The News in Shorts

Trump Tries To Promote A New Civil War.

2020-11-10T12:21:00.000+00:00

Donald Trump is throwing his dummy out of the pram. He has lost the election because he's an idiot and, because he's an idiot, he cannot accept the result of the election. His intransegence, however, is threatening the very basis of US democracy as it also threatens the lives of thousands of American citizens as Coronavirus rips through the country. His accusations of voter fraud are clearly nonsense but many in the Republican party are willing to go along with it for their own short-term political advantage. They are risking the entire basis of America's much vaunted democracy for their own ends - something that is little short of treason. Trump, with the aid of the GOP and the right-wing press, is trying to stage a coup d'etat and set himself up as a monarch. The only route by which he can achieve this is to cross a modern American Rubicon and call out his crazed supporters to spark a new Civil War. America is standing on the brink and Trump's boss, Vladimir Putin, can hardly believe his luck.

Trump Contracts A Hoax.

2020-10-02T12:08:00.003+01:00

The most stupid man ever to be elected President of the United States has contracted Coronavirus - a disease that he once described as a "Democratic Hoax". While he has been able to ignore over 200,000 deaths in his country, has encouraged right-wing madmen to roam the streets of the USA armed to the teeth, organised mass meetings with no precautions or provisions to prevent spreading the disease and has poured scorn on those wearing masks, he has now gone into isolation to prevent him from infecting others. The pity is that he wasn't placed into quarantine years ago to prevent him spreading his vile and hateful prejudices. The suspicion lingers, however, that his isolation has come at a very convenient time. His showing in the first Presidential debate was woeful. Unable to answer sensibly any questions regarding policy he was only able to heckle and insult Joe Biden in a show of bombast that demonstrated to all sensible people that he is nothing more than a playground bully. He is trailing in the polls as Americans in general and those foolish enough to vote for him last time see that the Emperor has no clothes and that he has made the once all-powerful United States into an international joke. The suspicion also arises that, like Boris Johnson in the UK, Trump will make a miraculous recovery just in time to garner sympathy for his non-existent brush with death. It is not fashionable to wish others ill, but Trump himself is no follower of fashion and has scant sympathy for others suffering from Coronavirus while he has no regard even for his own supporters - people he has openly encouraged to catch and spread the disease. As they say in the UNited States, "Kharma is a bitch".

Enough Said

2020-09-15T10:03:00.001+01:00

This what the mark looks like after the blackmailer tells the victim what the price is. As Americans would put it - Trump was taken down to the woodshed.

Why The UK Government Is Killing It's Own People.

2020-09-15T09:18:00.000+01:00

We are used to the UK government killing people for money. They have no compunction in arranging the sale of arms to dodgy regimes bent on murdering people and taking backhanders from the arms industry. That's simply par for the course. They have now extended such nice little earners into the domestic sphere and are now killing UK citizens for money. When the Coronavirus pandemic began back in January 2020 they were content for us to "take it on the chin" and the idea of "herd immunity" was all the rage. When it was pointed out that, if only half the population contracted the disease and only 2% died, that would amount to a death rate of 600,000 they thought again. Some of those who died would be Tory voters it was realised. Worse yet those who died from such neglect might have relatives who voted Tory. That was a problem that needed urgent consideration. Scientists were consulted and it was clear that in order to avoid a collapse in the Tory vote next time around something would have to be done. Looking to other countries that were already in the grip of the pandemic they found that a lockdown of Britain would be needed to slow the spread of the virus and an efficient test and trace system would be needed to pinpoint hotspots. Afraid that their business donors would be very unhappy with a lockdown Boris and his mates in cabinet hesitated and the disease consequently took off like a rocket. Reluctantly they imposed a lockdown when it was already too late and looked around for a solution to the biggest problem they faced. How could they and their rich mates makes a profit out of this? The answer was twofold. With British healthworkers in dire need of PPE they handed billions of public funds to their rich mates who had no experience or expertise in this area and received, in return, a trickle of PPE much of which was utterly useless. So far so good. But what about test and trace? Embarrassingly the EU offered an already existing system free of charge but, of course, that would have meant showing up Brexit for the bloody stupid idea it is so that was out. The answer, as far as the Tories were concerned, was obvious. The UK would produce its own "world beating" test and trace system by the the already tried and tested system of throwing huge amounts of public money at private companies with no experience or expertise in this area either. Better yet they could disguise this act of wholesale malficience by labelling it the "NHS Test and Trace System". Not only would the Tories rich mates then rake it in they could blame the NHS when it all went tits up. Result! Having diverted billions of pounds of public money into the hands of their rich and ever-greedy mates all they had to do was wait for some of the money to come back to them in the form of "donations". A national disaster was now a win/win situation for the party beloved of Brexiteers and other morons. The looming second wave of the pandemic is proving to be a bit trickier however. Massaging the death figures has proven to be only partially successful since getting on for 50,000 deaths is still difficult to explain let alone the nearly 70,000 who have actually died from the disease. It is also difficult to hide from an ever-increasing number of the possibly infected that the test and trace system is a joke and they have more chance of winning the lottery than of getting a test within 100 miles of where they live. We are at a crossroads in this national disaster and the Tories are faced with a dilemma. How can they rip off the country for a second time and get away with it? Time for plan B. Let's break international law and divert attention back to Brexit, after all blming foreigners for something they haven't actually done has always worked in the past.

Operation Moonshine

2020-09-10T12:54:00.000+01:00

Boris "Sicknote" Johnson has made yet another huge policy decision and inaugurated what he has dubbed "Operation Moonshot" - a £100 billion programme to test everyone in the UK for coronavirus. Having visited the magic money orchard and inspected the tree for his Irish Sea Bridge, the tree for HS2, the tree for MP's latest pay raise and the tree for his next tax cut for his rich mates, he has decided that there is enough small change left over to fund yet another scheme. Apart from the question that, having tested everyone in the country, how do you prevent them from catching it a week later there is the vexed question of how this can be achieved when we can't even test all those with symptoms yet. To be fair the name given to this "opearation" is a little better than the one he coined for obtaining enough ventilators - "Operation Last Gasp" (remember that inspired piece of comedy?). Nor should it be forgotten that this a brilliant way to funnel a huge amount of public money into private hands in line with the policy of industrial-scale asset stripping of the country. Then there is the minor point that the technology needed for such a programme, testing nearly 70 million people every week, simply doesn't exist. This isn't "Operation Moonshot" it's "Operation Moonshine".

Boris And His Latest Confidence Trick.

2020-09-07T21:53:00.000+01:00

The UK's Clown Prince, Boris the Serial Liar, has today decided to tear up our agreement with the EU over Northern Ireland and, once again, dragged the reputation of the country through the mud. He has tried to explain this away by kidding everyone that the changes he wants to make are "minor clarifications in extremely specific areas". However, as the EU has pointed out "full implementation" of the agreement is a "prerequisite for the negotiations on the future partnership". Of course this doesn't bother Sicknote Boris in the least since he never intended a deal and is quite content to trash the UK's economy to protect the Tory offshore banking scam. Various spokesmen for the Tory Organised Crime Syndicate have toured the news studios today talking about us having the same trade deal with the EU as Australia. Australia, it should be noted, doesn't actually have a trade deal with the EU and does business with it on WTO terms. So it might be a good time to remind readers as to what WTO rules actually means. The WTO is not a trade organization but a set of basic rules by which nations that do not have trade agreements with each can trade without upsetting other countries. It is a framework of tariffs that are recognised by the rest of the world as a minimum restraint on trade to prevent the dumping of goods to undercut other suppliers. Thus China, that would love to flood the world with cheap steel to destroy other nation's steel industries, are prevented from doing so by everyone agreeing to place tariffs on Chinese steal thus putting its price up. For the UK to trade with the EU on WTO terms means that tariffs will be placed on British manufactured goods. Since we have no trade deals with anyone else, apart from Nepal and the Faroe Islands, that will destroy our manufacturing industry and encourage comapnies to shift production from the UK to the EU that does have trade deals with most of the world. Why would the Tories such a thing? Surely that can't be in our interests? Well no, it isn't. It is, however, in the interests of the rich and greedy who are far more concerned with the EU's stance against offshore banking than they are with what happens to the plebs. In any well-run country this would be seen as treason. Unfortunately in the UK economic suicide at the behest of a bunch of conmen is regarded as patriotism while Brexit supporters are probably the most stupid people in the world.

Why Is Trump So Afraid Of Putin?

2020-09-05T16:11:00.000+01:00

Asked about the poisoning of Alexi Navalny President Trump avoided the subject and suggested instead that attention should be on China. Of course this is not the first time that an opponant of Putin has been poisoned both in Russia and abroad while many others have died under suspicious circumstances so perhaps he has a point. We've come to expect such behaviour from the Russians so what's the point of drawing attention to it? Yet Trump has served Putin's higher-level objectives - dividing the United States internally, eroding solidarity with European allies and reducing the projection of American power abroad which has the effect of enhancing that of an otherwise much diminished Russia. At the same time Trump has ignored his own intelligence agencies with regard to the 2016 Presidential election and has done his best to undermine the American system of government itself. So what did Trump and Putin talk about in the sixteen private conversations they've had over the last four years? in July 2015 Robert Mueller, former director of the FBI, testified that Putin had "blackmail leverage over Donald Trump during the 2016 campaign". What, then, could Trump be possibly blackmailed with? The possibilities are endless but the two main theories centre on his visit to Russia in 2013 and the election campaign of 2016. The first suggests that Trump engaged the services of two prostitutes while in Moscow which was filmed by the Russian intelligence service. This is quite likely since the Russians have never been known to miss the opportunity to get compromising information on visiting western businessmen while Trump's sexual proclivities are well known. The second involves Trump and his family's dealings with Russia during the election. Primarily there were ongoing secret commercial negotiations between Trump and a Russian oligarch for the building of a huge hotel in Moscow which required the personal support of Putin. This in itself would be illegal for a Presidential candidate but, as Mueller suggested, the worst crime was that in order to facilitate the deal and further Putin's foreign policy objectives Trump conspired with Putin for Russia to interefere in the 2016 election. The election of Trump would, under such circumstances, be a grubby deal that amounts to treason. Little wonder that Trump would be so shy of criticising Putin and little wonder that US foreign policy would seem so subservient to Russian interests. Of course there is an alternative explanation - that Trump is simply a buffoon. Either way he is the worst candidate at the worst possible time in world history.

Boris Johnson: Evil Mastermind or Thick Twat?

2020-09-05T09:12:00.000+01:00

It is the burning political question in the UK today. Is Boris Johnson an evil mastermind or simply a thick twat educated beyond his intelligence and in office because of his privileged background? The evidence is somewhat difficult to interpret and any conslusion obscured by his popularity. On the one hand he's been sacked from just about every job he's ever had for lying in a completely unconvincing manner while his former boss, Sir Max Hastings, has described him as "unfit for national office, because it seems he cares for no interest save his own fame and gratification" and that "blame (for his premiership) will rest with the Conservative party, which is about to foist a tasteless joke upon the British people – who will not find it funny for long." He has the morals of an ally cat, leaving his former wife as she faced cancer for a blonde bimbo 24 years his junior who was pregnant with his second illegitimate child. For good measure Boris has also described the children of single mothers as "ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate." Well he should know. But what of his track record as a political figure? This has been marked by some rather bizzare decisions on his part. There was the £40 million spaffed up the wall on his London garden bridge scheme and the £320,000 spent on three useless water cannons when he was Mayor of London. Fortunately his idea of creating "Boris Island" in the Thames estuary as an alternative London airport was quickly put to one side by the Airports Commission in 2014 before he could waste any money on it. Since becoming Prime Minister he has a new scheme on which to waste time - his proposal for a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland. With a cost estimated to be upwards of £20 billion, Boris believes that it would "strengthen the union" between England, Scotland and Northern Ireland in the fraught Brexit times ahead. Unfortunately engineers have branded the scheme as a "thoughtless soundbite" that "no sane contractor or responsible government" would sanction. This then is the man who has overseen the Coronavirus pandemic which has resulted in close to 70,000 excess deaths in the UK and to a massaging of the figures to bring them down to a more comfortable 45,000 on the basis that if victims survive more than 28 days after catching the disease then they don't count. He is also the man who is cheerfully putting at risk the entire UK economy on a Brexit no-deal in order to save the Tories favourite scam - offshore banking - while showing Johnney Foreigner "what's what". So evil mastermind or thick twat? Strangely enough he seems to be both. A thick twat with a masterplan that would put Baldrick to shame, an idiot willing to destroy his country for a dubious mention in the history books, a moron with ambtions to be a second-rate Moriarty.

Does Coronavirus Make People Stupid?

2020-09-03T10:17:00.000+01:00

One of the least expected results of the Coronavirus pandemic is the sudden outbreak of utter stupidity across the world. Despite the knowledge that the virus spreads because of the movement of people holiday-makers are packing themselves into the confines of aeroplanes and sitting on crowded beaches in defiance of all common sense. Worse still are the conspiracy nuts who insist that its all a hoax and an attempt to take away their "freedom" or a sinister plot to inject them with tracking devices through a still non-existent vaccine. Of all these conspiracy theories the most idiotic is that President Trump is waging a secret war against Satan-worshipping elite paedophiles. Spread by an organisation of idiots called QAnon these morons would have us believe that Donald Trump, a close friend of that well-known and now safely dead paedophile and child-trafficker Jeffery Epstein, is leading a fight against these non-existent bogeymen that will end in mass executions. Now Donald Trump is many things, but a crusader against child-trafficking? Really? The man who once said that he could "grab a woman by the pussy" any time he likes and openly admitted he would like to bonk his own daughter? The kindest thing to say about these brainless morons is that they are confused, but they represent a real danger to the rest of us who still have working brain cells. Their half-baked theories are undermining efforts to contain the virus as they organise mass rallies in major cities from Boston to Berlin, refusing to wear masks and ignoring social distancing. Most pernicious of all perhaps, they are also polluting the internet - turning what should be an information highway into a misinformation highway. Forget anything you may have heard about sinister dark figures plotting the death of millions, the real conspiracy is a conspiracy of idiots driven by a bovine herd mentality and fuelled by an inability to seperate fact from fantasy. That is the real pandemic, a virus that is driving the human race back to dragging its knuckles in the dirt.

BBC Launches New Comedy Show - "You Know You've Lost The Argument When....."

2020-09-02T10:04:00.000+01:00

Following pressure from various neo-Nazi, pro-Brexit and tax-dodging billionaire organizations the BBC has launched a purge of left-wing comedy programmes. According to the Daily Telegraph the BBC is “unfairly biased against the Tories, Donald Trump and Brexit” and is therefore guilty of poking fun at the most inept government in the UK's history, the most dangerous and moronic President that the US has ever elected and the most stupid political idea since Caligula made his horse a senator. Shows such as BBC 4's "The Now Show" and TV's "Have I Got News For You" are to be axed to be replaced by "Jocob Rees-Mogg's 18th Century Show" and "Have I Got Neo-Nazi Propaganda For You". The plan has reportedly run into trouble, however, as the BBC has found it difficult to recruit right-wing comedians who are actually funny. As one BBC insider told our reporter; "The trouble with right-wing supporters is that they are spectacularly unfunny when it comes to actually telling jokes. They are great if you want to pack the audience of "Question Time" but much of what they believe is more chilling than funny. At the end of the day what is funny about wanting to kill pensioners to fund future tax cuts, watching the US descend into civil war or Britain committing economic suicide? Putting some gammon on stage to scream abuse about foreigners, gays and not wearing face masks in the middle of a pandemic is only funny to demonstrate how stupid such views are. There's nothing funny about "A foreigner, a gay and a Remainer walk into a bar and are shot by a neo-Nazi thug." The other problem is that right-wing supporters have no sense of humour and probably wouldn't understand a punch line anyway. We are in danger of producing right-wing comedy shows in which the audience only knows when to laugh if you hit them with a stick."

Why Have Care Homes Been Denied Covid Tests?

2020-08-31T09:01:00.001+01:00

Six months into the Covid-19 pandemic care homes are still not getting the testing kits promised by the slack-jawed Health Secretary Matt Hancock. Where care homes have received the kits many have not been collected for processing while 750,000 kits provided by Randox had to be recalled because of "safety concerns". We asked Matt Hancock for his response to this state of affairs. His brain was not available for comment but he was able to summon up enough complacency and Tory cliches to conduct an interview. "There are enough test kits for everyone displaying Covid-19 symptoms," he proudly announced, "and we are daily strengthening the protective ring we have cast around care homes". Asked why then so many care homes are not being provided with the necessary kits our reporter received a blank stare. "Protecting the elderly in care homes has always been our top priority," he eventually replied. Asked why, in which case, elderly patients with obvious Covid symptoms had been discharged from hospital back into care homes with no testing he answered, "We actually managed to reduce the number of people who were going from hospital into care homes, that number came down by around 40%." Taking advantage of the absence of Hancock's brain our reporter pressed him on this claim and asked why the other 60% were still being discharged into care homes and what had happened to the 40% who were not. "Oh well," Mr. Hancock replied, "the 40% reduction was achieved quite simply by placing non-resuscitating orders on patients aged over 60, while the 60% who were not obviously dying were returned without testing to make sure enough pensioners were infected and then died to fund the next round of tax cuts for our rich mates. We calculated that a 40% death rate would do nicely." Asked if this was not a little callous and constituted mass murder on an industrial scale Mr. Hancock declined to comment though he did manage a snigger.

Trump Warns That Biden Will "Demolish The American Nightmare".

2020-08-30T18:18:00.000+01:00

President Trump, the man with the world's biggest mouth and smallest brain, has warned Americans that, if Joe Biden wins the election in November, America's four-year nightmare will be over. "The hoardes of gun-toting Nazi-inspired good Americans will be replaced by violent anarchists armed with vicious leaflets," he told the faithful. "Before you know it the Democrats will pass laws to make the wearing of masks mandatory in an insidious plan to save American lives. No 17-year-old armed with an assault rifle will be safe while blacks, hispanics and other assorted foreigners will no longer be content to be hunted in the streets. This election will decide whether we save the American dream," he said, "or whether we allow a socialist agenda to demolish our cherished destiny of becoming the people your grandfathers fought in World War II to defeat. Your vote will decide whether we protect law-abiding Americans such as Kyle Rittenhouse, or whether we give free rein to violent anarchists, agitators and criminals who threaten our citizens and insist on being shot just to annoy me. I ask you a very simple question" he added, "how can the Democrat party ask to lead our country when it spends so much time tearing down our country while everyone knows we can do a much better job? In the left's backward view, they do not see America as the most free, just and exceptional nation on earth, a country where you are free to infect your neighbours with a deadly disease, where justice eminates from a gun barrel rather than in the courts and where you are able to be as execeptionally stupid as you've always wanted to be."

Chris Grayling and the Vexed Question of Intelligence.

2020-08-30T17:15:00.000+01:00

Chris Grayling, the most supid man in the Tory party, has resigned his seat on the intelligence committee after his failed attempt to become it's chairman in what was supposed to be a rigged election. "I'm not used to failure," Mr.Grayling told our reporter. "After my resounding triumphs in collapsing the Northern and Thameslink rail services, granting of a no-deal Brexit ferry contract to a company with no ships and privatising the probabtion service so that it could no longer function I expected more support from my Tory colleagues - especially since Boris promised me my election was guaranteed." When asked if this wasn't somewhat undemocractic Mr. Grayling replied. "Too bloody right it was. What's the point of an election if it can't be rigged? If a democracy can't compete with even a banana republic in the bribery and corruption stakes what's the point of politics? I was all set to censor any mention of Russian inteference in the Brexit referendum and then this happens. Vladimir was absolutely incandescent and has threatened to put a stop to any further contributions to the Tory party if we don't get our act together." Asked whether this wasn't sort of treasonous the former transport minister and justice secretary replied; "What are you talking about man? If it's good for the Tory party then it's good for the country - everyone knows that otherwise we wouldn't have an overwhelming majority of 43% of the electorate behind us." Asked if this, again, wasn't rather undemocractic, Mr.Grayling looked aghast. "Look you silly man, it is absolutely necessary that the right people are in power otherwise any fool could be Prime Minister rather than a Tory fool which would be disastrous in terms of Britain's main concern - offshore banking and tax avoidance. You'll be telling me next that our esteemed leader, Dominic Cummings, should stand for election. I mean how would we rig an election like that?"

Sicknote Boris and the Art of U-Turns

2020-08-30T08:58:00.000+01:00

There are rumblings in the Tory party that the constant u-turns of the government are undermining public confidence and, more importantly, embarassing Tory MP's who normally have a high tolerance for such things. Most Tories are not too bothered about food banks, homelessness, Brexit or killing old people in care homes - these can easily be turned aside with a touch of complacency, lies and blaming the victims. What does embarass them, however, is having their complacency, lies and victim blaming turned on their heads every couple of hours. This makes defending government policy "increasingly difficult" according to Charles Walker, deputy chair of the 1922 Committee. "Too often it looks like this government licks its finger and sticks it in the air to see which way the wind is blowing," he added, "when what we should be doing is sticking that finger in someone's eye - espacially if that someone is Jeremy Corbyn". He was particularly incensed by the u-turn performed with relation to A level and GCSE exam results. "We had a perfectly good system for exagerating results at Eton and Harrow and depressing those from the schools that the plebs attend. This seems to have upset the parents of these future second class subjects of the Empire for some unfathomable reason and Gavin Williamson immediately did a screeching u-turn instead of building a mealy-bag redoubt with a decent firing step. If Boris was half the bastard he wants to be he would have put up two fingers to the mutinous parents and threatened them with the prospect of a Bolshevik government under that new leader of the Labour party - whatever his name is. If Boris doesn't man up soon I'm afraid we'll have to replace him with a more powerful and forceful statesman such as Michael Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg or Chris Grayling."

Anti-Vaxxers Disappear Up Their Own Theories.

2020-08-28T14:24:00.000+01:00

Wew are awash with anti-vaxxer fake news at the moment. Their theories on why vaccination is a bad idea seem to fall into several categories - that encouraging the over-65's to be vaccinated against Covid-19 is a plot to steralise them - that encouraging younger people to be vaccinated is a plot so they can be tracked wherever they go even as they spend all day and night texting on their mobile phones - that vaccinations are a plot by eugenicicsts to weaken our immune system and wipe us all out. The latest piece of horseshit from these people is that Henry Kissinger told the WHO “Council on Eugenics” in 2009 that vaccines could be used to control the human population. Except that Kissinger never said anything of the kind at such a meeting because the WHO "Council on Eugenics" doesn't actually exist. Many of the people pedling this nonsense are worried that their children will be harmed by vaccination, despite the fact that they themselves were vaccinated against rubella, polio, TB, whooping cough, mumps and meningitis and lived long enough to have children sterilization not withstanding. So what kind of people are spreading this idiocy? The answer is quite simple - idiots. Addicted the conspiracy theories that one moment's thought would dismiss as utter lunacy, these people are convinced that the most inept UK government in our history, unable to master a track and trace system that all of Europe has no problem with, is trying to kill, sterilize or track them by implanting devices in their bodies. If they had leaped upon the Tory's "herd immunity" it would be understandable since that particular idea was probably one of the most stupid in British history (along with the economic suicide of Brexit). They failed to do so because this merely demonstrated that the Tory government is little more than a collection of complete morons. They prefer to believe that Boris Johnson and his boss, Dominique Cummins, are super-villains rather than the dickheads that they are.

When Is A Crime Not A Crime?

2019-05-04T08:17:00.000+01:00

Someone leaked sensitive information from the UK's National Security Council. Under the terms of the Official Secrets Act 1989 this is a criminal offence. The deliberations of the National Security Council are a state secret and leaking such deliberations is a criminal act if it is "damaging and done without lawful authority". Well, the leak wasn't done with "lawful authority" and has done considerable damage in terms of the UK's relationship with China and to the UK's reputation in the world. An important UK politician, Gavin Williamson the Defence Minister and a legend in his own lunchtime, has been accused, found guilty and professionally executed by the Prime Minister Theresa May, a legend in no one's lunchtime. Gavin Williamson has declared his innocence but, as far as Prime Minister May is concerned, the matter is closed. So a crime has been committed and a suspect has been publicly named but the matter is closed? The question that arises is since when has the Executive branch of government taken over the role of the Judiciary? It is not the business of the Executive to decide when a criminal offence has been committed nor is it the Executive's business to find anyone accused guilty or innocent. Nothing can illustrate better Theresa May's complete disregard for or, even more worryingly, utter ignorance of how the British political system works. Yet this is how the Tory party itself works, through ignorance and a complete disregard for the political, social and economic well-being of everyone not in their magic circle. Under the Tories a non-binding purely advisory referendum has been set in stone, Parliament is ignored and the people are collectively punished for the crimes of the Tories rich mates. While Theresa May was Home Secretary she managed to "lose" 14 files pertaining to paedophilia in high places. As Prime Minister she has stripped our streets of the police with the result that crime is soaring, continued to ignore mass homelessness while thousands of houses stand empty, deliberately underfunded and undermined the NHS, wrecked the education system, persecuted the sick, the disabled and racial minorities and pushed millions into poverty while, at the same time, pushing ahead with a Brexit that she knows for a fact will decimate the British economy. Her own party hates her, business hates her, the people hate her, yet she continues to super-glue herself to the door of No.10 and gets away with it because the Tory party is terrified that no Brexit and a general election would expose them to prosecution under the EU's Court of Human Rights while their offshore banking scam would come to a shuddering halt. So when is a crime not a crime? When it is committed by a Tory.

Farage is Back!

2019-04-13T01:37:00.000+01:00

Nigel Farage has made a comeback with his new Brexit party having decided that UKIP is too right-wing. Britain's very own Judas Goat is up in arms (and in the money once again) because he feels the need to "change politics" and save us all from those who would stop Brexit. "I said that if I did come back into the political fray it would be no more Mr Nice Guy and I mean it," he told us, though his definition of what makes for a "Nice Guy" seems somewhat problematic. He then trundled out his latest acolyte, Annunziata Rees-Mogg, sister to Jacob Rees-Mogg Member of Parliament for the 18th century. ""We've got to rescue our democracy from those who want a second referendum" she told her audience. "We have got to show that the people of this country have a say in how we are run without actually asking them." Earlier in the day Farage said on the BBC Radio 4's Today programme that ""In terms of policy, there's no difference to UKIP except for the obvious racism which we in the Brexit party are determined to keep under wraps". He then promised that the new Brexit party would be "deeply intolerant of all intolerance" except for that directed at foreigners, those who disagree with them and anyone trying to close down the offshore banking scam. "The Brexit party will represent a cross section of society", he added, "especially Daily Mail readers, moronic bigots and my American mates who want to asset strip the NHS" After the conference, as the delegates tucked into their chlorinated chicken lunch, Farage granted "The News In Shorts" an exclusive interview. "You just can't trust established right-wing politicians", he sighed. "They will insist on letting the cat out of the bag. Some things have to be kept from the British public for their own good." "Such as?," our reporter asked. "Well you know, things like protecting offshore banking from the nasty evil people who want rich people like me to pay their fair share of taxes, those who want health care free at the point of need and the truth about our abject efforts to get trade deals from foreigners who know we're desperate. That sort of thing". "But surely you want to represent a cross section of society and I thought you didn't like foreigners," our reporter suggested. "When I say a cross section of our society I mean, of course, those better sort of people who don't want to pay tax. And, of course, there's foreigners and then there's foreigners. I like those wiling to grease my palm. It's the other sort I don't approve of - those who want to protect employment rights and the like. Basically the EU. Would you like some of this lovely chlorinated chicken?".

Why Did Brexit Get So Ugly?

2019-04-12T14:39:00.000+01:00

So, how did Brexit get so ugly? It began with David Cameron who decided to give the British people a referendum on their membership of the EU. His reason was quite simple - he wanted to shut up the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg, frightened that his offshore banking scam would soon be outlawed by the EU, in his own party and take the wind out of the sails of Nigel Farage and UKIP. It was a short-sighted political decision made by a lazy Prime Minister and against all advice to the contrary. From the beginning then Brexit wasn't exactly a pretty proposition. Cameron, after a lack-lustre Remain campaign, lost the referendum and promptly resigned so that someone else could clear up the political mess he had created. Meanwhile, after a campaign noted only for the lies, deceptions and pure fantasy, the Leave campaigners went into overdrive - crowing about their "majority" which consisted of only 37% of those entitled to vote in the referendum and threatening the EU with all kinds of dire consequences if they didn't do as they were told. Ignoring the fact that a Labour MP, Jo Cox, had been assassinated by a right wing Brexiteer nutter, the likes of Boris Johnson (having changed sides in the campaign when he thought he might become Prime Minister), Michael Gove (who stabbed Boris in the back as soon as the campaign was over) and Jacob Rees-Mogg (Member of Parliament for the 18th century) began waving the Union Flag and promised us all that the EU would soon crumble in the face of our obvious superiority. Liam Fox set off around the world to deliver the promised free trade agreements and Theresa May (the surprise winner in the "Who The Fuck's In Charge Now" competition) set off to handbag those Johnnie Foreigners in Europe. Unfortunately Liam Fox soon found that negotiating cap-in-hand with the rest of the world who knew that the UK was desperate wasn't going to be "the easiest thing in the world" after all. India said, "Yes, of course. But in return we want open access for 700 million of our citizens who would dearly love to move to the UK". The United States said, "Yes, of course. But we want to buy up the NHS at bargain basement prices and have unlimited access for our chlorinated chickens". Theresa May found that her handbag was taken from her by EU security and settled down to be told what the EU were willing to give her. It was not all disaster to be fair. Liam Fox managed to get an interim trade deal with the Faroe Islands and Nepal while Theresa May managed to get her handbag back when she returned home. With great aplomb she then wielded her handbag in Parliament only to find that almost the entire House of Commons had donned handbag proof vests. Having failed to get her deal through Parliament three times, while denying a less than impressed British electorate a second vote on the whole sorry mess, she then pushed back the deadline for leaving the EU not once but twice. She also reached across the House for Jeremy Corbyn to help her and take some of the blame hoping that her action, two years too late, would elevate her to leader of the Labour party. With her own party hopelessly split she failed to notice the referendum had also split the entire country down the middle or that an increasingly vocal neo-Nazi movement had taken Brexit as an excuse to be as nasty and violent as they'd always wanted to be. How did Brexit get so ugly? It was always ugly. A bunch of Tory and UKIP conmen, afraid that their offshore banking scam was in danger or hating all foreigners because they were foreigners, had lied, deceived and over-promised their way to victory. With their lies and promises nailed for the rubbish they are, their only alternative is to continue waving the flag, talk big and now tell us that the Brexit recession will all be over within 50 years. Welcome to the sunny uplands.

Whose Foreign Policy Is Driving The White House?

2017-12-08T06:13:00.001+00:00

Within a year Donald Trump has managed to place the United States in jeopardy in the Far East where war with North Korea is fast becoming a near certainty, he has insulted most of America's allies in Europe and now, with the announcement that he recognises Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, he has set the Middle East alight. None of this is in the United States interests since it reduces its reputation, its influence and divides its attention and resources at a crucial time in world history. So why would Trump be so stupid? Is it simply because he is stupid or is there something more sinister at work? His foreign policy is criminal in its ineptitude and, as Cicero once pointed out, when a crime is committed the first question that should be asked is "Cui bono?" - who benefits? The answer to this is blindingly simple - Russia. Driving a wedge between the US and NATO, embroiling the US in a conflict in the Far East and reducing its influence in the Middle East is a Russian wet dream and is frighteningly close to being realised. Even more frightening is how it is being realised since it is all based on the idiocy of one man - Donald Trump. Trump maybe a simpleton but his campaign to take the White House was well organised by someone and it is doubtful if the idiots that surround him could have been responsible. The evidence is beginning to suggest quite forcibly that Trump conspired with Russia to place him in the Oval Office and that Trump is nothing more or less than a Russian agent. For Trump patriotism doesn't even come into it. He is a businessman (and a shady one at that) and selling out his country was simply a business deal that was too good an opportunity to miss. With the hot and eager help of the corrupt Republican Party he's even managed to reduce the tax due on his foreign earnings. A contemporary of Cicero, Jugurtha the King of Numidia, described Rome as "a city up for sale, if only she can find a buyer." It would seem that Trump and the Republican Party found their buyer in the Kremlin.

The Bill Is In!

2017-11-29T06:16:00.000+00:00

Britain, confident in its glorious future as a trading super power, has told the EU that it is willing to pay £57 billion in order to leave the EU. Of course that means that the £135 million per week for the NHS will have to wait a bit (8 years) as we pay this off but it is small price to pay to get a really good trading deal. Like the one we've already got for instance. Rich people, like those who make up the majority of the Tory party, needn't worry though since it is those who are not rich who will be paying the taxes needed to meet the divorce bill. In the meantime the rich can break out the champagne since they will dodge the EU Anti-Tax Evasion Directive that comes into force in 2019 (Phew, that was a close call!) Jeremy Hunt was quick to get behind the deal as he revisited the idea of clawing back money from NHS workers for weekend work. Meanwhile, having successfully redacted much of the information in the government's own dismal assessment of Britain's economic future after leaving the EU, David Davis has reiterated that Parliament will have a "meaningful" say on the final Brexit settlement inasmuch as they can either accept it or take the blame for not getting any kind of deal. (Phew, yet another bullet dodged by the Tory party). There can be no doubt, however, that this deal is a triumph for the Tory party. Reports tonight suggest that streets across the nation have filled with deliriously happy Brexiteers all celebrating making themselves less well off by several thousand pounds per year. "We've got control of our borders at last" one breathless celebrant told our reporter. "And we've got a Royal wedding to look forward to in May". Asked about Meghan Markle our interviewee replied, "She's got a bloody good sun tan and Americans are not really foreigners are they?" Only the vexed question of the border between Northern Ireland and Eire now stands in the way of Britain's glorious future but the Tories are confident of finding a fudge that will fool everyone long enough to carry out Brexit before the truth catches up with them.

Why The Tories Betrayed The UK.

2017-11-18T12:27:00.000+00:00

For those who are wondering why the Tories are so set on leaving the EU and why they wanted the leave date enshrined in law the following should be an eye opener. In 2019, just as Britain should be leaving the EU if the Tories have their way, a new Directive from the EU will come into force. This Directive is intended to end tax dodging by the rich and greedy. Let that sink in. The rich and greedy in the EU will no longer be able to dodge their tax liabilities across the whole of Europe just as the rich and greedy in the UK have arranged to take us out of the EU. Now this might be just a strange coincidence but, given that Theresa May's husband is a professional tax dodger as is most of the Tory party, this might be a little hard to swallow. The truth is that the Tory party has sold this country down the river to maximise their own profiteering at the expense of everyone else. Nothing illustrates better the Tory party's role as the political arm of organised crime than Brexit.

How Neoliberlism Drove Our Leaders Insane.

2017-09-09T00:36:00.000+01:00

Hurricane Irma is a fitting symbol for the end of neoliberalism as an economic "theory". Neoliberalism forced the greedy and selfishness to deny the reality of global warming since it threatened to undermine the profits to be made from the profligate use of fossil fuels. Global warning, they insisted, was either a liberal conspiracy or a Chinese conspiracy depending on which "enemy" they had in their sights at the moment. With the reality of global warming now bearing down on the United in the form of hurricane Irma and another one following close behind those Republicans who still embrace neoliberalism may soon have to deny aid to their own citizens once again. Twenty State Representatives and both Texas State Senators, Ted Cruz and John Cornyn, have all voted against a $50.5 billion dollar relief package for victims of 2012’s Superstorm Sandy when it came before them in January 2013 despite the damage to their own state. Will they now vote against an even bigger relief package in the wake of hurricane Irma? Neoliberal "theory" says they must since greed and selfishness are more important than decency, humanity or even common sense. Much the same can be seen in the Brexit debacle unfolding in Britain. The chance to deny human and workers rights in the UK is far too important to the political arm of organised crime known as the Tory party. Nothing is more important than their "right" to grab whatever money they can in order to stuff their tax free overseas bank accounts. Not even the economic future of the country must be allowed to stand in the way of this goal. How else can they privatise the NHS and flog it off to American health care companies without undue interference from Brussels? In both the US and in the UK the vehicle that is being used to sell this insanity to the voting public is nationalism and its handmaiden, patriotism. With neoliberalism exposed as the fraud it always was this is the only way to hang onto its idiotic precepts long enough to squeeze out the last drop of profit. As Ben Johnson once observed, patriotism truly is the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Brexit Comes Home To Roost.

2017-09-02T07:16:00.001+01:00

We've had the lies - money for the NHS, taking back control of our borders, the sunny uplands of economic freedom - but now the reality of Brexit is finally arriving. The money for the NHS was the first thing the swivel-eyed Brexit nutters dropped. Then came the weasel words about the need for "controlled" immigration. Lately we've had various government ministers, including Theresa May, being rebuffed by America, China, India and Japan as these countries point out that the UK doesn't actually produce anything they either need or want. So what was the point of Brexit? First and foremost it gave David Cameron the opportunity to placate those Tory backbenchers who threatened his job. Second, it provided a platform for the nationalist knuckle-draggers who hate all foreigners as a matter of principle and allowed them to vent their pent up hatreds. Third it allowed those little Englanders who watch endless documentaries about how the plucky Brits defeated Hitler to thump their favourite tub. So much for the Tory party but what about the rest of the 52% who voted for economic oblivion? The vast majority probably voted for this idiocy because the "Daily Mail" told them to. Which is pretty funny since it is owned by a man, Rupert Murdoch, who hates the UK with a passion. Many voted for it because they thought in some perverse way that it was a blow to "the establishment". Unfortunately "the establishment" (mainly the Tory party again) merely saw it as an opportunity to be as stupid, greedy and selfish as they always wanted to be. They are already lining up to tell us how wonderful it will be when they take our human and working rights off us. Still, those who voted for Brexit can always fly off to the Costas to drown their sorrows in cheap lager and insult the locals for not allowing us to have our cake and eat it. Except that the £ has sunk so low against the Euro that the Costas are becoming rather expensive and the locals don't give a damn about the UK's Brexit delusions. Brexit is a mess, manufactured by the Tories for their own narrow political interests - an ideologically-led insanity that makes about as much sense as that other favourite myth of the Tory party, trickle down economics. The only good Brexit, it is now abundantly clear, is a dead Brexit.

What Is Trump?

2017-08-20T10:49:00.001+01:00

It is becoming increasingly difficult to understand what Trump actually is. He is clearly not really the President of the United States since he spends most of his time on the golf course and only appears on a regular basis on Twitter during the early hours of the morning. He is not a Republican as such since he seems so determined to bring the party into disrepute and make sure that it will not be elected into either Congress or the office of the Presidency for the foreseeable future. Nor is he an American since every utterance he makes is totally at odds with what the USA is supposed to be all about. He does have a soft spot for white supremacists, neo-Nazis and the KKK while harbouring nothing but contempt for the Constitution. All in all he seems to be nothing more than a confused and rather unintelligent grumpy old man. Yet this is strangely unsurprising since that sums up what America itself has become. Betrayed by the insanity of neoliberal voodoo economics, frightened by America's faltering grip as the world's only superpower and no longer able to discern what is real and what is not in the so-called "Information Age", many older Americans now find themselves poorer, baffled by their country's inability to control world events and bewildered by modern communications technology. For them Trump was a lightening rod, a mouthpiece for all their fears and prejudices - the last great white hope. Unfortunately he is just like them and has no more idea on how to run a country than they do. They wanted a John Wayne but all they got was a Marion Morrison. Trump is not a politician, still less a President and certainly not the leader of the Free World (whatever that was). He is a bundle of incoherent prejudices and half-baked ideas without any concept of what the consequences of his open-mouthed approach to America's problems might be. He is nothing more than a living, breathing neurosis on legs. He is what America has become.

The Manchurian Candidate.

2017-07-21T18:10:00.000+01:00

The links between the Trump election campaign, members of Trump's family and the Russians have continued to grow, prompting speculation that Trump himself may have been involved in a plot to influence the election in November 2016. So far, by telling lies, drip feeding his admissions of guilt, calling all such reports "fake news" and with the help of a supine House of Congress, Trump has managed to dodge impeachment. Despite this impeachment remains a distinct possibility if Congress and the people who voted for this fake President finally wake up and smell the coffee. The latest revelations about Trump's secret meeting with Vladimir Putin with only a Russian interpreter in attendance has raised eyebrows but not as much as his decision to remove all support for the moderate rebels fighting against Assad in Syria. This is nothing more or less than handing over the future of Syria to the Russians, infuriating two of the USA's closest allies - Turkey and Saudi Arabia - in the process. The secret meeting between Putin and Trump now looks for all the world as if Trump is a Russian intelligence asset with Putin acting as his KGB handler. The CIA are now openly calling Trump "The Manchurian Candidate" while the other 16 intelligence agencies in the USA are telling the American people that Russia is now in charge of US foreign policy. If so this would be a breathtaking intelligence coup for the Russians and Putin, a former head of the KGB, in particular. But surely Putin, with his experience, wouldn't be so daft as to demonstrate to the world that Trump is his lapdog? He might, if he thought that burning this asset was worth it. Such a high profile asset could not be expected to last long before being found out and rubbing America's nose in it might just be his end game. After all what would the result be? The American public could never be sure again that their political elite had not been fatally suborned because of their business interests which are all too often linked to Russian oligarchs. Putin would show that he is the master of intelligence while the Americans, hampered by their tortuous legal systems, could never hope to match his ability to act without restraint. The USA has been crowing for years about the defeat of Communism. How ironic if they were now defeated by a tinpot dictatorship shorn of its former might with Putin playing what appears to be a weak hand with all the consummate skills gained as the former head of the KGB.