The New Elegant Black Woman

Updates: I Don't Want to Get Married Anymore

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 06 Mar 2020 22:45:00 +0000

Hey Ladies,

I haven't written here in ages. I still love femininity and believe most of what I previously wrote on this blog. But in the past few years my view of men and marriage has dramatically changed. I have to admit, part of the reason for this change was actually the Me Too movement.

What happened you ask? Well all of a sudden high profile men, some who I thought were "nice", turned out to be horrible brutes. So many women were victims. I started to reflect on how men have treated me, including men in my own family. In the past, maybe I blamed myself for certain things but really, many men hurt me and treated me like I was simply there to serve their needs and desires and they didn't care about me. I have written about these things in the before, but Me Too finally woke me up to some hard realizations and things I had been denying.

1) I had been basing my self-worth on whether or not a man chose me and loved me. I started to question my unconscious beliefs. It was like somehow, I couldn't be that bad if some man loved me. But who is he to decide my worth? How could my worth and value be based on whether some man wanted to sleep with me or we got along? What was so great about him that made his opinion and feelings so important? If a mean, mentally ill, cheating, unattractive, or boring woman had a man then why did that mean she had more worth than me? I really never questioned these things before.

It's really shocking when you decide to stop dating and realize that so many daily choices were related to what men would think or want (e.g., shave your legs, wear your hair down, don't get big muscles, don't have a lot of sex partners, don't get too busy, etc). Many negative thoughts I had about my looks boiled down to "a man wouldn't like that". Women have been raised from birth to think about what their future partner would want, but men are never told, "Improve your looks, learn auto mechanics, excel at martial arts or else no woman would want you." No, they just do what they like. I want to be free to be who I want and not care if men approve.
2) Men cheat and abuse, even the "nice ones". It seems like a lot of men (not all) just want a woman as a sex doll and maid. Some ugly pos like Harvey Weinstein has a successful business, a beautiful wife, and the whole time he's raping and ruining women's lives! How dare they do this to us! As soon as he was caught his wife left him. I don't know if she knew anything, but was the money, his personality, or whatever worth it to be with the likes of him??? Are men worth it? This is all my personal opinion, but all I see are potential drawbacks of being married and I think the positives are all short-lived or fairy-tales from romantic comedies. Look at Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, James Franco, I mean just look at this list from Vox of offenders! Many of these are married men who were respected and trusted! We let men dictate what's attractive and let the freaking patriarchy tell us from birth that our purpose is to be acceptable to men like this and I'm done with that! I know these are celebrities, but imagine what the non-famous men are doing. All I have to do is remember what they have done to me already. That fairy-tale of men being faithful was shattered because now we know, even the "nice" ones could be cheating or abusing others.
3) Men expect you to be a maid. Study after study has shown that men don't pull their weight with household chores, so my life would be easier and cleaner without one messing up my home and expecting me to clean up after him. If I work just as much as a man, why should I be doing more housework. I cringe wherever I hear a man ask a women if she can cook. You don't even know if you like each other and you're already imaging her serving you food? When I think of marriage I just imagine more housework and arguments about housework.
4) I have never needed men for protection. In all my years, I've never needed a man to protect me from physical danger. Why put up with being a maid and doing other disgusting physical things for a man for the slim chance that maybe one day his presence will stop an attacker. Is it really worth it? Plus, if a woman is ever assaulted or murdered, it is most often their romantic partner? So you are actually safer if you are not in a relationship with a man!
5) Even great relationships can end in horrible divorces. I plan on having kids alone. I will love my kids forever, but romantic love can fade. What if a divorce happens and the man tries to take my kids? I have also heard too many stories of men turning horrible and abusive to their exes and not pulling their weight with kids after divorce. I have enough income to support myself and a kid, and my income will increase in the future. Why ruin a good thing with the stress and physical risk of trying to have a relationship with a man? Why not just have my kids through a sperm bank or adoption and cut the man out of the equation?
6) There's not much that a man can give me that a good friend can't. If I want to go out and have fun I can do that with a friend, I don't have to sleep with him. I don't need to sleep with men at all because they don't even give me orgasms, and even if they did, it still doesn't seem worth it. I could see marriage being great if the man is like your best friend and you actually enjoy each other all the time. But I'm an introvert and I don't enjoy anyone all the time. If I don't have a lot in common with the guy and he likes to do things I don't, it will get tedious pretty fast because we won't be doing much together (e.g., I don't like to travel or play or watch sports, and I don't like hip hop so this rules out a lot of men). I can only imagine being with a man who had the same interests as me, but even then there are still the issues I have already listed above. It really seems impossible that I will find a man who isn't abusive in any way, does his share of household chores, gets along with me like a best friend, and that things won't end with him cheating and a divorce. Plus, I have to be attracted to him and he has to earn enough to support a family (I have a career to support a family too). I just don't think it's possible for me and I don't want to risk what I have for the possibility.
7) I feel 10 times better since I giving up finding a man. I think this means something. No more online dating, rude sexual questions, men trying to trick me into bed, going across town to meet someone in the cold, spending hours getting ready, worrying about ticking clocks etc. It all stopped. I am free to do whatever I want! I can work on hobbies and learn things that I value. I don't have to make myself available when it suits a man. I don't have to deal with them wanting to sleep with me before they decide if they are even looking for a relationship. No more! Everyone is different and this is the best choice for me right now. No one has to get married if they can support themselves and feel happier without a man. I don't believe my reason for existing is to satisfy some man and be his servant. It's not the life for me.

So ladies, I don't know what the future will hold. Maybe I'll meet the right man and change my mind, but if not, I'll definitely be okay. I know I have worth and I like myself, and I really don't care what any man has to say on the matter! Good luck ladies, I wish you all the best and that all of your dreams come true!

xoxoxo,
Luv

Elegance

Image by TréVoy Kelly from Pixabay

Wash and Go's for Gorgeous Natural Hair

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 23:40:00 +0000

If you have natural, un-relaxed hair, then wash and go's are a way to have gorgeous, defined, movable hair that you (and everyone else) will love to look at! It has been my go to styling method for at least 3 years. Prior learning about wash and go's, I would do braid outs without gel, I would have to re-braid my hair every night, and by the end of each day I had very little curl definition. But with my current wash and go routine I don't have to braid my hair and I can go A FULL WEEK with defined coils!

The routine can be time consuming on my Sunday wash day, but for the rest of the week I barely have to do anything with my hair. With wash and go's your hair will actually move, blow in the wind, and hang down. My hair is most defined the next day, but as the week goes on it gets bigger and fluffier and I absolutely love it! I also tend to use inexpensive products and I have never been happier with my hair!

I decided to write this because I found a new gel that works so much better for my wash and go's, my hair looks fantastic, and it is so soft. I have no desire for straight hair at all. Natural hair is gorgeous!

My Wash and Go Routine:

Co-wash (I usually conditioner wash) or shampoo hair: I wash one half of my head at a time while the other half is in a bun tied with an elastic. This stops my hair from getting too tangled and shrinking, After I wash one half, I put that hair in a bun and do the other half. I usually co-wash with Tresemme moisture and shampoo with Head and Shoulders 2in1.
Condition hair: I condition my hair for 3-5 minutes in the shower while my hair is in 2 buns. I don't deep condition outside of the shower (who has time for that?). I use Queen Helene Cholesterol for my conditioner because it's cheap and it works!
Detangle: In my room I get ready for the detangling process that usually takes 1 hour. I know some people detangle in the shower, but my hair is so tightly coiled it is just impossible to do that and I would run out of hot water for sure. My detangling routine:

Divide hair into a medium sized section. Spray with mixture of water, vegetable glycerine, and apple cider vinegar (the apple cider vinegar preserves the mixture so that it lasts for weeks and it also conditions the hair.
Coat the hair with Tresemme conditioner.
Use Tangle Teezer for thick curly hair to detangle section. This one is better than the regular versions in my opinion because the bristles don't bend.
Important! Squish out as much of the conditioner as possible and squeeze section with a super absorbant microfiber towel. Most gels do not mix with conditioners or leave in conditioners so you will be left with horrible clumps in your hair if you do not remove the conditioner. The only conditioners I have found that mix with gel are Cholesterol conditioners and curl activator lotions like S-Curl.
Twist the section to get it out of the way and then move on to the next section.

Shingle hair: Untwist a section. Add a lot of Eco Styler Gel to the section and shingle the hair by smoothing down tiny sections of hair to define coils (see video below about how to add gel and shingle hair. Optional: add some extra virgin olive oil to hair before applying gel to each section. This has made my hair so soft and the gel does not dry as hard.). This takes about 45 minutes. Currently I am liking Eco Styler Krystal because it defines my curls all week, despite re-moisturizing, and I don't have to re-apply the gel at all! With the Eco Styler Argon Oil I had to reapply it mid week, and Eco Styler Olive Oil had too strong a hold. I will post a video reviewing each gel below because you may have to try samples before you find the right one. This brand is really inexpensive and I can usually get a big 5 pound bucket for $11 at beauty supply stores in Canada.
Dry hair: Place hair in loose ponytail and sit under a bonnet hair dryer for 40 minutes. I do the loose ponytail at the back, and then move it to the top half way through drying time. I do this because it helps my hair to dry all in the same direction rather than being scrunched and bent because of the cap.
Set hair: When hair is dry, place in a modified pineapple and wrap hair with a scarf. To do a modified pineapple I start putting my hair in a pineapple, but I don't pull all the hair through, so it ends up looking like a bun. My hair is too long for a pineapple, it's mid-back length. So I don't actually wash my hair and go out, I stretch my hair overnight. In the morning I just take down my hair, shake it out, pin up the side, and I'm ready to go. Each night I just re-moisturize my hair with the glycerine mix, add S-Curl activator, and place in the pineapple bun again. I have started applying a bit of apricot kernal oil after moisturizing and it makes my hair so soft!

Here are some useful videos:

How to wash and go

How to wash and go (my texture is like this I think)

Wash and go with pink eco styler
Wash and go on long hair: Video 1 type 4 hair, Video 2.
Wash and go on 4c hair: Video3 no gel, Video 4.

Review of the different Eco Styler gels: Video 1, Video 2,

Tangle Teezer review: Video 1, unlike in the video, the Tangle Teezer just detangles my hair, it doesn't give me any curl definition at all.

The Prep Pursuit

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 28 May 2017 18:38:00 +0000

Hey Ladies,

Well ad you may have noticed, I haven't had time to make posts on this blog. I'm just really busy lately with work and trying to enjoy myself. I have also been reading tons of politics but I don't want to write about those things on the blog.

But I do have something for you today that could keep you learning how to be an elegant Black woman for hours! Perhaps on this blog or on YouTube, someone suggested the channel The Prep Pursuit but I never got around to checking it out. Well some of the videos showed up on my feed and they look like something you would all like. Check out a few of her videos below :)

How to make a great 1st impression

How to flirt with a gentleman

My thrift shop secrets

I Don't Like Issa Rae's New Show

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 10:57:00 +0000

I wish it wasn't so, but I don't like Insecure, Issa Rae's new HBO show. The show has gotten a lot of positive attention so I don't think this post will matter much (I am not trying to sabotage). I watched two episodes and I was so disappointed! I don't usually watch comedies because I prefer hour-long shows especially sci-fi, legal, medical, or superhero shows. But I took a leap to watch Insecure because a long time ago, I watched maybe 2 seasons of Awkward Black Girl, and I didn't hate it (from what I remember). I was also happy to see a Black woman succeed and do a show starring Black women. I am a big fan of Shonda Rhimes' shows, I watch Becoming Mary Jane, and I seek out shows with diversity and Black women. I really wanted to like the show and support Issa Rae, but other than having Black women, there was nothing I liked about the show.

First of all, in the episodes I watched, all of the music was rap music! The rap music was full of vulgar lyrics, curse words, and the n-word so for someone who hates that type of music, this was a huge strike. There was no variety in music at all. Even when it was a woman "singing" it was rap music. Every Black person doesn't like rap music! It wasn't even something tame, it sounded hard as hell!

Second, all the characters swore so much! I have watched many HBO shows, but I don't know, is it normal to have so much swearing? The women called each other b**** repeatedly! All the Black people constantly referred to Black men and even the women with the n-word, and I HATE the n-word! Is this how people really talk? Of course they also kept saying f*** and s*** too. I am not a hypocrite so if I condemn rap music for this sort of language I have to use the same standard for this show. The language is filthy for no good reason. Do they swear like this on Girls? I watched Sex and the City (because it was on all the time) and they definitely did not swear this much.

Third, the show did nothing to make Black women look appealing at all! We complain so much about how we are represented in the media by non-Black people. This lead to calls for Black women to represent themselves. Well Issa Rae was given so much support for creating a televised show and this is how she chose to represent Black women! Issa Rae's character appears pretty androgynous, hard, she raps in a vulgar way, she curses, she was cold to her boyfriend, and she was texting another guy. Her behaviour and appearance would only be attractive (as a friend or romantic partner) to a select group who are used to that. Compared to Black women in the mainstream (e.g., Gray's Anatomy, Scandal, Sleepy Hollow, etc.) she was hard as nails! Very unfeminine, not classy, not sweet, not nice, and not a woman to admire. Her friend was only slightly better in terms of feminine appearance but her speech was as bad as Issa's. Just think about the MANY shows with single women and how they compare to the women on Insecure--it's obvious that other shows make single women look appealing and feminine (e.g., GIRLFRIENDS!!! Friends, Gilmore Girls, New Girl, Gossip Girl, 90210, etc.).

If I wanted the world to appreciate the qualities of Black women and see us as just as good as other women, Insecure is the last thing they should watch. Even on the Walking Dead the Black women characters are more desirable and admirable! If I don't support negative images of Black women then I can not support this show because it makes Black women look awful. I can barely relate to the characters, I would not want to be friends with them, and we would not get along (my friends and I don't call each other b****). I'm not even mad about showing the best friend as a stereotypical single Black woman because single women finding love is a part of many dramas. But the friend came off as so hostile and angry, not sympathetic. I did not love the women on Sex and the City, but they had some class. Being Mary Jane is so much better at representing a single Black woman who is also desirable.

Fourth, I just didn't find it that funny. I thought Awkward Black Girl was funny, but I didn't find much humor in this show. There were no "jokes". I also liked that Awkward Black Girl had more multiculturalism but this show is just focused on Black women with Black men. I don't know if this changes later on or if they have a non-Black friend, but I just have a preference for multicultural shows. This one has an Asian woman, but the best friend is envious of her so it's not the same. I don't know, maybe it gets better but I was so disappointed. This reminds me of when I tried to listen to rap music while ignoring the n-word, cursing, violence, and misogyny because of the beat...what's the point of consuming something for entertainment it if I dislike so many parts of it? I won't consume or promote something that makes Black women look bad just because it supports someone Black. I just can't get behind something that makes Black women look bad. When I think about how HARSH some bloggers have been about how Black women were portrayed on other shows (e.g., Sleepy Hollow, Scandal, Person of Interest) I just can't excuse this because it's by a Black woman. So for any readers who want to see a show with feminine and desirable Black women that make us look good, skip Insecure and try Being Mary Jane instead.

Embed from Getty Images

To be fair, I'll post some reviews below so you can make your own choice (take note of the race of the authors and think about the types of roles that the mainstream celebrates as being "real"):

Is Insecure Preying on Black Women’s Insecurities?
Insecure Is Quietly Revolutionary
Issa Rae's 'Insecure' Isn't Niche—It's Just Never Been Done Before
Issa Rae talks ‘Insecure,’ stereotypes, and ‘bitch’ as a term of endearment
10 Reasons Not to Watch HBO’s Insecure by Issa Rae
Insecure lets black women watch ourselves on TV – at last
‘TV is full of black women fighting’: Issa Rae on kicking stereotypes into touch with her HBO comedy ‘Insecure’

My Fears for Black Women Under Trump

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 Dec 2016 00:51:00 +0000

I have a lot a fears running through my head and maybe you do too. This post is just me getting those worries out. I know that I do not live in the US but I am concerned for Black women everywhere. I can't just cut off my concern because of geographical borders. Furthermore, the US has so much exposure and influence in the world that I will easily hear about anything affecting Black Americans, and I believe this influence has an effect on Black and non-Black people around the world.

I am a big science fiction fan and I always imagined the future being a place where people didn't care much about race because of increased integration, working, friend, and romantic relationships. Different cultures will not seem so "strange" and we will be able to understand and get along better. I was expecting and looking forward to this. Now for the first time I'm worried that things will not progress in this way but instead we will go backwards! I just didn't imagine that White people would fight so much against this and many of us were shocked by Brexit and this election. Below I will explain some of my worst fears. These things may not happen, but I want to write them down so at least we can be prepared rather than just being scared. Sometimes a bad situation is just a bad situation and there is nothing you can do. I will make some suggestions, they might not work 100%, but they could be better than nothing. The solutions may be extreme but it seems like these are extreme times.

Racism and hate crimes will increase with few repercussions: Racists have been emboldened by the US election and are being openly violent and racist. Hate groups are recruiting and even planning parades. White people seem to be fed up with being respectful and want the right to be racist. When they are called racist they are claiming that is discrimination against them! The new Attorney General has a racist history and is opposed to civil rights organizations. Because of this the legal system will probably go easy on perpetrators of hate crimes. We already know that the police are biased against Black folks so there will be little support from them. Also if you are discriminated against at work there will be little support for you.
Racism and racists will be normalized: There are even academics and highly influential people arguing for open dialogue about racist statements and that shutting these discussions down is being closed minded! I predict that there will be more and more claims of reverse racism, normalizing of racist views, and pressure on Black folks to "listen" and try to "understand" people who think they are less than human (e.g., A&E even tried to air a KKK reality show that was cancelled!). Many White people believe in White supremacy and will do anything to disavow any responsibility, past or present, for harming people of colour (POC). They will insist on their superiority but then play the victim when their racism is pointed out. Talk about microagressions will be dismissed and only the most overt acts of racism will be validated. Members of Black Lives Matter (BLM) will no longer be tolerated and protests will be quashed. BLM may be labeled a hate group and their mostly female members will suffer. BW will be seen as mean and unfeminine if they stand up to racist WW.
Affirmative action will be eliminated: White people hate affirmative action because they believe it gives opportunities to less qualified POC. They can not fathom that the POC is just as qualified or that there are ALWAYS more spaces for White people than for POC. White women are also the biggest beneficiaries of affirmative action so they are hurting themselves by opposing it (but as this election shows, they are willing to harm their own interests to support racism). Without affirmative action there will be fewer opportunities for Black people. If affirmative action is removed from higher education there will actually be an increase in Asian and international students because they have the highest grades and international students pay more. So White people will actually have fewer spots in schools unless the schools decide to be racist against Asian and international students.
Diversity initiatives will be quashed: Many Black folks ask for inclusion in the media and in consumer products. These requests could be ignored even more. With affirmative action out, there will be less pressure to include Black faces in anything. We will have less representation. Accusations about lack of diversity will be ignored. Also, because the conservative government hates social programs, many government funded programs for Black people will be cut and that support will be gone.
Sex education will be abstinence only: Conservative sex education will become the norm again and studies have shown that this actually leads to more teen pregnancies. The conservative government will also try to restrict abortion so there will be many more unwanted pregnancies resulting in more babies being placed in the foster care or adoption system. The government may also cut funding to these social programs when they will be needed more than ever. Single motherhood can often lead to poverty so there will be more poor families and mothers dropping out of school with less government support.
The prison industrial complex will grow: The police will be emboldened to arrest and harass more Black people because Trump supports that. That means more unarmed shootings, more arrests, and more prison time especially for Black men. All of the progress BLM has made may be undone, especially if police reforms required government funding. Private prison funding will be reinstated and they will be profitable again. More BM with criminal records will mean fewer job opportunities, resorting to crime, poverty, or living off women. This will also mean fewer suitable BM for marriage. These men will also be unable to provide for their children. Black women are more likely to be murdered than any other women (Article 1, Article 2). Men commit the most murders, women are most likely murdered by men they know, and BW know more BM. So the conclusion has been drawn that BM kill more of their women than non-Black men (this has been known for years). Poverty, a criminal background, bad role models, anger and frustration, and powerless can make men prone to this violence and BW are they most likely victims. Black women are also treated worse by the police and police are the only thing protecting BW from these violent men and dangerous neighborhoods.
Black women will have fewer dating options: Due to the previous point, more BM will have criminal records and be unsuitable partners. Also if more White men are converted into misogynist racists then many of them will not be options either. That leaves BW with even fewer potential mates. This may mean that BW have to open up their dating options even more. Lack of diversity initiatives and affirmative action will also impact dating. There will be fewer positive BW role models (e.g., Michelle Obama) to combat stereotypes or emulate in the media. White people may have even less exposure to Black people and this will not reduce fears. I don't know if increased racism will make BM appreciate BW more and actually stop chasing non-Black women. They may choose to continue what SOME do by having multiple women and children but never settling down. There will be even more pressure on BW to have sex in order to keep a man, more unwanted pregnancies, and more single mothers.
The Black mortality rate will increase: If social programs and Obamacare are eliminated then more Black people will die. Black people have worse health indicators than other groups and get worse care. If social programs and Obamacare are reduced then we will die more from diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and even infant mortality will increase.

My Advice: Keep your head down, avoid groups of White males, carry pepper spray, and be wary of White co-workers. You have to be on your best behaviour right now and I know that may not help 100% of the time, but I think this works most of the time. Don't make racial waves right now or they will be quick to ruin your life. Scapegoating will run rampant so protect yourself, document offenses and your contributions, keep your resume updated, and network for opportunities. Do your best work and decent people will recognize that above race. You can no longer assume that people you come across are not racist or that they agree with you about what's right or wrong. Many White people see themselves as victims because their "superiority" is not being rewarded and they think they "deserve" more than you do. Focus on fostering your self-care, physical, and mental health.

Try to create allies if you can because being the lone BW against the White majority will have you at a disadvantage. Vet White allies very well because they can back-stab easily. Convincing people not to be racist can make you appear as the villain if you cause White girl tears. Plus somehow calling people racists may make them more racist! (Article 2). Let other people be the warriors right now. Let the White feminists fight for women's rights (they dropped the ball for Hillary so they need to make up for it) and let Black men fight for racism. Protect yourself because no one else will do it. You need to be sympathetic to people and appear like a victim if you are victimized so people will feel compelled to help you. You be the one who cries and looks vulnerable so people will see your humanity. The strong warrior BLM stance will not work anymore. I don't know if anything will work other than duck and cover right now. Remember you will no longer have a president you supports you, many of his advisers are White supremacists, and the police support Trump.

Broaden your dating pool and really put an effort into meeting a partner. You will have to work harder than other women. I know that sounds unfair but if you want what you want, sometimes you have to really work for it. So that means many dates (but hold out on sex until you get a commitment), online dating, singles events, and opening yourself up to interracial relationships. The truth is, Hillary won the popular vote by almost 3 million, so that that means that there are non-Black men who did not chose racism and misogyny. Dating White, Hispanic, or Asian come with the risk of racism, but dating Black is not risk free. A financially secure non-Black man may be the best for you. Just get to know the men to make sure they are not racist or dating you as an experiment.

that's all I can think of for now.

Related Articles:

Surviving Trump: Black Women Strengthen Coalitions, Practice Revolutionary Self-Care

How Black Americans will survive the Donald Trump presidential administration

If Trump Wins: What Black Americans Will Need to Focus on in a President Trump America

17 Black Women Share Their Strategies On How To Survive A Trump Presidency

Strapped: Do Black Women Need Guns To Survive Trump’s America?

How to survive now that Donald Trump is president

My Thoughts on the Election of Trump

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Nov 2016 09:06:00 +0000

I didn't write anything about the US election for many reasons. For one, during the week after the election I was feeling so down and I was in shock. I could not believe what was happening. I read so many things and the more I read the more scared I felt. I would feel okay for a while and then suddenly feel fear because I remembered something horrible he said or promised he would do! This is like a nightmare come true and I just can't believe it! I also didn't want to comment because I'm Canadian and sometimes I don't want to get into these things. I had so many things that I wanted to write and I didn't think I had the time or the drive to write it all. So I waited a while to collect my thoughts and figure out what to say.

I have to be honest. After seeing the exit poll results and who voted for whom...I'm actually feeling wary of White people. In previous posts I was feeling fine, and not really thinking much about racism at all! I knew things were not perfect but I thought that things were going in the right direction. But the majority of White people in the US voted for Trump, including White women! White women didn't even pick someone in their own image and chose someone who has no respect for women and actually assaulted some of them!? Black women voted for Hillary in droves, she wasn't even Black, but they knew she was better than Trump! You can see the exit poll results HERE. White voters were from all income brackets, not just those suffering or without jobs or something. Non-White people voted for Hillary even if they didn't like her.

Embed from Getty Images

You can not in your right mind trust and especially date one of these people. This sight is so scary to me because they could be anybody. I was never into the frat boy type and these guys are a nightmare! Packs of men just like this are terrorizing POC right now! I just see Nazis in this photo, I can't shake it. Where does this hatred come from?

I hear people going on about the hypocrisy of stereotyping all Trump voters as racists and misogynists because we don't like all Black folks or women to be stereotyped. But this is different! After hearing about Trump's plans to herd up Muslims and Latinos, endorsements from white supremacists, offering nothing to Black people, all the sexual assaults and misogyny, lack of experience, and all the other nonsense he was spewing--you still chose to elect this man??? If you voted for him then you are either racist, misogynist, highly unintelligent, or extremely selfish! You cared more about taxes or jobs than for the safety of fellow citizens! His whole campaign was about dividing everyone by race and you went along with it! The whole world is in shock and every international headline I saw was shocked and disappointed in this election (except India for some reason).

This brings me back to my point about feeling wary about White people. Some of you may have felt this way before the election anyway. I don't really feel this way about people I know, but in small, mostly-White areas of Canada maybe they could be like Trumpers. I mean the UK surprised everyone with Brexit too. White people today are more racist than I thought. All the hate crimes that have been committed after the election are horrifying! Is this really 2016? Hate crimes have happened in Canada too. Read a list of hate crimes HERE if you want to be sad.

Why is it that when a Black or Muslim person commits a crime then the media and everyone starts questioning their communities, upbringing, what their elders teach, who they associate with, their religion, music, their history, and even genetics? Why are these questions not asked when a White person commits a crime, especially all those mass shootings and hate crimes? What is it about the White community, White mothers, White males, and White religions that condone these things? What is it about White culture that convinces them that they are better and more human than everyone else, their needs must to be taken care of before everyone else's, and their lives are more important than everyone else's? What is it in their culture that makes so many so selfish and self-centered, unable to share, need to control and subjugate everyone, and never be satisfied with what they have? Is it schools, reading their history, S & M, videogames, sports, religions that show Jesus and God as White men, Santa Claus...what is it? White people have to be accountable for the Trumpers no matter who they voted for until they stop making Black folks accountable for everything any Black person does! They don't get to be "individuals" this time.

It's just so terrifying that these people were all around, maybe you wouldn't even be able to pick them out. In my opinion, if I were you, I wouldn't trust anyone who voted for that man. I don't care who they are or why they voted as they did. They can not be trusted because they are part of that culture I just alluded to that is based on white supremacy and the belief that their needs come before everyone else's, whether they realize they are racist or misogynist or not. You can't trust someone like that. I didn't say all White people, just the Trumpers. They made their choice and these are the consequences and I don't have to show compassion towards them. I choose to dismiss them and their toxicity.

I hope this was a wake up call to all the Black women who support Feminists. Feminism was created by White women for White women. They excluded Black women from feminism and were racist from the start, including Susan B. Anthony. They did not want any Black people to vote. White women are not your allies, they benefit from white supremacy because they are the daughters, sisters, and wives to the men in the so-called patriarchy. Let them fight their White men on their own while Black women fight our own battles. They don't do anything to help Black women or women of colour yet they expect all of us to fall in line in some sisterly solidarity! Black women fell in line for this election and they bailed! I can think of numerous times Black women have been attacked and White feminists were no where to be seen. It's because they want to see White women on top and don't want to share the pedestal with you! I remember hearing all those Black women bashers talk about White women being innocent victims during slavery because they were oppressed and helpless against the White man. Bull! They liked it because they didn't have to do the work, they benefited off the labor and wealth, and they were held up as better than dark skinned women. They were and are complicit in white supremacy! Feminism is not for you Black girl. Let them do all the feminist work, and if you benefit so be it, but you don't have to thank them for something they didn't want you to have in the first place.

This brings me to my final heavy thoughts about interracial dating. If I was living in the US I would feel very wary about dating White men, and darker skinned men would be a more attractive option for me. If I were you I would never date someone who is a Trump supporter. Just forget that lot because they are forever tainted. The thing that scares me to the core is that many men secretly adore Trump for his misogyny and racism but they kept their voting plans secret! I did not see the full extent of what was happening when I first discovered the Red Pill, PUA, and Men's rights movements years ago, but they have been secretly radicalizing White men into misogynist racists! On their forums they worship Trump as an alpha male because he is a rich White man with a model wife who is much younger and attractive than him. They like Eastern European women because they do not act like liberated American feminist women. They love that he only values women for their looks and gropes them without permission because that is what they endorse and want every man to do! He is their idol! Here are some articles discussing this: Article 1, Article 2, Article 3, Article 4.

These forums instructed members to lie to everyone about liking Trump to avoid suspicion and then vote for him! Read about the hidden agenda HERE (MUST READ). No one realized that these men were being radicalized. There are so many of these forums on the Internet that any angry, sexually frustrated, feminist-hating White male could have been exposed to their teachings. It's because of this that you have to be so careful right now! The next White guy you meet could secretly frequent one of these sites, using pick up artist techniques just to get you in bed and throw you away. They may act nice but do subtle things like negging (giving you ambiguous insults so that you feel insecure and then try to please them to make them like you, e.g., "I don't usually like Black girls but you are the exception", or "I like your hair, is it real?"). Read up about these movements if you dare because it seems like Trump was way more appealing to White men than we could have ever imagined. If you hate Trump then make sure you don't associate with men who like him or act like him. Here are some tips for defending yourself from PUAs. In the past I thought PUAs were just awkward guys who wanted some help so that they could socialize better with women. But that innocence has been radicalized. Remember Elliot Roger? He was part of this manosphere and some applauded his mass shooting.

In all due seriousness, I am scared for all of you in the US. I heard a horror story about a Black girl at the gas station being accosted by a group of White men. One had a gun and said he would have killed her had there not been so many people around! Please be aware of your surroundings and now be wary of groups of White men. I am serious, they are acting out like crazy and I don't want any of you hurt. Please be careful! Fortunately you can buy pepper spray on Amazon here for less than $10, just get one that is safe especially if there will be children who can find it. Apparently, since Trump was elected POC have been buying up guns. This is so unbelievably sad. 😟

Related Articles:
My Problem with The White Feminist Reaction to the Presidential Election
Young Women Around the Globe React to Trump's Shock Win
White Women Helped Elect Donald Trump
Why Did College-Educated White Women Vote for Trump?
White women voted for Trump in 2016 because they still believe white men are their saviors
The quiet racism behind the white female Trump voter

10 Lessons Every Elegant Black Woman Must Know: Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Nov 2016 20:42:00 +0000

This post is a list of 10 lessons that any Black woman can learn in order to become an Elegant Black Woman! Each lesson is comprised of past blog posts that address the subject of each lesson. If you want to learn ideas about how to become more feminine and elegant, just read the posts under each heading. I am working on updating the images and links in these posts so some may not be fully edited. As I write new posts I will also add them to this page. I will make this a stand-alone page on my blog that you can access from the blog header as well (HERE is the page). Happy reading :)

Introduction:

In this introduction you can see all of the conflicted feelings and thoughts I had about becoming an Elegant Black Woman (EBW). You may be experiencing the same conflicts and asking the same questions. I have thought a lot about this journey, why I was doing it, and whether it was a good idea or not. I have received a lot of praise that I appreciate, but also some criticism, and questioning. By looking at the amount of posts on making this change you can see that I have really thought about this and come up with arguments in support of my choice. At this point I am fine with my decision to be an EBW and reading these posts can help you to feel secure in you own decision. Many of these posts are controversial, they are based on opinions that can vary from person to person, and if you agree you may become angry so be warned! Just remember, we are all free to think and feel as we like and you are free to disagree too.

Why Become an Elegant Black Woman?
Is Trying to be Elegant Also Trying to be White?
The F-Word: Who Wants to be a Feminist?
The Feminist Police
The Feminist Law
Do People Really Know Why They Do Things?
Is Gender Socialization Wrong?
Life Choices and The Decision to Change
Are you really that great the way you are?
Becoming Kerry Gabrielle Michelle
The Great Self-Improvement Debate
Contradictions and Dangerous Messages
We Don't Live in Bubbles and Other People Influence Us
Social Comparisons are Torture for the Hopeless
Being a Fake vs. Being Your Best Self
Why do some Black Women Reject Self-Improvement?
Freeing Myself From African American Cultural Limitations
A Black Woman Who Will Not Pathologize Herself

Summary lessons:

These posts provide some quick advice about how to become more feminine and elegant and some basic definitions and instructions.

How Will I learn to Be an Elegant Black Woman?
Advice From Video Bloggers
How Can You Become an Elegant Black Woman?
What is Feminine?

1. How to dress

These posts describe ways that you can feminize your wardrobe without spending too much money. They provide many examples for feminine clothing and styles.

DIY and Inexpensive Ways to Feminize Your Wardrobe
Pin Up Girl Style for Black Women
Ways to Look Cute and Feminine
Why I Gave Up Wearing the Pants--Literally!
Showing too Much Cleavage
My Current Wardrobe
Dita von Tesse Burlesque Style
Clothing Men Prefer on Women
Thank Goodness for Lingerie!
What Kind of People Thrift Shop?

2. How to wear your makeup

Read these posts to learn how to wear your make-up in a natural and feminine way to enhance the feminine beauty you already have.

Cute Make-up and Hairstyles
Have Realistic Expectations for Yourself: Nobody is Perfect :)
We Can Look Just as Desirable as Anyone Else
My New Makeup Icon is Kelly Rowland
Is There a Black Standard of Beauty?

3. How to wear your hair

Should Black Women Wear Their Natural Hair?
Touching Black Women's Hair

4. How to smile

Smiling More Often Can Improve Your Life
The Risk of Smiling Too Much

5. How to speak

These posts are about how to speak in a feminine and respectful manner and also how to describe yourself to others so that you are respected and valued.

An Elegant Black Woman Speaks Well and Defies the Stereotypes
EBWs Must Change the Words they use to Define Themselves
Black Women Must Advertise Their Unique Feminine Features
Feminism, Egalitarianism, and Humanitarianism

6. How to sit, stand, and walk

Instantly Improve your Posture and Appearance

7. How to interact with others

These posts are about manners, how to speak in a positive manner, and how to relate to others in ways that will benefit you and minimize conflict.

Free Online Manners and Etiquette Tutorials!
New Etiquette and Instructional Videos
Assertiveness Training Will Save Black Women!!!
Are Controlling Black Men Responsible for the "Angry Black Woman" Stereotype?
An EBW does not "Keep it Real"
Victim Mentality may be Limiting Your Potential
Should Women Act Like Men to Get Ahead?
EBWs Need People Skills
Watch Out for First World Problems

8. How to spend your free time

Read these posts to learn about feminine hobbies and pass-times that will help you to feel more feminine and value traditionally feminine activities. These activities are actually useful.

Should an Elegant Black Woman be Able to Cook?
Learning the Art of Cooking
This EBW is Learning How to Sew
Feminine Dances I Want to Learn
Bellydance for Femininity, Weight Loss, and Fitness
Will Looking at Images of Fit Women Help Black Women to Lose Weight?

9. How to date

These posts are all about interacting with men, sex, dating, and getting married. These posts are probably controversial.

Letting a Man be a Man
Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men?
Many Black Women are Too Submissive
Does Your Man's Money Matter?
Alpha and Beta Males and Females
Some Black Women Are Labeling Themselves "Handicapped"
A Pro Man Woman
Why Do I Care So Much About Attracting a Man?
Are Women in Competition?
Auditioning for the Role of Wife or Girlfriend
Volume Dating Versus Serial Dating
The Irresponsibility of Women Who Support Promiscuity
I Think Promiscuous Men are Gross Too
My Sex Life is None of Your Business!!! Or is it?
What Do Men Look for in Girlfriends & Wives?
Hypergamy and Black Women Marrying Up

10. How to be be virtuous

These posts are about expressing positive and feminine virtues, character traits, and personality traits. These things are the hardest to change because they will involve changing behavioural habits that you have had for a long time. Making these changes may require self-help or even psychotherapy in some cases. Changing your character is controversial because many will see this as changing who you are, which is much more of a commitment and more work than just changing the way you look. Keep in mind though that these traits are all positive and are suggested to make you happy and help you to get along with others. If you read the introduction above you will feel better about making these changes. These changes are key to being the most feminine woman you can be.

What Ever Happened to Character Building?
Does Your Success Say Something About Your Character?
10 Essential Habits of Positive People
Empathy, Kindness, Hostility, and Being Strong
Should an Elegant Black Woman be a Pleaser or a Giver?
Giving Only Because of Love
Why Many Black Women are Succeeding
Becoming an Elegant Black Woman is Very Ambitious!
Be a Survivor not a Victim
Self-Help Articles for Black Women
Is all this Venting Helpful?
Being Quiet does not Equal Being Weak
Being Soft is Pretty Sweet :)
Respectability Politics
Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most

Fun lessons and cultural studies:

These posts are fun and interesting and helped me to see the positives in traditional feminine roles and how femininity is expressed in other cultures.

Lessons We Can Learn from Secretaries
Lessons We Can Learn From Beauty Queens
Lessons we can Learn from Cheerleaders
Tribute to Black Beauty Queens
The Elegance of Claire Huxtable
Retro Femininity: Motown Singing Groups
Tribute to EBW Thandie Newton
Lessons We Can Learn From The Stepford Wives (2004)
Remember when Being Feminine and Girly was a Black Thing?

Japanese Kawaii Girls are Experts on Cuteness!
Lesson in Extreme Ultra Femininity
Indian and Middle Eastern Women are Experts on Eyeliner!
Elegant African Women
Lessons We can Learn From Brazilian Women
Lessons We Can Learn From Geisha
Imagine if Black Women Wore Sarees!!!

P.S. Some of you may be asking for a summary with updates of each lesson...they are coming :)

P.P.S: You may be wondering why I haven't written about the US election. Well I would be writing for days if I did and it has just been getting me too upset and distracted from my work. The more I read the more scared I become. I hope that everything will be okay but know that I think this is awful and horrible. I just can't believe it!

Women’s Style Rules: 1950s Vs. Present

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 06 Nov 2016 10:34:00 +0000

This is so funny! Buzzfeed posted the video below in order to ridicule 1950's style rules, but I agree with most (not all) of what the video says! Maybe its because I'm in my 30's, but none of the styles the models wore were appealing to me at all. It is what it is, but I thought the tips were actually pretty good! The models are not wearing outfits that would be acceptable at many jobs and schools (of course universities are more liberal). The 1950's woman was over the top but I think she would definitely get respect (you should read the YouTube comments).

Miss Vintage 2014: Dress Like A Lady To Be Treated Like A Lady: In this video I love her cardigans! It may be too costume-like to wear so much 50's style at once but individual pieces are great. I prefer the cuts of 1950's and 60's clothes, they seemed to emphasize your good parts and minimize your flaws plus the material was so sturdy compared to the flimsy fabrics today. Also, unlike in the video, I like my skirts around knee length and I like the pinup model look with pencil skirts.

Vintage Style - Outfit Tips for Beginners (If you go overboard then you could be ridiculed...but it has never happened to me. I also don't bother with pantyhose but I wear tights or leggings in the winter. I like red nails but I don't like the way red lipstick looks on me.)

In future posts when I make fashion suggestions they will be based on a "vintage feminine" style that is classic and mixable with modern items. I focus on style instead of fashion because fashion is trendy and changes from season to season.

12 Things Every Elegant Black Woman Must Know

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 03 Nov 2016 18:55:00 +0000

In upcoming blog posts I am going to review the things that I have learned about being an Elegant Black Woman (EBW) and how you can become an EBW too. This is what this blog was originally all about--my journey towards achieving my goal of becoming a high-quality woman, despite my upbringing or lineage, so that I can attract good, successful men of any race (you can read, It's Time for The New Elegant Black Woman, my original post that explains why I started this blog). I have learned so much over the years and I have changed so much. I am treated better than I was in the past so I think that this endeavor has been a success!

The last step I have to achieve is settling down and starting a family but I am hopeful that this is just around the corner. Education and starting a career interfered with my romantic opportunities unfortunately so I was not able to "have it all" while trying to become an educated career woman (sigh). But now is the time for me to date and find someone to settle down with, who is grown up enough to want the same thing.

In reviewing my old blog posts I think that I can summarize what I have learned into 10 lessons that every BW must learn in order to become an EBW (I narrowed things down from 12):

How to dress
How to wear your makeup
How to wear your hair
How to smile
How to speak
How to sit, stand, and walk
How to interact with others
How to spend your free time
How to date
How to be virtuous

***UPDATE November 11, 2016. Visit this PAGE to view the l0 lessons.***

Some might complain and ask why are all of the appearance lessons listed first? I did this because when you are trying to make changes in your life, it is better to start with small easy steps. That way you can start with some early successes that can boost your spirit and give you the momentum you need to complete more difficult tasks. It is much easier to change the way you look than it is to change the way you feel and the virtues you embody. You could shop for a day or two and totally change the way you look. People are also likely to treat you differently based on your feminine appearance so you can benefit from the positive treatment right away. First impressions matter, and we all know as BW that we are often stereotyped based on first impressions, just because we are Black. Also, when a change is new, the reasons for some things may be complicated or difficult to understand. Changing your look to appear more stereotypically feminine, so that people assume you are feminine, is not complicated to understand.

On the other hand, people may not notice your personality or behaviour change right away so you could feel disappointed by that. Lessons 11 and 12 will take much more time to learn and practice. People are accustomed to women changing the way they look, but they are less used to women totally changing how they act, speak, and respond to things. It is in this area where many modern women will object, often due to feminism (let's be real, they would object to the other lessons as well). Also, unfortunately many people associate being well mannered, soft, and virtuous with being White and some may actually oppose these changes for BW. They will exclaim "just be yourself and do what's natural". The problem is that being ourselves and being natural has not been helping many of us, and while feminine behaviour is rarely questioned in other women, it is both expected and discouraged for BW at the same time! When we don't act feminine we are compared to non-Black women and told we are inferior, but when we act feminine we are accused of being self-hating and trying to be something we are not! My choice is to be feminine and ignore that haters because being feminine leads to better treatment by people who matter in my life.

Furthermore, what is natural? Most of us learn how to act by observing others starting with our parents, siblings, teachers, classmates, and eventually people in the media. A child will observe these people and will often act in the same way. But what if a Black girl's role models are all highly masculine acting, aggressive, angry, depressed, uneducated, or poorly mannered? Then that girl may act the same way! Due to this negative influence, many BW will have to re-learn how to be feminine and undo the unhelpful behaviours they learned in the past. Self-improvement and remedial learning is necessary for anyone who didn't get the best training when they were younger. There is nothing wrong with self-improvement and striving to improve your life because nobody is perfect!. By leaning these 12 lessons you will feel better about yourself and other people will feel better about you! Stay tuned :)

The Importance of Elegant Black Women Images

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 29 Oct 2016 03:06:00 +0000

After I removed the images from my blog I started searching royalty-free stock images of elegant Black women (EBWs). The search was hard! There are some free stock-photo sites, many of the images were not good, and most were of White women. This is because the sites are probably White owned, the photographers are mostly White, and the models are mostly White. It is what it is (sigh). Photographers and models should be paid for their work and I don't want to take advantage of them. But while looking for images I felt so left out and kept asking myself 'why aren't there more images for us'?

It is so important that Black women and girls can see images of themselves that defy racial stereotypes so that they feel free to break those stereotypes. It really is mind control! We are not all blessed with imagination, and many of us don't question why we act a certain way, or if we could be different. Sometimes just the suggestion of a different path can inspire a flurry of ideas and possibilities for someone. This is especially important for BW because, due to our history, we have been bombarded with pessimism, criticism, and legalized restrictions on what we could and could not do. Showing non-stereotypical possibilities opens minds and could lead BW and girls to defy the stereotypes. Just think back to your childhood. Do you remember ever thinking that you could not be successful, beautiful, cherished, adored, or admired because you rarely saw BW portrayed with these qualities? Only seeing White women with these traits has an impact.

So what can we do to change this? We have to seek out positive representations and support them, including support with our dollars. Selling, publishing, and buying now is easier than ever! We can produce images to show the world how we want to be represented. There are already creative people making Black dolls with Afrocentric features and natural hair, there are now many BW on TV and in movies too. I have seen some people self-publishing books and selling them, including children's books. These items can be advertised on blogs and by using social media. They can be sold using online marketplaces like Amazon, Etsy, and many others.

Well, in the process of finding images I came across some avatar makers! Some of them are actually girls games (like paper dolls) but you dress up your "doll" online and then download the images! It was quite fun and I must have made 20 images lol! Now this may seem childish, but think about all of the logos, product covers, clothing, commercials, and art that have graphic images of non-Black people on them. These were created by adult graphic designers who make a living designing these things. I'm no graphic designer, but I think I can make some simple things to decorate my blog or post for other's use. I plan to use these avatar makers when I do posts about feminine clothing as well as using Polyvore (Polyvore allows you to create fashion collages and you can post the widget on your blog. The items in the widget will show the price and brand and link to where you can purchase the product. As far as I know it's legal). Simple things like making your own decorations, book covers, wall decorations, etc. can help you to surround yourself with EBW images rather than images of other women. I'm going to find out about some of these options and share them with you as I go along. There is no reason why BW need to beg big companies to make these things for us when we can make or find them ourselves and sell to others. What we make will probably be more affordable and more to our liking anyway.

P.S. I also learned something fantastic that may be useful to bloggers. You can now use many of the images from Getty Images for free on your blog if you use their posting widget to give credit and link to their site! So I will be able to post images of EBWs all over this blog and it will be legal! Also to see a large collection of EBW images be sure to visit my Tumblr site because it's amazing!

Avatar Makers (pretty fun!): The first thing you should do with any of the games is check if they have brown skin and the hair options you want because many don't have brown skin tones.Take a look at the FAQ pages because it may be possible to use the image you create commercially if you give credit to the artist.

Doll Divine: My favorites are: Deluxe pin up maker, perfect dress, pin up maker, and fashion creator.
Rinmaru Games Dress Up Games: my favorites are 50s fashion dress up game, Fashion creator v2, Shougou manga avatar creator, Ancient Greek costume creator, and Indian traditional costume creator.
Avatarmaker.com
Doppelme

Stock Photos:

Getty Images
Public domain archive
Death to the stock photo
Free images.com
Pexels.com
Pixabay
Picjumbo
Morguefile
Stokpic.com
Gratisography
Jeshoots
Freestockphotos.biz
Clipartkid
Great African American stock images from Shutterstock (they aren't free)
123RF African American images (they aren't free but they are really good)

DIY Fashion Collages:

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Oct 2016 01:13:00 +0000

Hi Ladies! Here I am back again after almost a year of no blogging. I have decided to start up this blog again so that I can continue to document my Elegant Black Woman journey because it is not yet complete. So why even start this up again? Well with the US election coming up, soon Michelle Obama will no longer be in the public view. She has been a big role model for me on my EBW journey. There is also a lot of racial strife in the US right now and it makes me wonder what impact that will have on the perception of BW in general. Today we are being represented much more on television and wearing natural hair is no longer abnormal. So with all of these changes I wondered if my opinions have changed and if I have kept up with my EBW ideals.

I started this blog in 2011 when I was still in school, unemployed, and with limited funds. It's not as though I have tons of free time or cash now, but it's good to have a hobby to keep oneself occupied. To tell the truth, when I started thinking about this again I was so excited! I plan to revisit my old blog posts and do updates and make a bunch of tips that can be used to become an EBW. I would also like to try using new social media, graphic design, and monetization ideas I have been learning. This blog has just been sitting here for ages so maybe it can become a source of passive income for me. I'm being upfront and honest about this part and I think that BW could all benefit from using some of these ideas. I could even post the tips, videos, and articles I have been using and maybe it will inspire you too! This is a niche blog that only appeals to certain women, but a niche can be a good thing. Everyone has opinions so why not share mine on this blog? There is so much I have to do! I have to add images, update my links, open social media accounts, and check out whether there are any other Black femininity blogs around.

You may notice that most of my images have been removed because I don't want to risk infringing on copyrights and I may as well monetize the site since I put so much work into it! So I'm going to sign up for Adsense. I will also sign up to be an Amazon affiliate because that way I can post images of items I am talking about, including movie posters. I am in the process of collecting free clip art and I am looking around for inexpensive clip art and stock photos that I can use on the site. One thing I want to mention is that since I started looking for free photos and images it has become really clear that there are not many for Black women at all! Over the years I have gotten so many comments complaining that the women in the images I used were too light or that I should have more images. I should not have posted those images at all because they did not belong to me! I miss them because they were amazing and they are still on my Tumblr site though if you want to see them.

Well, that was my first post of 2016! Welcome or welcome back if anyone is out there watching!
P.S. I have also turned the comments back on. I had to turn them off because of annoying spammers.

My Opinion About Rachel Dolezal and Appropriation

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 04:21:00 +0000

Update #2: I'm so tempted to hide this post because some Black people are so mad about this and I'm not. I am so sick of people who call names and totally condemn a person just because they don't have the same opinion. I don't like to deal with such people because they are intolerant of different opinions, they think that there are concrete right and wrongs in controversial social issues, they catastrophize about one thing leading to something horrendous, and they act as if in hindsight they knew whatever would happen but everyone else was too stupid to see it. It's better to just live my life and try to be happy, find a husband, and have kids instead of bothering with this stuff. My opinion is like the opinions of the women in the video, this is just an odd thing it it not an indication that you are suddenly going to disappear because all the White women are going to turn Black. Chill. People are also mad at Melissa Harris-Perry of MSNBC because she was not mad at Dolezal either... I see things the way she does! You can watch a video about her views HERE. I like the last part of the video where she says Dolezal is like a Rorshach Test, you either see her as a hustler with bad intentions or you see her as someone who has a personal struggle with identity and doesn't see race the way everyone else does.

Well, the Interwebs are all aflutter about a professor and civil rights activist who was born to White parents but has been passing herself off as Black for 7 years. I think she has been working for the Black community for 20 years and went to Howard University. She teaches Africana Studies. You can read about her HERE or all over the internet. So what are my feelings about this?

1. I don't feel angry. Why? I just don't feel angered by what happened because it doesn't directly affect me and I don't feel the need to be angry for the people it directly affects. The people who didn't get a job because of her can be mad, or the people who feel she lied to them, but not me. Her parents can be mad that she denied her father but not me. She may be charged with fraud or something, but again, I'm not angry because this fraud isn't something I feel the need to get outraged about.
2. At first I felt flattered that she would actually want to pass as Black. She obviously did not think having dark skin was ugly (that tanning is not good for her though) and didn't find Black hair ugly either. I can't hate her for wanting to look like a Black woman.
3. As long as she taught her courses well and helped Black folks I don't care what race she is. The people who lost out jobs to her can be mad though. As far as I'm concerned, unless race was not a requirement for the jobs and only an assumption then she can apply for any job she wants.
4. She made a great effort to be Black so I'm not mad. I am flattered that she likes Black people so much.
5. She might be confused or have a self-esteem or identity problem, so again, I'm not mad if she needs mental health intervention.
6. Basically I don't understand the whole appropriation thing. People go on and on that a White person can't just take a part of Black culture without knowing the people or the history, but she does! She works and lives among Black folks and totally embraced their culture and history. No one else is going to do that. I don't understand why it's not okay for this woman to embrace Black culture when Black folks embrace White culture?

Many Black people speak a White language, consume their entertainment, wear their fashion, learn from their books, wear their hair straight, eat and cook their foods, do their dances (e.g., ballet), play their music (e.g., classical), etc. Why is that okay and not appropriation? Do Black folks have to learn and embrace White history and culture before doing those things? Yes, I admit those things are forced on people in school but any Black person as an adult can choose to have natural hair, try to always dress differently from White folks, and reject as much White culture as they want (Black folks can learn more Black history and culture if they want, people of other ethnicities do it. I did it for a period of time).

But why is this not called appropriating? Is it the case that, by definition, a Black person can never be accused of appropriating because due to the power differential, there is always the excuse that they are trying to accepted (and get advantages) so it is never seen as outrageous? Instead, some people feel sorry for the Black person and claim they are brainwashed, or they have low self-esteem, or they had to do it to survive? But, due to the power differential a White person is NEVER allowed to take on a part of Black culture? When is it not appropriating? I think in this case Rachel Dolezal has paid her dues enough to have this not be called appropriating. Or can we just admit that there is a double standard and that it is ALWAYS okay for Black people to try and fit in by embracing White culture and that it is ALWAYS appropriating when a White person embraces Black culture?

If we can just admit that people will always claim appropriation when a White person embraces Black culture then why are there all these dance classes teaching White folks Black dances? Why are they allowed at Black universities? Why are white rappers embraced? Why are Black folks selling artifacts to White folks vacationing in Africa or the Caribbean? Why are Black folks calling for White folks to listen to their stories and to value their culture but freak when they assimilate any of that culture? If you don't want to be assimilated then you have to keep your culture secret! But you aren't doing that, you are plastering your culture everywhere, selling it, and then getting pissed when people like it and want to be like you. I don't understand that! There are cultures that keep themselves secret, underground, and they keep outsiders out. I don't understand how Black folks can have their culture out in the open, selling it, and then complain about appropriation.

My feeling, keep your culture to yourself, sell it to outsiders if you want, and embrace other cultures if you want. In this information age people are going to find out about things, and unless it's against the law they are going to adopt whatever they fancy. Getting outraged all the time is just bad for your mental health because you will always feel like a victim. You are setting yourself up for misery if you keep asking to be accepted and then get outraged when you are. People will never truly accept Black women if they don't date and marry them, befriend them, hire them, and bring their form of beauty into the mainstream. The things Black folks do will never been seen as "normal and acceptable" unless the majority accepts it. In my opinion, the more the world accepts anything from Black folks (that doesn't make us look bad) the better. People may be worried that something may become a fad but why worry about that? Just keep keeping on before, during, and after the fad. If a bunch of White women start perming their hair and wearing braids that doesn't keep you being natural. But if you are of the mindset that 'if everyone is doing it then I don't want it because now it's not special' then you are choosing to reject the things you like because it became popular. To me, that isn't a good enough reason to get so outraged or for me to feel angry for you.

This whole thing reminds me of that whole debacle over that White woman who was wearing an Afro wig in New York. People trashed her for appropriation and she stopped writing her blog and wearing the wig. I don't get how so many people want to be accepted and rejected at the same time. This is my opinion and that's that. I don't care if you think it's ignorant, that's what I think and anything else would be a lie. The End.

P.S. I also have to add that I am sick and tired of the term "caping". If an issue comes up and someone has an opinion, I think it's really annoying that they are shamed because their opinion does not automatically bash White people, or Black men, or whatever or if the person is of the opinion that a certain group (e.g., BW) is overreacting or in the wrong. If it's your opinion it's your opinion. I am FIRMLY against the policing of thoughts, especially if you have no direct influence in the situation.

Enough with this generalizing that if you aren't foaming at the mouth because non-BW are wearing braids then that means you excuse everything negative White folks have done since the beginning of time. This is ONE incident. And for all of those high and mighty folks who act like we should be asking for blood because she lied on job applications...are you serious? People are getting murdered, raped, bankrupted, dying of diseases and worse things so I'm not going to bother becoming enraged, and saying "woe is me" because of this minor incident that only affects the people who actually know this woman. Take a minute to ask yourself if you are a negative person who mostly thinks the worse is going to happen and if you tend to blow the significance of things out of proportion. This is nothing, relax.

Update June 16, 2015: Well after reading a lot of forum posts and articles about this incident a lot of Black people are really MAD about this. I'm just not, so my reading didn't change how I feel. I feel something when I hear about people defrauding others of their life savings, identity theft (no she did not steal a particular person's identity, buy things, and ruin their credit), assaults, rape, things like that. This was just nothing for me. I mean my life isn't perfect and I am stressing about a couple of things right now, but Rachel Dolezal definitely isn't one of them. People are acting like something was 'taken' from them and that this is the beginning of their erasure from the planet or something.

I took a sneak peak at a BWE blog and this particular person has so much animosity for light skinned and biracial people she wants to prevent them from calling themselves Black (seriously, if you are light skinned, biracial, or not African American then you are not welcome on that Blog and the blog owner seems to think you are the enemy there to steal everything she is entitled to by the Gods or something). Well, one article I read called Sister Outside: Rachel Dolezal and the Ideology of Race made sense to me. I'm surprised that the Black people writing and commenting on this thing are so attached to the idea of race when it was socially constructed to facilitate slavery and to create a hierarchy of races where Black people are on the bottom. Why hang on tho those shackles? I mean, from what the conservatives are doing affirmative action will not be around for long so is much of this because people expect certain jobs or scholarships to be reserved for Black people and they feel personally wronged because one scholarship, and two positions were given to Rachel Dolezal? Really? Okay.

I think what some people are saying is that if a Black person was to pass then they would not be accepted as White...so? They're being a-holes. Are you just doing what you think White people would do if the situation was reversed? Anyways, this is just an isolated situation and people are catastrophizing by acting like it's a hidden epidemic stealing half of Black people's scholarships and jobs or something. I've grown tired to the outrage.

Are Black Women's Standards Too High?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 13 Mar 2015 20:18:00 +0000

UPDATE: I was going to write something really hateful about certain people right here but I deleted it seeing how vengeful people over there can be. I don't know the commentators there anymore and I think they are very disrespectful, spiteful, self-righteous, closed-minded, and hypocritical. That is not a safe space for Black women to speak, it is a place for sheep to follow in line and call names if you don't agree with them. I don't associate with people like that in real life. It's actually making me feel sick to my stomach because I'm actually disgusted with how the people commented. I think, after all this I've lost all compassion for anyone over there I don't know who those people are. There is no bone in my body who looks up to anyone over there anymore and trusts any advice they give. They are so not for me anymore safe place for Black women my ass! I really don't like people who can't think for themselves and just jump on the bandwagon, they are freaking scary. I can't support the site anymore if I don't feel safe there and I have lost all respect for the people who comment there. I feel disgusted.

This post is about a situation that has happened on the Beyond Black and White website. Apparently the site arranged for a YouTube Blogger to go on dates with 5 Black women and it was suggested that he film those dates. Well he posts videos about dating Black women (he is White) and compared to all of the hateful BW bashing videos on YouTube I was soooo glad to find them. I think that the videos are well done and I plan to watch the ones I have not seen yet.

Well apparently, the guy said he wanted to find a relationship but then changed his mind. In one of his videos he said he is also changing the direction of his channel so I guess there won't be any more interracial stuff or saying great things about BW :( Anyways, on BB&W they were seriously bashing this guy and calling him a fraud in this POST! I can understand that the women who went on dates with him could be upset but there was no reason for so much anger and name calling! It makes us look really bad and I hope that this is not the reason why he has changed the direction of the YouTube channel. This really bothers me for some reason. His channel was a good thing for BW and now people are unsubscribing because of the dating fiasco and they are writing mean comments. I think they should be thanking him for devoting all the time and effort and probably money to boost up BW. People had the nerve to complain that he went on some dates with light skinned BW because their features were not Black enough. People were actually telling him it was wrong for him to be attracted to those women and you only really like BW if you like dark skinned BW and reject light skinned BW. Your complains will not make him like you more they will probably make him like you less :(

It reminds me of how irritated I was when people were bashing Sleepy Hollow because they wanted Abbey and Ichabod to fall in love right away and they were upset that his wife came back into the picture. In both situations I feel the BW had unrealistic expectations for the relationships, they were expecting things to happen right away, and merely showcasing positive images of BW (and making them stars) was not good enough. They have no patience! SPOILER ALERT: If these women had patience and didn't start telling other BW not to watch they would have seen that Ichabod ends up killing his wife this season so she is gone! But nooo, because BW have not been treated well most of the time they expect mistreatment and they walk out feeling hurt before anything bad has even happened. Women who have never even seen anything on his channel are being told not to watch any of his videos and they are slandering him to his readers! So what if he changed his mind about the relationship? I have wanted a relationship for so long but I put off seeking one because I was moving, I was busy with school, I was busy with work, or even because it was too cold in the winter. So what? It just wasn't the right time. But to them that means he's s sociopath and a fraud. Whatever. This may be part of the reason why some people don't want to deal with you, it's easier to just focus on something or someone else who doesn't turn against them so easily.

It just seems a lot of the time that BW cannot be pleased even when they are given A GIFT for free, a gift that they have been asking for over and over! It also reminds me of some of the comments I have gotten on this blog. This blog was about my personal exploration but I made it public as A GIFT to other BW who had similar goals. It took so much time to do photo posts like THIS ONE. I had to search Google Images or Tumbler for images of BW looking a certain way and I spent (I am tempted to say wasted) many hours finding the images that demonstrated what I wanted. People have the nerve to come on here and complain that some of the women are light skinned or biracial!? If you want images of dark skinned women you are free and welcome to find them yourself and post them all over your blog or Tumbler. You will probably find it difficult because you will have to choose from what is available and time is a finite resource you may not be able to spend. You will have to wade through images of BW scowling, looking hard, mean, and masculine, and once you get past that (if you care) you fill have to find someone ATTRACTIVE in a good quality photo. Furthermore, just because you have issues with light skinned women doesn't mean I do and according to some people I am actually light skinned. I tried to show variety but I will only spend so much time looking for images and I have no problem displaying light skinned or biracial women. I am not on a mission to promote dark skin, I (was) only on a mission to promote straight BW period. I am tired of these purity standards that will only accept dark women showcased. I showed variety but you choose to ignore that and have a fit if you see light skin. If you can do better please do it yourself and stop asking people for a handout. I can understand that it won't be easy to make your own TV show but if you have time to complain to me then you have time to look for images of dark skinned BW.

I think the reason why this sort of thing irks me is because sometimes it seems like BW will not be pleased and they complain even when they get a good thing. I dare say there is some entitlement going on where you feel the TV producers, the YouTube guy, and even I owe you something and that we are "wrong" for not doing what you want. I'm tired of it. Enough with the victim mentality.

Here is my post from the BB&W site, I think I'm probably the only person in dissent about the issue:

I don't know why I am the voice of dissent on so many things that have to do with Black folks but it is what it is. Something about this reaction just sounds so extreme to me. Everyone has the right to their opinions but all the name calling and labeling seems excessive given that this account is totally one sided. I'm not taking anyone's side I'm just being empathetic and putting myself in the shoes of each party involved. These are my opinions.
1) None of us know this man's true intentions but if I was a dude and I found out a bunch of women were attracted to me I would not want to settle down if I didn't have to. Many men play the field way longer than women would like, that's just the way it is and in that regard this man is not abnormal, a sociopath, or a DBR and neither is every attractive male who doesn't want a monogamous relationship. It helps you to get through the day by thinking he's an awful guy then go ahead and do what is best for you. Just remember how much it hurts when you hear about BW being labelled and scrutinized for their choices and the names we are called when we don't give men what they want.
2) BW complain that they are not the focus of dating shows and that they are not being shown as romantic interests. This guy is doing just that and because of that he is now a sociopath? He's trying to be an entertainer, did you really expect him to fall for a woman right away and stop doing his work? Think about how many people are set up on dating shows who want a relationship...how many of those actually work out? BW are getting the attention they asked for but many of you have fairytale dreams and have unrealistic ideas about how relationships will develop (I'm no expert either) but I don't know why anyone would think a blind date would end up as a relationship. You want the attention but when things aren't perfect you don't want it. There was a post on this very site about Missy Harris wanting to be on The Bachelorette and people supported it and were disappointed when that didn't happen. Now some dude decided to give you what you want and you're pissed because he didn't want a commitment and wanted to date around more. Watch what you ask for because dudes might think twice about dating BW or encouraging it due to all of this vitriol. Please, EVERYONE, think about what the goal of this whole experiment what and Chris can tell us what he actual goal was. Was the goal to showcase interracial dates so the more dates the better or was the goal to actually fix us this man with a BW. If the goal was to showcase interracial dating then the goal was accomplished and this man should be thanked for doing it because I can't think or anyone else who is. If the goal was the second, ish happens, everyone you fix up is not going to fall in love, people change their minds, and things don't always work out.
3) Maybe he just wasn't into her. We all know great women who are single but just because we would date the girl does not mean that a specific guy would. He may very well want a relationship but he did not think he found the right girl. It happens, even to beautiful nice girls. Yo don't have to take it personally. Just because he is looking for a relationship doesn't mean he wants one with the girl you picked because he knows there is no shortage of great girls.
4) Think to yourself, is all this anger helpful to you or is it making things worse? Do you feel more open to interracial dating and more confident about your attractiveness or less? One guy did not want a relationship with one woman, no need to get so upset about that. It makes us look sort of bad. I could understand why the actual woman would feel upset, but I don't get why so many people in the comments section are. Maybe dude was a player and just wanted to get laid...it happens every day.
That's my opinion, everyone has one. Entertainment and exploitation goes hand in hand a lot of the time, for every beautiful woman there is a man who didn't want her, and just because he wasn't into her and wanted to get some does not make him the devil. If I was on the date I would be hurt and cry as I usually do though so I can understand her hurt. Fire away...

I also want to ask the women here who think he looked suspicious from the get go...how many White dudes have you dated or spoken to on a regular basis? The guy seemed fine to me, like someone I would get along with. Are you just suspicious of this guy or do you feel that way about most White dudes anyway? It might just be me but he didn't seen too weird to me, but I like guys who are humble anyway. I feel I guess disappointed that a good thing like this could be derailed because he didn't fall in love with one woman. How MANY times have we complained on our blogs about about the BM doing negative videos about us and this one guy has done so many videos saying great things about us and showing us as romantic interests. It's so refreshing and wonderful to me. Do you really want to destroy this? Does he not deserve any praise for not going around bashing us the way BM do? In fact, I found his videos a year ago after wading through all the hate videos. Please keep the greater goal in focus. This is what you want.

A Black Woman Who Will Not Pathologize Herself

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 01:12:00 +0000

This is a follow-up from my previous post, "Freeing Myself from African American Cultural Limitations". I think that growing up I was freer in many ways. Yes I had self-esteem problems (still do), but that was based on my real-life experience and how I was being treated. I was free to like what I liked, be attracted to who I wanted, made friends with people of similar interests, and I was myself. If there was anything wrong with me I could see there was a problem because I was not happy or getting what I wanted. This made sense! This is how want to always think.

Unfortunately, opening myself up to African American history and online culture was eye-opening, sometimes enjoyable, illuminating, but I'm not sure if it has made me a better person. Maybe it has made me wiser because now I now what I don't have to be and what it important. Today it feels like I am back the way I was before in high school, when I was free, so I have come full circle. Was my venture into AA culture worth it or would I have been better off not venturing into that arena? Understand though, that my venturing did not involve physically living in the US, this great impact was made by simply reading texts, reading blogs, and interacting with people online! What you read can really affect your thinking.

So I am asking myself if all the reading I did made me better or worse as a person. Was I better off before I ventured into the AA section of the library and started reading? Was I better off when I wasn't reading about controversial AA issues and activism? Online people would always say "know your history" but was I studying my history, or was it really someone else's history that I read because I could not find my own? Well I guess like any sort of experience or study this experience has changed me. I know about things I did not pay attention to before. Instead of thinking, 'I don't know anything about that' I can now think, 'I've heard about that' or 'I remember when something similar happened before'. So I guess I can value that lack of complete ignorance.

But this knowledge came with a negative side effect, It made me feel like a victim, like I had been wronged, life was going to be bad for me, I was disadvantaged, people hate me, people in my life are going to betray me because I'm Black, I'm unattractive, there is something wrong with me and I didn't know it, and I should always be angry. It's as though I was feeling okay and then found out I had a horrible disease I didn't realize I had:

I was told all the horrible symptoms I had never noticed and had never interfered with my life.
I was told this disease was the cause of all my life problems.
The disease was incurable.
I had to get it under control before I spread it to my future children.
This disease will destroy the Black race.
And guess what, the disease was given to me by White people through slavery, racism, and discrimination! So suddenly I had a horrible incurable disease, purposefully given to me by "The Man", that had a host of symptoms (that were supposedly already hurting me or would hurt me sooner or later).

Fortunately, there was a cure pedaled by many a charlatan (perhaps well meaning). They were so helpful in pointing out my symptoms and telling me then and there to take my medicine before it was too late! The cures was the following:

Being hypervigillant about everything The Man did and constantly see myself as a victim. This included complaining and being outraged about past horrific deeds (because they are having an impact on the present) and being outraged by everything overtly racist. In order to do this I had to constantly expose myself to the most horrible things in history and the news. Doing otherwise would mean I was being ignorant, ignoring my history, being a passive part of the problem, or not caring.
Suspecting racism and a slight everywhere. I had to be offended and angry when The Man did not include dark-skinned Black women in the media. I also had to be offended if those women were fat, unmarried, adulterous, not chosen by the lead character, or were flawed in any way. I had to be angry if Black women were not on runways for White designers, leading more White-owned companies, in more commercials for White-owned companies, leading more White produced written shows, leading more White produced and written movies, winning more White- created awards. I had to be angry they didn't include BW because that was racist. I had to be constantly angry Black people didn't own more or have more power.
I had to be offended if The Man did or said anything negative about Black men. It didn't matter the circumstances or what the Black men did because racism against Black men was racism against all Black people (solidarity right?). I had to be concerned about the Prison Industrial Complex and men (who often made neighborhoods dangerous and victimized Black women) were getting long prison sentences for crimes they actually committed. It could happen to my brother or my father so I had to be mad in solidarity. I had to excuse their misdeeds or questionable choices because they are just victims of The Man.
I had to question every choice I made and every preference I had because being brainwashed accelerated the disease. I had to make sure my preferences for my hair, make-up, the attractiveness of women, the attractiveness of men, fashion, music, television, books, and activities were "Black". My preferences for education, speaking a certain way, marriage, children in wedlock, and interracial dating were all signs that I was brainwashed and a horrible prognosis. This meant choosing the Blackest of Black everything. I had to prefer the darker actress who was darker than myself, I had to prefer the hair with no curl pattern when I have coils, I had to prefer the shows/films with dark skinned actresses who where married, I had to choose African or AA clothing, I had to prefer hip hop or R&B etc. Before making any choice I had to ask myself , "How will this impact the Black community?"; "Am I doing this because I have been brainwashed by the Eurocentric media?"; "Is this a sign of self-hatred?". Depending on the answers I could feel good about my choice or chastise myself for helping The Man cause my own destruction and the destruction of my entire race.

The thing that was left out of this pathological situation was was the evidence that there was a disease in the first place, that any of the so-called symptoms were harmful, or that any of the cures worked!!! I was happier the way I was before I got involved in any of this. Was this anger, knowledge, and constant self- and other-monitoring beneficial to me in any way? Was it beneficial to anyone at all? Was this going to make my life happier, stop me from getting hurt, further my career, help me make friends and get dates, improve my health? Why should I have done any of this crap to live up to someone else's ideal of what a Black person should be? People complain that the White media pathologizes Blackness, but I think the opinionated/activist AA community pathologized me and is doing so to many others! They are constantly telling us we are doing life/Blackness wrong and making us feel guilty for just living! I am not diseased/brainwashed because I want to be free to be an individual and not live by some arbitrary "True Blackness" rules. I will not be in danger if I don't live by those rules or pay attention to any of the things they way so-called Blackness experts/activists say I should. Peddle you snake oil somewhere else because you are not qualified to diagnose me and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have inoculated myself from your influence.

Freeing Myself From African American Cultural Limitations

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 20:35:00 +0000

Note: This post will make some readers angry if they choose to misunderstand and if they think their culture should be placed above the cultures of Black people who don't live in the USA.This is not about having pride in your culture, it's about understanding that all Black people don't think or act like you nor do they need to and embracing your culture could make their lives worse not better.

I think that from now on I need to be very critical of any theories, ideas, or culture that comes from AA people in the US because they are based on the lives, experiences, and reasoning of people who grew up in different environments different from the one in which I grew up. AA isn't the same as Black woman in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, or the same as growing up Black in any other country in the world. But for too long I (and many others) have been taking AA theories about what it means to be Black and AA culture and acting as though these socially constructed ideas should be adopted by Black people across the globe.

Even many AA people have written so much online about how they feel limited, stereotyped, and judged because of what other AA people say they are supposed to act and think. Why are we not free to be what we want to be? Why are we not free to choose from all ideas presented to us? Who decided what AA culture is and how they should act? Why should Black people in other cultures be expected to act and think like AA people? Why do so many people equate AA theories and culture with "Black culture"? Here are some of my thoughts.

1. Who created most modern Black thought in North America and should their writings apply to me? AA men wrote extensively about race (e.g., Frederick Douglas, WEB Dubois, Malcolm X etc.). These writings have been read by Black people in the US and even taught in classes. Black (and non-Black) people around the world have read these works. These men and many scholars (who are mostly men), shaped the way the world sees the Black experience but for them the Black experience is the African American Male experience! Do their theories and experiences apply well to AA women, Black women in other countries like me, or African women? Many of us have heard the saying "All the women are White and all the Blacks are men", well this is the case for many of the race theories I and many others have read. They are based on the reasoning of AA males of the past. Do these theories apply to a Canadian Black woman in 2014? Do their theories apply to you as a modern AA woman? Should be be relying on old writings and theories or should we be using updated theories based on modern evidence?
My Decision: I have decided to free myself from these old AA writings and ideas and probably most modern AA ideas about race. These theories colour the way people see the world and interpret things but they are theories that are biased, they are not facts. I do not think paying attention to these theories have helped me succeed in life and instead they made me suspicious, paranoid, and angry. These theories did not protect me from being harmed or help me so I choose to forget them. I am free to base things on my experience instead of being burdened with fear and feeling like I have been a victim my entire life. When I read these theories in the past and when I hear them now I do not have productive or helpful thoughts or feelings so I will stop exposing myself to them. I've heard enough and now it's time to focus on things that will actually help my life.

2. Who decided what "acting White" and "acting Black" was and should this apply to me? In my opinion, it's AA males who decided what it means to be Black and this has spread around the world. But there is some historical White racism mixed up in there and some of what AA males decided is based on a reaction to this. Unfortunately modern AA males have decided to embrace some of the racist stereotypes and defined blackness as the opposite of their definition whiteness! In the past things like reading, doing well in school, being well mannered, dressing neatly, speaking well, working a respectable job were not labeled "acting White", these where just things people did. But nowadays, if an AA person does these things they are sometimes teased for "acting White". It has happened to me in Canada a few times when I was told I was practically White by a White person because I wasn't loud and ghetto a decade ago or when people are surprised I don't like R&B and hip hop. But in Canada I don't recall anyone saying that my doing well in school or getting an advanced degree was "acting White" and I remember reading a statistic years ago saying Black women are more likely to have a university degree than all other groups (not sure if this is still true). I recently read a similar statistic about AA women. So I wonder why are Black women letting AA men define what it means to be Black? Why are you letting them define you? Is there a better definition that would serve your needs and goals better?
My Decision: I am going to be extra vigilant to eliminate all ideas I have about "acting White" and "acting Black" and I will act however I feel comfortable and prefer whatever appeals to me. I will no longer pay attention to AA trends, art, music, ideas, style etc. over non-AA trends, art, music, ideas, or style. I will be open to ideas, think about the source and intended audience, evaluate the merits of the idea, and decide if it will enhance my life or not. I will have my personal goals and will not let race factor into those goals. I am not trying to live up to any expectations for what AA culture says a Black woman should be. I will try to be a great woman period. I will not pay attention to AA theories that race needs to be recognized and discussed all the time in order to prevent racism. I will discuss it when I feel like it and not because I feel pressured to do so. I want to be seen as a unique individual person not a Black woman stereotype.

3. Who is free and who is brainwashed? This is one thing that I have really struggled with. I am so sick and tired of people trying to shape me and telling me if I believe one thing or act in one way then I am brainwashed or part of the problem; but if I think differently or act in a different way then I've stepped out of the matrix and I'm free. I know I have only so much power and there are others who have way more. I don't want to spend my free time thinking about how powerless I am and being angry at people or the system. This means I will not question my preferences any more! These are the following preferences I will no longer feel guilty about:

I will date who I am attracted to and will not question whether Eurocentric society has shaped my dating preferences.
I will not feel guilty about disliking the shrinkage in my natural hair and preferring to wear my hair stretched. Some natural women online are acting like it's self-hatred to prefer your hair stretched but I'm done listening to them.
I will not feel guilty about preferring long hair on myself and other women. I think it looks better. I don't like Lupita Nyongo's hair and I think she would look better if she grew it out. It's my preference and I don't care where it comes from.
I will not feel guilty about thinking a light-skinned or non-Black woman is attractive. I will not go on a smear campaign against any women in order to make dark-skinned Black women feel better. If you have great features you are beautiful regardless of your skin colour. I will not beat myself up or try to rationalize my preferences into something else out of fear I've been brainwashed. I like what I like case closed.
I will not feel guilty about watching television. I will watch whatever I want for whatever reason I want.
I will not feel guilty about the music I like. I will not like something just because Black people made it or because it is popular.
I will not support something just because it involves a Black person. I will not support something just because it is popular (i.e., all the White people are doing it). I will support something if I believe in the cause.

My Decision: I am aiming to have my needs met and achieve my goals and I have decided to be satisfied with that. I am not on a journey to change the world or overthrow anything and if that makes me part of the problem then so be it. If this means I'm a follower and part of the system so be it. I'm making a choice to fight for my needs and goals and what I choose to fight for instead of being shamed into fighting for other people's causes. I will support something if I choose to not out of fear or irrational guilt. Most importantly, I will no longer pathologize myself based on my choices or preferences. I will not pay attention to any Willie Lynch, it started with slavery, Eurocentric beauty standard, etc. articles or arguments because I've heard them and want to move on. I am fed up with articles and news stories questioning if something is normal or not. As long as my needs and goals are being met I don't care about being normal anymore, I can be unique or unusual.

If anyone can relate to this post, great, if not oh well. It's me figuring out what bothers me and eliminating that thinking from my mind. For most of my life I have been free of these thoughts and I want to go back to that time. Instead I want to focus on ways I can improve my life and feel better about myself. Focusing on the things listed above just created mental turmoil for me so I am throwing them to the side. I am free of the restriction I previously felt pressured to adhere to because I am Black. I am free.

My Opinion about the State of Black Women's Empowerment Sites (BWE)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 17:29:00 +0000

I have been blogging for a long time. I think I started in 2004. I think that was before BWE even started. I remember reading Black Women Blow the Trumpet before it became private. I was there when What About our Daughters started. I tried to get involved, it went bad, and I quit blogging for a few years. I kept reading things here and there and found I really liked Beyond Black and White and after a while I was asked to write there. I like Christelyn Karazin, I haven't interacted with many of the founding members of BWE, and I have had negative interactions with some of them. But I prefer Christelyn because she is less extreme, more open to differing opinions, and respectful. I also appreciate that she saw something that interested her and tried to help and bring resources to the movement. I believe in what Dorothy Height said, if we worry about who gets credit then the work doesn't get done (or something like that). If the goal is to improve the lives of Black women then who the hell cares who started BWE and who makes the most noise as long as the job gets done? So after the whole hubbub about Christelyn happened I definitely did not want to be involved with the founding members and their rules. My opinions are based on what I have seen and I have the right to comment on this as an observer.

I was really surprised at what happened to BWE. I have the Canadian experience where maybe 90% of the Black media I'm exposed to comes from AA women (including bloggers). So it's rare that I would see a Black Canadian woman or Caribbean woman in the media or online. That is the experience for many non-AA women so that is why we have an opinion about the AA media we consume and how they portray Black women. It's all we have really. There may be some non-AA women we watch but they are often in American films anyway. All the models, advertisements, music videos, and songs are the same ones you are exposed to but BWE sites are saying our opinions don't count, we don't know what we are talking about, and we are "the enemy" now. Just as AA women complain that they are not represented enough in the media and make do with what the White majority gives them, non-AA women are not represented and have to make due with what the White majority AND AA-minority provides. Yet we are not asking for them to represent us more in the media, we are asking that they represent themselves better for their own good, and for the good of Black people all over the world. What they present affects all of us so we should have a say.

Furthermore, if as some sites say, there is a more positive view of Caribbean and African women then why not look at some of us for ideas just as Black women all over the world frequently look to AA women for ideas? It seems that they only want the influence to be one sided and ignore the fact that non-AA women have lived with their outside influence and are still able to maintain unique parts of themselves. Why can't you look to other women for ideas and influence as many of us look to others including yourselves? If your goal is the be better respected and date interracially as many non-AA women do, wouldn't it make sense to figure out what non-AA women do and start enacting those things? I have no problem looking to AA, Asian, and even White women for ideas about how to do things. I look to men for ideas about how to do other things. Observe, learn, and make it your own for your own benefit while remembering who you are.

Unlike what I have read on BWE sites, I don't see the success of AA women as taking something away from me. AA women looking good does not make me look bad so I don't want them to fail or be mistreated and I do care. Unfortunately it seems like BWE sites are telling AA women to view success of any non-dark skinned or non-AA woman as a personal rejection and as taking something away from them. That is how our experiences and reality differ so I'll leave that alone. I am all for diversity of skintones and features but you can advocate for that without the anger and personal attacks on light or biracial women. It would be great to see someone writing who has a perspective similar to my own. It would be great to see all women of African descent, regardless of how long their ancestors have been away from Africa, no matter their skin colour, be able to discuss the improvement of their global image which happens to be strongly influenced by the American media. BWE writers can see that the White majority has the control over how Black people are represented in Western countries and still feel they should have a say, even when they don't control the industry. Well, AA-people are overrepresented in the media presented to Western countries, and even though non-AA people don't control the industry, we also want to have a say, and what we want is to see YOU better represented. This isn't just a media thing either. We want AA-women and Black women everywhere to be viewed with higher regard. Those same Eurocentric standards apply to all Black women, not just AA-women.

I think what BWE sites are suffering from is groupthink and group polarization. Groupthink happens when a group of people makes decisions, there is a charismatic leader/leaders, many people think the same, and dissenting views are discouraged or strongly rejected. This leads the group to ignore different perspectives and not weigh all facts and possibilities. In BWE, by ignoring dissenting views, views from outsiders, or refusing to weigh alternatives or play devil's advocate, they are in danger of making unwise choices (e.g., fostering hostility towards biracial/light-skinned women while ostensibly advocating for interracial relationships that produce biracial children, or trying to do everything alone and starting from scratch instead of using trying to benefit from what other people have already done). Group polarization happens when a cohesive group becomes more and more extreme when compared to a group with more diverse membership. BWE is becoming extreme. It's narrowed itself from being about the improvement of all Black women down to only AA-women (who don't have recent African or Caribbean roots), who are not light skinned or biracial. So anything that supports someone who doesn't fit that mold is rejected, criticized, and called the enemy. Their views are extreme (e.g., reject other Black people, reject all media and make your own, boycott almost everything, don't listen to many people who could have good ideas, don't support anyone who isn't AA, and not supporting the end of atrocities in other countries like those 200 girls kidnapped in Nigeria...yes seriously that happened). How can sites support interracial marriage that produces light-skinned and biracial children and at the same time call those women the enemy?

When a group like this wants mainstream change they will not appeal to the mainstream if they are so extreme. They will lose the support from women who are light-skinned, biracial, or foreign who BWE writers have said have advantages and privileges they could extend. I'm all for AA-women advocating for their best interests first but I think these other women could be allies that can help by playing devil's advocate, being less emotionally-involved, and having a different perspective. I stand by my belief that when you are drowning take whatever help you can get and make due. If you are starving take whatever food you can get because you may not get anything better for a long time. Use these other people as a crutch until you can walk on your own. If you want to eliminate something from your life go ahead but there is no need to be so hostile and cruel to people who choose mainstream views and are doing just fine. We all have choices, the right choice for you may be an unnecessary choice or the wrong choice for others. Promote dark-skinned women all day long but don't burn bridges insulting people because they don't want to get on your bandwagon because they may be beside you for your next cause.

I know that BWE sites like to compare how they are treated by Black men and feminists and talk about intersectionality to defend their right to put themselves first. As a Canadian woman I am not asking AA women to put anyone else first or put their needs to the side. That is the difference between non-AA Black women, Black men, and feminists so please remember that. Women like me want AA women to do better and live better and if they make that a priority it's fantastic. I am not asking them to put non-AA women, Black men, or White feminists first so please don't compare the situations. I am not trying to sabotage you. I am trying to help you avoid groupthink and group polarization that is causing strife in your group and turning off the less extreme members. If you want mainstream change you need to make views acceptable to mainstream Black folks with moderate views, that's just the way it is. The more extreme and narrow your message, the more disparaging you are of people who are attracted to your sites (e.g., Black women around the world with various skintones), the less support you will get from those people and others who care about those people. You may feel you can do all of this on your own, but ask yourselves, how well is it working?

Women are not entirely to blame for PUA sites!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jul 2014 21:36:00 +0000

I am no longer a follower of Black Women's Empowerment sites. The reason is because these sites have made it clear that they are meant for African American (AA) women and that non-AA women do not have a place in their conversations about the way AA women are perceived. Our opinions are not welcome in conversations about how to improve the image of AA women and how they can improve their lives. We have been told to deal with our own problems (frankly, I tired of the continual focus on television in their posts). I realize that my life is different from AA women and I don't need to do many of the things suggested on their sites. It's okay for me to think differently from them and to not feel serious issues for them are serious issues for me. That's fine. So I stopped regularly reading those sites.

For some reason today I was bored and couldn't find anything to read so I ventured over to this post on Neecy's Nest (the issues on the blog are for AA women so I don't have the same opinions about them and I won't post on BWE sites anymore, but I can always post on my own blog). The post is called It's time for Western women to fess up. First off, I can't believe what I read. In my opinion, the post basically blames women for Elliot Rodgers going on a shooting rampage in Santa Barbra, California because he couldn't get women to sleep with him! Talk about blaming the victim...

At the time when the shooting occured I read many articles about it and opinions. This was the FIRST time I saw a WOMAN blaming WOMEN for the shooting! This guy was a a former member of PUA (Pick Up Artist) sites and when he was still unsuccessful with women he joined a site called PUA HATE where men complain about PUA sites and bash women. Now I can understand why writers blamed the sites because of the things written there that influenced Rodger's thinking. There was some really hateful stuff posted on those sites, but for the record, apparently Rodger posted some alarming things and members tried to talk him down but it didn't work.

Well the thing that bothered me about Neecy's post was that there was no empathy at all for women's experiences with dating and how that influenced them! I think both men and women are to blame for the state of dating nowadays. In the post it seemed as though women were stupid, selfish beings who purposefully chose "bad boys" instead of "nice guys" just to be mean or because they didn't know what was best for them. Nice guys are apparently innocent victims of women's evil. This is the sort of thing that is written on PUA and Manosphere sites and it's coming from a woman! I will admit that I have gone in on feminists, didn't have entirely negative views of PUA sites, and think women are partially to blame for the state of dating today but I never supported the aforementioned ideas because they are totally one sided. So below I'm going to list some common experiences and beliefs that many women have about relationships and what they want that may leave "nice guys" without partners. I think it's ridiculous and harmful to blame women who are strangers for getting shot because they didn't want to sleep with someone! I chose to write this because I was just so shocked by what I read!

Many young women do not know what nice guys are. Some girls grow up with fathers/relatives who are mean/abusive to their mothers or themselves so they can like someone who treats them badly while women who have good fathers would never date the same guys. These women think there is always abuse in relationships and that not being mistreated is a fairy tale. They expect guys to mistreat them sooner or later so they are not scared off when a guy isn't nice to them. Unfortunately the abuse has confused the women so they go for men like their abusive fathers. These women often have low self-esteem and think they are worthless and don't believe it when people say otherwise. PUA sites give advice about how to find women with low self-esteem or how to lower women's self-esteem in order to get sex. If a woman ends up with bad guy after bad guy she may assume they are all bad and be suspicious of "nice guys" who she things will turn bad eventually anyway. These abused women will often have sex quickly too because they feel it is the only thing they can offer and that men only value them for sex.
Women become wiser and should not be blamed for not knowing more when they were younger. Later on when women realize what they were doing they change who they date due to that wisdom. I think it's totally unfair to chastise young women who aren't even fully mentally developed for making wrong choices when dating. Everyone makes mistakes. Young men also make many mistakes. Young men may be abusive, make poor life choices, sacrifice grades and career development for fast money to impress girls and end up with nothing to impress grown women, engage in criminal activities that make them non-marriage material etc. They may go for looks over character and personality for most of their lives. The same men on PUA sites have only been attracted to women rated 7-10 for most of their lives and have yet to figure out that they could have relationships with women closer to their attractiveness level! These men are still choosing women entirely based on looks and are surprised when some women do the same. Many of these men continue to prioritize sex over relationships when they know women don't and are surprised when women don't have sex with them right away. They keep trying to get sex with new women when men in relationships have the most sex. So both men and women make strange choices.
Women are not mind readers and may not know if a guy is nice or mean until she gets to know him. I don't know why people assume a woman will automatically know a good guy. Most men are on their best behaviour when they meet a woman and it's only later that the bad behaviour comes up. The women don't know the guy was abusive, a criminal, or a cheater. Unless you have known a guy for a long time you won't know if he is a good guy or not. Many bad guys lie about being good guys and if they are handsome and charismatic then a woman will fall for it. They may be persuaded by an attractive man giving them attention because they don't feel they deserve it (just as a pretty woman can talk men into doing things they wouldn't do for a less attractive woman). On the other hand, if a supposed "nice guy" is awkward and unattractive he may not be able to convince women he is a good catch. PUA sites teach men how to convince women they are good guys. Our society also teaches that people should get second chances, don't judge a book by it's cover, and that people change so even if a women hears negative things about a guy she may still give him a chance. Many young people also think they are special so a young woman may believe that even if a guy is mean to others he will be good to her. Or she could believe "love conquers all" and that the man's problems won't matter as long as they are in love. This is constantly the message in romantic films, books, and songs.
When people are abused as children they often (consciously or unconsciously) blame themselves for the abuse and try to prove their worth to bad guys. So when a girl meets a guy and he isn't nice she may blame herself. She then thinks that if she acts nice, treats him well, doesn't complain, or makes herself look good (ride or die type of girl) then he will start being nice to her. Many women have the belief that if they are nice or look good then men will be good to them. It happens in fairy tales and romantic books and films all the time (e.g., beauty and the beast). Just think of any film where the man is hard, mean, or in trouble and a nice, kind woman is exactly what he needs to see the error of his ways, open his heart, and transform himself (e.g., manic pixie dream girls). Women are taught from a young age to be kind and nice and that they can change men.
The halo effect is a psychological phenomenon where people associate good traits with people who are good looking (or have other good traits). So, if a woman sees a good looking guy she may unconsciously believe that he has other good traits but will unconsciously believe an unattractive guy has negative traits. As said above a woman may be pursuaded to date or sleep with an attractive guy just as men are easily persuaded to date and put up with attractive women who are not good for them. Men sometimes try to shame women for going for guys based on looks but this is hypocritical. If women went for men based on popularity, talent, or money someone would be complaining about that too. People look for more than one thing in a partner and personality unfortuantely is not enough. Think about how many times you looked at someone and were surprised at the negative things you learned about them because they looked so clean cut, nice, attractive etc. That's the halo effect and women are often surprised when the popular, handsome, successful guy turns out to be a terrible guy.
Women may settle for whoever chooses them. Bad boys may be more bold and assertive in asking women out and pairing that with charisma and attractiveness leads to their dating success. A quiet guy who doesn't put in the effort or seem like he really wants a woman is not going to get her. If you act like a friend a woman will assume that friendship is all you want. Men who are successful with women tend to ask out way more women than men who are unsuccessful. It's partially a numbers game. Men often say they can tell within minutes if they would sleep with someone and if they are girlfriend material, well women do the same thing and they just may not be attracted to you.
A woman may regret getting used by an unattractive man more than being used by an attractive man. Many girls and women have had the experience of being used by men, especially for sex (e.g., sleeping with someone and getting dumped, mistreated, or shamed soon after). So women learn that it is risky to sleep with a man because he may dump her or change right after. So women are selective about who they take that risk with. Many would prefer taking that risk with someone who has relationship potential but one can never be sure of that. The one thing a woman can be sure of is that they are attracted to someone a lot. So, if a man is really attractive a woman may be willing to risk being dumped after because they enjoyed being desired and sleeping with someone attractive. On the other hand, being desired and sleeping with someone unattractive may not be worth it to some women. Having a great thing once is worth more than having a mediocre thing once. Sleeping with someone you are not attracted to is like going to the dentist, but if your dentist is hot it makes it less unpleasant. Many women barely enjoy sex too so it's often a sacrifice only for the man's pleasure so at least they get the pleasure of looking at someone attractive.

There are more things I could write but I think that's enough for now. When I think back over my choices in men I know that most of these things applied to me and affected my choices. I tried dating a guy I wasn't attracted to once and he ended up being a jerk just like the attractive guys I dated. I've turned down men because they were unattractive to me, they didn't achieve much in life, had kids, were separated, lived too far away, barely had anything to say, smoked, did drugs, or didn't planned to move away so there are many reasons. Many guys are just looking for sex so they don't care about those things. Women and men have different goals and dating standards a lot of the time and it is self-defeating and delusional to expect them to act the same way and make the same choices. Anyways, the point of the post is that we should not uncritically believe everything these Red Pill guys say because they are only looking at things from one perspective while ignoring most of the reasons why women made the choices they have and instead attributed it to us being stupid or evil. Most of these men would have women if they didn't continually go for women who were out of their league, if men in general would be satisfied with one women for more than a one night stand, and if they stopped insisting that women sleep with them right away.

Leadership and The Animal Farm

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 08 Nov 2013 22:30:00 +0000

I just finished reading Geroge Orwell's Animal farm. It's regarded as one of the best books of all time and in on the Time Magazine Top 100 Books List. I thought it fitting to tell you about it. Although the story is told using animals, it's actually about the leadership in Russia. It can also be used to understand leadership elsewhere including the leadership in revolutionary and activism groups.

Here's the gist of Animal Farm so if you don't like ***SPOILERS***, don't read any further.

1) Jones is a man who owns the farm. The animals become tired of being his slaves, revolt, and chase Jones and his wife off the farm. Now they own the farm.

2) As a group they come up with rules that the animals will follow so that they never become like humans. Rules include things like not living in houses, not sleeping in beds, never wearing clothes, ALL animals were equal, and never killing another animal. They get rid of anything they have that violates those rules.

3) The pigs are the smartest to they start making plans for the farm and telling others what to do. The lead pigs are Napoleon and Snowball. They learn to read and write while most of the other animals are not smart enough to do so. So the other animals are used for labor. At one point the humans come back and start a fight, Snowball was heroic, and they chased the humans off.

4) Snowball starts coming up with plans to make a windmill and the animals start looking up to him. Napoleon got jealous. He trained a bunch of dogs to attack at will and unleashed them on Snowball. Snowball was chased away.

5) From that point on Napoleon was the leader, he had guard dogs, and lived in the house. He was the the best reader and writer and everyone just accepted him as leader because he was the smartest.

6) Napoleon started spreading rumors that Snowball was always a traitor, was working for the humans, and was sneaking onto the farm to sabotage things. He forced animals to confess to working with him and they were executed on the spot. Slowly Napoleons lackeys would change the list of rules to benefit the pigs. Everyone went along out of fear of having their throats ripped out.

7) Animals were made to work long hours for little food but because they owned the farm they were willing to make the sacrifice. The less intelligent animals kept believing that Napoleon was always right and was looking out for their best interests not his own.

8) By the end of the book Napoleon created two classes of animals. The pigs were the upper class, they started living in the house, wearing clothes, and standing upright. They also started trading goods with humans. The other animals were the workers, they got less food than the pigs and had to do labor while the pig worked on "forms and memos".

9) By the end of the book the pigs looked just like the humans and acted like them. They made friends with the humans and were actually worse than Jones. Older animals forgot about all the betrayals and how things used to be. Young animals thought that things were always that way.

So what happened was that although the animals had good intentions and wanted equality, the smartest ones took over first and appointed themselves the leaders. Then by using slander, violence, and manipulation one leader took over and attempted to destroy the other leader and his supporters. Then the leader eventually did all the things that the original leaders did so he was no better than the original oppressors. Very interesting how power corrupts and treating each other as equals is the first rule to be thrown out.

It's funny how women can be just as sexist and infair as men

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 08 Nov 2013 22:30:00 +0000

Well being feminine isn't all sunshine and lollipops, but I do think it's still better for me offline for sure. One thing I didn't think I would have to deal with online was other women being sexist to me because I like femininity and my screen name is Elegance. It's really disturbing actually.

There are insults doled out on me for doing things that other writers and commentators do all the time, but with me, there is an extra sexist tinge. It may also be that people are oblivious to how inconsistent they are with their approval and disapproval of the same behaviour depending on who is doing it. But for me, I'm apparently not allowed to disagree, dislike anyone, refuse to forgive someone, talk back to someone, not care about something or someone, think someone is a bad role model, question anyone, tell someone to go away, quit something, stop a discussion, start a disagreement, think I'm better than anyone, think I don't have serious problems, refuse to support a cause, or say ANYTHING that might make anyone feel bad. Well my response to that is SCREW YOU! I am not some 1-dimensional caricature that MUST live up to whatever feminine role you expect me to fulfill. You don't know me and I don't have to be what you want! This online character called Elegance is not the real me! It's an online persona...a duh! Anyways, here are some ways people just expect things of me that they don't expect of other people. I'm just going to write those people off and be done with them since we don't need each other and online reality has no relation to my offline reality so who cares.

Example 1) If someone calls out a blogger, BY NAME, and insults their intelligence, implies they are naive, stupid, a saboteur etc. then most people would understand if the insulted blogger confronted the person right? Not if you are feminine and named Elegance. Nope, you have to smile and take it like a good little doll because that's what they expect feminine women to do. Take it and be a pushover. Or they tell you not to "sink to their level", so while other women and men can defend themselves I'm criticized for doing so. I'm not doing anything different from anyone on the net but for me it's not okay.

Example 2) If someone is rude in their disagreement with someone on a site it's understandable that the other person may be rude back voicing their own opinion. But oh no not Elegance! If I am rude back, question, or respond to the other person then I'm "being too sensitive" and can't take criticism. Where exactly does it say that it's wrong to talk back to critics? A strong person responds to criticism and corrects misunderstandings! If I think you are full of it and your criticisms make no sense, are biased, or freaking crazy then I have every right to say so. I can take criticism but I don't have to accept it. If someone says my blog is stupid because it's pink then I have every right to say it's stupid to think something like that is relevant.

Example 3) In an offline conversation it is a back and forth, you say something, then your conversation partner says something. This can go on for hours. Online the same thing sometimes happens and the conversation can be light or it can be a disagreement. But for some reason if I go back and forth with someone trying to understand then that's being willfully stupid, trying to cause problems, or trolling. How are some people allowed to cut off the dialogue like that but when I do THE EXACT SAME THING or stop the discussion I'm told I'm not willing to accept disagreement, I'm unwilling to engage in healthy dialogue, or I'm running away like a little girl? In my opinion, this is a sexist reaction, I'm damned for disagreeing with what someone says and damned for not engaging with them at all. Furthermore, if I write a long response it's a rant, being too sensitive, and it's not a big deal, but if another author does the exact same thing they are applauded and told they have every right to respond??? It's not my fault I can think and type faster than you.

Example 4) I think that it's a very feminine trait to try to understand people and it's also being curious and inquisitive, all good things. If you don't understand something then an intelligent person tries to understand instead of staying confused. Sometimes, believe it or not, people are confusing and their points are only logical to themselves or people close to them due to something called groupthink. I don't mind people questioning my thinking and I explain myself. But other people see that as a threat and they attack people for questioning and trying to understand. I don't know if that is an anti-intellectual thing, a defensive thing, and anti-science thing or what but I think it's freaking abnormal to be so closed off to questioning. But nooo, Elegance isn't allowed to ask questions or for clarification or that means she's stupid. People love to throw around the term "critical thinking" but an important part of critical thinking is asking whether something is true, whether it is partially true, or whether it is true for some people and not others! Pointing that out is not sabotage, it's pointing out the freaking limitations of your idea! One shoe doesn't fit everyone, just acknowledge it and we can move on instead of people insisting that their idea always works, for everyone, and if not it's because you're stupid.

Example 5) If someone disagrees with a popular idea then they have every right to say so, ask questions, and give a critique. But noooo, not if it's about Black women, then you have to nod your head and go along. Is that not the same freaking mess of unquestioning that let BW to follow feminists and Black male activists? Individual women have to question whether the ideas are appropriate to them. If they find inconsistencies then it is up to the writers to address them instead of sweeping them under the rug, calling people brainwashed, saboteurs, stupid etc. Maybe you are actually inconsistent, a lot of things are. It may be impossible for you to be consistent but what you need to do is THINK about whether there is an inconsistency, and if so ACKNOWLEDGE it, or DISPROVE it. It's sooooooo funny how many times people have said to me that I should expect disagreement with the posts I make yet other people are allowed to tell me not to voice my disagreement and in fact don't read a blog if you don't agree with ALL OF IT. What the heck is that?

Example 6) It's mind boggling the way the people react when the very criticisms they make of others are put back on them. Like when BW ask the White media to be included in their projects (e.g., magazine covers, TV shows, movies, runway). The same thing happens online when BW ask to be represented on non-Black blogs, people of other classes want inclusion on middle-class blogs, women want inclusion on men's blogs etc. These people asking for inclusion say that they won't support the cause or site because they are not included right? So how is that any different from a Black Canadian woman saying she doesn't want to be a part of a US based movement because it doesn't reflect her unique circumstances or address her needs? That's the same reason why many of you abandoned feminism, certain TV shows, magazines, and other causes but nooooo if you do that with a BW cause then you're told to shut up, just go along, and you're being insensitive to our problems. What happened to all the talk of only supporting things that DIRECTLY benefit you and expecting RECIPROCITY? I guess #(insertcausehere)isn't forCanadianBW. Sorry I won't be singing your praises or engaging with these causes just because I'm Black. I'm just going to wipe you from my consciousness.

People are strange and difficult. Online I'm just going to delete them, ignore them, and move on. If you are inconsistent, unfair, or extreme I'm not even going to bother trying to understand you out of curiosity online, it's not worth my time and won't benefit my life. THE END

Watch Out for First World Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 07 May 2013 18:12:00 +0000

Crossposted at Beyond Black & White

This post is related to a previous post on my blog and something I've been thinking for a while. The gist of that post was that I don't feel the need to take time out of each day to feel bad for all the people suffering in the world unless I plan on doing something to help. Otherwise it's just feeling bad for no reason and it's just talk with no action or substance behind it. It's acting upset and patting yourself on the back after because that makes you more human than the allegedly unfeeling masses (yet it's members of those unfeeling masses who are actually working on those issues every day not just complaining about them). There are people close to me who I can feel bad for if necessary but I'm not going to seek out news stories about bad things and feel bad so that I prove I have feelings to strangers online. I don't think that is helpful to anyone and a waste of time I could be using to enjoy my life or do something more constructive or helpful in the world. It doesn't mean I don't care or don't have feelings, I'm just not choosing to get worked up about every issue in the world that crosses my path because that helps no one.

To me, taking on the suffering of strangers is like being a mammy and a mule feeling bad for them when they don't feel bad for you, in the hopes that when you have problems they will remember your caring and come help you when you need it. I don't believe that will happen, maybe on a national level (e.g., countries helping each other and expecting to be paid back in the future), but not on a race level. I will be concerned and help someone LESS fortunate than myself IF I WANT TO and if I am moved, not in the hopes of getting paid back because I know that probably won't happen. I don't fool myself into thinking that caring for those people is somehow an investment in my own future. Payback would only apply if those people are my neighbors and if they will one day have enough resources to pay me back (that would be reciprocity). But for the people who need the most help in far away places, that will never happen. I will help them just because I think it's the right thing to do, but I won't sit around depressed about it because then I would be depressed 24/7 365 days a year.

Furthermore, I don't waste time being concerned about people who have their own family, friends, and resources to take care of them. These people don't need my help and they probably won't reciprocate because they focus their resources on helping themselves (because self-preservation is the priority for most people). This is why I don't get upset over things regarding celebrities anymore because they have enough people caring about them that they don't need me. I don't need to be concerned about athletes or politicians. I don't need to be concerned about powerful ideological groups because they will be okay and succeed without my help (because they have been doing so all along). Trust me, anyone with any power will do just fine without the support of Black women but if we don't take care of our own problems who will? Do you really want us to go begging to everyone else for help or should we try to handle our own problems? This leads me to the issue of First World Problems. FWPs are things that people in wealthy Western countries get upset about that aren't even in the radar of people in poorer countries who are just trying to survive. To people in those countries these issues seem frivolous and they would wonder why we are so miserable when we have so much.

I think that there are Black First World Problems that Black people in Western countries worry and get too angry about when Black people in the past would have had much worse to deal with. I think that Western Black people believe that if we don't get really upset and make a lot of noise over every insensitive thing anyone does then observers will get the green light to be as racist and sexist as they want, Jim Crowe be reinstated and women will become second class citizens again. This is why they get upset over minor things because they think those minor things are indications of a large, underground racist/sexist mentality that is just waiting to come out if everyone isn't vigilant about it. Now I am not a psychic and I don't know if they are right about this or not. I'll let them get upset but I won't be a part of it. It's their passion and fear not mine so I won't let them drag me in. Discussions about some of these issues can get very heated because people feel they are a symptom of a more serious problem. But when you sit back and look at some of the issues Western people have gotten really upset about you just have to laugh sometimes because we must have things pretty good if these are the things we complain about. Yes we can complain and commiserate about these problems but there is no reason why discussions of these issues should end with someone being furious, depressed, or feeling that the world is a horrible place. Just breathe and realize you are getting upset about a FWP that isn't that serious!

Examples of Black First World Problems:

*Getting worked up over something you read/saw on the Internet: The Internet is strangers writing for entertainment or amusement or telling people what they think those people should know. People are more rude on the Internet because it is anonymous and they are arguing with people who can't affect them in real life. Don't bother getting upset about a conversation with a stranger who you may never cross paths with again over a topic you have never been concerned about until they brought it up. If you don't like it. don't read or visit the site again, avoid the person, and just walk away because no one is forcing you to be there.

*Black women wear their hair straight: For many people this is a luxury and they have no choice but to wear their own natural hair (I used to think this was serious but not any more). It's more important that Black women are free to be educated, employed, using money for necessities or upward mobility, and feel safe walking the streets looking however they want.

*A Black person's skin color: Why are we caring so much about this? Can a Black person just be Black and be accepted already no matter the shade? Stop caring so much about who the media prefers and just treat people equally and be attracted to whoever you want.

*A celebrity said or did ANYTHING: There are people who pay absolutely no attention to what celebrities do because they are busy with other things. This also includes any celebrity doing anything that reminds you of slavery or their preference for non-Black people. Pay more attention to what the powerful people concern themselves with, because I doubt it's Love and Hip Hop. Some people don't watch TV at all.

*A rapper said something misogynist: It's a musician, an entertainer, usually with a criminal background who is barely literate from a music genre that is plagued with misogyny. Think about all the places in the world where rap music and rappers are a non-issue and have no impact on anything. Idiots say idiotic things and other idiots will follow their example.

*There are not enough Black people on quality TV shows: You're complaining about what's on your $3000 flat screen that costs more than people earn in one year in some countries. It's a luxury you have TV at all and that there are ever Black people on shows that are not on Black-owned networks. Yes, you can be bothered by this but it's really not that serious in comparison with other issues so just don't act like this is the worst issue facing Black people. Let the actors fight this battle for their representation and use their unions. Read a book or go exercise.

*There are not enough Black fashion models in high fashion shows and magazines: Do I have to explain how big a FWP this is? Don't watch the shows, don't read the magazines, don't buy the clothes...live your life. This also includes fashion shoots that remind you of slavery, minstrel shows, or you feel are appropriating someone's culture. They are selling pieces of fabric...relax!

*There are not enough Black people on magazine covers: Stop letting the media tell you who you are and what you are worth. The media is designed to tell you that you aren't good enough so that you buy things to fix problems you don't even have. Your face is not on the cover because they prefer White people like them and it has nothing to do with your beauty or worth as a human being. In a country where Black folks were the majority AND owned the media then Black people would be represented all over the place. In Western countries Black people will always be underrepresented so accept it and move on.

Specific Posts about First World Problems

The new image of a Black Barbie (relax it wasn't even for kids and people dress like that anyway)

Django Unchained dolls pulled from shelves (who cares?)

Petition over Scandal Hiatus (get a life people)

Petition over Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone (who cares?)

Controversy over Mary J. Blige singing in chicken commercial (everyone likes chicken get over it)

Protesting Legos marketed towards girls (just buy what you want mindless drones)

$16,000 in donations raised to study female characters in video games (???)

Complaints there are no Black women on "Girls" TV show (who cares, just don't watch)

Little girl is toy store rails against gender stereotypes (buy whatever you want..sheesh)

Black models excluded from fashion shows (let the people who buy their stuff and the models protest. I think they should get rid of runway modeling period and just use computers...)

Rapper says Black women don't look good in red lipstick (then people try to prove him wrong...why?)

Explanation for My Responses

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 May 2013 19:17:00 +0000

I tend to take a while to respond to comments on this blog. I read them all (except the troll comments that I delete immediately). But most of the time I either go off and think about my response and then forget about it because I'm on to something else. Sometimes my response is very brief and to the point because I now have a very low tolerance for complaints about what I post on my blog. I want to empower Black women to stop complaining about things and instead seek out better things or make better things for themselves instead of demanding (or worse begging) for someone else to do the work for them.

I started this site as a personal blog to document my journey to become more feminine and refined. I share it with everyone to help other women who want to do the same thing. I don't mind if people just read and don't comment. I would like to see all Black women doing better and for us to all be perceived better by others so I do want to help. But this blog doesn't generate any income for me, it is a hobby that takes up time I could and should be spending doing other things. It's free entertainment or instruction for anyone who wants it. So, when anyone comes to this blog and asks/demands/expects me to do something to please them it really is not appreciated.

Blogs are free and the internet is full of information that you can use to write a better blog than mine. There are also some other blogs that I have linked to my side bar that may have writing that you prefer. Understand that I have NO PROBLEM with every single reader of this blog starting their own blogs that write about femininity. I am not in competition with you and if you write well and post regularly (for a period of time) I will gladly read and promote your blog here so that more BW can learn how to be more feminine and elegant. Then there would be more information available, it won't seem like a weird thing anymore, and BW being feminine will become normalized. You see, I feel this way because changing the norm was the reason why this blog is public in the first place. It was meant to change the way BW think and act so that we not only become better accepted in society, but so that we are able to get the things we want/need to make our lives happier (e.g., respect, love, admiration, inclusion etc.).

If a BW blogs femininity better than me then that would be AWESOME and I would be behind that (however, when people start selling this info for profit I feel a bit iffy about that since I think it needs to be given for free and accessible to as many BW as possible). So, if you can come up with a better list of EBW role models, please make your own list. You can even post it in the comment section below. Better yet, start your own blog, post your list, and write about your journey to become more feminine and share that information with the rest of us. I am no expert and I am not perfect so there may be some things I can learn from you. Please take charge, empower yourself to become the incredible, feminine woman you were always meant to be. It would be great if someone fresh started blogging about femininity because I think my blogging creativity is on it's last legs and I won't be doing this forever.

Why Wouldn't You Want to be Feminine?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 May 2013 15:48:00 +0000

I just read some good posts at the Not Your Girl Friday blog. Now some of you may think her writing is a bit harsh (there is cursing sometimes) but I find I do agree with a lot of what she says. She has a lot of good posts that fit with my line of thinking. She appears to be very supportive of the idea that Black women would benefit from being more feminine and resisting the feminist pressure to abandon all aspects of femininity and traditional womanhood. So I'm going to link to some of her posts related to femininity for your reading pleasure :)

Embed from Getty Images

If feminism grants choices then why isn't femininity a choice for Black women? (Excellent post!)
Why wouldn't you want to be feminine? (Another great read)
Time for Black women to separate their image
Stop exposing yourself to anti-Black woman propaganda
Smile when you say that: the woman edition
Smile when you say that: the Black woman edition
Black women in fandoms 101: Identification and characterization (interesting, I feel the same way about the characters.
Whatever I am you made me...and when will Black women stop mammying?

Will Looking at Images of Fit Women Help Black Women to Lose Weight?

noreply@blogger.com (Elegance) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:16:00 +0000

Cross-posted at Beyond Black & White

What is Fitspiration?
Based on what I have read online, "fitspiration" or "fitspo" is the process of creating, collecting, watching, and reading things that will inspire you to become physically fit. It can include collecting photos of fit women, making and watching videos, collecting and sharing inspirational quotes, and creating inspirational online posters combining images and quotes. I'm talking only about fitspiration not "thinspiration" where girls/women collect and share images and quotes of underweight women to support their eating disorder. This post is NOT about thinspiration or that pro-ana stuff, fat acceptance, or feminism. It's about inspiring yourself to become really fit using motivational images.

So I have decided (once again) that I want to become one of those really fit people and lose 20-30 pounds to look my best and be healthy (Whatever the reason you have for eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly, the results are still going to be the same...better health and better looks. So no need to fuss about why you want to do it, just do it!). So, along with calisthenics, I plan to do 10,000 steps on the treadmill daily while I watch something on the computer. But I wanted to watch something inspiring instead of just TV shows and movies.

So I thought it might be helpful to look at fitspiration videos! I collected a bunch of them on YouTube...actually I collected over 170 that adds up to 8 hours of video! I started exercising and watching the videos and noticed there were very few Black women in them. So I searched for some with Black women and only came up with a handful. This is not a complaint post and I am just as motivated looking at non-Black women. It motivates me because by eating right and exercising I will be a fit, slimmer version of myself, able to run better and dance better, and I will healthier. I will be a part of the same lifestyle even though I don't look exactly like them. I don't get fixated on seeing someone looking exactly like me or "trying to be someone else", I'm more motivated by the control, dedication, attitude, and proof that a healthy lifestyle is possible and beneficial.

Would Black Women Benefit from More Fitspiration?
I'm wondering if BW seeing more fitspiration would inspire them to become healthier and fitness-minded? Maybe because a lot of the BW we see around us and in the media are overweight, or just not involved in fitness, maybe that makes us think it's not a lifestyle for us (i.e., fitness is for White people). Maybe if there were more of us in Nike commercials that would actually make a difference (I'm just not into looking like Serena). Maybe if we were in more of the fitness and healthy eating commercials and magazines then we would think that lifestyle was for us. No, I'm not using this to start a petition of athletic/fitness/health product companies, I am using it to understand why BW may not think about diets, healthy eating, and becoming gym rats the way White women do. If it's due to lack of media images then I'll have to collect those images myself and expose myself to them! I'll have to frequent fitness websites and videos regardless of race and have this lifestyle etched into my consciousness so that I want to achieve it all day every day.

I accept that 99% of the young women who make fitspo videos are White so they choose other White women for their videos so that doesn't bother me and I won'r complain to them. Could it also be the case that they couldn't find many images of fit Black models (e.g., bikini models, fitness models, dancers etc.)? The collected images are from magazines and advertisements posted online, or even photos fit women take of themselves so maybe there are just not many images of fit Black women available? My first instinct was to search Google images, Tumblr, and Pinterest to find images and make my own videos. But I changed my mind because there are a lot of things I want to do so I'll leave it up to someone else for now..hint hint! Below are two examples of Black fitspo videos and I prefer the first one. Here are two examples of White Fitspo videos: video1 and video2. I didn't make any of these videos and they have some images I don't like too, but they are good enough :)

By a man who likes fit Black women!

I wasn't inspired by this video. This might be by a man too!

There were a few videos of fit Black women, but when I compared the Black videos to the White videos there were some differences that made them less motivating to me and possibly a turn off to some women:

1) The Black videos featured a lot of body builders who were way to muscular and this would turn off any woman who doesn't want to look like that. On the other hand most of the the White videos had some fitness models (slimmer with less muscles) or women who looked like models and dancers.
2) The Black videos featured a lot of athletes especially track stars during competitions so they were not made up, with their hair done, posing to look perfect, or perhaps Photoshopped. So a physically attractive BW with some extra pounds might actually think she looks better than the fitspiration women. The White videos had more professional models looking their best, in the most flattering poses, and probably Photoshopped to make them look even more perfect. They had attractive bodies AND faces unlike in the Black videos.
3) The most motivating and attractive Black women were actually featured in videos made by MEN for MEN and not labeled fitspiration! I could tell that the White thinspiration videos were made by women. The male influence may bother some women (it doesn't bother me though).
4) On the positive side, many of the White videos had women who were very underweight and celebrities who have reported having eating disorders so I don't want to watch those videos. Fortunately I didn't see any such women in the Black videos so that's a good thing.

For the Fitspiration Critics
I don't know if fitspiration is right or wrong, but it exists and I think it will help me. Some people don't like fitspiration (e.g., those who only support "self-motivation" with no looking at other people for inspiration to do anything, and those against trying to improve your physical appearance for any reason. For example article1 and article2...objectification blah blah blah). Others think it's obsessive and are fearful that if they start dieting, eating healthy, or working out that they will become addicted and end up with anorexia or doing crazy things to get thin. Others feel bad about themselves when they see fitspo because they think it is impossible to achieve and don't see the value of even trying. So if you are fragile, have a history of eating disorder, know you have the tendency to go overboard and do crazy things, and if fitspo makes you hate yourself then it's definitely not right for you. But for those of us who know they will never try to starve themselves, don't want to look like waifs, and trust themselves to not go overboard, then fitspiration may be a helpful tool to help you achieve your fitness goals. It doesn't make me feel bad because I know I can do it and I have in the past so it's attainable. I don't think "fitspiration is something only White girls do and they all have eating disorders". I think to myself, 'A lot of White girls and other people seem to be able to keep their weight down and are into healthy eating and fitness. They seem to be getting benefits for their actions so maybe I should get some of those benefits for myself! If it works for them maybe it will work for me and if they can do it, then I can do it because they are not better than me.'

Some BW will insist that BW are genetically predisposed to be fat, being thin is Eurocentric so Black women shouldn't bother with it, and you can be fit and fat etc. I don't listen to that stuff because it will sabotage my goals of being super fit and hot! I'm just going to believe that we're overweight because we are too sedentary, eating too much convenient but unhealthy and calorie dense processed food, and eating restaurant food too often (if it was just genes then BW in the 60s, 70s, and 80s would have the same weight problems we have today). Cut all of those things out and the weight will come off. I choose to believe that and work to get in shape rather than complaining, thinking I'm supposed to be overweight, or not doing anything.

P.S. Not sure how this one will fly. This is one woman's opinion. Please don't fear that this one post will suddenly make all Black girls anorexic and permanently self-loathing. Remember if you read fitness magazines, do exercise DVDs, or see commercials then you are being exposed to fitspo so I didn't really introduce you to something new. The post was about looking at photos of fit women that other people have posted online. If you don't want to look at them you don't have to. If you don't want to get fit you don't have to.

Online Weight Lost Tools, Fitspiration Sites, and Related Articles
My Fitspiration Playlist (I haven't watched all the videos so save the playlist to your own account and edit out the ones that you don't like and those that have unhealthy images).
Zuzana Light (formerly on BodyRock TV, she motivates me like crazy)
Sparkpeople.com (free fitness and meal tracking with many features, cell phone app available)
http://blacknfit.tumblr.com/ (not bad but it included men)
Black women do work out
Fit is the new black
http://fitspiration.tumblr.com/
http://pinterest.com/theniceblog/fitspiration/
http://pinterest.com/jbeard1/fitspiration/
Google images for Black women fitspo
The miseducation of fitspo: Why these sites can help you meet your goals

Showing too Much Cleavage

noreply@blogger.com (Elegance) — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 12:31:00 +0000

I went on a great first date last week. It was great except that I wore an outfit that showed too much cleavage. It didn't look like too much when I looked at myself in the mirror, but by the time I got to our meeting place, my top had migrated downwards and my bosom was bulging to the delight of my date. We joked about it but I would have preferred to make a different first impression. I had worn a cardigan with a camisole underneath to cover my bust. Unfortunately, the camisole just didn't stay up.

Some of you may have experienced a similar problem. Due to the size of my chest I just have to accept the reality...I have to wear large or extra large tops to accommodate it. Most men think about sex and like to look at attractive women, but they do this more when you are bulging out of your top (or when you are wearing very short or skimpy clothes). That is not the look that I am going for.

Some of you may say this isn't a problem, show your cleavage, don't hide it, it's men's problem if they stare, and you don't care if other people don't like it. Well that's not a battle I want to fight and it makes me uncomfortable to be so exposed. Sometimes I want to get that attention, but it's annoying when I want to cover up by my clothes just won't let me! If you don't want a men starring at your chest all night or only seeing you as a sex object then this problem has to be solved. So here are some ideas I have used and will use soon to make sure that I don't show too much cleavage anymore:

1) Buy tops that don't reveal your cleavage: I bought some yesterday. Unfortunately I have a large chest and large arms so many of the cute tops just didn't look right (elbow length sleeves are best for me. I think I just need to lose the weight and then the arm problem will go away). Even if a collar looks good on the hanger, I have to try it on because they often end up stretching lower than I would have imagined. Trying things on is a must! If you are a thrifter and a sewer then you can buy tops with higher collars and then cut and hem them so that they are the perfect size for you.

2) Add lace to the bust areas of revealing tops: This is the next thing I plan to do. I will buy small pieces of lace in black, white, and the colours of tank tops and other tops I already have. I will cut the pieces to the appropriate sizes and then sew them into the tops. That way I don't have to go searching for new tops and I like the feminine touch of lace anyway.

3) Add fasteners to gaps between button holes: I had so many cardigans that I wasn't wearing because there were large gaps between the buttons that revealed bare skin underneath. So I bought some clasps (they were inexpensive) and sewed them on every cardigan that needed them. This took quite a while but it was worth it! You can use metal fasteners, plastic clasps, hook and eye fasteners, or velcro if you want.

4) Wear camisoles: Remember how your mom would make you wear cute little undershirts under your clothes? They came in packs (e.g., Fruit of the Loom). Unfortunately they don't sell them like that for women so you will have to buy separate camisoles. Camisoles are good but sometimes they do slip down and reveal too much because they are stretchy. I think that I have to permanently shorten the straps on some of mine so that they stay up. You can also wear tank tops. I think that camisoles would be easy to make from t-shirts, clothes you don't wear, and some elastic, with some lace at the top if you like.

This blogger loves camisoles and states that you can wear many more tops, even revealing ones, if you just wear a camisole underneath (she has some good fashion advice to make the best out of your wardrobe). I don't recommend Cami Secret because they really aren't wide enough for someone with a wide chest and the bottom part doesn't stay in place. It seems to only work for v-necks (maybe I just need to sew a better version). The Essential Cami looks a bit better (hopefully it can be worn higher because even that shows too much cleavage for work in my opinion. I would totally sew that myself). There are camisole bras available but I would prefer something removable and changeable.

5) Sew up collars and revealing openings: You can also always hand stitch the openings of certain tops (e.g., v-neck tops) so that they are not as low. If a top can be pulled over your head then you can permanently stitch the spaces between buttons closed.

The most important thing is that you are comfortable and that you look the way you want in the clothes you bought with your hard earned money. If there are items in your wardrobe you aren't wearing because they show too much cleavage then hopefully this helps :)

Desensitized to Suffering or Just to Your Complaints?

noreply@blogger.com (Elegance) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 20:03:00 +0000

Okay, this post was written out of frustration/boredom related to a Beyond Black & White post called Reciprocity: What does it mean to you. I must say that I haven't had many ideas about what to write lately and I'm losing some interest in blogging because there are other things I want to do (e.g., sewing, I need to exercise more, the weather is getting better and I want to get out and do things. I know that sometimes I complain about things but I have made a concerted effort for months to reduce how much I complain and vent online and offline (I wrote about this previously HERE and HERE). I chose to do that because I know that complaining is unpleasant and useless if I don't plan on doing anything about the problem. I would rather spend time doing something more pleasant with my friends. It's actually helped me to feel happier and more mellow about things.

It's fine discussing something for the sake of making conversation, but if the issue is emotional or controversial I just don't bother doing it much because it doesn't benefit anyone. The problem online is that sometimes an interesting conversation for me can upset others when that was not my intention whatsoever. So once I realize someone is upset online I leave that person alone because it wasn't serious to me and I didn't realize the other person was taking the online discussion so seriously. I know that I am not perfect and some of my posts may come off as frustrated venting, but really, I haven't vented online in a long time and I haven't been upset while writing one of my posts in a long time. I write because I enjoy it or I'm bored not because I'm an activist, expect to change the world, or that what I write actually matters. It's not that serious...

_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm still reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus (I think I read one chapter per month lol so I've been reading it for a long time). The book mentions something that I learned about previously regarding ways men tend to communicate when compared to women. Basically the book states that men tend to make complaints to others for the purpose of getting advice about how to ACT on the problem or SOLVE the problem. In contrast, women often make complaints just so that they can VENT and have someone listen to them while being supportive and showing empathy without the expectation that they or their audience do anything about the problem. Although both genders can use both forms of communication, men are more likely to make a complaint for the purpose to getting advice or prompting someone to act on the complaint. If they don't need help or want something done then they don't bring the problem up. You have probably heard this before.

I think that when it comes to reading blogs I think like a man! Men often become frustrated with women when they complain to them about something (especially when it's the same thing over and over) but they refuse to take their advice about how to solve the problem. Or when the women keep getting upset over something they have no control over and expect that the man gets upset too, pay attention to the complaint (that they may have heard dozens of times before), and endure the intense emotional venting. If they become bored with the complaint and the venting they are accused of "not caring" about the woman or whatever issue she is complaining about. A man in such a situation may ask himself,

"Why in the world is this woman complaining and getting upset over and over again about the same darn problem? Didn't she learn the last dozen times that she can't change the situation, so why is she still focusing on it? Why doesn't she take any of my advice about how to deal with the problem so that we don't have to go through this anymore? Why does she ruin her day by getting upset and insist that I ruin my day by listening to her and getting upset too? Does she enjoy getting upset and does it make her feel like she is a good person or something? What does she get out of this draining and depressing behaviour and why does she need me to feel drained and depressed with her? I wish she would just do something about the problem or just stop wasting both of our time getting upset and worrying about it!"

When I hear certain complaints over and over sometimes I just want to yell, "Do something about it or stop complaining because I have better things to do! This is useless and doesn't benefit anyone! Don't drag me into your masochistic pit of despair!" I mean since you care about the person you listen the first few times and are very concerned. You want to help and stop the suffering. But after a while you wise up and realize, 'Oh, she just likes to complain and vent about things sometimes. There is no need for me to get worked up because in a few minutes she will get over it and move on. She's like Jerry Seinfeld complaining about things to pass the time but she's not really that upset or else she would be working to solve the problem.' I mean seriously, it's like someone getting a flat tire and complaining day after day about it and don't want you to fix it...fix the darn tire already or shut up!

Over the years I have heard women and people in general complain about certain things online and in the media so often that I'm desensitized to their complaints and don't get concerned anymore. It's just the usual venting about the frustrations of life that they do to pass the time, the situation won't change any time soon, and they don't really want to work on the problem anyway. Sometimes I engage in those conversations just to pass the time but I don't get upset anymore because what's the point, it's online not my real life. In many cases these are first world problems (link2; i.e., problems that those with serious problems don't worry about because they are busy trying to survive. Yes I know I write about first world problems most of the time...and I don't take it seriously either. If your complaint has anything to do with celebrities or entertainment those are first world problems but I get that you are using to demonstrate a larger social problem. Many people will still dismiss it as trivial though). What are some examples of complaints that I don't feel like listening to anymore?

Complaints about celebrities, television, or music. I know that people (including myself) sometimes use celebrities, TV, and music as examples of more important social problems or a symptom of social problems. But if the issue is that a celebrity said something, there are not enough Black people on TV, or a song says something objectionable I just don't feel like listening anymore. Write about the social issue and it's complex contributing factors instead of complaining about a particular celebrity. Better yet, stop paying attention to gossip blogs and entertainment. I will just listen to commentary about good shows, music, and role models.
Complaints about being fat. Do something about it or accept that you are fat and stop complaining about it. When someone gives you advice that what you are doing is keeping you fat, take their advice or never complain to them again. You have a brain, you decide what is too much, don't rely on me to tell you what is too much and what is unhealthy. I will just listen to commentary about how to lose weight and stay fit.
Complaints about certain people not finding you attractive. Make yourself more attractive, only focus on the things about you that are attractive, or only pay attention to the people who do find you attractive. When someone tells you something about you is not attractive and how you can improve, take their advice or never complain to them again. Accept that men and most people prefer attractive women. I am so tired of the complaining that I really don't care anymore what you do to make yourself look attractive, do whatever you think is appropriate. You have a brain, you decide what is too much, don't rely on me to tell you what is too much and what is unhealthy. I will just listen to commentary about how to be attractive and people who find Black women attractive.
Complaints about non-Black people not including or preferring Black people. Accept that all people prefer their own, stop expecting to be included or being surprised when you are not, and create your own resources and groups that will include and prefer Black people. I will just listen to commentary about Black people who have been included.
Complaints that some people are racists or say insensitive or mean things to Black people. Report it if you have to but accept that everyone won't like you for whatever reason and race is just one of those reasons. Accept that people are mean to other people for many reasons and racists are just mean people who don't warrant your attention. Accept that non-Black people's lives don't revolve around finding out what offends you and reading manuals about how to act around you so you might get offended. Think about all the times when you have been mean and stop giving mean people so much power over you.

Now, if something is incredibly horrible, unusual, or effects someone I KNOW PERSONALLY then yes, I may get upset and I will listen. If I know the horrible details and someone is right in front of me upset about something that happened to them PERSONALLY then I will be concerned and empathetic. But I will no longer be concerned when someone online is upset about something that DID NOT EVEN HAPPEN TO THEM and that they have no intention of doing anything about the situation. I don't have time for that and I don't need that in my life. This is entertainment and I don't spend time on entertainment that makes me feel bad anymore. I would rather focus on the people around me and on things that I can actually do something about or things that make my life better. In my opinion, taking on negativity to make internet strangers feel better is being a mammy and a mule by sacrificing my time and emotional well being so that a stranger feels cared for. That's a sacrifice for your family and friends not for a stranger on the internet.

I'll end with some questions I was wondering when I read the original post: Why do you need me/internet people to listen to your complaint or get upset about it? Why do you need me/internet people to care and how does my/our caring help you? Will your problem go away if everyone in the world cares yet can not or will not do anything to help? Do you think you are better/more human/more well adjusted than others because you pause to think and talk about negative world events?