The Non-Review

Glen Close: By The Numbers

2012-05-31T09:02:00.000-05:00

As a kid my first knowledge of Glen Close came with Hook; my eldest sister informing me that one of the pirates was in fact actually a women done up in makeup. My initial thoughts were disbelief, amazed at her acting ability, and of course the 'Aw' factor. No wait, I mean 'Ew' factor. Course seeing the actress without the beard was little better. First impressions being what they are, I suppose there could be said to be some bias involved. Except that I grew up, and while I don't particularly care for Glen close, I have liked her in some things. The Sarah Plain and Tall series for instance (come for the Christopher Walken, stay for the heart warming) I thought she was particularly memorable. Course that's TV and I don't count TV when running the numbers.

First a quick rundown of how this all works for anyone new:

I take all the films an actor or actress has been in and break them down into three categories, 'Good' 'Bad' and 'Okay.' I do not count TV appearances or Made for TV movies. Afterwards a quick analysis will show whether or not they're a good actor by the numbers. Invariably there is a 2-3 +/- point bias on a person to person basis. Also, since 'ok' movies are not bad they count towards the positive column in the overall figuring. If, by the numbers, they fall in the 50 - 60% range, they're a bad actor; 61 - 70% good actor, and 71 - 80% great actor. Anything higher is unlikely, but will be classified as "elite."

Now let's see those numbers:

Honestly I was expecting her to do better. Glen Close has a reputation for pursuing strong characters that are often outside of many an actress's comfort zone. Course that doesn't necessarily translate to quality. Also as I've noted in previous columns I do consider television to be a different kind of acting and so some of the good work she's done there would be counted to her favor should she be rated according to TV credits. Mind you with 62% positive, she does just squeak into the good actress column. And while I expected her to do better, that feels about right to me. She can act, but she's far from being a great actress. One note though is that the rating for The Natural on IMDB I felt was harshly low. What's up with that? It's a good film.

This week's pick was chosen by the ever creative Stacey over at Scrap With Stacey.

It's been awhile since I did one of these but I feel it's time to get busy rating some actors. Anyone you'd like to see covered? If I haven't already done them I'll put them on the list.

Men in Black 3, Chernobyl Diaries: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-05-25T10:24:00.000-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Chernobyl Diaries - Can I say "no" and leave it?

Cowgirls N Angels (limited) - I'm betting on the angels to win.

Men in Black 3 - In the immortal words of Mozart: "Sure."

What? Prove he never said it.

I didn't really feel that another sequel was necessary in the Men in Black series. The first one was a thing of love. The second... Well, let's just say I still go in for the occasional viewing of the first. That aside the new one looks pretty good and I've heard some positive word on it. I'm not really feeling theater though. Seems like the kind of weekend for better things. Grilling... Remembering... Sleeping... That last one is especially dear to my heart.

I like found footage films as much as the next guy. The next guy in this instance being the one who doesn't. They're a cheap out for studios looking to make a film with minimum budget and for maximum return. Quality is very rarely something of an issue. To date I've only liked a couple FFFs, and only really loved one - Chronicle, which I mentioned last week. Mind you, Chernobyl Diaries isn't a found footage film, but it is, as the marketing has pounded in, from the guy who did Paranormal Activity. It's also written by the Van Dyke brothers (yup, his grandchildren) who have penned such winning fair as Titanic 2, and Paranormal Entity. The trailers for it have been little more than background noise to me. I doubt anyone will even remember it come next week.

Cowgirls N Angels on the other hand... Now there's a winner. I think it's the N that bothers me most. The only thing it seems to have going for it is James Cromwell. I've always liked him and felt deeply in my heart that he's what James Cameron would have been had he not sold his soul to the devil at a young age (2 from what I hear, which is really impressive for a toddler).

I dedicate that last "joke" (no seriously, he sold his soul) to Sebastian (AKA Reputation@Stake) who has had some health issues the past week. Those of you who've enjoyed his contribution to this site, why not visit his blog Creative Outlet and leave him some nice words. Those of you who don't know who he is, go anyway. Seriously, he's wicked creative, you'll like his blog.

Happy Memorial day weekend everyone. Best wishes to those who are serving and those who have served our country.

Random Terrifying Facts!

2012-05-22T09:11:00.000-05:00

Fact:

Somewhere in the world right now, there's a person listening to "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" and thinking it was written for them.

Fact:

If a person witnesses something horrifying, their hair can turn white instantly. People's hair also turns white slowly as you get older. Aging is the process of slowly being horrified.

Fact:

When you tell a parent their baby is cute, and they say "thank you," they're taking it as a personal compliment which is tantamount to saying, "thank you for appreciating the sex I had with my partner. We made this." Which is weird. That's why if I see a baby I just point at the child and say a very nondescript "baby".

Fact:

The furthest point you could walk away from yourself, is right behind you. So you can never truly "get away".

Fact:

Right about now, you're scratching your head at the 95% illogicality of the last fact, but willing to ride with it for the 5% you can't rule out. Welcome to my world, population, 1.*

*Based on a recent census taken of the known regions of TS-3-140, a fantastical planet existing with the confines of my brain.

Battleship. The Dictator, and What to expect when you're expecting: 7 Word Weekend

2012-05-18T10:33:00.001-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

The Dictator - Sppllltttttt! FYI that would be a raspberry.

Battleship - The term 'hell yeah' comes to mind.

What to Expect When You're Expecting - Surprisingly, it's a slap in the face.

Didn't see that one coming did you? Pregnant women never do.*

I've been MIA for about a week due to being under the weather (that's code for passing a kidney boulder... Colorado) which means I wasn't even able to post my obligatory other post I like to get in each week. Oddly enough for some reason though the number of hits increased in the past week. Don't think I don't get what you're trying to say people. You prefer me when I'm not around. That's cold random people. Ice cold. Course I figure it's not real hits anyways. They all come from Google directly without any search term. While the more reasonable explanation is that either it's some spamming thing, or a glitch, I've decided to go with that the search engine itself is just in love with me. I know, it's weird, but the love it feels is real and won't be denied.

Oh right, movies!

This time why don't we play the numbers game? Last week The Avengers dropped by 50%! Poor film only earned 100 million over the weekend instead of the 200 the week before. That's just how it goes. This week it's facing three films all with hunger and drive. Well, sort of. The Dictator came out on Wednesday and should do fairly well. Personally I've long tired of Cohen's shtick. But he makes his films cheaply so it doesn't take much to make the film a success. As far as what to expect when What to Expect When You're Expecting (my sentences are like quilts) comes out... It's the closest thing to a date movie option, so it'll do pretty standard numbers.

The real question is Battleship. It may be opening this week here but Battleship was actually released to the rest of the world weeks back. It's already done 200 million globally. As far as being profitable, that story's already written. What will be interesting to see is what it does domestically. I've heard a lot of mixed opinions, and pretty varying numbers being predicted. Will it be able to beat the Avengers this weekend? Even if the Avengers takes another 50% dive, that's still 50 million. I want to see Battleship, but I don't think it goes that high. I'm guessing it tops out somewhere around 40. Course the box office likes to spite me, so who knows.

Out this week for home viewing is Chronicle (a truly fantastic film if you haven't seen it) and with its release comes a director's cut. Which raises the question to me, how can you have a director's cut if it's supposed to be a found footage film? Regardless of that silliness, seriously, if you haven't seen it, seek it out and watch it.

So what are your viewing plans this weekend?

*I'm in no way advocating slapping pregnant women, merely suggesting that some divine hand does that. It's nature.

Dark Shadows: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-05-11T11:36:00.001-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Dark Shadows - Are there any other kinds of shadows?

Waaaaayyyy back when I first started this column, I used to try and cover every movie that was out each weekend. If you want to know why I stopped doing that, this weekend is a good example. Dark Shadows is the only wide release, however there are 23 films that are out this week in limited release. And even though a couple of them look good, in the interest of non-partiality (SEE: laziness) I've decided to ignore them all.

Hey, you know what I've never seen? A Johnny Depp/Tim Burton movie. That seems like a novel idea, doesn't it? I think the two could be good together. I'm being ironic, if you didn't pick up on that. In all seriousness, I heard the two of them are considering life altering surgery. I forget the technical term, but I believe the laymen term is a "reverse conjoined twin". That would be where the two of them are connected together. Kind of like the plot for Human Centipede, only it's by choice, and they'll probably connect at the side. That way one can act and the other direct.

Speaking of Human Centipede, someone found this blog the other day by searching the term 'Human Centipede 2 upset me for awhile'. Frankly I find that shocking. You mean you watched a film about 12 people being sewn together, and it briefly disturbed you? I suppose the truly creepy angle is that qualifier 'awhile'. Kind of like, the idea freaked me out at first, but after awhile I came around to it. That's not even touching on searching for that term, which opens up a whole different psychosis.

By the way, if any of you guys reading this happen to be the person in question, it's all in good humor, I assure you. Please don't direct your crazy at me when you finally tip.

Seems like I'm forgetting something... Oh right, Dark Shadows looks like another wash in the world of remakes. I might catch it outside of theaters, but then I've managed to avoid some other Tim Burton and Johnny Depp films of recent. Oh look, the Avengers is still out...

How about you guys, any interest in seeing Dark Shadows? Have you decided to see The Avengers again?

Good Idea Bad Idea Collection

2012-05-10T19:10:00.002-05:00

From the old Animaniacs cartoons, the Good Idea, Bad Idea spots. All of them strung together:

I am not in the least ashamed to say I sat through the whole video. Especially since one of my favorites is towards the end.

Top 6 Things That Makes Guys Wish They Were James Bond

2012-05-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

Every guy deep down wishes they were James Bond. The cool, suave personality, the high tech gadgets, the cars, and of course the gorgeous women; pretty much everything 13 year olds dream of. Okay, not just 13 year olds. Admit it, whether it was driving down a dirt road in a beater, pretending it was an Aston Martin, or just sitting down to play casino games with your virgin martini (or Heineken) clutched in one hand, imagining your opponent on the other side of the table is a pasty faced villain with a bleeding eye, you've imagined yourself in Bond's shoes. And so, with Skyfall, still months away, now seemed like the perfect time to fill the void with my list of the Top 6 Things That Makes Guys Wish They Were James Bond.

5. The Beautiful Women:

I'm sure there are several who would argue against this being on the bottom of the list. But the simple fact is that gorgeous gals aren't unique to James Bond. If that's all you're daydreaming about, you might as well be any Hollywood star. That said, there is something that sets them apart. Before any women out there start hating on me for this part of the list, relax, it's all about the personality. There are plenty of jaw dropping ladies in the world, but how many can match Bond, step for step in intelligence, sophistication, and the ability to kill you without leaving a trace? Of course, by this point Bond is a walking STD. All the more reason why this area, is best left to the bottom of the list.

4. Personality:

As with the women, with Bond, it's all about how he carries himself. I sit down to a round of poker or some other casino games, my tells show a thousand different ways. Bond sits down to a round of poker, he's simultaneously playing the game, working a crowd, and infiltrating a terrorist organization. He's calm and collected; quick with a wry joke, and never bats an eye when bullets are flying over his head. When he says "shaken, not stirred" he owns it. When any of us say it, we just sound like goobs. It's all about conviction, and James Bond owns everything he does.

3. Transportation:

It would be easy to focus solely on the cars he drives. But throughout all the films, he travels any number of ways. Helicopters, jets, submarines, motorcycles, speed boats, blimps, etc. Heck, he drove a moon buggy, for crying out loud. The British train them right, since he can apparently operate any vehicle as he has need. Course it is ultimately about the cars, and the chases, and the fantastic gadgets in them. While the Aston Martin is the one we tend to think of in relation to Bond, he's driven a plethora of amazingly beautiful cars. Not to mention that any of us who's spent time in a car with someone we didn't like have dreamed of having an ejection seat.

2. Style:

I'm not going to argue as to who's the best Bond (though for the record it's Sean Connery). Each variation comes with their own personality, imparting to the character, their own touches. One thing that's uniform though is the style. Perfectly cut suits and formal wear that's still tailored to perfection. The shear amount of money that Bond must shell out each year in clothing alone is boggling. Especially since it's probably written off as a business expense that the taxpayers have to foot. Some might argue the placement of this above the cars, but if you think about it, he's only driving a little here and there. Most of the time, the action takes place while on foot. Anyone can look good in a Bentley, but it's a little harder when huffing it from one side of a villain's complex to the other. Bond puts such a high value on appearance, it has to sit high on the list.

1. Gadgets:

James Bond inhabits a world of high tech gadgetry. Aside from the scenes where Q explains the latest inventions to him (the best part of the movies) Bond throughout the films is introduced to cool gizmo after cool gizmo. Sure, some of them like the garrote watch are ultimately used to try and kill him, but they always get turned around on the baddies. And even if you find yourself on the end of Oddjob's bowler hat, you'd have to admit it was pretty dang cool. Than, there's the rocket belt, which could also be classified under transportation, but is just about the coolest gadget ever. And what secret agent dream would be complete without a pen gun? Well, I ask you?

0. 07

I'm not saying you would kill someone or that you'd even want to. It's not like Bond took out the paper boy just cause he threw his paper in the bushes one too many times; or at least, not that we know of... But having the legal ability to mow through as many bad guys as you have need within the space of a 2 hour action fest is more than enough reason to put this at the top of the list. Double Oh Seven, is a huge part of what makes the character. With everything else that comes with the job, he has the responsibility of dealing death to those who would take him out in a heartbeat. It's all the action, all the danger, and all the intrigue that makes his martini swilling, well dressed, self confidence, all the more fantastic. So while most of us wouldn't dream of actually killing someone, it must be said that there's something for holding that elite status.

Well, what do you think of the list? Did I miss putting something up or screw up the order on the list? Fire away let me know.

And The Big Winner Of the Weekend Was... John Carter?

2012-05-07T13:51:00.001-05:00

John Carter bombed on its release, that can't be denied. Studios though will always do everything they can to try and make up ground on the numbers. It's all about saving face. In this case, while discussing with my brother seeing The Avengers this past weekend, the idea of going to a drive in came up. It's been quite awhile and I've always loved drive ins. After he looked up the information, he informed me that the Avengers was playing with, you guessed it, John Carter.

When I heard that I was eagerly awaited the box office report. Below is a screen shot from Box Office Mojo:

Click to enlarge.

As you can see, John Carter added almost 170 screens this weekend and managed to rake in $1.3 million. Fantastically, that's a 1073.8% jump from last week. Mind you, it's still only made 70+ million to date, and with a budget of 250 million (note, that doesn't even begin to include the cost of marketing) it's not even approaching breaking even. Though, I have no doubt it'll do its darndest to come close when it hits video. Look for it to start circulating that it's the cult underground movie of the year. But that's neither here nor there.

So yes, while The Avengers may have broken records with it's huge opening weekend, the real winner here is old John Carter, which latched on like a sickly leech, sucking what little life it could.

The Avengers: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-05-04T11:09:00.001-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Happy weekending everyone!

The Dinosaur Party Debates Semi Finals Round 2: Pry Merry & Phil A. Buster

2012-05-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

Results of Round 1:

The last round ended up being as close as I assumed it be. Some voters really responded to Jeff's message of be who you are, while some felt that that shouldn't include the eating of opponent's offspring. In the end you can chalk it up to survival of the fittest, with Jeff biting and clawing his way into the final round.

Semi-Finals Round 2:

So here we are at the penultimate battle for supremacy. Once again, this round is about getting to know the dinosaurs on their down time. When all the politics are put to bed, and it's just them and their family.

TNR: Welcome Pry Merry.

Merry: Thanks for having me.

TNR: Now we all know that Ankylosaurus was the Armadillo of its day. With the smaller, cuter version of you roaming around the south, where do you see your place in this world?

Merry: Don't you think that question's a little rude?

TNR: Yes.

Merry: ...

TNR: ...

Merry: Armadillos carry leprosy and plague. I do not.

TNR: Fair enough. When you're not trying to legislate for the good of the world, what do you enjoy doing?

Merry: I run marathons for charity.

TNR: Really? That must be heavy under all that armor. Do you have any sponsors?

Merry: Under Armour.

TNR: I just mean your plating. Must be heavy. Now do you have any sponsors?

Merry: Under Armour...

TNR: Yes, we've covered that. The question was regarding sponsors.

Merry: Under Armour!

TNR: I don't what you're getting so defensive about. I didn't mean anything by the comment. Do you run with humans or other dinosaurs?

Merry: Other Ankylosaurus primarily. Across grasslands, as we're too wide to safely race down streets.

TNR: Sounds like a wonderful endeavor. And hey, hang in there, I'm sure you'll get a sponsor.

Merry: It's. Under. Armour. You idiot.

TNR: Yee-aaah... Someone who's willing to overlook that temper. Pry Merry, thank you for your time.

TNR: Mr. Phil A. Buster, it's a pleasure.

Buster: The pleasure's all yours.

TNR: Was that a joke or are you really not happy to be here?

Buster: Joke.

TNR: Ah. They warned me about that sense of humor of yours.

Buster: It's hard for me to turn it off. Here's one for you, how can you tell if a Stegosaurus is in your fridge?

TNR: How?

Buster: The fridge door won't close!

TNR: Haha, that's delightful.

Buster: One of a million I got.

TNR: Is comedy something you've considered if politics doesn't work out?

Buster: Yes. I actually spent some time with a comedy troop after college. We'd do all these great slapstick sketches. Critics started calling me Phil A. Buster Keaton.

TNR: That's just great. I do have to ask you a hard hitting question now, just to be be sure there's no prejudice.

Buster: My life is an open book.

TNR: Is it or isn't true that on May 13th, 2003, while a house was burning down in a small rural area in Pennsylvania, that you were in a pet shop in Malibu, purchasing a sweet kitten?

Buster: *Sigh* Yes, it's true. I named her Boots.

TNR: Is that because she has different colored paws?

Buster: No, her paws are the same. It's the rest of her that's colored different.

TNR: Haha... You're a delight.

Merry: I object!

TNR: Mr. Merry, you've already had your turn.

Merry: You call that a turn? You slammed me every step of the way. It's obvious that you're trying to sway the voters in Phil's favor. What do you have against us Ankylosauruses?

TNR: Well... To be honest, I guess I was overcompensating.

Merry: Pardon?

TNR: Ankylosaurus has always been my favorite dinosaur. I guess I worried that if I was too nice, people would realize that and think me an unfair moderator.

Merry: So I'm your favorite?

TNR: Dinosaur. I don't know anything about you on a personal level.

Merry: Carry on than.

TNR: Phil, do you have anything else to say about your cat?

Buster: Actually, I'm a little flummoxed after that bombshell you dropped. I'm not sure I even want to contiue with this supposedly impartial charade.

TNR: Fair enough. Thank you both for coming. Remember to have your pets spayed or neutered.

Bob Barker: You B*****D, that's my line!

So who will you choose? Voting ends next Monday at 11:59 pm. Then next Tuesday, only two will be left in the bid for the oval office. Who will it be in the Jurassic Classic? You decide. Seacrest out!

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Five Year Engagement, The Pirates!, The Raven, and Cats doing reviews: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-04-27T14:14:00.001-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Bernie (limited) - We've all wanted to kill Shirley MacLaine.

Sound of My Voice (limited) - WHAT? Speak up already, with the words.

The Five Year Engagement - Kind of a 'lease to own' thing?

The Pirates! Band of Misfits - Shucks... You had me at David Tennant.

The Raven - Who'd win the fight, Raven or Crow?

Safe - Liar. Statham knows tracheas can be broken.

Wow, that's a lot of movies, and I'm pressed for time, so, I'm going to have to enlist some help this week. Please welcome guest reviewers, the cats from What Cats Are Saying.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'

"I think The Raven looks tasty. Way better than The Hunger Games, which left me wanting... Food."

'Mrs. Kisses'

"Safe has everything a cat like me could want. Blood... Violence... Anger... Statham. All good."

'The Duchess Gary Cooper'

"The Five Year Engagement reminds me of the good old days when you'd postpone the affair as long as possible cause it was for life. You remember 1998, right?"

'Melvin'

"I like cults."

Of course Melvin is referring to Sound of My Voice which is a fantastic looking indie film. It's actually a pretty strong weekend in terms of films. Something for everybody. The Pirates! Band of Misfits, is based on some kids books, which I of course haven't read, but with a cast including David Tennant, Hugh Grant, and Martin Freeman, you can bet I'll catch that as soon as it hits video. It's even a strong weekend for indie films. Aside from the aforementioned SOMV, Bernie, the new Richard Linklater film in out in limited. It's a pretty trippy looking film, based on the true story of a well liked funeral home director who shot an elderly widow and stuffed her in a freezer for 9 months before anyone noticed. It stars Jack Black and Shirley MacLaine.

With this many films hitting this weekend, do you have plans on getting out to see any? Which most looks appealing to you?

The History of Man: A Timeline

2012-04-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

Click To Enlarge.

The Dinosaur Party Debate Semi Finals: Soph Bochs Versus Jeff

2012-04-24T09:50:00.000-05:00

Thank you for joining us for this, the first of two, semi-final debates. The next couple of weeks will see the field narrowed down to two candidates. You've heard them previously speaking on political issues and what they stand for. So this time around, we're going to get a little more intimate and get to know these candidates for who they are when they're not trying to save the world through legislation.

TNR: Welcome Ms. Bochs.

Soph: Please call me Soph.

TNR: Soap?

Soph: Yes. No need to be formal.

TNR: That's an unusual pronunciation.

Soph: Oh, well, it's Indonesian.

TNR: No it's not.

Soph: ...

TNR: Soph, let me ask you, what makes you, you?

Soph: I'm a hoverer. Most pterodactyls like to soar high above, out of sight. Me, I like to be low to the ground. Anything higher than 20 ft and I start to get queasy. But I feel this has kept me a little more grounded in life -if you'll pardon the pun. I've stayed in contact with people; which is really who I am... A people person.

TNR: People dino.

Soph: Ha, yes, dino.

TNR: Tell me, what's a typical day like in the Bochs house?

Soph: Up early, getting the kids ready for school. My two oldest are hunting for themselves now, but the youngest still requires her mummy to get her some food, pre-digest it, and then vomit it into her mouth.

TNR: Kind of an Alicia Silverstone thing.

Soph: Egg-zactly.

TNR: Did you just say Egg-zactly?

Soph: I don't think so. Anyway, once they're dropped off at school and a sitter is set for my baby, I'm off to work. For the past few years I've hosted a radio program broadcast in Alaska and parts of Michigan. Perhaps you've heard of it, it's called 'The Bridge to Somewhere'? It's a call in show where we hash out everything going on in Washington and the rest of the world. After the show, I usually stop off and do a little hunting for dinner, spend some quality time with the kids; maybe catch a movie on TV, and then off to bed.

TNR: Where's Mr Bochs?

Soph: There is no Mr. Bochs. I've had three brief flings with a guy named George, after which he always leaves before the children are born.

TNR: That sounds horrible.

Soph: No it's sweet really. If he stayed, he'd only end up eating the children.

TNR: Thank you for joining us Soph.

Soph: Thank you.

TNR: Hello and welcome Jeff.

Jeff: Please, call me Soap.

TNR: Haha, I think I'll stick with Jeff.

Jeff: Probably for the best. What kind of parent names their kid Soap? My parents left me when I was still an egg, but at least they named me Jeff.

TNR: Now, now, this isn't a place for attacks.

Jeff: My apologies. I was just befuddled by that.

TNR: Jeff, what makes you, you?

Jeff: I didn't have a lot to look forward to when I was growing up. Half the time I was running from one predator or another. When I finally got old enough to make something of myself, I did just that. Invented a device that helps dinosaurs with short arms reach things. Sold like hot cakes and lifted me out of the gutter.

TNR: Sort of a self made dinosaur?

Jeff: Not my favorite term, but I'll wear it.

TNR: What's a typical day like for you.

Jeff: I wake up, live my life, and then go to sleep. Life shouldn't have typical days. Every day should be new and full of promise to be original and fresh. Just as example, two days ago, I'm in Alaska mountain climbing. Last night I'm at home dining on a pterodactyl baby. Today I'm chatting with you. Life is to be lived.

Soph: Alaska? Pterodactyl baby?? What mountain?!

Jeff: Well, I was stopping in to say hi to you, but I think you were on the radio at the time...

Soph: You monster!

TNR: Jeff... Did you eat her baby?

Jeff: Dude, please, who do you think we are? Both Soph and I are carnivores. Don't ask me to hide who I am. Have I been anything but upfront about that?

TNR: No, you've been pretty honest. I guess I can't fault you for that.

Soph: Can't fault him?! He. Ate. My. Baby!

Jeff: Nothing that millions of Americans wouldn't do on Thanksgiving.

Soph: I've got to go see the rest of my children. I'm out of here.

TNR: And so are we. My guests have been Ms. Soph Bochs, and Jeff. Thank you both for coming.

Jeff: She's already gone? How rude. Thank you for having me.

So who will it be? Two carnivores, but only one can stand on top of the food chain. You have one week to decide. Voting ends next Monday at 11:59 pm. Then on Tueday, the two last candidates, will dance.

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The Lucky One, Think Like a Man, Chimpanzee

2012-04-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Chimpanzee - Please forgive me for this; It's bananas.

Darling Companion (limited) - Don't need 7 words to ask 'why?'

The Lucky One - Zac Efron? No, we're the lucky ones.

Marley (Limited & VOD) - Oh, it's not about a talking dog...

Think Like a Man - Gee, thanks for the advice Steve Harvey.

To The Arctic 3D (IMAX) - Waiting for global warming to heat up.

What? It's cold in the Arctic and if I'm going on a road trip I want it to be somewhere nice.

Seems fitting to cover both the nature docs at once. I'm a big fan of nature shows and films. I love seeing learning about wildlif- Oh who am I kidding? I like watching cute fluffy animals and pointing at the freaks. I've never been a huge fan of the whole monkey-ape-thing, so my interest in Chimpanzee is far outweighed by To The Arctic and the promise of polar bears drinking coke. I know, I know, they won't have coke in the film. It'll be some non-specific soda. Either way it's delicious and cute. And it's IMAX, which is always the best when it comes to nature.

Hunger Games has held on to the number one spot for 4 weeks. That's pretty impressive in this box office day and age. The question is, does it have enough steam to take on two more new films? With The Lucky One, you have Zac Efron, who should pull some of the base on name alone. Add to that Nicholas Sparks whose name beckons to women, come be romanced, and to men, come, take your girlfriends and wives and feel like you did something romantic when really you just sat through a film that has all the appeal of a tepid glass of oil.

The alternative, is really like no option at all. Think Like a Man, based on a Steve Harvey book and trying to ride the back of Kevin Hart, who I'll admit is a funny man, also looks to leave its tooth marks in the monolith that is Hunger Games. Also with a specific market it should be able to lure a demographic or two away from seeing a film for the umpteenth time. Frankly I think it looks pretty dreadful, but then it's been awhile since I enjoyed Steve Harvey. But that's probably oversimplifying it. It just has the look of a movie that should be rated R but has been neutered to a PG13 and will thus replace a lot of crude jokes with less funny crude jokes that nonetheless will fit the parameters of that rating box.

Will either of them be able to bring down the reigning champ? By themselves, no, together, I'm guessing yes. I give an edge to The Lucky One, but Think Like a Man should do alright to. Both strike me as hitting around high teens in their opening, and with the natural rate of drop added in to Hunger Games, it should just fall below, possibly even to third place. But who knows. That's the fun of watching the box office numbers. Trends come and go and there's always little surprises.

Getting out to the movies this weekend? What's everyone planning on seeing?

Does Dick Clark's Death Heralds The End Of The World?

2012-04-18T15:35:00.002-05:00

November 30, 1929 – April 18, 2012

I loved Dick Clark. Like millions of others, he was a part of the New Year's tradition for my family. So please don't take this the wrong way when I ask, does this mean the Mayan were right? I'm pretty sure we can't proceed into 2013 without Dick Clark here to move the hands of time. Admit it, you all know he was responsible for the changing of the years. The Mayan spoke of change and I think this is it: We're going to be stuck in the year 2012 forever.

RIP Dick Clark. You shall be missed in more ways than you ever thought.

Stupid Movie Quotes #1

2012-04-17T14:12:00.000-05:00

Indian in the Cupboard (1995)

"You don't deserve that hair!"

You know, even as a kid I knew a crap adaptation when I saw it. I was a fan of the books, but the movie left me less than thrilled. I can't say I really remember a lot about it anymore other than the fabulous quote above.

Cabin in the Woods, Lockout, The Three Stooges: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-04-13T08:18:00.000-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

The Cabin in the Woods - See, this is why I hate cabins.

Lockout - Prequel to last year's film: The Locksmith.

The Three Stooges - I'd rather watch the original Stooges now.

Don't take that the wrong way. I simply mean I'd rather sit and watch the graves of dead men than watch the updated version.

Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. Whether you're a fan of the Farrelly Brothers or not, one thing that can't be denied is their steady decline in quality over the years. Personally, I still like a couple of their earlier films but have had little more than distaste for them for about a decade. The bottom for them seems to still be off as they're planning on making their first sequel to a film in Dumb & Dumber. The idea of them tackling The Three Stooges, is dismal to me. I liked the stooges when I was a kid but unlike my love for Chaplin and Buster Keaton, even then I could only take so much at a time. I'll admit that a couple involuntary groans/laughs did escape from me with some of the puns in the trailers, but that's far from convincing me it's worth sitting through a myriad of secondhand slapstick. Until otherwise convinced, I just have no interest in the film.

I've heard a lot of mixed reaction to Cabin in the Woods. Because of the meta quality of the plot it's got the classic divide of some hailing it as genius and others saying it's trying to be too clever for itself. Naturally the automatic retort being that those who hated it "didn't get it". One of my friends who caught an early screening is on the side of loving it. Though as he rarely visits my site I can safely say I've never really relied on him to be the most qualified when it comes to critiquing. All I know is that it looks fantastic and creative. I love the odd bit of genre bending now and again and I'm properly geared up for it.

Finally this weekend, we have Lockout, which managed to fly under my radar for quite awhile. Probably due to the fact that I'm far from being a Guy Pearce fan. However, the other day I watched a 5 minute clip they released of the film. As a result I'm now up for seeing it. Here's the clip:

I think it looks like Die Hard meets Escape From New York in space. Yeah, you can already see the cheesiness that's sure to pervade the entire running length, but it has that good bad movie aura about it. And I'm totally down for that. Not in theaters mind you, but a definite rental.

So what are you guys up to this weekend? Anyone planning on watching The Three Stooges?

True Addictions #1: Non-Smoking

2012-04-09T16:56:00.000-05:00

I'm addicted to non-smoking. If I'm holding something like a pen while I'm concentrating, without even thinking about it, I begin fake puffing and fake blowing of imaginary smoke. Sometimes I'll do it even if I don't have something in my hand. And If I'm lost in a day dream... I'm practically a non-chain smoker.

Naturally, I suppose the general assumption would be that I still have the habit from when I used to be a smoker. Perfectly logical conclusion with one tiny problem: I've never smoked anything in my life. Couldn't, I'm actually allergic to smoke.

So where does this addiction come from?

After much consideration I have come to the conclusion that must be from candy cigarettes as a child. Though they may fly under the name of Popeye's candy sticks now, once upon when I was a kid, I bought candy cigarettes. I very much enjoyed playing with them (certainly wouldn't have gotten them for eating as they tasted horrible). Even back then I had no intention of ever smoking for real, just liked the action and look.

Moral of the story? I'm living proof that candy cigarettes don't turn children into smokers, they turn them into non-smokers. And just for the record, yes, before I started writing this post, I stubbed out my pen on a piece of paper. Maybe it's time I started on the non-patch?

Stop Whining About Pluto

2012-04-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

Planets were called “wandering stars” in ancient times.
Protesters would have printed up t-shirts saying, “Just because
they wander, doesn’t mean they’re not stars!"

Then the Greeks called them “wanderers”.
T-Shirts may have said, “It’s okay Mars, I’m not a star either.”

“Wanderer” in Greek is “planētoi”, which sounded
like “planet”, so they called them planets.
T-shirts would declare, “What’s wrong with
‘Wanderer’? ‘Planet’ sounds stupid! Stop changing our sky!”

The moon was also considered a planet. A really big one.
Valentine’s Day cards would read, “If you were
a planet, you’d be the moon to me.”

Then Aristotle said that comets weren’t planets.
Newspaper headlines would read, “Planets Get Their Tails Clipped!”

When it was discovered that the Earth went around

the sun, in the 16th century, the Earth was suddenly

a “planet” but the moon no longer was.
Kings were flooded with angry emails, “The Earth is now a ‘planet’?!
What’s next, is the sun going be a ‘star’?!”

“Planets” were seen orbiting Jupiter in the 17th century.
Newspapers headlined, “Jupiter May Have More Planets Than The Sun!”

Later, Jupiter’s “planets” were changed to “moons” instead.
T-shirts were sympathetically printed up,

“It’s okay Jupiter. It happened to us too.”

Bunches and bunches of “planets” were found, and named,

in the 18th century, until scientists decided to reclassify

them, in the 19th century, as “asteroids”.
18th century bumper stickers read,

“My child can name more planets than your child.”

In the 20th century, Pluto was discovered. By the 21st century

a bunch of other “planets” were found near Pluto, forming a

second asteroid belt—called the Kuiper belt.
Death threats to astronomers read,

“If you change Pluto, we’ll send you there.”

The definition of a “planet” had to
be changed … again. So stop whining.

The above nerdiness is the fault of Sebastian Black, and does not necessarily represent the opinions of The Non-Review. So if you're still upset about Pluto and want to hit someone, hit him.

Doctor Who Easter Colouring Pages

2012-04-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Doctor Who Time Vortex (a great news site for Whovians), I was recently made aware of an Easter gift of Doctor Who colouring sheets. They are available on BBC's site HERE and feature two packs, one for heroes, and one for baddies. So whether you're open about your love for colouring, like me, or just a closet crayon fan, head on over to get your colour on.

Titanic 3D, American Reunion: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-04-06T12:30:00.000-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Titanic 3D - It's unbelievable how little I actually care.

American Reunion - This bed is on fire with gasoline...

Oh sure, I could pretend like there are other movies out this week. There's a 3D documentary on air racing out; a handful of minor interest limited releases swimming around the theatrical pond. But really it's about American Reunion. Hunger Games last week slapped Wrath of the Titans in the face like it was its... Finish that sentence however you see fit. I'm going with orange myself. So clearly, it's still got enough steam going to be a top movie. Reunion will share Hunger Games audience, but with an R rating, it's not really competing. Titanic 3D is a what it is. Seems completely unnecessary, but then, I've felt that about James Cameron as a person for years. Undoubtedly it will be felt. How big? Hard to say. I suppose there's a contingent of people out there who would like to revisit Leonardo DiCaprio on the big screen, before the days of looking like someone injected helium into his frontal lobes.

As far as American Reunion. What's there to say really? Each film of the original trilogy was essentially the same movie repackaged with different settings. Either you're a fan and your going or it was never your cup of tea, and you're not. This really is a film that anyone who goes to see it, knows what they're getting ahead of time.

I'll give you odds though that at some point in the film, probably towards the end when everything is golden between Jim and Michelle, that there's a nod to the first film by way of Jim grabbing an apple pie and heading to the bedroom with Michelle. Sly smiles and winks optional.

So with Easter on the way, I leave you with this thought: Don't go see Titanic 3D. The madness has to stop somewhere. Go watch Hunger Games. Yes, I know you've seen it, but how many times have you seen Titanic by now? What? I don't care that it's in 3D. That doesn't change the story. Fine... I can tell you're just going to ignore my pleas anyway.

Have a happy Easter weekend everyone!

The Non-Obits - April 5, 2012

2012-04-05T11:00:00.001-05:00

Eddie Murphy

1961 - 2012

Famed comedian and actor Eddie Murphy was officially pronounced dead this past week after it was announced he was being sought after for the upcoming sequel to 'Twins' tentatively titled 'Triplets'. Said a fan of Murphy's who was on the scene, "I've long suspected that Eddie died years ago and was replaced by an evil robot that only makes s**** movies." While it is actually believed that Murphy died back in 1998 between the release of Doctor Doolittle and Holy Man, it was not officially confirmed until the horrible casting news broke this past week. He is survived by the slim hope that he is still alive somewhere, being kept locked up in a dungeon, waiting for someone to free him.

Tom Wilson's Love For Death Metal

1988 - 2012

Sad news this week music lovers, Tom Wilson's love for death metal has passed away. Tom who himself was a drummer for an Entombed cover band through his teen years, into his early 20's, confirmed it early Monday morning. "I liked a lot of things when I was young," Tom spoke at the press conference, "I used to down two Big Macs at a go, but now the thought of just one gives me heartburn. And oddly enough, so does Death Metal." Tom who recently turned 40 was spotted a few weeks back purchasing a Sufjan Stevens album on iTunes.

Michelangelo

1968 -2012

Fans of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were heartbroken yesterday when police confirmed that Michelangelo, one of 3 turtles the popular comic and cartoon series was based on, was found dead in his apartment. While police have yet to give word as to whether or not foul play might have been involved, Leonardo, a close friend confessed to being "worried" before he was whisked away in a police car. Few people realize that Michelangelo was actually the inspiration for two of the turtles, his namesake, and Raphael. Donatello and former baddie Shredder, who have been sharing an apartment together in Queens, could not be reached for comment. Services will be held this Saturday before his body is laid to rest in a toilet and flushed.

NON-DEATH OF THE WEEK:

Carol Channing

1921 - ????

Part of eastern Massachusetts were surprised to learn this week that Carol Channing is still alive. A Tony award winning and Oscar nominated actress, Channing is best known for her unique voice. However of more interest is her secret to longevity which some believe stems from her rare ability to attain energy from holding on to grudges. Not slowing down any, she is expected to outlive her Thoroughly Modern Millie co-cast members, Julie Andrews and Mary Tyler Moore. Whatever evil spell is keeping her alive, we here at TNR wish her many good years to come! ...Mostly out of fear.

Wrath of the Titans, Mirror Mirror: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-03-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

The Legend of Hell's Gate: An American Conspiracy (limited)- The title's surely longer than the movie.

Mirror Mirror - I don't understand, how did this happen?

Wrath of the Titans - *Sigh* drawn like a fly to honey.

The Clash of the Titans was... Not great. I loved the original from the 80's as a kid. Okay, as a now too. Cheesy can be good. I wanted badly for it to be good even though I expected the worst. With the Wrath out I'm in the same place again. I know it can't be good. Everything about it screams "Hey, I suck" yet when I see melee on screen, I can't help myself. I haven't heard a positive word about it yet. The CGI is supposed to be pretty bad again, which was a downfall for the first film too. But I guess I'll find out for myself.

Here's my problem with Mirror Mirror: It's not Snow White and the Huntsman. Way back when I first heard there would be rival Snow White films, I was completely disinterested. But then when I found out one of them was being directed by Tarsem Singh, I suddenly had hope for it. While I hated The Cell, the visual style was undeniably fantastic. And I've spoken before of my love for his film The Fall. The idea of Tarsem's visuals on a dark fairy tale, got me excited. When Julia Roberts was cast, I wasn't thrilled, but held judgment. Then came the day of the trailers for both rival films. Watching the trailer for Mirror Mirror, I was completely disappointed in what I saw. Not remotely the film I'd been anticipating. The fact of the matter is that Snow White and the Huntsman looks like what I was expecting from Tarsem. And the more I see of Mirror Mirror, the less inclined I find myself towards watching it.

So thanks to a hilarious post by Corrupt Camel yesterday about Shania Twain, I found myself with her songs floating through my head. As I'm far from being a fan (in that I dislike greatly every song she's done) I was ever grateful for my favorite version of her song 'You're Still The One' as covered by the short lived group Roper. Have a listen:

Good Stuff.

So, anyone planning on seeing either of the two films out this weekend?

March Madness for Dumb Titles

2012-03-29T14:52:00.001-05:00

For our final bracket of March 2012, which we’ve been doing in honor of March Madness, we have designed a bracket to help you decide, step by step, what movie has the dumbest title. As always, it is printer-friendly, and as always we’d love to hear your results.

The Dinosaur Party Debates: First Round Results

2012-03-27T11:17:00.001-05:00

We've come to the end of the first round of debate and having done so have narrowed the field down to 4 candidates. While it's still too early to pick a clear winner, there certainly are clear favorites emerging. For those of you impatient to know who won the last round, it was Jeff by a landslide. Landslide is actually putting it mildly as John Quincy Public failed to garner even a single vote. It's clear that Jeff must truly be a carnivore because he certainly went for the jugular.

At the end of the first rounds we are left with the following candidates:

And now we will enjoy a small intermission from the debates while the candidates take a few moments to collect themselves before the next harrowing round begins.

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