The Closet Narcissist

A Special Visit with Ally

2015-03-06T18:51:00.002-05:00

Dinner at The Vortex

This past weekend, we had the great honor of welcoming our friend Ally (Shybiker in the blogosphere) to Atlanta for a visit with us! Ally and I have known each other for six years and have some mutual friends in common. We’ve been exchanging mail, gifts, emails, and phone calls for a long time now.

In case you aren’t familiar with her blog yet, Ally is transgender. She is a woman through and through, although she might be dressed in male clothing sometimes, and I have truly never thought of her as anything but.

She knew she was a girl as early as three years old, but despite a loving relationship otherwise with her parents, she was never allowed to live as a girl. As my mother-in-law put it, it would be like telling a child with brown eyes to have blue eyes instead. But a lot of people in Ally’s world don’t see it that way, which is unfair, but it’s what she learned to live with growing up and even sometimes as an adult.

Lookin' lovely. What fun to do her makeup.

In the last few years, she’s started finally giving HERSELF permission to be who she really is (because that’s the only permission any of us really needs, right?), and her blog has chronicled that journey beautifully. She’s learning all about clothes and makeup and all the other things she always wanted to do but didn’t feel she could, and she’s going a great job.

She is also very, very shy. She doesn’t like attention drawn to her in big groups, although she can rock a courtroom like nobody’s business. I was hoping I could convince her to present as female in public here…trust me when I say you can do that in Atlanta without people batting an eye. There’s a very strong trans community here. She just was not ready, though, and I respect that too. People have to do things on their own time. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep nudging her about it, though. ;) Presenting as female would not mean she became more female, however. She is who she is regardless of how she might be dressed at the time. I just want her to someday have the joy (and, yes, excitement and butterflies too!) of knowing what that feels like. I think one day she will, and we will have a party to celebrate.

Thrift sto' checkout!

The shoes!! Wish we'd tried the white boots.

We were able to go thrift store shopping one afternoon, a fave pastime for both of us. I loved seeing how she was totally comfortable looking through all the women’s clothing and buying it. That wasn’t something she would even entertain when we first met because she was scared, and it was beautiful to see her nonchalance about it in person. We also did a photoshoot of her in the backyard after I did her makeup, and that was tons of fun! (I’m really looking forward to seeing the outfit posts she comes up with around her thrifted finds - she got some good ones!)

My best friend came over one night so we could just enjoy girl talk, and she LOVED Ally and is still talking about what a great energy she has. She said she felt like Ally was another aunt for us, which I think fits perfectly. Ally was exactly like I thought she would be in person.

One thing I have to point out publicly so Ally knows I am serious - and it’s not to embarrass her. But she, for some reason, feels like our friendship scale is tipped. She feels like I’ve always been a better friend to her than she’s been able to be for me. This baffles me completely. Throughout the last six years, she’s listened to countless emotional outpourings, donated money for sick dogs when we didn’t know how we were going to afford their treatment, and generally allowed me to be myself with no judgment. That is priceless. Even wonderful people in your life don’t always “get you” 100%, but there is never that feeling with her. Being allowed to be MYself and her being allowed to be HERself…well, that sounds pretty even to me! She even cared to hear about my old high school insecurities and seeing my letter jacket…and just having someone who delights in all the things that make you YOU is very special.

Here are some of the other highlights!

Things I “regret” (event though I don’t really regret anything from this visit!):

Vintage BMW bike at The Vortex since she's a biker!

The waiter took a selfie on my phone.
Which I'd think was a flirting attempt, but...lol.

Forgetting to offer fresh towels and a basket of fluffy towels and fancy soaps. At least I remembered to put some yummy bubble bath in the bathroom and even washed the towels…for a mom of a toddler, that’s pretty good.
I wish we had had more dress-up time! But I’m thankful for what we got. I’d have been so sad if she’d gone home and we didn't have that.
I wish we had taken a walk somewhere. Especially after all the incredible meals we had (none of which I can take credit for, unfortunately.) But it was pretty cold and/or rainy.
I wish we had watched a movie at some point. I really wanted to introduce Ally to The Babysitter’s Club, heehee. But we had plenty of talk time, which was way more important.
We forgot to buy so many things from the grocery store! We practically had nothing, including toilet paper, even though we had just shopped. How does that happen?!
We never introduced her to okra or grits - two true southern staples! But she was introduced to fried zucchini at an Atlanta restaurant called The Vortex. I’d say that’s a win because we both decided there was crack in the batter. Atlanta might not represent what traditional “southern” means, but we still love our southern food.
I didn’t much like the saying goodbye part either.

BFFs with my dawg.

Highlights of the visit (obvs, just a handful because there was so many!):

Seeing Ally’s face when she looked in the mirror for the first time after I’d just done her makeup. That was such a priceless moment. You don’t even know. She just looked at herself in amazement. (Although she doesn’t give herself enough credit for her own makeup skills.)
Just seeing her presenting as female at our house in person was priceless, even more than all the pictures I’ve seen over the years. Watching her entire face and posture and the way she carried herself change as soon as she was donning a dress was so amazing and made me want that for her 24-7 even more. It was a visceral, dramatic transformation, even though all I ever see when I look at her is a woman, regardless of how she is dressed, whether she has a wig on, and what name she chooses to introduce herself with to various people. Again, it wasn’t that she “became” more female by putting on the dress. It’s that seeing her relax into herself was nothing short of beautiful, as was (is) she, inside and out.
Hearing that the room she stayed in was indeed the girliest bedroom of her childhood dreams. I didn’t care what any other room in the house was like as long as that one was just right for her.
When she said how clean our house was, that it was beyond just cleaning for her and that we must just live that way. Boy, we sure have her fooled.
How well Ally and my husband hit it off. That was not surprising in the least, since they can both talk to anyone and pretty much get along. But they really had a great time talking and had a lot of things in common. I especially enjoyed when Ally would ask him something really deep…he’s not one to volunteer a lot of emotional-type things on his own, but he will when prodded. It was really interesting to hear the answers he gave to some of the questions and made me love him even more.
Seeing my three-year-old daughter give Ally a kiss when she was saying goodbye. She is still talking about her.
Seeing how much my pets adored her. Not a surprise since I already how much she loves animals. But one of my dogs in particular is pretty resistant to strangers and very barky, and it took her almost no time to warm up to Ally’s gentle, patient, and loving nature. Most people are put off by my loud and exuberant dog, even dog-lovers. But Ally wasn’t taking no for an answer when it came to friendship. They really formed a special bond.
All of Ally’s questions are so poignant and really make you think. It’s always been that way, in all our various types of correspondence, but even more so in person. Although sometimes when she asks something like, “What kind of furniture do you want for your new house?” you wonder if she’s just curious or really plotting to buy you an entire houseful of furniture. (Ally, we don’t need anything!!!)
I loved proving to her that people in Atlanta truly don’t care what your gender is and how you present it. We ran into other trans folks just about everywhere we went. Even though we didn’t talk to them, I think just seeing them was a comfort and inspiration to her.
It was initially going to be a Friday through Sunday deal. Getting to the airport for her flight home on Sunday, only to find out it had been canceled and she could stay with us one more day, was awesome!

All in all, it was a wonderful visit, still felt too short, and will hopefully be repeated sooner than later. Thank you, Ally, for gracing us with your presence and for being such a wonderful friend!

Saying bye at the airport. Our smiles belie our real feelings. :(

If you'd like to read about our visit from Ally's perspective (she has a beautiful and touching writeup), check it out here.

Where I'm at Right Now in My Self-Love Journey

2015-02-04T11:55:00.001-05:00

No makeup, no filter, no self-loathing.

I love the present-day self-love movement. I like to think I was a part of it way back when, when I first started this blog with my best friend. Social media has made it so easy for amazing organizations like So Worth Loving, Operation Beautiful, and Raw Beauty Talks to spread the message. I love all the self-love-themed songs that keep coming out - I even wrote my own (which I’ll happily post once I copyright it), and my current favorite is Colbie’s “Try.”

My own self-love journey has been one of winning lots of battles here and there but maybe never truly winning the war. Maybe that’s just a part of being human and experiencing ups and downs in life? I go through phases where I absolutely adore myself inside and out…and then something might trigger a downslide into a mini depression about it. It might be a picture of myself that I didn’t think was flattering. It might be comparing myself to another girl. It might be the way my stomach looks that day. In fact, it’s probably my stomach. I seem to feel good about myself as long as I like the way my stomach looks. When it is bigger from a meal or at the end of the day, I can get very self-conscious about it. Sometimes I sneak looks at it a billion times a day to see how it’s “holding up.” It doesn’t change the way I eat very much; I love to eat, and I still think if I want a donut, I’m gonna eat a donut. But how much of my day am I spending thinking about my stomach when I could be thinking about so much more worthwhile things? I mean, really. It sounds so unimportant when I spell it out in words. It feels so important at the time when we’re caught up in it, though, doesn’t it? Why do I easily and truthfully believe that all body sizes and shapes are beautiful...for everyone but myself?

I’ve gone through times when I embraced myself (stomach included), only to sink back again into worrying about it. I’ve gained and lost a little weight a few times. But I’m always me. My me-ness is still there, and my happiness with myself shouldn’t rely on my weight or appearance. Why does it sometimes? It’s not right that I love myself so easily when I’m at the weight I want to be and not as much when I’m not. Now, I do have a weight range that just feels best inside my body. I have more energy there and feel less sluggish, and my clothes that I love so much fit better. But it still shouldn’t be the end all, be all. That number is actually higher than most people’s my height, and it took me a while to realize that a number on the scale really is unique to the individual. It helped when nurses weighing me at the doctor’s office would do double-takes at the scale and say they thought I would be ten pounds less than that - as shallow as it sounds, it helped me see that my number looks fine on me. I don’t know if I just have heavy bones or what, but I’m good with it now. When I was in high school, I thought I was supposed to be 115 pounds. I didn’t realize then how vastly different that number looks on different bodies. If I were to actually go down to 115, people would start worrying about my health (they started worrying when I was only two pounds below the low end of my ideal weight). I know people making comments about weight either way can sometimes be destructive, but I’m glad they did in this case, because my own image of myself in the mirror had become skewed from reality.

So what do I believe in my core, even when I do things that go against my beliefs like Stomach Watch 1991-2015? I think healthy (or at least semi-healthy) eating is kind to your body - and I also believe indulging sometimes is kind to your spirit. I believe in exercising or dancing or doing some kind of movement to keep your body healthy, strong, and fluid even as you age - whichever one resonates with you the most or a combo. I also believe in not taking it to the extreme for the sake of being thin or pushing your body too hard. I love makeup and clothes and actually am sort of addicted. I’m not going to say none of that is for the sake of impressing people by looking good. But most of it is just because I really enjoy it. I also finally got to the point a few years ago where I didn’t have to have makeup on everywhere I went. Most of the time, I can now feel just as good about myself in pajamas and no makeup as I do in a great outfit and my face done. I like that I can experience both of those things without going to one extreme or the other. I don’t begrudge anyone who’s at either end of the spectrum, though; a balance of both is just what feels right for me. I believe you should change your appearance if you want to and leave it be if you don’t. If you do, make sure your motivations are in check. Outside validation feels good; it just does. But it can’t be the main source of how we view ourselves. Most likely, you’re already great exactly the way you are.

I have a three-year-old daughter. I don’t want her to catch me sneaking stomach peeks. And do you know that even when kids don’t see us doing those things and don’t hear negative self-talk from us, they know when we love and embrace ourselves and when we don’t. They pick up on it. I know because I picked up on it from my mom. No matter how beautiful and perfect she thought I was (and told me), I knew she didn’t think she was. And that sends a powerful message. She passed away before she could ever experience true self-love, and it breaks my heart every day. I don’t want that for myself or my child. It’s crucial to me to guide my daughter into keeping the same self-love she has now at three for the rest of her life - because I think most kids start out with it, only to have it slowly evaporate over time. I hope I’m giving her a good foundation to build on so that she can see herself the way I see her. And I want to see myself the way my mom saw me.

Think of whatever girl or woman tends to trigger your negative feelings about your appearance the most. And then realize that even she has those feelings about herself sometimes. Victoria’s Secret models get nervous and self-conscious - and don’t roll your eyes and say, “Boo-hoo for them,” because we’re all human, with insecurities, doubts, and fears. Everyone on this earth can always find in someone else some quality they wish they were more like. And someone’s looking at you the same way, trust me. Sometimes I have poise and confidence as I walk through town; sometimes I trip on a crack in the sidewalk or over a table at the coffee shop (true stories). It’s a beautiful gift to be able to laugh at yourself and realize that everyone else in the world feels what you feel at one time or another. It’s not until we start talking about it with each other instead of hoping no one notices - and thereby knowing others actually relate to us - that we can start freeing ourselves of our self-set traps. Simply talking about it or writing it down to share with someone automatically releases some of the power your insecurities have over you.

Something that also helps me, which I learned through coaching, is to visualize going inside your body into the area that causes you grief. Describe what it looks like - what color it is, how it feels (warm, cold, texture), how it makes you feel being in there. You can talk to it and tell it you love it - or tell it why you don't love it but that you really want to learn how to. This isn't a once-and-done exercise, at least for me, but whenever I make time to do it, it helps me. Visualizations where you walk up to your childhood self (or whatever age you were when something happened that changed the way you saw yourself) and tell her you love her and want to heal her are also really powerful.

I’m actually miles ahead of where I used to be, and I’m proud of that and thankful. I don’t want to beat myself up for my off days either, because that’s still questioning my own worth. I’m no longer trying to achieve perfection in my self-love journey or in myself. I think if I can truly love and embrace myself inside and out the majority of the time, that is something to celebrate.

Conversation with my daughter today...

Her: (singing "Try" while building Legos)

Me: That song is about loving yourself and being happy with yourself.

Her: (gleefully shouting) I LOVE MYSELF!!!!

Me: I am so glad to hear that. I love myself too.

Her: Does everybody love theirself?

Me: Sadly, not everyone does, even though they should. I hope you always love yourself as much as you do now.

A self-love Valentine.

2014-02-14T15:00:00.001-05:00

Free Sexiness & Confidence Telecall TONIGHT!

2014-02-12T17:25:00.000-05:00

*I have personal experience working with Elizabeth. Don't miss this call TONIGHT, gals!*

Join Chief Vixen Elizabeth Malone of Moxie Coaching as she reveals secrets for being sexy from the inside out and living a turned-on life.

Do you want to feel hotter? Do you want to start to believe, even just a little bit, that you are sexy? Do you want to have more of what you desire and spicier relationships? Do you want to feel sexy even on those days you’re wearing your sweatpants and you have a cold? You can. Rendezvous with me for a telecall as I reveal secrets for unleashing your inner vixen and living a turned-on life. Call in Wednesday, February 12th at 7 pm eastern (phone: 1-267-507-0240 and pin: 521285) when Janelle Holden, (janelleholden.com) will be interviewing me on her Expert Series.

We will talk about why your sexiness is vital and how to have more of it. Owning and rocking your sexiness is about you stepping into and owning your power as a woman. It is your birthright to genuinely love your body and know you’re the hottest thing ever, have a vibrant life you adore and beautify the planet with your glow. Everyone who joins the call Wednesday will receive a discount on a special Get Your Sexy Back™ program.

Will you join us and find out more? It’ll be a hot time. I so looking forward to connecting and sharing my secrets with you this Wednesday!

In hotness and gratitude, Elizabeth ~ Moxie’s Chief Vixen

The Details:

Complimentary Telecall
Wednesday, February 12
7:00 p.m. eastern std time
Call # 1-267-507-0240
Passcode #: 521285

A bit about Elizabeth and Moxie ~

Elizabeth Malone helps women get their sexy back and live hot fun lives that they love. She is a certified life coach via the Coaches Training Institute and the International Coach Federation and has coached hundreds of women since she opened her business, Moxie, in 2006. Whether coaching individuals or groups she uses her tools, training and experience to help her Moxie Chicks tap into their innate feminine guidance, which every woman possesses.www.Moxiechicks.com

Hey, you out there. You're not alone.

2013-10-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

A TV in the background at lunch today alerted me to the recent suicide-from-bullying in Florida. A 12-year-old girl from Florida, Rebecca Sedwick, committed suicide after being bullied (online and in person) for a year by two girls. Both girls have been charged with a third-degree felony. You can read more about it here.

On the way home, I popped in Taylor Swift's first CD (a classic, man!! I love it!), and her song "Tied Together With a Smile" made me think of this girl and the countless others like her. While the song doesn't specifically address bullying, it talks about a girl (assuming it's a girl, but it could be anybody) who thinks she isn't pretty and is struggling to hold it all together so everyone else will think she's still "the golden one" - a/k/a perfect. She doesn't talk to anyone about her problems and cries when she's alone so no one will know.

There are so many hurting girls and women out there who don't realize how worthy, loved, and inherently amazing they are. I hope and pray that my little section of the blogosphere can help some of them out there to at least begin the journey toward self-acceptance and, ultimately, self-celebration.

P.S. I am getting an insane amount of spam comments through Intense Debate, and since Blogger now offers a direct reply option, I'm going back to Blogger comments. If you go to any old posts and don't see anything, either the ID comments disappeared, or no one ever commented...lol. I hope reinstating Blogger commenting will make it easier for at least some of you out there to leave thoughts! I love reading them. If you prefer to email so it's more private, I'm at theclosetnarcissist at gmail dot com.

Labeling: The Good, the Bad, & the...IS?

2013-08-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

Something that I have really started paying attention to in my life is how I tend to label myself, particularly emotions and traits of mine, as "good" or "bad."

As an entrepreneur (I never get tired of saying that!), I have run across scads of other amazing and inspiring female entrepreneurs. One of them is Stephanie from Personal Branding for Introverts. While personality tests tell me I'm not exactly introverted, I definitely have some introvert traits that run deep. My horoscope explains it with my sun sign being Leo (typically extroverted/attention-loving) and my moon sign being Virgo (which apparently tempers my Leo-ness with a bit of timidity). So I really enjoy her insights on how to be confident and sell yourself and your services as a businessperson. One post in particular really resonated with me recently because she talks about those labels we tend to assign to things.

Sometimes things aren't really good or bad. They just ARE what they are. One example is how I was complaining to my business coach that I am just too impatient as a person and that I was feeling a lot of guilt over it. She said, "What if impatience didn't have to be 'good' or 'bad'? What if it's precisely your impatient nature that makes you a go-getter who has the gumption to run your own business and go after what you want in life?"

I had never looked at it like that before, and let me tell you, that was life-changing. Ever since, I've been trying to consciously examine the things I assume about myself - whether inside or outside - and decide if it can really be labeled so concretely or if it just is what it is. It's quite freeing.

The very opener to Stephanie's post is:

Q: What makes a personality trait good or bad?

A: The word you choose to describe it.

Doesn't get much more powerful than that, right?

Sometimes, simply changing a word you use to describe yourself can make all the difference in how you view yourself - and, therefore, affects your level of confidence and sense of worth. Merely converting "timid" or "bashful" to "unpretentious" or "non-aggressive" certainly puts things in a different light, no? What if "loner" becomes "individualistic"? Stephanie offers several more examples, in addition to these, of adjective conversion in the post.

While the post is geared toward common adjectives that introverts might use to describe themselves, the principle can really be applied to so many ways we use to describe (read: judge) ourselves, whether you're introverted or not.

What is a negative self-talk adjective you commonly use, and what is the more positive equivalent you can start using instead?

How to be a Confident Entrepreneur

2013-05-26T14:22:00.001-04:00

As an entrepreneur and mom (a "mompreneur"), I am well aware of the daily hits confidence can take. Motherhood and entrepreneurship bring you face-to-face with every insecurity you never knew you had. Each make you wonder if you're good enough even though you love it. Each will bring out aliveness, fears, passions, emotions, stresses, wonderment, highs, and lows. Try doing both at the same time like I am (with a toddler, no less!), and you're probably gonna struggle with low confidence sometimes and question if you're cut out for either one and why the hell you ever thought you could do a good job. A business is like another child, and both require a great deal of nurturing and responsibility. Sometimes it all gets a little overwhelming.

I worked in the corporate world for a long time and was severely unhappy. But I kept sticking with it because it was good experience and because I was afraid that I couldn't make it on my own. Entrepreneurship runs in my blood from both sides of my family, and I knew "someday" I would be one. I struggled along in misery waiting for the day that would magically feel like "someday." Then I got laid off. I got hired again but decided to amp up my freelance business I'd had going forever and see if maybe I could take it further. But I got burned out after a while. I decided I couldn't have a regular job, be a mom, and have my own business, so my own business had to go. Two days after I made that decision, I got laid off for the second time. WTF?! I took that as the ultimate sign that someone was not gonna allow me to get out of it so easily! My husband - who had kept telling me all along not to give up on my business - and I decided I would not look for another job, that I would instead devote that time and energy to my business. After a couple days of quaking in my boots and being afraid I couldn't do my part to take care of our family, I jumped in with both feet even more seriously than I had ever been before. I'm no longer doing it on the side or "hoping it will work out." I am making it work out. Shiz got real. I have myself a full-fledged marketing strategy, design, and writing business that lights my fire like no job I've ever had - and guess who I am helping? Other entrepreneurs. Clients are falling in my lap without all the traditional "trying hard" - clients that light my fire too, awesome people that I care about helping. Not to mention one stressful day working for myself makes me a million times happier than one good day working for someone else.

But even with all of this, I have down days. I have nights where I lie awake with my hamster wheel spinning in my brain, telling me that maybe it wasn't really a sign from the universe when I got laid off…maybe all this is just a fluke…seriously, who am I to think I'm capable of doing this?!

So here is what is working for me. This is not really new information, but maybe the way I'm packaging it will resonate with you. If you are thinking of launching your own business or already have one and wonder if you can do it, I promise if you follow these three guidelines, it will catapult you in the right direction!

1) Hire a coach already!

I love to tell the story about how I met my coach, Francoise Everett with Guilt-Free Mothering. We attended the same networking event for women, and I "happened" to sit next to her. It's customary at these events for everyone to say their name and what their business is, and when she stood and said the words "Guilt-Free Mothering," I had absolutely no idea what she meant or what she does, but I turned to her and said, "I need to talk to you." So, afterward, we did. I found out that she coaches entrepreneurial moms to help them not only launch or enhance their business but also release guilt from their role as a mom and find real ways to manage all the responsibilities without losing sanity or sacrificing yourself or your family. I was an easy sell on the one hand because I instantly realized the value in something like that. I'd been freelancing on the side for several years, but actually trying to make your own business your livelihood is a whole other ballgame, and getting some professional guidance made total sense! I also struggle a lot with guilt as a mom, and knowing she could teach me to overcome that would be a gift to my daughter and to me. Business coaching + mom coaching = a two-fer! Plus, I instantly liked her. I knew we'd hit it off and that she would be able to get through to me. And if you're going to pay someone to coach you and spend oodles of time with them, you'd better like 'em as a person.

The part that held me back was cost. I was afraid I couldn't afford it. But do you know that when I decided it would work and that the investment would go right back into my business, that was when the universe recognized I was taking my business seriously…that was when things began to open up. Quickly. It's kind of like how hiring someone to do your marketing for you (such as myself) is an investment back into your business. Sometimes we need an expert in their field to hold our hand and guide us to where we need to be. It might be a lifestyle coach who helps you figure out what you want to do with yourself. It might be a parenting coach. It might be a business coach. It might be a confidence or happiness coach. Whoever it is, when you take that step and realize you don't have to handle it all yourself, it opens up great things in your life. Even my coach has a coach. No one on this earth is done growing. We can all use strategy from someone who's been there. Someone to get straight with us and drill down to the root of whatever holds us back (that we didn't even know was holding us back). Here are some coaches you can look into, and this is only a sampling of what's out there.

Guilt-Free Mothering with Francoise - for entrepreneurial moms and women
Stratejoy with Molly Mahar - for women in transition (relationships, motherhood, business, etc.)
Mara Glatzel - for self-love and growth
Hey Shenee - business and branding coaching
Moxie with Elizabeth Malone - to get your sexy back
Passion Fruit with Wendy Watkins - getting you in touch with your purpose and passion

2) Comparison is an evil joy-sucker!

This is Self-Confidence 101 for any area in your life. I'm always preaching that we need to stop comparing our looks and lives to other women and stick together because everyone struggles. I've gotten better about that, but running a business is quite a responsibility, and looking at what others in your field are doing, while often valuable, can make you wonder if you're as good as someone else. The main thing to remember here is: you have a story only you can tell. No one else in the whole wide world can bring your experiences and your particular gifts to the table. You don't have to cater to everyone - and, in fact, you shouldn't. You only have to cater to the kind of people you specifically want to help and who are a good fit. Something about you and the way you view the world will be the best fit for the right type of client. They like your approach, and you don't even have to sell them too hard. The clients who aren't the right fit go elsewhere, but that's good, because they leave space for the right ones to fill. It's a little like the day you meet your BFF...you get this feeling inside that a partnership with that client is going to enrich both your lives.

Most days, I feel confident in my talents and abilities to do what I do. It feels not only like a passion but a compulsion, like I simply must do it. But it's so easy to let doubt creep in when my defenses are down. I recently ran across a website for a super talented designer - and I admit that when I was first looking at her site, I felt intimidated until I realized her target client is completely different from mine. And until I found this blog post she wrote (You are gooder than that. Just keep going. And going. And going.) where she discusses her own insecurities that pop up. I thought, "If someone that talented struggles with self-doubt, EVERY entrepreneur probably does." And you know what? They do! Even the best of the best at the top of the entrepreneurial totem pole of success and fame STILL goes to bed occasionally wondering why they ever thought they were cut out for this and what they could possibly have to offer that isn't already being done. It's okay to be scared and feel doubt. Acknowledge the feelings; don't run from them. But remember what we feel in one moment in time does not have to define how we feel overall.

3) Come from a place of authenticity and love.

I did a target client exercise that my coach sent me that really drilled down into the specifics of the "ideal client" I can best help. It really got me thinking about one particular client of mine who is often stressed and burning the candle at both ends. We hadn't done any work on her business in a little while because she felt she couldn't take on anything else. I asked myself how I could try to make her feel a little better. So I texted her and told her that I hoped she would have some time to relax over the weekend and that she deserved a break. I wasn't trying to get back on her radar. I was coming from a place of genuine compassion for her. Another example is that I sent someone I met an email telling her tactfully that her website was not reaching its full potential. I wasn't trying to win her over as a client; I simply wanted to help her in some way, whether she hired me or someone else to handle it. She's in her business partly to make a living - as we all are - and was incredibly appreciative of my being willing to be honest with her.

What I do for people is more than a marketing plan to make them more money; it's getting to know them and trying to make their lives easier in some way, to make them feel supported. In just about any line of work, you're offering people some kind of service beyond just what your business is about. If you're an IT professional, you're maintaining networks and workstations so they run smoothly - and your clients' lives and jobs run more smoothly as a result. That's a service within a service. Even if you feel there is no possible service within the service for your line of work, simply being nice and smiling at people makes people's days better. When you can connect with that feeling of higher purpose, when you focus not only on what you can do but the WHY behind what you do (the passion, the drive, and making a difference in some way), that's when the magic happens. Always come from a place of truth and authenticity. That is what will attract clients to you. That's who people like to be around. And besides that, I am in love with my business, and I LOVE my clients. I love seeing their faces light up; I live for hearing their sighs of relief when they realize I'm going to help them through.

I questioned for a while if I wanted to write this post and have it associated with my business in any way. It's easy to feel like you have to present a perfect image to your clients 100% of the time or run the risk of them thinking you're not professional enough or qualified to be advising them. But what I am finding more and more is that people just want the freedom to be real and to work with people who are real too. Being vulnerable enough to admit my insecurities and struggles doesn't make me less qualified for anything at all. It makes me a real, accessible, relatable human being. The designer that wrote that blog post about her own insecurities? If I were the type of client who needed what she does, I'd hire her any day over someone who tried to look like they have it all together because she was authentic.

So here's my challenge to you.

Try out these three guidelines for at least six weeks. Then see if you aren't in a very different place from where you started.

What are your own strategies for kicking entrepreneurial self-doubt out on its ass with its ratty suitcase?

Guess What Radically Affects Your Self-Esteem: Sleep!

2013-04-24T00:26:00.003-04:00

It seems so obvious now. How did I not catch it before? Sleep is directly related to self-esteem. If you don't get enough sleep, you don't feel at your best, don't act your best, don't reach your potential. When you don't do those things, it can open you up to feeling "less than." If lack of sleep makes you irritable, you might start to feel guilty when you snap at people you love, which also makes you feel terrible about yourself. You might even start to feel worthless over time just because you don't have enough energy to do much. I, The Closet Narcissist, actually said aloud to my husband yesterday in tears, "I don't like myself anymore." I realized most of that feeling was stemming from byproducts of lack of sleep. Today, when I actually woke up rested, I felt like an awesome mom who has a lot to contribute to the world; I went from one end of the spectrum to the other, all because of one good night's sleep.

Sleep had always been a precious commodity to me, until I had my daughter and I started placing less importance on it (or maybe I should say she placed less importance on my sleep? Ha.). Even though I'm a night owl who prefers to stay up a little late and get up later, I usually require a good 8-10 hours consistently in order to feel rested and at my best. Unlike my husband who can get by on as little as 5 if he needs to. When we had our daughter, we had the normal newborn period of waking every two hours at night, but somehow your mind and body just get through it. You're kind of in a daze, but everything else in your life takes a backseat to the baby, and you don't have the energy to care or worry about much else. A little later on, everything else still takes a backseat to the baby, as it should, but you are forced back into the realities of life if you want to remain in your home and keep up your mortgage payment and other bills. Add to that working - and/or being a stay-at-home mom - and there are all kinds of things vying for your energy and attention. If you don't try to get a decent amount of sleep, you end up cranky, feeling guilty, extremely down on yourself, and overwhelmed. Did I say you? I meant me. But it would probably happen to you too. Those things can happen as a parent even when you do get enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes it harder.

Since I am working at home (a part-time day job, plus my own freelance business), in addition to taking care of our daughter, our pets, the house, bills, all that stuff - though my husband helps - my energy gets tapped out pretty quickly. If I don't get enough sleep, I have even less of a reserve to draw from. In order to get some kind of time to myself, or get all my work done, I often find myself staying up late and paying for it the next day. This is somewhat of a time management issue, I think. Or sometimes I just get involved in a really good book that I simply cannot stop reading until I'm done. Sometimes if I don't properly detox my thoughts before I lie down, I will either lie awake or wake up at 3 am and can't go back to sleep.

And then if your child doesn't get enough sleep, that's even worse. Your sanity starts to slowly - maybe quickly - slip away. Our daughter has always been a "good sleeper" but has always required sleeping with us and napping while being worn in the Ergo carrier until recently, which is sometimes challenging but what we feel she needs. (Please don't offer parenting advice; no offense, but we've got it. Co-sleeping at night isn't what's causing any of our sleep issues - it's other stuff. Plus, there's nothing like snuggling my angel all night and being close to her when I'm wearing her; it's just that sometimes I gotta get stuff done.) When she hit 17 months, she just stopped napping. She was irritable and tired all the time, so I was too, and my own lack of sleep wasn't helping me stay hopeful. It's taken weeks of patiently (impatiently) getting her back on a two-nap-a-day schedule, so much of my day is just devoted to helping her wind down and sleep. We are finally getting there, and it's been going well. But it's been a long road of helping her learn that sleep is safe and good again, even if she's in her own bed for naps. The upside is that it's offered me somewhat of a vacation with a lot of reading and relax time when she does sleep. My daughter is a totally different toddler when she is rested than when she's not. I love her just as much all the time regardless, of course, but when she's rested, she's such a freakin' delight; I can't get enough.

I am determined to make my own sleep as precious to me as my daughter's. We will all benefit.

I also need to view myself with the same grace as I view her. She's still not any less wonderful of a person in an unrested, irritable state; neither am I, so I need to stop berating myself.

In an effort to make sure we all get enough sleep, here is what we are doing - which is the result of a lot of trial and error.

Supplements. I have weird limb pain sometimes at night that makes it really uncomfortable to try to sleep. A doctor prescribed a muscle relaxer for me, but I didn't fill it because she said it would make me really drowsy (which might be a good thing if we didn't co-sleep, but that would make it dangerous). I read that magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer and started taking a supplement about 30 minutes before bed, sometimes along with melatonin, and it works. For my daughter, we tried a magnesium supplement called Kids Calm that worked great for a friend's kid. It didn't seem to do much for her. We're now using Bach Kids Rescue Remedy flower drops, and it seems to be helping enough that I'm planning to get some for me. It has an ingredient that is supposed to help calm erratic thoughts.

Earlier bedtimes. For both of us. She used to naturally go to sleep every night at 10 pm (from birth). When she reached a certain age, that wasn't working anymore, so we moved it back. I'm also moving mine back but not too much. I've noticed if I fall asleep too early, that's when I wake at 3 am and can't go back to sleep. If I stay up too late, then I obviously don't get enough sleep either. I think I've found the right time for me to go to sleep and wake up, and I wake up actually feeling refreshed. I make a conscious effort to stop doing anything that requires a lot of mental capacity half an hour before I lie down to give myself some time to unwind. Most toddlers thrive on consistency and routine. Not ours! She wants circumstances to vary in order to sleep. Sometimes she wants music, sometimes not. Sometimes she wants to sleep in her bed, our bed, the guest bed, the Ergo carrier. And that's fine by me; I totally identify. However, the one type of consistency that does work for her is making sure she naps or at least rests at the same two times every day (or as close as possible). With her still taking two naps a day, it's pretty tough to make plans outside the house unless it's something quick. But the alternative is much more difficult to deal with. :)

Brain dumping. Like a good crap, brain dumping can take a load off. Sorry, but I'm a bit past the magic time I need to go to bed, despite my own advice, so I'm getting a little silly. If you have a lot on your mind, you can consciously go over a list of things to do the next day in your mind or jot them down. Treat it as a purge. Once it's gone, you're not allowed to let yourself think about it anymore. Make a concerted effort to focus on a really positive memory instead - something that has already happened so you don't get excited or start planning anything. If you just can't redirect your thoughts, try this next tip.

Listening to something soothing. My daughter and I both sleep better with some white noise, usually a fan. I've also been known to turn on my hypnotherapy or HypnoParenting mp3s on my phone, which usually lull us right off. I think she and I both have a similar problem of not being able to shut off our brains. I have an endless, exhausting stream of consciousness that never gives me a break unless I'm reading, watching mindless TV, or listening to hypnotherapy. I'd give anything sometimes to be able to turn it off like a light switch and get some friggin' peace once in a while. I worry. Like a LOT. About everything. As if I don't have enough legitimate stuff to worry about, I will make up things to worry about as well. Worry makes it very hard to sleep restfully. If you can really zone in on a soothing sound you hear in the room and let it fill up your senses, it helps drown out your thoughts so you can relax.

Massage. My daughter loves to have her back and feet rubbed to help her relax. So do I. I ask my husband to do so quite regularly and no longer feel bad about it because he's happy to and because if it helps me relax, it's good for everyone. I'm thinking about getting back to the chiropractor too.

Bathtime. I don't shower every day. Most newish moms don't. It's just a fact of life. And my daughter isn't usually dirty enough at this age to need one every day. But we're going to start doing it at least almost every night because it's a chance to unwind, and warm water and smelly-good things help us relax. Even though she plays in the bath and sometimes gets too playful, there is just something about going to bed feeling clean.

Removing the pressure to sleep. When you feel like you should be sleeping, all it does is make it more elusive. If my daughter is fighting sleep and doesn't want to give in (and she fights it harder than any kid I've ever seen), I will tell her, "You don't have to sleep. You do have to be still and quiet and relax." She can sense when I let go of the desperation and pressure, and it helps her to let go and sleep. And even if she doesn't sleep, she has to use the whole allotted time to relax so she at least slows down for a bit. For my problem of waking in the wee hours, I'll admit, some of my best work and ideas have come from that 2-4 am window when I couldn't sleep. One time, I woke up and could not stop thinking about one of my freelance clients. So many ideas were flooding into my mind that I had to get up and type them all out. It turned out to be very valuable info. During these times, I try to let it come if it needs to and not chastise myself for being awake. Taking the pressure off myself helps me go back to sleep easier when I'm done. Sometimes it's just flat out easier to concentrate on stuff late at night when the rest of the house is quiet and distraction-free. That's usually when I blog.

Making sleep feel safe again. If you have a lot of bad, or even really vivid dreams, you might dread sleep. If you lie awake a lot, you might dread that stretch of time lying in bed all uncomfortable. For my daughter, she is terrified of waking up alone. So we sit with her for her naps when she's in her own bed. She might stir a little and look up to see if we're there; when she sees us, she falls back asleep. After some time of doing this, we will slowly inch farther away until she feels secure waking up without us in the room. In the meantime, I try to use the time to read or work so that I'm not thinking of all the things I "could" be doing instead of sitting in her room, which will only lead to her feeling that pressure (plus, one day when she is older, I won't have such a sweet opportunity to just watch her sleep). I realize that it might sound like we're bending over backwards for her sleep schedule. We are; I have no delusions. But trust me when I say that it's much harder to deal with her not getting that sleep. It's so worth it. And it's a temporary thing; as she grows and learns, she will gradually feel more comfortable. If you're the one with the problem, think of ways to change your negative associations about sleep.

Pacifier. Okay, that only works for one of us. And I promise I will wean myself off in a few months.

Do you have any sleep tips that work for you? (Perhaps reading this post since it's super long?)

Have you noticed if you feel worse about yourself when you're tired?

The Benefits of Having the Gunk

2013-02-21T22:00:00.000-05:00

photo by sweethardt

I have finally made it through one of the sickest periods of my life. I always thought that my child wouldn't be a germ factory like everyone else's kids. For the first year of my daughter's life, that was true! Then, suddenly, it was bam-bam-bam. All three of us came down with some awful cold a few weeks ago, and I had barely just started getting over it when I was hit with something else, something worse. It laid me out enough where my husband had to stay home from work one day and my in-laws came over the next. I was too out of it to be my normal mom self and take care of my child, which was a horrible feeling. I am not 100% better yet but am definitely getting there.

In talking with my business/life coach, Francoise Everett of Guilt-Free Mothering, during a recent session, we realized there are some positive things that can come out of being sick - things you don't usually recognize until after you're feeling fine again, because none of it seems positive in the thick of it when you can't breathe and your abs feel like you've done 250 crunches from all the sneezing and coughing you've done.

These positive byproducts are things I hope to incorporate more into my normal, everyday, non-sick life as well so that it doesn't always take being sick to remind me of them.

Being sick makes you unapologetic.

I have long struggled with some incessant need to explain myself to people and justify my actions. I think it largely comes from a place of just wanting to feel understood, to make sure people don't have the wrong impression of me. What it took me a while to realize is that constantly needing to explain or prove yourself to people does not usually make you look better to people; instead, it can have the opposite effect of making you appear insecure. "Explaining yourself all the time actually weakens your power," Francoise says. "It chips away at your vitality and aliveness." And your sense of self. As she pointed out, being sick is an excuse unto itself why you can't do something that someone might ask of you. No more justification than that is necessary. If you don't feel up to doing what they're asking you to do, you simply tell them that you're sick and can't do it. 9 times out of 10, people will understand. You don't even have to say you're sorry; it's not like you can help it. This is something I want to get better at. Part of being confident is respectfully saying how you feel without feeling like you need to over-state your case, as well as saying no to things that don't feel good to you and knowing that you don't need to explain yourself for it. It doesn't mean you have a pompous attitude that says you do what you want whenever you want because you're the queen of everything. It just means you know how you feel and why, and you rest in that knowledge without fear of what everyone will think of you.

Being sick forces self-care and rest.

New moms probably have some of the weakest immune systems in the world. You rarely truly "rest." My version of resting usually involves reading for a bit after my daughter goes to sleep or intending to read and falling asleep with her. I do take small breaks when my husband is home and have gotten much better about carving out "me" time, time with my friends, etc. But it's still really hard for me. I don't mean it to be a martyr-y thing at all. It's simply really hard for me to be apart from her. Being this sick ~~allowed~~ forced me to rest a lot. I really didn't have much choice. I didn't like not being able to be her normal mom. But my body was telling me flat out that it needed rest and was going to take it whether I liked it or not, by God. I wasn't capable of much more than lying in bed in a congested stupor. I went to bed early every night. I rested during the day. Those are things I hadn't done in a long time. I want going to bed at a decent hour to be my norm when I am well too. In a morbid way, even though I missed my daughter so much because I was here but not "here," it was kind of nice to have an excuse to do a lot of being still and quiet, which is not something I get much of these days!

Being sick makes you weed out the unimportant.

As I said, I wasn't capable of doing much more than resting. So I was not at all concerned about constantly checking email and Facebook on my phone like normal. I could've cared less what most emails had to say because I simply didn't have the mental capacity to process it, and I only dealt with ones I really needed to deal with and skipped over time-wasting email newsletters and sale blasts. Such small things that actually add up to quite a bit of the time people spend. Being sick also cured me for a while of wanting things. Who cares about a new pair of earrings you had your eye on when you start to question whether you will ever get out of bed and be seen in public again anyway? I'm not saying it's wrong to want things or waste some time farting around online here and there. But being sick taught me to try and keep those things in check better.

Being sick makes you grateful for things you take for granted.

Like breathing and other small victories. It also made me so happy when I became Normal Mom again and could play with my daughter and be silly with her again. Suddenly, you are grateful for air, for food tasting right again, for not waking up twelve times a night hacking, for being able to sit through a conversation and understand and participate because your brain isn't in a sickness-induced fog anymore. It just makes you more appreciative in general. And that, perhaps, is the most important thing we should get out of being sick: learning to live in a state of gratitude for big things and small.

Hopefully you can live vicariously through my sickness and consciously implement these four things into your daily life without having to go through the gunk part. And I hope to remain conscious of them as much as possible.

What is your biggest silver lining after you get well?

The Quest for Precious - AKA First World Problems

2013-02-20T23:09:00.003-05:00

Riding sidesaddle with envy is a dangerous practice: I would be happy if I had what he or she possesses. By contrast, giving thanks constantly and in all circumstances liberates us from envy.

Edward Hays - The Great Escape Manual

Is this you? You see something you like, and then you want it. Like...really want it. To the point where you feel like it is not a want but a need. Whatever "it" is, it becomes an obsession. You deliberate for a little bit on whether or not you can justify the purchase. Things have been a little tight lately. You could make it work, but should you? So then you spend hours - yes, hours - perusing the interwebs and shops to see if you can find the same thing somewhere else for a cheaper price. You might even run across a pretty good facsimile of the thing and almost convince yourself that the more affordable item will do the trick...but, deep down, you know it won't. You realize that spending less money on something sub-par that's not quite what you really want is more wasteful than spending more on something you know you will use, which only serves to help you justify the purchase that much more. Even though you are perfectly aware of how ridiculous it is scrolling endlessly through a Google Image search, Craigslist, or eBay or favoriting things on etsy, you can't stop thinking about it until you've bought it. It's like an itch you have to scratch. Your own version of a "Precious."

I do it. I get something in my head, and it's over with. There is no resting until that thing is mine. It's silly and kind of embarrassing to admit, really, even though they're almost never expensive things. But I convince myself so easily that I will just feel good once I get this thing. But then what happens? I get the thing, and I totally love it, and I use it. It's not like it just gets shoved in the back of the closet to collect dust bunnies, never to be heard from again. But in no time at all, I'm onto the next quest that has caught my attention. Call me spoiled, but I think it's actually so much deeper than that for most of us. So, once again, I'm laying my flaws out there as an effort to give you something real you can relate to.

The instance my husband teases me about the most is THE BLUE DRESS. A few years ago, I was out somewhere and saw a girl walk by in a royal blue jersey dress. Nowadays, I'd just walk right up and ask her where she bought it and hopefully save myself a lot of time and restless energy, but I didn't do that. She looked so casual-pretty. Breezy. And in that instant, I decided I had to have a royal blue jersey dress. I scoured stores and the web. I finally found one, months later (the obsession didn't die down in all that time), and bought it. And it was cheap. But...it wasn't royal blue. It was more electric blue. I hardly ever wear that dress. I actually did see almost the exact same dress last year at Target, but I already had one in teal, and I couldn't justify buying the blue one. But do you know part of me kind of wishes I had? It’s just a freaking T-shirt dress, for God’s sake! Seriously, y'all, ridiculous. I feel so embarrassed right now that I'm beyond tempted to delete this whole example from the post, for fear of a loathsome comment telling me this is why terrorists hate the Western world and to stop moaning and groaning over non-existent problems. Lest you think I grew up on Easy St., I didn't. I'm not used to always getting what I want. I never got the Barbie Dreamhouse I coveted; instead, I got plastic bookshelves that I turned into condos, complete with my own hand-sewn textiles and hand-drawn wall art. (To this day, I credit not getting what I wanted with a huge chunk of my creativity.)

So then...where does this come from, and why do we let these things consume us? Here are some reasons you might relate to.

We are attracted to beautiful things.

That might sound elementary, but not everyone is. My husband isn't. (Except for me! ha) He is a functional kind of guy. He could care less if the ambience of a room is set by the paint color; he just wants the rooms and house to function well for what he needs. I, on the other hand, need it to be pretty as well. My current quest: redoing my home office. Now, I honestly don't think this is unjustified. You'd agree if you knew what it looks like in its current state. I am now running my own business, and I need a creative, inspiring, clean space in which to work more productively. We didn't have a real desk, so that was the first thing on my list. Luckily, Kam felt her "thrifty senses tingling" and found exactly the kind of desk I wanted on Craigslist for a steal. (Incidentally, she shares this syndrome; she just has far more patience to wait than I do.) But prior to that, I'd done several searches on the web and at antique stores for this type of desk. No other type of desk would do. And the only reason I so-called "have time" to do this type of thing? Smart phones make it way too damn easy.

We are looking to get a certain type of feeling out of it.

Did you notice the way I described Royal Blue Dress Girl? I was after the feeling she projected. I wanted to feel breezy and pretty too. I thought if I had a dress like that, I would feel that way, i.e., good about myself. If you are a girl - and, chances are, you are if you are reading this blog - there's a pretty high chance that you often compare yourself to other girls. Whether it's the way they look, their weight, their hair, their skin, their family, their job, their home, their car, their income, their clothes...you are constantly scanning other girls everywhere you go to subconsciously decide if you measure up to them. How much of the things you want or buy come from latching onto the notion that if you can only get a certain thing or look a certain way, that is when you will like yourself or think you're pretty?

It makes for an easy distraction.

I'd much rather soothe the pain of something sad in my life by buying something than actually thinking about what's making me sad. It’s easy to justify because it seems much healthier than booze or drugs. A few days ago marked 8 years since my mom died. It haunts me every day. When I'm obsessing over some purchase, there's less room for my brain to focus on the sad. As a mom to a toddler, my brain doesn't actually have that much time to focus on anything but her to begin with (much less anything sad because she's pure sunshine!)...until the house is quiet and still at night, and I'm left with my swirling thoughts.

We like the feeling of getting “a deal.”

Makes you feel so clever, doesn’t it?! Like you really pulled one over on someone or were so smart that you didn’t have to pay more.

We envision ourselves blogging about it!

You other bloggers out there will have to chuckle at this one. You get the thing in your head and are already plotting out your photoshoot while you visualize yourself wearing it.

Pinterest is the devil.

Okay, not really. Pinterest is actually a very useful tool for being able to remember things and ideas. It’s also an awesome way to create a vision board. However, if you let it, it can also make you feel really, really bad about yourself and all the things you are not doing/making/buying that these moms with six kids and jobs and blogs somehow find the time and money for, while you just feel accomplished if you find the extra energy to shower. You’ll decide you’re completely inept as a mom, wife, housekeeper, decorator, beauty queen, [insert role here]. Appreciate it for what it is and nothing more. Don’t use it to breed obsessions and keep up with the Joneses and their latest purchases.

Getting packages in the mail feels awesome.

It's like Christmas or your birthday. On a random Thursday.

I'm not saying that the way I am is "bad." And I'm better about it than I used to be and am much smarter about the decisions I make about things I buy. Waste has become kind of disgusting to me, not to mention that storage in our small home is an issue as well. I am also very grateful for the things I have and do not take them for granted. My two pairs of vintage boots I got a few months ago (at great prices) are alternated staples in my wardrobe pretty much every day. They do help me feel more confident and put-together – and, dare I say, happy.

Your deepest sense of self-worth, confidence, and happiness should never come from anywhere outside your heart and soul, but let's be realistic and admit it is perfectly fine and healthy if a particular kind of shoe or shade of lipstick just makes you carry yourself differently! I would never say that is wrong! That is all part of the fun of fashion. I do believe in trying to look better if it's within reason, healthy, and realistic. It doesn't have to be shallow unless you take it to an extreme and make it your highest pursuit.

I also don't think it's wrong to chase after a particular feeling if you can recognize that this "thing" is not going to make you feel whole. It's not going to be a permanent fix to make you happy. There is no one thing that is finally going to make you feel beautiful 24-7, 365 days a year, and never have an off day. I'm not saying don't buy things that will make you feel good. I'm not saying don't buy expensive things if you have the money for them. All I'm saying is next time you get this burning desire, just try to pause and get in touch with your motives. Go ahead and buy it (I probably will!); just be realistic about what it's going to do for you.

Do you go on insatiable quests like these? What do you think you get out of it?

Outfit Post: Peplum and Plum

2013-01-04T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I wasn't sure at first about the return of peplum as a trend...I guess I associate it with the 80s. But then I saw it here on Ally's blog and here as a DIY T-shirt project, and I was intrigued. So when I found this sweater on sale at Anthropologie a few weeks ago (and an additional 25% off the sale price), it was so different from any top I have that I decided to get it. Nothing 80s about this top! Being a short-waisted girl - and I'm not saying anything bad; just stating what is - I didn't think it would look right on me. I tried it on over the thin shirt I was wearing that day and realized a little layering would add the length I need.

Kam had our Christmas gathering at her house this year, so I decided to wear the sweater. I paired it with what I'm convinced are the perfect pants: Faded Glory jeggings for $12 at Walmart. I've collected them in various colors over the last couple years. They're cheap. They're not too thin or too thick. They have no front pockets or buttons to add visual bulk under tops. Doesn't get much better than that! Throw in a tanktop, vintage boots, the perfect red liptick, and some handmade jewelry, and I have an outfit I love.

I'm trying to be bolder with layering accessories, and these are some of my very favorites. The orange ring was a $7 etsy find that was too cute to pass up. The quote bracelet was my Christmas gift from my husband's cousin; I wanted it after seeing it on the Miskabelle blog because it is a variation on something my business coach told me when we first started and reminds me that once you put something out into the universe, things will unfold to make it happen! The cuff came as a little bonus surprise when I bought a vintage maternity dress on etsy when I was pregnant.

Kam snapped all these pictures of me in her pretty backyard, and, of course, my little lady joined in the fun! I cannot believe she is fourteen months old.

Here's how to get a similar gold, green, and red holiday makeup look:

youtube.com/watch?v=pG856713PII

It was a fun evening. We all had dinner, opened gifts, and made salt dough ornaments. Which I set down on top of our car and forgot about til we got home. I'm kinda sick over it. Never set anything down on top of your car! Just don't do it!

Happy holidays from the Narcissisters! We wish you much love and light!

Sweater - Anthropologie
Pants - Walmart Faded Glory jeggings
Boots - vintage via etsy
Tank - H&M
Ring - Dondalee's on etsy
Cuff - ElmsEcho on etsy
Bracelet - Cobweb Corner on etsy
Lipstick - Retrofuturist by Lime Crime

$5 Self-Love Necklaces! Last Days for Mail

2012-12-19T01:22:00.000-05:00

A great Christmas idea for you or someone else you love. :) Why not gift a tangible reminder to be more gentle and compassionate with oneself, as well as more confident and fearless? And, for right now, you can get them for only 5 bucks each! We've marked them all down to $10 anyway, but with special code TCNXMAS12, it will knock them down to half off! (Trio necklaces will mark down to $10.) More than 20 designs to choose from...tailor them to each recipient. In case the world doesn't end on Friday, you will want one of these. ;)

But HURRY!!

I have to ship them out by Thursday (12/20/12) for Priority Mail to arrive in time for Christmas!

To get them in time, it must be designs we already have made and ready...which most are.

theclosetnarcissist.etsy.com

And, while you're on etsy, stroll over to my other shop to see if our cozy winter items might be just the things to keep you warm...everything has been marked down! (We have boot cuffs too! Pink and camo colors. I just haven't listed them yet! Also, more scarves in yellow, blue-green, and orange, plus a cute crimson newsboy cap...just let me know if you're interested.)

juniperandclover.etsy.com

(Couldn't resist using an image like this since I've marked everything down! Ha!)

Disordered Eating: A Real-Life Story

2012-12-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine - we'll call her Amy for privacy - jumped to it when I asked if she'd be willing to share her story about disordered eating on this blog in the hopes that it might help someone. This was not an easy thing for her to write, as it is something she usually only shares privately with friends, and the memories are also difficult to revisit. I want to say thank you to her for being so open, honest, and real.

Source

The first time I remember feeling self-conscious about my body, I was 6 or 7. I was hanging out with my teenage cousin, helping her pick out a swimsuit to wear to the neighborhood pool. With my help, she settled on a neon orange bikini. She was athletic, tan, gorgeous. And she knew it, despite the gripes she'd make about being "fat." A boyfriend of hers came over, and I nervously slunk to the corner. Suddenly, she said, "Amy, why are you sucking in?" and they both started laughing at me. I hadn't even realized I was doing it. I looked down at my squishy kid stomach, wearing my very conservative one-piece swimsuit, and realized, "I'm sucking in." I was uncomfortable being around an older boy, around my beautiful cousin, and I unconsciously started sucking in, even as a first grader.

That might have been the beginning.

I was always a normal size. Never too big or too small. Never too short or too tall. Average. My mother always told me how beautiful I was, and I always believed her. Even when kids made fun of my thick eyebrows, thick glasses, dark hair on my arms...I never worried about my size. Then puberty hit. And I got breasts. Big breasts. A 34C by 14 years old. Boys noticed in a grand way. I learned that certain body types got attention — though it made me a little uncomfortable (the cat calls, lewd remarks), I did start to realize that I was made fun of less for my "quirks." I got contacts. Starting waxing my eyebrows. Found a sense of warped self-confidence, thanks to all that "pretty" attention.

When I got to my teens, I learned to appreciate my curves. I never worried about being a certain size. I was at peace with having a "big butt and big boobs." As senior year approached, I was discovering that a separation was happening between myself and my usual group of friends. They were gravitating toward drinking and smoking...and I was not. Just the thought of my parents finding out I'd sipped a beer made me weak in the knees. My parents weren't overly strict, but I had a short leash when it came to teenage parties and the like. And because I was the "sober one," people didn't want to hang out with me as much. This hurt my feelings, but if I couldn't be accepted, I had to become a loner. I was quiet at lunch. I didn't hang out with friends on the weekends. I stayed home and did school work. For one reason or another, I was losing weight. Perhaps it was just natural, losing some of my "baby fat," as they say. My bra size was shrinking. I was getting less attention from boys in general. All I could figure was that because I no longer had these "assets," I was no longer worth talking to. My friends had left me for partying, and my ex-boyfriend had found a curvy (and easy) girlfriend. (Despite my past popularity with boys in school, I wasn't one to "mess around," much to the disappointment of high school admirers.)

I was suddenly in-between. Not skinny, not curvy, just sort of chubby in places. And that bothered me. So I started eating less. If I couldn't be filled out and curvy, I was going to have to be thin. I remember telling my mom I was a vegetarian to get out of eating certain things at dinner. She forced me to eat a can of cashews a week just keep up my iron. She figured it was a phase.

Around this time, my mom, 44 years old, was diagnosed with breast cancer. The second cancer she'd had in her life, the first being Stage 3 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma twelve years prior. She nearly died the first time. But with her positive willpower and chemo, she survived. So to find out she was "sick" again was a major blow to us all. "How unlucky," the oncologist said. The tumor was small, found during a regular mammogram. When I came home from school and they told me, I was numb. I remember lying on my bed, silently crying, and my mom coming in, sitting down. "Hon, it's not a big deal! They'll take it out; I'll be fine. It's not like I'm going to DIE..." she laughed.   She rolled her eyes, in hopes of comforting me. It was removed, and she was clinically cancer-free. But because of this "unlucky circumstance," her doctor said she needed chemo anyway. This news was very hard to accept. I was five when she went through the agony of chemotherapy the first time. I watched her, sick and bald, and it scared the heck out of me. When the doctor said those words the second time around, my eyes welled, and it took every inch of control to keep them from spilling over. I could barely see to walk out of the doctor's office with her. But my mom was brave and assured us that it would all be okay.

Throughout those last couple months of my senior year, I was a zombie, trying to balance college applications and exams and helping care for my younger brother and sister, all while worrying sick about my mother. At that point, my lack of appetite was less about losing weight and more about not having the energy to remember to eat. I started having dizzy spells at school — to the point that I felt I'd pass out. My pediatrician said it was stress and prescribed me Valium. Little did they know...it was because I was surviving on less than 500 calories a day. My mother said to the doctor, "She's lost an awful lot of weight lately. Is that healthy?" The doctor thought I looked fine, despite having lost 7 pounds since my checkup a couple weeks before. I was barely 100 pounds. At my "chubby weight" as a 15-year-old, I was at least 130. But, no, the doctor said I was fine, I told my mother I was fine, not to worry.

She died, suddenly, a month later. Not from cancer but from the chemotherapy putting her into congestive heart failure. It was my first week of college. By that point, I could go a day or so without so much as a cracker and water. My digestive system wasn't "moving along" like it should, so I started taking laxatives to feel better. And that became a crutch. My anorexia turned into bulimia when I realized I could eat a little to stop the dizziness and headaches...then take a handful of pills...and by 6 am, it would be out of my system and I'd feel "hollow." I've heard other disordered eaters use that word. Feeling "empty" gave me such a high. I could control how I felt for a few hours a day...until I ate again. People would comment on how great I looked, my dad especially. He's always had a constant body-image struggle — I fear I inherited some of his neuroses. I think he also felt that by controlling what he ate and his weight, he could control part of his life, while the other parts were consumed by mourning. Around this time, I started dating a new guy, and I had less opportunity to avoid food. I was eating more, gaining weight, relying on laxatives. I eventually was put on anti-depressants for stress, which also made me eat more. I got to the point where I couldn't use the restroom without having taken at least 3x the usual dose of laxatives. I was destroying my body. I knew it was unhealthy, but I couldn't stop.

After a couple years, I found myself working full-time, in school full-time, feeling a little better about my life. I had stopped taking anti-depressants not long after starting them. (A side effect being "suicidal thoughts." A friend noticed some marks on my wrist and convinced me to put an end to the anxiety medications.) Now that I was busy with other things, laxatives started to have less of a functional place in my life. I couldn't dedicate hours on end to the bowel-writhing agony they caused. Not while working and sitting in class. So, slowly, I had to stop. My body had to learn how to work by itself again. It took years to reverse the physical damage my disorders caused.

By the time I met my husband, I was no longer anorexic or bulimic, but I was still sub-clinically disordered and couldn't have a bowel movement without an enema. I still made unhealthy pacts with myself to either not eat, or eat less, or exercise a ridiculous amount more, etc. Meeting my husband changed my entire world, though. He loved me for me. He didn't care about the size of my jeans. He cared about me being healthy. And with my honesty and his support, I started to heal.   I still worried more than I should about my appearance and belly and thighs, but I didn't act on the threats I made to my body. That was a start.

When I became pregnant, my perception changed again. When you realize you have a life growing within you — that their entire well-being depends on what you're putting in your body — all of that selfishness floats away. Or, at least it did for me. I thought, "How could I damage this body, the one that is creating my child?" After having my son, I would moan and groan a bit about the pounds I "needed" to lose, but it wasn't outrageous, not like before. I cared less about being thin and more about being a present mother. By the time I had my daughter four years later, I was in a better place, body-image-wise. I had the greatest reason in the world to have a little extra "stretch" to my skin: I grew two amazing little beings. I learned to appreciate my body more.

Not that I'm cured. I can't look at an old photo without first scoping out whether it was during a "thinner" or "bigger" phase. My weight fluctuates 5-10 pounds on a yearly basis. But I can't obsess. I can't be a good mother and obsess. I can't teach my children to love their bodies if I don't love mine. So I try very hard to keep negative thoughts to myself. I try to talk about how we should be so thankful for our bodies because they get us around in the world. We're all beautiful, all shapes, all sizes. To think of my son or daughter feeling all that I did, that self-loathing and self-harm — it makes me want to cry. I'm making it my job to remind them that they're incredible, just the way they were made. I know that outside influences can't be completely curbed. I just want them to have that arsenal of self-love when the onslaught of doubt hits.

I'm turning 30 in less than a month. I always thought that by now, I would have come to terms with my self-esteem issues. I haven't, not completely. I know I'm beautiful. I know my husband loves me, my kids love me, my family loves me. But sometimes I just hear my cousin's voice in the back of my head, "Amy, why are you sucking in?" It's a work-in-progress. Sometimes I fear I'll be worrying about my stomach or thighs until my last breath. And then I remind myself — every moment I stop to worry about how I look or what someone will think when they notice I've gained 5 pounds...is a moment wasted. Rather, I should be celebrating that I have a healthy body and two legs to run with my kids, two arms to hug them, to hug my husband. I have to hear my mother's voice in my memory, reminding me, just as I remind my children, that I am beautiful and special and brilliant. And each time I hear it, I'm finding that belief matters more to me than a number on a clothing tag.

"I'm Sorry!" (Over-Apologizing and Guilt)

2012-12-08T00:54:00.000-05:00

If you were my child or dog, which face would YOU prefer looking at you all day?

It's ironic that my coach, Francoise from Guilt-Free Mothering, highlighted my previous post on letting go of guilt on her blog this week, because guilt is something I had let myself slip back into over the past few months because of some things going on in my life. It wasn't ever something I had completely mastered. But I had really let myself drown in it the last few weeks. I was burned out and needed a mommy break, yet I felt guilty for feeling that way and was not giving myself permission to feel frustrated. We are dealing with yet another pet with cancer, so my brain automatically makes it my fault somehow. And on and on. I had honestly begun to convince myself I was a failure at just about everything.

I have already started to let go of so much since my first two sessions. I could literally feel myself breathing easier when we started getting to the root of some things. Before the first session, I had to fill out a 15-page questionnaire that really caused me to dig deep into some of the things that have been holding me back. I consider myself to be pretty self-aware, and I still realized some things about myself that I hadn't noticed before. I realized even more during the session.

One of the big things I realized is that I apologize too much.

I didn't even know I was doing it. But I was going around apologizing for not being enough this or that.

I would apologize to my husband for little things like not doing the dishes that day or not being the kind of girl who likes beer and can just hang out while we have one. This is so silly. We both do the dishes, and it isn't the end of the world if I don't have time sometimes, and he would never, ever criticize me for something like that, so why would I let it make me feel like a failure? Every time I would apologize for something, he'd tell me not to be so hard on myself and that it wasn't a big deal. And he doesn't care if I like beer or not. He told me to stop worrying and that he wants me to be exactly the way I am. When it comes to our dogs, instead of being happy and playful with them, I was always looking at them with sad eyes and apologizing for not being able to walk them that day and whatnot. I don't even want to begin to think of the kind of negative energy I was projecting to my daughter during this time...or else I will probably start apologizing for it.

Not only was my over-apologizing causing this constant sad, "something is wrong" type of energy in our household and probably leaving everyone else on edge as well, but it was reinforcing my own misguided belief that I was a failure.

Every time I apologized for something that did not warrant an apology or guilt, I was subconsciously tallying up more reasons to think less of myself.

When I discovered I was doing this, I became more conscious of it and started correcting myself every time I'd start and then change the statement to something filled with gratitude and happiness. Let me tell you...this simple change has completely turned my perspective around. I'm lighter and more forgiving of myself. I'm remembering that I'm doing a great job and am a pleasure to be around, darnit. :) With my dogs, for example, instead of, "I feel so bad; I'm sorry I can't play with you right now," I turned it into, "Who's a good dog? You are! I'm so happy you're my dog!" Instead of, "What am I going to do without you? I'm so sorry you have this!" while crying to my cat who has cancer, it's become, "I'm so thankful we're together in this moment. I'm so enjoying being with you and seeing you feel good right now." There is a noticeable change not just in my face and attitude but in theirs, in response to mine. I'm not saying you should squelch or hide your real emotions. I'm not saying showing sadness in front of your loved ones is bad. It's not! But if it's all the time, that's not beneficial to you or them. It's draining.

You need to change the energy you're sending out, both for your loved ones' sake and your own sense of self. Gratitude. Not guilt.

Sometimes apologizing for something is necessary and good! But, like guilt and most other things, when taken to extremes, it's highly destructive to your sense of self-worth.

You've heard me say it a thousand times: if you tell yourself something enough times, positive or negative, you will eventually believe it. By apologizing to others, I was actually telling myself that I wasn't measuring up. Now I am choosing to tell myself I'm enough.

It can be life-changing to change one simple thing you're constantly telling yourself. Try it and see what happens.

So we don't end on too heavy of a note...here's something I've found consistently hysterical over the years...a parody of the great song by One Republic, "Apologize," of course.

I've Been Featured by Guilt-Free Mothering!

2012-12-07T10:30:00.001-05:00

I feel very honored that Francoise of Guilt-Free Mothering chose to feature my post on guilt on her own blog. Not only is that validating to me as a writer (since that is one of the things I want to do more of professionally), but it is an honor to open the message of The Closet Narcissist to new readers. I might not have the art of self-love perfected, but who does? I don't pretend to have it mastered. We're all in this together, in this daily attempt to live consciously and authentically with more genuine love for who we are, and my dream is to spread this message with my own unique perspectives on how to get there. If you can glean something from my own struggles, then they're even more worthwhile.

And guilt is often still a struggle for me. But I bet if you read my post and try to become more aware of lingering guilt in your life, it can open you up to more self-worth and love for yourself as a person when you learn to let go of it!

http://guiltfreemothering.com/guilt-free-mothering-tips/from-guilt-to-gratitude-mom-guilt/

I mentioned in my last post, about getting serious about my career dreams, that I am doing coaching sessions with Francoise. I've had two sessions with her so far, and it is amazing how powerful it is and how much it is opening up to allow me to receive what I know I am supposed to be doing. She has a gentle way of giving you analogies that really make something click. She has clients worldwide, so if you are an entrepreneurial mom, you will be doing yourself, your business, and your family a service by checking her out. It's all about learning how to balance the commitments in your life without feeling depleted at the end of the day and how to grow your business.

Confidence in Following Your Career Dreams

2012-10-23T23:49:00.000-04:00

This is the "Note from the Universe" I got in my email the day after I got laid off from my job after seven years this summer:

Me? Concerned, Jennifer? Let's see, at the moment, you're exactly

where you're supposed to be. Whenever the going has gotten tough,

you've always bounced back even higher than you were before.

And, somehow, you keep getting even better looking.

But you are a dear for thinking of me.

Mmmmmwaw - The Universe

Needless to say, losing my job totally threw me in so many ways. Even though layoffs are rarely personal (I wasn't fired), you still feel like it's personal. Why me? Why was I the one chosen...and when I had a new baby, at that?

I got a month's severance pay and started frantically looking for a new job. I was terrified. Would I find one quickly enough that would allow me to continue working from home to be with my daughter? Was I good enough to work for someone else after doing the same thing over and over for seven years? What if we couldn't pay our bills after the severance pay ran out? Granted, the job was not one I had ever really liked in that span of time, and I won't bore you with why. But it had become...comfortable. Well, in its own way. Comfortable in that I was familiar with everything and knew what was expected of me. It was fairly mindless and could be easily accomplished while my daughter was napping. It was also decidedly uncomfortable in many ways as well. Even though sometimes I complained about the mindlessness and wanting to use my creativity more, what if a new job required more than I was able to give while still giving my daughter enough of me?

It finally started coming to me what I already knew and had known for some time: I want to do my own thing. I want to do freelance graphic design, writing, and editing, and I want to have enough clients to help with my share of the expenses and then some. I want to enjoy my work again! I want to feel that fervor and have it spill over into the other areas of my life, to have my daughter pick up on that sense of pride and freedom instead of the same old drudgery every day. I decided I was okay with being laid off, that bigger and better things were coming for me, and that losing my job was just the swift kick in the ass I needed to stop letting fear of the unknown hold me back. I didn't have the luxury anymore of doubting my talents. I needed to find a way to make money again! The irony of staying at a job that is unfulfilling because you lack the confidence to branch out is that the longer you stay doing the same old thing, the more it eats away at your confidence.

It was precisely within days of mentally accepting the layoff that they called and wanted to rehire me. And not just rehire me. Promote me. What did I do, you ask? Did I tell them to shove it and then go out and start making tons of money on my own? I wish. No. We have a child and pets and a mortgage. After much deliberation, I went back. I can't say I even got much satisfaction knowing they wanted me back. I really had become accustomed to the idea that I was going to start doing my own thing and make it work. But "in this economy," which I think has officially become a real cliché now, you are told to take what you can get.

But. Between the time I was laid off and rehired, I got a hastily written email from a friend who found out I was laid off and had another friend who might be looking for some freelance writing work. Her regular writer was on vacation, and they found themselves with extra work that needed to be done. This woman didn't know me from Adam, but she took a chance on me. Three times. And she really liked what I wrote. She popped into my world and gave me the chance to experience what it felt like to enjoy my work again. To some people, the things I wrote might have seemed boring. But they lit me up just because I was putting words together and using them to make some type of impact. You might have noticed I really love the power of words! She also gifted me with the opportunity to regain some of my old confidence back. I did some freelance assignments, and someone liked them enough to pay me for them! Now, that is a boost. I've been freelancing off and on through the years, but it felt differently to have someone like my work when I had actually decided I wanted this to be my full-time gig.

Through her, I ended up attending some networking events, which required me to finally finish updating my portfolio and get my own business cards printed for the first time, a big step in telling the Universe, "Hey, this is what I'm doing now!" I was scared to death to go and was sweating bullets. Who did I think I was to assume I was good enough to make a living out of my talents and start passing out business cards? But I met some really important people through those events that changed me and my perspective in some way, not to mention some potential clients. I can only say that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in those moments in time.

And you know what - I totally surprised myself. One of the events had an amazing speaker, Wendy Watkins of Passion Fruit, and the entire lecture was taped. Not knowing this at first, I found myself raising my hand to contribute when she asked questions. I went from not knowing anyone in the room (yet) and feeling clammy to realizing I had some important things to share and feeling like I'd burst if I didn't say them. The other women in the room actually laughed with me at some of my comments and nodded or verbalized their agreement, validating that what I was sharing was meaningful. (I've been told I made the cut for the videos that will be posted on her web site sometime soon, so I'll see if I actually appeared as brilliant in reality as I was in my memory, haha, and share them with you if I was!) And when the speaker asked what our passions were outside of work and family, do you know what my answer was? This blog. This blog that has given me the opportunity to help girls and women change the way they see themselves for the better. In addition to wanting to get my freelance career off the ground, I really want to take this thing places. I have a message to deliver in a way that only I can deliver it.

I'm sad to say I have found myself getting "comfortable" again in my job. Because I'd been there so long, I eased right back on in. There was no wondering what to expect. Maybe there is or was a place for that mentality. But no more. I'm publishing this post as my written letter of intent to the Universe that I am going for it. As I was telling the woman I'm consulting as my business/time management/mom-life coach from Guilt-Free Mothering (whom I met at one of the networking events), comfort zones are not always actually that comfortable. It might be easier to have a mindless job in one sense. But blandness eats away at you. I don't want a work life of bland. I want a work life of Tony's Cajun seasoned salt. heehee I want to be that girl in the movies who suddenly decides she can't take it anymore and quits her job, with no concrete plan for what happens next, just throwing all caution to the wind. Like Julia in the show "Parenthood" just did. Does that really work in real life? I don't know. Maybe for people who can survive a while on one income or people with huge savings accounts. I have a family counting on me, so I don't plan on doing anything rash. I do, however, plan on taking some risks and finally getting more than just a taste of what it's like to enjoy my work. I'm ready to lay fear to waste and take the design, writing, and editing world by storm!

My name is Jennifer, and I AM a graphic designer, writer, and editor. And illustrator. And whatever else I decide to pursue! And I am damn good at what I do, with enough clients under my belt to vouch for it, so no longer will I let doubt creep in and sidle up next to me. I've learned, at least for myself, that when I conquer one fear, another one inevitably takes form. For instance, first I'm worried that I'm not good enough to pay the bills as a freelancer...I kick that fear in the butt and decide to go for it. But that gives way to the next fears. What if I'm so successful that I become too busy and even more stretched than I already am? What if I find out it's not all it's cracked up to be, and I miss the structure and comfort of a full-time job? I'm a bit afraid of success because, not ever having known it, I don't know what kind of changes it will mean in my life.

Something my husband often says when my thoughts are spiraling and I am having a hard time making a decision (even when I know in my gut what I should do) is, "What's the worst that can happen?" And when I answer that question, I usually realize that the worst ain't that bad or at least isn't any worse than my current situation if I do nothing. Tonight, when I was hesitant to go to another networking event because I would be a little late, I asked him, "What if I get there and I can't get in?" and he replied simply, "Then you'll come home." It sounds so elementary. But when he put it like that, suddenly it didn't seem so huge to at least attempt going, and I hustled myself out the door and was immensely glad I went. Instead of focusing so hard on conquering fears, I think what I really need to be asking myself is how am I going to feel this time next month or next year if I have not taken steps to change my current situation? And also this question: what if I find I really, really like it?! I was afraid of being a mom too, but my desire to be a mom was bigger than my fear...now I wonder how I ever could have second-guessed myself. Having her is waaay better than I even knew it could be.

While I'm at it, I want to see my name in lights. Ha! What that means for me, I don't even know yet, but I know I want to see it.

Since I started with a quote-type thing, I'll end with one as well. This one I came across on Twitter.

In almost every case, nothing is stopping you, nothing is holding you back

but your own thoughts about yourself and "how life is." - NealeDWalsch

Do you like your job? If money were no object, what job would you be doing?

What is holding you back from having the job of your dreams?

The pictures, with their credits, can be found on the TCN Pinterest under Jen's Vision Board.

Get the Picture?

2012-10-18T23:59:00.001-04:00

Egads! My crooked tooth is showing! Do I care? Nope. I mean, God, look at the way I'm looking at her!!

I was having a conversation not long ago with a friend who admitted she shies away from family portraits (or being in any pictures if she can help it) because she isn't happy with her weight/post-birth bod. I told her that her child wouldn't want to look back at pictures someday and not have her in them. When my mom died, even though I was an adult - albeit, far too young of one - all I had besides my memories were photos and not nearly enough of them. People sometimes lovingly tease us for always wanting to take (and be in) pictures, and Kam and I always joke about it being our brand of narcissistic, but actually, it's mostly about preserving the moments and the memories.

I came across this article on The Huffington Post by a woman who had the same feelings as my friend on being in pictures with her kids...and then she decided to hell with that; she started getting in on the pictures and made some beautiful memories she would've otherwise missed out on. She realized her kids would not care someday how she looked...just that she was THERE.

Here's the article:

The Mom Stays in the Picture

I've made sure to be in as many pictures with my baby girl as possible, even when I was less than thrilled about how I looked. I wanted her to see the light and love in my eyes that come from being her mom. She recently turned one - how is that possible?! - and I hate saying it, but time feels so fleeting. Pictures help us capture something special in the moment lest we forget or if we just want to savor it later on.

So next time you feel like ducking out of a picture, even if you're not a mom and don't ever plan to be, there are plenty of people in your life who love you and want your beautiful, sparkling face in photos. Don't deny them! :)

Are you first in line to be in front of the camera? Or are you camera-shy because you're embarrassed? Will you take the plunge?

The Inner Beauty Movement / Are Self-Love Blogs Fluff?

2012-06-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

My daughter checking out her reflection. (It's a child-safe mirror, which is why it looks a little distorted.)
If only we all kept the same friendly relationship with the mirror as we got older!

Let me be honest. Because I always am here. :) And I'm not fishing for compliments. Sometimes I can start to wonder if this blog really means anything to anyone or if it actually makes a difference. How's that for ironic: the self-love blogger feeling insecure about her blog?! Just like anyone else, I can start to let a lack of comments make me question my purpose here. Just about the time I start wondering that, I will receive a comment from someone I've never heard from before saying that something I wrote meant something to them. (You'd think I would learn by now.) And the truth is, whether this blog ever reaches an audience on a wide scale, it has helped me more than I ever thought possible as well. The simple act of constantly thinking of self-love posts I want to write about naturally induces more of it in my life. As a mom, I don't have the time I used to have to devote to it, but it's never far from my thoughts. Every time I watch TV or hear a song or have a conversation with a friend, my mind is thinking of how I can weave a post from some sort of nugget I got because my goal is simply to help people. And if people can glean something positive from my bad experiences (and my good ones!), it adds more purpose to things I went through.

This is not the only blog out there that talks about self-love. There are quite a few of them out there. There is somewhat of a female self-love movement going on in our world right now, and not just from Dove. Even though as far as I can tell, we started this project before the big movement started, sometimes I wonder if I actually have anything valuable to add to this movement when there is already so much going on towards it. Some of those other blogs are so, so good. But then I snap myself back to reality and remember that no one else can tell this "story" the way I tell it. Someone might read my blog and get more out of it than another one because something about it resonates with them more. Someone might read mine and it doesn't resonate with them, but it propels them toward another blog that does. Maybe someone doesn't regularly read this blog but happened upon one particular post that mattered to them that day. All of those things are great. What's important is that the person is actively seeking that journey. My blog isn't any better or worse than the others and vice versa because, while we may all be discussing the same basic principle, we're all doing it in our own unique ways. I am not jealous of the other, more successful blogs in actuality. I am just happy if people find something that makes them see how beautiful they really are inside and out.

I recently read on another self-love blog, however, that blogs like mine are essentially fluff. That you can't develop more self-love simply by focusing on it. That you really need to take her e-course to discover how to love yourself more. Now, her course might be a total awakening for some people, and if so, I think that is wonderful. I will not call her out because I sincerely believe that her purpose is the same as mine: to help people. But I don't think it's fair to downplay blogs like mine that promote self-love or try to convince all women that they're beautiful. All of us self-love bloggers have our place in this movement, a place that only each one of us can fill in our individual ways from our unique experiences in our lives. I do believe the more you focus on something, the more it becomes your reality. If you're reading my blog and/or some of the others, I think it's naturally going to start to rub off on you. How you get there isn't as important as the fact that you are trying to get there. There's no one right way or right answer that applies to all women.

My daughter and me.
She's beautiful inside and out,
and I want her to always know!

I really love, LOVE, LOOOOOVE Lifetime's new show, "The Conversation." I have been keeping some notes and quotes from every episode as I've gone along and am just waiting for the right way to convey my thoughts, but sum it up now to say: IF YOU ARE A WOMAN AND YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT DISSERVICE TO YOURSELF. So anyway, I've been perusing their web site now that season one is over, and there is some great stuff there. I came across this post, and it so beautifully describes how I feel - that the inner beauty movement does not have to exclude outer beauty. Let's not get so caught up in the inner stuff that we convince ourselves the outer part doesn't even matter. We're women. We're human. To some degree, for most of us, it does matter. And as the post points out: "By relying on your inner beauty to get you through the long days and cold nights, you might miss a very valuable truth: you ARE beautiful... Here’s the lie: You are either beautiful on the inside or pretty on the outside. Here’s what I say: That’s a load of bull. You as a woman are inherently both." That's why one of our TCN mottos is "Inner AND outer beauty promoted here." They aren't mutually exclusive.

I'll leave you for now with a list of some of my favorite self-love blogs/sites run by some courageous and inspiring women - all of whom, like me, probably started out in a place of insecurity and worked their way out...I dare say we all still struggle, but we have learned how to fight it better and just want to help others do the same. You don't even have to agree with everything they or I say; you can pick and choose what resonates with you and build on it. There are a wealth of other blogs and sites that are great; these just happen to have found their way into my list.

Medicinal Marzipan

So Worth Loving

Health for the Whole Self

Looking in the Mirror

Miseducated

Nourishing the Soul

Positively Present

The Body and the Brood

Just Be Enough

Operation Beautiful

The Conversation

I also have what I think is a really great Twitter list I've made public of all my favorite self-love tweeters (many of those above, plus others). Check it out and make your own...and don't forget to add us, @narcissisters, to your list. ;)

What is your opinion of the self-love movement? Do you think it is working? Do you believe in promoting or diminishing the importance of feeling beautiful on the outside?

The Price of Perfection

2012-06-16T00:27:00.000-04:00

While looking to add Yo Gabba Gabba to our Netflix instant queue for our daughter, we stumbled upon a Korean horror film called "Yoga: the Movie." Sounds innocuous enough, right? Well, it was creepy enough that I'm glad I didn't watch it alone. :) Don't worry, yoga fans; it's not an attack on yoga.

It's about a home shopping channel host who gets fired and replaced by a woman who was supposed to be just her co-host, for the reason that she wasn't attractive enough. After reuniting with an old acquaintance from high school who looks drastically different now than she did then, she's referred to what she thinks is a yoga training center that can help her become "more" and therefore successful.

But, of course, once she gets in, she and the other young women in the group find out there's much more to it than that. It is supposedly run by a beautiful, ageless actress, and only one girl who makes the cut at the end of the week is allowed to meet her and learn the secret of ultimate beauty. Until then, they just have their trainer, who imposes a lot of rules they find difficult to follow. No unauthorized eating. No cell phones. No showers within an hour after training. No looking in mirrors. Baaaad things happen when you break the rules. At first, they think they're having hallucinations from fasting, but it is apparently all real.

There is a famous celebrity in the group, a singer whom the public once adored and now make fun of to the point where she's tried to kill herself over the rejection. She can't handle the way the public changes its mind about a celebrity overnight. Then there is a young mother who spends more time and money on plastic surgery than on her child and is there because she thinks a botched nose job has rendered her useless and ugly. There is a girl who used to be "fat," which, by her standards, was 45 pounds heavier. Now that she's thin, she is obsessed with weighing herself everyday and can't go without it.

The main character eventually realizes this is not what she signed up for and not what she wants. You'll have to watch to find out whether she gets out of it or not.

But the storyline is definitely a poignant take on women's pursuit of physical perfection and a good metaphor for how that quest can almost make you lose your soul. Or at least your perspective and your sanity. The women were willing to go to almost any length to achieve perfection. And we were wondering why when they were all very pretty already...but maybe that's the point...they didn't know they were, just like a lot of us.

I talk about realizing you're enough and accepting yourself for who you are. But trust me, I know sometimes it's easier said than done. I haven't mastered it. I just try to work really hard on it every day. The alternative may not literally suck you into a world of hallucinations and terror. But, then again, it might. If you can't see yourself realistically and constantly think you're too much this or not enough that, that is a hallucination in a sense. I'm not saying it is bad to try and look your best. But don't let the elusive, unattainable pursuit of perfection rule or control you. You'll miss out on so much and gain nothing. Try to practice little ways each day of appreciating yourself and work up to bigger ones until it becomes a habit.

Have you ever done anything extreme in the name of trying to beautify yourself and regretted it?

Photos from http://www.beyondhollywood.com/yoga-yoga-hakwon-2009-movie-review/

Our First Craft Fair!

2012-06-16T00:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, so this actually happened on April 21, and I'm only just now getting around to posting about it. :) Kam and I had our first booth at a small, local fair. Neither of us had ever done anything quite like that, and it was a great experience. We had our usual self-love necklaces, in addition to some new designs we hope to have listed in our shop soon: some cute, narcissistic necklaces and hair pins. I had a popped blood vessel in one eye that day, and let me tell you, I had to work harder to feel confident when I was supposed to be looking people in the eye and selling confidence jewelry. I pushed through and had some of the most amazing conversations with people that day that I will always remember, and I'm glad I didn't let it stop me. Truthfully, I almost didn't go, and Kam told me that wasn't an option. Real friends remind you of what's really important and encourage you to brave your fears.

We only sold two necklaces, but you know what? I could tell their messages really meant something to the two people who bought them. They each pored over everything we had to make sure they were getting just the right ones that spoke to them. I feel like it would be sort of a breach of trust to publicly tell why they got the ones they did, even if their stories were inspirational to me. Suffice it to say they were both amazing, strong women who will take the messages to heart. That, to me, means more than how many we sold. It was also interesting to hear other takes on our messages, and it goes to show that each one can have a different, yet equally powerful, meaning to you depending on your experiences and what you need.

Here are some pictures from our day!

Not quite finished setting up here; I don't think we got one of the final table in all its glory! :(

You know me...Rob had to come along and lend his support by sporting a hat and some necklaces.

Only one person (besides me) asked to have their picture taken with him - I was shocked!

He did get a lot of attention, though.

A sneak peak at some of our new designs.

An accidentally broken mirror became Kam's display inspiration!

Something I hope she always believes at her core.

Kam with her daughter peeking over her shoulder.

Get your own self-love-inducing necklace here! :)

Our Version of "Pretty Little Liars" Fashion

2012-05-30T16:15:00.000-04:00

Emily Fields, Spencer Hastings, Aria Montgomery, and Hanna Marin -
looking as nervous as always as they anticipate A's next message!

If you're anything like me, you can barely contain your excitement because you know what Tuesday, June 5th means. You've been twiddling your thumbs every Monday night for the last few months with no "Pretty Little Liars" to watch, and now it's coming back! Although it's apparently switching to Tuesdays now. Well, being a mama means I don't always get to watch shows on the actual night they air and almost never a full episode in one sitting (and I'm not complaining; thank goodness for TiVo!). Being a mama also means I never have time to sit and twiddle my thumbs, for that matter. :) But I have been anxiously awaiting PLL's return.

PLL is one of my favorite ~~guilty pleasures~~ obsessions. I watch it for the fashion just as much as the mystery and intrigue. Incidentally, some nitwit - nit-Twit? hehe - on Twitter told the whole ending, and I accidentally came across it, and it really made me mad because I wanted to read the books and find out for myself first...but still, it did not assuage my obsession. There's just something about it. I've always been a sucker for WB-esque shows (probably really telling my age here - hey, I'm only 31, but I know there are some of you out there who have nooo idea what the WB was), and this is no exception, but it's really a very smart and well-done show. It centers around four friends who become estranged after the death of their mutual friend, Alison, who is, well, a bitch, and, for the life of me, I can't figure out the hold she had on them. But they are brought back together when they all start receiving threatening messages from some anonymous source who calls themselves "A." The girls are on constant alert trying to keep A from sabotaging everything they've worked for and protect their loved ones and themselves. A seems to be all-knowing and has tabs on their every move and threatens to expose every little secret they have if they don't comply. At the end of the last season, A was semi-revealed, still leaving you not knowing the full story. In addition to the main mystery of who killed Alison and who's been threatening the girls, there are tons of other little mysteries that keep you guessing all along the way.

I simply can't get enough of the fashion choices on this show. Their costume designer, Mandi Line, is brilliant. Somehow she's able to choose the perfect outfits for four completely different types of characters and nails it every single time. Kam and I thought it would be fun to do our own PLL fashion shoot using clothes we already have. It was more of a challenge (the fun kind) to use pieces we already own and decide how to put them together rather than buy new stuff, and plus, we're both broke. I won't go into tons of detail about each of the four girls, simply because this site has done a great job of describing each of their characters and their fashion senses - and has also since done a separate and more detailed post on each girl. But I'll do a quick synopsis for those of you who are unfamiliar with them, with pictures pulled from that site. The one thing they all have in common: big bags or purses.

Emily is the most casual of the bunch fashion-wise, but that's not to say she's lacking in style or color. She's a swimmer, and some of her clothes are more sporty. She comes to terms with being a lesbian, and living authentically is very important to her, even in the face of people who want to see her fall.

Spencer is focused on her grades and really has a good head on her shoulders. Well, maybe except when it comes to dating her sister's boyfriends. :) She was the least affected by Alison's control and is also not affected by her family's wealth. Her fashion choices lean toward masculine and preppy but still feminine.

Aria's fashion sense is eclectic - a little boho, a tad punky, always imaginative and unexpected. Lots of black and brown. She's very mature and sweet and gets to date pretty much the hottest teacher ever. She holds her head high in the midst of the problems between her parents and having to hide her own relationship.

Hanna is all about designer labels and high fashion. Neither Kam nor I could care less about designer labels, so this was more challenging for me. Hanna is a good person who just keeps getting pulled down by various family struggles, in addition to the A perils, and is trying to keep her head above water.

We decided I would be Aria and Hanna - they wear more makeup, just like I usually wear more than Kam, even though it got a little washed out in our photos. My typical style is mostly a combination of Aria and Emily, I think, and Kam is mostly an Emily. We had a lot of fun doing it. Here's the final result!

Emily Fields, Spencer Hastings, Aria Montgomery, and Hanna Marin.
We've had most of this stuff for too long to bother listing where anything came from.
For example, my Aria dress is from high school!

Since our blog is all about growing your self-love, how does this relate, you ask? Well, each character (if they were real) has figured out how to style herself in such a way that truly reflects and enhances her identity and sense of self. That's not to say that you have to dress one way all the time in real life. I certainly don't; I love following certain trends just as much as I love running across a unique vintage dress. And it's not to say you have to spend a lot of money or "manufacture" a style or that how you dress is all-important. I think your own unique style naturally starts coming out the more confidence you develop, and the more you develop your own style, the more confidence you will feel. It's a cycle. According to Mandi, a great way to develop your style is to go with pieces you already own and start mixing and matching them in ways you've never tried. I used to worry that I didn't have my own sense of style to identify with, and I think it was when I stopped trying so hard and just let myself gravitate toward things that resonated with me, it came. It shouldn't be something you copy 100% from someone else, though it's natural to get ideas and inspiration from many sources, or something you create because you think it's what you should wear. Go with what feels right. The core of fashion should be about expressing who you are and not being afraid to pull it off. I think that's where the confidence lies.

Do you feel you have your own sense of style, or do you think you're still searching for it?

P.S. You can also find more PLL outfit ideas we found and pinned to our Pinterest style board.

Vintage Fashion at Salvage Market!

2012-04-14T16:19:00.000-04:00

This morning, I ~~dragged~~ went with my husband (and our daughter, of course) to an event called Salvage - a Modern Vintage Marketplace. Ah, how I love living in Atlanta during times like these! I'd been looking forward to it for weeks since I saw it online described as "a curated vintage show produced by the Indie Craft Experience. The event features clothing, decor, home goods, furniture, books and more!" We got there right at 11 am and still weren't one of the 100 lucky folks who got a free swag bag. I was bummed. I actually went up to a couple of people and asked what was in their bag because I wanted to know what I missed. :(

We walked around three or four times taking in all the booths and the ambiance in general. Many of you know how fond I am of vintage clothes and decor, so going to anything like this is like a candy store for me. I can't believe I actually had enough restraint to walk away with only one purchase (for my daughter's room - sweet deeries for my dearie!) and NO vintage dresses. There was one I really wanted too...a kelly green beauty with daisies all over it. I didn't get a picture, but it's just as well, or it would only serve to deepen my regret. I have so many vintage dresses and sometimes aspire to be one of those gals who dresses in a different vintage dress every day, yet I usually end up in some kind of jeans because it's more comfortable when I'm out walking with my baby strapped to me. See what I mean? I'd rather be wearing her, though, given the choice. :)

While I was very taken by much of the decor, what really got me was the fashion...and not just the clothing hanging on the racks but the ensembles the SHOPPERS and vendors were wearing! There were some really stylish people - a common sight in our city. It was definitely the land of vintage dresses paired with boots (or socks and sandals), colored tights, and cardigans. I started snapping pics of random people's outfits for my own inspiration and then thought, why not blog about it? As you know, putting together a unique outfit that makes you feel good IS one thing that can make you feel more confident, and that's what we're about here! I mostly took pics of people from behind so as not to freak them out...and if I were them, I'd HATE me for posting pics from that angle ;), but I didn't think people would appreciate their faces showing up on some stranger's blog for the world (the whole world does read this blog...right?) to see. I still had to disguise some people with sunglasses and mustaches so they could be incognito. hehe

So take a stroll through the Market with me, and see if you come up with any outfit inspiration! (Click any image to enlarge.)

(1) These two on the left looked so great in their mod dress and socks with sandals. The girl in the orange and yellow also had cute glasses. (2) Love how she paired a polkadot dress with an unexpected floral cardigan, and the boots bring it all together.

(1) Looks like a Shabby Chic brand skirt to me...ahhh! The way she put her outfit together keeps it from looking too prairie-ish but still soft and sweet. (2) I've been wanting to wear my jean jacket with something, and I love how she put it with a long skirt. So casual-chic and perfect for when you don't want to wear jeans but don't really want to dress up.

(1) The boots work perfectly with this dress. This is the booth with the dress I wanted too! (2) How cute are these girls? I LOVE how they layered. I might not have thought to put black leggings and a black lacy sweater over a dress like that, and it totally works!! Love the purple tights with the yellow dress too.

(1) This is one chic look...yellow stripey jersey dress, purple tights with black dots, and leopard print flats! YES! And the belt perfectly finishes the look. (2) Wish this were clearer and from the front...she had on a really cool vintagey headpiece and lovely shirt under the sweater. Also, her tattoos make me want more...I have three, but I want something that's visible more of the time!

Which outfit is your favorite? Describe how you think it would make you feel to wear it!

A "Pinny" for Your Thoughts?

2012-03-15T20:00:00.000-04:00

Ahh...I am so punny with my use of pinny. I decided to do a search for us on Pinterest to see if anyone had pinned anything from our blog, minus repinning our pins (I guess this is the new "Googling yourself"?). There were a few, and one gave me a very nice surprise...our logo was pinned on a board called "Blogs I Read." Really made my night! Thanks, Tayla! :)

So I had to check out this person's boards - I mean, obviously, the gal has great taste. ;) She has a really fantastic board called "Real Beauty/ED", and I repinned several things from it into our Self-Love & Narcissism board because they were so uplifting and inspiring (and funny). Take a look at both boards for some stuff that will just make ya feel good!!

I also discovered she has a blog and an etsy store. Okay, now I know I sound like I'm stalking her. hehe Her blog is about her road to recovery from anorexia and learning to accept herself. And she has amazing, beautiful paintings that inspire self-love in her shop. So ya know I had to share!

from http://www.etsy.com/shop/jamestayla - isn't this so pretty?

After looking at these boards, which "pin" are you going to print out and tape to your bathroom mirror??

"Real Beauty/ED" Self-Love & Narcissism

Guilt and Self-Esteem

2012-03-03T19:54:00.000-05:00

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever noticed the correlation between ever-present guilt and your level of self-esteem? There is one, you know. If you are always feeling guilty or are just plain too hard on yourself all the time, it is bound to affect the overall way you see yourself as a worthy human being. My confidence has come a looong way in the last couple of years especially, but I have always been very hard on myself, and it's something I have to consciously fight in an effort not to let it cloud my perspective of myself.

Can guilt ever be a positive thing? Well, yeah, within reason. If you're an average person just trying to do your best in the world, you need to try and look at yourself and your life more objectively. So you feel bad that you messed up. So you hurt someone's feelings that you love. So you love your dog so much that you feel guilty over something completely out of your control (which you'll read about in a moment). Congratulations: you have the ability to feel guilt, which means you are not a sociopath. :) Fear of guilt or regretting potential consequences can keep you out of trouble. But when taken to extremes, guilt is damaging and self-destructive.

Handmade reminders for you, available from our shop at www.theclosetnarcissist.etsy.com.

Here are some of the ways guilt affects our self-esteem.

Guilt and Lack of Self-Esteem Create a Cycle of Even More Guilt and Even Less Self-Esteem.

If you have a lot of bottled-up guilt, chances are, you have low self-esteem, and if you have low self-esteem, chances are, you're more likely to let yourself feel unnecessarily guilty.

One thing I find myself trying to do a lot with people is convincing them that they deserve to feel good about themselves in order to gain more self-confidence. I look at someone who is so wonderful and kind and good and wonder how they could not feel they deserve happiness, love, and confidence...how they could keep making self-destructive choices in their lives because they unconsciously think that's the best that life holds for them. Maybe one reason for that is guilt in some form or another. I think a lot of people, deep down, don't feel they deserve good things in their lives, if they really break it down and look at it, and that really influences the decisions they make, some of which only lead to more guilt because of other things those decisions cause. You might need to do some pretty deep digging to discover the root of your guilt and lack of feeling deserving, but it’s the only way you’ll stop the cycle.

Irrational/Imagined Guilt Makes Us Feel Unnecessarily "Less Than."

I commented to my husband one day that I think I make up things to feel guilty about. I was talking about "Mom Guilt" when that realization hit me. If you are a parent, whether to animals or humans, you know what this is. You always wonder am I good enough...am I teaching them what they need...are they getting enough attention...what if I had done this or that differently. It's part of being a mother, even when you know you're doing your best. But I think I do sometimes take it to the extreme and pull things out of thin air to worry about and feel guilty over when really it's either 1) not even a real issue or 2) not something even remotely in my control anyhow. And you know what…if I’m honest with myself, I think feeling guilty, in a twisted way, makes me feel like a better mom…like it means I care more.

To this day, I have guilt over one of our dogs who passed away a couple of years ago. He had an incurable disease. But I still wonder if there was more I could have done. As much as I miss him terribly every day, what more could I have done, short of finding the cure myself in a lab? And that would have taken years, and he did not have years, unfortunately. See how guilt can often be a little irrational and misplaced when you step back and view it for what it really is? With another of our dogs who recently had amputation surgery due to paw cancer, once I put aside the guilt for getting his arm amputated (because it truly was the best option for curing him after consulting with four different vets, and trust me, he’s already not letting it keep him from doing what he wants in life!), suddenly I was thinking, "But we've never taken him to the beach!" Instead of focusing on the fact that we've spent thousands on surgeries for him over the years that we don't really have, simply because we love him so much and consider it our responsibility to do whatever it takes for him, and all the day-to-day love and affection he gets, I'm focusing on things I have not done for him.

I won't go into a big religion discussion, but I will say there were nights as a young child when I'd lie awake crying and couldn't sleep because I wondered if my friends would die and go to hell if I didn't personally make sure they got “saved.” A lot of my beliefs have changed as an adult, and that kind of guilt is part of the reason for that. I don't believe that kind of heavy burden belongs on a child. Or an adult, frankly. Suffice it to say I believe in a much more loving God/Universe than that, and while I don't believe anything goes and everything is relative, I do think a lot of the things we obsess, worry over, and feel guilty about as human beings are petty and trivial and that we will realize how silly we were on the other side.

Guilt Often Comes from the Drive to be the Perfect [Insert Title Here].

I've been mulling over this post for a few weeks, so I was thinking about guilt when I read Shybiker's post about the lists people make of things they regret when on their deathbed. As most of you know, my mom died young - it was 7 years ago this past Valentine's Day. That taught me very well to make the most of my life and to stop letting fear hold me back, to do everything I want to do while I have the ability so that I don't regret not doing it later. It was also a big part of why I wanted to develop as much healthy self-confidence as I could, because she didn't have it, and honestly, that is a huge waste. (Now I just have to stop feeling guilty over not developing more confidence/not doing all the things I wanted sooner, right? Just kidding.) Anyway, here is part of the comment I left:

That's a pretty powerful list. I am always making myself feel guilty about something or other; sometimes I will pull something out of thin air to feel guilty about that is really not worth my energy. So I think some of the things I "regret" really aren't as huge as I think they are. But, in general, I do try to have as good of a balance between family, friends, work, self, etc. as I can. I feel like I am juggling a whole lot of balls, and I feel like those I care about (except for baby, of course!) suffer sometimes because I can't give 100% to everybody all the time. But I do my best, and as long as I do that, I shouldn't have any regrets.

Sounds nice, right? So why do I still allow myself to have regrets then? There is only so much I can do as one imperfect human being who is a wife, mom, daughter, niece, friend, employee, blogger, and all the other many roles I play in my life. I cannot be all things to all people all the time. So why do I let myself feel guilty for not being able to be superhuman? We can and should try to make the best balance as we can, but we aren’t always going to be able to give everyone/everything a perfectly equal piece of the pie.

As I've said many times before, I don't want to teach my daughter that she has to be perfect. I lived with that self-imposed drive most of my life - hmm, sounds like maybe I still do a bit, and it always leaves me tired, guilty, and never feeling enough. I want her to know it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. Every time I'm even slightly irritable at home with my husband or pets, I feel guilty and terrible. (I am even feeling guilty right now that I'm admitting I ever get irritable with them.) But you know what? When my daughter is older, she will learn that being irritable is normal sometimes and doesn't make you a bad person and that Mom apologizes if she hurts anyone's feelings. I think it's not so much the mistake you make as the way you handle it afterward. Did you learn from it? Will you do your best not to let it happen again? Okay, then let’s move on.

No one is perfect, no matter how awesome their life may appear on Facebook, so stop the insane treadmill drive to be perfect already. Just be the best you that you can be and let go of the rest.

Guilt Can Turn You Into a Martyr, Which Only Leads to More Guilt When You Actually Do Something for Yourself.

People act out in a variety of ways to get their individual needs met, and that alone can lead to guilt situations. And there should be no guilt for doing what you need to do for yourself to meet as many of your needs as possible, within normal reason and as long as you aren't demanding of others to do that for you. It is not selfish to have time for yourself. It is not selfish to be happy. It is not selfish to succeed.

I decided to do a Google search for "guilt and self-esteem" when I was planning out this post. (Hey, next time someone Googles that, maybe this post will come up!) I found a couple things I really liked.

Not only do we feel guilty for not being good enough, but we also take on all our family's emotional pain and guilt that they have not been able to deal with in their lives. This causes us to sacrifice ourselves for other people rather than living our own life fully. We subconsciously decide that we can pay off our guilt by being in sacrifice to the people we love.

(from http://www.iloveyouloveme.com/relationship_advice/the_origins_of_guilt_and_low_self_esteem.htm)

I had spent most of my life taking care of other's people needs and I have forgotten mine. For many years I played the role of a "good child," sometimes called: "Responsible Child" - "Family Hero." I realized that in doing so every time I have succeeded I felt guilty, I had left (in my own thinking) my family behind.

(from http://www.selfesteemawareness.com/self-esteem-and-guilt.htm)

Bottom line...

If you are constantly dwelling on mistakes you've made, chances you didn't take, all the "what ifs" that leave you riddled with anxiety in addition to guilt, think about how that influences your overall opinion of yourself - not of how you look but who you are as a person. If you can't cut yourself a break, you may very well go through life feeling less than and unworthy. And let's face it: living with constant guilt is exhausting! When you let go of it, you literally breathe easier. Your whole body benefits, not just your emotions. It is what it is. Forgive yourself, let go of it, and just try to do better from that point forward without making yourself crazy. In general, most people do the best they can at the time. You have to decide that was enough.

What do you need to let go of, right here, right now, so you can stop feeling guilty? Don't feel you have to answer such a personal question in a comment if you're not comfortable with that, though you can do it anonymously if you like, and maybe that will help hold you accountable. Either way, decide that you deserve to let go of it and start feeling better about who you are.

For me, in this particular moment in time, I’m going to go rejoin my family and choose not to feel guilty for taking the time to write this post. :) I also need to stop feeling guilty for not spelling out that this post is not geared toward people who are abusive or harmful to others. Wait…I just did it anyway.

P.S. If you also have “Mom Guilt,” you might want to check out these books. I haven’t read any of them, but they certainly sound up my alley!

You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either): 14 Secrets to Finding Happiness Between Super Mom and Slacker Mom

Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids

Stop Second-Guessing Yourself--Baby's First Year: A Field-Tested Guide to Confident Parenting (Momma Said)

Momfidence!: An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting

Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting

I'm sorry to ask, but I need some help.

2012-02-24T15:26:00.000-05:00

My husband and I have 6 children: 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a baby. As you can imagine, we spend a LOT of money trying to take good care of all of them. Our pets are our family, and even though things are more challenging now that we also have our baby, they still mean the world to us. Both cats are hyperthyroid, we had a growth removed from one of our cats last year, one of our dogs has had TWO knee replacements, etc. All our pets are rescues in one form or another.

The dog with the knee surgeries, Jake, also had a cancerous tumor pop up on his front paw last August. He got surgery, and the results came back with clean margins, meaning there were no cancerous cells in the skin around the tumor that they could find. But with the tumor being right off his paw pad, it was a very tricky area to operate on, and the margins there are not as wide as they typically want with tumor removal. A chest scan showed nothing had spread, so all these things led us to believe he was in the clear.

A couple of weeks ago, it came back, and not one tumor but two. After a lot of consulting with our regular vet and two different specialists, we decided we needed to have him scanned again (chest and abdominal) to make sure it still hadn't spread. He had a swollen lymph node and one nodule show up in a scan, though everything else looked normal. We waited on pins and needles to find out if the lymph node and nodule meant anything or not. We finally got the call that the cancer has NOT spread and is localized to the paw. This is GREAT news. However, this also means that he has to have the whole arm amputated. Due to the size of the tumors, the location, and the fact that it already came back once after local surgery, that is the best way to ensure it can never come back. It sounds strange to say, but we are actually relieved that amputation is all we have to do because that means we can get rid of it and it's not anywhere else in his body. At least, that is how I am having to look at it to keep myself from falling apart over the loss of his limb. In all likelihood, the loss will be harder on us than him. He will most likely adapt quickly and be able to do most of the things he has always done (which is fortunate, because you can see he's a lab mix, which means he's still very much like a puppy). And another silver lining is that both his knees are nice and strong.

He's getting the surgery on Monday. The reason I need help: we already spent $1,000 getting all the scans and needle aspirations to make sure it hadn't spread, and the amputation itself will cost $2,000. I hate asking for money and don't think I ever really have. But we have our daughter now, and expenses are mounting. We could really use some help. I thought I'd set up a Paypal button where people could donate if they feel compelled.

If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could buy one of our handmade necklaces from our etsy shop, and that will go toward Jake's surgery.

www.theclosetnarcissist.etsy.com

I hope I am not out of line using our blog to make this request.