The Newbie Single Mama

Post Christmas Post - Christmas Parents

2009-12-29T01:29:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me can surely say that I am stubborn, independent, and tenacious. This hasn't always bode well for my relationship with my mother, but I have to say, as I get older, I come to understand her better and I'm still trying to understand her more. Often these days, we are getting along quite well and enjoy each other's company. This has been quite a gift but also something we've both worked toward.

This past Christmas, my parents just plain amazed me. It wasn't through a grandiose way or anything like that, but through the smallest, most subtlest, most loving gesture I've seen in a long time.

I was on the computer in my room at their house, reading through the news and dozens of posts and tweets when my mother called me to the kitchen with a bit of urgency in her voice. It alarmed me slightly so I sprang out of bed and went to see what was the matter. My children were fast asleep in their beds luckily. As I approached the kitchen, there I saw standing in his thin, burgundy, chenille robe from my childhood, was my step-father reading something over. I greeted him as he looked up at me with a serious look on his face. He then asked me, "Have you read her letter to Santa?"

I sighed in relief and chuckled inside but didn't dare let it slip to the surface. I thought it was going to be something about my life, my children's lives, my recent split - you name it, I thought it, but it was about my daughter's letter to Santa.

"Yes," I said, "but what she's asking for is all news to me. He's already brought what she had asked for from before."

"Well we don't have any of these on hand, so what are we going to do?" he asked.

Then he continued writing Santa's reply to her, concentrating and being very careful of what he was going to write. He would surface here and there and remark how clever she was to notate some things for Santa. "I was the little girl in the store that day at the photographer's," she wrote. My mother and father were both highly amused and I gainsay, proud, at her level of precociousness.

The conclusion they came to was for Santa to apologize to her for running out of presents in this region. He had more of these presents when he was near her home but none now unfortunately. Instead, he would leave a little money and when she returned home, she could venture out to the store and buy her heart's desire in the toy section. Problem solved, crisis averted. Then they ate Santa's cookies & milk and went to bed.

So there you have it - my parents. Of all the important things they do each day in regards to their businesses, their properties, their animals' myriad of illnesses, their friends, and their friends' problems, nothing was more important at that moment than keeping the magic and Christmas spirit alive for that wide-eyed, little girl.

There was no better gift this year, my dear friends. No better gift.

I hope you and yours had a bright, magical Christmas! Now onto New Year!

While Contemplating

2009-12-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of contemplating about dating, I checked my dating site queue. I had two pages of potential matches. Needless to say my curiosity was killing me so I perused the list. The conclusion I came to was there was a reason why Internet dating sites were making a cool mint. It's so much easier than going to your local meat market!

After reading through them, I realized that I had become discerning. Several years ago, I would've given some a chance that I wouldn't now. Not because I'm better or anything like that, but because I know now what I will or will not accept.

Going through the list was entertaining to say the least. My preference body-wise is someone taller than me as I'm 5'6. So anything 6'1 and over catches my eye. Mind you - I do not know what any of the men look like - yet. I'm still considering whether to pay for a subscription - or to even date - for that matter. My other preferences are someone who is successful and loves what they do, is sharp, intelligent, funny, and creative - oh and of course, someone who can genuinely accept my children. Wow. Tall order.

Here are some standouts:

*Names have been changed.

Art, 47 - "My best friend was Bob since my dad drank alot when I was a kid."

Okay, we've got potential genetic issues here. Nope.

Joe, Mike, John - All 5'6-5'8

If you and I look like a salt and pepper set standing next to each other then nope.

Paul from Utah

No offense but he's probably from a sect looking to add another sister wife. Nope.

Robert - "Artist"

Okay, "artist" is code word for unemployed until I sell a piece of art. Sorry, nope.

Jay - "I like a clean house."

That means you want me to clean it for you. I was hoping to have some help. Sorry, nope.

Dann - "Athletic Trainer"

This means I have to be physically fit NOW and forever. Almost there but sorry, nope.

William - "The person I'm with needs to feel they've won the lotto.."

Ruh roh Raggy, this person needs constant external validation. Sorry...resounding "Nope."

There are some that sound promising:

Marco - "The three things I value most... 'My beautiful family and friends.. Earning income to provide for my family.'"

What? - He thinks his family and friends are beautiful and he has a yob?! He goes on to say that he maintains an organized life. "Organized" is code word for control freak. There may be a balance to him, we'd have to see.

Frank - "I'm a mess without my car, bike, or plane."

Did he say "plane?" See - and watch this Gentleman - it's not because he owns a plane that is attractive, it's because he had the focus and determination to get to the point where he could buy a plane. Imagine where he could take the right partner or where the right partner could take him. Is that partner me? Oh I can't answer for him, but every girl likes to say yes :-)

William - "The most influential person is..'Sister. She has taught me countless lessons over time...'"

This guy has alot of spark and heart that comes through what he writes. However, this statement tells me a TON of things. His sister is a big factor in his life. If she doesn't like someone, I'm willing to bet it becomes a sticky situation for all parties involved. I don't know how much a sister would accept or like a single mother of two children for her amazing brother, but people can be surprising. Let's hope for the best for whomever he's with.

So that is my foray into the dating scene while I'm contemplating about dating. Being alone for a year sounds very relaxing but I know that it can sometimes get lonely too.

For those of you considering dating again and considering online dating, here's a list of some well known sites:

Best wishes.

Yes, No, Maybe So

2009-12-22T14:14:00.000-08:00

I've been contemplating getting back into the dating scene. I don't want a relationship, just a few dates here and there. So I sign up with a "respected" dating site because let's face it - this mother of two won't be trawling bars anytime soon. The pomp and circumstance alone in getting ready causes me to seek the comfort of some cozy socks and a book - stat!

So I took the quiz and much to my relief, my profile is different from when I filled it out five years ago. Whew. It means I'm changing, growing. This is significant. It shows I've actually learned and taken in what's been shown to me. My "teachers" will be glad to know. However, they'll also be horrified that I've considered dating again. While my matches are quite impressive - CTOs with airplanes - I may sit this round out. I'm thinking of not dating or having a relationship for one year. That's right - uno ano, eine jahr. We'll see. I'm only human. But I'm also a mom.. I can do anything I set my mind to.

Oh Crap! - There's Me!

2009-12-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

When I broke it off with my husband, I was very happy in the ensuing weeks to be FREE of him. No more arguing, no more stress, no more heartbreak, no more endless wondering if things would turn out alright. I was alone now and in charge of Me - I could trust Me, I could rely on Me - and I was floating on air. It's now been a little over a month and it seems the air in my freedom balloon is slowly decreasing. I'm almost face to face with ME. What will she say? What will she think? Will she be pissed at the road I've taken her down? Will she be disappointed? - or will she give me a hug and say, "It's gonna be alright."

Lots of times, most times, we'll do anything we can to get away from "Me." We'll put up a wall made out of drugs, drink, food, or even work. Suddenly, we find ourselves booted from our homes, in rehab, at Fat Camp, or stuck amidst a sea of white button-down shirts laughing at the same old dirty jokes.

Who is this "Me" we run from? And why? What is it that we don't want to know? Well, I intend to find out. Stay tuned!

Keeping Up the Fight

2009-12-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

Countless people and stories, old and new, have always mentioned in one way, shape, form, or another, the phrase "keeping up the fight."

Famed television and radio personality, Dr. Drew, wrote on Twitter today, "Hiding out with Susan and kids away through the holiday, exhausted. Wondering if I can keep up the fight. No good deed goes unpunished."

I could feel his exhaustion. I wrote back, "...Push on through Dr. Drew. You do make an impact. Just look around."

Young or old, rich or poor, have or have-nots, we are all... in The Fight.

What is this "fight" and what does it mean to us? I believe The Fight is our timeless struggle to not let this mortal coil beat us down. The Fight is to wake up each day and say, no matter what happens, I am going to keep my eye on the finish line and make this day what I want it to be - despite the world. The Fight is to navigate through the maelstroms and tests of everyday life and people with our love of self, integrity, and spirit intact. The Fight is to make it through the day so that we can go home and look in our beloved's eyes once more.

Today, the actress Brittany Murphy died at the promising age of 32 from cardiac arrest. My condolences go out to her family and friends. May she rest in peace.

Happy Birthday to... Me, I Guess

2009-12-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days where you're trying to diet, trying to really eat well and then suddenly, you remember you have favorite Aunt Sylvia's 100th birthday party that night and it's being catered by Martha Stewart herself? That's how I felt today.

I was having a fun time with my son until I got an e-mail from a friend in the evening. It's my ex-husband's birthday and he was wishing him well. I had forgotten. It felt like the shock of cold water.

It's been about five weeks since I saw my ex-husband. He was out in the garage gathering his belongings, waiting for a friend to pick him up. He said, "Take care of the children. This is the last time you'll ever see me." I didn't say anything, I just stood there and thought about what he said. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't ask where he was going next. I didn't ask if he was going to call us. I didn't say anything. He stepped outside and told me to close the garage door behind him. As it closed, I thought to myself - this is it - this is the beginning of a new life. I was excited and devastated all in the same heartbeat. Is that even possible?

My friend called me inside and I sat with her on the couch. She had come to support me and protect me even though she could never stand a chance against him. Nevertheless, it's something about strength in numbers, strength in what's right. We both stared at the television, not really watching it. It had been a long day. Lots of arguing, lots of screaming, cursing, and tears. It was over now. I didn't have to worry about going through that with him again. My children were watching their own show in the playroom, oblivious as to what just transpired - and rightfully so. They shouldn't have to endure things like that. They deserve to go through a lifetime without knowing their parents' sorrow.

As I finished reading the e-mail, I thought, how ironic that it was his birthday and I had gone out and bought a new television set for myself. Well, he did smash my beloved 51" television last year at about this time, so happy birthday to.. me, I guess.

The Back Story

2009-12-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

Ah yes... the back story, the schadenfreude. Once upon a time, I was married for a long while, years - happily - until I wasn't. Then I set out to try to live a new life that was seemingly exciting and full of promise. Cut to present day and I am here alone, late at night, writing on my blog - to you :-) Apparently, I did not read the fine print on that second relationship with my eyes open so that is... over, needless to say, and I am now The Newbie Single Mama!

I'm writing this blog for its cathartic qualities, but also because I know that there are many women out there who are just like me. They're not scratching their way out of their cubicles to announce to the world their outrageous fortunes. Rather, they belong to a quiet society where members can be spotted by certain clues.. The clues being, a familiar phrase, a knowing look, a common book, or dark circles under the eyes from giving comfort on a late-night call. It's difficult for us to come out and say who we are - we're proud, we're tough, we're professionals, we're your bosses, your mothers, your friends. Maybe when the pain is further from the surface..

For me, the pain subsides little by little each day. Some days are better than others. Some days I literally work through the pain. I'm old enough to know this and I've read enough and had enough counseling to know that it's part of the process, the recycling of my heart. I'm blessed to have an amazing support system, but as much as they love me, no one I know is in the same position - mid 30s, two children, and single. So this is unchartered territory that I have to cunningly navigate and while keeping my wits about me.

Turn Back Time

2009-12-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

- I know! Wishful thinking to be able to turn back time, but that was my theme today. I think we all do that... flip through the pages of our minds, wanting to take back this, say this instead, insert hug here. That was me today. Too much time on hand sifting through memories and regrets. Those will kill us though so I force myself to move on and then I proceed to convince myself to forgive myself. Waaaaay too much work being done here, no?

Good night!

2009-12-18T00:36:00.000-08:00

Whew I'm tired- This was a very difficult day of blogging (cue sarcasm). Good night sweet readers! I will be back to cloud your life tomorrow :-)

Where the Days Take Us

2009-12-17T23:49:00.000-08:00

It's funny how all the little decisions we make - go left here, no don't say that, smile big - bring us all to where we're supposed to be. Right here. And no matter how wrong it looks to us at the moment, reflecting back, we grudgingly but happily agree that all our ups and downs were actually perfect orchestration.

No I didn't just watch an episode of Oprah -- I'm single now! Newbie Single.