The White House did not identify the woman except to say she was “a dedicated member of the White House cleaning staff for over 12 years” in a statement released Tuesday afternoon.

Mr. Emanuel said it was approximately 2:15 PM when he looked up from some reading materials to see the woman dusting a table where his briefcase sat. Realizing the briefcase had been left open, he asked the woman if she had seen what was inside.

“She hesitated,” Mr. Emanuel said. “She said, ‘Uh–No.’ And I knew. She had seen the documents. And therefore, I had to dispose of her as quickly and as quietly as possible.”

Mr. Emanuel said he simply walked up to the woman and put his hands around her neck. He continued to apply pressure, dropping down onto the floor with her as she fell, until she had stopped breathing completely.

“It was very quick, very simple,” Mr. Emanuel said. “All one motion, very fluid.”

And then it was done, he said. “I made some calls to take care of odds and ends, and we were back to work within a half hour. I can’t help wanting to brag about how efficiently it was handled.”

Mr. Emanuel was asked if he felt any remorse for his actions, especially considering the fact that the woman only saw the documents in question because Mr. Emanuel left his briefcase open on the table.

“No. No remorse,” he said. “Look, was it my mistake, leaving the thing open? Yeah. But I’m not going to strangle myself. I’m the Chief of Staff.”

As he left for a staff meeting, Mr. Emanuel concluded by saying, “These things happen. People see things they’re not supposed to see. Then they go away. As if they never existed. In fact, I have no idea what ‘cleaning woman’ you’re referring to. We’ve never had a woman like the one you describe on staff at the White House. You must be mistaken.”

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The payment, a bundle of warnings and outraged exclamations, fell just short of its intended target, an uninhabited island in an undisclosed area of the world. The payload of rhetoric sank into the ocean, according to Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell.

Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell gestures during a press conference announcing the test launch of long-range rhetoric on the part of the United States.

“The rhetoric very nearly hit its intended target, but missed by several hundred yards,” Mr. Morrell said. “A reconnaissance team is currently attempting to recover whatever remains of the payload. I’m happy to announce the team has already recovered one indignant outburst and one unsupported warning. So that’s great work.”

The rhetoric, said Mr. Morrell, was meant to intimidate North Korea’s leadership into halting its nuclear tests, which have set South Korea and much of the rest of the world on edge.

“We were hoping to persuade the North Korean government that there are consequences to this type of behavior,” Mr. Morrell said. “These are harsh words, some of them with a fair amount of passion and interesting word choice. And even though, in this case, the rhetoric sank into the ocean, the gesture was still there. And hopefully that gets across to the North Korean leadership - from under the water - the message that, ‘Yeah, we can reach you with this stuff. These words can get all the way to you. So watch out.’”

Mr. Morrell said there was no date set for another launch attempt. “We’ll have to see when we might be able to collect that number of statements from the current political personalities,” he said. “We’re hoping to do it before, you know, before they blow us up! Ha! No. Just kidding. We’ll do it soon.”

Mr. Morrell would not confirm rumors of a Pentagon plan to test-fire short-range invective in the near future.

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President Obama introduces Larry Brillstein, his choice for Secretary of Panic, a new cabinet-level position. Brillstein almost didn’t make it to the White House due to his fear of going outside.

“Today I announce one of my most important appointments,” Mr. Obama said in prepared remarks. “Larry Brillstein will bring to this position the same level of paranoia and overreaction that he has brought to every job he has held so far in his life - one of which he lost due to an anxiety attack which occurred in front of customers.”

Mr. Obama said he chose to create the position, the first of its kind, because the country is in a “particularly heightened state of anxiety,” with the economic downturn, two wars being waged simultaneously, and most recently nuclear tests on the part of North Korea and missile tests on the part of Iran.

“This is a nerve-wracking time,” he said. “And who better to guide us through it than a man who once made and canceled the same doctor’s appointment eight times, because he was too scared to go? I am certain Larry is the right man for this job.”

Mr. Brillstein addressed the press, which he said was “frightening in a way you could not possibly imagine.”

“I almost didn’t make it here today,” Mr. Brillstein said. “I looked out my window and saw a man walking his dog. I was sure he was staring at me. I became very nervous and found it hard to breathe. It is this kind of experience that I will bring to the position of Secretary of Panic. I know panic. I know panic better than I know anything else in my life. And that worries me.”

Brillstein acknowledged his limited resume, but said he would give the position everything he had.

“You can be sure that when I wake up each day and think about the job ahead, I will be nervous almost to the point of incapacitation. I’ve never let a day casually go by before, and you can be certain I won’t start now. Thank you, Mr. President. And now I should probably go vomit.”

Murder suspect James Tummult posted this video at his new website, ididntkilled.com, inviting people to post information on the killing he is accused of.

The first post on the new site includes a video, in which Mr. Tummult says that he started the site so people with information about Mr. Hipps’ murder would be able to contact him and/or post information. He also asks for “support,” namely an electronic gift certificate to Peet’s Coffee.

Reached at his office, Lt. Paul Carlisle of the Montereyville Police Department Homicide Division, had no comment on the new development.

The Consumer Self-Confidence Survey is taken monthly, with responses coming from a representative sample of 5,000 households. This is the lowest level the index has ever fallen to, following a then-lowest 44.8 in April.

An American consumer attempts, unsuccessfully, to shop online at Amazon.com.

In a statement, U.S. Commerce Secretary Gary Locke acknowledged being disappointed in the numbers.

“These findings make it apparent that we are by no means on the upswing in terms of this recession,” he said. “Until people like themselves enough to buy things, businesses are unfortunately in for more economic pain.”

Participants interviewed after taking the survey say they feel differently about their abilities to purchase now than they have for the past several years.

“I used to feel like, ‘I can buy anything,’ you know?’” said Andy Narquell of Overland, Missouri. “Like no amount of debt or financial trouble could stop me. No price tag was too big, no product too large or unnecessary. But now, I don’t know. I just don’t have the same feeling of certainty when I walk in a store, that I can get the job done.”

Shirley Bakely of Allentown, Pennsylvania reported similar feelings.

“I look in the mirror, and I don’t feel inspired, I don’t feel up to the task of being a consumer. I used to be bigger than the products. Now the products are bigger than me.”

Participants responded to the survey between April 2nd and May 15th, and were asked a series of questions, such as, “When you see a blender on sale, do you go towards it or away from it?”

President Barack Obama stands with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates as he addresses the press to speak of the threat posed to the nation by former Vice President Dick Cheney.

“I have to look at it honestly and objectively, and when I do that, I see that I haven’t done the job,” the president said. “Vice President Cheney is still out there, speaking, scaring the bejeezus out of kids and nervous people everywhere, and I have to take some of the blame for that.”

Mr. Cheney has been on what has amounted to a media blitz of late, appearing on several television programs and making public speeches, attempting to defend harsh interrogation policies authorized by the Bush Administration. Americans have been exposed to Cheney far more often than some of them would like.

Jane Armster of Portland, Oregon said she thought the worst was over. “You know the election happened, and I thought, ‘Wow, he’s gone. Cheney’s really gone.’ And then here we are, what, a few months later, and he’s back. And he’s on TV all the time. He’s everywhere. It’s like he’s vice president all over again, except this time he has the energy to appear in public and talk all the time. It’s terrifying.”

Vice President Dick Cheney walks to a podium to speak to troops in his private army. The army is prepared to fight the U.S. military on behalf of Mr. Cheney.

Mike Mansher of Cleveland, Ohio said, “I feel like I’m in some kind of time warp or something. Like it’s 2003 again. And I hated 2003. I was dating this chick, and she was just a nightmare. Clingy, psycho. Hated my friends. So I don’t want to go back there again, thank you very much.”

Washington was abuzz this morning over a Washington Post report that Mr. Cheney is amassing a private army made up of thousands of paid soldiers ready to fight the U.S. military, if necessary. The former vice president is also named in separate Post story as “someone who expressed interest” in obtaining a black market nuclear weapon or the materials to make such a weapon by a Pakistani man in British custody who is awaiting trial on terrorism charges. The man, Ejaz Youseff, claims to have “extensive firsthand knowledge” of the nuclear weapons black market.

Lynne Headman, a spokeswoman in Mr. Cheney’s Washington, D.C. office, called both stories “flatly untrue.”

“Vice President Cheney has never pursued the purchase of a nuclear weapon,” Ms. Headman said. “And if he did, he would pay for it above board, fair and square and using the proper channels. Like he does with all his other weapons of mass destruction.”

Mr. Obama vowed to fight the forces of Mr. Cheney with new resolve, but said he won’t go beyond the rule of law.

“What I won’t do is torture, or do anything else that undermines the rule of law or goes against our founding principles,” he said. “We can defeat our enemies without sacrificing the moral authority that is our greatest currency. We can do that even against an enemy as formidable as Dick Cheney.”

Guards escort a shackled prisoner at the military prison at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base. The prison is set to close in January of 2010.

There has been a heated debate in recent days over the issue of relocating the detainees following the prison’s closure. Democrats this week refused to grant funds to close the camp until the White House offers a concrete plan for transferring the detainees. Nazirr says he can help solve this problem.

“I’ll help out the U.S. on this,” he said through a fence to reporters standing outside the prison gates. “The Ramada Inn in Perryville, Maryland has plenty of rooms for all of us detainees. I’ve stayed there myself, when I was in the U.S. to study, many years ago. Before you decided I was an enemy combatant. Trust me, it will fit us all, no problem.”

Nazirr said because the Ramada Inn is affordable, it might end up saving the United States money.

“I bet you it’s cheaper than running Guantanamo Bay,” he said. “I bet you can get a good rate, too, if you get a whole bunch of rooms. I don’t want to tell you your business, but two to a room is probably a reasonable arrangement. So that’s 120 rooms. You’ll get an amazing rate. Maybe say it’s a wedding. I don’t know.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, told of Nazirr’s suggestion, scoffed and said, “I was thinking something more along the lines of Harry Reid’s house, if the prisoners were brought to America.”

Nazirr did not accept the improbability that U.S. lawmakers would allow prisoners from Guantanamo into the United States at all, let alone let them stay in a hotel.

“Why? What’s the big deal?” he asked. “The only difference between a maximum security prison and a Ramada is really the decor, when you really think about it.”

Nazzir pushed his idea even as he was taken back inside the prison. “I’m telling you,” he yelled. “Perryville. Fantastic.”

Montereyville, CA - Police are searching for 33-year-old James Tummult of Montereyville, a man they are referring to as the “prime suspect” in the murder of 35-year-old Ed Hipps, also from Montereyville. Mr. Hipps was found in his apartment, dead of an apparent gunshot wound to the neck. The Montereyville Police are asking for help from the public to find Mr. Tummult, who called the Montereyville police today wondering about whether or not he was a suspect in Mr. Hipps’ murder. He would not come to the Downtown Montereyville Station for questioning, and is currently a fugitive from justice, according to Lt. Paul Carlisle of the Montereyville Police Department’s Homicide Division.

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James Tummult, seen leaving the apartment building at 222 East Cedar Street where Ed Hipps lived. Mr. Hipps was found shot to death in his apartment. Police are searching for Mr. Tummult, who they consider to be the prime suspect.

“I told him the best thing to do would be to come in and talk to us,” Lt. Carlisle said. “But he didn’t want to do that. He doesn’t realize he’s making it much worse for himself by evading the police.”

Lt. Carlisle said Mr. Tummult was not considered a suspect until he called the precinct. “That was very bizarre behavior, and sent up many red flags,” Carlisle said. He said Mr. Tummult told him he was in Mr. Hipps’ apartment at the time of the shooting, but he was not the shooter, nor was he involved in the shooting in any way.

“We don’t believe that,” Carlisle siad. “We feel that he was definitely involved in some way, some way beyond just being in the apartment.”

Lt. Carlisle said Mr. Tummult admitted yelling, “Time to die!” which several witnesses reported hearing just prior to hearing what they described as a popping sound, which police believe was the fatal gunshot. But Mr. Tummult told Lt. Carlisle that the phrase is a line of dialogue in a screenplay he is writing, and that he was repeating the lines out loud because Mr. Hipps liked the lines so much.

“He said he was sort of acting them out for Mr. Hipps, the lines, which we don’t buy,” Lt. Carlisle said. He said police have confirmed that Mr. Hipps and Mr. Tummult were enrolled in the same weekly screenwriting class, which meets Monday nights. However, Lt. Carlisle said, no scripts of any kind were recovered from the apartment.

Mr. Tummult’s phone call was leaked to the media this afternoon, and first appeared on the website TMZ.com. Asked about the leak, Lt. Carlisle said he had no knowledge of who might be responsible.

“I don’t know who did it,” Carlisle said. “It wasn’t me. I was out all day. At–at lunch. It was an extra long lunch. Because we had a lot to discuss. And because the portions were very big. So I couldn’t have done it.”

Police are asking anyone with information about Mr. Tummult to call the Montereyville Police Department.

“The vice president first did it with President [Felipe] Calderon of Mexico, when he visited the White House earlier this year,” said a senior White House aide who attended several meetings between President Obama and leaders from other nations. The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly about the meetings. “He said, when they were in the Oval Office, ‘President Calderon, how about you and me, a little mano e mano, huh? What do you say?’ And he put his arm on the president’s desk and bent down. ‘I bet I’ll have you saying “no mas” within 30 seconds.’”

The aide said that situation was quickly diffused by President Obama, who referred to the challenge as a joke. “And we thought he was done then,” the aide said, referring to Vice President Biden.

But this week, with President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan and President Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan in Washington for three-way talks with the president, the vice president was up to old tricks.

“When Karzai showed up, Biden said, ‘Hey, Mr. President, how about a quick match, huh?’,” recounted the aide. “And his arm was already on the table waiting. And he wiggled his fingers and raised his eyebrows. And Karzai just looked at him and smiled nervously. He didn’t know how to react. Nobody did.”

President Obama quickly and firmly steered the meeting back to the subject at hand, namely pushing back against Taliban forces in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

The president reportedly said, “Uh, Joe, as much as everyone would love to see you arm-wrestle President Karzai right now, and as fun as that would be, there are other matters to attend to. So why don’t you put your arm down and we’ll try to get this meeting started.”

“And Biden said, ‘Yeah, sure. No problem’ and put his arm down,” the aide added. “But then he threw in, ‘I also thumb-wrestle, if you prefer. Either way, I’m taking you you down.’ And President Obama glared at him and went back to leading the meeting.”

The aide said the situation worsened when Pakistani President Zardari joined the talks. Just after greeting Mr. Zardari, the aide said Mr. Biden grabbed for the leader’s arm. “He said, ‘Hey, lemme see that bicep.’ And he squeezed Zardari’s arm. And then he said, ‘Oh, I can take you, no problem. Let’s go right now.’ And he got down on his knees and put his arm up on the small side table nearby, and said, ‘Come on. Let’s go, Zardari. Let’s see what you got. Or are you chicken?’”

President Obama was then forced to remove Vice President Biden from the meeting, according to the aide. “Vice President Biden is not to be included in any of these meetings until further notice,” the aide said. The aide said Mr. Biden left the meeting willingly, and didn’t seem angry or hurt.

“He seemed to take it okay. He went down to the game room and played air hockey with one of the security guards. Last I heard, he was in there till two in the morning.”

“First it was an apple, while Secretary Geithner was trying to make a point about reducing government spending,” Mr. Conrad said. “Secretary Geithner just looked up for a moment at President Obama, who looked back at him as if nothing had happened. Then the secretary started speaking again, and a moment or two later an orange came across the table, on a bit of an arc, and hit Secretary Geithner in the chin and then fell to the floor. He looked at President Obama again. No reaction. No indication anything had been done. And this went on for the entire time the secretary was trying to make his points, until the president ran out of fruit.”

Mr. Conrad was hesitant to speculate as to the reason behind the president’s actions. But he acknowledged that it is Mr. Geithner, more than any other government figure, who is most associated with what many see as an insufficient White House response to the continuing economic crisis.

“It’s possible it’s just pent-up frustration from the past few months,” Mr. Conrad said. “Maybe for a lot of the negative feedback, the criticism they’ve received regarding their response so far.”

It was Mr. Geithner who was held responsible for lack of detail in the bank rescue plan announced in February, which caused unease and a 4% drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Mr. Geithner was criticized for his handling of bonus payments to executives at AIG. And just this week, The New York Times published an expose of sorts on the close relationships Mr. Geithner shares with many Wall Street players. That article may have been something of a last straw for the president in terms of his treasury secretary, though there is no indication that he has any plans to replace him at this time.

“I don’t think he wants to necessarily make a change,” Mr. Conrad said. “But I think he wanted Secretary Geithner to know that he’s displeased with his performance thus far, and maybe in how that has reflected poorly on his administration, and on his first 100 days as president. And one way to show that to someone is to hurl fruit at them from across the table. I mean, I’ve never tried it, but from what I can tell, it works like a charm.”