The Netflix Martyrs

Episode 11 - Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Fri, 15 Nov 2013 04:21:00 +0000

Episode 11 - Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Yep, that's the poster. We get real serious this week about a Lifetime Original Movie about one family being destroyed by an overbearing asshole mother played by an actress who has appeared naked in films no less than three times. Also: Finally a movie that finally answers the question "Switchfoot or Green Day," porno parties, and what would a Texas Chainsaw Massacre porn look like? (Stay tuned after the outro for outtakes and story time.)

Starring: Kelly Lynch, Jeremy Sumpter, Lyndsey Fonseca

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Episode 10 - Branded

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Thu, 24 Oct 2013 02:08:00 +0000

Episode 10 - Branded

The Netflix Martyrs sell out this week with Branded - a film about the evils of, uh, mascots? We talk cow sacrifices, marketing superheroes uncomfortable car sex and the second coming of Audrey Hepburn, Leelee Sobieski.

Starring: Ed Stoppard, Leelee Sobieski, Max von Sydow, Jeffrey Tambor.

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Top 25 Horror Films of the Past Decade

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Tue, 08 Oct 2013 21:11:00 +0000

Three years ago I wrote a list of my favorite horror films of 2000-2010. After some requests for an update I've decided to modify the list into an evolving ranking. I intend to update every two years, "retiring" films that would have remained in the top 25 but that fall outside of the current decade, while acknowledging films that have become a permanent part of the modern horror canon. Each entry will contain a blurb from the previous iteration which allows me to discuss a film's extended impact on the genre.

Retired (A film is retired if it would have remained in the Top 25 but falls outside of the current time range)

Pulse (2001)

Peak Poisition: 6

"Kairo" looks at the proverbial ghost in the machine and turns the
finger at the internet, a place that, while it can bring people
together, is undeniably isolating us from society more and more. With
the advent of Facebook and social media, "Kairo" is more relevant than
ever.

May (2002)

Peak Position: 11

It's rare that a final scene is so jaw-dropping that you scream at the
film for ending.

Top 25 (Version 2.0 2003-2013)

25. Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010)
Previous Position: NA

Very few horror movies have been made that show a killer's perspective. Some exist for shock value (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Maniac [2013]), others exist as commentary (Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon [2006]). However, none of the films have taken a comedic tone and none have portrayed the killers as innocent, misunderstood victims. The surprisingly clever "Tucker and Dale vs. Evil" stars Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine as rednecks who save a beautiful young camper (Katrina Bowden of "30 Rock") from drowning. As they pull her unconscious body into their boat and drive down the swamp, her friends mistake this for a kidnapping. Suddenly all the tropes of the "murderous redneck cannibal family" genre unravel in increasingly insane and hilarious ways. What look like all the cliches of the backwoods horror genre are revealed to be simple misunderstandings and unfortunate coincidences.

Tudyk who is consistently impressive as a comedic character actor has fantastic chemistry with Labine and the two hapless brothers' antics rarely fail to illicit laughter. The film's climax is a bit of a let down but the accidental plot can only be carried to far before it begins to wear thin. A better genre parody than Zombieland but doesn't have much depth to it beyond a Raimi-lite slapstick splatterfest.

(edit: Tudyk and Labine play best friends, not brothers. Thanks Dhvanit Mehta for the correction.)

24. The Last Exorcism (2010)
Previous Position: 10 (-14)

A really smart found footage film that plays against the expectations of both found footage and exorcism films.

Jeffrey Canino at Nessun Timore (http://nessuntimore.blogspot.com) coined a phrase that accurately describes the biggest problem with the found footage genre: "The Revelation of Fate," the pronouncement, which usually comes before any actual footage has been shown, that everyone in this movie will die. It's extremely hard to watch a movie where from the very beginning you know there's no reason to get attached to any of these characters, because the last five minutes will be the one most likely to survive getting attacked/dragged away by some evil just off camera as the device falls to the ground, possibly capturing the thing at the last moment.

The Found Footage Fatigue plaguing horror is the reason most of the FF films which ranked high in List 1.0 drop off now. The biggest victim is "The Last Exorcism." It still remains a breath of fresh air in the genre, due to the storytelling and the acting of possessee Ashley Bell. The filmmakers' choice not to document a real priest, but a conman who is thrust into something very real is a clever choice that pays off in dividends at the end of the film. "Last Exorcism" avoids cheap jumpscares that have become standard in FF, but it didn't do anything first and it didn't do anything best, which makes it a FF movie worth seeing but without the staying power of some of its second wave contemporaries.

23. The Mist (2007)

Previous Position: 13 (-10)

And the ending? Well, yes, it's different than the book. And, yes, King has gone on record saying he wished he'd thought of that ending.

Let's be honest here: "The Mist" is really just "Night of the Living Dead" but in a supermarket. Survivors barricade themselves in against horrors from the outside but quickly learn that the enemy is both within and without. It's a film that feels like the drive-in B-movie romps of the 50s and 60s but with enough actual horror to avoid feeling hokey. Watching it in black and white (a feature on the DVD/Blu Ray versions) adds a lot to the movie to the point where I'm convinced it's the only way people should be watching it. I used to kind of hate how adaptor/director Frank Darabont changed the ending but over time I've learned to appreciate it. It's familiarity and post-9/11 undertones have started to date the film but it's certainly not without its moments.

22. ParaNorman (2012)
Previous Rating: NR

Animated triumph "ParaNorman" picks up right where "The Sixth Sense" left off. The boy who can see dead people has learned to deal with his power and embraces it, even using it to spend more quality time with his recently deceased grandmother ("Your grandmother is in a better place," "No she isn't she's in the living room."). However, his power turns him into the town pariah until an ancient curse causes zombies to rise and attack the town. The movie has more than enough references to horror classics and tropes that a genre fan be all grins. The gags are never overly juvenile and the subtext (often humans can be the real monsters) is obvious (for adults) but never not relevant.

It's the kind of movie 6-year-old me wishes Tim Burton made in 1991, though this movie outdoes Burton's recent efforts in every conceivable way. The cast of sidekicks are a veritable Breakfast Club of cliches, the jock (Casey Affleck), the princess (Anna Kendrick), the bully (Christopher-Mintz Plasse), the nerd and the weirdo. However, "ParaNorman" rebels against all of these archetypes and plays the characters in a beautiful, accepting way. We all know "The Breakfast Club" has fallen victim to time, (even if you've convinced "The Breakfast Club" isn't a bad movie with nothing of note to say about society - you may not realize it, but your brain does) that its toothless high school politics are utterly vapid; and ParaNorman's characters prove the hypothesis, with the grotesque 3D models becoming more animated than ten madeover Ally Sheedys.

21. The Pact (2012)
Previous Position: NA

Horror is a cyclical, auto-cannibalizing genre. In the 80s every quick to produce horror film was a "Friday the 13th" slash derivative. In the mid-late 90s it was pseudo-"Screams." The naughts saw trends in J-horror and torture porn. Now you can find 30 box covers on Netflix that tell you nothing about the film except 1) night vision 2) found footage. A fairly large theme in this list ends up being movies that are not what you think they are.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a woman returns to her childhood home after a death in the family and finds that the house has a past and the family has both literal and figurative skeletons in the closet. But in "The Pact," you don't get the expected. "The Pact" is a haunted house movie without a haunting. A ghost story that doesn't really have a ghost. A movie with Casper van Dien that has good acting. First time director Nicholas McCarthy creates an fantastic tone from the start and doesn't let up. The movie plays off of childhood fears, from the real - abandonment, abuse and punishment, to the fantastic - the monsters in our closet and under the bed. It also explores the theme of perception, how we view both others and ourselves, in addition to how we do it. At first, the horrific things in "The Pact" are viewed over computer screen and through a camera lens. But by the end all that is needed to see what has been hiding in plain sight for the entire movie is the naked eye peering through a hole in a wall.

20. The Tall Man (2012)
Previous Position (NA)

Between the DTV title and the opening reveal of a town where children vanish without a trace, all signs point to "The Tall Man" being a Slenderman ripoff. Instead it's a clever thriller with more depth and moral ambiguity than ever expected. In the tiny backwoods town that plays home to the disappearances, the only person who seems to have any common sense is Julia, a kind nurse played wonderfully by Jessica Biel. It's only when her own child goes missing that she fights to get to the bottom of what is wrong with the people of this town.

For a movie crafted by "Martyrs" director and nouveau-extremist-horror regular Pascal Laugier, "The Tall Man" is pleasantly restrained. Other than a creepy van action sequence slightly reminiscent of "Haute Tension," no blood is spilled in "The Tall Man," and the plot ramps up the suspense instead of the splatter. I would wager that the film's twist is impossible to predict, though later viewings make you realize how many hints you are actually given throughout. What truly helps the impact of the twist is that its arrival doesn't come within the last ten minutes, but at about the midway point of the film, making its gut punch all the more weighty. It's a supremely unique film which will likely turn off bloodthirsty horror fans, which, let's be honest, is a sign that the movie probably has some actual value.

19. Antichrist (2009)

Previous Position: 14 (-6)

Von Trier drops in a few hints here and there to hint at the fuckedupness of the situation, but by the time we've put it all together a penis has had serious harm inflicted upon it.

Lars von Trier is one of the most controversial filmmakers of our time. He's also one of the most brilliant. His most recent film, "Melancholia," is the most accurate depiction of clinical depression I've ever seen on film and hit so close to home that it left me shaken for days. So what happens when von Trier does horror? Well, the results are equally beautiful and revolting. It's a movie that hates its characters, hates itself, and, most importantly, hates you. In the first ten minutes the movie posits that not only are the film's main (and only) characters (Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg) responsible for the death of their infant child, but so are you for being a voyeur to the act.

What follows is grief, pain and despair; literally - the film bludgeons us with these obvious titles for each act. When Dafoe takes Gainsbourg to an isolated cabin to attempt to begin her healing process, terrible secrets come to light that drive the two apart. Through this the couple begin unintentionally causing mental and emotional injury to one another. This quickly and violently leads to very intentional physical injury.

We all know how I feel about the "torture porn" genre. I don't enjoy watching movies that amount to little more than FX reels. Whether American torture porn ("Saw," "Hostel") or the "more intelligent" (ha!) French nouveau horror ("Inside"), these films have very little to say and the extremes they go to are often unearned. I don't believe that utterly repulsive and difficult to watch acts should be removed from all film - however when used simply as shock value it goes beyond pathetic filmmaking into simply pathetic. It's why films like "Antichrist," "Martyrs" and (upcoming entry spoiler) "The Woman" work on such a visceral level. The unspeakable evil inflicted upon the characters makes sense in the workings of the plots and the films have built up to these scenes with the tact and precision of a scalpel and not the blunt revelry of a sledge.

I yield to Roger Ebert in his review of Antichrist: These passages have been referred to as "torture porn." Sadomasochistic they certainly are, but porn is entirely in the mind of the beholder. Will even a single audience member find these scenes erotic? That is hard to imagine. They are extreme in a deliberate way; von Trier, who has always been a provocateur, is driven to confront and shake his audience more than any other serious filmmaker.

18. House of the Devil (2009)

Previous Position: 17 (-1)

When the shit hits the fan, no one is spared, and that shit kicks off with a literal bang in one of the most startling and grotesque shock moments on the list.

Much like James Wan's "The Conjuring" is the best 70's haunted house movie to get stuck in a time vortex and transported to modern day, Ti West's "House of the Devil" is the best 80s babysitter-in-peril flick to fall into the same wormhole. Ti West is one of the best horror auteurs going today and what he shows in his first film is his expert ability to craft tension. For most of the first two acts of "House" nothing really happens. However, it's clear that something is very, very wrong. Everything that Samantha (Jocelyn Donahue) does in the house is met with clinched teeth and partially shielded eyes, from ordering pizza as the camera lingers on an adjacent, dimly lit hallway, to dancing around the house with headphones on. The third act spirals out of control perhaps too quickly, an error which West would later rectify in his far-superior follow up. The film's ending stinger also falls ridiculously flat and feels out of sync with the rest of the movie, but thanks to the thoroughly enjoyable ride it's easy to ignore a slightly disappointing destination.

17. The Woman (2011)
Previous Position: NA

Lucky McKee, who directed the whimsical and haunting "May," ditches the subtlety for brutality in "The Woman," a film which nearly caused a riot at Sundance. The film begins innocently enough, as we meet the Cleeks - a rural nuclear family with a sprawling farmstead. The family's patriarch, Chris (Sean Bridges), stumbles upon a feral woman one day while hunting. His plan, which surely could only end well, is to capture the woman and rehabilitate her. Only his idea of rehab is to turn his cellar into a redneck Abu Ghraib. Slowly we find out that there is dirty, rotting underbelly hiding beneath the All-American surface of the Cleeks, and the infection has been oozing and spreading for a long, long time.

The abuses in this movie are far-reaching and difficult to watch; mental, emotional, physical, sexual. Still, they never feel like they're done only for shock value and each horrific scene builds on the last which leads to a final twenty minutes that spirals so far out of control it drills through the earth and out the other side. The catharsis during this climax is incredible and worth enduring the horrors that came before. It's a movie of extremes - the masculine and feminine, sex and violence, feminism and misogyny. And, despite what the movie portrays, this is a staunchly feminist movie.

It takes a lot of guts (both figuratively and literally - covered in karo syrup and strewn across a barn) to shoot for the type of movie McKee made, and it would be an abject failure if not for his clever direction and the phenomenal performances. Bridges is repulsive as the domineering antagonist ("That is NOT civilized," he screams as the woman attempts to bite in self-defense from a beating whilst chained to a wall) but the true star of the movie is Pollyanna McIntosh who acts the savagery of an animal not with her voice, or only her body, but with her eyes.

I'll leave you with choice selections from reviews by grown-ass men who are paid real money to view films through an objective lens:

"The Woman" is an affront to human decency that no self-respecting critic would enthusiastically endorse.

An overhyped and crudely constructed little item - you wouldn't need to be repulsed to find ample reasons to leave.

Subtle as a mugging and gleefully outrageous, "The Woman'' is a feminist parable disguised as a sicko midnight horror movie.

16. Beyond the Black Rainbow (2012)
Previous Position: NA

One reviewer, whose language centers dried up on his mother's thigh, claimed that "Beyond the Black Rainbow" "...looks like it was lit by lava lamps, scored on Moog synthesisers [sic], written between bong hits and acted underwater." I'm not sure what doesn't sound awesome about any of this.

With a director with a name like Panos Cosmatos it's not surprising that his debut film is an abstract experience of intense visuals and ambient noise. Cosmatos claims the idea for "Black Rainbow" came from his childhood where he would walk the horror aisles of video stores and imagine the full stories that box art would tell. Perhaps I'm a bit biased because I used to do this too. Or, perhaps I'm a bit biased because I understand that film is a visual medium that doesn't have any obligation to hand hold its audience and speak at it in baby talk.

A plot summary is almost a disservice to the film, but in short: a mute yet gifted(?) girl is kept prisoner in a research facility that the opening alludes may have at one time been some sort of experimental, new age laboratory - everything DHARMA should have been. Her captor appears to be the last remnants (perhaps even a survivor) of the company and continues to observe the captured Elena (Eva Allen) in an increasingly obsessive and, occasionally, sexual way. The film is an artistic experiment that never becomes pretentious. It's equal parts Lynch and Kubrick - "2001" mashed up with "Eraserhead" mashed up with hallucinogen visuals. It's certainly not going to be a movie for everyone - some will find it "arty," or "boring," but only the truly obtuse will deny that there is a haunting beauty to what Cosmatos has put to film.

15. Mama (2013)

Previous Position: NA

My enjoyment for this movie may be bolstered by how low my expectations were going into it. All of the movies under the "Guillermo del Toro presents..." banner have ranged from acceptable to outright awful. But "Mama" succeeds less as a horror movie and more as a modern Grimm fairy tale.

When two children are found in an abandoned cabin in the woods it quickly becomes evident that the nearly feral siblings couldn't have possibly raised themselves. What little the eldest child can communicate, paired with cryptic drawings, imply that someone (or something) played a hand in raising them. Enter the titular Mama, a raven-haired apparition with its maternal instincts cranked up to 11. The reluctant mother figure is a punked out Jessica Chastain (be still my heart) who eventually bonds and begins to reintroduce the children to society, triggering the return of Mama and sparking a literally bloody custody battle. Both Chastain and the children play their roles incredibly well which more than makes up for the fact most of the secondary and tertiary characters are paper thin.

The jump scares are well done and director Andy Muschetti (who created the short film "Mama" has been expanded into) cleverly ramps up the peaks at Mama throughout the film. One horror pitfall is showing too much of the monster too soon, but since the final confrontation between Mama and Chastain requires full view of Mama, Muschetti never blows his entire mother load at once. "Mama" is slightly regressive in its domestication of Chastain's character but, at its core, "Mama" is more an exploration on the two extremes of a mother's love than it is an anti-feminist treatise.

As if you needed another bit of evidence that critics are worthless, a major complaint about this film is the "overuse of CGI on Mama." Well, Mama is almost entirely NOT CGI which makes it far scarier. Other than the wispy shadow hair and the auras surrounding her, Mama is the unbelievable work of human Slenderman Javier Motet, an actor with Marfan Syndrome that makes his limbs unnaturally long and flexible. Here he is in a motion test for the character: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE4MVdHJEFI

14. Evil Dead (2013)

Previous Position: NA

Dear reader (or paid film critic - sigh) who inevitably will say "I hated the 'Evil Dead' remake because it wasn't anywhere near as fun or slapsticky as the original!"

GET. FUCKED.

The original "The Evil Dead," from 1981, the movie that "Evil Dead" is remaking was revolutionary for its time because it was one of the bleakest, darkest, most violent films ever made (side note, dickhead: the remake is actually darkly hilarious a lot of the time). What works here is that the movie didn't try to recreate the feel or scares of the original, but attempted to carve out its own niche and earn a place right beside the original, which it did. It's recognizable as "Evil Dead" but stands on its own far better than "Army of Darkness" ever did.

The subtext here is painfully obvious but it adds some needed depth to the film - something the original got away with not having in '81 but doesn't fly today. The meat play their roles fine, but Jane Levy is an absolute trooper who steals the show as the first possessed. Those who think they know where the film is going because they've seen the original will find themselves looking stupid by the time the final act begins.

The movie also has a smart eye for color and composition thanks to director Fede Alvarez. The contrast of the barely lit cabin with the grungy yellow woods and, finally, the stunning crimsons of the finale pulls the film away from the realm of underground midnight horror to where "The Evil Dead" always deserved to be - front and center. A special mention needs to go to the use of practical effects in the film. After the pre-credit sequence there is almost no CGI in the entire film which makes a lot of the gross-out violence that much more squirm inducing.

13. Pathology (2008)

Previous Position: 12 (-1)

Let's consult the back of the box as to why this movie has a HARD R rating: "disturbing and perverse behavior throughout, including violence, gruesome images, strong sexual content, nudity, druge use and language." Sounds like an awesome Saturday night to me.

"Pathology" is far from the best written film on this list. Or the best directed. Or the best acted. Or has any semblance of subtext. But it is fun as all hell, and what else would you expect from the two crazies behind the "Crank" series. "Pathology" builds a fairly standard first act into an off the rails batshit crazy thrill ride that piles twist upon twist until the absolutely awesome ending.

There are a few familiar faces, most notably Milo Ventimiglia and Alyssa Milano but relative unknown Michael Westin steals the movie as the mildly deranged resident who is equal parts legitimately frightening and hilarious. A handful of impressive practical effects during autopsy scenes provide the squirmy gore, the attractive leads, both male and female, provide the (living) body parts and everyone indulges in extreme alcohol and drug abuse - and for good reason, of all the films on the list it's far and away the best "beers and buddies" flick.

12. Let Me In/Let the Right One In (2008)

Previous Position: 7 (-5)

Both pick and choose which plot points and ideas it will pull from the original book and become two very polished sides of the same rare coin.

(For simplicity I will use the shorter title to refer to both unless other wise specified)

"Let Me In" remains the best vampire movie of the last two decades. It's a simple story that can be told without any horror elements: an outcast child meets another outcast child and a coming of age event bonds them eternally. There are so many scenes in the movie manage to be simultaneously haunting, gorgeously shot and incredibly sad. Despite the vampirism, all of the actions of the young characters and all of their pre-teen angsts (and even the subtle if impossible romance) feels honestly, genuinely real.

And in each film the child actors steal the show, with Chloe-Moritz Grace in "Let Me In" being the standout amongst the four (and part of the reason I prefer the Americanized version). The film is shot in grayscale, framing the harsh winter atmosphere and evoking a bleak, hopeless tone throughout.

11. Insidious/Insidious Chapter 2 (2011/2013)

Previous Position: 25 (+14)

What starts off as a haunted house movie becomes a haunted kid movie which becomes something else entirely, which is actually refreshingly original.

The addition of "Chapter 2" to the "Insidious" series makes this pair of movies impossible to ignore. Picking up directly after the original left off, it's more like a split movie ala "Kill Bill" or "Twilight" than it is a movie with its sequel. With what can only be described as a "haunted house-possession-time travel" movie, "Chapter 2" is a suitable follow up to the biggest horror movie surprise on the list. Believe me, no one expected the guy who did "Saw" to make a movie this good. While it doesn't completely abandon jump scares, the ones that exist in "Insidious" are terribly clever, and set the tone for the series as an atmospheric, but never too serious, homage to lighter spook house fare such as "Carnival of Souls" or "Poltergeist."

The movie does turn on a dime, however, and most of the complaints I've heard about the film are due to this. "Chapter 2" embraces the sharp turn and takes the extra effort to develop and enhance "The Further," the shadow world of the "Insidious" universe, which retroactively makes the first an even better horror movie. It also serves as an excellent bridge between James Wan's previous efforts and "The Conjuring," his retro haunted house follow up to "Insidious." Wan, along with Ti West, have proven themselves to be the two horror directors that are consistently churning out the best work at the moment. Nothing they do should be ignored.

Hall of Fame Entry: The Cornetto Trilogy: Shaun of the Dead (2004), Hot Fuzz (2007), The World's End (2013)

Speaking about this induction into the Millennial Horror Hall of Fame feels kind of like talking about an old friend. And it shouldn't be surprising to anyone who has seen the films - one theme of the trilogy is friendship over the years. They're also really clever social satires. Additional themes explored by Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and Edgar Wright, are acceptance of adult responsibilities and the dangers of conformity. In each of the films, the protagonists are offered a painless, easy way out - simply conform and be spared the angst and alienation that is often accompanied by individuality. With less capable writers or less lovable heroes, the Shauns or Nick Angels of the film might come off as pig-headed man-children. But there's just something about those guys that you can't help but root for. I don't know if it's Frost's teddy bear oafishness or Pegg's affable nerdiness, but these films wouldn't be possible without them or the clever, frenetic direction of Edgar Wright.

The films themselves are only loosely connected, again by theme, much in the same way as Polanski's Apartment trilogy. Each pays homage to genres that the trio loved growing up (Zombie/Rom-Com, Rural British Murder Mystery/Buddy Cop, Kung-Fu/Apocalypse). But the true tie that binds is heartEach of the films contains a tearful moment of bonding/goodbye with a close friend, and I couldn't help but feel the same way during the denouement of "World's End" when the green Cornetto wrapper fluttered by, a disposable relic of the old world. But really, the Cornettos are far from that. The first two have been accepted into the modern horror canon ("Shaun" almost immediately), and I imagine "World's End" will do the same.

As this is a horror list, I feel like I need to briefly mention the brilliant intertwining of horror and humor. What comes to mind foremost is the backyard scene in "Shaun" where the Mary zombie appears. The pair's confusion at what to do with an actual zombie is riotously funny, as is their deconstruction of Shaun's record collection, ("Purple Rain?" "No." "Batman Soundtrack?" "Toss it."). Later the film's shoutout to "Day of the Dead's" famous death scene starts out just as brutal before the victim literally falls apart, breaking the tension with the subtle punchlines the group would come to be known for. In "Hott Fuzz" the deaths are played very tongue in cheek - a violent double decapitation labeled as an accident, or a piece of cathedral splattering a head - before paying off with a former James Bond impaling his lower jaw on a diorama church steeple. In "World's End" almost all of the violence to humans is only alluded to as off-camera murder, but the repeated demolishing of the Blanks, bright blue blood and all, is strangely satisfying, especially when coming from some of the most cleverly choreographed and filmed fight scenes in years.

I yield the closing words in this induction to The Dissolve's Genevieve Kostas: "The Cornetto Trilogy is on some level concerned about what happens when our reverence for the past keeps us in a state of regression and suspended adolescence. That said, I’m already nostalgic for the Cornetto Trilogy, and it just ended."

10. Paranormal Activity (2007)

Previous Position: 5 (-5)

What the film has going for it most is the sense of crippling dread it builds. Early on, the film sets a simple rule: we're safe during the day but unmistakably, irrevocably fucked at night.

It really is a shame that Paranormal Activity became the default Halloween sequel franchise in the wake of "Saw." The first "Paranormal Activity" is a fantastic ghost story that uses the found footage storytelling in what was, at the time, a unique way. By taking the camera out of the hands of a camera operator the film becomes less of a point-of-view horror film and more voyeuristic, which lends to most of the themes the film explores. Unfortunately the film that most people know had the ending changed at the 11th hour. This ending with some hilarious CGI and a tacked on jump scare is the cinema version, while a vastly superior ending (which leaves no possibility for a sequel) is the default DVD version and makes the movie. If you haven't seen "Paranormal Activity" due to word of mouth about the sequels or because you assume you know how it goes (thanks every found footage quickly produced piece of garbage since), I'd suggest revisiting the film and attempting to see the found footage genre through a less affected lens.

9. [REC] (2007)

Previous Position: 8 (-1)

The film almost never cuts away from the visceral brutality but it doesn't celebrate it either.

Another early entry into the found footage genre, but this one holds up fantastically well. It's rare that a movie with a run time of nearly an hour and half can feel like it's only about twenty minutes long. Part of this is the incredible pacing of the film. After about fifteen minutes to introduce the characters and get used to the point-of-view perspective the film is off to the races and it does not let up. You would think that an hour of zombies rushing you in first person would get boring or feel cheap-like a halloween haunted hay ride-but instead it creates a frenetic, intense atmosphere from first blood until about ten minutes before the end of the movie, when it downshifts into downright horrifying. The slow-moving pitch black sequence in the apartment complex's attic has gone down as one of the most palpitation inducing finales in horror history, and cements [REC] as not only one of the best found footage films of all time, but one of the best in the zombie genre as well.

8. Black Swan (2010)

Previous Position: NA

Man, how good is Darren Aronofsky? I'm not sure there's a movie that simultaneously ensnared and repulsed me like "Requiem for a Dream." In "Black Swan," Aronofsky is a little more obvious about his desires in creating a horror film and does so with his artful crafting of dread and tension. Quite obviously a horror version of the classic ballet, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis weave into and out of each others lives (and identities?) as two ballerinas vying for the lead role in "Swan Lake." Aronofsky blends Hitchcockian identity horror with Polanski-esque mystery and even a side helping of body horror. There's very little subtlety in the film (save for a fantastically edited dance floor sequence), but the performances of Portman, Kunis and Barbara Hershey ramp the movie into a breakneck third act that never tips its entire hand until the last few moments. Somehow, "Swan" manages to be Aronofsky's most accessible and rewatchable entry into a filmography that ranges from bleak to bleaker.

7. The Innkeepers (2012)

Previous Position: NA

Ti West favors mood to morbidity, and though I grew up on the slasher film, I love a good ghost stroy. "The Innkeepers" is a great ghost story. Sara Paxton (formerly screaming her way through "Shark Night 3D [woof] and the "Last House on the Left" remake [barf]) is fantastic as Claire, one of two desk clerks at a soon-to-be-condemned hotel, creaking and crawling its way through its final nights. West goes back to a few of his haunts from "House of the Devil" - squeaking door hinges, empty(?) rooms, dark basements - but brings a different panache here than he did with the 80s throwback. The potentially haunted hotel is less sinister than, say, The Overlook, and Claire isn't trapped or isolated - at one point leaving to get coffee next door - which makes the scary moments that much more difficult to watch, and ties into the unique theme of the film. In the end, Claire never has to explore the creepy sounds and dark corners of the hotel; she isn't haunted or possessed or in any danger. At times, the movie asks if there is any haunting at all, but, truly, that doesn't matter. Whether the hotel of "The Innkeepers" is haunted or not, the movie insists that, in real life, ghosts ARE real. They're the memories of the past and the fears that we take with us, the stories that we re-tell and our minds give power to. West insists that in many ways, this can be more terrifying than any of a thousand masked killers or devil cults.

6. The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

Previous Position: NA

Sometimes a movie pays off. Despite the fact that "The Cabin in the Woods" ends by figuratively slapping the audience in the face, it has been a long time since a horror film rewards its viewers as opposed to punishing them. Stop me if you've heard this one before: five archetypical (though not necessarily stereotypical) college kids head off to a cabin in the woods blah blah blah blood, bodies. But, by some miracle, "Cabin" isn't even close to the movie that it's easy to assume it is. Quickly it's revealed (this isn't really a spoiler, fear not) that the entire situation is some sort of experiment being performed by two snarky suits (played wonderfully by character actors Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins). The movie has all the subtlety of a wrecking ball with its thesis: horror is redundant and self-cannibalizing and something in the genre needs to change. In many ways the criticism is toothless - co-writers Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon do little, if anything, to suggest what should be done (other than "starting over...giving someone else a chance"), but for a horror fan it's hard not to agree. It's even harder to ignore the film's charm, in large part from Fran Kranz's stoner hero Marty. The horror reference well explodes open in the final ten minutes in one of the most satisfying climaxes I've seen in a horror movie. Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights includes a "Cabin" attraction this year and I couldn't imagine a more fitting movie. "Cabin" on its own is a horror movie thrill ride that can keep its audience smiling and screaming all the way through.

5. The Conjuring 2013

Previous Position: NA

James Wan's "The Conjuring" is the first and only horror film to ever receive an R rating on scariness alone. For a film with no swearing, no nudity and minimal blood, this is some sort of incredible triumph. Is "The Conjuring" the scariest film ever made? Probably not. Is it really, really fucking scary. Absolutely. "The Conjuring" is the best 70s haunted house movie never made in the same way that Ti West re-invented the 80s lone babysitter haunt with "House of the Devil." Impressive performances bring the movie to a next level - unsurprising when your cast is comprised of Lili Taylor, Vera Farmiga and the always solid Patrick Wilson. On paper, the movie really doesn't do anything new. There's ghosts and ghost hunters, bloody history, dark basements, monsters under beds, ghosts in closets and basement exorcisms. It's hard to believe the guy who did "Saw" pulls it off with such patience and subtlety (side note: between Insidious and this, I think it's about time we forgive Wan for "Saw"), but the builds are slow and the payoffs are huge with each scare being unique enough that it feels brand new.

However, there's one aspect of the film that hurts it on a whole. The film is "based" on the "true" "story" of "ghost" "hunters" Ed and Lorraine Warren - aka mother fucking con artists. The film really puts them on a pedestal - in one scene they turn down money from a family, revealing the spooky noises in their house had common causes. To the logical skeptics it may seem outright offensive, but if you can separate the art from the fart, there is a fantastic horror movie to be seen.

4. Noroi: The Curse 

Previous Position: 1 (-3)

Scary isn't really the right word. Several of the things that happen near the end of the movie are just wrong.

After a series of seemingly unrelated paranormal events occur throughout Japan, a documentary filmmaker begins putting the pieces together. What follows is the events of "Noroi," presented as an actual documentary, which already gets rid of one of the many problems inherent in the modern found footage craze (just who is the diegetic editor of Paranormal Activity 3 or any of those cheap D2DVD knock offs?). Large parts of "The Curse" feel rough and unfinished which actually lends to the dirty, documentarian feel the film shoots for, cobbling together parts from the diegetic filmmaker's unfinished film, reality TV shows and interviews. At other times, plot lines appear to be brought up only to disappear. However, every piece of the puzzle, as it turns out, is delicately placed by director Koji Shiraishi to be not-so-neatly tied up in the end. The scares range from "chills up your spine" to "NOPE NOPE NOPE" scary despite some shaky CGI effects. To be honest, watching this film in low definition actually lends quite a bit to the feel that Shiraishi was likely going for - fortunately, the only way to watch the film in America is on streaming video sites. While this and his follow-up "Occult" represent the peaks of a bell curve in Shiraishi's career, the man understands horror and they ways information can be delivered.

"Noroi" and one more movie to come on this list show that found footage is not a tapped out genre. There is still horror to be found in them thar hills, but what many filmmakers are missing is that it's not so simple as turning everything green and grey and having shit fly at the Camera Operator. Presentation in these films is everything. "Blair Witch," "Noroi" and "Lake Mungo" all do something special with the footage that has been found in these film universes. The post-"Paranormal Activity" films simply imitate reality as oppose to crafting it. Why are the C.O.s filming everything when they should just drop the camera and run the fuck away? Who is editing this stuff? Where was the footage found? A film can't present itself as existing in our universe while ignoring these questions, and the prime directive of the FF genre is making the audience believe there is no fourth wall. "Blair Witch" was the first film to truly do that, but "Noroi," along with the criminally underrated "Lake Mungo," have done it the best.

Hall of Fame Entry: The Ring (2001)

The best horror movie of the last fifteen years. Maybe longer. It's a horror movie that has made its way into all of our collective memories - whether actual memories of the film ("I found her in the closet...") or memories of seeing the film in a crowded theater or at a rainy sleepover. Gore Verbinski's 2001 remake of 1998's J-horror "Ringu" not only brought something new to the table, but outshined the original by a wide margin. There's no denying the impact this film has had on the horror genre as a whole (the J-horror remake early 00s) or fans of horror.

So where should we start? Perhaps with "Ringu" itself. I saw this movie sometime in 2000 after endless raving from the internet. But after finally seeing it, I was left with the feeling, not that I was missing something, but that something was missing from "Ringu." Maybe it was a sense of cohesion? The movie didn't have a linear narrative, plotted similarly to a David Lynch movie, but for whatever reason, it didn't work. I love Lynch, I love J-horror, but the ring left me disappointed, which is why it took the urging of friends to go see the American remake.

The first thing one notices about the remake is how wet it is. The movie makes you feel like you've been trudging through the rain without a raincoat all day as cars splash puddles on you (and maybe the sad Charlie Brown or Incredible Hulk music is playing). It obviously ties into the films water imagery, and changing the setting to Seattle is a pretty clever masterstroke, but its that dirty, grungy mood and tone that was never present in the original, leaving a movie about a VHS tape unnaturally clean. And credit to the cinematography and DP - the movie is continually tinted blue, adding to the grime and moisture. It's a technique that a lot of films after that didn't understand. So many horror films were suddenly blue because, well, blue = scary? Obvious headslappers like that are what basically separate direct to DVD garbage from actual horror cinema made by competent filmmakers.

Let's take a moment to acknowledge the acting. Naomi Watts plays strong yet vulnerable and all the aspects of motherly - caring, nurturing and willing to fight for her child. Her primal scream upon the realization that Aiden has watched the cursed tape is so real. David Dorffman does all we can ask of a child actor and manages to avoid being annoying and is even, at times, scary on his own.

And then there's all the scenes we've come to know. Much like our parents remember moments with simple, descriptive names like, "Her head turning," and "Puking up the pea soup," we remember "The Closet," "The tape," "The horse," and "The girl in the TV." Each one is more haunting than the last (and try telling me the girl in the closet isn't one of the best jump scares in history - making it known early on that anything can and will happen at any time) and the imagery remains with you even a decade down the line. The grainy VHS tape itself is a short work of art with abstract haunting images that act as pieces of the larger puzzle (another successful addition to the remake).

And finally, the ending. So many ghost stories fall back on "freeing the spirit of the dead," finding the corpse of the wrongfully deceased and allowing he/she to rest in peace. And The Ring seems to end this way as well with Rachel solving the mystery of Samara and finding her body in the isolated well where she spent seven days attempting to claw her way out. And when she finally tells Aiden that he's safe, Samara is free his face turns ghastly pale, eyes wide. "Why would you do that?" he asks as a trickle of blood falls from his nose and, across town, a television flickers on to static. And then an age old question is asked of the audience - would you kill to save somebody you love? "Who are we going to show it to?" Aiden asks. But Rachel is silent as the movie snaps to black and the audience is left to stew in what they'd just experienced.

For the 25, 30 year olds of 2013, this is our "Exorcist," our "Shining." The movie we'll tell our children about and then laugh when they scream from downstairs at a middle school sleep over. It did for televisions what "Jaws" did for the ocean. That's some impressive company, isn't it? The three horror movies mentioned are some of the greatest of all time. I don't think it's wrong to say "The Ring" belongs in the upper echelon of horror, stretching back far farther than just a decade.

3. Excision (2012)

Previous Position: NA

This fucking movie. Part "Carrie," part "Dead Ringers" with the budding womanhood subtext of "Ginger Snaps" or "Teeth" - "Excision" is the most deeply unsettling film on this list. The movie's strongest feature is its honesty. Most movies will hint at the fact that something is wrong in this film's world but never put all its cards on the table until the very end. "Excision" has no problem telling you from the get go that there is something terribly wrong with Pauline (played with a phenomenal blend of tragedy and whatthefuck-ness by Annalynne McCord). We get a few hints at what could be the problem - mostly centered around a rocky home life. Pauline's mother (Tracy Lords) is a bubbly perfectionist who fancies her daughters debutantes. Instead she has the clearly mentally disturbed Pauline, who fancies herself a future surgeon, and another daughter crippled by cystic fibrosis. Instead of seeking actual psychiatric help, Pauline is sent to a priest (a fitting John Waters cameo) to pray way the crazy. It's clear from Pauline's actions and dreams that continuing to let her deep-seeded issues fester will end terribly. And the movie just lets it happen, to the horror of the viewer. Even though you have an idea by the end of the first act how the movie is going to end, there's nothing to do but watch and hope that writer/director Richard Bates won't go through with it. And when he finally does, the brevity and pointedness of the act stays under your skin long after the credits roll.

2. The Descent (2005)

Previous Position: 4 (+2)

The Descent snowballs to a great resolution, and a denouement that works no matter which cut of the film you see.

The XX to "The Thing's" XY, Neil Marshall's "The Descent" is a triumph of horror filmmaking. The film centers on six women on a caving expedition, each grieving in their own ways for the loss of one of the women's husband and child a year earlier. The setup of friends reuniting down the road after a trauma isn't new, done perhaps most famously in Stephen King's "It," but "The Descent" doesn't dwell on the past; and much like the women trapped in the cave, must keep moving forward to succeed. There is where the movie's biggest strength lies, in its constant evolution - what seems to start as a claustrophobic disaster flick (and a wildly successful one at that), becomes a fight for survival as the secrets of the cave (and the friends) begin to reveal themselves. The less said about the plot the better, but the key fact is that this movie holds up surprisingly well. I thought after not seeing in for a few years that it wouldn't have the same impact as it did when I first saw it in the theater, but quite the opposite. Marshall's disorienting camerawork and the naturalistic lighting create a dire atmosphere for both the viewer and the characters. The scares and gore fit the plot instead of the genre's expectations, and the film wields a power as it descends into a literal blood bath in the third act that is what happens when the themes of "Lord of the Flies" get mashed up with the climax of "Aliens."

1. Lake Mungo (2009)

Previous Position: 2 (+1)

"Lake Mungo" is extended foreplay - you might think some of that build up is unneccessary, but the more you get into it, the better the climax is. And this climax is incredible.

In case you couldn't tell, I like a good ghost story. I also am enthralled by a well-crafted Found Footage film. "Lake Mungo" is an Aussie flash of brilliance that is the best of both. "Mungo" also manages to be one of the most mature horror films ever made, taking pride in its patience and reservation. At no point will a cat pop out of a closet, a monster appear in a bathroom mirror or a slasher sever someone's head. Instead, "Mungo" takes the format of a "Dateline Mysteries" type show documenting the story behind the death of Alice Palmer (fans of "Twin Peaks" will realize the name is probably not a coincidence). The acting on the part of the friends and family in interviews is kept in check, lending to the movie's credibility as something that could be real.

While a fantastic ghost story, first and foremost "Lake Mungo" is about how we deal with loss. Each of the characters grieve in their own ways and their handling of the situations that arise, both natural and supernatural, drive the movie to its blood-curdling climax. In many ways it would make a great double feature with "The Innkeepers" in its treatment of ghosts and how they can interact with the living. I wish I could write more about why the film works on an emotional level, but so much of the film relies on the way it gets its hooks into the viewer and never lets go. Every time I've watched the film with other people, the room is deathly silent from ten minutes in until the ending. It's a hypnotizing horror movie that grounds itself well enough in reality that it's easy to forget that you're watching fiction, however, as you lay awake in your bed that night, you'll be doing your best to remind yourself of the fact.

Episode 09 - Aeon Flux

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Fri, 13 Sep 2013 00:37:00 +0000

Episode 09 - Aeon Flux

Starring: Charlize Theron, Johnny Lee Miller, Frances McDormand

Crimes: Being completely baffling, attempting to out-anime an anime, hilarious costuming, the main character being a walking Deus ex Machina, the main character hitting Resident Evil levels of untouchable "badassery," Francis McDormand's hair.

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Episode 08 - LOL

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Sat, 31 Aug 2013 21:16:00 +0000

Episode 08 - LOL

Starring: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore, Thomas Jane, Fischer Stevens, Gina Gershon, Ashley Greene

Crimes: Having a Hank Hill pancake ass, twerking on Beetlejuice, Tank Girl hair...wait what? Who? What movie? I didn't even know Miley Cyrus existed before this week.

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Episode 07 - Sudden Death

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Fri, 12 Jul 2013 19:42:00 +0000

Episode 07 - Sudden Death

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Powers Boothe

Crimes: NONE YOU IDIOT. Once lame June ends then the true holiday month can begin - JUNE-CLAUDE VAN DAMME. Okay I guess if there's one crime it's being a bit too Die Hard-y but is that so bad? (No.)

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Episode 06 - The Golden Child

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 02:23:00 +0000

Episode 06 - The Golden Child

Starring: Eddie Murphy, Charles Dance, Victor Wong, James Hong, Charlotte Lewis, J.L. Reate

Crimes: Eddie Murphy doing lazy Beverly Hills Cop, abysmal headwear, more racism, oatmeal as a plot device, Dragon rape, sullying the good voice of Dr. Claw, the weirdest claymation scene you will probably ever see in a film.

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Episode 05 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 03:51:00 +0000

Episode 05 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle

Starring: Helen Mirren, Katie Holmes, Jeffrey Tambor, Barry Watson, Michael McKean, Marisa Coughlin.

Crimes: Poor understanding of how schools work, poorer understanding of how scholarships work, magically appearing crossbows, the irony of incorrectly using irony, criminal misuse of actors and actresses way too good to be appearing in this shit, an unholy reference to "The Exorcist," the worst PG-13 editing in history.

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Episode 04 - Vibrations

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Thu, 30 May 2013 02:26:00 +0000

Episode 04 - Vibrations

Starring: Christina Applegate, Paige Turco, Scott Cohen, James Marshall.

Crimes: TJ's hair, taking a ridiculous premise extremely serious, random redneck attacks, improper handling of construction equipment, improper handling of welding equipment, improper handling of music equipment, "Anamika," Simeon's clothing, handwaving (heh) the sudden disappearance and presumed death of your son/boyfriend.

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Halfisode 04 - Rock Beats Everything

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Tue, 21 May 2013 05:53:00 +0000

Halfisode 04 - Rock Beats Everything

The gang talks about wrestlers making the transition to movies. Are they awesome like The Rock? Or are they, well, everyone else?

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Episode 03 - Bounty Hunters

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 14:51:00 +0000

Episode 03 - Bounty Hunters

Starring: Trish Stratus, Boomer Philips, Frank Zupancic

Crimes: Virulent sexism; offensive to Asians, Italians, people who like good things; an overload of fan-service, upskirts, downshirts, catfights, main characters who are massive hypocrites, uninteresting actions scenes, allowing a man named Boomer to improv, allowing a pro wrestler to use wrestling moves in fights, the phrase "Rub and Tug," being the most Canadian movie since "Canadian Bacon."

IMDB Score: 3.5/10

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Halfisode 03 - MPDG

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 02:19:00 +0000

Halfisode 03 - MPDG

This week: Spinning off of our "Elizabethtown" episode, we get a little weird with the concept of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Film criticism and philosophy make a surprise cameo.

Song of the Week: Allo Darlin' - Woody Allen

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Episode 02 - Elizabethtown

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 18:41:00 +0000

Episode 02 - Elizabethtown

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Jessica Biel, Judy Greer, Paula Deen

Crimes: Overdosing on "Manic Pixie Dream Girl," trying to make Orlando Bloom a leading man, making us feel embarrassed for Susan Sarandon, crimes against accents, romance based on creepy stalkerness, 'Aw shucks Southern hospitality, making Paula Deen the most tolerable person in a group, "I guess this is all mostly about a shoe?"

Netflix Average Rating: 3.2

IMDB Score: 6.3/10

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Halfisode 02 - Vampires

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Sat, 30 Mar 2013 18:50:00 +0000

Halfisode 02 - Twilight, Vamps and Skeeves

This week: We sip the Twilight Haterade, talk our favorite and least favorite vampire films and vampire actors.

Song of the Week: Alkaline Trio - Draculina

Episode 01 - Dracula 3000

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 23:28:00 +0000

Episode 01 - Dracula 3000

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Coolio, Tiny Lister

Crimes: Taking a horror film to space, filming in approximately three rooms, inexplicable racial undertones, even more inexplicable sexual overtones, bloated Draculas, no concept of three-act structure, CGI imported from 1997, terribly misleading box art.

Netflix Average Rating: 2.2

IMDB Score: 2/10

Halfisode 01 - Video Game Movies

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 23:55:00 +0000

Halfisode 01 - Video Game Movies

This week: An interview with a real, live fan of the Resident Evil films, and The Martyrs discuss video game movies: the good, the bad and the Boll.

Episode 00 - Double Dragon

netflixmartyrs@gmail.com (The Netflix Martyrs) — Thu, 14 Mar 2013 23:43:00 +0000

Episode 00 - Double Dragon

Starring: Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Scott Wolf, Mark Dascascos

Crimes: Being a video game film, hammy overacting from the T-1000, Scott Wolf, shamelessly cribbing from The Warriors, mashing up post-apocalyptic settings, Andy Dick cameo.

Netflix Average Rating: 3.3

IMDB Score: 3.4/10