The next big fad that has hit over the last few years is MMA short for Mixed Martial Arts. It is a combination of the grandeur of fake professional wrestling with the combat of multiple fighting disciplines like real wrestling (you know the sport where people get ringworm from unwashed mats and cauliflower ear), boxing (the most corrupt sport on the planet), and crazy ninja shit (I have nothing ill to say about crazy ninja shit).

A few of my friends are into MMA and I tried to watch a few of the PPVs with them. My friends talked up these cards as brutal fights, really enjoyable to watch and you have the added fun that you can gamble online. All it turned into were guys rolling around on the ground trying to work in a punch. It was really boring and pretty lame. Although it did get some bonus points because Joe Rogan is an announcer:

However I just couldn’t get into it. Plus when I looked at the fan base it just made me think of professional wrestling fans with a little more bloodlust. I don’t mean to judge but it didn’t seem like the most intelligent group on the planet. In fact it made Philadelphia Eagle’s fans seem like rocket scientists. You know the same group of guys that booed a potentially paralyzed player, chucked batteries at Santa Claus, and have a court room with a jail built into their stadium.

Last week I decided to give it another chance and watch a show on CBS on Saturday night. The company that was running the fight was basically a minor league company compared to the main company that puts these on, UFC. However this card offered up the internet fighting sensation Kimbo Slice. Known for videos on YouTube of him fighting in backyard brawls knocking the crap out of people and his history of working as a bodyguard for rappers and porn stars. Here is some of his work:

On the undercard of the fight was a women’s fight staring the infamous Gina Carano. Now I am all for women having the ability to have any job a man can have and doing anything that we do. But I have to say watching women fight, unless it is in a hair pulling catfight like way, is utterly disturbing. Even more so when one of them is good looking, it really is horrible to watch.

I have to say that I like my women fighters to look like men or Ellen DeGeneres.

Anyway, the time had come for the Kimbo Slice fight. His original opponent was a 44-year-old fighter named Ken Shamrock that used to be one of the toughest guys in UFC and went on to fake wrestle in the WWE. Shamrock hadn’t won a fight in something like six years and is considered washed up. Sadly instead of watching that would be bloodbath, Shamrock was not allowed to fight because he opened up a cut while training that morning that required medical attention. So it left the organization scrambling to fill that slot and found a guy named Seth Petruzelli who was scheduled to not even be on the show but on the undercard before the event went televised. Petruzelli ended up knocking out the internet sensation and what a lot of people were calling the toughest man on the planet in 14 seconds.

However that isn’t the best thing about it. On Seth’s MySpace page he says that he is a “goofy homo” and is a fan of the cock. (not that there is anything wrong with that) Here is a selection of pictures from his photo album:

The thing is there has been very little coverage of his sexuality because in this big tough world of fighting the last thing that these organizations want released to the public and to your less than open-minded fan base is that the “toughest man in the world” got knocked out by a guy that wears nipple clamps on occasion.

If I were this organization I would be putting a microphone in front of this guy and have him say that the fight was FABULOUS in the biggest lisp ever. (even though he doesn’t talk that way) Every redneck would be paying through the nose to watch the rematch and plus you would draw the GLBT crowd in a major way. But alas they don’t have the balls to market it this way making MMA even lamer.
Who wouldn’t want a gay “toughest guy on the planet”?

After all the drama around my high school graduation my friends and I  were a little bent out of shape at the basketball coach.  In fact we had revenge on the mind. Throughout the summer we would make an effort to drive by his driveway on our way into Geneseo and launch whatever bottles we had in the car to the end of his driveway. It was mildly entertaining to say the least and slightly personally gratifying.

However the bottle launching wasn’t enough. On the eve of what was going to be one of the hottest days of the summer we decided to launch a plan so devious that it would live with us forever. What was it? Bomb a corner store? Hijack a bus and hold the people for ransom? Nope. Something worse. We were going to drill a hole in the side of their above ground pool.

The only way to accomplish this mission was to do it in the cover of night. We went and got everything that we ever owned that was black to wear. After we got “dressed” up we took turns laying in the backyard of my friend’s house and shutting off the light. The other three people would try and determine where the one person was hiding. It was kind of like the sniper training scene in “Clear and Present Danger.” Then we decided to map out an operational strategy including a map, hand signs, and who was going to carry what. We ultimately were going to have the last laugh or so we thought.

At about 1 am it was time for action. We parked my friend’s parent’s caravan down a service road and cut up through the cornfield behind the house. It was something to see, the precision, the stealth, and all of us trying to hold back from pissing ourselves from laughing so hard. Finally we hit the backyard and went directly to the pool. Two members from our group started to use an old-fashioned hand drill to work on the wall of the pool. The junior member of our group Terry, the only one of us that would be returning to high school the next year, went off by himself doing who knows what. That left me standing there with nothing to do. So I did what any man in my situation would. I went to piss on the car door handle of the coach’s car.

After cleaning out my bladder I returned back to where my friend’s were, they were having trouble drilling into the pool. Part of the reason was because the drill just wasn’t strong enough and the other was that they were laughing so hard that they really couldn’t put any effort in. We decided to ditch the idea of drilling a hole in the pool and dumped an entire bottle of Dawn into the swimming pool. In our minds we figured that the bullshit we had to deal with in high school from the coach was evened out by ruining their ability to swim the next day. It was pretty spotty logic at best.

At that point we had been in the yard for a few minutes and knew it was time to retreat. We saw Terry and waved for him to follow us then turned and hit the cornfield. Finally we ended up back in the mini-van where Terry revealed to us that he stole the flag from their backyard putting green (evidence… that is no good) and then told us that he cut the wire from the house to the satellite dish, did something to the pool filter, keyed their car, and a ton of other things.

Apparently he had decided to increase the destruction level past a point that was acceptable but we had to live with it. We returned back to his house and laughed our asses off the entire way. The thing is we wouldn’t be laughing for long.

What is the most destruction you have ever caused?

Here is what you need to do:

1) Procure the illegal narcotic

To obtain cocaine you need to find a place where young, money hungry, business type people hang out. I understand if you buy it in the ghetto that it is usually what people refer to as “crack” cocaine. For the purposes of this exercise crack cocaine will not work.

2) Procure the woman

There are multiple places where you can find the proper female counterpart for this. Due to the use of illegal narcotics you may want to avoid any upscale adult gentlemen’s clubs because they may frown upon it there (well except to fuel the girl) so if you are interested in a stripper you may want to hire one through a private service. Instead you should turn towards Craigslist or any bar that is run down and still uses the word “lounge” in it. The lounge usually is near a motel or has a poorly lit parking lot.

3) Make sure you have the rest of the proper equipment

In the movies people are always cutting up cocaine with a credit card or a playing card so I supposed you will need that. Also in the movies they use mirrors but since you are going to be doing it off the ass of a girl you will not need to get a small handheld mirror.

Additionally you may need money to roll up so you can snort it. (It is more of a style issue.) Usually the dollar bill is the way to go but I think depending on how you want to present yourself you would want to change the denomination. If you really want to be a true player I would recommend getting a hundred dollar bill. Nothing says class like running some pure Columbian coke past the ongoing gaze of Benjamin Franklin.

4) Apply the cocaine

There are a few different ways you can go on about this depending on your economic status and the amount of blow you have.

If you are swimming in product you can go the Jack Nicholson route from “The Departed” and liberally toss it around. Much like you toss flour at the vagina of a morbidly obese woman to see where to insert your penis. (Although I have never done that I have read about it on Richard Simmons’ Blog.) You don’t need to be accurate and the girl doesn’t need to be in any specific position because you are going with the “throw it at the wall and see what sticks” method.

For the other half with meager economic means you will have to make sure the target is bent over in a preferred location. From there you will dabble the line of cocaine onto the ass in a spot where it will remain steady long enough for you to partake. You want to look for a flat location and not the back curve.

5) Snort away like an anteater

Depending on how the narcotic is applied you may just go in for the snort or go with the rolled up dollar bill. Really it is a choice of style. Using the dollar bill is like drinking tea with your pinkie sticking out, classy. Going right in for the snort is a very animal type reaction and visceral.

Now you have completed your conquest and probably will have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror for at least 5-8 days.

How many people are going to be doing this tonight?

Oo-fa that is some crusty lookin shizz right there folks.  It looks like he glued Megan Fox’s pubes all up on his face, and if that’s the case, then more power to him.  And it doesn’t stop there.  Everywhere you look in Hollywood these past couple of years, the dirt-stache rears its bristly head.

“Hey Ladies - Free Dirt-Stache Rides!”

“OK, very funny you guys.  Now who gave me the Dirty Sanchez?”

Mustache courtesy of Meg White’s vagina

“Mommy…er, I mean Demi, says it makes me look older.”

So what is it with the dirt-stache that makes it so sheek?  Is it the way it cries out “hey I just don’t give a fuck anymore?”  The fact that it can double as a hairbrush for small dogs?  And if these oh so famous men can embrace their follicly-challenged upper lips, shouldn’t I do so as well?

I really had planned on sitting down and writing a book entitled, “How to hide a dead stripper’s body and everything else a guy should know.” But in reality the amount of time I have right now is nil. In fact it is less than nil it is negative nil, although that can’t be a number but for discussion sake it is.

So I have decided to take the outline I had written and the content I have written and turn it into blog posts. You will see the first one tomorrow and I have to say some of this is pretty funny shit or at least mind numbing. It should make for the utter crap I have been posting. Also I wanted to take this opportunity to open it up for topics. What are things you want to know how to do? No matter how wrong they are or how strange I will write a guide on how to do them.

Tomorrow will be the first entry in this series that will appear from time to time.

Also if you didn’t get a bumper sticker and want one please let me know. If you want more I can also send you more. I have around 100 left and have no problem shipping them out. I know there is at least 4 people that wanted them that didn’t get them in my initial send out. Of course I am disorganized and can’t remember who they are. Just use the contact form at the top of the page and let me know. At some point I am going to run a contest with them.

Another thing I wanted to talk about is the commenting situation. I used to get a ton of comments on posts because I replied and was part of the conversation. I got lazy, I got busy, and I got ungrateful… So I am going to do a better job with the comments, I want this place to be a site where you come back a few times during the day and talk some shit. On days that I am traveling for business I am probably just not going to post. Or maybe let you guys know I won’t be there to comment until later in the day. (Like today… I am going to be in NYC.)

Some of you probably don’t give a shit either way but it was bugging me. And now I feel better…

You see OJ represented the fact that if you have money and fame you could do whatever the hell you wanted. Murder, armed robbery, threats, screwing former Playboy models, and golfing while looking for the “real killers” in a mocking way that upsets all the families of the people you killed are all things that are fun to get away with. But now we see that no matter what you do it will eventually catch up with you, which sucks.

I liked to know that if I ever got rich and famous that I could get away with anything. Having that taken away from me sullies the dream of getting loaded and living above the law. My hit list of everyone that has ever wronged me (and that dick from the delivery service that didn’t bring my 2 liter mountain dew on Saturday is now on the top of the list) is now gone, tossed because I know I can’t just buy my way out of it.

Forget the financial crisis, the war in Iraq, and the general down spin our country is facing. This is the most important thing we need to be worried about, without a sociopath celebrity running around responsible with fueling our idea that the rich and powerful can get away with anything what are we going to do? We need someone to take this baton from OJ and run with it.

Here are a few people I would like to see step up and represent.

Rosie O’Donnell

We get to bust a few different glass ceilings here with it being a woman and a lesbian. This would be amazing because it would be flipping the exploitation of power onto a whole new demographic which is good. Although when she returns to “The View” and murders Elizabeth Hasselbeck and gets away with it I don’t see a major backlash.

Eddie Murphy

He needs to jumpstart his career and being a wisecracking murderer that got away with it might just do that. Or a new standup special that returns him to the world of adult humor. Actually I would rather just have him knock someone off, his sarcastic interviews about looking for the “real killers” would potentially be hilarious.

Dick Cheney

He already shot someone in the face and got away with it. Why not step it up a notch? We need to be able to keep tabs on him after this administration is over. What better way would that be than watching him get out of a murder trial. I am thinking the murder of a transvestite hooker.

Miley Cyrus

From the age standpoint and the generational standpoint there is no better pick. Plus a little tarnish to her image will be a good thing. Well I should say additional tarnish besides lame cell phone picks with her attempting to act slutty. We need a real reason to dislike her. It would be great to be able to fear and respect someone that weighs less than 80 pounds.

Who do you think should replace OJ as the celebrity killer at large?

One thing that I have always been amazed with is the complete idiots I deal with in the educational system. As I continue my higher education I continually run into people that would have problems figuring out where Waldo is let alone getting their college degree.

My classmates, I fit right in

When I moved to California I had to spend a year at a Junior College aka a Community College because of the difference requirements that New York State and California  had. Each day I would experience something that would make me lose all faith in people and hate going to school. The class that drew the most ire from me was my public speaking class, which was a train wreck that was beyond description. Every time we had to give a speech it was a total mess, you never knew what was going to come out of the mouths of some of the people in the class. One time we had a girl compare Walt Disney to Hitler, another talked about how all “non-believers” were going to hell, you never really knew what people were going to say which added to the excitement of it (and not in a good way). The following entry was written a day after we gave our “informative speeches”, I think it paints a good picture of why nobody will care if there is a massive earthquake that will split California off into the sea.

Setting Back AIDS Knowledge by Ten Years

Originally Posted- 10/06/2004

For my second speech in my public speaking class we had to do an informative speech.

I did a speech on political spin, another person did a speech on the difference between disk brakes and drum brakes, and someone else did a speech on the importance of water in our everyday diets.

Decent speeches, nothing exciting but nothing totally mind numbing until that point, then a girl got up and decided to speak out AIDS and HIV. She cited stats about how many people have it in Ventura County, LA, and for some random reason Bakersfield. (Out of all the cities and counties you could quote stats about why Bakersfield? Which was hours away and the biggest shit hole known to mankind.) For my NY friends Bakersfield is like Utica… the armpit of the state.

The girl went on to say that one of her co-workers was missing work so the boss was going to fire him. Her co-worker came out and said that they had HIV and explained that they had just found out and that was why they were missing work so much. I figured that she was setting the stage to talk about rights of people with HIV and how this person was courageous to admit to their co-workers that they were dealing with this. Of course I was wrong. The speech totally spiraled out of control, the girl went onto say that everyone that she worked with was going to quit unless the guy was fired and that she was leading the charge to make that happen.

She then went onto say that they couldn’t fire him which she found appalling and disappointing. Instead they basically segregated him from the other workers. She is not saying this in a manner where she was outraged but like it was the right thing to do. Where did they work you ask? A bank…

She finished by saying that the guy was really hot and he didn’t look like he had AIDS. And in summation we should be careful because anyone we might run into could have AIDS no matter what they look like.

I was sitting behind our professor and I think shre threw up in her mouth.

I am amazed daily about how stupid people are.

What is the worst class presenation you have ever seen?

Hearing this commercial was funny and sad at the same time for me. I mean if our secret societies are running ads to get people interested in them where are we heading? Are we just not into joining organizations or groups, I know I don’t really belong to any. In a few years am I going to be unable to buy Girl Scout Cookies because there will be like two Scouts in my entire town? We can’t let that happen. I need my shortbread cookies damn it.

I am afraid that people just don’t care about participating in external organizations.

So in order to preserve these organizations I have decided to share my marketing skills and help the Free Masons really drive memberships. Here are some of the points I think they should bring up in their marketing literature instead of this honor and secrecy bullshit.

-Every Friday night is just like Eyes Wide Shut

Masked orgies with ridiculously hot naked women…. This would lead to the largest mass sign up of all time. In fact they might actually have to reject people, not that their standards are all that high.

Requirements to join:

-If you join before 2009 you can participate in a high end murder that we cover up!

Allegedly the Masons have been involved in some high end murders in their history including some in Italy that are documented. So I am banking they have their hands dirty in the Kennedy assassination, we’ve blamed everyone else why not? I have a feeling that they are going to be responsible for the death of Michael Cera, saving us from Michael Cera just playing Michael Cera in every movie for the rest of his life. Which would be the same career projection of Michael Rapaport.

-Goat Masks and Leather Chaps!

What is more fun than doing things in goat masks and leather masks? Nothing I say…. nothing.

So who is ready to become a Freemason?

Wow, I loved this film when it came out in 1997 under the title Liar Liar.  Ya know, the one where Carrey stars as a guy who can suddenly only tell the truth?  Now I loved Liar Liar, and for all I know Yes Man could be good as well, but it just reeks of a quick cash-grab for Carrey, who obviously would rather bury his face in between Jenny’s teats than in an original script.  And hey, who can blame him?

 

 

“This new tampon makes me feel so fresh!  I want to sing it out to the world!”

However, I was further shocked when I purused some of his upcoming projects.  I think you will be shocked as well.

 

Stupid is as Stupid Does - A rather dim man and his halfwit friend embark on a zany roadtrip to return a set of blueprints to a beautiful woman.

Spades Malone: Kid Investigator - A wacky private eye who specializes in solving cases involving kids steals the heart of his uptight female client.  Hilarity ensues when Carrey talks with his Urethra.

The Number 24 - A man becomes obsessed with the television series 24 and thinks that it is about him.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas 2… ah fuck it this one’s just too unbelievable to even joke about.