The musings of Autolicus

SHAME ON ME IT SEEMS

2010-08-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am a reprehensible creature because I don't say on my website what Cayenne Pepper is on the Scoville scale. The Scoville scale, for those that don't happen to know, is a measure of the heat of chilli peppers ( Cayenne is between 30,000 and 50,000. If its any hotter - then its been "cut" with another substance to artificially increase its heat)

Apparently such an ommission on my part is scandalous according to the whingeing man who berated me by phone this afternoon and who simply wouldn't accept that I am a retailer not an educator and apparently it didn't occur to him that he could have googled the information had he been so inclined.

I listened to his outrage for a few minutes and then hung up - exhausted from the effort of keeping quiet (seldom is such restraint witnessed I must add) whilst he raged on and on but afterwards it struck me that it seems to be commonplace now that people take no responsibility for finding out things for themselves but expect to be told by whomsoever they verbally assault. I am constantly being asked by colleagues how to spell something - they never look it up and I am sure I have an invisible sign over the top of my head ( invisible to me that is ) which must say something like "toilet attendant" as despite an extremely large sign just above where the toilets are located - I am constantly asked ( even when I happen to be talking to a customer) where they might be.

I must have the kind of face that says " He'll know"

Some People!

2010-08-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

You know it amuses and irritates me in almost equal measure that at least once a week someone e-mails me or drops by the shop wanting to argue or make a point about something pretty un-related to my business (but in their head anything they have a gripe about seems to be related to what I do for a living) and then they get upset when I happen to point out that their argument is based on something such as rumour, is out of context or with no perspective.

For instance a woman started quoting some sensationalist article about Indian Restaurants (57% of them) using illegal amounts of food colourants in their dishes according to "Media Reports" when all she originally wanted to know, when she contacted me, was did Beetroot make her food red? (doh!!) I mean if she had bothered to read the page about beetroot on my website, from which she originally contacted me, she might have just read that it is used as a food colourant for just that purpose but mail after mail arrived going on and on about tartrazine ( which happens to be yellow ) and when put in her place - well she seems to have managed to understand that.

Are people so stupid that they don't recognise that the term "media reports" is a euphamism for rumour and that scientific evidence or at least a source for the information they so blithely bandy about needs to be quoted for anyone capable of reason or logic to take seriously. Media reports stated that Bill Cosby had died this week - for the third time in his career - apparently he's none to pleased about it! So much for media reports.

I am sure that many a company involved in catering ( which I am not ) occasionally flouts the guidelines and maybe even the law but does this woman honestly believe that a Bangladeshee cook in a two bit takeaway is tactically sitting there with a pipette measuring out tartrazine by the micron to make a single dish of Chicken Tikka Masala more colourful just for her? Does it not occur to her that he might be so busy that he was much more likely to have chucked in a touch more turmeric ( E 100 by the way )He will probably not even know what Tartrazine is or what a pipette is for that matter. Catering and processed food companies will know so M&S and Sainsbury's and all other fine food outlets might very well add "lashings" of e-colours to their own brand, over processed foods from which it is perfectly possible to end up being malnourished if one eats them all the time but, really - how does this woman manage to still be alive?

Did she buy the beetroot - all of £3? - no she didn't not even before she started her nonsense.

Does this surprise me? NO. It seems to me that people have too little to do in their lives - I hope that this particular sad creature never manages to exert any influence over anything - especially a jury - she'd be a nightmare.

Has this new coalition government closed down all the care homes for the terminally bewildered for lack of funding and to save money to pay off the national debt? - 'cos all the loonies seem to be on the loose.

IS IT FULL MOON?

2010-06-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, whilst I was whiling away the time tidying up shelves and humming tunelessly to myself ( its been a quiet weekend ), a tiny lady waltzed into my shop, took the top off every jar which contained soap, sniffed the contents of each and then barked at me........

"Do you have any soap that doesn't contain Sodium Lauryl Sulphate?"

I was a touch miffed by her attitude so responded............

"No they are all brimming with it!"

In the hope she would go away as quickly as she had appeared. She completely ignored my response and went straight into a long lecture about the Illuminati and how they have plans to change the world, barely drawing breath between sentences. I was so surprised (and you'd think I'd be used to strange behaviour by now) that, unusually for me, I didn't interrupt for what seemed like minutes but eventually, wincing with embarrassment and sheer irritation, I butted in and said that she might like to draw breath and smell the restraining order coming her way!

She took no notice so I edged her towards the doorway, by which time she was onto Walt Disney and telling me that he was a pervert and that if I looked carefully and had any sense at all, I would realise that all characters in Disney films were evil!

"What even Bambi?" I blurted "Never. You got that wrong, Bambi could never have been evil - you should go and see Charlie in the Rock Shop - he has some strong views on the subject you might be interested in."

To which she turned tail and strode off to Charlie's Rock Shop, still muttering about Walt Disney.

Charlie thanked me later but asked if I could refrain from pointing any other customers in his direction.

I wonder why I didn't think of this tactic before - it worked really well and did make me laugh.

An Unusual Use of an Everyday Commodity

2010-05-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

For months now, a lady has been buying just one bar of soap each month from me and she has always said that the bars are so beautiful that they look and smell good enough to eat. Yesterday she confessed that she doesn't use them as soap at all initially but puts them in her knicker drawer because the soap makes her knickers smell so nice - when she gets fed up with her knickers all smelling like a custard tart (The French Vanilla soap I assume) she uses it as soap and then buys another soap of a different fragrance to put in her knicker drawer.

I wonder if thats a marketing opportunity or just a quirk - it amuses me but it involves the word knickers and that always makes me chuckle - I'm so juvenile at times!

Flatulence

2010-05-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

Some interesting facts about farting which cropped up the other day when I was doing some research - of all things on convulsant poisons ( strictly for educational purposes I hasten to add)

The planet's top ten farters

1 Termites
2 Camels
3 Zebras
4 Sheep
5 Cows
6 Elephants
7 Labradors/Retrievers
8 Humans (vegitarians)
9 Humans (Omnivores)
10 Gerbils

The average person will fart 14 times a day, a total of around half a litre of gas being expelled at an average speed of 7 miles per hour at 37 degres celsius and the majority of which will be a Nitrogen/Carbon Dioxide mixture that will have been gulped down through an open mouth rather than the digestive by product we all assume a fart might be. Nitrogen/Carbon Dioxide farts are made up of large gaseous bubbles and can be consequently more audible than the smaller bubbled digestive fermentation farts which tend to be smelly and less audible (the silent but deadly origins perhaps?)

The rectum is so nerve rich that it knows when you are going to fart or poop and triggers a different anal reaction for each event although when ill the nerves can be confused and a follow through can result.

Beans do, infact, make you fart more because they contain polysaccharides and these indigestible carbohydrate structures, when they reach the lower intestine, create a nutrient rich soup for the bacteria there to feast upon and produce gas as a by product of their gluttony.

No-one has ever been known to have been harmed by being exposed to a fart, personally expelled or merely through the kindness of another!

Fascinating - and I was looking up Wolfsbane when I came across it!

Rudeness

2010-05-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

Today I was unlucky enough to have yet another display of ill bred, rude, bad behaviour from someone who spent all of £1.25 on something that turned out to be something they didn't really like. Having told them that I would give them their money back if they didn't like it because no-one would want someone to have something they had made a mistake over I was then subjected to a load of abuse and a lecture about ingredients, or rather a lecture was initiated and then terminated with speed.

I deplore the lack of manners and the increase of ill bred behaviour which has become the norm these days - I seem to be just one of many small businesses that have to put up with ill bred, ignorant behaviour from terminally bewildered people who might have something legitimate to say but are only capable of doing so by using confrontational and abusive behaviour. The shop lifter I caught on Sunday last had more manners than many people I see every day and he wasn't even contrite at having been caught but civil enough to depart without confrontation.

I despair and blame the telly - reality shows and examples of bad behaviour seem to make people who are easily influenced think that its acceptable to behave that way.

Innocence and a lack of charm

2010-01-29T02:51:00.000-08:00

The other day a child who was quite cute ( and I seldom regard children as cute ) found an insect in the small herb garden I have outside my shop whilst she rummaged around in it waiting for her Mother who was systematically destroying all the bags hanging up in the shop next door to mine. As she was being completely ignored by her Mother I suppose thats why she asked me what the insect was.

I said I rather thought it could be a fat fairy but considering they were very rare it was most probably a moth masquerading as a fat fairy.

Her Mother, having not heard any of her child's questions preceding this, heard my answer and came rushing from the holocaust of handbags she had created and with more disdain that I could muster without a lot of practice, snarled at me "Don't be so stupid!"

Made my day.

Shop Signs

2010-01-15T02:51:00.000-08:00

I'd like to put the following signs in the window of my shop

1 - No Rucksack wearers
2 - No food to be consumed on the premises even if the proprietor leads by not very good example and you find him stuffing his face
3 - Anyone with an IQ of a pot noodle would be better not entering these premises
4 - Persons weighing more than 18 stone might wish to breathe in its a small shop
5 - Think before you speak
6 - It is better to be thought a fool and keep quiet than have the fact confirmed by speaking
7 - If its says tea on the label then it probably is tea
8 - The shop is unsuitable for children or pushchairs

Instead I have a sign that says its forbidden to smoke on the premises

Lemon Pepper

2010-01-15T02:37:00.000-08:00

The other day a man came into the shop and asked me for lemon pepper but could I do him a small favour as I had done the last time he bought some and take all the lemon out?

I pointed out, not without some amusement and a little incredulity, that lemon pepper without the lemon in it was, by coincidence, just regular pepper and wouldn't he prefer that 'cos it would save a lot of anguish and time.

"Oh good God no!" he said "Everyone uses ordinary pepper"

I don't remember ever removing the lemon from lemon pepper for anyone before but in this instance I told him he'd have to give me an hour or so and............... you guessed it - I sold him a packet of pepper that had never had any lemon in it when he returned! He was delighted but might not be if he reads this and I am a whole £1.50 better off!

I think my shop might just be in the wrong location

Acne

2009-12-19T03:38:00.000-08:00

A woman came into the shop the other day and asked if I had anything for Acne? From somewhere in the deep recesses of my subconcious came the words - unbidden or premeditated

"Yes I do but I don't think I have any where near enough in stock!

meaning. of course, in my head I might not have very much left.

She was quite rude - I probably deserved it - Customer Service isn't my strong point!

New Years Resolutions

2009-12-17T05:05:00.000-08:00

In my family we have learnt not to make New Year Resolutions because between prevalent Alzheimers and a distinct and genetic lack of self will - none of us will remember what we have resolved by January the 2nd. Write it down - I here you say - same lack of discipline and medical conditions apply - we will lose the piece of paper - so we do something I invented when I was a nipper and which has been an annual event ever since. The prize is a bottle of port my Father laid down in his heydey - Actually he just bought a number of cases because they were going cheap - laying down affords rather more cachet to a somewhat humble situation that it deserves -anyway Port is the prize.

Here is what we do.

Each of us ( 15 brothers in total - halves and steps alike ) and their assorted spouses, significant other halves and offspring makes a list of the ten prominent people (excluding family as thats just plain not nice) they think will kick off this mortal coil in the coming year. Prominence can be from any field of life from Actors, Politicians, Writers and the like - the only proviso being that we must all have heard of them when the lists are submitted ( to my eldest brother who is in his nineties and if he hasn't learnt how adjudicate and arbitrate in a family of 15 brothers by now then I don't know who else would be a good choice)

Whoever gets the most - wins the port - in the event of a tie then chronological decease take precedence ( ie. if my list dies off before my Brother's list but we end up with the same number then I win )

I am struggling this year

These are my nominations so far

Prince Philip (Consort and bumbling Greek but quite funny companion to the Queen )
Lady Thatcher (Ex UK Prime Minster )
Jimmy Carter ( ex US President )
Nigel Lawson ( ex UK Chancellor )
Angela Lansbury ( Actress )
Kim Jong Il ( is that the bloke who runs North Korea? He seems like a good bet!)
Elizabeth Taylor (Actress)
Nelson Mandela ( Politician and ex freedom activist )
Doris Day (Actress)
Mohammed Ali (Boxer)

Outside runners

Lester Piggott ( Ex Jockey )
Kirk Douglas (Actor)
Brigit Bardot (Sex Symbol, model, Actress and campaigner for animal rights )
Henry Cooper (British boxer)
Amy Winehouse (Chanteuse)

A Cold Spell

2009-12-15T03:07:00.000-08:00

Since breaking my ankle in the same place for the third time (I fell off a consenting adult - vigour has always been a trial to me) I have developed this unerring instinct for knowing when we are going to have snow. Two days before the snowfall ( which might only be slight ) my ankle hurts like XXXX and I limp - all the more because I am a Man and therefore have to exaggerate and therefore validate all ills and ailments! My instinct and my ankle tell me we are about to have snowfall.

AND WE DID! I'm good

Climate Change

2009-12-07T13:28:00.001-08:00

I read the other day that livestock farming all over the world accounts for 18% of all greenhouse gas emissions due the animals that chew the cud creating methane laden farts - the writer was urging us to go vegitarian - something I have gravitated to out of habit rather than conviction. I don't chew the cud but my veggie diet certainly produces some rich flatulence (don't know if they are methane laden)so I'm giving up the lentils! Sometimes the result comes about from entirely unforseen means doesn't it? Lentils - yum (I think not)

2009-12-07T13:12:00.000-08:00

There is alltogether too much Tony Robinson on TV. Channel 4 must be in love with him! Forever Baldrick - I simply can't find him convincing when he talks so sincerely about climate change and the Earth's evolution whilst its only the experts on Time Team that make him convincing on that at all. I must be in a minority though 'cos his star seems to be in the ascendant - God help us - It'll be Alan Titchmarsh back every five minutes next!

You have to laugh

2009-12-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

A woman came into my shop today, strode right up to me and shouted in my face "Blue Vinegar" and then turned on her heals and marched straight out again! Is it the time of the month?

Banking

2009-12-04T02:32:00.000-08:00

'mm all this news about bankers bonus payments? Of course the supposed best talents in banking shouldn't be paid a cash bonus (rumours of up to £1.5 billion in total) but if they need to be rewarded at all and I recognise the argument that talent needs rewarding, then deferred bonus payments or shares is a much more appropriate and acceptable method. If these people will leave the banks they have served so badly over the last few years because they don't get a cash bonus then sobeit. The Governement has the power to ensure that they are embargoed from working in the finance industry in the UK for, say, the next 5 years so and they can take their passports away if they plan to go abroad to work. I wonder how many of them will be so eager to resign over a matter of immoral principle if the prospect of never working again is held over their head like the sword of Damocles? Thats what hundreds of thousands of perfectly innocent and good people are having to face as a result of their behaviour.

These people have committed an offence, hocked every citizen in this country for years, still behave appallingly and yet remain unpunished. Call RBS's directors bluff and let them resign and replace them with some of the good people who have been made redundant as a result of their behaviour. Let them survive in the wilderness for a few years.