I am thinking I would like to try cake.

Yes, yes. Cake. I know all about it. When humans eat cake, it is in glad times. It is the food for a celebration, such as when a woman becomes 47. I have seen cake on the Fourth of July. When humans have a cake, they stand around it and clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other. Sometimes there are beautiful markings on a cake, such as balloons or a pink shape.

Sometimes the top of a cake is on fire and a boy must blow on the fire with mouth wind. This is the scariest cake. I do not want this kind. But I will eat any other cake. Any cake that is not the fire cake that tries to kill the boy.

Please understand: I do not get money for doing work. I do not get to go inside the house. All day I am either doing my horse job or standing in my pen or eating food off the floor. I always do these things. But I have never once gotten cake and I would like it very much.

I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children. I am more helpful to the farm. Children do not move the heavy things like me or let anyone ride on them. And yet they get cake. Maybe the humans will realize this. Maybe they will say, “You know who deserves cake? That horse. That horse whose back we are always on.”

Every day I dream about what it will be like if I get to eat cake. Here is what will happen. First, I will walk to the cake and puff my nose at it like hrrrfff to make sure it is not a snake. Then I will trot in a circle to show that I am a horse and I am large. After that, I will nuzzle the cake to know it with my face. Then I will lick the colorful top part and touch it with my lips. Finally, I will bite the cake and have the taste of its inner softness. I will chew and say prrt prrt because I am happy, and everybody will clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other.

I cannot think of a more glad time. So, please, give me cake.

Of the eight tastes I know about, I think cake probably tastes most like medicine and mud. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. There is a fly standing on my eyeball but I don’t even care because all I can think about is cake and wanting it badly. I already weigh 2,000 pounds from eating hay and oats. I do not want more of that now. There is only one thing I want. You know what it is.

So you see, it is clear that you must give me cake. I am a nice horse. I do not fuss. I do not bite the human woman’s face, even though her hair smells nice. I do not ask to go live free in the woods like the deer. I do my duties. I must try cake. Please.

Hnnnnnnn. Heeeee-huh-heeee! Just give me the cake.

Please. I am begging you. I am showing you my teeth and stomping my hooves so you know that I want the cake. Prrrrrft! Prrrrrft! I must have it, do you see? I am standing on my back legs and screaming due to needing the cake. Please, humans. Please. Please! I am a good horse. Hmmrrrr, nrrrrffff! Put a cake on a table right now. I wish with all my heart that you will do this for me. So you must give it to me. Because I am the good horse. I am a good horse and I deserve cake.

The post I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake appeared first on The Onion.

The post Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship appeared first on The Onion.

The post Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit appeared first on The Onion.

The post Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved  appeared first on The Onion.

The recall, which covers all milk produced by the body of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., was issued following widespread reports of high fever, nausea, arthritis-like symptoms, and uncontrollable diarrhea among consumers. The FDA urged Americans to throw out any RFK Jr. milk they had in their refrigerators, saying those affected would be entitled to a full refund and should take a 60-day course of the antibiotic ciprofloxacin.

“If you purchased a jug of milk pumped from Secretary Kennedy’s breasts on or after Mar. 4, 2026, you may have noticed a sulfurous smell, streaks of red pus, or visible effervescence in the liquid,” said FDA Commissioner Marty Makary, stressing that anyone who experienced blindness or vertigo after drinking the beverage should consult a healthcare provider immediately, especially if they were pregnant. “We also ask that consumers dispose of the milk by incineration instead of dumping it down the drain, which could result in the substance entering rivers and streams and cause mass aquatic die-offs.”

“We acknowledge our error in ever allowing this man’s milk to make it onto store shelves in the first place,” Makary added.

According to sources, the recalled Kennedy dairy has been sold at wellness retailers and health food co-ops in all 50 states and includes processed RFK Jr. milk products sold under names such as Bobby Butter, Hyannis Port Farms Cheddar, and Kennedy’s Curse-Reversing Longevity Yogurt. Many of these products have been touted through official channels by the secretary himself, who as a central pillar of his “Make America Healthy Again” campaign has strongly encouraged consumption of his body’s milk.

FDA officials said the RFK Jr. milk was contaminated with E. coli, salmonella, listeria, and a previously unknown pathogen scientists have named Robertococcus kenneddi, which appears to have proliferated exclusively in the squalid and unsanitary conditions in which Kennedy lives. Inspectors described “appalling” conditions in the Georgetown residence where much of his milk was pumped, citing moldy, sweat-soaked gym equipment, five-gallon buckets of rancid beef tallow, and the rotting carcasses of several unidentifiable marine mammals.

“The spread of bacteria by RFK Jr. milk has led to numerous confirmed cases of sepsis, meningitis, and necrosis of the tongue,” said FDA microbiologist Hana Steiner, adding that she had long warned friends and relatives against consuming the poorly regulated substance. “People will say Kennedy should have been pasteurizing his milk, and of course he should have, but I’m not sure it would have mattered. A lot of these bacteria have mutated in the dank, humid piles of unwashed jeans found on the floor of his home, and many have become antibiotic-resistant thanks to his frequent swims in sewage-tainted waters.”

While the FDA has ordered an indefinite halt to the distribution of RFK Jr. milk, some MAHA diehards have decried the crackdown as federal overreach, with Kennedy himself criticizing scientists who have questioned his milk’s safety.

“The probiotic cultures in my milk are a feature, not a bug, and any negative reactions people have experienced are the result of a lack of ferments in the American diet,” Kennedy said in a recent video message in which he is seen pumping and drinking a bright yellow glass of his own milk to demonstrate its safety. “There are no dangerous additives in here, just pure, natural goodness. Americans have neglected their gut microbiomes for so long that even the gentle, nourishing milk of their health and human services secretary upsets their stomachs. That’s how bad things have gotten.”

“The obvious answer is for people to drink more of my milk, not less,” Kennedy continued. “It’ll take more than some misguided recall to stop me from lactating for the health and longevity of this nation.”

The post FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk appeared first on The Onion.