The Myth of the Broken Home - Guidebook for Single Parents

Author, Single Mom April Gabrielle´ Falls Victim to Chula Vista Realtor’s Retaliation

2012-01-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

Date: January 14, 2012

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Earlier this evening a Chula Vista realtor cut the power lines and stole the electric box to rental home of notable author April Gabrielle´. Gabrielle says, “My daughter and I could not believe what we saw. We opened the electric box and all of the switches were gone, wires cut clean. Then my daughter noticed that the other box with the lock was open and the power line was cut as well.”

Later Gabrielle´ contacted the Chula Vista Police Department to file a report, “I do know as a tenant that I have rights and plan to file charges. The officer who came out to take my statement told me that the neighbors in the community were upset because of my landlords Prudent Constituents Association (PCA) being scams. What does this have to do with me or my children? What if I had a sick parent or child in the house requiring electricity? ” It’s uncertain if a police report was taken because the officer left for another call and after waiting for a lengthy time she returned home with her daughter.

Gabrielle says, “On the eve of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday I’m hoping this has nothing to do with race, knowing how hard Dr. King struggled for equal rights of everyone regardless of ethnicity or economic status. I mean who would stoop so low and commit such an act to anyone, let alone a single parent. As a native San Diegan, I have been a proud resident of Chula Vista for over 25 years and was preparing to become a volunteer of C.A.S.T. My son, a Cellular Molecular Biology major attended Bonita High School and a student of the first Juvenile Police Academy here. My daughter is a dual language honors student who in 2009 was recognized by the mayor and city council as one of three top teen readers in the city Chula Vista.

After hearing the ambivalent news reports on local television about another PCA tenant who was evicted from her home, Gabrielle´ questioned her landlord and checked county records to verify ownership of the property. “My lease is clean. I would never put my children in this type of a situation. This is not the doing of PCA. This is retaliation from angry realtors against them in the East Lake community. My landlord told me about a local realtor admitting to this same illegal activity at the home of another tenant. Are you kidding me? This has escalated from the neighbors harassing behavior; taking photos of us, the landlord and our vehicles while previewing a rental last week.”

“I have traveled and heard of places where these acts occur, however I never thought I would experience this in a city I’ve come to love and raise my two children. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that my children were exposed to this behavior. Better yet, how many other single parents are experiencing this? Now I plan to join alliances and tell the world about this until somebody listens and steps up to make a change”, says April.

Contact: Ms. Gabrielle´
info@nobrokenhome.com

A Child Molester Taught Me This

2011-11-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

What a sad state of affairs for single moms today when so many look to respected men in the community to assist with socializing and rearing their children, particularly boys. With the latest sexual molestation scandals at Penn State, the Atlanta based mega church and the painstaking memory of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. It’s obvious that as single moms we need to be more assertive in order to protect our children.

As a single mom with an adult son and a teen daughter I never allowed any one adult to socialize with my children without my guidance or presence. If it were sports, school activities, or rehearsals, I was in the car waiting, watching or participating. It never mattered to me what others had to say because when it’s all said and done taking these precautions outweigh the long term risk of being victimized. So, “No you can’t pick up my child, I will drive them.” “Yes I want to come to your home and see whose there.” I exhibited the same behavior at church as well because as the Apostle Peter stated in a biblical context after a man bowed down to him, “Peter took him up, saying, Stand up; I myself also am a man.”

Single moms we are not obligated to give these men free reign over our children just because they are in positions of authority. In The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents “Strangers” are obvious, but “Strange Nots” are very familiar to children. They normally include those people who are around our children everyday including family members, teachers, preachers, male friends and maybe even us. These are people our children should be able to trust, but we know it’s not always so. Children should apply some of the same protective techniques as with strangers.

In the late 80’s while pursuing an MA degree in Human Behavior at National University in San Diego, California my Contemporary Issues in Sexuality professor’s assignment entailed conducting research pertaining to developmental sexuality. Thus I decided to interview a child molester, first to review the offender’s rationale and second to understand the manipulation used upon our children to enact the crime.

After my initial contact with the Department of Corrections, I made arrangements with the molester to meet at his home where he resided with his mother. My friends thought I was crazy, but I told them, “He doesn’t want me.” Upon entering his home through the back gate (his mom let me in) I found them both to be quite pleasant and hospitable. After taking a seat on the couch she asked, “Are you OK if I leave?” “Yes” I responded”. He allowed me to tape our interview and my ears heard things that I never thought my brain could conceive nor reason with. Concepts such as how he chose his victims. How he made them feel guilty once they became engaged in the relationship. How it impacted his family and so much more. I also asked him very detailed questions pertaining to his own sexuality and how he came to offend.

Considering the interview coupled with my research and education I have learned that child molesters have very specific predatory skills much like many criminals. They are determined choices as to how they choose their victim. The following are seven tips developed to equip and empower you to circumvent your children from being victims.

Monitor your child’s interaction with strangers – As a child my son was a very personable child, so it wasn’t uncommon for strangers to talk to him. He’s always been very articulate and always smiling. One day while we were riding the trolley a man spoke to my son offering him a nickel. My heart fell to my stomach when my son smiling accepted the money. I thought, “He still doesn’t get it, and I need to take advantage of this now and use this as a teaching moment.” I turned to my son, “Jamal, what are you supposed to do?” He reached his hand out for the man to take his money back. But, the man did not understand what my son was doing so I explained, “He is not allowed to take anything from strangers and the only way I can teach him is while he is engaged in t he act. Regardless of your kindness, you are a stranger so please take your money back so he can learn.” In an understanding manner, the man reached and took the nickel out of my son’s hand. Afterwards, my son pretty much got it, and I can’t remember ever having to revisit this with him again.

Never, ever, never invite the men you meet into your home - You must be just as cautious for your own safety because it’s not just about you anymore. You have to consider your children during the process of making a decision as whether or not you should hook up too soon with the person you just met. Ohhhhhhh, I don’t know how to stress this enough! What is the problem? I just don’t understand it! Your children need to know that their home is their safe haven, a place for them to find comfort and love. You know it’s like the place you want to be where the outside world cannot enter all the comforts of home. If you’ve happened to develop a friendship with a male, spend time with him outside your home. Meet him at a restaurant if you have to. If you don’t have a car, then catch a bus, or have him meet you at a nearby shopping center. And along with that, stop allowing men to pick you up on the streets. You do not know anything about these men. Stop it!

Moms, remember, your children are not for sale. Their emotional and physical well being is much more important than paying the gas and electric bill or even the rent. If you go against what’s best for your children and allow others to disrespect their home, you will create a vicious cycle that will haunt you and them for a lifetime.

Know the whereabouts of your children at all times – One part of the interview resonates in my mind. Through my research these casing techniques are used by most criminals. The offender said he looked for children that seemed like nobody cared. Children who were out past dusk and no one came looking for them and children that cruise the neighborhood with different friends looking to belong. I have seen many parents send their children outside and never check on them. They allow their teens to roam the streets without any supervision because they do not want to be bothered.

Discuss “the body” with your children as early as possible - Let them know that their body belongs to them and NO ONE has the right to touch them in any way which makes them feel uncomfortable. I don’t care if it’s their knee, arm, or foot. If you do not want them to touch you, tell them so. This includes YOU as their mother, father, or guardian. You want your children to feel a sense of ownership, possessing something that belongs to them and only them. Use real words when describing body parts. Call it what it is and use words that are familiar to the two of you. You have to teach your children to be open with you. This is a very vital aspect of communication. Once they experience how genuine you are with communicating with them, they will not hold back opening up to you in the future.

If I am not there for you to ask, the answer is no - Do you understand how this simple rule can alleviate any problems? It’s simple, and it already makes the decision for the child. It takes the pressure of uncertainty away from the child. They are not allowed to go anywhere with anyone if you are not there for them to ask. The answer is NO! That even includes family. It’s not enough to tell your children not to take things from strangers, but tell your children not to take anything from anyone. Using this method of instruction will never be confusing for them and it’s consistent. “If I am not there for you to ask me, the answer is no. This pertains to everything. No, you can’t go. No, you can’t have it, and No, you can’t play with it.” Once this rule is established, your children will have confidence, and if it’s something they really want to do, they will find a way to contact you or wait until they see you.

Always maintain a password that only you and your child will know - This should be a phrase or a word that only the two of you will recognize and use throughout their life. As your children grow, you will need to remind them about the password and when it should be used.

Use trusting men in your life as deterrents to possible threats – I know this sounds like a contradiction however if you have close male relatives or friends that you can trust, someone who you have known and has your back don’t be afraid to ask them to come by your residence every now and then to show their presence. Being a single mom can be scary sometimes and there were times while raising my children that I became uncomfortable with unsavory characters lurking around or men who were just too friendly in the neighborhood. I summons my brothers to come over and spend some time around the house. Sometimes they would bring friends and casually sit outside on the front on lawn at various times of different days during the week.

Single moms it’s unfortunate that many of us are exhausted and sometimes burdened, but life does not come with any guarantees, thus we must do our best to dot our “i’s” and cross our “t’s” and to do everything within our ability to protect our children.

Discipline and the Single Parent: Taming the Tongue

2011-08-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

It seems as though children today have become more comfortable with verbally disrespecting their parents, and with single parenthood, we cannot risk a breakdown in communication. Once that’s gone, you’ve just about lost the relationship. But, before I go any further, let me make sure we have an understanding as to what we mean by the Tongue. The tongue is the most important part of communication. Although we know that body language plays a huge part in communication as well, the tongue is an indication of what’s going on inside and can take on many forms; some are not so pleasant. An untamed tongue will disrespect you as a parent with its tone and the words it uses at you and others. The tongue is demanding and will tell you what it will and will not do. Again, whoever initiated the trend advising parents to allow their children to talk back did not consider the possible negative effects of such behavior, nor did they offer a manual instructing parents how to process it, especially when it becomes sassy and disrespectful. Here is a perfect example of a situation with an acquaintance, Yvette, and her ten year-old daughter, Monique. It was the two of them, me and my two children, and another girlfriend, Anita.

While taking a quick leisure trip out of town with the kids, we decided to eat dinner before returning home. Now let me notify you in advance that because of the disrespectful tone I heard Monique using with her mother earlier on the trip that in order to control my tongue, I purposely kept my distance and sat at the far end of the table between my two children, Ta’mara and Jamal. Anita, Yvette, and Monique were at the other end of the table. We were looking over our menus trying to make a decision when I overheard a conversation between Yvette and her daughter, Monique.
“Moma, I want this dinner platter.
”Yvette looked over at her daughter’s selection,“No, Monique that is too big and you are not going to eat it all.”
Monique started whining, “Ahhhhhh, Moma.”

“Get something from the kid’s menu.”

“No, I want the dinner platter. No, no,” Monique responded whining and starting to cry.

Ta’mara tries to help, “Monique why don’t you get something from the kids’ menu? Your mom is right, that is a little too big for you, and even I wouldn’t get that.”

Slouching down in her seat, arms folded and whining. Monique squints her eyes at her mom in a rude manner.

“Fine. Then if I can’t get the dinner platter, then I just won’t eat.”

“If Monique doesn’t want to eat, then don’t feed her. If she asks for something to eat later, don’t give it to her,” says Anita.

Monique continues to whine, moan, and act disrespectful. Yvette is getting pretty frustrated with her behavior.

“Monique do you want me to take you to the bathroom?”
“Why? I don’t have to use it.” “You should not let her talk to you that way,” says Anita. Whew! Finally, the door is open for me to reinforce Anita’s suggestion. But, then all of a sudden Yvette says, “Yea, I know, but since I’ve been divorced.” Once I heard this I shut down and tuned out.

Now, three things occurred here that were very obvious. First, Monique was not use to her mother disciplining her in public because if she were, she would have immediately taken heed to her mother’s instruction and hushed her mouth and she definitely would not have answered her in that manner. Secondly, Monique began crying because she couldn’t have her way, not because she really wanted the dinner platter. OK, you see, if it were me, it would have been over for Monique. Third, the mother is parenting out of guilt, which is what many single parents do, especially those coming out of a divorce. I’m thinking, Heeeeeere we go with the excuses. Why is she sending her daughter that message of a lowly divorced,single mother, without a husband, therefore I am not worthy to know how to discipline my children on my own? Lordy, Lordy, where is Madea when you need her?

There are several reasons children are unable to control their tongue. Sometimes it’s due to unresolved anger. Remember, the uncontrolled tongue does not appear out of the blue. Eventually children reach a level of comfort with you, the parent, and your words fall upon deaf ears. This is not to say your children are not allowed to speak or ask you questions while you’re giving instructions. But there is a time and a way.

Sometimes the tone of a child’s voice concludes, “You can’t tell me what to do.” Another example as to when a child disrespects his or her parent with their tongue is when they refuse to use it. When you ask your child a question and they refuse to answer or not respond at all. This is also very disrespectful. When I hear parents describe this situation, I’m thinking, "What is that all about?” Whenever my children did this, I would ask, “Didn’t I ask you a question? Don’t we speak the same language? I know you heard me, didn’t you?” The tongue needs constant intervention from you as a parent. Slack off and watch it develop a mind of its own. So parents it’s your job to make sure that there’s always a connection between your child’s tongue and his or her brain because once you’ve allowed it to perform at a certain level, you will have a lot of work on your hands and I doubt that you’ll get back to the level of respect you once had. The way your children use their tongue with you speaks volumes of how they feel about you. It’s a true testimony of how much respect they have for you, and it’s an assumption to what behavioral problems you will encounter in the future. Here are some basic how -to instructions. Use them.

If your child back talks or speaks to you disrespectfully - In a firm calm tone, call their name, “Miguel, what did you say? OK, let’s try this again.” Call their name again, “Miguel?” Give your child a chance to answer as you check for a change in the tone of their voice, making sure he responds respectfully. Now you can continue with the conversation.

If you want a permanent change, you must work on your child’s behavior daily. Don’t avoid conversations; instigate communication. Remember the big “C” word, Consistency. The length of time depends upon

(This is a sample - get the rest of the instructions by purchasing your copy of The Myth of the Broken Home today!)

California 'Parent Empowerment' law - Parents Stop Depending on the Schools to Educate Your Children”

2011-07-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

Recently the California Board of Education approved a new set of regulations “The Parent Empowerment law (SBX54)” that will give parents more control to compel changes to low-performing public schools. According to the Orange County Register, “The "parent trigger" rules will allow a majority of parents at low-performing schools to petition school districts for major changes that include adding intervention programs, removing the principal, replacing staff, converting the campus to a charter, or closing the school altogether.”

State Schools Chief Tom Torlakson is correct when he says, "Parent involvement is essential to the success of our students.” However, it doesn’t take an official mandate to make that happen and a lot of people will be fooled when they find this out.

What’s the difference between low performing and high performing schools? Parental involvement! Parental demands and high expectations! Why do we as parents need the California School Board to acknowledge us or give us anything to be effective advocates for our children’s education?

I’m afraid that too many parents continue to rely upon the schools to educate their children. Now I’m not claiming that you refuse to send your child to school, nor should you dismiss your expectation of the teacher doing an effective job. This simply means that you too have a responsibility by showing up on parent night, volunteering at the school, setting up school at home, following up with your children’s homework every day. I have vivid memories in pre-school and watching my mother volunteer in the class room. I also attended a high school in one of the most disadvantaged neighborhoods in California and had excellent teachers as role models but I also received support from home.

Some parents only show up at school when their kids are in trouble. How many parents have seen inside the principal’s office without being summoned? I have witnessed schools do everything in their power, with the exception of giving money to families to get them to attend school affairs. Statistics have concluded that students whose parents are actively involved in their education perform better in school. Do you want to know why, because they are still trying to impress us as parents!

Chapter 4 “Creating Independent Learners” and “Stop Depending on Schools to Educate Your Children” in “The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents” offers essential tools to help parents advocate on behalf of their kids. Here are a few valuable tips for you:

Inquire about homework daily - If your children respond with “I don’t have any homework,” get an explanation. “Why not?” “I finished it in school.” “Ok, since it’s not due until tomorrow, bring it home so I can see it before it’s turned in.” If they don’t, apply consequences. Inquire about the homework.

Make your child read daily - What is going on in your home when you can’t take the time to make your children read? I did not say encourage, I said MAKE them, and it will always be a part of their lives. It costs you nothing, not even your time while they read at least 20-30 minutes per day, and yes, even outside of school as well. This is one of those rules where there are no options.

Locate someone who can assist your children - If you can’t do it, then find someone who can. Most of the time, the best thing we can do is to pick up a phone and let our fingers do the walking. Call someone and ask a few questions. Don’t be afraid to exchange contact information with parents or teachers.

Conduct an inspection of your child's backpack - Pull out books, notebooks, etc. This is especially effective with disorganized children. When your children come home from school and are in downtime mode, sit in front of them, take the backpack, and pull out the books, papers, etc.

Take your children on a field trip to the local university - This experience can be magical for children. When they are younger, they are in awe as they walk around watching all the college students, checking out the labs and the classrooms.

Check up on the school - California schools are required to provide an Accountability Report card and detailed test scores available to the public. Yes, we can assume that because a school is part of a high economic community that the curriculum will be much better than across town where they have to struggle just to get books and have clean restrooms, etc.

Attend activities and volunteer at the school - At my daughter’s school, parents are required to volunteer for 30 hours during the school year in order for the children to attend. I think it’s an excellent idea, but at the same time it’s a shame that this has to be demanded. I know it can be hard as a single parent to attend each and every meeting that the school has, especially if you work and have other children. (In California since 1995, the Family- School Partnership Act (Labor Code Section 230.8) was implemented where employers must allow parents time off to volunteer at their children’s school during school hours, up to 40 hours per year per child)).

Make surprise visits to your children’s class - This becomes more necessary as your children become older. But let’s stop for a moment. This is not to monitor your children unless they are having behavioral problems in school.

If we plan to make drastic changes in our communities, our government, and our schools we must start at home.

One Family at a time

One Child to make a difference

April Gabrielle’ is a proud single mother of two, one her son, a Cellular Molecular Biology major, and a teen daughter who is an exceptional student and functionally bilingual in English and Spanish. She holds a Bachelor in Business Administration, a Master of Arts in Human Behavior and completed coursework in Master of Education. April received training as a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA), has counseled single parents and teens, including those residing in juvenile residential detention facilities.

For more information visit www.nobrokenhome.com to contact April Gabrielle’ author of “The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents”.

For more information about “The Parent Empowerment law (SBX5 4)

http://www.cde.ca.gov/nr/ne/yr11/yr11rel31.asp

Where’s the Honor in Child Visitation and Custody

2011-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

Can somebody please tell me where the honor in Child Visitation and Custody is? What are the courts thinking about when they enforce this upon single parent homes? They may think they know what’s in the best interest of our children but it’s not always so. Who forces a child to do something when he or she is being treated so horribly? As I mention in The Myth of the Broken Home, “Everyone thinks they are doing the child a favor by involving the courts with their cookie cutter visitation schedule, one shared by everyone in this country. You are not treated on a case by case basis in the family courts, which is why I recommend avoiding the court system for visitation at all costs. This is what churches, synagogues and temples should be used for. The family courts do not have all the answers, and if at all possible, try to work out a reasonable visitation plan between you and the non-custodial parent.

There are ways for single parents to remain positive even when the non-custodial parent wants no part of the child’s life. Unfortunately, not even the courts can force a non-custodial parent to see their child. In addition, sometimes forcing a child to comply when they are not ready can cause resentment and anger.”

Child Visitation is not a babysitting gig thus the non-custodial parent sometimes treats it as a duty or a chore and the custodial parent can’t wait for that day when the children leave, not because they are so concerned about the children establishing a healthy relationship with the other parent, but many times because they don’t want to be bothered with the kids either.

To be honest, I couldn’t wait until my daughter became older and able to make her own decision as whether or not she wanted to visit with her dad because this allowed me to move out of the freakin way. Let’s not forget my son’s father who often blamed me for our son not wanting to call or visit with him. Little does he know that it was I, who purchased the birthday and fathers day cards, had our son sign and mail them off. I am the one who often encouraged our son to call his father. Why, because it’s the honorable thing to do. Now, with all that said, none of this would have been necessary had his father been more involved in his life which is what I shared with him. Nothing can separate the love between a parent and their child. Love is a verb, hence it’s always receptive so much so that even when folk hurt us we turn around and give em a chance to love us again. This is especially true with our children. It’s obvious that it’s all about L-O-V-E and H-O-N-O-R because the lack of receiving either is the reason we have dysfunctional and wayward kids. The love was never given or reciprocated.

I have to remind parents to be aware of the stress that can enter into the home due to the actions of a non-custodial parent. I remember times when my daughter and I would get into emotional stints because of the actions of her dad not following through. It wasn’t about her defending him and me talking bad about him, that didn’t occur. But, the two of us were obviously acting out to the hurt we were feeling, I became hurt watching her tears dealing with the disappointment. I often debriefed and prayed with my children making sure that we were aware of recognizing other people’s negative energy and to refrain from bringing it into our home. As children I had to remind them that the actions of an adult is not their fault and that the love we have for one another will sustain the bond we have which is bigger and stronger than this stuff.

It’s by any means necessary that my daughter needs to love her father in her way because I had the opportunity to love mine; however it was not hard to bequeath that love upon my father because he deserved to be honored. The difficult feat is teaching your children to honor their mothers and fathers even when they are being humiliated and neglected by them. Honestly, if the parent cannot do right by their child by being a constant presence in their life than its best to stay away because coming in and out of their lives causes more emotional damage than anyone can ever imagine. It’s not fair.

I’ve always wondered why is it so difficult for the neglectful non-custodial parent to follow through with building a relationship with their children. I mean how does one sleep at night? Sometimes I often wonder what percentage of substance abusers are comprised of these non-custodial parents? It’s not natural for a person to forsake his or her seed and how can you expect any good to come into your life unless you do the honors.

Visit www.nobrokenhome.com. Additional reading on “The Non-Custodial Other” in The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents”

1) Child cries due to the non-custodial's lack of involvement

2) Child wants to contact the uninvolved parent

3) Child Support - Don't Take it Personal its Just Business

Don't forget to check out Obama’s Fatherhood Initiative- http://fatherhood.gov/

Parental Involvement Affects Bullying

2011-05-01T02:18:00.000-07:00

With all the latest news about bullying in school it makes one wonder where are the parents and why are they not more involved? Now I'm not speaking only about parents of the perpetrators, because it's obvious there is some dysfunction in the home and we know they are not doing their job as parents.

I have my own theories as to why the victims' parents are not more proactive. One, they may not be aware of their child being subjected to bullying, meaning the communication has broken down somewhere. Second, the parent or the home of the victim is dysfunctional much like the home of the offender and third because the parents themselves suffer from low self esteem. If a mother of a single parent home has a poor self worth, walks around with a "woe is me" disposition, then guess what so will the children. Raising children as a single parent is no joke and it's definitely not the time to start bowing down. As exhausting as it might be we must always remain vigilant to what is going on in our households. I once thought that the only challenge to a single mother was those raising boys. The greatest task is keeping them engaged in positive activities and surrounding them with positive male role models to avoid being enticed into the street life. The same goes for girls as well because they too need the same but this topic will be covered in a later blog.

You! Parents, single mothers, single fathers where are you when your children are being subjected to bullying? Even animals in the wild go through great lengths to protect their young. While raising my son I will never forget how encouraged I was by the story told by retired Detroit Pistons' Guard Isiah Thomas. He spoke very highly about his momma and how protective she was over him and his siblings. He described how a neighborhood gang tried to recruit he and his siblings and when she found out, she came outside with a shotgun and scared them away. Isiah's mom reminded me of how deep a mother’s love is for her children and the risks she would take to secure their safety and well being. However, this does not disregard fathers who feel the same. But there are many fathers who are embarrassed if their sons are being bullied at school and encourage that machismo mentality and many people in our communities embrace the idea that being bullied is a natural progression of development, thinking it builds heart, especially in boys. But, I am here to give all of you a wake up call! Bullying today leads to death and too many of children are living in fear.

Things are definitely not as they were back in the day, growing up in neighborhoods where you had to fight to survive. Girls were forced to fight not only each other but the boys too; either at school or in the neighborhood it was a way of life. Heck I remember when my mother got tired of me coming home from school crying after being bullied by a neighborhood girl and refused to let me in the house until I defended myself.

My son Jamal was in 3rd grade when he had his first encounter with John the bully. Well, everyday my cutie would come home in a timid voice and tell me how John would hit him and the teacher would do nothing. I asked Jamal, “Did you tell the teacher?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
"I dunno,” he answered in a shy voice.
"I will help you take care of this, but first you have to do your part and stop running scared.”

Instruct your child to tell any other authority figure -After your child has told the teacher or another authority figure about being bullied and nothing has been done, then write a note to the teacher explaining the situation,

"Ms. Casey, Jamal has been telling me that John is hitting him on a daily basis. He has also informed me that he has come to you for help and you refuse to do anything. Listen, I have always instructed my son to go to an authority figure first to diffuse the situation. If that doesn’t work, then I would write a letter or contact you myself. If that doesn’t work, then I will come to the school myself prepared to meet you, the principal, Jamal, John and his parents to resolve the situation. If this does not work then Jamal is allowed to defend himself. After the altercation, I will be prepared to meet all parties again. I hope you will do all you can to eliminate this problem.”

Well, it's been a few years since my son was in third grade, however I always taught him not to fight back if he can avoid it. The bigger person is the one who can walk away. The best man, woman or child is the one who can walk away. Now that speaks volumes coming from a person who grew up fighting in the neighborhood and on into my adult years. But before you judge, I didn't start fights nor was I a bully. It was just a way of life.

Parents don't be afraid to go where your child says he or she is being bullied - If it is at school definitely contact a school administrator. If it's when your child is walking to or from school, take the time to walk with them.

As single parents, we cannot ignore any matter that our children try to communicate with us. There is no one else for them to talk to. Listen to everything they have to say. Again, I am not saying allow them to speak whenever they feel like it or to be disruptive, but set up a time for you to have the dialogue.

Keep the communication open - Always have an open door policy with your children. More importantly pay attention to signs of isolation and claims that they are too sick to attend school. Many single parents are quick to abandon their parental responsibility once they become teens.

Although they might appear like adults they are far from that and a parent's involvement is as critical, if not more so during this period of their lives. How confusing it must be for them to feel rejected at this age or at any age. Bill Cosby was right when he said, “Teenagers yearn for structure.” Now, why did he say that? It was all I needed to hear, to reinforce what I was doing as a single mother with my son at the time.

Don't allow your children to bully or tease anyone - Don't allow your children to tease, belittle, or even be a bystander of such behavior. As a bystander your child can be held accountable with the culprit if someone is hurt. Criminal psychologist have labeled this behavior as the "bystander effect" meaning in an emergency situation or when a person is in need of help, the more bystanders around the less likely it is that someone will help.

Yes, it is sad when you’re doing your best to raise your children to be respectable individuals and then there are other parents refusing to do the same. The only way the issues of bullying will be eliminated is if we all do our part and get involved. It's necessary because our children are dying and its not funny.

How to use Whuppins & Spankins as Effective Discipline

2011-03-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from "The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents" chapter Whuppins & Spankins

Although this form of discipline is a controversial one I also believe more people use it than they admit to. I don't know why anyone should be ashamed in admitting so. I am by no means advocating violence nor abuse, and I don’t want anyone reading this to think that its OK to freely hit your children. If you suffered child abuse growing up, you should not use “Whuppins & Spankins” as a form of discipline, however, seek counseling instead. If you are using this form of discipline as your only option and too quickly, you should seek counseling as well. It should be a last resort and the goal is to break the myth of a broken home, not endorse it through negative behavior. Please use it wisely. With that said, I believe the techniques I used as a parent to discipline my children have been effective.

“Mommy, do you know why I love you so much?”

“No, Jamal, why?”

“Because even when you whup me, you still tell me you love me.”

That was my son at 11, and at 18 he says, “How can you stay mad at someone who tells you they love you after they whup you? You are sitting there fuming and crying. Then here she comes. ‘I love you very much, but you need to know that I was not pleased with your behavior.’ Then she goes on talking with you as if nothing ever happened.” Now, I realize it’s possible to raise children without whuppins and spankins. But, where and who those children are, I don’t have a clue. Either I whup you now or visit you in jail later after you hurt someone. And this form of discipline is also not gender biased.

Opponents of whuppins believe in the myth that it’s an act of violence. You know we often hear them say, “Violence begets violence.” There is nothing violent about disciplining a child with a whuppin, nothing violent about tapping that butt, and believe me there is a huge difference between violence and spankins. In all honesty, not giving a licking that keeps on sticking can begat violence because the behavior of disrespect will lead to a lack of respect for you and other figures of authority. Not using whuppins as a deterrent can cause violence, and I’m speaking of children with the absence of respect, who are determined, strong willed, and refuse to follow your instruction.

I probably received no more than five whuppins as a child. I remember my mother tapping me in my room when I was a young girl. The second time, she instructed me to go outside and pick a switch. Until this day, I can’t remember why, but I’m sure I deserved it because it wasn’t in her nature to whup us as children just for the heck of it. I also remember getting my mouth washed out with soap for saying a curse word. It was nasty and humiliating, but I never said another curse word again. Well, at least not as a child and even as an adult not in the presence of my parents. Hey, can I have some credit because I was never whupped by my father, such a patient, calm, and nice man? Now if you were whupped by daddy, then you usually deserved it. The last thing you wanted to happen was for moma to tell daddy that you did something wrong. Remember the chorus from the cartoon, “Wait till your father gets home”?

My brothers were really the only ones on the receiving end of my dad’s lickings. One brother in particular (he knows who he is) seemed to always get his behind tapped by my father. I remember my father coming home to whup my brother and, when he saw him coming with that belt he ran and put on six pairs of superhero underwear to keep from feeling the pain. And you know what? Until this day, I don’t see any of us in prison, violent, knocking over old ladies, being disrespectful to others, or climbing through windows robbing and beating folk. Whuppins, spankings, and butt tappins are not acts of violence, however, beatings are!

Here are some pointers of how I used whuppins and spankins as a form of effective discipline.

Do not spank your children when you are angry - It’s not about you! It’s not about you! It’s not about you! I can’t reiterate this enough. First, calm yourself down. It’s OK to warn your children in advance about the consequences they will face when you calm down. “I need to calm down right now, but I am going to whup you.” Also, let’s say you’ve calmed down and can’t find a reason to whup your children. Then guess what? The whuppin was more about satisfying your anger and not disciplining your child. If what your child did was so disturbing that they truly deserved the whuppin, you will have no problem applying the discipline with a cool head. If you are very angry, ask your children to remove themselves.
Do not spank, or whup a child two and under for any reason - Listen, I am not talking about whuppin two year olds or 12 year olds and above. If the actions of a toddler can upset you to the point that you feel the need to whup them or apply any physical force upon them, you are not ready to be a parent. You are too immature, and you need to get some help!
2-4 years: Use open fingers
4 - 8 years: Use open hand - Feel free to use your hand to swat on the butt a few times or spank some legs. Only from the waist down. Put the child over your knee and spank that butt. Some believe a paddle or other objects are OK to use, I do not advocate this.
8 - 12 years: Hopefully by the time the child reaches this age, there will be little need for a this form of discipline. Tap the butt or legs.
12 years & up: Stop! Do not lay a hand on your children at this stage of development. Anger and resentment begins to set in. By this time you should have established a bonding relationship with your child and weaned off the physical discipline. You should be conversing with your children and taking time to help them work through your expectations. Also at this age, there are many other forms of discipline that will get their attention besides laying hands on them.

For further instructions purchase at www.nobrokenhome.com

Ten Single Parent Strategies to Help Children Succeed in School

2011-02-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

One of the most important objectives that you want your children to gain from their education is to become independent, responsible learners. Your goal is to develop a partnership, guiding them towards ownership.

1) Pre-plan your child’s education - Don’t wait until your children are in middle or senior high school to decide what school you want them to attend. Start planning for their educational career while they are attending elementary school. Your school might offer programs of interest to your child at other schools.

2) Check up on the school – Schools are required to provide an Accountability Report card and detailed test scores available to the public. Don’t be afraid to ask your school for a copy.

3) Acquire additional educational materials and other supplies - Try to obtain educational materials that are a step above what your child is currently learning. For example, if your child is in the second grade and learning double digit addition, subtraction and decimals, don’t be afraid to challenge them by purchasing materials one grade level up, maybe something teaching single digit multiplication problems. Remember you are not forcing your children to do the work, just give it to them real casual like, maybe in their leisure time.

Take your children with you to acquire educational workbooks from 99-cent stores, thrift stores, discount stores, the library, the computer, friends, etc. If you can’t afford to purchase any of these items, attend your local library; ask other parents and copy pages from workbooks, reading materials, to create your own educational activity packets. If you have access to a computer find copy and print worksheets online.

4) The games we play - Games can be fun while serving as a useful tool to help your child’s understanding with many subjects. Most games help your children to relax without being aware that they are learning and they expand their mind beyond the everyday phases of simple memorization. Have fun with your children while they learn. The traditional games that really help with math are Monopoly©, Life©, most card games especially spades, and dominoes (which I still haven’t mastered). An excellent game to increase vocabulary is Scrabble©. Games such as Trivia Pursuit© help with history. Playing charades is good because children have to think vividly. If the children cannot comprehend the answer, they might have a difficult time acting it out. For toddlers, games like, The Matching Game, Chutes and Ladders©, and of course, for card games, “Spoons.” Let’s not forget 52 pickup. Ha! Ha!

5) Acquire the homework schedule from your child’s teacher - All teachers should have either a weekly daily homework schedule. Make sure you keep a file to put it in or post it on the wall in your child’s room so you both can review it throughout the week.

6) Schedule a certain time of the day for your children to complete their homework - The perfect time of the day is usually within the first hour once the children arrive home from school. Allow time for a snack, a few minutes to unwind and talk about their day, then cut to the chase. Don’t allow conversations to drag on, whining, and complaining to precedent of the task. If the children are exhausted, a nap is cool. However, check out the homework to see how much needs to be completed. If it’s quite a lot, you might even ask them to do as much as they can before taking a nap.

7) Establish a place for them to do their homework - The location should be in a place away from everyone else in the house if possible. It’s OK if the children want to find a location, either on the bed, on the floor, or on a desk. We all function differently. If your children are pretty disciplined and not easily distracted, they can opt to have the television on while completing their homework. But be honest. You might want to make sure your children have proven that they have the ability to do so. “The minute I see that it’s taking you too long to get the homework done, the TV is coming off. Do you understand?” “Yes.” External noise has never distracted me, and watching television has never kept my children from receiving good grades. External stimulation is good for some people and helps them to focus. Too much quiet can sometimes be a distraction.

8) Make surprise visits to your child’s class - This becomes more necessary as your children become older. But let’s stop for a moment. This is not always to monitor your children unless they are having behavioral problems in school. In this case, visits should continue until the problem is resolved. Although sad, but maybe necessary intervention when the courts order parents to attend school with their truant children because of obvious parental neglect. Sometimes the visits maybe necessary to monitor the teachers as well.

9) Remain focused and proactive - Try to be an involved parent before you start complaining. When you are involved at your child’s school, the teachers and administrators notice the passion you have in your child’s education. They don’t want to hear from you or see you only when you have a complaint or when you’re upset. This is not to say your complaint is not legit, however, being a proactive parent sends a different message. They will consider you as an advocate opposed to a disgruntled parent. Oh, and when you are a single parent, they are quick to stereotype you anyway.

10) Attend activities and volunteer at the school - I know it can be hard as a single parent to attend each and every meeting that the school has, especially if you work and have other children. Every board meeting, teachers’ meeting, math night, science night, theme night, you name it there is a night for everything and for my own sanity, I choose to opt out some times. But if you are working, you must take off from work every now and then to volunteer while your children are in school. If you are not working, yet able bodied, you have no excuses as to why you cannot be there. Statistics say parents who volunteer at their child’s school have more success with their children in school. And it’s simple. It’s because your children can see how important it is for you to see them do well, and remember what I said, they want to impress you. They see how proud you are of them. If you are not able to visit the school, volunteer by helping at home. Many teachers need help cutting out letters, stapling assignments, grading papers, etc.

I’m not sure about other states, but in California since 1995, the Family- School Partnership Act (Labor Code Section 230.8) was implemented where employers must allow parents time off to volunteer at their child’s school during school hours, up to 40 hours per year per child.

“One family at a time &

one child to make a difference.”

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Whose responsibility is it to expose the child to the non-custodial side of the family?

2011-01-20T22:38:00.000-08:00

Last month while interviewing with renowned radio host Bev Smith about the “The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents” a caller from Atlanta called with a series of questions. He seemed a bit agitated from the start when asking a question pertaining to a topic in the book The Non-Custodial Others, “Whose responsibility is it for the child to develop a relationship with the non-custodial side of the family”. Well before I could get a word in he already had his mind made up, that it's the custodial mothers responsibility. Nevertheless the host graciously allowed me to speak on the topic and asked him to answer my question, "What about the adults on the non-custodial side while the child is growing up. Do they have equal responsibility to contact the child as well?

My son’s father, in the navy moved away when he was two-years old. During my son growing up he might have visited with him four times. His father would call occasionally, send birthday cards, etc., but but as my son grew older the calls were fewer. My ex use to say, “I can’t wait until he becomes 18 so he can call me on his own.” I simply responded, “I can’t wait until he gets 18 so you will see that I am not keeping him from calling you. If you were in his life as you should be, there would be nothing in the world that could keep him from you.” He always wanted to think the worst and of course I was the scapegoat for his estranged relationship with his son. Little did he know that I often encouraged my son to contact his father even sometimes going out and purchasing birthday and father's day cards for him to send to his dad.

My mother always said, “When a daughter has a child, that child will be closer to the daughter's side of the family opposed to the father’s” I find this to be true in most situations, including my own brothers whose children were raised predominantly with the mother’s side of the family.

When my son visited with his father, his grandmother, my ex's mom would sometimes visit as well. She was very proud of my son and how he was being raised and told him to let me know. In the four years I knew my ex husband, including during our short one and a half year marriage I never met his mother, or his siblings with the exception of one brother. As my son became a teenager his father would reiterate to him the importance of getting to know his side of the family.

So the question remains, “Whose responsibility is it to make sure the child develops a relationship with the non-custodial side of the family?” I strongly feel today as I've always felt, it's the responsibility for the non-custodial parent to nurture that relationship. It is not my responsibility to contact grown folk and ask them to send a card, or make a phone call to a child. They know these children exist. I’ve heard some single mothers respond to the question, “I’m not going to knock on somebody’s door to have them cuss me out because they don’t even know the child or to have my child be one of many.”

Now in regards to my daughter it’s a fairly different story. Her father resides in the same city as I made an effort for him to see her. There were periods of time that he did not and of course once that subsided I was concerned for her well being, especially when third parties were involved. Yes, including some of his family. When she is visiting with him that is when the bonding should take place with the other family members, whether it’s on the phone, when they visit, etc.

I think as single parents we need to be very cautious about who’s around our children during visitation, especially if the non-custodial parent lacks concern. Today I'm thankful that my daughter is bit older and able to assess a situation a bit better and talk to me about it if she becomes uncomfortable. But until this day I am weary about her being around some of his family members. Heck, as I state in the book, it could be some of my family members as well. So to sum this up yes both parents share responsibility in making sure a child develops a relationship with extended family, however I’m only going to extend myself to the other family if they reach out to my children.

Listen to the interview "Pt. 2 - The Disappearing Black Community” with Bev Smith

TMBH TIP: If your children have established a relationship with the non-custodial family, do your best to maintain that relationship. Extended families can be advantageous to single parents, however if the non-custodial parent does not establish that relationship and the family members do not reach out leave it be. Many times when kids become adults these relationships are established. Remember to always protect your children...

"One family at a time

& one child to make a difference"

The Benefits of Kids Listening to Their Parents

2011-01-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

Kids are something else. How does a person who has only been on earth for a decade and some change, think they know what's best? But, for some reason parents allow their kids to make decisions for themselves as if they've lived a lifetime. It doesn't matter how old they are, our children will always need some direction from us, even if it's unsolicited. I have a couple of examples that will explain why it's beneficial for kids to listen to their parents, but I'll share the most recent one with my teen daughter.

One morning I received an email about a seminar for middle school girls who are perform well in math and science. The email was a request for volunteers, particularly those majoring in science or engineering so I'm sure it was for my college son. Nevertheless, I was more interested in having my daughter Ta'mara attend. The registration deadline expired but oh well I thought I would still give it a try so I sent an email to the coordinator inquiring if there were any cancellations or additional space available. She stated, it was OK for Ta'mara to attend however, the program is designed for middle school girls only, but although Ta'mara attended high school she would be considered a middle school student in the traditional sense.

I made the decision for her to attend without consulting, advising, considering, alerting.. no, no.. that's not it. Who cares I am the parent and I made the decision for her, nuff said. It was a good thing.. Ha ha.. I knew I would have some objection because the event was on an early Saturday morning. Heck this was too early for me on any morning but ya do what ya gotta do. Upon picking Ta'mara up from school, I shared the good news with her. "I planned something fantastic for you to do on Saturday morning. I am so excited for you!

"What is it?" She said smiling with enthusiasm.

"It's an event for middle school girls who love math and science at the University of San Diego and it starts about 8:00am"

In a serious tone she replies, "I don't want to go to that."

"What?" Looking at her as if she was crazy. "Well you're going".

"Why do I have to go?"

"Because you need to. You are very good in math and science. You need to take advantage of these opportunities."

"But, that is a Saturday morning. Moma, I don't want to get up at 7 o'clock on a Saturday morning like I'm going to school."

"Well you love school remember, so pretend that's where you are going. Ta'mara you do not know what's good for you, so I'm making the decision. I will take you and probably stay around in the parking lot and study, or work on the business while I wait for you. End of conversation."

It's Saturday morning and my internal alarm clock awakes me about 7am. Um, hum she's probably hoping I forgot, you know how they do, wishing you will forget or be too tired to follow through. Well actually, after having a late Friday night I was agonizing over getting out of the bed myself. I tossed and I turned, huffing and puffing in the process. I kept thinking to myself, "Why does she need to go? I'm tired. We can go next year." Then I thought, "so what? I scheduled the time and we will commit to it. Plus this will be good for her".

I went into her room, "Ta'mara". She didn't budge, acting as if she didn't hear me. Yea right. "Ta'mara", I called in a louder voice. She moved around a bit but only because she recognized that my tone had changed. "Get up." She mumbled and grumbled. "Get up I said. We have to hurry and get dressed before we are late." I walked out of her room and left her there to work on it. My daughter is conditioned that when I ask her to do something I will say it once, rarely twice but when I leave the room, conversation is over and I expect her to follow through.

While fresh out of the shower and in my room brushing my teeth and combing my hair, Ta'mara walks in looking quite cute. "Wow, don't you look cute in your white shorts and bright pink shirt", I said. "Hey maybe we'll wear the same colors. Oh can I borrow your sandals?"

"Well I thought since I'm being forced to go I might as well try to look decent. I want to know if we can go to the mall afterward?"

"I don't know because I'm exhausted and the event ends kind of late so I'm not sure I'm going to feel like it. But, since you have decided to listen to me and attend the event, I promise we can leave after lunch and then I will consider going to the mall."

So we left, picked up some quick breakfast from a local fast food and went on our way. Ha.. Then I realized I had no idea where the event was being held on campus. I forgot to obtain detailed information. As we drove onto the campus, there were signs and people guiding us in the right direction. "How nice.. finally someone's actually considering people like me, who come unprepared. I'm impressed when folk are well organized, especially on days like today because I don't have the energy to think straight."

We parked the car, walked into the building and stood in line waiting to sign in. Hum, but one thing we found to be a bit peculiar, why were so many folk staring so hard at us? I don't know about you, but my moma always taught us it was impolite to stare at people. Was it because we had on the same colored shirts or maybe they thought I was her beautiful twin sister and not her mom?

"Ta'mara do I have a spot on my nose?"

"No."

"Do you notice what I'm noticing?"

"Yes."

"I'm not a celebrity, Are you?"

It was so overt that I actually forced myself to say hello to a couple of people, who were in a trance looking at us up and down. Maybe they knew us and couldn't figure out our names, hum. Yeah right? "Hello," I said. There was no response.

At last we were at the registration table and they did not have her name on list. But guess what? Again, someone was thinking about us. The young lady who assisted me via email was at the table and remembered us. Yeah!

"Are you staying for the parenting seminar?" she asked.

"Um What? A parenting seminar?" I'm thinking to myself, "What does this have to do with me? I'm suppose to be able to go back to the car and sleep."

Well just as I mention in "The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents" parents need to be prepared to go to school all over again. You must make yourself available to the same educational opportunities you aspire your children to be involved in.

Stuttering over my words I replied, "Um, am I staying? I had no idea there was something for parents and I didn't plan on it (hesitating), "But I guess I could". Quickly they gave us our badges and Ta'mara was escorted one way and I was advised to follow the adults in another direction.

OK, OK.. let's get to the event right? Wow! That's Engineering is a wonderful event and I thoroughly enjoyed networking and engaging in the activities with the other parents! The information was so useful that I knew I had to share it with others who are attempting to make a difference in the lives of all teen girls. After lunch Ta'mara began calling me on the cell phone expressing her desire to leave. I wasn't ready because I knew my name would get drawn for a door prize. Nevertheless I did make her a promise.

When we met up at the registration building she showed me the solar car she made.

"Did you have fun?"

Jokingly she replied, "Yes, I had a lot of fun and you should be ashamed of yourself trying to keep me from exploring my dreams. I told you to bring me here so I could see what opportunities are available to me".

I just looked at her and shook my head because this is Ta'mara's way of telling me I was right. She does this all the time and if you ask her today about her mother making her attend this event, she will smiling say, "I don't know what you're talking about."

TMBH TIP: The next time your kids refuse to listen to something you know is good for them, dismiss it and make them do it anyway. Remember they have no clue as to what's best for them. Move forward with your decision, don't back down and if you must, see them through every step of the way.

Wow that's Engineering!

"One family at a time

& one child to make a difference"