The Naughty Librarian Review

Summer Reading Roundup

2009-08-06T10:01:00.006-05:00

Eek! summer is almost over. Clearly, I haven't read enough.
Hunger Games - Suzanne Collins - my new favorite book,
City of Ashes (Mortal Instruments trilogy) - Cassandra Clare - cousin love (aka incest)!
Wicked Prey (Lucas Davenport series) - John Sanford - political intrigue,
Zen and the Art of Vampires (Dark Ones)- Katie MacAlister - cute!
Finger Lickin Fifteen (Stephanie Plum series) - Janet Evanovich - exploding BBQs and farting,
New Moon - Stephanie Myers - 4th time!
Motor Mouth - also Janet Evanovich.

Too Much?

2009-04-09T08:19:00.002-05:00

(modcloth)

Breaking Dawn

2008-12-11T07:18:00.009-06:00

Confession - I just finished Breaking Dawn. I was very excited when it first came out, but the negative reviews were so immediate that I decided to hold off until after seeing the movie. I wanted to enjoy the movie with the excitement of someone who loooooves the series.

And, I loved Breaking Dawn! Yes, there are all sorts of issues - teen pregnancy, teen marriage, personal identity/independence and agency being at the forefront. I completely understand why lots of people are concerned - especially in light of shit like this.

But, from a purely romantic view-point, Breaking Dawn is completely swoony. Edward and Bella have perfect, unbreakable, forever love. What girl doesn't want perfect love that lasts forever?

Especially when it looks like this ... Le sigh.

Cover of the Week

2008-11-21T08:55:00.006-06:00

Her Private Hell? To have to smash her naked breasts against cold ass glass while glancing away in a semi-erotic manner?

Good girl cover art.

Hot.

Twi-Excited

2008-11-20T08:16:00.008-06:00

So I'm twi-excited for the opening of Twilight on Friday. Twons of squealing tweens, tweenagers and teens. I hope that I see the following:

1. Glitter eyeshadow
2. At least two girls applying lip gloss in the theater
3. More then three groups of six or more girls
4. Team Edward T-shirts

In October, girls invaded an Ohio mall and waited for hours for a glimpse of the ever dreamy Edward; and a huge brawl broke out - crazy, mad, wild mean girls.

So in short, my twi-dream is that Twilight will be awesome. Robin Sparkles, HIMYM, Let's go to the Mall awesome.

Period Drama

2008-11-18T17:18:00.008-06:00

Does anyone else think more men might like period drama if we didn't call it period drama?

Honey, would you like to watch some period drama sounds about as appealing as - honey, would you enjoy sitting and watching something associated with menstrual cycles and bloody cunts?! Come on.

Tips for suggesting period drama to your man:

1. While fans of the genre know that miniseries (especially BBC miniseries) is its best format - try suggesting something with a run time of less than three hours.

2. Swords and horses are a good thing. Lots of dudes like fantasy and battles; and may, therefore, enjoy a good horse laden period romp.

3. Stick to traditional themes - e.g Arthurian Legend.

My current favorites are BBC Robin Hood and BBC North & South. Swoon and double swoon.

Romance is Hot Hot Hot

2008-11-07T08:32:00.008-06:00

Bad News - the economy is in the shitter (and staying there). Good News - romance sales are up. I don't find it too surprising that in times of great turmoil, we go for the comforts of love and sex to feel happy and reassured.

Sites like eHarlequin - For women who Love to Read - provide an incredible amount of free content and an active online community. The varied Harlequin lines (Kimani Press, Silhouette, Mira, etc.) enable readers to quickly define, in a simply and fun way, the type of lover they wish or want to be. Interested in contemporary, christian characters facing the challenges of life and love - then Steeple Hill Inspired is the place for you. Are you a discerning woman looking for erotic stories of desire? Then go "ignite yourself" with the Spice line. Looking for a powerful, magical world you can only imagine - head on over to Luna and connect with your fellow magic lovers.

My favorite books are stand alone paranormals, but when reading series I like to be sparked by passion and fueled by desire - I'm a Silhouette Romantic Suspense gal.

Professionally, I try not to judge others reading habits - but personally, I must admit that the home & family lines creep me out. I'm sure I would find them a fine read, but the covers and titles weird me out:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Am I too biased? These are a little creepy, right?

F U in Your Mind Hole

2008-10-01T09:09:00.004-05:00

As I continue on my paranormal romance journey - at times carefully navigating the alpha male/forced sexual encounter line - I've discovered the appeal of a certain trope of paranormal loving. Often the alpha male is so big (literally his giant penis is so big) or so scary or so strong that the heroine is afraid or timid and in order to woo her he must first come to her in her dreams, a.k.a f her in her mind hole. These dream encounters are so lovely and sensual that the heroine no longer fears his giant man (cock) and soon welcomes him in to her bed.

Oh baby you're so dreamy please do me in my dreams ...

Oh no, I could never say yes to you, unless you do me in my dreams ....

These fantasies skirt the line of rape (he's immortal and therefore willfully controlling her dream), but they also open the door for the heroine to release her inhibitions and give in to her desires - they find a way to appeal to the desire for capture, rescue, protection fantasies while simultaneously appealing to the desire for strong, sexy heroines. Is this trope troubling? Perhaps, depending on how it's written - but it can also be incredibly hot.

Bind and Serve

2008-09-12T16:35:00.006-05:00

Did anyone else know there is a sub-genre of romance labeled "Capture and Bondage"? I particularly like this cover/title combo as it implies things that are neither quick nor easy.

And this week's cover of the week goes to Outlook Orgasmic. Bonus points for lewd use of childhood games. If only they could have covered his magic balls with the magic eight ball. Ahh to dream.

Read an excerpt here.

To Slut or Not To Slut

2008-09-08T16:48:00.005-05:00

My least favorite bitches (the ladies of The View) had a mildly interesting debate on sluts today. What these ladies, and everyone else who's been obsessed with the topic lately, tend to be gleaning over is that slut remains one of the most gender biased terms in our lexicon - so whether you are pro-sex (yeah!) or anti-sex (boo!), let's start by acknowledging that the dictionary definition of slut remains:

1. a person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous
2. a dirty, slovenly woman
3. an immoral or dissolute woman, a prostitute

While some may view sexual shaming as progress, and be excited by the idea that both boys and girls are currently being labeled as sluts - I simply see it as a disturbing progression of self and sexual loathing. I don't think we can ever divorce slut and gender bias. So while we may be evening the playing field, we are still implying boat loads of negativity on what should be seen as a natural and healthy progression.

Sex is good and fun and healthy and a natural part of life - and regardless of your personal views - can't we all just agree that it's never good to make young people feel bad about themselves and their bodies. Yes, I know some people think shame is a useful tool - but really, those people just suck.

Duck and Cover

2008-08-01T16:07:00.009-05:00

While I've spent most of the past three days wishing I was at RWA (aka Romance Writers of America conference). I could not pass up this awesome new addition to romance. Move over puppies and dragons, it's DUCK TIME!

Changeling press has released the following e-short featuring "duck love". My only question is - where do we go from here? Of all the animal fetishes, I thought ducks would be pretty low on the totem pole.

"With her favorite dirty ditty playing through her mind, Mia’s shocked to see that her fine feathered friend has turned into a hard-bodied hunk worth quacking over. What the hell is she supposed to do now?" - read an excerpt here.

P.S. Am I the only one who, upon seeing the cover, immediately started singing the Ducktales theme?

Originally posted on the always awesome Smart Bitches/Trashy Books.

I'm not quite sure what to think here

2008-07-25T16:23:00.006-05:00

Is she some sort of sexy human/dog cross breed? Why does she only have a tail? Is dog sex hot now?

Best use of bunny costume

2008-06-19T15:28:00.011-05:00

Another contender for the Best. Cover. Ever.

Possible explanations for the bunny ears:
1. She's waaaay in to Easter
2. She has a hard-on for hare
3. He asked if they could do it like bunnies. She agreed, but had something else in mind.
4. Playboy Bunny 2.0
5. She's wadding in to furry waters

Heaven

2008-06-16T08:31:00.006-05:00

Filling, pumping, fueling

2008-06-12T08:15:00.008-05:00

Rumor has it someone is remaking I Dream of Jeannie. Fifties t.v. adaptations never really work on the big screen (Bewitched, The Beverly Hillbillies), so the question of the day is - is there an actor who could save this movie? I'm voting Hayden Panettiere. Yes she's a little young, but she's very attractive and can pull off doe-eyed with out looking dumb.

I've been reading J.R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood series and while I absolutely love it - I must poke fun. I recently ran across some rather excellent romance phrasing. As the main characters' lovemaking progressed, he began - "pumping her, filling her ..." and __________ (you fill in the blank). All that came to my mind was fueling her?! Apparently reading newspapers can have an affect on your romance novel habit. I must now stave off the image of a dark, sticky vampire pumping her, filling her, fueling her ...

J. R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood

www.jrward.com

In Defense of Denise Richards

2008-06-09T07:48:00.004-05:00

I watched less then 5 minutes of Denise Richard's new E! reality show this weekend and it has me thinking - Denise Richards has been lambasted by the media for supposedly commenting that she is doing a reality show because she needs 'money'. Pundits have rightly pointed out that Ms. Richards has millions and doesn't need to do 'anything' for the money.

What if Denise Richard's is doing her E! show because she feels the need to work? Yes, she may have a large amount of money now, but fortunes change. To her credit, Starship Troopers was a minor cult hit and Drop Dead Gorgeous was one of the funniest movies of the 1990s; and she was a Bond girl. Perhaps, she merely has a work ethic and thinks that this is the best opportunity available to her. How many men with generous bank accounts would be told to stop working in their 30s because they have enough money to be taken care of? Maybe she simply has no intention of leaving the work force.

Lulu + Johnny

2008-05-28T07:56:00.013-05:00

Update - for those of you not living in soap opera world this is a big week - my couple, Johny and Lulu, is finally getting it on. Hooray!

Personally, I think that people who love each other should make out as much as possible; but that's just me.

In chick news, I totally have a crush on Keira Knightely. I thought she was pretty hot in Domino, and I liked her in Bend it Like Beckham and Pirates (to be fair, I was pretty much focused on Orlando Bloom) - but King Arthur has totally won me over. I'm going to watch Pride and Prejudice and Silk and get back to you. Go team Knightely.

Three Day Movie Extravaganza

2008-05-27T09:42:00.010-05:00

Saturday AM - Sunday AM: The Lost Room. Peter Krause struggles to save his daughter from a freaky parallel universe, magical objects and the horror of metaphysics. Really good actually. Yeah Sci-Fi Channel.

Saturday: Indiana Jones - action, adventure, treasure. Treasure!

Sunday AM: King Arthur. So good! Basically asks you to imagine that Guinevere was not a whore. She did not get it on with Lancelot. She was actually Merlin's daughter and a hottie warrior. Guinevere loved Arthur and Arthur loved Guinevere. G + A 4 Ever. ahhh.

Sunday: Speed Hand Kumar (aka Harold and Kumar). Obviously, this should have been the movie title. Here's the deal - ladies, if you're looking to score some points you should suggest going to see Speed Hand. Pretty funny with lots of cultivation, weed and vagina humor - wear a nice bra in case you get too bored.

Monday: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Dreamy Italian teen and confident English moppets save a magical kingdom from terror and demise. Sequels to follow.

Puh-lease

2008-05-19T15:49:00.007-05:00

So, I am a self proclaimed naughty librarian. I would even go so far as to say that my husband thinks I'm a sexy librarian. But I would never, never attempt to shelve books in 4 inch heels. Come the fuck on - we librarians are known for many things, and sensible footwear and cardigans are definitely at the the top of that list.

Read at your own peril.

(www.candacehavens.com)

Here's the tag line - "librarian who sees dead people" - uh huh, not yet sold on how craptastic this book will be? Allow me to continue, "Kira Smythe never thought she'd end up back in her hometown of Sweet, Texas. But now that her high-powered job, along with her five-year plan, have gone right out the window, she's back where she started, staying with her hippie, tofu-obsessed parents-except that somehow she's inherited the local library." - question, how exactly do you inherit a public institution? and BTW librarians are professionals with graduate degrees, it's not some crap job you take because your five year plan falls through, but I digress ...

I tried reading Candace Haven's earlier book Charmed and Dangerous - and frankly, it's about the worst piece of crap ever. I was stuck with this book on my lunch hour and it was so bad, that I opted to stare at the wall instead of keep reading. And Candace, listing that you are a former entertainment columnist is not the best way to win me over - I am so not impressed.

Cirque Du Freak

2008-05-19T08:54:00.009-05:00

How did I miss this?

The movie version of Cirque Du Freak is coming out this year and the cast is amazing. Salma Hayek and John C. Reilley!

I love these books, they're short and devilish and totally tween scary.

Best Album Cover Ever

2008-05-09T16:27:00.007-05:00

This makes me extremely happy.

Now if we could only see a pic of ManOwar in a TugOwar. What can I say, I dream big.

Vampires

2008-05-07T15:21:00.013-05:00

I can't help myself. I have finally been hit by Twilight fever. Damn this looks good.

In other vamp news, I'm slowly working my way through Colleen Gleason's Gardella Vampire Chronicles. Fun, historical, cheeky and a little less naughty then I'd like - hottie Jane Austen-esque bad ass female vampire hunter included. I love them so much that I'm even dreaming about them. Last night I hunted demons and chopped off their heads with my super sweet samurai sword. Oh yeah, I kicked ass.

www.colleengleason.com

You Look Old

2008-04-28T08:51:00.013-05:00

Charla Krupp released her book How Not to Look Old in January, 2008. I remember seeing her on all of the big news shows and being rather ambivalent about the book. As a 28 year old who worries about wrinkles, I thought it best not to judge this seemingly helpful book and let it slip from my mind. But last night at Barnes and Nobles, I picked up this New York Times Best Seller and was totally annoyed.

Dear Ms. Krupp,

You look old. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but the youngest that you look in your cover photo is 48. Don't worry, I'm sure you're not a day over 55. You're trying way too hard.

I feel for your readers and their desire to look young, so I thought that I would save them $26 and summarize the tips that you and a million other fashion experts continue to extol.

1. If you are 24 or older, stop shopping in the juniors section.
2. Buy plain, well fitted dark wash jeans.
3. Update your make-up every year or so - if you're rockin the same look as your high school daughter, you're in trouble.
4. Wear mosturizer, take a vitamin and drink water.
5. Ms. Krupp would like you all to wear high heels, personally I think they suck but whatever, lots of women feel sexy in them - I think cute and comfy shoes like Clark Priva's are just as sexy.
6. Don't wear tea or ankle length skirts.
7. Update you hair-do and jewelery. If your look is more then 5 years old, it's probably too old.
8. Wear Spanx.
9. Buy some cute, funky glasses.

Everybody got it? Great, now you can take that $26 and buy some steamy romances, which I GUARANTEE will make you feel sexier then this book.

P.S. There is nothing wrong with being old. There is nothing sexier then a mature, confident and vibrant older woman. Need proof? Check out uber-hottie Helen Mirren.

Damn she's hot!

Children's News

2008-04-23T08:10:00.007-05:00

According to the Huffington Post $10,000 birthday parties are the newest child craze.

Seriously. Perhaps I should not judge because I do not have children, and therefore, don't feel the pressure to please. Regardless, I am insanely bothered by this trend. As we slip further into a recession (California Costcos are rationing rice) - $10,000 birthday parties seem not only ridiculous but simply wrong. Think of all the amazing things that you could do with that amount of money - college, charity, dental work, therapy. My Best. Birthday Party. Ever included a homemade chocolate cake, slip & slide and pizza. Something tells me that your precious little angels would prefer slip & slides over fondue.

In other children's news, looks like Barbie may be on her last leg. Ten years ago this news would have pleased me to no end. Yes, I am one of those feminist who is bothered by Barbie, but Barbie is not being passed over as a result of consciousness raising - she's being ditched for newer and sexier Bratz dolls. At least Barbie has careers. Sexy dolls for 4 year olds fucking suck.

Librarian Superhero

2008-04-15T14:56:00.006-05:00

It's finally happened. I am officially the biggest geek you know. Last night I actually dreamt that I was a librarian superhero.

No, I didn't teach people to read or comfort the homeless. I didn't rule the world with my knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system or track down missing fines in the blink of the eye. I lured demons and vampires into the library and beat them into submission with telekinetic book throwing. And I had a kitten assistant who, for some unknown reason, needed to have both her ears covered every time I chucked a book. Not a very helpful assistant given that book chucking seemed to be my only power.

Now, if only I could remember what I was wearing. I'm going to imagine that it was some sort of unitard - cardie - cape combo.