The Ohio Blog

Yes Already, It's THE Biggest Game EVER

2006-11-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

What a perfect fucking storm.

Michigan is about to get the shit kicked out of them in the wildest baptism of chaos Ohio has ever seen. Columbus is alight with the amplified anticipation of the two best college football teams in the world, who have spent the last 100 years hating each others guts, finally getting a chance to step it up for a 50/50 chance to say, "You know what? Fuck you. No seriously, FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE GOD DAMN LIFE." Only on a football field. Yeah. It's on like that.

Wanna know how crazy this shit is going to be? Game day in Columbus is like fucking Mardi Gras. Every. Single. Game. High Street even has specific instructions for "Football Days" posted on the same signs that inform you of street sweeping and bus stops. No shit. Add to that the fact that the biggest game of every season is always the Michigan game. This one game is such an instituation, there's even a punk band called the "Dead Schembechlers" who only plays the night before said game, yet they've been around since 1990. I'm not making this up.

Now let's up the anty even more. Both teams are going into this game undefeated (which hasn't happened since Richard Nixon was fucking president), each one just peeing their pants waiting for the chance to show the other how much better than they are than the other team.

What, that's not sounding like enough lunacy, you goddamn demolision derby freak? Get this: Ohio State and Michigan are ranked 1 and 2 respectively. This has never happened before. Columbus isn't sure whether to prepare for a riot, a parade, a tornado, or a nuclear fucking holocost. But we're not afraid to die. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened in American sports. Ever!

The whole state of Michigan is looking down in hatred, wishing the fucking game was in Ann Arbor. But it's not. It's in Columbus damit. Columbus! And we're ready to burn every car and truck with Michigan plates from here to fucking Toledo. EAT MY POSIONOUS NUTS YOU GODDAMN MITTEN SHAPED STATE!

This is so fucking nuts, the former Michigan coach had a god damn heart attack while talking about the game. That's how pumped he was. If Bo Shembechler (now dead) could come back for a last sentence, I'm sure he would say, "Enjoy the game you lucking non-dead bastards!" So yeah. Enjoy. I know I will.

Bill Watterson: Ohio's own J.D. Salinger

2006-10-25T12:40:00.000-04:00

Remember Calvin & Hobbes? A lot of people must, as the Calvin & Hobbes collections (the only officially licensed merchandize you can still buy - sorry Ford/Chevy truck decals) are consistently somewhere on the New York Times best-seller list.

The man behind Calvin & Hobbes is Bill Watterson who, as his comic unequivicolly proves, is a genius. Who else could single-handedly write and draw a comic so original, beautiful, thought provoking, and oh yeah, funny? No one. Duh, that's why he's a genius.

Not only that, no one else in popular culture history has been able to play the game, break all the rules, and quit at the height of their fame all while flat out refusing to sell out (the only possible exception being The KLF). While Peanuts characters hawk everything from life insurance to amusement parks, and Garfield can be found everywhere from stuffed dolls to boxer shorts, Watterson's characters can only be found in one place: his comics.

On top of all these wonderful things, Bill Waterson is also apparently a lifetime Ohioan. He grew up and still lives in Chagrin Falls, a suburb of Cleveland, and even attended Kenyon College. Who knew? He's also reclusive, so if you Chagrin Falls people run into him, don't say anything. Just smile and remember how awesome he is (and Ohio by association).

GOP = Getting Ohioans Pissed

2006-10-17T20:29:00.000-04:00

Ah, sweet, delicious schadenfreude.

Ohio Reaches New Low: Trashiness Causes Highway Accident

2006-10-13T10:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, a car driving down interstate 75 in Toledo swerved, flipped several times, and then landed in an embankment. The two men inside the car fortunately walked away with only a few broken bones, but they could have just as easily been killed.

At first, I'm sure police were confused by the accident, as the object the driver had swerved to avoid wouldn't have been immediately obvious. Only after several interviews would the truth have been revealed: the driver had swerved to avoid a flying bra.

The undergarment in question had formerly been attached to the antenna of a car driving in front of them piloted by 17 year old Tabitha Adams.

I can only gather that the two men were engaged in a heated discussion involving a lot of hand gestures. One of these hand motions must have been mistaken by Tabitha's passenger Emily Davis for a well known red neck mating call, the infamous "show me your tits" gesture. This was all the encouragement young Emily needed, for so eager was she to expose herself, she removed her bra without any further provocation. With the car still in motion, Emily then attempted to attach the bra to the car's antenna, which resulted in the bra flying through the air, causing the unsuspecting car behind them to swerve, thus leading to the aforementioned accident.

Emily Davis was charged with littering, as of course there are no laws in Ohio prohibiting excessive bad taste.

I'm proud to say the two bright young women who perpetrated this brilliant act of terrorism are from Bowling Green, Ohio (not Kentucky), where I attended college. Bowling Green's principle exports are corn, more corn, sexually transmitted diseases, and apparently white trash teenagers that like to expose their breasts to unsuspecting motorists.

And my degree grows more valuable by the day.

Hamilton, Ohio

2006-10-08T19:57:00.000-04:00

One more thing that's great about Ohio: Hamilton, the only US town to add a "!" to their name, as they did in 1986.

Wow... Hamilton! is such a good town name. It's not just a great city, it's a complete sentence!

Hamilton!

I imagine the late 80s must have been halcion days for the people of Hamilton! Can you imagine how stoked you'd be all day long if you lived in a city with a friggin "!" in the name? It'd be like smoking crack while being repeated punched in the nuts! What a concept!

The name did have some haters though. The US Board of Geographic Names didn't take too kindly to the name change and rejected it. Don't hate the player, US Board of Geographic Names, hate the game.

Unfortunately, the "!" was like a party, and parties weren't meant to last. City council removed the "!" in 1991, claiming it didn't look right on Hamilton's bicentennial seal, which the mayor designed. Too bad mister fancy pants mayor could embrace his own city's identity. Goddamn Benedict Arnold.

So now, 15 years later, we look back and remember fondly, Hamilton!

Special thanks to the lovely Vicky Carr for bringing this to my attention.

Don't fuck with Cleveland!

2006-10-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

Ohio Poll: Citizens Aware of the Blatantly Obvious

2006-10-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

I enjoy this article a lot. It says that Ohioans, by and large, think Ohio's economy sucks, and have faith that the current government has done everything it can to help stuff Ohio's big fat dead ass further and further down the toilet. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

On the one hand, Ohioans realizing that their state has a craptastic economy is like Anna Nicole Smith just now realizing her son has a drug problem. On the other hand, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem - and holy shit, do we have a problem.

Cleveland recently beat out New Orleans and Detroit to be ranked #1 in poverty! Awesome! Meanwhile, Dayton (#88), Cleveland (#94), Toledo (#97), and Youngstown/Warren (#98) rounded out the bottom of the "Worst Places to Get a Job" list.

So where's our state government while all this is happening? Oh that's right, doing nothing in Columbus, which strangely enough is the only city in all the Midwest that's actually growing. Coincidence? There's a statehouse on the corner of Broad and High filled with guys that hope you said "yes".

Ohio, is it too late?

2006-08-18T10:45:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday everyone. And now for your listening pleasure, some guy wigging out at a local NBC station in Savannah, Georgia with his fly open:

Parma: Ohio's Mega Suburb 5000

2006-08-15T09:15:00.001-04:00

With well over 80,000 residents, Parma is easily the largest suburb of Cleveland and, thanks to the likes of Drew Carey and members of the Ghouliardi fan club, probably the most famous.

Ant's eye view of a typical Parma resident

Like New York City's Levittown, Parma benefited greatly from a massive in-flux of young families after World War II. In Cleveland, Parma residents are understood to be working class old Polish guys who wear white socks and black shoes while watering their plastic pink flamingo covered lawns. With its maze-like cul-de-sacs, non-existent racial diversity, and ancient shopping mall (the aptly named "Parmatown") it's a template for American suburban living, for better or worse. The city is so densely packed with residential streets that there's even a road called "Amrap": Parma spelled backwards.

So why should you care? If you lived in the eastern United States or Ontario during 2003, this little suburb had a very profound effect on your day-to-day life when a cluster fuck at one of its generating plants caused this:

Thanks Parma!

Having grown up in Parma, this really didn't really surprise me at all considering Parma residents probably didn't realize that their little blackout extended into Cleveland, let alone a decent chunk of the North American continent. Why? Because Parma people never leave friggin' Parma!

But hey, that's Parma for ya. Stay sick.

Ohio Capitol, White Trash Capitol

2006-08-14T10:18:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the world's worst tattoo, as seen in a UDF on Indianola Avenue:

COTA = Car-Only Town Assholes!

2006-08-09T19:38:00.000-04:00

The Feds recently killed what little hope there was of Columbus ever having a commuter rail system, an action that effectively ensures that Columbus will stay a car-only town until the coming of the four horsemen.

It's kind of a sad state of affairs for COTA, an organization that's trying so hard to provide mass transit in a state where cars outnumber people. Columbus already ranks dead last in availability of public transit, and once Phoenix opens their light rail project in 2008, Columbus will be the largest city in the country without an urban rail system. Even Morgantown, West Virginia has a goddamn people mover:

Apparently someone left their microfridge on the Disney World monorail

You can't really fault the folks at COTA; afterall, they're grossly underfunded - a fact they're none too shy about relaying to the general public. From their website's FAQ:

Q: Why doesn't COTA provide 24-hour service?
A: With a modest 0.25 percent sales tax, COTA does not currently have the resources to implement 24-hour service.

In case you missed the subtlety, let me rephrase the answer in more vernacular terms:

Q: Why doesn't COTA provide 24-hour service?
A: Fuck you.

On a brighter note, a fact they haven't relayed much to the general public is that they're powering their bus fleet on 90% bio diesel, which is pretty freaking awesome.

So in conclusion, the next time a tax levy comes on the ballot for more COTA funding, please vote yes. Also, try to avoid asking yourself the same goddamn question that I'm sure the majority of Columbus residents will probably be asking themselves:

"If God wanted us to take the bus, why'd Jesus give us Hummers?"

Clintonville vs. Columbus

2006-07-04T21:02:00.000-04:00

When I first moved to Columbus in 2002, I didn't really think twice about the fact that I might be walking into a trap. Like so many 20-something artsy-fartsy types before me, I felt at home somewhere I probably shouldn't have. Remember kids: just because you're surrounded by hipsters doesn't mean you're safe. In fact, I've now found that it's usually a good sign you're living in the wrong neighborhood (unless of course you live in Hipster Disneyland).

One way or another, I somehow missed the fact that Columbus is a pretty scary place. That is until my windshield got smashed in (twice), someone got shot at in front of my house, a girl got kidnapped a few doors down, a confused homeless woman broke into my kitchen, and my apartment got robbed (twice - in the same month). I now live in a little neighborhood of Columbus called Clintonville, which is a welcome oasis from the usual armed robbery and aggravated assault. Observe:

Even so, the overall crime rate of Columbus still affords it a covetted spot on the top 10 most fucked-up major cities in the U.S.:

Detroit, MI
Baltimore, MD
Washington, DC
Memphis, TN
Dallas, TX
Philadelphia, PA
Columbus, OH
Nashville, TN
Houston, TX
Charlotte, NC

Sweet. Hell, I'm just excited Ohio is in the top 10 for something!

The scary part is, Cleveland, Cincinnati, and even Dayton are technically more dangerous, but since they have less than 500,000 people, they don't make the final cut. Maybe if one of them annexes a suburb or something we can have a few more cities in the top 10 and therefore be more like Tennessee.

Dr. Matato saves Ohio from terrorism

2006-06-29T20:37:00.000-04:00

Those of you that work for government agencies know that the people who work for government agencies love two things: forms and acronyms. Government agency workers think about acronyms and forms roughly the same way Whitney Houston thinks about crack cocaine.

If you don't believe me, just walk into any government agency building. Before you even open your mouth you'll be bombarded with at least 29 confusing forms that have 432 meaningless acronyms plastered all over them. It's what makes this country great, and it's more American than a cheese burger baked in an apple pie, covered in gasoline, and shoved up George W. Bush's ass.

So now, thanks to the Ohio Department of Homeland Security (formerly the Ohio Department of Strip Mall Security), anyone who decides they want to work for a state-funded institution has to fill out the ultimate government agency worker's wet dream:

The DMA Form.

What's a DMA form, you ask? Why it's a "Declaration Regarding Material Assistance to a Terrorist Organization" form, of course. Not The DRMATATO Form. The DMA Form. Duh.

Setting aside the shear lunacy of having to assure the State of Ohio that you're not a terrorist by filling out a fucking form, isn't the acronym "DMA" so blatantly obvious it just rocks your face off with it's own blatantly obvious meaning? I mean, what else could DMA stand for but 8 goddamn words, half of which don't even start with the letters D, M, or even A?

If you're still convinced that it should technically be "The DRMATATO Form", then ask yourself this simple question: who is this Dr. Matato and why the hell does he care if Ohio funds terrorism? Whoever he is, I for one will sleep a lot better at night knowing that the next time I think, "Holy shit we're all gonna die" my very next thought might be, "Good thing no one can sue Ohio over this."

What’s so special about Ohio?

2006-06-29T11:15:00.001-04:00

Welcome to the Ohio Blog, a blog about a state that is equal parts urban and rural, liberal and conservative, completely sane and mentally deranged. At one time in history, Ohio meant a frontier; later, Ohio meant an industrial juggernaut; today, Ohio means... wait, Ohio or Iowa?

So outside of political debate stemming from the 2004 Presidential Election, maybe you’ve never thought about Ohio (or Iowa for that matter). It’s possible.

But what about Cleveland?
(Rock Hall of Fame, Major League 1 and 2, Drew Carey)
Cleveland = runt version of Chicago; this once great testament to urban living is now dwarfed by its suburbs.

What about Cincinnati?
(WKRP, Pete Rose)
Corporate greed and white flight have turned this city into a dull, racially-divided wasteland that might as well just join up with Kentucky and get it over with.

Columbus?
(Ohio State football, state capitol...really? I always thought it was Cleveland)
Few people have even heard of this Ohio city even though it’s now the largest and most criminally insane.

Toledo?
(“Holy Toledo!”)
An auto industry minion of Detroit that faired only slightly better than Flint, Michigan.

The fact is, Ohio is definitely greater than the sum of its parts, and the people who live here and love here make it worth it.