One of my favorite ways to develop social emotional skills is through interactive journaling and reflection sheets. These tools can increase self-awareness, develop emotional regulation and build resiliency skills.

But what should you look for when helping your children develop a journaling habit?

Start with choosing something with habit trackers. These sheets can help children develop self-care and wellness skills. Then add questions that lead to reflection. For gifted children, daily reflections of mood, intensities, and strengths can help children increases awareness into their unique aspects of giftedness. Finally, consider opportunities to write random thoughts like with a traditional journal.

If journaling isn’t quite your child’s thing, look into reflection books. Part self-help book, part workbook, these tools allow children to learn and practice different mental wellness skills.

Whether you choose an interactive journal or a self-reflection book, now is the time to help children develop their resilience and EQ skills.

If you want to find some good options for journaling or reflection books, I have produced several book specifically for gifted kids. The Intense Life journal series includes wellness trackers like the page above, as well as reflection tools and black journal pages. There are two styles of the journal currently – a geometric style, and a “hearts” style.

I also have two reflection-styled self-help books for kids: one focused on developing resiliency skills titled Letting Go, and another focused on helping teen girls develop strong self-advocacy skills, called The Girl Guide. Both books combine practical information with reflection styled workbook pages designed to build emotional intelligence. All of the books can journals can be purchased on Amazon and other retailers.

Resiliency skills are more than necessary during our global pandemic. Helping our gifted kids learn to navigate the intensity of their emotions is vital now and long after the crisis passes.

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him…
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

– Pearl Buck

This is my absolute favorite explanation of what it means to be gifted, creative or intense. I have worked with gifted children and adults for more than a decade, and I can say that everyone, with the exception of some 2E individuals (which we will discuss in future posts) have lived this poem to some degree.

Intensity refers to how an individual approaches life.  At its best, it is the driving passion that enables some people to achieve amazing things – in any domain.  But at its worst, it is the turmoil that has the power to consume these same individuals from time to time as they learn how to manage that aspect of their personality.

Intensity comes in the form of cognitive intensity – those aspects of thinking ad processing information that all gifted individuals to problem solve.  It relates to the attributes of focus, sustained attention, creative problem solving, and advanced reasoning skills.  Most people think of cognitive intensity as intellect, or “being smart” – all good things.

Emotional intensity is akin to the above poem.  It refers to the passion gifted people feel daily.  But it also refers to the extreme highs and lows many gifted people experience throughout their lifetime, causing them to question their own mental stability from time to time.  This type of intensity is a natural aspect of giftedness.  However, in my experience, it is also one of the most misunderstood attributes.  I will talk more about the problems of intensity in future posts.

My book, Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students (2nd edition) covers all aspects of emotional intensity, and more importantly – what you can do about it. I also wrote a series called “Making Emotional Intensity Your Superpower”, which you can access here:

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4

Between the posts and the book, I am hoping your questions are answered. Please let me know if you have additional thoughts or questions.

Goal setting doesn’t just work with adults, however. Gifted children from elementary school through high school benefit from goal setting as a way to frame their actions and achieve their passions. Goal setting encourages focused effort and can prevent underachievement in gifted children (Morisano, D. & Shore, B.M., 2009). Additionally, goal setting helps develop purpose and meaning in a child’s life, as well as encouraging the development of internal motivation, both of which are part of the social-emotional landscape of gifted children (Fonseca, 2015)

Goal setting doesn’t have to be a difficult or arduous task. Below are five tips to get your child started with goal-setting. Try these yourself if you need a little refresher.

1. Start small. Often intentions fail because we set the bar too high. Starting with a manageable goal, something we can achieve with a small amount of focused effort, or break a more substantial goal down into small chunks.
   Progress monitor. Determine how you’ll measure the goal. Goals do us no good if we can’t figure out how we’ve achieved it. If you want to change your eating habits, you need to define what that means. If you want to read more, you need to determine what “more” means measurably.
2. Link emotions. Focus on what you want to FEEL when you achieve the goal. The emotional focus will connect the goal to the emotional parts of the brain, which then feeds motivation. Teach children to visualize the successful completion of the goal, down to the feeling solicited by that achievement. Then ask them to focus on that feeling any time they feel stuck or their motivation drops.
3. Anticipate barriers. Achieving our dreams typically means confronting a few obstacles. Planning for those roadblocks can enable us to have a strategy to stay on track, or get back on track if we slip. This is what my grandmother meant by “plan ahead.” Recognize that life WILL throw a few curveballs. This is to be expected. But, when we can anticipate as many of these as possible, it is easier to stay focused on the goal to the accomplishment of it!
4. Make a plan. Those who “fail to plan, plan to fail.” Once we establish a goal, how we’ll measure it, what we want to feel, and the potential problems we may face, it is time to set a specific plan for achieving the goal. This is a critical, often missing, aspect of goal setting. It isn’t enough to wish for a thing to happen – you have to take action. If, as you are traveling along the journey toward your goal, it is clear that you overreached with your goal, reset the goal. Remember, you want to achieve it. If you have to tweak things a bit, that is fine. Focus on successful action.

Bonus [Okay, so I have six tips. I think this is perhaps the most important one, actually]

• Celebrate! Be sure to celebrate the victories you achieve, both along the journey of achieving the goal, and once you’ve reached it. Revel in the feelings. And then, once the success is acknowledged and appreciated, set a new goal.

These steps hardwire your brain for success.

Do you set goals? Do you teach your children how to do this as well? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

With a new book release comes new podcasts and articles. Last week I recorded a couple of podcasts, and this week I will be recording a few more. My latest interview for Mind Matters, one of my favorite podcasts, releases this week. While I anxiously wait for the release, I wanted to share my interview from June 2018, Episode 12: All the Feels. In this podcast, I talk about emotional intensity and the needs of gifted kids. Give it a listen –

MIND MATTERS – Episode 12: All The Feels

I hope you enjoyed the podcast and I can’t wait to share the next one with you!

Existential Depression
Self-actualization is one of the more sparsely researched aspects of emotional intensity. That said, there is evidence to support the view that gifted children strive toward self-actualization at an early age (Hébert, 2011). How old, you may ask. In my experience with thousands of families, including my own, gifted children stat contemplating the meaning of their existence as preschoolers. This push toward understanding self and the role of self within the universe can result in feelings of existential depression (Webb et al., 2007) when children have not yet managed their intensities or recognized their attitudes about self and their role in the world.

Existential depression can hit at a young age with gifted children, resulting in behaviors that mimic generalized anxiety and panic attacks. The origins, however, are different. Gifted children wrestling with their internal purpose may engage in morbid thought patterns that involve death or dying, asking questions that lead parents and educators to become concerned over potential suicidal ideations (Peterson, 2006; Webb, 2008).

Although it is essential that such concerns always be addressed, it is vital that adults understand that such questions may be indicative of the child’s push for self-actualization and the accompanying existential depression, as opposed to more significant mental health problems. Dealing with the existential crisis head-on, as well as employing the previously mentioned tips, can significantly help our gifted youth embrace the positive aspects of their internal drive (Fonseca, 2015a).

In addition to the tips throughout this series, here are additional things parents and educators can do to support gifted children as they begin to discover their passions and role within the world.

1. Help your child discover her personal “why.” Sinek’s (2011) quintessential book Start With Why speaks to businesses about embracing the why behind the product or service they offer. The same model can be utilized with gifted children as they begin their journey toward self-actualization. Helping them discover their passions at an early age, connecting the things they are interested in with their global values and beliefs can help them establish their personal why. This can then begin to frame how they interact with the world and give meaning to their internal drive. Adults often enter into these types of conversations way too late with children, if at all. As soon as the gifted child can begin to discuss his or her values and passions, adults should start helping the child discover his or her why.
2. Align the child with like-minded peers and adults. It is never too early to find a mentor or establish a tribe. Helping children find other gifted peers with similar interests, as well as adult role models, can help them develop a healthy approach to self-actualization (Cross, 2010; Renzulli, 2012). These relationships can be the foundation required to work through periods of existential depression and manage emotional intensity.
3. Engage in open dialogue and safe spaces. The world can be a scary place for our gifted children. This is especially true once a child begins to experience an existential crisis. All too often, the crisis is greeted with a silencing or distancing response instead of open communication. Gifted children need someone they can talk to when they are worried about their future. They need guidance to work through their extreme emotions and beliefs, a life coach. The emotional coaching will provide the structure necessary for these children as they strengthen the positive aspects of their intensity.
4. Encourage the exploration of interests and passion projects. Gifted children often have many interests. Allow ample time for them to develop these interests and explore the world and their passions. If your children have a wide range of interests, allow them to deeply examine them. Try to avoid “niche” thinking – many gifted children are renaissance people, with a full and deep range of abilities and interests.
5. Engage in service projects as a family or class. Gifted children often derive significant meaning and purpose from engaging in service-related activities. Engage in some of these as a family. Encourage acts of service. This may help feed your children’s need to give of themselves as part of how they find meaning.

Intensity is not a bad thing in and of itself. Intensity is passion—the kind of passion necessary for creation and innovation; the type of passion sorely needed on the planet now. Intensity, especially emotional intensity, is not the problem for our gifted youth. instead, how the child copes with his or her intensity can be a problem. Utilizing some of the strategies discussed throughout the series can go a long way to helping both kids and adults embrace the intensity and recognize it for what it is – the superpower every gifted child has at his or her disposal. Welcoming intensity, and helping it develop into this superpower, is the best gift we can give our kids; now and in the future.

Physical Manifestations of Emotional Intensity:

Emotional intensity isn’t only about our emotional reactions to events. There are biological aspects to emotional intensity as well. For many gifted individuals, extreme emotions manifest as a collection of physiological responses to stress. Stomachaches, headaches, heart palpitations, and anxiety-like behaviors are all common in emotional intensity (Fonseca, 2015a; Peterson, 2006).

For some of our gifted youth, the physical aspects of emotional intensity are misinterpreted as an anxiety disorder or panic attack. Although the outward symptoms are similar, the internal origins have less to do with a mental health concern and more to do with the everyday aspects of what it means to be gifted. When these symptoms are misdiagnosed, the responses can be inappropriate, resulting in more adverse outcomes (Webb et al., 2007). Gifted individuals may be receiving medication for a collection of symptoms that are actually “normal” within the context of giftedness. Of course, you can certainly have a mental health condition like anxiety or depression that warranted medicinal intervention. But it is vital to make sure you are not trying to medicate out of behaviors and feelings that are “normal” with the scope of giftedness.

It is essential for parents and educators to help gifted children understand all aspects of emotional intensity, including some of these common physical reactions, and teach gifted children how to manage their response to emotional intensity. Take some time to understand how you or your children react to intense emotions. Do you get headaches or stomach pains? Are you hypersensitive to sugar, white flour, or caffeine? Do you react strongly to bright lights, particular tones of music, or the way things feel on your skin? All of this could point to the physical aspect of you or your children’s emotional intensity.

While these physical attributes may seem like a hassle, they are merely the ways your biology is reacting to the intensity of your thoughts and feelings. Making peace with your reactions, and teaching your children to do the same, can enable all of you to learn specific strategies that can help turn the annoyance into a powerful tool of understanding. You and your children can learn to listen to the needs of your body, interpreting your somatic responses as cues to your emotions that may need your attention.

5 Tips to Harness the Somatic Power of Your Emotions:

The following five tips can help you and your children harness the somatic power of your emotional intensity:

1. Teach and emphasize healthy lifestyle choices. Gifted children need to learn balance at an early age, including how to balance lifestyle choices. Learning to incorporate healthy food, adequate rest, a balance between work and play, and physical outlets or exercise is vital in learning to regulate the physical aspects of emotional intensity. Without this balance, gifted children can experience worsening symptoms of their intensity as sugar, and refined carbohydrates contribute to emotional reactions, and lack of sleep can increase outward expressions of frustration (Fonseca, 2011).
2. Teach mindfulness. Whether using a model of meditation or prayer, or a more secular version of mindfulness, it is essential that children learn to become fully aware of the moment, as well as conscious of internal states. Teaching gifted youth to regularly pause in their busy lives and mentally check-in, increasing their awareness of the moment and determining their current state of being, can result in an increased ability to manage their emotional state. The knowledge creates the space needed to recognize when they are out of balance and make corrections. It also enables them to learn to manage their physical reactions to things; something defined more in the next tip (Fonseca, 2015b).
3. Use biofeedback and similar strategies to manage physical symptoms. As gifted children become more self-aware, they are more able to learn to manage their physical responses to emotional events. Techniques like biofeedback allow children to learn to purposefully control their physiological reactions. Neuro-feedback trains the brain similarly. Both options can be beneficial as gifted children learn to harness the positive aspects of their emotional intensity and mitigate the more negative issues associated with these attributes.
4. Journal. Teach children to track their physical reactions to the world and their emotions. By logging this information, gifted children—and you, as the parent—can spot patterns of response to a variety of emotions. For example, maybe your child reacts harshly to changes in routine when he or she is tired, yelling and becoming rigid in response to the change. By recognizing this pattern, and where it “lives” in the body, children can learn to change their response by “breathing” into that place in the body and releasing tension. The release of pressure will then bring a change in their emotional state. By journaling about their somatic states, children can begin to develop response and emotional flexibility.
5. Develop a self-compassion practice. Neff (2003), is a pioneer in the research of self-compassion, or the ability to practice kindness and compassion for oneself. In her work, she identifies three components of self-compassion: self-kindness, mindfulness, and humanity. She recognized the mind-body connection with self-compassion. Developing self-compassion skills using mindfulness activities (i.e/. love-and-kindness meditations), as well as learning to identify yourself in others, and others in yourself, are all keys to understanding emotional intensity, the mind-body connection and harnessing the potential positive power within it all.

Emotional intensity has the power to be you and your children’s greatest strength. As we conclude the series next week, I will examine the potential of strength-based practices. Until then, how does your emotional intensity show up in your physical reactions to the world? How does it impact your children’s physical selves?

Extreme empathy is a typical characteristic of the social-emotional development of gifted youth (Hébert, 2011). Gifted youth not only sympathize with others to a great extent, but they can be easily hurt by others and are highly self-critical if they unintentionally hurt others.

Although empathy is a beautiful attribute, there are some unintended adverse outcomes of this aspect of emotional intensity when gifted individuals have not yet matured their skills. Gifted children may overreact to others, allowing the emotional context of situations to trigger their own emotional mood swings (Piechowski, 1997). Furthermore, youth may become entrenched in the emotional lives of their friends, taking on the problems of others and struggling to differentiate their issues from those of their friends. This can leave them emotionally vulnerable and reactive to the natural ebb and flow of friendships and the social contexts of life (Fonseca, 2015a).

5 TIPS TO ADDRESS EXTREME EMPATHY – There are several things parents and educators can do to assist gifted youth as they learn to embrace their emotional intensity and manage the often misunderstood negative impact and emotional distress that comes with extreme empathy. The list below includes the most high-leverage interventions that can help with this aspect of emotional intensity.

1. Teach children to discern situations. Whether it’s learning to distinguish between a friend’s problem and their own or learning to discern between various stressful situations, gifted children need to master the skill of perception and begin to differentiate their environment. Learning to tell which problems they need to solve and when to believe their internal chatter are both valuable tools gifted children may develop to manage their emotional responses to the world. The more we can help children with this process, the more rapidly they can learn this vital skill.
2. Normalize emotional intensity. Gifted children are acutely aware of the negative aspects of emotional intensity and how different this intensity is from the “norm.” But, viewing emotional intensity as a negative trait only makes gifted children react more negatively to life. It is vital for the adults to emphasize the positive aspects of emotional intensity. Also, it is essential for gifted individuals to recognize that they are intense by nature—that feeling deeply for others is typical for them. Normalization of this aspect of intensity helps make the adverse elements manageable without triggering additional negative responses.
3. Help gifted children develop coping strategies, especially relaxation and mindfulness. Children need to learn coping strategies as a way to manage behavior. This is particularly true with our gifted children. The more they can learn strategies for relaxing, taking a mindful minute in which they acclimate themselves to the moment and become aware of their emotional chatter and internal state, the more they will learn to flow with their intensity instead of fighting against it and increasing the negative response.
4. Focus on supporting the development of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) overall. Development of balanced empathy relies on the development of all of your emotional intelligence skills, including cognitive skills like attention, executive functioning and inhibition, as well as social and emotional processing, like emotional regulation and social awareness. The more developed and integrated these skills, the more able you are to discern when your empathy is causing emotional distress. Look for everyday moments to build up your child’s EQ skills to help them harness the power of their intensities.
5. Discover and develop your child’s strengths. There has been a lot of exciting research in the areas of strengths development. One of the key findings is the correlation between strengths-based practices and life satisfaction. The more we develop and use our strengths, the more satisfied we feel in life. Your child’s capacity for empathy is likely a key strength. Look for new ways he or she can use it in everyday life. Then call it out when you see it. This will help you continue to reframe intensities in a positive light and help your child begin to develop a strengths-based practice. All of this will help balance and prevent the potential emotional distress that can come with under-developed empathy skills.

Dealing with extreme empathy can be a challenge. But empathy is something we certainly need more of in today’s world. Hopefully, these tips can help you guide your child to the development of healthy empathy.

Next time we’ll address the mind/body connection of emotional intensity.

How do you help children develop empathy without becoming emotionally enmeshed in others?

But what is emotional intensity in gifted children? Ask any parent or educator of a gifted child to describe what it means to be gifted, and you’ll get a large variety of answers. Words like tenacious, bright, and thoughtful come to mind, alongside perfectionistic and rigid. Perhaps the best way to describe gifted individuals is intense, concerning both their cognitive prowess and their emotional development.

The intensity that commonly defines giftedness refers to how a gifted person approaches his or her life. At its best, most-developed attribute, the intensity is the passion that drives people to achieve and produce amazing feats in any domain, a modern superpower. At its most immature state, the intensity is the turmoil that often consumes gifted people, creating many of the self-defeating behaviors they exhibit (Fonseca, 2015a; Sword, 2005).

Intensity can impact a variety of areas of a person’s life, from the way one approaches problem-solving and cognitive reasoning to the depth of emotions he or she exhibits. Cognitive intensity, those aspects of thinking and processing information, relates to the attributes of focus, sustained attention, creative problem solving, and advanced reasoning skills many gifted individuals exhibit (Hébert, 2011). Most people consider cognitive intensity a primary feature of giftedness and equate it to “being smart”—a positive thing.

Intensity has another side. Just as gifted individuals display intense patterns of thinking, they also demonstrate intense emotions. Emotional intensity refers to the passion gifted people feel on a daily basis; the way they interact with the world. It also relates to the extreme highs and lows many gifted individuals experience throughout their lifetime, causing them to question their mental sanity (Fonseca, 2015a; Sword, 2002). This type of intensity is often the most problematic for gifted children and the parents and educators who work with them. The attributes of emotional intensity can result in a range of behavioral outbursts that are internal (e.g., moodiness, anxiety, depression) or external (e.g., tantrums, verbal aggression, physical aggression).

Helping gifted children to harness the power of emotional intensity in its most productive and mature state requires both an understanding of the specific attributes and the problems that can manifest, as well as the specific interventions that can support the healthy development of each domain. Let’s start with understanding the most common attribute of emotional intensity:

EXTREME EMOTIONS – Perhaps the most frequently noted attribute of emotional intensity is the extreme emotions sometimes demonstrated by the gifted individual. Emotional swings between positive (very happy) and negative (very sad) happen at an ever-quickening pace, often leaving the child, parent, and educator at a loss to manage the changing emotional landscape (Fonseca, 2015a; Sword, 2002).

The adverse aspects of the emotional range will often include internalized feelings of sadness, stress, and anxiety and externalized feelings of frustration and rage.

Furthermore, mood swings are easily misinterpreted as a mental health condition. Gifted children, especially when they are young, may be viewed as emotionally volatile, with extremely poor emotional self-control. Although this is true, the cause is seldom a mental health disorder (Webb et al., 2007). More often, the source of discomfort is the emotional intensity without the needed coping tools to manage the emotional swings (Sword, 2006).

Extreme emotions needn’t be a negative thing. When developed and balanced with emotional intelligence (EQ), strong feelings can also create more profound levels of empathy and compassion, increase the depth of relationships with others, and provide increased motivation and drive. The key is learning how to improve one’s awareness of emotions and the ability to regulate emotions.

5 TIPS TO ADDRESS EXTREME EMOTIONS – There are several things parents and educators can do to assist gifted youth as they learn to embrace their emotional intensity and manage the extreme emotions. The list below includes the most high-leverage interventions that can help with this aspect of emotional intensity.

1. Teach an emotional vocabulary. Gifted children need to develop a vocabulary to discuss their emotional selves; however, educators and parents often assume this is an organic process, requiring little intervention. The more adults can intentionally teach children about complex emotions, the more a gifted child will be able to discuss and eventually manage his or her behaviors.
2. Teach children the connection between thoughts, feelings, and actions. Gifted children are great at figuring out puzzles. Now it’s time for them to learn to figure out the mystery of their behaviors. By showing them how thoughts create feelings and feelings drive behaviors, our children can learn to take control of each part of the cycle.
3. Teach children about their escalation cycles. It is challenging for people to control something when they lack an awareness of it. This is particularly true with emotional self-regulation. For gifted children to adjust their emotional reactions, they must first become aware of how they respond to their emotions. The more they can understand how their body and mind react to emotional swings, the more they can learn to anticipate and regulate their reactions.
4. Understand your own escalation cycle. Gifted kids are adept at pushing a teacher’s or parent’s buttons. Recognizing the catalysts that trigger an adverse reaction will enable others to remain calm during emotional outbursts, no matter how the behavior appears.
5. Reframe how we view emotional intensity. We live in a world that gives the message that anything “intense” is likely wrong. Emotions, in particular, are seen from this perspective. But what would happen if we began to use different words for emotional intensity. What if we viewed the emotions as indicative of passion and purpose? As we reframe our understanding of emotional intensity and help children to do the same, we can begin to see the strengths of extreme emotions. This is the first key to making emotional intensity our superpower.

Next week, I continue with this conversation by looking extreme empathy.

How do you help children manage their strong emotions? In what ways are their extreme feelings a strength?

Today’s Monday Motivation is about resilience. Defined as the ability to bounce back after a set back, resilience is an ever-increasingly important quality as life becomes more and more complex.

Today’s quote from Carl Jung speaks to your ability to choose your thoughts and actions, even if you can’t choose what life throws your way. I’d love to hear your thoughts about his quote and resiliency in general.