The Narci Chronicles

Like A Chicken With It's Head Cut Off

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 06:06:00 +0000

How can it possibly be April 11th? It was just March 25th two minutes ago! Since my last post I've been traveling, working and preparing to move... kind of that "running around like a chicken with its head cut-off" sort of thing, ya know?

Which reminds me...

of the national sales manager I hired many years ago to oversee the sales of a product I created and was marketing nationwide at the time. He was bright, successful, educated and well-spoken, but I'll be darned if he didn't have an annoying tendency to edit and misquote passages, old adages and cliches that had otherwise withstood the test of time. Case in point: the chicken sans head.

Whenever, and I do mean each and every single time, he was stressed out and I asked him how things were going he would reply, "I'm running around like a chicken!" That's it. "I'm running around like a chicken!" Just a normal chicken, mind you, a regular old bird, not a recently decapitated one.

Now, if you've ever seen a chicken running around as compared to a chicken running around with it's head cut off, you know there is a huge difference and it is this very difference that provides the meat (no pun intended) to this cliche. His benign bastardization of this silly expression just about made me crazy. It got to the point that I wanted to scream, "It's not running around like a chicken, you dunce, it's running around like a chicken with it's flippin' head cut off!"

I wonder if he said it just to annoy me, hmmm...

Anyway, a headless chicken I have imitated as of late, but hope to settle back into a modified routine soon. For now, I would suggest that for those of us who have lived with or do live with a Narci it's not unusual to feel a kinship to the beheaded chicken. In trying to meet their needs, dodge their bullets, be what they want us to be, excuse what they want us to excuse, calm them, praise them and defend them, while simultaneously trying to cope and present an appearance of "normal" to the world we may, indeed, feel an element of "fowl" play in our lives... sorry, I couldn't resist.

Some of us have chosen to leave, some are choosing to stay. In either case, doesn't it feel good to laugh at something related to the craziness. Put your own head on the chicken (oops, I mean put your own head on the ground next to the chicken), see it for what it is and have a good laugh.

We each have the power to change our life and our destiny. As we learn and apply what we learn, we can make choices that will bring many days of laughter in the years ahead. What a relief!

I'll be back as soon as I can. Until then..

Take care.

Not Just for Narcissists: The Link to Addictions

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 04:16:00 +0000

I recently celebrated a birthday... and as it marks the start of my personal new year, I decided to try something new. In fact, I decided to consider something new, try something new, and anticipate something new by changing some behavior and setting some goals. Why not?

So, I baked my first red velvet cake. I've thought about it for quite some time and finally got around to doing it.

When my kids were little and I tried a new recipe I would ask them, "Keep it or toss it?"

The red velvet cake recipe was neither a keep nor a toss, but a tweak. I'm considering altering the recipe slightly by adding more cocoa, as well as sour cream. I'm anticipating a new taste by changing the original recipe and I'm setting a goal to try it again by April, in cupcakes.

That doesn't sound too intimidating or overwhelming, does it?

Of course, there's more.

I've lived 51 years now and have experimented with a number of recipes for life: some keepers, some tosses. I think it's about time to sort through my recipe box and reevaluate what's still there collecting dust.

As luck would have it, I've been nudged.

The nudge came as I listened to a presentation given by a woman who volunteers her time serving with the addict recovery program in my local area. I was shocked to learn the impact emotional wounds have on addiction; that 90% of addictions are driven by unmet emotional needs as opposed to the 10% driven by physical components.

How many of us have unmet emotional needs? I'd guess all. And so, while children of narcissists certainly have their many reasons for addiction, they are joined by a circle of friends that cross all socioeconomic boundaries with a vast array of human experience.

Long after the speaker concluded her remarks, I thought of addictions: their many faces, forms, and factions. I thought of the common ones, but I thought longer on those that we, who call ourselves healthy, keep alive and well and never acknowledge to be addictions. I made a list and began to consider which ones I could call my own:

drugs
prescriptive medications
alcohol
sex & pornography
gambling
violence
anger
power
success
being right
control
being better than
having more than
perfection
neediness
victimization
entitlement
attention
approval
gossip
abuse
spending
eating
working
doing
cleaning
appearances
managing the lives of others (co-dependence)

Interesting, isn't it, to consider an addiction to being right? How would our lives change if we freed ourselves from the addictions on our lists? How would our relationships change?

If we consider our addictions, then consider what unmet emotional needs may have led to the addictions, I believe we can reconstruct the thought processes that left us vulnerable, then transform ourselves through conscious effort and spiritual help.

From my list I can identify several addictions that have impacted my life and relationships. I have work to do. Life can't just be about recognizing the weaknesses of others in order to justify our own behaviors. It's okay to make mistakes. Humans have addictions. But, only through self-reflection and a willingness to try something new, can we make change... no matter how old we are.

That red velvet cake was really pretty good,

but, I can't wait to experience the new and improved...

Take care.

A Bandage for the Exploitation Wound

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 04:24:00 +0000

I recently received a comment to my post, Narcissistic Exploitation and the "Power-Over" Relationship from a new reader, in which she shares an example of this behavior in her own life and its resulting effects: confusion and sorrow. I'd like to share her comment, my response, and then, a thought process for healing.

The comment:

freelyfloating said...

Hi there,
I just found your blog, and I wanted to comment on this post, because this is one of the things I've been trying to grasp recently. My father is a classic N, in many ways, but he does appear caring and loving a vast majority of the time. But, I've come to realize that it's only to inflate his self-image. As long as other people notice that he's always talking about his daughter (me), then they assume that he is attentive and actively involved in my life, even though my parents are divorced. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I'm in my 2nd year of college, and he's never been to see me at school, let alone see the campus. I'm not even sure he could tell you what my major is. Not to mention that I'm double majoring! It's amazing the type of "show" an N can put on for other people.

My response:

Welcome! Thanks so much for your comment. I understand exactly what you're describing... I call it grandstanding. Narcissists have the tendency to invest tremendous energy in outward appearances that depict their behavior and/or relationship(s) as strong, healthy, responsible, respectable and admirable. They may emotionally, even theatrically share stories of bonding experiences with their children, they may host "big" events for family and friends, or invite family and friends to "big" events... often very exciting and generous, they may proudly adorn their children with grand accolades when reciting their accomplishments to others, but in each and every case the motivation will be to reflect favorably on them (the Narci). Once the curtains close on the performance, the show ends, the Narci fades away or resorts to his self-absorbed behavior and you are left to wonder what is truth. It's the perfect recipe for crazy-making! There are many people who demonstrate narcissistic characteristics without having the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Reading through the various posts, will help you in the assessment of your father. Understanding is half the battle. You're well on your way. Take care! (And kudos on the double-major, way to go!)

In my post, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Am I a Narci After All? I wrote about duplicity, how to recognize it, and how living with it may create emotional comfort with and possible attraction to more of the same, perhaps in the form of a narcissistic relationship. (This would be my concern for freelyfloating, so I'm extremely glad to see she's learning about this now instead of later!) Narcissistic exploitation is an example of duplicity in that words don't match actions. As freelyfloating explained, her father talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk! Once the curtain closes and the audience has left, there IS no relationship with his daughter. His purposes were met. The audience has applauded HIM. He's done.

Say one thing, do another: duplicity. Do it for self-gratification: exploitation.

Understanding that this behavior is to be expected from a narcissist can help you regain equilibrium and self esteem. Let me illustrate the typical downward spiral:

Initially you are pleased to hear your Narci praise you, or hear that he has praised you to others. (This also applies to receiving an invitation from your Narci, receiving a gift, etc.)
You feel good about yourself because of the praise, invitation, gift, etc.
The situation or occasion ends and the Narci pulls away, or suddenly changes behavior, disposition, mood or temperament.
You are confused, you think you must have done something to cause this change, and that you're to blame.
You feel bad about yourself because of the Narci's changed behavior.

IF you understand this behavior is NOT about you, that it is only about the narcissist, you can anticipate it objectively, take yourself off the roller-coaster and watch it all play out in emotional safety. (You can even think back on past experiences and reconstruct the memories in your mind.) The praise was given to benefit him, the mood swing or the sudden disappearance benefited him, as well. That's all. You did nothing wrong.

To take it one step further, I tend to believe that the praise narcissists render regarding others is usually true (as in the example of my reader above). Narcis are not motivated to give praise unless it benefits them, but when they do express praise, I consider it truthful. (I realize it may be embellished for purposes of self-aggrandizement, but the basic facts are still usually grounded in truth.) Therefore, if you are the recipient of the praise, own it, believe it and enjoy it. You can fully understand what the motivations and limitations of the narcissist offering it are without having to feel less than deserving of it just because it came from a Narci. Think to yourself, "Wow, even my Narci can acknowledge this! Awesome!" Then don't expect anything more and go about your life.

I hope awareness of this serves to be more than just a bandage for the exploitation wound. I hope it's a healing salve. If you've been shouldering the blame for Narci behavior for a while, it may take some time to undo the damage, but it's possible. You can retrain your brain and get healthy! For additional guidance I recommend Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns.

To freelyfloating: thanks again for sharing so that others can benefit... please come back often and...

Take care.

Narcissistic Exploitation and the Power-Over Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:37:00 +0000

In my last post I wrote about love. Since then I've traveled (thus, my blog truancy) across the country to reunite with a group of high school girlfriends, to collectively enjoy a little fun in the sun, but primarily to boost the spirits of one whose husband is battling a serious illness. During our long weekend together (full of laughs and the retelling of days gone by - you know how it is) I was struck by the simple, yet wonderful goodness of these women. I was particularly impressed by our hostess, the friend to whom we were there to offer relief, support and encouragement. I know her burden must be great. I'm sure she is concerned about her future. Her soul must be riddled with questions, worries and grief and yet, she not only prepared all the makings of a relaxing, entertaining, fun-filled reunion, but served as hostess with grace, attention to detail, personal sacrifice, and a level of enthusiastic cheerfulness that reminded me why we had voted her homecoming queen those many years ago.

For nearly four days, we were there for her. She was there for us. I think we helped each other.

When friends, partners, lovers, family members and spouses engage in this type of relationship: give - give, help - help, enjoy - enjoy, we call it a mutual or reciprocal relationship. The opposite, a relationship of control and dominance: give - take, help - resist, enjoy - suffer, is what Patricia Evans refers to as a "power over" relationship in her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. The one type of relationship nourishes the spirit, the other kills the spirit. A narcissist is incapable of mutuality for the many reasons I've written about in previous blogs. Today, I'd like to include another: exploitation.

Let me lay the foundation by relying, once again, on the words of Sandy Hotchkiss from her book, Why is it Always About You?

The ability to empathize, to grasp accurately how another person feels and to feel compassionate in response, requires us to step outside ourselves momentarily to tune in to someone else. We turn down the noise of our own preoccupations and open ourselves to what the other person is expressing. We may or may not share the feelings being expressed, but we accept them without judgment or distortion. Even when we identify with another person's feelings, we remain separate.

Although we do not actually become one with the other person in moments of empathy, we do bridge the gap between two separate beings. That cannot happen unless we are able to experience ourselves as separate in the first place. The sense of one's Self as separate and autonomous is a developmental milestone that normally occurs in small increments between the ages of one to three or four. In order to read others accurately, we must first be able to see ourselves in realistic terms and identify our feelings as belonging to us.

Empathic parenting in the face of a small child's intense feelings helps to form the building blocks of a developing capacity for compassion. Children aged ten to fourteen months have been observed to become agitated and disturbed when they see their mothers are distressed, and this may be the earliest expression of what will one day be empathy. By eighteen months, the emotionally healthy child becomes capable of internally regulating her own distress and able to offer comfort to others. Empathy will not develop, however, unless the child achieves a separate sense of Self and the capacity to tolerate a range of emotions, including shame. Bypassed shame - the shame that narcissistic people so deeply suppress that it remains beneath conscious awareness - stunts the growth of empathy. Without empathy, people have difficulty controlling aggressive impulses. (See post, Love and Lessons in Shame Recovery.)

Driven by shame and prone to rage and aggression, the Narcissist never develops the capacity to identify with or even to recognize the feelings and needs of others. This is a person who, in terms of emotional development, got stuck around the age of one to two. Others are not seen as separate entities but rather as extensions of Self, there to do the Narcissist's bidding. This, along with an underdeveloped conscience, tends to make them interpersonally exploitative.

So, you may ask, how is it that a Narci is able on occasion to present himself as loving, giving, generous, adoring, even thoughtful and kind? Your rational mind incorrectly assumes the Narci's acts of occasional kindness are motivated as are yours by genuine love, empathy, and goodness. Sadly, painfully, this is not the case.

Again, I reiterate, I am not a professional psychologist, but based on my research and experience I believe the motivation behind a Narci's acts of kindness is to be found among the following :

The behavior feeds the naricissist's ideal image of himself.
It presents an image to others that he'll benefit from via their friendship, their business, their reciprocal kindness, their praise or, in other words, their narcissistic supply.
It pulls the recipient back should the recipient be pulling away, an example of "power over."
It confuses the recipient, another example of "power over."
It further endears the recipient to him, enabling him to continue to get what he wants from the recipient whether love, attention, sex, protection, money, care, etc.

I'm sure this list is not exhaustive, nonetheless, the most important point to understand, regardless of the length of the list, is that the positive behavior is not authentic, it is exploitative. The only person that matters in a Narci relationship is the narcissist, everyone else is a pawn. The narcissist is a self-serving chameleon who will be, say and do whatever he needs to, so long as it suits his purposes. As you observe any and all Narci behavior remember, it is not about you, it is about him. This thought process will liberate you.

Perhaps, now would be a good time to re-read that last post on love and remind yourself how love feels, what it looks like and how it presents itself.

Love is not exploitative.

Love nourishes the spirit.

To my dear girlfriends back in their warm, safe homes tonight: thank you for a lovely weekend and best wishes till we meet again. xo

Take care.

Considering Love

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 06:23:00 +0000

In my first post, The Escape: Goodbye My Narcissist, I wrote briefly about my experience of battling inner voices that had me wondering if I just wasn't lovable. A headline in the news today has prompted me to write a little more about this and about love, in general.

During the six years with my Narci, I experienced situational depression which is, just as it sounds, depression brought on by the situation. It wasn't chronic. I never took meds. I battled my demons through exercise, prayer, reading uplifting and inspirational messages, and by reaching out to a circle of friends and family for support (even before I shared what I was dealing with). What I found to be most crucial was confirmation that I was lovable.

If I could share one message with those who find themselves where I once was, battling this particular demon, my message would be a resounding: YOU ARE LOVABLE! YOU ARE SO VERY, VERY LOVABLE!

There is nothing more pernicious, in my mind, than instilling the thought in another human being that they are not lovable. And yet, Narci parents, lovers and spouses do this all the time. They may not say such words, but they express them in a hundred other ways: their life is the priority, their life is the important one, their burdens are to be attended to, their needs are to be met, you don't matter as much as they do, you are there for their purposes, their way is the right way, you are only what they determine you are, you are loved according to their judgment of what you've earned and... you get (from them) what you deserve... which is never real love.

Thus, the rub. If you don't feel loved, can you feel lovable?

And if you're not lovable, what are you?

There are many who battle these thoughts without narcissistic influence. They may express their feelings of being unlovable as "not fitting in," "not having any friends," "not wanting to live," "no point in trying," etc. These individuals are often surrounded by love and yet not able to assimilate it, nor benefit from its healing power. My heart breaks for those who suffer chronic depression and who, regardless of medication and loving support, are not able to pull themselves out of the emotional abyss.

It appears this was the case with Michael Blosil, an eighteen year-old young man you've probably never heard of, and probably never would have, except that his mother is Marie Osmond. According to reports, Michael leapt to his death from his high-rise apartment building after leaving a note referring to his life-long battle with severe depression and his feelings that he had no friends and would never fit in. *

Michael was my neighbor for a short time, many years ago. Marie and her family had moved next door to us in the Los Angeles area while she and Donny hosted a daytime talk show. I didn't get to know Michael. He was a young boy then. But, I'm confident from my experiences with Marie that she did everything she could to love him, help him, provide the best care for him and prevent what happened yesterday. I'm so sorry for them.

My teenage daughter recently told me of a boy at school that is different than most, sits alone at lunch and seems to have no friends. She has taken it upon herself to sit with him, talk to him, and include him when she can. He sent her a text the other day asking her why she's nice to him and revealing he had never had anyone sit with him at lunch before.

I've had a tiny little glimpse of what it is to feel unlovable. I'll repeat what I wrote in that first post of mine: NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO WONDER IF THEY'RE LOVABLE. NO ONE!

I don't have the answer for those who battle chronic depression. I don't know that I have the answer for those who suffer situational depression. But, I do know that every human being is born lovable, worthy and deserving of love; not pretentious or insincere or tainted love, but pure, undefiled, authentic love. And any human being (especially one in a role of trust and authority) who would deprive another of knowing the joy of such love will someday be accountable.

Narcis feed their insatiable hunger for superiority at the expense of those they claim to love. It is their disorder. Their behavior has absolutely no relevance to the worth of their victims. I've read a fair number of blogs written by young women raised by Narci mothers and/or fathers. Some of these women have been able to separate reality from fiction, accept how innocently undeserving they were of their disappointing, even traumatic childhoods and move on. They now experience the love they deserved all along from husbands and children of their own. They are triumphant in understanding it was the narcissist who had the problem, not them! Others are still on the path to this victory, still battling demons imposed upon them.

So much sadness enters the world from a lack of love. So much beauty enters at love's heels.

If you know love, you know it feels warm and safe and secure.

If you've felt love, you know it is tender, it is giving, slow to anger, patient and compassionate.

If you've experienced love, you know it listens without judgment, doesn't need to win, sees others as human beings not objects of control, feels pain when it witnesses pain, celebrates with others, cries for others, and offers encouragement and comfort.

If you love, you know love cares less about the vomit in the bucket or on the shirt than the person vomiting; you know love can go without, that in fact, love chooses to go without, that love sacrifices without hesitation, that love endures, love heals, and that when all is said and done... love makes life worth living.

I ache for those who have not yet experienced this love, as well as for those who suffer so severely, that even with it, they can't find their way out of the dark. Perhaps we could each look for someone who has no one to sit with at lunch...

Who knows whose life we might save.

Take care.

*As of 3/1, sources, including Michael's roommate, are correcting information earlier reported regarding Michael's farewell note. Apparently Michael expressed a lack of hope, but did not mention a lack of friends, nor the feeling that he didn't fit in. These thoughts are common in young suicide victims, but hopefully were not for Michael.

Letting Go of the Narcissist Grip

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 06:43:00 +0000

My youngest daughter turned seventeen today. I'm doing that "mom thing." You know, the one where you relive every moment of labor and delivery? She is my caboose, born 7 1/2 years after her closest sibling. In that 7 1/2 years, wonderful progress was made in the whole business of birthing babies, and I gave birth pain-free. After three extremely difficult prior deliveries, hers was bliss (what my OB-GYN called a Nordstrom delivery - amen!) She's out with friends tonight celebrating her relatively glorious life while I'm home alone celebrating our relatively peaceful life (as relatively peaceful as life can be with a teenager you share a bedroom with) away from the Narci husband/stepfather who last year, on my daughter's 16th birthday, created a drama of such emotional abuse that I vowed it was the end, promised my daughter we would soon be leaving and began making plans to do just that.

One of the most common questions I'm asked since leaving my Narci is why I stayed so long. If the storybook beginning changed so dramatically almost immediately upon returning from the honeymoon, why did it take nearly six years to say goodbye? While there are many of you who know why, and in fact, stayed put in a similar relationship for much longer than six years, I'll answer that question in hopes it will help those that are still stuck, or are trying to learn why those they love are still stuck. I think there is crossover between Narcis as spouses, lovers, loved-ones and friends, and that the reasons we stay in all forms of narcissistic relationships are similar.

First: love. Human beings need love. If a stranger enters your life and presents a love package to you, the likes of which you've never experienced: intense romance, fervent admiration, unwavering support, enraptured attentiveness, lovely gifts and enchanted evenings, it is only natural (for those of us vulnerable to this "special brand of magic" - see post, The Narcissist Seduction: A Special Brand of Magic) to attach so strongly to this fantasy love that it is nearly impossible to break away. For whatever reason (which we must come to understand so as not to repeat our mistakes), we give ourselves up to this fantasy love so completely that we're willing to sacrifice ourselves, and sometimes those around us, to the conviction that it is real.

Thus, when the love package morphs into raging tantrums, perpetual criticism and painful projection, the initial reaction is to see the bad behavior as an anomaly and as excusable: he's had a bad day, he has so much stress, we're pushing his buttons, I probably should not have said that or done that, that way, etc. In other words, the conviction is that the bad behavior is abnormal and the good behavior authentic, and that the authentic, good behavior will return. And at times it does; just long enough to keep us believing it IS authentic. BUT, ah-ha and alas, it is not. To live with narcissism is mind bending. The mind cannot accept (because of the overpowering emotional need for the love package that was originally presented) that the bad behavior is the true self, unyielding, unchangeable and malignant; that it was the good behavior that was pretense and is unsustainable. I cannot emphasize enough how powerful this is, particularly with the accompanying mind games the Narci imposes through his masterful displays of magnanimity to everyone in our social audience, and his persuasive genius in convincing us that WE are, or have, the problem.

In order for me to leave the atrocities, I had to self-talk my way out; reminding myself constantly that what he wanted me (and the rest of the world) to believe was not the truth, replaying in my mind the images of rage and abuse to counter the fantasy I so desperately wanted to believe. (Along with the self-talk was the guidance of professionals, the love and mentoring from friends, and the firm grasp of family members, thank you all.) Even now, I'll catch myself falling for the fantasy and questioning myself. Occasionally my daughter will remember out loud a certain fun time. And then I remind us both the price we had to pay and that authentic love does not require such a price.

I understand the dynamics differ in a parent-child relationship, but I believe there are many companion points: desperately needing and hoping for a fantasy love, and interpreting it as validation of your worth and worthiness to be loved; wanting to believe the bad behavior of your narcissist is not authentic and holding to the notion it will someday, somehow change; being convinced the bad behavior is created, caused or influenced by your behavior; and clinging to (perhaps even embellishing) memories of moments that felt like love, again as validation of your worth and worthiness to be loved.

Second: bewilderment and confusion. See the above description of mind games.

Third: embarrassment. We are simply embarrassed to let others know the dysfunction of our lives, what we've allowed to be, the evidence of our weaknesses, and/or the failure of a most important relationship. Embarrassment is a strong indicator of our lack of authenticity and self-worth.

Fourth: loyalty and guilt. Again, the Narci is exceptional in instilling in his victims the belief that WE are at fault, that we should ALWAYS be on his/her side, and that we need to focus on THEM while they dole out just enough affection/attention/or life matter (food, clothing, financial support, etc.) to endear our pathetic, misguided devotion. I once noted that in a voice mail I received from my Narci he emphasized, after a list of my grievances, that I just needed to focus on him. That's all. Just him.

Like I said, I'm home celebrating my peaceful life. Not a single person has yelled at me today, or yesterday, or this entire week, or this entire month. It's lovely. My children tell me they love me on a regular basis, as do my parents and friends. My heart is filled with gratitude for the goodness in my life and the love I experience and feel. Real love. Authentic love. I have let go of the narcissist grip and will never be confused again!

May the same be true for you!

Take care!

Envy and Entitlement: Thank You Mr. Senator

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 06:05:00 +0000

A couple weeks ago I watched Andrew Young, former long-time aide to Senator John Edwards, promote his new book, The Politician, on ABC's The View. He was there with his wife explaining why he had claimed paternity of John Edwards' love child. One comment in particular sent a chill down my spine. Mr. Young was asked if John Edwards loved his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Mr. Young said yes and that he (Edwards) also loved his wife, Elizabeth. When one of the hosts replied something to the effect that he (Edwards) had a strange way of showing it (his love for his wife), Mr. Young's comment was that Edwards felt "entitled."

Bingo! Narcissist! Chills down my spine!

Only a true narcissist could feel ENTITLED to the love of his wife and simultaneously ENTITLED to an affair (and by the way, that would be while his wife was fighting breast cancer). Only a true narcissist could assert such a sense of arrogance and superiority while at the same time have the capacity to effectively persuade, via his "special brand of magic" (see post, The Narcissist Seduction: A Special Brand of Magic ), one of his most devoted sources of narcissistic supply (Andrew Young) to take the rap for the affair and the child born of the affair. What a master!

The only thing he's entitled to is an Oscar nomination.

And thus, we arrive at another of what author, Sandy Hotchkiss, calls the seven deadly sins of narcissism in her book, Why is it Always About You? It is the "sin" of entitlement. Let's lump it together with another "e" word: envy.

Envy and entitlement.

Although even emotionally healthy individuals occasionally feel envy for another's looks, talents, material possessions, opportunities, accomplishments or relationships; emotionally healthy individuals are able to acknowledge feelings of envy and manage them without engaging in defensive postures to preserve a manufactured sense of superiority. Remember, the narcissist has no tolerance for shame. So what does he do when someone appears to be, or appears to have something better than the narcissist? In order to silence the internal shame alarms and restore himself to a position of superiority, the narcissist will engage in a distortion similar to shame-dumping. It's called contempt. He will find and point out all that is wrong with the perceived threat. Blow by blow, he'll destroy whatever admirable and desirable qualities may truly exist with the precision of a professional sniper. Without ever admitting envy (which would be to acknowledge inferiority) he will diminish the object of his envy and regain his superior status.

And furthermore, he'll feel entitled!

If you've lived with an NPD, then you've either witnessed or been on the receiving end of the shame-dumping and contempt. It's hard to imagine a parent being so envious of a child that he/she would respond with such emotionally debilitative behaviors, but it happens everyday in the Narci world. And it happens without remorse because not only is narcissism blind to itself, narcissists feel entitled: entitled to their arrogance, entitled to their rage, entitled to their vain imaginations, entitled to hurt others (usually in the name of truth, and justified because in some perverse way they deem it in the best interests of their victims), entitled to shame-dumping and contempt, entitled to completely inappropriate behavior the likes of which no human being with an ounce of soul would ever consider, i.e., having an extra-marital affair while running for president of the United States, while your wife is publicly battling cancer, then denying it and coercing an associate to shoulder the blame. Wow!

As Hotchkiss writes, "... it is the nature of narcissistic entitlement to see the situation from only one very subjective point of view that says, 'My feelings and needs are all that matter, and whatever I want, I should get.' Mutuality and reciprocity are entirely alien concepts, because others exist only to agree, obey, flatter, and comfort - in short, to anticipate and meet my every need. If you cannot make yourself useful in meeting my need, you are of no value and will most likely be treated accordingly, and if you defy my will, prepare to feel my wrath. Hell hath no fury like the Narcissist denied... Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger rage and self-righteous aggression."

In order to better understand this Narci attribute, we can once again look to the emotional development of children and pin-point with a fair measure of accuracy when the entitlement seed is planted. Hotchkiss explains that during the "egocentric stage of early childhood, around the age of one to two, all children experience a natural sense of grandiosity that is an essential part of their development. This is a transitional phase, and soon it becomes necessary for them to integrate their feelings of self-importance and invincibility with an awareness of their real place in the overall scheme of things that includes a respect for others. In some cases, however, the bubble of specialness is never popped, and in others the rupture is too harsh or sudden, as when a parent or caretaker shames excessively or fails to offer soothing in the wake of a shaming experience. (See post, Love and Lessons on Shame Recovery.) Whether overwhelmed with shame or artificially protected from it, children whose infantile fantasies are not gradually transformed into a more balanced view of themselves in relation to others never get over the belief that they are the center of the universe. Such children may become self-absorbed "entitlement monsters," socially inept and incapable of the small sacrifices of Self that allow for reciprocity in personal relationships. The undeflated child turns into an arrogant adult who expects others to serve as constant mirrors of his or her wonderfulness. In positions of power, they can be egotistical tyrants who will have their way without regard for anyone else."

Which brings us full circle to Senator John Edwards. (I so appreciate his cooperation in providing such a vivid example of the narcissistic characteristic, entitlement.)

As we continue to learn about narcissism, as if students studying cause and effect in a laboratory setting, we can distance ourselves from the emotional tug-of-war and simply call it what it is: a disorder. We (victims) did not create it or contribute to it, regardless of what we have been told or made to feel. Its creation and existence preceded us. We have been affected, but we are not prisoners. We have choice. They do not. We can choose our path going forward, loose ourselves from it, and prevent it from rearing its ugly head again.

We can enjoy life, Narci free. We are entitled!

Take care!

Dancing With Narcissists, is it Abuse?

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 05:30:00 +0000

I made a mistake tonight while driving home from an appointment. I listened to Michael Buble singing Always On My Mind from his CD, Call Me Irresponsible. It reminded me of the way my Narci would tug at my heart with sweet talk, vows to do better, romantic music and cuddling after a confrontation. (Oh wait, those vows to do better were contingent upon me and my daughter not pushing his buttons.) Anyway, as I listened to Michael sing, "Maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have..." I found my eyes suddenly filling with tears. How silly, I thought. I'm so glad to be done with that. But there they were: tears.

Then I remembered our dance. It wasn't a Waltz or a Cha-Cha, certainly not a Tango. It went like this: he stepped forward, I stepped back, he turned and took four steps away, paused, turned back to me, took four steps forward, took me in his arms, pulled me close, released me, took one step back.

The choreography never changed. I asked a question or made a comment he didn't want to hear (as benign as, "Do you have any cash?" or "Would you pick up some stamps?" maybe even, "Would you like a donut?") and he responded with an unexpected outburst of rage regarding whatever travesty I had committed (he stepped forward). I tried to calm him, apologize, or explain (I stepped back). He left angrily and went away for awhile (he turned and took four steps away, paused) and soon reappeared (turned back to me) with a complete change of demeanor, as if nothing had happened (took four steps forward), then invited me to dinner (pulled me close). If I accepted, the incident was over until the next time (he released me and took one step back).

It's the dance of abuse: abuser is provoked for whatever reason, abuser abuses victim, abuser feels pleased to have control, abuser senses victim pulling away, abuser feigns sorrow, remorse and reconciliation so as not to lose victim, victim complies, abuser regains control, abuser calms until next provocation. "Maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have..."

Yep. I'm glad to be here.

A professional once told me that not all narcissists are abusive and not all abusers are narcissists, but I don't know how that could be the case. The characteristic shame dumping (projection), rage, arrogance and displays of entitlement and superiority seem common to both.

And page after page of Patricia Evan's book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, sure makes verbal abuse sound like narcissism in action. "... (it) is an issue of control, a means of holding power over another. This abuse may be overt or covert, constant, controlling, and... 'crazymaking.' "

Decide for yourself.

Evans states that verbal abusers may describe themselves as easygoing, yet may be:

irritable
likely to blame you for outbursts or actions
unpredictable (you never know what will cause anger)
angry
intense
unaccepting of your feelings and views
unexpressive of warmth and empathy
controlling
silent and uncommunicative in private or, frequently, demanding or argumentative
nice to others
competitive toward you
sullen
jealous
quick with come-backs or put-downs
critical
manipulative
explosive
hostile
unexpressive of feelings

While at the same time expressing sentiments such as:

I love you.
No one could love you as much as I do.
I'd never leave you.
I'd never do anything to hurt you.
I just want you to be happy.

Sure sounds like a Narci to me. Sure sounds like the Narci dance.

Now that I'm home writing this, clearing my mind from the imposed Buble emotions, I find myself humming a more cheerful, forward looking melody from a band I was crazy about in my youth: Here Comes The Sun.

We CAN learn to leave abuse behind as we honestly evaluate its presence in our lives and its effect on our emotional health. We cannot excuse it. We cannot take responsibility for it. But, we CAN take responsibility for finding ourselves, changing ourselves, loving ourselves and breaking generational cycles. We can learn a new dance.

Take care!

Emotional Boundaries: The Invisible Fences of Our Lives

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 16:55:00 +0000

When my little Yorkie came to live with us I was an inexperienced pet owner, so I researched the various options to train her and keep her safe. She was a free-spirited little thing, slipping out the door and instigating a chase at every opportunity. I ran all over the neighborhood after her, through gardens and gazebos, fence openings and garage openings, across streets and into traffic, to her complete exhilaration and my complete exhaustion. I had thought it was difficult keeping my toddlers from wandering away, but that was nothing compared to this!

One of the products I researched to prevent this mayhem was the Invisible Fence designed to construct a boundary around the yard which, if crossed, causes a brief shock to the dog via a device attached to a collar. With careful training, the dog learns the boundaries of the yard and is kept safely within those boundaries.

Physical boundaries are an important safety feature for dogs, and of course, for children. We enforce physical boundaries to keep our children safely in and danger out. "Lock the door," "Don't leave the yard," "Say No," and "Don't go into the street" are just a few of our boundary admonitions. But, what of emotional boundaries? Do we create, fortify and safeguard emotional boundaries to protect our children and ourselves as passionately as we do physical boundaries? How can we do this and when should we start?

First, we must lay the foundation. We must instill and nurture emotional health and self-worth in our children from infancy, not only through loving physical touch, kind words and the investment of time, but, as explained in my post, Love and Lessons on Shame Recovery, by mending hurt feelings when we've inflicted shame through scolding and disapproval. Nurturing self-worth in our children is the greatest defense we can construct to ward off those who would attempt to violate emotional boundaries.

This is not a matter of idealizing our children, creating egomaniacs who think they are innately superior to others, but a deliberate effort at loving them for who they are (not what we may want or need them to be), expressing respect for them as human beings through our words and actions, acknowledging their feelings and encouraging them to share those feelings with us, praising their abilities while praising the abilities of others, as well, and guiding them according to their natural talents and individuality. Equipped with a strong, stable, secure sense of self, children can be resistant to the trauma of, and resilient in the face of being bullied, teased, disappointed, found lacking, or even falling short of their own expectations.

Let me offer up some examples:

A child who feels loved even when she makes mistakes, and learns to love herself without the compulsion to be perfect does not become an adult target for a predator who would manipulate her into believing he's the only one who could love someone as undeserving as her, and then keep her chained to needing him by continual affirmation of her weaknesses and his strengths.

A child who has been treated with respect in word and deed, learns to respect herself. As an adult she simply does not accept behavior that implies she is deserving of disrespect, that disrespect is reflective of who she is, or that she is somehow responsible for provoking a display of disrespect.

A child who has received parental love, nurturing and appropriate touch does not scavenge as an adult for a bastardized version of love usually disguised as sex and offered by impostors who are unable to feel real love, because she can identify the difference between authentic love and love fantasy.

A child with a strong sense of self grows into an adult who trusts her instincts when she feels something in the picture isn't right, no matter how pretty the picture appears.

A child with a strong sense of self does not need others to admire her, nor be the source of her self esteem. Hence, as an adult she can ward off pretenders that flatter with intent to manipulate.

Simply put: children who are emotionally healthy do not become adults who are emotionally unhealthy.

I recently read a blog in which the female writer feels SHE is "bad" because her parents physically abused her as a child. She was also molested as a child. As a youth she became sexually promiscuous craving the father love she never experienced. Now, as an adult, it is clear by what she writes that she is willing to shoulder the blame for her parents' pernicious behavior and accept self condemnation. This poor woman has no emotional boundaries for they've all been violated, first and foremost by those she should have been able to trust. As an emotional product of abusive parents who did not honor their responsibility to love her, respect her and safeguard her, she has no authentic sense of self.

Another young woman whose co-dependent mother manipulated her into writing notes of apology whenever she displayed the courage to speak out against her father's narcissistic injustices (HE was ALWAYS right), grew up not only believing her feelings weren't as important as her father's, not only that her feelings didn't matter, but that she should apologize for her feelings. She was taught to disable her invisible fence, subsequently married a narcissist, and never paid attention to her internal alarms, her sadness and sense of violation until she was in the throws of depression.

Still another young woman was chastised by a parent for not hugging someone she didn't feel affection for. What did this chastisement teach her? What did it do to her emotional boundaries? What path might this set her on? Kudos to her for the strength to resist manipulation. A hug is a spontaneous gesture of affection and should never be forced, neither a kiss on the cheek, nor a kiss on the lips, nor a display of passion. Emotional boundaries! They are our right!

The topics of bad boundaries as a narcissistic character trait and forging unhealthy emotional boundaries can be discussed another day.

It is enough for now to consider our own invisible fences, ask ourselves if they're in need of repair or renovation and renew our commitment to ensuring that those we love have theirs firmly in place.

It's worth our best efforts ...

Take care!

Time Out for the Brass Tacks of Narcissism

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 04:55:00 +0000

I've spent some time this past week reading a number of blogs written by VONs or Victims of Narcissists. These writers did not merely skim the surface of superficial relationships with mean-spirited partners, they were immersed in and overwhelmed by parents, caregivers, husbands, lovers and/or friends with NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Reading their stories of suffering, loss and various stages of recovery, I was thrown back into my own experience and reminded how fortunate I was to be able to escape before I was discarded, although clearly, the discarding process had begun years prior and much damage had been done by the time I left.

If you're in a healthy, loving relationship, I understand some of this Narci talk may seem surreal; you may have a sense that it couldn't really be "that bad." If you're in a relationship with someone who has a number of narcissistic tendencies that are difficult to live with, yet not a personality disorder, you may empathize to an extent with the Narci talk, while not having experienced the abyss. However, if you know you're involved with an NPD, then you, like me, get a pit in your stomach as you read my story and the stories of others, such as those found at the following links:

stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com

oneangrydaughter.com

laurakamienski.blogspot.com (I particularly recommend searching The Narcissist's Commandments)

n-continuum.blogspot.com

somuchmorethanamom.com/narcissists

narcissists-suck.blogspot.com

I'm including these links (which in turn list many additional worthwhile links) in this post because I realize my content and style are different than theirs and that you may benefit from various, specifically more direct approaches. I write with emphasis on understanding ourselves as much as understanding the narcissist, and on the journey to healing, peace, and self-acceptance. I sometimes just like to chat, share recipes and book titles. So, in case reading my blog feels like waiting for water to fill a bucket one drop at a time, as opposed to turning the faucet on all the way, you have options. I hope I don't lose you as readers, but want you to find what's best for you... perhaps it will be a little of both.

If you're a newbie (such a sweet term for such a sad situation), as I once was and are just now trying to get a handle on what you're dealing with, then let me help further by offering up, what I consider to be, the brass tacks of narcissism. Next post I'll return to meandering down my path.

First: you must understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder is as defined, a personality disorder. "Personality disorders are dysfunctions of our whole identity, tears in the fabric of who we are. They are all-pervasive because our personality is ubiquitous and permeates each and every one of our mental cells," (Vaknin, Malignant Self Love, pg. 25). Doesn't sound hopeful, does it?

Vaknin further explains, "Actually, when the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to shifting circumstances - we say that it is disordered. One has a personality disorder when one's habits substitute for one's identity. Such a person identifies himself with his environment, taking behavioural, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from it." (The term for this is mirroring, and is the behavior that makes the NPD such an adept social chameleon.) "His inner world is, so to speak, vacated, his True Self merely an apparition. Such a person is incapable of loving..."

I share these words before listing the characteristics of NPD in order to make it clear up front: a true narcissist will never change; the tear in the fabric of who he (she) is cannot be mended. I am not a psychologist, but every single thing I've read and the experts I've consulted with confirm that the most you can hope for from the NPD is behavior modification through intense therapy, which the NPD is highly unlikely to commit to since narcissism is blind to itself.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, fourth edition, published by the American Psychiatric Association provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. On page 717 NPD is defined as "an all pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood..."

Five or more of the following nine diagnostic criteria must be met for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Feels grandiose and self-important.
Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance, bodily beauty or sexual performance, or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion.
Is firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people.
Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious.
Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment.
Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends.
Is devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others.
Is constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly.
Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

There you have it. If you were unsure about the narcissist in your life, you can most likely make an informed decision now about who (what) you're dealing with.

But, if you're still trying to make excuses for him because sometimes he can be so sweet and loving, the way he was when you first met, and you think that is the real him, then let me share one more thing I stumbled across by pure accident.

One of my Narci's favorite books is American Psycho. (It's also one of his favorite movies.) I had never read it and so didn't ever engage in discussion of it when it was mentioned. (Since then I've learned the main character is a psychopath, a NPD.) Anyway, several weeks after my escape, I happened to be in Barnes and Noble, wandering down the aisles, when this very book seemed to spring from the shelf at me. Honestly, I just happened to turn my head and there it was. I picked it up and thumbed through the pages and stopped, by pure chance, on page 33. On this page, the dialogue is as follows (main character speaking). " 'You know,' I say, 'its possible to act differently from how one actually feels to get sex, guys.' "

This one line hit me like a brick. Yes, for narcissists it's possible to act differently from how they feel to get what they want. That is a component of the disorder, the chameleon component, the mirroring. My Narci identified with and admired one of his kind. There's that pit in my stomach again.

And I think that's enough for one visit. I look forward to meandering again...

Take care!

Dieting, Emotional Eating and "The Skinny Bitch"

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:24:00 +0000

Last night while waiting up for my teenager, I finished reading Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See, an engaging and thought provoking story of female relationships (one in particular) in nineteenth century China, including ghastly descriptions of the foot-binding tradition and intriguing depictions of a secret language used only by the women. At page 240 grab your tissues.

(I also skimmed through It's All About Him, by Lisa E. Scott. In 85 pages Ms. Scott offers a crash course on narcissists and how to spot them, drawing from her own experience marrying two. If you're interested, it will take you about one hour to become well informed through a format far less academic than Vaknin's Malignant Self Love, which she quotes.)

While I was being transported to obscure Chinese villages and back, my teenage daughter immersed herself in a quick study of nutrition via The Skinny Bitch, by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, a guide on how to get skinny by eating healthy, as defined by them. She has now sworn off eating meat, presented me with a list of items she WILL eat and lectured me on the rights and wrongs I've imposed on her nutritional health the past sixteen, nearly seventeen, years. Okay. I admit it. I'm just one of those stupid moms who doesn't know anything.

Shoot me.

However, all her recent talk of diets has got me thinking about... well... diets.

Do diets work? Are they a long term or short term solution to excess weight and poor eating habits? Do diets alone change lifestyle choices?

I guess they can. But, I guess if they were overwhelmingly successful we wouldn't see such a proliferation of them, would we? So maybe there's more to losing weight than just restricting calories, or even specific foods.

Several years ago I worked with a company marketing a new piece of fitness equipment geared to women. It was a good product. The complete package offered the equipment, an exercise DVD, a workout guide, a suggested menu and excellent information on how to lose weight and tone muscles. As part of my responsibilities, I interviewed members of a test group. I learned that every participant had previously tried dieting and had regained all or most of whatever weight had been lost. I heard stories of how stressful their lives were, how hard it was for them to stay on a diet, how easy it was to gain the weight back after they stopped dieting, and how anxious they were to lose it again and see it stay off.

Pretty typical stuff.

But, as I spent more time with these women, they began to confide in me their life stories. They didn't realize that what they were sharing had anything to do with their weight; we were just chatting. However, as I recognized common threads among them, I began pointing out the correlation between certain traumatic events or painful relationships in their lives and their simultaneous weight gain. Ah-ha!

Let me share one of my own recent experiences to illustrate.

A year ago I was still living with my Narci. Although I exercised regularly and tried to eat healthy, I had gained about ten pounds over the previous two years. My weight gain did not reflect well on my Narci and so he began to express his disapproval in a variety of ways. He made degrading, disgusted comments about friends or family members whenever he noticed they had gained weight. He consistently reminded me of his weight and how well he maintained it, as well as any and all weight he was able to lose. Sometimes he was more deliberate.

For example, one night at the deli I ordered cabbage soup. I love cabbage soup... and how many calories can there be in a bowl of cabbage soup, for Pete's sake? 80? When the waiter brought my soup, he placed a plate of warm bread on the table. Yum! But, before I could reach out and take a piece, my Narci grabbed hold of the plate and slid it close to him indicating it was not for me. Okay. Got it. I was not good enough, thin enough, pleasing enough, compliant enough, simply not deserving enough of a piece of warm bread.

So I went home and whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I ate some of the dough, raw, and a bunch of the cookies, baked. I'm sure the calorie count of the cookies far exceeded the calorie count of a slice of bread. I'm also sure the cookies fed me emotionally and distracted me from what was really going on.

Imagine this type of scenario on a regular basis over a couple years. Can you guess how I gained those ten pounds even as I was trying to lose weight? I exercised regularly, ate healthy meals, counted calories all day and then indulged in emotional binging. (See my confession regarding desserts and bread in Chocolate, Confessions and My Vulnerable Side.) I realize this is a very simplistic cause and effect example, but I hope it gets you thinking. Usually, emotional overeaters connect to a trauma, pain, or conflict much greater: being teased, ridiculed or degraded as a child, being parented by an emotionally absent adult, any type of abuse, the list goes on.

I'm actually more inclined to wash walls and scrub floors as a distraction to emotional pain than overeat, or I probably would have gained a lot more weight in defiance of my Narci's control tactics. But, my point is, if you're struggling with weight you may want to consider the idea that you're addicted to eating as a way of coping with or escaping from pain: past and/or present. Feeding yourself physically may be a subconscious attempt to feed yourself emotionally. If you could connect the dots to your source of pain, address it, understand how it has shaped you, and then rethink the experience(s) through a healthy perspective, (which may require help from a trustworthy source) you may find yourself freed of the need for constant emotional feeding (nurturing in disguise). Remember, "feelings buried alive never die!" (See post, Vulnerabilities That Make Us Easy Targets for Narcissists.)

Now then, a few words to the authors of The Skinny Bitch:

Instead of trying to scare your young readers (that's my guess at the targeted demographic for the marketing of the book, for that is the age most likely to respond to the body image language of such a title) away from meat, dairy and an occasional soda, how about dropping the skinny bit altogether and addressing solutions to emotional eating, which surges with the pressure that accompanies the implied advantage and even necessity to be skinny as promoted by models and modeling agents. Future generations of emotionally healthy women may look at some of our traditions intended to "shape" and "contort" our physical features into a perverse image of perfection as being as tragic as the foot-binding practices of ancient China.

But what do I know? I'm just one of those stupid moms...

Take care!

Vulnerabilities That Make Us Easy Targets for Narcissists and Abusers

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 16:45:00 +0000

Right now, in my part of the world, it is a crisp, chilly winter morning. The sky is overcast, the snow is crunchy, hardened by the overnight low. I'm grateful to be inside at my computer with herbal tea in hand. It feels like a good time to tell a story, of the non-fiction variety. So...

Once upon a time, there was a ten year-old girl who was not perfect, but tried to be good. Occasionally she had the keen sense and kind heart to think of ways to surprise her mother, who worked hard every day cooking, cleaning, and caring for the children while her father was away on business. Such was the case one Saturday morning when her mother went to the supermarket to shop for groceries. The little girl washed the breakfast dishes and wiped off the kitchen counter, as best she could, which was nowhere near perfect, but neither nowhere near awful. With a big smile on her face, she left to play next door imagining the surprise her mother would enjoy and the warmth she would feel at her mother's praise.

The little girl played for the better part of an hour, preoccupied by nervous excitement and fond imaginations. When her mother called at her friend's house, she took the receiver in hand awaiting her anticipated reward. Instead, she was asked to come home. Caught off guard by the tone of her mother's voice and lack of any mention of the surprise, she timidly asked her mother if she had noticed the kitchen.

She was told in a brisk voice that yes, her mother had noticed, but it was not cleaned correctly, and she named the tasks left undone or done poorly, then reiterated that the little girl should come home. With a shaky smile and drooping shoulders the little girl said goodbye to her friend and went home. The end.

Well, not really the end because as you might expect, the little girl grew up to be a woman obsessed with making everything "right," as defined by the voice in her head that constantly reminded her of tasks left undone and done poorly. She became a perfectionist and control freak, subconsciously trying to win her mother's approval at the expense of the relationships in her life.

Her vulnerabilities of trying to please, never feeling good enough, being willing to shoulder the blame and forever trying to improve, as well as her acceptance that unkindness is a normal part of a loving relationship made her an easy target for narcissists and abusers. And so she married one, and for a long time did not live happily ever after.

Then one day in the midst of her pain and confusion, a real-life fairy godmother came to visit her and taught her all about who she really was and loved her until she glowed. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she felt hope. Hope became strength and strength became courage. The voices in her head changed. She changed. She made changes. And she is now on the path to living happily ever after. The end.

Am I really talking about childhood memories and experiences, again? You betcha. Isn't it just better to forget about them and move on? Not a chance. It's just not that easy. As author Karol K. Truman explains in Feelings Buried Alive, Never Die, "What you may not realize is that when negative feelings are not resolved as they occur, these feelings remain very much alive ... and ... of necessity have to manifest themselves sooner or later."

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed. shed light on this in their book, (one of my favorites) Parenting from the Inside Out. "Children's lives are in part a chapter in their parent's life story. Each generation is influenced by the preceding generations and influences future generations. Even though our own parents did the best they could, given the circumstances of their own lives, we may not have had the early experiences that we would wish to pass on to our own children.

We are not destined to repeat the patterns of our parents or of our past. Making sense of our lives enables us to build on positive experiences as we move beyond the limitations of our past and create a new way of living for ourselves and for our children. Making sense of our own lives can help us to provide our children with relationships that promote their sense of well-being, give them tools for building an internal sense of security and resilience, and offer them interpersonal skills that enable them to make meaningful, compassionate connections in the future," (pages 122-123).

Therefore, doesn't it make sense to spend some time, even if uncomfortable, to remember so we can rethink? The little girl in the story performed a sweet act of service for her mother which should have been received with love and gratitude. There would be plenty of time in years to come for her to learn the details of sanitizing a kitchen, but at age ten, "Wow! Great job, honey," would have been the appropriate, healthy response. Thus, we can conclude that mother had unresolved issues of her own, and even if we go so far as to extend the benefit of the doubt and assume she was under tremendous stress at the time for whatever reason, the mother's reaction was inappropriate and unhealthy! Her child suffered, not just on that Saturday morning, but into her adult life.

Only by remembering and rethinking that experience has this child, now adult, found redemption. She has been able to acknowledge and accept the goodness of her gift, as well as the gravity of her mother's mistake, without misgivings, without fear of retribution, and without misplaced guilt. She now loves herself, appreciates herself, has forgiven her mother and continues to heal. Doesn't that make sense? Doesn't that seem possible?

If you have experienced, or are experiencing pain from a narcissist, an abuser, an addict, a compulsive or controlling personality, chances are you've developed your own compulsions or addictions for dealing with the stress of this relationship. Maybe you've buried your feelings so deep you are unable to make a connection between past experience and current behavior.

Think. Remember. Connect the dots.

Maybe the situation you remember or face feels too overwhelming or unsolvable to confront so you drink or use drugs, or overeat, or overshop, or overclean to distract yourself. What do you do to make bad feelings go away? Are things out of control?

Think. Remember. Connect the dots.

Retrain your brain.

This is the path to emotional redemption, authenticity and peace. It has to start somewhere.

What was your first memory? Tell your story. Do the work.

I'm here to help.

PS: if you're a newcomer, you can quickly catch up on all this by perusing the archives...

Take care!

Narcissistic Arrogance and the Parable of the Sock Monkey

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 05:09:00 +0000

Back again: back from LA, back in the basement, back with my teenager, and back to my blog.

Since arriving home from visiting my daughter's family, I keep catching myself smiling at the memories of the trip. I think my favorite is that of the pure, sweet, innocent manifestation of love my grandson demonstrated during one of our many playtimes. Do you remember how a one year-old simply does not tire of doing the same fun activity over and over and over? Seriously, I could have played Sock Monkey Jack-in-the-Box with my little guy for hours had my fingers not gone numb from cranking the handle. And what's most amazing, is that every single time the Sock Monkey popped up from his metal-box hideout, my little guy leaned over and affectionately put his head on the Sock Monkey... a type of hug, if you will. Dang, it was so cute!

This is the love we are born with, the love we innately cannot withhold. Isn't it beautiful? When I consider that I, too, was born with this immense capacity to give love and receive love, I feel joyful. Really, I do. Think about it. We were all every bit as lovable and anxious to love when we were one as my grandson is. Then, life happened. That's what we're here to discuss. Even as we do, let's not lose sight of the fact that we were all born filled with love overflowing, and deserving of love in return. We still deserve it.

I was thrilled to visit with a friend in LA who shared with me her commitment to reinvent herself. She told me my blog had inspired her! I couldn't be happier. She's reflecting on her life, her first memories, influences and experiences that have shaped her, and she's getting down to the business of rethinking and reinventing: moving forward. Way to go, girlfriend! I hope as she reads this she knows how much she is loved by the many who benefit from her generous spirit.

And now, after a short break, it's time to get back to the basics of understanding the Narcis in our lives. Remember the seven deadly sins of narcissism? (See post, The Narcissist Seduction: A Special Brand of Magic.) We've considered the first two attributes of narcissists: shamelessness and magical thinking. In this post I'd like to discuss number three: arrogance.

How would you define arrogance? What is the difference between arrogance and self-confidence? You know it when you see it, don't you? I would simply say that self-confidence is based on feeling sure of your ability in a particular area, while arrogance is based on feeling better than someone else in any area, whether rightfully so, or not. The narcissist often comes across as ueber-egotistical. But, just as the symptoms of shamelessness (denial, coldness, blame, or rage) mask an intolerable, underlying, unresolved sense of shame, (see post, Love and Lessons on Shame Recovery) arrogance masks a fragile self-esteem with an insatiable appetite for admiration.

Why is it Always About You? author, Sandy Hotchkiss, explains the elements of narcissistic arrogance. "Value is always relative, never absolute. From (a Narcissist) point of view, if someone else's stock goes up, theirs automatically goes down. Conversely, if they are feeling deflated, they can reinflate themselves by diminishing, debasing, or degrading someone else."

The Narci is never satisfied with being good or even very good; the Narci must be better than, or he is worthless. Thus, Narcis are highly competitive. It is a way to reaffirm superiority. However, since Narcis are ashamed of defeat, many will only compete when they expect to win. And when they do, oh, when they do, beat the drums, bring on the champagne, roll out the red carpet and prepare for the victory dance. Narcis live for admiration and usually have unrealistic expectations of unconditional approval (they may call it unconditional love, they don't acknowledge a difference). Likewise, when they do not win, oh, when they do not, prepare yourself, for someone will have to be insulted or abused. Projecting the feelings of disgust they have for themselves onto someone else is how Narcis bathe themselves of the unacceptable and, to borrow Hotchkiss' terminology, "reinflate" their egos.

In sum, "An arrogant and superior attitude thus serves as a protective barrier that keeps the 'stink' of imperfection off the Narcissist, providing insulation from intolerable feelings of shame about personal shortcomings. So when you encounter arrogance, it's not really pride that you're seeing, it's a deep and irrational fear of being worthless. The only way to still that fear is to feel important - more important than anyone else, as it turns out." (Hotchkiss)

The little Sock Monkey had shocking, red hair and large, red lips. He popped out of his metal-box hideout with bravado; dare I say arrogance? When he was loved, he could not love in return and sadly, was returned to his metal-box hideout alone. So it is.

I was once shocked and confused by rage-filled projections directed at me. I now understand the sad and perverse nature of the confrontations. Instead of dwelling on the words of hurt, I prefer to think of the enthusiastic love that was a vast part of my composite at birth. I feel it rising to the surface once again.

Take care!

Chocolate, Confessions and My Vulnerable Side

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:03:00 +0000

Okay, that last entry was heavy, even for me. I left the computer dying for something sweet, something chocolate. First confession: I have serious issues with dessert and bread. Dessert would be anything made with any of the following: chocolate, butter, cream, and/or sugar in its many forms (especially brown sugar). Bread would be anything with dough.

As I sat at my kitchen counter a la dessert bar staring down a box of Milk Duds, a container of honey butter, a package of Oreos, a bag of microwave popcorn, 12 ounces of milk chocolate chips and another 6 ounces of Heath toffee bits, which (second confession) I buy to use in cookie recipes but sometimes, being the junkie that I am, just pour in my mouth and suck on until they melt, ( I think there were actually two confessions there) anyway, as I sat at my kitchen counter I thought of the stoic version of me I represent in this blog, the version who has mastered all that I share and long ago left the vulnerable me in her dust. Fourth confession: I poured the bits and chips in my mouth, then popped a few Milk Duds and smothered a toasted piece of bread with honey butter. It was awesome. Twenty minutes later I felt sick and hated myself. Fifth confession: the vulnerable me lives on.

But, the good that came out of that little binge was that as I sat there feeling gross, I thumbed through the city magazine and found, what I thought would be, a great molten chocolate cake recipe that I was excited to try once I could consider eating something sweet again (that's typically 45 minutes) because who doesn't love molten chocolate cake? So, as a breather from the heavy Narci banter, see what you think of this recipe. If you bake it before I do, would you let me know if it's worth the time and the calories? (That's my rule of thumb for whether I keep a recipe or toss it.)

Molten Chocolate Cake

serves 12

8 ounces plus 6 Tbsp butter (you can already see why I will like it!)

10 ounces bittersweet chocolate (get good quality - it's so worth it!)

6 whole eggs

6 egg yolks (eat lots of oatmeal to reverse the increase in LDL cholesterol!)

3 cups powdered sugar, sifted

1 cup flour, sifted

Melt the chocolate and butter together. Cool slightly. In a separate bowl, whisk together the eggs and yolks, then mix in the powdered sugar. Whisk this into the chocolate mixture, then whisk in the flour. Fill 12 greased 4-ounce foil tins or custard cups with the batter and refrigerate until cold. Bake in a preheated 450 degree oven for 5 to 6 minutes. Run a knife around each cake to loosen it, then turn out of tins immediately onto the plate. Ta-da!

Sometimes we just need chocolate. It's a comfort food. It's a healing food. It's a mood enhancer. And I didn't just make that up because I want it to be true. I've had the kind of week that cries out for chocolate: a week that finds me still in my parents' basement, sleeping in the same bed as my 16 year-old daughter, (that's nearly 6 months now - and don't get me started on how that's just not healthy!) still trying to settle what has became a difficult divorce with my Narci, still trying to sell my home and release my last nickel of equity amidst this debacle of a housing market, and flitting from audition to photo shoot to job interview to design job like a college grad with ADD trying to decide what she wants to be when she grows up. As I mentioned at some point in one of my posts, my education is in broadcast/journalism thus, I have signed with a talent agency to represent me for freelance work, I've agreed to model for print ads, (although I'm a complete impostor when it comes to modeling) and in case there's not enough work in those areas to generate the income I need to move from my beloved temporary abode, I'm also knocking doors for a full-time position in marketing and taking on an occasional interior design client to boot. (BTW, some great new shades of green are out this year.) So, chocolate? Bring it on! I'm in need of some serious mood enhancement and healing.

Tomorrow's another day. I will travel to visit my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. (Really it's just to see my grandbaby, but that's just between you and me!)

Have a great day... I'll be back soon!

Take care!

Staring Down Malignant Self Love and Retraining Your Brain

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 05:00:00 +0000

In my last post, I discussed inner voices and haunting whispers, creeds we establish in our childhood that commandeer our behavior as adults. These creeds can make us vulnerable to Narcis because Narcis seek out partners they can hurt, dominate, even destroy. They have to. THEIR haunting whispers demand it. Of course, this is not how they introduce themselves. To the contrary, they often ride into our lives on white chargers.

An excerpt from Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin illustrates my point:

I am the one who came along and built you up when you were down, employed you when you needed a job, showed the way when you were lost, offered confidence when you were doubting, made you laugh when you were blue, sparked your interest when you were bored, listened to you and understood, saw you for what you really are, felt your pain and found the answers, made you want to be alive. I am your inspiration, your role model, your savior, your leader, your best friend, the one you aspire to emulate, the one whose favour makes you glow.

But I can also be your worst nightmare. First I build you up because that's what you need. Your skies are blue. Then, out of the blue, I start tearing you down. You let me do it because that's what you are used to. You are dumbfounded. But I was wrong to take pity on you. You really are incompetent, disrespectful, untrustworthy, immoral, ignorant, inept, egotistical, constrained, disgusting. You are a social embarrassment, an unappreciative partner, an inadequate parent, a disappointment, a sexual flop, a financial liability. I tell you this to your face. I must. It is my right, because it is. I behave, at home and away, in any way I want to, with total disregard for conventions, mores, or the feelings of others. It is my right, because it is.

I lie to your face, without a twitch or a twitter, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. In fact, my lies are not lies at all. They are the truth, my truth. And you believe them, because you do, because they do not sound or feel like lies, because to do otherwise would make you question your own sanity, which you have a tendency to do anyway, because from the very beginning of our relationship you placed your trust and hopes in me, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from me and from your association with me. So what's the problem if the safe haven I provide comes with a price? Surely I am worth it and then some.

Run to our friends. Go. See what that will get you. Ridicule. People believe what they see and what they see is the same wonderful me that you also saw and still do. What they also see is the very mixed up person that you have obviously become. The more you plead for understanding, the more convinced they are that the crazy one is you, the more isolated you feel, and the harder you try to make things right again, not by changing me but by accepting my criticisms and by striving to improve yourself. Could it be that you were wrong about me in the beginning?

Lucky, for you, I have an escape from all this ... What escape? Why, those eruptions of rage you dread and fear. Ah, it feels so good to rage. It is the expression of and the confirmation of my power over you, my absolute superiority. Lying feels good too, for the same reason, but nothing compares to the pleasure of exploding for no material reason and venting my anger with total abandon, all the time a spectator at my own show and at your helplessness, pain, fear, frustration, and dependence.

Sound like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? It is. If you've experienced this, you might be crying out of despair at the truth of these words and/or crying for joy because someone has articulated your experience, you are not going mad, and you are not alone.

Now, back to getting healthy.

I've suggested you consider your first memory, (see post, The Power of First Memories: Looking Backwards into the Future) as well as the unspoken voices that compel you (see post, New Year Resolutions: Self-Understanding, Appreciation, Love and Rethinking ) in order to encourage and facilitate self-awareness and redirection. Redirection or rethinking is what psychologists call cognitive change. It means retraining your brain on how it thinks about things, including you. There are many good books available that elaborate on this subject. One such is Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D.

Here's a little quiz to determine whether it might be a worthwhile purchase for you. How good are you at believing things that aren't true? For instance, if your partner is unfaithful and then tells you he/she loves you, do you believe it? If someone you care for hits you or humiliates you and then tells you he/she loves you, do you believe it? What if they tell you their bad behavior is your fault, do you believe it? Are you driven to perfection? Are you worthless if you don't have a love interest? Do you need to be liked by everybody? Are you addicted to attention? Are you a failure if you don't meet a certain standard, usually determined by someone else or society in general? Hmmm... see the icon in the sidebar to learn more about the Feeling Good book.

I have a friend who overheard a conversation years ago between her mother and father in which her mother encouraged her father to praise my friend more often, instead of criticize. My friend heard her father say, "I would, if I could find something to praise her about."

Could it possibly be true that there was absolutely nothing to praise my friend for? Of course, not. Did she believe this untruth? Of course she did, and it was tremendously painful for her in her youth. Thankfully, as an adult, she has been able to realize which of them had a problem, forgive, and move on. Today, she is a lovely, sensitive, yet strong woman with many beautiful talents which she shares with confidence among her family, friends and community. She has been able to separate fact from fiction. She retrained her brain. Occasionally, we laugh at this comment from the past, but it certainly was not a laughing matter at the time.

Before I sign off, I want to share a lesson from a wonderful story, fast earning it's place as a treasure on bookshelves around the country. The Help, by Kathrynn Stockett, takes place in Mississippi in the early 60's, a time when racial prejudice was still alive and well in the south. Aibileen is a "Nigra" character in the book who works as domestic help for a family with young children. As she witnesses the neglect of the young girl she cares for, she tries to instill in her a positive sense of self by telling her daily how good she is, how smart she is, and how pretty she is. Aibileen also tries to teach this little girl, Mae Mobley, that people are the same, regardless of color, before she learns otherwise from her parents and teachers.

One of Aibileen's methods is to play a game with Mae Mobley. She wraps up two identical pieces of candy in paper. One piece of paper is brown, the other is white. This is Mae Mobley's favorite game. She's always delighted to unwrap the papers and find the same thing in each. Thus, the lesson. It's not the wrapper that matters.

Thus, the lesson for us all.

What was your first memory? What is your whisper? Do you believe things that aren't true? Is it time to retrain your brain?

Since my youth, I have found strength in the quote by Albert Camus, "In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

May the sun so shine for you in your journey.

Take care!

New Year Resolutions: Self-Understanding, Appreciation, Love and Rethinking

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 19:15:00 +0000

Happy New Year! It's a time, as Alfred, Lord Tennyson writes, "to ring out the old, ring in the new." The perfect time, I suggest, for making your emotional health a priority in your life! Ring out your feelings of inferiority, insecurity, vulnerability, anxiety or any other which deprive you of joy, and ring in a season of self-understanding, appreciation, love and rethinking. This could be your best year ever!

In my Christmas post I declared that everyone deserves to be loved. I believe that. However, I want to clarify that while someone who is hurting you may deserve to be loved, YOU should not feel responsible for being the love supply for that hurtful person. That is not healthy for YOU. Many women nurture relationships of all kinds, far too long, out of a perceived duty to love, often believing their special love will change their abuser. While I can't offer professional advice, I can state the obvious. Healthy self-love simply dictates a healthier approach: either the abuser voluntarily seeks help with robust commitment or you must love yourself enough to find your way out.

I'm thinking of a lovely, young lady who struggled with a mild learning disability throughout her youth. As a result, she has subconsciously identified herself as not worthy of the very best. She is involved with a man that reiterates that message by his treatment of her. Isn't it uncanny how an abusive personality can find a partner who will readily accept his perverse version of love because she believes somewhere in her soul it is all she deserves?

Another lovely, young friend was physically and emotionally abused by her father in front of her mother until she was taken away to live in a foster home. The other siblings were not abused and continued to live with their parents. Today, this accomplished woman unknowingly seeks out men that emotionally abuse her. Although she recognizes she is unhappy in the relationships, she has trouble identifying, let alone acknowledging, the abusive, narcissistic tendencies of her partners for two simple reasons. First, the little girl inside of her will not let go of the belief that since her father abused her, and her mother allowed it, then it must be okay (contrary to rational thinking) and secondly, the little girl inside of her has my friend subconsciously convinced that she, too, must not deserve any better.

Those two examples seem pretty easy to figure out, don't they? But consider this: the brain can be an amazing tool of denial and disguise when we try to figure OURSELVES out, as opposed to those around us. As adults, we live by unspoken creeds determined in our youth. It is only when we give voice to those creeds and identify where they came from that we can begin to understand ourselves and make healthy changes.

Many years ago, while in school, I competed in public speaking and dramatic interpretation. One of the short stories I read from in prose competition was The Rocking Horse Winner by D.H. Lawrence. This story tells of a beautiful lady who seemed to have everything, but not enough, and in particular, not enough money. There was an unrelenting, insidious whisper through the house of, "There must be more money, there must be more money." This woman's young son internalized his mother's anxiety and took upon himself the burden of satisfying the demands of the whisper. The story did not end happily.

Thus, the lead in to my ah-ha moment, the epiphany that has helped me better understand the drive... no, the compulsions that have commandeered my life. You see, in my early years of elementary school I became aware that my mother was, contrary to her nature, unhappy. It does not matter why, it is only important to know that I became aware of it. My mother is a woman who laughs, plays games, sings like a lark and smiles... a lot. I remember well our summer evenings of hide-and-go-seek, and the earnest, but failed attempts to teach me to sing duets of compatible, yet different melodies. These are cherished memories. But, at this particular time, she was suffering.

Ironically, years before I ever read the story, I had a common bond with the little boy in The Rocking Horse Winner. I internalized my mother's emotions and took it upon myself to make life, as I saw it, as perfect as possible for her and my father. I was convinced that if I did everything just right, just perfectly, they would both be happy. In my little girl mind, I could not only do this, I must. From that time forward, I felt responsible for the mood in my home.

I remember how important it became that I win the citizenship awards, receive A's on my report cards, and win contests of all sorts. Ribbons, certificates, gold stars, and high marks were the evidence, perhaps of my abilities, probably more so of my determination. These things were important, they could make mommy and daddy happy, therefore, I could make mommy and daddy happy.

It is not surprising that I simultaneously suffered from stomach aches, diagnosed as the beginnings of an ulcer. I ate a special diet: boiled chicken, toast and warm milk, hot cereal, anything bland and boring, even baby food. I definitely remember the baby food, it was packed in my school lunches. That goes over big when you're in the second grade, let me tell you. (Actually, the bananas and the apricots were really good... just not good for the image.)

Migraines hit by the time I was fourteen, intensely painful, complicated ones that affected my vision and speech.

You see, the problem with a child taking responsibility for the happiness of her parents is that it is an impossible task. No one, child or adult, can be responsible for the happiness of anyone else. It's not their job. Happiness comes from within. It is an individual quest and cannot be delegated, although many may try to convince you otherwise, particularly narcissists!

So, when I earned straight A's, won that citizenship award, received a blue ribbon in the jumprope competition and then saw my mother unhappy, I had failed. I just wasn't good enough. It became my own haunting whisper:

I just wasn't good enough, I just wasn't good enough.

My heart aches for that little girl who grew up with a burden she couldn't possibly understand. My heart celebrates the woman who has connected the dots and is learning to rethink past experience to make healthy changes.

I urge you to ponder your youth and consider its effects on the person you are today, for better and for worse. For heaven's sake, don't throw the baby out with the bath water, just consider in what areas you could improve your emotional health by rethinking some of the misguided notions or influences of your past.

Inner conflicts like those I've described are huge welcome mats to Narcis. Their insatiable need for and keen sense of where to find narcissistic supply will lead them to you like a GPS. Remember my post, Love and Lessons on Shame Recovery? Narcissists are shameless. "It" can never be their fault. If you live by a silent creed, a haunting whisper that commandeers your life assuring you you're not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough... anything enough, then roll out that welcome mat, sister, and get ready to lose your mind in the mixed up Narci world where everything must be your fault, you're always falling short no matter how hard you try, and even the most outrageously inappropriate behavior only exists because it is provoked by you.

It's a new year! The perfect time for making your emotional health a priority. Pull out your journal (or go buy one with one of your holiday gift cards) and begin writing. What in your childhood determined your creed(s) for living as an adult? Get busy and connect those dots!

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,

The flying cloud, the frosty light:

The year is dying in the night - -

Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new - -,

Ring happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

One more time: Ring out the false, ring in the true!

Take care!

Christmas Comes Early

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 03:32:00 +0000

I'm running around a little panicked, preparing for the holiday. I'm sure I'm the only one... ha-ha-ha! So far this month I've had one son's birthday, one grandson's birthday, one son graduate from college, one church party (worked on decorating committee), one cookie exchange for which I baked, but did not attend because I could not track down my teen-age daughter until after an acceptable time of arrival (grrr!), a book club party I bagged in order to finish preparing for the church party (turned out real cute - Polar Express theme), a girlfriend lunch to plan our girlfriend party (my assignment: dessert, I've been trying out recipes, will share my favorite in just a minute), a Christmas concert with the AWOL teen-age daughter and... I have yet to finish shopping, wrap presents, bake goodies for the neighbors, prepare a Sunday School lesson, and practice my part as narrator for the Church Choir Christmas program next week. Thank heavens I got the underwear washed today!

Life gets a bit comical this time of year, doesn't it? Honestly though, I love it all. It's just such a wonderful celebration!

I know I owe you a post about a childhood experience that impacted my life, and the epiphany that made sense of it all, but what I'd really rather do is share a Christmas story and exchange a plate of cookies.

First, the plate of cookies. Well, at least the recipe. This is a MUST for women on the run who need a fabulous, sweet treat fast. Trust me.

Magic Skor Bars

(from Favorites, A Collection of Favorite Ivory Family Recipes)

40-48 saltine crackers

1 cup butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 (12-ounce) package semi-sweet chocolate chips (or milk chocolate)

1 cup finely chopped pecans

Line large cookie sheet with saltine crackers. Boil together butter and brown sugar for 4 minutes. Pour butter mixture over crackers. Bake at 350 degrees for 4 minutes. Sprinkle with chocolate chips. Bake for an additional minute, then spread chocolate evenly on top. Sprinkle with pecans. Cool completely, then break or cut apart. Wahoo!

Second, a Christmas story. Actually, my favorite story for this time of year is not really about

Christmas at all. But, if you celebrate this season because you believe that Christ is your Savior, then you'll want to have this book in your home and read it with your children or your grandchildren, or just to yourself every year. It's called, He Took My Lickin' For Me, by Timothy Robinson.

Another of my favorites is O. Henry's The Gift of the Magi. I find it a wonderful tale of authentic love. And isn't that the message of Christmas?

Whoever you are, whatever your circumstance this holiday season, one thing I know for sure: you deserve to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved. Christ taught us that.

And thus we celebrate his birth.

Merry Christmas!

Now, back to ribbons and wrap, butter and brown sugar, cookies and caroling...

Take care!

Finding Peace Amidst the Control Tug-Of-War

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 05:21:00 +0000

I visited my friend tonight, the one I mentioned in my post, Counting My Blessings, the brave soul fighting stage three breast cancer. She's lost her hair now, and is covering her mostly-bald scalp with a t-shirt, twisted and wrapped in such a way that it looks like a cap. It's really rather cute, much more so than it sounds.

I dropped off a little book of quotes for her, the type of words you cling to when you're afraid. Mostly, they're taken from the Bible. Where better to turn? Don't we all have days when we need to read:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

Proverbs 3:5

"He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength."

Isaiah 40:29

"Be not afraid, only believe."

Mark 5:36

I hope it helps.

The other day I received an e-mail from a longtime friend on the east coast who is also battling breast cancer, fortunately stage one. She's still awaiting additional test results. She mentioned she only skims my posts that get "heavy," as she needs lighter content these days. In honor of her, I admit to you all that she (and others) convinced me to dress up as Tina Turner one night and lip-sync Rollin' on the River. (When was the last time you saw a white girl do Tina? Ya, that's what I thought.) Hope that was light enough for you K, and that the memory makes you smile. I love ya!

Cancer, wayward children, mother nature... there are just some things we don't have any control over, try as we might. And believe me, I'm the queen of "try as we might." The Serenity Prayer was, in fact, written for me:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living, one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Oh, for the faith and courage to let go.

I believe there's a profound connection between the need to control and fear. I confess, I've had issues with control, manifested most strongly in my compulsion to clean and "perfect" the externals in my life. I'm in "recovery" now, but for years I found peace in perfectly plumped pillows, beds made to the square, and a house that looked like it sprang from the pages of BH&G, all the while giving myself kudos for being so "in control," and convincing myself it wasn't a problem. After all, I could relax and be flexible... if I wanted to, like dust every Tuesday at 11 AM instead of 10 AM, or from left to right instead of right to left. No sweat.

It took me a long time to connect the dots on that one. Next post, I'll share the epiphany that helped me put it together and understand one more reason I was an easy target for a narcissist. Hopefully, it will be helpful as you try to connect some of your own dots. Come with your thinking cap on. Until then...

Take care!

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, and the Problem with Magical Thinking

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 05:23:00 +0000

When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up? Do you remember? Was your answer an occupation: nurse, fashion model, attorney, school teacher, astronaut, veterinarian? Or was it a simile: like my mom, like my sister, like my dad, like (insert name of most admired)? Perhaps it was simply: a mom. Nothing wrong with that.

I wanted to be a school teacher until high school. Then I vacillated between attorney and doctor until college. I grew up to be neither.

I wonder why we don't ever answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with a character trait, or state of being. When I grow up I want to be kind. When I grow up I want to be unselfish. When I grow up I want to be content. I guess we just take that for granted and then forget about it. The problem is, we spend so much energy focusing on WHAT it is we want to be, there's little left for the conscious effort of WHO we want to be.

The short story, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, by James Thurber, was required reading in the high school I attended. If you're unfamiliar with the prose, maybe you saw the 1947 movie with Danny Kaye. (No? Neither did I.) Nonetheless, it is the story of a rather timid, boring man with a brilliant imagination who daydreams of being a daring surgeon, heroic pilot, and courageous naval commander. I guess we all have our unfulfilled dreams.

Having unfulfilled dreams may be disappointing, but to an emotionally healthy individual, it does not compel a constant compensatory effort, as it does in the narcissist. An emotionally healthy individual accepts the reality that he cannot be the best at everything, even anything, and does not feel shame as a result.

The narcissist, however, is stuck in the child's unresolved thought process of, "I FEEL bad, so I AM bad" and therefore, relies on distortion and illusion (magical thinking) to mask the intolerable reality that others ARE better than he is at ... well, anything.

To you, "magical thinking" may represent what you did as a child when you dressed in your princess gown and waved your wand, or donned your swashbuckling pirate vest and eye-patch, to wield your sword. But, when we refer to the narcissist, the term "magical thinking" defines the methods typically used to avoid shame, at all costs. Remember, the inability to process shame in healthy ways, leads to the characteristic attitudes and behavior of the narcissist. (See post, Love And Lessons On Shame Recovery.)

In his book, Malignant Self Love, Sam Vaknin describes the narcissist as one who "feels grandiose and self-important" and "is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance, or bodily beauty."

It can be rather entertaining, at first, to sit at the knee of the great, storytelling narcissist, to hear his tall tales of the professional athlete he could have been, if only... or the CEO of the Fortune 500 company, if only... or the Oscar winning actor, if only ... It's Walter Mitty, all over again.

There are some narcissists who maintain their sense of grandiosity through someone else they can be associated with. They are closet narcissists, so to speak. In this case, the narcissist is the most devoted friend, or lover, until he bores of his object of desire and moves on to the next, leaving the former feeling bewildered, used, and often devastated.

Sandy Hotchkiss explains it like this, "The fantasy world of Narcissists can have a seductive allure that promises to envelop you in its specialness. Their superficial charm can be enchanting, and they often appear complicated, colorful, and exciting as they draw you into their narcissistic web.

It is not uncommon, in the presence of such individuals, to feel controlled, manipulated, helpless, and angry - or on an emotional roller coaster ride. Narcissists exude a powerful force field that is difficult to stay clear of and nearly impossible to control once you have been drawn in." (Hotchkiss, Why is it Always About You?)

Projection, or shame-dumping, is yet another way in which the narcissist may distort reality to mask his shame and feed his ego. If you've been on the receiving end of this method, in which your Narci projects onto you the shameful feelings he has about himself, you've been subject to perpetual criticism, accusations, sarcasm, and degradation. It may have left you questioning your very sanity.

So, what do you really want to be when you grow up?

How about happy? Happy begins with loving yourself for WHO you are, not WHAT you are.

You're a doctor, awesome! You're a mother, incredible! You're a retail assistant, a legal secretary, a PTA president, a dental hygienist, a hairdresser, an attorney, a teacher, a stock broker... Excellent! Wonderful! Outstanding! Praiseworthy! Fabulous!

But, do you like yourself?

Do you feel someone on your shoulder forever telling you you're not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, capable enough, organized enough, pretty enough, whatever enough?

Then, you're not happy enough.

It's time to look at that little she-devil sitting on your shoulder and say to her, "You're annoying! (borrowed that from my teenager) and "You're not the boss of me anymore!" (borrowed that from a five year-old). Be done with her.

The truth is: YOU are unique.

You have within you a beauty that is all yours.

It is a beauty that is expressed through your talents, your interests, your loving ways, your smile, and your aura. It is not measured by the media, nor the man at the bar, nor the people you pass on the street or invite into your home. It is immeasurable.

As you embrace the truth, THE TRUTH of these words, and stop reading them as if they apply to someone else, you will begin the process of self-acceptance, the first step to healthy self-love. And what will healthy self-love do for you? It will aid you in warding off unhealthy self-love. You got it!

Now, WHO do you want to be when you grow up? How about YOU! Nothing wrong with that!

C'ya!

Love and Lessons on Shame Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 06:00:00 +0000

I snuck out of the house the other night with my oldest daughter to see the movie, Julie & Julia. I say "snuck out" because it was a 9:30 showing at the dollar theater, and leaving the house that late at night seems like sneaking out to me. It must be a holdover from my teenage years. By the way, the movie actually cost us $2.00 each. That's kind of sneaky, isn't it... to call yourself a dollar theater and then when your weekend patrons lay their one dollar down at the ticket booth, you laugh your wicked, bait-and-switch laugh and announce, "Just kidding! It's really two!" Why don't they just call it what it is, the "Cheaper Tickets for Older Movies" theater.

It was my second time seeing it, Julie & Julia, that is, not the theater. I adore the relationship between Julia and Paul Child, and I love Julia, as portrayed in this film. I urge you to see it! (But, remember, it might cost two dollars instead of one.) Notice how comfortable, confident, and happy Julia is with herself. She is the absolute paradigm of healthy self-love, albeit, her stature falls outside the "norms" of American standards, and in spite of a stream of rejections, disappointments and set-backs. Go Julia!

In honor of Julia, I feel I simply MUST share our family's traditional yam casserole, the very one I referred to in my last post. I recommend it as an accompaniment to your holiday ham next month. Bon appetit!

Extremely Delicious Yam Casserole

3 cups cooked, mashed, fresh yams (about 3 lbs or 2-3 jumbo yams) I bake the yams at 400 degrees for an hour, or until very soft, and then let them cool. The skins will easily peel away by hand.

Add:

1/2 cup sugar

1/3 cup butter, very soft or melted

2 beaten eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

1/3 cup milk

Blend with hand mixer and pour into 9 x 13 casserole dish.

Topping:

1/2 cup self-rising flour

1/3 cup butter, soft

Mash with fork until crumbly, then add:

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 cup pecan pieces

Mix, sprinkle onto yams.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, uncovered, then eat to your heart's content and consider all the significant value of the vitamin A content, as opposed to the sugar. (So good you could bake it in a pie crust and call it dessert!)

Now, back to Julia: Where does that kind of healthy self-love come from? I recently asked a good friend what she attributes her emotional health to. First, I should tell you she is one of the happiest, kindest, loving women I've ever met. She has that glow. Her answer to my question was simply, "My mother."

That's probably not a big surprise to anyone. The influence of a mother (or mother-figure) on a child's overall emotional health, particularly during the formative years, ages 0-6, is well documented. It's a bit daunting if you're a mother, or plan to be a mother, but it's certain: a mother's emotional health and ability to love with empathy affects her child's emotional health and ability to love with empathy.

The first characteristic named on Hotchkiss' list of seven indicators of a narcissist (see post, The Narcissist Seduction: A Special Brand Of Magic) is shamelessness. Shamelessness is distinctly identifiable as the result of an unhealthy mother-child relationship. How and when does this occur?

Well, as luck would have it, I've got just the story to illustrate. Yesterday morning my darling, one year-old grandson stuck his hand in the toilet water. His mother, hearing the nothingness of his silence, knew something was up and came dashing into the bathroom just as her cherub's toilet-watered, wet hand was entering his mouth.

Oh, was he excited! (Elation) What one year-old wouldn't be? To finally find this most fascinating contraption he had only been able to bang on without any result whatsoever, open and, surprise, filled with water, surprise, within his reach. It was glorious! Naturally, he was anxious to share his enthusiasm with his mommy, who typically reveled with him in his conquests and explorations, but just as he was about to simultaneously suck the toilet water from his fist and squeal with delight, mommy scowled and firmly (in not such a nice voice) said, "No!"

His mommy's abrupt reaction of disapproval came as a shock. It delivered a crushing blow to our little doll's paradisiacal relationship with his mommy in which he was all powerful and important (age appropriate perception). With mommy's "No-no, we do not stick our hands in the toilet," the little guy felt bad, and his infant reasoning told him if he FEELS bad, he IS bad. (Shame)

What happens next is crucial for the part of the developing infant brain that regulates emotions.

In this case, little darling's mother took him in her arms and soothed him. She kissed his sad face and took him to the sink, explaining she would wash his hands and they would be clean again. She quietly emphasized that he should not stick his hands in the toilet, and then she told him she loved him. (Recovery)

In sum, when a child experiences shame, subsequent kindness and soothing reassurance are necessary for healthy development. The early experiences of elation (excited one year-old turning to mother with wet hand in mouth after sticking same hand in toilet) turning to shame, ("No, no! We do not stick our hands in the toilet. No!") can result in recovery, ("Come here, honey. We'll wash your hand and make it all better. I love you.") and become a positive exercise in emotional health.

What happens if a child does not experience recovery and is repeatedly left with shame?

Hotchkiss explains, "When parents do not soothe the shame they inflict, children develop their own means of compensating - they wall off the intolerable feeling, and they use fantasy to distance themselves from the monster behind the wall. They cling to notions of themselves as special, powerful, or important."

How does this relate to narcissism?

Hotchkiss continues, "In the Narcissist, shame is so intolerable that the means have been developed not to experience it at all. What psychologist call "by-passed shame" looks like shamelessness or the absence of a conscience, hiding behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, blame, or rage. Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms available to process this painful feeling, the shame is directed outward, away from the Self. It can never be 'my fault'.

Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways - to face it, neutralize it and move on as healthier individuals do - leads to the characteristic postures, attitudes, and behavior of the Narcissist."

To learn more about how the infant brain learns to regulate emotions, and the two critical stages of growth in which this occurs, see Sandy Hotchkiss' Why is it Always About You? pages 4-6 and 40-43.

If you recognize yourself as being vulnerable to unhealthy processing of shame, consider this: there are more than two types of mothers in the world. Perhaps yours was not incredible, but neither was she negligent. Maybe she earned a C+ in teaching you the recovery phase of shame, so today, you're not a narcissist, but you realize you have issues with self-esteem. This vulnerability may attract Narcis to you.

Please, spend some time considering how you feel when you make a mistake, are criticized, reprimanded, or challenged, and when you experience disappointment. In Julie & Julia, Julia Child said, "Boo-hoo," when the cookbook she had worked on for eight years was rejected. Then she said something to the effect of, "Oh well..." and with a deep breath, looked to the future. (Someone who remembers exactly what she said, help me here.) You get my point.

If you need some tutoring as an adult with the recovery phase of shame, you can be your own mother and practice on yourself. Why not give yourself, right now, what you didn't get enough of as a child? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: developing healthy self-love will aid your vigilance and ability to deflect unhealthy self-love.

I will be writing more and more and more on healthy self -love. You are much stronger than you think you are. I know it!

Enough for now. Take a deep breath. Tell yourself you're awesome. Go see Julie & Julia or bake Extremely Delicious Yam Casserole. I'll be back soon.

Take care!

Counting My Blessings

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 20:18:00 +0000

It's Black Friday. I slept through the early morning sales. Honestly, does anyone go out to shop at 3:00 AM? I barely had the dishes done by then.

Aside from the dishes, I truly enjoy every bit of Thanksgiving, even the cooking. I agree with one dear friend who said, "I love Thanksgiving because you can enjoy friends and family without having to buy them all a present." (Okay, truth be told, I do enjoy buying presents, but I know what she means.)

Thanksgiving is all about traditions, isn't it? In my family, there is only ONE way to make yams, ONE way to make stuffing, and the pies MUST be homemade (including the crusts). We did go out on a limb and change the green beans this year. Risky, I know.

Certainly, there are many differing traditions in American homes across the country, some families don't even eat turkey. But, the one tradition that seems shared by all is simply to pause and give thanks. My list of blessings this year was probably pretty standard and perhaps somewhat similar to yours: the delight of my grandson; the love and support of my children, my parents, my siblings, and my friends; the good health I enjoy; the incredible beauty of this earth; the privilege of living in America; and the goodness of God in my life (although a more exhaustive list would certainly include Cosco's frozen, sweet potato fries and Clorox pop-up, disinfectant wipes).

As I walked my Yorkie the other night, a car pulled up next to me and a friend leaned her head out of the window to say hello. When I asked how she was doing, she started to say that life had thrown her a few curve-balls lately, but then she stopped herself and said, "Great. All things considered, I'm doing great." It can be tough to stay positive, even grateful, during the trials of life. I find it admirable.

I have another friend who recently experienced a double-mastectomy. Prior to surgery, she had been diagnosed with stage three breast cancer, doctors not only having confirmed malignancy in a tumor, but 12 of the 20 lymph nodes removed. As she summarized her prognosis, she explained that at the end of 18 months of chemo and radiation treatments, if the cancer were to reappear, there would be nothing more the doctors could do. Then, she smiled... she actually smiled, and said she was glad (grateful) to know that if the cancer came back, her family would not have to suffer through years of watching her battle it, as she had, over the 14 years her father had battled his cancer.

An interesting and thought-provoking item to find on a "What I Am Grateful For This Year" list. I admire her. And, I am reminded of a thought that recently presented itself by way of my inbox:

"Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

There are many brave souls who will quietly share their gratitude for trials, not in and of themselves, but for the lessons learned and the growth attained through such experiences.

Whatever your "kind of battle," I wish you well... I wish you strength... I wish you hope.

Another day I will write more about Narcis, but for this post, one final thought, author unknown:

May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Take care!

The Narcissist Seduction: A Special Brand of Magic

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:35:00 +0000

Many thanks to all of you who have visited and revisited The Narci Chronicles, and are sharing the site with friends. This is post #4. If you're just now joining, I recommend you start your read from the first post, The Escape: Goodbye My Narcissist.

Before I dive into Narci stuff, I'd like to pass along a great new find for your recipe book. Try this alongside your holiday favorites as either an appetizer, snack, or dessert, and just tell me it's not an instant hit!

Toffee Apple Dip
1 8 oz. package cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 (11 oz) package Heath toffee chips

Beat cream cheese, sugars and vanilla together until fluffy. Stir in toffee chips by hand. Serve with 8 sliced apples, I use Gala.

Now then, since my last post: I've been thinking about the novel, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak. It's been a recent favorite among my family and friends... and for me, it struck a very specific chord.

Lay aside the endearing characters, the compelling plot and unique stylization, The Book Thief is the story of an entire nation besieged and beguiled by a narcissist. This perspective might differ slightly from your typical book club synopsis, but for purposes of this blog, I ask that you consider it. Consider a people so smitten with the charm, the eloquence, and the feigned altruism of their Narci leader that they would not only applaud his misguided rhetoric, abandon themselves to his perverse vision, risk their lives at the feet of his evil intent, but simultaneously engage in, or become audience to, the genocide of their neighbors and one-time friends.

Granted, this is an extreme example, but it does illustrate the power of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, and whether it's a nation or one woman, the emotional grip is truly bewildering.

How can I explain it?

It starts like this:

You meet a man who exudes an exciting and alluring persona. He's charismatic, eloquent, talented, accomplished within his chosen field, with a tale to tell that may boast a rags-to-riches, against-all-odds type of excellence. He will also be perpetually right, extremely egotistical, easily offended, and quick to anger. But, that part comes later. For now, his eyes don't leave you. His level of interest in you knows no limit. He hangs on your every word. Narcis are quite adept at initially making the relationship all about you, before it becomes all about them.

Eventually, this man humbly opens up about his own life. He may even be sarcastically self-deprecating. It would not be uncommon to find a history of childhood abandonment, abuse, or neglect. As he shares his story, you will feel it a special trust and privilege to be his confidante. Narcis are skilled at endowing their chosen with the sense that they are unique in this way.

It is difficult to be vigilant during the Narci courtship, as you will experience highs you've never known, unbridled romance, gifts, love notes, and a readiness to be of assistance at your every need or desire. You will feel you have found your Prince Charming.

It is the most enchanting and magical seduction, what Linda Martinez-Lew, author of Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life, refers to as "a special brand of magic." (See post, The Escape: Goodbye My Narcissist.)

Sandy Hotchkiss, author of Why is it Always About You, the Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism, explains that "the Narcissist engages us via our own narcissistic vulnerabilities." (We've touched on that briefly and will revisit it again.) "The goal is to understand what is happening and interrupt the process to protect ourselves." She continues, "Sometimes, we are drawn to their larger-than life qualities and the special way they make us feel when we are included in their grandiosity and omnipotence in some way. If being part of their lives makes our own seem fuller or more exciting, we may choose to pay the price or deny that there even is one. When this happens, we may end up sacrificing ourselves to an illusion that leaves us ultimately empty and bruised. When you enter the web of the Narcissist, you leave yourself behind," (page 62).

In my last post, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, I asked you to consider the possible Narcis in your life, including yourself. I suggested this exercise in order to make an important distinction, that is: we ALL have narcissistic or self-absorbed tendencies, which certainly defines our humanity, but not necessarily a personality disorder. When I first read the symptoms of NPD and recognized my own character faults in the list, I wondered if I was one, myself. I even consulted an expert, who diagnosed me with depression, but not a personality disorder. Phew!

Yes, we all, to one degree or another, are lovers-of-self. There IS healthy self-love, essential in the ability to be vigilant and defensive in warding off unhealthy self-love. There is also age appropriate narcissism: the toddler and teen years.

We may refer to an individual who displays many of the NPD symptoms as a narcissist, although he (or she) may not have the actual personality disorder. But, the true NPD will distinctly manifest, what Hotchkiss calls, the seven deadly sins of narcissism as follows:

1) Shamelessness
2) Magical Thinking
3) Arrogance
4) Envy
5) Entitlement
6) Exploitation
7) Bad boundaries

We'll look further at all of these in future posts, as well as Sam Vaknin's proposed criteria for NPD, as described in his book, Malignant Self Love.

Now, I absolutely must go play with the most adorable little one year-old grandson on the planet! He's come for the Thanksgiving holiday and brought his mother and father along, which I'm really quite happy about, as well.

Take care!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, am I a Narci After All?

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:35:00 +0000

Do you remember when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were THE Hollywood Couple at the 1999 Emmy's? Jen wore an incredible, beaded gown, her long hair styled in dread-lock twists. Brad was in black, sporting a goatee. Together, they looked like the poster children for beautiful. Do you remember? And do you remember seeing a middle-aged blonde in an off-the-rack, gold, sparkly gown and green velvet wrap walking on the red carpet right behind them? No? Are you sure? Darn.

Well, I'm the woman you don't remember. It's okay, I'm not offended. I wouldn't have noticed me either next to Jen and Brad's collective gorgeousness.

I might also mention I ran into the gals from Sex and The City in the ladies' room that night. It was a new show back then and I'm sure SJP and Co. were all a little nervous, thus, the group potty run. They were beautiful too.

It's quite a bit of fun to attend such galas. (Pardon me now while I boast my exploits in order to make a point. Consider it a Narci odyssey.) Whether a black-tie, celeb-packed, charity event in Beverly Hills, an exclusive Australian Barbecue on Hayman Island with Tony Blair, a premier party for Dick Tracy featuring Dustin Hoffman and Madonna, or a wedding reception at the home of Rupert Murdoch in the company of the Bloomingdales, and Ronald and Nancy Reagan: I've been there, done that.

From the time I was a little girl, I was the beneficiary of lovely gifts and invitations. My father was a buyer for Sears when the Winnie the Pooh line of children's clothing was launched and, as such, he received tickets to the premieres of the Winnie the Pooh movies in Chicago, to which I accompanied him. I was also his date to Winnie the Pooh fashion shows in Chicago, and the recipient of dresses sent from New York designers hoping they might be considered by Sears. At the time, Sears was the largest retailer in the world, so it was kind of a big deal.

There were times we vacationed at Disneyland with VIP passes allowing us to move to the head of the lines, and eat in restaurants you don't know are there, unless you're a VIP. My dad worked with big names in the television, modeling and sporting arenas. Occasionally one came to dinner at our house. By the time I was in college, dad had risen to the top ranks at Sears, and his associates were happy to treat me to fabulous restaurants and orchestra seats at Broadway musicals while I worked as an intern in New York. I was very appreciative of it all, but at the same time, it all seemed pretty routine.

Certainly I was no Tori Spelling. We were Mid-Westerners, my parents very conservative, no silver platters; yet, I can't help but feel I developed a slight sense of entitlement through the years of receiving special treatment and living in the distant periphery of celebrity. Did I feel I was better than the kids who stood in line at Disneyland and didn't get to slip into the secret restaurants? I think I did. I think I felt special because of these THINGS in my life. Did I feel special because I was me? I'm not so sure.

And what happened to that little, three year-old girl who sat on her Fresno lawn and watched her daddy mow the grass? Well, she gained a great appreciation for how important it was to accomplish things in life, especially things that pleased her daddy. She became an over-achiever and made everybody proud. She felt special because of what she could DO. Did she feel special just for being her? I'm not so sure.

I wouldn't call it a coincidence that I married a man who worked in the entertainment industry and was privy to the "only for special people" events of the entertainment world. Again, it all seemed pretty routine. The Narci odyssey continued.

I grew to be a confident woman: confident in what I could accomplish, confident in my perspectives and opinions, confident in being right. I launched a company before I was thirty while mothering three young children, and wrapped up my first year in business as a guest on NBC's Today show. Yep, I was good. The epitome of a confident, accomplished woman.

Was I authentic? Did I love myself? Did I feel peace?

Hmmm. Let's take my first memory, combine it with my genetic predispositions including a type A personality, add a fair amount of entitlement and attitude, and toss in a repressed fear of failure and strong sense of not being good enough, and what do we have?

Not much authenticity, questionable levels of healthy self-love, very little peace, and perhaps... a narcissist?

Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I a Narci, after all?

As I researched narcissism and the personality disorder I suspected was affecting my second husband, I ached at the possibility that I might be one too. And if I wasn't, then the disturbing thought second only to that was, why did I attract one?

There are a number of possibilities. In general, Narcis attract partners who are, to some degree, comfortable with narcissism, either because they are Narcis themselves, have been raised by a parent Narci, or have been strongly influenced by a Narci figure in their lives. These partners seem to lack the internal alarms to deflect the allure of the narcissist; to them, it is normal, even "right."

Comfort with duplicity can also lead an otherwise strong, bright, accomplished individual to a disturbing, disfunctional relationship with abuse, addiction, or personality disorder. Duplicity is the antithesis of authenticity. Did you grow up in an alcoholic family, but nobody knew because when you stepped out of the house you became the funniest, friendliest, smartest, or most accomplished kid in your class? Were you verbally abused and then told you were loved... by the same person? Did YOU live a double-life, or live with someone else who did? Very simply, was there a sense that the words and actions in the environment of your youth were incongruent? That's duplicity.

And finally, if your sense of worth is based on the externals in your life: the things you HAVE, the things and people that surround you, and/or the things you DO (accomplish, achieve, create) and not the internals: the character traits that define the unique, fabulous, TRUE YOU, even as simple and undervalued as the ability to listen, empathize, show compassion, enjoy a sunset or nurture a child, then, you lack authenticity... your strongest defense against a Narci.

Spend some time pondering...

While I prepare the next post exploring Hotchkiss's seven deadly sins of narcissism. Are you one? Are you living with one? Were you raised by one? Are you about to marry one? Let's find out. Until then...

Take care!

The Power of First Memories: Looking Backwards into the Future

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:51:00 +0000

Last night I attended a baby shower and picked up a great little secret for moist, delicious, yellow cupcakes. Add a 20 oz. can of crushed pineapple, undrained, to a yellow cake mix INSTEAD of the water, then add eggs and oil (skimpy on the oil). Follow the remaining directions. Frost with cream cheese frosting and roll in coconut (if you like). Imagine what a gorgeous triple-layer cake this would make! Just thought I'd share.

After the baby shower, I found a quiet spot in the house and enjoyed a long, late-night conversation with a girlfriend from high-school. I had sent her my new e-mail address reflecting my change in circumstances, and she had called to ask, "What's up?"

Long after I said goodbye, I sat in bed massaging my creme de la HRT into my arm, and waiting for the progesterone troche to dissolve under my tongue, (if that's all Greek to you, then you're clearly still in your child-bearing years and paying more attention to IUDs than HRTs... good for you, you probably don't need botox yet either, keep it to yourself, okay?) anyway, as I was saying... I sat in bed and smiled, and thought of our friendship, and our memories.

She was saddened and shocked by my story, and when I finally wrapped it up with one of my robust declarations of how happy I was to be free and moving forward, she whispered, as if a little hesitant to launch the thought, "If it can happen to you, it can happen to anybody. You were our 'Most Likely To Succeed.'" Yep, I was. Although, at the time, to be perfectly truthful, I would have rather been voted "Best Looking," "Best Dressed," or "Most Popular." Those were the yearbook captions that seemed to mean more to me at 18. Actually, as I think about it, I'm still ticked-off I wasn't voted "Best Dancer!" I was the choreographer for the school musical and talent show, for crying-out-loud! Fellow classmates, you let me down, and I'm still carrying a little chip on my shoulder about that one!

Oh, and what about not voting me senior class president...

or one of the finalists for the homecoming court?

Okay, sorry, I'm done.

I WAS voted most likely to succeed. I also graduated Magna Cum Laude from college. I thought about both of these distinguished titles during my eleven hour escape from LA. What had happened? How did I, me, Miss Most Likely to Succeed, end up in a car, driving through the desert, having nearly sacrificed my soul, certainly an unhealthy abundance of my self-esteem, to a man I was now fleeing? If it could happen to me, could it happen to anyone? I'm not sure. But, I do know this: that drive was the culmination of months of emotional preparation, gaining the strength to walk out. I had determined that this HAD happened to me, and I was going to find out why and how and dig until I found the root of the problem, then work like my "Most Likely to Succeed" crown implies to weed it out once and for all. The mere thought was empowering and enough to fuel my determination to drive east, and not look back.

Well, I promised I would discuss my first memory, and instead, I've spent a good portion of space babbling on, indeed, about memories, just not my first.

Have you ever thought about your first memory? Have you ever wondered why your brain locked in on that particular incident on that particular day of that particular year? There were hundreds, even thousands of events your brain could have chosen... a few days before, a few weeks later... why THAT one? Have you ever asked yourself what was so profound about that entry into your young psyche that your mind couldn't resist the glue? Did it stage your future, your very destiny? Or, was it the other way around: as you grew and developed and experienced the impact of your environment, did the redundance of a particular theme in your life virtually force your brain to stack the deck and place the memory with the most significant support on top? In simple terms, did the memory lock in at the time the experience occurred, or at some later date resulting from the collection of significant experiential support?

Do you need to come up for air yet? I can have that affect, I know. My teenager calls it annoying. But, then again, she calls just about everything I do annoying. It's just that when I get really excited about something, I want to make sure I've made my point. So, pardon my compulsion to summarize but, FIRST MEMORIES ARE IMPORTANT! They shape us, or try to tell us WHAT shaped us. They are, what my high-school Econ teacher used to call, Stand-Up-and-Shout moments.

Now here's your reward for hanging in and reading all that:

While first memories might connect us to the person we have spent most of our lives thinking we are, we are not their prisoners! (Repeat!)

By reflecting on first memories, we can begin to make sense of our lives, increase our capacity for self-understanding and ultimately, free ourselves from the constraints of our past including limits imposed on us by the opinions, influence and abuse of others. We can begin to experience emotional redemption.

For incredible insight into the benefit of reflecting on and understanding memory, as well as the impact early attachment relationships have on emotional intelligence, self-esteem, cognitive abilities, and social skills, I highly recommend reading (at least half-a-dozen times) Parenting From the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed., especially if you are a parent and desire a healthier relationship with your children!

Okay, big drum roll here...

My first memory: It's triggered by the smell of fresh, cut grass. I'm approximately 3 years old, sitting on my front lawn in Fresno, California watching my dad cut the grass with one of those old push-mowers. I'm fascinated as I watch my daddy and the efficient accomplishment of the task at hand. He starts, he works hard, he accomplishes... what a hero!

Have you figured me out yet?

One of my sister-in-laws recalls her first memory as running to the aid of her younger sister who had cut herself and was bleeding. At first, this sister-in-law didn't see the connection to her adult life. What's your guess? What role do you think she took on at a young age when her father passed away and her mother was not strong enough emotionally to lead and provide for the family?

I have a girlfriend who described her first two memories to me without noticing that both had the theme of being left alone. How do you think this impacts her life?

The latest neuroscience suggests that the brain can continue to learn and adapt long into our senior years. Contrary to the cliche', you CAN teach an old dog new tricks! These findings excite me and further encourage my commitment to emotional redemption. I'm not suggesting we all reach into our computers, link hands and sing, We Are The World, but I do hope you feel my energy surging through this blog as an electrical charge of hope. We can be whole! We can be well! We can find our true selves and nurture that authenticity 'til the cows come home, which means, as long as it takes.

Next post I'll share memories of the more scintillating variety including celebrity encounters (Brad and Jen) at the Emmy's, hob-knobbing with the likes of the Murdochs, Bloomingdales and Reagans, enjoying VIP treatment, and my fifteen minutes of fame as a guest on NBC's Today show. I'll be exploring the contribution these experiences made to my own Narci tendencies, and my apparent attraction to Narcis, in general. Until then...

Take care!

The Escape: Goodbye My Narcissist

noreply@blogger.com (Echo) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:44:00 +0000

At 6:45 AM on a beautiful, sunny, southern California day in late July of this year, I called my 23 year-old son and told him I was ready to go. He'd been waiting for the call and arrived within minutes to load my suitcases and the last of my boxes into my car, hug me tight, and escort me out of the neighborhood; no quick stop at Corner Bakery for a Swiss Muesli and cinnamon crisp, not that morning. Once he saw I was on the freeway, heading east, he called his older sister in Santa Monica to report I was safe and pass the baton to her. She was on the phone with me within minutes (hands free) to talk me through the tears and the first, most challenging hour of my escape. Traffic on the 101 was light, even the merge with the 134 and on through Burbank, Glendale and the 210 transition moved at a pace seldom seen in Los Angeles. I count it a minor miracle, for if I had slowed enough to consider the exits I was passing, I may have done a quick 180 and returned to the dysfunction I was fleeing.

I think back now with wonder at my tears. Certainly I wasn't crying over leaving the quaint, ought-to-be condemned, little townhouse I had christened Guadala-Helga, emphasis on "hel," and the obscene lease payment we were held hostage to pay while waiting for two out-of-state properties to sell, thank you global economic meltdown. No, I was not shedding tears over Guadala-Helga. My experience there could best be summed up with two words: projectile vomit. Honestly, there was a morning when my daughter turned on the shower and was simultaneously assaulted by, what she describes as, a tidal wave of sewer water exploding from the toilet bowl. I sprinted to her screams, was thoroughly grossed-out, donned the rubber gloves, and went at it. As I cleaned and disinfected, l found myself thinking the experience was oddly reminiscent of my firstborn's symptoms of lactose intolerance, and the evening he vomited over my shoulder and across the living room, not MY living room, mind you, but that of a stranger's home, one that I was visiting as a prospective buyer. Bummer.

Back to the tears. It seems I sobbed for hours, nearly to the state line, my sweet Yorkie keeping watch with her big, brown eyes, cocking her head from side to side, clearly exuding empathy and compassion as best a canine can. (Sidetrack: you should have seen us at the Carl's Jr. drive-thru, Diet Coke for me, water in a cup for her... so cute! her, not me.) Seriously, how could it have been so hard to leave someone who had caused me such pain, who had degraded me with such perpetual criticism, demeaned me with such artistry that I not only questioned my self-worth, but my sanity? Yes, he could still occasionally sweep me off my feet, but a girl gets wary of being swept off her feet after being dropped on her head a few too many times. I was a mess. I was clearly a mess and those pent up tears, I now believe, were not tears for him, but tears buried long and deep throughout the six year masquerade of denial and fantasy; tears that ripped from my heart right through my soul, mourning a loss, more of me than us, and simultaneously celebrating my redemption.

And that, girlfriends, is this blog's reason for being; not to re-hash every sordid or splendid episode of life with a Narci, but to share a message of emotional redemption: the possibility of freedom from the burden of being defined by others. It's a challenging task, at best. But, imagine a society of truly authentic women, women who feel comfortable in their own skin, and in love with themselves within the bounds of healthy self-appraisal, as in: "I'm really good at some things, okay at others, and raunchy at even more, but I am wonderful! I have innate and unique value and am deserving of love! Furthermore, I do not have to look like Jennifer, cook like Martha, pontificate like Hillary, or earn like Oprah to maintain this self-appreciation!" There's a name for this type of contentment, it's called peace, and for most of us, it's hard to come by. With all our collective obsession with reflections, we have become a people who, as Paul (the biblical one) said, "see through a glass, darkly."

Most of us come nowhere near understanding who we really are and what we have to offer. At my lowest moments, my Echo moments, (see The Narcissus Myth, along the sidebar) I wondered if I just wasn't lovable. What a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking thought. Granted, I married quickly following the painful ending of a twenty-two year marriage, so my sense of self- worth was already shaky. (Shame on me for thinking I was above Dr. Laura's rules! But, as you will learn, Narcis are skilled opportunists at taking advantage of such moments. Linda Martinez-Lewi, author of Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life, may have expressed it best when she wrote, "Narcissists beguile and persuade with a special brand of magic." That, he did, indeed.) Nonetheless, no one should ever have to wonder if they're lovable. No one!

I am not a psychologist. I do not offer professional advice. My education is in broadcast/journalism. My resume reads like a menu card of a little bit of this and a little bit of that, with one main course: motherhood. I will share my experience in the hopes of helping you, but it will just be my experience and what I have learned. My progress toward an authentic sense-of-self has come from recalling, pondering, observing, reading, writing, and then doing it all again. It's been work. I'll write about it, my ongoing efforts, my past life and my new life, which can be found right now in my parents' basement... a huge step up from Guadala-Helga, believe me, but still a little humiliating at my age, which is fifty.

I will start at the beginning, not literally, as in the birth canal, but what I remember to be the beginning: my first memory. I have a theory about that. But, for now, I need to get myself and my teenager off to bed, so... until next time...

Take care!