The Night I Threatened to Kill God

2010-10-05T15:25:00.011-07:00

Leonard Cohen is a songwriter with the uncommon ability of mixing religion and passion in a song. He even created a hit song using this formula. This verse from one of his songs, "Suzanne," appeared out of thin air. I cannot even figure out why it was there. All I know is that it serves as a prelude to a strong chorus and the conclusion of a beautiful song:

And Jesus was a sailor

when He walked upon the water.

And He spent a long time watching

from His lonely wooden tower.

And when He knew for certain,

only drowning men could see Him;

He said, “All men will be sailors then

until the sea shall free them”.

He, Himself was broken

long before the sky would open

forsaken almost human

He sank beneath your wisdom

like a stone.

Every time I sing Suzanne, I always anticipate the coming of these deep and emotionally charged verses. I am always anxious that I might not interpret or deliver it well enough. I'm always afraid that if I mess up this section, I'll lose the chorus; and, as always, I found it to be the most challenging, and the most enjoyable, part of the song.

Suzanne is not a well-known song here in the Philippines. Only a few folksingers are aware of the existence of this piece, and I believe that the lady folk singers of my generation are the ones who discovered the song. I learned to play and sing Suzanne from a female singer who told me that if she had a baby girl, she would name her after the song. She was pregnant with my child at that time. However, she gave birth to a baby boy; and not until six or seven years later, when she conceived and bore another child, that a baby girl was born, and one of the names that she gave to her was Suzanne. Sadly, our ways had parted, and unlike the first child, she told me that the second child was not mine. Although every time I look at the face of that child, like a mirror, I see my sadness in her eyes

Time passes by and somehow it changes everything. But most of the songs remained the same, and I was still singing and playing my guitar. One night, while I was in the middle of my "set" working as a folksinger in one of the local nightclubs in "Olongapo City", one of my alternate singers came by to watch me play. My friend Gerry is one of those free spirited, liberal, modern, and unorthodox Christians, who refuse to be bound by any law of religion. His detachment, indifference, and religiosity captivate my curiosity and respect.

"Corkroom Cellar", the folk house where I played, was a medium sized room, and they chose to sit at one of the tables near the stage. Gerry must have heard me sing Suzanne, because not long after they arrived, he requested me to sing it to them. It is always a little bit strange when a fellow singer requests a song; but I am aware that only a few people know how to play and sing the song, so without hesitation, I gave in to their request. Suzanne is not only one of my favorite songs, it has already become a part of me. Thus, I sang it to them with heart and soul.

After I performed the requested song, which was very much appreciated by the two audiences. And after some introduction and a little side story about the piece, I went on to finish my set. From the stage where I sat and played, I could clearly hear Gerry and his friend as they proceeded with their conversation. Understandably, Gerry’s friend was also a Christian, and they asked me to sing Suzanne because of those lines about Jesus. Usually, I feel irritated if there are drunk and noisy customers sitting nearby, distracting my singing; but these two Christians sitting nearby were conversing in a pretty modest tone. Their conversation was about Jesus, and it was music to my ear; until it became a noise when Gerry’s friend claimed that he was God.

In the Bible, in the book of Mathew Chapter 12, verse 50, Jesus Christ states, “Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother, my sister, my mother”.

At first, Gerry did most of the talking, trying to impart to his newly found friend some of his knowledge about Christianity. For quite awhile, his companion listened attentively to him; but when his friend spoke, he sarcastically but gently said that Gerry’s realization was cliche and old-fashioned. He stated that modern teaching is for a Christian to realize that he himself is God rather than to know and serve God. "Jesus Christ is God." He said, "Jesus' brothers and sisters are also God." "You are God, I am God, and whomever performs the will of the Father is God." This kind of teaching was not new to me. There was a time when I preached this twisted idea. Gerry’s reaction on the other hand indicated that it was new to him because he was dumbfounded

I was working, and I didn't have time for diplomacy and soft approaches to fight and defeat a ridiculous concept.

I have to accomplish something, and I have to do it quickly and effectively.

The manager, who was seated at the counter, was keeping a close eye on things.

I could tell she was aware of my thoughts.

She screamed at me to leave them alone, but she wasn't my main worry.

I can't tolerate the annoyance, and I feel compelled to shield my buddy Gerry and his companion from this "wicked thinking."

I ignored her and addressed the guy who claimed to be God.

"Excuse me," I said, "I’ll prove to you that you are not God." The man, not even bothered by my provocative interruption, simply looked at me; grinned and stated proudly, "Oh yeah, how?" With fiery eyes, a face full of hatred, and a voice with demoniac rage and conviction, I said to him, "I’ll kill you!" He was aroused this time, and he appeared to be really furious and agitated. He rose from his seat and, with words full of pain, hate, and disgust; he condemned me, "You’re a hypocrite! Awhile ago, you sang a song about Jesus. Now you’re going to kill me?"! I was glad when he said those words against me, for I could be truthful. I told him the truth, and this time, except for the last phrase, I was not bluffing. "I am more than a hypocrite," I said, "I am a demon! You are God. I’ll kill you!"

Gerry's friend was not God after all, as it never occurred to me that God could be so much of a coward and could be easily offended by an insignificant demon. He hurriedly left the place, angrily cursing me with his sharp eyes and words on his way out. He was so in a hurry and deluded that he forgot to say goodbye to our friend Gerry, who was still sitting and appeared to be startled by the fast-paced exchange of words and sudden change of vibes. I was not able to explain to him my reason because he left before I finished my set. Maybe he was contemplating whether I was just a hypocrite, or indeed a demon who threatened to kill God.

ArlenKaliFuentes 5/24/2010

Necessary Evil

The Night I Threatened to Kill God