The Next Right Choice

Baby Got Back

2012-02-26T05:55:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what you're thinking...but I'm really going to talk about my back.

For years, when driving on long trips, or even making my daily commute, I would try to lean back in the car seat and put my head on the headrest to get more comfortable for the long drive.

It never worked. It was never comfortable. My back was fine; it was straight against the seat, but my head was tilted way back to try to reach the headrest because there was a lot of fat in my back pushing me forward. I couldn't see the road well from that angle and it actually hurt my neck. I didn't give it much thought, just made the decision to stop trying to do it since it was always less comfortable than just sitting straight up.

Then last week I did a good bit of driving and realized I was quite comfortable with my head on the head rest. I got my "regular" back back. Yay!

For those of you who have never suffered from severe overweight issues, I hope my sharing of this type of thing helps you understand how every part of life is affected by obesity. There are so many parts of daily living that you take for granted that people with severe weight issues have to struggle through, adjust around, etc. that normal weight people couldn't even conceive. Like going on a long distance drive comfortably!

Anyway, as I near the transition from "obese" to "overweight" I am feeling so good and doing so many "normal" things; it's amazing.

For those who share my struggle, who are with me on this fitness journey, or mustering up the courage to begin....please know you are not alone. There are a lot of us who get it...who understand...who lived it. Get rid of any feelings of shame as quickly as possible and just make one positive choice today to take one step in the right direction. Just one action can, and will, change your outlook.

Take your life back. You're worth it.

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(Cute "Baby Got Back" video below just for giggles; if you receive this via email you'd have to click to come to the website to see the video)

Puzzling Out My Purpose

2012-02-12T07:09:00.001-05:00

"You are a piece of the puzzle of someone else's life. You may never know where you fit, but others will fill the holes in their lives with pieces of you."
-- Bonnie Arbon

I love this quote. It reminds me that, while I seem to love being the center of my universe and focusing on me, me, me.....there are other people with whom I interact who are learning something from me. It can be uncomfortable to stop and reflect on what, exactly, I am teaching through my words and actions, and to whom.

I am quite sure I have served as an example of "what not to do" a time or three in my life. I'm sure I have filled in holes in some people's lives with a puzzle piece of sadness or anger or confusion or mistrust or doubt.

I'd like to think I've also filled in pieces of others' lives with laughter, love, connectedness, friendship and warmth.

I get so caught up in survival mode in life that I forget that that my life does actually intersect with others. I generally feel pretty disconnected from people living out on an emotional island. I sometimes feel like my thoughts and actions don't really matter out in the world (except, of course, to my son where I am painfully aware I am being watched and serving as a primary role model...that's scary.) Do you ever feel that way?

Well, you matter and so do I. I sometimes forget this truth. And then someone I don't know and have never met will send me an email telling me they joined a gym, or made themselves get on their treadmill...because something I wrote on the blog inspired them. That's pretty humbling and it makes me want to make sure that the pieces of me that are placed into someone else's puzzle going forward are light and not dark, positive and not negative; I want to increase love and hope in the world, not decrease them....and I am reminded that I get to choose.

I don't know how I am perceived and I can't control those perceptions. What I can control are my own choices.

Maybe my job is to remain authentic, to speak from the heart, to keep it real, and to try to make more next right choices than next wrong ones....and let God take care of how those puzzle pieces all fit together.

♥

Contradictions

2012-02-10T14:34:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about being human, and how part of that human experience is realizing life is filled with contradictions.

I'm definitely a walking contradiction. So I wonder why that is, where it comes from, and if it's something I need to change. I spent a while navel gazing on this one (you know, staring at my navel, maybe picking out a little fluff, while deep in thought) and arrived at the undeniable truth. It's okay. It really is.

I long for, and crave, close hugs and physical touch and can also occasionally find myself recoiling from touch, even the hugs from my son.

I believe that God made the universe. And I believe in evolution. (Don't ask, but it makes perfect sense to me.)

I believe in predestination, and I believe 100% that you are responsible for your own choices and journey.

Sometimes I will run away from you, but when you turn to go I'll grab your hand and hold on.

I'm fiercely independent and self sufficient and incredibly needy.

I can simultaneously manage a highly technical career and taking classes/getting certifications/going back to college, be a homeowner and a landlord, be a mother to a wonderful, active child and all that entails, and be a friend to many people who I connect with, but I become paralyzed when faced with piles of laundry, a washer, a dryer, an iron and a closet.

I can crank up the contemporary christian music on the car radio to sing out loud and as soon as someone cuts me off I stop singing, call him a %$*^&%!!!! and then resume the song. (ouch.)

I want so much to be around people, laugh, share, talk, just "be" and yet I isolate, by choice, most of the time.

And I believe with all my heart that people come in to my world for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (and I'm totally okay with that) and yet I am so reluctant to let the non-lifetime ones go.

I don't think flushing out the root of my walking contradictions is even important. I think what's important is that I embrace them as all part of who I am, and that it's okay, and that if I say something I believe with all my heart today, then change my mind tomorrow, that's okay, too.

My life has been called the "Carly Coaster." I used to try to make it stop, and stay within the confines of the "right track" so I wouldn't get hurt Now I just invest in better airbags and in really good, non judgmental friends who ocassionally set me back on the tracks after I derail. :-)

Addagood

2012-02-04T08:17:00.000-05:00

I have a GOOD blog for this morning!

If I reflect back on how I have been making my life changes, it's been a slow and steady (albeit zig-zaggy) process. I talked about one component, "Incrementality", last June.

But something else that strikes me is that I have made the best, most effective and lasting changes, NOT by focusing on the BAD choices I have made, or was then making, but by focusing on how to ADD a GOOD thing. (How's that for a run-on sentence?)

Let me explain.

Before I started this journey, I was eating fast food all the time. It was quick, easy, sent me into a numbing coma-like state and kept me from feeling. Instead of reprimanding myself for those bad choices, or focusing on how I had to eliminate the "bad" from my day (i.e., don't go to McDonalds), I focused on how I could add a "good" into the mix.

So I made a rule. I can go to McDonalds like always, and I didn't have to eliminate ANYTHING from what I would normally have. I did, however, have to add in ONE good, healthier choice to the meal. If what I wanted was a Big Mac and Fries and (yeah, diet soda...what can I say?), I could still have that. In addition, I would have to add a salad. I decided that I was going to have one fruit or vegetable (vegetables were preferred over fruit for the nutrition but if they didn't have veggies, I'd have fruit.) And I had to eat the healthier item first.

It didn't take long before I realized the healthier choices were filling me up and it was definitely making me feel better physically. In a short time, I would order the Big Mac and the salad and forego the fries. Not because I was supposed to get rid of the bad, but because adding in the good kind of nudged out the bad all by itself.

I decided to add water. Water is essential to good health, good skin, etc. So I decided to get in 8 glasses of water each day. In doing so, I automatically found myself cutting down on diet sodas and coffee! So I didn't focus at ALL on "diet soda and artificial sweeteners are "bad") but rather tried to fill more of my day with beneficial things.

Once those things were in place, they automatically pushed out so many of the choices that got me in trouble in the first place!

I think by focusing on the "bad" or the "negative" it reinforces our predisposition toward low self worth and self punishment. I think, for me, the best things in life are accomplished with "good", positive messages, positive reinforcement, positive changes and reinforcing my worth and value. And, as old Martha says.....that's a GOOD thing.

♥♥♥

Who I Am

2012-02-03T09:20:00.001-05:00

As I grow closer to my goal there are so many freaking changes going on it's sometimes overwhelming.

One change is the extra attention I seem to be attracting from the opposite sex. All of a sudden I have apparently become interesting at work as men who have been in the building for years are now stopping me in the hall to say hello, or chatting with me as I get coffee (where the same guy hasn't spoken to me ever that I can recall.) Funny how when your body improves, so does some people's perception of your intelligence, character and worth. Hmmmmmm.

This is a big stumbling point for me, or I should say, had been in the past. Getting attention in this way is not something I know intuitively how to navigate.

It's like giving a 12 year old the keys to a car and saying "go out there and drive on the highway." He has no idea how to drive it, and would likely totally lose control the moment he started going too fast.

Well, welcome to my navigation of the opposite sex. I have no idea how to drive this newly developing "me" and in the past, when I got to this point, drove right off the road into a ditch. Getting out of that ditch took years!

Words like "you are beautiful" are like an intoxicating drug. I haven't felt beautiful most of my life. I remember a relative telling me repeatedly when I was young "you would be so pretty if only you would lose weight." My self perception was truly horrible most of the time. And I guess I created my reality based on those misperceptions.

I'm realizing that when I get certain kinds of attention, it reaches a place inside of me that has been deadened for many years - a place I turned off for self protection. But I MUST navigate this correctly this time. I'm not willing to get caught up in another relational nightmare. I'm just not. So in order to keep myself grounded, I think, I need to stay firmly focused on who I am, and what I want, and not let the attention shadow me (to a point where I get lost underneath it.) No freaking way.

So who am I?

I am a christian.
I am a comedian.
I am a dork.
I am awkward at receiving attention.
I still am afraid of bullies.
I can shoot first, ask questions later.
I am sensitive.
I am smart.
I am strong.
I am weak.
I am a lover first, but will fight to protect my own.
I am not naive but sometimes wish I still was.
I am vulnerable.
I am flawed, but believe in the power of grace and mercy.
I am forgivable.
I am lovable.
I am a lot more but don't want to reveal everything out on a blog. :-)

And what do I want?

To be loved for who I am, not "in spite of my defects."
To be respected.
To be valued.
And of course, lots more, but those are integral.

I can't lose myself in this "unveiling" process. I am going to work through this next phase as hard emotionally as I do physically. I. Will. Not. Derail. I won't. For the first time in my life, I'm going to come out on the other side physically fit/attractive AND with a strong, healthy sense of self. And though I am becoming receptive to attention, I'm going to allow my brain room at the romantic table along with the rest of me. I'm going to reason, and judge, discern and apply all I have learned. I will not make the same mistakes again.

I am Carly, and I approve this message. <----that's who I am. ♥

Another Milestone Behind Me (pardon the pun)

2012-02-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. There are some things I know that I AM, and some things that I know I am NOT.

For instance, I am NOT:

Super obese
Morbidly obese, or
Severely obese

Nope, this chick is now officially run-of-the-mill, ordinary, garden variety, simply "obese."

I started this trek with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 45.9 which is the "Super obese" category. In this category, many people require special-made caskets when they die because they cannot fit into a regular one. Granted, I was only a few pounds into the category, but that is, most definitely, where I started. I blogged about it a little here: http://thenextrightchoice.blogspot.com/2011/03/scale-my-legs-and-some-bmi-info.html

I have gone through 3 complete obesity categories and have landed in the 4th and final. My BMI is 34.4.

If you'd like to calculate your own, here's a link: WebMD BMI Calculator

Can I just say how proud I am of myself? I have worked hard on this zig-zaggy ride, but I am staying the course and steadily getting where I want to be.

In 33 more pounds, I will no longer be obese AT ALL. I will just be "overweight." I know overweight (allegedly, according to a piece of paper) people who I think are simply gorgeous and completely fit. I am sooooooooo close to getting there.

So that's my next "number" goal. I'm not all that worried about it, either, because I know I'm going the distance this time. Yup, I really am.

♥

Food As Fuel

2012-02-01T07:01:00.000-05:00

I have heard for years that food should be viewed as "fuel" for the body. While that is a very logical statement, when you're talking to a food addict, "fuel" isn't even on the radar.

To people who struggle with food issues, food can be:

comfort/solace (mashed potatoes, mac'n cheese?)
escape (hard to focus on feelings when knee-deep in Ben and Jerry's)
fun (thinking about, buying, preparing, decorating, arranging, eating, socializing)
a numbing agent (to dull feelings)
a sleep aid (carb coma, anyone?)

I don't think most folks with obesity issues are thinking "Hmmm, and what kind of fuel does my body need right now? Protein? Perhaps a complex carb?" If my experiences mirror those of others, we weren't really thinking at all..AND...at least for me, I wasn't in touch with my body and what it needed. I wasn't in touch with my own heart and mind and what it needed, let alone the body. In fact, the real me was lost deep underneath so much fat I was quite out of touch with anything my body was telling me.

Now as I start fine-tuning this process of getting fit, there are always new things to learn. One I am working hard to understand is how my body uses food as fuel. Questions I am trying to figure out include:

When should I eat the complex carbs (potato, brown rice, etc.)
How MUCH is okay per day?
When and how much protein? Fruits? Veggies?
Should I have whey protein before my workouts to fuel them, or during, or after?
What about at night to help me sleep and help the body heal/build muscle?

There is an overwhelming amount of information out on the web and weeding through it I realize I need a guide...someone who's followed the path and figured a lot of this out already to help me cut through the b.s. and get to good. solid information. (Thankfully, I have a friend who is helping me.)

But even then, there is trial and error because everyone's body is different and we all react differently. Here are some basics I know:

If I try to work out without complex carbs in my system, I'm going to tank. I knew this, and last night I just forgot to have a potato or brown rice. I just had some chicken and an apple (it was late getting home from work.) This morning, I was shaky, dizzy and had a hard time finishing 3 sets of exercises which I did last week rather easily.
If I don't have enough fat in my diet, I am hungry ALL the time and NOTHING will satisfy it. If there is no fat in my day, I can pig out on nonfat dairy, veggies, chicken, fruit and almost immediately after eating them I'm STILL hungry. Real hunger. Stomach growling hunger. But if I add some olive oil onto the salad, or stir some coconut oil into the smoothie...I feel much more satisfied.
Timing matters. WHEN I eat carbs really matters. WHEN I eat oils, proteins, fruits, etc. I haven't gotten any of it down to a science, but I'm going to start a journal and try to keep track at least of days that are hard, days I feel dizzy and reflect back on what was missing.

I guess the real bottom line is.......somewhere along the line, food has become fuel to me! I am always asking "What's in it for me" before I eat. Is there enough nutritional content, have I already had too much protein, can I add fats or not, etc. so I can be properly fueled. Wow. That's just crazy right there! :-)

Don't get me wrong. I love food. Thinking about it, shopping for it, finding recipes, cooking it, sharing it, looking at tastes, textures, colors and presentation. All of it. But I do it all now with an eye on what I actually need rather than what I am compelled to have. It's amazing.

I'm discovering a freedom from worrying about food and getting food into its proper place - to fuel my body so I can go out and have energy to do all the things I had put on hold for decades.

♥♥♥

Purgetopia

2012-01-29T13:38:00.002-05:00

I have had these comfy cozy pj's for a long time. Although I have purged lots of clothes over the past few months, this is just so comfortable I have held on and held on...not wanting to let go (more about that in a minute.)

So this morning every time I tried to lean to pick something up, the whole top would basically flop off of me! I really have no choice...this is just not wearable any longer.

This prompted me to head to the bedroom and reassess the rest of my clothes. Holy moly....there is now another huge trash bag full of clothes to donate. And I don't mean getting rid of clothes that are a little baggy. I mean things that look ridiculous if I put them on.

It was fun, exhilarating and freeing to purge out the old.

And it was also sad.

There are a lot of memories wrapped up in some of the clothes. Really. My trusty "tried and true" fat clothes that would cover me when I wanted to hide. Or would always fit me in a pinch. I can remember events I went to wearing certain things, or job interviews, etc. The memories of the past, while not always pleasant, are comfortable in that I know how to navigate life hiding in those clothes!

There is also some fear. I'm going into unknown territory. No fall-backs? No bigger clothes to run to? I've always kept bigger clothes in the closet in case I needed them. This time, I won't need them. I'm not going back. And I have no freaking clue what that means, what I'm heading into, where this path is going to lead me. I feel slightly off balance.

I've left my comfort zone completely behind me, yet I'm only halfway to becoming the person I think maybe I was always meant to be. It's exciting, for sure. And saying goodbye to the old isn't the easiest thing to do. But I need to make sure the goodbye isn't an "until we meet again."

Because I didn't "lose" those 80 pounds (where they can be found again.) I have gotten rid of them for good, just like the clothes I used to cover 'em up. "Au revoir pour toujours"....goodbye forever old me!

♥

80 Pounds Shed

2012-01-19T07:15:00.002-05:00

What does 80 pounds look like? How's this:

That right there is 80 pounds in the form of eight 10-pound bags of potatoes. That's how much weight I have lost as of this morning.

Can you imagine strapping a bag on each foot, a bag on each thigh, a bag on each arm, and one on either shoulder, then going about your daily business - like walking up and down stairs to do laundry, walking across a parking lot to do grocery shopping, then coming back and lifting the groceries to bring them into the house etc.?

I can hardly imagine it, either. Except: (1) That's exactly what I was doing...hoisting all that weight around and trying to function normally (no wonder I was always tired!) and (2) I still have 60 pounds+ to go. So I have another extra 6 of those flopping around even as I type this! Yikes!

Anyway, I'm pretty freaking proud of myself. I stalled out for a solid 3 months (maybe 4?) last year, but I'm back on track and moving right along again.

I have decided to reward myself in this stretch of weight loss (from here until I reach 200 pounds.) Every time I lose 5 pounds, I am treating myself to a flavored [skinny version] of a Starbucks coffee. Later today when I take a break from working, I'm heading over for a Peppermint Mocha while it's still available. Mmmmmmmm. Success tastes REALLY good!

♥

Something's Got To Give

2012-01-15T08:31:00.003-05:00

My #^%!*@ scale feels like it has not budged in months. Granted, in late summer and fall I was in a holding pattern of pigging out then half heartedly working out to a point where I gained nearly 20 pounds back. Then lost it. So as of January 1, 2012, I was basically right back to where I was in flipping August. That's disheartening, but I own it and accept it and started a new "push" on January 1st.

I have been at THIS weight, though, for weeks and I am seriously working it!

I workout almost every day. I have added personal training 3 times per week. I have stepped up the cardio (treadmill, elliptical, exercise bike). I will often walk 30 to 60 minutes even on days I'm at the gym with the trainer.

I am CAREFUL about my food. I am not eating junk. Okay, there was an unfortunate truffle incident, and some birthday cake, and....hmmmmm....maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm overeating all the time and not realizing it....?

No, that's really not it. I don't know what the heck it is, but here are some adjustments I am going to make going forward to help ensure my success. Some of these things I used to do faithfully and have slipped, some are new:

Drink my water. I will have at least 80 ounces of water per day (fill up my 20 oz bottle 4 times.)
My first meal (after working out in the morning) will be whey protein to help my muscles recover and kick off my metabolism. When time permits, I will add berries into the shake as well.
I will eat WAY more vegetables. I may not be eating that much, but I have also cut way down on the vegetables. I used to have 6 to 8 servings per day. Now I'm around 3 to 4 most days. I think my body needs them to speed things up and process everything else better. So more veggies.
I had cut out just about all carbs. For a couple of weeks I have had no bread (not even whole grain), no crackers, no potatoes, etc. This is not helping my muscles any and it's not having the "more weight loss" effect I was hoping for. So, I am going to incorporate complex carbs into every dinner and occassionally in my mid morning snack (granola, oatmeal, whole grain rounds with peanut butter, etc.)
Log my food. I have barely recorded my food lately and had stopped measuring in favor of "eyeballing" it. Well my eyeballs are liars. I tried eyeballing a cup of whole grain spaghetti a couple of nights ago and then used the measuring cup. Whoopsies.....reality bites. lol

I can get so overwhelmed trying to do everything at once that things start slipping through the cracks. I'd love a personal assistant to follow me through the day and remind me of the friggen details I need to remember. But since I don't have that, I'm going to have to just keep remembering, writing, revisiting and keeping myself accountable.

I am on a mission here and this is no time to be sloppy!

The picture to the right is from an artist named Leonid Afremov. It is called "December Winter Sunset" and I find it represents my mood. Fairly calm but with a lot of bright passions and fiery determination!

He is my new favorite artist. I just can't get enough of him, particularly his cities, at night, in the rain. The colors are amazing. He paints with oil using nothing but a knife. Pretty cool eh? Here is a link to Leonid Afremov's DeviantArt Gallery

Golds Gym 2012 Challenge

2012-01-14T15:32:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. This morning I had my weigh-in for the "Gold's Gym Challenge 2012." This involved wearing nothing but a sports bra and workout shorts and getting front and back pictures taken, getting weighed, and also getting measured.

As of this moment, I have 12 weeks to grunt, breathe, sweat, and work my way into as much fitness as I can jam-pack into a 12 week period safely, and with maximum effect. It also means eating "clean."

I have decided that I want to win the local gym's 40-49 female category. And so, well, I'm going to do it. It's just the way it is. I'm not sure if you've known me long enough to know the difference between "I really want to do something" and "I'm going to do it." The former is like a far-off someday wish that has no real goals attached to it. Like I really want to get my finances in order and a strong budget in place. I really do want that. But I make lame attempts at it.

This is different. I have a plan. I have a trainer. I have knowledge. I have friends. And most of all, I have a belief that I am going to do it. The worst case scenario, I suppose, will be working my butt off and not winning whatever is the local prize. I'm still the big winner because I will have busted my butt for 12 weeks and be so much healthier than I am right now. So why NOT go all out and go for it? Still, I really do think I'm going to win. :)

So that's that. Right after I weighed in I hit the "Cardio Cinema" for a solid hour. I love that room. They play movies on a huge screen and it's dark in there so no one pays attention (or sees) each other. I did the eliptical for 15 minutes and the treadmill for 45. And I walked for 3 minutes, then jogged for 1 minute -- the entire time.

I realize motivation may become an issue over a 12 week period. Plateaus may happen, and knowing me, I'll figure out a way to discourage myself during the process. That's where grit and determination will come in. I plan on maintaining a positive attitude and seeing this through to be best of my ability. I want the joy that will come from knowing how hard I am working for it. That's even better than winning. I think. I'll let you know.... ;-P

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p.s. I stumbled on this and think it's a riot. And it's funny because it's true. Enjoy...

27 Tips For The Gym (funny)

(Great Snack Find!!!)

2012-01-11T14:20:00.000-05:00

Nutrition Facts:

Nutrition (without walnuts): 1 square = 47 calories, .7 g fat, 8 g carbs, 3.7 g protein

Nutrition (with walnuts): 1 square = 63 calories, 2.3 g fat, 8 g carbs, 4 g protein

Ingredients:

½ C Xylitol Brown Sugar Blend (Ideal)
1 - 4 oz. jar baby food applesauce
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1 ½ tsp. ground ginger
½ tsp. ground clove
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla extract
4 large egg whites
1 - 15 oz. can of raw pumpkin
2 C oat flour
2 scoops vanilla whey protein
½ cup almond milk
½ C chopped walnuts (optional)

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350.
Spray a 9 X 13 Pyrex dish with non-stick spray.
Combine first 11 ingredients and mix well.
Add the final 3 ingredients (4, if adding walnuts), and mix until incorporated. Spread batter into the Pyrex dish and bake for 30 min.
Makes 24 squares.

Jamie's Pumpkin Protein Bars Recipe. PDF (12.9 KB)

Bodybuilding.com - Jamie Eason's LiveFit Recipes: Pumpkin Protein Bars

I tried these and they are AWESOME. I used the Splenda Brown Sugar blend (couldn't find the Xylitol type) and I used pecans instead of walnuts. But mmmmmm so good!!!!

And GUILT FREE!

Goal Control

2012-01-08T07:40:00.000-05:00

I think goals are important. Goals help us take control of our lives, set a destination, and help us figure out how we're going to get there. With measurable goals, we can push ourselves where we want to go! Goals rock! Goals move us forward in the direction we choose! Goals drive our decisions!

However, goals can completely derail me if I'm not careful.

When I start getting really excited about goals, I can lean toward grandiosity. A sense of being able to conquer the world can be a good thing. An absurd exaggeration of my abilities (with some magical thinking tossed in for good measure) can have me setting unrealistic goals (like in January 2011 when I thought I could lose 140 pounds in one year!)

In addition to setting goals too high, I can set too many at once. I'm the type of person who can "eat an elephant one bite at a time", but I can't sit down and eat it all at once. In other words, my greatest successes have typically come from making one good, solid next right choice, incorporating it into my being, and then adding another one.

When there is too much on my plate at once, I get overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I don't mean I shut down one of the goals, I mean *I* shut down. If I can't do all 15 things at once, I will end up doing nothing at all and start a snowball effect where I am not able to manage or handle most everything.

Setting unrealistic goals can be deflating, demoralizing, and can even trigger feelings of depression. And I'm not interested in backsliding my way into yesterday, thankyouverymuch.

Goals on my plate currently (which I really need to asses):

1. Golds Gym 12 Week Challenge

I signed up for this workout challenge. Next week they will be taking before pictures (in a two piece, what the heck was I thinking?) and I will be striving for most improved, over a 12 week course. Competitors will be evaluated in the areas of weight, ability, looks, and a written essay. And of course, I want to take the 40-49 year old female category.

2. 44 in 4

I set a goal last week that I would lose 44 pounds in 4 months, or exactly 2.58 pounds per week. According to my scale this morning, I did not even make it my first week. In fact, I somehow weigh one pound MORE this morning than I did a week ago. I could scream. In order to make the goal now, I would need to lose 2.81 pounds per week from now until April 30th.

3. The Magic 200.

The 44 in 4 was part of accelerating my progress toward hitting the 200 pound mark. This is probably every hugely overweight person's dream...getting under the 200's seems like such a huge victory. So tied to hitting 200 is: my 44 in 4 challenge, the huge accomplishment in my heart just knowing I did it, plus my grandmother has tossed out additional motivation - she won't say what it is, but has told me she has a reward in store for me when I reach that goal.

All that seems so good, right? You would think so.

So why, can someone tell me, am I not losing one freaking pound here? Why am I killing myself at the gym, hitting the treadmill at home damn near every day, and I weigh exactly what I weighed 8 days ago? I know I had two days where I ate things I shouldn't. One day I had 3 Lindor Truffles (note: eating one was awesome. Eating two was so-so. By the third it was actually gross. I don't recommend that much chocolate in one sitting. Blech.)

Anyway, I feel like I'm teetering on the edge here. While working on the goals I'm also:

changing my diet to incorporate whey protein to help with muscle soreness (in the form of a snack replacement/meal replacement)
have also started recording my workouts to record/track/compare and make sure I push harder each time
have started working out almost twice as much
On top of that, my newest trainer at Golds had his last day Friday and I start with a new trainer Monday
And I'm changing from 5:30 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. instead, meaning a whole new daily schedule to get used to.

Frankly, all this change at once, coupled with the lofty goals, seems to be having the effect of overwhelming me.

Some days I just want to run screaming from the world and go hide in a little cave until I get it all sorted out in my head. (I tend to live inside my analytic mind and sometimes it gets really crowded in there - I feel like I need to take everything out, organize it, rearrange it, purge what I don't need, and put it all back in neatly.) Yesterday I think I started that process and I'm not quite finished yet.

Putting everything on my plate in writing (where I can see it) is helping. I need to get my routines under control. I need to get my thinking under control. I need to get my emotions under control. And I definitely need to get my goals under control.

Because it seems this "out of control" feeling is spilling into other parts of my life, too. And I will not let that happen.

Mounting the Scale

2012-01-04T14:08:00.002-05:00

On New Year's Day I weighed 244.2. Yesterday I weighed 243. So imagine my surprise when this morning the scale showed "241.4." I was so flipping excited I hopped off, grabbed my cell phone (camera) and hopped back on, only to see it say "244." I got off and back on. "243.2" Off and on again... "243.2." I waited 2 minutes and got back on. "243.2." Hmmmmm.

Next I tried the "gingerly alight" approach. After tapping the scale once with my right foot, and using only the ball of my right foot, I placed it midway on the scale...oh so gently. I followed with the ball of my left foot and then slowly let both heels down until I was standing evenly. "243.2." Sonofa.....

I relayed this story to my BFF (remember, my best fat friend) and we laughed and laughed. It seems we both have our own little private superstitions about how to mount and dismount the scale for optimum results! (I know I blogged about it once before, but it's just so funny to me, and I keep on doing it.)

Let's face it. Some of us have developed some rather hilarious routines related to our bathroom scale.

Another friend told me today that might work for the old scales, but that the digital ones require you to hop on and get solid footing quickly. Who knew? All these decades of Scale Ballet techniques are hard to break! But I'll try.

Speaking of which, how many of us wake up, go pee, then rush to the scale immediately? The other day I got up, tinkled, went into the kitchen and had a couple of sips of water to wash down some medicine, THEN remembered the scale. I'll be darned if I'll get on the scale after a few sips of water...the process was RUINED, I tell ya! lol

Anyway, I just thought I'd share my scale thoughts. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with funny scale superstitions, habits, and methods. I may be one of the few, however, who openly admits it.

:-P

Carly The Conqueror

2012-01-03T21:45:00.001-05:00

So there is one device at the gym that I just could not do. It's an ab slant board. You tuck your legs up into it and lay back in a decline position. You are to basically do a sit up from that position, reaching your arms forward.

When my trainer had me try it on December 10th, I couldn't even get my shoulders off the darn thing. I blogged about it HERE.

I made a vow that I would win and not let that stinkin' machine beat me. I have been doing crunches and sit-ups fairly regularly since then.

This past Monday, after a vigorous workout, the trainer said he had one last thing for me to do, and pointed to the ab slant board. He said, "I know, you hate me."

I smiled and said, "Not at all."

He asked if I need help getting in it (in the past I needed help.)

I said, "No thanks. I've got this." (with a big smile on my face.)

He held his clipboard just above my hands to create a target for me to try to reach. I pushed the clipboard a little farther away. And kept smiling.

He said, "Oh really?"

And I said, "Watch me."

And I proceeded to kill two sets of 12 each, in perfect form, reaching the higher target.

In your face, ab slant machine.

HA!

♥

New Year, New Goals

2012-01-02T07:01:00.008-05:00

I started this blog at the end of 2010, and officially began the "Year of Me: 2011" January 1, 2011. January 3rd was my first day with a personal trainer, and I have pretty much blogged about everything between then and now.

What a difference a year makes.

On December 31, 2011 I went to Kohl's to shop for jeans. You see, it's been decades since I could buy clothes in a "real" store. The only stores I could really shop in were stores like "Fashion Bug Plus", The Avenue, and Lane Bryant. Heck, even Dress Barn only goes to size 24, so until this year I couldn't shop there. I actually asked a friend where people go to get their clothes! How am I supposed to know where "normal" people shop these days?

I went to Kohl's, and bought a couple of size 18 jeans. I also bought a pair of XL shorts! Understand, I started this journey at a size 30/32!

I began "The Year of Me:2011" at 320 pounds. After some fluctuations (I gained weight back in the fall then lost it again) I am at 244. That looks like 76 pounds to me (except it's really 94 pounds because of the 18 pounds I gained then re-lost!) Still...a net loss of 76 pounds? In one year? I'd call that a success!

I have had major dental work done (still more to go; waiting to afford it.)

I have had laser hair removal in a couple of places and it was worth every penny!

I started getting my hair highlighted and/or colored. My hair isn't very gray, but it just adds to that "polished" feeling.

I started wearing dresses and skirts. I didn't wear skirts for decades. I am back to loving them again and allowing myself the gift of celebrating my femininity.

I started going to the gym and have been doing so faithfully.

So I rang out 2011 with quite a list of accomplishments, and I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty darned proud!

How did I start 2012 yesterday?

Just as committed as ever!

Yesterday I went to my first 5k. They had options and there was a 6k route that was supposed to be prettier, so I chose that one instead. It took 90 minutes walking at a very slow pace (thanks, son) but the fact is, I started, I did it, and I have a benchmark from which I will keep getting better until I can RUN a 5k.

I started a workout log. I am going to keep track of all my workouts, how long, how much weight, how many reps, what was the point of failure, etc. so I can track PROGRESS. I want gains, and I want to measure results. I am also going to track cardio to make sure I push myself.

I have a short term aggressive (but achievable) goal. It's called "44 in 4". I'm 244 and want to reach 200 pounds more than anything. I haven't weighed that since the 1980's. My goal is to reach 200 lbs. by April 30, 2012. That's 44 pounds in 4 months, or 11 pounds per month, or 2.58 pounds per week. I am going all out to try to reach it.

I joined an online workout club that seems very supportive.

I signed up for a Gold's Gym 2012 Fitness Challenge. I bought shorts so I can go in and get a before pic in shorts and a sports bra (dear God, am I really doing that?) And I am going to kick butt for 12 weeks. I want to win in the 40-49 women's local category. Hey, someone's got to win! It will be in overall improvement (weight, shape, composition, plus an essay.) Wish me luck. :)

2011 was the Year of Me. And I think I did a pretty good job getting myself to "here."

2012 is going to be the year I really reach my fitness goals, achieve my goal weight, and set some other lofty goals (to be announced in the future).

The process, of setting goals, planning for them, and then remaining committed.....is an amazing feeling. It builds something inside that no one can take away. The sense of accomplishment and belief in my abilities is hard to describe to someone who doesn't set goals and then work so hard to achieve them. But if you do, you'll get this:

"What you get by achieving your goals

is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."

~Zig Ziglar

Happy New Year, my friends. Figure out what you want this year and then don't just "resolve" to achieve it. PLAN to achieve it. Set mini goals to achieve it. Then get off your butt...and achieve it! :-)

♥♥♥

December 28: Now and Then

2011-12-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

Don't really know if you can see the difference, but on the left is a picture taken at lunch with coworkers as I celebrated my 46th birthday yesterday. On the right is exactly one year ago, at lunch, with the same coworkers. That day, December 28, 2010, was "the last supper", or the last time I allowed myself a free-for-all piggout for any meal. Here's the blog post from that day:

December 28, 2010 Blog Entry

There is about an 80 pound difference between the two pictures. And that's surely not the only difference!

I am a much more confident me. I feel like I have so many more goals than I used to have. I have many more things I want to accomplish or experience in life. I'm no longer one to really just sit on the sidelines and watch life. I want to jump in there and participate whenever possible!

In a way it's made me look closer at the poor choices that got me so far away from my dreams and goals (from decades ago.) And That's OKAY. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, right?

Anyway, here's another before/after. The before was the first week of January when I was waiting to get my laser hair removal (eeks.) The after was taken yesterday.

Sometimes, I just can't believe either is really me.

:-)

Another Day, Another Trainer

2011-12-27T14:13:00.004-05:00

So. Rambo informed me last night that he gave notice and will be gone in less than two weeks, leaving me floundering around waiting for a new trainer. AGAIN. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

You know, you KNOWWWWWWW in life, I do not mind making the hard choices. I do not mind finding the inner strength to get up and do something. I do not mind sucking it up and doing whatever it takes to get something started.

What I DO mind very much is having to KEEP doing it over and over like freaking Groundhog Day (a la Bill Murray.)

For instance, I needed a new roof for quite a while. It took a while before I got in a place to be able to deal with getting quotes, checking references, and just DEALING with the whole schmeal. I hate it in general, but it felt amaZing to (1) pick a contractor, (2) get a date for the installation and (3) know I was getting everything brand new.

What happened then was what I am talking about. They did a horrendous job. I had to complain, they came back, did another horrendous job. I had to get a home inspector out to verify that they, in fact, did a horrendous job, then they came back a third time. ARGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I had a remote starter put in my car. It took some jockeying to get a good date where nothing else was going on, but I finally had it installed. It felt amazing to have made and kept the appointment. Too bad the &*^%&*%! thing doesn't work when the temperature drops below 40 degrees. So now I have to deal with it ALL OVER AGAIN.

Those are the things that will drive me to utter distraction, that make me crazy. It was bad enough having to get up the wherewithall to deal with it once, but having to KEEP addressing it...ughhhhhhhhhh.

So here we are going on trainer number 4. Ugh. Weight, height, fat composition, goals, blah blah blah. What a freaking waste of my time! It's bad enough getting up the gumption to GO to the gym, to deal with all the paperwork of contracting for a trainer, but really? Every two weeks I end up with no trainer anyway. I do really want to scream, but to whom? I don't even get the advantage of coming home to bytch to a spouse about the unfairness of the planet.

Nope, it's "suck it up, buttercup" as usual. Oh. Wait. But I have all of YOU to whine to, and that does not go unnoticed. Thank you very much. Now, if you could draw me a nice hot bath and arrange for a deep massage to get rid of the stress of it all, I'd really appreciate it.

In the meantime, I have half a mind to start acting like I don't NEED a trainer. I'm not sure, though, where the other half of my mind is, so I don't want to be too hasty.....

♥

The Evolution of "Healthy"

2011-12-19T06:37:00.000-05:00

What is "healthy" to you? What does being healthy look like? What does it feel like? What does eating healthy mean? For me, there has been a slow learning process - an evolution.

When I first started making healthier choices it was pretty basic. Drink more water. Then incorporate some extra vegetables in my day (alongside the Big Mac of course.) Over time the items in my refrigerator and pantry have completely changed.

Where once there was white bread, white rice, potatoes, crackers and other processed carbs, there is now whole grain wraps (which I don't eat often), brown rice, sweet potatoes, organic whole grain crackers (which I also don't eat often.) Where there was Lean Cuisine processed meals or other frozen dinners there is now fresh meats and vegetables. The whole milk is replaced with organic lowfat milk. And if there is an organic version of a food, I strive to get that rather than the chemical-laden versions.

There are almost no sodas in the house (except for company) and snacks are usually plain almonds, string cheese, cottage cheese, carrots, celery, organic peanut butter and the occasional organic dark chocolate square.

The point I'm trying to make is that none of this just happened. It has taken a few years of substituting one item for another until it became a habit, and then tackling another item.

That's how it goes with all of these healthy lifestyle changes. I have become more active slowly over time. I started working out once a week, then twice, then three times....now I work out a minimum of 5 days a week (because it FEELS so good to me to do that!) When I started I could barely walk from the car to a store without being winded. Now I park as far away as possible, take the stairs when possible, and get out and ride my bike when time permits. (Note: I didn't own a bike a couple of years ago; it's all part of the evolution.)

Here's the takeaway: Becoming healthy is multifaceted and it doesn't happen overnight. Make ONE "Next Right Choice" today. Maybe commit to drinking more water for a week. Perhaps you can vow to add apples to your daily food intake. Just do SOMETHING that is a choice in the direction of better health, then do it until it becomes habit. Once that is mastered, make one more healthy next right choice.

Before you know it, you'll be leaps and bounds ahead of where you are now. Just one next right choice. What'll it be?

♥

Reaching Out

2011-12-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

"Trouble is part of your life. If you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough." -Dinah Shore

For the majority of my life, I have operated in a very specific modus operandi. It went like this:

Live life the best I could, mostly alone (I did a lot of my living inside myself)
When the really bad stuff hit, go deeper inside myself and dig really deep, trying to pull myself back out
Once the bulk of the problems had past, let people who cared about me know that it happened (usually a sugar-coated "no big deal" version) and that I solved it, and that they wouldn't need to worry about me.
Rinse. Repeat.

I just could not reach out for help when life was hard, or when I was overwhelmed under the weight of all I had to do. Dr. Phil has a phrase: (I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan, but I love this phrase) "How's that working for you?" Well, it wasn't working very well at all.

When you are in a big hole, the last thing you should probably be doing is grabbing a shovel and digging. You're only making the hole bigger! Instead, sometimes you need reach out, ask for help and let someone reach down and help pull you out.

It's taken me a long time to realize this and be okay with it.

I think I've figured out why I did this (and still tend to lean this way.) I think my self esteem was so low I was petrified to show weakness or vulnerability. I didn't want to be judged as being bad, or stupid, or incompetent, or needy, or.... (you get the point.) I was a rock; I was an island. (And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries, right?)

The past few years, however, I have come to understand so much more about life and how I fit into it all. For starters, the only person really judging me as harshly as I thought was ME. Another thing I am learning is that when I completely shut down and blocked people out of my life (sometimes for years while I struggled to become "acceptable"), I was being very selfish and focused on my own needs. I wasn't allowing them to show up for me and love me perhaps the way they wanted to. I kept them at arm's length.

Well, things are a lot different now. If I need help, I ask for it. If I'm having a bad day or week or phase, I reach out and let my friends know. If I'm overwhelmed with all my responsibilities (single family home owner and single parent with a commute and full time job can get a tad overwhelming), I call in the troops. I have an organizer, someone to mow the lawn, a landscaper to weed the garden. Whatever it takes to get back on top of things. Whereas I may have felt in the past there was something wrong with me for not being able to do it all, today I realize, NO ONE is designed to perfectly do it all!

Anyway, in this fitness quest I am finding the same thing. I have reached out to those who know so much more about fitness and health than I do and am drawing on their experiences to help increase my own understanding and awareness. And I have a trainer because at this point in my life, that's what I need. Without having to figure it all out on my own and from scratch, I am moving forward at a really good pace.

My thought for the day: If you need help, ask for it. If you don't know how to do something, ask someone. If you are sinking under the weight of your responsibilities, get help. If you don't reach out, you are going to make life needlessly harder. I know. It's how I rolled for decades. ♥

Beyond My Limits

2011-12-16T11:05:00.004-05:00

I was a dreamer in high school. I believed in the power of goals. I believed I could accomplish anything I set my mind to do. I believed there were no limits to my potential.

Then, life happened.

Two weeks after marrying my first husband and moving out of state with him, he grabbed my shoulders and shook me so hard I thought he was going to break my neck. That single violent act changed everything. The physical, verbal, emotional and financial abuse ensued and over time I began to doubt everything that was me. Which in turn set off a slew of choices that took me farther from becoming that girl who could do anything. Life imposed huge limits / limitations on me, and I let it.

Well, that's all changed now, hasn't it?

I realize I have imposed limits to all I can do, all I can be, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am working hard on establishing several new goals for my life in all of those areas. And once I make them, I want to stretch them just a little....just past where I THINK the limit is...and see where that leads me.

Last night my trainer pushed me (lunges and squats with kettlebells) beyond what I thought was possible. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout "I can't!" I wanted to give up. Instead, I dug deeper, focused through the pain, and took huge, deep, "girl on a mission" breaths. And I finished what he laid out for me to do...and pushed way past what I thought were my limits.

What are your limits? Where do you set the bar? Are you living up to it? Pushing past it?

One thing I am learning....if left completely on my own, I don't necessarily feel like pushing past any limits (who doesn't like their little comfort zone, right?) So I am surrounding myself with people who see in me what I can't see (yet)...who believe in me and who can help me set and reach higher goals. And you know what? It's working.

:-)

Extractly What I Needed!

2011-12-13T20:54:00.000-05:00

I have found an amazing way to spice up my days in the "new me" world I now live in.

EXTRACTS! Ohhhhh the flavor they have brought into my otherwise dull world!

There are two huge staples in my daily diet: plain, nonfat Greek yogurt (Fage 0% usually), and coffee. I love them both and I like them plain just fine.

However, one day, after cutting an apple up into the yogurt, I thought how vanilla yogurt is sometimes a nice treat. I had some vanilla extract on hand so I gave it a try. It wasn't really all that tasty, but I liked the idea of adding some kind of flavor.

The next time I went grocery shopping I saw a "French Vanilla Blend". THAT was amazing in the yogurt and I used it for several days. On the next trip I got orange extract. Oh my! Orange extract into the plain yogurt with raspberries? Divine! (and I don't add sugar, just a drop of the extract.) I've now got banana, raspberry, strawberry and more!

I added a few drops of peppermint into my coffee and it was really good (a little drop goes a long way here.) I have also added raspberry and french vanilla. What an easy, calorie free way to add some extra flavor to perk things up a bit!

When it doubt, experiment, I say. Sometimes it really pays off and could be just what you need to add a little zest to your meals!

♥

A Different Slant

2011-12-10T07:09:00.000-05:00

So my trainer, I'll call him "Rambo" for today, had this great idea to show me all the ab machines last Saturday. It was awesome. So awesome that as late as Tuesday night I still couldn't use my muscles to turn over in bed because it hurt so badly.

Ok, that was an exaggeration. For starters, I actually asked for an ab workout. (I may as well have asked to stand and be punched directly into the stomach repeatedly!) Oh, and the whole not-able-to-turn-over-in-bed thing only lasted until Monday morning. (That isn't an exaggeration even a little! I didn't even want to eat for two days.)

All was going great during this 30 minute ab marathon until we hit the dreaded "incline slant ab crunch board thingamajiggy." This is a device that was taken off the list of interrogation tactics for suspected terrorists because it was deemed to be cruel and unusual punishment.

It is the first device at Golds Gym that has (temporarily) beaten me. I couldn't even do one of these things with good form or as high as Rambo wanted me to go. I am spitting mad. So I'm going to do what any self-respecting stubborn hard-headed woman would do.

I'm going to buy a home version of this slant board torture device and practice, practice, practice and I will MASTER IT. Bring it, ab board...You're Going DOWN!

I WILL post an update to this when I can do at least 10 of these in PERFECT form. Oh yes, I will.

♥

Breaking Through

2011-12-06T13:53:00.002-05:00

This has been a MAJOR week for me so far, and it's only Tuesday!

I have repeatedly put up barriers to my own success in the past. I have created obstacles that didn't need to be there. I built walls. I have found excuses. I have self-sabotaged.

Please don't think this is arrogant, but I think part of the reason I have put up these barriers is because I really have believed deep down that I'm capable of big things, and somehow I embraced the concept that I was unworthy of success. I felt I needed to shrink in order to fit in and be liked. I couldn't handle the thought of being more successful than others in my family. I didn't know HOW to be a true success. Failure, that I knew how to do with grace and style. Give me a hard circumstance and I could turn it into something good. Give me hardship and I could light a path out of it and lead others out with me.

But success? Egads, what does THAT look like? I have had so much potential in so many areas of my life that I let slip away.

In the past, I created and ran three businesses. All three enjoyed some degree of success and had much bigger potential. One was a partnership and I didn't get anything in writing. I arrived at the office one day to learn it had been sold by my partner. The other two, however, were sole proprietorships and both fully supported me. Here in Maryland, my business supported me, a deadbeat husband and his failing business, our home, a secretary's full time salary, and a fairly plush office space. When it imploded I had just secured investors and was about to go national and even market via television.

I'd like to blame my ex entirely for the downfall of the business, but that wouldn't be truthful. I made a series of choices and if I am honest with myself, I knowingly chose failure OVER certain succeess. That was a hard sentence to write.

Well, I am certain now that I want success. I am succeeding in my fitness goals. I am succeeding in interpersonal relationships. I want to make choices that will allow me to move forward into the light where I think I should have always been. Not the spotlight. Carly's Light. No more hiding in the shadows.

I will talk more about these goals down the road, but I want to end with my favorite Marianne Williamson poem (often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela) It speaks to my heart:
-------------------------------

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

♥♥♥

Masks

2011-12-05T10:35:00.002-05:00

Art by Don Michael Jr.

I think we are all brought into this world completely mask-free. Then life starts to happen to us. Before long we learn that we do not live up to others' expectations. I'm pretty sure I used to think it was great fun pooping in my pants and I can imagine being ashamed, scared, confused and mortified that my parents didn't share in my joy. I must have learned that I wasn't measuring up, and wouldn't measure up, until I started doing what was expected of me, saying what was expected of me, and being what I was expected to be.

So maybe in order to integrate and conform, we learned to wear our "good girl" mask or our "nice young man" mask from our earliest purposeful actions. This seems like it would be true of all humans to some degree, right?

For some of us, though, I think some things happened very early in our lives that took our mask-wearing to a different level. For me, I was molested between the ages of 8 and 10 (give or take). The masks became my protection. I wore a mask pretending that I was okay. I wore a mask at school of "over achiever." To compensate, and to feel "okay" I think I worked hard to get school accolades. I wore a mask at home (I didn't want to worry my parents or cause problems, so I kept quiet about it.) I went to church every week and felt like a fraud when I was told what a good girl I was. I knew the real truth about what was going on, so I wore a "good girl" mask.

In high school, I was often the funny one. The jokester that kept people smiling and laughing. Sometimes, though, that was a mask. Sometimes I was goofing around and making people laugh and simultaneously crying on the inside, hiding (masking) my hurt. Better to make the joke and laugh first than to be laughed at? I don't know, it was a good defensive mask at the time.

In dating, I felt who I was deep down was damaged goods. I couldn't just be "me" because "me" was getting buried further and further down as I started living externally (being who I thought someone else wanted me to be to help hide the real me.) So I wore a girlfriend mask, and later, a wife mask.

I think my weight piled on as another form of mask. It was a protective layer where you could not see "me" through it, but I could see you, just like a mask. It kept me at arm's length from people. It let me hide inside my seclusion where it was safe. Or so I thought.

I'm not saying I had a horrible life, that I never lived authentically, or that my entire world revolved around external validation. But I had so many freaking masks, my authentic, scared self was buried most of the time and I didn't even know it at the time. Not fully.

I have worked very hard over the past 7 years since becoming single to figure out who is underneath all those layers of defenses. I have worked hard to reveal who I am (even to myself), one mask at a time as I have shed them. The closer I get to living without ANY masks, the more I am able and excited to shed the weight, also.

Part of this might be age, as well. I am finally in a place where I do not apologize for being who I am. I like who I am. I embrace my imperfections in a way I never did before. And one of my greatest goals is to live out loud, completely true to who I am, inside and out.

My emotions are ahead of the physical at the moment. My heart has been set free to just be who I am. And I am excited for the day when my body no longer wears a mask, either. Then I will be completely whole again.

If I could pass anything along to folks today, it would be to strive to get rid of your masks. You were made perfectly imperfect, made to be exactly who you are, without apology. You are good, good enough, and those masks, though they once may have protected you, are probably not serving you well anymore. Try to find out any place where you are not being true to yourself, to your heart, and fix it. The freedom is amazing.

♥