The Non-Review

Movies to see After you die: Sunrise

2012-02-16T10:46:00.002-06:00

Since there are thousands of lists of “Movies to see before you die,” you might not be able to fit in some other good, non-list-making, films until after you’ve died. But we’re here for you. Our team of movie investigators, here at The Non-Review, will uncover some worthwhile movies for you to watch on the Grim Reaper’s TV.

Movie to see after you die:

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans

Don’t change the channel when you read the next sentence. This movie is a silent film. I know, this is a hard sell. But let me make my case, before you hit Ctrl+W. (What? You didn’t know that “Ctrl+W” will close a web page? Oh, well then forget I said anything.) The reason I’m recommending this movie is threefold:

There are very few title cards (i.e. written dialogues), which is rare for silent films.
The special effects are surprisingly good.
The actors can act, and the director can direct.

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, is the tale of a broken marriage where the husband is enamored by a beautiful young tramp from the city. She tries to persuade him to drown his wife, and the story unfolds from there. What’s unexpected is that the characters are able to draw you in, and you may be surprised when you find yourself fearful or even smiling at what is happening to them.

One strength of this particular silent film is that it has sound effects. Most musical scores in silent films do little more than add to the mood of a scene. In Sunrise, though, storms are accompanied with thunder-like sounds, trains with steam sounds, and even street scenes with crowd noises and car horns. Also, with so few title cards, the story relies much more on the actors. And other than a dramatic flourish now and then, they do very well.

One final point: The advantage to watching a silent film is that—now, don’t hit me for this—you can fast forward with very little risk of missing anything. I’m ashamed to admit I did so a little during this film. (For which I’m sure the Grim Reaper is sharpening his scythe right now.) But it really is a great film, and still impresses and captivates viewers to this day. You can find Sunrise on DVD, or you can stream it through YouTube. (If you're interested, here's the Link)

[Normal movie rating] - [Must-see movie quality] = [Scythe Score]

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans
Scythe score: 7.5 souls out of 10

What Cats Are Saying About Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T09:45:00.000-06:00

We recently polled some local cats again. This time we wanted to know what they thought of Valentine's Day.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'

"I got my valentine this great, empty, heart shaped box this year. All I had to do was eat all those pesky candies. Now she can put in whatever she wants."

'Mrs. Kisses'

"Valentine's Day is a made up holiday to remind me that I'm still single. I can't help it if every time someone shows interest I get bite-y."

'The Duchess Gary Cooper'

"Isn't tomorrow your nephews birthday? Why don't you ask us about him? I like that kid... cleans up my poop."

'Melvin'

"Mom says I wouldn't like Valentine's Day because I'm too naughty to be loved."

Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, The Vow, Safe house: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-02-10T17:51:00.002-06:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Safe House - I have no idea what it's about.

Star Wars Episode 1 The Phantom Menace 3D - Presumably, I'm supposed to care about now.

The Vow - Must... Not... Fall... Asleep... Zzzz... *snort* Biscuits?

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island - If you need me, I'll be crying.

So on Super Bowl Sunday I woke up sick and was all "what's worse than being sick for the Super Bowl?" After another three days of being down for the count I found out.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who saw the advertising for Journey 2 and thought, Nooo... They wouldn't be taking a Jules Verne novel that was a sequel to 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and calling it a sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth. No studio, no matter how sketchy its ethics couldn't possibly stoop that low. Also just for fun I'm going to keep this thought tangent going to run up the length of italics when I finally write it down. I wonder what's on DIY? Oooh, Renovation Realities! Please, please tell me I'm not alone in this madness. On behalf of Jules Verne, I give a great big raspberry.

*Ahem*

Sppppplllltttttt.

Tha.......

We interrupt this blog post to bring you a breaking story!

Okay not really. After being without internet for a couple weeks and getting it back up again, I once again had it go down for about a day. Good thing it didn't happen while I was, oh I don't know, writing this post. Point is, it's late, and the train of thought I was on at the time left me at the way station while I was picking up a book of riddles to try on Blaine when I re-boarded (see what I've been reduced to? Stephen King references who knows how many will get).

So let's do this quick than shall we? I really have no idea what Safe House is about. Well, logically it stands to reason that it's about a safe house of some sorts. A weird thing happens to me whenever an ad for it comes on or I read about it. I completely zone out. I think I might even hear buzzing. You know, like that sound you hear sometimes that's high pitched and is actually in your ear drum dying?* Yeah, like that. Maybe it's the greatest movie in the world, but I'll never know because it's going to fade from my memorey quickly. In fact, I think it might already be gone. What's gone? Exactly.

Star Wars... Skip it. I figure I'm due to write an essay on the subject. I've got some points that should really upset fanboys. Not that any fanboys read this blog, so I should be alright.

And finally, The Vow. I really like Rachel McAdams (I'm still convinced I remember her from a McDonalds she used to work at. Canada'd. (on a side note, and yes this is a parentheses within a parentheses, like Inception, only no squinting Leo DiCaprio (buy glasses already! Hey, third level...), Spell Check didn't tell me that Canada'd was wrong, so I guess I can use it safely) Boom.) but why do all her movies look like they have no life to them? Seriously, I've enjoyed some films I thought I'd hate because the advertising made them look as appealing as watching paint watch you dry after you've stepped in it. So while I may one day end up giving it a shot, my first inclination once again is to say Yawn.

One day, that last paragraph will be framed and hanging in every English professor's class. Most likely with a note underneath that says 'don't do this in my class, or I'll kill you.'

Grim fellas them English profs.

Have a great weekend everyone.

*Fun Fact of the Day!

Spoiler-Free Movie Review of The Woman in Black

2012-02-05T22:15:00.001-06:00

Nope. No spoilers here. Just a quick review with very few details, so as not to disturb your viewing pleasure. In fact, if you’ve seen the movie poster, then there’s really nothing for me to spoil. But I’ll be careful anyway.

In the movie, The Woman in Black, Daniel Radcliffe (playing the main character) looks dapper in his dark three-piece suit. Oops. Sorry about that. I said no spoilers, and I just gave away his whole wardrobe for the entire film. Very sorry. Well, anyway, he goes out into the fog. Snap! I did it again. I gave away the weather conditions of the entire movie. I’ll try to be more careful.

So, Daniel goes to a big creepy house. Forgive me, I did it yet again. I had no intention of giving away the entire film’s location. Perhaps I should stop before I give everything away. Suffice it to say, the woman in black appears and makes us jump a lot. Oh, I am so ashamed! I didn’t mean to ruin the entire plot—I really didn’t. Please, forget what I said.

I know the movie poster shows you Daniel Radcliffe, in a dark suit, beside a creepy house, in the fog, in a scary way, but … wait a second. They put the whole movie on the poster?! That’s amazing! How did they cram it all on there? You gotta hand it to the graphics department. That’s impressive. But why would they spoil the entire movie like that? I’d never do that. Jerks.

Posted by Reputation@Stake

Big Miracle, The Woman in Black, Chronicle: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-02-03T09:33:00.001-06:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Big Miracle - Whale's Take: Is that a fat joke?

The Innkeepers (limited) - Nice try not The Woman in Black.

The Woman in Black - Here comes woman in black. Galaxy defender...

Chronicle - They had me at teens abusing powers.

I think quite possibly I've watched Groundhog's Day every day other than Groundhog's Day. I realize that 364 viewings seems like a low estimate, but I'll stick to that.

It's not that I'm anti-animal -I fully believe in preserving, taking care and not abusing- but I tend to roll my eyes at animal activists. Course I do that with any activist really... This has translated to an odd intolerance for movies that revolve around saving over glorified fish. When Free Willy came out I was probably the only one in my class who couldn't care less. Mind you, Big Miracle is a totally different type of beast of a film, with completely different themes and tangents. Not to mention the whole based on a true blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah (bet you think the number of blahs is random. It's not, I had a rhythm going). But to make a long story short -too late- (I wonder how many people will get the Clue reference?) you'll forgive me if I roll my eyes, yawn and try not to think too hard about this movie. Even if it does the guy from The Office. Sure, I know his name is John Krasinski, but it's easier to say guy from The Office than trying to remember if I spelled his name right. Course, I just defeated the whole point of it by still spelling out his name, but what ya' gonna do?

I am really interested in seeing The Woman in Black. I've enjoyed Daniel Radcliffe in other non-Potter roles, and I like the look and tone of the trailers. I haven't read the novel it's based on, though I keep meaning to. Still it looks proper spooky and that's my cup of tea. Mind you though I really see it as more of a rental if for no other reason than...

I really want to see Chronicle. I have since the first preview. It just makes me think of a dozen Twilight Zone episodes rolled into one movie. It's direct and co-written by Josh Trank who was a co-producer of Big Fan. I'm hoping that lends to a much darker tone for the film. And yes it does fall under the category of a Found Footage film, but from everything I've heard, the film really rises above and beyond that, largely playing that for good, and as a way to cheapen the quality of the film work. And seriously, if the trailers weren't enough to sell me, their marketing was. Check out this video of a marketing stunt they did for the film:

How cool is that?

I must say it's nice having my internet up and running again. Now if I can just budget more time for blogging I'll be a happy camper.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Stick Figure Movies #2: The Natural

2012-02-01T16:49:00.000-06:00

P. S. Despite what Rep may have thought, I am still alive. Unless this is one of those Bruce Willis I'm-really-a-ghost-but-I-don't-know-it things. Oh, and sorry to the one guy who I just ruined the Sixth Sense for. Is it my fault your country only gets American movies 13 years after they're released? How do you have internet?!

Point is... Okay I don't have one. Anyway, I was without internet for a couple weeks, but I have it again. So the two of you who missed me -sorry, three, I forgot to count the Sixth Sense guy- I'm back (hooray?). The rest of you, carry on with your indifference. That's what makes you all you. I think. Well who cares. See, it makes me me too.

My sentences are like poetry.

Non-Obits: Special Edition

2012-01-28T14:28:00.000-06:00

TS Hendrik
1983 – Last Week ?

There’s a pretty good chance that TS Hendrik has most likely died. Reports vary, but it is believed that his extended absence from the blogging world is a result of his untimely demise. At first there was an outlandish rumor that his internet was simply down, but after he repeatedly ignored numerous emails requesting that he confirm or deny this claim, the rumor was deemed bogus. The more likely explanation was that he had kicked the bucket. The first intimations that tragedy had struck were the worried whisperings of Sir Reginald Plumperdink, The Duchess Gary Cooper, and Melvin. But when there was no “7-Word Weekend Review” post, two Fridays in a row, suspicions were assumed confirmed. His desire was that his epitaph should read "He loved Love but Love loved another". He will be missed as long as he is missing.

Karat
Dec. 27, 2011 – Jan. 27, 2012

Mr. Hendrik’s beloved goldfish, Karat, passed away yesterday afternoon. Many people fondly remember her from the post TS wrote about her, just one short month ago. Due to TS’s disappearance, no one was around to feed her, and she gave up her last pixel at around 12:30 pm. She is survived by the bacteria growing inside her bowl which, ironically, only exists because TS wasn't around to clean it.

Sadly reported by Reputation@Stake

MOVIES IN THREES: Saving Private Ryan

2012-01-19T08:56:00.001-06:00

Telling a movie in only
3 pictures
3 quotes
3 statements

“Maybe not the captain, but the rest of us got mothers.”

Since 3 of the 4 Ryan brothers have been killed, the army doesn’t want the mother to get any sadder, so they’ll go looking for the last one.

“What's the use in risking the lives of the 8 of us to save one guy?”

Many bullets and shaky cameras later, they find him.

“He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb.”

A bunch of people die, but Ryan gets home and grows old.

Brought to you by Reputation@Stake

The Best Post You'll Never Read

2012-01-18T10:05:00.000-06:00

Don't let the Government Censor the Internet. Take action.

For more on SOPA & PIPA and to sign a petition, click HERE

Fortune Cookie Fortune For The Week #3

2012-01-16T09:39:00.000-06:00

What We Learned This Week At The Non-Review

2012-01-15T17:33:00.000-06:00

Yes, I brought out the above banner again. I use it when I feels Rockin' Roll.

So what did we learn?

I learned that Alex J. Cavanaugh, loves Top Gear ( Me too, I've been debating whether to include it in the British shows column) and that Chuck loves MI5 (Then you should definitely check out Luther, same guy is behind it).

I learned that I can write a review for 3 movies at once and be as manic as I like and instead of invective hurled at me, some of you actually enjoy a little madness now and again.

Oh, and then this happened. I managed to capture the moment with careful watching that my odometer clicked over:

Okay you can't really see it unless you enlarge it. The gist of it is that I hit 100,000 views. Mind you, that only measures since blogger installed the analytics, which was about 8 months after I started TNR, and in reality I hit that number a long time ago. But that's neither here nor there. Point is, I've come this far and still kicking.

I also learned that a man will do anything for a potato, though I already knew that thanks to Christian Bale. But hey, it's always good to remember such wisdom.

Beauty and the Beast 3D, Contraband, Joyful Noise: 7 Word Weekend Review

2012-01-13T10:55:00.000-06:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Beauty and the Beast 3D - Tale as old as time. Well, apparently.

Contraband - My problem is, I don't understand why.

The Divide (limited) - I bet it bombs. Get it? Oh...

Joyful Noise - Everything I hate in one unattractive package.

See because The Divide is about a nuclear bomb going off and... never mind.

I think we're going to do things a little different this week. You know how I like to shake things up in the world of reviewing. Well, not so much shake up as lightly jiggle. And then mostly in my world of reviews. Non-Reviews. Point is, we're going to change things up. Thusly I present you with all three movies reviewed at once. The Divide doesn't factor in cause, why should it?

I've always been a fan of Beauty and Beasts, though I'd have to say that Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton both make better beasts than Mark Walhberg. I'm sorry but I've always had trouble buying him as an action star. He's as convincing an action star to me as Jerry Orbach is a singing candle. Note please that I said is, not was. He's dead after all, and I've never known a dead guy to make for a good candle. Unless of course you count that guy who had himself preserved in wax and set up in his old Alma mater. But he didn't sing, and that's really gross, and honestly I'm just digressing. Where was I? Oh yes, singing. Dolly Parton sings, and usually it's just annoying. Queen Latifah 'sings' and that's annoying. Mark Wahlberg... well I'd rather not go there. So chalk one up for Disney cause I'd rather listen to Angela Lansbury steaming up a hot brew and chortling to a perpetually 8 year old cup about how a pretty girl can fall in love with a beast. Not to be confused with beastiality, because... Hmm... We'll come back to that one. Anyways, I'd rather Lansbury carrying on than listen to the aging pipes of a singer who's been more famous for her bust in the waning years than her voice. Plus I still can't forgive her for that penny dreadful version of Collective Soul's 'Shine'. This paragraph is starting to get long though so... Break!

Should we then to some extent skip the music, skip the stars and go straight to the heart of any film's draw?The pizaz, no that's not the right spelling. Spell check suggests pizza, which doesn't seem right. Skip it, I'll edit it out later unless I forget. That does happen sometimes. Especially when i'm just running on like this and realize it'd erase like half a paragraph. Digressing, start over. Every film has an 'it' factor. Some make IT a good film and some make IT a bad one. Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton... Now I must weigh, how politically incorrect it would be to say they make me think of an interracial version of Frog and Toad. Nope, pretty sure that would be offensive, so I won't say that it's its it factor (it's its it, my sentences are like poetry). I will say that mark Wahlberg has reminded me occasionally of a dancing bear in a weird way. Something about the face. Probably better if you don't ask. Getting long again... Break!

I'm willing to admit when I make mistakes. I made one last week when I said Devil Inside might be good with a crowd. From what I've heard a crowd only turns to mob when watching that film. I also made a mistake when I thought as a kid watching X-Files that Giovanni Ribisi would be a great actor, shining in many fantastic roles. Instead he's become one of those actors that if I see is in a movie I have to deduct 2 points off the film prior to seeing it. As Mark Wahlberg's costar in the film, I guess you could call him the IT factor. Which just leaves the beastiality flick. Plus side, teaches your kids the importance of finding the beauty within. Negative, they might then fall in love with a talking wolf. Which is okay if it's a Teen Wolf, but should be avoided at all costs otherwise. Still I think that leaves Beauty and the Beast up at the top. Even if it has been seen a thousand times before, it's never a bad film to revisit. Plus you get to see Jerry Orbach doing the very things he tried to put Baby in a corner for. In the end, 2 films I'd wait for video for and 1 film that's been on video for a couple decades so you might as well see it in theater.

Aaaanddd... Rest.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Fortune Cookie Fortune For Your Week #2

2012-01-06T20:03:00.003-06:00

The Devil Inside, Beneath the Darkness: 7 Word Weekend

2012-01-06T10:04:00.000-06:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Beneath the Darkness (limited) - Sometimes I really miss good Dennis Quaid.

The Devil Inside - Your science got in my religion. Mmm...

Okay, so maybe I was already jaded in my youth, but when people compare all exorcism films against The Exorcist, I could honestly care less about how it stacks up. When I first watched The Exorcist I was around 16 and thought it was boring. Yes, boring. Throughout my years I've found pretty much most of the demonic possession films I've seen to be rather dull. So when I first heard about The Devil Inside, well, needless to say, I greeted it with a great big "who cares?" I've also hated most of the films that have tried to surf the Paranormal Activity wave. Sure I liked the first PA, but I still think that was mostly fluke. All that said, when I watched the red band trailer for The Devil Inside, I found myself interested. It's not the whole science and religion approach as that seems like they're trying to make too big of a deal out of the concept. Perhaps it's just that I like to see nuns and priests possessed. Yeah, let's go with that. Whatever the reason, while I'll wait for it to hit DVD (though I'm sure it'll win the box office this weekend) I do plan on checking it out.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't the most fair to Dennis Quaid. He has done some decent films in the last decade. But I'm thinking it was about four at the most. I did, surprisingly enough, enjoy Vantage Point. But don't make me start name dropping films like the Yours, Mine and Ours and Flight of the Phoenix remakes, because no one wants to think about those particular abominations. I still love him and think he's a good actor, he just has a habit of ending up in bad films. With Beneath the Darkeness, Quaid finds himself playing a villainous mortician, keen on killing the local teens when they get snooping. I'm sorry, but in real life, if the Scooby Doo gang went around investigating, they'd be hacked to bits. And to me that's what the film looks like. A bad attempt at an adult Scooby Doo story line. Overacting included. But don't take my word for it, have a look at the trailer for yourself, but be warned, if sensitive ears are around, there's some naughty language:

Mind you I fully plan on seeing it eventually. Hey I said he was a grown up Scooby Doo villain. I never said I thought that was a bad thing.

Or Stay In This Weekend With:

Since this seems to be a horror themed weekend. I'm going to recommend for those looking for some stay at home gore, Tucker and Dale vs Evil. As the film is now available through Netflix, a lot of you are out of excuses not to watch it. The film is a hilarious play on hillbilly horror films. Focusing on Tucker and Dale, two innocent red necks who want nothing more than to fix up their vacation home. Unfortunately some local teens on a camping trip get the impression that Tucker and Dale are psychotic hillbillies. As the teens plan to uncover the truth, they one by one find their demise through accidents of their own making. The film is a bit gory, but it's intelligently written and well done. Plus it stars Alan Tudyk, who is always great. It's a fun horror film that doesn't disappoint. 7.5 out of 10

I seem to be having a problem with blogger lately. I'm commenting on people's blogs but then my comment disappears. I've noted it a few times now. Also when I'm writing up posts, it refuses to publish them according to what date I publish them, but rather by what day I wrote it. Anyone else having similar issues?

What Cats Are Saying About 2011

2011-12-31T11:56:00.003-06:00

We recently polled some local cats again. This time we wanted to know what they thought about 2011, as it comes to an end.

'Sir Reginald Plumperdink'

"About a month ago, some visited the site because they looked up my name. I'm all kinds of famous. I'm thinking in 2012 of using my celebrity to launch a series of cook books. 'Cooking With Plumperdink.'"

'Mrs. Kisses'

"This year I left Mr. Kisses. I'm now seeing Mr. Hugs. One crack and I'll level you."

'The Duchess Gary Cooper'

"It came and went. The world changed as it always does, but one thing stayed constant. Moi."

'Melvin'

"I learned you CAN pick your friend's nose."

The Best In British TV vol.3

2011-12-28T17:50:00.000-06:00

There have been numerous suggestions for what should appear in this series of posts. however after some thought I've decided to shy away from old standards like Doctor Who and Monty Python, as everyone already knows what they're getting there (and not a dis on either as chances are good if you've followed this blog any length of time you'll have gathered I'm fans of both). No, my focus is to pass along to other stateside readers, good shows they should give a shot. Course if any UK readers want to school me in some shows I've never heard of, feel free. I'm always up for finding more cool TV.

Luther (2010-)
Starring: Idris Elba, Warren Brown, Ruth Wilson
Series: 2 (10 episodes)
Netflix: Series 1 Available To Stream

The show follows police detective John Luther as he investigates brutal murder cases and serial killers, all the while trying to keep his personal life together. One of his cases introduces him to a dark and brilliant woman who has committed the perfect murder of her parents. With John not afraid of blurring the line between right and wrong for the sake of justice and saving lives, the two develop a fascination for each other.

This show is brutal. Completely unafraid of stepping outside the norm to catch you off your guard. One really is left with the sense, early on that no one is safe, and that anything can happen. In some ways it tends to step outside the realms of reality, but in its sense of danger it hits at an eery level. The victims, hoping to be rescued, aren't guaranteed saving. The heroes aren't guaranteed to save the day. In some ways it actually reminds me of the first season of Dexter (before the second and third season mediocrity left me disinterested) in how it approaches a less than black & white view of morality. The writing on the show is crisp and at 6 episodes in the first series and 4 in the second, it doesn't have a chance to get bogged down with filler (though I will add the one reason I won't give it a perfect score is because it's too short in my opinion for a couple of plot lines to properly develop). The acting is fantastic, with Idris Elba creating a character that deserves a place in the pantheon of great television and film detectives. Even the soundtrack is great, with songs that fit the closing scenes perfectly. The only thing I would warn is that this is not a show for kids. The violence, is more than a bit extreme in places. But if you're looking for a good crime drama that starts out intense and doesn't stop till the credits roll, than you couldn't pick a better show. 9 out 10

Primeval (2007-)

Starring: Andrew Lee Potts, Hannah Spearritt, Ben Miller

Series: 5 (36 episodes)

Netflix: First 3 Series Available To Stream

When strange portals through time start appearing, a group is tasked with containing the dinosaurs and strange creatures that come through them, as well as trying to solve the mystery of the anomalies.

Primeval manages somehow to be so much more than the sum of its parts. Weaknesses abound in the writing throughout the show, having really sharp, well done episodes, and some less than stellar writing in others. Like with my favorite type of genre fiction, the show is character driven. From the start, the characters compel you to stay in their world with them. Even as the series progresses, with some characters leaving and dying, a few core members of the show keep you coming back. I don't want to make it sound like that's the only redeeming factor of the show. Even in the places where the writing and production comes up short, Primeval still manages to be entertaining. It's like that series of trashy novels you keep coming back to because they're light, fun, with compelling characters, and creates a complete escapist luxury. After all, inside everyone there's a desire to be an explorer. Oh yeah, and it has dinosaurs. Seriously, what more could you ask for in a show? 8 out of 10

Being Human (2008-)
Starring: Lenora Crichlow, Russell Tovey, Aidan Turner, Sinead Keenan
Series: 3 (22 episodes)
Netflix: Streaming

A vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost all live together and do their best to maintain a low key profile all the while ever in search of some sense of normality in their lives.

This is yet another show in the long tradition of American's taking and remaking it for their own, as SyFy is starting on it's second season of its Being Human. Accept no substitutes though. The original British version is a brilliantly written and produced horror series that boldly embraces the anti hero. In the vampire, Mitchell, you have a dark brooding figure who struggles with what he is, and does his best to abstain from drinking blood. His best friend is the moody and geeky werewolf, George, who longs for a normal life, but has trouble getting close to anyone. These are countered by the bubbly and high spirited Annie, a ghost who haunts the place they rent. The show demonstrates textbook checks and balances. Sweet and horrific, funny and tearfully dramatic. Subject matter being what it is, you can expect a lot of violent and disturbing scenes, and they do abound, but if you get past that, (or if you're a horror fan, love) you'll be presented with a show that challenges you on many different levels. 9 out of 10*

*Probably would have gone a half point higher except I get tired of seeing George's ass every time he transforms.

Stick Figure Movies vol. 1: Citizen Kane

2011-12-27T16:23:00.003-06:00

Fortune Cookie Fortune For Your Week #1

2011-12-27T16:07:00.000-06:00

3 Things I Have In Common With: A Goldfish

2011-12-27T14:55:00.001-06:00

1) We both like to swim around aimlessly.

2) We both like to surface to eat.

3) We both enjoyed Happy Days when we were younger, but find it boring now.

Naughty Or Nice List 2011 Part 2/2

2011-12-24T14:46:00.000-06:00

5. Pat Robertson

Randy' Naughty List:

Because of you I have found a love for Mac & Cheese & black people. I kind of think you you actually belong on the nice list. What? I love me some Mac & Cheese & ethnicity.

TS's Nice List:

A great teacher of the bible, Pat Robertson has taught me a lot over the years. A couple years ago, I learned that it's okay to condone assassinations. Last year I learned that if you're a teenage girl trying to lose weight, you shouldn't ask God to help you stay strong and have willpower. You just need to get off the couch. This year however, Pat taught me that it's okay to divorce your wife if she has Alzheimer's, because that's a form of death. Thanks Pat, you truly are a great teacher.

4. Natural Disasters

Randy's Naughty List:

Do you remember that soda shop with that nice old Mr. Jenkins who always remembered your name? How about that place you went on your honeymoon, where you met that wonderful couple who showed you around? And there was that little spot, where you said you'd return to one day and reminisce. Remember your sweet grandmother? Well those places and people are all gone. Grandma? Dead. Natural disasters are naughty.

TS's Nice List:

Natural disasters take lives. So do cars, peanuts, and the Olsen Twins (unproved). But no one calls them evil. Okay, maybe the Olsens... But my point is, what about all the good things natural disasters bring to the table? Many businesses thrive because of them. Now, before you jump to the profiting-from-the-misery-of-others argument, consider grocery stores which profit from you being hungry. Natural disasters also bring out the best in humanity. It sucks that it often takes a catastrophe for us to wake up to the needs of others, but it's amazing what people can, and will do, to help their fellow man.

Oh, and where would we be without the tornado-porn that makes up 80% of The Weather Channel's programming?

3. The 25 Who Didn't Make The List

Randy's Naughty List:

So this year is a shorter list than the last and for a good reason. You Justin Biebers and Kardashians made it tooooo easy for me. All I have to do is say your name Herman Cain and people know, naughty. Amanda Knox, come on. And to have to explain why a tsunami, earthquake, or a nuclear meltdown it belongs on the naughty list is redundant. So to the 25 missing from the list this year, naughty.

TS's Nice List:

What can I say? I was busy this year. I didn't have the time to point out everyone's redeeming features. Couldn't take the time to explain why you were all misunderstood. Why it was okay for Hank Williams Jr. to compare Obama to Hitler (he has a weird vision problem where he sees taller black men as short, white, German dictators). Nor could spend even a few minutes detailing why Lindsey Lohan working in a morgue and her Playboy shoot were for good reasons (new career to disappear into and a reminder of someone people actually liked). But this is not your fault. Next year is a new opportunity to make the list. Another chance to show why you're all nice.

2. Steve Jobs

Randy's Naughty List:

We sat here content in our beautiful world. It was a wonderful time, listening to my CD on my personal CD player. Watching movies on my TV, playing games on my PC and taking calls on my cell phone. I didn't have a care in the world. Truly it was a heaven on earth. I still remember the day. Here is an apple, the man said, take of it and you will see and know things, with complete understanding. My sweet girlfriend to the side saying to me Try it. We will be all knowing and problem free. The bald man told me so. I now have an apple for you. Naughty.

TS's Nice List:

I suppose it would be easy to turn this into a eulogy. Problem is, my apple experience is limited. I grew up on a steady diet of PC. While not denying the impact Jobs had on the world, I'm just not the most qualified to speak to it. Sure, I've used Macs and iProducts. But not enough to be fanatic. That said I would like to thank Jobs for the hippo game. I remember when I was in kindergarten, there was an old apple computer in class with a hippo game. I loved that game. It was responsible for lighting a passion for computers in me. For that, I will always rate Jobs as nice.

Wait... that did turn into a eulogy. Crap.

1. Dead Celebrities in 2011

Randy's Naughty List:

Actually, I wrote a song to express how I feel and made a video to go with it, if that's alright.

TS's Nice List:

...yeah, like I'm going to try and follow that. Though for the record it's Francis Bay, not Francis Ray.

Special thanks to my brother Randy who wrote and recorded a song, while sick no less, just for the sake of this post. Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you all found yourselves on the nice list this year.

Naughty Or Nice List 2011: Part 1/2

2011-12-24T00:32:00.000-06:00

Last year we began a tradition here at The Non-Review, taking a look at people and where they fit in on the proverbial naughty or nice list. This year, due to limited time, we had to trim it down to a list of 10 from the 35 we did last year. As with last year my brother will be arguing each one for the naughty, and I will be arguing for the nice. So sit back, relax, and find who made the list this year.

10. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

Randy's Naughty List:

These two joined in marriage before the whole world, in a service I wasn't invited to. We were introduced to Pippa and those sinful curves, via the TV at 3 am. We saw the beautiful magnificence of what a royal event should be. We watched wishing Diana could be there, knowing she was looking up, wishing for air conditioning. As they made their way I was left crying alone in a darkened room with only my whiskey and a cigarette to comfort me. I sat in my tuxedo believing my invite had been lost in the mail. Now they are having a baby. Since neither I, nor Santa had an invite to the joyous occasion, the after parts, the consummation, and now the birth, we cut the cord. Naughty.

TS's Nice List:

Every little girl dreams of being a princess and having a royal wedding. Well, maybe not Janie Stevenson of Parkridge, Illinois. But then her dreams of being a dinosaur-vampire-slayer, is not without merit. Trouble is, it's the father who's left to foot the bill for the weddings of these girls. By televising this multi-million dollar affair, it provides fathers with a chance to nip their daughter's ambitions in the bud.

"Daddy, daddy! When I grow up, I want a wedding like that!"
"Oh, honey, that's sweet. But do I look like the queen of England? If I were you I'd start dreaming of a Vegas wedding and practicing the word 'elope.'"

For this gift to father-kind, I declare them Nice.

9. The Economy

Randy's Naughty List:

Since I was 16 I have worked in you, paid my dues and put up with your B.S. for years. I didn't complain when you took my job, I just got another one. When you decided I should pay a little more, I was upset but continued on like a good little soldier. That time in the copy room when you came in with your friends, Medicare, and that old guy. What's his name again? Oh right, Social Security. I remember you all came in and closed the door, pulled my pants down and... No, I'm not going cry again. Even than I told no one. I have played your game, but no more. When you told me that Tiny TS will have to go without dinner or even his Christmas iPhone 4s (refer to Steve Jobs) you crossed the line. Naughty!

TS's Nice List:

I know there's a lot of disparaging things that have been said about the economy. The unemployment rate... the housing market... And of course the ever increasing cost of living. But has anyone considered the gift the economy has given to the lazy man? Think about it. Previously, the lazy man, skipping out on work would be frowned upon. Now, he can shrug, point to the others legitimately unemployed and receive an understanding nod. Remember, the lazy man is a person too. Thank you economy for getting his back.

8. Charlie Sheen

Randy's Naughty List:

So you went a little crazy and thought you were "winning". Hey, that can happen. When you drunk a little "Tiger Blood," told off your boss and did some drugs, that was okay. We all have off days. But why couldn't you have said you were sorry and gone back to work? Two and a Half Men sucks now and that's your fault you mean, selfish man. You just... suck. For letting become Two and a Half sucks, you are losing. Naughty.

TS's Nice List:

I'm not going to pepper this with Sheen's now infamous phrases like Tiger Blood or Warlock. Except of course for there and there just now, duh... And there. What'd like to speak to though is Sheen's selflessness. When one is on a self destructive path, the natural instinct is to often hide it. Some celebrities can't escape their fame and every crazy thing they do is seen and heard, whether they want it to be or not. Charlie on the other hand, offered himself up as a spectacle for our enjoyment. It was like watching that Joaquin Phoenix mockumentary, only entertaining. So thank you Charlie. When it comes to the nice list, I say you really are winning.

...And there.

7. Casey Anthony

Randy's Naughty List:

I know that in the eyes of the law you are innocent. So as a decent person I won't say anything about how you killed your daughter. I will only go by all those naughty pictures that popped up on the web and in court showing what kind of a dirty girl you are. I am not going to bring up the fact that you killed your child as the courts have decreed you did not. We'll just put you on the list for the pictures and leave it at that, if you all know what I'm saying... Naughty.

TS's Nice List:

What is that laying on the ground in front of me? It appears to be a piece of wood of some making. I think -yes, yes it is. It's a pole. Wait, let me measure it. It looks to be about 10 feet long. But I don't trust it, so much as I like poking things, I'm not going to touch it.

...I think OJ was guilty.

6. Wilfred Brimley

Randy's Naughty List:

WTH? How are you yet alive another year? What kind of deal with the devil did you sign? You have had diabetes, Aids, cancers, and flues that only monkeys can get, yet somehow you've survived all these conditions by outliving them. back to hell with you and don't forget your oats!

TS's Nice List:

Wilfred Brimley is a celebrated actor, a champion for oatmeal, and a fighter of diabetes. This year however he has come to mean more to the world. This year, he's come to represent hope. For clearly his continued existence can only mean that he's discovered the secret to immortality. How else can you explain the fact that he's the last living veteran of the Civil War? Eat your oatmeal kids. If old uncle Brimley says it's good for you, he ain't just whistling Dixie. Though he has. During the Civil War.

That's it for part one. Be sure to check back tomorrow (maybe with a cup of nog?) for a conclusion guaranteed to knock your Christmas stockings off.

Deadliest-er Warrior: Wicked Witch of the West and Indiana Jones

2011-12-21T15:52:00.003-06:00

Heroes need villains—otherwise how would we know they were heroes? Just think, Clark Kent would have remained a dork, and never would have been able to show off his underwear in public. But villains don’t really need heroes, except that movies would be kind of dull without them. The Big Bad Wolf wouldn’t huff or puff—he’d just make himself a ham sandwich. Snore. So, movies always have both, and what I want to do is see what would happen if a hero from one movie faced a villain from a different movie. Would our universe still survive? Let’s see …

Indiana Jones crosses paths with The Wicked Witch of the West

In an undisclosed location, Indiana Jones is sauntering through (in a very Han Solo kind of way), when The Wicked Witch of the West comes strolling by (in a very Hermione/ Sabrina/ Ursula/ Crucible/ Maleficent/Eastwick kind of way). Their eyes meet, and then Indy notices that she is holding the ruby slippers. “Those,” he says with a surprising amount of zeal, “belong in a museum!”

“Funny,” she says, “that’s where I just stole them from.” She lets out a cackling laugh, but considering Jones is willing to take on an entire fascist totalitarian regime over stuff like this, WWW knows she’s in trouble. Jones pulls out his gun, and demands that she hand over the little glittery slippers, but she refuses and then breaks out into song. He aims and fires, but she disappears in a cloud of red smoke, just in time. Then “Poof!” she reappears somewhere else, he turns and fires, she poofs again, he fires, she poofs, repeat. Eventually Indy runs out of bullets. (His shoulder bag could contain extra bullets, but no one actually knows what’s in there.)

To get her to stop poofing, he points at the sky and yells, “House!” She jumps back in fear. Angry at being tricked, she points to the ground and yells, “Snake!” making him jump. That’s when she realizes Jones no longer has a long range weapon, so she starts throwing fire balls. Unfortunately she throws fire so slowly that Indy, little dogs, scarecrows, and even a turtle with a bum leg could get out of the way in time. This gives Indiana time to pull out his whip, wrap it around her broom, grab it, and hop on. Fortunately he is qualified to ride, drive, and fly any form of transportation in the universe. He swoops down and grabs the slippers out of WWW’s hands, but misjudges the landing (he’s not good at those), and crashes.

She’s had enough, and calls down her flying monkeys to attack him. He grabs his whip again, wraps it around a conveniently placed log on the ceiling, swings, lands, and the whip somehow untangles itself from the log immediately. Indy then runs behind a pillar, waits, and grabs the first monkey that comes by. He knocks it out with one punch, and then exchanges clothes with it. Then he comes out from behind the pillar wearing the flying monkey uniform, and for some reason no one can tell it’s him. This allows him to walk right up to the Witch and punch her too.

Lying on the ground, she fears he’ll finish her off. He, however, steps back to wait for her to get up, so he can punch her again. Instead, she pulls out her crystal ball, rubs it, and makes poison ivy grow all around him. (She would have grown poppies, but it looks like it might snow, so she switched gears.) As he starts scratching like crazy, she grabs her broom back. The Wicked Witch then flies in circles around him, with smoke streaming out of the back of her sky-writing broom, until Indy suffocates.

Status of the universe:

We’ve lost a hero, and our universe may be in trouble right now, but I think The Wicked Witch was partly right. It looks like we might be getting some precipitation, though it’s not snow. It’s rain. And she doesn’t have any rain gear. We’ll just have to hope it comes down in, um, buckets. Until next time, when we’ll make Hannibal Lecter and Scooby Doo cross paths.

~Reputation@Stake

Chipmunks, Sherlock Holmes, and Mission Impossible: Weekend Review

2011-12-15T17:06:00.005-06:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Alvin and the Chipmunks - Chipwrecked - *Errum* I still want a hula hoop.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Sherlock's pretty good. Almost Matlock quality.

Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol (IMAX, wide Dec. 21) - I almost fell asleep writing the title.

Seriously, Santa, where the heck is my hula hoop?!

So I finally broke down and watched 5 minutes of the first Alvin and the Chipmunks movie the other day. By 'broke down' I mean that I couldn't reach the controls and was busy playing a game. And by watched I mean that it was on in the background till I snapped out of my game playing reverie and uttered 'what the hell?' Yes I loved the cartoon as a kid. You throw colors and funny voices on screen and that's pretty much all it took for me to be entertained. So I'm not inherently against the movies. There is something I still don't get though. You've got some moderately real names in there like Christina Applegate, Amy Poehler, Justin Long; who are the voices of the Chipmunks and Chipettes. But given how the voices have to be tooled so that they sound, as they do, you can't tell that it's a celebrity at all. So why pay for a name that kids aren't going to know or care about? Are parents really going to be like "Well, I didn't want to see that movie, but oh look, it stars Anna Faris as a Chipette! I bet she delivers a breathtaking performance." I highly doubt it.

I seriously hate the Mission Impossible movies. I liked the first one when it came out. Saw it in theater, thought it was great. After that... garbage. I had actually determined not to watch the last one but they enlisted Simon Pegg, who I'd watch a pot not boil if he was in the movie adaptation. But it wasn't worth it to endure the convoluted plot (used loosely) and so so action sequences. And now, theoretically, this new one is supposed to have a slightly expanded Pegg role. Where do I draw the line? *Sigh* DVD it'll be. But I've certainly no intention of blowing my cash on it in theater. What would Tom Cruise do with my 10 bucks anyway? probably just pay some people in India to cheer when he walked out.

On the other side, the much more appealing option of Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows is also out. The first one was such an enjoyable blend of action and comedy that I was ready for the sequel before I'd even finished my first viewing. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. are a perfect pairing. Personally, I would rather they had waited another film for Moriarty, building him more in the background. But hey, I'm game for it either way.

Christmas is fast approaching. Time for eggnog and eating the days away in chocolate. What are you all doing to get in the mood this year?

Castaway On The Moon: Best Movies You Probably Haven't Seen

2011-12-09T16:32:00.001-06:00

In this column I've covered a few films from other countries, but I hadn't really crossed the line into a true foreign film. You know, the kind that have those words on the bottom because you have no clue what they're saying otherwise? Now you catch my drift. Today's entry is from South Korea. Let the subtitles roll.

Now Showing:

Castaway on the Moon (2009)
Kimssi pyoryugi (original title)

Written & Directed By: Hae-Jun Lee

Starring:

Min-heui Hong, So-yeon Jang and Jae-yeong Jeong

(Note: I'm not even going to pretend like I know Korean cinema well enough to tell you what else they've been in)

The Gist:

Castaway on the Moon tells the story of a man whose life is falling apart. His girlfriend has left him, he's in debt and a failure at business. Feeling that there's no way out he decides to kill himself by jumping off a bridge near the city. Instead of drowning though he ends up on a tiny island underneath the bridge. Unable to swim he finds himself stranded on the island. At the same time, a second story unfolds, about a young woman who's afraid to go outside, who discovers the man on the island and watches him through her camera from her apartment.

Why You Should Watch It:

While I won't deny there are some minor gross moments in the film, overall it's one of the sweetest and kookiest movies ever. It's a story of finding hope where there seems like there isn't any. And it's also extremely funny in places. Plus it's supposedly going to be remade here in the states by the same tool that did the Freaky Friday remake. Do yourself a favor and see this beautiful picture before any hint of an American remake can alter your view.

Why You Probably Haven't Seen It:

Do you watch a lot of Korean cinema? If you have, maybe you've seen it. I've watched some but never really connected with a Korean film like I have with this one.

Scene To Savor:

Um, the whole movie? No, that won't work, there are some short spots I don't care for, though generally the disgusting bits setup for more laughs later. I guess I would have to say the golf scene. It's just a great image.

Comments:

This one really caught me by surprise as I was told one thing about it and was expecting a completely different film than it was. It's hard really to even pin it down in a way as there are so many different facets at play. In addition to the great acting, the humor, the emotion, it's also beautifully shot. It's a film that quietly demands to be seen. If not for those few moments that are, kind of gross (though probably won't bother people who like Bear Grylls nearly as much) I would probably give it a perfect rating.

Overall on a scale of missed gems: 4.5 out of 5

Netflix: Streaming

The Sitter, New Year's Eve, and We Need to Talk About Kevin

2011-12-08T22:56:00.001-06:00

New Movie Releases Reviewed in 7 Words Each

Young Adult (limited, Wide Dec. 16) - Rated R? That title seems misleading somehow.

We Need to Talk About Kevin (limited) - Oh no, he didn't... eat my yogurt?

The Sitter - I thought Jonah Hill was skinny now?

New Year's Eve - Please tell me Memorial Day is next.

Hey, movies! How novel is that?

So obviously The Sitter must have been filmed prior to Jonah Hill's slim down. I realize having looked around, that's really the main story for the movie. I don't mean that's what the film is about, but it's certainly been about 50% of the discussion from what I've heard and read. But why should we focus on that when I feel there's a greater story to the film than that; like the fact that it looks like a crappy attempt at a Michael Cera-less Superbad sequel. For all intents and purposes it seems like a continuation of Hill's character from Superbad, but without the superior writing chops that were behind it. To be honest, I liked Hill at first. Thought he had some good comedic skill. But it also seems like having lost all that weight, he's found he can fit himself into more films and projects, and I'm starting to get that distaste for him that comes with over saturation. Remember Jonah, it doesn't matter how much you lose, how can I miss you if part of you still won't go away?

You remember Saw and how annoying that series was continuing on forever? How fantastic it was when it finally "ended". Those quotations are there because they're already talking about the inevitable return, but I digress. Here we are faced with the next wave in horror. Inane, holiday themed, romantic comedies. You wrote a horrible film for Valentine's Day? Can you do it again for New Year's? Sweet! If you thought you denoted a slight air of sarcasm in my enthusiasm, you wouldn't be wrong. Honestly, the best thing that could happen as far as I'm concerned would be for it to be a huge success. No, that time I was serious. I'd love for it to continue. Me all the while waiting for it to finally cross that threshold of presenting the greatest romantic comedy of all time: President's Day. People falling in love over the savings on furniture... it would be a tour de force.

Not all films out this week are wastes. At least 50% are decent, though unlikely to be playing near most of us.

We need to talk about Kevin. No seriously, let's. It's based on the book by Lionel Shriver about a school massacre, and the mother of Kevin (the kid who committed the murders) trying to come to terms with her son. I haven't read the book but I heard about the film awhile back when it first started getting rave reviews. Tilda Swinton is supposed to be amazing in it. I'm not a Swinton fan, but I'm willing to over look that it's her. I am a fan of John C. Reilly who co-stars in the film. Take a look at the trailer and see if it doesn't grab you:

All I can say is, it better put me through the emotional wringer it purports to provide.

Then there's Young Adult, a dark comedy featuring Charlize Theron, Patrick Wilson, and Patton Oswalt. I like Wilson and Oswalt (sounds like a baking company from the 1920's doesn't it?) and can enjoy Theron in the right role. Of course I realize that Diablo Cody had the immediate backlash after Juno was shown much love. But it's time to move past that. The film looks genuinely funny and, yes it's quickly becoming the theme of the post, dark. Once you throw into the mix that it's directed by Jason Reitman who also directed Thank You For Smoking, and Up in the Air, and I'm sold. Here's the trailer for you to judge for yourself:

That's good clean family fun right there. Okay, maybe not. But that does set me up for the final chapter in this post...

It was pointed out to me by one of my nephews that in last week's entry I didn't mention the fact that Shame was seeing a limited release. And given that I always bow to peer pressure (sorry Nora Eastman, that dress you wore in the 2nd grade actually was pretty and didn't look at all like a couch exploded on you) I figured I would put in a few words. The Steve McQueen directed film stars Michael Fassbender as a sex addict whose sister moves into his apartment with hilarious results. Okay, maybe not so much "hilarious". The film is rated NC-17 and unabashedly so. They didn't even consider trimming it down to attempt an R rating. I do respect a film that won't censor itself for the MPAA, an old dinosaur that should have been replaced long ago. Despite the rating, the film has had heaps of praise from just about every critic who's seen it. Course critics also have a habit of liking anything that's controversial just for that fact. Is it a good film? With the talent behind it, most likely. Is it deserving of the NC-17 rating? In this instance, there's a good chance it does. Am I going to ever reach a point? Your guess is as good as mine. Can you tell I forgot to edit this week? Probably so... Will Batman ever escape the clutches of the Joker? Tune in next week. Same Bat channel, same Bat time.

Oh, and am I the only one who it doesn't matter how many times you see NC-17, it seems like it should be a ship in Star Trek?

Have a great weekend everyone.