The Offended Blogger

The "Hail to Thee, Camp Islamabad!" Offensive

2009-07-07T15:43:00.001-06:00

Holy hell and Hallelujah! Just when I thought I would have to suicide myself in order to find eternal peace I think I found an answer to my heartfelt ~~prayers~~ threats that I've been making to Allah himself ever since summer began!!

That's right, according to this article, the Taliban is paying top dollar for children as young as 11 to come to Camp Islamabad and let me tell you, with a price tag of $6,000 to $12,000 apiece as an incentive, I am allllllll over that shit!

Yep, my kids are already on the waiting list and their bags are packed so as soon as I remember to take my Ritalin so that I can then remember where I put the car keys and also remember where it is that I dropped them off last, they are on their way for some summer fun in the hot desert sun:

Hooyah!!

Hey, don't give me that look. It is not a selfish act whatsoever to send your bored children off to a suicide bomber camp for the summer!

OK, so maybe it is a bit selfish, but still. Do you know how much it would cost me to send just one of my kids to the local Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp for one measly week of grueling torment?!!

Well, honestly, neither do I, but I bet it is a whole hell of a lot more money than I'm willing to cough up.

Even if it would reform their attitudes and teach them how to survive out in the Rocky Mountains with little more than a compass, a canteen and three or four perverted, skin headed camp counselors dressed in paramilitary garb screaming in their faces and forcing them to do unimaginable things until they beg for mercy and cry for their mommy to save them.

Which I wouldn't.

OK, fine.

You're right!

My kids are evil geniuses like moi so they'll figure out my scheme eventually and they'll definitely want a piece of the pie once they find out that I sold them to the Taliban for enough money to buy a new monster truck.

Dammit, why couldn't I have had retarded children like everyone else????!!!!!!

Ugh.

I mean, chances are they won't be able to escape, but....

....I don't think I can move on with a clear conscience with the thought of them getting all the way to camp and then possibly figuring out a way to chew through the restraints, making it past the armed, turban wearing camp counselors, hijacking a camel to get to a port town to find a cargo vessel, surviving as stowaways in the stifling hot underbelly of the ship with nothing but their own urine to drink, making it past Homeland Security in NY harbor without being mistaken as illegals and deported to Mexico, hitchhiking all the way back to Idaho without becoming a traveling serial killer's latest victim and then managing to bribe the right authorities so they can track me down after I've changed my name, dyed my hair and moved to a new house!

In Amsterdam!

Heh.

That could set a dangerous precedent because not only would they preach at me for being a traitor to my country and for squandering my share of the wealth in the numerous cannabis cafe's of Amsterdam but they will have had plenty of time to plot against me and they might even use their share to hire my Jewish lawyer, Bernie, to sue me for violation of their civil rights and all the back allowance that I'm sure they believe I owe them for all the unpaid slave labor they've done for me over the years!

If I were them and they were me that's what I'd do, at least.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

I think I'll cancel their applications for Camp Islamabad and call the Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp after all.

You know, just to be safe.

:)

The "Emasculation Proclamation" Offensive

2009-06-30T15:05:00.000-06:00

Soooo it's that time of the month again when, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, my thoughts turn from completely innocent, charitable and rather humanitarian things to utterly depraved, inhumane and purely evil things such as: running down annoying eco-tourists with my monster truck, furthering global warming by blowing up Yellowstone so that I'll end up with beach front property and castrating every male entity within a 10,000 mile radius of me.

Including Jesus:

I know! I feel badly about it because I frigging LOVE Jesus!

It's not like I would really do it, though, because for one thing, I am certainly not qualified or certified to do any emasculating without fear of being caught by the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration police, and for another, I like Jesus to be fully intact for our all night confession sessions, but, between you and me, if I were certified and if I did turn Jesus into a soprano eunuch with a couple of well placed snips and a hearty tug, it wouldn't be so bad!

Seriously!

Hey, I've been doing some window shopping and I know where I can get him the perfect pair of fake gonads that he could wear after he healed. Heck, he can have a few pairs since they come in different colors for special occassions:

Personally, I like the shiny silver and gold ones. With those, Jesus can sport some ball bling just for me! And he can wear the blue ones when I'm not around, if ya know what I mean.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, don't worry, I know it is wrong, and I actually thought it was a demon or something making me think such wicked thoughts and I even tried talking to a priest about it but, well, I'm not Catholic so that pretty much backfired on me:

Like I needed some perverted old bastard who wears a dress and only has sex with young boys to confirm what I already knew!

Heh.

He's just damn lucky that my teeth weren't sharp enough to do the job or he'd have been my first victim right then and there, believe me.

Still, it bothers me that I think this way, and I even tried therapy a few times to fix whatever is wrong with me but I guess I pick the wrong therapists or something because it always turns out the same:

Frigging Freudian sissies. They probably have oral fixations and perverted thoughts about their mothers anyway.

Well actually, there was that one therapist with whom I thought I was really making some progress, but then she totally crossed the line of professionalism once she fully comprehended my twisted way of thinking:

Yeeeeeahhhh.

Like I want to start with HER exes when I have plenty of my own who should be at the top of our mass castration list!!

Ugh!!!!!!

Oh well, with the money I saved by firing that crazy bitch I was able to afford to take a vacation far, far, far away from any potential castration victims and just be alone with my nefarious thoughts until that time of the month was over so the world could once again be safe and I could go back to being my sweet, angelic self again.

Of course, instead of doing that, I took the money and enrolled myself in an online class on Emasculation 101.

Yep and I even had enough left over to buy the perfect tool for the job:

By this time next month I'll be a fully certified Emasculator and if the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration cops show up after that, they'll be leaving here singing soprano and won't even be able to write me a ticket or anything!

Now I just need a willing participant or two to practice on before my final exam.

Hmm, I wonder if those Mormon boys are still in the neighborhood....

:)

The "Some Gays Should Stay in the Closet!!" Offensive

2009-06-17T13:00:00.002-06:00

Now before you get your sequined panties in a wad and hit speed dial on the local Idaho Gay Rodeo Association so you can send them over to simultaneously kick my ass and redecorate my boudoir, let me clarify my position:

I am NOT a homophobe.

Gay people do not scare me in the least!

Well, OK, between you and me, I'm pretty sure that Chastity, er, Chaz Bono could flatten me like a pancake with one punch, especially now that the male hormones are kicking in, but that's beside the point. For the most part, I think gay people are rather harmless and a few are even somewhat adorable!

Like these guys:

Don't look at me like that. You didn't know that Elmo ~~is a flaming sodomite who~~ frequents the Continental Baths everytime he is in NYC?! He's still adorable, either way.

So is the Adam Lambert lookalike waiter who serves me pancakes at the local IHOP:

I know! Isn't he as cute as a gerbil at the end of a rainbow leash at the Folsom Street Fair??

Heh.

I bet the IGRA dudes wouldn't mind taking an 8 second ride with him or Anderson Cooper at the 'all you can eat, all night rodeo buffet of love', if ya know what I mean and I bet at least one of them has some 'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads in the top drawer of his Edland nightstand:

Hooyah!

Well, for him.

:/

The problem is, the adorable ones aren't getting as much media attention as the unadorable ones, and I am really frigging tired of seeing these half naked freaks everywhere I turn nowadays:

OK, that last one wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that:

A. He has tits.
B. He has cellulite.

Ughhhh!!!!

Now you tell me, why can't the gay cowboys of the IGRA or Anderson Cooper or Elmo or my Adam Lambert lookalike waiter from the IHOP be on the cover of GQ, or give birth, or get arrested while wearing a woman's bathing suit, instead?!

I mean, I could totally be even more tolerant of them half naked.

Especially the gay cowboys. I'm sure if I called up the IGRA and asked, they would oblige:

Hooyah again!!

(This time for me.)

(Well, and them.)

:/

Oh well, at least I still have Rammstein to look at. They make up for all the half naked gay freaks out there:

They like to pose half naked in flaming sodomitish poses, even though they really aren't gay.

They just fake it.

No, seriously!

Pfft... I bet they don't even own any 'Tickle Me Elmo' anal beads, or anything.

:)

The "Mein Campf!!" Offensive

2009-06-03T15:48:00.003-06:00

Now don't be jealous, but I happen to be one of those fortunate ones that you're always reading about in National Geographics who lives in a picture postcard paradise where the air is clean, the trees are green and the little song birds sing all summer long just for ME:

Well, they also sing for about a million tourists who show up here every year just to annoy the fuck out of me.

Stupid, indiscriminate birds!!

:(

To make it worse, over the years, the tourists have morphed from consisting mainly of Euro dorks like this guy who is so consumed with the idea that socks and sandals make him look sexy that he doesn't seem to mind when I pull up to camp in my 35' rolling condo (with a 32" flat panel tv and surround sound)...

...to atheistic, communistic, tree hugging freaks like these who migrate in herds down from Canada and always want to try to make me feel guilty for not being as eco-friendly as them:

Hey, my urine is groovy and organic too!!!

I just refuse to piss in my gas tank.

Cuz that is just sick.

Now, don't get me wrong, they and I do have one thing in common. Despite the fact that I love Jesus with all my heart and body and soul, deep down I, too, love to smoke sticky "incense" and I am a Darwinist at heart.

It's true!! I believe wholeheartedly in survival of the fittest and between you and me, according to the laws of natural selection, all of those hippie bastards should have been exterminated by nature a long frigging time ago! But nooooo, thanks to inventions like Amnesty International and the ACLU and the FDA and polio vaccines, natural selection can not properly do it's job anymore so I'm stuck with their kind flocking to MY backyard every year.

Ugh!!!

To make it worse, they like to get naked and breed out in the open:

I know!!

It's just not natural.

OK, so it is natural, but it's not fair, though. I mean, doesn't it occur to them that maybe I want to leave the comfort of my 35' rolling condo (with a 32" flat panel tv and surround sound) to go out into the woods to get naked and breed out in the open, too? Dammit, I should be allowed to do that without a bunch of atheistic, tree hugging communists watching me!!

Honestly, I perform much better when I'm in front of fully clothed, God-fearing capitalists, anyway.

Heh.

Especially if I know Jesus is watching.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, recently while I was out camping, I ~~nearly ran over~~ ran into this guy, who had somehow gotten cut off from his commie, hippie herd, so I decided to practice a little Darwinism while no witnesses were around to ruin my fun:

That's right, after he offered to get naked and breed with me I kicked his commie, hippie ass and made him cry like a little girl, then used some extra strength super glue and a few rusty nails to keep him out of my way while I harvested his sticky "incense" grove:

Don't look at me like that, you and I both know he'd have been hugging that tree eventually anyway. Plus, maybe if others in his herd see him it will prompt them to piss in their gas tanks and take their commie, hippie asses back up to Canada where they belong.

Then I can enjoy MY backyard.

;)

The "I am Smarter and You are Going to Hell!" Offensive

2009-05-26T22:30:00.003-06:00

No offense, but I can't help it that that's how I think, because I'm an INTJ and it's how we roll.

OK, I know what you're thinking and no, INTJ does NOT stand for "Incredibly Narcissistic Troublemaking Jesuslover"!!

Well, I suppose it could in my case, because I am all of those, but that's beside the point. Or is it besides the point?

Hmmm....

Anyhoo, the point is, I took this fancy psycho babble test a while back, mostly because it popped up while I was watching rodeo clown porn, so I clicked it during intermission to amuse myself, and lo and behold!

Yep, it told me what I already know - that I am a cold, calculating vixen who does not cry at movies (especially those annoying sappy ones like Titanic, or Schindler's List, or Saving Private Ryan) because I prefer more Intellectual fare like Silence of the Lambs or Hannibal or the Antiques Roadshow or Future Weapons or Forensic Files or...

It also means that I iNtuitively know who the biggest asshole scammer from Nigeria in the room is and it pretty much guarantees that I'll spend my entire life Thinking up methods of acquiring the weapons of mass domination, much like my fellow INTJ'ers who I've listed here (especially the ones in BOLD):

(these are actual INTJ people)

* Angela Lansbury - actress (Murder, She Wrote)
* Arnold Schwarzenegger - actor, Governor of California
* Arthur Ashe - tennis champion
* Augustus Caesar - Roman Emperor
* C. Everett Koop - former U.S. Surgeon General
* C. S. Lewis - apologist, author (The Chronicles of Narnia)
* Calvin Coolidge - American President
* Charles Rangel - politician, decorated war veteran
* Chester A. Arthur - lawyer, American President
* Chevy Chase - actor, comedian
* Dan Akroyd - actor, comedian, musician
* Donald Rumsfeld - former U.S. Secretary of Defense
* Dwight D. Eisenhower - American President
* Edwin Moses - Olympic gold medalist
* General Colin Powell - former U.S. Secretary of State
* Greg Gumbel - TV sportscaster
* Hannibal Barca - Military Commander
* Ivan Lendl - tennis champion
* James K. Polk - American President
* Jane Austen - author (Pride and Prejudice)
* Joan Lunden - Journalist
* Josephine Tey - English author
* Katie Couric - journalist
* Lance Armstrong - cyclist (seven Tour De France wins)
* Maria Shriver - journalist, wife to Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Martina Navratilova - tennis champion
* Michael Dukakis - former Governor of Massachusetts
* Orel Hershiser - baseball player (pitcher)
* Pernell Roberts - actor, activist
* Peter Jennings - journalist
* Raymond Burr - actor (Perry Mason), vintner
* Rudy Giuliani - former New York City mayor
* Sir Isaac Newton - Astronomer
* Susan B. Anthony - civil rights leader
* Thomas Jefferson - American President
* Veronica Hamel - actress
* William F. Buckley, Jr. - journalist
* William J. Bennett - politician
* Woodrow Wilson - American President
* General Ulysses S. Grant – Union general, American President
* Friederich Nietzsche – philosopher
* Niels Bohr – physicist
* Peter the Great – Russian tsar
* Stephen Hawking – astrophysicist
* John Maynard Keynes –
* Lise Meitner – chemist
* Ayn Rand – philosopher, author
* John F. Nash Jr. – mathematician, game theorist
* Norbert Wiener – mathematician, founder of cybernetics
* Nikola Tesla – physicist, engineer, inventor
* Glenn Gould – Canadian pianist and composer
* Stanley Kubrick – film director (2001: A Space Odyssey)
* Jean-Paul Sartre – philosopher
* Erik Satie – composer, pianist
* Helmuth von Moltke – German military general
* Isaac Asimov – biochemist, science-fiction author (I Robot)
* Theodore Kaczynski – infamous “Unabomber”
* Lewis Carroll – author, logician, mathematician
* Franz Kafka – author

(these are fake INTJ people)

* Calvin – Calvin and Hobbes
* Cassius – The Tragedy of Julius Caesar
* Clarice Starling - Silence of the Lambs
* Batman – Batman Begins
* Dexter – Dexter’s Laboratory
* Dr. Jonathan Crane - Batman Begins
* Dr. Otto Octavius (Doc Ock) - Spiderman 2
* Ellen Ripley - Alien
* Ensign Ro Laren - Star Trek: The Next Generation
* Ernst Stavro Blofeld - James Bond
* Gandalf - Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit
* George Smiley - John Le Carr character
* Hannibal Lecter - Silence of the Lambs
* Jigsaw – Saw films
* Marsellus Wallace - Pulp Fiction
* Michael Corleone - Godfather
* Mr. Burns - The Simpsons
* Mr. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice
* O-Ren Ishii - Kill Bill Vol. 1
* Phileas Fogg – Around the World in Eight Days (novel and film adaptations)
* Professor Moriarty - Sherlock Holmes antagonist
* Sherlock Holmes
* Reed Richards – the Fantastic Four
* Stewie Griffin - Family Guy
* Tom Hagen – Godfather
* V - V for Vendetta
* Vicious - Cowboy Bebop
* Victor von Frankenstein
* Vito Corleone – Godfather
* Willy Wonka – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I know, they are all like me!! Especially that psycho bastard, Norbert Wiener.

How cool is that??!!

Oh! Being INTJ also means that I prefer to hang out alone in my secret, underground, Armageddon bunker and spend hours thinking about how I just know that everyone is beyond salvation and doomed to hell where they will fry like crispy bacon for all of eternity due to their moral corruption and failure to live up to my great expectations, regardless of what God himself thinks.

Well, except for me, of course.

I'm going to live in heaven for all eternity because not only do I live up to my expectations, but I exceed them!

Plus, no offense, but I love Jesus WAY frigging more than you do.

Way.

More.

More often, too, and in a wide variety of morally compromising positions.

Hooyah!!

It's true!

Just ask him:

See??

Now, if you are thinking to yourself, "Damn, Chelle B., that sounds just like me except my taco truck guy is named Pedro - we could be fraternal twins!" then I'd have to say that you are probably wrong because no one is like moi so get over yourself, loser!!

OR, you, too, are, indeed, an INTJ, and we can plot world domination together!!

Yay!

Otherwise you are probably one of those other people who cry at movies and fall for Nigerian scammers and like to hang out in large groups (much like lemmings do) and want to join the UN and hug trees and save humanity and deprive me of my God-given right to use my secret, underground, Armageddon bunker to its full potential (urgh!!!!!!!!) and because of this are doomed to hell for all eternity to fry like a piece of non-INTJ bacon!!!!!

Sorry, I don't mean to Judge.

You can click here and find out if you'd like.

If you are an INTJ, I mean.

Heh.

I already know you're going to burn in hell!!

Duh.

:)

The "I Am a High Maintenance Bitch (but it isn't my fault!)" Offensive

2009-05-25T18:22:00.007-06:00

It all started when I let the hubs rub me down from head to toe with coconut flavored erotic oil on our first date. Then, I let him paint my naked toenails a deep shade of crimson red on our second date. Then, he helped to put pin curls in my hair and cinch my leather dominatrix corset up tight on our third date. Then, naturally, he offered, nay, begged me to let him help me shave my nether regions and sculpt my landing strip into a heart shape with an arrow through it (hooyah!) during our fourth date.

To him, it was all foreplay.

To me, it was an evil genius plan in the making.

Slowly, over the years it has evolved into this:

Yep, and now he has added a full service spa onto the house and hired a whole team of incredibly gorgeous (not gay!) Swedish men to loofah and pumice and massage me ALL DAY LONG while he is at work, and then he comes home and takes over.

Of course, I pay him back with mind blowing sex just so he still thinks it is all foreplay.

Don't look at me like that.

I can't help it that I am an evil genius!

;)

The "I Don't Need Jesus, I Have a Vibrating Zucchini!" Offensive

2009-05-22T01:49:00.006-06:00

Ha! I not only won the coveted Zucchini award over at Da Old Man's place, but I am the first EVER to win the exclusive, deluxe, vibrating version! Yep, it was made just for me because, well, apparently my entry into the caption contest was so offensive that Da Old Man thinks I am a pervert and assumes I would enjoy a vibrating trio of phallus shaped edibles.

He's right, too.

Hooyah!!

OK, so technically I am the one who turned it into an exclusive, deluxe, vibrating version but I'm pretty sure Da Old Man would approve.

Feast your eyes on this bad boy:

No, you can't borrow it!

I'm spending all weekend holed up in the bunker with it since the hubs is out of town and Jesus had to drive the taco truck down to Tijuana to restock with sticky "incense" before the tourist rush starts next week.

Mmmmmmmm, zucchini.

:)

The "Holy Hell, I'm Surrounded by Meatheads and Dingbats!" Offensive

2009-05-19T23:46:00.003-06:00

Imagine my surprise when I realized that not only am I a minority in a sea of "M" words (see my last post because I'm too distraught to even link it, let alone spell out what the "M" words are), but now I find out that I'm also completely alone and alienated on the front page of Google!!

I know.

Oh, sure, I'm still hanging in there in the top 10 overall for "offended" on Google search, and I still own the top spot for extreme sodomy AND for self testicle torture (hooyah! and yes, I DO Google myself regularly, sometimes multiple times a day - they say it will help me live longer so don't judge!) but believe me, sitting at #6 for "offended" just doesn't make me feel as warm and fuzzy as it should or could when I look at who I'm surrounded by:

Ugh.

I guess it could be worse, it could be the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence on top of me and NMBLA under me, or vice versa, but holy hell, I still feel just like Archie Bunker!!!!!!!!!

Well, you know, except I'm blond.

....with blue eyes.

...and larger breasts.

OK, maybe not that last part.

Hey, I do love Jesus more than he did at least!!

I'd let him be on top.

Ohhhh yeahhh.

;)

The "Being a Minority isn't as Fun as it Looks!!" Offensive

2009-05-18T13:48:00.016-06:00

You know, as a blond, white, middle class female (who looks like a Nazi's wet dream) living in Idaho, I have a lot of sympathy for minorities. Why? Well, because I know what it is like to be a minority and let me tell you, despite what the ACLU says, it is no fun at all!

Nope, no fun.

At all.

In fact, it downright sucks sometimes and I almost wish that I wasn't a blond, white, middle class female (who looks like a Nazi's wet dream) living in Idaho. I mean just look at this map of where I live and you'll understand:

Note that to the Mormons (red dots), we all look alike (green and yellow dots)!

Ugh.

Believe me, I try to fit in with the Mormons and Mexicans, but it just isn't easy! Especially since I have no sacred underwear and I don't know the secret Mormon handshake, and I don't have a Temple issued card to flash in order to get discount dental care, and well, let's face it, my Spanish is less than perfect, too.

Just ask Jesus:

:(

Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!!

Just to give you a better understanding of how rough I have it, and just so you'll feel even MORE sorry for me, here is a screenshot of exactly how many Mormons live within a 500 mile radius of me:

OK, well technically that is just the number of Mormon churches and temples within 500 miles of West Yellowstone, which is a bit north of me, but that shows you just what will happen if Yellowstone explodes and all of those pointy things on top of their church come reigning down upon the rest of you:

Yeah, I'd be scared too!

Lucky for me, I'll be dead within .000000009 seconds of when Yellowstone explodes.

:)

Don't be jealous! Remember, I live in Mormon hell so I still have it rough here, dammit!!

Those numbers up there are pretty close to the statistics for my part of Idaho and that doesn't take into account all of the dental offices run by Mormons (because for some reason all of them around here are fucking dentists but do you think they lower their prices for Goyim like moi? Oh hell no!!) but still, that is a LOT of Mormons nonetheless, and admit it, even though they, too, look like Nazi's wet dreams, and it is virtually impossible to distinguish me from them, you'd feel small and insignificant in comparison, too, right?

Right!

And of course, they have to have imported slave labor to clean all of these churches, temples, and dentist offices, so this shows you exactly how many Mexicans live within a 500 mile radius of me:

OK, so technically that is just the number of Mexican restaurants and taco trucks within 500 miles of me, but as you can see, I am not lacking in the least for choices of where to buy my next yummy lunch consisting of tacos with extra, extra jalapenos!

Of course, I only hit Jesus's taco truck, because along with killer tacos, he hooks me up with sticky, imported "incense" which has a soothing aroma and keeps me happy and glossy eyed and completely distracted from the reality of my grim situation.

Plus, he sells it to me at a discount when I flash my erm, ya know... ~~taco truck discount card~~ tits.

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, as much as I love Jesus and his sticky, imported "incense", sometimes I just wish that I could be with my own kind because it gets quite lonely here in Idaho knowing that there are so few of, well, me around to relate to:

OK, well, at least within a 500 mile radius of me. There might be another one of me at mile marker 503 or something, but I probably wouldn't like that bitch anyway!

Heh.

I know me, and I can be quite mean and difficult to get along with!

Anyhoo, so lately I've quit trying to fit in and I've decided to just accept my fate and live out my life here in paradise, under the lovely Grand Tetons which stare down at my lonely self, hoping that there is a God and that when I get to heaven it will be full of people JUST LIKE ME.

I know, that sounds racist, but it isn't my fault! I blame Google and Yellowpages dot com for shoving these demographics in my face. If it wasn't for them, we'd all look the same to me here and I'd never know that I was so alone.

Well, ya know... except for all the Mormon churches and taco trucks all around me.

And the fact that I am white...

...with blond hair.

...and blue eyes.

Oh yeah, and my Spanish sucks.

:)

The "My Shaving Cream is a Lawsuit Waiting to Happen!!!!" Offensive

2009-05-15T16:00:00.002-06:00

No offense, but doesn't Barbasol know that some people are just too damn dumb and need more thorough instructions for dangerous tasks which may leave a person maimed for life??

Tasks such as applying shaving cream which, if done improperly, could take an eye out!

These are the exact instructions on my very own can of raspberry flavored Pure Silk Moisturizing Shave Cream (for women):

"Wet skin with warm water, leave wet. Shake can and hold upright. Press top to release lather."

Yeah.

I know.

Now *I* am smart enough to figure out that after I shake the can and hold it upright I am supposed to aim the nozzle into my little hand and fill it with foamy, raspberry goodness before slathering it all over my hairy parts, rather than staring at it and shooting the white gooey stuff in my eyeball, but what about the rest of society?

I mean, let's face it, we all know that the world is full of people like this guy:

Honestly, if he can't even read the "for women" part on the can before he buys it....

;)

The "Can You Retire Early During a Recession? You Bet!" Offensive

2009-05-11T23:45:00.003-06:00

No job security? Is your boss an asshole? Did you lose roughly 83.7% of your 401k and are convinced that you can't retire at all now, let alone early? Well do I have good news for you! Not only can you retire early, but if you do what I did, you'll be able to retire better than Bernie Madoff would have if his Ponzi scheme hadn't failed.

That's right!!

It is easier than you think and it actually helps if you work for a fortune 500 company under a boss who is a prime candidate for Bellevue's long term, inpatient anger management/electroshock program.

Just follow these simple steps and you can be sailing through this shitty economy like yours truly:

Step One - pretend you are attempting some good old fashioned humor on your asshole boss, just to catch him off guard. On your way to work, stop over at the local dog park for a little 'treat' for his office.

Place it strategically, either on the floor, in his chair, or as a replacement for the chocolate creme filling in his mid-morning eclair:

Step Two - spread an office rumor that the two of you have been having a torrid affair for the last six months, and then say that you wanted to marry him but he dumped you in order to spend all of his free time surfing internet clown porn.

Make it look official by showing up to work on your day off, unkempt and reeking of cheap wine and vomit. Make a spectacle of yourself in the parking lot, preferably near his car:

Step Three - let him overhear you calling his bosses to report that you think he has been skimming from his expense account to pay for live donkey shows in his office after hours.

Then, call the FBI and the IRS to report that you have uncovered evidence that your boss is laundering money for a Mexican drug cartel:

Step Four - sneak into his house and drug his wife, then hire a professional hooker to take her place at the next office function.

Pay extra for someone who looks like a trashy version of his actual wife:

Step Five - wait until it is just the two of you alone after hours, working on a big project. "Accidentally" take your top off and offer him sexual favors in exchange for a raise and some kindness. Act all hot and bothered while he simultaneously clears his desk with one hand and uses the other to unzip his fly, then spray him in the eyes with mace and use your stun gun on his exposed balls until he loses consciousness.

When he wakes up, pretend nothing happened and offer him an even filthier sexual favor:

By now, if you've followed these steps correctly, the poor bastard is probably considering (a) following you home so that he can ram your car into a ditch, abduct you and then take you out to a deserted road where he will have his way with you before slowly strangling the life out of you, or, (b) obtaining a high caliber, semi-automatic weapon with which to kill you and every other ungrateful employee under his command before turning it on himself. This will likely happen just as the S.W.A.T team's hostage negotiator shows up to talk him out of "doing something he'll regret".

Either way, as long as you can somehow survive either of these scenarios, you are practically guaranteed to have a multi-million dollar law suit against your company, which will leave you set for life!

Oh yes! I almost forgot:

Step Six - GET A GOOD JEWISH LAWYER! He won't let you just settle out of court! Take it from Bernie, even if it takes YEARS... it is well worth the payoff.

Well, mostly for your lawyer, but you'll do alright, too.

:)

The "Recession & Swine Flu Proof Beauty Treatments" Offensive

2009-05-06T22:30:00.010-06:00

Given the state of the economy and the impending mass extinction of the human race from swine flu, it is really hard for a modern woman to focus on what is most important: her looks!!

That's right, even with Armageddon just around the corner, believe it or not, most of us who are not of the penile persuasion (and a few who are) place personal esthetics WAY above frivolous things like economics or epidemics or the thundering hoofbeats of the other two horsemen of the Apocalypse.

To put it bluntly, we could really give a shit less if the stock market plunges into the abyss, or if the dollar loses all value, or if all the banks and car dealers and kosher sushi delis from Frisco to Hackensack close up shop, never to return.

We don't care if there isn't enough food, or clean water, or if nuclear war breaks out on every continent.

We don't even really care if every poor bastard with a compromised immune system within a 10,000 mile radius of us drops dead from swine flu, bird flu or the spotted, duck billed platypus flu.

That's right!

WE DON'T CARE.

We just want to look pretty.

And let's face it, as mankind hurls itself toward certain death and destruction, you want us to look pretty, too!

Because you are as vain as we are.

So then, since not all of us can afford to have our flaws ironed, stretched or chemically peeled away like our favorite celebrities, Fox newscasters, or politician's Craigslist mistresses.....

....we have to resort to other means.

Yep, desperate times call for desperate measures and right now we have to do what we can to stay looking young and pretty using things that are just lying around the kitchen, garage and under the bathroom sink.

Lucky for us, there are some former celebrities who are willing to share their own home beauty secrets.

Take whatshername, who hasn't worked since that last made-for-Encore, soft core porn flick she did back in '97.

Last night on QVC, she was demonstrating how to quickly go from pasty to golden brown in just seconds using a tool we probably all have handy:

Surely you have a blowtorch just lying around like I do, right?

Right!!

Now, I know what you're thinking, but don't worry! I tried it and it only hurts until all of the epidermal nerves are damaged beyond repair, then you don't feel a thing!

According to helpmeiburnedmyskinoff.com, the outer layer will crust up and peel off within a week or two, revealing a lovely golden layer beneath it which will look and feel just like new skin!

In fact, it WILL be new skin.

Hooyah!

Of course, to accelerate the process, you could opt to use a grinder. I'm sure you have one of those handy, too, right?

Noooooo, not one of these grinders:

Not even one of these grinders (although I'm sure you'll agree that these are handy as hell!):

I mean, one of THESE grinders:

See?!

I knew you'd remember when your devoted husband bought you one of those last Mother's Day!

And you thought he was just being a selfish prick, didn't you?!

Well, let me tell you, he did you a favor because that, my friend, when used correctly, will produce results that rival even the highest end, cut rate, back alley, Brazilian plastic surgeon's top beauty treatment:

Heh.

If only that rich bitch knew about my cost-saving beauty ideas, she could have saved enough money to have a full body tan, glowing new skin AND a brand new head of hair!!

That's right, and I don't mean a wig, or hair extensions, either. We all know that those cost a small fortune!!

No, instead, for a fraction of the cost of a Hanna Montana wig from the dollar store, I can hook you up with my cousin, Chocktaw, who is in the black market Injun scalp trade:

Believe me, he only sells quality scalps, too. All of them are taken from young Asian girls who have been smuggled into the country as sex slaves.

Don't look at me like that. What did you think they do with them once they turn 18?!

Hell, for an extra $50 he'll even tan the scalp's hide for you so it will last longer.

Of course, if you are one of those who has been hit hardest by the economy and had to pawn all of your blowtorches and metal grinders and such, or if you already have one foot in the grave because you went down to Mexico and caught the swine flu cooties while making sand devils with a third world cabana boy, you may just want to consider an alternative to all of the above prescribed beauty treatments and go with the good old, time tested standby:

Like I said, desperate times....

.....you do have those in your medicine chest, I hope??

Hey, don't laugh, it worked for her:

;)

The "Swine Flu Virus Breeds Racism!" Offensive

2009-05-05T01:00:00.003-06:00

Well, it was bound to happen. With this whole 'swine flu hysteria' going on out there, I just knew it wouldn't be long until racism raised it's ugly head and guess what?

Yep.

That's right.

Of all places, its ugly head reared itself first right here in Idaho!!

I know.

You would think it would have picked an uglier place than this!!!

Between you and me, I blame Jesus.

Really, if he hadn't called us all 'white devils' and threatened to pack up his taco truck and leave town for good, I wouldn't even be telling you about this or considering calling up my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer, Bernie, to defend me from such vile hate speech!!

Honestly, just because his loyal customers demanded that him and his truck be certified "Swine Flu Free" and held in quarantine for 90 days by the Idaho Fish & Game & Border Patrol doesn't give him the right to cross the line.

Well actually, now that I think of it, it wasn't until after he came out of quarantine and found that some of us plastered these swine flu awareness posters all over town that he got all racist on us:

Actually, come to think of it, he wasn't really pissed at those, either. Probably only because he couldn't read them since they weren't bilingual, but hey, he knows my philosophy on people who come here and don't "speak the English" so what does expect?!!

He sure the hell can't expect ME to translate them.

Hmmm.

You know, he really wasn't even mad or spewing hate speech, when, after getting certified and quarantined, some of us still refused to buy tacos (at least not until we saw him wash his hands with Izal's just so we knew he wasn't carrying the pig cooties!):

Heh.

Don't ge me wrong, I do love Jesus and his tacos are to die for, but holy hell, this is a GLOBAL PANDEMIC OF MASS PROPORTIONS we are dealing with here and since the good die young, I'm definitely still too young to go!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, NOW I remember what set Jesus off and how this all turned ugly and why he called us white devils and threatened to flee back to Mexico with his taco truck!!

It was when he found out that the guy who runs the local Golden Chopsticks Sushi Bar & Massage Parlor decided to turn kosher on us just to keep from being forced into quarantine by the Idaho Fish & Game & Border Patrol:

I know, what a loser, huh?

I kinda don't blame Jesus for being bothered by it all. I bet that is a fake holocaust tattoo, too.

Heh.

It's probably his phone number and I bet he put it there because he thinks he will score with all the hot local Jewish chicks but I have news for him, there aren't any!!

That's right, because Idaho is not kosher.

Well, unless you count Bernie, my lawyer.

:)

The "Pollution Helps Trees Grow, Science Says So!!" Offensive

2009-04-29T01:36:00.003-06:00

I can honestly say that there are few times when I am left nearly speechless by a news article, but this is one of those rare occasions. Behold the screenshot to your left and read the article here. In the meantime, I am off to fill up my monster truck and do my part to keep Idaho green.

Hooyah!!!

:)

The "Wanda Has a Penis Meme" Offensive

2009-04-27T00:07:00.006-06:00

Yay! Today is my turn to contribute to the Humor Bloggers dot com story meme! What is it, you ask? It is the brainchild of one of our funniest Humor Bloggers, Spaz. Each contributing member adds a paragraph or two to the story and given the fact that Spaz is as sick and twisted as they come, it is sure to delight and offend the masses. So sit back and enjoy the ride! Our story begins when the lovely, well stacked Wanda discovers she has a penis....

(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn't her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.

(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn't just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldahyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman's terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she'd thought many times before, but never said aloud.

"It's smaller than I thought it would be."

(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.

Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its' stem wrapped in a napkin with the message

'♥ from Your Secret Admirer ♥'

written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she'd had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.

(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn't trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.

She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.

Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.

Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states....

Next up is Amy Oops to continue the story!

The "Happy B-Day Vince, I DO Love Your Nuts!" Offensive

2009-04-25T00:15:00.009-06:00

Today is that fast talking, slap-chopping, hooker slapping, ShamWowing, Vince "you'll love my Israeli nuts!" Shlomi's birthday and I wanted to take a moment to tell Vince "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and also pay homage to his nuts because he was right, even though I didn't want to, I do love them!

Come on now, don't be jealous! Even though this is his special day, you are more than welcome to join in with me in declaring your love of his nuts, too.

Don't look at me like that.

It doesn't make you less of a man (if you happen to be of the penile persuasion) to love, or have a school girl crush on, another man's nuts.

I mean, if you are like every other red blooded, American male, you love your own nuts, and you probably openly declare it and encourage your fellow man to do the same:

Does that make you some sort of immoral weirdo??

OK, so maybe it does a little bit, but hey, who am I to judge, right?

Right!

Anyhoo, now is the time to openly declare your feelings for Vince's nuts, because let's face it, between you and me, he is 45 today so we both know that his nuts are already a bit past their prime as it is, and wellllllllll......

........we all know what time and cheap hookers can do to even the best set of nuts:

Yeaaaahhhhh.

Hell, by next year, they just might dry up altogether and fall completely off and, well, no offense to Vince, but a dried up, wrinkly, old pair of gonads laying on the crusty floor of a Motel 6 isn't exactly something to get all excited over, now is it??!

Oh well, for now at least, his nuts are better than any other Vince that I know of, including these ones:

Yep.

His nuts are the creme of the crop!

Of course, by this time next year, him and this Vince might have a little more in common:

Hmmm.... maybe if he buffs them with a ShamWow it will help....

:)

The "Move Over, Mr. Dirty Sanchez!" Offensive

2009-04-17T19:53:00.004-06:00

So with all this talk of "teabagging" in the news lately, naturally, it got me thinking.. how disturbing is it to hear newspeople refer to "teabagging" and how long will it be until CNN does a special report on how racist the Dirty Sanchez is??

Of course, being as pure as the driven snow, I am completely clueless to what a Dirty Sanchez actually is, but that is besides the point!

Don't look at me like that. I really don't know what it is and I don't want to know, either! I quite like not knowing.

OK, between you and me, I kinda do want to know because it sounds a bit dirty, but to be honest, even if I were a Dirty Sanchez expert who pulled in six figures a month teaching others how to do it properly, it is noone's business to judge me or call me racist!

I mean, what if I were to let Jesus, my taco truck guy, give me a Dirty Sanchez, or vice versa, would that be racist??

Heh.

You're right, I am sure they could find something offensive about that and every other sexual maneuver that I've either invented, attempted, accomplished or dared to daydream about over the years, because that's what they do.

The Dirty Bastards.

That's right, and there are MANY of them, too.

Sexual maneuvers, I mean.

Now, I'm sure there are a few of these that you are probably quite familiar with, and some you may have only heard rumors of or only thought were performed on moonless nights in back alley massage parlors deep in the heart of Bangkok, but guess what?!

Your loved ones are probably busy doing some of these RIGHT NOW!!

Yep, and as soon as I post this, I'll be having a little fun with a few of these myself and I wouldn't want you to feel left out, so here are some of my all time favorites, in no particular order.

(Just don't tell CNN about them, you know how they are!)

Enjoy!

1) Yodeling Dutchman & Yodeling Flying Double Dutchman - invented in the early 1600's by a troupe of traveling, nymphomaniac, hermaphrodite acrobats, this sexual feat is only for adventurous types who possess incredible flexibility, the stamina of a herd of horny stallions and both sexual organs (for optimal performance)!

2) Gaping Gertrude - More than one early explorer in the New World lost an eye performing this one, so it is best left to the more experienced.

Not the elderly, per say.

Ya know, unless they are already blind.

3) Shawshank Shuffle - This one is actually an adaptation of the San Quentin Crawl, and can be done just about anywhere outside of prison quite easily as long as you have the proper tools - a bar of soap carved into a three pronged dildo/shiv and a big, tattooed biker to stand guard outside the bathroom.

4) Limp Wristed Lollygagger - This one sounds more offensive than it actually is, and despite the false rumors (and the fact that CNN would have a whole WEEK dedicated to this one!), it did NOT originate from the Folsom Street Fair or even during the heyday of the San Francisco bath houses.

It actually got its name because not many who attempt this one can handle holding the 6 foot lollipop-paddle for 72 hours straight!

I've done it though.

:)

5) Saskatoon Squatting Sasquatch - I learned this one from a Canadian tourist last year and I believe it was passed down from the Inuit because he said in order to pay homage to its origins, you really need a baby seal and a large vat of whale blubber.

Of course, we don't have those here in Idaho, so he assured me that the modern version allows you to substitute these with a young mule and a tub of butter (and/or margarine).

Or sour cream.

With chives.

And bacon bits.

And melted cheddar cheese. Yummm!!!

What?! We are in the potato state - sheesh!

6) Himalayan Hang Nail - Much like the Yodeling Flying Double Dutchman, this one is not for the faint of heart (or those with respiratory issues!) and I haven't done it since I was in my early 20's.

Required gear includes: 10 mm static rope, one figure eight, four carabineers, a harness, the knowledge of how to tie figure eight knots and water knots, two pieces of webbing long enough to tie from a stable off structure to your rope, a willing Sherpa and thick, waterproof leather gloves.

7) Rusty Thrusty (aka Thrusty Nail) - This one I have tried quite a few times, but don't recommend, unless you aren't afraid of needles as it requires a current tetanus shot beforehand, and a series of rabies shots afterward!

Which is odd, since there are no wild animals involved...

...that I am aware of...

8) Thorny Warbler - OK, this one is fun and is a huge hit with the organic, tree-hugger, anti-global warming types!

Which is why I refuse to do it.

Gargle beforehand (and cover all exposed skin) with: 1 cup warm water mixed with 1 tsp lemon, 1 tsp honey, 1 tsp prickly pear juice... then use a hemp rope to tie yourself to a lodgepole pine.... just as the grizzly bears are waking up...

OK, fine, I made that last part up. Don't spoil my fun, dammit!! :(

9) Kentucky Cornswoggler - Another fun one, it is kinda like a rodeo so you can't mind getting a little down and dirty in the muck and the mud and the blood with a crowd of drunk rednecks whooping and hollerin' and goadin' you on!

For this, you MUST have: 1/5 Jack Daniels for each participant, a half dozen dried corn cobs, a two-seater outhouse and a few cooperative cousins. Oh, and to make it more down home and authentic - add a 1947 Sears Catalog to clean up afterwards!

10) Tennessean Twelve Finger Tic Tac Toe Jammer - Pretty near the same as above, except instead of corncobs you use 3 sets of wooden dentures and a willing uncle with extra toes and fingers.

No wait, I got that wrong. You keep the corncobs and instead of the Jack Daniels you drink Jim Beam.

And you use a three-seater outhouse and a 1949 Sears catalog.

I think?

Damn, has it been that long since I did this one??

Anyhoo, either way it's all fun, even if you do it wrong.

Especially when it rains!!

So if you excuse me, I need to brush up on this one. We are supposed to get rain tomorrow.

Hoooooooyahhhh!!!

:)

The "Because You (Potentially) Mean Soooooooooo Much to Me...." Offensive

2009-04-09T22:11:00.004-06:00

Soooo since my failed attempt at bumping off the hubs and collecting on the obscenely large life insurance policies which he doesn't even know I have out on him and if you tell him I'll make sure you suffer the same fate next time horrible, unforeseen, well planned yet poorly executed because I am an amateur tragedy which befell my poor, innocent hubs last month and left him near death and on a slow road to recovery with me as his nursemaid, we (that would be me and my yarmulke-sporting legal counsel, Bernie, of course!) have decided that I need to really reassess my future a bit!

And perhaps consider hiring professional help next time.

Let me tell you, thank goodness Bernie is looking out for me! He and I both know that the stakes are much higher now, since all I got out of this latest incident with the hubs is an even more serious addiction to Oxycontin, Percocet and Lortab which for some unknown reason his doctor keeps prescribing!

OK, it may or may not be because I keep stealing his pills and making his injuries worse so that he is in writhing pain each time he goes back in for a checkup, but that is beside the point!

Honestly, I should sue the hubs and his doctor for making me an addict.

I mean, you tell me, how the hell am I going to pay for this shit once I have no choice but to hit the black market for it?!?!

Ugh.

Oh, and not to mention the fact that in order to make it look legitimate, I pretty much have to make sure he doesn't heal and let me tell you, 'accidentally' tearing the stitches out of his wounds every day, 'losing' his bottles of painkillers and 'forgetting' to change the nasty bandages on his infected wounds is a lot of frigging work for someone like me who is pretty much strung out on good pharmaceuticals 24/7!!

Plus, it is not as easy as you think to find free range staph infection to spike his bandages with.

Hey, don't worry about me though, I'm hanging in there despite the toll it is taking on me, because believe me, nursing someone back to health is NOT my strong point anyway. I am much better at nursing a few cocktails while lying naked on the beach in Fiji with a half dozen cabana boys tend to my every need.

Hooyah!!

Well, theoretically I am better at that.

Between you and me, I'd really fucking like to find out just how much better at that I am, and soon!!!

Which, coincidentally, is where you come in!!

OK, I know what you're thinking and no, I am not planning to take you to some exotic locale like Fiji so that we can hang out naked on the beach together. Quite the opposite, in fact!!

After having almost lost the hubs it dawned on me that if I were to lose you, that could be almost as ~~profitable~~ tragic!! I mean, let's face it, as my #1 fan, you are very valuable to me!!

Potentially more valuable than I realized, until Bernie pointed it out, and should any horrible, unforeseen, well planned and professionally executed tragedy befall you, I don't think either of us would want me to suffer with the consequences of that, right???

Right!!

Sooooo, if you would just take a quick moment to fill this form out for me, it would really put both of our minds at ease:

I'd do it, but I have calls to make and packing to do.

Don't worry, it's a short form! I should be packed by the time you are finished.

Thanks!!

:)

The Weekend Offender Guest Offensive (featuring Ryan Garns)

2009-04-03T22:13:00.003-06:00

The "Obama Hires Chelle B. as Public Relations Manager" Offensive

by: Ryan Garns

("The Rachel Maddow Show" comes back from commercial break.)

RACHEL MADDOW: President Obama has uncharacteristically been experiencing a public relations problem in recent weeks. His missteps in meeting with the British Prime Minister as well as his remarks on "The Tonight Show" have left some people questioning if Obama is losing his diplomatic and media savvy. Joining me now to discuss this via satellite from a bunker somewhere in Idaho is Obama public relations manager, Chelle B. Chelle, thank you for joining us.

(Chelle B. appears on screen in a dimly lit bunker in front of a shelf with canned food and weapon supplies. She's stroking a crossbow.)

CHELLE B.: Thank you for having me, Rachel. And may I say, you're looking very butch tonight.

MADDOW: Uh... thank you. Let's get right to it: Last week, President Obama made a rather unfortunate joke about the Special Olympics...

CHELLE B.: Oh, please! The President's joke about the Special Olympics was not offensive. And everyone saying they were offended by it is just being retarded.

MADDOW: Excuse me?

CHELLE B.: Look, I know something about being offended. I am the Offended Blogger, after all. That's why Barry hired me as his PR manager. And my view is that people need to lighten the hell up.

MADDOW: Fair enough. Let's talk about another recent faux pas: President Obama giving the visiting British Prime Minister a set of DVDs as a gift. Some critics, especially in the British press, have said that this makes Obama look cheap.

CHELLE B.: Cheap?? Uh, hello? We're in a recession here! Those limeys are lucky we didn't give them a Jack In The Box gift card. But hey, if those British fops would rather watch their BBC cross-dressing shows instead of the Dude, Where's My Car? Special Edition, we'll gladly take it back. Of course, we would have to exchange it for The Dark Knight or something cool. Because that Kutcher movie sucked harder than an asthmatic hooker with a cock shaped inhaler.

(Maddow looks stunned.)

CHELLE B.: Hey, don't look at me like that! Or I'll sic my Jewish lawyer on you!

MADDOW: I'm sorry, but... I am speaking with Obama's public relations manager, right?

CHELLE B.: Don't be coy, Maddow. You and all the rest of the bleeding-heart Prius pushers in the liberal media are in the tank for Obama. You invited me on your show to help preen the political pony you backed, right? Well, here I am! I'm pimping out the Prez and you're giving me scenes from Frost/Nixon.

(Maddow tries to regain composure, despite frantic voices coming through her ear piece.)

MADDOW: (hurriedly) Well, it appears we're all out of time. Chelle B., thank you for joining us.

CHELLE B.: Thanks, Rach. And everyone, be sure to visit The Offended Blogger and Humor Bloggers dot com. But more importantly, be sure to visit RyanGarns.com -- I have a huge crush on his blog!

____________________

Thanks to Ryan Garns for writing this Guest Offender post! If you would like to be a Guest Offender at The Offended Blogger, drop me an email!

:)

The "Yay!! I Have the Final Solution!!!" Offensive

2009-03-27T21:40:00.004-06:00

First of all, for the last week or so, due to things that are beyond my control, I have had little to no internetz connection, so, to get even, me and my Jewish lawyer, Bernie Finklebergengoldmanbaumrubenpearlstein, are all set to sue that fat bastard, Al Gore, for inventing the internetz to begin with and for nearly ruining my life and the lives of people who mean the most to me!!

It's true!!

Being deprived of access to my lovely blog, and Google images (to pilfer shit for my lovely blog, of course!) and copious amounts of clown porn can be a dangerous thing for an evil genius like myself and between you and me, it can lead to very bad things.

Like making me give up my no cussing policy that I held so dear for almost 4.6 hours!!

So, we are prepared to take that motherfucker all the way to the Supreme Court in order to secure the reparations that are due to me for all this distress.

OK, I know what you're thinking and NO, you can't get in on it!! This isn't one of those class action law suits, so get your own damn Jewish lawyer and sue that fat bastard yourself if you want a piece of the pie!

Heh.

What do you think this is, some sort of charity blog?!!

Welllllllllllllllll....... as of April 15th, this technically IS a charity blog. At least that's what my Jewish accountant, Bernie Kaufsteinbergmanshitzenbalm, told me to put on my taxes from now on!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo.. that's beside the point and like I said... having no internetz can be a dangerous thing for an evil genius like myself, and you are just lucky that my internetz is back up and running and that I couldn't figure out how to do the complex chemistry for this cornflour bomb that I found in the back of my Idaho Militia Weekly magazine:

Believe me, I tried, but I never was good at chemistry.

:(

However... I WAS able to fully understand this diagram and let me tell you, it really fucking pissed me right off:

I KNOW!!!!!

Those are Al's friends, too, so it really pisses me off more.

Now then, given the state of the economy, I decided that we need a FINAL solution to the problem, and having had a whole week without access to my lovely blog, Google images, or clown porn, I had plenty of time to come up with one, and...

....well you know me, I came up with a shitload of them!!

Because that is what evil geniuses who are sans internetz and suck at chemistry do to keep their brains occupied!

At first I thought we could just cull the surplus population simply by rapidly furthering global warming by employing nuclear technology, but then I remembered that this is something that me and my fellow Idahoans have been working on for awhile now because frankly, we are really fucking sick of winter:

Of course, the eco-freaks don't let us get too far with our nuclear ambitions and they keep us tied up in court, so this could actually take longer than global warming itself!!

Bastards.

But... just like the thought of Al Gore having a whole team of Jewish lawyers to fight me in court, that didn't stop me, so I had another plan.

A sort of 'grassroots' movement, if you will! I talked my neighbor into breeding his cows bigger and bigger so the methane they produce will speed up global warming by approximately .8% per day:

I know, it is brilliant.

And of course we all drive huge monster trucks here, but at my insistence a lot of my friends and neighbors have begun to replace their other fossil fuel guzzling toys with bigger versions in an attempt to bring a more balmy atmospheric condition to our little corner of paradise (as well as reduce the overall amount of federal, state and local welfare spending!):

My favorite cousin even singlehandedly tried to help by filling up our landfills with stuff that supposedly leads to global warming, but sadly, it killed him before he could make much of an impact:

He always was such a dumbass!!

In fact, I'm not quite sure why he was my favorite cousin to begin with, really. I mean, I have like 499 other ones who are much smarter than he is.

OK. You're right. At least he tried.

I guess I should give that dumb bastard credit for that.

The problem is, all of those things take too much time (or only kill off one dumbass cousin at a time!) and I feel driven to QUICKLY save the entire planet by rapidly increasing global warming while killing off at least 90% of the overall population so that there are no more lazy, out of work fuckers sucking off of the rest of us!

Then, we can divvy up the resources amongst ourselves and live a much better life.

I mean, that is practically Communism so even Obammie would approve of that shit, right?!

Right.

OK, so I admit that some of my ideas early in the week were almost as dumb as trying to overload the landfills (while simultaneously exploding my bladder) in a vain effort to decimate the majority of the human race, but I hadn't had time to think things through yet.

Like when I thought organizing a naked protest would somehow further things along.

I mean, naked protests always seem to work in the city!!

Don't give me that look. You know when you see this guy it always grabs your attention:

See?? I told you!!

But... I forget that here in Idaho, big city solutions don't always work the same for us.

In fact, sometimes they backfire:

Yeeeaaaaahhhhh...

So it didn't turn out like I had planned, but hey, at least I was able to kill off roughly 5% of the Idaho Falls population during the protest, so it wasn't a total loss!!

But, just like in the big city, as soon as the word "protest" is heard, all the weirdos show up, even if the protest has nothing to do with them!!!

So that was really fucking annoying and didn't help the cause at all.

I mean honestly, this was supposed to be about bettering humanity but instead we had the militants just pouring out of the woodwork to try and shove their bullshit agendas down our throats.

Like the vegans and PETA sympathizers:

...and of course, this IS Idaho, so the Neo-Nazi racist assholes just had to make themselves seen, too:

...and then there were the dirty, wannabe Rastafarian treehuggers:

OK, those dudes were cool.

Heh.

I think they are still passed out upstairs in my living room, in fact.

They better stay the hell out of my Doritos, though!!

Oh yeah, we did have one extremely brave freak of nature get all dressed up and turn out to make his case for his 'alternative lifestyle':

I am telling you, I don't approve of him one bit, but I admit that it took some balls to do that!!

Of course representatives of the other side heard he was there so they just had to show up and things got really ugly after that:

Ugh!!

Even my Fatwa friends appeared from out of nowhere to join in, but at least they were focused on the cause:

Now don't get me wrong, like I told them, killing all the Jews would benefit us and produce the desired result of my "Final Solution", even though they only make up like 3% of the world's population - they control like 97% of the world's resources!!

But.... that would mean my Jewish lawyer and Jewish accountant would have to go, too, and dammit, call me selfish, but I still need those two smart bastards helping me out right now!!!!!!!

Of course.... once my lawsuit against that fat bastard, Al Gore, is over.... and once I finish filing my taxes in a couple weeks....

:)

The "Holy Barnacles!! No More Potty Mouth For Me!!" Offensive

2009-03-18T00:50:00.013-06:00

I can't believe it!! After 37 years of debasing myself (and anyone within earshot) with offensive verbosities suited only for the deepest bowels of Naval vessels, vomit stained back alleys, and cabs of 18 wheelers strewn with stained copies of Hustler and urine filled soda bottles, my soul searching has finally come to an end!!

I have found my calling.

From now on, you will not find me using any non-biblically sanctioned curse words or alluding to things like testicle torture, extreme sodomy, torrid affairs with Jesus or issuing Fatwas on things and people which piss me off.

It's true!!!

Yep, I, Chelle B., have officially sold my soul over at The No Cussing Club and like any new convert, I now plan to ~~annoy the fuck out of you~~ proselytize you, and force you to take the "No Cussing Challenge" like I did.

Look, dammit, I am really only doing this for you because I know how much my offensive language offends your sensitive soul and makes your little eyes and ears bleed.

It's OK, I've always known you were a bit of a sissy so I even started my very own Idaho Chapter of the No Cussing Club just so you could join with me:

See?!?!

I did it all for you.

Seriously!

So, you have to join. You owe me.

Plus, Jesus will love you if you do!!

Well, and I hate to break it to you, but you'll be damned and burn for eternity if you don't.

In HELL.

Writhing.

In pain!!

FOREVER!!!!!!!

Don't look at me like that. We both know that I am more stubborn than an Old Testament ass, and like a New Testament whore I do not take no for an answer, so you might as well just give up and cut me a check RIGHT NOW for 10% of your (gross - not net!) wages and join my No Cussing cult.

Seriously, all the cool kids are doing it.

Heh.

I'm not leaving until you join.

If it makes you feel better, I plan to use your charitable contributions ONLY for noble and humanitarian purposes like.... saving baby kittens, clothing the homeless, and offensive graffiti removal.

Oh, yes, and if you act now and join in the next 5 minutes, I will also buy up every available copy of this awesomeriffic book from the "No Cussing E-Store" to deliver to all of the little foul-mouthed ghetto bastards out there who need healthy alternatives way more than I do:

OK, fine, I will probably use it for liquor, gambling, guns and some new Hello Kitty sex toys, but it's the thought that counts.

Hooyah!!!

:)

The "Caption This Homeless Leprechaun!!" Offensive

2009-03-16T22:32:00.002-06:00

?????

The "Gimme Back My Bullets!" Offensive

2009-03-04T20:24:00.013-07:00

OK!! I know that you've probably been worried sick about me and you've more than likely been on the verge of a nervous breakdown because you undoubtedly assumed that my dream of being abducted, probed and impregnated by aliens (hooyah!) was finally realized... which it wasn't... dammit... so I thought I better take a moment to tell you what I've been doing and why I may not be back for a while until the crisis is over.

What crisis you ask??

Come on now, I'm sure you are aware that there is a serious shortage of guns and bullets now that Obammie took office.

I mean, you DO watch Fox News, right?

Well, let me tell you, it's true. You can't even find a BB gun or a frigging paint ball pellet right now. It happens every time 2nd Amendment lovers like myself feel threatened by the shadowy figure of the grim reaper holding a big red hammer and sickle.

So, naturally, I've been spending all my spare time lately adding to the shortage of guns and bullets by hitting every gun store, sporting goods store, pawn shop and unattended private Armageddon bunker within a 200 mile radius of my house.

Thank God all my friends are out doing the same thing and leaving their private Armageddon bunkers unattended just for me!!

Of course, while I was out "collecting" guns and bullets today, my private Armageddon bunker was left unattended, so some cold hearted bastard broke in and stole all of MY stockpiled guns and bullets.

I know.

:(

What sort of world are we living in when you can't even trust your own neighbors, huh?!

To add insult to injury, he left me this:

I think it is some Russian made, commie gun.

It was loaded, too.

I'm pretty sure I know who did it, though. The neighbor I was pilfering from today has always been jealous of my Hello Kitty gun collection:

Bastard.

He's probably sleeping with my Hello Kitty Ruger under his pillow RIGHT FRIGGING NOW.

Ugh!!!!!!!

I knew I should have packed that baby in my garter belt holster before I headed out today.

Oh well, at least he had the courtesy to leave my lifetime supply of toilet paper that I've been "collecting" over the years from friends and public restrooms!!

Tomorrow I'll head back over to his place and steal my shit back...

....and take his TP supply just to spite him.

:)

The "I See Colored People!!" Offensive

2009-02-24T00:50:00.007-07:00

I admit it, despite forcing myself to watch numerous PBS after-school specials and knowing full well that it is completely and utterly wrong to look at a person and see color, especially during BLACK History month, I just can't help it.

I. See. Colored. People.

It's true!!

I see their shade, tone AND hue and not only that, but between you and me, I also have these highly offensive and rather stereotypical thoughts that just pop into my head for no reason.

Don't look at me like that. I know I'll burn in hell for it!

But hey, I can't help that when I see some Asian chick walking across the street I think to myself, "Damn, I bet that bitch can make some mean hot and sour soup!".

Or when I see a black guy going 100mph down the freeway with out of state tags I think to myself, "Hmmm, I wonder if the rumors about black men being hung like a horse are true!!".

Then I try to chase his big black self down with my monster truck in a vain attempt to find out, but that only encourages him to go faster.

:(

I know.

Doesn't he realize that I might want to smoke some crack, too???

Ugh.

Oh yeah, and it goes without saying that whenever I see a taco truck around here I think of Jesus and his sticky, imported "incense" and yummy tacos with extra, extra jalapenos.

And our all night confession sessions and our illegitimate child(ren):

And how the crappy economy is forcing all those illegal bastards to flee back to their homeland where they belong.

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, we even have this Arab dude (who I believe is the ONLY one in Idaho) running the local Quickee Mart so you know what thoughts run through my mind every time I see him.

Heh.

OK, I won't say them outloud because it might offend my crazy Fatwa friends...

... but honestly, how the hell am not supposed to notice this shit?!!

But hey, I'm just glad the Asian chick doesn't drive.

We have enough non-driving motherfuckers here as it is.

:)

**********************************************************

In case you are wondering, the answer to my special weekend edition Name This Nasty Crap was...

....ramen noodles that I spilled on the floor then stepped in....

....barefoot.

I know.

I am still traumatized by it!!!!!!!!

:(

The "Name This Nasty Crap That I Stepped In Today (While Barefoot)!!!" Special Weekend Offensive

2009-02-20T20:45:00.005-07:00

OK, so while I am sitting here mortified and trying not to gag on my own vomit (and die like Bon Scott, Jimi Hendrix and John Bonham did), I decided that rather than suffer alone with the thought of what just happened to me, I'd share it with you, my #1 fan, since I can't afford a house call from my psychiatrist.

Ya know, and cuz I'm sure you want to suffer with me and give me oodles of sympathy and say comforting stuff like, "Ohhhhh, Chelle B., you are such a big sissy! I've stepped in wayyyyy worse stuff than that while barefoot!!", right?!!

RIGHT?!!!!

Ugh.

Well, too bad.

You have no choice and hopefully you've already had your breakfast/lunch/dinner/midnight snack before you gaze upon the offensive pics below and...

Name That Nasty Crap That I Stepped In Today (While Barefoot)!!!

Was it..

#1 - wet, soggy, sticky ramen noodles that I accidentally spilled onto the floor?

#2 - a big fat, slimey slug that crawled inside looking for warmth?

#3 - a used condom waiting in line down at the taco truck?

#4- a thoughtful present left by my loyal and faithful companion, Brutus:

#5 - remnants of the cat's dinner which he decided to bring to me just to tease me since he knew I had a measly meal consisting of Top Ramen (which I may or may not have spilled and then stepped in barefoot!):

Winner gets an all expense paid trip to...

....well, nowhere, really.

Unless you click below and give me 5 stars and a kick ass review out of sheer sympathy!!!

Do it or I'll head over barefoot to your place right now!

I haven't washed the nasty crap off yet...