The Oneday Restaurant

Students have no idea how to protest

2010-12-01T12:32:00.000+08:00

All these student protests rile up many a mail reader. But they have no idea. Baby Scarpetta didn't want to eat his greens yesterday and sat on the floor refusing to move. When we attempted to pry him up he started his own dirty protest in his pants and then, defiantly just sat in it. Now that's commitment.

Eating a lot of cheese - this is the time of year when you can happily leave the cheese out to get to room temperature and it won't melt or rot by the time the dishes have been cleared away.

No pics. No recipe. Sorry, beastly cold has me down.

Rocked my world

2010-11-20T09:34:00.000+08:00

food stylist I am not

Quite a shock yesterday as Scarpetta House shook with the miniature earthquake we had. All the press has been playing down the impact and stressing the fact we're not on a tectonic plate and no need to worry. All a bit suspect- I think they know something and are hiding it from us.

I was Indonesia a few years ago when the first of the little Scarpettas was just a couple of months old and our villa shook violently. I shouted for everyone to get out into the garden and grabbed my most valued item - an ipod. It wasn't until I got outside that I realised I'd forgotten the kid - in fact I had reached over his sleeping form in the cot to get the ipod.I had forgotten I was a father - I rushed back in and got him. Make of that what you will as Mrs S. constantly does. And I am not even a fan of Apple products but it did have a speaking book on it I was half way through.

On to the food.

Now I am not one to go on and on and on* about something I like but every week now we get our veg and it really has become a great part of the week. Yesterday we had quite a bit left over and so I made a stock based soup - just make a soffrito and chuck in what you like and boil the shit out of it. We had green beans, carrots, onions, pumpkin, celery, Chinese squash and some leafy greens and at the end a few peas and a huge handful of cut parsley. No pic - it looked like a dogs dinner - but it was lovely. And feeding your family local, organic fresh veg is very rewarding for your sense of smugness.

*Clearly that is not true. I love going on and on and on - that's why I blog.

An apple a day

2010-11-15T13:28:00.000+08:00

Having a miniature Scarpetta around brings me in to contact with a load of other new parents and if there's one thing worse than other people's kids, it's other people's parenting and, more specifically, the off-hand comments they make about quite how brilliant their progeny are.

"Oh yes our little wonder sleeps from 5pm to 9am every night with a 10 hour nap in the day"
"Yes he likes the Spot books but we caught him revising some of the sloppier form structures in Larkin's High Windows collection"
"She is so inquisitive!!!! In fact she solved the mikshake murder just by crawling round the floor in Tai Tam"

Usually I have to answer these claims with some witty variance of the truth like "Really? Because baby Scarpetta likes nothing more than to spit his food into the dogs mouth and then crying because we won't let him play with the box-cutter he found"

But the one that really gets my goat, the smug off hand 'oh isn't my child just sooooo fucking clever' remark is when they start talking about how their 18 month old can now operate their ipad/iphone. Haven't they realised the irony in the fact that yes, their child can operate apple products because, and don't get offended here, that's who they are designed for - people with the mental age of a dribbling, under-developed moron who shits in their own pants because they haven't worked out what a toilet is yet.*

On to the food.

Not a great deal to report except we've started buying our veg and eggs from the Organic Farm. On the same day each week you get a mystery box of 3kg of ugly, dirt encrusted veg and it is, I am very pleased to report, stunningly tasty. The mishapen carrots are sweet, the bell peppers are crunchy and punchy and the lettuce is so tasty you almost need to cook it. Last night my dinner was boiled new potatoes and green beans smothered in organic parsley and unorganic but delicious butter. Beautiful, waxy potatoes so tasty that it makes a dinner in itself and you are satisfied. The tomatoes are small and plump and the basil is very fragrant.

And it's local - what are you waiting for?

*Not Scarpetta Jr. Oh no. He is sooooooo advanced that we caught him, didn't we darling, hacking HSBC's mainframe using my blackberry and his plastic spoons.

Calculate the silliness

2010-11-02T11:32:00.000+08:00

fnarr fnarr

Anyone (male) between the age of oh, say 5 and 50, will have at some point taken a calculator and made a rude word from the numbers. It is quite a fun thing to do, right up until your maths teacher catches you.

In fact, is there any personalized number plate that is anything other than laughable?

On the road this week so home cooking is off the menu.

Rib it.

2010-10-31T11:24:00.000+08:00

He's trying to launch a real last minute escape plan

I had a night out 2 weeks ago and got drunk and I really have only just recovered. It wasn't that the night itself was late - I was dribbling on to my own pillows by 1130 - just that I am out of practice with heavy drinking*. I still internally wretch when I think of how I felt that next morning. From now on I will be sensible**

On to the food.

Frogs legs invite laughter and revulsion in almost equal parts. If you have never had them I would say they are a bit like eating rabbit, with all their fiddly bones and taste a bit like (yawn) chicken - or croc/alligator though less fishy. My local supermarket sells them and they really do make a lovely snack, or extra dish if you are cooking a few up and like all Scarpetta favourites, at 40 HKD for 6 frogs they are a bargain.

Most recipes seem to be cajun or Chinese but I like this bastardized french way of cooking; Wash the frog (always, always wash the frog) and then season and roll in flour (we use half flour, half semolina flour). Brown in a frying pan with a little oil for 3-4 minutes each side. While you are doing that melt a big old knob of butter - I use about 180g - and as much crushed garlic as you like - for 6 whole frogs I used 6 large bulbs, and gently sweat off the garlic in the butter. When both are about to turn brown you should have finished your browning in the other pan. Coat the forgs in this butter sauce and then chuck in a medium-hot (200c) oven for 25-30 minutes.

What emerges is soft juicy garlicky crunchy buttery frogs legs and they are delicious and really put a spring in your step.

* Cue stories of how at 25 I would be out till 5 in the morning then straight back to the office...blah blah blah
**I am English and of a generation where my attitude to alcohol is 'more is better' - it has I think always been thus - so not drinking of bladdered are the two states me and my countrymen usually have to choose from.

MBA ShMemBeeAA

2010-10-18T18:33:00.000+08:00

At last a food picture that doesn't make a vulture gag.

A friend of mine has just paid an exorbitant amount to take his MBA at one of the world's best schools. I have no idea what they teach in this one but it's the price of a small home - here. As far as I can tell MBAs seem to be 20% Perspiration, 30% Application and 50% Application Fee. What can they possibly teach that is a factor of 10 more expensive than you can get here, or Bradford? I'd want spells to get payrises for that sort of dough.

Is it really more than the opportunity to network with other chino and polo shirt fetishists or is there actually more to it than that?

Answers on a post card please.

Now talking about real dough.

We like pizza at home and until recently had, stupidly, been using a recipe past down through the generations from a Naples friend of ours who swore us to secrecy (It's in the water). While Mrs. Scarpetta was away I decided to try some new things and so whipped out Jamie Oliver's recipe. And you know what? It's better by miles - something I think the amount of semolina and timing - he really doesn't like the bread to fanny about proving - and the fact we don't have a wood-fired traditional kiln in our back yard, just a poxy oven.

Results were fantastic and Mrs. S was duly impressed with the chewiness of the bread - something our Italian cousins treasure when the waffer theen variety aren't on hand.

respeck

2010-10-11T13:36:00.000+08:00

mmmmm not bacon (but nearly)

Hong Kong, the 'World City' where the East meets the West. And that being the case, occasionally the worst of both worlds collide spectacularly.

It was announced* that McDonald's would be hosting wedding parties and, to prove how romance blossoms amongst burgers, a man called David Ng was pictured with his wife, who he met at McDonalds, feeding fries to his child who looked no more than 18 months old.

I just cannot will up the energy to say what is wrong with that last paragraph. I'm not bothered about the weddings of course - anyone who wants their special day celebrated somewhere that smells like an industrial chemical plant with a cake, and I am quoting verbatim "made with apple pies, a burger of your choice, or even Filet-O-Fish" deserves it.

The battle against fast food has been the victim of misdirection in the past by proponents of the burger chains inciting 'class war'. In the article they are quick to dismiss the link with 'poverty' - it is of course the ultimate demonstration of poverty, cultural rather than actual.

The market where the Scarpetta clan does it's shopping is a government run fresh food market and I never see the working class customers of the market taking less quality or care over their food - in fact where else in Hong Kong can you get such a fresh array of goods at that price?

I also have absolutely no problem with fast food restaurants - like I have no problem with smoking or alcohol - if you're an adult and you want a cigarette or a drink be my guest but, as a society, we should recognise the harm it can do and at least protect the most vulnerable from it. I think the jury is in on fast food.

On to the food.

Speck isn't a meat that you can just buy willy-nilly in Hong Kong - it takes some searching and even when you do find it and have it sliced waffer theen you're likely to pay through the nose for it - the chunk in the photo above accidentally fell into my suitcase after a recent trip to Italy and was 7 Euros a kilo. About $70. For a KILO. Which means rather than sparingly cutting it so I can see through it, which Mrs. S demands before dinner when we have it, I like to chop great flabby chunks of it, cube them, fry them up and then add....well anything really. Yesterday was cabbage and tomorrow is likely to be eggs and tomatoes for a fritatta. I doubt that it will last long though so suggestions welcome.

*No Subscription needed for that story at time of press.

Basket cases

2010-10-10T21:12:00.000+08:00

It's not often I get moved to shout out with unbridled rage in the supermarket. Oh I have my days when I can't find the coconut milk, or the grapefruit that were 3 for $9 are suddenly $15 each, but most of the time I am a sane shopper.

Today in line I was, as is my want, perusing the items in other people's baskets. If you've never done this I fully recommend it - not only is it educational perspective, very often giving one ideas for dinner, but it also let's us into the psyche of those there. There was Mr. Alone And Likely to Be For Sometime, with his pork chops, white bread and bottle of vodka. Behind him was a Filipina with bitter melon, chicken wings and noodles.

And then was a family of four with a huge trolley full of ready meals and alcohol. Mum, dad, two kids of 2 and about 5 and while I don't really have a problem with what one eats and drinks, this expensive array just spelt 'misery'.

Each of the meals was a single serving meaning I suppose that at dinner time, if they eat together, the microwave must queue them up. Noodles, shepherds pie, fish dinners, all for one. And lots of little cakes in polythene. And enough sugary vodka drinks and cheap white wine to pickle a hippo. No fruit, no veg, nothing that resembled actual food. And I bet it was a thousand bucks worth.

Now this could have been stocking up for a strange week - perhaps they were expecting people with no taste buds to drop in for some single roast beef dinners and a drink at odd times. Or Maybe their kitchen is being redeveloped and they'd rather blot(to) the whole thing out. But I doubt it.

In this day and age when money is so plentiful some people live in utter poverty - not the Dickensian stuff of our forefathers, but self inflicted abysmal food and eating habits that actually take longer, have less taste and nutrition and cost more.

It's enough to make you scream.

The heart of the matter

2010-10-05T09:05:00.000+08:00

Appetizing eh?

I am not a gifted artist. In fact when my kids scrawl a house and car and sun on a piece of paper and demand it is stuck to the fridge, I am one of the few adults not in a position to go 'I could do better than that'; usually I am in awe at how they managed to get Mrs. Scarpetta's scowl so accurately rendered.

And yet I thought taking photos would be much easier: not so. It seems you need to 'know what you're doing' in order to do this as well. While I was imagining this blog I thought of great looking pictures but it seems my blackberry camera and utter lack of knowledge around taking food pictures is showing.

When I used to see the job title of 'Food stylist' I would scoff; pah! (I would think), that's money for old rope. Not so, because they even manage to make McDonalds offerings LOOK LIKE ACTUAL FOOD, no mean feat, whereas my tasty home cooked treats look like, well, what McDonalds actually is.

Have I decided to take a photography course? Upgrade the blackberry to an actual camera? No. I have decided to live with it and try my best, until one of my kids can take over and do a decent job.

On to the food.

The finished version of this, while disguised, didn't look a whole lot better due to me being Captain Crappyfoto which is why you get the raw uncut version, but heart is lovely once in a while. It is also very cheap - you'll get them in your supermarket for 5-7 HKD.

First you have to trim away all of the fat and tubes and, not for the squeamish, the semi congealed blood that lays within. Once that is done you usually end up with a sort of 'meat cone' that you can stuff. I put onions, garlic, sage, salt and pepper in mine. Slaver in oil, wrap in foil and add a dose of white wine before cooking at 220c for 20 mins, then 180c or so for about an hour.

If you want to eat it hot I recommend a pita and salad for a hearty kebab*, with salad, yogurt etc. I usually let it go cold and finely slice it and then eat with salad - it'll keep like any other meat for a couple of days. It has a sort of slightly livery, meaty taste and I would bet most people, if they tried it, would love it.

*Sorry

The wonders of the freezer

2010-10-04T09:28:00.000+08:00

While Family Scarpetta are out of town I am really plumbing the depths of the freezer for dinner and being an enthusiastic, if not very good, cook, there's always stuff in there. This time it's my fish cakes.

I know I crap on a lot about leftovers but these were made from some the last portion of salmon we had (the only thing in our house from IKEA that I actually like) and some carp we had leftover from a disasterous attempt at cooking it Chinese style. Mixed in the (de-boned) fish with potatoes, carrots, onions and an egg as well as plenty of dried dill, a little chili, salt and pepper, then bound with an egg and shaped. The trick then is to dust them with flour before they go in the freezer.

When it's time to eat them let them defrost for at least an hour, preferably in the fridge and then just fry them up in a bit of olive oil. If you're feeling adventurous before you defrost them give them an egg wash and then dip into a coating you like - I use breadcrumbs, semolina a little salt and loads of cayenne pepper. Much easier to handle while they're still frozen and them just let them defrost before you fry them up - but do note with a coating like that they will soak up all the oil so be careful.

Leftovers

2010-09-30T21:44:00.000+08:00

Does that look yummy? Or is it just me that finds that appealing?

I love leftovers. Yesterday's ragu with a few kidney beans and chili; Cold barbecue meat; Some veg and potatoes fried up with a couple of eggs for bubble and squeak; Shepherds Pie; Old bread toasted, oiled and voila - French toast; Cold lamb sandwiches on thick crusty bread with Branston Pickle? I'd gladly take that last one as my condemned man's final meal.

I think I like leftovers on two levels - obviously ingredients that have longer to sit together develop a great taste. Also they are essentially free and as I am a tight bastard, it gives me immense satisfaction that I getting something for nothing. But it is a very personal thing; Mrs. Scarpetta acts as if she cannot stand 'old food', so I don't tell her where the ingredients for her fish cakes or fried rice come from.

Maybe it's more than that; I grew up hearing that starving African children would love my brussel sprouts ("Well he can have them then") and so I find throwing away food to be immoral. A quick search on how much people do throw away is astonishing; some numbers say 1/3 to half of what we buy ends up in the bin. That's just bonkers - would you go to a pub, order 2 beers and pour one down the drain?

Mrs. S and I watched a documentary on people that fish out food from bins at supermarkets, freegans, and in a temperate climate I mentioned I'd be in the skip with them, much to her disgust. So maybe I am just tight.

But it is also the reason I cannot stomach (sorry) competitive eating; Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, eating 50 eggs for a bet, was rightly supposed to disgust us; today he'd be sponsored. Maybe someone can figure out a morally right version where contestants eat the perfectly good food we all throw away.

On to the, er, food.

While not strictly leftovers I think this qualifies; a stew of all the veg I would have had to throw out if I didn't make something with it, along with some chicken stock I had in the freezer. Half an onion, a carrot, some squash, a load of chopped up Bok Choi, a potato, some barley and lentils, half a tin of tomatoes, half a tin of kidney beans and a splash of red cooking wine that even I wouldn't drink. And it's delicious. The other half will get something else added - leftover leftovers, if you will, and that's 2 nights dinners sorted for a lonely, tight bastard.*

* With a well developed sense of moral superiority where not wasting food comes in.

Monkey business

2010-09-30T14:45:00.018+08:00

Apols for the film noir 'light to dark' effect - unintentional

In my last life I traveled to India about once a month for a couple of years. Like many of us, I suspect, I initially hated it; it is, however rose tinted your goggles, dirty, frustratingly slow for business, dirty, chaotic, dirty and not always as clean as it could be.

In fact when Mrs. Scarpetta and I were in Bangalore we were sitting in a tea shop opposite a large dry goods store. While eating our breakfast we watched the owner of the store painstakingly sweep up, wipe down the surfaces with tissue and then, when everything was spick and span he threw all that rubbish out on to the 'pavement' maybe 2 feet from his front door. He spent 20 minutes cleaning his store and 1 second making the street outside look like a tip and, judging by the open sewer that was the road, everyone else did the same thing. It seemed a collective belief in 'I may shit in it, but it's not my toilet, so I'm not flushing it'.

That said, again like most people, eventually I fell in love with India - the food, the movies* and people obviously. But I think the thing I really loved was that just opening your eyes, wherever you looked you could at once take in the best and worst that mankind has to offer. I once went to a restaurant opening in Connaught Circus in Delhi and as I was walking up to the brightly lit and pristine restaurant a Lambourghini threaded it's way through a sea (there must have been 300) filthy urchins who had turned up for the fun as well. And everyone seemed so happy. Yes I know how schlocky that sounds, but it really is like that - had the owner of the car got out, jumped on the roof and started singing with the urchins providing back-up and funky dancing, I don't think it would have seemed that out of place. It's that kind of vibe.

On the trip with Mrs. Scarpetta a colleague of mine invited us for dinner and, knowing our fondness for Italian, honoured us with a Spaghetti Bolognaise. While we appreciated the sentiment, the meal was vile. A huge swathe of over cooked pasta with a dollop of watery tomato and beef mince on it - 'orrible. In fact even our hosts wondered why this was a national dish of anywhere - it was the blandness he objected to. But it is a sauce, and should coat the pasta - personally I prefer Spaghettini, a thinner noodle, as it seems to catch the most sauce. Even the cool earth-huggers at River Cottage in their new 'Every Day' series make their presentation the same way - is it a British thing? I mean look at that pasta - it looks like it should have a hat on. Knowing the right way to do it makes me feel like a whingeing knob-head**, and superior, all at once.

Recipe to follow if I get permission to divulge the Scarpetta family secrets.

* Not really - but I am polite about them.
** Like the time I smugly corrected a waitress with her pronunciation of 'Bruschetta'. I hated myself the second it spilled from my lips.

It'sth a mythtery

2010-09-29T17:00:00.000+08:00

Yeth, thum people have a lithp and Toyah Wilcoxth wath one of them*. So this is the theme tune for this thstory.

But I have a genuine mystery**. A kind soul bought for me a bottle of Grouse from a local offy and on the same day had in fact bought myself a bottle from our local Wellcome. Now they both look and smell similar but the packaging and prices are so varied you just have to question it - right? One was $98 and one was $178.

See if you can guess which store sold which bottle at which price.

And why the fuck are the labels different? And why the fuck do I care? But I do - I really do! Can anyone help?

*I have no probelm with lispers. In fact I think the younger, larger tongued Scarpetta may well grow up listhping hith way through life
** Not why do I sit at home quaffing cheap whisky - that's no mystery - I'm just a bit of a sad bastard.

Eat yourself tin

2010-09-28T12:43:00.000+08:00

And you will note my bargain hunting continues in tins

Being on my Jack Jones has meant that the deep, dark reached of the pantry are getting a work out. Yes there will be lentil dishes and even now I have some chickpeas revitalising in water so that I can just buy bread and eat hummus for a couple of days.

However, tinned food is making a splash in the diet these days and while we at Scarpetta House pride ourselves on making everything fresh, there just are things that are better out of tins and I don't see the advantage of NOT having them in tins. Here is my list:

Pineapple - by the time it's been in the tin a couple of years the sharpness has gone and it's delicious
Tuna - I know the fresh stuff is great raw but I genuinely prefer the tinned stuff - and it's so versatile - foodies will hang me for this I bet
Chickpeas - even though I am rejuvenating some now I think the tinned ones are just delicious and there's no hassle. Actually pretty much all beans.
Tomatoes - Does anyone really use fresh tomatoes, unless they have to, for sauces?
Baked Beans - a man who doesn't like baked beans is just wrong. No arguments. But with those vile pate like sausages in them? No No No.

Now things that I know aren't better but I just like:

Sardines - mix up with a load of Tommy K and pepper then dump on toast - a quick and delicious breakfast
Ham - yes it's revolting in its own aspic but with some white bread and mustard? Bachelor heathen heaven.

And finally a list of things that should never be in tins:

Potatoes - for the life of me I cannot see the advantage of this. My father used to love tinned spuds and when we went camping would make us eat them. Vile sandy texture and they never seem to get warm.
Spaghetti - So close to beans and yet, fucking horrible.
Sponges - No.
Pies - Fray Bentos is seen by some of my northern friends as truffles are to Italians and Caviar to Russians. Why?

I can't think of any more - any ideas?

It's only been a day

2010-09-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

The house is a tip; the kitchen is a wreck; the bin smells; the fruit is rotting and I can't find the remote control.

Yes it is the time of year when Family Scarpetta and Loyal Yaya decamp to Foodland for a few weeks while Daddy Scarpetta earns the dough. They've only been gone for 24 hours and I'm a wreck already.

No recipe today: just a photo that reminds me, strangely, of views I recall from my bachelor days.

Getting Chili

2010-09-24T12:19:00.001+08:00

Perhaps some 'green' sprinkled on top would make this more appealing?

Boardwalk Empire is the new HBO Show in a feast of fantastic US TV that those of us lucky enough to have a very good friend at US Pacific International Airlines who records the shows for us and then immediately gets on a plane and passes to me will see.* The new series of 30 Rock, House and a slew of others are really secondary to Boardwalk Empire's buzz - Steve Buscemi leading in first episode directed by Scorcese? What's not to like?

There has been some criticism that Buscemi hasn't got the classic leading man profile and is a 'kooky' bit-parter - the opening credits on this show put that to rest. He has an unsettling presence, but presence nonetheless.It's set in Atlantic city during prohibition and the lusciously set and slow paced opener introduce us to all the players including a hello to Al Capone (as a driver) as well as the tawdry day to day misery of recession era domesticity - all redolent of today. In fact the slight humour employed when at one point banning booze is likened to, of all ridiculous things, banning smoking (!) means we're far from uncomfortable in matching what went on then to what goes on now. SUBTLE.

And it is the pace that is my only criticism - both the lead man and director have massive success in film making because they can convey a lot in a short space of time and a series is a marathon not a sprint - the creator Terence Winter last served us up the brilliant Soprano's - so we will all have to wait and see how these characters develop and whether the sub plots can engage us as fully. I for one will keep asking my friend to record them, rush on to a plane and deliver them to me.

On to the food.

It's not cold yet but I couldn't wait for Chili. We are lucky at Scarpetta House in that we always have kilos of home made ragu in the freezer and when you start with that for a chili the rest sort of falls into place. We fry up a few chilies, onions and smoked garlic (next time you have a barbecue wrap some oiled garlic in foil and just let it sit on the edge - the results can then be squeezed in to a jar and used over the next 2-3 weeks) and then add the ragu and half a tin of tomatoes and a tin of lager beer with a generous half a squeezed lime. Let that reduce and 5 minutes before you want to eat it add some kidney beans. Eat with crackers or rice and some dinners, like this one, are just made for lazing out and watching some quality TV.

* Yeah, I really have someone who records these shows in the US and then we watch them together so we don't break any laws. Really.

Old Whine

2010-09-23T14:30:00.000+08:00

A decent pic for once

I agree with 90% of what 90% of most religions say - all that stuff about being good to your neighbour, not killing anyone and respecting your elders - very positive. Not eating certain things, or allowing child rapists a crack at a new congregation, and being generally a bit of a dick about women's/gays/anyone's rights and I start to lose interest. But as a coda to live by most of them have a good handle on it and we would be foolish not to take the good bits and learn from that.

I also believe that we are in some way engineered to want to believe in a higher power - belief and faith are common across civilisation since day 1 - Stone Henge and Easter Island were not built to spruce the caves up a bit and I am sure the bio-chemical buzz the ancients got out of it was similar to any Muslim, Christian or Jew today, so it's impossible, and in my mind wrong to mock faith any more than it is to mock love.

I can also understand people unwillingness to change their mind - Church is often a great constant in people's lives - sometimes the only thing that unites their family and friends and so of course they cherish it. But the only traditional thing about tradition is that is changes and my personal deliverance from organised religion was the Catholic Church's decision to look at the spread of AIDS, read the cutting edge scientific research and advice on how condoms would save lives and then ignore it, thus condemning millions. History will judge that: I have already.

However slowly Churches and religions move forward their very existence depends on that ability to adapt. What I don't get are the ones that move backwards. Through facebook I learned a friend of mine had recently attended a 'new wine ' festival - thinking it was booze related I googled immediately only to find it was a bunch of {insert hurtful Christian epithet here}gathering together under canvas of a week of praising. What's the harm in that you may ask? Tambourines all round I say.

Well I went to their website to see what it was all about, being at the same time lazy and nosy, and most of it is the usual gumpf about how Jesus saves us, but then, in their 'vision and values' section, I was whisked back to the 14th Century by this:

Natural & Supernatural – we want to see every Christian using all the natural reason, wisdom and skill that they can, while also learning to operate in the supernatural gifts of the Spirit to minister to others in love and power as Jesus did.

Just take a moment to read that again. You are asked to use all natural reason to operate in the supernatural. Huh? My natural reason tells me that the supernatural doesn't fucking exist. And on further examining the site it's full of people proclaiming miraculous recovery for everything from a sore knee to ME and leukemia. And if I remember my years of Catholic school teaching rightly, Jesus was special because he was, and I think I am right in saying this, the Son of God, hence the ability to pull the fishes out of the hat. I'm not sure we can 'learn' that. And this type of thing seems to be growing. How, fuh. huh?

Anyway, onto the food.

Broccoli - fantastic, tasty and nutritious and cheap as chips when it's in season which in Hong Kong is 11 months of the year. So why not make a pasta sauce?

Just fry a little oil and fresh chili, then start adding the small florets. Then you start ladling in the boiling pasta water to thoroughly cook the broccoli until it's almost mushy - then mush it and add to the cooked pasta. Fucking delicious.

Healthy eating

2010-09-22T14:12:00.001+08:00

I wish I was a food stylist. My photos make a great plate of food look awful.

Don't worry about the title - before you think I am getting all 'You are what you eat' on you, don't worry I am not going to start asking you to shit in a lunchbox so I can have a good nose round a la Gillian McKeith, or, to give her her full medical title, "Gillian McKeith".*

No, this is just about how to make something everyone loves without the fear of instant death lurking after every portion - Chips!

I love chips. Being British they were a staple. We had them at home. After sports. They were a utility food and a treat. In my mind, and anyone from my generation I suspect, they even have their own song. It is possibly the very reason I grew up on the chunky side and even then I can't hate you, oh beautiful chips.

But making chips at home post 1979 is a problem - I cannot stand deep frying in my own house. It stinks like I imagine the trailers they drag drunks from in Cops do and afterward the smell lingers for days, even masking the husky perfumes of the dog. So I had to come up with an alternative, which I now prefer to their deep fried cousins.

Peel and chip the spuds and place into salted boiling water for 4-5 minutes. You do not want them cooked but you do want the outer edge just starting to crumble - it also rids them of some of their starchiness. Rinse and allow the steam to rise off them for a couple of minutes - you are trying to get rid of some of the water. Then add salt, pepper and olive oil to cover them - it's important you do this while they are cooling as they need cold olive oil on them and shake them up to get them covered - if you've over-cooked them you will now be faced with a very unappealing raw-ish mash potato. If you are middle-class and want to call them 'oven baked pomme-frites', at this point you can also chuck in some rosemary and garlic.

Then you need to lay on a sheet of foil and place in a HOT oven for 40-50 minute and they should come out brown and crispy and delicious. Cover with vinegar (unless you are not British - everyone else in the world finds vinegar on chips repulsive) and then you can start singing..."OH it's chips it's chips".............

*Gag unashamedly stolen from badscience.net and makes me piss myself every time.

Buuuuurger

2010-09-20T12:17:00.000+08:00

Burgers and the restaurants that serve them are seen by many as the cumulative ills of modern society - Anthony Bourdain's anti-marketing campaign to his child is something I emulate. I have nothing against McDonald's - I just think it's fun to fuck with The Man. I don't like the food much either but I think it's the smell of the place that really puts me off - sort of industrial.

However burgers are great. And so now and again I make a great big one for me and Mrs Scarpetta to enjoy so we can pretend we're guest appearing on an episode of Man v Food.

The bun is important here and we use the pretentiously named yet delicious 'French Boule' from Yamazaki - those guys have the art of making white bread down. Then its time for Mr. Big Burger.

Meat - I like beef and pork mince which means you definitely have to cook him through but it's more 'meaty', breadcrumbs, cooked AND raw onion, herbs (what you like), salt and pepper, a few chopped dill pickles, salt, pepper and an egg - also a bit of Lea & Perrins. Mould it into your burger shape and then stick in the fridge for an hour or so before frying up in a little oil - chilling it helps it retain it's shape.

Then build your burger with what you like - I prefer a classic toasty bun, softly fried onions, lettuce and tomato with tons of ketchup but I understand if you wanna put cheese, bacon and mushrooms on it (ya heathen). Two forks, a big knife and a sense of humour to eat.

The man food test

2010-09-18T13:38:00.001+08:00

I previously stated that to be 'man food' it needed to have 3 components

1. Tasty - obvious really.
2. Easy - basically if that is just eating cheese from the packet or cooking a 12 course tasting menu, men will basically find the easiest way to do it. I suspect in the case of the latter it would be 'get someone else to do it - I am a visionary'. All men are inherently lazy and will always find the quickest and easiest way to get something done. And cooking DOES NOT include washing up, by the way.
3. Brown - Now most of my favourite foods are brown. Here is a list, in order of things I am likely to eat in a day, to illustrate my point.

Porridge
Toast
Burger
Cheese on toast
Baked potato
Spaghetti in ragu sauce
Hummus
Chips
Tea
Coffee
Beer
Whisky

Brown is indeed a very under rated culinary colour.

Now here's some things that while I would eat them and be very happy doing so could not be considered 'man food'.

Yoghurt
Cottage cheese
Salad
Pineapples
WKD drinks

See, I can't really even think of any others - I think you will obviously say 'point proven'! I think the Latin languages have it right in assigning gender - they knew what they were doing and we have to rely on the man food test.

But I will leave you with the words of Lee Mack when speaking of this subject - he has given it even more thought......

Salad days

2010-09-16T18:49:00.000+08:00

Being a cynical bastard, I was looking for an angle on Li Ka Shing's new 'Loveideas.hk' website where he asks for ideas on how to spend his money to make Hong Kong a better place. But I can't: it not only seems well thought out and executed, but also the right thing to do. Well done Mr. Li.

Now we* all have to lose weight after a sedantary summer spent hiding in aircon stuffing our faces and, while traditional man-logic dictates that any weight loss must be done while maintaining the same level of alcohol intake: it's time for salad lunches.

Lettuce, a green pepper, a tomato, some carrot and celery and half a lemon squeezed over, olive oil, salt, pepper and a few roasted sesame seeds and a dash of soy topped with half a tin of kidney beans. It is a man-salad - it may not be brown food but it fits the man food test by being tasty, easy and allows you to offer this option to your friends and colleagues all afternoon.

*I suspect that's just me and my dog.

Kangaroo and Guinness Stew

2010-09-15T12:11:00.000+08:00


I know what you think it looks like - its a slow cooker.

Many of us are revolted by eating an animal outside our comfort zone - indeed when I was tricked into eating a horse-burger in France when I was about thirteen I nearly retched but, as any 13 year old 'cool dude' will know, by reacting you are no longer cool and actually I really enjoyed it - meaty! Would I like another? Neigh.

So I expect the same about this weeks 'GUEST SPOT STEW' by Stu. But kangaroo meat ticks all the boxes of man cooking - Tasty, easy and brown. Also it's light on the pocket and gives a real bounce in your step after you've eaten it and so tasty there's always roo-m for more.

1kg of Kangaroo steak cubed.

bag of plain flour with a teaspoon of cayenne, salt & pepper.

Throw the steak into the bag & give it a good shake until the steak is nicely dusted.

Into your slow cooker throw in the following:
1 tin of chopped tomatoes
1 tin of drained & rinsed cannelloni beans
3 sticks of celery, sliced
6 mushrooms, sliced,
2 peeled carrots, sliced into discs
1 large peeled potato, cut into 1" cubes
1 large peeled sweet potato, cut into 1" cubes
1 tin of Guinness
1 tablespoon of rosemary or a couple of sprigs

Throw a large onion & 6 cloves of garlic into a blender & finely chop
Add the garlic/onion puree to the slow cooker.

Heat up some vegetable oil in a pan & brown the meat in batches setting to one side. Don't throw it all in at once as you will only pick out 3/4 of it when it all starts browning unevenly.

Add the browned meat to the slow cooker & cover with beef/beef & marmite/beef, marmite & red wine stock. A bit of salt & pepper, turn it on, put the lid on, go & find something else to do for 6-8 hours.

Should make about 5 litres which is why the photo is of the leftovers. Tastes fantastic!

Cheers

Stu

What am I.....?

2010-09-15T08:03:00.000+08:00

The Guardian really does have to try hard lately - what with capitalism being proven a dreadful, spiteful philosophy for societies to adopt but the left firmly embracing it as the alternatives only seem to get going when some vicious tyrant inflicts it upon people.

But they do try; their property porn section always has at least one house a social worker could afford and they give column inches to Peta when a pop star does something that upsets them, in this case it was Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress. Their spokesman sounded like her rhetoric had been finely honed in a 6th form debating society circa 1981:

"In her line of business, Lady Gaga has a hard time being 'over the top', and wearing a dress made from cuts of dead cows is offensive enough to elicit comment, but someone should whisper in her ear that more people are upset by butchery than are impressed by it – and that means a lot of young people will not be buying her records if she keeps it up,"

I imagine a snort at the end of that, before she continues:

"Meat is the decomposing flesh of an abused animal who didn't want to die, and after being under the TV lights, it would smell like the rotting flesh that it is and likely be crawling with maggots – not too attractive, really"

Now I am far from being 'down wid da kidz' (as that sentence alone will attest) but for a generation that happy slaps people to death and plays video games involving running over prostitutes, surely Peta could have done a better job communicating to the 'young people'. I for one am now, and always was impressed with butchery.

I like Lady Gaga - not the music, I don't think I have anything later than 1985 to compare her to; no I like her rock n roll don't give a fuck willingness to lay it all out there. I am looking forward to her maturing - the whacko religion, drugs, redemption, reality TV, comeback tour, multiple multi-coloured adopted brats, marriages, divorces, manager running off with all the money, the 'I didn't really want to be a pop star' tell all book - just so much to look forward to. She's entertaining - that's what entertainers should be.

On to the food.

Often heard in second rate Hollywood filler, the phrase "What am I....chopped liver"? to describe oneself as largely ignored or disliked during a conversation is one I have often thought of as unfair: not on the person uttering it - surely anyone anodyne enough to squeak such a pathetic riposte is, indeed, worthy of ignoring - but to the humble liver - a source of iron and much enjoyment for those of us who love it.

Now it does have a pungent taste and recieves many complaints, but most people I think are complaining about the bit they had that Auntie Marge cooked up in their childhood. Over-cooked meat in general is pretty rough but the texture of liver means it turns into a sort of livery sand - utterly vile. The taste is that of pate and if you eat sausages, its in that too most of the time, along with the nostrils, eyelids and lips.

The other reason I like it is price - in HK a decent size bit of pigs liver for two will cost about 8 HKD (1usd) - and I do love a bargain.

Tons of recipes call for us to soak the liver in water to 'remove the blood' first which I do occasionally, and then dip in flour, which I have never seen the point of - I suspect that one is down to Flour Marketing Board's excellent 1935 campaign. No, all I do is fry up some onions till soft, add in the chopped liver, a bit of salt and pepper and keep cooking till it's done - slightly pink in the middle. Chuck in a ladle of stock to cool the pan just before serving and plomp it on some toast and you'll have a lunch so tasty it just cannot be ignored.

And yes, the picture does look a bit 'brown' so will do nothing for you lot that hate liver - I am not a food stylist. Also this one was made with bacon I had but usually I don't bother with that and just season with salt and pepper.

A little ray of sunshine

2010-09-13T07:05:00.000+08:00

Well the rain has been truly shatting down on us all weekend and the temperature cooled, meaning hearty fare for us at Scarpetta House.

A couple of months ago we had some friends over and cooked a big old lamb leg. Now I love lamb as only an Englishman can - that's not nearly as much as our Welsh or Kiwi cousins - but once in a while it's a great treat. The problem is with all that richness is that after one helping you really don't want it again for a long time and having it too soon after can make you nauseous. Like a Bruce Willis film, or the buttery popcorn that goes with it.

So a shepherds pie is a perfect way to use the leftovers. Not only is it very simple to concoct, it also freezes well until you have a rainy, draining weekend when you can't be arsed to cook.

I know the British Fundamentalist Recipe Mentals will say that having cheese on it is a bastardized cottage pie aberration, but I like cheese on it, especially the crispy bits and I think it goes well with lamb.

Fry up some onion, celery, carrots until almost tender then add lamb stock - I will also chuck in some real ale or Guinness if I have it - and of course any herbs you fancy. And some peas. Fuck it, it's your pie put what you want in it. Add the meat and a thickening agent (cornflour is what I use here) until its 'done'. Into the dish then cover with stiff mashed spuds that have a little butter and milk in them - you don't want it too runny. Then cover with cheese (we used a mix of mature cheddar and Parmesan - oh the horror) and then either freeze for later or back in a hot oven till it looks like the sun.

Taking stock

2010-09-10T13:57:00.000+08:00

Assassin-faced baby footballer, Wayne Rooney is in the news again, having been grassed up by the tango dipped 'escorts' he paid for sex, and, while I am not usually one to stand up with moral outrage condemning him for doing it or the press for being so utterly sleazy, preferring to instead, like millions of others to snigger in schadenfreude delight, in this case I am left wondering one important thing:- if this is the story that got out, what were the other 'super injunctions' reportedly served on behalf of premier league footballers banning newspapers from reporting on them, all about?

Further, I am struggling to see what is so unusual about a rich young man flashing his money about and bedding women he couldn't hope to smell up close, let alone touch, weren't it for his prodigious talent earning him buckets of cash. On his wages, at his age, it's a fair bet you would have had to crowbar me out from between the thighs of a new bint every day to get me into work, married or not and, I suspect, I am not the only male with that character flaw. Now I am older and wiser and have worked out the secret of keeping myself on the straight and narrow.*

So assuming Rooney's brief in this matter wasn't some lame sot who barely passed his law degree, and he was justly represented with the court finding this has 'public interest' (you bet), what could the others be? Non libelous answers on a postcard please.

(NB: Cantonese slang for prostitute is 'chicken' and I was hoping to cleverly integrate that into this post somewhere, but I didn't want to denigrate my noble dinner by associating it with the above).

On to the food.

Making a stock is one of life's little pleasures, if, like me, you love to save a bit of money and have some luxury for that. Fresh stock, as an ingredient is about more than taste - it is the silkiness it adds to feel of food in your mouth. Indeed sometimes the less 'chickeny' the stock, the better.

Now I also use powdered stocks now and again but they are 90% salt most of the time and so an excellent way to flavour dishes - but they rarely deliver anything else. We use our fresh stock a spoonful at a time - to cool a pan when stir frying vegetables just before serving - adding a glaze and natural flavour enhancer to them; or as a base for a soup, or as I did yesterday, to make my liver, bacon and onions have a little 'wetness' to it.

And the chicken is the bird that keeps on giving. From the 1 bird we got:

- 3 large adult meals (the meals were all large, only one of the adults: me)
- 2 Chicken salads
- 1 chicken mayo sandwich
- 3 portions of toddler chicken and vegetable pasta (again with lots of stock)
- Lots of spoons of stock in this and that and me eating a bit every time I prepared something else
- 2 bowls of chicken noodle soup (though by this point although, because of the stock it tasted of chicken, you really were searching the bowl for fowl evidence - it would have made 1 good bowl and 2 that you can get away with)

And it was all consumed within a week but you basically have 8 or 9 meals for your $10 dollars + the cost of what you put with it - not a bad investment and you do Chook the dignity of consuming everything but the cluck.

So to make our stock, and because we are cooking for kids, with this there is a noticable absence of salt - but do add to taste if you want. You'll need to take the cooking juices out of the fridge and scrape the fat off - one of natures little ways of helping out is to put all the fat on top. What's left that in itself is a lovely stock and you could just use that but I prefer to squeeze every morsel of delight from this creature. In a pan add the cooking veg, fresh trinity veg (onion, carrot, celery), a bay leaf or two, and, if you want, some herbs and garlic. Don't add the lemon from the bird though - it will add a distinctly sour note to any stock.

Of course you also have to add in the bones so try and refrain from eating all the meat as you strip the carcus - I cannot resist a good gnaw on the neck just before it goes in the pot though - it really is the best bit. You can see from the picture the stock pot, the leftovers and the top right is the 'waste' - the lemon you cooked in it and the underneath skin and parsons nose. Not a lot - and the dog got the parsons nose.

Cover with water and boil the shit out of it for 45 minutes to an hour. Let it cool down a bit and the strain. Let it cool and then stick in the fridge - you should get another thin layer of fat so before using scrape that off and enjoy the wobbly goodness underneath.

*It's called 'the fear of having your balls literally ripped from your body, while you sleep, by a rampaging Mrs. Scarpetta'.