The Neutral Zone Trap

Friday Cat Blogging

2009-11-06T08:00:00.000-06:00

I think Tess is trying to smeyes.

Um, oops

2009-11-05T20:16:00.001-06:00

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you left a large red tupperware in your oven for no apparent reason? And then one day decided to make cookies and preheated that oven? And then realized, when you opened the oven, that that tupperware had melted?

Anyway, this is what it would look like. Actually, there was a lot more. These were just the giant pieces.

To add insult to injury, I ended up burning the cookies anyway. Grr!

Yep, I voted

2009-11-03T17:22:00.004-06:00

No promises of free coffee, donuts, or Chick-fil-A but I still did my civic duty and voted.

I can't believe I actually had to ask for a sticker. They should be slapping them on you as you walk in! Geez, that's 70% of the reasons I vote: stickers!

Not quite dead yet

2009-11-02T17:45:00.007-06:00

But I've developed a strange fascination with fake eyelashes. I guess it's something to do while I'm jobless, and it's relatively cheap. Could be worse hobbies, I suppose. I can't decide if it's too fabulous for a daily thing. It's not like I'm wearing these:

or these:
or even these:
Are (natural-ish) fake eyelashes suitable for public use?

Friday Cat Blogging: window shopping

2009-10-30T10:56:00.004-05:00

Right before this picture, the cats were watching a stray orange tabby walking across the street.

I'm blegging you!

2009-10-18T20:22:00.002-05:00

Ok, other than for comments, I never put out a blog beg (the dreaded, pathetic "bleg"). But this is important.

See's Candy is already sold out of the pumpkin spice lollipops! Arghhh!!! And it says "while supplies last," and if they're already sold out, I guess that means for the season. I can't wait a year for them to be reissued!!!!! This is the second year in a row that I've missed them. I don't even know if I would like them, but I think I would. Now it's just all about getting them.

So what I'm trying to say is this: if you see them and buy them, I will totally love you and pay you back. Because guess what - sending cash through the mail isn't illegal!!!

Although, if I don't score any, I suppose I can console myself with this review that said they don't really taste like pumpkin spice. But still, I'd like to determine that for myself.

Friday Cat Blogging: casual Friday

2009-10-16T09:08:00.001-05:00

This is a rather unflattering view of Tess. That drumstick looks huge. Oh well - she takes after her mother.

What's the frequency, Kenneth?

2009-10-16T08:53:00.004-05:00

Have you ever seen or heard yourself in the courtroom? There was one court that had cameras and two big-screen tvs that showed what was going on live. So I got to see myself in action, which was kind of weird. I got very self-conscious but it was more like, Do I look fat when I turn this direction? and not Do I sound really stupid right now?

Today is the first time I've ever heard myself after the fact and...wow. I think that I should win this issue on the law (which I actually did in the court below) but after listening to both sides' arguments, I sound very unconfident and mousy. In fact, I was asked to speak louder, which I tried to, but I have no idea if it was loud enough for the judge. Of course, the opposition was a really big guy, like big tall and kind of big the other way. He had a big beard. He was a manly-man. I was like a baby mouse - the runt of the litter. Eek! Yes, like, I just sounded squeaky. Thank god the name "Squeaky" has already been taken by Squeaky Fromme.

I wonder if there's some kind of surgery to alter my vocal chords or like, testosterone cream on them or something. I mean, I've heard myself like on answering machines but never for 20 minutes solid.

I'm so embarrassed. I'm kind of glad I don't have a job so I have to face anyone and think, Wow, can they even hear what I'm saying because it's at such a high pitch?

I get no respect. Well, sometimes.

2009-10-12T21:54:00.002-05:00

So, here I am, mostly unemployed. I see an ad for a temporary legal researcher and I respond. Within minutes, the phone rings.

Hello?

Hi. Um...Can I speak to E. McPan?

This is E.

Really?

Uh-huh.

You just sent me your resume?

Yes.

Oh. Okay. Well, uh, I'm looking at your resume, and I hate to tell you this, but you're overqualified.

And I'm underemployed right now, so I'm a bargain and a half.

The potential employer thought that was pretty funny. I'm a little disappointed that s/he thought I was like, E. McPan's kid daughter answering the phone. I don't sound that little, do I?
------
And now for the other end of the age spectrum --

I was in the law library, digging through the books, when a student approached me.

Hi. Uh, I'm looking for the [reads off a sheet of notes] paperback supplement to update, uh, umm...

I hand him the book. Here it is.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. To update, check here first [show him the pocket part], then here [show the cumulative supplement] and then see if there is a later supplement dated from the cumulative supplement to today.

Wow. Thanks.

Hey. What made you think I would know?

You're a professor, right?

Sweet.

Unemployment: it's a gas

2009-10-06T20:06:00.003-05:00

Unemployment is a lot more exciting than I thought it would be. I went to put gas in my car (although it's not like I had to drive to work anymore so I'm not really sure why I was doing it) and I put the nozzle in, locked the little gas switch so it would fill without me having to stand there and hold it, and leaned against the trunk of my car. After a while, I thought, Wow, it's a good thing I got gas. This is like, the longest fill-up ever. You can probably guess what happened next, this being a McPan story: the auto shut-off had not auto shut-off.

!

I managed to reach the nozzle and replace it without getting my feet wet, which was a feat since I was wearing flip-flops and there was a large and rapidly-growing puddle of gas. I went inside to report it. I felt kind of dumb, but the gas station people were very nice about it. I was worried the car might, like, spontaneously combust when I started it, so I asked if I could drive away.

Attendant: Like, now?

Me: Um, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to drive away and burst into flames, am I? Should I wait?

Attendant: You'd be the first.

Me: To drive away or to burst into flames?

Attendant: The first to burst into flames while driving away.

Me: So...it's okay or not okay?

Attendant: Oh, it's okay, just don't, like, go light up a cigarette or whatever.

Just to be extra safe, I didn't light a cigarette, leave my engine running, rummage in my car while the gas was pumping, use my cell phone, or fill a plastic container while it was sitting in a truck bed. As you can see, I survived.

Somewhat relatedly - I had a friend in high school who had a gas station credit card her parents gave her. She always went to the full-service and they would fill it up for her. Well, she always went full-service until her parents got the first bill and they had no idea why it was ridiculuosly high.

Maybe I should move someplace that still does full-service (other than New Jersey, I mean).

Have you seen The Informant!?

2009-10-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

I did, and it's quite amusing. The Informant!, a movie starring Matt Damon, is fun, not only because he has a silly mustache but also because it has punctuation in the title. ! So I get to use double punctuation when I write about it. Sweet.

Have you ever noticed that there aren't many movies with punctuation in the title? IMDB doesn't show a question mark for What's Eating Gilbert Grape, although I suppose it could be, like, a declarative sentence. Like, "Here's what's eating Gilbert Grape." O Brother, Where Art Thou? has a question mark.

Argh! I was doing some research (yes, I sometimes research my posts. This is quality blogging, you know) on this and discovered that someone already wrote a whole dang article on this very thing. Rats!

Oh well, I already wrote this.

Yay, Google Voice!

2009-10-05T20:17:00.002-05:00

I give my students my office number to call me if they have questions since most of the time, if it's during the day, they'll be in the library, and the question will usually have something to do with finding something in the library. But when I got the boot, I didn't have a phone number anymore. I had signed up for Google Voice a while back and had thought I would surely have a number by the time I was unemployed, but that didn't happen. Then, on Saturday morning, I had my Google Voice invite! Whee! So this new number will be my "work" number and if I go into business for myself, I won't have to change numbers like 600 times. Of course, I'm assuming it works; no one's called me on it yet. Then again, I don't think I've given it out yet.

Friday Cat Blogging: Breakfast

2009-10-02T09:27:00.003-05:00

Poor Misha. Every time he wants something, Tess wants it too, whether or not she really wants it. Now she's crowding him out of his food, even though there's a bowl for each.

I need to send Tess to some kind of cat etiquette school or something.

All good things must come to an end

2009-10-01T19:15:00.009-05:00

As of this morning, I am unemployed. Well, technically, I still have teaching, but an entire year's worth of that can't even pay half a year's mortgage. I'm trying not to be bitter about it, but so far it's not working.

I know people are just trying to be helpful or nice when they say things, but mostly I just get irritated. For example: "Have you been looking?" Gee, if only I had thought about looking before. No wonder I hadn't gotten a job. YES, I've been looking. I've been looking for months. I applied for a job that's three hours away. One way. I haven't even gotten a single pity interview. So I don't think it's a lack of trying.

There's also: "If only [my office] was hiring." Thanks, except perhaps you forgot that I applied for three different jobs in your office, two of them within the last couple of months, when you already knew I was going to lose my job.

Maybe the most upsetting is the, "Something better will come along." This assumes that I didn't like my job. I'm not one of those people who went to law school because I had nothing better to do or began practicing and realized that I really didn't want to do law after all. I loved my job. I felt passionate about it every day of the week. I enjoyed going to work every morning and stayed late pretty much every day but it rarely felt like work. I was very lucky in that I got a job doing exactly what I love. "Something better" would be my old job with a raise, but that's not going to happen.

A first-year deferral will be filling my position. He's going to make more money than I ever did, even working two jobs, and at less than his full salary(!), all paid for by his firm. And after this year, he'll leave and never come back. Meanwhile, I dedicated my career to public service and never wanted to leave for private practice, even though there were opportunities, yet I got the ax.

So yeah. Right now I'm a little bitter.

-------------
Step 2: ???

Step 3: Profit!

Yes we can put toothpaste in a can!

2009-09-23T22:03:00.004-05:00

I'm beginning to think anything can be improved by putting it in a can. Cheese in a can, whipped cream in a can, whoop-ass in a can, etc.

I bought this toothpaste that comes in a can, like shaving cream. It's not all foamy like Barbasol. It's more like a gel shaving cream. It does really foam up in your mouth, which is fun if you like that sort of thing. I do, so it makes brushing fun. Finally, a reason to partake in personal hygiene.

It's a good thing I don't brush my teeth in the shower because I'd probably be using toothpaste to shave my legs and shaving cream to brush my teeth. That's the downside to putting products into shapes that something else already uses. Like when you put face wash in your hair instead of shampoo or something. Actually, I only know one person who brushes in the shower and she was really weird. I guess they did market research and decided that the risk was low.

Friday Cat Blogging

2009-09-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

Misha's trying to enjoy a nice catnip knot and Tess had to ruin it all. She doesn't even want to play with the knot; she just doesn't want Misha to have anything fun.

I'll sleep when I'm dead

2009-09-13T17:05:00.002-05:00

The other day I almost got t-boned by a truck that sped through a red light well after the light had turned red. I was mad (of course) and got even madder when I saw him blow through a second red light. Crazy! Then the truck turned into a funeral home parking lot. Geez. I think they'll still be dead when you get there; there wasn't any reason to almost kill some other people on the way to the funeral. Maybe that person just likes to be really efficient.

Friday Cat Blogging: lounging

2009-09-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

This post combines two of my favorite things - mustaches and flipbooks

2009-09-10T21:42:00.005-05:00

I used to draw flipbooks on those little post-its (the ones that are practically too small to write on) and leave them behind whenever I left a job. I never did anything as awesome as this guy but I could like, make a stick figure run or my name get spelled out and like, flash at the end like it was in lights. But yeah - amateur hour. h/t: Neatorama

as seen at fashionablygeek.com

Guh-lee

2009-09-09T22:09:00.003-05:00

(or in normal people-speak, "Glee")

I caught Glee on accident tonight. I remembered seeing the end of a commercial for it a few days ago and being intrigued (probably because I missed the first half of the commercial). I also managed to miss the first 10 minutes of the show tonight, but I think I got the gist of it in the remaining 50 minutes. It's not that complicated.

It was actually quite funny. A sort of Strangers With Candy (which I might happen to own on DVD - that's not weird, is it?) kind of comedy except not as weird because Amy Sedaris isn't playing a 40-something year old freshman in high school. I would recommend it, especially if you're avoiding preparing for class.

A rolling stone gathers no moss

2009-09-08T19:34:00.003-05:00

Or, in my case, is missing pages.

I bought Rolling Stone because it had an article about Stephen Colbert and promised to give me 50 reasons to watch tv (as if I needed that many). I was a couple of pages into the Colbert article (Reason #1) when...it skipped to Reason #25!!! ?!?!?! At first I thought it might be some kind of joke, but no. It was for real. I got to read the conclusion of the article at the back, but I have no idea what went on in the middle pages. I suppose I could take it back to the bookstore but it's not really worth the trouble. This sucks!

Ice, ice baby

2009-09-01T20:54:00.003-05:00

Really, fountain drinks come out at 39°? Interesting. I can't agree with the "no ice" proponents unless I'm only having a very small amount of soda and plan to drink it rather quickly. I can nurse a drink like it's the last Diet Dr. Pepper in the world.

From Home, this is Lelaine Versailles

2009-09-01T20:47:00.002-05:00

Hah!

The Faces of NPR

Score: 75% (9 out of 12)

Wow. I'm a huge nerd.

My NPR name courtesy of Liana (since it required a foreign city and all I've visited are big cities, Versailles it is)

Prepositions matter

2009-08-31T09:10:00.000-05:00

Theft from a person is not the same as theft of a person. I believe that's called kidnapping in this jurisdiction.

I'm gonna miss this job.

Stay thirsty, my friends

2009-08-30T18:19:00.005-05:00

I've come up with the answer to my impending unemployment - opening a beer barn. There's one a few blocks away here, and it's staffed by scantily-clad young women who sit on barstools next to the curb and wave. It's actually a pretty interesting beer barn because they do mixed drinks (they have a sort of shrink-wrapping machine that seals up the drinks so you're not in violation of open container laws) as well. But the appeal is limited to people who want to gawk at girls in bikinis.

So I'm going to open a male-staffed beer barn to compete. I'm not sure that women will be attracted to a beer barn simply for the sake of spending money to gawk at dudes, so I'm going to open it across the street from the gay bars (which also happen to be a few blocks away and about 1 block away from the aforementioned beer barn). Hey - location, location, location.

Now I just need the name for my beer barn. I'm partial to Studs & Suds but someone might mistake it for a male washeteria or something. I'll give a free beer to whoever comes up with the winning name (provided this business actually opens, which is not likely).