The Nicholas Blogs

Strictly boredom

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Tue, 27 May 2008 04:51:00 +0000

And the fact that my baby is so hot, i couldn't help but play with him, since this is the only way I can.

Love Letter

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sun, 25 May 2008 03:42:00 +0000

To the Love of My Life,

It's never been so true. it's never been like this. And this is probably why I've been so scared. I've never been lucky in love, as I had been blinded too many times. This time, i see us clearly, and everything I want to feel is in my heart...but, it's the "far away" - the "absence" - the uncertainty of what comes next that makes me believe karma is out to get me.

I have never been so happy (and sad) in all my life - and even though i want to erase most of the last few months from memory (I can never listen to "All I Want For Christmas is You" again...believe me, I tried), I still feel as though I found that perfection that was made for me - like the fact that you're not perfect makes you perfect for me.

If I ever were to lose you for whatever reason, I would be losing a large piece of my heart, as well as existing with a broken spirit, never to be mended by anything or anyone again.

You're still just as beautiful to look at now as you were the first day I laid my eyes on your avatar - April 3rd, 2007 - and i'm so glad that I got to know the real you...to see the real you...to be with the real you...

I wish I could ask you to love me forever...to be in love with me forever...to never ever let me go no matter what - but i can't dictate your feelings in the future. All I know is that You will be the last love of my life, and i could never let you go - especially after all the wonderful things you have done for me.

Forgive me for my fears. I love you for life. always will.

Me

Can't Stop the Music

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sun, 25 May 2008 03:41:00 +0000

It's not like i purposely remain in the sap stages, but it's not going away. It always goes away by now. It's still new, but now with a history. And i can't help that I think of him every night before i go to bed, and every morning when i wake up, and in-between. Then again, if he were there, I wouldn't have to think.

I'd still give him the sky, even after it's fallen on me.

I've never been in love with someone for this long...any other relationship, by now, I'd have faded from the in-love to just love. Maybe it's distance proving that my heart can sustain emotion.

I want the missing to end and I want our life to begin. Too much insecurity lurks in the miles that seperate us. Moments become memories as the fog clouds the future.

Still there, jumping over every hurdle in a never ending race - is my heart.

A Day in the Life of a Whim

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:28:00 +0000

"If you love something, set it free - If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it".

-anonymous???

It was a spur of the moment decision. We were having problems that needed resolving, and we could only do it face to face, and I felt like I was losing the fight...

I woke up on a Saturday, sat around for a few hours, and decided out of nowhere to surprise him. I really needed to see him. So, I rented a car at about 3:00 p.m.

"Do you want insurance for just an extra $27?" asked the woman behind the counter.

"No, thanks." i didn't want to spend any more money than i had to...

I was going there to do something I never wanted to do, because I just don't feel final ultimatums are fair. But I didn't know what more I could do. Either he come home with me or he ends it, face to face.

I drove the four hour drive until i found his job. I pulled into the restaurants driveway and searched the parking lot for what may be a Chevy Impala. This was the same car I had rented, so i was looking for something in shape of my car, as i normally would have never known what a chevy Impala looked like. No car matched.

I tried calling him, and kept getting his voicemail. It was already dark, and i knew i never would find his house, but still decided, through determination, to find it by memory. I drove through the backwoods, looking for familiar areas. i made a turn onto a road, i thought might possibly be his, and turned into a river of mud....turning around was like riding on a bumper car...well, more like a bumper boat, with no control of the wheel, as the wheel was doing its own thing. It was almost like a ride at Disney...it was kind of fun until i realised this wasn't Disney. Still, I got back on the road safely..

I found the small town of Red Level...a fmailiar place, as i had been there a few times with him. Got his voicemail again. I drove further into the woods, hoping once again to find the right road. I got to the last of my familiar memories, and pulled into the parking lot of a church. I was at a crossroad...and lost. Still, I did not want to give up. i ended up calling his mother, Daphne, hoping she would wake him up. She refused to, even after i explained to her my situation. She didn't know what to tell me. So I said goodbye, and decided to head back to the town of red Level and wait...no matter how long it took....for him to call me.

The roads were wet from the rain, and I was going a little fast down them, running into turns - seemed every which way. I was not an expert driver, as i had just gotten my license a few months before, so I didn't notice that i was going, something like 70 miles an hour down these windy roads. I don't know what happened. Whether I saw headlights, or realised i was going too fast, but next thing i know, I lose control of the wheel and spin out until i land in a bank. The second the car stopped, my phone rang. It was his mother. She offered for me to come to her house, until i told her what had just happened. I didn't realise the seriousness of the situation, until an eyewitness stopped and told me that I would need a wrecker to get the car out, as it could never be driven out. I didn't know what a wrecker was...I'm thinking tow truck...far from it.

the witness called her father, who was a cop. Daphne called me, and told me that Nick was on his way. When she asked where I was, i had no clue...all I knew was there was a tower i had passed, and a church on the corner. He was searching down the wrong roads when the cop showed up. It really wasn't hitting me, the extent of the situation, because i was going to get to see my baby, which at this point was the most important thing to me....even in all of the dysfunction and complications about to ensue...

He showed up, finally, as it began to rain, and we sat in the car. As the tears started to flow, 'cause it hurt to look at him, afraid that this would be the last time I see him. I was told to act normal, not to give the cops any suspicion as to why I was out there - as it would be thought of that i was on the search for drugs, being an out of towner, and this was proven when every cop involved asked me "What are you doing all the way up here from Hollywood, Fl?"

Daphne called and wanted him home. He told me to call him when the wrecker and state trooper got there...which seemed to be taking forever...and headed back to prevent his mother's threats from coming out here.

As soon as he left, not five minutes, the state trooper shows up, and 2 minutes after that, the wrecker...

It took awhile to get that car out, and I was to file a police report within thirty days or my license would be suspended.

Finally, that big machine got my car out, and he towed it down the road a bit. When we got there, the wrecker turned to me and said "That'll be $145". I did not have that cash on me, and asked if he would take a credit or debit card. He couldn't do that, nor would he bill me. The Wrecker was an asshole.

I called him and told him to bring money, otherwise i couldn't get my car back until the next day. He did, paying the asshole.

There was damage to the car...dented back fender with a branch sticking out of it, dented door, broken taillight...the wrecker said it looked at about $4,000 worth...

When all was gone, he told me to follow him, and led me to andalusia, where we ended up in a Taco Bell parking lot. It was my fourth day of not eating, and I wasn't hungry. So i refused when he offered me food.

This is where I broke down...and I'm not talking about the car...I told him that it was him who had to let me go, because i simply couldn't. I loved him too much I tried to follow the 'If you lose something set it free..." cliche, but that wasn't working. I tried to give him my ultimatum, but that wasn't working either, because I reelised that i had no right in trying to control his decisions.

he couldn't let me go.

We drove to a secluded area to say our goodbye. It was along goodbye. A hard one. He got out of his car and hugged me, since this was the only place where we could display our affection.

He got in my car...It was his turn to shed tears. I wanted to take care of him. i wanted to let him know I would be there for him every step of the way, but i also wanted him to make his own desicion, since i had been pressuring him for the last few months, and whatever decision he made, i would still love him, regardless.

He wept...tears on my favorite new Echo shirt. "I'm never washing this shirt again", I whispered in his ear. the tears - his smell - i didn't want to lose those memories, since i could only hold on to so much...

A fter the long goodbye, i drove back the four hours I came. The first time my eyes ever got heavy while driving...Orange cones were starting to look like the psychedellic witches embedded in asphalt.

Finally got home, and slept for a few hours before having to return the damaged car...something i didn't want to do, but of course, didn't have a choice. I also had to call in to work, because i would have never gotten the car back in time.

I turned in the car where they made the report and told me i would be contacted about the damages. On my way home, Daphne called and we spoke for a bit. She brought it to my attention that what i was doing was stalking, and to call before ever attempting to show up at her house again.

in this conversation, i had an epiphany...realisiing that I could never take him away from his family, no matter what i did. No matter what ultimatum i put out there, no matter how desperate. They needed him. So did I, but i was not going to compete

that night, i smoked a joint and stared at the police report. this is when it hit me - "What the fuck did I do?" I also realised that it could have been so much worse, like that i could have landed in a different bank with bigger trees that could have killed me...or that my windows could have broke...or the airbags deployed...

2 days later - 4:00 a.m. - New year's morning, he showed up at my apartment. I had to work a double shift at my job the next day...but if i had to be up all night to be with him, I 'd risk the miserable feeling of the next day. Went to bed at 7:00 a.m. Woke up at 10 a.m - well, hardly woke up since i hardly slept.. But I didn't care, he was here, and I was happy. My day was going by good...

I spent my hour break with him, and he took me back to work. he came by a few hours later to say goodbye.

I went back into work - my world, once again, crushed.

it was then i realised i didn't give a fuck where I lived, as long as I lived with him...and if that meant living in small town - fuck it - this city boy would adjust. I was at that point of giving up everything for love...and as jonatha Brooke wrote - "if you'd do it anyway, why would you do it for love?"...okay, i'm not exactly where that relates, but it's from a song about leaving your world behind for someone you love...

i had left my world behind for others, but that was out of obligation...not love. this was different. the only important thing for me now was to be with him.

As for the car: $1,422 worth damage...compared to $27, I'm still slightly kicking myself.

Rare

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:22:00 +0000

April 26, 2008

My beloved SAD
Current mood: thankful

Hi Baby,
Just a quick bit to say, "I love you!" It is sometimes hard to believe that the love of my life is still the love of my life. Thank you for all that you are and everything you do. I miss you terribly but thankful that you are getting the help needed...for the most part. You will be home soon.
So...I will get back to talking to you now because you're asking me what I am doing.
-Nick

Love Tangent

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:18:00 +0000

June 22, 2007

So much expression
accented in your simple words
soothes my crazy mind.
I've been to your touch
and back again,
only to taste a memory
before it turns into a reality.
You've brought me to a new path –
Everytime I see a yellow car,
I think of you,
and I revel in the thought
that you've broken apart my patterns,
giving me new life
to the old one that I lost.
Your hand in mine
is the missing puzzle piece
and our connection is the bridge
rebuilt after burning so many.
You're on the other end
as I write this,
and I'm listening to the rustle -
Hearing you move,
breathe,
speak,
makes me thrilled to be alive.
I never knew what love was
until I melted in you,
and for someone known for being so selfish,
I'm glad I'm sharing my life with you.
You are the last chapter-
The conclusion to my emotion-
An endless love.
You have healed my wounds
with all that you are,
and there's no such thing
better than you are for me.
You are my words that I write,
and I never want to stop writing –
All these built up thoughts
in this expanded heart.
I'm finally comfortable in silence
where I'd never thought I'd be,
and I'm the one lucky enough
to have you.
You are the only one
who's ever had the power
to bring out all of me.
I never had to fight,
but I've won.
I love that you carry me in your pocket
next to your heart,
just as I love that you fit on my pillow,
next to my head.
You are all I will ever need
in this lifetime,
and the many more to come.
I love you more than these words
Could ever express!!!

The Hold...

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:15:00 +0000

(I'm Gonna get Through this)

Smile when he comes to mind
and I'm fine when I know
that we'll be together in no time.
Through the missing,
I hold on tightly to his heart
and I carry it with me wherever I go.
And so I hold onto the appreciation
I will have for him
brought upon by the absence.
And I hold onto all the days
I had with him,
and hold onto the coming days
when I will wake up
looking into his
beautiful eyes
as he's looking at me.
I finally know how to love
and how to make it last.

night

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:14:00 +0000

the closest I come to holding you
is hearing you sleep on the other end
and when we disconnect
my heart stops
as sadness sets in.

I have fallen in love with everything about you,
including the sound of your breathing.

Dirt

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 12:11:00 +0000

June 9, 2007

My heart in Alabama -
My happiness stayed with it -
My future watches over them,
and I am empty in my lonliness.
I don't want to wash the dirt off my jeans
because they traveled all the way back with me.
I took him in with my fingers
And when I close my eyes,
I can feel him.
I can smell him on my hands.
I can taste him on my lips –
Everything so new and fresh,
And I don't want this to end…
I've taken back with me everything I could,
But all I have now is
his shirt,
the dirt,
and his voice, once again.
Frustration at its worst –
The next time I leave this place of longing,
I'm never coming back.
I have left myself with him,
and will not feel whole again
until I'm back in his arms.

Left Tricep

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 11:49:00 +0000

May 20, 2007

My left tricep is killing me - as well as anything I press to my ear. Don't get me wrong - i'm not complaining...as - a: It's all worth it, considering that it's from the phone conversations I have with my baby (imagine holding a phone to your ear for 6 or so hours every night) and b: at least I'm getting a work out...of course, my left tricep is probably a little more developed than my right...but, then again, i've always had more strength in my right arm, anyways - so, i guess it's an even development.
And to be honest, i really wouldn't have it any other way - for the time being - as this is the closest he and I can get to each other.
I fell asleep on the phone with my baby last night...and listening to him sleep from the other end of the phone is always a comfort to me. For some reason, i tend to sleep better when this happens.

in-Between Cycle

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 06:32:00 +0000

May 15, 2007

I go to sleep with him being the last thing on my mind
and hearing his voice
I wake up with him still on my mind
and that gets me through the day
as I walk
missing him
thinking about "us" in our future
longing for the day to come
and it's not until I come home from work
when i hear his voice again
that sets my mind at ease
until i go to sleep
only to repeat
the next day
i don't want this cycle to end
until i have him to come home to

My Nick(otine) Addiction

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:29:00 +0000

may 12, 2007

I wanna be the smoke you inhale
so I can get closer to your heart –
feel you from the inside.
I wanna be your satisfaction
so I can calm your mind
and set your soul at ease.
I wanna fit in your pocket
so you can take me everywhere
and pull me out whenever you need me,
as well as press myself close to you
in your living day to day.
I wanna be the cloudy sky
you look up in
that always brightens your day.
I wanna be the rain that falls on your skin
so I can caress every part of your body
as I filter down.
I wanna be the pillow
that you lay your head on,
so I can give you the sweet dreams you deserve.
I wanna be the comforter
that warms your body at night
and wraps you in your peace.
I wanna be the things you touch.
I wanna be the things you see.
But, most of all,
I wanna be your everything.

Corbinated

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:27:00 +0000

may 12, 2007

I've never been one for routine,
but I'm in the routine of you,
and I can't go a day without hearing your voice.
In the silence, I can hear my heart beat
to the sound of your breathing
as they fit together in place –
And you have found the missing pieces
as our corners connect from opposite plains.
You are my mystery solved,
and all the in-betweens matter no more.
I'm enraptured in your sounds
as your voice fulfills my comfort.
I've always been lost in places of familiarity –
but you have found me
in this desolate mind,
and I gladly
walk blindly
to my known future with you.

A Song For Time

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:15:00 +0000

May 5, 2007

( okay, it's not my greatest work, but it makes a damn good song – just make up your own melody, and think country/folk…)

28 days 'til I see my baby.
O, time can't you speed up a little bit faster
28 days 'til I can look into his eyes
and so patience will become my master
Everything I've longed for
will be comin' 'round soon,
and as every day goes by
I'll be conversing with the moon.

Chorus
Just hold your love for me
and keep it tight and strong
I'm runnin' as fast as I can
and I'll be there before long
Through thickets of missing and fields of torture,
I'm holding onto you as I write this song.

28 days 'til I'm reunited
with the love I've never even met.
28 days 'til I'm in his arms
and everything will be reset.
Everything I've longed for
will be comin' 'round the bend
O, Time, for once in my life,
be my friend.

Repeat chorus

Bridge

Time travelin' through my emotions,
grabbin' at thorns to give you the roses.
Only you can relate
as it'll all be worth the wait.

Repeat chorus

Without Him

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:12:00 +0000

may 1, 2007

So tired.
So stressed.
and he is the only one who can awaken me –
calm me down –
make me feel alive,
because
without him,
I am just an empty existence,
patiently waiting
through frustration,
before our life can begin as one…

I don't want to remember what my life was like
without him
in it,
in our separate ways
before we knew we were out there…

And I can't go a day without hearing his voice,
as I have found an addiction
stronger than any.
He makes me so happy,
and I am saddened
only by the stretch that keeps us apart.
and my life has finally been given a meaning –
with a gift that I will cherish for life...

I don't want to be anywhere else
without him.

How's your Jesus Christ been Hangin'?

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:02:00 +0000

April 27, 2007

God Dorazio-Corbin

(There's nothing like agreeing on your first child's name.)

N.I.C.K.

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:57:00 +0000

april 24, 2007

I meet you in my soul
surrounded by light –
We form together,
cascading into serenity –
Love holding no boundaries,
and a past I can no longer hold onto,
as the darkness disappears.
My love for you is golden,
as you are the gilded statue,
fit perfect in my eyes.
You are truth to my unchanging history,
as we walk hand in hand
into Forever.

A Song For Nick Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:43:00 +0000

Love Overdose

Everything seems so perfect
that I'm not waiting for the catch.
And my thanks goes out to Eros
for connecting the bow to my match.
Dazed in love,
he sits in the front row of my mind
taking all I have to offer -
not much left to find.

I don't wanna get drunk before I talk to you.
I don't wanna get high before I talk to you.
I just wanna be free and open,
Coherent as I walk to you.

Paranoia nonexistent.
Diversions dead and gone.
My priority in motivation
is your drug that I am on
Stabilize my heart,
giving me a steady beat.
You are my addiction
that I can never defeat.

I don't wanna get drunk before I talk to you.
I don't wanna get high before I talk to you.
I just wanna be exposed and clear,
Consistant as I walk to you.

Your love gets me so high.
I'm flying in euphoric patterns.
Serene and sanctified,
You are all that matters.

I don't wanna get drunk before I talk to you.
I don't wanna get high before I talk to you.
I just wanna be stripped and unbarred,
Identified as I walk to you.

The Dream Awoken

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:41:00 +0000

The Dream Awoken

4-21-07

("I will try to find you in my dreams tonight",

I said before the I love you and goodbye.)

"Don't ever say anything bad about Tracey Thorne or Tracy Bonham,
because they will attack back",
Jen, my manager, said as she took a sample from the art –
And from there I ran –
ran to find you.
Waiting at the airport,
you said you were going to sleep there.
I heard your voice, and was concerned,
because you were on the second story,
knowing that you would be uncomfortable.
I pushed through the crowds in search for you,
running up the stairs.
But I awoke with the phone in my hand –
The closest way I could get to you.

Finally Free

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:37:00 +0000

april 19, 2007

He has opened my wings,
and I'm free to fly –
Soaring over oceans of light
with the wind in my soul.
And he flies next to me,
as we move forward into our future.
Love is now defined in a new way,
and what I thought I knew,
was never true.
Subtle compromise in credulous form
with no obligations…
I no longer have to succumb to expectations.
He loves me for me,
and I have won without winning him over.
I didn't have to try,
as it came naturally –
the way it should be.
Love has never been more genuine.

Geographical Cure

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:33:00 +0000

April 19, 2007

"Are you moving to Alabama?"

I get asked a lot. My immediate answer is "No", because, I think, why would I move from one small town to an even smaller one? At the same time, I don't care if he lived in the Amazon jungles, or a cave in some remote desolate area– I would go anywhere just to be with him, simply because I know no matter where we are, I would be happy just being by his side.

unbreakable

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:31:00 +0000

to exist mutually
to know what is true
to experience a reciprocation
like none I've ever had before
those outside cannot understand
that is not he or i
as a glass wall of happiness
surrounds the two of us
in our own little world of love.

On Hold

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 04:28:00 +0000

Phone says, "Connected NICK"
Smart phone, I say.

A Song for Nick

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 02:58:00 +0000

April 18, 2007

Forever

I fell asleep in my closet
with the last thought of YOU being on my mind.
Woke up this morning,
to see your beautiful face, so well defined.

And my days are brighter
with thoughts of you, and a smile comes to my face.
You fill me with so much hope,
and the emptiness I had is now replaced.

I will hold you forever,
never leaving your side.
You've torn your way into me,
awakening everything that had died.

You put the pieces back together
in my broken dreams
You sewed my shadow back on
and set my soul at ease.

I found the truest of love
and I will never let that go.
I'm swimming in euphoria,
looking forward to tomorrow.

(Nick, you have my heart and soul for eternity - do whatever you want with it, because it is now yours.)

anagram

noreply@blogger.com (S.A.D.) — Sat, 24 May 2008 02:53:00 +0000

April 17, 2007

I stand on a wave of emotion

Loving the feeling at my feet
Over the edge of my heart, i fly
Vanishing in
Everlasting compatability

Yesterday, I was lost in the seas
Only to find
U.