The Namby Pamby, Attorney-at-Law

I’m sorry, he’s just not that into you

2009-11-10T09:46:00.003-06:00

Yes, Client, it’s Namby. You are talking to me.

I understand you wanted to talk to my partner.

I’m going to give you a great excuse as to why he is not talking to you right now and you are going to believe it. The fact, that I will never tell you, is he called me while you were on hold and told me to take your call because he has to do something much more important.

Like napping.

I understand that you are going through the worst experience that you have ever experienced in your life. I understand that you need hand holding, someone to love you and someone to tell you everything is going to be alright. I understand that it is tough talking to someone twenty years your junior when you feel that you world is ending due to this evil lawsuit that is attacking your precious company.

Yes, you keep talking to me not as your lawyer, but as someone you must think is a paid functionary dutifully taking down your every word so that it will be hand delivered by angels on horseback announced by a ticker tape parade. What I really am doing is continuing work on my fantasy football team while debating the merits of casually responding to your ranting with a softly echoed “I told you that bitch crazy.”

You keep talking and telling me about how this lawsuit is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Twenty minutes have gone by and I have dutifully not written a single word that you have said down. I have dutifully written “Telecons with client re: litigation strategy” and all I am waiting to do is to put down the amount of time that I get to bill.

I’m not your secretary. I’m not my partner’s secretary. I’m an associate attorney that spends a lot of time preventing you from further harm. The fact that you do not get this is not my problem. The fact that you don’t understand how a lawsuit costs tens of thousands of dollars to defend is also not my problem. The fact that you have been told to settle and you won’t is not my problem.

The fact that you are trying to waste my partner’s much more valuable time is my problem.

That’s why you are talking to me and not to my boss.

Conversations abounding during the beginning of the work week

2009-11-09T14:32:00.002-06:00

Where the work of the profession gets done

Me: Get in any golf this weekend?
Sage Lawyer: Yeah, I did, twice and next month, I’m heading to Hawaii for the 30th annual golf outing for a bunch of my friends.
Me: I’m really jealous now.
Sage Lawyer: Of course, over the years, our numbers have thinned due to people going to jail.
Me: Sounds like you are playing with members of Congress.
Sage Lawyer: Nope. Just lawyers and Judges.

Do they have a vaccine for food poisoning?

Me: Feeling better?
Daisy: meh…I think the puking is over.
Me: Happens to the best of us.
Daisy: I was like “Sweet! married one month and I’m already puking!”
Me: Look at it this way food poisoning, much like swine flu, is a great weight loss program.
Daisy: Very. True. And I’m down four pounds.

I think I might like this file

Claims Handler: I’ve been reassigned the file.
Me: Lucky you! Sounds like a happy Monday present from your boss.
Claims Handler: I only deal with lawyers.
Me: That’s a shitty job. Who did you piss off at the company?
Claims Handler: I like lawyers, I get along with them very well.
Me: Are you one of the chosen few?
Claims Handler: No I’m not.
Me: Ahh, a respectable person. I like it!

In the jailhouse now…

2009-11-05T09:39:00.001-06:00

It seems that there has been a trend beginning for who is calling my number

Caller: I was being taken to jail and I tripped and I hurt my knee, I want to sue.
Me: When did this happen?
Caller: July 2007.
Me: I’m sorry, your claim is barred by the statute of limitations.
Caller: Well that’s a bitch!

Later on…

Caller: I want to sue for the death of my child.
Me: What happened.
Caller: Well, I was charged with her murder in 1999 but I was acquitted…
Me: [Hangs up the phone]

And finally…a client calls

Client: I want to get a status on my case.
Me: We’ll, we haven’t heard from you in a long time.
Client: That’s because I’ve been incarcerated.
Me: That’s what we’ve heard.
Client: So how’s the case going?
Me: Not going well. Since you are in jail, you haven’t been able to go to the insurance company’s doctor for an examination. The insurance company won’t pay you any money until you go to their doctor. When are you getting released?
Client: 2014.
Me: That’s a problem.
Client: Well, can you send me a loan?

I am all about winners.

Stupid Interrogatory gets a Snarky Answer

2009-11-04T11:29:00.001-06:00

Defendant’s Interrogatory to Plaintiff #15:

State whether the plaintiff(s) or plaintiff(s) attorney have the means of possessing any writing, document, statement, letter, record, or other pertinent information that relates to the alleged debris or foreign object which precipitated the plaintiff(s) fall. If so, identify the item, the date of its acquisition, the source of its acquisition and the means of its acquisition.

Plaintiff’s Answer to Interrogatory #15: :

Counsel believes that documents or other items are stored under lock and key in the corporate headquarters of the Defendant. Plaintiff’s counsel is looking to retain the services of Howard Hunt, Gordon Liddy and James McCord to properly assess the most exacting and efficient way to ‘have the means of possessing’ said items. As to if and when Plaintiff’s counsel (or our agents) obtain said items, Plaintiff objects on the grounds that it would call for disclosure of attorney work product and that it would violate the constitutional right to be free from self-incrimination. That said, Investigation continues.

It would be nice if discovery actually allowed for a sense of humor.

Memo to client: Listen to me. No really, shut up and listen to me.

2009-11-02T16:18:00.000-06:00

I do PI, I do employment law defense and various sorts of law in between. I have corporate defendants, stockholding plaintiffs and other clients on their way to intensive care. I have lots of clients each of them with a different background, level of education and success and none of them are lawyers, despite their best efforts to be just that. Besides each of their self-assured belief they are the reincarnated form of Johnny Cochrane, they equally believe they all deserve their day before a judge and jury.

The problem here is that this, by and large, is a wretched idea. You can use small words, pie charts and case law to ram home this subtle point. And it won’t make a bit of difference. They are Rosa Parks, or the dumb guy that got lung cancer from smoking. And damnit, they need 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty to validate their existence. Clients are dead set on going to trial and their lawyer must protect them from themselves.

It’s easy to tell a client that the Defendant will win on Summary Judgment or at Trial and that they should take the settlement offer that is on the table. It’s harder to tell a client that they have a personality like a rusty woodchipper and that even though they have a great case, a jury will view them as a child murdering, seal clubbing, good-standing member of the KKK.

There are a few salient points that I find frequently reiterated to the stubbornest of clientele:

1. The Judge doesn’t think you are special. Your personal tale of woe will not impact her. In fact, it may inspire her to dismiss your case because it is crowding up her docket.

2. The judicial system, as much as you want to believe it, is not conspiring against you because of your politics, your religion, your injury or your race. The judicial system is conspiring against you because you are the winner in the “fails to listen to sound legal advice” contest.

3. When the lawyer says settle, settle. When the judge says settle, settle. You don’t want the jury to say you should have settled.

4. The Judge won’t care that you are spending tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers. You are a business and spending $400,000 to prevent a $50,000 verdict (or a $15,000 settlement) is just plain dumb. And the Judge is quite understanding of this point.

Clients are responsible for us incurring and paying the bar tab. What a vicious cycle.

The Snarky Lawyer Returns: Discovery Disputes

2009-10-28T17:37:00.004-05:00

I have one case that is beginning the discovery phase of the litigation. My client is a corporation and we are suing another corporation for ~~fucking up our chi~~ a myriad of legitimate business reasons regarding my client’s relationship with Acme Steel.

When the litigation began in this case, we had certain snippets of documents that we believed, if seen in total, would make our case. In our minds (fancy schmancy lawyering minds) once we got the documents, they would want to settle.

The requests for documents that were sent out were very specific. Like incredibly specific: “The memorandum issued by John Smith on 1/1/2007 re: Acme Steel and the Plaintiff” and “the contract between Defendant and Acme Steel.” [For the non-lawyers reading this, we typically issue broad based discovery like “Any and all documents relating to John Smith” or “All contracts that the Defendant has entered into. Ever.”]

Today, after a long delay, I received the Defendant’s response. The envelope sat neatly on my desk, I happily tore it open, realized that it was awfully brief in content and began to read:

Plaintiff’s Production Request #1: The memorandum issued by John Smith on 1/1/2007 re: Acme Steel and The Plaintiff.

Defendant’s Response: Defendant objects to this production request as it is overly broad.

All of their responses were exactly the same. And there was not a single document produced with it. Cue my sad face.

The Illinois Supreme Court believes that lawyers should work out their discovery differences. Because, as one judge once told me, he doesn’t like dealing with this bullshit. Thus, I am drafting my letter aimed at resolving this discovery dispute:

Dear Counsel:

I understand that you are a complete and total moron and I forgive you for that.

I’ve enclosed a copy of the definition of broad for your reference. I’ve also enclosed a copy of my discovery requests. Please comply in full within seven days of this letter.

I prefer to leave the Court out of this little discovery tiff, but if you fail to fully comply, I will bring the Court in on this. And you will have to explain to the judge, a packed courtroom full of your colleagues and a court reporter that I’ll bring along how asking for a specific relevant document is “overly broad.” I’m sure that the entire courtroom full of lawyers will be sympathetic to your plight and not laugh at you. However, I must warn you, the court reporter might not be able to keep a straight face.

I look forward to reviewing your produced documents.

Very truly yours,

Namby Pamby
Enclosures

Hack lawyers annoy me.

Odd, Funny and Fabulous: Overheard in the Courthouse Elevator

2009-10-26T13:06:00.002-05:00

The scene opens in a jammed elevator going down from one of the top floors of the Daley Center. A group of attorneys force their way into the car and strike up a conversation.

Male Attorney: I like your shirt. Seems festive.
Female Attorney: I’m wearing green in celebration of Notre Dame’s win over BC.
Male Attorney: What’s “BC”?
Female Attorney: Boston College.
Male Attorney: Is this a sports thing?
Female Attorney: Football.
Male Attorney: I’m gay.
Female Attorney: So?
Male Attorney: These sports things just go right over my head.

The rest of the elevator spends the remainder of the descent in silence collectively asking “Huh?” and praying that they don’t start to giggle.

If your client was your significant other…

2009-10-23T11:23:00.004-05:00

As attorneys, we have relationships with clients. Some of these are good, some of them are bad, and then the rest vary in between. The parallels between the professional relationship and the personal relationship are telling. At least I think so:

The Basic Personal Injury Client: A College Sophomore dating a High School Freshman. There is little to no intellectual connection between the two. The High Schooler worships the ground that the college student walks on, but as the time goes by, the college student cares less and less. Until they only care one-third.

Immigration Client: Think ‘hot foreign exchange student’ with the sexy accent. Then you get to know them and their intimate details. As the relationship develops, and the nose dive begins, their flaws begin to annoy the hell out of you. They think that by having you, the attorney, that they don’t need anything else. As your relationship progresses, ~~and the client fails to pay her bills or do what she is told~~ you openly question if this person really deserves to stay in the country. You stay together for a little while longer, but, at the end of the day, this was a relationship based on lust mutual wants.

Divorce Client: Rebound relationship.

Catastrophic Personal Injury Client: This is your first true love. You fall deeply in love with this client and she is your end all, be all. This is like the relationship that starts one day and by day 15, you are de facto living together: seven figure contingency fees dance in your head as you work non-stop to prepare this case for settlement and/or trial. And just as quickly as it began, it ends. You are a changed person usually for the better after this client, wiser, ~~wealthier~~ and more focused on how to improve your future relationships. You will look back on her as the ‘one that got away’ but as the one that set your standards for the rest of your clients.

Residential Real Estate Client: Think online dating. Lots of communication about a shared vision, but none of this happens face to face. Then, finally, the first face to face meeting occurs. There are some sparks but nothing serious. The closing is a success, but there is no long term future here. You remain friends and maybe will get together again in five or ten years time. But the same fate will result.

Corporate Litigation Client: The dominating individual who ‘wears the pants in the relationship.’ Nothing you do will satisfy this client. You will be constantly seeking their approval, yet you will get nothing but intellectual and emotional abuse. Their business savvy will trump reason, common sense and your legal education. They are always right. In order to get them to see the light, you have ~~lie through your teeth~~ to focus the truth so that they believe that they came up with the ideas that you have carefully crafted. People will stay in these relationships because they are convenient and you occasionally get what you need.

Probate Client: Necrophilia disgusts me.

The Habitual Criminal Client: This is the guy that constantly cheats on their significant other but keeps getting taken back. The attorney knows that they have a bad streak in them, but they are going to change (and the attorney thinks that they will be the one to change them). All of your friends look at you and wonder, “Why do you think they will change?” but you see the good in them. And you will be there to bring it out in them. Or be there to remind the judge during the sentencing mitigation phase of all of the good in them.

Corporate Transactional Clients: This is The One. You both are educated and focused individuals. You love and cherish each other. You both have fervent beliefs in what is right and wrong. You both know your path in life and respect each other. You will occasionally drive each other nuts, but you both know that this is the real thing and it will be a successful, long-term partnership. Except, due to those damn ethic laws, you cannot consecrate the relationship. But that’s why you have a secretary and they have a tennis pro.

And when things turn south with your client, just read what I wrote yesterday. You’ll be fine.

Ending a (client) relationship

2009-10-22T15:36:00.003-05:00

I’ve spent the last few minutes staring in front of a blank page on Microsoft Word, I’ve got a file spread in front of me and I know what I have to do. There is nothing worse than the awkward silence that falls over you because you just don’t like being the bearer of bad news. Baby….we need to talk…

I’m not a person that likes to hear about these things but I’m also not one that will tell a client that they are wasting my time. I have to care. This particular case is one where the client calls all of the time to detail the pain, the suffering and overall misery that she is going through. It’s a sob story. Really it is. You are such an amazing woman…you deserve the best.

But, I can’t and my firm can’t retain clients that don’t have a case. If we were charging two-hundred fifty dollars an hour to act as ~~counselors~~ therapists maybe we could keep her on board. But, we’ve concluded our due diligence and there is no liability for anyone. It’s not you, it’s me.

It’s an accident where she is at fault. Working on contingency says that this is a no brainer. I don’t want to hold you back from the great things that you can accomplish in your life…

Thus, I stare at the screen, realizing that I must fire this client. My firm has a form letter for this, but that just feels cold. Sweetie, you have been an inspiration to me…

But I only have so many free minutes in the day and my prose for this letter will not assist the bottom line. Thus, I open the form letter. I love you, but I’m not in love with you…

These things always happen when the Partner is out of communication range

2009-10-20T15:15:00.001-05:00

It's 2pm, I’ve just returned from a CLE, I’m thinking about grabbing lunch, and the phone rings:

Corporate Client Executive (C.C.E.): The CEO has asked if you can send us everything by 3pm
Me: Um…What are you talking about?
C.C.E: The non-disclosure agreement.
Me: You never contacted me about this.
C.C.E.: Oh.
Me: Yeah.
C.C.E.: Can you send us a Non-Disclosure Agreement by 3pm?
Me: I suppose. Is it going to be a short-form or long form NDA?
C.C.E.: The CEO didn’t tell me.
Me: Well, what area of your business will it be used for?
C.C.E.: I don’t know. But we need it by 3pm.

53 minutes later, the NDA was sent out.

It's a good Sunday afternoon

2009-10-18T18:54:00.002-05:00

The guys have conglomerated to watch football all day. We have watched one of our collected gents favorite teams get pounded by the Saints. We watched Tommy Brady pick apart Tennessee (and my fantasy team). And we have prepared steak for the grill in anticipation of the Bears evening.

We are masculine.

And there is one Canadian amongst us: "I was born a Bears fan. I loved the '85 Bears. I remember watching them in their World Series game." [For full disclosure's sake, he does hold dual citizenship.]

Go Bears!

Enough is enough: I’m done with this crap[per]

2009-10-16T12:31:00.002-05:00

For me, the office constitutional is a sacred ritual that occurs throughout the work week: I stand, I leave the office, enter the same stall and return after having played solitaire on my iPhone 15 minutes later. This is how the constitutional works. No one should mess with it.

However…

Monday, Tuesday and Thurday, I began the ritualistic process and walked into the bathroom…only to find my sacred porcelain throne violated by an individual. His violation of the laws of man: having left the area after having rendered the fixture unusable unless tended to with a plunger.

Having discussed this with another attorney, who also expressed disgust by the blatant disregard to the mores and norms of the men’s washroom, we decided that action must be taken. I authored a brief note and have posted it in the area in question:

I'm begging you. For the sake of Constitutions everywhere.

The Ups of the Pre-Coffee Court Calls

2009-10-15T16:55:00.002-05:00

Court before I have my coffee is usually nothing I look forward to. I like walking into the Starbucks, getting my latte, stumbling to my office and slowly beginning the workday. I don’t need to be sharp to write lawyerishingly. Or answer the phone lawyerishingly. My habit is to refrain from getting coffee before a court call starting at anytime before 10. I don’t want to rush the sacred imbibement of caffeine. Because I tend to spill.

With coffee, I can be Clarence Darrow in the Courtroom, without coffee, I am Clarence Thomas in the Courtroom.

But the pre-coffee court call is not always bad. Sometimes, yes, you will get the judge from hell or the opposing counsel from hell yet other times you will emerge from courtroom more awake, smiling and with a spring in your step. These are a few of the things that brighten my early court calls:

1. The Self-Deprecating Jurist. This judge will start the morning making fun of himself, “Before they let me become a judge, I had to take a class in pronouncing names…but I flunked.” I feel a lot more confident about whatever is about to happen in my case when the judge is cracking wise about this that or the other thing. “Counsel, I recognize that you practice in Chicago, but out here, the Court actually reads everything you send our way…I understand that may come as a shock to you.”

2. The Cage Match. This is a contentious multi-party action where they are years behind in discovery and as soon as two of the seven (or so attorneys) show up in the courtroom, they begin their attempts to secure the dominant role: “She cancelled the deposition last time for no reason, Steve’s office cancelled it the time before that and now we cannot reach a freaking agreement!” The response comes swift: “Lisa went into labor, Steve died, you cancelled it the time before because you were in Tahiti!” The rest of the Courtroom is listening to this pissing match and thanking God that they are not involved in a case like this all the while laughing quietly at the various attorneys involved. It’s even more entertaining when they begin to bicker and moan while the entire lot of them is standing uncomfortably before the judge…

3. The Inappropriately Dressed Lawyer. Also known as the second string offensive tackle, dressed in a mini-skirt, hooker-boots, and a dress jacket that has buttons on the verge of becoming dangerous projectiles. It’s like watching a train wreck from the moment she pops up from her seat and makes her way to the bench. “I am a professional lawyer by day and in the oldest profession by night…”

4. Leeway. The biggest thing I hate about early calls is that more often then not, I am presenting a case where we are no longer on schedule. Meaning the judge will be less than happy. Nothing will get me energized early in the morning when the judge shrugs off my lackadaisical approach to the case and gives me more time to get stuff done.

Now that I’ve waxed whimsical about the rare joys of an early court call, I’ve just sentenced myself to horrid morning court appearances…

Upon which I have a conversation with an opponent of tort reform

2009-10-12T11:56:00.002-05:00

Caller: I want to sue my doctor!
Me: Why don’t you tell me why you think your doctor needs to be sued…
Caller: I went to the doctor and he didn’t tell me what I had.
Me: What do you ‘have’?
Caller: Scabs.
Me: Scabs?
Caller: SCABS! S-c-a-b-e-s. Scabs!
Me: Scabes. Gotcha.
Caller: HE DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT I HAD AND NOW IT’S GOTTEN WORSE! HE GAVE ME MEDICINE BUT HE DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT I HAD!! I AM MAD!
Me: I understand your frustrations, but there is no reason to yell. It is only nine in the morning.
Caller: I believe that this is a terminal disease. I can feel it in my brain! This doctor has killed me!
Me: He gave you medicine?
Caller: Yes. But I lost it.
Me: Did you go back to him to ask him to replace it?
Caller: No.
Me: Did you go to another doctor and ask for a replacement prescription?
Caller: No.
Me: Your doctor gave you a prescription but didn’t tell you what it was for?
Caller: Yes!
Me: And you didn’t ask?
Caller: No.
Me: And you want to sue your doctor?
Caller: Yes sir!

I do great things when away from Chicago

2009-10-10T16:14:00.003-05:00

This is my rental car:

The wedding is several hours away. That means the open container law will be used to our advantage.

All my bags aren't packed but I'm ready to go...I'm leaving on a jet plane...

2009-10-06T14:10:00.004-05:00

I go on vacation tomorrow.

I go for Daisy’s destination wedding of fun. I go for The Enabler’s Golf Day before wedding Daisy. I go because I need a vacation. To say that I am a little burned out is the understatement of the year: this will be my first workday that I’ve taken off since the third week of January.

I am tired. I am worn out. And I need some time away from the office.

Daisy and The Enabler: This is going to be a great time. I’m happy for both of you. You two make a great couple. Congratulations!

As my wedding gift, I want to remind you that my date is a ~~professional hitwoman for unhappy spouses~~ family law attorney, just in case you need any legal advice. [Kidding!]

Now, is it time to leave yet?

Five Postmortem Notes on the Chicago Olympic Bid

2009-10-05T12:06:00.004-05:00

1. Mayor Daley didn’t take enough lessons from his Father and stuff the damn ballot box. Imagine the IOC President announcing the vote tallies: “Number of Eligible ballots 94. Number of Eligible Votes cast 3948…”

2. The Olympics will be in Rio de Crimenero. In Rio, guns don’t kill people, the Cops do. Or the druglords.

3. The Chicagoans for Rio are happy. The Chicagoans for 7 years of fixing shit with lots of graft, overruns and taxpayer expense (a.k.a. business as usual) are sad. The Chicagoans for a Cubs World Series will just keep on waiting.

4. Kanye weighed in with pith, elegance and a bottle of Cognac: “I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but Chicago had one of the best Olympic Bids of all time.”

5. Do you think that the IOC voters giggled when they said "And now without further delay, the President of the National of Brasil, The Honorable Lulu..."

I'm going to need a ruling on this...

2009-10-02T10:11:00.003-05:00

I have Olympic Fever.

Or is it Swine Flu?

--
Chicago sports history comes through! No new El. No Olympic Soccer. Sad.

Pencils down, pulse rate up

2009-09-30T17:03:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if this means I should be rooting for the one bar-taker in the office or not:

Me: Bar results come out tomorrow.
Attorney: Do they?
Me: Going to do anything special for your new attorney if she passes?
Attorney: Get her drunk and take advantage of her?
Me: How about something that we all can take part in?
Attorney: I’ll let you watch.

Good luck to all who are waiting on pins and needles for the news. Take note from when I went through this process: Scotch works as (1) a weapon against anxiety, (2) a pain-killer and as (2) a Molotov cocktail.

Greed is good. ish Clients are dumb. ish

2009-09-28T12:45:00.003-05:00

The case begins:

Client: All I am looking for is for my medical bills to be paid.
Lawyer: I look forward to working with you on this matter. We will see what we can do together.

Two months later:

Client: I want my medical bills paid and I want $25,000.
Lawyer: I think that is a reasonable expectation

Two more months later:

Client: I want $50,000.
Lawyer: I am working towards that.

Two weeks after that:

Lawyer: They’ve offered $75,000. I think there is more money to be had though.
Client: I want $100,000. Not a penny less.

The next day:

Lawyer: I’m looking for you to give me permission to settle the case
Client: I’ve changed my mind. I need at least $200,000.

Later. That same day:

Lawyer: They’ve offered $400,000. I strongly recommend that you settle this case.
Client: That’s just not enough. Let’s go to trial.

BREAKING NEWS: Client Knows All!!!

2009-09-24T14:15:00.004-05:00

Client: Namby, all I can say is that I am not thrilled with the way you and your partner are handling the case...I’ve been talking with another attorney and he doesn’t understand what you are doing.
Me: And what should we be doing?
Client: Well, to start, I don’t understand why you haven’t issued any discovery and why you don’t have any of the records. I took it upon myself to go to the Circuit Clerk and pull the court file and there was nothing in there but the complaint and a few orders. There was no evidence in the file! The attorney I talked to was stunned. Stunned!!!
Me: Well that sounds like a little bit of an issue.
Client: You are telling me that!?!?!? Come on! What type of attorney are you?!?
Me: The type of attorney that knows that the presiding judge has a standing order where discovery requests don’t get put in a public court file, the type of attorney that subpoenaed and received all of the records over a year ago, and the type of attorney who complied with the court order to finish written discovery eight months ago.
Client: …Oh…
Me: And what type of attorney are you talking to?
Client: My real estate attorney.
Me: Can I get his phone number, I want to ask his advice on how to prepare for your deposition.

I feel loved.

First we pray, then we joke!

2009-09-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

As has been par for the course over the last several weeks, I have been ~~running around with my hair on fire~~ incredibly busy. If it isn’t important motion deadlines, appellate brief schedules or acting as a personal assistant/cabana boy/life coach for my partner, it’s been something as equally as pressing.

Today was nothing I hadn’t experienced before: My boss got a call from another one of our partners asking about a case where the statute was expiring at the close of business today. As would be expected, we got everything done and I got a call about 20 minutes ago letting me know that everything was filed and that there was to be no malpractice fears today.

After the all clear was given, I talked to my partner: “Uh…yeah…that was the filing clerk…he was in a car crash or car theft or something and won’t be making it to the Clerk’s office in time…”

It’s not that I am getting used to flirting with professional malpractice, I’m just getting used to the practice of law. Or something like it.

Today’s 8 point plan for when I’m in charge

2009-09-21T15:19:00.001-05:00

1. I’ll ban the use of wheeled backpacks and briefcases by the able bodied (health detriments be damned…Chiropractors and Orthopedists need work too!)

2. I’ll require the destruction of red light cameras. By the most destructive means possible.

3. I’ll imprison those who send faxes that (1) don’t have a coversheet and (2) have zero identifying information and could, potentially, be for 20 different attorneys, paralegals, support staff and/or the janitor.

4. I’ll slap those that walk around with Bluetooth ear-pieces that aren’t actually talking on the phone. I will also prohibit the use of these items while walking in public as seeing a person talk to themselves in this manner freaks me out.

5. I’ll make the mail show up on time.

6. I’ll appoint Kanye West as the Minister of Funny Walks. And put him in a glass box made for mimes.

7. I’ll always make sure the Bears win. And the Packers lose.

8. Finally, all clients will be pleasant to deal with, recently showered and excited to overpay their exorbitant legal bills on time.

What can I say? I have a dream.

Today in snippets

2009-09-17T17:17:00.003-05:00

I was sent a packet of documents by opposing counsel in one of my cases. Contained in them are stories about how my client is a total whackjob. Never have I laughed so hard while having a case implode so fast.

Daisy’s father sent me a facebook friend invite before he did the same to her. You can insert whatever wisdom/joke/sidecrack you like here.

I have to go before the most senile judge tomorrow to get a settlement approved. I’m worried that I might end up owing money and facing a twenty-year prison sentence before the day is done.

Driving home from Court this morning, I found myself behind an individual with a Green Bay Packers tire cover on the back of their SUV. I took a picture of the offending individual:

Then I checked my insurance policy to see if I could afford to run the slow moving asshole off the road.

My law school is espechully awesum!

2009-09-15T12:11:00.006-05:00

Just because I've been free of law school for two years, doesn't mean I don't still enjoy making fun of the institution. Gladly, I am not alone in this:

Daisy: [Our Law School] Alma Mater just sent me a survey!
Daisy: where is the box for "i hate you"
Me: i got it
Me: i was so pissed off
Me: that i didnt delete it right away
Me: instead
Me: i thought about kicking a small child
Me: and i felt better
Daisy: so Alma Mater's server fucked up on saturday
Daisy: and sent The Enabler [Daisy's Fiance]
Me: wait, Alma Mater messed up? no way!
Me: tell me more!
Me: i've never heard of this concept
Daisy: 900 emails
Daisy: of every Law School email since '06
Daisy: flooded his inbox
Daisy: tried to kill his iphone
Me: $150,000 wasn't enough?
Me: They weren't satisfied with taking his dignity? his soul's purity? his anal virginity?
Me: DOES THIS SCHOOL HAVE NO SOUL?
Daisy: exactly
Me: I've had enough this. I'm burning my diploma.
Me: Or I'm just not going to look at it for at least a week