The Namby Pamby

J.D. as I.T.

2012-05-24T19:58:18Z

I’m sitting at my desk furiously pounding away on my keyboard when my phone rings. The caller ID tells me it is a partner on the other end:

Partner: What are you doing?
Me: Writing a brief. Can I help you with something?
Partner: I need you to help me get something out of the trashcan.
Me: Uh…Your actual trashcan or the one on your computer screen.
Partner: Uh…the computer one.
Me: I’ll be right there.

I’m just here to help.

Filed under: What they don't teach you in law school...

Returning to action from the land of vacation

2012-05-23T22:32:11Z

Yesterday was the first day back after vacation. To say that it was a struggle would be to put it mildly. I swear it was the 8am for half a day, it might have been 11:16 for forty-five minutes and it seemed that 5pm was a distant illusion much like a mirage in the middle of the sahara. Even worse, the day’s work was quite important.

Spending all day working on the firm’s most important case is not the way to return after vacation.

Spending all day working on the firm’s most important case after having forgotten about the scheduled client conference is not the way to return after vacation.

Spending all day working on the firm’s most important case after having forgotten about the scheduled client conference that entails being away from the office, located in a muggy hot room with insufficient ventilation, with your boss, your most important client, sitting on the world’s most comfortable couch and only being able to speak when spoken to is definitely not the way to return after vacation.

It took me all of five minutes to start falling asleep sitting right next to my partner. The next five and a half hours were spent fidgeting, yawning and stifling the urge to urinate all over the clients couch. The only thing that kept me from falling asleep or wetting myself was the terror of having the partner find me embarrassing the firm in front of the client. That and I had to drive with the partner back to the office.

I love my job. Except after I come back from vacation.

Filed under: I love my job

Vacation over and stress free

2012-05-24T20:01:11Z

As many of you know, I am on vacation at the moment. The idea was that the significant other and I would go to a far away place and be able to relax for the first part of the vacation. We both work in high stress jobs that demand a lot from us thus we needed a break from the chaos. The reality that happened was something less than five stress free days away for me.

Why? I had things to get done.

First and foremost, this was a meet the family trip for me. Second, this was the trip where I was meeting the significant other’s father. Third, this is where I was asking the significant other’s father for permission.

Yes, that permission.

The next several days were spent getting to know the family and stressing to figure out how I should go about starting the “Sir, I’d like to have a conversation…” conversation. I figured that starting it when we were at the liquor store, drinking a beer poolside or when driving was potentially in bad form. I wanted to show the proper respect and deference to the father of the person I am seeking to wed (thus swim trunks, t-shirts or a Manchester United jersey could not be worn at the time this conversation was taking place). Lo and behold, it was spontaneous: “If you have a moment, I’d like to have a conversation… Right after I go the bathroom.”

Honest to God, that’s exactly what I said.

After using the restroom and leading the conversation off with a joke about buying a timeshare in Florida, I got permission. Then, not ninety minutes later, I got down on my knee to ask the question. And after four of the most stressful days I have ever gone through, we’re heading home tomorrow.

Engaged.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Not going to make the same mistakes today as I did yesterday

2012-05-18T14:41:39Z

I am presently on my second day of vacation. It’s as close to a perfect vacation as I could possibly plan and each minute is being savored more than the one before. Yet, all is not well.

I was electronically tethered to the office sending work emails yesterday.

It started innocuously with a partner asking where a file was. Then a secretary asked me to review a client matter. It got worse when the email came informing me that a trial won’t be able to proceeding as originally scheduled. And the emails, they kept on coming. Things escalated to text messages between me and a senior partner…because someone couldn’t remember how to access the firm server from home.

It’s good to know that work needs me. It’s better to know that I haven’t been replaced. It’s best to know that at 9:30 in the morning I can pour myself a cocktail and head to the pool.

And that’s what I think I shall do.

Filed under: I love my job

Lawyer: Counselor, Confidant, Cash-Money Man

2012-05-24T20:00:25Z

When I do a client intake, I’m never quite sure if I am going to sign up the next seven figure case or if I am going to be wasting my time. It typically these intakes are a coinflip as to whether or not the person will have a case. Some of them will be small value and not worth my time (usually I will spent a few minutes telling the person how to help themselves) and other people have those claims that would be great if their story didn’t end with ‘But I could have died!’ (Side note: The persons with these stories never like to be told that they would have a case if they had actually died.)

Every so often, however, you get the person so dumb that she should not be allowed to procreate. But as this is America and instead of trying to break free of their bonds of stupidity, they decide that it would be more prudent to talk to a lawyer without having any idea what they are speaking about:

Caller: Can you set up a structured settlement for me?
Me: I’m sorry?
Caller: I want to set up a structured settlement like the ones I see on TV.
Me: Well… do you have an ongoing claim against someone?
Caller: What?
Me: Are you presently suing someone for personal injuries?
Caller: Oh… no.
Me: Have you been hurt somehow?
Caller: Um. No?
Me: Why are calling again?
Caller: One of my friends told me that a lawyer can set up a structured settlement for me, so I called you.
Me: …
Caller: So, would you be able to help me set up this structured settlement?

If only I could…

Filed under: Phone calls make the day funny

How Mad is Your Attorney?

2012-05-24T20:00:21Z

As we all know litigation is an adversarial game pitting learned colleagues at war with each other. Some times these wars are simple, straight forward and bloodless but every once in a while, the blood boils and the litigator becomes agitated. Want to know how pissed your attorney is at opposing counsel? After years of intense study (read: just a really bad day at the office), I’ve been able to cobble together this handy guide that will instruct you as to the amount of fury emanating from your legal counsel and how he or she dispenses wrath:

The Email: This is the entry level in the anger cycle. It usually is tersely worded with phrases like “Please advise to the status with regard to XYZ” or “You had previously informed my office blah blah blah” These emails indicate frustration with the other side over matters that can be resolved.

The Late Night Fax: This is the passive aggressive approach when the other side really upsets you. Typically best reserved for delivering really bad news for the other side such as “Please find enclosed the motion for attorney sanctions” or “I have included my investigator’s photos of your client having relations with a farm animal. Please disclose the identity of the animal so that we may depose him/her as soon as possible.”

The Delayed Scream: This occurs when one is on the receiving end of a Late Night Fax. Which the attorney will receive the minute he walks into the office. The response is as the name implies: he will spew high volumed profanities at the next person that he encounters. Unfortunately for me, I was the first person to encounter a partner who had a pent up scream waiting to happen. “UNBELIEVABLE! WHAT IN THE MOTHER F*CKING HELL DID HE SEND ME THIS FAX AT 10 PM???” and this went on and on as he threw documents at me for three minutes. Then he stormed off to Court to confront the offending attorney.

The Phone Call (with optional upset voicemail): This stage of the venting process, unfortunately, can be hit or miss as the target of the rage could technically be screening for your call and refusing to pick up. When you get access to the voicemail, you tend to talk fast because if you linger while leaving the message chances of having it played on the internet for years to come increase drastically. If you are successful in getting the intended recipient on the phone, one will ask a pointed question while clenching his or her teeth (the clench is necessary to avoid cursing). Typically the phone call begins with a simple question like “I spoke to my client and he tells me that you contacted him. Care to tell me what happened?” The more words used in the lead up to the question typically indicate the level of frustration with not being able to ask “Hey Shitbag, what the f*ck happened?”

The Court Filing: When the attorney passes the point of no return he or she will file a motion or a brief that is written in the tersest possible prose detailing perceived slights by the offending attorney. If it is a motion to compel, there will be attacks on the opponents character, professionalism and bodily hygiene. If it is a reply brief there will be pronouncements like “counsel apparently has seen fit to ignore the relevant caselaw in a bold attempt to mislead the court” and then go on to list cognitive defects that render opposing counsel unable to hold a law license or live without a colostomy bag.

Now if you’d excuse me, I have to go prepare my late night faxes for a few of my favorite lawyers.

Filed under: Professional Thoughts

Filling the annoyance void in my life

2012-05-08T18:50:41Z

I’m working on a new theory. I only have my first hand experience as a baseline but that is enough evidence for me to believe the following: No matter what, there will always be that one client in your portfolio that just makes life miserable for you. Having recently rid myself of several antagonizing clients through settlement, random luck and hired assassins, I was looking forward to relatively stress free attorney-client relations. Or so I thought.

One client has decided to step into the antagonistic zone that had been recently vacated by my most annoying and meddlesome clients.

For storytelling sake, we can call this client by his first name: John. Knowing him from a previous case that I had handled for him, I learned in the process that he is a bit of a phone junkie. To put it another way, his Android phone is surgically attached to his body at all times such that he could have written the Check You Email. Unfortunately, John has a hard time admitting (read: can’t) admit that he may be wrong and ever since he was bitchslapped upside the head by reality on his first case, he has been a little passive-aggressive when it comes to dealing with my office ever since. Thankfully, however, he had been relatively drama free for the last two months and I thought that he had turned a corner to better himself as a human. Then a pressing matter arose on his new case and I needed to get John on the phone immediately to confirm his appearance for a court-ordered deposition. But he didn’t pick up.

And then I tried again. I left a message: “Need you to come to my office Friday. Call back to confirm immediately…”

And again. Still nothing.

And then again. “Hi, you’ve reached John, I cannot come to the phone right now…”

Then I emailed. Three times.

This was over the course of six hours in what was supposed to be a low key workday. I left my office close to six that night having not heard from John and wondering when I was going to hear from him again. The response came several hours later via e-mail and surprisingly, it was rather docile and he agreed to what I was asking him to do. I was stunned. Maybe this client had changed and I was being overly harsh. Twenty minutes later I got another email from John.

“Changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.”

I refilled my wineglass and walked back to the bedroom to let the significant other know why she may hear me laughing from the computer for a little while. I felt the need to respond in my best legalese just to shut John up for the night. This took longer than expected solely because I kept beginning my draft email “Dear F*cktard…”

Filed under: Uncategorized

Playing pseudo-hookey

2012-05-04T01:21:46Z

I am out of the office today. Working. Ish. I am only tethered to powers that be by my smart phone and wireless internet connection to the firm’s server. Meaning ~~I am slacking off and running personal errands~~ I am able to take less than a stringent approach to my to-do list until I have to actually do “real” lawyer work. That real lawyer work that I speak of? Taking a deposition (that really doesn’t matter) in a far away land (i.e “suburbia”) on a simple case without complex facts.

The genius behind this working off-day is that the other side let me pick the place and time for when this momentus questioning was to occur. The end result is that I picked a location and hour that ensured I would be able to say in good faith “As I’ve got to be on the road so early, I really don’t think it makes much sense for me to come into the office today…” And my partner agreed with me. As I don’t have to spend much time prepping for this exercise in billable futility, I am able to run a few errands, see my family and drink way too much coffee. Unfortunately, the downside to my genius plan is that it then requires me to return home during the height of rush hour.

I don’t know about you, but sitting in 90 minutes of bumper to bumper traffic is totally worth a day away from the office.

Filed under: What they don't teach you in law school...

What we have here is a failure to read the office docketing system

2012-04-27T17:49:03Z

Working in a smaller firm requires us to utilize our lawyers in the most efficient manner when there are days when we have to be in multiple locations at the same time. This typically means that I will cover a court hearing when I am in the same general area on another matter so as to not waste two professionals time. For better or worse, this is our firm policy and usually it works to maximize attorney efficiency.

Well, I should say that it usually works:

Partner: I was in court on the Doe v. Acme Corporation case and I heard a case get called that sounded familiar “Smith v. Jones”. Does that sound like a case that you are working on?
Me: Yes. It is.
Partner: Is it one of yours?
Me: I’m working on it with one of the other partners.
Partner: Hmmm…I guess I didn’t know if it was one of our cases.
Me: Did you check the court call sheet or talk to the clerk about the case?
Partner: No.
Me: Did you stand up on it?
Partner: No?
Me: Did anyone stand up on the case?
Partner: I don’t remember…I wasn’t paying attention.
Me: …

About two hours later…

Partner: Maybe I should have stood up on the case when it was called.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is why I drink.

Filed under: I love my job

Didn’t realize we were that familiar

2012-05-24T20:00:08Z

As I’ve written many times, I frequently spend my mornings covering court hearings for the stack of my cases in ongoing litigation. Every time I walk into a courtroom, or a courthouse for that matter, I am trying to take in all that is going on around me because inevitably, there will be something worth seeing. Usually it involves the hysterical foibles of some attorney getting his ass handed to him. And, as you know, a goodly amount of the time it is yours truly getting embarrassed.

There were a plethora of moments from today’s jaunt to the Courthouse that could be considered highlights of the absurd whether it was seeing one of my law school classmates look like a homeless puppy wandering aloof in the middle of the hallway or watching a judge take a cellphone call on the bench. Mid-hearing. But neither of these moments could prepare me for what happened when no judge was present.

I tend to be rather friendly with the clerks that work for the judges. As these are the very people that can save your ass when you are in a bind, I try to be as familiar as possible with them because I never know when I am going to have to beg for a favor. This typically entails conversing with them in a wide arrange of small talk while the paperwork is being processed or if I see them away from the courtroom. This is exactly what I was doing with one clerk today when we were discussing her current level of cranky:

”I want to go back to bed. I woke up so cranky…So…what color should my tampon be today? Purple?

There really is no proper response that I can think of to this question.

Also, I may need to rethink my policy on chatting up the judicial staff around these parts.

Filed under: Uncategorized