The Official Alvin Williams Blogspot

Alvin Williams Live & Unplugged at Washington State DVD on sale!

2012-01-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

My new dvd Alvin Williams Live & Unplugged at Washington State is now on sale at www.alvinwilliamscomedy.com! Just go to my store and it will be there waiting for you. Your support means everything to me, and I did this dvd for all the people who don't get to see me live but cheer me on from afar! This dvd would not be possible without the talents of Adam Wallberg and Across The Street Media, the teamwork of the Wazzu Gammas, and of course, the visionary behind the entire project, Shades of Black President Kwapi Vengesayi. Thank you all in advance for your purchase, and PLEASE spread the word!!! Here's the trailor:

My New DVD Available Jan 16th!

2012-01-11T17:31:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone! Hope you had a great end to 2011. Ready for a great start to 2012? How about THIS: I FINALLY got my hands on a copy of my new dvd Alvin Williams LIVE & Unplugged at Washington State (Directed by Adam Wallberg). It was a great show at the college and now it's immortal! Watched it beginning to end yesterday and I must say...not bad :) You be the judge though, here's some quick snippets!

The dvd will be available for purchase on my website (click my face on the blog at the top) this Monday, Jan 16th! I decided to wait to release it on MLK day because without him, my life on the road and my freedom of speech in predominantly non-black areas would always be in question. Thank you AGAIN Dr. King!

So as you can see from my schedule I'm back on the road in a major way, which is why I don't write nearly as much on here, so please continue to write me, comment on my blogs, and come to my shows so that I know my efforts aren't going for not (that can't be a proper sentence huh? :) )

Later! Al

Broadway Comedy Club (New York City)

2011-11-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

My professional comedy career began in Boise, ID when I was 22 years old. I love that city, it's super comfortable to live in. With the friends and support that I had while living there I felt I could've spent the rest of my life performing in Idaho, but I knew in order to make it to the next level, I had to leave. This summer I went to New York for the first time in my career. I was invited to do a taping for Comedy Time TV, making me the first comic to be featured 3 times on their network! Everyone got their champagne glasses up? No? Well here's a quick clip from the show to keep you busy while the others run to the kitchen:

This trip was special. Extra special. It capped off a very important goal for me as a traveling comic. I wanted to perform at comedy clubs in Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York within the next 3 years, and I was able to do it in less than 1 year. After it was all over, I took some time to take in the sights in NYC, one of the most amazing cities on EARTH. Their food rivals that of my hometown, Chicago. Of course, I've spent half my life there, so I will have to do more field research to give NYC a fair shot :) Here was my day:

I've accomplished and exceeded every goal I had for 2011. Now I'm planning for next year. And quite honestly, I cannot WAIT! To all my friends who helped me accomplish feats in my career that I could've only dreamed of a year ago, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I love you for everything that you do.

Sincerely,

Al

Me in NYC!

Acting Black in Idaho...

2011-10-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

This summer I was chillin at home when I received an email that simply said "FW: Commercial Audition". It was from a reputable production company who I do lots of work with. The company is based in Washington, but most of their casting is done in Idaho, so as soon as I started reading I became excited! Because right there in big bold letters were the 3 words that I love seeing the most:

"BLACK ACTOR NEEDED"

I jumped for joy! I was too excited! I started looking at flights to see how fast I could get there! WOO HOO!!!!...For those of you who are slow to get what I'm saying, try this equation:

Black Actor Needed + Boise, ID Audition = "CONGRATS YOU GOT THE PART!"

However, this one was going to be a challenge for me. This time they were looking for a Black actor...in his 40's! Now I've played a black man many times in my career (family dinners, church, and financial aid interviews to name a few), but I had NEVER played a black man in his 40's before!!! What was I supposed to do?! I only had a week. So I started listening to lots of smooth jazz, watched a Tyler Perry movie (most of it anyway), and grew a beard. But that was only half the challenge. For the audition they were very specific on what they wanted...

"MUST BE ABLE TO DO THE RUNNING MAN"

Now here's the Black Dilemma: "Of course I KNEW how to do the running man, but SHOULD I?"...This is when I look to the payment portion of the agreement for guidance...

$700/DAY ALL EXPENSES PAID

Or as I like to call it...Hammertime!!!!

I booked the flight, knowing full well the investment was worth it. Hell, I already started making plans for the actual shoot days. Once I arrived at the audition, I couldn't WAIT for them to see just how "40" I looked! I even dressed like my dad: I rocked the linen shirt with the top 2 buttons unopened to show some taco meat, loafers with no socks, the whole nine! I get to the place ready to give them the address to send my check to...and a funny thing happened. Turns out, when $700/day is on the table...Hammer's gonna have some back-up dancers around. I have never seen so many bald black dudes in Idaho at one time (without a dj in the background I mean...snap.) in my LIFE! I thought I was at a KC and JoJo look-a-like contest, and I was about to come in 7th place. Plus they actually WERE 40yr olds...and they looked YOUNGER than me! GEEZUS! Who the hell let me come here?! Even the casting directors were in shock! I sat in the lobby in complete awe. I thought to myself "Is this what my life is now? I was gonna have to outdance other black people for money. And the only dance I'm allowed to do...is THE RUNNING MAN?!"...I started talking to the other guys and I realized we were all kind've on the same page about the awkwardness of the moment. As we all waited patiently for our turn to Bust-A-Move, I said to them "Even if I TOLD people about this moment, nobody's going to believe me." We laughed for a minute, and then I had an idea. I ran out to the car and grabbed my flip camera. Believe me now???...

It's been 2 months since the auditions and I never got to speak with these gentlemen again...But I got a feeling they'll remember me real soon once they turn on their televisions this week...

Now STOP!...HAMMERTIME!!!

Allen, Christoper, and Lee "Brothas In Castin'" :)

Greetings From The Loony Bin! (Tulsa and Oklahoma City, OK)

2011-09-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Here's some clips of some of the more memorable characters I had a chance to meet while at the Tulsa and OKC Loony Bin Comedy Clubs. Gotta Love Oklahoma! Enjoy...

Stacy and Dana (Pinetop, AZ)

2011-09-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

And now back to basics! This blog originally started because I like to film people I meet after shows. The more people see who I meet, the more they understand my stories...Meet Stacy and Dana. I had a chance to travel to Pinetop, AZ to perform at Monday Funday Comedy Night at The Hon-Dah Resort and Casino. This show takes place weekly in the middle of the MIDDLE of nowhere, and yet it's been going strong every week for 9 years running (If you know comedy, then you know that is impressive for a one-night venue). It was a PAIN to get to though, YEESH! I'll spare you the grueling details about my airport rental car/shuttle bus drama, but just know I took two planes, a shuttle bus, AND drove 3.5hrs to get there in time for a 5pm mic check. I was tired as hell, and once I got onstage I let the audience know "you better have some energy FOR me because if you don't it's gonna be a long-ass 59min. " (unprofessional I know!...but TRUE. Even the old people sitting up front had more energy than I did at that moment.)...The audience started laughing because they thought I was joking...I SO wasn't! Luckily for me some loud mouth chick at the back of the room blurted out something that got my spirit goin in the right direction at the right time...

I was talking about that Lifetime Channel show called SNAPPED! It's a show that documents the true-life tales of married women who finally go off the deep-end and kill their husbands because they're tired of them leaving their socks around the house (I'm paraphrasing of course), and she yelled out "WOOO! THAT'S my SHOW!"...and the rest of the night basically took care of itself :)

Afterwards, I found out that loud mouth chick had a name: Dana! We had a chance to chat and she turned out to be really cool! She said her daughter, Stacy, had just moved into town and needed a quick pick-me-up in her life, so she brought her to Monday Funday because she figured Stacy could at least get a laugh out of giving shit to some unfunny comics (Dana herself has been kicked out multiple times for doing this btw, but she was lenient this night because she actually thought I was funny on my own :) ) I thoroughly enjoyed myself and they packed the place OUT. Very well done considering no one knew who the f**k I was coming in (I gotta FIX that!).

So THEN the ladies invited me out to the local tavern called The Lion's Den, and it was empty. Dana apologized to me because she said "This place is normally PACKED". I told her that "An empty, QUIET bar was the greatest gift you could've ever given me". I was so thankful! lol So we ate and drank and Dana taught me how to swing dance like a white person (I had a little trouble with the steps, so my white-guy form must've been PERFECT lol), and whatever negativity I had in my head about the trip melted away permanently. Plus I'm proud to say that I got a personal invite to her husband's bday party (a.k.a. The Dirty 30) as a FRIEND, NOT a performer! :) Here's me sayin goodbye to my new friends:

See ya at The Dirty 30 (?) :)

Warehouse Jackass Commercial

2011-09-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Hi Montana, seen any black people on tv recently? Yep, that's me, lookin all employed and whatnot. Don't worry, I not "takin yur jurbs!", I'm just an actor. And ladies, I didn't get to keep the hat, so don't send me emails trying to book me for THOSE kind of parties. It's for the Montana Work Safety commision. It involves me, heavy machinery, and donkeys...what else do you need? :) Check it out!

"It was her FRIEND'S Monkey!" (Myrtle Beach, SC)

2011-07-22T03:00:00.000-07:00

   So, if you've talked to me or seen a distinctly positive change in my demeanor recently, it's because I had myself a little vacation! I went to New York City to do a taping for Comedy Time TV (which I'll blog about once it airs next month), and had an amazing time in Times Square. It was magical! I've always wanted to hang out somewhere that stayed up just as late as I did. See I'm a night owl. I'm the night owl who doesn't know it's time to go the f**K to SLEEP. EVER. I stay up way too late then I don't know what the hell to do during the early throws of what normal socially-adjusted sleepers refer to as "morning". It's a pointless time. Morning? First of all, don't care for the name. I don't want more of it. I want less. It should be called Lessning. It lessens my sleep and my patience. The sun is out, messing with my eyes when I'm tryin to sleep in. Kids are up all over the world, watching Dragon Tales in 6 different languages, playing, or worse, crying? That sounds like the perfect time to be unconscious, doesn't it? So that's what I TRY to do. My whole life is at night, so why break my nature?...Oh well, so much for my positive demeanor...

      The New York taping was on a Monday, and I had a show scheduled in Myrtle Beach, SC for Wednesday that same week. So I FIGURED, why not get there a day early and just enjoy myself? I had heard nothing but good things about Myrtle Beach, and after spending a couple days immersed in the culture there I can now confidently say they're ALL true! What an amazing place! Everything is lit up and stays open all night, which is perfect for night owls like me! I hung out at the Boardwalk for hours! Tons of people hangin out, enjoying the beach. I personally have never cared for being out at the beach, but for some reason this night was different. I wasn't scheduled to be anywhere or do anything. So I decided to put my Flip camera in my pocket just this once. I looked around, took a deep breath of fresh ocean air, took my shoes off to enjoy the sand sifting between my toes, and started walking. I walked for a long time too! That's when I found out something incredible: I enjoy long walks on the beach. That's a good way to define how unique I am actually. I think they should make a facebook group only for people who enjoy that. I know it might be small since it's a rare thing for people to admit about themselves, but I'm not afraid to be different I guess. Trailblazer is a word that gets tossed around, but you know, I'm pretty modest.

SPEAKING OF MODESTY, I stayed at the Fountainbleau Inn next to the beach. Never been in a place so small and cozy in my life. It was a good small though. Felt right. I slept for 10 straight hrs that Mornight (Mornight. New word I made. It's when you make the daytime your nighttime, thereby making it your bitch for life, Avatar-style...Only a matter of time Webster) I've never been to a motel where they give you the option of looking at the horribility of the room first before exchanging cash or finishing their paperwork. It's like they KNOW you can do better, they're just waiting for you to figure that out so that they have less work to do. But little did THEY know, I was only at this place because they were the cheapest (I knew they were the cheapest because I sat in their parking lot, turned on my garmin, and called all the motels in the immediate area using my BEST white guy voice that all black people use when they want to anonymously find out hotel rates...You think I'm joking? Oh No, we DO that shit.) They took my cash right then and there...plus a $10 key deposit...??? Not for a key CARD.  Just a janky-ass KEY. I was thinking "Lady? I just paid CASH for your crap room without a paper record of me being here for the night.  Your business practices leave NO room for trust issues at this point. BELIEVE me, I'm coming back to give you your key. I know it's the only one in existence, but trust me, it has NO street-value, you're safe!"...Not gonna lie though, I did get a little turned-on when I found out the television set flickered when I turned on the AC? So the higher I turned up the air the worse the picture got?! WOO!!! Thought about getting another key made just in case I wanted to sneak in that feeling again after check-out time. That's just something you can't order at a 5-star hotel...

On a side note, quick horror story: Walls were kinda thin there, so I heard someone knocking on a door really loud around midnight to the point I thought it was my door, but I was in the shower. Then I came to my senses and realized there's no way in HELL this place has room service that late, so I ignored it, until I heard someone yelling "Alvin! Alvin!" I opened the door, and there was a guy knocking on another door. He turned around and apologized for being so loud. He thought they were the only ones on that side of the motel, and he was trying to get his friend's attention to come outside. I informed him my name was Alvin too. He informed me his friend's name was CALVIN. Which sounds a lot like Alvin when you're in the shower in another room at midnight. So with all that said, do you have ANY idea how scary it is to even think you're hearing someone bang on the door and call your name in a state you've never visited at a motel that no one knows you're staying at but you?! You too will start having illogical fears such as these if you continue not to pay your bills on time. I thought Wells Fargo had finally just HAD IT!...So now about the actual SHOW!...

After mornight was over I took a shower and headed over to the venue. The Bay Watch Resort. Here's the thing about hotel shows at fancy hotels: You walk into the place, and your picture is in the lobby, at every elevator, at the vending machines and on flyers at the front desk. Everyone walking around has seen your face (It's a reminder that location is everything. Because your picture is up at a hotel, you're a celebrity. If it were a Post Office, you're a criminal. Such is life.  I'm sure other places have my picture up too. Hell I bet by now my face is used as a screen saver at student loan collection offices around the country.) They took great care of me from the minute I walked in at the resort. Once I checked in I had a chance to walk around with the entertainment manager, Sean. Great dude. Loves comedy and respects the business of comedy, which I rarely see on the road. We walked and chatted and he got around to telling me why he wanted to have comedy at the resort. I asked him to repeat it for the camera:

So that girl I was teasing at the end of the video is named Blakely. She was a member of a group who I have now affectionately dubbed The SuperFriends. Blakely, Jenifer (not a spelling error, just one n), Yvonne, and Case (the guy who took the picture of us below). Now, where do I even start with these women...

Jenifer, Yvonne, Me, and Blakely :)

So the major theme during my show was that these people could not answer a very simple question: "How did you all first meet?" Every time I asked I got a very confusing answer that didn't quite address my inquiries about the origin of their friendship. THAT'S because, as I found out after the show, two of them (who I will not disclose the identities of in exchange for the privilege to tell this story) had met randomly through some guy, who both of them were dating. Not too out of the ordinary, right? WRONG.

Turns out, they met through this guy because they were all going out at the same time together! And when I say same time, I mean SAME ACTUAL NIGHT! This asshole was taking both of them out on the same date together, and telling them separately that he "invited his friend to come along with them on the date". So every time these two women were on a date with their "man", they were both looking at each other wondering "Who's this other bitch he keeps inviting on all our dates?!" I almost fell out of my seat. I said "Wow! I guess that makes you REVERSE Wiener-Cousins?!" to which one of them replied "We actually prefer the term Semen-Sisters"...I actually did fall out of my chair laughing on that one. Well played ladies. Way to OWN IT! As your reward, I have decided that the Semen-Sisters are allowed free tickets to any show I ever have anywhere in the country, and that is a promise! No free travel though, you'll have to pay for that (You can save money if you carpool, which shouldn't be a problem since you two clearly have no issue sharing the same ride! Hiyoooo! HA! Ok that was the last one, I SWEAR! :))

In closing, I cannot WAIT to come back to Myrtle Beach. Blakely is going to take me Shark-Tooth Hunting, which according to her "Anyone who's Anybody does". That's a good enough reason for me! I think listening to her talk about the hunt is one of the greatest experiences that town has to offer. That chick is hilarious! Before they left for the evening I told The SuperFriends that the main thing I wanted to do is get back to that Boardwalk area and hang out again since it was the most fun I had all trip...That's when Blakely told me it was the hood. I was walking around aimlessly in the hood of Myrtle Beach the entire time I was on vacation...Didn't know. So with that in mind, I guess I can't wait to see what the NICE part looks like next time I come around! :) Matter of fact, I've got my next trip planned out completely...

FIRST, shark hunting with Blakely of course that's a no-brainer. Next? I'm gonna make Case introduce me to this Double-dating Don Juan so that I may write a best selling novel about his conquests and share it with the masses similar to how I shared my 10 Commandments of Women (How cool is it that Case actually knows the guy?! I still think it was him, I don't care what he says). Yvonne will then tell me how she secretly executes mind-control over Case so that he continues to wear shirts that match her purse whenever they go out (Kudos Yvonne, Ku-DOS!). And last but not least, Jenifer and I will have a chat, with no one around to pick on her about laughing too loud at everything I say, and I will listen to her explain to me what her family did with the other n in her name and how many friends she has probably missed out on simply because they can't find her on facebook. Oh, and before I forget Ms. Sweat, I have a picture for you...

This is Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets. Turns out we DO look a little alike as you had mentioned.

Though I have been informed of much deeper resemblences in my lifetime:

...You're welcome :)

"88% of Men Are Dogs" (Savannah, GA)

2011-07-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

      July has been a very busy time for me, which is the first time I can EVER say that in my career! Thank God! I normally dread this time of year since summer is typically the dead season for comedy, because according to bookers, "You can't compete with outside". How about TRYING? Everybody doesn't like to be out sweating their fake tans and weaves out ya know, what about those demographics? If you can't compete with outside then WHY are all the biggest movies released during the summer? I think heatwaves can be a comedy club's best friend, not it's main competition. Nothing like going out to an air-conditioned room for 2hrs instead of wondering why your balls feel like pot-stickers...but I digress as usual...

      To kick off my shows for the month, I went down to the delta. Savannah, GA. It was a friggin' TREK getting there too! Thanks to the lovely people at Alaska Airlines I got lodged in the middle of one heavy-set guy and one medically obese man. I didn't even know that was still allowed. They knew what they were doing was wrong because they warned me in line before I went to my seat. You know, like how they talk to you when you sit in an exit row? Instead of telling me how to inflate my vest they showed me the best places to hide my snacks while sleeping (that's a lie, but tell me you're not thinking of a stewardess doing that as part of her demo before take-off. Made me giggle when I wrote it.) They actually did give me a heads-up though, just so I wouldn't be surprised. In reality, they should've charged the obese man for 2 seats (or at least given me half-off). If you have a problem with my logic, buy a ticket from Seattle to Atlanta like I did. Ever been in the back seat on a road trip and sat sideways between two bean bag chairs for 5hrs? No? Ok, well imagine that feeling, but you're not allowed to get out of the car or else you'll DIE. That was my predicament. Adding insult to probable injury was the fact that I didn't even get a meal! I got a damn "Breakfast Cookie".  How dare you give me a COOKIE and call it breakfast?! Maybe if the flight was a little longer I could've gotten a Lunch Biscuit too (actually Delta DOES that. They call it Biscoff...ha)

      Regardless of my troubles, after I landed in Atlanta I made it into Savannah with no problems. I got set up with a 62 year old black cab driver named Chester. He picked me up at the airport and dropped me back off there after the club let out at 3am. Once he found out I was a comic he just started cussin' up a storm! I have him on the blog here, but I had to edit out some of the stuff he said...(want a sample? SURE! Glad you asked!...So like most strangers I meet, I like to start out by telling them my theory on how Oprah is responsible for the Bulls losing in the Eastern Conference Finals this year, and he stopped me dead in my tracks and said "Bullshit! I LOVE Oprah's fine ass! I'd eat her pussy in Times Square boy!"...(Needless to say I was offended. I mean honestly, how dare he call me "boy"?! I'm a grown ass MAN!) I filmed him at 3am when he picked me back up that night and he was a lot less edgy. Probably because he was dog tired. But still pretty funny. Now, about the highlight of my evening...

My new friend The Great :)

During my 2nd show that night there were some people in the front row being a little chatty, so I started talking to them since I don't like to be left out, me being on stage and all. Turns out they were talking about the same thing I was, but LOUDER. I was talking about how Taco Bell is so proud of the fact that their beef is 88% REAL BEEF, and the other 12% is their secret recipe. To which I SAY, how would you like to go on a date with a woman, only to find out she's 88% female, and the other 12% is her little secret? To which the men responded they would not like that at all. To which one of the women in the front row maintained that men wouldn't care even if it was 50-50. To which I responded "I didn't say SHIT about 50-50! And even if I DID, I WOULD VERY MUCH CARE! No one in here is talkin about Mermaid Pussy but YOU!" Laughter, applause, and we moved on. After that she was super cool and listened for the whole show. I actually got to talk with her and her friend Lindsey (who has amazing new glasses that I promised I'd give a shout out to on here) for HOURS. Had a blast! The name of this blog is 88% of Men Are Dogs. That's a direct quote from the woman I talked to (who shall remain "nameless" for permission purposes until you watch the video) :

Thanks Savannah! Thanks Lindsey. And thank YOU, The Great :) Also, if you're ever in the area, check out The Wormhole. They have something fun poppin' off there every night so there's never a dull moment. PLUS it's next to a liquor store and a black barber shop, so how could you lose?! :)

White People Stories, Episode I (Milledgeville, IL)

2011-07-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

"I'm Like a BIRD!"

Last Saturday I did a show in Milledgeville, IL. By the end of the night, I had more fun laughing at them than they did at me! Some of the stories they were telling me about their town at the end of the show made me stop eating dinner and start recording. 2 words: Horse Story. Check it out!...

Just remember, what happens in Milledgeville...should probably not be repeated. This is Alvin Williams...signing off...laughing out loud...

Bars N Bands N Brothers Oh My!

2011-06-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

One of the toughest parts of being an entertainer is the travel. There are times when you just want to sit still, but you can't. It's like being a hamster on a wheel you just have to keep pushing. The only thing keeping you going is your passion for what you do (and your bank account). My booker sent me on a midwest trek to Rockville, IN. Typically anything with a "-ville" at the end of it means "Country as Hell"...this weekend was no exception. Actually, I take that back. It was EXCEPTIONALLY Country as Hell. Moving on...

I pull into my hotel called The Billie Creek Inn (I think I know what -Billie was short for). I've seen nicer hotels in No Country For Old Men. When I got up to the counter, the lady asked me "Smoking or Non-Smoking?" I said "Non-Smoking". As I walked upstairs into my room I soon realized I was incorrect, the answer was smoking.

As I go down the hallway I see pictures of the civil war. Only they were in full color...because they were pictures of a civil war reinactment. Good ones too, like when people take that shit WAY too seriously? Come to think of it...WHY do people do that? I mean if you're the North sure, do it! But what about the people in the South? No one celebrates losing but THEM! I don't think the 2009 Detroit Lions are gonna pop champagne once each team has a win this year, do you? Anyway I say all that to say this...

...Somebody elses CLOTHES were in the drawers at the hotel! WTF?!

My brothers Rod and Reno

Now that you have a picture of what I had to deal with before even thinking about the show, you should clearly be able to see why I was so excited to find out that my brothers decided to come surprise me! Reno and Rod. I was tired of looking for something positive to give myself energy, and THEY provided the boost I needed. My brother Reno had actually never seen me perform, so it was added motivation to do well. Plus they drove 5hrs there and back (PLUS they still had to pay to get in. NO FREEBIES lol)

Dude blacked out at show

So here's what I'll say about the show: I had a GREAT time. Sparky's Roadhouse was a blast! Even though I wasn't able to say one thing without a comment from the audience, it was still a good time. It was more like a town hall meeting than a comedy show, but I was the unquestioned foreman, and I somehow kept their attention. I told them "I wasn't pleased that I had to import my own black people to tonight's proceedings, but I'm still happy to be here." Once they laughed at THAT, I knew it was gonna be no problem making them laugh! Met a biker chick named Roadkill...I asked her afterward how much it would cost for her to be my bodygaurd. She laughed and gave me a hug that reminded me she probly would've knocked me out had I not let her speak while I was on stage. I also met some crazy bitch (who wanted to be acknowledged as "THE Crazy Bitch" or TCB for short) who wanted me to give her a dvd for free because I "should feel sorry for her because her ex-husband pushed her down the stairs."...Now, I don't know that dude or their situation...and I'm not one to promote domestic abuse....HOWEVER, she was bugging the hell out of me the whole night and wouldn't leave me alone because I wouldn't give her one. Then she was leanin on me and shit the whole night, THEN her friends tried to get her away from me (and apologized to me on her behalf multiple times), THEN she hit me in the back with her cast that she got because her ex-husband pushed her down the steps...which she informed me of 5 times in 2hrs Van down by the River-style. So with all that said, I will admit...at one point I was looking around for a flight of stairs (for my own exit, of course :) ) And if my girlfriend was there, screw stairs, she would've clocked TCB in the face, because that's how she ROLLS!...All and all it was a great time had by all!

After the show there was a band that played and brought the house down. Apperently I was just foreplay. Their name was The Roosters Band. They even gave me a shirt! Once they got done with their last set they let me and my brothers hang out on their tour bus. You know what we talked about the whole night?...Comedy! It's really true what they say: Comics wanna be musicians and musicians wanna be comics. We both look at each other like "How the hell do you DO that?" The tour bus was a renovated school bus with leather couches and tables. It was PIMP. Thank you guys for hanging out and showing us a good time, and for sharing that good-ass pizza!

Check em out youself at TheRoostersBand.com

My brother had such a good time that he brought his wife out to my next show in Milledgeville, IL (I'll tell you about THAT show on my next blog!). And that's where I said goodbye after such a fun-filled weekend of surprises. By the way, after my time at the Billie Creek Inn, I was never happier in my LIFE to be staying at a Super 8.

I guess I didn't have to say all that stuff about Billie Creek...I could've just been positive and talked about how fun the show in Rockville was from the very beginning of all this...but I never question anything I do when I'm passionate about it ;)

Mixin' it up at Mixers

2011-06-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

This month I took on an especially out of the way show in a lovely place called Mixers Ultra Lounge in West Plains, Missouri. West Plains holds the dubious distinction of being at LEAST 80mi away from any given airport in any direction of the country, which is really hard to do in the midwest! HOWEVER, they were easily some of the nicest most outgoing people I've ever met on the road.
At first I honestly didn't know what to expect out of the evening. I kept getting more and more lost on my way to the venue. See the problem is, the people of West Plains don't believe in using street names as a mode of conveying destinations, so apperently I took the wrong road by the train tracks next to the pond my first go-around (confused already? So was I!). Somehow I found myself inside of a Subway asking for directions. The young sandwich artist took time away from his busy craft to confuse me even more. "Mixers? Yea I know where it is...now how to get therrrre that's the issue"....No shit.

HIS directions got me straight there...to some stranger's front porch where I encountered an entire family sitting in rocking chairs, including a little kid, which I've never seen using a rocking chair before. They sent out their shirtless kid like some sort of recon drone to assess the situation. Before the kid ran up on my car I yelled "Do you guys know where Mixers is?!" One of the women laughed and said "Hell Yea, all the way across town!" The little shirtless one (he was a boy, I should clarify) then proceeded to give me pinpoint directions, street signs, highway numbers and landmarks. I was impressed. I'm sure he would've given me the shirt off his back if he had to...if he had one.

Me and Buck Aaron

So I finally make it to this bin of warehouses...Now I'm freaking out a little bit because I thought I was being set up by some kind of black-comic-trafficking ring, when I see a sign on one of the warehouses that says "Mixers"...I MADE IT! Mixers is a renovated warehouse that has 2 dance floors and a huge tv projector, plus a big sexy stage for me to perform on. I was HOME :) When I got onstage the first thing I said was "I know I'm in the right place when each table has a 2 trucker hat minimum and sleeves are optional." They laughed, I went on, and so on. I was on my way home when I decided to bust out the camera just to get a few shots of the place...boy am I glad I did that!...Let's just say what happened next is why Jeff Foxworthy still has a career. Enjoy :)

P.S. Thanks Crystal for showing me a great time at your kick-ass bar, and thank you Rachel for coming back the next morning and unlocking the place so I could get my dvds! You all were awesome and I wanna come back ASAP!

My Sister Aleks

2011-06-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

Recently while visiting Chicago I had a chance to catch up with my sister Sasha (Serbian for Aleksandra). Aleks and I are super close. We like the same music, hate on the same people, and we both do kick-ass Cher impressions (I'm an entertainer, she has NO excuse! lol). She doesn't like me to film her or take pictures of her because she swears I have an uncanny ability to capture her at the wrong place at the wrong time all the time (See Blog entry: Surprising My Mama). Well THIS time, I waited until her hair was finished before I rolled the camera...

Chocolate Covered Bacon and New Friends!

2011-05-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

I recently performed in Oregon again, which is always an adventure. I have yet to go to any city in the state that hasn't given me something fun to talk about. This time I was in Medford, and the hotel we were at gave me my own driver since I was the entertainer for the weekend, and he took me around to some places that are world famous (that I had never heard of yet), and I had some damn Chocolate Covered BACON!!! Sorry, I just had to get to it...

First we went to Lilly Belle Farms! This is the spot that Oprah AND Martha Stewart special order their hand made chocolates. Some of the chocolates I saw in there were too pretty to even eat! And by pretty I mean expensive. Sometimes you should just look at chocolate and admire it instead of breaking the bank. I'm no Oprah. Luckily they DO have free samples for non-Oprahs such as myself so it was still worth the trip! (I did buy some for Jo but she's not gettin a Christmas gift now...Shhhh!) Next we went to The Rogue Creamery, home of the best bleu cheese in the world (It's a contest, and they won it, so THERE). It was SOOOO GOOD! Good enough to the point that I'm not ashamed of the fact that I sound like a middle-aged white woman talking about yesterday's lunch. It was DELISH! :D Check out the footage...

The venue I performed at that night was Chadwick's Pub in Medford, OR. I had a terrific, relaxing 2 day stay at the Rogue Regency Suites. AWESOME! Secondly, because it is such a rarity nowadays I must give a shout out to the MC of the shows, Carl Lee, for setting the table for the other comics. He truly controlled the room in a way that is a lost art from the MC spot. Much appreciated brotha! I must say, however, even though I had a fun time the people at the show were forgettable.

Chillin' with Jess and Erin

The only people I remembered were the awesome new friends I made AFTER the show, who didn't see me tell ONE joke (For those of you who know me, you know I love nothing better than making new friends, ESPECIALLY when they haven't seen me perform, because I know they like me, not my character on stage...Makes a huge difference ya know :)) Erin Whipple (yes that's her real name. How awesome is that?!), her boyfriend Jess, Ashley, and Jami. Cool People! I actually met them on my way out of the club. Here's how it went down: I was looking for my dvds to pack them up and go to my hotel room, when I noticed there was a coat on top of them, and a group of people who hadn't been to the show were crowded around the table. THEY STOLE MY SALES TABLE! I looked over at the lady closest to the jacket since I assumed it was hers and said "Ummm, excuse me?"...Without breaking conversation she handed me an empty glass and said "You can take this one I'm done with it"...You see, she thought I worked there because I was wearing a solid black shirt, and she had not been to the show to see me making people laugh at events such as these that have happened in my life in the past. Actually, NOTHING has ever happened to me like that, so that's why it made the blog! lol Anyway, once we sorted out that I didn't work there, she laughed when she realized that my face was on the front of the dvds she threw her jacket over! Her man Jess then stepped in and bought a dvd because he figured if I was this funny when I was just tryin to get my shit, I had to be funny on stage! Best reason to buy my dvd EVER! I signed it for them and they bought me a couple drinks (thanks Ashley :)), and we chatted for the rest of the night. If I didn't have a flight the next morning I would've gone bar hopping with them, but I decided to be responsible...and I still kinda regret it because they were so fun! But hey, we'll always have Medford ;)

P.S. Shout out to Kamee Hall, the karaoke dj/singer after our show was done. We compared boyfriend/girlfriend stories after the show and I wowed her with my knowledge of chick flicks. Apparently I watch more chick flicks than most chicks??? I'll have to verify that in another blog :)

Los Angeles (Hangin' with C.O.A.S.T.A.L. and Leo Flowers)

2011-05-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Every comic has to gain a foothold in the LA scene if they want to make it in this industry. I'm just starting to get my feet wet. I haven't made the move yet because I prefer the surroundings of the country for living. I'll VISIT anywhere though. See, LA is like this attractive girl that you get infatuated with on your first date, then decide to move in with her WAY too soon. So what happens when you get in your first argument? You want to get away from this person but now you can't, not without losing everything. I maintain that the best part about performing in LA for me is that I get to go back home. I live in Idaho, and quite honestly, can you blame me? Cost of living is strangely cheap, and all the white guilt you can handle (people are always apologizing to me if they think I was offended by something they said, which I never am, I just think it's funny to watch em sweat!), and no traffic, EVER! Unless a deer decides to get all uppity and just stand there in the middle of the road. It happens here, kinda creepy too.

I maintain that deer and streetlights are mutually exclusive items: If you see one, you shouldn't be seeing the other. Yet when I lived in Boise, ID, I was 2 blocks away from my house one night around 2am and saw FIVE deer...on the SIDEWALK. One of the deer had ventured into the street, and the other ones were just watching (I would also like to point out that the deer used the crosswalk and waited for the green light. I am not under any circumstances exaggerating what I saw.) It looked like they couldn't make their mind up which club to got to or something, and the one that went started walking like "Fuck it! I'm goin to Hannah's!" (that's a Boise joke, don't worry about it) I was on the phone at the time and I just paused. I think I was more freightened by the fact that the deer were so smart! Another side effect of living in Idaho is that you think stories about wildlife are interesting to other people...My bad. Moving on to my most recent LA trip:

I performed at The Ice House in Pasadena for the weekend, and had the chance to perform with the talented Michael Loftus. He was a writer on The George Lopez show, as well as Outsourced. He looks a hell of a lot like Stephen Colbert, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't him, even though he's just as funny. When I first got booked for the show, the booker told me I had to be clean. I can be clean, it's just not as fun really :) But it turns out that their version of clean isn't too restrictive at all. I've performed at churches, birthday parties, and banquets that I didn't know kids were going to be at until 5min beforehand...THAT'S clean. Not just "Don't say fuck more than once". THIS I could handle. While I was there a funny thing happened:

My cousins are from the group C.O.A.S.T.A.L. If you haven't heard of them, you will, and then you'll look back at this blog and be like "I didn't know they were related!" We are. And they'll be coming to your town probably before I do, so keep up with em at www.myspace.com/coastaltrax and you'll be one of those people who acts like they're up on everything before everyone else...that's why you're HERE ain't it? :)

I don't get to see my family much, so I invited them to my show one night and they let me tag along with them for some of their record company meetings the next morning. While I was in town I also got to catch up with one of my friends from high school, which you're probably used to seeing me do by now. Resheida Brady, my Lincoln Park sweetheart from back in the day. We were all chillin in the green room when we met one of the comics on the bill that night who was doin a guest spot gearing up for Lopez Tonight. Leo Flowers. Leo is funny as HELL. You've probly seen him before on tv, or if you're bald, I'm pret-ty sure he's the guy on the front of the HeadLube products at WalMart (I don't have to say his name anymore you can watch the vid, he'll take it from here!)...

Anyway, there you have it. The green room was ALL Chicago, in LA. And whenever you get a chance to visit LA, check out the Ice House Comedy Club. Who knows, maybe you'll see me there when you go...:)

On The Road with Laffs Express - Boston

2011-05-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

Recently I was selected to participate in the Boston Comedy Festival in Los Angeles (no, the irony isn't lost on me). Had an amazing time and met some amazingly talented individuals. Comedy is a very small-knit community and it wouldn't surprise me if the comics who I met will be household names in the next 2 years. The comics who won my night were Thai Rivera and Jen Murphy. Both had great sets that night and the audience was electric! I thought I had a great set too, but the judges didn't pick me. Such is life. I wish those 2 the best because they're both classy individuals off the stage as well, and that's what matters most if you ask me.

In the meantime here's a recent trip I filmed while performing IN Boston, or as I like to call it, New Los Angeles. It's the first part of a series of films entitled On The Road With Laffs Express. Laffs Express is who I do most of my shows for, and I have a certain level of loyalty toward them over anybody else because they were the first people who allowed me to headline 3 years ago. I've grown exponentially in a short amount of time because I was given a chance, and that's all comics want is an opportunity to show how great we can be when the lights are on. Hope you enjoy!

Annette and Kylie

2011-05-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

Some of the best comics in the world aren't really that funny behind closed doors (...eh hem), and some of the funniest people in the world never go on a stage. Annette Mullen is hilarious. She's amazingly fun to be around, and her daughter is ridiculously adorable. As a matter of fact, if you've ever listened to my cd The Golden Child, Kylie is the little girl who sings to me in the beginning (you'll also hear Annette being a Stage Mom, which is how she got her nickname from me :)). I met Annette at an open mic when I lived in Boise, and she was just trying out stand-up, and we've been family ever since! I had the opportunity to visit her and Ky while I was in Boise recently. By the way, if her face looks familiar to you, you're either a comic, or an ex-con, because she works as a correctional officer now (HOT right?!), and she doesn't do comedy anymore...not on stage at least (watch the vid to see what I mean). I used to practically live at her house when I was in Boise, and when I tell you this was how it was every day over there, I MEAN it. I just happened to have a camera with me this time...

Love You Guys!

Zanies and Friends

2011-05-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

I recently performed at the illustrious Zanies Comedy Club on the north side of Chicago, IL.
For those of you who follow me, you know that I was born and raised in Chicago, and no I don't refer to it as Chi-town, or The Chi, or any other thing that mostly tourists refer to it as. No I don't have an accent like you see on old tapes Saturday Night Live either. Most of us don't. YOU have an accent to us. You can't tell me you live in Alabama and watch the news and go "Those people sound JUST like me!" They have what's called "Non-regional Diction", which means no accent...and that's what midwestern people sound like...except for people from Wisconsin...Moving on.

I moved when I was 15 years old, and started my comedy career when I was 22 (I count from my first professional show, but I've been doing comedy at high schools since I was 16). But up until last Monday, I had never had the opportunity to perform in front of my hometown. Even within my own family, only my mom and dad had ever seen me perform live, and they had to travel to Idaho to see it. As a matter of fact the majority of friends I have now are people who I've met at shows out west. My Chicago friends had never gotten to see me perform, though I was a bit of a class clown for a short stint, but that's another story for another day. The Zanies people gave me 8 comp tickets. I told my mom use 4, and I'll give 4 to my friends. 32 PEOPLE showed up on my behalf. I saw family members and friends who I haven't seen for as long as 13 years! Unfortunately I was only showcasing and only did 10min, so I couldn't have one of my normal shows where I bullshit with the audience for half the show, but MAN was I surprised and happy as hell to see my people. I had a ton of friends from my old grammer school show up who I thought I'd never get to see again. And they're all grown up and pretty now!...You too Russell hahaha!

What a night. I honestly didn't have my best show, but it didn't matter when you receive this much love...

I would also like to point out that I also had an epiphany as to why it bothers me so much when people break plans. When I was living in Chicago, no one EVER flaked on me when we made plans, and my friends lived all the way on the north side and I lived on the south side. Every friend I had always kept their word when they said they were gonna be there. Living in Colorado, Idaho and Washington and Oregon and performing quite a bit in Cali, I notice the people out west have a flaking problem. God Bless the ones who don't, but most of you do. Think about it. Change it. In the meantime, shout out to Midwestern folk for always keeping their word! PEACE! :)

Hangin wit Brit

2011-05-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

I was in Boulder, CO recently doing a private show, which since you all don't know where it was, I can tell you it sucked to be there and I'll never do it again. I despise doing shows for stuffy rich people. They have nothing in common with a broke comic. Anyway! Since I knew ahead of time my night was gonna suck, I decided to try to catch up with Brittney, one of my best friends in the entire universe. Brit was one of the first friends I had when I moved to CO back in 2000, and we've been tight ever since. It's very rare that you keep the friends you meet in high school because there are so many fundamental changes that take place in people's personalities between adolescence and adulthood. Somehow Brit and I both went through major personality overhauls and developed the same laid back, candid yet charming personality...at least I think we're charming...that's why this tape is so long! We make it a point to see each other once a year to catch up, but this time I decided to stick a camera in her face the whole day (thanks for being so cool about it Miss :)) Here's some footage from our 2011 visit...

DorkenTV

2011-05-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

Here is a video that was shot of me by DorkenTV while I was in Denver performing at Wits End Comedy Club. Thought you all would enjoy it!...

See more DorkenTV @ http://www.youtube.com/user/dorKenTV !

Shades of Black

2011-05-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

The Shades of Black Festival has a special place in my heart. It's where I did my first actual stand-up in front of a college audience. I still remember how nervous I was to perform in front of people who I hung out with. Before then I had only performed at high schools! From that fateful day in 2007, I have now become the host of the event and I can't be more proud to be both an alum as a performer and a host. Here's some footage from this years Shades:

Jen Adams

2011-05-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

This may be hard to believe...but I used to have a REAL job :) In 2007 I had just graduated college and I was a Network Systems Trainer for St. Alphonsus Medical Group in Boise, ID. I had worked there for a year and I just dabbled in comedy as a social hobby on the weekends. But just like most real job experiences in this country, I got laid off. I wasn't upset because even back then I knew I wasn't meant for the corporate world, I just didn't know where my path would lead next. I called my brother and told him I was thinking about actually trying this whole stand-up thing on the road. My brother told me "HELL YEA, DO DAT SHIT SON." He was drunk at the time, but that happens quite a bit, so you gotta take him at his word no matter the alcohol level. Then he said something that stuck with me, and it's advice that I give to most comics who are single, with no kids and no job: "Do what you wanna do...Because you've got plenty of time before you do what you have to do." Pretty good huh? :)

At the same time I was living in Boise, I had the opportunity to meet Jen Adams at an open mic. At a hookah bar. Needless to say my career has come a long way since those days. But before there was a career, I was unemployed and scared of goin on the road. I wasn't ready to make the jump. That's where Jen came into my life and changed it forever. Her words: "Nah, fuck that. You're a comic. That's what you need to do."
A few bar gigs and crap-ass Tribble Runs later, the rest is history :) Jen was my mentor. She took me in and taught me how to sell myself to bookers, she recommended me to a couple of her bookers, and even helped me pick out headshots to send off. Without her, there wouldn't even be this blog you're reading...all 14 of you :) It's amazing to think after 4.5 years of hard work, I left Boise as an out of work comic, and came back only to visit as a headlining act. While I was in town I had the opportunity to meet up with her and talk about memories past...Thank you for everything Jen. I love you so so so much!

Heather Turman

2011-05-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you who follow me and my schedule you will notice on many of them it says "Also Performing: Heather Turman".

Heather is to me what a fluffy blanket is to a little kid: I take her everywhere I can, and I start whining if they don't let me. She's my opening act (for now at least, til she gets her own sitcom), and we make a great team. She's so clever and so easily funny that I know the sky's the limit for her. I still remember the first time we performed together and we were in the middle of nowhere (also known as Midland, TX), and Heather immediately took a room full of drunk Mexicans by storm (true story: not racist, just an observation). She said things that I don't have the balls to say anymore for fear of losing my paycheck at the end of the night, so I was living vicariously through her racial rant as I watched everyone in the room trying to catch their breath from laughing so hard. I told her after the show that I wanted her to perform with me from then on, and she laughed me off cuz I guess she thought I was joking. I wasn't. And we've been working together ever since! I've told her on multiple occasions when she's ready to headline on her own I will step out of the way and support her in everything she chooses to do. Her response? "F**K THAT! I don't care how famous I ever become I will ALWAYS be your feature!"...She was drunk at the time, but the loyalty is clearly there!

You'll see her a lot on my blog so here's some of my favorite Heather tid bits of wisdom as we've been on the road (spoiler alert: I film her whenever she's been drinking...that's when the real Turman magic starts to shine) Love you Stackz!...

***Check out Heather at http://www.heatherbrained.com/!***

My Mama :)

2011-05-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wondered where I get my infectious giggle, silliness, and loving personality from, look no further. I'll say it before and I'll say it again: My mom is the funniest person I've ever met. My dad is just as funny, but he KNOWS he's funny, which makes mom so much more entertaining to watch live. I'm sure there will be many more times my mom is on the blog, but seen in this vid is a rarity: Me and ALL my brothers in one place at one time. This is what mom asked for on her 60th birthday, that "all her sons be with her"...and that we go to Vegas...and to church. Click on the video to get a view of my real life :)

Alvin's 10 Commandments of Women (Read At Your Own Risk)

2010-11-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

    When it comes to women, my standards are very high. Not because I'm a jerk, but more because I've grown up around some remarkably beautiful, intelligent and FUNNY ones since I was 5 years old. Yes they do exist, and it's what I'm used to. As a result, women are very easy for me to understand. And what I understand is they are ALL crazy. Whacked. Insecure. Jealous. Loving. Caring. Sexy. And RANDOM as HELL...I know, right on the money huh?

    Now I've been blessed to have gained such...invaluable knowledge along the way. It has recently been put on my heart to share this knowledge with the world, and I feel now's as good a time as any to share. So men, without further ado, here's my list of To Do's to find, have, or keep a great woman in your life:

1) Be Confident -  We've all heard it : "Nice Guys Finish Last". WRONG. Nice Guys actually get a head start, they just don't move as fast. They're too busy looking over their shoulder at everyone gaining on them and they get too cautious, talking themselves out of the prize as they watch everyone else run past them. Next thing you know you're wiping the sweat off of the winner's forhead so he doesn't drip all over your lady friend when he's makin out with her (cuz it's the nice thing to do). Don't mistake Nice with Passive. Women often mistake your lack of signals for disinterest (Yes, they're as blind as you are most of the time) A lot of times people miss out on each other because of mixed signals. Stop acting like a victim because she's dating a guy who showed interest.

2) Be Honest - I've always heard this myth about "The Friend Zone". Once you get caught in it, there's no going back...Now think about that for a second: WHY would a woman want to be with somebody she couldn't be friends with? Being someone's friend is not a bad thing.  The real problem is people act like they're comfortable with the friendship they're in when truthfully they want more but won't admit it. If that's you, then YOU are the one in the wrong, not her. You're a wolf in sheep's clothing, and the longer you wait to tell her how you feel, the harder it is to tell her, and pretty soon it's gonna get weird by the time you actually come clean. Who knows, you might have had a shot if you hadn't been an actor for so long.

Honesty is my strong suit. There's not one woman friend that I have who doesn't know I'm crazy about them. I LOVE them. But I also know we are just friends, and they know that I know that. If I wasn't comfortable being their friend because I had stronger feelings, they would have to GO! Which brings me to my next point...

3) Don't Kid Yourself - Have you ever had a woman guilt trip you because you don't want to hang out once you realize you don't have a chance with them?...So what, basically they're saying they wished you would have just suffered silently so they didn't have to think about your feelings right? Seems like it. I'm exaggerating a bit here, but the point is you DON'T need that. If you can't handle it, walk AWAY. You will only make it worse between the 2 of you if you don't. Only you truly know where the line is in your heart, and if you feel like it would hurt too much to be "just friends" then...hey it probably will. Why don't you take some of that energy and invest it in someone who will give you what you're missing? Don't waste your time on someone or something you want but will never have, it's unhealthy. And yes, that friend may call you selfish for doing that. But honestly, they're being selfish for suggesting otherwise.

4) Put away the Pedestal - Hey, Casanova...Did you know women poop? They are human beings dude. Don't start that talk about "She can do better than him." "She wouldn't want me." "She's so amazing" What's so damn amazing? That she has boobies and you don't?...Ok, maybe you do too, but that's one MORE reason for you to realize she's no more special than you are. Don't sell yourself short in the process of over-pricing her. I will guarantee you she doesn't think that way about herself, and she probably knows herself better than you ever could, so drop the secret poetry you write about her at 2am on facebook but never send. It's faggy (Not GAY...Faggy. There's a huge difference). We're all just human and we all deserved to be loved. Love yourself, you'd be amazed at how well that will help you with the opposite sex.

5) Oh look, Another One! - For every one girl who doesn't like you...there's probably 5 more who don't like you too. I wouldn't worry about them...they're probably her friends anyway. I would worry about the 6 who I haven't even met yet. They're out there, open your eyes!

6) Heartbreaks and Level 8's... - Relationships are like video games. Don't believe me? Imagine This: Say you bought a game that everyone told you was awesome. You've played it for 1-2 years. It was fun and exciting at first, then you got stuck on the same level for months on end until one day, the game crashed. Everything you worked on for the last 2 years is GONE. You're angry. Confused. You don't know why this happened (or perhaps you do, maybe a Cheat gone wrong?). In any case, all these emotions you experience are blocking the fact that this game wasn't right for you to begin with! You weren't having fun anymore, but you invested so much time and effort that you weren't ready to call it quits yet (not when it wasn't on your terms anyway). In all honesty that game quitting on you was the best thing that ever happened to you. So with all that said...why are you so upset? I'll tell you why: It sucks to start over.

So does that mean you're gonna stop playing forever? Don't be silly. A TRUE gamer will always find the next best game. He'll go out of his way to get it before anyone else has a crack at it...so why is this so hard to do in real life?  The last girl you dated isn't the last girl you'll ever meet. Stop moping and move on. There are way too many women in the world for you to be stuck on one that doesn't like you anymore. Play ON! (and on a side note, you're lucky gamers don't like girls as much as they do Halo, or you wouldn't stand a chance!)

7.)  SHUT. UP. - My mom was the first person who helped me realize that I don't have to say anything to be part of a discussion. Every woman I've ever known since then has passed that torch (...makes you wonder when the damn opening ceremonies are gonna start.) Sometimes women just wanna vent...No really, that's it. You might KNOW how to solve her problem...Doesn't matter, keep your f**kin mouth shut. I bet you a pint of Ben & Jerry's they already know how to solve their problem too...doesn't mean they're not pissed off about it. Whatever it is, let em get it off their chest...it's one less obstacle on your way to her bra.

8.) Be You - Easier said than done...but DOABLE. The key is to find out who you are first. Truth is...you might be an asshole like everyone says. But last I checked, that's never stopped anyone from getting a shot at a good woman has it? Don't ever...EVER-ever-ever hide who you are to try to win someone over. The real you will come out eventually so you might as well put your cards on the table...unless you're just looking to Poker...

9.) Quit While You're Ahead - When you finally DO manage to get the girl, and you know she's the one for you...Stop. When your friends tell you that you can't do any better than her, take it as a compliment, not a challenge.

10.) Last But Not Least... - Whenever in doubt, just remember: The Perfect Woman for you, is the one who makes you forget about all the rules :)

These are the laws as they are written. Go Forth and Prosper. Send the message to the masses. Oh...and You're SO Welcome!

Sincerely,

Alvin Williams