Don’t believe me, well consider the totally scientific evidence:

1.  In earlier times, African American men could never aspire to the heights of serial killerdom.  Go ahead, name three African American serial killers.  Can’t do it, can you.  That’s because the elitist White Man reserved this most heinous of crimes for himself, guarding it jealously.  The inherent self-esteem issues caused by years of racial bigotry meant that no African American male would have dreamt that someday he too could slay a dozen hookers and hide their bodies in a crawlspace.  The Anthony Sowell case smashes this long-held relic from the Jim Crow days and promises to ring in a new era where all men, black and white alike, are free to chop women to bits and store them in freezers, basements and makeshift crypts.

Anthony Sowell: The Rosa Parks of Serial Killers

2.  The very fact that Sowell could get away with killing 10 people serial style represents a huge leap forward in terms of the relationship between African Americans and law enforcement.  Time was when only pasty white dudes could go undetected as they slaughtered and cannibalized their way through a community.  20 years ago Sowell would have been locked up years earlier for some serious infraction such as a broken tail light or dating a white woman.  Certainly he never would have made it out of jail after his first rape conviction.  Point is: finally, FINALLY, law enforcement has evened the playing field.

So even as we mark this dark deed, it’s a bright day indeed for America.  First a black president, and now a black serial killer.  “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last.”

For those of you who don’t know what erotic fan fiction is … well basically it is poorly written stories penned by disturbed social misfits where they have characters from books, movies, and television get it on. If you ever wanted to read about a Harry Potter threesome with Hermione getting railed from both ends by that Giant dude and Hans from “Die Hard” well you can find it on the interwebs.

So today I would like to unveil my new story, well the start of it anyway.

“Gonzo fucks the Olsen Twins”

It was a dark and stormy night in Manhattan, one where you could taste the pain and despair of the city on your tongue. Two young waifs walk down an alley looking to drown the pressures of fame with some cheap bourbon and some even cheaper thrills. The clicks of their heels echo through the alleyway, finally the sound stops as they reach an unmarked door.

“Is this it?” Mary Kate purrs with excitement.

Ashley quickly slaps her sister across the face, “I don’t know, I haven’t been here before you fucking idiot. Christ, the shit I have to do to get you laid you worthless piece of crap.”

Mary Kate’s eyes well up but she swallows hard and pulls herself together. She quietly thinks to herself that this probably won’t be the first time she is going to be swallowing hard this evening. A sense of anticipation and glee overtake her, she is turned on, partly from the flesh of her sister hitting her and partly from what is about to come.

The two women push the door and walk into a dimly lit bar. This place isn’t one that you would take your family or even your worst enemy. Throughout the bar you see people that have lived a hard life full of broken dreams, misspent youth, and times in the hoosegow. Both women walk through the bar slowly, checking out the patrons but avoiding eye contact.

Finally they stop in the corner at a booth occupied by a lone individual. His face and body is obscured by the shadows but one can still make out one appendage, his large and crooked nose.

Mary Kate looks into the booth, “I hear you like to party.”

Gonzo leans forward, “What are you guys into?”

“I’d like to snort coke off your nose,” Mary Kate whispers while Ashley takes a step forward and stumbles into the booth, her face almost in Gonzo’s crotch.

“And I’d like to snort a combination of Adderall and diet pills off of your… wait is it as crooked as your nose?”

That is all I have for now… I really think I am onto something.

What pair of fictional characters would you like to see/not see bang?

I have to say I completely love the entire Balloon Boy thing and I hope his dad doesn’t go to jail. There aren’t enough hoaxes pulled off anymore. Saying that whatever celebrity, one that is probably either slightly washed up or unheard from for a while, is dead doesn’t constitute a hoax. However faking your son’s disappearance coupled with an exciting balloon chase totally kicks ass.

Everyone is piling on the guy because of his blatant attempt to use this to gain a reality show yet we celebrate Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian for flashing their beavers and taping their sexual escapades with people that most girls hammered in a bar wouldn’t let touch them. At least this guy did it with some gusto and the threat of the death of a preschooler. That takes talent, working a video camera and acting like a whore doesn’t.

Actually I think the whore path to fame has totally worn out. America has grown tired of these antics and really craves for something pure. So we have turned to children, which has led to Octomom, Jon and Kate, and Balloon Boy. (So much for pureness.)

Now that I can’t fuck my way into the spotlight and the fact that kids take too long to develop I need to think about what is coming next and how to become the leader in that category. I know being a complete idiot and walking around with an extra chromosome while looking for a date is cool (see any VH-1 show) that won’t last long either. So I have to figure out how I can land a reality show:

1) Exploitation of animals- I have decided to wear an all kitten coat this winter. The kicker is that the kittens won’t be dead; they will just be attached to the coat. People will pet them and feed them… There might be an issue with feces but what the hell you can’t smell through a television. Each week I could find a new way to exploit an animal for personal attention… I can’t wait for Rhino week.

2) Race baiting- We are supposed to be living in a “post racial America” but anyone that has turned on cable news or watched five minutes of a tea party video knows that is far from the case. “Our use of the term coon is totally humorous.”

So why don’t I try to recreate the movie “Soul Man” and use it to prove that we don’t live in a post racial society? What is that I smell? An Emmy in the reality category or maybe that is the potential cross burning on my lawn?

3) Drug Trafficker- For some reason when people do something on reality television the law doesn’t apply to them. How many times have we witnessed someone driving drunk, punching, and other things where the people have no repercussions? So why can’t we do something super illegal and film it the entire time with the logic that we are taping a reality show? Murder for hire? Drug Mule? Prostitute? Wall Street CEO… The possibilities are endless.

Personally I am a big fan of the drug mule one. When I am at the border and the drug dogs are going ape shit I can just explain that the 75 condoms that I swallowed full of H is for a reality show. Genius? I think so.

So now that whores and children are out of the picture as a way to become a reality star what is next?

I’m sure I don’t have to convince you to hate these people, they have the charm of airport security personnel but without the community college education.

Asian babies are built in the same way that Chinese food is made: with MSG. They come out of their factories inhumanly adorable. But these kids are special. These eight mixed-race babies have the colonial promise of their caucasian heritage (O, Kate, you noble mare!) and the dopey cuteness of their half-asian father. And that’s it. Get Parry Gripp to write a 59 second song about them on YouTube and that’s all you need to know about their lives. Like that chimpanzee on that Segway.

I wonder why someone loves the spotlight so much?

But let’s just take a second to understand something: real celebrities do not participate in celebrity circus. This arena is reserved for the Prats, Kathy Griffin, everyone who gets twelve year-old girls off (Twilight, Zac, the JoBros) and other no-talent, no-shame, nobodies. Jon and Kate find themselves under these jerks.

Once you remove the eight Furbies from the phenomenon, you’re left with two boring, flabby idiots. Who could’ve predicted that these two average people could be split up by the TV’s holy forces — greed, fame and sex? Yes, Jon looks like Bert of Bert and Ernie, but tons of chicks are into the fact that he has radioactive sperm. One go with this guy and you can kiss your intact uterus goodbye. And girls like that. Obviously, he’s a chick magnet. And yeah, we all feel for Kate. She’s tragically welcome in our hearts like Bambi with headgear. She makes us feel good about our looks and fashion choices, primarily because she looks like a shitty mix of Ellen and a Geico caveman. And she’s got the elegance and self-awareness of that chubby girl in your shop class with her period showing.

But SOMEONE (ahem) keeps giving these fuck-ups all this attention, and no parenting skills. Daddy’s out frenching randoms and Mommy’s on Larry King talking about her mismanaged money, meanwhile, these adorable, frightening little ‘human’ children are without parents. Poor, stupid little Aidan is repeatedly ramming his head into the wall, getting closer and closer to making the show “Kate’s Lonely in Heaven with Only 7″.

All of these exclusive reports are telling us the same thing: Jon and Kate are invested in their children’s futures, that’s it. That’s why they’re fighting about the money, right? But, sorry guys, it’s too late already. When you have seven siblings, you don’t need to worry about the future too much. You’re fucked because you get — at best — an eighth of the love and guidance that your lousy ginger cousin’s getting from your annoying aunt. No matter how hard Jon and Kate try, at least three of the kids will be bipolar, two will be raging lesbians and one will accept Jesus, like REALLY accept Jesus. So just cut your losses and tell the truth: these people suck ass.

By: Brunchnugget

My personal policy has been to just buy the cheapest thing possible and get the hell out of their way. They feel happy because they pushed some crappy stuff on me and I feel okay because I boosted their spirits so that they can be told “no” for the next two hours.

This was a pretty harmonious balance until Saturday when it all got messed up.

The Boy Scouts have deployed a new technique that I don’t approve of but it totally work… Yup, you guessed it, station the one MILF out of the entire group of parents to work with the boys.

On Saturday I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things so I could stay glued to the couch for the remainder of the weekend convalescing. After grabbing what I needed and breezing through the self checkout line I was giddy that I was going to get home to watch the start of college football when I was approached by two kids. In fact that kids didn’t really say anything, they just kind of stood there and looked awkward while the MILF came in and started pitching me popcorn.

Her slightly unbuttoned shirt and rosy demeanor wasn’t something I was expecting or prepared for. In fact it was overwhelming. Within two minutes I was buying $25 worth of microwave popcorn that I could probably buy in a supermarket for under $10.

As one of the snot filled kids handed me the box, probably giving me H1N1 I stumbled out of the store not knowing what hit me. With each step I took to the car I grew more and more upset. The kids didn’t sell me or even ASK me to buy anything it was the MILF and she was using stripper-selling techniques.

Stripper selling techniques 101

1) Shove tits in face

2) Smile

3) Talk in a sexy voice

4) Get guy to buy you anything you want

How did I fall for this? How was I blinded to what was going on? It boiled down to the fact that her breasts were utterly fantastic and they were deployed in an area where I wasn’t expecting them. In a strip club you can resist the stripper selling techniques, in a bar with some trashy girls you can as well, Vegas… sure. You expect cleavage to be shoved at you. Outside of a supermarket on a Saturday morning… well that is just a sneak attack.

So Boy Scouts of America I have to say it is on. Next time a scout comes to my door to sell me anything I am pissing on them from the second floor. That is of course unless you send a MILF out with them. Bastards.

First of all there were more women at the event than men (10 men vs. 14 women), which I guess was good for me especially when you break down the women.

4 of the 14- In Roman times these four women would have been tossed off a cliff so they didn’t weaken the gene pool.

2 of the 14- I call this the “I wear horribly inappropriate clothing for my body type” group. We come in all shapes and sizes, I am far from slim and far from morbidly obese but I recognize what I can and can’t wear clothing wise. When your cleavage and fat roll combine together to make a breastgut, which you show off by wearing the tightest shirt possible than you need an intervention

4 of the 14- Dateable, attractive, and I would go on a real date with them.

4 of the 14- The other four are severely lacking a personality and probably are owners of multiple cats.

4 out of 14 isn’t horrible I guess. I should also point out that 2 out of 14 were psychiatrists. I am not sure what that tells you about that field of study. On the flip side this is what I was up against. (Not including myself.) Now mind you this is just based off of looks, I didn’t actually talk to any of the guys.

2 out of 10- Two of the guys were pretty well put together. Groomed and dressed decently. You can tell they showered, which can’t be understated.

1 out of 10- A guy wearing a Cosby sweater.

1 out of 10- The event was for people 29-39. There is no way this guy was under 45. In fact he looked like the dad from “Just the Ten of Us”.

1 out of 10- Shaved head, goatee, and an arm sleeve of tats, the bad boy of the group. He had a ton of attention before the event started from the ladies that were there early. Women love guys that potentially suffer from hepatitis, it is just a fact.

4 out of 10- I am going to just assume that they were virgins.

The format was that each person would go on a ten minute “date”. Guys would rotate through table by table while the women stayed stationary. Each person was given a sheet where they wrote down notes and had a check box if they wanted to go out with that person. Each party involved protected these sheets like nuclear launch codes. I wish I could say that each date was memorable and interesting but it was far from the case. Here are some of the highlights.

-“The Party of No”- Occasionally you could sneak a look at the other person’s sheet. I caught one sheet by someone that fell into the cat group. She had met with seven guys so far and gave them all a no. This really made me think a couple of things. First thing is: how bad were those other seven guys? The second thing is what the hell were her criteria? Did she realize she is on the path to dying completely and utterly alone? Did she think her cats would not like the guy?

-“Miss Overly Enthusiastic” There is nothing worse than fake enthusiasm. When you play up the fake enthusiasm to a super level that is blended with desperation and the smell of someone’s ovaries drying up it is frightening. Personally I want women to be completely aloof and not interested in anything over someone that is interested anything I say or put in front of her.

(This is what the conversation sounded like in my head.)

Me: So I made toast this morning.

Her: TOAST is the single greatest thing ever!!!!! What did you put on it? Please say grape jelly, please say grape jelly… Do you think our kids will like grape jelly? Please fill me with your seed.

-“You don’t mind if I eat?” The weirdest moment came when one of my dates had a plate of food delivered to her, which she promptly destroyed right in front of me. Is there anything more attractive than watching someone knock back a baked potato like they have been stranded on an island for a decade? She couldn’t wait an extra half hour to eat? This has to be some sort of violation of speed dating protocol. Can someone dig up Miss Manners and ask her?

-“Shelly Duval” One of the last few “dates” that I had was with a woman that looked like Shelly Duval. All I could think about was “The Shining” which led me to think about those creepy little girls. It freaked me the fuck out.

In the end on my little sheet I checked that I would like to be set up with three of the people. They have to check on their sheet that they are interested in me in return in order to be set up on a “date”. I don’t know if I really would want to go out with any of them and the checkmarks are more to feed my ego and see if I was right by picking them. Of course if none of the three checked their boxes and I am told nobody is interested in me I won’t leave the house for the year and will probably urinate it various bottles that I will store in my pantry.

Have you, would you, or could you ever do speed dating?

At the next stop a decidedly average looking man jumped on board who was to be anything but average. Imagine if you will someone with a stock car driver frame, a holden hat and a suspiciously bent looking nose.

Then imagine the very same man with the most explosive case of verbal diarrhea you have heard on a train in your life. Sizing up the nearest female he launched into some canine barking. This was to be later explained as something his idol Chris Angel does. Then seeing my uncovered ears he introduced himself as Andrew which means impaled by an angel (apparently).

Being a magnet for all things weird and wonderful we then shared a pole and a discussion of sorts lurched through a variety of subjects.

I could hardly contain my glee. Not since South East Asia has a subject gladly given me such beautiful material. With all of my considerable power I mentally transcribed the conversation for you my eager readers.

Dialog in bold is the funny chap. Dialog in italics are my own attempts to keep the conversation on target.

Big night then?

Nah got hit in the head though can you see it?

Yes I do think I can see something on your head.

Wow look at all of the people on this bus. Lots of children and people going to work. Its CRAZY.Yes it is mass transport.That is quite a hard profession to break into.No I do not play football.I enjoy Gaelic football and method writingBark Bark Woof WoofAt this point we stopped, the sea of full seats parted and my new found friend moved onto to torture another passenger. I kept a keen ear on proceedings….

The poor chap he sat beside had a book.So you use your brain don’t you?It was with a wry smile that I got off the train with a female passenger who had been barked at. She was happy to be escaping. I remarked I would blog about the journey so something good would come of it. I think my last words were in the same been up all night drunken growl.

Yeah so I am a comedian in case you wondering why you are laughing. My whole family are comedians. My mum, my dad, my sisters, my granddad and my grandmother.

So do you play soccer?

You look like posh spice’s boyfriend what sports are you into?

You have a shaved head it has a few bumps. Everyone who has a shaved head has a reason for it being shaved what is your reason?

……….

Gotta use your brain!

Brains are like bones. If you didn’t have them you would flop around like a mullet.

No offense of course.

“No offense but I am a really offensive unfunny comedian”

Guest Blogger Daniel McConnell

Like most other heterosexual men and lesbian women, I went to see Transformers 2 this summer. Anyone who says that movie was good should be shot in the face with an M66 or stabbed in the gut with the sword from Halo. There was one good thing about this movie, but five bad things. And I do mean bad:

5. The plot sucked butt. Major butt. In the first movie, Megatron was like the shit. Can i cuss? Not sure. Anyway, he was the shit. In this movie, there was some new guy called ‘the Fallen’ and the cube was like irrelevant. Made the first movie seem kinda pointless. And, Shiola Bluff still isn’t hot! Then you had like a robot that looked like a hot blonde chick….where did that come from?

4. Why so cheesy! You know, when they like bring up the music and slow everyone down for that extra dramatic effect, when all they were doing is running. If Megan Fox was topless, I would totally understand the point, but she kept her clothes on.

3. Megan Fox kept her clothes on.

2. They made Starscream look like a punk. If you watched Transformers like as a kid, chances are Starscream was like the coolest thing since pockets and the most awesome thing since me. Did I tell you? I’m awesome. Anyway, like they just made him look like he stanked.

1. We have come to the number one reason why Transformers sucked. Drum roll….cause the parents were just plain annoying. Come on!…the mom ate one weed brownie and was high 10 seconds later. It takes a little longer than that to work. And weed doesn’t make you crunk, it frees your mind and make you creative. It also relaxes you and makes ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ the greatest movie ever to watch. Giving my mom weed would make her the coolest mom ever, not the most annoying.

The only reason Transformers was awesome is cause Megan Fox is hot. It disappointed me that she kept her clothes on, but I would still do her. I’m sure my husband wouldn’t care that I said that, cause he wants to do her too. She just doesn’t know that she could get this. I would go into detail, but I’m sure none of you guys would enjoy that ramble.

Given the barrage of kick ass video games this holiday season, one has to sit back and wonder… will I ever get laid? After a solemn head nod and 45 minutes of crying, the next question they would wonder is…what’s next? I happen to have a secret source within the gaming industry, let’s call this person “my little brother” and he has dished to me the next wave of new games coming to a console near you:

Grand Theft OJ (xbox 360, Wii)- Starts off like Madden ‘79 except when the first quarter ends you kill your wife and navigate your white Bronco through the streets to escape the cops. Doesn’t matter what you do the cops always run into each other and you win every time. Finishes with a demo of Tiger Woods Golf with OJ as the only playable character. Wii Limited Edition comes with a bonus Nintendo Power Glove, but gets recalled shortly thereafter because it never seems to fit anyone.

Rapstar (Wii)- Build up your character as a young white male with a dream. Finish the game playing with the patented WiiSpatula flipping burgers at Mcdonald’s. Final boss battle with parole officer and pregnant wife promises to be a challenge. Rumor has it $50.00/month covers child support online play.

Lindsey Lohan’s Prodater (PS3)- Navigate the streets of LA giving blowjobs to homeless men for beers to increase your health. Then spread the diseases you have acquired to every C-list male actor you come across. Final Boss battle is an epic fight between Lindsey and Left Behind star Kirk Cameron. Give him Herpes and you win the game, and the hearts of America.

Rock Band: Guns n Roses (all systems)- Start off in career mode playing as Axl or Slash. Expert difficulty with Slash makes it impossible to see  when matted black hair and cigarette smoke covers the screen. Build up a massive fan base, sell out arenas, and earn platinum album sales with both characters. Those that play as Slash finish the game to discover a code for downloadable Rock Band: Velvet Revolver. Those that complete the game as Axl are promised downloadable content as well, but it isn’t released for 17 years.

So go ahead kids, start those Christmas lists early, and while you are at it, add me to your Xbox live. I’ll need your help battling Samantha Ronson in Prodater. I’m only a level 5 Carpetlicker.

-Devin

Devin is the Ken Jennings of shittypoems.com andaskmeshit.com along with many other pointless sites that no one visits.

-discord in a relationship

-someone to lose political office

-a police officer to be embarrassed

-the discovery of someone’s secret porn career

Now at the event that shall not be named I was told that I was, “running for the governor of the new south” because I was being extremely sociable, buying drinks, and….

-paying for body shots off of people of the opposite sex

-leading a recreation of a donkey show I have seen in Mexico

-staging a reenactment of the Miggs greeting Clarice scene in Silence of the Lambs

-dancing to the greatest hits of Loverboy

I am disappointed that I am not allowed to talk about it. Personally my favorite part was.

-having a “sword fight” while taking a piss

-paying for a fat stripper to distract my friend while taking a billiards shot

-telling Matt LeBlanc I loved him in the monkey movie

-disproving everything about Mormonism

So you can recreate what you think the story is and know going that no matter what you chose it wasn’t as great as the actual event.