active. I had a wicked shy streak going on, and getting past it was something I was not "willing" to do. I kept my head down and did what I had to do, but I never really put myself out there.

Today, I have a new attitude and outlook on life and myself. And within that, I have this stronger interest in being active with my Texas A&M Club. I want to meet more Aggies! I want to know all of them here! I want to be right there in the thick of it all. I want to truly earn and portray my status as an Aggie.

And without a single doubt or hesitation, I know that the Aggie Muster tradition is my all-time favorite of the many traditions my school has. I am passionate about it. It encompasses EVERYTHING I feel an Aggie to be. Honor and respect of others. Love of university. The unity and family that only Aggies can understand.

We had a Longhorn in attendance at our Muster this year. He himself was moved by the tradition and even shhh'd a waitress during Silver Taps... which he too stood for in honor of our fallen Aggies. We had a former Baylor Bear, who is now going on to grad school at A&M, in attendance for his first Muster. We had spouses of Aggies. We had the children of Aggies. We had new grads, and old Ags. We all stood together that night in this unspoken comeraderie. And we'll join back again on April 21, 2010.

I, for one, can't wait.

A positive reason to Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 05:52:00 +0000

It's been all over the news the last few months. Twitter. That social networking site that asks, "What are you doing?" And like every "new big thing" it has its fans, it has its haters, and it has its lukewarm participants.

I, personally, land in that first group. Twitter has become my new one-stop-shop online. It lets me get the news, check in on friends, share pictures, have a laugh, etc.

However, it does have its "haters." I can understand this group. Twitter does come across as one huge narcissistic tool for users. Who really cares what you made for dinner, what color your underwear is, and/or if your cat just hacked up a hairball? Beyond on that, is it really safe to tell the world where you are at any given time?

Posting your location at any given moment, gives an unheeded vulnerability to your life and your safety. This is a stalker's DREAM, and even a house burglar's. I admit myself of being guilty of exposing myself with too many details on my location at a given moment. Its all too easy to do, and you get caught up in the moment, never thinking about the potential consequences.

Some question if Twitter is the death of the true blogging or journaling. In this world of faster is better, are we sacrificing well thought-out writings to made a point quickly in 140-characters? Possibly! I admit that that is very possible.

However, despite the misgivings of Twitter, I am a solid fan of the site and the "product" it provides its users. I can receive the latest news in world news, local news, entertainment and financial. They are delivered to me, by my choice, to my Twitter page, or whatever program I'm using (TweetDeck or Twhirl are my favorites). I can access it by cell phone, update it via text message, and even choose "Twitter feeds" that I have delivered to my phone via text message! (A favorite is Nashville Traffic updates.)

Herein lies my strongest vote for Twitter. The instant news updates.

Last week, middle Tennessee became the target of an EF-4 tornado. A tornado that came within about 10 miles of my house. My absolute best updates on the storms came from Twitter. People who live near me were posting updates. The local news media posted updates. All of these were available at the tips of my fingers with the simple click of "Refresh." Within hours, I knew people were safe. My home was safe. And I "met" people online who knew those who weren't as lucky as I was.

In those stressful hours, I came to realize what an invaluable tool Twitter can be. It could be considered our modern day Ham Radio and/or telegraph.

Twitter is serious in serious times. When times are good, its a fun discussion among like-minded people (some have come to call their followers their "Tweeples") that, yes, consists of what they had for supper, what they think about the latest infomercial or the fact that their cat hacked up a hairball. Witty banter, mundane day events, and hard news exist side-by-side in the Twitter universe.

As with any social networking site, post your thoughts carefully. Choose your follows even more carefully. Make friends... make enemies. Spread the news. Learn the news. Realize that jobs can be made and lost based on your Twitter posts. Realize its the Internet, and much like life... once you say it, you can't take it back.

The things on my plate

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 05:42:00 +0000

When I was in high school and college, I used to joke that I was "a tax season orphan." Today, my husband could rightfully call himself "a tax season widower."

My parents have owned their own bookkeeping and tax preparation business for over 20 years. It's perhaps pretty obvious and natural that I'd work for them through the years, and despite the fact that I majored in Journalism (and my passion lies in the arts) I continue to work the family business. And I truly do enjoy the work I do for them. It can really be a lot of fun!

The last few years, my work time has been focused on that final push of the season. The time when we have people in and out of the office constantly, and the time when the most returns are being completed a day. This year, I've alternated three weeks in Texas, one/two weeks in Nashville, then back to Texas another three weeks. I arrived back this last weekend to finish out the season.

Meanwhile, I am actively planning Muster for the Middle-Tennessee A&M Club. Everything, so far, seems to be falling into place beautifully. Which, I admit, makes me a little nervous. When it all falls together this well, I don't feel as prepared for any "disasters" that could occur the day-of the event. Then again, I feel like I'm getting really good at planning things, so maybe its falling together just because its becoming old-hat to me? Who knows. Nonetheless, I am VERY excited for it all. I so love the tradition of Muster. It is without a doubt my favorite tradition of them all.

Easter is approaching!! I'm excited Craig will be down to spend it with us. THAT will make the day complete. Counting down for it, for sure.

The warmer temperatures of Spring are already making me itch for Summer. Actually, I wouldn't mind skipping Spring just to avoid the tornado outbreaks that have already begun. I may have grown up dealing with them, but I will never be used to it. How can you be? They're terrifying, how random they are.

But as I said, summer is approaching and that means... Craig will be on road a majority of the time. I get home in time for him to head out for work. That's just the way it lands... bummer! We'll make the most of our time as we have it, of course. We always say that we appreciate our time together more due to all the time apart, and we most definitely do. We don't LIKE being apart as much as we are, but we make it work. It's just the way our life rolls.

And honestly... I love my life. More than I can say.

Hope, fear, worry, and faith

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 06:46:00 +0000

I last wrote in this blog right after the inauguration, when the country's optimism was high and hope was the feeling in the air. I still stand by my belief that optimism and hope are something we needed and still need. However, with unemployment rates at 1983 levels and home foreclosures happening just down the street on almost every street in America, optimism is hard to find again, and hope seems like a childish feeling in the face of the economy's harsh reality.

I've not written in here in awhile because I've been "on the road for work" myself. I've been in Texas working with my parents through tax season. I'm grateful for the work, and I honestly enjoy it! It's at times like this that I wish more than ever I could move Arkansas and Louisiana and bring Texas and Tennessee a lot closer together!!

Working with people's taxes, I'm amazed how the economy's downward spiral is a lot like a tornado. Hitting this house and that house, but not touching this other one over here. For every few people that are struggling -- praying for a large refund to get through for awhile longer -- there's that random person who is thriving. Their company is growing or they've just been able to more effectively manage their money. That random person who is proud of their success, but sometimes I get a sense that there's this underlying feeling of guilt to be thriving as others struggle.

Personally, I see those people who are thriving as those beacons of hope that we all still need. Hope is not childish or naive. Faith is not a lack of realism. Fear is to be expected. Worry runs rampant today. But I, personally, choose to use all of them together. Worry and fear to feed my desire to keep fighting. Hope and faith give me the determination and ability to win.

38 more days until April 15, 2009

What the world has needed: Optimism

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:16:00 +0000

Over the last few years, I've thought of a lot of things that I felt the collective population of this world has needed; logic, respect, tolerance, faith, and accountability being a few of those. But I never thought of optimism.

Today, our 44th President was sworn into office. A vast majority of the whole world rejoiced, and I scratched my head at that. The whole world? Really? But I also have found myself caught up in this feeling of optimism, of hope, that President Obama seems to bring to the world's stage.

No, it won't be easy by a long shot, fixing all the problems of our country and by extension, the world. I do not envy him his job. Not even a little bit. We've lived in a horribly pessimistic world for a long time, and its hard to let go of that completely. Turn on the news and hear about what all is wrong. (Today alone, the stock market continued to flounder.) The world is not going to change tomorrow. He has a very long and a very hard road ahead of him. He has opposition from places unseen as of now, and he'll age dramatically during his term with the weight of the world o his shoulders... just as every other President before him has.

But for right now, there is suddenly this feeling of optimism. This feeling that we CAN get things right for a change. And I think with that umbrella of optimism, all those other things I have thought we needed will fall into place.

As soon as you start to say, "I CAN do this," suddenly things do start to fall into place. This need for optimism and confidence is echoed in the many self help books that can be found in almost every home. How can I help myself be more confident?

By believing in yourself and in your future. By saying "I can"versus, "Well everyone is against me and this is why." This country -- this world -- has lived under the pressure of what we can't do for a long time. Every day a new law is made telling us what we CAN'T do. And we're always ready to blame someone else when something goes wrong.

Today, though, the tune changed. Today we said we will do this. We can do that. We are a strong people in a strong country. We need to take control and move forward with heads held high. And while I am still apprehensive to say, "Oh everything is fixed now." and while I still have my strong fears (for things usually have to get worse before they get better), I feel this bubbling hope deep in my heart and gut. It makes me feel lighter. It gives me this new optimism that we're going to be okay. We just have to believe.

Taking time to look back

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:14:00 +0000

I just finished reading the book Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella, in which the lead character loses three years worth of memories in an auto accident. Set in 2007, Lexi only can remember her life up through 2004, and she is left to struggle to fit into her own life which has changed dramatically in those three years that she can't remember.

As I read -- no, devoured would be more precise -- the book, I couldn't help but muse over how much my own life has changed in the last three, five, even ten, years. Not just how my life has changed, but how much I've changed on the inside.

Over the last few years, I've come out of my shell dramatically. When I take a personality test, I now straddle introvert and extrovert, whereas even just three years ago I still was firmly an introvert. Even as I thought I'd live in Nashville some day, I never expected it to so dramatically become HOME for me. I have made countless connections with people here and across the country whom I can't imagine not knowing today. Every connection, every challenge, every change has helped to shape the person I am today.

Today is my second wedding anniversary, and its so true when I say that I love my husband more today than I did when we said our vows on that warm January day in 2007. To be honest, I think there was a time I didn't think I'd ever marry... much less discover someone who is so completely my other half and without a doubt my soul mate.

It's been over five years since I graduated from college, and its been almost ten since I graduated from high school. Oh my how different I am since high school!! Honestly, I'm not sure I'd recognize who I am if my high school self met my married-living-in-another-state-doing-odd-jobs self.

As Christmas cards arrived in the mail -- several from old friends that I've known for many, many years -- I looked at pictures or read notes, and I mused over how we've all taken our own paths in life. How this one has children. This one has gotten divorced. That one is on the fast track of their career. These are married and enjoying their life of marital bliss. And yet we all jumped off the spring board into life from the same place at the same point. While life has taken us different ways, in our hearts we will always be the dearest of friends.

There's no way to ever comprehend what it would be life to lose years of your life's memories, but it is possible to look back and see how each of us have changed. While some of those changes were wonderful and others hard to get through, they all shape us and take us to wherever we each are at any given time. I am grateful for everything that's taken me to where I am today. Because I'm happy. I have my challenges to deal with on any given day, but those challenges only show me that I am alive and living a life of my own. Living a life I never want to forget.

No price to the holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 08:09:00 +0000

Last Christmas, I made my husband a promise. We would go to Oregon to spend the Christmas holiday with his family. It was a promise I was determined to keep.

As Christmas drew nearer this year, and the economy started to slump, I grew more and more stressed about how we'd make it to Oregon. In the end, I have to admit. The promise was kept, and a credit card is getting horribly abused.

However, as I told Craig last night: time spent with family is priceless. You simply can't put a pricetag on this time spent. Flights. Rental car. Hotel. Christmas gifts. Gas. Food. In the end, its all just numbers on a piece of paper. Its the moments in time that you can never recreate that mean something.

Living in Tennessee, with my family in Texas and his in Oregon, we obviously are one of those families that have to struggle with, "Who do we go see this year?" We try to split it every other year, but sometimes life does change those plans. And even as I say, "its all just numbers on a piece of paper" I do admit that those numbers have dictated that we do see my side of the family more often that we see his side. ($200 round trip driving 13 hours to Texas is easier on the pocket book than $600 at best for 8 hours flight time to Oregon.) So, any time we spend in Oregon I take very seriously. I want to make sure we see everyone we can, but at the same time spend the most of our quality time with those closest to us.

Yes, here it is Christmas and I do indeed miss my family. But, I can call them any time and my Mom is GREAT about taking pictures and filling me in on the things I've missed by living (or just being) far away. A big part of my heart will be in Texas on Christmas Eve night when my family gathers for church and on Christmas Day when they open gifts.

However, even with that said, I couldn't be more happy or grateful to be right where I am with my husband and his family -- who have most definitely become my family as well.

So, come Christmas day, I know I will be surrounded by a lot of love, seasoned with good food, laughter, and I am sure many stories being shared by all.

For me, every Christmas is a day I wish I could just place in slow motion and make last. Hold the day close and savor every second. Because it's definitely not about the presents under the tree. It's about the feelings in your heart. It's about the intangible. The things you can't put a price tag on. The things that once they're gone, they only exist in pictures and in memory... never to be relived the same way again.

Merry Christmas to all... I hope and pray everyone finds themselves surrounded by love and laughter on this day. Whoever you may be. Whatever you may believe and celebrate. We all deserve and need this day every year to remember what truly matters most.

Each other.

** For more photos from my Christmas trip to Oregon, visit my Flickr site. **

Travel & Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 08:27:00 +0000

I took my first flight in 2004, and since that time I have racked up over 114 hours of flight time on 53 flights. Not many for some people (ie, my husband), but a lot more than others. I like to consider myself pretty much a pro at it at this point.

Security is a necessary evil, and I don't mind the hassle so much. The liquid rules have proven to be a frustration sometimes, and I always wear either flip flops or boots to fly due to the fact that you have to take your shoes off going through security. Books, gum and the ipod are blessings on a long flight. My poor laptop battery just won't hold enough of a charge to be much company, though.

However, I sincerely enjoy flying, and even though I do get this "what if" fear in the pit of my stomach just before I board, I know its a safer mode of transportation than driving. Besides, whether you fly at night or during the day -- the views are breathtaking!

I've discovered something on my last few trips that were strictly for "vacation." I've discovered that I understand my parents a lot more than I once did.

I remember as a child, any time we'd go on vacation, as soon as we got to our hotel room, I couldn't wait to go DO something. The worst torture was when we'd go to Dallas to go to Six Flags!!! Those roller coasters! They called out to me! And yet Mom and Dad wanted to stay at the room for awhile. I couldn't understand. I couldn't comprehend. Nap when so much fun awaited???

Now? I understand. I find myself thoroughly enjoying time spent in a hotel room with my husband. No cats begging for food. No laundry to do. No dishes to watch. I may bring some work along with me to do on the computer, but I can do it on my own time at my own pace. It's definitely a "getaway." Why rush off to do something that will be there later, when a nap beckons to me? It's the beauty of vacation. No rushing.

Right now, I write from beautiful Portland, Oregon. Snow and rain seem to be our weather companion this trip, causing some concern as to when we head over the mountain to the coast. However, it's also an absolutely gorgeous sight to this Texas-born Nashvillian. I'm excited to see friends and family, but I'm also enjoying the leisurely pace we have set for ourselves by planning a longer-than-usual stay. No cramming things into a few days. We have time for ourselves... time we can spend out sightseeing or snuggled down in our hotel room.

Yes, traveling can be very stressful and tiring. However, the end result -- the destination -- most often makes it all so worthwhile.

Winter Wonderland

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 03:25:00 +0000

Snow has hit the Nashville area just in time for Christmas. I know it'll never hang around long, but it was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever witnessed in all of my 28 years of life.

Blog
I've neglected this blog for a long time, simply because I feel I've narrowed my field of vision too much. I find myself feeling the need to be cryptic and vague since it is a public account of things in my life and in my husband's career. Basically, it was a good idea in theory but not in practice. That happens and it was fun to try.

I will be turning this blog in my new column venue. When I worked at the newspaper, I did a weekly column that I enjoyed. It challenged me to come up with a new topic every week. It challenged me to be open and more opinionated, while at all times keeping in mind my readers. I miss it, to be honest, and it is time I went back to it.

My goal will be to write atleast once a week (when life allows!), and to hit on a spectrum of topics as they cross the path of my life. I'm, frankly, excited!! Hopefully, along the way I'll pick up some readers. And even if I don't, it'll be great practice for me in my writing, which is ALWAYS a positive thing.

Back in the swing of things

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 03:08:00 +0000

*I posted this into my private journal late last night, and I have decided to copy/paste it into this blog as well.*

I can hear the cars on the interstate extra well tonight. My cat curled beside me is an extra comfort as well.

See, my husband left out on the road tonight... he's been off the road for a month now, and I got very used to having him home every night. I loved spending every day with him, and every night curled up beside him. Now, even with the TV on, the house is all too quiet. Every bump and creak makes me jump a mile. How quickly I grow "out of practice" with this.

However, I will make the most of this time as I always do. My house will get cleaned extra well. I might even get the office organized a bit. I also have plenty of work to do otherwise! I am not at all lacking stuff to keep me busy!

Sleep, though, never comes easy when he's away. At least not until the sun rises, and I start to hear the neighbors moving around. I think its a feeling of vulnerability that keeps me awake. It's that fear of "something" happening in the dead of night. Not that something couldn't happen in the daylight, but I do take comfort in the sun rays. As if they are my guards while I slumber.

So until the sky starts to become light, I keep myself busy with mind numbing computer games and with the local morning news. Tomorrow night will be easier, and the night after that, too. It's simply a matter of getting back into the routine of things. It's a routine I welcome... even as it ushers in an element of insomnia.

It's my birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 10:42:00 +0000

I'm 28-years-old today. Not really one of those "milestone" birthdays, but I happen to think every birthday is special. It's not a date to dread or to avoid. It's a date to celebrate a life, and a date to look forward to the next year.

This birthday, I hit it super lucky. I'm getting to spend my birthday with my family. It so happened that it worked out for my husband and me to take a few days and visit my family for both birthdays and holidays in one fell swoop. I just happened to be lucky enough to be with my family ON my birthday!

Most notable for me, though, is the fact that for the first time ever, I'm spending my birthday with my husband. Every year prior to this he's been on the road for my birthday. It's the way of the road. Things don't stop for birthdays or anniversaries. However, that just makes the birthdays, etc. that you get to spend together all the more fun and special. And that is this year... He's with me on my day. And that alone is present in itself.

Short and simple

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 08:48:00 +0000

I went to a party tonight, held at the house of someone in the music industry. It was REALLY nice to be surrounded by people who didn't look at me weird when they asked where my husband was, and I responded, "Switzerland!" I mean, surprise, yes. Weird, no.
At said party, I met people that I probably should have met a long time ago due to mutual friends in common. I am constantly struck by how incredibly small the music community really is. It's exactly what makes Nashville feel like a small town.
Ok, I can't begin to say how giddy I am that my husband will be home soon. I absolutely can't wait!

Blog musings, 9/11, Ike and Switzerland

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 08:30:00 +0000

I'd really like to give this blog a lot more attention. The problem is that my whole original angle is far too narrow. So I think I'm going to continue to open up topics and just see where it goes. Sometimes its best to let something grow on its own and not fight it.

As I write this, I am watching a History Channel show about 9/11. Seven years later I still feel emotions welling up inside of me. How much this country and world have changed in the last seven years since these events. And on such a smaller scale, how much my own life has changed since then.

Since then, we've had/have war in response to 9/11 and circumstances surrounding it. We had Hurricane Katrina, which brought about a new respect for Mother Nature and its power. And as we look back on a man-made disaster, my focus is now on Hurricane Ike churning in the Gulf of Mexico and heading for Texas. I worry for my family and friends that are in the direct line of the storm.

I'm going about life, though, as normal. What else CAN I do at this point? Yes, I am worried. Yes, I am taking time to pause and reflect. But ultimately, I have to push forward and continue to live my life. I have to continue to keep my focus on today. Enjoy today. Enjoy the moment.

My husband is in Switzerland right now for a music festival. It's been strange not talk to him at all the last several days, relying on email to communicate when we can. We always at least say good night before bed! (Maybe that's why my sleep schedule is so far off.)

I know he's having a wonderful time, and I keep telling him that he must come back with LOTS of pictures and maybe a souvenir or two. I sure wish I were there as well! I must get my passport soon so if this ever happens again, I CAN go.

But, I myself have been keeping busy doing this and that. Dinner with friends was awesome, for example. I've also been taking care of those little things that you just never have time to do. And I do admit, I've taken time to be a little lazy as well, but that pretty much is counter productive to my goal: make the time pass faster until he is back home.

Right now, I have laundry stacked up on the other couch waiting to be put away, and I have a small list of errands to run tomorrow at some point. And, like I said before... I'll also be watching Ike closely. There's nothing I can do about it, but I'll be watching nonetheless.

*disclaimer: this entry took about three hours to type between laundry loads, watching TV and chatting on-line. I apologize if its disjointed and has no real flow. I'll do better next time.*

Off Topic: I love my city

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 08:15:00 +0000

I never say it enough. I love my city.

I grew up a small town girl. 3A high school graduate. Living in the country until college. And even then, I went to college in... what you'd pretty much STILL call a small town in a way. (A small city, perhaps?) Believing myself to be that small town kid for life, I was surprised how the pull of the city tugged at me. I knew for YEARS I'd end up in Nashville eventually. I just figured it would be via Dallas, Texas, first. But, instead I skipped the middle step and went from small town to "big city."

Here is the craziest thing of it all, though. I have more friends here than I ever did "back home." Sure, my closest friends -- the ones dearest to my heart and that I confide in most -- come from years of experiences in our small town(s). But the sheer number of people I know now boggles my mind some times. And I am constantly making new friends and acquaintances.

A step beyond that, I've found I love to keep my finger on the pulse of the city. No, I don't know everything that is happening. But I like to have a general idea of things that are happening. Simply because I love my city!

It's so funny how... I will always feel Small Town Texas to be my home, but I have this love for Nashville. I think the skyline is beautiful. I love the general vibe it has. This has become home now, and... it makes me happy. It's where I belong now.

That lonely weekend...

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 09:16:00 +0000

I'm supposed to be good at this.

Then why am I sitting here going, "Okay, its time for him to come home?"

I guess I'm just out of practice? Or perhaps its the fact that its a long weekend, so his absence this weekend seems more poignant? Though I've spend my birthday alone before. Last year he left on Thanksgiving. This shouldn't matter. Those weren't big deals. This shouldn't be.

No, I guess no matter how much of a "pro" I fancy myself, sometimes you just miss your spouse. And I do miss him more than usual right now. How will I be in a couple weeks when he's out of the country!? Well... granted... I already have plans to look forward to during that time, so that'll help. Different circumstances all the way around with that, really.

And really, that's what it all comes down to. I told him the other day that, "Time passes slower here than it does where you are." Meaning, he's so busy that time flies by... whereas while I am busy doing things here at home, I'm still at home. And the time seems to drag by at times.

Perception. That's a big thing that is hard to adjust for each side of an equation. In a lot of ways, this has been a short run. Heck, had he stayed with his last employer I would have hardly seen him this entire summer. So I am ultimately grateful, and I know he'll be home in just over a day and a half.

I think myself a pro... but even pros have their moments.

Baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
In everything in you...

Like the first day of school

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 06:41:00 +0000

I like to think I am a "pro" at this whole musician's widow thing. But even being a "pro" doesn't make it easy sometimes. It just gives you knowledge on how to handle it.

Tonight, my husband embarked on a new gig. Or rather, this weekend is something of an audition towards this new gig. But nonetheless, I dropped him off at a bus in a grocery store parking lot, bound for Canada for two days.

I am so excited for him on this. A new gig. A big one at that! Plus, its one that will still allow him to be home more to continue work on a new project that we have started in the last few months. I have no doubts that he'll do great, but still I say prayers and send him good vibes.

It felt great to say I was taking him to bus call, and there is a comfort in this routine as it is familiar. But that doesn't mean that there wasn't this sadness that came over me as I drove away without him. I've gotten so used to having him home all the time! I missed him within seconds of dropping him off at the bus!

I would think that for him, tonight was a little like the first day of school. He's the new kid, and even though this is not his first time out on the road, its his first night with this group. And its also been a few months since his last trip out. So, even with as familiar as this lifestyle is, tonight was something new all over again.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to approach this whole thing at the moment. It's not a done deal, exactly. But I also don't see any reason why it wouldn't be, either. I just want him to be happy and enjoy what he does. (And having the steady income would be nice as well.) And I sure hope this gig will be a perfect fit.

Just a small update

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 07:52:00 +0000

I've spent a lot of time with some "newbie" "musician's widows" as of late. It is indeed tour season, and many of "our men" are out on the road livin' the dream. They talk about the time apart and how hard it is. I end up just nodding along... been there, done that. I will do it again. Preaching to the choir here. Preaching to the choir.

As I always tell them to remember... it's always that first day or two that are the hardest. ESPECIALLY when its an extra long run, as they tend to be in the summer. You feel the void more than ever. Good-byes always are hard. But you do eventually get into a routine of your own, and time passes relatively quickly. It especially helps when you have friends you can see in the time he is gone.

I'm not really leaving that life these days so much. I'm getting used to having my husband at home! I'm downright spoiled, in fact, by having him here.

However, he also has his CDL and he co-drives whenever he's out on the road. This weekend, he is helping a friend out by co-driving for Montel Williams (of all people!). It's a short run for him, but it gave me a taste of "the life" again for a few days. I have so much work to do these days that this time has passed quickly, and he'll be home tomorrow evening.

We're embarking on a new endeavor that could prove to change our lives dramatically. It already is in a way, and we're welcoming the challenge with excitement. I will possibly be posting about it more at a later date, but until that time... we just keep on keepin' on.

"People"

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 21:14:00 +0000

With my husband currently not on the road -- still shopping for a new artist gig -- he's working harder than ever, grabbing gigs in downtown Nashville in the bars and clubs along Broadway and in Printer's Alley.

The best part of it all is that he's home at the end of the night every night. I get to see and spend time with him every day of the week, and for that I do feel very grateful. I am accustomed to the "widow" life of seeing my husband leave for days or weeks on the road, and I know that as soon as he gets a new gig we'll fall right back into that pace of life. So I am savoring this time together with more fervor than anyone knows, because it could change tomorrow.

The worst part of it, is that he's working over twice as hard for less pay. We're having to "tighten up the boot straps" quite a bit, and it's exhausting going six nights a week. But in that same vein, and I grateful for there being work to do. Many people are getting laid off in their industries, and at least he (we) still has work to do. I give myself that reality check almost daily. Reminding myself that even when I'm tired and want a vacation, I need to instead of grateful to have work and to still be able to pay the bills.

Somewhere in the middle of it all has to be "people." It's frustrating to see people (ie the crowd) treat his speakers and keyboard cases like their chairs or drink holders. There is no regard for personal property -- for the tools needed for him to do his job. At times I want to ask people if they'd like for me to set my beer on their laptops or blackberrys. If I can perch upon their copy machines. They'd probably be appalled, but in a round about way its the same idea.

In a similar vein, I came in with a group of friends to watch my husband play last night. Slowly, one by one, they meandered off to head home, tired from their work days. Soon, there was only me at the table...

But that never lasted long, as one by one I got hit on by men. It was flattering, yes. (Where were all these men when I was single??) But slowly it grew annoying.

Can a woman not sit at a table alone in a bar and not be needing male company? All were very polite and respectful once I explained the my husband was in the band, and that I was there to see him play. But at the same time, it made me want to find a shirt that said, "Married and with the band. Don't bother. Save your breath and creativity to find the right line." I amuse myself some times.

In every business, you deal with the good, the bad and the... frustrating. And every day you go back to your job knowing you'll have to deal with it all over again. Tonight, my husband will haul his gear back into yet another bar and see his equipment get "disrespected." I'll go along, helping to move gear and enjoy a night of good music and people watching... and probably at some point try to politely get someone (male, female, sometimes a whole group of friends there to party) to understand why I am there and that, no, I do not need to be taken care of because I am alone.

My husband does it for his love of music, as well as to pay the bills. I come along for both my own love of music, but mostly for my love and support of my husband. It's a hat I wear (along with "writer, designer, daughter, sister, friend, etc.)... and it's the one I am most proud to wear.

From "the outside" looking in...

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 04:48:00 +0000

Last night, I was lucky enough to get to attend a concert as a guest of one of the headliner's band members. A group of us ladies got together and we all drove out to see the concert, and then we had All Access passes to visit our friends in the band after the show.

It felt equally weird and natural to me to do this.

The biggest thing that felt weird: my husband wasn't there. I kept feeling like he SHOULD be there. For one thing, these guys we went to see are actually more his friends than mine. I know a few of them probably only know me as being his wife, and I am so okay with that! But for another, he's a touring musician and he should be touring right now! And the fact that he's not right now... my being at a show, backstage, without him there just made me feel a little sad. Because he thrives on the music, the travel, the energy of the fans, etc., and it feels like its been taken away from him for the time being. And that just makes me sad.

But, in the same breath of all of that, it feels weirder to go to shows and NOT be backstage these days. So in a lot of ways I felt completely at home. I go and end up taking notes more on what guys are playing, how the lighting is set, what the stage layout and set look like, listening to the mix, and then just watching the fans have fun. I think I almost blew my husband's phone up sending him text messages all night!!

I know, now, how things go when putting on a concert. I understand things that I used to take for granted. Things that amaze some are just "the way it is" to me. And I like that it is that way! Concerts are still a ton of fun to attend! They always will be! I'm just saying that I see a lot of things I used to not see, and it feels less like a "special occasion" and more like just the way my life is.

Among all of it all, I got the pleasure of watching a band member and his wife interact after the show. I fear they felt I was staring! But, I'm very much someone who likes to watch people, and take in things like body language and the way people interact with each other. It's interesting to me, and I've learned you can learn a lot if you just sit quiet, listen and observe.

Last night, as I watched the couple, I wondered often if others view me and my husband the same way. As a couple very much in love, and who know its a crazy life but embrace it with as much (if not more!) vigor as someone who has a regular 9-5 job. I wonder if I appear as at home and close with my husband's band mates as this other "musician's widow" is in her camp. I took notes on how she approached things, as she's been in this life for much longer than I have been. I felt I could perhaps learn something through my observations.

In the end, I had a lovely time out with the girls. I saw a wonderful (intense!) show, and I got to get a taste of another camp that is out there pounding the pavement along with the many other acts touring the country today. It was fun! And I can't wait to do it again... just next time: I want to be going to see own husband. ;)

When it rains, it pours...

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 08:29:00 +0000

It's been four months since I last posted, and life's been quite the roller coaster in those months. As it always is, of course, but perhaps moreso than ever. I've stayed busy doing my thing. My husband was busy doing his thing. Now... we're busy doing each of our things together.

See, a couple weeks ago, my husband ended his time with the artist he'd been working for over the last 10 months. It came as a surprise, but thankfully we're in an okay place at the moment for it have happened. Mostly, it's been frustrating and disheartening. Over the last couple of weeks, I've become jaded with the music business in general. However, I won't give up on it either.

There are other things in the works, though, and I firmly believe the adage that everything happens for a reason. We're just not yet in a place to see what that reason may be... We may never be, honestly. But I know there is a reason.

In the mean time, my husband and I have been busier than ever with work. Last week was CMA Music Fest in Nashville. It kept us both hopping. It kept all of Nashville hopping. I think anyone who had anything to do with the event is still recovering, and will be for at least the rest of the week.

However, it was a great time to network, and it made me appreciate more than ever my blessings of having work to do and being able to do said work. (The gas prices these days remind me to be grateful for that as well!)

But, as my subject line states, when it rains it pours. During a solo this weekend, my husband blew a speaker. THE speaker in fact. So it must be fixed before he can gig again. Then on top of that, our washing machine went out in a fit of smoke. And our oldest cat is sick. I'm half waiting to see what is going to fall apart next!! But... I am honestly in a mode to have to just laugh about it. Because I know things will get better, and I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. So I keep my head high and my mood optimistic.

Oh don't think I've not gotten down over the last few weeks -- because I have. But getting down doesn't fix anything. It just makes things more dismal. I prefer to be optimistic and proactive to get things back on track.

And to find the humor in most situations.

Would never do otherwise

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 23:05:00 +0000

There is one really big perk to having a husband that is a traveling musician: you DO get to do things you'd never do otherwise.

For example, two years ago I had the opportunity (which I took!) to go to Hawaii over the 4th of July holiday. Would we have gone otherwise? It's possible, but also fairly doubtful. Honestly, I'd have never in a millions years thought I'd go there. Growing up, I never even listed Hawaii as a place I wanted to visit, simply because I knew it would never happen...

And then... it did. So beautiful! A wonderful trip! I'd love to go again some day, and who knows... we might. But, if we don't, it's okay, too. It's a memory I will never, ever forget.

I also went to Las Vegas to see my husband do a show, and then just countless venues around Texas and, now, various locations close to Nashville. It's a nice "perk" to the life. We spend so much time apart while he is on the road, but we do get advantages of getting to go and do things we'd never do otherwise. Occasionally, the random show sponsor will provide band members with gifts, or we'll end up with the random CD of new music. It doesn't make up for the time spent apart, per se. But, its a nice little bonus of sorts.

This last weekend, when everything went haywire due to a last-minute show being added, we again landed on things coming out better. Plus, we got to once again do something we'd otherwise have never done.

I drove up to Indianapolis, IN, for their show. Now, being from Texas, its still very strange to me to be able to drive to another state -- much less through a whole state into yet another one! -- for a concert. The 5 hour drive wasn't bad at all. It was actually a very pleasant and beautiful drive.

The show was great, and we had friends there who we got to have fun with after the show. Due to checking in to our hotel so late, we ended up actually having our room through Monday! We discussed it and decided to stay an extra day.

I would have never known that Indianapolis was such a fascinating and beautiful city! We got to explore downtown, and I just could not get over how much there was to see. I sent my parents a cell phone photo of the skyline, and they too were amazed we were where we were... doing what we were doing. Heck, we discovered we enjoyed the city so much, we want to go back when it is warm so we can explore on foot! (It was SO cold and we had not packed for it, thinking we were going straight back home on Sunday.)

I plan to travel South soon to another show, and I will get the chance to explore some Southern history... whereas in Indiana there were such old buildings from a more Northern perspective. (Duh, right?) I have my fingers crossed my husband will soon get to fulfill one of his life-long dreams of played an awards show, and that I'll get to come along to see that. I spoke with one of the crew's wife and she plans to go with them on an upcoming California trip.

California would be so wonderful to get to come out to see them. I have friends there that I am itching to see again. However, funds will keep me grounded for this run. But, perhaps some day! You never know. All things are possible...

Coming from a girl who grew up in a small town, that has been quite the lesson learned. Often small town minds don't see beyond their city limits. But there is a whole world out there to explore. And so many things that seem impossible, ARE possible. And I am forever grateful to the things I have gotten to experience...

Like I said... its difficult to be "a musician's widow," and its not a "job" many are cut out to handle. But, if you're willing to put the faith, trust and belief in your marriage out there... it does come with its perks: both tangible and intangible.

When Things Go Crazy

noreply@blogger.com (Denise) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 05:07:00 +0000

Stress can be negative or it can be positive. I think it all depends on how you react to said stress.

Yesterday, my husband and I went from having a couple of quiet days ahead of us to having to get him ready and to the bus in about four hours time. A last-minute show (filling in for a fellow, ailing, artist) came into the schedule and they had to be in Wisconsin by the next morning. We got the call at about 5 pm.

At first, I was a little bit frustrated by the change in schedule. But, it didn't take long to realize I needed to just be grateful for the added show. Plus, last-minute changes in his work schedule are not new to us. Though, usually its a show canceled last moment versus one being added! Nice change of pace right there!!

We had been out running errands, and I had planned a nice supper at home. However, with the newly truncated time schedule, we opted for a quick meal out. As soon as we got home, my husband got to work learning a new song they want to put in the show. I, on the other hand, quickly got to work on getting things together for him to go. I made coffee for him to have for driving the bus for a few hours. I ironed his show shirts. I was happy to do all I could to make this change in plans easier to handle.

What's funny, though, is that I think we were both in a total daze for most of the evening. It can be hard to comprehend the changes that have occurred, even as you are handling them.

When the time came, I took him to bus call. I plan to drive to his show on Saturday, and we'll drive back from there together. So there was no need for him to take his truck to the bus lot and then try to figure out a way to pick it up later this weekend.

My point in all of it is this: when changes occur, you can either fight them or adjust with them. Adjusting with them admittedly challenging, but its also less stressful. Why? Because if we all make adjustments together, less changes have to occur for each person. And that's just a much happier and more peaceful situation -- no matter what the specific case may be.

Ultimately, for us, this probably ended up being a good change. It'll make for a less stressful weekend for both of us in the end. A few hours of, "ACK!" is worth it.