The Next Right Thing...

Letting Go

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:47:00 +0000

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcome.
To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
To let go and let God, is to find peace.

Letting God...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 14:57:00 +0000

A devotional that I just received and started reading today asked "Under what circumstances do you find it difficult to believe that God is in control and knows what He is doing?"

1. When I am overly busy, and too focused on getting my to-do list done.
2. When I am angry, fearful or tired.
3. When my motives are out of line.
4. When I'm not focusing on today, and either getting caught up in tomorrow or yesterday.

It also asked "Under what circumstances is believing easier for you?"
1. When I am taking time to do my daily prayer, meditation and reflection.
2. When I am maintaining balance.
3. When I am "right" with God.
4. When it applies to someone else!

I'm Back...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 07:54:00 +0000

So right after posting that I was going to be posting more... I stopped posting. Oops. Well, a series of events led up to that. First I got sick with a horrible cold, then my husband left for a week long business trip, and then preperations for my daughter's first, real birthday party consumed me. But I made it through sober, that's the main thing! And I learned a lesson along the way...

I overdid it a bit with the birthday party. I don't know if it was my perfectionism or some other questionable motives that were driving me, but I had quite a to-do list, and it took center stage. I could feel parts of my program slipping away as my priorities got out of order, but I kept charging forward anyway. The good news is I knew what was going on as it happened, and did re-adjust a bit midway to make up for it. I was still keeping up my spiritual program, going to meetings, and maintaining all of my other weekly activities, but I knew my focus was off. My husband commented on it, and I received reminders at meetings about "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) but I kept on anyway.

And it all worked out fine. I stayed sober, it all got done, and I don't think I turned into a raving dry drunk or anything. But I find it interesting, because I can see how quickly a good program can slip away. I think that keeping God first in my life and in each day got me through it, though. Eventhough I could see what was going on, and I didn't change course, I admitted that to God, and just asked him to get me through it. And although I was very tired, and a little over-consumed, I don't think I lost a certain amount of serenity that I wouldn't have had a year ago.

The other thing that I learned was regarding my motivations. Despite all the prep work going on I still managed to finish Tozer's The Pursuit of God (which I highly recommend), and in the chapter titled "Meekness and Rest" Tozer talks about the importance of resting in God, as a way of maintaining your focus on Him. Remember meekness isn't weakness, but, as Tozer describes it - it is rest. Release from the burden that mankind carries. It is what comes to us when we cease to do.

As an alcoholic I know well that I tend to rely on my own self abilities too much. My own will power, my self confidence, etc. And it is all those things which didn't work for me when trying to get sober, and it is all those things which try to creep in and take over for God. I constantly have to watch and make sure that I'm not being self-led. That self-leading frequently puts me ahead of today, and focuses me on a project or task or something in the future. A friend at the meeting on Friday described this as putting our "selves" back into control, because by focusing on that goal we feel in control again. But of course we're not.

Tozer goes on to describe that there are three enemies to rest and meekness. And those enemies are also what make up the burden we carry. The first is pride, the second is pretense, and the third is artificiality. I knew as I was being driven by this to-do list for the party that I was probably laboring under the wrong motivations. I mean, yes, I want my daughter to have a wonderful party, and beautiful memories, and those are worthy motivations; but I also suspected that some other, less healthy motivations had managed to twist the healthy ones into something of their own. And when I read about pride, pretense and artificilaity it struck home a bit. There was definitely a drive to give her the BEST party, make big impressions on people and come off looking like the perfect little housewife. And how interesting... no rest and no meekness as a result! Just like Tozer said.

Well, the party is over now, and I will not likely do anything like that again (as far as parties go anyway - I'm sure I will operate under the influence of questionable motives again, and have to check myself...) but it was interesting, because although I thoroughly enjoyed the party, and was quite happy for my daughter, and we have some beautiful memories; I also noticed that I was a bit embarrassed over just how much I did. Somehow realizing my motivations kind of ruined it for me! Realizing that I was partially motivated by my pride and impressing people took away the payoff! If anything it made me feel guilty about it!

So, lesson learned. Next time I just need to remember that A.) It will all get done, and if it doesn't - it'll be OK. and B.) I need to look carefully at my motivations when my to-do list gets a little crazy!

On another note - I got my 90 day chip while I was out! No more chips till 6 months now!

Being Poor in Spirit

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:45:00 +0000

Just received a copy of Tozer's The Pursuit of God in the mail today and started reading it. Another book that I just read references it frequently, so I thought I would read it as well. In the second chapter Tozer discusses "The Blessedness of Posessing Nothing," as related in the beatitude of the poor in spirit (Matthew 5:3) and the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. He recounts that Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, because Abraham's love for his only son had usurped God's position in Abraham's heart. Tozer goes on to discuss the dangers in wanting and having "things" (whether they are material or not,) and the blessing we receive when we let those things go. He points out that it does not mean we have to become beggars in the street, but that it is their possession in our heart which is relevant. I suppose for some it may however, mean actually forgoing something, just as an alcoholic must give up alcohol if they want to receive life.

Anyway, so far it's well worth the read, and it inspired me to do a little inventory here on the things that I need to focus on dispossessing, and giving over to God. I'm sure that some of these may take a lifetime, over many attempts... (in no particular order)

1. smoking (current quit date August 28th)
2. nice clothing
3. nice home things, having a perfect home
4. perfect image (think Martha Stewart)
5. recognition
6. being right
7. control, my way (this include control over other drivers on the highway :) )
8. being "better" than my sister
9. husband, marriage
10. my daughter
11. getting everything done - the prominence of my to-do list
12. family and friends
13. beauty and fitness

I will probably end up adding to this list as I ruminate on it more, but that was just what I came up with after my first impression... should be simple, no?

5 things I've enjoyed in the last 24 hours...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 05:53:00 +0000

Feel free to leave a comment and share yours as well!

1. newcomers who come reularly to meetings.
2. explaining that bread comes from wheat we picked from a field to my 3 yr old daughter, and taking it apart to show her the grains.
3. explaining that pine cones come from the trees, and pointing them out to her up in the tree.
4. making and eating a quiche!
5. a good cuddle with my sleeping husband after a long day!

Sponsor!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:06:00 +0000

Got a sponsor tonight! Woohoo! Finally bit the bullet and asked another woman at my home group. There really aren't more than a few regular women there, so I don't know what took me so long. For some reason it was just very difficult for me. ANd finally this week, I was just like, why am I making this so difficult? The main thing is that I have someone that I can call, and that I keep working the steps. And I know I need to do 8 and 9 with a sponsor, so anyway - I got off my butt and did it. I will refer to her here as "M-." She was very sweet about it, and has been very sweet to me since I started, but she has no kids and works days, but in the end none of that really matters when it comes to working the program, so - here we are!

We will be setting up a meeting to get started, I expect sometime in the coming week or so...

Last Day of IOP...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:55:00 +0000

Today is officially my last day with the Intensive Outpatient Program at Valley Hope. I finished up the curriculum last weekend, but was still able to participate in group stuff up until today. We opted to do it, since IOP does improve relapse rates, and VH offers an online program that was perfect for our situation. Might as well put everything in our corner that we have available to us. It required 9 hours logged online each week, which meant close to an hour and a half each day for 6 weeks. It was a bit to manage with a hectic schedule and an almost 3 year old, but by logging in at naptime each day I managed. After all, sobriety has to come first. Sometimes it seems like family should come first, but without sobriety, I can't put them first, so I knew I had to make time.

And it was very helpful to keep me engaged. The content was mostly pretty repetitive of what I learned while I was in treatment, but it was helpful to be able to review it again now that I'm back home, and by making it a daily activity I knew I was getting a regular dose of where my head should be. It was especially helpful when I first returned home, and everything felt like I was sticking a square peg into a round hole. I definitely feel much more at home again, and like I've established a good routine, some new healthy habits, and am doing pretty well at staying flexible and making time for myself even though I'm staying happily busy.

But I am pretty happy that now I will have a little extra time each day to devote to sobriety in different ways. Either reading some literature or getting on here and journaling more about recovery. I haven't been able to journal as much as I would like, and so hopefully now I'll be able to do that. In addition to writing here, I want to start keeping a daily log of positives and negatives - my daily inventory, if you like. I've been doing pretty well at running through my negatives each night as I ask forgiveness, but I think it's important to keep track of the good things we do each day as well.

Another milestone is being passed this week. My husband left for his first business trip yesterday, and returns tomorrow. Fortunately a short one! He has a couple more coming up, which will be longer, so at least this one was short to get me used to it. Before when my husband went on a business trip, it was an opportunity for me to drink. He wouldn't be around, so I could drink without the trouble of hiding it, and after all, "taking care" of my daughter without any extra help meant that I deserved it... right.

Anyway, we were both a little apprehensive about it. And when I first got back from treatment we thought that maybe I would go visit my Aunt and Uncle when this came up. But things have been going so well, I felt confident enough to give it a go. And I must say, it's been a bit like the square peg again. Yesterday I definitely had more urges than I've had in a while, probably since I first got back. But I just kept doing the next right thing, whether that was emptying the dishwasher, hanging out in the kiddie pool with my daughter, or going for a walk; and I tell you what, it works! I don't think it will ever be a picnic to have my husband gone, but it has gotten more comfortable as it passed. I'll have a lot more confidence, and I expect a lot less discomfort when he has to do it again. And, I'm quite proud of myself! (But I do miss my husband and can't wait till he's home for dinner tomorrow!

Big Book on Resentments... Page 552, 4th Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:13:00 +0000

Just typed this up for a friend, and since I had it transcribed, thought I would share it here as well... has worked well so far for me, too.

"'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, 'The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.'"

From 24 Hours a Day...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 06:26:00 +0000

Disillusionment and doubt spoil life. The doubting ones are the disillusioned ones. When you are in doubt, you are on the fence. You are not going anywhere. Doubt poisons all action. "Well, I don't know" - so you don't do anything. You should meet life with a "Yes," an affirmative attitude. There is good in the world and we can follow that good. There is power available to help us to do the right thing; therefore we will accept that power. There are miracles of change in people's lives; therefore we will accept those miracles as evidence of God's power.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I will not be paralyzed by doubt. I pray that I may go along on the venture of faith.

Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hazelden Meditations, 1954

For me today this says something about what I need to do to get a sponsor - stop doubting and take action despite it. Have faith about it, and stop waiting to see...

Gold Chip

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 06:49:00 +0000

60 Days!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:15:00 +0000

Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Biiiiiiiiirthdaaaaaaay, dear meeeeeeeeeeee.
Happy Birthday to me!

And many moooooooooore!

I will get my chip Friday! Hooray!

From 24 Hours a Day...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Thought of the Day for June 29th-

"The program... involves a continuous striving for improvement. There can be no long resting period. We must try to work at it all the time. We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured. Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program. It is a timeless program in every sense. We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment - now."

Twenty Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations, Reprint Edition 1992

Monday Gratitude Roll Call...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:30:00 +0000

5 things I am grateful for today...

1. discussions about where corn comes from
2. potty training
3. washing machines
4. soccer games
5. beautiful warm weather

As always, click the Comments link below the post if you'd like to share!

To alcohol...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:18:00 +0000

To alcohol, thief of the most precious,

You stole from me, or perhaps I gave willingly. But the truth is, you wrapped it all up in an irresistable bow in order to get it. You stole precious moments between me and my daughter. Moments I will never get back. Opportunities long gone.

You stole them by making me drunk. You stole them by leaving me passed out. And you stole them by feeding my selfishness and by absorbing my focus.

She sought my attention. I ignored her. She woke up from a nap and walked around wondering why Mommy was still asleep. I lost my temper. I lost my patience. I didn't have to.

These were two precious years. The years that she is first learning her way in the world. The years that she is first learning what it means to feel loved. The years when she is first learning who Mommy is. These were the years of first steps and first words. Patty cake and itsy-bitsy spider. Pig tails and bloomers. Pink cheeks and delighted wonder.

Now she is learning to use the potty. She is talking in chains of sentences. She is exploring the world in fearless abandon, and asking "why" about everything she sees. And before I know it, she will be doing her first dance recital, getting her first girl scout badge, going to her first dance and flying away from me here to find her way in the world.

She is beautiful. And I may have lost that precious time. But I will not let you steal any more of it. It is like piles of gold to me. And I see now all the lies that you told me. All the lies you got me to tell myself. I see them for what they are now, and recognize what I have lost. From here on out I will be valuing every moment I have with her. I will not be listening to you. You will not steal her from me, for I know that is your goal. I still have a lifetime of precious moments with her. I still have an opportunity to build a loving relationship with her that we can both cherish. I will pour myself into being healthy for her, and being a good mother to her. I will focus on our future together and all of the blessings in store for us.

stay away,

L.'s mother

On Steps 1, 2 & 3

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:59:00 +0000

The biggest effect that alcohol had on my self-esteem was that it made me feel badly about myself because I couldn't manage to control my drinking on my own. I felt certain that if I wanted a good life badly enough, that I would be able to control it on my own. I thought that I simply had to choose "not to drink," but that never seemed to work, I kept drinking anyway. That in turn, made me feel like I was no good, and didn't want it badly enough. While it's true that it is my choice whether or not to drink, I didn't realize that I needed help, and that it wasn't quite as simple as sheer will-power. The constant guilt and inner dialogue and turmoil left me feeling like I was no good, and I was the problem.

It robbed my husband of the ability to trust me. It made me angry and resentful towards him. Because he didn't treat me as I should be treated. He didn't know how to handle the situation, and therefore did treat me unfairly at times, but that wasn't his fault, it was mine. No body taught him in school how to handle and alcoholic wife. It took treatment for me to be able to see that. When I started recovery I still felt very much like he was responsible for some of my problem. It also robbed me of some very special time with my daughter as a young child. Although I was always there, and although I was a "responsible, functioning" drunk, the disease was ruling my life, and my natural desires weren't. There was plenty of time wasted managing my disease, and hiding it. The effects that drinking had on me changed my nature and removed valuable patience I needed and replaced it with selfishness and self absorption. That doesn't make for a great mother.

Spiritually drinking left me stranded. I still had "faith" but faith alone gets you no where. I never stopped praying that God would intervene and help, but whenever He tried, I turned around and marched the wrong way. I was left empty and feeling very alone. I knew that God could help, but I couldn't figure out how. I still kept trying to do it myself, not realizing the importance of surrender. I didn't realize the arrogance in that, and I didn't realize that left me wandering in the dark, left with nothing but my own inability.

My higher power is an awesome one. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end. He is the origin of everything and its conclusion. He is everything I can't even fathom. He is love. He loves each one of us more than we could love any other person, even our own children. He made love, he is the source of it, and He gives it freely. He is all-knowing. He knew me before I was born, even the number of hairs on my head. He knows my thoughts before I do. He is all-powerful. No tragedy is to diffcult for Him, no trouble too great. If you can imagine it, He can fix it. He can fix it even if you can't imagine it. He is all-mighty. There is no person, no force, no situation which He can not triumph over. Every bad force or thing you could imagine in this world shakes in its boots at the thought of Him. Everything evil in this universe even acknowledges Him as God. He is merciful. He forgives us. And He is our salvation. He sacrificed His own son for each and every one of us. And it is through Him that we all have the opportunity for redemption. Eventhough 150,000,000,000 of us have probably walked this earth, He cares so deeply for each one of us that He is always there, always willing and always capable. He knows every detail of our lives and every thought we have from the moment we are born until the moment we die. He wants the best for us in our lives and has a plan for us. Even little, old, inconsequential me. We just have to turn to Him and ask.

And for me, turning to Him and asking means getting up every morning, and telling Him that I surrender to His plan for me. It's as simple as that. Yes there are alot of other details, but the only one essential is that I must want Him in my life, and give myself to Him completely each and every day. I must be hungry for Him. I must know that He is the way, the truth and the life. That there is no way to happiness but through Him. And you know, the line about "not forgetting our past nor wishing to shut the door on it" is very true for me in the sense that it was alcoholism that led me to this realization. I "knew" it, but I didn't know it. It was my inability to stop drinking, by relying on my own will-power alone, that led me to "give up." Giving up doesn't have to mean succumbing. It doesn't have to mean giving in. It just means that we have to stop trying to do it alone. Admit defeat. That we need help. It is true that "the poor in spirit" and "those who mourn" are blessed. For without being poor in spirit or ever mourning we would never know how much we need God. If everything was just perfect all the time, what would we need God for? Why would we ever come to know Him better?

Now that doesn't mean that, now that I have figured this out, that I will lead a perfect life. It doesn't mean that there won't be times where I have a bad day. It doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes, or get frustrated or start getting tired of "the program." It doesn't mean that I won't fall into routine and away from what is best for me. But as long as I keep asking him to come into my life; as long as I keep remembering to act myself into new ways of thinking and do the "next right thing" I shouldn't ever stray too far. WHo knew that it took "giving up" to win? Rather ironic, no?

To Alcohol...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 14:59:00 +0000

Hello Alcohol-

Yes, I heard you knocking on the door again this weekend. You thought you were so clever. The things you said, so smooth... "A nice dinner out with your husband just isn't the same without a glass of wine, you can handle it." Whatever, alcohol, whatever. You're not welcome around here anymore.

Did you hear that? I said get out, leave me alone. We don't want you or what you have to offer. Didn't you see the sign on the door? I know it's all LIES now. I know that you want to rob me of everything that is good and precious in this life. You want me dead. You want me miserable until then. You want my husband and my daughter to hate me. You want me to hate myself.

But I see all that now, I see you for what you are, and if there is anything I hate in this world it is you. I've chosen to live. I've chosen a life full of love. I've given it all to God, and he's in charge now. He's already shown me the blessings that lay in store for me. He's got a good plan for me, that leads to happiness, joy and a lifetime of precious memories.

And let me tell you, He is going to kick your butt. You thought you had me figured out. You knew my weaknesses, and were sticking your fingers into those wounds to get me to pick up a bottle and follow your plan. And alone I'm no match for you, I would have been yours. But look out, because my God doesn't lose. And He don't mess around. Consider yourself VANQUISHED. Because that's what de does to my enemies. Do you know what "vanquish" means? Let me help you out...

1 : to overcome in battle : subdue completely

2 : to defeat in a conflict or contest

3 : to gain mastery over

So, in other words. You're toast.

So you can go ahead and keep knocking. I know you will. I know that you'll always be there waiting. Too bad for you.

~me

Monday Gratitude Roll Call...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:08:00 +0000

OK - I'm running analytics on this site... I know that there are people reading! SO please leave a comment and share 5 things you are grateful for - it doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic, gratitude is for everybody!

1. Naptime
2. Fairy Princess Dresses
3. Email
4. Forgiveness
5. Fathers

Meditation for the Day...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 06:13:00 +0000

The spiritual life has two parts. One is the life apart, the life of prayer and quiet communion with God. You spend this part of your life apart with God. Every day your mind can be set in the right direction so that your thoughts will be of the right kind. The other is the life impart - imparting to others what you have learned from your own meditative experience. The victories you have won over yourself through the help of God can be shared with others. You can help them by imparting to them some of the victory and security that you have gained in your life apart.

Twenty-Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations copyright 1954, entry for June 18th

A New Way of Life...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 14:50:00 +0000

As a part of my recovery, I am making an effort to be a bit more flexible with my schedule, and try and not get so anxious over getting things done. For example, the other day, when I realized that my daughter had fallen asleep in the car, I stopped by the side of the road and picked some wild flowers that I had been admiring each time I drove past.

So today, on my way back from the garden center, I spied this Frau out working in the fields. I went home, dropped off my plants, grabbed my camera and headed back to snap a few shots. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Monday Roll Call! - Gratitude List!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 05:17:00 +0000

C'mon - leave a comment and share what you are thankful for... (I will try not to be repetitive here...)

1. early morning birdsong
2. online lawnmower owner's manuals
3. friends
4. Clorox wipes
5. little girl kisses

Being Meek...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 08:02:00 +0000

In my reading yesterday I came across the Beatitudes and their relationship to the 12 steps. One of my counselors shared that the Beatitudes are part of the basis for the program, but this is the first time that I've seen them layed out in such a way. I found it in the Celebrate Recover Bible from Rick Warren.

Here's how they go...

Step 1 - "Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3
Step 2 - "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Step 3 - "Blessed are the meek." Matthew 5:5
Steps 4 and 5 - "Blessed are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Steps 6 and 7 - "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Matthew 5:6
Steps 8 and 9 - "Blessed are the merciful." Matthew 5:7 and "Blessed are the peacemakers" Matthew 5:9
Step 12 - "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness."

I didn't know that there is a basis for the steps in the beatitudes when I first entered treatment. But I can assure you that I was able to relate to feeling "poor in spirit" in a way I never had before. When I have read the Beatitudes in the past, it was often difficult to relate to these terms because they almost sound like they must represent someone else. Poor people we see on the street, or people who can't stand up for themselves, or just "losers" in general. I have always felt pretty self-sufficient, pretty capable. Not exactly poor or meek.

But it wasn't just the humility of checking into treatment that made me feel poor in spirit. I realized that while I had been drinking I was incredibly poor in spirit. Now that doesn't men that God was going to bless me while I was drinking, but it was the "bottom" that was required to turn back to God. It took hitting that bottom to make me realize that I had strayed so far and needed help. And being poor in spirit is something that God does bless if we turn to Him and just ask. It is something I should actually strive for day by day. For after all, if we are not poor in spirit - what do we need God for?

But "meek?" What's up with that? Typically when we read this we think, "OK, so I'm supposed to go around letting everybody walk all over me, I guess." But a great pastor I had in NYC shared some insight on this once. The Greek word for "meek" is praos, and the original definition of this word was "becoming tamed, as a wild animal is tamed." One of the wildest animals that humans are the most successful in taming is the horse. The strong, beautiful, capable horse. And for thousands of years, when tamed, these beasts provided for our very way of life. They are such amazing, beautiful creatures, yet it takes learning how to take the bit in the mouth, and be led by men, before their calm and gentle nature can be truely appreciated. James 3:3 says "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal."

So, being meek, actually doesn't necessarily mean that we are weak and tend to let people walk all over us. It means that even though we are beautiful, strong "wild animals," we can be tamed by our obedience to God. That really shed a whole new light on what it meant to be meek. And for once it made sense, being meek isn't weak - it's being obedient and tame.

One of the ways that we must be obedient, is to try and become less selfish and realize that trying to control other people will only lead us to anger and resentment. Someone at the meeting last night shared how it was in his nature to get upset when someone in the family didn't put the dishes away right, or stack the groceries in the cart according to his system of appropriate order. I could certainly relate to that. My poor husband. I can't tell you the number of times I have gotten annoyed with him, because he wasn't doing something the way that I thought it should be done. After all, I always thought, if you are going to do something - you should make the effort to do it right, right? And of course, that always made the problem his. He wasn't doing it right (my right, which of course is - well, right.) :)

Another example of being selfish and ego is the need to always be right. I have spent plenty of time talking or noting or focusing on how other people are wrong. I know my husband feels that I am incapable of admitting that I am wrong. I have always insisted that I do it when I am wrong - it's just that happens so infrequently that it seems like never.

So now that I see these behaviors and can recognize how annoying they must be to live with in a person, I hope to recognize them as they arrive and take another track. When something doesn't get put away the way I would like it done, why not wait until my husband has helped, and then later adjust the organization of those items? Afterall, I'm the one that has to have them just so. And maybe someday I'll decided that it's not worth that effort, but for now, if it's important to me, then what's the harm in doing it myself? When a discussion begins to border on argument - why not just concede the point, regardless of whether I'm actually right or not. Who cares? Is it really worth a bad Saturday afternoon? Who knows, maybe that person is even right? Anything is possible after all. :)

Which brings me back to the Beatitudes. Let's remember that they all begin "Blessed are..." The point is not to list some behaviors that we should all strive for, meekness, purity, righteous, etc. The point is that, when we learn to harness these behaviors and find a place for them in our lives and our spirit, we will be blessed by God. Learning to obey God and submit our lives to His care in "meekness" will open up new possibilities in our lives and enrich them. Being "poor in spirit" and therefore seeking God out to help manage our lives will allow Him to work through us and bless us in ways that we never could have accomplished all on our own.

Sponsor Search

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 06:29:00 +0000

There were only 3 ladies at teh meeting last night, but I passed the sheet, and all of them were interested, and shared their information. 2 of the 3 are available during the day, and I'm leaning towrds one over the other. But I will wait and see if there are any ladies there on Monday that weren't there tonight - and then I will probably call a couple of them and see if I can't schedule a lunch, so that we can talk, and get to know each other. Thinking that will probably help me figure it out!

One lady lives in west Erlangen, which is very close to me, and she is a native English speaker, so right now she is candidate number one. Which is funny, because she was chairing the first meeting I went to, and she was also the first person who crossed my mind!

UN-Serenity

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 06:25:00 +0000

Last night at the meeting our topic was "Just for one day" and doing "The next right thing." I shared with the group that on Thursday, for some unknown reason, I kept getting the urge to drink. It still wasn't what I would call a craving - I wasn't obsessing and fixating on it, but for some reason the thought kept crossing my mind. Doing "the next right thing" worked for me, but it was a little unsettling to not be able to figure out why I was struggling. (And when I say struggling, please don't be alarmed - I wasn't STRUGGLING, I just wasn't serene, and couldn't figure out why.) Who knows, I shared, maybe it was because it was Thursday, and almost the weekend, but not quite; or maybe I was struggling because my daughter wasn't having a great day - and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to deal with it. Who knows.

I also shared that it was very interesting, because when my husband got home, he asked me how I was doing. I gave him the standard "fine" (which one of my counselors told us stands for "Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.) But then I thought better of it, and went into the kitchen and asked him how he was doing. And it was really good. We had a very open and honest conversation about how we were feeling. And we both listened. Turns out that he had been doing pretty well with trusting me, but for some reason on Thursday, he too struggled a bit. So the day that drinking kept crossing my mind, he felt sure that he was going to come home to a drunk or hungover wife. Pretty interesting that would happen on the same day I was kept having the urge! But the discussion itself made me feel much better, and helped me get over the day. So doing the next right thing had payed off, in a way I never expected.

The group was very helpful in their feedback. They shared that it is important, on such days, to remember that why it is happening isn't as important as getting through it, and remembering that all time passes. They shared that when they focused on remembering to look at the next 24 hours or the rest of the day as the only goal, that the next day was almost, always better. They shared that when they looked at their early sobriety, they realized that it was on such days that the urge to drink was telling them that they needed to "escape." They deserved to be "on another planet." And that struck home. It wasn't just the urge to drink for the sake of feeling "full" I was dealing with. It was the urge to escape or "reward" myself.

They continued to share, and talked about the importance of service, and one of the members mentioned someone who said that the 2 pillars of ego are entitlement and control; and that usually, when he's having a day like that, he realizes it is one of those two issues that is causing the problem. And I realized that is exactly what happened on Thursday.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty busy days for me. I had ladies groups both days, my daughter had school one day, and I was back in the swing of running around and keeping schedules. The anxiety of which, being a trigger for me in the past. I managed Tuesday and Wednesday well, and shared with my online counselor that I had worked hard to maintain balance so that I didn't feel overwhelmed or frazzled, so I thought I had done all right.

What I didn't realize, was that both days were beautiful days weather wise, and what I really wanted was some time to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. So when Thursday came along, I just wanted to sit around outside and read. And when my daughter had her own agenda, and was being difficult about everything, it was ruining my own selfish interests. I felt entitled to a day in the sun, afterall! I had just spent the previous two days running around fulfilling "duties!" (Not that ladies groups are duties - they just felt that way this week when what I really wanted was something else!) The urges to drink were in response to my selfishness, and not being able to do what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and when. I was feeling the need to "escape" from my daughter and reward myself. I was finding it difficult to deal with life on life's terms, and not resort to drinking or controlling the situation and my daughter in a similar fashion.

So in the end, the meeting helped me figure out what I couldn't figure out for myself. The character defect causing the "UN-serenity" was selfishness. So for now, I will continue to pray that God remove this character defect (although I realize this one might take him a while!) and that I remember that taking care of my daughter and attending to her, even when she's less than perfect, is just about the most important service role I will ever have. I will try to remember that the "itch" is often a result of my inability to deal with life in general, and remember that I am just a baby when it comes to coping with life without alcohol. Each day will not be perfect and serene, and it is these days that doing the "next right thing" will teach me more about how it is that "normal" people deal with everyday life.

Roundup in the Alps

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 17:46:00 +0000

We called today to see how much it would cost to attend the Roundup in the Alps with the Franconia Intergroup of AA on July 10th and 11th. It's 36 Euros a night!!! So we are going! (Unless the Netherlands is in the World Cup final...)

Not sure exactly what the schedule is like, but it is mostly speakers through out the day on Saturday. Not sure how much of that we will be able to do with my daughter in tow, but even if we only make a few meetings it will be worth it, considering the price and the location!

The hotel is near Pfronten, which is about 25 minutes from Hohen-Schwangau, which is the town nearest Neuschwanstein (famous castle that Cinderella's castle at Walt Disney was based on.) And so we'll definitely swing by there at least!

P.S.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 16:15:00 +0000

Also found out that there is a retreat in the Alps for the English contingent of AA here in Germany, in July. Need to look into it, but my husband and I both thought it might be a fun way to do a weekend getaway. Imagine that... a "Roundup" (yes they call it that, too) in the Alps!