THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW

Of Wildfires and Obsidian

2012-07-05T12:02:00.001-07:00

Opening theme: Basket Case by Green Day

Lisa: Hello Everybody and welcome to another edition of...
The Northglenn Morning Show!
Please welcome your hosts Captain Sexy, The Black, and The Bear! We join them dead in our studio (Which coincidentally is in Doctor Bessner's Sanitarium). Dr. Bessner will not be joining us as he is... preoccupied?
Captain: Indeed, I always knew that doctor had a wild side!
Black: Somehow I don't think that's what he means, Thank you Lisa, So as we all know from the smell in the air...
Henry: *Walking by* mmm... Love the smell of burning mountain in the morning!
Bear: SHUT UP! That's my home you're talking about! ...or whats left of it... *Sob*
Black: The "wildfires" up in the mountains are still burning profusely, though some of the residents who were evacuated, are now being let back in such as those evacuated for the Flagstaff fire.
Captain: What do you mean with those quotation marks around wildfires?
Black: Well supposedly a good portion of the fires were the product of an arsonist who didn't think we had enough fire-so he lit a couple of his own.
Henry: *Handcuffed and being dragged down the hallway by police* I know this looks bad but it wasn't me! I had nothing to with those fires and Smith's summer cabin being burned down-well... actually that last one might be a lie.
Black: Then another one of the fires was recently admitted to be an out of control controlled burn.
Captain: I don't need to make any jokes about that one, it kinda speaks for itself.
Bear: IN other news in Hallandale, Florida A lifeguard was fired from his job for leaving his zone to go rescue a person who was drowning out of his zone.
Black So he was fired for doing his job?
Captain: I get fired all the time doing my job!
Black: Wrong kind of fired, that's getting fired up which I'm pretty sure is not unique to just your job captain.
Captain: Indeed.... a many a good night were had thanks to that, right sarge?
Cockn'balls: Most definitively sir!
Bear: Well here's the thing, his manager told him not to leave the zone...
Captain: And leave the person to die!?
Bear: Well... by the time the lifeguard got there the people nearby had already pulled said person out of the water.
Captain: Still... he was trying to save his life.
Black: I agree with you but I can also understand why he might have been fired, I mean he was supposed to be at his post, suppose while he was off helping in the wrong zone somebody else started drowning in his zone.
Captain: I can see what you mean.
Bear: I think we all need to relax and have some honey.... and I'm not sharing.
Black: In all actuality it probably should have been the lifeguard who was in the same zone as the drowning person who should have been fired.
Bear: You know this is why I don't go swimming in the ocean. First of all Bears are much better swimmers in rivers and shallow water, second I'm a stuffed bear so my fluff gets all soggy, third, honey, need I say more?
Black: Readers What's your opinion on this life guarding situation? Just comment below this post!
Lisa: Hey guys? I think Bessner's finally cracked up!
Bear: Why do you say that?
Lisa: I just went down stairs to seduce zan... er... I mean check on Zant, and I looked in the room next to him and Bessner has constructed a... large... rectangle out of large cubes of what looked like obsidian!
*Explosion erupts from basement causing the floor to fall out under them, The rectangle of obsidian is now visible with a purple semi-opaque wall in the center. Bessner is covered in ash.*
Bessner: My friends I have just opened a portal to the other side, to another world much like our own...
*Silence*
Bear: *Pulling down sunglasses* ....Mother of God.

Lisa: Tune in tomorrow to see what happens next!

A Peaceful Day at Bessner's Clinic

2012-06-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

Opening Song: Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer

Lisa: ...And just so you people know-Yes he is the same person who sang the "Elements" Song. Welcome To the NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW Today we join Doctor Bessner in his clinic as he operates! Please Welcome your hosts the Bear, the Black, and the Bessner.
Black: *not really paying attention* Thank you Lisa.
Bear: Today's news is that...
Patient: AHHHHHH!
Bessner: Nurse, give me a Scapel!
Bear: .... um... as I was saying, wild fires have been...
Patient: AH! My SPLEEN!
Black: ...Is that patient tied down!?
Bessner: God no!
Black: Okay Good I was just....
Bessner: He is strapped down! Tying patients down is for amateurs-we've even added these metal arm bands to make sure he doesn't get away.
Black: I feel like I should be appalled by this... but for some reason I'm not.
Bear: *Passes Honey to The Black* Here... you'll need it. As I was saying recently back in my home in the Rocky's, there have been some insane wildfires.
Black: Yeah I heard about that didn't it turn out that the Forest Service was behind it all?
Bear: It started out as a "Controlled Burn" which got out of hand and ended up creating some casualties.
Black: I don't mean to change the subject but... it appears that we're about to witness a casualty.
Bessner: Perfectly okay...
Black: That I changed the subject?
Bessner: No, that he dies-we have the technology-we can rebuild him
Nurse: We can make him faster...
Bessner: Stronger.... Say, Nurse how would you like to see how a truly German man spends his night?
Nurse: Mmm... Ja voll!
Patient: HELLO!? People I'm still here-for that matter should I really be awake right now!?
Bessner: No... but I CAN give you a sedative. *Prepares needle*
Patient: Wait... you know I just changed my mind!
Bessner: Oh? Are you sure you wouldn't like to be put under? I have something here guaranteed to knock you out....
Patient: I think I'll be o.... oh god I can see my stomach! Ew... that hamburger looks less delicious now...
Bessner: I'll take that as a definite yes on the injection! I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!
Black: ...He REALLY gets into his injections.
Bear: Give me the honey... Moving on.... Everybody has heard of this new food mix-mash but is it really that good? The new Taco Bell Locos Doritos Taco, We're bringing in John Smith as he is one of the people here on the show who has tried this combination.
Smith: Thank you Bear.
Bear: So what did you think?
Smith: Well, I found that that is was slightly a disappointment-because when you think of the combination you get this mental image of this pure and utter.... Awesomeness. Then you bite into it and... well its exactly what it is Taco Bell inside of Doritos. Don't get me wrong, it is delicious, and better than the normal Taco Bell taco, just for some reason I expected a lot more. plus the only area where you can really honestly tell a difference is that top of the taco where the filling doesn't reach.
Bear: Thank you smith, would you recommend this to anyone else?
Smith: Yes, Its definitely delicious. I would recommend this to everyone except Henry Ward.
Bear: Why?
Smith: Now that I've said I like it-Henry will probably make it his life's mission to either eat one and completely contradict me or he will immediately decide that since I like it he won't.
Bear: So Dear readers please tell us what you think of these Doritos Tacos in the comments below this post, and we'll review the comments and put some of them in our next Show!
Black: So Bessner What exactly are you doing in this operation?
Bessner: Very good question!
Black: The answer?
Bessner: If I remember right.... Either a brain and heart transplant (or removal)... plastic surgery or....
Nurse: Mummification?
Bessner: RIGHT, If its not one of those then I have no idea.
Black and Bear: Uhh.... *Quietly leaves*

Book Review: Screwtape letters

2012-05-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

My Dear Readers,
A book written with expert brilliance, the Screwtape Letters are able to combine creativity as well as christian beliefs. From the moment you pick up the book you knew it was going to catch your attention for a while-I mean who wouldn't want to read the conversations of devils? The Screwtape Letters exemplify C.S. Lewis's Christian books-though not in the metaphorical sense that Narnia brought us-because this book gives the reader a sort of watchful eye for methods we as humans are led into more corrupt ways. C.S. Lewis also made it an interesting book even for the non-Christian, as he picks up the persona of a Devil by the name of Screwtape who frustratingly writes to the foolish devil he calls his nephew, Wormwood. If you're one of us that loves not just a good villain but a fantastic villain, you'll enjoy this book. Screwtape isn't the dumb kind of evil you see in the movies-giving his plans away to the hero just before it matters most, Screwtape is the awesome, intelligent evil that you know at least thought the whole thing through. This villain also un-noticeably becomes a nightmare even for you, as his methods involve the greatest covert actions-he could be working on you right now and you wouldn't know it. We here at the Northglenn Morning Show love a good book, and this is one we'd recommend-as our own Executive writer Austin Ketchel remarks it as among his favorite books-to any audience, but most particularly Christians and fellow villain lovers.

We give this book 93 Pancakes out 100
Your Affectionate Morning Show
The Northglenn Morning Show

Henry Report 5/10/2012

2012-05-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

Lisa: Welcome to another episode of the HENRY report otherwise known as Henry's RAGE QUIT! For those of you just joining us HENRY stands for: the Helpful Excessively Narcissistic Royal Bank.
Henry: Going with the topic of yesterday's Rage Quit... this week and the next contain the AP Testing and therefore are the topic of our RAGE QUITs. If you feel the same about the AP Tests in our hatred of them-please post your complaints either in the comments of this post or on our RAGE QUIT page on facebook.
Lisa: Also.... John Smith will not be joining us today-in his place please welcome Dr. Bessner onto the show!
Bessner: Danke, Lisa, Danke.
Henry: You know what I HATE about the AP Test!?
Bessner: What?
Henry: You spend the whole (Bleeped out by the editor) year, learnin' this CRAP and then you see the test.... AND NOTHING YOU LEARNED IN THE CLASS IS ON THE (Bleeped out by the editor) TEST!!!!!
Bessner: Nein, no, you don't know ze half of it!
Henry: OH!?
Bessner: I write these testz and ze STUPID TEACHERS TEACH YOU ZOME CRAP ABOUT FOUR WHEEL OFF ROAD VEHICLES!!!!
Henry: OH OH, don't forget that after the test you feel like you WASTED your time taking a class that didn't teach you crap! You feel like absolute CRAP afterwards!
Bessner: (Shelby Henry? This ones for you) Don't even get me started on reading those essays which seem to have been written in egyptian-ze hand writing is THAT bad!
Henry: Plus if you have the morning session-you have to wake up at the fricken crack o' dawn!
Bessner: I have to spend hours reading your B.S. essay! I'd rather read Kafka!
Henry: AND THE WORST PART!? YOU HAVE TO PAY 85 (Bleeped out by the editor) DOLLARS FOR THIS STUPID TEST!
(Henry and Bessner stand up Ripping the cushions off the sofa they were sitting on, they rip it up in their bare hands. Henry grabs an Xbox 360 and throws it out the window, grabs a crowbar and jumps out himself. Bessner, revs up a chainsaw and starts cutting through everything else still in tact in the room, ripping his clothes off in Incredible Hulk fashion.)
Lisa: .... uhh... We'll get back to you.... umm... ooooh that cannot be good for that piano....

HENRY REPORT 5/9/2012

2012-05-09T15:46:00.001-07:00

Lisa: WELCOME TO THIS WEEK'S HENRY REPORT (Henry's Rage Quit)! For those of you just now joining us HENRY stands for: Hairy Evasive Norwich Rum Yodelers.
Henry: *Grumbling* ...Stupid AP Calculus Test...
Smith: Oh, yes you had the AP Calculus Test today didn't you? How'd that go?
Henry: Well it'd be like if you took Nam.... threw some south Korea in for flavor, soaked it in wood alcohol, peppered it with arsenic-basting it with Cyanide of course and steamed it with Mustard Gas.
Smith: Sounds...-*Under his breath* ...Like Stanley's breath, ER I mean heavenly! Henry you should have been a cook, have I ever told you that?
Henry: ...And you should have been a mormon!
Crowd in the hallway: AMEN!
Lisa: HEY! Me and my father are Mormon!
Henry: And?
Lisa: That stereotype is not true, that was an old part of our history!
Henry: I'll make you a deal: if you can get this deaf British idiot off my show I'll correct my statement!
Smith: Say what?
Henry: ...Or you can go on a date with me-that's also acceptable payment.
Smith: Henry! I didn't know you'd come out of the closet!
Henry: I'm not gay smith!
Smith: Exactly, you came out of the closet about not being gay!

-the following portion of the show has been cut due to excessive arrows to the knee-

-the previous editor was sacked for excessive skyrim jokes-

-the previous editor was sacked for his excessive use of Monty Python and the Holy grail jokes-

-the manager of the Northglenn Morning Show was sacked for technically being the editor who made the Holy Grail jokes and the Skyrim jokes-

-The excessive writer of this excessive show was excessively sacked for excessively excessive use of the excessively excessive word excessive, a new editor has been chosen-

-Pancakes-

Henry: Today's rage subject is AP tests!
Smith: God, I hate those things!
Henry: Me too!
Bessner: *Walking by* I write those things!
Henry: *AHEM* I shall go first... WHY THE (Bleeped out by the editor) DO THEY HAVE SO MANY (bleeped out by the editor) SAFETY PROTOCOLS ITS NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO STEAL THE (Bleeped out by the editor) ANSWERS! I MEAN WHO THE (bleeped out by the editor) IS DUMB ENOUGH TO STEAL THEM AND INVALIDATE THEIR TEST!? AND WHO KEEPS BLEEPING OUT EVERY TIME I SAY "WAFFLES"!?
Smith: I know exactly what you mean they're such idiots!
Henry: ...Get Doctor Bessner-I must be coming down with someone if I just agreed with... that man. Hey anyone know where my cell phone went to? I think I left it in the testing center.
Smith: Oh by the way, did you read the text I sent you during the test?
Henry: ...uh... no.
Smith: I got a hold of the answer sheet and texted you all the answers!
Henry: ...
Smith: I'll take that as a "thank you" now let me post them on our website!

Henry: ...
(AP Representative barges into studio)
AP Rep: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HENRY WARD!
Henry: HIM! *Points to the British man*
Smith: What? Henry you're horrible! Especially after I sent you the answers!
AP Rep: Henry Ward? When we saw you got a five on the test we were suspicious-it was you- but when we found your cell phone-our suspicions were confirmed. You're a rotten cheater! Your test is INVALIDATED. Good day!
Henry: Smith... SAY YOUR PRAYERS BOY! IT WON'T DO YOU NO GOOD THOUGH, GOD AIN'T GONNA FORGIVE A SINNER AS BAD AS YOU!
Father Malachi: *popping up* A-MEN! *Grabs Smith*
Smith: Wait no... HENRY NO!!!!!!

4/20 SHOW (AGAIN!)

2012-04-20T19:44:00.003-07:00

Lisa:aaannnnd Go with the theme song.

Smoke a little smoke by Eric church(This is not owned by us we just thought it went with the theme of today, no need to get all uptight about it. If our use offends you in anyway then only one question need be asked...You Mad Bro?)

Lisa:Heeellllo ladies and Gentlemen,and welcome to the second annual Northglenn Morning Show 4/20 episode!!
Now heres your speacial hosts Stymie Movaphucking Downs (with a Ph), Doctor Bessnerand who could you forget that adorable hunk of a man Za- cough cough....heheh whoops feeling a bit whoozy...wow this stuff really does the trick..wha? Oh! Heres Zant!

Stymie:thank you for that lovely intro Lisa now uh where were we ummm..... wow she wasnt kidding this stuff is reaaallly goood hahahaehhehe...heh um Oh hey everybody welcome to a great addition to the Northglenn whoring show.

Zant:morning show

Stymie:thats what i said Whoring Shoe

Zant:no you said whoring show

Stymie:WHy Zant! why would you say a thing like that! our listeners depend on us on good clean family content and here you are talking about Dirty.....sweaty....Whores...hmmm.

Zant:Pancakes!

Stymie:Huh?! Oh hey Zant didnt even see you there howve you been?

Zant:Quite well actually,the reports from the Belgian front are proving to be quite sa

Stymie: You know what else is satisfying?

Zant:Pancakes baked to a golden crisp with a syrupy finish?

Stymie: No my(bleeped out by the editor)

Bessner: I do not think that wvould be very satisfying at all meine fruende

Stymie:what do you know you german....Bessner What the (bleeped out by the Editor) are you wearing?!

Bessner:What? its just my old uniform

Stymie:What the (bleep) is wrong with you?! thats a Nazi (bleepity) Uniform

Bessner:Its the the Fuhrers Birthday

Stymie:again what the Hell is wrong with you?!

Pikel:OOOH!! I LOVE BIRTHDAYS WILLTHEREBEWAFFLESWILLTHEREBEWAFFLESWILLTHEREBEWAFFLES!?!?!

Zant:(takes out giant sword and slices Pikel in Half) DIE DEVIL SPAWN!

Pikel:Daddy you know that doesent work on me

Zant:DAMN YOU AND YOUR BELGIAN WHORE SEDUCTRUSS OF A MOTHER!

Pikel:Mommy always said you had a (Bleep bleep bleep!!!!) for BElgian woman

(Stymie and Bessner stare wide Eyed at Zant)

Zant:W-What?!!

Stymie: I....cant believe all this time, you actually (Bleep Bleep Bleep, Bleep Bleep Bleepity BLEEP!)

Bessner:Watch your language Mr.Downs

Zant:im going to go smoke a pancake

Styime:and what about you its 4/20 2012 and instead of out there getting stonned and having a ball like the rest of us, your sitting in here dressed up like a goosestepping moron for the Birthday of an (Bleep) who died 70 years ago, oh and did i mention you have a stick up your butt?

Bessner: I do not!

Pikel:Actually mister Bessner

Bessner:what is it?

Pikel: there is a stick pocking out of your butt

(Bessner glances back and low and a behold there was a six and a half foot pole coming out of the rear end of his trousers)

Zant:(comes back with a smoking pancake on a skillet (yeah you thought he was actually going to smoke a pancake, admit it...bunch of Bleeping bleepers) What did i miss?

Bessner:MOTHER F-
fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(meanwhile in the Control studio)

Henry:What the hell is going on in there? why arent we getting any audio?
(Smith sits at a computer feriously typying away)
Smith: I dont know thats what im trying to figure out

Henry:Hurry up you British phuck

Smith:Henry!

Henry: hey i said it with a PH

Smith:Youve been spending way to much time with captain sexy.....Darn if only Nikki were here hes the computer savy one

Henry:what? since when has he been an authority on tech, i though he dealed in apples

Smith:well its an apple computer...their the same thing right?

Henry:....I dont even know if i should be the suprised..just get the Dam thing Running

Smith:Okay I think I....Got it! now stop cursing!

Henry: I said D A M no N on it

Smith:your unbelieavable...huh whats this...it appears that..oh my

Henry:what?

Smith:it appears as if the reccording room is filled with smoke and they are all......Naked?!

Henry:wait...why is Lisa in there!?!?!

(back in recording studio)

Stymie:YEEEEHAAAAAA That is some GOOOOOOOOOD stuff!!!!

Bessner:I am...heheh..inclined to agree

Zant:Whoah like...so many Pancakes man, their everywhere

Pikel:hhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehaehaehaehahehahaahahahahahahaha

Lisa:hehe well thanks for joining us folks hehehe hope you have a wonderful 4/20..and where out..now Zant get that sweet (bleep bleep bleep) Over Here!

(Minutes later reading the Morning Show)
Dictator Brown: AHHHHHH MY DAUGHTER! I've just about had it with you NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW PEOPLE! Time to throw a litte..... Waffle... Their way...

DUN DUN DUN!

NMS - 4/4/2012

2012-04-04T17:41:00.001-07:00

Lisa (Narrator): Gooooood Morning Internet! after a brief sojurn in the Drunk tank and prisons abroad we are back and ready for action! Thats right ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to the Northglenn Morning Show!! Now heres your host, that loveable if but slightly pyschotic bear who is joining us all the way from the Hundred acre woods state pennitantry its Winnie the Pooh!

Pooh: Hello everyone its great to be back, and im not just saying that because if i dont do this than ill be sent back to prison. allow me to introduce my partners in crime and my fellow hosts, Nikki the Black and Dr.William Bessner.

Nikki: Good day to you

Pooh: well ladies and gentlemen we do owe you all a big apologie, you see the reason we havent posted in months is...

Bessner:Wait Pooh, do you: think it would be wise to tell them about...that?

Nikki:Our german friend does have a point mabye we should just move on to a different subject besides were sworn to secrecy by Brown.

Pooh: yeah You guys are right, so moving right along lets take a look at todays news, Bessener?

Bessener:vell...Romney ist blamming Obama the state of the Economy.

Pooh:oh youve got to be kidding

Bessner: no im afraid not, Romney will do anything to get the republican nommination, come to think of it so would Obama if he was in the same situation. Honestly politicians are very horrid.

Nikki: you're telling me, seriously think back to SOPA earlier this year and then the NDAA last year, both of which are clearly infringing on our rights.what do you think pooh?

Pooh: ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bessener: Pooh?

Pooh:zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ

Nikki:POOH!!!!

Pooh:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Nikki: Oh Come on!

Bessner: try slapping him

(Nikki stands and slaps pooh across the face

Pooh:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Bessner: Mein Gott, (under his breath says) ...looks like I may have given him a little too much chloroform... (In normal voice pretending he did not say that) well while we attempt to wake pooh up from his most definitively non-chloroform induced coma.... (Cough cough) enjoy this special announcement from our Rage Group: THE HENRY REPORT.

Lisa (Narrator): HELLO and welcome to the HENRY report, where we rant about the horrible parts of daily life... however it seems everything eventually just comes back to the British. For our new viewers, HENRY stands for Hydrogenous Evangelical Noobs Raping Yo-yos.

Henry: Hello, my name is Henry Ward
Smith: I am john Smith!
Henry: ..And we're here to share some discrepancies about a certain feature film that has recently defiled our theaters....Titanic 3D
Smith: What?! but I love titanic
Henry: I...I never thought id see the day that i would..agree with you dirt bag.
Smith:then what are you so angry about?

Henry:...Smith i wear Glasses in fact many people wear glasses, do you realize how FUCKING ANNOYING IT IS TO PUT GLASSES OVER YOUR GLASSES? ITS UNCOMFORTABLE IT IRRITATES OUR EYES AND MOST OF ALL THE LAST THREE TIMES IVE GONE TO A MOVIE THEATER THEIRS ALWAYS A GUY WITH (Bleeped out by the editor) AND HIS (Bleeped out by the editor) HANGING OUT AND THEN THE GIRL NEXT TO HIM IS SOMEHOW MANAGING TO TALK ON HER PHONE AND SURF THE WEB AT THE SAME TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TELLING EVERYONE TO SHUT OFF THEIR GOD-(Bleeped out by the editor) PHONES AND THEN

Smith: one sec i got a text ooh and and email!
Henry: ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!! COME HERE YOUR SLIMY BRITISH (Bleeped out by the editor) !!!!!!!!!!!

Pooh: ...And we're back

Nikki: Henry scares me when he gets that angry!

Pooh: Just dont ask him about QWOP and youll be fine.

Motivational Poster

2011-11-22T15:16:00.001-08:00

Do A Barrel Roll

2011-11-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

Do a Barrel Roll

A Short Story by T. L. Brown

Suddenly Byron Austin Ketchel fell from the roof landing on poor Nikki the Black who was reading a 483769 page analyses of Lord of the Rings. Nikki had been on the very last page just about to find out what the ring represented when… BLAM Byron fell on his face.

“Why hello you un-fluffy pancake man! Byron began.

“Byron, have you been hanging around Zant?” Nikki muttered getting up, “…and why so happy today?”

“Well I’ve found a use for my assassin’s blades!” he blurted.

“Wha…” Nikki began. Suddenly he found a poisoned blade in his back, “Aw… lemons…”

From the confines of his pocket Byron pulled a list from his pocket, “Zant and Nikki down… Now where’s that piece of trash German Doctor Bes…”

Instantly a hand grabbed his neck and threw him into a brick wall. “By German Doctor did you mean me?” a German sounding voice questioned him.

“I meant…”

“Van Helsing!?” Van Helsing inserted.

“You’re not even German you’re Dutc…”

“Byron, you’ll be fighting against god if you intend to kill me!”

“YOU’RE NOT GERM…”

“AND, you’ll be fighting my army of ghosts,” commented Strider floating down in his hot air balloon.

“Wait, why are you defending this Dutchman!?” Byron blurted.

“Flying Dutchman’s from Pirates of the Caribbean, my friend, not Lord of the Rings,” Van Helsing explained.

Adding two more names to his list Byron stammered, “What do you people want with me…?”

“We’ve had report of two Twilight class Nosferatu, in the Northglenn High School auditorium,” Van Helsing explained searching through the yellowing pages of his notebook.

“I do not believe it! I will not!” Strider blurted.

“You’re telling me, even you didn’t know what we were facing?”

“Good god, people calm down. I’ve dealt with these things before-terrible infestation in Seattle, good thing I was there to “sterilize” the infestation. Let’s see here, last time I wrote, “Relatively immortal, rules of normal Vampiren do not apply in their case.””

“So you’re saying we have no chance of success.” Byron muttered. A slow moment of silence crept between the men.

“Doctor, do you think Andúril could damage them?” Strider asked.

“Andri… what?”

“Strider’s sword, Andúril -the sword that was broken…” Van Helsing stated.

“…and reforged,” Strider continued, “In my previous travels it has seemed to have great power over the dead…”

“Hmm…” Van Helsing’s feet scuffed pacing the pavement, “I will, as for now say that Andúril may prove… useful against forces such as these.”

“Well you said, last time that you “Sterilized” the infestation- is it possible we could use the same techniques?”

“Possible, but too dangerous, in my previous encounter the vampiren were “vegetarian” which meant I could utilize their prey as a poison.”

“I’m sure Henry would be happy to let us use Smith…” Byron began.

“Nein, Smith is known for a substantial love of fresh garlic.”

“I thought you said these “vampires” weren’t bothered by the same things as normal vampires…” Byron commented.

“Nothing to do with vampires, smith just has really bad garlic breath. No vampire in their right mind would draw the blood of someone with such horrendous breath.”

“I’m the one with the sword… we need the doctor… so that means…” Strider began.

“Let me repeat that you two are as good as dead when I get out of these ropes!” Byron yelled into the empty darkness of the auditorium.

The auditorium held a kind of peace in its darkness, the only light emanating from the spotlight which had been left on Byron’s position. The only sound from the creaking of the apron which Byron was sitting on… and occasionally the shifting of school around him, Byron could only see the motes in the light of the spotlight glistening in its brilliance.

“Mr. Ketchel…” A shadowed voice echoed from somewhere in the auditorum-in the contrast Byron could not see where. “Do you see what friends mean in such a world? They have left you to die in my darkness.” A figure, shimmering in sparkles, stepped into the spot light. Something in Byron started-something he was not used to- humor.

He let out a laugh the likes of which the world has never seen (well maybe it has seen but for the sake of over dramatization). “Narrator shut up.” Byron continued to laugh and abruptly stopped. “YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN, YOU PANSY?” Byron immediately bust from the ropes muttering, “Why didn’t I do this earlier?” A blade sprung, hidden in his sleeve. Stabbing the Vampire with his assassin’s blade, he laughed a horrid cackle.

Van Helsing ran from the wing, “What poison did you use!?”

“Hydrogen Cyanide… why?”

“Wondering if you used the right poison, I hope you don’t mind that we poured that all over your body.”

“…so that’s what it was…”

A scream shot out from the wing, “TWO MORE.” The voice was that of Strider, firm and crisp. “ RAHHH!!! Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!”

“That was a strange thing to say…”

“Doctor!” Strider ran out, “I believe Andúril worked-considering they burst into a cloud of sparkles!”

“Sparkles… I hate Sparkles…” Byron muttered.

Vampire Problems

2011-10-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

Joaquin: Though its hard for me to believe there can be anything as foul as poor dancing.... THE HUNT IS ON!
Evidence of Twilight-class Vampiren has been discovered under the stage of the Northglenn High School.
Mercutio: Bitter evidence it was
Glitter on the black floor
Almost as bad as a stage door!
Carnes: Oh (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), that's almost as bad as someone touching my daughter!
Joaquin: Not even close to bad dancing.
Carnes: ...Theres someone I want you to meet *Cocks shotgun* unless you want to take that back.
Joaquin: *Pulls out Taser* Right.
Mercutio: If you see these horrors
Be not fearful the core
see now Austin or Nikki!

THE SHOW OCTOBER 22

2011-10-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

THE SHOW: October 22, 2011

*Please note that "Tink's Rescue Part 1" or the latter half of this show is incomplete, "Mobile Army Injection" or the first part however is complete at this time*

Smith: For lack of another narrator, I shall be narrating today. We’re broadcasting today from a M*A*S*H Unit in Southern Russia. Where Brown forces and the pastry army are somewhat at a standstill-we use standstill lightly since in this area casualties are as common as snow in the mountains. Approximately every twelve hours more casualties-men and women, are trucked and flown in, explosions echo in the distance in this forgotten area. Here Dr. Bessner, Father Van Helsing and Father Malachi have been stationed all together.

About twenty-four hours ago Link revealed the ghastly darkness of a new weapon the other side has developed, a bio-warfare weapon, the likes of which have never been seen. These bullets developed by Zant Ishmael Pfannkuchen have the capability not merely to kill their victim, but to cause a morbid transformation in the person to a mindless brain devouring… undead, or a zombie. However, upon recovering this vital information Link was caught and is now believed to be being held in a bunker in Siberia, so a team, consisting of Soldier #1, Captain Sexy, Sarge and Nikki the Black have been sent to rescue our dear friend. The rest of us, arrived yesterday at this dung heap they call a M*A*S*H* unit.

Bessner: *In the distance* I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!

Malachi: *Also at a distance* You German quack! I should have killed you the day I laid eyes on your heretical face!

Van Helsing: *Also in the distance* Now… Now boys I’m trying to operate.

Henry: I wish those three would quit their yappin’! I’m trying to get some sleep...

Smith: Let us also say that the hours here are irregular, it is currently four o’ clock in the morning.

Henry: Smith?

Smith: What?

Henry: Shut up.

Bessner: *Walking in* Sorry for ze delay my friends, but I’m ready to reveal my results regarding my good friend Zant’s weapon.

Pooh: Take your time doctor, I might just have to stay here for the rest of the war… they have so much honey here for medical use its absolutely beautiful!

Henry: What in MacArthur’s name is a M*A*S*H* unit doing with honey for medical use!?

Bessner: …I could explain but, it would disturb all but the most physically strong of mind.

Smith: Anyway Bessner, what did you find?

Henry: Smith? No one wants to hear your voice, so SHUT UP!

Bessner: Well, let me begin by explaining something, when Zant created this abomination, he focused most of his efforts on decreasing higher level brain functions, so when he made it to cause “Libum-mania” or an obsession of pancakes, the ill-functioning brain interprets the pancakes to be brains of any and all kinds, the victim’s vocabulary also appears to revert down to approximately two words… Brains and Waffles.

Henry: Uh… I have no idea what you just said.

Smith: Basically…

Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) it, Smith! I’m giving you till the count of waffle to shut up, before I… EAT YOUR BRAINS… uh… that was weird.

Bessner: …Zis is not good… Henry, were you by any chance… shot?

Pooh: Don’t worry about him, just give him his vodka and he’ll be alright.

Henry: Well… I was getting ready to reduce Smith here down to one arm with my gun when this really weird creature appeared, I couldn’t see much of it, cause it was night but it laid a good hit on my right arm with some sort of knife, and then it ran away.

Van Helsing: *Bursting in* Cousin, one of your patients escaped-killing a nurse in the process?

Bessner: Which nurse?

Van Helsing: The one with the blue eyes.

Bessner: The blonde one? Her death is not important, terrible nurse didn’t know a pair of incisors from a scalpel.

Van Helsing: Nein, it was the brunette.

Bessner: WHAT!? Ah, not the brunette! My beautiful…

Pooh: Bessner!? I didn’t know you were so interested in the ladies!

Bessner: …experiment!

Pooh: …Just focus on the honey… just focus on the honey…

Van Helsing: The strange part is she was killed in a stange fashion resembling that of the blade a wild animal would use… and she’s beginning to turn into another one of the… pancake zombies.

Bessner: Did you try what you do best?

Van Helsing: Malachi’s preparing her for staking as we speak.

Bessner: Good, good… that leads me to my next discovery!

Pooh: Stronger honey?

Bessner: Zant’s weapon also causes increased evolutionary speed… meaning these “Zombies” Can develop new attributes, such as additional appendages within minutes.

Pooh: Well thanks for the information Bessner can you cure it though?

Bessner: …

Van Helsing: My Children…you’re… not going to like this…

Henry: Children!? What you mean you WAFFLE LOVER!

Bessner: Well… “Cure” is a very… subjective term.

Henry: BRAINS!

Bessner: the only way to do so is to… well… perfect Zant’s idea and turn the victim into a pancake fiend…

Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) IT, BESSNER! NOT AGAIN!

Smith: Again?

Henry: There was this time back in Nam’ when this…

Bessner: *Talking to Pooh* However, my cousin here, Van Helsing can reverse the effects, correct?

Van Helsing: Yes, Zants methods resemble those used by Vampires. The reversal treatment requires the eating of a certain herb… Garlic.

Pooh: …How much?

Van Helsing: …twelve boxes full…

Pooh: I think I’ll be staying away from Henry for a couple years…

Bessner: Why is that?

Pooh: That’s how long it’ll take the garlic breath to fade away.

Van Helsing: Well… I was not being as honest as I should have been… I can only reverse it if he’s not too far along...

Pooh: *Looks over to Henry who is not gnawing on Smith’s head* …and if hes too far along?

Van Helsing: Being related to vampires he will turn into one of them, at which point we will have to destroy him… in the same method as the Vampire-STAKE TO ZE HEART!

Which fate will befall Henry? Garlic breath, the likes of which even Qui-Gon has not seen, or the fate of all Van Helsing’s enemies, of which Van Helsing seems only too happy to administer?

Smith: If you were wondering dear reader, how the rescue mission to save link is going-eat a bagel my friend!

Still here? *Sigh* Very well then I suppose we shall check in on them…

THE N*M*S

THE RESCUE OF LINK KOKIRI (PART 1)

*A non descript Black helicopter over northern Russia, Captain sexy, Sarge, Soldier 1, Nikki and Byron sit in the line of seats along the back of the Copter fondly known by Brown soldiers as “THE blood Trough” As Stymie Downs and the Narrator Pilot the Chopper.*

Byron: I didn’t realize you knew how to fly Downs

Stymie: well the thing is Bo…..I don’t

Nikki: What!!??! Then how come your in the pilot’s seat?

Stymie: Well you see Bo the Narrator here knows how to Fly this tin can and Brown Drafted me to give him proper Emotional and motivational Support.

Narrator: Support? You call holding a Mark IV Cucco launcher to my head and threatening my family and household pets Emotional and Motivational Support, My Foot!

Stymie: Details Details

Nikki: wait come to think of it why are you here Byron?

Byron: well Brown wanted the group split in to two half’s and he determined with my training and the fact that he can blackmail me with mead. He determined that I was the best candidate to join your group.

Nikki:…..wha-

Captain: okay Listen up men today we are dropping behind enemy lines and then we are going to insert ourselves into the enimies darkest hol-

Nikki: wait a minute that the hell put you in charge?

Sarge: if I may intervene, the captain is in charge because he outranks you and because brown stuck sticky notes with our instructions on various parts of his body

Nikki: oh well umm…continue’

Captain: as I was saying we must insert ourselves into the enemies’ darkest hold which they call the Slab of Bacon prison

Soldier 1: mmm bacon

Byron: Delicious greasy Bacon

Stymie: with a side of eggs and Hash

Sarge: Tea lots of Tea

Narrator: and Chicken

Nikki: and apple pie

Captain: don’t forget Coffee with Lots of Cream

Stymie: So okay it’s pretty obvious that we all ignored Browns advice and skipped Breakfast this morning before we left.

Narrator: ok guys so were coming up on the pastry territory things might get bumpy from here on in-Holy (BLEEPED OUT BY EDITOR)! Jesus Christ on Stilts!!

Nikki: what in the name of apple cinnamon oatmeal was that?

Byron: well it would appear that the Pastry army has begun to well Shooting AA rounds at us but its not like anything I’ve ever seen it appears the rounds are made completely out of White-

Captain: Cream Incoming!!!

*Helicopter banks left to avoid a AA round the characters in the back end up onto of one another , all except soldier one*

Nikki: are you kidding me the idiot is the only one who remembered to Buckle his Lemony Seatbelt?!!

THE SHOW 10/16/2011: Wartime for Brown and Germany AND What not to do with a vampire Weekly recap

2011-10-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

Opening theme: Spring time for Hitler from "the Producers"

Soldier #1: you're sure you want me to read this?

Pooh: Yes, for the last time, yes!

Soldier #1: Okay... umm... "We'd like to welcome you to the *Spelling it out* N...arthgleeeen Mouring shouu? With your hoses" um er... "Crapbear?"

Pooh: This wars bad enough without you saying my name wrong!

Soldier #1: Sorry Sargent Bear... Its against my religion to say... um..."

Pooh: Poohbear? Really!? What religion are you!? Soldier!?

Soldier #1: I belong to the church of of Dr. Lindi...

Pooh: Heard enough of that religion... Continue

Soldier #1: *Reading again* Crapbear, John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)

Smith: I resent that!

Pooh: Wait soldier your religion doesn't let you say poohbear but you can say the "S" Word!?

Soldier: Whats wrong with "(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)"

Pooh: ...Nevermind I don't think I want to know... Continue...

Soldier #1: *Reading again* John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), and Nikki the black...

Pooh and Smith: You get his name right!?

Nikki: Well of course! How in the world could you mess with Nikki the Black!? continue soldier!

Soldier #1: *Opens his mouth* ...um... what this word?

Pooh: *Sighs* "due"

Soldier #3: *Growling* HERE GIVE ME THAT, YOU DUMB FOOL! "Due to the fact that the narrator is such a coward he wasn't willing to join us in the war this soldier who is a piece of cra..."

*Cut off by death by bullet*

Smith: *Sighs* We are currently broadcasting live from a Bunker in Bavaria, Germany, where those bloody pastries are blasting blurts of cream all over the bunker, Brown has been able to sufficiently fight back the pastries for over twenty hours, so far it looks like a victory for Dictator Brown-which isn't too surprising seeing how much the Germans love eating their pastries.

Captain Sexy: *Appearing out of no where* What was that about cream!?

Soldier #1: Well, captain, the enemy, who we've come to call the blond demon has been laying her cream all over us!

Captain Sexy: Well now maybe this war isn't too bad! I've got to get in on some of this creaming!

Smith: Oh Gall...

Pooh: Blond Demon?

Sarge: *Also appearing out of no where* She's a demon, that she is-no match for the captain's cream, but a demon nonetheless.

Soldier #2: Aye laddy, she's taken out our artillery single handedly, only armed with the drill in er' hand.

Smith: Her pastry army on the other hand...

Sarge: Dumb as a doornail!

Soldier #2: AYE! And the best part? they say she disassembled the artillery... NAKED!

*Silence throughout*

Smith: …And I thought this war was full of indecent people, I can tell how much that disgusts you all!

All except Smith and soldier #1: YOU KIDDING!? WE'RE JUST GLAD TO IMAGINE SUCH A THING!!!

Soldier #1: ..um... guys what does a girl look like naked?

Smith: *Growling* Don't you corrupt this innocent soul!

Dictator Brown: *Walking in* Enough fun and games...

All (including Soldier #3): YOU!

Dictator Brown: ...What?

Pooh: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) you Brown! What is with drafting us!? (Especially the rule limiting honey consumption!)

Nikki: ...I actually don't mind that much I was going to kick some lemon warlock butt anyway.

Smith: Is no one else scared by the fact that soldier #3, who is dead just spoke?

Captain Sexy: Why did you take me away from my boat, you fine, fine man?

Brown: Well... lets put it this way which would you rather have ruling you that demonic pastry leading demon out there, or the well dressed intelligent man in front of you?

Soldier #2: Well actually the blo...

Brown: Nevermind, don't answer that... lets just call it... payback for what you did a couple episodes ago to my political career!

Smith: I just want you to know Brown, my answer to your first question was you.

Soldier #2: Ya suck up! Why I have a good mind to ha... *Mysteriously killed by some sort of monster, completely not related to the disappearance of soldier #3's body. No one pays attention except Smith*

Smith: Uh... guys...? we may have bigger problems than walking strudel soldiers...

Brown: AS I WAS SAYING, enough fun and games I have two orders of business, first, I need Nikki, Soldier #1, Captain Sexy and Sarge. This morning we received a transmission from agent "Hero of Time," who ironically turns out to be your good friend Link. *Plays transmission, the message is heavily damaged, scratchy and.... recorded on an ocarina*

Link's voice (recorded): *Whispering* Agent Hero of Time calling King of Evil...

Pooh: Zant?

Brown's Voice (Recorded): Go ahead Hero.

Link's Voice (Recorded): I've been captured, repeat have been captured by some... delicious apple pies... but I attained what Zant's working on. According to the plans I saw, Zant's been working on something that could spell the end of waffles and the world forever! Apparently he's developing a drug which causes the said person to become as insane about pancakes as he is! The drug lets him manipulate anyone into believing anything in front of them is a pancake, or that said object is a waffle lover and thus must die. But as I've been sitting in my cell I overheard some cupcakes talking about how, so far he's only managed to cause them to go insane accidentally desiring brains instead.... *Static* …STALFOS they're onto me, I think they know I have a radio! Send BACKUP (And by back up I DO NOT mean NAVI!!!)! *Recording ends*

Brown: We need the four of you to drop into an old bunker in northern

Russia

, where we think they're holding him. Should you be caught or killed...

Sarge: Yeah, we know, "the secretary of defense will disavow any connection with our actions."

Brown: I was going to say, "I will be the first to dance on your grave", but what you said sounds better!

Sarge: *to Captain Sexy its been an honor serving with you captain, should we die."

Captain Sexy: And its been an honor performing for your camera Averious.

Brown: AS FOR THE REST OF YOU! Bessner is working on an antidote for Zant's failed attempts. I want you to go check in on him, Van Helsing and Father Malachi who have been stationed in a M*A*S*H* unit near Irkutsk

Russia

What will happen to the rescue team that went in for Link? Bessner and Malachi in the same camp? Doesn't seem like a good combination! Van Helsing's dark side show!? Is Smith the only one to notice the zombie apocalypse is on its way? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT "THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW" TO FIND OUT!

NEWS FLASH: POLICE ACTION AT NORTHGLENN HIGH SCHOOL

2011-10-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

WE interrupt your usual "The Northglenn Morning show" to bring you this report put together by your news team: Link.

*Please note that the following events: Police action at Northglenn High is a true article*

Aerial shot of Northglenn High School
Image taken from
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jovenus47/268974294/sizes/z/in/photostream/

MIDWAY through the day, a little after 9:01 AM students of Northglenn High-School were pulled out due to a bomb threat against the school, the culprit? A calculator.

It was an ordinary day for Elizabeth R. Fryberger when she, "Found a message on a calculator in math class that said, 'I'm going to blow up the school there's a bomb in the library." After discovering this unsettling message it was relayed to her teacher who immediately called the school's principle Dr. Lindimore. Dr. Lindimore instructed her to "wait at the flagpole," afterwards the police action began to ensue.

At the same time our Site Editor Trenton L. Brown was updating this site during his fourth hour with the Zant Coloring Contest that you will see below this post only a little while before it began. On the matter he recalled, "Dr. Lindimore, Mr. James and a young decorated officer entered the library and immediately began pulling the librarians aside. They then began rushing all of the students out of the library telling them to go to courtyard commons or the cafeteria. Minutes after arrival in the cafeteria, I was instructed to go to the courtyard commons instead, at which point the fire alarm went off." It is believed the fire drill was pulled in order to get all of the students out of the school, without causing panic by telling of the bomb threat. About ten police cars, a fire truck and an ambulance were seen at the scene. After spending the rest of the day cluelessly outside, unknowing of the possible danger and reasoning behind the police action, the students of Northglenn Highschool were told by an announcement that school would resume at the normal time the next day.

Some people are speculating that the incident was highly foolish since the bomb threat was most likely a highly distasteful joke. On the other hand parents and others have put forth the belief that it was an excellent example of the school taking the necessary precautions against what could have become an incident like that of Columbine Highschool. The threat has yet to be nullified, and it is uncertain whether there was indeed a bomb within the confines of the library.

Reporting in Northglenn Colorado,

~Reporter Trenton L. Brown

ZANT COLORING CONTEST!!!!!!

2011-10-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone we here at the Northglenn Morning show have decided to hold a coloring contest! We have here three pictures of our good pancake loving fiend ZANT! however they are somewhat lacking in the... color department. So pick one of them, color it in whatever means you see fit (human blood is somewhat discouraged, but only because we know Dictator Brown is reading this). Submit your picture of zant and your name by either emailing it to northglennmorningshow@hotmail.com OR give the paper copy to either Nikki V., Austin K., or Trenton B. Winner, or whoever has in our opinion either the BEST zant or the FUNNIEST zant will have their picture displayed on Monday October 17th, 2011 as well as a picture of one of THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW characters of their choice. HERE ARE YOUR THREE Zant coloring book CHOICES:

THE SHOW 10/10/2011: DICTATOR BROWN WANTS YOU!!!!!

2011-10-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

TODAYS GUEST STAR: DANNY SUSSMAN!

Opening Theme: Skullcrusher Mountain by Jonathan Coulton

Show: October 10^th 2011

Narrator: Ladies and gentlewomen (…and men…) we would like to welcome you… to… the best night of your lives!... er… I mean THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW! Please welcome your hosts: straight out of the mental hospital for the second time, POOH BEAR. AND from Wimbledon, Britain, our beloved retired taxi driver, who has taken up reporting, JOHN SMITH. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST! From Brown’s dictatorship the Apple Warlock: NIKKI THE BLACK!

Smith: Keep this up, random narrator and you might just keep your job.

Pooh: Lets see here… today’s news, *Sips honey* With lock in coming up check if you have enough hours and have been invited! Also as you may have noticed by the opening theme, this month’s artist is Jonathan Coulton! Today’s question for everyone: Apple Warlocks and Lemon Warlocks have begun fighting a massive silent war, do you think this will have an effect on us “muggers?” What do you think John?

Smith: *Looks over to the other side of the studio where Nikki is wrestling a random mom down to the ground for the lemons shes holding* Nah…

Pooh: *Phone rings* Go ahead viewer!

Viewer: My answer to the question is, yes soon it will branch out into a Zombie apocalypse when someone eats a tainted lemon/ apple!

*Silence*

Smith: Sounds better than end of the world by Zant!

Henry: You know that viewers comment reminds me of this time back in Nam…

Smith: …or end of the world by Henry’s stories for that matter… *Shivers* or worst of all… end of the world be Bessner.

Nikki: Speaking of Bessner we’ve invited him to the show as our expert on apple and lemon warlocks!

Bessner: *Entering Hello everybody!

Smith: *Grumbles* Good heavens… he’s our expert?

Pooh: *Slurping his honey more loudly than usual* MMM~MMM! I’m not going to complain, I got my honey!

Smith: Get Bessner out of here!!!! *Bessner appears behind him*

Bessner: I shall give him an injection!

Smith: WAIT NO!

*Bessner gives sedative*

ahhh….

Nikki: Thanks bessner, he was getting annoying… so what can you those *Evil moment* MEER MORTALS!!!!!!? *Returns back to normal* That was weird…

Bessner: Imagine you have lemonade, and I have apple juice and my straw comes AALLLL the way across the room and I drink your lemonade. I DRINK YOUR LEMONADE! I DRINK YOU LEMONADE!

Nikki: That’s right Apple Warlocks can steal the powers of the other warlocks!

Bessner: UND make apples appear at will, where Lemon Warlocks can make anything, ANYTHING related to lemon’s appear. Zis includes Pledge, Lemon Meringue Pie, poppy seeds und etc.

Henry: What in McArthur’s name do poppy seeds have to do with lemons?

Pooh: Lemon Poppy seed muffins.

Henry: oh…(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)!

Bessner: In short… Lemon Warlocks can manipulate all plants and inanimate objects!

Nikki: They declared war on us this morning… this note came to us this morning…

Figure 2.1

Cultural Affairs advisor Danny: *Walking in* And what’s worse guys? The Lemon Warlocks have allied with the enemy! *Blank stares* You haven’t heard? This morning Dictator Brown received a pancake with a declaration of war written on it. Zant Ishmael Pfannkuchen escaped from a mental hospital last night and allied with an army of pastries, an unknown blond accomplice and the lemon warlocks.

Henry: This reminds me or when I found out about Vietnam…

Danny: Also… *frustrated* …sorry I have to do this guys… I hate my father(Dictator Brown) sometimes…… you’ve all been drafted by Dictator Brown… pack your bags guys.

Henry: SON OF A (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)

Pooh: Wait… WHAT!?

Smith: *Waking up* AHH! Oh I’m back! Sorry I was having this… horrible nightmare that we were all drafted into some outrageous war!

*Silence*

What...?

NEW LOGO!!!!

2011-10-09T16:44:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody! You've probably noticed that there hasn't been a show in the last three days... why!? Well The NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW staff is happy to announce the development of a NEW logo!

The old logo is shown above ^

As we all know the old logo was... how should we say... lacking in the creativity department? We have decided to post it one last time before retiring its old and (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) self.... why was "beloved" bleeped out!? ....BYRON!!!!!

Anyway... as you can see here to the right the old logo was more or less the school logo with Northglenn Morning Show written on it.

AND HERE IS OUR NEW LOGO!

From left to right: Pooh, mysterious viking, Nikki the Black

The SHOW 10/04/2011 "Pancakes and Apple Warlocks

2011-10-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today's Episode!
PANCAKES
AND
APPLE WARLOCKS

Zant in a hospital Gown.
Animation by Trenton Brown

DID YOU KNOW… Honey acts the same way to Pooh Bear, as Vodka acts to Humans?

Narrator: Through threatening to lose my job, I’m still here to announce. So lets do this, shall we?

BROADCASTING TODAY from Van Helsing Memorial Hospital in Boston here with your hosts Pooh Bear, John Smith and…?

Van Helsing: *Looking at hospital report* Well boys looks like Striders going to make it. Though he is quite lucky to be alive… Perhaps having all this Helium in his blood will be an “Enlightening” experience for him.

Bessner: Well maybe I could give him an injection to…

Smith: Bessner? What did we talk about? Remember this is all your fault!

Pooh: Could you keep it down, Jonny? I’m still feeling the effects of the honey I drank to erase last night…

Smith: Sorry, Pooh.

Dictator Brown: *Marching in* What the (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) is this!? Do you know how much political recourse I’m feeling because of your little stunt last night, Bessner!?

Henry: None?

Bessner: Well I…

Dictator Brown: NO! Shut up Bessner! Thanks to that fiasco France, Britain and the Ottoman Empire are rethinking their alliance with the Brown Dictatorship!

Pooh: …I’ll be back when the yelling stops…

Smith: I understand Britain, but the Ottoman Empire, France?

Brown: France is a bunch of backstabbing cheese muffins, enough said. The Ottomans… it’s a bit complicated.

Pooh: So in other words, just Britain is mad over the incident?

Smith: Wait, I thought you left Pooh?

Pooh: Yeah… I got around the corner and started thinking… You guys alone?

Zant: *Wheeling a gurney enters, gurney is filled with pancakes and syrup* This is the best breakfast ever! I do have to say that this bib they gave me feels a bit loose…

*Zant is wearing a hospital gown-and little else*

Smith: Oh Gall…

Pooh: Henry? Looks like I’m not done with the honey just yet…

Henry: Are you kidding!? Vodka is the only thing blocking this!

Zant: Honey… do you mean that yellow sticky substance? *Points to the syrup which has an opaque, yellow tint to it* There wasn’t enough Syrup… so I mixed that substance with it.

Pooh: You know… Pancakes sound REAL good right now… mind if I join you Zant?

Zant: …There…. Can only be one!

*Pulls out a sword in the shape of pancakes*

Pooh: I… Need that honey.

*The two attack each other fighting over the honey laden pancakes, during which Zant frequently flashes the rest of the members…. Since hospital gowns are possibly one of the last things one should fight in, (or first depending on who you are). Van Helsing re-enters this time holding a string which is attached to Strider who is floating, bobbing against the ceiling, facing the ground.*

Smith: *Having seen Strider* OH GALL!

*hides his face in his arms*

Brown: What’s so surprising!?

Henry: THAT MAN is floating in mid… never mind just give me my (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) Vodka!

Brown: …Don’t tell me that wasn’t your warlock’s work?

Bessner: Herr Braun, it was mine…

Brown: *Laughs* Don’t worry you can borrow…

*A handsome man in black appears wearing a fancy black kilt, a tux shirt and a Wizard Hat*

…Mine!

Handsome Man: You called my Herr?

Brown: Yes, everybody, this is my Apple Warlock he works for me in my dictatorship. His name is Nikki 6 (66) but we usually just call him Nikki the Black for short.

Smith: *looking up* …that’s not shorter.

Brown: Yes it is, what are you talking about you poor man?

Henry: Yeah, the war starting to effect you too, Corporal Smith?

Smith: Corporal!? I’m not in the army, let alone an American!

Bessner: Correction my good friend, you are a Member of the Fourth Reich.

Smith: Bessner…?

Bessner: …my apologies.

Smith: AND what the devil is an APPLE WARLOCK!?

Brown: Well since it seems that the show seems to be down a host, I’ll lend you Nikki the Black, he can be your next host till you get a new one!

Henry: That’s the best idea we’ve had since we left ‘nam! (Vietnam)

Smith: I thought I was the one who was replacing Tinkerbell!

Brown: What’d you say Jonny? I’m afraid I missed that.

Smith: ….Nevermind…

*Pooh and Zant are still fighting*

Strider: ….And I thought hospitals were boring!

The SHOW 10/03/2011: Night times with the Northglenn Morning Show

2011-10-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

OPENING THEME: HUMORESQUE by DVORAK

Pooh Bear as Radar o' Reilly
Illustrated by Trenton Brown

SHOW: Night times with the Northglenn Morning show

Narrator: If you’ve come to us today seeking a religious refuge from the dark and sinful world…. You’ve truly come to the wrong place. We join the guys on Captain Sexy’s ship for their Monday night poker game!

Zant: I’m afraid I still don’t understand the concept of this idiotic game, what does this have to do with pancakes!?

Bessner: Or arsenic!?

Smith: For the last time, this is a card game, those little paper things in your hands are cards…

Zant: I thought they tasted funny…

Smith: Gall….

*Father Van Helsing walks in*

Ah Dr. Van Helsing care to join us for a game of cards?

Van Helsing: I think, my good sirs, I shall. Yesterday’s sermon was of…. particular unpleasantries.

Smith: Glad our table can be here for you, Dictator Brown I believe it is your deal?

Brown: Uh, yeah it is

*Cell rings*

hold on guys I gotta’ take this call, the Korean embassador doesn’t like waiting

*Gets up*

Hello?

Bessner: Zo Pleaze explain zis game once again, I’m afraid my pancake loving companion ztill does not understand itz… inedible qualities.

*Zant is cooking a 9of hearts, king of hearts and an ace of spads on a George Foreman grill*

Smith: Zant…. What in gods name…. are you doing!?

Zant: REDEEMING THIS ABOMINATION! I noticed these… cards you called them have a texture resembling that of waffles! So I’m frying them into the delicious heaven that is a warm…. fluffy… pancake…

Pooh: *Enters* Hey guys…

Henry: Whats going on Pooh? Why are you dressed as Radar o’ Reilly?

Bessner: Ya, you seem rather downtrodden.

Pooh: I’ve just received word… that Tinkerbell’s plane was shot down over the Boston Harbor… There were no survivors…

Zant: Finally, the non-believers are DEAD!

Captain Sexy: *Entering with hands up* Hey guys, no need to panic, got a pirate pointing his sword at my sphincter.

Pirate (Strider): Judging by what you were doing with the monkey and the banana in your room, this shouldn’t be too uncomfortable for you!

Sergeant Averious Cock-n’-balls: Whatever the capt’n does in his free time is own (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) business… wait… why was I bleeped out I didn’t even say anything!?

Pooh: We know.

Pirate (Strider): Well during my undercover work Sergeant, you were selling tickets to it!

*no reaction*

Why aren’t you surprised?

Captain Sexy: I told him to sell the tickets.

Narrator: Get on with it Strider!

Bessner: STRIDER!? What are you doing away from Middle Earth!?

Pooh: Wait hold on! Narrator!? You’re in on this!?

Narrator: …yeah… about that…

Zant: Those waffle lovers must have paid you a pretty pancake to help them!

Narrator: …They paid me in World of Warcraft hours…

Pooh: Why am I not surprised…

Bessner: Strider… my old nemesis, my old british nemesis…

Strider: Doctor!

*Pointing sword at Bessner*

I thought my army of undead would have killed you by now!

Bessner: I kept them occupied with my flock of Cuccos. I will defeat you my nemesis!

Strider: I believe you will find me victorious!

Father Malachi: NO! I’ll kill you the both of you…

*Swig of Jinn*

… you German and British swine!

*The three begin fighting Malachi keeps trying to joing in but keeps getting thrown out eventually being thrown into the porthole which he clogs. Strider draws his sword, Bessner an enormous injection needle. Bessner lays a good hit and injects liquid helium into Strider and proceeds by tackling him into the clogged porthole ripping a hole in the ship sending them into the icy waters outside. Captain Sexy stares blankly at the hole in his gorgeous ship*

Dictator Brown: *Returning* So, what did I miss?

Show Update (Commercial)

2011-09-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

September 16 at 5:24pm
"Creatures that call themselves human, we have an important message for you. Monday, the Northglenn Morning Show will be filming its first ever commercial. stay tuned for more info" ~Nikki

September 19 at 7:31pm

"Ok, so an update on the commercial. Due to a wild unforseen cuckoo attack, we were unable to make the video. stay tuned for more updates" ~Nikki

TODAY: UPDATE ON COMMERCIAL: Drafting for the Commercial's script has begun! Stay tuned for further updates

KETCHEL vs. BROWN: EDEN PRIME

2011-09-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

BOXES SHOW DOWN!

Opening theme: Super Mario 64 - Bowser's Road (Rock/Metal Cover)

DICTATOR BROWN AND BYRON AUSTIN KETCHEL'S

"Dots and boxes" SHOW DOWN

This week Brown and Ketchel began a dots and boxes match to end all dots and boxes matches. Utilizing full sheet of grid paper this battle of the wits has only just begun!

For those of you who don't know how to play "Dots and Boxes" the objective of the game is claim as many boxes as you can under your name. You may only make one line per turn, every time you claim box you get to make another move meaning if you have a hallway of parallel lines and your partner makes the third line in any of those....

its "EDEN PRIME WAS A MAJOR VICTORY" time.

This weeks casualties:

Boxes marked "A" are victories of Ketchel
Boxes marked "T" are victories of Brown

Please Note the boxes marked "A" which are highlighted orange, these boxes are what are known as "THE CORRIDOR OF DEATH" as well as "Eden prime"

Skip to minute 2:00

IN OTHER NEWS: Acheivement hunter has uploaded more "Fails of the Weak"

EXTRA: List of Qui-gon Jinn TRUTHS

2011-09-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Jonny Smith here folks,

THE FOLLOWING ARE TRUE ABOUT QUI-GON JINN:

1. Qui-gon Jinn won American Idol by drinking a bottle of Jinn.

2. The fear of spiders is referred to as arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Qui-gon Jinn is summed up in two words: Common Sense.

3. The force is so strong with Qui-gon Jinn that he starts campfires by looking at the wood.

4. There once was a road named Qui-gon Jinn, but they changed it because anyone who would cross Qui-gon Jinn would instantly receive a hangover.

5. Some miracle workers can walk on water... Qui-gon Jinn swims through land.

6. We are bound to the laws of gravity, to Qui-gon Jinn they're merely a thought.

7. Qui-gon Jinn once threw up after drinking too much into the gas tank of a Semi truck... That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

8. Qui-gon Jinn once played jenga when he was drunk.... and that my children is how Mars was formed...

9. Rudolph has a red nose... want to know why? He made the mistake of challenging Qui-gon Jinn to a drinking battle.

10. Qui-gon Jinn has counted to infinity.... that's how many livers he has.

EXTRA: Dr. Bessner's New Fluffy Friends

2011-09-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

Jonny Smith here folks,

Opening Theme: From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The Ballad of

Brave Sir Robin

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!

He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...

Dr. Bessner while investigating tails of, "The Holy Grail," the cup by which Jesus administered the last supper, came across a species of rabbit that greatly interested him, one otherwise like the mighty Cucco.
Cuccos, being relatively identical, and related, to the harmless chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus), is a sort of black sheep of the family of the fowl. Most other chickens are domesticated and completely harmless, and birds related to them, with the exception of the Cucco, are not dangerous by any means. THE Cucco on the other hand is notoriously dangerous being blamed for such disasters as Windmill fires (amidst shadow beast danger), city destruction and Zant Worshiping. Much like the Cucco is a black sheep of viciousness , Bessner's new discovery is the black sheep of rabbits.

^ Figure 1.2 ^

"Killer Rabbit" is the unofficial name for the creature, Bessner on the other hand calls it, the "Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus" which means "bad, wicked or evil, European rabbit." Bessner discovered its killer potential just before one was killed by the only means known, the holy hand grenade, he first saw the rabbit murdering one of its victims (figure1.2). Upon studying the D.N.A of the holy hand grenade-ed rabbit, Dr. William Bessner Discovered the Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus to be an endangered species of rabbit. Little is yet known of Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus but Bessner does know that, much like the Cucco, Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus has no finite life span and only has one weakness-which has already been used. Bessner is currently in the process of safely breeding the rabbits so that he might study them.
This leaves many of us with a few questions, does this spell the fate of humanity to die at cute hands? Or does it mean Dictator Brown has gained another dangerous weapon in his arsenal?

Or perhaps the biggest question....

Which is worse? Death by Cucco, or death by Bunny?

CHURCH OF YODA: Sermon: Marriage and Chastity

2011-09-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Father Malachi's at it again!

EXTRA: 9/11 Special

2011-09-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

Jonny Smith here folks,
TODAY'S EXTRA: 9/11 Tribute

Opening theme: It's Not my Time by 3 Doors Down:

Image taken from: www.whitegadget.com

For some it seems like it was only yesterday, for others it was ten long years ago. A day as memorable to some citizens as the bombing of Pearl Harbor. A group of men hijacked American Airlines Flight 11 and at 8:46 A.M. crashed the plane between levels 93 and 99.

Bessner: Zat would be correct Mr. Smiz, und only sevunteen minutes later anozer group of terrorists did ze zame wiz flight 175, except into ze ozer tower.

(Translation: That would be correct Mr. Smith, and only seventeen minutes later another group of terrorist did the same with flight 175 except into the other tower.)

Smith: ...Who let you in here!?

Link: Probably the same one who let him in. *Points to Zant*

Zant: What does this have to do with pancakes!? Who has the pancakes!? I was told there were some delicious pancakes in here!

Smith: WHY!? Someone tell me why we have all of the least American characters here all at once!?

Bessner: You are not one to talk, as you are... British... Besides ze twin tovers incident vas a German matter az vell

(Translation: You are not one to talk, as you are... British... Besides the twin towers incident was a German matter as well)

Zant: Pancakes?

Link: With our luck it probably was Zant who did the dirty work...

Zant: Waffle lovers all of them! That plane had such delicious pancakes on board... they stole the plane and the pancakes! I had to kill those waffle lovers...

Smith: ....You killed the terrorists? *Rubs head* so Confused....

Zant: The pancakes.... *Crying*

Smith: Get Zant out of here....

*Link Escorts Zant out*

Smith: Now BACK TO...

Link: The future? Isn't that a bit over used old man?

Smith: ....Link if you don't leave in three seconds I'm using the Cucco Ball in my jacket!

Link: *Mutters* ...(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) you old man... *looks at bare wrist* Wow! Look at the time... heh heh better be leaving! *backs out through door*

Smith: ...Now where were we?

Bessner: I do believe zat ve vere just talking about your need for your daily injection of arsenic!

Smith: Don't you start too... Lets take a moment to remember those who were lost that day, ten years ago, as well as those who in moments were there trying to help. When poor engineering and terrorists...

Zant: *Screaming through the wall* WAFFLE LOVERS!

Smith: ...came together to form one horrible tragedy.

~To those who were lost, may you rest in peace, and know our thoughts are with you...~

~Jonny Smith

Closing theme: Citizen soldier by 3 Doors Down:

EXTRA: Crapic Times

2011-09-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

Jonny Smith here folks,
Today's Extra: Critique of the Nordic Times

Opening Theme: Mr. Crowley - by Ozzie Osbourne

Please note that the opinions that follow do not by any means represent the opinions of all of the Northglenn Morning Show writer's opinions. The opinions that are shown are purely those of Mr. John Smith, the British ex-taxi driver, who gave up driving for a career in reporting.

The picture of Norman showing off his anti-"Wet Blanket"-ness which appeared on pg 2

"No one likes a wet blanket," was the line that appeared in the August 22, 2011, Volume XLV Edition 1 of the Nordic Tmes, but what kind of line is that? It sounds more like a sexual inuendo, than a line motivating school spirit. Though as a reporter myself I repect these writers, I find their language completely and utterly unsuited for their audiance, which just so happens to be the main goal of a reporter, no offense.

Musical picture incorrectly labeled "Fall Play"

On page three of course we see the number one thing everyone knows about the people who write the school newspaper, they know nothing of Drama, and what might it be? A picture from last year's musical "Annie" This goes to show that the newspaper has once again attempted to fool the school into believing that sports are the high point of this high school when in fact it is well known fact that many of the sports teams our school has, have lost numerous times over the past few years. Therefore let us just say that such focal points such as our Winter Percussion or our Drama Club which are arguably the best in the whole district.
Now for the next thing I found wrong in the newspaper... let us begin by asking a question, if you were say.... the principal of a high school with hundreds of parents trusting their students to you, why would you let your own newspaper put out a picture of you in that made you look like you're going to beat their child?

Lindimore yelling at some poor
Students.

The picture to the left, is the one that was included in this issue of the newspaper (truly evidence of the school's need for some decent photo editing software). The woman looks like shes ready to beat the snuff out of a student, which... from a legal stand point doesn't look good, no matter how you put it. This of course is also not to mention that the picture is highly unflattering.
Lets sum up what we have learned from the newspaper so far: School spirit and sexual innuendos are the same thing, no one took enough time here to find a picture of a fall play AND Dr. Lindimore is going to "take out" every kid who swears in front of her.

Now to the man who is possibly the only one not afraid to show his true beliefs on the school, a man who (as a viking) probably swears like a sailor whether he's in front of Dr. Lindimore or not, Norman the Norse. Now the funny thing in this picture is the how bad it makes the NHS security look. the last sentence regarding the wearing of an ID says "he's no match for NHS tight security, unless they're not looking. Okay, somebody tell me how "Tight security" can be more than a match for a rippling "not looking," or how they might not notice a muscle bound viking in full armor carrying a bloody battle axe.

And on the left we have evidence from page 6 that there is nothing you can do on the weekends, but draw a picture.

All Northglenn students MUST love
these things.

OVER ALL, the school newspaper is considerably better than other school newspapers like Legacy's. I give this school newspaper...

NEWSPAPER RATING:
8.5 / 10 Waffles

~Jonny Smith