That's right, and as THE international expert on all things offensive, I'm the only one who decides who is allowed to be on the official "Who is Allowed to be Offended by Christmas" list.

For example, if you are one of those people who insists on dressing your dog up in gay Christmas sweaters, you'd better think twice this year because not only will he be allowed on the list…

…but you will be blackballed since you caused him to be offended in the first place!

Speaking of gay Christmas sweaters, anyone who is forced to witness either man or beast wearing one is on my list and whoever gets a Christmas card from this loser definitely gets a permanent spot near the top:

Yeeahh.

Similarly, anyone who is Jewish and receives this "Happy Hanukkah" Christmas card is also allowed to be certifiably offended by yours truly:

(Unless, of course, you happen to be a Nazi Jewish Christian, then you can forget it! Spots on my list are reserved for only the truly offended, dammit!)

On the other hand, if you happen to be a godless communist Russian and find Santa in full rigor mortis riding next to you on the subway, reeking of vodka, vomit and urine, then you, too, are given a green light to loudly proclaim your offendedness toward all things Christmas because you've earned it:

BUT… if you are one of those types who asks Santa for patently offensive gifts and he finally gets offended and retaliates in the parking lot after his team wins, you are NOT allowed to be offended back (and you aren't allowed to sue for damages later, either!):

Heh.

Everyone knows Santa is a Bills fan anyway, so you'd totally be asking for it.

Anyhoo, I'm sure there are a few others who are allowed to be offended by Christmas and I'll add them to my list, but I know for a fact that YOU are not one of them so in case you were hoping to come here and get approval, well… all I can say is get over yourself and find something better to be offended over.

Hey, if I can do it then I'm sure you can find a worthier cause or two, right?