The New Jack

Cleaning Out Our Closet

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 06:42:00 PST

Ok,

So it's beyond evident that since my breakup with The Ex-Significant I've gone into a weird, dark, sort through mode. Something similar to Rihanna in her Rated R phase where after everything that took place for her, things are just in pieces and you sort of have to buckle down as much as it hurts and put together the pieces again. The thing is, as you go about doing this, the pieces do not form the same person. It's a whole new "beast" as sorts that you've created.
I've thought I've cleaned up.
Or rather....cleaned out...

But apparently, when you think you've wiped everything down there's always a spot you've overlooked.
And apparently, people are cleaning out their closets as much as I have been.

It's safe for me to truly say, that the Ex-Significant and I are two new people. Over the last 8 months I've changed so much mentally, and truly so has he.
It's sad when you look back and say, "Haiti was already the poorest country in the entire world and it took an earthquake that slaughtered over 200,000 people for OTHER people to realize that Haiti needs their help." It took an earthquake for people to change.

Well, it's the same parallel with the Ex-Significant; it took an earthquake to instill change.
We've had nearly the most honest conversation ever.
I mean from drugs...
....to marriage....
...to more cheating.......
.......to that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant while he was dating me.....

We literally started cleaning out our old closet.
Cobwebs that all parties weren't aware of.
We started cleaning it out.

And no missiles were fired. No gunshots. Not even a screaming match. Not one curse word was thrown.
Not...one.

And I can't even cry.
You think you can. Trust me.
You hear certain news, and even if it was a month ago or even a year ago, you say to yourself it hurts so much that I could still cry about it now in this present moment.
And then, your soul hits a level of sorrow that your eyes are physically dry. Your eyes have cried so much and so often that it's truly as if in this moment of pain that your eyes go numb and not a single tear can be formulated. Your nose doesn't burn, tingle or turn red in anticipation of tears. Your ears don't itch. You don''t even get that heavy feeling in your stomach. Your heart rate doesn't change, it doesn't speed up as it should. You just know....that your soul aches.

Your soul aches.

It's the rawest conversation I've ever had with him.
And after it all...

I miss him.

Those are the only two things I know...
That my soul aches and that, I miss him.

Breakeven

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 06:48:00 PST

Written on 2/2/2010:

I have to breakeven now.

Instead, all I've been doing is breaking down.

It's crazy that in two months, I'll be 24 years old and I'm realizing for the first time in these 23.82 years that it's ok to break down. Especially when the people closest to you know the truth. It's ok to be vulnerable.

People take advantage of people not because something is wrong with that person, or because that person is necessarily weak. I've always felt that I've been preyed upon because of 'weakness'. In turn, I've become a sort of monster.

I truly have. A beast of sorts.

I do lash out. Near constantly.

I scream. At levels that would break a child to tears and make any adult flee in fear.

I do this because I hurt so much. I handle mental pain so horribly. My tolerance for physical pain 1000 times exceeds the tolerance for anyone remotely telling me my shoes are ugly.

Or that my blouse is not their "cup of tea".

To quote The Script, "I'm falling to pieces".

I truly, truly have been. It's been brewing for years now. Maybe even as far back as my grandmother passing in 2005. I've been a wild child.
No sense of direction.
Random spurts of direction and focus.
Everything else chaotic, messy and just plain wild. Living on the edge and damn near letting people push me off of it. Patience, out the damn window the day she died.

I'm not erasing what has happened. Or attempting to erase all the pain I've felt and even currently feel, but I have to at some point just breakeven. I have to.

The pain isn't progressing me, it isn't building me, it's been destroying me. It pushes away the people that I'm most close to, and if I think I'm feeling pain now...just imagine if all the pain that I lash out on the surface were to push these people away permanently.

That's a pain I don't want to imagine, or more importantly endure.

I'm in love with this same All-Star that I wasn't supposed to fall for in the first place. I'm letting it warp my mind to the point that I'm not breaking even, again I'm breaking down. We had an honest conversation and he loves me but he isn't in love with me. There's a difference that sometimes even I don't differentiate from. I wish it was the latter. I wish so much that he felt the same way I do that he's IN love with me. But I have to be real. I have to breakeven. Though my heart aches and all I think of is that the perfect person for me isn't in love with me..you have to break. How can you entitle the same privileges as a significant other to someone who isn't your significant other and has no desire to be.

Its hard though. When you know how your heart feels and that person tells you they love you..that they need you. You sink. You drown..in love and passion. Someway, somehow you're supposed to just put the breaks on and remind yourself "hey, you're never going to get anything out of this..they aren't IN love with you". When it comes to that, how do you breakeven.

I can't even breakeven with the Ex-Significant. He wants me back but after 3 1/2 years of irreconcilable damage..I can't take him back. To him, breaking even would be getting back together and to me that's not even, that's breaking me into more pieces that he's aided in creating.

No thank you.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing"..hell, I'd just like to breathe in general. I'd like to go a week with no tears. I'd like to go a week without any repairs to ME to be made. Without some love longing for someone I cannot have or some situation I have no power to alter. I just want to breathe if that's ok with anyone.

Anyone.

You'd think my heart has hurt for so long over so much one would ask, "what does one need in order to numb out?" At this point not even elephant tranquilizers seem to be doing the trick. I respect pain now, and its not that I don't want to remove the ability to feel..I just want to feel happy.

I just want to breakeven and breathe easy. Just for awhile.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing"...my goal now has to be to just breathe easy.

Heart of the Matter

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 16:01:00 PST

I told him...

I told him about his lies and the 10 story wall he's put up. I told him that I used to hate him. I believe in Jesus, and that I truly don't believe in hate anymore. I told him he's guarded and translated his nightmare. The nightmare where he told me that he was blindfolded on a bridge, and that I told him "fuck you, jump off". I told him that I don't believe anymore that he ever loved me. Nothing he did in 3 years to display love made sense. I told him he has no core values and is full of disrespect. I told him I realize a new evil that he's committed against me in the last 3 and a half years, every single day.

I told him I shouldve left him two years earlier. I told that he is broken inside because he practices hatred for his father. A hatred for his father that he's yet to solve at 27 years of age, and that he always spilled and took out on me. He always punished me, solely for loving him as if the crimes against him done by his father were done by me. I told him I went through stages: sadness, frustration, mental instability & hatred. I'm leaving hatred and entering a healing stage. Like I said, Jesus doesn't want me to hate so I focus on not doing so, and not spreading it.

But I told him. I told him everything. Everything.

The Ex-Significant came to my house last night. In efforts to re-kindle and salvage what we had after I've broken up with him, permanently, months ago. He showed up around 9:30 and departed at midnight.

Now, when I think of it. It felt like 5 minutes.

Like the most liberating 5 minutes I've ever experienced.

I let out every dark demon against him in my soul. In my entire soul. Everything I suppressed, everything that's made me ugly and angry and frustrated and feel trapped inside of myself. I told him things that I haven't been able to say to ANYONE about how much I've hated him and how much I loved him at one point in my life. I opened up about all the levels of fuckery he's put the two of us through...and that I'm working on forgiving him as a PERSON, not for HIM, but for me. For my own peace. For my own quest to be closer to God.

I quoted things from the Bible.

I told him that I resented him.

That I'll never forget how much money I've shelled out, versus him and now I'm dirt poor with nothing to show for it and he is the one with the high paying job.

How he destroyed my self-esteem by incessantly cheating, no matter what I've done

I told him to talk to his father, if he really wants to get his life together. To learn to forgive.

Forgive your father for leaving you, and your mother. Forgive your father for not being there. Forgive him for creating a black hole in your heart that only I know how deep it is and how much it kills you and how much you lie awake at night. Fill the hole with forgiveness.

Because that's what I'm learning to do, forgive.

I'm learning to forgive my mother. For all the years of lacking to love me. To treat me right. To enable a true mother-daughter relationship. For all her resentment and mistreatment. For her neglect. For providing me with a life that will never truly know what its like to have an open, honest, happy relationship with a mother. Regardless of this, I'm learning to forgive.

I'm learning to forgive my friends. Certain people, wasting their lives away. Making nothing for themselves, that I associate myself with and I'm judged, negatively for this association. I'm forgiving them for their lack of desire. For their lack of change. For their overflow of ignorance. For their lack of appreciation. For their lack of regard for their own very lives.

I'm learning to forgive the Ex-Significant. For years of crying. For aiding in destroying my self-esteem. For a web of unnecessary lies and deceit. For destruction of trust. For his lack of core values. For his inability to forgive. For his past. For our past.

I'm learning to forgive myself.

I'm learning to appreciate myself.

I'm not as unattractive as I believe I am. And, yeah, maybe I do have some writing skills I can give myself some credit for..if so many other people enjoy my writing so much. I'm unhappy with my weight, but I don't look as horrific as I tell myself I do. I am funny. I am loyal, and there's nothing wrong with loyalty. I'm learning to stop hating myself. I'm trying to raise my self-esteem. I am creative, and I have an empire I want to build... and what I'm trying to do, I'm learning to tell myself that it's not impossible. I'm learning that even though my mother's presence in my life is only physical, I'll survive and get things done with or without her support. I'm learning it will not kill me to remain single for awhile longer. I'm reminding myself not to give up on true love, and that it's not foolish to still believe in it. I'm learning what its truly like to be abused by someone you love in the shadows and no one on the forefront know about it. I know the difference between love and abuse. I'm learning to forgive my body, and forgive those who think that my curves were only supplied by God for their sexual pleasures. I'm learning that its not ok to allow people to use me as a sexual object. I'm learning to forgive people who judge me by my appearance. Those who say "your face just looks angry no matter what". God gave me this face, and I'm learning that there's nothing wrong with it. Absolutely nothing. I'm more than what people try to force me to believe I am. So much more than that. And I'm learning to forgive those who don't want to know what it is, that makes me, me.

Because after the heart of the matter, all that truly matters is .... forgiveness.

New Jack Update: In One Year's Time

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 05:34:00 PST

I'm trying the best to give myself a time cap. A limit.
Maybe, installing a time cap will place enough pressure under me to get some things moving. I'm starting to realize that I'm too distracted.
Just....too damn distracted by things that as much as they shouldn't matter generally, of course they matter to me and it's not helping me further anything. That's the problem that I need to see. IF I actually got it through my lovesick skull that I'm chasing and getting distracted by things that aren't adding more money to my pocket or getting SFLN or Dulce de Cocoa off the ground and providing exposure to garner more money then...I shouldn't be really chasing after those things.
At least, not right now...
The focus has to be adjusted to doing something brand new...it has to be adjusted and stay fixed.

The issue with me is that, I'm not keeping the focus fixed. I had to vent out so many of my frustrations in Red Kool-Aid because that's exactly what I feel like is going on in my life every minute of the day. The man I want, I can't have. The men I don't want, are roaches and want me. I want to be the girlfriend/wife and people think I'm mistress material. And in all of this, is the frustration that I just love, love and I'm so far away from having any piece or part of it.
Unfortunate as that is, I have to truly dig my heels in and remind myself that this is what its going to have to be for awhile. Not forever....just awhile.

I need money...and I need my career to take off. I need a new car as I'm now officially car-less, and I need an apartment, preferably in Nassau county. These are not things I want, these are things that at 23 years of age I officially need. I need to fucking get my act together. Chasing after the man that I do want, who he's chasing after mainly 3 of "X"amount of women IS NOT going to put money in my pocket, my own apartment in front of me that I'm really, really dying for, nor get my boutiques off the ground, nor put the Pontiac G6 that I need to get around in in front of me either.
Trying to fend off the roaches that assume I'm mistress material or that are not worth my time in general but insist on stalking after me, isn't going to make these things come to fruition for me. I really have to take the sound advice that Joshen has already stated "When you focus your ambition like a laser you can make actual physical tears in your reality." Followed by the advice he gave me directly..."Instead of being the Kool aid that attracts the roaches, become that 200 watt bulb that once on makes all the roaches in the room scatter".
In applying these things, I need to truly alter my reality.

When you look at it, both Drake and Kerin Rose, two people that I admire greatly TRULY altered their reality in approximately ONE year. Drake went from being teased by mainstream folks as the "mulatto" kid from the 'Degrassi TV show' to a MIXTAPE garnering him two Grammy nominations. Not an album...a MIXTAPE.
Kerin Rose, went from living in Long Island very much like myself, making her own sunglasses with a bedazzler gun to having those very same sunglasses being photographed constantly on Rihanna and now living in Manhattan and boutiques begging her to carry her sunglasses.
In One Year's Time.

With the year ending, a horrific year at that, it's truly time to redirect and fixate the focus. I truly, truly hope in one year's time I can say the same success stories about myself. I know what I want point B to be, I just am still stuck at point A.

Not forever...just for awhile.

"Enjoy your times of turmoil, if you make it through you will realize that those days are the ones that lead to your day of glory. During your darkest hour, with your most dire wounds, your only choices are to heal or die."-Joshen

New Jack Update: Red Kool-Aid

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:23:00 PST

"Water doesn't attract roaches, but red flavored kool-aid does though".

This quote was directed at me last night, and to be quite honest I don't know how to feel about it. I do genuinely believe that I need a break from men...after all that's transpired within the last 3 years of The Ex-Significant/MVP and now with the relationship 300% done you can't just jump into something else the following Thursday. I've been single for 3 months now, which is not nearly as long of a break as I need to take, agreed with the general public however at times my feelings for an All-Star consume me.

As much as I feel for him, and part of me agrees he feels for me I'm realizing that I'm starting to fear him. He's not classless like The Ex-Significant was, and there are particular things that I know I would never expect to see from him ever, however he has his own potential to cause me grave pain. Daily, that's becoming more and more knowledgeable.

I know the theory, that you can't find out if something is right for you if you don't 'jump' into the air and see if you're caught. There's a 50% chance you'll be caught, there's also a very prominent 50% chance that you wont be and your skull will be cracked.
What my friendly counter parts seem to not understand is that I'm not pushing, rushing or accelerating anything. I'm truly not. Just because I'm aware that I personally need a break, and I am TAKING one doesn't mean my brain just shuts off and I don't see...it doesn't mean I don't feel anything either.

It doesn't mean that I don't hope or dream. Desire or want.

The simplicity that I know I need a break, I took a minute and stopped sleeping with the men I was sleeping with because I know it wasn't going to do any good. Sleeping with them was only embodying to them that I'm only something worth sleeping with..not more than that. I can't express a general frustration that I have in just the sexual desire part of it because apparently it makes me look bad..like "red koolaid" which "attracts roaches". It recently started to fuck with my head, when someone I know who CLEARLY has a girlfriend )that everyone knows her too)contacted me because he wants to have a side line relationship with me. Mind you, he's not MY friend, he's a friend of someone else that's close to me and we NEVER speak really but he apparently looked at me and felt CONFIDENT enough to contact me because I look like not 'girlfriend' material but great 'mistress' material. No matter how I change my look, physically and no matter how much I don't even speak to put the WRONG image of me out there men always think I'm just mistress material. Women are always threatened and intimidated by me on the assumption that I'm mistress material.

I'm not a mistress or dominatrix, nor do I try to be. It's one thing to do put on a show for the man I'm dating, but I don't apply this to "random nigga number 5".

It's making me sick.

A couple of people told me that long hair adds too much to my sex appeal. Hell in efforts to change things for 2010, I've already cut it all off to underneath my chin to reduce the "sex appeal" if that helps. I've only had it for 2 weeks and I haven't gone out in a public setting to determine whether its helping or not..but people still assume that I'm just perfect mistress material.

It saddens me, and I feel sort of hopeless about the matter. I feel as if I just have to be alone and I can't even generally express my discontent about it without being wrong in some facet. I can't express my loneliness because it makes me look weak. I can't express my sexual frustration because that poises me as a whore. I can't express my sadness because that results in pity and me appearing to be pathetic. I can't dress, act, speak or express in a certain manner because that "attracts roaches".
I went from a couple to being a single woman, and all of a sudden all my freedom of expression about MY situation just got stripped from me.

With love and with my friends, I feel as if I just cannot win.
And apparently all the red kool-aid I'm covered in has got me stuck in a sticky place.

New Jack Update: Setting Up Shop

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 19:18:00 PST

It's as if I've caught fever...
But I guess, it's a fever I don't want to sweat out. But this fever, I tell you, it's lit fire under my skin and made a lot of things move for me.

I was repeatedly given advice to worry about me, and me only for awhile. My feelings for The Ex-Significant as well as just the positioning of others in my life was always too much to make me do just that. And, I'll admit for two months, I didn't. I was 200% worried about The Ex-Significant and an All-Star that I had an insane amount of feelings for, none of the time worrying about myself but more so, what would be the end result. Better put, it was always about what am I going to 'get' not, what's going to happen 'to' me. After two months, you may have to just admit to yourself that your ideas are just not working and maybe it's time to try something different.

So I have...

I've buried myself into the project of finding a job, not necessarily a salaried job, but a decent job that will pay the bills and that I can merrily more than tolerate. In the short span of three weeks of making that my sole focus, I got hired as a full-time account key holder at Perfumania. So far, I like my co-workers, I get paid a base pay as well as make a commission. Enough, if used correctly, to pay my bills and start saving and making my goals come true in 2010. I'm not going to lie, not only me, myself but pretty much all of my friends have had an awful, stressful and corrupt 2009. Job losses, deaths, financial woes that words can't describe, loves lost...the list is too long and it doesn't solely apply to me. I'm using 2010 as a starting over point. Not just an, "oh 2010 is going to be great and who knows what will happen after that". No.
I want 2010 to be the beginning of the rest of my life. In positivity. In abundance. I don't want to work for anyone else, I want to work for myself. Doing what I love. And I want to spend the rest of 2009 just preparing and organizing for the first new day of the rest of my beautiful life. 1/1/10.

There will be setbacks. There will be haters. But, the beauty of my life will not dissipate.

With that being said, I'm going to edit The New Jack. No more frivolous posts.
The New Jack is two years old, and in two years from this post, today I want to see that I've continued to grow and make change. That I've truly come to see the beauty in life. The beauty in every day. That I've helped people. That in some way, I'm assisting putting someone at peace. I don't care how many page views The New Jack gets anymore, because it's not about publicity...it's about life & love. The only two things that truly matter.

So in 2010, The New Jack will get a much simpler face lift....
What will be about publicity wont be my life as The New Jack, but Shoes From Last Night-the online and hopefully, physical shoe boutique that I'm setting up and Dulce de Cocoa-a candy & clothing line that I'm working on simultaneously that will donate proceeds to Action Against Hunger.

All this activity, thought and movement has literally happened in a span of two weeks. It's like I said, its as if I've caught fever. But in actuality, its the best fever I've ever caught. And this is what happens when you apply yourself to you. I have a passion to move. A passion to grow. A passion to change. A passion to assist in change. A passion for my future and the future of others.

So, I'm setting up shop.
Setting up shop for others.
And, setting up shop for my life.

Beyonce Update: Videophone

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:52:00 PST

Featuring Lady Gaga...absolutely and truly amazing....

50 Cent Update: Baby By Me

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:33:00 PST

Featuring Ne-Yo

The only adorable thing 50 Cent has done recently...

2010 Bootcamp

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:23:00 PST

It might be approximately 2 months before New Years, but if there's anything I've been ready for in my life, it's certainly 2010. The year of 2009 can end tomorrow, and it would be the BEST news I've heard during this wretched year.

I've celebrated two years in writing in The New Jack and with age, comes wisdom.

I'm ready to embrace that wisdom.

I'm 23, and during 2010, I'll be turning 24 in April. Recently, my mind was in a really dark place in regards to money, love, plans, family, you name it.

I've had no money, I went from being salaried at a place I despised to being free and happy about that freedom but with $30 in my name meaning "rich". I had finally ended my relationship with The Significant and it was difficult and even trying to have a basic relationship/friendship was worse because we were so angry and hurt but now, slowly, we're getting better and better. I fell for an All-Star that even up to last night, confirmed that he'll never commit to me. I'm heartbroken. The sad part is, the only flaw I find in him is that he won't commit to me. He has all the qualities that I've ever sought out, but can't be faithful to one woman (or at least for right now)-surprise. My mother and I haven't spoken to one another in two weeks. Our relationship has always been a strained and negative one, but these days its scraping the bottle of the barrel. I didn't know that we could get so low..until now. The transmission on my car is dying..a car sold to me by my uncle that I've only had for 4 months. Naturally, he sold me a fucked up car but it waited to fully fuck up just when I'm unemployed and I'm powerless to fix it.

I've realized though in always conversing with a pair of "John" cousins, (love you both with all my heart) that listing and re-listing all the problems in my life is not going to do anything. I need to focus on the good. And if I can't find any good in that present moment, then make good. In efforts to climb out of the dark place I was in, I just started write down a "boot camp" list if you will. A list that if I can accomplish all these things that I've left on the back burner and force myself in an Army like mode to get them done, I'll actually start to feel better and then be able to accomplish another list of things to follow afterwards.

I started to carry a mini notebook with me.. everywhere. A small notebook, with the Oneonta state insignia on it. Every time a remotely came across a thought or a goal and the processes to complete that goal I started to jot it down. There are some things I've beaten myself up about that I haven't completed without truly realizing that I can't get them done without completing some minor steps beforehand. So I started an order. First, the duration of the "boot camp" 11/1/09-12/31/09. I've hated 2009 so much, that I can spend the next 2 months of it distracting myself in immersing myself into the preparation of 2010. Things such as my goal of losing as close to 35 pounds as possible and HOW to do it. Tackling some minor basic work for SFLN such as, domain names and proper logos. Moving my 401K from my former employer to under my watch in my personal INGDirect account. Doing a full body detox program from GNC and not drinking soda or liquor for the next months. Fixing my checking account. Finding a volunteer program to participate in while I'm unemployed. These are just a few things that I've listed in "boot camp" in which I wrote that list in blue ink, everything from very deep and personal to changing my look for the beginning of 2010. I'm even going to take the advice and truly recover from The Significant and The All-Star by being single for awhile and will even be celibate for a minimum of the next two months.

I'm single. It's time to acknowledge it and not be afraid of it.

I followed up that blue-inked boot camp list with a 2010 list. Everything on both lists is very much within reach and can be accomplished it's just a matter of serious application and dedication. The 2010 list I did in black ink, listing all the things I'm trying to accomplish with deadlines & even fall back deadlines based on the goal and the month. Everything from being able to do a side split and how to up my vitamin intake to my real estate license and a newer car.

I feel really positive. I feel ready to do all of this. No sacrifice, no victory

Halloween was amazing and I used it as a tool to get all of the last bit of craziness out of my system so that as of November 1st, especially so that it began on a Sunday, it would be the beginning of it all.

And like I said, I'm ready. Ready to grow up. Ready to start incorporating more positivity in my life. Ready to be healthier. Ready to start throwing some real accomplishments under my belt.

So with that, let boot camp begin.

No sacrifice, no victory

Rihanna Update: Bubble Pop

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:12:00 PST

"Bubble Pop"could be slightly annoying to some, but its a simple, carefree, no-brainer track by Rihanna from the new album, Rated R.

zSHARE - JKMS.mp3

Two Candles Down, Many More to Blow-Happy Birthday New Jack

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:29:00 PDT

October 27th, 2009 was the 2nd birthday of "The New Jack"

I'll admit, in two years I haven't gotten this blog nearly anywhere to the level that I've wanted it to reach. But though I may not have the readership and exposure I seek, I still gained.

I've truly gained a place to lay out all my feelings and all my experiences in the last two years. From jail to freedom, from being coupled up to single-hood and everything in between. My thoughts are deeper, and I still have a lot more growing to do but regardless of which, I've grown. From a 21 year old who just came out of college with a multitude of instant expectations to a 23 year old who finally understands that love is all that truly matters in this world.

In the last two years, I've had few solid plans. I used to believe you just do, and as long as you do you should just receive; but, I'm older now and a bit wiser. I know a couple things now about work ethic..about love...about trust...about pain...about how to rebound.

The thing that I'm proud of most is that this blog has given me the opportunity to rebound.Two years ago, this same person let the issues of her world destroy her. Now this person may get weakened by it, but always knows in the back of her mind there's a way to rebound.

Two years...

Two candles down...many more to blow...

Teyana Taylor Update: Dope Lips

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:39:00 PDT

I'm not a fan of Teyana Taylor, but I am obsessed with makeup.

I'm pretty certain I'll be testing out her new line to come of lip glosses, "Dope Lips"

3Oh!3 Update: Starstrukk

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:32:00 PDT

Featuring Katy Perry

New Jack Update: Stalker Tactics

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:20:00 PDT

There has to obviously be something I'm missing...some correlation between the two that I just don't see...

These days my family is insistent upon things I don't see and apparently that I'm doing that is detrimental to myself.

I don't see them, or at least, not all of them. That's honesty.

This is a door

This is a window..

They're points of entry way to one's home and if used correctly they provide a non-coerced entry into ones home. When denied entry, they can be used against the owner of the home in the fits of a forced entry.

Maybe, I'm not ready for this...for him..

There are no doubts in my mind that I want the All-Star and that he would be an ideal man for me, however..as a single man if you cant control your chickens then one should clean out the coop.

Just a thought.....

I don't do stalkers. Surprise visits-at least by parties that should know its not their place to surprise me, because I actually LOVE surprises; Doorbells ringing 4 times at minutes to 2am; People who wait outside of peoples homes, etc.
This is the correlation: The one human that I loathe, my mother, as much as she didn't raise me because we have no connection with one another she inadvertently trained my mind that I'm too good to chase after any man on this planet. A combination of my looks, intelligence and pride is too much for me to stalk any man. Any. And though I have grown to despise her more, we both share the same sentiment of confusion when women stalk men. WORSE so, if this man is not your husband.
It's something that leaves my mind truly blank.
The only thing that fills the space is that the more I draw close to this man, the more I feel and I'm throwing myself at him, meanwhile he's throwing himself at everyone else.

All of us chickens in the coop get fed, but some are apparently laying golden eggs, some of them just plain white eggs and I'm failing to produce at all. We're all aware that we're part of a coop..all "97" of us "chickens" but the name of the game is who is going to be the farmer's favorite.

Or in the end will the Farmer just pick a pig instead..
All it evokes in me is fear.

I don't know if I should be more fearful of the other chickens trying to pluck my feathers off one by one, or of knowing that I'm not the only chicken that the Farmer wants is just as painful as grabbing a handful of my feathers at one time. Or should I fear like the other chickens that he may not choose any of us, but a totally different animal..one we've never saw coming.

And as I laid awake, hearing a chicken ring door bells, and wait outside of a home in full on stalker mode to get to the farmer..I fought my tears.
Tears of gratefulness that maybe, Mother dear was good for something besides destroying my soul-she made me too prideful to call a man back more than once, to ring doorbells and wait outside homes.. Tears of guilt, that someone has to feel something for the Farmer the way I do..to stalk. Tears of anger and frustration that if I ever became the chosen chicken, will it always be a life of someone lurking around in efforts to pluck all my feathers?

But I didn't cry in front of the Farmer..I won't open up my soul that much until a soul is opened up to me; a mistake I've made too many a time before. And I didn't cry driving home, even though the heat of my tears brimming burned my eyes.

But I cry now, at home.
Upon entry, after a fight with my mother, upstairs behind a closed door, I can cry now.

Cry over losing her.
Cry over always being left in the coop.
Cry in absolute fear.

I can cry now.

New Jack Update: Storyline

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:13:00 PDT

I'm done.
Officially.

Over the last two months, I've undergone a vast amount of stress. Between losing my job, trying to recover from the anger, frustration, sadness and confusion from the job in the first place, trying to relax and hear my own self think for just 5 whole minutes, ending my three year relationship with The Significant, meeting an All-Star that I'll never fully call my own, learning how to be hard with my heart, learning to be alone-first without men and then without anyone, being called a lush, and a home life that only half of me wants......I'll say that I've had my fair share of stress.
All these stresses have actually broken me down way more than they have built me up..

They say diamonds are built under pressure,maybe I'm not a diamond because pressure has the exact adverse effect on me.

After nearly two months and a full two week hiatus from people, a small part of me feels like I'm recovering but every time I start to recover, leave it to my mother-my arch nemesis to break me back down to nothing. No matter what anyone has to say to me, she has made it as such as that she is the antagonist in my story line from beginning to end of my entire book.
At 23 years of age, I've fully given up on the arch nemesis and I, the protagonist, ever joining mutual forces to take out some unknown enemy like a deep episode of Power Rangers.

The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind - Dr Dwayne Dyer

If that is so, then why is it that I've always wanted a normal, sane relationship with the one person that everyone insists I'm supposed to be closest to..but every attempt I make, its always combated. Where is the reflection of what I want? A normal, peaceful relationship.

I've always been told, "Don't say that you hate people, hate is too strong of a word and no one should hate anyone, it's always better to use the term dislike".
But I wonder more and more, as I grow..if hate is really too strong of a word. I'm sick of being cut down to nothing. I'm sick of everything. And what I'm sick of most of all, is being blatantly hated by a woman and being told I'm not allowed to hate back. I understand its a sick cycle, but I'm sick of what I feel like is almost near persecution. Not physically, anymore at least, but mentally. For as far back as I could remember, maybe even random pieces of ages 4 and 5 she's always mentally persecuted me.

..And why..

What could I have done at age 4 besides, exist to be mentally persecuted so?

In every story, the antagonist has a hatred for the protagonist and that's what fuels the antagonist's reasoning for persecuting the protagonist. I don't want her to be my enemy, but she insists upon it.

Insists upon it.....

After awhile, the protagonist can only be persecuted for so long before they too develop their own hatred for the antagonist...their own hatred for why they are being persecuted..why they are being chased, harmed, threatened, stressed...

The constant story line....
Snow White versus the Queen
Super Mario versus Bowser
Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort

It makes me always want to pull away into a hiatus away from everyone or run to everyone in efforts to never be in the same house as the antagonist.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of running.
There are no more mushrooms for Mario to power me up...no more witch spells to cast or learn if I were Harry Potter..

I'm just tired. So dead exhausted, I wish someone truly understood.
Sometimes, people assume I'll be in bed from sun up to sun down because of my thyroid, and whereas that may be true, on some days..it's just her. Just the knowledge that it'll always be the antagonist versus the protagonist.

It's an on going game. And it won't end until one of us dies.

And then, it's game over.

Game Over.

Rihanna Update: Russian Roulette

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:14:00 PDT

Album: Rated R in stores November 23rd

I Am

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:28:00 PDT

Today is October 16th, 2009..my last entry was September 30th.

"Sometimes, having a big heart leads to an even bigger shield around it. However, keeping a sword is completely optional".

I am broken.
I am broken.
I am broken.
I am the owner of a big heart.
I am a carrier of a thyroid disorder.
Maybe, I am a lush.
I am tired.
I am cranky.
I am cold.
I am officially depressed.
I am a clown, wearing a smile when I want to do everything but smile.
I am sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I am open.
I am closed.
I am dying.
I am falling apart.
I am lonely.
I am afraid.
I am running.
I am standing still.
I am going through the motions.
I am trying to progress.
I am failing.
I am successful.
I am weak
I am weak.
I am weak.
I am strong.
I am strong
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am sick.
I am sick.
I am needy.
I am angry.
I am angry.
I am angry.
I am alone.
I am a writer.
I am a genius.
I am lost.
I am creative.
I am messy.
I am growing.
And it's true, I am lacking in self-belief
I am feeling defeated.
I am frustrated.
I am empty but I am full in that I am in pain.
I am stubborn.
I am opinionated.
I am struggling.
I am a fighter.
I am easily hurt.
I am easily distraught.
I am a believer in love.
I am avid in not supporting vengeance.
I am not at peace.
However, I am me.
Whatever I believe I am, I am being that me to the fullest extent.

I am hurting.
I am hurting.
I am hurting.

The hurt surrounds me day and night and reinforces the reasoning behind why I keep a set-a shield and sword. My shield is still up, and at the moment, thicker than it has been in the past only because I hurt so very much..but I AM working on putting my sword down.

I AM working on putting it down.

Consequence Update: Whatever U Want

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 13:12:00 PDT

Featuring Kanye West & John Legend

New Jack Update: I Just Hide Behind The Tears of a Clown

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 08:26:00 PDT

"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful...just stay true to you.."

I'm finding that the prospect of me staying true to me, when it's absolutely most necessary to my brain that I need to be, is becoming single-handedly the hardest thing my heart has had to do these days.

It's always been instilled to me that its imperative that one stays true to their most inner being, the soul, the representative of self. It's always been construed that when one doesn't do as such that they can ..seemingly lose themselves,in the worst way. In some cases, literally, look at some mental patients. My fear is that, I'm on the road to losing myself.

I'm terrified to be alone with my own feelings right now. Worse so terrified to be alone with my own pain. It seems that the more I don't want to be alone with my own pain and feelings, it seems the more I am. I spoke to my BFF recently about my reluctance to even speak with her on the matters at hand that currently fog my brain..in the last couple months she's delegated some tough love that I don't need in the least right now. I need a more nurturing spirit at this time, as if...nurturing something inside of me. It's as if, all this pain and all these feelings swirling inside me are brewing something..or conjuring up a beast of sorts within an egg inside me. Taking that outlook, I feel that the more tough love I get, is only going to nurture the egg the wrong way..and when it hatches, God help everyone if that's the case. I feel that if I were to come across more nurturing spirits, whatever comes out of this "egg" when I heal will be for the better. I don't know if anyone truly grasps how fragile I currently am.

Everyone deems me as "the strong one" and this is the second time I've ever felt so weak in my entire life. The same powerless, fragile, empty floating feeling I had when my grandmother passed. Everyone showered me with the same, "But Deidre, you've always been the strong one" then why do I feel like I'm dying.

Why do I feel like I'm losing pieces of my soul entirely...
Why do I feel as if I'm trying to make a better me, and the circumstances have been flipped in such a direction that instead of thinking outside the box..I'm trapped in it..
Why do I cry everyday..
Why do I not sleep at night..
Why does one man I wanted have nothing in his life together, and the current man I want have everything in his life together but doesn't solely want me..
Why am I hiding from my best friend, and myself all at the same time..

I'm so alone. Partly in truth, and partly by choice. People want to help me, others want me to just man up when I simply currently cannot and no one can help me all at the same time.

I'm aware of everything and nothing at the same time. The only thing I feel like I'm truly knowledgeable of..is how much pain and how depressed I am. I might acknowledge it publicly via Twitter here and there, in which my best friend and I even got into something about that the other day..but out of everything I don't know, I do I'm in a lot of pain. I do know that when I'm out with friends, I fight to not have a breakdown and in truth, "I just hide behind the tears of a clown". The pain of wanting and needing so much on so many various levels and having nor in close reach of any of it. That's whats knowledgeable to me. That's what I feel around the clock.

But I still laugh. I still crack all the good jokes in public. That's what clowns do as long as their makeup is on, the show must go on.

And I wonder...if "I'd be one tough act to follow"then why do the men in my life fuck up so much..
If "I'd be one tough act to follow"..then why do people see it so necessary to hurt me until I leave them..

With all the clown makeup on, I wonder how much longer until my face paint cracks..

Though I've hit The Turning Point, I've again found it hard to remember sometimes that all my struggles are for a reason. I'm not overcoming them, they're taking over my body.
Taking over me in the same symbiotic fashion that Venom did Spiderman...

Spiderman prevailed at the end realizing that soundwaves of a bell were able to pull the symbiont off of him..
Where is my bell to ring..because I'm more than knee deep in Venom..

Drake Update: Forever

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 07:14:00 PDT

Featuring: Kanye West, Lil' Wayne and Eminem

Amerie Update: Heard Em All

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 07:01:00 PDT

New Jack Update: The Pleasure Principle

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 05:09:00 PDT

Maybe, it's a bit harder than I think it all is...

I'm not trying to discourage myself but maybe this is going to be way harder than I thought. I truly thought I found the motivation I so needed to do all the "get right" plans I had laid out and I'm thinking it all over slowly and realizing maybe I haven't. At least, the love portion of it all....

The All Star left a slightly bad taste in my mouth as I've been detecting a lack of sincerity from him. It's like an ode to New Jack..minus the ode. In the midst of all this I truly am missing The Significant (or newly donned, the MVP if you will) but I know it's not the right time.

I've found the All Star to be confusing...and afraid of commitment. One minute he wants to be the best of friends, the next he wants to be my everything. 85% of the time when I think of him, I think of him as being my everything. I can't imagine sometimes just a friendship with him. We fit each other way too well and I have the sixth sense that he's just right for me then again, if he didn't have so many complications within himself..
But who am I to call it complications if one is comfortable with their situation. The All Star has made it clear to me he's content-he wants no commitment at this time & simultaneously is making his..rounds if you will. I currently hold the position of 1 of 4 women that is sharing him. Something that drives me up the wall and back down, as in my faulty childhood, sharing is something I never did...no need to start sharing now. I feel such a depth with him that I truly haven't felt with anyone. An abillity to reveal myself and not be a fault, not be concerned about opinions and incessantly apologize for who I am, an abilitiy to not hide myself. What I experience in terms of depth and speech is truly something I've yet to experience with any man or woman. It's a whole nother playing field. The times I have to apologize for how i feel, the constant misconstrued thoughts, no one who can directly relate with a lot of what I feel or have to say..it exists in him. Let's not even begin to add on that his head is actually on straight..he's had his own apartment since the age of 20, and is currently talking to real estate to get a house to say the least.

I guess it make you wonder why a house is necessary if you have no one to put in it..or maybe that's my confusion, cause he has plenty of us women to put in the apartment..
We spoke about so much in person last night and thought it was a good conversation..but it basically ended in, I am special to him, but he's not going to cmmit ot me and it's my choice alone if I don't want to to deal with being "1 of 4" or more..
Alas, he tells me he'd treat me no different, his feelings would change not..

But what about mine..

What about the notification that this person is mirror image perfect to match me and I'll never have them. Or to have them I have to have a small army attached to him at the same time. Again, sharing wasn't my forte as a child..

At the same time that my heart aches that I will never truly have the All Star, The Significant, I just miss him terribly. Sometimes, I don't think I miss him nearly as much as I do and then today, just the sound of his voice makes me want to cry in an agony that I wish to someone I could fully explain. An emptiness that I sit and hold my knees to my chest..for an hour and just rock back and forth..
Sometimes an emptiness that I don't feel hunger, or rather don't know when to stop eating..
Its an emptiness that I cast my eyes downward regularly and actually feel the space within my chest every single time I take a deep breath in..
I watch cartoons until 3..4 am. Or I sleep early, 9-10PM and awake at 2 or 3am wishing he was in the same bed as me and will be awake until 4..5..sometimes even 6am. My sleeping patterns are destroyed. I thought I knew what exhaustion was..until a combination of my thyroid not being controlled with medication and general lack of sleep over him begun. I thought I knew what exhaustion was...THIS is exhaustion. But I torture myself in pain, in hopes that I will one day get the pleasure with The Significant that I want...the principle of the matter..

At the end of the day..I guess it's all the pleasure principle.

The All Star seeks pleasure himself without regard, in order for him to have it with me, and I in turn have it with him I have to accept that I'll never have this man. It'll be a sweet dream and beautiful nightmare all at the same time. To touch something, to hold something, to feel something and to look something directly in the eyes and know that it will never ever be solely yours. But in efforts to keep pleasure, I torture myself in pain at the same time. I question if my tolerance for pain is high only because of the pleasure principle involved. Does it make me temporarily forget how much pain I'm slowly entering into? The pleasure of a freedom within myself that I've never experienced and don't want to let go of, is it worth all the pain that I might soon embark. The shackles of pain and restrictions on myself within just my friendships has been enough to drive my ideals to moving to California..and yet now, I've finally found it. A man, that I slowly could be falling for who accepts me wholeheartedly for me as no one on this planet has..and I'm going to torture myself for pleasure.
Even though, to him sometimes much to my confusion, I might be just a sex object. I'm sorry that I fail to understand "you are special to me"..and I have a toothbrush at his apartment, but there are never any less than 4-5 toothbrushes in that same bathroom.

I am not a sex object. My heart beats and I feel.

And to the All Star, whatever the reasoning is that you're terrified to commit and feel the need to be engaged with 4 women at one time:

"I'm not here to feed your insecurities..I wanted you to love me".-Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson - The Pleasure Principle
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

New Jack Update: Get Right

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:03:00 PDT

I'm trying to focus on doing just that...
Getting Right...

From the men in my life to my health, I am focusing all my energy that way. I did a lot of thinking over the weekend....

In terms of the male thing, I have it pretty much figured out. I know that I can't be with The Significant at this moment because he needs to get his life together. Likewise, the All Star has no desire to comitt to anything that doesn't involve less than 4 women at a time, so I'm enjoying his company and not getting trapped under any circumstances. I'm relaxing...missing The Significant, at times, but relaxing nonetheless.

In terms of work, I've been booking more modeling gigs than ever. I'm turning some things down because I'm being selective. I have a vision and I'm trying to stick with that vision. There are small hindrances, like my laptop is currently dying and I need to drop 35 pounds but don't have the money to eat healthy. Despite the set backs and that its taking me forever to type this post, I'll truck along still. Something is going to break through and I will have a Macbook pro 13" and I will maybe not lose 35lbs but tone myself to exactly where my body is fully perfect.

I'm loving that I have the opportunity to write so much more now, I just want it to get the right exposure. I'm starting to run..and of course, this isn't the best time in my mind to start since the winter is around the corner but its better to be doing it than to not do it at all. I've been reading a lot of health magazines, listening to a lot of Dr. Oz and just realizing that this thyroid disorder is something I may have gotten myself into from body/diet/nutritional neglect. I don't have health insurance so I have to find a way to sustain my health on my own accord. I've also begun re-reading Joel Osteen's book to keep my mind focused on the turning point, and after I get some finances straight then hopefully I want to do my first two week trip to California. I would love to do it mid October..

Just just a lot of random things that I feel as if I've finally sorted out. Men, food, life, work, play, finances, future finances, living space, family, friends and more. Now that I've sorted it all out I have to use what I know and officially get right....

Jennifer Lopez ft Fabolous - Get Right (Hip-Hop Remix)
by Schutzengerl1205

New Jack Update: Going Back to Cali

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:51:00 PDT

I've been thinking...

Needless to say, anyone who knows the depth in which I function I am an over thinker to a fault.

I stated in Deep Inside of You that:

Turmoil and conflict exist...they are indeed a necessary evil.

Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.

I'm starting to feel an indirect mixture of the two levels, in which I refuse to sit back and be comfortable in.
This time, I'm going to seek a near permanent solution for it.

In recent analysis of the groups of friends I keep, the conflict that exists-unnecessarily along with the combination of personality traits and behaviors I have come to the conclusion that I will forever be in this complex position if I do not remove the people who cause the issues or remove myself. I personally, have accepted the Summer of 2009 to be a blessing as the true colors of many have doth been revealed. Without that revelation, I would be in a miserable state of mind. The combination of these revelations, the inability of many to anything Brand New and even acceptance levels that it is what it is I have chosen to remove myself.

In order for me to excel in The Turning Point I have to acknowledge that there is a REASON why things don't change. People don't change. Situations don't change. Feelings don't change. I'm tired of things not changing. I'm tired of having to expect particular behavior and I'm tired of having to settle for less than my mind is worth.

With that being said, I'm investigating a four to six month live-in in California.

I already have someone to live with, I just need to come up with the money. I've always heard New Yorker celebrities state that they never got discovered until they picked up and moved to California and likewise, Californians have always said the same regarding their careers until they moved to New York. The same circle of drama is not progressing my life any further forward, it's just diverting my attention from chasing my own greatness.

And that, is not what I need in the least.

I can only hope, as there is a reason for everything, that when I pick up and move the people I left behind grow. I can only pray for their growth, not coerce it. I'm too fed up of the same excuses, same explanations and same old drama. As tired as I am just like in The Turning Point, I have to accept the reason. Maybe, me being so sick of what is constantly going on is the kick in the ass I needed to move on.

Who knows?
Or maybe, I'll find out as soon as I get to Cali.........

New Jack Update: The Starting FIVE

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:10:00 PDT

Some SLICES of cake will give you food poisoning, OTHERS are so good that they hit home when you eat them..however, after awhile SOME OF the TOO good SLICES might just give you CAVITIES if you overindulge.

Think about it....

Your main issue will be that cavities of the heart, similar to canker sores of the mouth doth spread if the infection itself is left untreated.

Love is indeed the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer, however, love is also known to be infectious. There is a power that love can use to captivate and hold us that we can spread to one another, just as easily if we were to spread hate.
Love being infectious as it is..I'm coming to truly realize that I've been infected for quite some time now and maybe it's time to slowly being cleaning up all the wounds that I've half patched up. When you cover up wounds with band-aids before putting an ointment on first, the wounds take double as long to heal.

I want to be fully healed.

No more patching.

In order to stop patching up wounds left by solely The Significant I've initiated a starting 5, if you will. Assembled a team of "basketball"players of men, possible suitors, that are ranked in order of what they do for me-mentally as well as physically.

The MVP is The Significant. The MVP, standing for "Most Valuable Player" is the one of the five I should be willing to drop all other 4 members of the team for. The MVP is the one you think is THE one. You feel your entire team might as well collapse without his presence. How does a coach successfully win a game without the MVP to lead the remaining team members?

The All-Star: The All-Star pick is the second to the MVP. When the MVP fails, the All-Star is who I turn to. Focused and driven, the All-Star is the favorite draft pick of mine as well as my friends who know about him. Many suggest that the All-Star be moved up into MVP status, but the All-Star doesn't move because as a player he hasn't proven himself fully to the Coach. He's a fan favorite...he still has work to do for the Coach.

The remaining 3: My Point-Guards & Shooter: The remaining 3 members of my team can be fillers. They do indeed serve purpose...weekend love, movies, dinner etc. in some far instances, even sex. Sex is usually set for only the all-star & MVP if the MVP is causing problems. Sex goes to the Shooter primarily over the Point-Guards. The remaining 3 don't usually elevate from this level because they're lacking something major-mostly mental/emotional support. They're usually good for just a good time...financially, parties, a hand to hold at the movies, a dinner date that you don't pay for...

My current issue is...after 3 whole years, I might have just come across the courage to release the MVP from his contract. The MVP IS my favorite player. He's usually always held the coach down, and I'm always rooting for him. However, when an MVP realizes that they hold an elevated position over the other players, they get the most time on the court and that they're the highest paid in the league..they get spoiled. They don't carry the same determination and drive that they had when they were playing ball looking and begging to be drafted. They get lazy. Expectant of the free hotel rooms, money & try to pick up as many other women as they can because they KNOW how valuable they are. It all goes to their head & they're too quick to pull out their contract & show the Coach the rider lists with requests and demands but with no current work for show...it's too much talk back.

As the fan favorite, everyone is rooting for the All-Star to be promoted to the MVP position. However, what many don't realize is that he hasn't proven his weight to the Coach. Yes, he comes through in the clutch when the MVP is exhausted and racks up the points I need, however he's not a stable steady worker as the MVP is signed to be. All-Star picks have a tendency to get so cocky since they know that they're fan favorites. They know what to do, and what to say to get their way with the fans and they seem to believe they have the Coach wrapped around their finger the same way they have the fans. The Coach always knows the true motives of a player...

So after I release the MVP, do I just remain MVP-less? Or knowing the intentions of the All-Star are not all true, do I sign a promotion contract or just leave the All-Star playing his current position?