The Oracle Speaks

Fat, whiny singer interrupted by fat, nauseating idiot

TheOracleSpeaks — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 07:04:08 +0000

The organisers of the Brits have apologised after fat, whiny singer Adele had her acceptance speech interrupted by fat, nauseating idiot James Corden at the O2 Arena last night. Adele, who managed to land two trophies at the glitzy event despite a) being fat and whiny and b) everybody getting absolutely sick to death of [...]

News of the W…sorry…Sun on Sunday to launch next week

TheOracleSpeaks — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 07:18:15 +0000

News International’s chief executive, Tom Mockridge has revealed that after months of speculation, The News of the W…sorry…The Sun on Sunday will be launched next weekend. In an email that acknowledged the parent company’s past wrongdoing but also struck a defiant tone, Mockridge announced that the newspaper will finally hit the shelves next week. The [...]

How to do Everything: How to get independence for Scotland

TheOracleSpeaks — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 20:53:19 +0000

The Oracle Speaks Presents HOW TO DO EVERYTHING 49. How to get independence for Scotland Make that the Scots really stand out as an independent nation by asking them to do a bunch of peculiar things like talking in a funny voice, or making all the men wear skirts. Oh, wait… Tell the rest of [...]

Justin Bieber urged to increase album sales by suffering cruel, horrible death

TheOracleSpeaks — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:34:40 +0000

Squeaky-voiced teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber has been urged by grown-ups everywhere to follow the example set by the likes of Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston by suffering a cruel, terrible death in order to boost record sales. Many of Jackson’s best known releases re-entered the charts following the singer’s death in 2009, while Houston’s [...]

‘Oh, crap, he’s going to be England manager now, isn’t he?’ says Redknapp jury

TheOracleSpeaks — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 08:01:08 +0000

The jury responsible for unanimously clearing Harry Redknapp of all tax evasion charges was last night coming to terms with the fact that the Tottenham boss will now almost certainly go on to be the next England manager. The full extent of the jury’s gross error of judgement became clear to them last night shortly [...]