A'Esha Goins is The #1 Dating Guru

Heartbroken and Yet in Love

usewisdom — Fri, 22 Nov 2013 00:36:33 +0000

Thinking back on when it was that I decided that being a wife and mother was too much work. It was the moment my heart was broken. I remember feeling, what was the point. All my passion had been given away to a man that refused to return the sentiment. It seemed helpless to invest in the little things, like keeping my home clean, and my house pretty. Now, I wasn’t nasty by any means, but if no one would be there to recognize the labor of love. What was the point? In my mind there wasn’t one.

My son was too young too understand that it mattered and I was too heartbroken to care. The love letters I wrote would never be read and my hearts yearning couldn’t be fixed. My love loss turned into loss with much misunderstanding. It didn’t stop me from believing in love right away. That happened gradually. I knew there was life after love I just didn’t see how it could ever be possible for me again.

I hurt in a place I couldn’t explain to anybody. My prayers turned into pleading for understanding. I wanted to know, why did this happen to me? When would I be able to feel like “me” again? Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and I still didn’t have an answer. My regular life had become isolated and without intent. I was waking up every morning just hoping I wouldn’t think about him that day. I was coming home every night to an empty home within myself, cluttered and filled of unknowingness.

Then one day I had enough!! 1 year had past and I had mourned that relationship like a lost loved one. I had cried everyday a tear for every hurt and pain for everyone in my life. All that emotion was overwhelming for me. I wasn’t in practice of showing emotion and now it had over flowed from places I didn’t understand. I knew I wasn’t whole and enough was enoug, I needed to be made whole. Not for another man but for me. I asked the Lord to give me the desires of my heart.

My prayer began to change and I started praying to be made whole. I wanted to be able to trust the Lord with my heart. I had trusted man and he had failed me. My mother said to me, baby trust the Lord with your heart. He wants to love you. I started writing love letters to my Christ and telling Him how much I loved Him and how grateful to Him I was for never leaving me alone. This was the beginning of me getting my life back. Finding “me” again. Not the me that I was but the me God wanted me to be.

He would take me through all of that to get me here with Him. It was worth it! WOW!! It was worth it. Not only do I not hurt in those places anymore but I can help others from their hurt. I learned my value. Knowing that I was priceless is what strengthened me to be a better woman. Now I understand that I am God’s wife and he has entrusted me to be my Prince’s mother. I am so special to God that he has given me authority to speak over my sons and my life. He has made me an heiress to His throne and has adopted me in one of the most loving families.

Now see, having my heartbroken was the best thing that man could have done to me. it put me in position to allow the Lord to mend it. It opened an opportunity to learn how to love the way God intended. This makes me available to be found by the man he has chosen for me, I am so special to God.

Diary Of A Serial Dater ” Call in the Alternate”

usewisdom — Sun, 06 Oct 2013 16:20:38 +0000

Dear Diary,

I promise you I am trying to be on my best behavior. I spent the whole weekend keeping myself busy instead of pimping myself out. Life was much easier when I could send out a blast text and in moments, I would be in the company of a man. Nowadays I send out ONE TEXT and wait for “ONE MAN” to respond and if he isn’t available…. I wait? ARGH!! (What in the hell!! This is some stupid crap!!) and wait… and waiting… and I AM STILL WAITING!! It’s Sunday. On Friday night I almost called in an alternate. The ONLY reason I didn’t is, I knew I would be writing this diary entry and I didn’t want to hold myself accountable to my “ho tendencies.” LOL!

The alternate is someone I have known for years and I know won’t complicate things. Most single women have an alternate but most men think they are “just friends.” Well actually that is true. They are “just friends” until we need an alternate. LOL! Then they are just friends we can sleep with and go back to being “just friends.” The alternate is a woman’s best kept secret. We keep them around without anyone knowing. He is such a secret, the alternate doesn’t know himself. Most women have 1 alternate, I maintain a few. It is too risky to only have one, he may get into a relationship while he’s on deck. If he is in a relationship that will complicate things and complication goes completely against the whole idea of “the alternate.”

This weekend I wanted to enjoy being a one man at a time dater. I discussed this in great detail with the man I am seeing. I suggested I cook dinner, we stay in watch movies and snuggle. He was game and I was excited. 10 hours later I am at home waiting for him to call me to come over, 4 hours after that I am upset and hurt. I text him to say so, he calls and guess where he was? At work… Someone called out and he had to stay. You are probably thinking, where is the communication with this, right? Yea, I am asking the same thing. By the way, this is a serial dater that is writing. By the 5th hour I have already began texting my alternate.

Anyway, I digress. He apologized for the inconvenience and for hurting me. Doesn’t make any other plans to make it up. Texts me the rest of the weekend without ever mentioning us getting together. My heart tells me one thing, ” he’s not that into you.” My mind responds to my heart and calls in the alternate.

Yours truly,

#1 Dating Guru

A’Esha Goins

Diary Of a Serial Dater “No Date”

usewisdom — Tue, 01 Oct 2013 20:12:31 +0000

Diary of a Serial Dater:

Dear Diary,

It has been over 40 days since I have been out on a date with a man. It hasn’t hurt but it hasn’t been fun either. I enjoy the company of a man as I assume most women do, however for me it’s also flattering. I very rarely turn down an offer but lately I have been desiring something a little longer lasting.

All the men I know are good men just not the right man for me. I prefer them better as friends. I have referred a few to single women I know and the others… well they should remain single for a while.

The only thing I regret about waiting for the right man is… the waiting. In some ways it seems absolutely ridiculous to NOT enjoy the fish that are available in the big ol sea. Yet, in other ways I know that dating random Kats is a distraction from me actually settling down with the right one. I can not help but ask myself if waiting for the right one really matters?

I mean really, shouldn’t I have fun while I wait? Why does society dictate that I should be miserable and bored? To be honest, I could care less if someone calls me a ho. They are already calling me gay, and I never deny or confirm that accusation. LOL! I know, by definition, I am not promiscuous however, in some circles what I have done in my past could classify me as a ho. ( shrugging my shoulders) It is what it is!

The struggle to remain in purgatory is “REAL!” I do not know how women do it. I have gone out with my girls, invited more work, took up a hobby, spent more time with my son, parents and my sisters and brothers, went to church, stopped going to church and now I am practicing and teaching meditation. Even with all of this… I STILL miss the companionship of a man.

This “single by choice” crap is for the damn birds and you can have it! I prefer being available much more!

Your friend in purgatory,

~1 Dating Guru

A’esha Goins

www.aeshagoins.com

Are you afraid of success?

usewisdom — Mon, 09 Sep 2013 17:59:50 +0000

If you are afraid of success, what do you intend to do about it?

This blog is compelling simply because it questions the why and answers the why not?

Get in the position to receive

usewisdom — Tue, 16 Jul 2013 20:34:36 +0000

I have been waiting on “the greatest love story ever told.” As of this morning I am no longer waiting, I am receiving it. Being in a position to receive takes work and understanding. The bible says in Proverbs In all thine getting get an understanding. It is in this scripture that “purpose” is explained.

I have prayed and cried, cried and prayed. Lord make me whole and fix my heart. Only until I declared I was whole and my heart was fixed did I then shift into position to receive the promise. It is Gods desire that we be in companionship. He calls the church his bride and describes the first covenant as a marriage. He made man then created companionship by creating woman. It is evident that it was important to Him.

I sometimes find it appalling when people say, “you should settle in being single.” No I shouldn’t!! I can declare that I will be married and bare children and receive just that. It is a trick of the enemy to settle in a position that is not Gods calling for you. That is ANY position! If you know that God has called you to be a wife and a mother, you don’t ever have to settle. Have peace in where you are, but the Bible says in James 5 The effective “feverent” prayers of the righteous availith much!! This means do not lose faith because you don’t think you are yielding results. As a matter of fact, do just the opposite. Stay in prayer until your faith matches up with your desires and then you yield results.

Be mindful that faith without works is dead. If you want to receive love, you must first give love and find yourself in loving positions. If you want companionship you must first find yourself in relationship with Christ. If you want the man to find a good wife you must first find yourself wifely. Get into position to receive. Take a self survey, are you ready? Have you learned humility, unconditional love, withstanding temperament, Godly relationship, service minded, and is there a need? Are you too independent that there isn’t a requirement for companionship? Truly, where is your heart’s desire? Having a need and being needy are two different things.

I woke up this morning in praise because I had finally gotten my understanding. My sacrifice has been great but that was to make me available for my reward. Learning and giving love put me in position to receive. When my spirit was in position to receive I was then no longer in the position to reject. For you see, the opposite of receiving is rejecting. If you’re not doing one you’re definitely doing the other.

76 Interesting Facts about Dating & Relationships

usewisdom — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 20:33:29 +0000

76 Interesting Facts about Dating & Relationships.

5 Ways Husbands Can Do What Jesus Did…in Our Marriages

usewisdom — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 19:05:51 +0000

5 Ways Husbands Can Do What Jesus Did…in Our Marriages.

You gotta know when to holdem, know when to foldem, know when to walk away, know when to run

usewisdom — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 16:32:08 +0000

Although I love fully it doesn’t mean that I will be available. I’ve learned over the years that relationships are all about timing. Both people have to be in agreement at the same time. If not.. well, there’s no relationship. There’s just one persons wishful thinking and hope.

I’ve been around many people that hold on to hope. Actually, I’ve been one of them, twice. I fell in love which turned into disparity and ended in pain. I had hope that was based on a fantasy.

The sad story was, I wanted more they wanted less. Simple resolve brought me my greatest comfort. I quickly learned to choose love and not fall.

I wanted to stay in love but I faced facts instead. I realized my passion was a choice and I was choosing wrong. I wanted more and he wanted less. The easiest resolve was to give him less.

Making the choice to walk away, hurt. It didn’t hurt because I no longer offered passion to someone that didn’t appreciate it. I hurt because I was giving up the hope. Yea, something hopeless to hope in just because I needed to hope in something.

I never did run away. I casually and wisely walked out. The choice has made me feel courageous and powerful. It hasn’t stopped me from loving it’s only made me available to it. I don’t believe in falling in love, however choosing to love someone great, is easy.

I am only interested in relationships of reciprocity. Otherwise, we’re not in agreement.

A’Esha Goins 03/13 by MarthaShow | Blog Talk Radio

usewisdom — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 06:00:41 +0000

A’Esha Goins 03/13 by MarthaShow | Blog Talk Radio.

Safe Place

usewisdom — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 05:54:46 +0000

When you choose to love one of the qualities you’re looking for is to feel safe in the relationship. That safe place builds trust and offers stability. Each person needs something different to feel safe in a relationship. Me, I need loyalty, honesty and consistency.

If the loyalty bond is broken I will detach myself immediately. I love quickly but I trust rarely. I spent more than a few years in the Foster System and one thing it taught me was, people will always do what’s in their best interest inspight of you. Because of that I don’t trust people unless they have a characteristics of loyalty and can show consistency in it.

Truthfully most people are honest. Honesty is a quality I see in most hearts. I’m always told, I have a way of bringing the transparency out of people. I consider that a great compliment however, a persons honesty alone doesn’t make me trust them. It’s their consistency to operate in it for the sake of wanting to bond. Honesty is an important characteristics but for me, it’s only effective if applied to the betterment of our bond.

Ahhh, consistency….. I think I’ve mentioned this a few times already huh? Consistency is greatly important for me. Many men come into my life and promise they will be different. In many ways each of them have been but their inability to be consistent leaves me loving them from a distant.

Inconsistency breaks the bond in my safe place and only leaves me not trusting. It’s unfortunate, because I really want to have the opportunity to trust. I long for that place where I can lay my head on his chest & his shoulders are wide enough. I’ve witnessed consistency in my leaders marriage, I know it’s possible.

I long for that safe place and have accidentally expected it in the wrong relationships. I don’t hold them accountable, I hold myself accountable, I chose to love.

I pray for my restoration and my safe place where loyalty, honesty and consistency is available openly. What I’ve learned is if I stay hidden in GOD he will keep me safe.