The New Jack

Take Care

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 14:53:00 +0000

I'm going to voice a negative, express my feelings here in my forum and move on. I've become over the last 5 years an entirely different woman-mentally and emotionally and I won't allow that to be stripped of me or allow myself to be moved backwards.

The subject of being someones "party pal" to me over the last year has lost its "sense" to me. In the beginning, I stood by and used the term frequently but as I continue to evolve as an adult the significance has been lost. I don't need or intend to use individuals for the sake of partying. As I become more cultured, try new things and go to new places I've partied less and therefore don't need to have individuals with me FOR that sake.

I also have analyzed and decided that I too will not be demeaned by being referred to as a party pal either. If that's the case, the "friends" are two individuals wasting each other's time. If I need to have someone on my arm, to go to a club, bar, etc and that's their sole existence in my life? I will buy a fucking bracelet. That can sit on my arm or be my accessory. Nor will I be used to be someone elses accessory to and when they need it- my time, my car, my conversation, my jokes, my presence.

I won't.

My time, my presence,etc is worth much more than that and it should be shared with people who actually want me around in their life or actually care about me instead of using me around to maybe fill a void or satisfy their selfish nature and then discard of me. Especially as far as I've come over the years as an individual I know my worth, and won't have it demeaned by anyone. As I see more, do more and revolutionize myself, I see the great in my future and to those who do just use me now, I trust that the Lord will discard of them and bring the right people into my life. People who appreciate me, care about me, genuinely want my presence in their life, people I can thoroughly trust and have real valid friendships through. Not simply the shallow friendships I see and hear all of my previous friends state they have- "dinner buddies only", "party pal only", "there when I need a ride","buys me drinks at the bar", etc. Its such a waste of time to have individuals that only fit those bills in your life.

I want only people that will actually be happy for me when I get pregnant again, people I know will come visit when I move out of my hometown, or would be at my housewarming. The type of friends who throw you a surprise bachelorette party and everyone of them is worthy of being your bridesmaids. The friends that you can actually talk about your life with and not just have weak surface conversations with. If I need surface conversations, I will talk to co-workers or a stuffed animal or the cashier at Home Depot.

Simply, don't waste my time. Time is so precious to me. Things that have happened in the last 4 years of me writing in the blog-if you start from beginning through now it would blow your mind. I work so much during the week that the weekends feel like a total of 10 minutes...time is too precious to me. So as I don't waste others' time because time means so much to me, don't waste mine.

Its unkind.

And those who I don't even consider worth anything-at all, never was that close with and one in particular who has had no class in public forum, just take care. I don't know why you've been in my life for so long, taking up space, wasting my precious time, being one of two extremes: loud, annoying, classless and rude or being useless and breathing in my air, just take care. The classless ones, sometimes really burn me to the point of me wanting to say "fuck you and take care" but the other innocent ones who are friends with me only because of their connections to others-take care. You're not here FOR me, you're only here because of my friendship with someone else-don't do me any favors, go about your life, I wish you well-take care of yourself. Take care of your family, and your real friends only stop creating false, shallow friendships because someone else is connected to someone. The classless crew, I'm not worried about you guys. I'm not fuckin with you guys whatsoever so again, fuck you and take care.

Whether I have to move from this alone and start anew, or whether the friends of my past read this and actually get it and real friendships are re-established...I wish everyone to Take Care. I narrowed my cell phone contacts last night from 412 into the 50's. I'm ready to start anew alone if need be or for only real friends to step it up and step forward.

Let's do this for real or let's just fucking not. Either way, each and everyone of you are your OWN person and will have different decisions regarding me as I will with each every individual one of you. At the end of the day, Take Care.

Seriously, no malicious feelings.

Truthfully.

Take Care.

25

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 15 May 2011 22:01:00 +0000

I'm back at Argyle Lake-2 days after my 25th birthday. I'm truly not sure what it is that I'm feeling exactly, but I would be lying if I said 25 feels..different.
It may sound silly, but it feels wiser if wisdom had a specific tingle of a feeling. In my mind, I'm reviewing my wardrobe and things that I've held on to for sentimental feelings, I'm starting to realize I won't ever wear again. I feel as if its "childish".

So is that it? Has my youth officially come to an end?

If that's the case, I feel a bit nervous. I will never be a size 4 again, or have I actually acquired enough information to carry me into adulthood? I know nothing of stocks and bonds, or how to move my existing 401k account into an IRA something I actually need to do. I suddenly feel the need to be in control of my health-especially stress wise. I've stressed over many equally relevant and irrelevant situations in the last 4 years that I'm sure hasn't added anything positive to my well being. A lot of the worst situations (an arrest, miscarriage) in my life are truly in the past. What exactly do I have left to stress over? Yes, indeed I'm unemployed and much more but I'm truly coming into the "wisdom" that the stress I put upon myself hasn't garnered me an interview or salary package, so its absolutely pointless. I do look at some younger counterparts and say to myself "had I done things differently-didnt stress this bad relationship, didn't fight with this friend, just apologized, just did the presentation" my life would be positively altered by this point. At least though I can say, I don't have to continue living life with regrets. I stop now and ask myself about every minute detail-"what do YOU want, do YOU want this" before proceeding. Making the decisions or not feeling as if its being made FOR me is such an amazing comfort.

I have to stress less and do more. I have to experience and see more. I feel a little nervous about being as old as in my own mind 25 is but at least I'm ready to make the transition into 25 and happy.

Becoming a Joyologist

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 21:22:00 +0000

I've been taking subtle peace in my surroundings.

It's been hard, especially being aware of all the things that have been against me in the last month, year and in my eyes, four years total. The year I started writing The New Jack was 2007-based on turmoil.

Changing your thinking, reinforcing positivity into your life is actual work. In four years, I've truly come to believe that. As someone who suffers from depression and have hit my lowest points of life, all reflected in this blog, positivity is not something that comes in the mail to you, for free, with no work on your behalf.

Turning 25 years old in only four days, everything that has happened to this point of my life has taken work or it's been the direct resultant of lack thereof. I have a huge fear of failure, and it's held me back from a lot for the last four years. Slowly and daily as I come into these realizations and work at the change of thinking, the other work becomes to not feel sorry for yourself. Realize all the time wasted and make plans and efforts now as to not waste anymore time in negativity.
I used to believe that becoming a socialite or holding a famous position would ultimately become the source of the joy that I've been seeking all along. None of those things are needed.
If you need an occupation that doesn't pay cash to fulfill your life, its to become a "joyologist".

Creating your own sense of joy, constantly with its upkeep requires work. It's not just 9-5, Monday through Friday. It's an all the time job. Sometimes, I falter with the work, but the thing is that I haven't been willing to commit to the position for all this time. I haven't been willing to do the 24/7 work involved. Yes, some things are truly beyond my control and my thoughts about it just might not be able to switch to positive ones. However, there are so many other thoughts, beliefs, out-loud sayings that all start with me and how I alter the universe around me. There are so many ways to look at one thing and I haven't been opening my mind, mouth or heart to some positive views on certain things.
And it all goes back to the fear of failure I've had since graduating college in 2007. I've realized in fear of failure, I've created an allergy to hard work within myself. Even if it's for my benefit.

I feel so empowered. So ready once again, to commit. I'm truly realizing more and more the depth, seriousness and reasoning behind my problems and I'm committing not to fear anymore but to work.
When you get hired, and receive a title you also commit to the job itself. So I'm committing to all these titles: daughter, best friend, sister, a one-time mother, niece, cousin, boutique owner, lover, worshiper and now, joyologist.

And though none of these positions pay cash, I've never felt so rich. It feels good to be employed again....

Gratitude List 4/8/11

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 15:25:00 +0000

I'm going to back track seeing as I haven't written anymore lists since 4/3 so here goes:

For finally seeing "Eat, Pray, Love"-the movie definitely opened my eyes significantly
For having the guts to put my foot down about the scenario with the All-Star-we're still communicating, we're still very in love, but I need to get my OWN stuff together for me and I also want to date around a little bit to make sure of my likes and dislikes. I don't think he's fully ready for a girlfriend either and instead of forcing this to work and creating animosity-let's casually date one another and others and see how it goes. If we're supposed to be together the way we want to be, things WILL come together.
For having my boutique, Shoes From Last Night-I've neglected it thoroughly in the last couple weeks stressing myself over things that I've elaborated on the most recent posts but I need to stop running from the idea that this boutique may not become anything and be grateful that when I need something TO DO I have a boutique that I can work on.
For my Blackberry still working. I haven't had enough money and/or job to buy a new phone and this Blackberry is in pieces and its STILL holding on. I'm so grateful, for if it would stop working tomorrow, I would be phone-less. Period. I have no funds to pay my bills, let alone replace a cell phone.
For focusing on gluing on individual eyelashes as I've seen in the salon and sticking with doing it until I did my first full fringe that can last up to two weeks. The salon I go to in Lindenhurst charges $25-$35 for the pairing done-the lashes themselves cost $3.50 and the glue another $7. So for $10, I can do what they do for me, FOR MYSELF all the time. Whenever I want. There's a triumph in doing something FOR YOURSELF.
For being 20-some odd pages away from finishing "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" this book is SUCH an eye opener. I've seen so much of MY faults in this book and reasoning's behind them and I don't feel SORRY for myself. Instead, I've cried it all out and have been acknowledging my faults and where there is room for improvement and one step at a time I'm making more conscious decisions in my love life and as a woman on a whole. I'm taking pride in accomplishing things for myself and not having a relationship define my worth.
For the event, www.theglossyparty.com that selected my boutique to be a part of it on May 1st in Manhattan. If I really get everything together, this could be a real jump off point for my boutique.
For spending two days at the All-Star's house...just cuddling with a dog. I used to loathe dogs...and his dog is the smallest, fluffiest, sweetest thing...its almost like having a fluffy baby. After defining the terms with the All-Star, it was a little morose at first, lots of tears, but the way our relationship-friendship and love is, every thing is fine. The boundaries are in effect and nothing has deteriorated and when I did feel sad about it I was just grateful to have someone to cuddle with. That dog did the trick.
For the All-Star's kitchen, allowing me the space to cook two days this week. Even if it was only twice it was so nice to turn up the radio and just focus on making the meal itself and really get into it.

There we go.....off to work on www.shoesfromlastnight.com

Trying Something-Gratitude List 4/3/11

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 00:04:00 +0000

So....
After multiple, multiple, multiple meltdowns over the last two months, increasing in depression especially over the last three weeks-I'm trying something.
I have no solutions to any of my problems and the feelings remain the same as they have since November that I would really like to die. I still don't see a purpose or reason why I exist except to suffer.
So figuring I have no solutions, my best friend suggested I try something just for her. Whether I like it, agree with it, motivated or not and no matter how minuscule. She wants me to take 10 minutes of each day and write a gratitude list. Even if the things on there seem silly, just to try it out seeing as I can't mark it a "failure" if I haven't even tried it yet.

I do feel a little bit foolish because I just want to die. I just don't get anything and would rather be done with "life". But for her sake, I'm just going to try this no matter how dumb I may feel.

Today's gratitude list-4/3/11
Today I'm grateful for the following: my hello kitty robe from her because the heating in my bedroom was off and the robe provided INSTANT warmth, my multi-vitamins that taste disgusting but somehow make me feel physically stronger on the days I do take them, being able to write a check from my account for offering/tithe for church even though approximately $1.58 will be in my account once the check clears on Wednesday, the sun coming through my skylight because rainy days make me feel down and causes the roof to leak, the availability to nap after breakfast as depression has made me an insomniac and I'm exhausted in the mornings...or rather all the time including right now, for the manicure my best friend paid for yesterday-i originally turned it down but she insisted and every time I look at my hands I feel a bit prettier, for the chicken dinner I'm currently consuming as breakfast cause there's nothing else around but at least its a meal.

That's all I can think of in this moment. Don't feel any different but I did it.

All of the Lights

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 15:12:00 +0000

I have a lake I sit at, in the town of Babylon. Its actually located at Babylon's Long Island Railroad stop. The entire span of the lake is covered in lights. Its quite the view all the time, even when the lights are not activated during the daytime.

Surrounding the lake are enormous, rich houses and of course more ducks than anyone can imagine. I come here all the time. I mean, all the time. Its the one place I feel as if I can actually figure things out.
I'm wondering about the light within myself.

As I've been reading "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives", and acknowledging that the source of my feelings is lack of dreams and low self-esteem. I'm starting to analyze everything and truly wonder if its not that I don't have dreams, but if the dreams I possess are actually not achievable. From the roadblocks that I constantly experience in relationships, when the dream is to settle down already to the e-boutique I started nearly two years ago and has slightly picked up but I'm not sure what it can actually become. Do I want it to become a full scale boutique where I have inventory and the whole nine yards? Where in the hell would I get the money to finance such a thing. Its not that I don't have the dreams its just I see no way of them coming to pass so I start to see them as pointless even though I still want them. I want to move out to Nassau county so badly, get a small condo and start paying it off to own it.

I don't even have a job. I don't even have a car.

I want to learn about wines, and have my own cellar of exotic types. I want to learn this year how to become a good cook and practice making great dinners for company I wish to entertain or a man that might come into my life as a significant other. I don't have my own kitchen or space to operate as such. Let alone the funds to be spending on a list of ingredients to "try" something out, my current life due to unemployment is the definition of frugal. So, I make what "works" and never try to make anything different. Wondering so much about all these things and looking at the light of the lake, it makes me ask when is my own inner light going to shine?

Do I have to reevaluate the dreams and change them so that I can actually achieve something and build up my feelings about my worth in this world? Or do I continue with the ones I have and pray that the light that represents them now that is dim will soon brighten with persistence?
I don't know what all of the lights are, where they are, if I possess too many lights that I haven't turned on or if its that I have none at all.

I'm a Commitment Phobe

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 13:35:00 +0000

I'm currently reading this.

It was an impulse purchase. I'm never in Barnes & Noble. Never.

My father incessantly push that I go there to find a book to read on Social Media Marketing, for an interview I had upcoming and before I could even head over to the never exciting marketing section, I found "self-help".

The thing that I'm constantly in search of.

"Self-Help".

The point of self-help, I'm realizing, foolishly enough to even repeat out loud is to help oneself.
The thing I never seem to do.

I don't help myself, but seek out endlessly ways to find help.
The book, ironically enough that I planned to browse through and return immediately for my $13.99 plus New York State sales tax, is actually forcing me to take a hard, hard look at things I've negatively created in myself. The fact that the only person I can actually get to help myself is me, and that I've turned to a list of negative alternatives including relationships to fix what only I can fix. I never really thought I had low self-esteem, until reading so much and seeing myself mirrored in the pages. I don't think, now I know I have low self-esteem. No one is going to be able to fix that but me, no amount of friendships or relationships and praise from men is going to alter that.

I have a disgusting view of commitment. I don't commit to anything that involves me-my growth, well-being ("can usually wait till I get insurance, or..."), things I enjoy etc. My only view of commitment are those involving dating and marriage and loyalty. I display none of this loyalty and commitment to myself. From the basics of my hair falling out and a near retinal detachment because I don't commit to my personal health. I'm the first one to cook or harass the 'boyfriend' of the moment about what he has eaten, has he eaten, what to eat, if I should make something but when it comes to me...what I eat never matters. Even though it's blatantly affected my health negatively, I continue to overlook it. My 'boyfriends' have always had passions, and hobbies that I break myself as a supporter of-basketball games, baseball games, UFC fights-things outside realm of me, their girlfriend.

I don't have these things. I've never committed to anything outside of them.

I have become only to exist in a shell of a body that I don't take care of anyway. I'm too busy pleasing or taking care of mans body.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to fix my relationship with the All-Star, which recently ended due to a flurry of confusion.
I'm heartbroken beyond words, lonely beyond thought........

I do however, need to commit to something, for me.
Rather, I need to commit to me.

I've tried this before, and failed. Last summer to be exact. I have commitment issues when it comes to me but not when it comes to anyone else-friend or lover.
It's going to be difficult. It has been really difficult.
The last week has been a lot of crying.
But I turn 25 in two weeks. I feel as if there's anytime to make a commitment to anything that has to do with me, or to me, period now is the time. I'm trying to make myself realize that I'm stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Friends, lovers, whatever, I'm not stuck with. Yes, be loyal but there's a degree of commitment that I owe myself first.

Hopefully, I can stick to the task.
I deserve it from me.

Muscle Memory

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 01:12:00 +0000

Just a thought......

Scientists and doctors have proven that we, as humans possess "muscle memory": the ability for our muscles to "remember" training, actions and functions therefore creating endurance when we participate in certain acts.

So when one consistently trains for a marathon, the muscles in the legs begin to "remember" the stress put on the body and in turn after consistent exposure to the repeated act begin to develop additional muscle to assist the body; again, this creates endurance.

Is there a such muscle memory of the heart when it comes to pain?

The same way our hearts are trained, from in the womb, to beat a certain amount of beats per minute to pump blood to the same locations-every minute, every hour, every day, for years on end. Does our heart, if repeatedly exposed to heartbreak develop a muscle memory? Memory to endure the next grief?

I've realized some people are just that nonchalant and "cold" when it comes to matters of the heart and compassion. It usually stems from repeated exposure to the same personal issue. However, I who has been brokenhearted- numerous times, and apparently even if the same individual hurts me its truly as if its the first offense it hurts so much.

Have others developed a muscle memory that I haven't?
Is my heart not..."strength" trained to its best ability?
How much more must I endure to develop the same "strength"?

I'm not sure...
Just something to think about...and possibly a training session I haven't prepared myself well for....

Penny For Your Thoughts? I Have a Dollar

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:53:00 +0000

There's something about a good comment that further pushes a writer, to well, write. Aside from our personal drive and aspirations, feedback always either propels us further forward or makes us sit still-depending on how much backbone we possess.

Referring to my last post, Snake Bites, I received an anonymous comment that for some reason, sort of stunned me, or made me think or maybe just made me blank for a moment. A moment that for some time, I've truly needed.

I haven't been writing with the frequency that I once used to, that's a fact. Being 24, trying to establish a career and who knows what the hell else, dealing with a "9 to 5", losing it, a recent miscarriage, the Ex-Significant, the current All-Star..well, I'm usually pretty spent. So what was once upon a time where I wrote here in The New Jack near as a religious practice & received a host of comments I couldn't keep up with-is no longer. My views, subscribers and readership has died down as I've neglected myself and this being my usually only form of expression.

When I do get a comment, nowadays, it truly alerts my attention.

The comment from this stranger in my mind poises them as an invisible EMT. As injured as I feel I am, covered in "snake bites" if you will, some stranger gave me their thoughts, in turn making me think...positively-even if just for that blank moment. There's always a paramedic in the ambulance encouraging the injured that they're "going to make it" or "we're almost at the hospital, you're gonna be fine".

Well this strangers comment is serving that purpose.
I could say in cliche, "penny for your thoughts?" but apparently I've just received a full dollar.
And with the power of purchase, who would turn down a dollar over a penny?

Hello,

Not sure how I ventured across your blog but I have & though I am nothing more than anonymous, I have found myself feeling the urge to reply.

During the course of my visit today, I have read several of your postings & while I could very well be incorrect in my interpretations - I have only the words you've written by which to go off of - to me the picture that is painted onto the canvas of a stranger is that of a sensitive soul who takes a lot to heart, while trying to maintain an outward appearance which runs to the opposite. If I am wrong in that deduction than please by all means disregard me as yet another random soul who fails at psychology.

In this life the most important lessons - & often the hardest - to be learned will always come from those closest to you. Just as you learn the meaning of love & affection from family, you will also discover the multiple levels of disappointment & heartbreak from those whom you've chosen to invest yourself. Regarding the negative, it is a natural response when faced with the level of emotional abuse that you apparently have endured from someone who claimed to care, that you would in some form or fashion attempt to hold yourself responsible for their transgressions & question your self-worth. After all if you hadn't somehow failed in your role as a woman than your "Ex-Significant " wouldn't have run around on you, right?

Natural reaction surely, but is it correct…?? - The obvious answer is "No" but the reasoning behind such thoughts merits further discussion -

It sometimes bears reminding that taking a step back from a situation when you begin to feel overwhelmed amongst the muck & mire will often help to propel one to the proper solution. If you remove subjectivity from the equation - difficult as it may be - you see that this great wide world is made up of all sorts of people. There are doctors who donate their time to fix cleft palates in the 3rd world & then there are those who scam Medicare. There are Lawyers who champion the underprivileged & too many who chase ambulances with $$$ signs reflected in their eyes. Parents who raise their children to be upstanding citizens & those who lead their children down the road of thuggary/vice. People who back their words of affection with like action & people who lie/manipulate with no regard to others feelings in order to further their own agendas. And there is also an articulate blogger with a wounded heart who rages against herself & a beautiful woman risen from the ashen remains left by a lesson fed her against her will; strengthened by the knowledge that she persevered in the face of such adversity.

I'm going to bookmark this site & check back in a few days, allow you to read my comments & decide for yourself whether or not you might have any interest in sharing some dialogue with an anonymous such as myself, who has been there.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey & will simply leave off with on elast thought…

The intial harm never can be antcipated but once an individual has caused you that pain, they can not hurt you further unless you provide them with the leeway to do so.

Snake Bites

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 01:51:00 +0000

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life"-Lindsay Lohan as Cady in Mean Girls

It's true though...

I have so much to say about all the poison that I've been so focused in late 2010 with removing. I had a set back, and stopped sucking out the venom in temporary happiness with positive developments in my life. Slowly, the venom has been spreading back across my veins because I thought I got rid of it all and started ignoring what was left over.

It's 2011. It's true, it's a new and better year for me. However, I'm not operating how I once was in keeping that positivity because I'm realizing that some poisons of 2010 and even 2009 still exist.

The Ex-Significant still wants to come back. I'm beyond in love with the All-Star, and the All-Star and I are blissfully in love, have been, with adult and mutual understandings on the state of affairs of our "relationship". Only we understand each other and our mutual plans and though I don't necessarily need other people to understand "us" because we do and that's all that matters, it wouldn't hurt if I had friends I could turn to about "us". Not to express anything negative, just wishing I had friends who could open their hearts and minds and truly hear what I have to say and understand "us".
More importantly, I'm realizing day by day how much the Ex-Significant still plays a role in my life-negatively. It influences issues, brought on by me with the All-Star, it influences my heart-negatively in terms of belief.
For example, dating the Ex-Significant for as long as I did and all the things he's put me through..I've come to realize that I started to believe that this is just what relationships are. You, the woman, love said man..you're dedicated and what not, and the man cheats-repeatedly, and you just continue on your "merry" way. As it's not "expected" that a man will be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. It hasn't been until recent in depth conversations with the All-Star that I've realized how fucked up my perception has become from dating one person.
The issue is..........I still can't shake these beliefs. No matter how much the All-Star, friends, you name it, try to drill it into my head that its NOT normal for people to cheat, lie, abuse you etc. I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't stick with me. I feel as if, I'm going to get married one day and my husband, whoever he may be, is not going to come home to me every night for the rest of his life and its something that I just have to accept. If I don't, I'm going to spend my life looking for a man that doesn't exist.
Now, I could easily say to myself-"well, you've already been proven wrong in your time of dating the All-Star, and its factual and you have literal proof" but as much as that's so, the work of the Ex-Significant keeps returning to my brain. I don't take what any man says to me seriously, it's not a bias towards the All-Star because we're dating, its all men. I feel like as a woman, I have to just accept these things because they'll happen sooner or later regardless of what man I'm with.

I didn't realize that the snake bites of the Ex-Significant were so deep.....nearly two years later deep. But, they are.

His "works" affect my every belief, they weigh me down and distort my self esteem. I feel empty and worthless. I raise myself in positivity and then I get shocked with a past memory or some negative mistreatment from him that speaks to my mind and says "you were treated this way, because you weren't good enough...and soon enough, no matter who it is the All-Star or someone else will do the same to you because its not them, its you". All of these feelings despite that there is no ammunition from the All-Star, there really isnt. Nor is there from the invisible men that I haven't met yet.
My new boss invokes panic attacks in me by construing the same beliefs-that I'm not good enough and that I need to get my "fucking shit done".
Another bite, another snake in my life, and more poison.

And the poison has taken over my body so much so that nearly two weeks ago, I tried to commit suicide, overwhelmed with venom.

So, here I am.
Swollen, with pain, venom coursing through my veins and trying to find a way to suck the poison out. Just like Cady said: "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life" I know that's what I have to do to continue to move forward in positivity, but, I'm genuinely stuck. The pain I still feel from the Ex-Significant's work is still hard, when he calls and apologies incessantly and tries to work things out and I stand back and realize-"you've fucked me up-for the current man, for the next man and I may not ever keep a man because you've fucked me up"

I don't feel worth anything because I'm so filled with venom..and I need to suck the poison out. I need to suck all the poison out of my life, I just don't know how to handle multiple snake bites and so much poison in my system all at once.

Class. Intelligence. Adulthood

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 17:06:00 +0000

I've been seeing some tweets and facebook statuses that I have to politely admit are getting on my last nerve. I think it's just that they literally DON'T make sense.
If one is an adult, must we announce "On my grown shit! Ya'll catch up" or "Handling my business cause I'm GROWN son! Get your money up!!"?

Are these SENSIBLE announcements?

I think the severe LACK of adulthood that people are not realizing they ACTUALLY POSSESS in saying these phrases is what irks me. Immensely.

This is what I have to say about all these varied statuses:

Class. Intelligence. Adult behavior..these things don't need a mouthpiece..especially from you. These behaviors speak for themselves.

If you have class, it will show; if you're an adult don't announce you're on your grown and if you're intelligent your words will dazzle us.

The Thing About Turning 25

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 15:51:00 +0000

The thing about turning 25 this year is simple:

At this point in the game, I've realized the kid I was, the person I currently am and the woman I insist on becoming.

I've realized that between 20-24 that I didn't know anything as much as I was convinced I did. I took pleasure in being wild and reckless without seeing the bigger picture. I would deal with the consequences when they inevitably arrived.

Not so much anymore..
Or, not at all even...

And at nearly 25 years old, this, I've realized is all that matters:
My desires have changed.
Positivity is of primary concern.
Think before you act before you leap.
Speak the desires of your heart unto The Lord thy God.
Dreams come true. And those that don't, is the Lord setting you UP not BACK.
We each have the power to change the world.
We each have the power to change ourselves.
Your heart, physically and spiritually is the most important thing you own on this Earth. Talk to yourself the RIGHT way.
The Lord will wipe away your anxieties if you just...talk to Him.
Proverbs 18:20-21: The power of life and death is in the tongue...
Don't depress and discourage YOURSELF.
Listen to your mother.
God will always reveal the true friends that exist in your life..and you don't need 500 of them, you just need 5 TRUE ones.
Meditate.
Meditate on you and on the Lord.
What foods you put in your mouth ARE important..you can't do the work of the Lord if you have no physical body to work WITH.
Pray...every...single...day...
Laugh
You and Jesus have sole authority over YOUR life...its yours and simultaneously belongs to Him..only.
Be kind, even when it hurts.
I made plans that I never committed to, or never made realistic, concrete plans to begin with to actually follow. So, plan and pray. And pray some more.
Seek the Lord first above all things..and everything else will truly be okay.

I've always approached the age of 25 with horror and fear that I'm officially "old" and with 3 months until I hit that number, it's no longer a fear. I look forward to it. I look forward to becoming wiser. I look forward to the Lord's protection. It may have taken me the last 5 years to come into my own..but I'm looking forward to it.
And looking forward to more lessons to be learned.

Resolutions of 2011

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 15:40:00 +0000

If you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. You control this moment: Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new passion. And whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash.

SFLN + Kate Spade

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 02:30:00 +0000

Available here

Virginia is for Fashion Lovers

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 02:01:00 +0000

All the single ladies.. by LovelyVirginia featuring a chain handbag

Dalphine Dress by Motel**
$78 - topshop.com
Halter dresses »

CANDLE WAX SANDAL
$1,947 - monamoore.com
Ankle shoes »

Ruffle Front Clutch
$65 - topshop.com
Chain handbag »

Zebra Print Enamel Wide Hinged Bangle (Black&White)
14 GBP - avalaya.com
Enamel bangles »

Black beaded dome studs
9.50 GBP - dorothyperkins.com
Beading earrings »

Movie Date by LovelyVirginia featuring spiked jewelry

Wildfox Big Love Over-Sized Sweatshirt in Witchberry
$124 - shopthetrendboutique.com
Wildfox Couture tops »

Faux Leather Stretch Skinny Trousers
$80 - topshop.com
Faux leather leggings »

Christian Louboutin Pigalle spiked ballerina flats
$995 - net-a-porter.com
Ballerina flats shoes »

Rebecca Minkoff Encounter Cross-Body Peach
$350 - endless.com
Rebecca minkoff bags »

Rachel Roy: Jewelry > Earrings > Spike And Pearl Dangle Earring
$22 - rachelroy.com
Spiked jewelry »

Super 'People' - Black/Yellow Gold Metal
129 GBP - goodhoodstore.com
Metal frame sunglasses »

Glynneth B Jewelry Spiked Cuff : Star Style
starstyleinc.com
Spiked jewelry »

From: http://virginiaisforfashionlovers.blogspot.com/

Stand In Love

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 15:22:00 +0000

Stand in love. no matter what is coming at you. dont let others bad attitudes affect you. lead by example. love by example. Stand in love.

- Tricia Huffman

What?

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 15:54:00 +0000

What do I need? What do I like? What do I want? What makes me happy? We must ask ourselves; if you don't know, no one can know for you

So much change, such little time

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 23:06:00 +0000

I've had a couple things to write, but either haven't been presented with time or able to just plain old convey my thoughts. I think I'm moved into the territory of the weight of my thoughts truly being my own.

Everything you want, everything you think of is controlled by you. My in depth re-connection with Jesus has re-established my feelings on all these things. In the last two months I've realized how much of a negative person I've become in the last three years and how I let the feelings, behaviors and thoughts of others overrule my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I also realize the depth in which I exhibited no self control. Especially in the mental department. My thoughts and feelings have been..erratic. I used to be so tailored in the art of planning, and thinking things through and having order and after a few life events, I just let everything including myself be..chaotic. I developed severe stress patterns resulting in high level panic attacks all because I haven't in three years practiced controlling my thoughts. MY thoughts.
In the last two months..baby gone, losing the All-Star, still job hunting etc I've actually used all my spare time and even non-spare time to slow my thought process down. Entirely.
When I feel anxious, I stop. Review what is going on, what is the source of my anxiety, and make a plan as to how to attack it IF it can be attacked. If not, move forward and seek in prayer for a positive resolve. I've been doing this same problem solving, thought-controlling process when I'm anxious, saddened, angered, feeling worthless..any feeling or state of emotion that isn't a positive one. I've also truly elevated into a state of gratitude that I never looked at that in the loss of child I could've lost my own life in the process, but I didn't because God is with me. At all times. I truly, have nothing to complain about. People make mistakes, and shit happens but I've spent so much time..three whole years trying to make things happen WITH other people instead of focusing on making things happen for myself.

I realized how silly and misguided I've been for such a long time.

My greatest fear has been to be ALONE, so I stayed in a truly detrimental relationship with the Ex-Significant for all that time. I wound up finding and experiencing true love with the All-Star but just for the timing to not be right. To wind up ALONE, to truly, truly realize that I'm not alone and never have been. God has been and is with me.

I don't feel the anxiety in severe droves that I used to and experience 1-3 panic attacks per day. I'm down to 1 per week...if that, and short lasting. There's a comfort and freedom in realizing that you're not alone, never have been and never will be. It's the poison of the mind that roots deep to convince you of otherwise. So though in the physical sense that I'm "alone" I don't feel alone for a minute.
There's a freedom in realizing that all my decisions are truly that of my own and that as a standing adult I have to answer to no one but myself. The All-Star and I aren't on negative terms, and if I see it fit that I want to go out to dinner with him then it's my prerogative. No one's feelings and opinions are relevant. I'm going to do as I see fit anyway, because only I and God know what's best for me. If I'm working in a retail position because that's whats available to me at this time, doesn't make me any lesser of a person because I may not be able to afford the luxuries that I used to, or go out as much or even at all.

I've been spending a better amount of time with my parents..especially my mom, who for years her and I have always had a terrible relationship. Things have been going so much smoother. Give and take. In losing something so great, as a child, I always said my heart is never going to beat the same again..and it doesn't. I think about it often, but my heart beats differently when I see my mother. I understand her better. I understand ME on a whole new playing field. I know how to decipher what I want versus what I don't want. If I can't make these decisions for me, then how would I be able to make them when my mother becomes elderly and needs me and going forward for a baby that will need me to make executive decisions 24/7? My heart beats with passion for what I want and what I want solely. What I want for my family, what I want to see myself with...not just in the physical, but in the mental. How I want to evolve as a woman of class and grace. I want to take cooking classes, and learn to cook not just the cuisine of my nationality but all foods, I want to practice Ashtanga yoga for physical strength but also its mental principles, and pole dancing for the hell and fun of it. I want to root myself in self-sufficiency and worldliness. I want to learn more about African-American history..and Jamaican history. I want to become saavy with a wrench and screwdriver, so I don't have to incessantly call upon a man-whether it be my father, brother, uncle or some significant other to install my own shit. I want to be able to put something together and stand back and tall and say "I did that". No one the fuck else, "I did that". I want to learn about wines and pottery. Finance and home fixtures. I want, I want, I want.
And finally, I will have. I will create.

I repeatedly said 2010 has taken the cake for being the sole worst year of my life..a continuation of drama, pain and problems from 2007 and 2009 especially. The majority of year has been negative only because of my outlook. I never realized that when you workout through pain, you gain muscle. I've made it to my breakthrough point. Not breakdown, but breakthrough. All this has been preparation from God. Now I want and hunger for ME. And all this muscle I've gained, I finally see the definition I've sought after and I can finally put it to good use starting in 2011, and for the rest of my life.

Figuring Out the Self

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 17:38:00 +0000

I've spent a lot of time since my last post meditating, praying and figuring things out for my life. I've started to put an insane level of focus on myself.

Almost hourly, prayer has become a routine, whether I've been suffering from anxiety or not. What's been the best part of the meditation and high level of prayer, is that I'm truly realizing more and more about myself on a daily basis. If not even at some points an hourly basis. I've realized how severe my anxiety is and how much I hate it. I've realized that it's truly stemming from fear of the unknown-what people might say to me in a confrontation, people's reactions etc. The physical symptoms of my anxiety actually create MORE feelings of anxiety manifesting it further.

I've realized that cleaning and organizing calms me down in a great way. Some people when they're stressed or anxious feel this relief in exercise, I truly feel it in cleaning and organizing. I've realized that I am a true stress eater..when I'm depressed and sad as I have been I possess no appetite whatsoever, but when I'm anxious specifically I feel a hunger that isn't satisfied when it should be. Prayer and listening to church sermons immediately lifts my anxiety. It lifts it so quickly that it's almost comparable to taking an emergency injection that just breaks the skin and rushes through the blood stream. So let's re-phrase that, Jesus lifts my anxiety.

I'm taking slow comfort in being by myself and learning what I like, what I dislike, changing things that I want to change in myself, etc. I'm taking more care of my physical body..actually paying attention to it. Things that I was always "too rushed" to do, I'm doing for myself while asking God to shower me in His peace, love, poise, grace and glory. I thought that this was the worst thing I could ever be doing..being alone, taking the time to focus on myself...Hell, I've had wild tantrums over how much I don't want to be alone and focus on myself. This actually is a good thing..it's a necessary thing.

I feel as if I have it figured all out but I know I still need to take things slowly..take things one day at a time as I have been, continue to be routed in prayer and making small positive changes. I think about the baby regularly......
But somehow, have been okay enough to not cry so much when I think of her, and what she would've been. I'm not sure if you can miss something that you didn't fully have..but I miss her. I miss looking forward to knowing what she would've looked like, and I miss her moving inside me..

But...one day at a time..
Looking at this entry, I know my thoughts are choppy.. it feels like my mind is all over the place while I'm trying to write and not putting things in a flowing form but as chaotic as it may seem, one thing I'm sure of is that I have peace. Or I'm on my way to fully receiving peace. I'm slowly feeling more love and abundance than I've ever felt. I'm coming into realizing the truth behind when people tell you they love you, what forms that love versus care come in, what I deserve as a woman and what I don't deserve as just a human being.

The thing I deserve the most, is the manifestation of peace.

Finding The Heart

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 17:04:00 +0000

Lately, I've truly been weighing the worth of having a heart.

The levels of pain I've been feeling, I've almost begged God for the ability to no longer feel.

It's complicated though. The inability to feel doesn't determine one's inner strength, but makes you appear to the public to be strong. The more robotic one appears to be, is the more the public perceives that person to be "strong". So then, what is strength? Also, what is love? What's it like to feel strong..is it being able to lift a car like Superman? Or the ability to be a stable support system to the one who needs you in a time of crisis? Or maybe it's being able to swallow a double shot of whiskey without making a face, as if you just drank water. Or is it just the ability to keep moving in your darkest hour with some supernatural faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been angry with myself for as long as I can remember for feeling as if I've been cursed with too big of a heart. The way I'll bend over backwards, the incessant displays of loyalty and unconditional love that I feel are never returned in full. Whenever those people hurt me, I blame myself for having too large of a heart in the first place. But is it my heart that's really the problem? What if I don't know my heart to begin with? If I just know that I'll do anything for love.

Anything.

I'll do anything to make people feel good, smile, laugh or promote love and being in love. That's where this heart of mine has always been, in love. My heart feels a mess when love is missing and to lose so much love in such a short period of time I haven't been sure what to do with myself. I haven't been sure why I even exist. Maybe this is part of it. Maybe it's to be a 5'5 cupid sans the wings, but with eight times the heart. Or maybe I don't exist for any particular reason at all..
But this feels like the last attempt in my soul to figure it out..to wonder why God has given me such beautiful ideas, such beautiful people and I have nothing to show with it. I've done nothing with them, because I don't know what to do.
Maybe...
I'm just not paying attention...

But...

If He put this last idea into my head, The Finding the Heart Project, then let's see if this is why I exist. To find my heart, and to help others find theirs. Even while questioning the worth of having a heart to begin with. Sometimes, the idea of being a steel robot doesn't seem so bad...until one day, like me, you're laying on your back and looking at a moving ultrasound.

And you know what...
You hear a heartbeat that isn't yours, but is worth to you more than all the gold in the world.
In that moment, a having heart is heaven on earth.

Saran Wrap

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 19:38:00 +0000

Its when you inhale and you feel the hollow spaces in your chest, almost like multiple big holes in a piece of Saran Wrap...that's how my heart has been.

I haven't written.....
Mainly because I've literally felt in too much grief to write. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Maybe I haven't written, because..there isn't much to say. People always advise that you talk your feelings out and talking them out..hasn't altered my reality. Sometimes, it just reinforces a reality I don't want to believe.
I feel virtually future-less. If "future-less" could actually be rendered a term.

To be pregnant.
To lose a baby.
To separate from the love of my life.
All in such a short period of time..is a bit more than much to handle.

I have no appetite. I don't see a reason to be outside my actual bedroom, let alone not laying in the bed. I force myself to go outside. I force myself to answer phone calls. I put away the ultrasound photo..of a girl, due on 2/14/2011 what I feel would've been the best Valentine's Day of my entire life.
Him and I still love each other..and its something between us that I can't explain. Nothing has changed. We're just separating. Just to go into two separate corners and figure things out for awhile on our own. People always say "if you love something, you let it go and if it comes back then it's yours". That's what we're doing. Making our own plans as individuals and if we come back to one another, then we do belong together. We both went through such an ordeal and he has been the person I've been able to turn to the most. The only person that truly understands the source of my thoughts and feelings and has served as a source of wisdom and thorough comfort, always knowing the right and best things to say.

Every time that I'm with him and analyze the relationship in full...I realize that I always thought I knew what love was in my previous relationship. I didn't have a clue. I know now. I know what it's like to truly have, true love. As much as that's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, I know what it's like to fully experience true and unconditional love.

And it's beautiful.
I am his blood, and he is mine..and regardless of what ever may happen especially for a baby shared, we will always be family. Always.

It's hard to move forward, in the terms of everything. I feel like I have no future to move towards. I have no career. I have love in my heart, but not in the physical tangible sense as both my love and baby are gone. My resume on life has been graduating college, destroying my physical body with a thyroid condition and drinking liquor like life elixir as if my liver is cool to follow for mass shutdown. Add a couple of missing main events of family and friends lives being upstate in college for the four years, a lot of financial debt trying to fix my heart and impress people who weren't important. Missing my little brother's entire high school career. I don't have much to show for anything.

I hear my baby's heartbeat in my ears and remember to vividly what it's like to drink an entire slurpee from 7/11 and how quickly she would move. My body is almost fully back to normal, and I look at it with a loathing that I didn't know I could experience. That my stomach is flat again, and my belly button has retracted back. Or when I lay awake and cry all hours of the night because there's no movement inside of me, or that my breasts are leaking with a milk that now serves no purpose. I've contemplated suicide more than I think my brain can handle. I truly feel as if I have no reason for existence and if it be that I do, that maybe I've done all I need to do already. I've been a part of a couple people's lives outside my family and we have some beautiful memories that I'm sure will last them.

Other than that.....there's no plan. No goals. No dreams.
Once you poke holes in a piece of saran wrap, you need an entirely new piece.
And I have no idea where to get a new one..a new heart.

Gloria

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 15:47:00 +0000

My grandfathers both passed the Christmas of 1985, the year before I was born the April 1986. Therefore, of course, I never knew either of them..or what it was like to have a “grandpa”. The grandmother I did know passed away in 2004, week and a half before my sophomore year of college. Since then, I’ve always said without her wisdom and guidance I’ve been free-falling through my life. Trying insane stunts, getting arrested, racking up debt and practicing a lot of self loathing based on full absorption of others’ opinion of me.

I’ve felt like for awhile it just may always be that way. My parents are young..text messaging, Blackberry users, who DVR their favorite shows and wear the latest designs. Responsible? Absolutely and without question. Young? Indeed. I don’t find them lacking in knowledge, my fathers passion for accounting, Greek and Roman mythology and economics probably makes him the most intelligent person I know. My mother is more domestic and earthy, an artist skilled at every form from pottery to painting to pencil. She’s never been the type to speak to me much about…anything, especially life advice. I’ve had to either figure it out on my own or wait to hear some skewed version from a peer who was trying to make sense of their parents understanding themselves.

Enter my grandmother.

Always the voice of instruction and reason. Patient with my childhood hyper-activity and adolescent misunderstandings. My youthful frustration with boys, education and acne. Forthright with the importance of Jesus, and never ever temperamental. And since her death, to now the age of 24 I’ve just been walking through life without a plan just seeing where men, money and friends take me or how all three could betray me.

And yesterday, I met someone. Someone named Gloria. During and after speaking to Gloria I realized that I’ve had this outer experience only twice before in my life. The moment that I was told my grandmother died and when my name was called to accept my Bachelors degree. It’s a feeling that I’m not sure if my heart has stopped beating..but I’m aware that I’m having difficulty breathing. Despite the lack of air, I’m not panicked. It’s not the fear that one experiences when the brain registers that the person is undergoing suffocation, but an almost high so powerful that its the euphoria described that one feels when they’re near dead from drowning. She would touch my hand and my spine went numb, yet a tingle of electricity would go down the back of my legs making me almost certain that they would give out beneath me. She said things to me that God has been trying to get through to me but with the absence of a grandparent, she was the right vessel. I think of all that was said, and my heartbeat slows. I’m aware of it now. It calms me. The wild, erratic, angry behavior I’ve displayed from years of feeling displaced, I finally realize I’m not displaced anymore.

Maybe I really am right where I should be in life.

There is no concept of time..or of age. Neither matter because its already planned out according to a clock I can’t control. He’s working on it, if He hasn’t worked it out already. I’m so immersed in the pains of comparison of where I should be and what I should be doing and what I should have compared to others that of course I’m resentful. There is no concept of time..nor of age. There isn’t a proper age to graduate college, or buy a house or own your first car or have your first baby. These time restraints are developed not by God, but by that of society. Wrinkle creams and the market towards the prevention of aging hasn’t been praised that with age comes wisdom, but that with age comes ugly. In which, is entirely untrue. For all the wisdom that’s been bestowed upon me by those who only possess wrinkles, its just shown me that with age comes power. With age comes certainty and a beauty that none of us can draw on. She said more than once, “the more you look in the mirror the ugliest you become..we’re already blessed.” She’s right. I don’t possess my own house, or car and my checking account doesn’t have a comma, but it doesn’t take away from the beauty of who I am as a person. And I’ve worried, incessantly, over sunscreen and wrinkle cream serums and turning 25 in the Spring…and for what you ask? Because I don’t have “the” car, house, husband, baby, dog, walk-in closet, you-name-it. The bitterness is what’s made me ugly, and sitting in the mirror constantly agonizing over it all and how to create it from thin air. I’m 24, and I needed someone who’s lived to 74 to tell me that wrinkles aren’t the problem, getting ugly..not physically, but making your heart ugly is all that matters. That’s what you prevent. When people are mean, you don’t return the same “sentiment”, and you don’t hold a scoring board and measure your life up to others..AT ALL.

At the end of the day, you don’t do these things because He’s working on it, if not has worked out the plan for you already. Therefore there is no concept of time. Time and age don’t matter.

September 2010. Aries Horoscope-Revisions and Reflections

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:48:00 +0000

Recent big plans or major moves that happened without careful analysis may be due for revision this month. Far-seeing Jupiter backs out of impulsive Aries on September 9 and will revisit imaginative Pisces until January 22 next year. It's a time to review new concepts and see if the ideas are matched by feelings. The wisdom of Jupiter in Pisces is intuitive, spiritual and imaginative, which is best received with reflection.

On September 8, the New Moon in Virgo spawns a fresh 28-day lunar cycle that's excellent for increasing efficiency and developing useful skills. Cerebral Mercury, Virgo's ruling planet, provides a boost as it turns direct on September 12, ending its three-week retrograde period when information flowed less freely. Contacts and conversations put on hold may finally begin again.

Reassessing relationships and financial matters shows up when evaluative Venus enters scrutinizing Scorpio on September 9. It's tempting to be cynical about love then since the romantic bloom tends to fade in this emotionally intense and discerning sign. Still, this is an opportunity to peer below the tranquil surface of partnerships to gauge the return on investment we get for sharing bodies, hearts and bank accounts with others.

Passions grow and desires deepen when Mars also enters intense Scorpio on September 14. The action planet's return to its watery home sign encourages persistent efforts that are not easily dissuaded. This is excellent for pushing through obstacles, but encourages some folks to continue pursuing activities that have outlived their usefulness. Still, fresh visions and original concepts blossom with a brilliant conjunction of philosophical Jupiter and innovative Uranus on September 18. The Sun's opposition to this ingenious pair kicks the need for freedom and freshness into a higher gear.

Here's the thing about ATTITUDE

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 12:50:00 +0000

Here's the thing about attitude. Your attitude belongs to you. Nobody can make you have a bad one, and nobody can make you have a good one.

Joyce Meyer, A Thankful Life 9/5/2010 telecast

Firebomb

noreply@blogger.com (New Jack) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:53:00 +0000

"the lovers need to clear the road, because this thing is ready to blow..."-RIHANNA

Ive had a breakthrough, not the most positive one..but one that's self sustaining and with the person I'm dating now, the ALL STAR is all about reinforcing self sustenance. For starters I've realized what a true breakthrough is one that regardless of how it may hurt in the process..that you come out of it 150% ok. In the last week, I've truly come to grips with how much I'm affected by others opinions and actions and after this past week for the first time I've finally pushed past it. The all star and I had a dinner, outside, candlelit, gorgeous and in such a romantic setting we had such amazing conversation. The weight I put on peoples opinions, how much I believe it defines me, how I curb my feelings or desires in accordance with the opinion or action of another and most importantly how much my opinion doesn't hold any weight in my world. The combination of the 3 hour talk, reading ENERGY ADDICT 101, and missing my best friends 25th birthday party and the backlash that came as a complimentary gift....I've come to breakthrough a set of chains that's been set to my wrists since childhood.

My opinion is the only opinion of circumstance...

Point blank period. In practice of it this entire week there's been a freedom associated with it that I wish I wouldve not just come, but truly felt these conclusions earlier in my life. I've been a bomb that's exploded numerous times taking on the weight and opinions of others and everytime it gets to be too much I have to explode to remind people I'm not the one to be pestered.
It's ok though, that's what I've realized above all. It's sad to no longer consider so many people my "friend" but there's always a quote regarding that those who are true friends don't just pass through your life like a revolving door..they stick around for a lifetime. When things get rough for you they don't disappear out of your life because they don't want to be "too invested". When they aren't aware of the full story behind something or they're curious about a rumor they heard, they don't just sit there and absorb one side of the story; they come to you, their source to ask WHY something may be so.
It's been saddening, but eye opening and I can only thank GOD as much as it may hurt for bringing me to the light of reality probably before I got really hurt by these same people. People I invited into my home, etc. And what's nice is, I'm already moving forward. That's been apart of my "opinion epiphany". That something or some people aren't who you thought they were so accept it, drop it and move on. That's what I've done with both people and situations in the last week.

That's the significance of a bomb. That's the significance of an explosion, because all that stood in the way has been obliterated and cleared out. As damaging and horrific as it may seem at first, the aftermath is clean and clear. There's nothing laying around in the way left for the bomb to blow up and clear away...and you can rebuild and start anew. And that's what I'm looking forward to...

The clean path in front of me where more of the wrong people are removed from my life and the situations, though some hurtful and grave are always lessons learned nowadays. And seeing all of this, I don't think there are any bombs left to go off, just thank yous. Thanks to all of you who have shown your true colors finally so that I can be a stronger person and finally realize that neither your opinions or existence is anymore of concern to me...