The Offended Blogger

The "Not In MY Backyard!" Offensive

2009-11-03T00:00:00.004-07:00

For my first contribution to this month's Humor Bloggers Unite Against Injustice Campaign, I've decided to tackle an issue that hits close to home for me: wild coyotes who feast upon the innocent flesh of unsuspecting teenage folk singers.

I know!

And it happened right in my own backyard!!

OK, so it actually happened in some remote area of Canada, but still. The very idea that it could happen in my backyard is chilling to say the least and we both know that it won't be long before the Canadian coyotes will be bragging to the Montana coyotes and they'll tell the Idaho coyotes and...

I know!

I mean it's bad enough that I have to worry about being eaten alive by hobo spiders, grizzly bears, rabid wolves and psychopathic serial killing cannibals who are just passing through on their way to Florida, but now if I decide to sell all of my guns and buy a second hand acoustic guitar and wander off into the "beauty and serenity" of the woods looking for inspiration for my next song, I have to watch my back for coyotes bent on keeping me from winning the next Canadian Idol, too??

Jesus.

Don't look at me like that.

It could happen.

OK, probably not because (a) I have no illusions about the illusion of the serenity of the woods and (b) thank God I live in Idaho where I don't have to go out into them armed with only inspiration and an acoustic guitar!!

Hooyah!

Oh yeah and (c) here in Idaho our coyotes know better because we can kill them ALL YEAR LONG and hang their dead carcasses up on fence posts as a warning sign to the others!

Which we do!

Hooyah again!!

Still, it doesn't change the fact I worry that the rest of you probably aren't safe from the possibility that vicious coyotes may be lying in wait just around the corner....

....so I hereby avow to fight this injustice the best way I know how!!

By staying right here in Idaho and killing as many of those little bastards that I can.

You're welcome!!

:)

The "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Offensive

2009-10-29T08:00:00.002-06:00

After dropping some serious dinero today (read: taco truck money) on enough Halloween candy to give every starving Ethiopian child juvenile diabetes, I had to seriously reconsider whether or not all of the little trick-or-treaters who might show up at my door 2 nights from now are worth sharing it with.

It almost made me feel guilty that it only took me all of .0000005 seconds to realize that NO they sure the hell aren't worthy!

Hey, it's not my fault that not one of those little bastards have come by even once this year to offer to pull weeds or rake leaves or muck out the barn! Well at least none have offered to do any of those things for free, and I'm sorry but if they have the balls to expect me to pay them to shovel horse shit, then I should have the balls to charge them for candy when they show up begging at my door, right?!

Right.

Heh.

I can just see their sad little faces now.

Between you and me, I'm banking on the fact that most of them only have a 2nd grade education. I'm going to see if I can not only recoop what I spent, but make a tidy profit off of them as well.

Hooyah!

:)

The "I Smell Sex and Candy" Offensive

2009-10-28T02:56:00.003-06:00

So after visiting the local Halloween Boo-tique for the third time this week trying to choose which saucy wench costume to buy, I realized two things. One, the Marci Playground song "Sex and Candy" was stuck in my head for no apparent reason and two, if the ACLU showed up for an unannounced inspection the people who run that place would be in bigggg trouble!

I mean it was obvious to even a lay person that they didn't give a second thought to political correctness whatsoever when they set up their displays because there were Rastafarian hats hanging right next to the velvet pimp daddy suits which were within viewing distance of those creepy Obama masks.

I know!

Plus, there were several highly inappropriate costumes and props which made reference to other illegal activities and many of those were strategically positioned to face the pregnant nun costume.

Which I bought.

Because I love Jesus that much.

Hooyah!!

At least I thought it was great until I came home with my pregnant nun outfit and realized why that song had been stuck in my head and that I should be offended at the fact that roughly 87.5% of the store was full of saucy wench costumes.

Worse, 93.2% of them had blond haired, blue eyed, large breasted women modeling them on the packages!!

Including my pregnant nun one!

Please.

Everyone knows Catholic girls have brown hair and brown eyes.

Oh well, I suppose I shouldn't get my holy knickers in a wad over it. It's not like Halloween is the only sexed up, degraded holiday we have anymore, right?? I mean just take a look at what they've done with Yom Kippur.

I'm thinking of converting after Halloween, in fact.

:)

The "My Ouija Board Hates Me" Offensive

2009-10-26T11:41:00.000-06:00

You know, you'd think with the Halloween season upon us my Ouija board dude would be a bit more cheerful and hospitable but instead, he won't even talk to me and it is really starting to piss me off!

Seriously, no matter what I do, I get the same response:

That's right.

Nothing!!

But I know what he's thinking.

:(

Thanks, I feel sorry for me too!

It wasn't always this way, though. It used to be that he'd talk to me and tell me things like "I'm going to kill you" and "show me your tits" but I guess the honeymoon wore off after I started bugging him incessantly to give me the winning lottery tickets, which he never frigging did.

:(

It probably didn't help that I also bugged him constantly to let me talk to someone cooler than him (like Ted Bundy or Jack the Ripper or Billy Mays) and I think he finally had enough when I started asking him to move heavy furniture for me, but honestly, if he can move that little pointer thingy to spell out "show me your tits again and I'll do whatever you want" over and over he sure the hell can pull my refrigerator out so I can sweep under it!!

Heh.

I'm not letting him get away with it though. I went out and bought myself some demonic poltergeist and/or disembodied spirit hunting equipment and I'm going to track his lying ass down and make him pay:

In fact, instead of pulling out the fridge, I'm going to make him run the vacuum.

In a French Maid costume.

Then, I'll take video of it and threaten to post it on YouTube and he'll have no choice but to give up the winning lottery numbers in order to save face.

Hooyah!!

:)

The "Shameless Whoring for HBDC" Offensive

2009-10-25T00:00:00.003-06:00

That's right, I'm exerting my God-given right to practice shameless whoring in order to promote the Halloween Humor Carnival over at Humor Bloggers dot com. For the entire week, the front page there will be filled with humorous Halloween themed posts written by participating Carnival members.

Hooyah!

Don't miss it!

Make sure you stop over daily and check it out!

Don't look at me like that, I said GO!!!

:)

The "BYOC" Offensive

2009-10-24T00:36:00.000-06:00

And the Weekender Offended Award goes to....

The South African Makhonya Royal Trust for their plan to perform a ritual animal sacrifice in order to bless the stadium and bring a little culture to the 2010 World Cup.

Oh, and it might piss off a few of my friends at PETA which earns them extra points. :)

The "Thank You, Come Again!" Offensive

2009-10-21T07:00:00.002-06:00

I believe I've mentioned before that it is wrong to stereotype. Wrong, wrong, WRONG. As in not right. It can be downright offensive, even. Especially if you look like an Aryan and live in Idaho, like I do!

However...

If you're like me, you can't help but notice and make assumptions about certain 'types' of people no matter how hard you try, right?

Right!

I mean honestly, can I help it that I can spot a taco truck driver and assume his name is Jesus from a mile away (or that I assume his tacos with extra, extra jalepenos will be delicious - hooyah!!)???

No, I can not.

And is it my fault that I assume every pair of well groomed, suit-wearing, bicycle-riding young men around here are Mormons (or that I think they belong to a cult and should be out sewing their oats instead of trying to preach to the frigging choir because what the hell sort of mission is it to be sent from one Mormon hell to another anyway, shouldn't they be sent to Uganda or Belize or some shit so they can be chased down by cannibals instead of trying to convert the only two non-Mormons around here, namely me and Jesus??? Ugggghhhhhhh!!!)???

No, it is not!

Then it is no surprise that I can't help but assume that "Bob", the guy who runs my local Quick Stop is "not from around these parts", right??

Right!!

Heh.

"Bob" also runs the local Super 8 motel, too, but it isn't MY fault that I assume that he seems to want to fit the stereotypical stereotype which we're all supposed to pretend doesn't exist:

Right???

Right!!!

Oh, but imagine my surprise when I found out that "Bob" also owns the local YMCA, too!!!

OK, he just works there, but still. I would have never assumed that! So from now on, I'm going to assume everyone named "Bob" are lifeguards as well as Quick Stop and Super 8 owners.

Oh yeah, and did I mention I now also assume that my "Bob" is a total pervert because every time he sees me all he says is 'thank you, come again!"??

That's riiiiiightttt.

:)

The "Nice Guys Never Win" Offensive

2009-10-19T09:08:00.002-06:00

From an actual Dear Abby letter:

"DEAR ~~ABBY~~ CHELLE B.: I am 22 years old and stuck in a long-term relationship. My boyfriend has taken care of me since my mother died last year. She was my only family, so without my boyfriend I'd be alone.

My problem is, I am no longer attracted to him. I don't want to hurt his feelings because of everything he has helped me through, but is a relationship worth staying in if you don't feel the "connection" anymore? -- ALONE IN THE SOUTH

Dear "Alone",

First of all, this whole 'southern belle' thing isn't fooling anyone. Let's break this down into plain language. You feel guilty because you went from having your momma pay your bills to sponging off of some poor bastard you met at eHarmony (who is more than likely the type who is loyal and faithful and hung like a horse) and now you're bored with him and you've met some loser on a World of Warcraft forum and want to dump Mr. Nice Guy for Mr. Gonna-Knock-You-Up-And-Down-And-All-Around-Before-Leaving-You-For-Your-Sister but deep down you know it's wrong and need validation from a stranger to justify doing so.

Am I right?

Of course I am!

I'm always right.

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, here's my advice.

First of all, since Mr. WOW probably exaggerates about having a larger penis than Mr. Nice and isn't going to stick around long anyway, I suggest not breaking up with Mr. Nice just yet. Simply use your southern charm to acquire enough pocket money from Mr. Nice to fly Mr. WOW in for a weekend of mediocre sex at a Motel Six and get him out of your system.

It probably won't take all weekend, so maybe find one of those motels where you can pay by the hour and use the left over money to buy yourself something nice.

Now then, with that short-lived disappointment behind you, next you need to focus on your long term problem, which is how to get rid of Mr. Nice! If you really don't want to be stuck with him, why bother putting yourself through the hassle of a painful "it's not you, it's me" breakup? I mean, you seem nice enough yourself, so could you live with all that post-breakup guilt?

Of course not!!

So here is what you do in 3 easy steps to take care of this problem in the most practical and painless way possible.

I'm sure you're intelligent enough to figure them out:

1) Term Life Insurance
2) Succinylcholine (or if you can't get a hold of that, Pancuronium Bromide will do in a pinch)
3) Sex Change Operation

There you have it, problem solved.

No one will ever need to take care of you again and you don't have to troll the internet for that illusive "big one" because you will be able to afford to have one of your very own to play with for all time!

Well, until some needy chick who just lost her momma on eHarmony finds you and then finds this post and...

Heh.

After all, karma is a bitch.

:)

The "U.C.D.S." Offensive

2009-10-17T00:00:00.001-06:00

And the Weekend Offender Award goes to......

The Ugly Children Disposal Service of St. Louis, MO

The "Free Ball Waxing At My Place!" Offensive

2009-10-16T07:00:00.001-06:00

You may not know this, but I think of The Offended Blogger as a public service (as well as a tax deduction - hooyah!), but it has become increasingly alarming to realize that instead of offending the masses I seem to be the most trusted source on the interwebz for how to properly wax and/or torture your testicles!!

Seriously, just look at my Google analytics for this last month to see for yourself:

See??!

What bothers me even more is how the hell did clown porn beat out #11, which is "how to run your balls through a wood chipper after flogging them with a cat-o-nine tails"???

Hmm.

Maybe this is a sign that I need to post more about testicle torture or something.

It has been awhile.....

The "Generation XXX" Offensive

2009-10-15T07:41:00.002-06:00

In today's modern world of flying machines and real-time streaming data, don't you feel a bit sorry for all of those old people who must be feeling overwhelmed by our generation's laissez faire attitude toward all things perverted?

Or rather, our generation's blatant promotion and celebration of all things perverted??

Imagine being at that awkward age where you still remember being too young to look at the Victorian porn hidden under your older brother's bed but you're not "hip" to the fact that you can sell your own collection of vintage Playboys on Ebay (and make a killing since one of them is the one the new Marge Simpson spread is modeled after!).

However, after hearing all the hype, you begrudgingly get a second hand computer with a dial up modem and a membership to wrinklyporn.com but you soon realize that those pop-up Viagra ads aren't just annoying, they're downright insulting:

But it's OK, because you can clicky click anywhere you want, so after finding a killer deal on a case of Viagra from an email sent to you from a El Salvadorian "phramecie" you start feeling like you just might fit into this alien, sinful world after all!

Unfortunately for you, your wife also uses the interwebs and knows what a bunch of sick perverts the rest of us are:

Yeah.

:(

It get's worse, too!

Your wife dies and after years of questioning your sexuality on oldbicurious.org and perusing findagrave.com and other online obituaries 23 hours a day, you suddenly find yourself wheelchair bound, the last man standing in a dilapidated nursing home, completely helpless and frail, mold growing in your three-month-old diaper while a psychotic fake nurse named Betty stalks you in the empty halls with a hypodermic of succinylcholine hidden behind her back:

Heh.

OK, so maybe all this internet perversion will save your old, wrinkly ass after all!

I say my generation owes it to you to continue our perversions unabated.

Hooyah!!

:)

The "What We Have Here is a Failure to Excommunicate!" Offensive

2009-10-14T08:00:00.001-06:00

Remember the good old days, back when the media was obsessed with pedophile priests instead of all this boring crap about swine flu and the sinking economy and Jon and Kate plus hate or whether or not Obama deserved a Nobel Peace prize (which he so fucking didn't ugh!!!)??

I know! I miss those days, too!

I mean honestly, who could ever tire of seeing this mental image at night when you 'lay yourself down to sleep and pray the Lord your soul to keep'?

Hooyah!!

I mean next to waiting to see if Iran would nuke Israel or vice versa, that is soooooo much more entertaining, right??

Right.

We both know those perverted priests haven't all been excommunicated, either. They're just not what's 'hot' anymore so CNN, Fox News and that other news channel ignore them but I decided to go down and do some investigative journalism at my own local Catholic church and was utterly shocked at what I found going on:

Erm, not that.

That old bastard always makes me kneel for him as soon as he sees me, it's our unholy ritual of sorts.

I mean this:

I know!

Who knew Bill Gates was a pedophile priest????!!

The "Don't Axe, Don't Tell!" Offensive

2009-10-12T17:28:00.003-06:00

Have you ever noticed just how many people talk funny? I don't mean the ones who have a bit of an accent or fail to enunciate their words properly, either. I mean the ones who start life like this kid...

...and then never progress past 'lalalalalalalalalalalala'.

Heh.

They're the ones that usually stare at your boobs and drool while saying it, too.

Or what about assholes like this guy who abbreviate certain words in an attempt to sound all bad ass:

I know!

What a loser, huh?!

Everyone knows he just talks like that to compensate for having a small penis.

There is really no excuse for speaking improperly no matter how big or small your junk is, though. Believe me, I speak from experience here because at one time I, too, had a bit of a speech impediment and it nearly ruined my life!

It's true!!!

It really got me into a lot of trouble growing up, especially with my older sister who was a mean bitch to begin with. She constantly misunderstood my pronunciation of the term 'shiny lips':

Hey, it wasn't my fault that the syphilis rumor I accidentally started turned out to be true or that she is now a middle aged hermit spinster who lives with 12 cats and is lobbying for the right to enter into a civil union with one of them!!

The same thing happened with my older brother, well except for the wanting to marry his cat part.

When I was 6 he nearly killed me for innocently calling him a 'hobo':

OK, so I really was calling him a homo but I couldn't help it!

Turns out he was a homo and my gaydar was already fired up with precision tuning even at such an early age. To this day it has yet to fail me, either.

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, lucky for me that I learned to speak properly and that he has embraced his homosexuality because he thinks it's funny now when I call him a 'flaming sodomite who will fry like a piece of bacon when Jesus returns to judge us all':

That's right, and who has the speech impediment now, mo' fo'??!!

:p

The "Oh, Nobel He Diin't!!!" Offensive

2009-10-10T17:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the magic of pharmaceuticals it still hasn't sunk in yet that Obama won a Nobel Peace prize, but when it does I am going to be soooo pissed!!! I mean, what the holy hell did HE do to deserve that coveted award that everyone knows I worked my ass off to win???!

Seriously, they even did a poll about it on CNN and the results speak for themselves:

See?!!

That bastard only won because he is black.

It's true! If I were a black woman with as much power and as big of balls that he allegedly has (he still hasn't sent me proof so I'm left with no choice but to play the race card and fall back on stereotypes for this part!) well... I'd be Oprah and I'd be pissed at her for winning, too.

Ugh!!

Now you tell me, did either of them reach out to Iran like I did before it became the cool thing to do?

NO, THEY DID NOT.

OK, so I pretty much told Iran to Fatwa themselves but hey, they started it!! My diplomacy efforts worked, though, because they sure the fuck quit visiting my blog after that!

Oh, and my similarly Nobel-worthy diplomatic humanitarianism I employed to bridge the divide between myself and Greenland paid off as well, but in the exact opposite way:

They've visited my blog dozens of times now!

Hooyah!!

Still, it's not the same as winning the Nobel Peace prize so fuck Greenland, they still suck.

Which reminds me, did Obama reach across BOTH borders to embrace our darker and whiter neighbors like I do??

NO!

Did he bear even one bastard child to even one of the many thousands of illegal taco truck drivers named Jesus or have a cross-country, international stalking incident with a handsome (yet possibly gay) Canadian handyman named Mike Holmes (who has little to no appreciation for American fanaticism, stalking and/or attempted kidnapping with the intent to violate his 'privacy')?

UH, NO!

Erm, well not that We the People are aware of at least and if he did I'd rather not know because I am a homophobe when it involves the president and/or foreign handymen who I may still want to stalk once the restraining orders are lifted.

:/

Anyhoo, even if Obama had done all of this, which he sooo didn't, he still doesn't deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, dammit, and if I have to lose out to someone I'd much rather it be my very own, self appointed Jewish Master (rawr!) who totally frigging deserves it more than anyone (except for me of course):

That's right.

Ben Netanyahu, you should have won. Especially since you not only have a dreamy voice but you have the power to annihilate Iran, Greenland and Mike Holmes and the Matzo balls to do it, yet you wait patiently for just the right time.

Plus, we both know I'd have already nuked all their asses if I had that sort of power and as big of Matzo balls.

:)

The "Misconstrued News (That I Peruse)" Offensive

2009-10-06T00:20:00.003-06:00

For some reason, every time I read the news I seem to find a few headlines which, at first glance, appear to be misleading and/or potentially offensive.

Then I get all excited and click on them and 9 out of 10 times the articles themselves turn out to be utterly boring so I quit reading them and write angry, offensive letters to the editor.

Like I did for these recent ones:

Fat skunk gives up bacon butties

This is from the BBC and knowing those freaks I opted not to even click to find out what the hell bacon butties are after learning the hard way what black pudding consists of:

Yeahhhhh.

Bloody hell, indeed!

No wonder my ancestors stowed away on pirate ships to get away from there!

Speaking of which, here is a good one:

Crabs can feel pain.

OK, sure, it sounds innocent enough but think about it for 3...2...1 and you'll have the same question I had.

See??!

Unlike you, though, I'm not unafraid to post said question on the interwebz in order to get a professional answer:

I wasn't sure which expert to ask so I picked the one who specializes in ethics in medicine.

He'd probably have an opinion on this next headline, too:

WVU quarterback likes the 'long handoff'

Um, who doesn't like a long handoff, right?

Right!

Hooyah!!

Well, unless you're a crab because apparently they feel pain.

:(

Anyhoo... moving on...

Push To Bleep 'Retarded' Gains Momentum

...uh, bleeping retarded people is just wrong, wrong, WRONG. Especially if both parties are retarded, then we end up with trainwrecks like these two:

They should get a new show called "Jon and Kate minus Jon and Kate because they have less than an average retarded person's IQ score between the two of them so we should let natural selection do its work and take them out of our misery ugggghhhhhh!!!!!".

Heh.

And finally the most perplexing headline I found so far this week....

Gay bar has new ID rule for cross-dressers

I still haven't figured out what the new Idaho rule for cross dressers is, but as soon as I do I'll let you know.

Cuz I'm sure you're wondering, too!

;)

The "No Fair! I Want My Own Dwarf Commune!!" Offensive

2009-10-04T16:41:00.012-06:00

Apparently, in communist China of all places, there is a group of dwarfs who have decided that they are sick of being bullied by the rest of us and have created their very own dwarf utopia.

I know! It's so not fair!

I mean why can't I have my own dwarf village???

OK, technically I'm a few inches from being an actual dwarf, but as an American I should be allowed to start my own exclusive commune, right?

Right!

It would be so awesome to have my very own village full of ONLY people like myself: blond haired, blue eyed patriots who love to hunt and fish and stock our secret, underground, Armageddon bunkers with guns and ammo...

...and we'd only listen to Rammstein and teach our little blond haired, blue eyed patriot children that there is a vast government/Google conspiracy and...

You're right.

If I did that, especially here in Idaho, the Google gestapo would find out and then the CIA, the FBI, the FDA, the Department of Homeland Security and the Idaho Fish and Game and Anti-Utopian Commune Task Force would have us surrounded in no time with bomb sniffing dogs, black ops helicopters and big, strong muscly guys in camo carrying large caliber sniper rifles.

Which, you know, wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing because during the stand off I'm pretty sure deep down they'd appreciate my gun collection:

They'd be all jealous, too.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, it wouldn't be all fun though because their stupid dogs would probably shit on my lawn like my neighbor's dog, George, does and I'd want to shoot them and then the sniper dudes would shoot at me and I'd have to take a few of them out and the standoff at my awesome commune would end sooner than I'd like and...

:(

Yeah.

Hmmm.

Maybe the Google gestapo wouldn't mind if we had some token citizens living in our Utopian village?

I mean I could invite these two:

Hey, as long as they like Rammstein and share their bullets with the rest of us, I don't mind if they aren't blond!

:)

The "What We Need Are Vegan Zombies!!" Offensive

2009-10-01T18:42:00.003-06:00

OK, I know what you're thinking, as a hunter and consumer of both foreign & domestic meat you would expect me to be the last person to advocate veganism, right?

Right!

I mean, I really can't stand how vegans act all superior just because I will eat anything with or without parents and/or a face and I really frigging hate how they think the rest of us should convert to their meatless ways when deep down even they know that it goes against nature:

Honestly, who in their right mind would want to give up eating meat just to look like an anorexic zombie cannibal???!!

Not me!

So publicly endorsing veganism would be like me joining the Idaho League of Neo Feminist Communists or trading in my monster truck for a Prius or forsaking Jesus by eating tofu and bean sprout tacos from Trader Joe's, or even worse, going door to door, completely naked, proselytutioning myself for P.E.T.A....

...again...

Yeeeahh.

OK, so I wasn't really going door to door for P.E.T.A., I just wanted to show off my new "I ♥ Jesus" tattoo (because I do!), plus I used the generous donation money I collected to buy a shiny new Bowtech bow and a permit to hunt WOLVES because thanks to recent legislation I can hunt those furry, sheep killing bastards all day long now!

Hooyah!!!

That's right, put that in your tofu and bean sprout taco and choke on it you godless veganites!!!!!!

Anyhoo, while up in my tree stand yesterday, waiting for Bambi's and/or Balto's daddy to show up, I realized that if only I could somehow turn those tofu and bean sprout munchers into actual zombies and get them to cannibalize one another, the world would be a MUCH better place.

Not to mention I'd finally win that Nobel prize that I totally deserve!

It wouldn't be hard, really, and my evil genius plan would help cull the surplus population beyond just the vegans.

First, all I have to do is sell hunting permits so that all of them can be orphaned, because that is key. Then, I'd use the profits to invent a protein supplement powder to sprinkle on their tofu and bean sprout tacos which will turn them into zombies while simultaneously speeding up the process of zombification so their faces fall off quickly.

After that happens, they'll all have no parents, no faces and no reason whatsoever not to cannibalize each other until there is just one left standing.

He'll be the biggest, baddest veganite zombie cannibal EVER so naturally I'll hunt him down with my new Bowtech bow and put him in my den/trophy room where he belongs:

Yep!

He can keep Rob Zombie company, cuz he's probably getting lonely in there.

Don't look at me like that!

Someone had to catch him before he butchered another Halloween movie!!

:)

The "My Other (Totally Non-Offensive!) Blogs" Offensive

2009-09-21T19:29:00.000-06:00

Like most every other blogger out there, I am a deeply multifaceted soul who needs more than one outlet to express each of my, well, facets.

Therefore, I have tons of other blogs which help to keep me busy and to keep the general population a whole lot safer.

Unlike this loser, who obviously has no multifacisity whatsoever, nor an interest in public safety:

OK, actually that was one of my first blogs but I kinda gave up on it when they caught the "real" unabomber because let's face it, droning on and on about Jesus and facism and global elites and communism and how to properly blow things up and blah fucking blah better suits THIS blog anyway.

Along with Rammstein and tacos and running down eco tourists with my monster truck!

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, there are some offensive lines I refuse to cross even here, however, which is why I keep them on my other blogs.

I often resort to using aliases on some of them just so that I can feel free to blog my deepest, darkest, most delicious desires, like the ones you can read about on my Elephantitis of the Scrotum Fetish blog:

Hey, don't give me that look. Just because I use a fake name doesn't mean I use a fake picture! I mean can you imagine me as a 300lb, 50 year old man with a fetish for guys with elephantitis of the scrotum??!

If so, that is just wrong and you need some serious help.

OK, so I do use a fake picture of me on my anti-Nazi blog, but that is only to keep from being unfairly attacked by all the uneducated haters who misunderstand me:

It is too an anti-Nazi blog!

Well, it is now.

That is an old screenshot and those were posts from before I realized that Nazism = facism and before I realized that Rammstein aren't actually gay Nazis. Plus, my Jewish lawyer, Bernie, threatened to sue my ass if I didn't take it down after I sent him a link.

For an Israelite, he has no sense of humor!!

Heh.

Neither do the FBI, who busted down my door like an army of Stormtroopers when they figured out that I was the alter ego behind this innocent little blog:

Believe me, I am just lucky that Jesus had run out of sticky "incense" to sell me before those guys showed up! Otherwise I may have ended up having to use it instead of offering them all blowjobs to get me out of trouble!

OK, I didn't really offer them blowjobs. Instead I just showed them one of my other blogs and when they saw it they immediately realized they were not dealing with the type of person they thought I was:

Noooo, not THAT blog, I mean THIS one:

That's right, that's me.

So now you know the truth.

Oh, and don't try busting my door down all Nazi style either (well unless you are Rammstein, they can do that any day!) because believe me, you'll be sorry.

:)

The "How to Survive Until the World Ends and We All DIE!!!" Offensive

2009-09-17T02:54:00.001-06:00

Despite what the false prophets on Fox News are telling us, we are sinking deeper into a global recession and by the time it is over we all may be picking kernels of half digested corn out of our dead neighbor's overflowing septic tanks just to stay alive!!

Or, you know, just eating our dead neighbors because ew, who likes corn?!

Don't look at me like that, I'm not exaggerating.

You know it's true so unless you are like me you better have a survival plan in place. I don't need one because I have faith in Jesus and when he said he'd be back to save me from starvation and despair (and possibly cannibalism) I believe him:

OK, so he might get decapitated thirty miles south of Nogales but it's all I have so I hold onto my faith that he will return, open his taco truck back up and save me from starvation.

Plus, he'll bestow upon me some "sticky incense" which may not fully repress my cannibalistic fantasies but it will alleviate the pre-Armageddon-waiting-for-the-other-Jesus despair I'll still have after I fill up on tacos.

With extra, extra jalapenos!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, in case you are a Godless, bleeding heart atheist who doesn't believe in Jesus or cannibalism, I thought I'd share some ideas to help keep you from having to eat corn or your neighbor while we wait for His imminent return (and He is returning to smite you whether you like it or not, dammit!).

Ready??

Take notes!!

1. Buy a high end counterfeiting machine to create illegal documents which you present to the local highway and fire departments so that you can legally repossess all of their large vehicles which can then be legally scrapped out to Jesus' cousin Carlos' illegal chop shop for large amounts of cash.

Erm, you may want to take a fire truck operation course first though...

Who knew they were so hard to drive?!!

Of course, you could always just use your high-end counterfeiting machine to create a new identity as well as fake unemployment and disability checks and food stamp coupons but then you'd be an unemployed loser scraping by on food stamps and fake disability payments and take it from me, your self worth will suffer a bit from it....

....until the bank cashes your first check!

Not that I would know.

Moving on!

2. Buy some high tech surveillance equipment (btw, this one is GREAT if you are one of those unemployed losers who is scraping by on food stamps and fake disability payments and have nothing but time on your hands!) and spend your free time hiding out in the police department, court house and local bath house/massage parlor bathrooms and get some good, juicy gossip to sell to local reporters:

Of course when that bitch gets a court order and is forced to reveal her sources you'll be subjected to unthinkable torture at the hands of those baton wielding freaks and the astronomical cost of your yarmulke wearing defense team will most likely bankrupt you in the end but take it from me, it is still a fun way to kill an afternoon while waiting for your fake disability check to arrive!

Finally, if you don't have the balls to attempt my previous suggestions, here is one for even the most bloody of all bleeding hearts:

3. Convert your secret underground Armageddon bunker into a windowless sweat shop, then contact your local foreign exchange student program to request that they send over a Chinese student ASAP (or if those are all taken you can request one from Korea, Taiwan, Bosnia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Peru, or Compton - any one of those will do in a pinch) and add them to your growing workforce of underground slave laborers.

OK, so it might take a few years to get enough of them to be productive enough to make a return on your investment, but hey, this recession isn't going away any time soon!

Plus, believe me, deep down those poor Chinese kids want to be enslaved by us:

See?!

If it makes you feel better you can make them build eco friendly stuff and let them have one bathroom break every 36 hours or something.

Just think, if we all own sweat shops the recession will end sooner and Jesus won't have to return to smite your atheist ass!

:)

The "Consider Yourself Served, Mr. Obama!" Offensive

2009-09-08T22:57:00.002-06:00

I'm sure you would agree that it is only fair that someone should pay for me being dropped on my head as a child so naturally I decided to sue Obama because (a) I'm already getting my dad's vintage collection of beer steins, porno mags and nose hair trimmers when he kicks the bucket and (b) lets face it, there is nothing better than being an American where you have the liberty to sue anyone, including the sitting president.

Even if he is half black!

I know!

God I love this country.

Of course, like you, I had no idea that you could sue the president at all but I had always kind of wondered, and then I allowed myself to have a glimmer of hope, and then I became completely obsessed with the idea and couldn't sleep for 6 days straight thinking of the possibilities and during that time I had an epiphany.

I realized that if I hallucinated about and/or dreamed of it, surely it had crossed our forefather's minds during times of strife and unrest, too, right?

Of course it did:

Hell, I'm sure it has even crossed the minds of more than a few of our non-forefathers over the years as well! Especially ones who embraced the atheistic evil which is communism and suddenly found themselves out of a job thanks us and our God fearing, capitalistic ways:

Heh.

Poor bastards.

Um, NOT!

Hey it's not my fault that they had to go from being in uniform at the Berlin Wall to being in uniform flipping burgers at a Berlin McDonalds. They should have been born in Amerika. Then if they didn't like flipping burgers they could sue the president because just like the song says, it really is wunderbar here!

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, like I was saying, just because my dad was a Navy sailor and came home all liquored up, on Navy sanctioned liquor, why should I carry on completely uncompensated every time I forget where I put the keys, or where I parked the car, or whether I left the stove on, or which of my children is my taco truck guy's bastard child, or whether or not I'm the mother of one of Till Lindemann's many bastard children and if so, would he want me to dress up in a Bavarian beer wench outfit and wait for him to come home from tour so he can...

Argh!!!!

See what I mean?!

I suffer, dammit, and someone should pay for all of this suffering I suffer through so I decided to call up my Jewish lawyer, Bernie, to find out if we could sue Obammie and if so, to get the ball rolling.

It just figures he was out of town which pretty much left me with no other choice:

Yeeeaaah.

I know.

But hey, I got my answer and Ben changed his mind so we're hooking up next week. He can explain what the hell "shvanz" means in person.

:)

The "If I Die Before I Waketh.... (part one)" Offensive

2009-07-22T14:18:00.014-06:00

You can call me paranoid if it makes you feel better, but I know for a fact that "they" are trying to kill me.

I take that back, they aren't trying, they are succeeding.

Soon I shall be dead.

Finitio.

Kaput.

Moi.

Sigh.

Not only that, but those evil bastards are reveling in the fact that it is a slooooooooooooow, painful death and that I am quite cognizant of it and can do nothing to avert the inevitable due to the fact that my own sinful inclinations are responsible for leading me down the path which leads right to the Grim Reaper's doorstep.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking and no, it isn't the Google gestapo or rogue CIA agents who are on Mike Holmes' payroll who are out to get me.

Well, they probably are, but that's not who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the almighty Temple police who decide which of us can practice dentistry successfully, and who can wed a child bride or three, and more importantly, who faces a well dressed firing squad for failure to pay their required 10% (gross wages, not net, mind you!) around here.

They are also the ultimate authority on who can have fun on any given Sunday as well:

I know!!

Who the hell wants beer or wine or premixed margaritas on a Sunday??!

Plus, those signs are on every single Mormon church in my neighborhood and let me tell you, I can't even drive the 1.25 miles to the Idaho Fish & Game & State Sanctioned Liquor Store without seeing at least 127 of them.

Bastards.

Oh, believe me, it used to piss me off soooo much that I couldn't go down to my local Applebee's and get all liquored up on tequila shooters and Goldschlager at 9am on Sunday morning that I'd stay home and get all liquored up on state sanctioned tequila shooters and Goldschlager.

Hooyah!!

Then, since tequila makes me want to get naked, I'd spend alllllllll day protesting in front of the Temple on behalf of all of my unfairly oppressed heathen bretheren:

So what if I had no intention of putting my clothes on, especially if I did get a tequila shooter out of the deal.

Hey, I'll have you know that I sacrificed many a Sunday trying to make a difference in the lives of us non-believers but do you think those frigid Temple goers even noticed me, even when it was 30 below out and my nipples had icicles hanging from them??!!!!!!!

No they did not.

Welllllll, OK, so there was that one perverted dentist who noticed and stared and drooled and took pictures and flashed me back and offered me 10% of his and his children's and grandchildren's and great-grandchildren's future earnings to sleep with him, but still. I mean, he was flattering and all but he had no pull in the Temple whatsoever. Not unless you count extracting the abscessed teeth of those wrinkled, old, 'no fun on Sundays even if you stand outside in -30 degree weather and flash us your nipplecicles Chelle B.!' rulemakers at the top of the Mormon foodchain!!

To top it off, there aren't even any coffee stands in my area, either.

:(

(to be continued... after I get back from the Idaho Fish & Game & State Sanctioned Liquor Store...)

The "Hail to Thee, Camp Islamabad!" Offensive

2009-07-07T15:43:00.001-06:00

Holy hell and Hallelujah! Just when I thought I would have to suicide myself in order to find eternal peace I think I found an answer to my heartfelt ~~prayers~~ threats that I've been making to Allah himself ever since summer began!!

That's right, according to this article, the Taliban is paying top dollar for children as young as 11 to come to Camp Islamabad and let me tell you, with a price tag of $6,000 to $12,000 apiece as an incentive, I am allllllll over that shit!

Yep, my kids are already on the waiting list and their bags are packed so as soon as I remember to take my Ritalin so that I can then remember where I put the car keys and also remember where it is that I dropped them off last, they are on their way for some summer fun in the hot desert sun:

Hooyah!!

Hey, don't give me that look. It is not a selfish act whatsoever to send your bored children off to a suicide bomber camp for the summer!

OK, so maybe it is a bit selfish, but still. Do you know how much it would cost me to send just one of my kids to the local Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp for one measly week of grueling torment?!!

Well, honestly, neither do I, but I bet it is a whole hell of a lot more money than I'm willing to cough up.

Even if it would reform their attitudes and teach them how to survive out in the Rocky Mountains with little more than a compass, a canteen and three or four perverted, skin headed camp counselors dressed in paramilitary garb screaming in their faces and forcing them to do unimaginable things until they beg for mercy and cry for their mommy to save them.

Which I wouldn't.

OK, fine.

You're right!

My kids are evil geniuses like moi so they'll figure out my scheme eventually and they'll definitely want a piece of the pie once they find out that I sold them to the Taliban for enough money to buy a new monster truck.

Dammit, why couldn't I have had retarded children like everyone else????!!!!!!

Ugh.

I mean, chances are they won't be able to escape, but....

....I don't think I can move on with a clear conscience with the thought of them getting all the way to camp and then possibly figuring out a way to chew through the restraints, making it past the armed, turban wearing camp counselors, hijacking a camel to get to a port town to find a cargo vessel, surviving as stowaways in the stifling hot underbelly of the ship with nothing but their own urine to drink, making it past Homeland Security in NY harbor without being mistaken as illegals and deported to Mexico, hitchhiking all the way back to Idaho without becoming a traveling serial killer's latest victim and then managing to bribe the right authorities so they can track me down after I've changed my name, dyed my hair and moved to a new house!

In Amsterdam!

Heh.

That could set a dangerous precedent because not only would they preach at me for being a traitor to my country and for squandering my share of the wealth in the numerous cannabis cafe's of Amsterdam but they will have had plenty of time to plot against me and they might even use their share to hire my Jewish lawyer, Bernie, to sue me for violation of their civil rights and all the back allowance that I'm sure they believe I owe them for all the unpaid slave labor they've done for me over the years!

If I were them and they were me that's what I'd do, at least.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

I think I'll cancel their applications for Camp Islamabad and call the Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp after all.

You know, just to be safe.

:)

The "Emasculation Proclamation" Offensive

2009-06-30T15:05:00.000-06:00

Soooo it's that time of the month again when, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, my thoughts turn from completely innocent, charitable and rather humanitarian things to utterly depraved, inhumane and purely evil things such as: running down annoying eco-tourists with my monster truck, furthering global warming by blowing up Yellowstone so that I'll end up with beach front property and castrating every male entity within a 10,000 mile radius of me.

Including Jesus:

I know! I feel badly about it because I frigging LOVE Jesus!

It's not like I would really do it, though, because for one thing, I am certainly not qualified or certified to do any emasculating without fear of being caught by the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration police, and for another, I like Jesus to be fully intact for our all night confession sessions, but, between you and me, if I were certified and if I did turn Jesus into a soprano eunuch with a couple of well placed snips and a hearty tug, it wouldn't be so bad!

Seriously!

Hey, I've been doing some window shopping and I know where I can get him the perfect pair of fake gonads that he could wear after he healed. Heck, he can have a few pairs since they come in different colors for special occassions:

Personally, I like the shiny silver and gold ones. With those, Jesus can sport some ball bling just for me! And he can wear the blue ones when I'm not around, if ya know what I mean.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, don't worry, I know it is wrong, and I actually thought it was a demon or something making me think such wicked thoughts and I even tried talking to a priest about it but, well, I'm not Catholic so that pretty much backfired on me:

Like I needed some perverted old bastard who wears a dress and only has sex with young boys to confirm what I already knew!

Heh.

He's just damn lucky that my teeth weren't sharp enough to do the job or he'd have been my first victim right then and there, believe me.

Still, it bothers me that I think this way, and I even tried therapy a few times to fix whatever is wrong with me but I guess I pick the wrong therapists or something because it always turns out the same:

Frigging Freudian sissies. They probably have oral fixations and perverted thoughts about their mothers anyway.

Well actually, there was that one therapist with whom I thought I was really making some progress, but then she totally crossed the line of professionalism once she fully comprehended my twisted way of thinking:

Yeeeeeahhhh.

Like I want to start with HER exes when I have plenty of my own who should be at the top of our mass castration list!!

Ugh!!!!!!

Oh well, with the money I saved by firing that crazy bitch I was able to afford to take a vacation far, far, far away from any potential castration victims and just be alone with my nefarious thoughts until that time of the month was over so the world could once again be safe and I could go back to being my sweet, angelic self again.

Of course, instead of doing that, I took the money and enrolled myself in an online class on Emasculation 101.

Yep and I even had enough left over to buy the perfect tool for the job:

By this time next month I'll be a fully certified Emasculator and if the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration cops show up after that, they'll be leaving here singing soprano and won't even be able to write me a ticket or anything!

Now I just need a willing participant or two to practice on before my final exam.

Hmm, I wonder if those Mormon boys are still in the neighborhood....

:)

The "Some Gays Should Stay in the Closet!!" Offensive

2009-06-17T13:00:00.002-06:00

Now before you get your sequined panties in a wad and hit speed dial on the local Idaho Gay Rodeo Association so you can send them over to simultaneously kick my ass and redecorate my boudoir, let me clarify my position:

I am NOT a homophobe.

Gay people do not scare me in the least!

Well, OK, between you and me, I'm pretty sure that Chastity, er, Chaz Bono could flatten me like a pancake with one punch, especially now that the male hormones are kicking in, but that's beside the point. For the most part, I think gay people are rather harmless and a few are even somewhat adorable!

Like these guys:

Don't look at me like that. You didn't know that Elmo ~~is a flaming sodomite who~~ frequents the Continental Baths everytime he is in NYC?! He's still adorable, either way.

So is the Adam Lambert lookalike waiter who serves me pancakes at the local IHOP:

I know! Isn't he as cute as a gerbil at the end of a rainbow leash at the Folsom Street Fair??

Heh.

I bet the IGRA dudes wouldn't mind taking an 8 second ride with him or Anderson Cooper at the 'all you can eat, all night rodeo buffet of love', if ya know what I mean and I bet at least one of them has some 'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads in the top drawer of his Edland nightstand:

Hooyah!

Well, for him.

:/

The problem is, the adorable ones aren't getting as much media attention as the unadorable ones, and I am really frigging tired of seeing these half naked freaks everywhere I turn nowadays:

OK, that last one wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that:

A. He has tits.
B. He has cellulite.

Ughhhh!!!!

Now you tell me, why can't the gay cowboys of the IGRA or Anderson Cooper or Elmo or my Adam Lambert lookalike waiter from the IHOP be on the cover of GQ, or give birth, or get arrested while wearing a woman's bathing suit, instead?!

I mean, I could totally be even more tolerant of them half naked.

Especially the gay cowboys. I'm sure if I called up the IGRA and asked, they would oblige:

Hooyah again!!

(This time for me.)

(Well, and them.)

:/

Oh well, at least I still have Rammstein to look at. They make up for all the half naked gay freaks out there:

They like to pose half naked in flaming sodomitish poses, even though they really aren't gay.

They just fake it.

No, seriously!

Pfft... I bet they don't even own any 'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads, or anything.

:)

The "Mein Campf!!" Offensive

2009-06-03T15:48:00.003-06:00

Now don't be jealous, but I happen to be one of those fortunate ones that you're always reading about in National Geographics who lives in a picture postcard paradise where the air is clean, the trees are green and the little song birds sing all summer long just for ME:

Well, they also sing for about a million tourists who show up here every year just to annoy the fuck out of me.

Stupid, indiscriminate birds!!

:(

To make it worse, over the years, the tourists have morphed from consisting mainly of Euro dorks like this guy who is so consumed with the idea that socks and sandals make him look sexy that he doesn't seem to mind when I pull up to camp in my 35' rolling condo (with a 32" flat panel tv and surround sound)...

...to atheistic, communistic, tree hugging freaks like these who migrate in herds down from Canada and always want to try to make me feel guilty for not being as eco-friendly as them:

Hey, my urine is groovy and organic too!!!

I just refuse to piss in my gas tank.

Cuz that is just sick.

Now, don't get me wrong, they and I do have one thing in common. Despite the fact that I love Jesus with all my heart and body and soul, deep down I, too, love to smoke sticky "incense" and I am a Darwinist at heart.

It's true!! I believe wholeheartedly in survival of the fittest and between you and me, according to the laws of natural selection, all of those hippie bastards should have been exterminated by nature a long frigging time ago! But nooooo, thanks to inventions like Amnesty International and the ACLU and the FDA and polio vaccines, natural selection can not properly do it's job anymore so I'm stuck with their kind flocking to MY backyard every year.

Ugh!!!

To make it worse, they like to get naked and breed out in the open:

I know!!

It's just not natural.

OK, so it is natural, but it's not fair, though. I mean, doesn't it occur to them that maybe I want to leave the comfort of my 35' rolling condo (with a 32" flat panel tv and surround sound) to go out into the woods to get naked and breed out in the open, too? Dammit, I should be allowed to do that without a bunch of atheistic, tree hugging communists watching me!!

Honestly, I perform much better when I'm in front of fully clothed, God-fearing capitalists, anyway.

Heh.

Especially if I know Jesus is watching.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, recently while I was out camping, I ~~nearly ran over~~ ran into this guy, who had somehow gotten cut off from his commie, hippie herd, so I decided to practice a little Darwinism while no witnesses were around to ruin my fun:

That's right, after he offered to get naked and breed with me I kicked his commie, hippie ass and made him cry like a little girl, then used some extra strength super glue and a few rusty nails to keep him out of my way while I harvested his sticky "incense" grove:

Don't look at me like that, you and I both know he'd have been hugging that tree eventually anyway. Plus, maybe if others in his herd see him it will prompt them to piss in their gas tanks and take their commie, hippie asses back up to Canada where they belong.

Then I can enjoy MY backyard.

;)