So I decided to stop doing work and watch the Michael Jackson ceremony today. I figure so many of you have real jobs and couldn’t spend you afternoon watching one last way for people to exploit his name… err… I mean a celebration of his life. Now before I get started like I said the other day the dude was a great performer and have accomplished a lot but this production and the entire situation around his death has really gone over the top. I decided to keep a running diary of this event/debacle.

(Some of these were things I posted on Twitter and Facebook to a mild reaction of displeasure and hate.)

1: 00- Sweet ready to go. Decided to watch NBC news just because I like Brian Williams and they have the best “black reporters that sound like white guys”. Yes Lester I am looking directly in your direction.

1: 14- Smokey Robinson reads a note from Dinah Ross and then Nelson Mandela. Glad to know those to uppity assholes couldn’t make.

1:24-Uh nothing for ten minutes, this is well planned.

1:30- This is supposed to go 90 minutes, glad to see it is on time and ready to go.

1:35- I wonder if his father is going to wear a t-shirt promoting his new record label. Or at least mention a new album is dropping on the 15^th.

1:37- They are wheeling in the casket, kind of creepy.

1:40- Mariah Carey and some other dude. A total mess of a situation, potential train wreck event, and a ton of cameras… Of course Mariah is there.

1:45- How did they get Queen Latifah? I am sure her schedule is packed with uh… Nothing.  She is reading a poem by Maya Angelou written especially for Michael. I wonder if she had this ready to go like Elton John does of versions for Candle in the Wind?

(Friend’s Tweet: cynical_redhead@pointlessbanter i’m sure she has Pizza Hut and Jenny Craig commercials to do…why is it only me that sees the contradiction there?

1:50- Lionel Richie is there… I hope he locked up his liquor cabinet before heading over. You never know what Nicole is capable of doing. The good thing is he doesn’t have to worry about her eating that plate of leftovers he has been hankering for since this morning.

1:54- I have no idea who is speaking, someone from Mowtown maybe? Berry Gordy maybe? (yes it is) They just panned to Smokey Robinson who was surrounded by two of the hottest women ever… Apparently “Tears of a Clown” still pulls in some tail. Gordy just mentioned Tito, the first time anyone has mentioned Tito in years.

2:02- Berry Gordy is still talking… I am already bored.

2:04- Video tribute to MJ even with a reference to the press… I wonder if they are going to show the extended crotch grab and car smack up at the end of “Black and White”?

2:07- Stevie Wonder… Even I can’t make fun of Stevie Wonder. See I am human. Well Stevie can’t, but whatever.

2:15- Magic and Kobe Bryant take the stage. If I ever really wanted HIV to be an airborne disease it is right now. I hate Bryant. Magic is telling a story about how Michael Jackson ate KFC in front of him, saying it was the greatest day in his life… Wow, I can’t understand why he doesn’t have a TV show anymore.

(Note: I had this exchange with a friend on FB.)

Seth: I like that the best moment of his life was eating Kentucky Fried Chicken, sitting on the floor…really???

Me: I guess his kids, NBA titles, and not getting full blown Aids all take a back seat.

2:21- Bad year for Jennifer Hudson… Family murdered, then she was in the Sex and the City movie, and now singing a song that mentions “feed me” repeatedly.

2:25- Al Sharpton sighting. Not surprising, whenever he has a chance to exploit another legacy of an African American he surfaces. Do black people even like him?

2:34- John Mayer? Really? It is nice to see John Mayer take a break from making Jennifer Aniston batshit crazy and actually play music

2:39- Brooke Shields… Is she going to clear up about the time they spent together? Were they dating? Ah she said it was a friendship… She then went onto say that they met when she was 13… a little old for him. She just said that he loved to be teased… uh… I am not even touching that one.

She actually gave a heartfelt speech, much more touching than the other crap that we have seen.

2:47- Nice to Jermaine Jackson getting some work. Is this about honoring his brother or the hope of getting a new recording deal? Do you think his dad will sign him?

2:53- Martin Luther King III- I didn’t even know he existed, I knew about his daughter. You can’t make fun of the King family. Well except that they are there but whatever.

2:59- Congresswomen Shelia Jackson Lee from Houston, you don’t have anything better to do? Glad Congress could spare a member to tell us that Michael Jackson is innocent. (Cough) $22 million settlement (Cough)… I don’t want to get political but uh I think there are some more pressing problems we have to deal with.

3:07- Usher has to be the “headliner” of the service. No Justin Timberlake? Wait… Janet and him probably can’t be in the same room for legal reasons. I thought there would be a higher star wattage. No real heavyweights that were his contemporaries in the 80s.

3:12- Another video tribute. I will give them this they but together a much better show than I thought over the last week…

3:13- Smokey Robinson talking about young kids at his concerts telling him he stole a song from Michael Jackson. Really? What is young at this point 35?

3:19-Shaneneda Jaradjad… Some kid singing. Longest name ever, I am too lazy to pause the TIVO. Nice heartfelt speech from the kid. You have to appreciate that. Apparently he was supposed to be a part of the Jackson show in London.

3:22- Kenny Ortega the producer of his shows explains who the kid is. He just said the Staples Center was Michael’s house. I am waiting for Kobe to jump on stage and rape him… wait this isn’t Colorado.

3:25- The crew from his show is doing a version of “We Are the World” including a guy with the freakiest eyes I have ever seen.  I have to say the song doesn’t as good without Huey Lewis. How pissed do you think this band has to be? No world tour? Do you think they are getting paid for this? Also do you think Lionel Richie is pissed that the entire world thinks Jackson wrote that song now?

All the performers and family members get on stage now singing “Heal the World”… I have to ask, for a guy that protected his kids from the view of cameras do you think he would be happy having his kids photographed multiple times during this?

(Best comment of the day from Mike aka Armand Assante’s Left Ventricle: He’d only care if they didn’t bring friends over. Sorry.)

3:35- Jermaine thanks everyone and tells everyone that he was his voice and backbone. The other family members are now getting their television time. I wonder if we are going to see another Janet nipple slip. Wait that is why JT is not there!!!!

Marlon keeps talking and talking… Now his daughter Paris spoke and truly gave a touching, heartwarming comment, which probably would have been better served in private. That clip is going to get replayed over and over, probably not what he would have wanted. I guess it kind of sums up the entire mess that the last 15 years of his life has become.

Alright so there you go…. The running diary for one of the largest pop culture events of our lives.

Let the hate mail begin.

P.S.- When I die if someone live blogs the event… well I just would like to say you are an asshole.

I don’t consider myself a great golfer. While I can go out and play well I am not going to be quitting my job, whatever that is, for the PGA tour. However I know I can go out and shoot in the 80s, tie together a solid round, and win some money off of friends. That is all I really can ask for. (Although that doesn’t happen all the time, or should I say “often”. It is more likely that I will go out, drink heavily, pout when I play bad, and lose money… But we need to look at the positive.)

This year I joined a golf league that is put together by a “social club” here in Boston. It is co-ed and not all that competitive… There is a tournament at the end of the season but it is more for fun.

Yesterday I showed up to see that I was grouped with two guys I normally play with and a female. Usually the females that I golf with in this league are horrible players, they are using the league to find a guy to date, plus they have a mild interest in golf and decided to blend it all together. (Really what silences a biological clock more than fondling a giant rod?)

However this time it was different, this girl could play. Combine her ability with me playing awful and it led to me getting destroyed by a girl. When I say destroy I mean, “Utterly humiliated beyond all recognition.” (To be fair she did beat one of the other guys in our group. Which is actually worse because he has about $2,000 worth of equipment in his bag and it looks like she picked hers up at the flea market.)

At the end of the round she asked if we wanted to go out and grab a beer. While she was attractive and this invite could have been her flirting I just couldn’t do it. All I could think about was the future where I was sitting in the shower in the fetal position crying wearing a pair of pumps after she shoved a three wood into my ass and laughed as she routinely emasculates me.

Ok… maybe not… Maybe I was just to sore of a loser to get a beer with a women that beat me in golf. The pump story sounded better though.

I will admit I am a sentimental guy. I keep everything… I have my yearbooks from High School, notes from junior high school, and I keep every ticket stub from events I go to. The thing is while I look fondly back on these times and events I have no desire to relive them or recreate the experiences. So it is no surprise that when it comes to toys or other things I enjoyed as a child, while I fondly remember these items, I have no desire to have them brought back and transformed into a movie or whatever.  (Unless it involves a girl recreating the 1989 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue pose for pose, it hold a special place in my heart…and spank bank.)

In the last decade I have come to the realization that almost every single thing I enjoyed as a child has been destroyed. Let’s take a look of each love that has been destroyed.

1) Star Wars

My Fond Memories: I had almost every imaginable Star Wars toy growing up. I remember getting the Millennium Falcon for my birthday one year and totally freaking out. Also I remember the hard choice of putting battle damage stickers on my X-Wing fighter or not. Additionally I remember where I was when I saw each and every movie for the first time.

How it was ruined:

2) Transformers

My Fond Memories: Every Christmas my parents would give me a catalog from a department store and I would circle things that I wanted. We really didn’t leave near a store where I saw a lot of toys and I didn’t watch a ton of TV so I didn’t know what was out there. One year Transformers made a line of bugs that transformed, I freaked out and thought they were the greatest thing ever. In the catalog they were listed for like 8 bucks each and I thought that was a ton of money. For weeks I debated for which one to ask for and when Christmas rolled around I got all three, it absolutely blew my mind.

How it was ruined: A scantily clad Megan Fox is not able to outweigh the pure shittiness of Transformers 2. I have made no secret on my distaste for most of Michael Bay’s movies; he relies on the same shots in every movie, the same plot elements, and creates movies with the depth of a Free Credit Report television commercial. I sat through Transformers 2 the other day out of sheer boredom and I hated myself for doing it, going to the movies should never lead to shelf loathing unless it is in a porn theatre.

3) Eddie Murphy

My Fond Memories: Watching “The Best of Eddie Murphy on SNL” and “Beverly Hills Cop” being my first R rated movie.

How he was ruined: Maybe it was the trannie hooker, maybe it was the run of Disney movies, or maybe it was a drug fueled album produced by Rick James. I can’t exactly place my finger on it.

4)  Baseball

My Fond Memories: I collected baseball cards as a kid and was a walking baseball encyclopedia. This held true until I discovered breasts.

How it was ruined: Between the World Series being canceled in 1994, Barry Bonds, and the revelation that even the bats boys were shooting steroids into their asses over the last decade I kind of lost interest.

5)  GI Joe

My Fond Memories: Eventually I transitioned from Star Wars into GI Joe after buying a ton of figures at a garage sale from my neighbor. I spent hours playing with GI Joe toys with one of the kids down the street.

How it was ruined: I haven’t seen the new GI Joe movie but the reviews that are coming in aren’t very positive. Plus Marlon Wayans figures prominently in the movie. Besides a throw in roll in “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka” there isn’t a Marlon Wayans movie worth watching, even worse is the shit that he has written. Oh by the way, Marlon, fuck you for making a “Scary Movie 5”. There is a less than zero chance that this movie has any potential of being good. While I have no problem watching Sienna Miller walk around in leather and other kinky garb it isn’t enough to make me want to watch this.

The only things I have left are Construx, Bunnicula, Encyclopedia Brown books, and the A-team… well the A-Team will be destroyed in 2010.

What memory from your childhood has been ruined?

First off, let me start by saying thanks to the awesome and sexy folks at Pointless Banter for letting me be a guest blogger.  Smooch..smooch..yum.

Now, I’m a stay at home Dad. No really. And this allows me to play a part in my kid’s lives traditionally reserved for the ladies. Whatever, I’m cool with it. I guess technically I would be considered a “Work at Home Dad” since I run my own company out of my house but it’s freaking impossible to get any work done with the yelling and stomping and over-all mayhem of my two daughters. For the sake of privacy, I’ll just call them “Wingus” and “Dingus”.

This year, Dingus started Kindergarten at the school down the road. We had just moved here so this was a pretty exciting day for both of us. When we arrived at the school, I told Dingus to go play with the other kids on the playground for a minute while I scoped out the other parents. As I stood in the middle of the school grounds, I scanned the sea of parental units just waiting to dump little Logan and little Caitlin into the abyss. That’s when I noticed it. I sensed something, a presence I’ve not felt since….High School.

Cliques.

Parental Cliques, are you fucking kidding me?! There must have been Seven to Ten Mini-“Borg Collectives” filled with parents all jabbering about each other. No joke. There were all kinds, you name it…I saw it. There were the Range Rover Parents, the Ford F150 Parents, and the Hybrid car parents. Then there’s the Way to involved with the School Parents, the Nothing else matters but Sports Dads, and the Mom’s that just can’t come to grips with the fact that they are not 21 they’re 41 and should stop dressing like a whore. Now I just had to see this up close so I put on my shades and pretended to talk on my cell phone while I strolled in and out of the buzzing hives, trying desperately not to call attention to myself for fear of assimilation.

The shit that poured out of these people’s mouths blew my mind! Grown-ups talking smack about other grown-ups, their kids, the teachers…it was…let me put it this way; I wouldn’t have been surprised if a goddamn DeLorean came flying out of nowhere with Doc Brown screaming “Let’s go Marty, we gotta get back! We messed up the future and now everyone’s a giant Douche!” Seriously…for like a second there, I thought that might happen. C’mon, it would have been cool.

After several minutes passed I started to slowly back away. And that’s when I noticed something else. Out of all the parents gathered that morning, not one of them was playing with their kid. These little terrified kids, who had no clue of what the hell was going on, were just standing there staring at other little strange and bewildered faces. So I decided to do what I always did in High School. I said, Fuck it!

I took off my shades, put the cell away and chased my little Dingus around the playground until I had chest pains. I occasionally glanced over at the other parents, and noticed most of them had a look on their puss like they just smelt the most horrific fart ever produced by man. But I didn’t care. They could all take the A-train up my ass. Dingus was happy to play with her Daddy and that’s all that mattered. So I chased her around some more until I damn near puked.

Side Note: If I hear one more Mom call their son “Bud” or “Buddy” I’m going to chew my own nuts off. When I was a kid, my Mom called me Steve or on occasion, sweetie or when she was drinking, Dave.

Quizzes have been around forever on the internet to go along with donkey shows and someone shoving a nerf football into a place where it doesn’t belong. The good thing about the internet is that you can avoid things you don’t like. For example I detest thoughtful discussion on the internet so I just read inappropriate stuff all day. I detest quizzes online, I have successfully been able to avoid them for along time but now that Facebook was approximately 1,500,000,000,000 applications based on quizzes it has become impossible.

When it comes to quizzes for like ten minutes they are cute but after that they are beyond annoying. It starts out as a fun little waste of time The first time you answer the quiz for “what celebrity deformity are you?” (I hope I get Megan Fox’s club thumb!) you get hooked. You share the results with your friend. Then you do another, then you do another, and then you become a douche.

The thing about these quizzes is that your result is based usually on one single question. So the 50 part quiz you took to determine what Breakfast Club character you are was probably decided on question number three. But hey you found out that you were Brian Johnson when you thought you were a Bender that was well worth your time.

Because of this I decided to create my own Facebook quiz (which was promptly taken down by Facebook) called: “Are you a douchebag?”

The quiz was only one question:

Do you take online quizzes to share with your friends?

Answer 1: Yes, I think they are awesome my friends care what character I was in Finding Nemo.

Answer2: No they are a waste of time.

Results-

If you answered yes you got:

Congratulations you are a douchebag that spends time answering dumb questions on the internet that totally fills your friend’s Facebook page. Nobody gives a shit what Michael Jackson song you are.

If you answered no you got:

Congratulations you are not a douchebag. You don’t want to bother your friend with pointless quizzes like “What feminine hygiene product are you?” Wait a second, didn’t you actually just take a quiz to get this answer. Never mind you ARE a douchebag.

So there you have it… I created the best quiz ever on Facbook only to get it deleted.

So are you a douchebag?

Yahoo in conjunction with “Whore in Training” magazine aka Cosmopolitan offered up some advice on how to tell if the guy you are talking to is lying. Their post was entitled “Dating Advice: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Liars” which of course like all their other trash is displayed on the front page of Yahoo.

I read the list and here are the ten points without a description:

1. Their Legs Say a Lot

2. They’ll Give You Pause

3. Their Thumbs Betray Discomfort

4. They Can’t Lie in Reverse

5. They’ll Shrug at Odd Times

6. They Have Big Buts

7. Their Tongues Don’t Lie

8. They’ll Hold Your Gaze

9. They Can’t Adapt

10. They’ll Give You a Hand

Now my problem isn’t the list itself because most of these are standard run of the mill things that body language experts say are tells for lying. (Most of the physical traits are considered tells in poker or so I have read in the dozens of books I have read but can’t apply successfully.)

There are two things about this that bug me.

1) Telling women that these are all signs of lying and then having them apply it in their relationship is not only annoying but also dangerous. (“I thought he was lying because he was licking his lips and then he dumped me for asking 15,000 questions about his 12 mile run. Maybe looking back on it he was just dehydrated.”)

2) Some of the descriptions they use for the signs are typical Cosmopolitan shit stirring tips that ultimately are phrased to cause discord in a relationship.

Let’s take point number three as one example: “If he’s standing with his entire hand in his pockets — in other words, his thumbs are in, not out — he’s feeling nervous. It’s up to you to figure out why.” It is up to YOU to figure out why? If that doesn’t feed the psycho part of a women’s brain I don’t know what does. Why didn’t they follow that up with, “we suggest that you smell his penis for foreign vaginal secretions.”

My favorite example though goes with point four, “If someone is telling a story you find fishy, ask questions that force him to relate events in a different order. While a person who’s concocted a false story can tell it in a,b,c,d order, he’ll often find it almost impossible to tell it in d,c,b,a order.” Holy crap, there is nothing worse than getting grilled about something you did by a significant other be it what happened at work or a night out with the boys, the last thing I want to deal with is getting the initial round of questions and then having 15 more pop up like a quiz game to see if slip up.

Whatever happening to trusting someone and then if you begin not to trust him or her just flat out ask them a question? When did a relationship require you to be a water-boarding trained inquisitor?

Now that the entire ridiculous Michael Jackson mourning has ended I figured that we have had a few days to talk about this logically. Last week I got into a discussion/fight/debate/death threat garnering while looking at the death of Michael Jackson. Before I get into this I want to make two points clear, two points that people will fly in here and irrationally throw around when it isn’t at the heart of the discussion:

1) Michael Jackson was talented from a young age and changed music. Although he hasn’t been musically relevant in well over a decade I will still grant you that he was a game changer. He had an impact on the childhood of a lot of people in my generation. (That was meant to be serious and not a joke, right Macaulay?)

2) It is tragic when a father dies early and leaves his kids to be taken care of by their grandmother who produced such a collection of well-adjusted children. (Okay we are going away, you are going to go stay at Aunt Latoya’s for a week.)

Now with that being said we can get onto my thoughts.

When we found out the tragic news of Michael Jackson’s death on Thursday it was like everything that he did wrong had been washed away. Like the last 15 years never existed and Michael Jackson was the Michael Jackson of the 70s and 80s. Now I know people are going to drop the “well he was never convicted” card or “the accusations were baseless”. All I am going to say to that is when you pay someone twenty two million dollars so they won’t testify against you in court that is a pretty big indication that not everything is right. Mix in another half dozen accusations and well, where there is smoke there is fire. (As far as the whole “if my kid got molested I would prosecute” reaction, look at the Donte Stallworth arrest and plea bargain. People with little means can be bought and for these people justice and bettering their life is a fair tradeoff.)

This post isn’t about if Michael is guilty or not it is about OJ. He is the only personally that I can even consider close to Michael Jackson. They have so many similarities.

1) They were both black; well originally they both were black.

2) They were both epic in what they achieved. One guy redefined the running back position in the NFL and the other redefined pop music.

3) They both loved white women.  One married Nicole Brown and the other Lisa Marie Presley… I would say that both banged numerous amounts as well but… uh.

4) They both committed horribly inexcusable crimes and got off. Really this is what sets them both apart from anyone else that could enter this debate, they both “allegedly” committed some major crimes and were acquitted.

5) They both had some chemical dependency issues.

Now when OJ dies, be it by shank in prison or natural causes or in a struggle when he finally finds the real killer… will we look past the OJ of the last 15/25 years and remember him as a great football player and as Nordberg?

Of course not, we are going to look at him as a wildly talented athlete that killed the mother of his children and some waiter that got away with it.

So why aren’t we looking at Michael Jackson as a wildly talented singer that molested a few boys and got away with it? Because we should be… or we are going to have to give OJ the same honor and distinction when he finally dies.

Now I wonder if Mike Vick comes back and has a great 5 year career run if we will still look at him with the same disdain that we do now? If he could sing and dance we very well could.

Alright, I admit, you’re all clicking this thinking, “another fucking Jon and Kate bunch of Happy Horseshit…” Fine. Last one, I swear.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here on this one. The damn thing is everywhere now, and let’s face it, Jon and Kate Gosselin getting a divorce is not really “news”.

Divorce in any case is shit, throw in 8 children who know little more than having television cameras waved in their faces all the time, well, I smell years of therapy (and am secretly kicking myself in the balls for not following through with my drunken college decision one night to pursue a degree in Psychology…which I forgot about until, well, now).

I’ve read quite a few pieces on the divorce and it is the usual crapola. Kate thinks the relationship is “irreconcilable” and over, despite her onscreen berating of Jon. Jon states his disappointment publicly, all the while pouring the coal to a 23 year old honey with a size 44 bustline to match her 44 IQ. And in the mix is the Junior VietCong Army. Sad story right?

What I do find amusing in this whole sordid affair is the stance that America has taken on the issue divides right down the “sex” lines.

Women see Kate as an independent, successful woman with a set of apples for taking control of a situation most don’t understand and dealing with the adversity of having so many kids plus a husband who is a “retard”.

Men see Kate as a controlling bitch who is so out of touch with reality, is money grubbing, frigid and a beast of a cow hell bent on personal success at the cost of everyone around her.

I’ve only seen a few snippets of the show over the years and this latest clip of Kate denying her thirsty, whiny brat daughter water while sipping a drink of water in front of her.

I can’t say that I really give a shit either way. Maybe I just like seeing men and women get so bent out of shape at each other over something so asinine and ridiculous as a TV show that made two people more money than I could ever dream of simply for procreating. I mean, maybe I need to lay the pipe to a eight women, get them all pregnant and we can have TLC film me working as an port-a-john cleaner/jizz mopper while I live in a box so I can pay child support.

What do you think about these people? Or don’t you think about them at all?

The closest thing to participating in an affair that I had ever had before this situation was sleeping with a separated women when I lived in Geneseo and I don’t think that really counts. (Although it did earn me a “I bang housewives” t-shirt from a friend.) I thought long and hard about this situation, I considered what it would be like to walk in the other people’s shoes… then I realized I didn’t have to walk in their shoes so screw it. I went through with meeting her.

Saying we hit it off would be an understatement, things went really well and we started hanging out once every couple of weeks. It was an odd situation to be in because the dynamics of this sort of “relationship” were very different than anything I had experienced before.

Here are some of my observations:

1) The level of honesty is odd- I openly talked about dating and other women, which was not only acceptable it was encouraged. When you hang out with a girl you are dating you always are trying to put your best foot forward, here I didn’t have to. (Maybe I enjoy having to put forward so little effort because I am lazy… like going for days without wiping my ass… wait I mean I do…) While you are being yourself and still trying to get to know the person I don’t believe you are fully honest. With this situation I could say whatever… it was kind of refreshing.

2) There is no reason to try and impress- This ties into point number one where you are trying to continually impress. I didn’t have to. Even going out to grab something to eat it wasn’t about where we were going or the quality of place. It was about grabbing some grub before we got naked. This totally does take the romance out of it and makes the whole thing more… I don’t know… animalistic and naughty… Who doesn’t like naughty?

The pressure and the bullshit that surrounds dating was totally removed from the situation making things much more enjoyable. Maybe I am not dating the right people normally but this was a really refreshing experience.

3) Forbidden sex might be the best kind, next to conjugal visit sex- I haven’t had conjugal visit sex… So I can’t make the comparison but forbidden sex is pretty hot. That might be why so many people in the south marrying their cousins… the sex is wrong and forbidden making it great. (I am not willing to try that out anytime soon.)

Eventually the fling ended, she got divorced, we both got busy (like with life, not with each other)… But now she wants to enter the dating world and asked me to write her match.com profile for her. I said I would and should have it ready to go for next week.

Am I going to hell?

Awhile back I did a dating experiment where I tried out multiple ways to meet women and compared the different methods. On the tail end of that experiment one of the readers told me about Ashley Madison, she had been on the site for a few months and purchased an account but no longer wanted it. She did have some fun on there and some luck so she transferred me her credits and wished me the best of luck.

For those of you that don’t know Ashley Madison is basically a site set up for people that are married to look for some extra curricular action. Joining as a single male I kind of felt like a scumbag but out of respect for the experiment, the possibility of no strings attached sex, and ruining the lives of a bunch of people… well I had to do it. (It couldn’t have been any worse than adult friend finder right?)

Even their advertising makes me feel like I am going to hell.

After setting up my account per the rules of my little social experiment I started to go through the profiles. Now because people are there to cheat secrecy on the site is out of control. You can’t really browse pictures and people weren’t exactly forthcoming when filling out their information. (Which is to be expected.) The site was as pain in the ass to get around and it kind of looked like shit, I didn’t really have high hopes and logged off the site. (I guess when your site is the only one on the internet dedicated to people trying to run around behind the back of their significant other in a quest for kinky sex you kind of let your design slide. It isn’t like a regular dating site where there are hundreds of competitors.)

My account sat there for months filled out but untouched. I moved from Buffalo to Boston and continued to get updates in my inbox from the site. After living here for a while I changed my location on my profile but didn’t log back into the site for months again after that until one day when I got a notification that I had a message in my inbox.

The message was from an attractive, intelligent, women with a good sense of humor living in a loveless marriage and had two kids. It was the classic, “We’re staying together for the sake of our children” type of thing. We started to exchange some messages and the idea of us getting together was brought up. Now getting together on a normal dating site and getting together on a site designed for people to cheat on their spouses has total different connotations. The regular dating site it is all about the date, on this site it basically means we were going to be getting naked. We had a lot of chemistry in our conversation but at this point I had to think about the situation from a moral angle.

Let me break it down.

1) She is married.
Counter point: It is a loveless marriage heading nowhere. They haven’t had sex in over a year… Saying they are married is just a title at this point.

2) They have kids am I going to be a home-wrecker.
Counter point: This is obviously heading towards a divorce, the damage is done I am just playing the role of sexual relief at this point. Frankly I don’t know the other people involved so I could play the zero empathy card and just go with it.

3) Am I going to get killed by a jealous husband?
Counter point: She lives over half an hour away. By the sounds of it he potentially has something else going on or just doesn’t give a shit.

4) Am I going to go to hell for doing this?
Counter point: Look at my track record I am already screwed.

Upside: No string attached relationships, she is attractive, she is fun, we have chemistry, and there is no dating bullshit.

Downside: I could end up dead, in hell, and I could ruin the lives of an entire family causing a bunch of people to have to go to years of therapy.

There was a lot to think about. Did I have the balls to go through with it and morally could I justify it?

If you were a single person would you go through with it?