The Next Phase: Living On His Terms

More Ideas for Sunday School

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Fri, 08 May 2015 08:18:00 +0000

Gained some great insights today while chatting with a parent whose family goes to a church with a thriving children's and youth ministry.

So sketching out some ideas for the Youth Ministry...

Grade 4-6: Preteen Ministry (on Sundays)

Grade 7-12: Youth Group night once a week? fortnight? Involve them in preparing and serving morning tea, hosting Congregational Lunches, greeting visitors, helping in Sunday School

All we need now is a regular critical mass of young attendees, which depends on there being a regular critical mass of supportive and involved parents.

God Spaces

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Mon, 04 May 2015 03:30:00 +0000

A friend took the time to share with me today a concept she's learning in Bible College.

It's called God Spaces, and is pioneered by Dr Diane Divett, a pastor and originator and developer of the holistic counselling theory and practice called Refocussing, which has as its central component the use of 'God Spaces' to connect to God.

(Extracted from http://cityviewchurch.co.nz/godspaces/)

It's a process that enables Christians and non-Christians to:

find and experience God
be empowered
make decisions about their future, dreams, vision, purpose and healthy holistic living.

Another one for my learning list.

Expanding My Geographical Comfort Zone

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 01:55:00 +0000

Flights booked.

Accommodation booked.

Train and bus schedules printed.

48 hours to my first solo interstate trip to attend training with my mentor in Sydney.

A year ago, I don't think I would have got this far in my thinking.

Too far. Too scary. Too many unknowns. Floods and storms!

It's been a process, but hey, God didn't put me here just to be comfortable and safe.

I'm here to grow, learn, take risks, make mistakes and (hopefully) survive so I can write about them.

Even more important, I'm here to model for my children that this is what real life is like, so that they will have more options and be more resourceful when their time comes.

The 'A' Word that Perfectionists Dread

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 07:36:00 +0000

Today is a very special day.

I booked in two accountability coaching calls to tackle vital aspects of my business.

I'm celebrating because these are areas that I've been avoiding, all the while knowing I need to do something about them, but always finding a reason to do something else instead.

One of these was to do with overhauling my non-performing website.

I appreciate the frankness and constructive feedback of the marketing expert I spoke with and now have a two-page record of what we discussed and what I need to do to turn my business model around.

The second was a Skype consultation with a lawyer-cum-accountant on the subject of asset protection.

Again, I appreciated his incisive and straight-to-the-point approach and know exactly what I need to do next.

Am feeling re-energized about my business now that I've taken care of the major blockages.

What are your top values?

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 00:55:00 +0000

Currently working my way through Dr John Demartini's book The Values Factor.

I have been to his seminars and love his story of overcoming poverty, dyslexia and lack of direction to doing what he does today: travelling the world and teaching.

His book has sat on my shelf for a few years, and only last week did I begin to read it in earnest and to ask myself: do I really know what my top values are? Am I living my life in harmony with these values? Am I setting goals that align with these values? Does my work and my business represent my highest expression and fulfillment of these values?

The first question has stumbled me for a long time, and I am still getting to the point where I can confidently declare "Yes! This is what I believe. This is what is most important to me. This is what my life is about." I realized I was easily able to come up with my top 10 values, but I could not order them with conviction, because that would mean having to decide that X is higher than Y and so on down the list.

My lack of clarity and conviction hit home most painfully when a social media marketing expert whose 7-day challenge I'd responded to rang me on the weekend to chat about my business and I realized, oops, there's other stuff I'm more interested in at the moment than talking business. I even had difficulty articulating with conviction what it is I do, when just the day before, I'd enthusiastically put up my hand for his challenge.

What's wrong with me? Why do I keep swinging like a pendulum between what I want to do and what I feel I should do? Could it be that this is a clue about my highest values?

Then early this morning, I picked up Tim Keller's The Reason for God, which has been sitting on my bedside table for weeks. I'd been reading it conscientiously, then moved on to other books (as you do) and forgot all about it. And now I opened the book to the bit where Tim talks about the difference between Christianity and other religions, and what sin really is. The long and short is, that whenever I put anything else as the most important thing in my life: career, family, professional achievement, money, status - that is not God, that is idolatry ("Thou shalt have no other gods before me" - the first Commandment) and therefore sin. Because I cannot save myself or improve myself by my own efforts. The only way I can be made right with God is by accepting that God has already done the work for me through Jesus Christ, and only by turning my life completely over to Him can I find that happy place between feeling superior to others and feeling not good enough.

So now I am looking at my top four values again, and I realize God's not in the list.

How now, brown cow?

"The Reason for God" by Tim Keller

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Tue, 13 Jan 2015 22:06:00 +0000

(Image: South Valley Church website, courtesy of Google Images)

My pastor lent me this book recently.

He must have been divinely led to do it, because it came at just the right time.

Here I am again at the start of a new year, feeling guilty for having backslided spiritually in the last year, for not spending enough time reading the Bible, praying and engaging with God, and for doing outwardly "good" and "worthwhile" things in my own strength and wisdom rather than His.

With the world's focus being once again on terrorism in new and terrifying forms, and two children being more and more susceptible to external influences, I need to turn inwardly and be reminded of the eternal truths that have been laid down in Scriptures.

“Religion operates on the principle “I obey—therefore I am accepted by God.” But the operating principle of the gospel is “I am accepted by God through what Christ has done—therefore I obey.”

“In many areas of life, freedom is not so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones, the liberating restrictions. Those that fit with the reality of our nature and the world produce greater power and scope for our abilities and a deeper joy and fulfillment. Experimentation, risk, and making mistakes bring growth only if, over time, they show us our limits as well as our abilities. If we only grow intellectually, vocationally, and physically through judicious constraints–why would it not also be true for spiritual and moral growth? Instead of insisting on freedom to create spiritual reality, shouldn’t we be seeking to discover it and disciplining ourselves to live according to it?”

“The Christian Gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.”

Resurrecting Family Devotions

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 02:13:00 +0000

Last night, we had our first family devotion for the year - and the first in a very long time.

I am so so thrilled that hubby agreed to bring back this practice.

Even more thrilled that both girls participated 100%, taking turns to read the devotional material and to offer up thoughtful questions and opinions.

The family that prays together stays together.

And if our girls remember this and institute the practice in their own families, my happiness will be complete.

A New Vision

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Fri, 12 Dec 2014 08:34:00 +0000

Something has changed after my time away in Sg.

It began with my conversation with a classmate I had not seen since we were in Sec 2 - 30 years!

Hearing her post-uni life story and reading the book she co-wrote with her husband woke me up from my spiritual stupor and made me want to get right with God again.

And I believe the work continues.

2015 will be a time of softening (of the heart), reshaping (of my vision, ambitions, plans) and returning to a right relationship with Him as the Center and Foundation of what I do.

Back to Basics

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Tue, 02 Dec 2014 06:08:00 +0000

Highlight of today: being warmly welcomed by several of #2's classmates when I picked her up after school.

We have been away for 10 days and today was her first day back.

"Welcome back Mrs Tan!"

"Mrs Tan, you missed my birthday!"

"Mrs Tan, what did you do on your holidays?"

I felt so special, and really thank God for this privilege. What have I ever done to deserve such warmth from these children? I'm not their teacher, just a parent who reads with them once a week.

The other thing that really impressed me: these kids are so aware and so switched on. At 8-9 years, they are already noticing other adults and initiating conversation. When I was in Primary School, I don't think I ever initiated conversation with others - I waited for them to approach me. And I would certainly never have dared to talk to an adult in the friendly, cheery way these kids approached me. I love and admire their confidence and openness. It is a great trait, one I hope my kids can emulate.

The Pleaser's Dilemma

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 02:23:00 +0000

I was a born pleaser.

My aim in life was to avoid conflict and never ever do or say something that might offend someone.

Note that I use the past tense.

With a bit more enlightenment and a lot of personal development work, I am learning to say no, to suggest alternatives and to assert myself more and speak my truth.

It is very hard work though, because I'm basically unravelling a lifetime of learned behaviour and relearning a new way.

Recent example: in an email correspondence with my child's teacher, I vented my frustration about the school's tendency to "invite" students to take up extra learning opportunities without requiring them to do so e.g. GATEWAYS Festival of Workshops, Spelling Bee, Math Olympiad. My child said no to the first two, but hubby and I insisted she go for #3, and signed the consent form for it. I explained to the teacher that my child is the kind who avoids change, doesn't like things that are new and challenging, and only likes what she likes. I suggested that if the school made it compulsory for kids like her to take on additional work and learning opportunities, it would be better because then she couldn't say no. She has not yet developed the ability to think long-term and consider the repercussions of present desires and choices on her future, so she should not be given the option to say no to learning more.

I met with silence.

That was 11 days ago, and since then, I have been in an agony of self-doubt. I have prayed many times and surrendered the matter into God's hands for his resolution, because I am starting to feel somehow that I am one of those feared troublemaker parents who demand too much from schools. It got so bad I started to imagine that the teacher was avoiding me, because strangely, since I sent that email, I have not bumped into the teacher at school like I used to, when we would exchange a smile and wave.

Was I too blunt?
Should I have kept my frustrations and feedback to myself?
Perhaps the teacher thought I was criticizing their teaching style and decisions?

I read and re-read my email many times, ruing the day I had pressed "send" so hastily.

I had expected empathy and understanding and assurance, perhaps some advice from the perspective of an experienced educator.

After all, this teacher and I have established what I thought was a good working relationship since Term 1, and I had always felt comfortable emailing for updates on my child's progress.

Guess I hit a boundary.

Yesterday, I finally got angry. (Yes, I found my inner warrior.)

I read my email again and decided that I was perfectly within my rights as a parent to say what I said, and that if the teacher disagreed, surely they ought to reply and let me know their stand, and not just keep silent and avoid the whole thing.

How rude.

Then it happened.

Our paths finally crossed yesterday. We looked each other in the eye: he smiled and waved as though nothing was wrong. I smiled and waved back.

So maybe the matter has not been fully resolved, but at least some goodwill remains, and maybe this is one that I will have to let go.

Maybe the teacher is a pleaser too, and is choosing to avoid confrontation.

Now that is an interesting thought.

Discovering and Using Our God-given Gifts

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Fri, 22 Aug 2014 04:14:00 +0000

I'm very blessed to be bilingual.

My Mandarin isn't the best, but being able to speak it fairly fluently has made it possible for me to connect with non-English-speaking families and to help them in a practical way.

Last week, we were in the middle of Coffee Club when I looked out the chapel and saw this Chinese-looking couple standing outside the gate, with a slightly puzzled expression on their faces, like, "Help!"

I went out and spoke to them in Mandarin. Turns out they are from China and were looking to enrol their child at our school for Term 4.

Before I knew it, I found myself taking them to the Admin Office, speaking to the staff about their request, helping them with paperwork and booking them in for an interview with the Principal.

Of course, as the hubby didn't speak English at all and the wife only haltingly, I volunteered to be their interpreter at the interview.

That was yesterday. My Mandarin was taxed to the limit when they asked the P about his vision for the College, and I had to be quite careful translating their queries about the School's ranking, priorities and values.

It was challenging but fun. I've made a new connection and practised my conversational Mandarin with people who speak it better than I do. They were offered a place for their child. Win-Win all round.

Today I got to do it again.

I overheard two members in my ladies' bible study talking about the need for A to see a TCM practitioner recommended by B. Neither A nor B speaks Mandarin, and the doctor doesn't speak much English. So I volunteered to help the lady make the appointment and accompany her to see the doctor.

Time to get out my Chinese-English dictionary again.

Thank you to the Singapore education system for its insistence on bilingualism.

I hope my children can be functionally fluent in at least one other language too, so that when the opportunity comes up to serve someone, whether privately or professionally, they will be able to do it.

Creativity and the Monthly Cycle

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 25 Jun 2014 03:55:00 +0000

Made an interesting connection today.

I finally - after 3 months! - got the urge this morning to revisit my first draft of the book I'm writing.

And I wondered why. Why now? What is it about this particular day or week that seems to have awakened in me the desire to be creative and the impetus to actually do the thing I've been procrastinating and avoiding?

And then it occurred to me that it's been a week since I last had my period.
\
Meaning I'm at my most fertile.

Could that be it?

I've been reading Philippa Gregory's The Lady of the Rivers, a historical novel about the Duchess of Bedford who was a descendant of Melusina, the water goddess, and had the gift of Sight. Somewhere in the first pages was a mention of the significance of the lunar cycle, and my unconscious mind seemed to have made a connection between that and my sudden sense of being in flow.

I've not investigated further to see if there's any scientific backing for my new theory, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is something there.

Year 3: The Year It Finally Starts to Happen?

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Thu, 22 May 2014 08:05:00 +0000

I've been told by more than one person that it takes a new business an average of three years to get up and running.

I did not understand that until recently.

It will be three years this July since I started Agnosco Training and Coaching (with people still calling it "Agnostic" or not being able to pronounce the word).

Year 1 was about getting over myself. The easy part was the external: the business cards, logo, vision and mission statement. The hard part was the self-doubt. Who was I to start a business when I had no business know-how, no list, no business plan and no strategy for getting out there and getting noticed?

Year 2 was about trial and error. I ran a couple of workshops from community centres, with attendances ranging from zero (the Goal Setting one) to 6 (for Confidence and Parenting). I experienced every possible emotion as I tried to articulate to others in my tiny and not very confident voice what it is I actually do, because all the while I had this huge cloud of negativity and self-doubt hovering over me. So I was sort of moving forwards with my big hairy audacious goal but also regressing every time my inner critic got louder than my desire to make a positive difference in my community.

At the same time, just by getting in the game and hanging in there, I was getting clearer about who I am and what I stand for, what I value and where I want to have the most impact.

Year 3 - some things have fallen away and other connections have strengthened.

Last July, I ran a parenting seminar on the Five Love Languages at church with a friend who trained at the same coaching school as I. It was well received, but then I did nothing for the rest of the year because I had nothing else to offer save my individual coaching packages, which was too big a leap for most people.

In the first quarter of this year, a seemingly random conversation on FB with another friend who had trained at the same coaching school (how do they keep popping up?) turned into a brainstorming session. It was an indicator of my willingness to bust through my fear boundary that I agreed to meet in Williamstown, a 30-minute drive away in a suburb I'd never driven to by myself before. We met a couple more times and got so enthused about our overlapping vision for parents that we committed to run a parenting seminar together: Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids. We then mapped out a strategy (and this is where we went further than I did in Year 2) that would allow us to go beyond the one seminar to offer our attendees much more depth, knowledge and application.

We had 6 very enthusiastic ladies turn up. At the end of the seminar, my friend offered them the opportunity to upgrade to a half-day workshop on Emotional Intelligence, and 3 signed up on the spot, with one lady signing her husband up as well.

We offered two timings: a Wednesday morning and a Saturday morning, after asking the attendees what days and times they preferred. So we now have two attendees committed to each of the half-day workshops, an intimate number which will allow us lots of room for improvement I'm sure.

In the meantime, a couple of friends mentioned that they would like to attend the parenting seminar but can only come on a Tuesday night. So we've organized a separate session for them, and promoted the event to our contacts. Last Sunday, I received a text from a lady I recently met, saying she and two friends would like to book in for this seminar. So we now have 6 attending the 2nd seminar.

I also have a lady who can only come on Tuesday morning, and I suggested to her that we run it from her home and she could invite her friends. She has a large social network with a strong word-of-mouth culture and I am looking forward to sharing my content with her and her friends.

Personal connection, which I had undervalued in Years 1 and 2, has started to pay off. I have recently been invited by an acquaintance who is a local business owner and has supported me in the past by allowing my event flyers to be displayed at his business premises, to speak at two events he is organizing. It's a win-win for both of us. He gets sponsorship and a guest speaker. I get to raise my profile locally.

Another local business owner, the owner of the dojo my child and I go to, distributed my event flyers to their school families. She is very selective about who she promotes, so I am grateful for her support. I guess it helps that I've been a regular for nearly 2 years now, both as a parent and as a student.

Then there are the small groups I belong to, some of which have individuals whose strength is championing others. They are happy to spread the word to their friends and contacts and do my marketing for me in a way I could not replicate, just because they share that special connection of trust and rapport with their friends.

We are now in the pleasant position of being booked out for May and June. This is a long way from even a few months ago, when I kept having to reschedule or cancel my venue bookings because of a lack of response.

So what have I learned?

(1) Don't go it alone. Find a partner to work with who shares your values and vision, the all-important WHY. Having a partner halves the work and the pressure, and doubles the creative output and fun.

(2) Keep serving and connecting where you are. You never know when a connection will lead to an opportunity. Do it with a clean intention of wanting to serve and make a difference, not because you hope to get something out of it. And when you finally do get the response you want, make sure you follow up and keep the connection alive with useful information and personalized contact.

(3) Believe in yourself and your vision. God has designed you with a unique purpose and fitted you for a job that only you can do. It may take longer than you expect, but it will be worth it.

(4) Stay in the game. Building a business and building relationships take time. People need to get to know you before they will trust you enough to buy your services or products. It's not about you. It's about human nature - it takes 7 exposures to something before the average buyer will consider saying yes. Meanwhile, get to know where people are in their lives and what they need, and find out if you have what can help them solve their problems. Keep getting seen and heard, keep refining your skills and content and offerings, so that when the time is ripe, they will know who to contact.

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 05 Mar 2014 09:22:00 +0000

Had coffee with an amazing young woman today.

We met at a business luncheon a week ago and somehow fell into conversation while queuing for coffee, and struck up such a rapport that we swopped details immediately.

I was touched by her physical beauty and the care she took to present her best self, as well as a certain vulnerability and softness that I perceived in our initial encounter, and that she revealed even more of during our 2-hour conversation today.

The encounter is also a reflection of who I am becoming: three years ago, I probably would have been too much inside my own headspace to engage meaningfully at a similar event, much less offer to drive from here to Yarraville (23 km!) to meet for coffee, given my dislike of driving long distances and to unfamiliar places where parking may be a problem.

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 02:03:00 +0000

Had an incredible conversation with our head of Junior School this morning.

I had requested a meeting last term to discuss what some parents and I thought of as "not enough" awards being given to academically able students at the year-end assembly, and also a perceived lack of extension programs and opportunities for the academically able.

Two years ago, achievement awards were given to academically outstanding students, one in each year level.

Last year, the criteria changed. The achievement award went to one student in each year level who had struggled academically. No awards were given for academically outstanding students, except for a Dux of Junior/Middle School award.

Some parents were disgruntled about the change in criteria and the fact that their children who had worked very hard all year and were at the top of their class had missed out on being formally recognized for their achievements.

Today I learned that the school is adopting the philosophy of a Growth Mindset and Intrinsic over Extrinsic Awards.

Extrinsic Awards are the mentions at assembly, recognition and prizes you receive for doing well.

Intrinsic Awards are for character and qualities: courage, resilience, friendship...the things that cannot be seen and measured easily.

The school feels that when children graduate into the workforce, they will not always receive promotions or praise from their employers, so why encourage a culture of always expecting to be rewarded for doing well? Children should do well because they love learning and want to excel for its own sake.

So from now on, the emphasis is on Intrinsic Awards while achievements will be celebrated within the class.

Not sure how such a philosophy will sit with academically rigorous countries like Singapore, where it's all about the marks and distinctions. Also, it will be interesting to see how the academically able students respond. Will they switch off if no one tells them they are doing exceptionally?

More exciting: the school is offering two new programs this year to encourage academically able and aspiring students to extend themselves in literacy and numeracy.

A reading program is also being rolled out at the Year 2 level, with students being divided into small groups for reading three times a week with a teacher or parent helper.

I've been asked if I'd like to lead some of the groups, and was assured that I would be properly trained for the role.

I then asked if the school has a leadership program in mind for the students, and shared with her about Stephen R. Covey's The Leader in Me book and program. She flicked through the book and expressed interest in the ideas, so I said she could hold on to the book and take her time with it.

On my way out, the head asked what else I have planned for the day.

I said I was going home to write my book, and told her a bit about Reinvent Your Life at Any Age. She said maybe I could come in and talk to the older students about the book writing and research process.

So thrilled, humbled and grateful that my love of learning and belief in the potential of young people is now being given an opportunity to be put in service.

I am learning the timeless truth of Matthew 7:7 in all its simplicity. "Ask, and you will receive. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you."

I am also learning about the power of enthusiasm and self-belief and just putting yourself out there in service to others.

God is opening doors this introverted, tongue-tied and under-confident person would never have dared knock on, much less expect would open.

How an app helps Christian sportsmen maintain their faith on the field

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 09:06:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 08:47:00 +0000

Blessed be the Lord, who has surely heard my cries and prayers.

Slowly but surely, He is shaping B into a young woman after his own heart.

Last Sunday when our family hosted morning tea at church, B ran around collecting used coffee cups, cleaned tables and helped out with a cheerful demeanour that made me weep happy tears inside.

There was a time not too long ago when she would refuse to step up when it was time to help. The change is so wonderful to see, and I marvel at how far she has come in the last few months.

For most of 2013, she was often sullen, defiant and had such an embedded sense of entitlement that I despaired of my parenting ability.

Now she greets me with a hug on waking up, and we engage in spontaneous conversations about the IB program, Dave and Phil, Troy Savans, Tyler Oakley, YouTube happenings, global poverty and her latest creative writing ideas.

Today when I complained about my sore neck and shoulder, she Googled the topic, then sat me down, massaged my neck to locate the knots, and instructed me through a set of stretching exercises.

Next she helped me take down all the old photos from the wooden divider that served as family photo board, even locating the right screwdriver for the job, and rattled off terms like "flathead" and "jimmy". Got potential to be a handywoman, this one.

We talked about vision boards - she wants one for her room. Played badminton for the first time - she praised my playing (amazing! praise from my normally blunt and sarcastic daughter!).

I'm just waiting for the transformation to "kind, helpful big sister" and "okay, maybe going to a different school for Year 7 is not such a bad idea".

My biggest challenge for 2014...

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Mon, 23 Dec 2013 03:33:00 +0000

...is not authoring and publishing my first book.

Or coming up with a unifying and inspiring vision for the children's ministry at church.

Or even whether B will agree to move to KIC if she can get a place there for high school.

To paraphrase my guest expert Mark Brouwer, it's about looking inside to make sure that I'm in a good emotional and spiritual place, dealing with my shady side, seeking support where I need it, and believing that even when I do not appear successful, God can still use me.

It's remembering that His purposes and ways are higher than mine. My striving and goal setting and aspirations for the future all well and good, but they must not supplant what God wants me to do.

It's about staying open and being willing to change direction if He so asks.

It's holding on to things, desires and even relationships lightly, because at any time He might require them of me.

How long should a house guest stay?

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Tue, 10 Dec 2013 06:18:00 +0000

Excepting very good (that is, 自动）friends who are independent and mobile, thus allowing a degree of space and privacy, the ideal length is two weeks.

Long enough to have some good conversations and genuinely savour the reconnection. Short enough that we can maintain the norms of best behaviour without feeling strained.

At three weeks, tension creeps in, tempers start to fray, and we become more authentic and decidedly less polite. A line is crossed. When will they go??!!

At four weeks, the gloves are out, shouting matches begin, unfortunate words are traded and all attempts at common courtesy are dropped.

Thus, brevity is the soul of friendship (or kinship, as the case may be).

How To Give Away A Job Without Guilt

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Mon, 28 Oct 2013 02:47:00 +0000

Last week, I handed my boss my letter of resignation after two-and-a-half years.

It's only the second time in my life that I've done this, so even though I had planned it for months, there was still a bit of reluctance to commit intention to paper and draw that line in the sand.

Well, it's done now and there's no looking back.

I wrestled with the guilt: how can I give away a job that was created for me and that has allowed me the "luxury" of a second (albeit tiny) income? Such ingratitude.

How can I insist on following my dreams and passions when there are people who are jobless and would love an opportunity like mine? Such recklessness and irresponsibility.

In the end, it was about sustainability. I have made the choice to free myself and my energy from what had become a source of pain, dread and mediocrity to focus on what I am hardwired to do, love to do and could get good at doing if I persist at it.

It's the gap between here and that moment of external validation and visible success that is so hard to bear.

While it's in progress, there's nothing to show for it. No extra zeroes in the bank account. No sold-out seminars or NYT bestseller. Standards that are so easy to measure and so irrefutable.

It's a hard slog from now, and a worthwhile one.

What You Can Learn From Diana Nyad

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Tue, 03 Sep 2013 08:07:00 +0000

If anyone has good reason to give up on their dream, it is US marathon swimmer Diana Nyad.

This week, the 64-year-old set a new world record by swimming 180 kilometres from Cuba to Florida. A two-day, two-night swim starting at Havana and on through the treacherous, shark- and jellyfish-infested Florida Straits.

And she did it without the aid of a shark cage.

Even more inspiring, the swim was her fifth attempt in 35 years. Her first was when she was 28.

On previous attempts, jellyfish stings, an asthma attack, fierce currents and storms got the better of her.

What made the difference this time?

According to her friend and chief handler Bonnie Stoll, "Diana did her homework."

After each failed attempt, Diana would learn from the attempt, make adjustments, improvise, and consult experts.

To break the cycle of jellyfish stings, she found an expert on box jellyfish to help her contain the threat.

To ward off sharks, she used a team of shark divers who carried special zappers.

She discovered which wetsuits served her well in saltwater and which nutritional gels and drinks best fueled her journey.

She was also quick to back her own judgment. When her custom made prosthetic mask started to cut her mouth and tongue and make it hard for her to breathe, she discarded it.

Diana Nyad has not only set a new record for distance swimming, she has become a new reference point that anyone can succeed at any age, if they want it enough.

If Diana can do it, so can you, if you learn from her experiences and model her strategies.

Here are five lessons that can empower the way you live.

5 Lessons from Diana Nyad's 110-mile Swim

Never give up.
Surround yourself with experts who know more than you do, and tap on their wisdom.
Trust your judgment. If you try a certain solution and the outcome doesn't serve you, let it go and move on.
Plan to succeed.
Be flexible. If Plan A doesn't work, try Plan B. If Plan B doesn't work, try Plan C.

As Diana famously said after emerging from the surf at the end of her epic swim, "You are never too old to chase your dreams."

OVER TO YOU

Do you have a story to share of how you overcame the odds and accomplished something that means a lot to you?

What is one thing you can do today that can help you reach a dream that has been in your heart but which has not yet come to fruition?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please share by posting in the Comments box below!

Finding my inner warrior

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Tue, 03 Sep 2013 00:08:00 +0000

One of the things I find hard to do is speak up for what I believe in.

Even if it's for a worthy cause, there's still that initial apprehension and anxiety over what to say and how it will be received by the other person. Will they get my point of view? Will they think I'm being difficult? (The people pleaser in me cringes at the thought of displeasing anyone.)

Yesterday, I found my voice, and spoke to my daughter's drum teacher about a song choice she'd made for my daughter's upcoming public performance.

Now I do enjoy some of the latest music by Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, Ed Sheeren and Pink. I even know - and like - Little Mix's new song Wings. It's girl power in a wholesome way.

But I draw the line at ear-blasting raunchy music and lyrics that proudly purvey values in conflict with my Christian faith.

The last time, I objected to my daughter playing Highway to Hell.

This time, thanks to my daughter informing me of the lyrics of Bruno Mars' Locked Out of Heaven, I told the teacher I did not think that was an appropriate song choice.

Her straight-out unfiltered response, "Not again!"

Like I was being a difficult mum or something.

I told her very politely that I could see how as a drummer, her focus would be on the beat and rhythm of the song, but when my daughter plays it publicly, people are going to notice mostly the lyrics. And lyrics like these are definitely not on.

...But swimming in your water* is something spiritual
Ooh!
I'm born again every time you spend the night
Ooh!
'Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

... You bring me to my knees, you make me testify
You can make a sinner change his ways
Open up your gates 'cause I can't wait to see the light
And right there is where I wanna stay

I didn't say this to her, as I don't know where she stands in matters of faith, but the way the lyrics attribute to the singer's lover the divine characteristics of God through the joy of intercourse, is offensive. It makes a mockery of the God who sent His only Son to die for my sins. I will not stand quietly by while my 11-year-old plays such rubbish in a public place which includes other families with impressionable young children. What kind of values would we be endorsing?

My daughter had a song ready to propose to the teacher - Wings by Little Mix. So the teacher worked out the beat for her, and that's what she'll practise. Even if she doesn't make it in time for the end-of-term performance, that's okay. We've both made our message clear and we hope something positive and valuable has been learned by everyone in the process.

Life with an 11-year-old

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Mon, 26 Aug 2013 03:05:00 +0000

I take my hat off to single parents.

If I had to do it alone, with an erratic 11 y.o. daughter being passive-aggressive and playing mind games nearly everyday, I hesitate to think what desperate things I might do.

Yesterday she took her iPod Touch to church, in breach of our family's no-gadgets-on-Sundays rule.

I confiscated it and put it in my handbag.

At some point in the afternoon, said daughter claimed she needed her wallet, which she had kept in my handbag (which I was certain I had not seen). She then relocated iPod so I could not find it (in my handbag). When accused of having taken it, she denied it and said she had merely hidden it in a secret spot (in my handbag). I thought I knew all the compartments in my handbag, but I checked and double-checked anyway. I told her she was lying, since I could not find the iPod.

When said iPod was eventually handed over by daughter, I issued a stern rebuke and put it away where she could not find it, and there it will remain till next Sunday.

That did not stop her from making a blatant attempt to discover the possible hiding place.

Her bizarre behaviour is getting from bad to worse.

She's a model student at school and a stranger at home.

She shuns showers and abhors ablutions of any kind, and is perfectly happy to go out with skanky, uncombed hair and her daggiest clothes. One time, she zipped a hoodie over her PJs and pronounced herself dressed to go out! And this from the person who loves commenting on celebrity fashions and mocks my hair and dress sense.

She doesn't do chores unless asked, and even then, she doesn't do them immediately.

She has trouble getting out of bed in the morning, keeping her room tidy, and doing simple things (simple to me) like hanging up her clothes and putting clothes for washing into the laundry basket.

She has clocked a few late passes this year, and they are increasingly her fault rather than her little sister's.

When introduced to new people, she refuses eye contact or mutters something no one can hear, or outright refuses to acknowledge the other person.

Interestingly, she is more polite with my Asian friends and will say "Hello Aunty so-and-so", but she won't extend the same courtesy to our angmoh church friends, adults and (unfamiliar) youths alike.

She is extremely moody, and I never know where I stand with her. She can be chatty and friendly with me one moment, then give me the evil eye a half hour later, like when we want to go out for lunch after church and she just wants to go home.

She has no concept of saving face, and I cringe everytime she does something smart alecky or inexcusably rude in public. I feel like she is looking for ways to draw some kind of unhealthy attention to herself. Or maybe she is just looking to embarrass her parents (who just happen to be Sunday School coordinator and teacher).

Where I used to blend into the group and let others take the lead because I was too shy to speak up, she is the complete opposite. She takes her relationships with the older youths in Sunday School for granted, acting bossy and disrespectful and trying to prove she knows more than the others. It won't surprise me if they get fed-up and put her in her place soon. It's like watching a trainwreck and being powerless to do anything about it.

There are these two boys at our church, 14 and 16, both very well-behaved and mature, whose parents we get along well with. The kind of boys I wish were my own. One time I heard that Miss 11 had said something sassy to the 16-year-old. I told him he had permission to sit on her the next time she did that.

She is nasty to her little sister and I feel so bad for the latter, who despite knowing what lies ahead will persist in hugging jie jie, or asking to look at the iPad or iPod Touch while jie jie is watching a YouTube video or playing a game. Jie jie will say "NO!" in the meanest way, sometimes employing a not-too-gentle shove, which makes the little one cry.

I feel like I have to go back in time to find out where I went wrong in my parenting.

No more co-sleeping

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 07 Aug 2013 08:30:00 +0000

Four years after she first announced she would move out of our bed into her own, Miss B has done it.

Every year we would nag and remind her of her promise to move out by her next birthday. The birthday would roll around, and she would postpone again.

With four to a queen bed, getting a good night's sleep is no joke. I sleep like a sardine between the girls, and inevitably wake up with a sore neck or other discomfort from having had to contort myself during the night.

Miss B had no such compunctions. She is a restless sleeper, the kind who kicks and thrashes.

So the months went on.

In typical B fashion, there was no notice that a change was about to happen in the household routine.

A week ago, she decided to sleep in her room. And that was it.

Now, as soon as she gets home from school, she goes straight to her room, settles herself into the upper bunk, and reads.

She complains of the purple/pink walls - a colour she has outgrown - and tinyness of the bunk bed, but it is still her special hideaway.

As for the rest of the family, the three of us now have more room to spread out in our queen bed.

With Miss J in the middle, who is in no hurry to move anywhere.

Thank goodness there is still one little one to snuggle up to at night.

Conversations about schooling

noreply@blogger.com (ShanMing 善明) — Wed, 17 Jul 2013 02:10:00 +0000

Had a hugely interesting conversation with a fellow mum at martial arts yesterday.

We discovered we're from the same part of the world, love writing and blogging, are interested in NLP and education, and are very mindful of what school we pick for our children's education. I was fascinated by her story of how she rang her ideal school everyday over an 18-month period before her son was finally granted a place. Definitely a lesson in "ask and you shall receive".

A few hours before that, I was chatting with my friend A whose boys attend the same martial arts class as me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I told her I was so impressed that her 12 yo is reading the NY Times Book Review and that he was able to have an intelligent conversation with me about it while we practised our kyondosa. Her four boys - all homeschooled - are well read and well-mannered. The 12- and 14-yos have already decided what university degrees they're going to study.

There was a new boy on the mat, a 13 yo who is also homeschooled. He too gave me the impression of being well-mannered, articulate and socially intelligent. There's something about homeschooling that I must investigate further.

This morning, a Chinese mum at school came up to say hello. I kind of knew what direction the conversation would take because of previous encounters. It is always about how schools in the southeast are superior to those in our area (the western suburbs), and how little academic challenge our school offers. Her Grade 3 child is taking scholarship exams (I didn't know one could take them so early) and attending special tuition classes for scholarship aspirants. She wanted my view on our school and the school my child used to attend.

The funniest thing was: at the end of the conversation, she remarked that she needs to learn from me because I convey the impression of being a very positive person. I told her that it's something I learned and anyone can learn to focus on the good things in life, the things that make us happy. Given my limited Mandarin vocab, I'm not sure how well that came across though.