The National Society for the Prevention of Joss Stone

Celine Dion. That new hip-hop direction in FULL!

2007-08-15T20:14:00.000+01:00

So Celine Dee-Yawn, body of a broom handle, head shaped like a steam iron, voice like an over-full hoover bag (Christ, that's not a woman, that's a utility cupboard...!) is holed up in a studio somewhere with Timbaland, plotting her next assault on a world already ravaged by famine and civil war and one that could, let's be frank, do without her.

Timbaland, who at least can be commended for bringing Missy Elliott to the world's attention (tho actually was it more likely the other way around?) has recently stooped to applying his hippity-hoppity jump leads to the stinking carcass that is the reformed Duran Duran (all of the original line-up! only fatter! wow!) though i'll be over there with a bible and some olive oil in a jiffy...so the call from Dion must've seemed like divine intervention..or Candid Camera, one of the two...

Oh joy, Oh joy! (claps hands furiously and wiggles legs)...first single will inevitably be "Bang Mi Skinni Ass" featuring Nelly Furtado, Nelly The Elephant, Elephant Man, Pac Man, Top Man, P Diddy, the Diddy Men (of course!), Akon, Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, Poundland and St Winifreds School Choir. The track will have been written by a committee of 57 and consist of two notes and a sound not too dissimilar to three drum kits, a blind person and their dog being pushed down a flight of stairs. In the dark. I think its a hit!

It heavily samples Toni Basil's "Mickey", and theyve generously given her a 2% writing royalty cut as they took out a whole hi hat sound from the original so it sounds nothing like it...honest! In the video, Celine chases her kitten Twinkletoes down a flight of stairs (she's wearing a thong, wooden clogs and a glove on one hand, you can hear her cursing in French if you turn the volume way up) and finds herself in a spookily deserted warehouse basement, all industrial steel and wire mesh...theres dry ice and moody red lighting (which is a bit strange for a deserted basement)...suddenly she realises she's surrounded by hordes of lithe semi naked sweaty bodies...Twinkletoes makes a dash for an exit..."Grab my pussy!" she shouts and the drums start...Celine positions herself over a bottle of Courvoisier, a bit like she's going to the loo but without the bowl there...

"Evry body look at me, me...
Open bottle like i do a pee, pee...
Move ya body round me like a nym-pho..
Watch mi cos mi really gonna sink low.."

Then she breaks into the stolen sampled chorus, singing to the bottle of courvoisier...

"Oh mickey ur so fab,
Your so fab you...
Bang mi booty!"

the track fades out with the assembled masses, faces in disgust, chanting:

"Wish we'd nevva evva met her at all!
Wish we'd nevva evva met her at all!"

Well Radio 1 will love it, thats for sure.

(leave your ideas for the follow up single in the comments box and we'll do the video to that NEXT week!)

Tom Jones. An announcement.

2007-08-15T20:10:00.000+01:00

I cant friggin' stand him.

Bananarama mounted by every Mail this Sunday!

2007-08-03T21:31:00.000+01:00

And thats a lot of sore heads on Monday morning if you know worra mean folks....so the Mail On Sunday has decided that what every reactionary, narrow minded, fascist home in this country needs is a Bananarama CD...nice...as long as they load it up with lots of the golden Stock Aitken Waterman years toss then i think Mr & Mrs Middle England will appreciate a sound which is more or less "sung" by the enslaved trio in the key of cash but was only ever music to the ears of a few bank managers...the fact that most of the CDs will end up in a bin is not good news either cos theres actually bound to be decent stuff on there...
I loved Bananarama..."Aint What You Do", "Really Saying Something", "Cruel Summer", god there was loads o' goodies...it didnt seem to matter that they couldnt sing, couldnt harmonise, could barely, for frig sake, stand UP, it was just good bloody FUN..."Aint What You Do" entered the chart the same week "Town Called Malice" entered at No.1, oh to be back in the good ol days...it was a million years from Stock Aitken and f**king Waterman...the British Motown my big fat arse..."Aint No Mountain High Enough" versus "I Should Be So Lucky"? "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted" versus ANYTHING by Sinitta, Hazell Dean, Sonia, Princess, blah blah de friggin blah...they might have churned them out relentlessly but lets face it they forgot to write the f**king songs first...
I'll give them Divine "You Think Youre A Man" which they didnt write anyway, Dead Or Alive's "You Spin Me Round" which they didnt write either, little Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" and ok smiley Kylie's "Better The Devil You Know" but it's hardly a legacy...it's hardly one half of a friggin greatest hits album...
I hope the nanas fleeced the Mail for half a million like Princey....now, Prince mounted on every Mail that Sunday...thats not a lotta sore heads, that was just one baaaaaad ass!!

Beatles to Reform - part 2!!!

2007-08-01T21:58:00.000+01:00

Well it's OBVIOUS what happens next! (And if youve come to the blog for the first time then you might want to scroll from the bottom up and not start here....)...
Cilla and Sonia, bleeding heavily and clinging onto life by the skin of their veneers are hurtling across the city in an ambulance towards the nearest A&E...well actually it's parked outside a late night caff cos the drivers are staaaaarving and theres a bit of a queue, those custard danish look good and christ knows when theyll be back on the road again...
Meryl Osmond (hurrah!) has leapt on stage...he's been here all along with the rest of the Osmonds - y'know, Donny, Jimmy, Marie, Mungo, Midge, Sooty, Sweep, Bingo, Snorky, Droopy and Fleegle - so THAT'S who friggin' booked Row A! - to save the day, has a word with the builders from Frankie and launches (as he's the hairiest of the clan - see below!) into "Long Haired Lover from Liverpool", though they haven't rehearsed any other tunes so they just do it to a sort of slow version of "Relax"....

and these are the god's honest lyrics:

"I'll be yer long haired lover from Livapooool,
An' i'll do anything you aaask,
I'll be your clown, yer puppet, yer April Fooool,
Cut my hair and wear a maaaask!"

Anything?! A mask?!! He was friggin 9!!!
(Ed - Did you know the album it came from was called "Killer Joe"?! That's one disturbed boy...)

Ken Dodd adopts the song as a new show stopping encore for the Diddy Men...
The builders from Frankie decide to build on the momentum of the gala concert and go back out on tour as Two Tripes.
Pete Burns is knighted by the Queen for services to showbusiness.

Beatles to reform with Ken Dodd and Sonia

2007-07-28T13:18:00.000+01:00

To celebrate its selection as european city of culture 2008 (an honour not too dissimilar to Time Out's top 10 Up and Coming Areas, which corresponds almost identically to it's top 10 murder "hot spots") Liverpool, bless it, is holding a concert in which they threaten, sorry promise, to invite all those Liverpudlians who have had a number one single in the UK (and presumably still alive, though it could add a novel element to the show if the deceased were invited too) to perform at a special one off gala concert.
Christ on a bike.
I bet Ken Dodd, the well known (acquitted) fiddler, will be the first to agree. A pioneer of child slavery (is there anyone from the city under 50 left who hasnt played Dickie Mint for two bob and a hold of the ticklestick?) and so old he's living proof we've just had a really mild winter, i think he should top the bill frankly. (For those trying not to remember, Dickie was one of the Diddy Men. A troupe of oompa loompa like vertically challenged men with debatable names (Nigel Smallpiece, Weany Wally...) that performed with Dodd. Allegedly.
And not far behind him, i bet (as long as the social doesn't get to hear about it):

Sonia
the three builders in Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Cilla Black
Pete Burns
Atomic Kitten

and thats about it.
I imagine the finale would have to be one song that symbolises everything the event stands for, y'know, a song close to every Liverpudlians heart. Ohh the pride, the passion, the history. The chance that a few extra column inches might get 'em on I'm A Nobody Get Me In There...each taking a turn at the mic...and if you hear the voices in your head, trust me, its a hoot:

Atomic Kitten (all 3 in different keys but twirling in unison): "Weeeellllll Nowwowwowww"
drummer builder and bass builder: dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk.....
Everyone: "Relax! Don't do it!"
Cilla: "When you want to suck it, do it!"
Diddy Men: "Relax! Don't do it!"
Dickie Mint (winking): "When you want to come..."
Ken Dodd (winking back at him): "When you want to come!" (or should that be a ?)
Everyone: "Heuuh!"
(Sonia, not expecting this, falls, screaming, off the stage into the orchestra pit...)
Cilla: "But live those dreams....surpriiiiise!"
Ken Dodd: "Scheme those schemes..!"
Cilla: "Gotta hit me!" (Pete Burns takes it literally and punches her)
Cilla: "Hit me!" (He hits her again, only harder)
Cilla: "Hit me with those laser beeeeeee...." the sound fading as she too falls, bleeding heavily, into the orchestra pit...
at which point they have to stop and pull both Cilla and Sonia back up onto the stage. However Freddie Starr who's compering (and thats not a lie..) mistakes Sonia for a hamster and eats her.

I mean, we just have to be there. Unfortunately tickets went on sale 2 months ago, and ive called the venue this morning just in case, but ive been told the best seats we can now get are back in Row B. Centre of the house.

I Swear To Christ, Its An Osmond

2007-07-27T22:39:00.001+01:00

I know what youre thinking. Its the cowardly lion, from The Wizard of Oz. But its not. Its an Osmond. Merrill Osmond to be precise. Merrill? I remember Donny, Jimmy, Marie, Mungo, Midge, Sooty, Sweep, Bingo, Snorky, Drooper and Fleegle.
But not friggin Merrill.

Go girl! No, seriously, just friggin' go...

2007-07-25T23:07:00.001+01:00

Enough already. So Rihanna is numbero uno for the 10th week running now. Big bloody deal. Hanging around at the top of the charts like some stale cat's piss of a bad smell that we'll never get rid of now. But did anyone tell you that she's done it while selling, in total, a miserly 300k copies of the wretched thing? (UK darlings, UK, i know we've gone global but lets focus here...). Let me put that into perspective. Gnarls Barkley had done nearly 700k copies when they reached the same landmark last year.
Remember "Crazy"? Y'know, a milestone in music history? The coming of the digital age? A sign that we're all flocking en masse to loony itoons to gorge ourselves on a smorgasbord of undiscovered musical delicacies? Codswallop. It was just a bone fide classic "record". This, on the other hand, is most certainly not.
But 300k copies in 10 weeks at number one? The digital age, i hate to tell you, has obviously come, had a look around, thought sod that and f***ed off again. Either that or the only reason this tosh has stayed at number one is cos to get to a bloody record shop at the moment to buy anything else you need a canoe, or a pedalboat, and funny enough none of us have one handy.
Strange tho, that every 12 year old from here to Botswana has the song piping out their mobile, out their iPod, out the back of their bloody heelies, and by the sounds of it OUT OF THEIR FRIGGIN ARSES...all cos one brat in Hemel Hempstead has bluetoothed it free to the entire global population of under 16s with the push of one button and a smiley emoticon...not, obviously, cos anyones actually, heaven forbid, bought the bloody thing...Wet. Wet. And friggin Wet.
Speaking of which, 1.8million by the time THAT hit 10 wks at number one. "I feel it in my fingers". "I feel it in my tooooes". You'll feel a blunt brass instrument in your friggin face if you sing one more line from that christ awful record.

Annie? Get Your Gun! part 3!

2007-07-25T21:33:00.000+01:00

Dido’s on it!!! Never. In the history of mankind. Has one woman sold, so many records, with so few decent songs on them. Actually, hang on a second, didn’t we just mention Celine Dion? Well Dido had one actually (“White Flag”), Celine bloody Dion, on the other hand, has had none. Unless of course you count any that have been turned into thunderous high energy knickers-in-the-air-where’s-the-podium-sod-it-where’s-the-f***ing-poppers-darling! kind of numbers. In which case. She’s had loads!
Fergie's on it!! How does that song go? "How come evry time you come around, my London, London Bridge wanna go down..."!! I've just had breakfast love! Christ, itd be like pokin a botoxed cabbage patch doll.
Gladys Knight is on it, bless her. "Baby Don't Change Your Mind", "Midnight Train To Georgia", now THEY'RE tunes. And she doesn't need to turn my stomach in the process of listening to them. But. let's face it, she hasn't had a hit since that James Bond theme so i bet she's penniless, rifling through the broken biscuit dumpbin in Aldi like a woman possessed, shuffling 2 inches behind the reduced pricing gun in Spar as we speak, and therefore glad of the exposure.
Melissa Etheridge, well she's got balls, but no tunes.
Pink's on it. And anyone covered by La Bassey has to have one decent song at least ("Get The Party Started") but everything else? Well, as i tell dear friends when asked what handy tips i have for their xmas dinner leftovers....throw it all in the f***ing BIN".
Bonnie Raitt? see Melissa Etheridge.
And KT Toadstool.
She's going all glam for that difficult second album apparently. I'm reminded of Suzi Quatro. Which im not sure is a good thing. For her. Or us.
Oh and Joss Stone is on it ("Y'gettin down, y'all?!). But this isnt a blog about Joss Stone, though don't get me started on that oul trout.
My own line up would probably consist of:

Kate Bush (all hail!)
Aretha Franklin
Agnetha
Frida
Siouxsie
Debbie Harry
La Bassey
Stevie Nicks
Bjork (what the f*** is that album sleeve about?)
Messy Elliot (bloody hilarious)
Sinead O Connor
Martha Wainwright
Tracy Thorn
all three ladies from Boney M
plus if i may, from beyond the grave
Nina Simone
Dusty Springboard
Karen Carpenter
Divine
and purely for the drinks afterwards
Jay Aston from Bucks Fizz
and err
Baccarra

Ladies and gentlemen, i now throw it open to the floor.....

Annie? Get Your Gun! part 2

2007-07-25T21:32:00.001+01:00

Celine Dion’s on it. That’s a face you’d never tire of slapping. If it wasn’t for the fact that she won the Eurovision Song Contest once, and will one day need to be mummified or stuffed and put on show in a glass box, in a museum, in Brighton, i would have to have her assassinated.
Shakira’s on it. Shakira?! Let’s get this straight here and now. Latin countries are still holding lighters aloft to the same old laboured pub rock arena tat that we gave up on sometime around Phil Collins and Marillion (what do you mean, they’re both still going?!). She’s only filling stadiums around the globe because the globe is full of homesick south americans. But let’s face it, its the only reason our very own Paul Weller can play to more than just his roadies in New York. And the basis, surely, for ANY Gerry & The Pacemakers world tour.

Annie? Get Your Gun!

2007-07-22T11:51:00.001+01:00

i read with great interest (jesus christ, do i really have to say that?), that Annie Lennox is to release a song “backed by 23 of the world’s most talented female singers”. Now, i have a lot of time for Annie. 4 minutes 25 seconds to be precise. That’s how long “Shame” from the “Savage” album lasts (number 41 in ’87 if my memory serves me well..a big old flop, and thats the mark of a true classic boys and girls..). And we have to thank her at least for covering “No More I Love You’s” as some belated financial reward for those poor sods in The Lover Speaks (if you haven’t hunted their album down you have a void in your life that needs filling).
Ok, ok, i’ll give you Eurythmics “Never Gonna Cry Again” and that video for “There Must Be An Angel..” but only for the fat bloke with the ginger curls, panstick and big f***-off wings twittering like some demented budgie in a blouse the size of Lichenstein. But other than that, bloody what?
So, this new track, “Sing”. Well, Madonna is on it. Fair enough. She hasn’t half come out with some toss in her time, but anyone who gets the thumbs up from the greatest group in the history of the world EVER, PERIOD, END OF, er Abba that is you fools, is alright in my books. And let’s face it, apart from the Foo Fighters she was the only thing worth watching on Live Earth. I mean, i could do without the sob sob kiddy choir song (“I Have A Dream” was 28 years ago love! Though granted that was shite too...), that awful rawk geetar version of “Ray Of Light” where she plays the same one chord and still has to look down to check her bloody fingers every 3 seconds (or was it her nails?), and “La Isla Bonita” which was an abomination first time around and barely better with the gypsies, but my God you have to hand it to a woman of her age, in ‘er knickers, running her parking meter up and down the handle of a ghetto blaster in front of 70,000 people (the elderly and afflicted et al) and calling it entertainment! And to the sound of Abba! Genius!

O Come All Ye Hateful!

2007-07-22T11:47:00.000+01:00

this is not a blog about Joss Stone, though don’t get me started on that oul trout (“Y’gettin down, y’all?!”). this is a blog about anything and everything, tho i imagine it’ll mostly become a second home for music industry moaners (“goooood morning jobseekers!”), bitter failed popstars (oh pretty pretty pleeeeease!), snobs, rubbish drag queens, the unemployed and anyone fond of mouthin’ off (and who isn’t after half a bottle of vodka?)...but hey, this is my world and these are my people.