Over this next week the douche bags that bring you pointlessbanter.net are going to try to put a cap on the decade with our best of lists. Some of these lists are going to be your traditional pop culture “best of” lists and the other are going to be some personal ones from my own life. (Perhaps the top five places I passed out in or something like that.)

First of all I have to give a tip of the hat to Ryan over at the Communist Dance Party who probably put together some of the most extensive lists to wind down the decade. I could say that he gave me inspiration to write these or better yet I am totally ripping off the idea without putting in the amount of thought, research, or effort he did. (Seriously check out his top 1,000,000,000 albums of the decade. Just so you know Miley Cyrus is 999,999,945 for those of you who are wondering.) Joking aside you should take the time and check out his various lists.

So enjoy your Christmas and just know that rest of the week your asses are mine. You might get… gasp… multiple posts in a day.

Now off to the tree to see if I got an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle.

Let’s see… I have an iPod, iPhone, Bose headphones, laptop, table top and everything a grown child could want, receive and temper tantrum over. When I was a younger lad, and being one of seven (we’re brother’s and sister’ but not related), the anticipation over the Christmas gifts was unbearable. GI Joe, bikes,and the Johnny Seven OMA were just a few of Santa’s surprises’ that adorned our tree over the years’.

As our 2009 season approaches, the commercials’ inundate us constantly, and the kids’ today are certainly going to be amply rewarded for being good, economic conditions’ be damned. But, and there is always a but, the one gift that has me shivering, shaking and just damn awestruck is the one and only ZHU ZHU pet, otherwise known as the gerbil.

It is a fucking gerbil

Now I know that Adam Lambert (you know he was going to be mentioned) is at the foreskin, uh  sorry, forefront of all this gay in entertainment, and with Tiger Woods’ taking on every woman east of Hawaii, the headlines’ are just reeking of sex, sex, and more sex.   But giving your kid a gerbil for a gift is like giving the little tyke a gift certificate to Hooters’, just go and eat and watch the game… and whatever else catches’ your eyes.  Just wind it up and let it ROAM. Now if the kid takes this to school and his teacher is a distant relative of Harvey Feinstein, the wrong message will be sent to the professor and then the child ends’ up on the evening news. Give the kid a football, Wii, a stick, anything but a rodent that sooner or later will have him in therapy quicker than a Bobby Finstock orgasm ( I spoken to some of our leaders’ lady friends, and he’s nothin’   a quick minute and a good night sleep is had by all). I guess that just the gesture of giving your son this gift is appalling to my manly side.

But I should digress…..I got army men, toy gun’s, the James Bond 007 attaché case with the bullet’s coming out the side, and I turned out okay …..oops, time’s up   gotta go back to my cellblock…just be careful what you by the future sport’s heroes of this land, and ban the gerbil.    Enjoy the holidays’.

Poor Wang thought this was a hip American band.

Yesterday I was at Barnes and Noble buying one of the last few Christmas gifts on my list. When I went to check out the cashier asked if I wanted to buy a book for less fortunate children and I could select from a range of books behind the counter. Because she was attractive I of course told her I would. (It takes so little for me to piss away my money.)

When I looked behind the counter all the books that were there were shitty books that no kid in the world would want. You know like the Star Wars books not having anything to do with the series and that star characters that weren’t even in the movies. Then there were a bunch of books based off of crappy Japanese Anime, who the hell wants to read a book based off of a show that routinely butchers the english language? Even kids into that stuff wouldn’t want these books.

It dawned on me that Barnes and Noble were basically getting rid of all their shitty books through the guise of people buying something for the less fortunate. All I could think about was the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was giving the muffin stumps to a homeless shelter.

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Just because people are poor doesn’t mean they will just take whatever you give them, they have taste and an opinion.

Think about all those kids that get the Superbowl or World Series Champion t-shirts made for the team that lost. You know that somewhere out there is a kid with an Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl Champions t-shirt from last year. Yeah it might protect him from the elements but he is being totally lied to. What is more important being warm or knowing the truth? The truth I say.

Imagine growing up and all you know about sports and who wins what is based off these t-shirts. Your entire knowledge base is created off a lie, when you finally break free of being poor and make it in the real world you will become a laughing stock because every sports reference you make will be totally incorrect. You will probably lose your job because you argued that Phillies won the World Series in 2009 leading to a fight at work thus returning you to the poor house. (See it is cyclical. Giving the shit we don’t want to the poor ultimately keeps them broke.)

So I have decided to do something about this. I am not longer going to support second hand shit  that nobody wants going to the poor. Instead of giving them the crap nobody wants I am just going to give them nothing so they don’t have to suffer the indignity of all of this. We need to bond together and help them out by doing this.

Who is with me?

In the bathroom there is an automatic soap dispenser that shoots soap out when you put your hand next to the sensor just like you see in some classy bathrooms like airports and truck stops. Normally I would be all for not having to waste the extra energy in pushing down the top of the soap container to get my clean on but this machine makes me long for the days of having to pick up bar soap and scrub my hands.

You see whenever I get within four feet of it the dispenser goes off. When I go to brush my teeth and turn on the sink water the dispenser sprays soap covering the toothbrush in soap. So I decided to move it away from the sink in order to brush my teeth without soap shooting at me. It didn’t work…. When I approached the counter the dispenser went off again this time leaving a trail of soap all over. I had to use so much Kleenex to clean it up my parents are going to thing I am 15 again.

“Why is there so much Kleenex in the trash Bobby?”

“DON’T JUDGE ME… I HAVE NEEDS.”

The thing is the soap dispenser problem has grown well past me approaching the counter. I could be taking a shit with the dispenser’s back towards me and it is still shooting soap all over the bathroom.

So soap dispenser you win. I am not going to shower for the next week I am here and will poop outside. You win… This time.

Have you ever been at war with a gadget?

The events you need to know about

1) Snooki gets punched- This was the episode where the shot heard around the world was going to take place. MTV pussied out on showing the punch after using it in every single promotion they did. (Thanks Jezebel for ruining everything.) It is the equivalent of a crack dealer selling someone a tootise pop because they felt bad for dealing crack to them for the last five years. Also the event was at the end of the show with the aftermath coming two weeks from now. We had to sit through Snooki hanging out with her mother, the last thing I want to do is see Snooki as human.

2) Sammi is the psycho jealous girlfriend all men hate and Ronnie feeds the beast- The Sammi and Ronnie romance makes me think of Bennie and Joon except with more mental illness and a worse script. Sammi flips out because Ronnie danced with another girl, Ronnie was mad because she was talking to another guy. (We are both totally justified for flipping out at each other. Sweet.)  Sammi talks to Vinny, getting his five minutes of screen time, saying that she was ok in talking to another guy because Ronnie never said “she was his girl”. To Guidos that phrase is more important than a wedding ring.

After talking with Vinny she leaves the club  in a rage because she heard that Ronnie left with Jwoww. Sammi returned home and flipped out, accused him of hooking with the man eater Jwoww before having a massive fight that led to them telling each other how much the love each other before boning. Apparently the fight is foreplay, the speciality of crazy jealous girls.

The next day they went to work together and she was a head case all day. Instead of Ronnie calling her out on it he continued to lob generic compliments her way feeding the needy psycho girl beast. Nice move Ronnie nice move.

3) The Situation couldn’t get laid if he was paying for it. Pauly D and The Situation were out in full force this week bringing home three sets of girls and none of them getting anything. Lets recap the three sets of women:

Set 1- Both girls end up  in a bedroom with the guys. Pauly D’s girl is on the rag and won’t give it up. When Mike starts to search for a condom because his girl is ready and willing (or really drunk… whatever) rag girl says that they should leave. Thus cutting off the Situation from closing the deal.

Set 2- Two girls in a luxury car that MIke and Pauly D pick up on after they ditch two girls the pull from the club. They bring the girls back to the house and neither want to enter the hot tub of ill repute. (Shockingly enough the health department has not closed it down yet.) Eventually the girls that left the club with they guys show up and Pauly and Mike send the luxury car girls on their way. (FYI- The girl “the Situation” was trying to work had a boyfriend of two years. Apparently these two just wanted some sort of camera time.)

Set 3- The girl the Situation is going after is passable as human the one that Pauly gets stuck with is not plus she is annoying. (I am trying to figure out if she had track marks on her arm… what the hell were those bruises.) Pauly ditches out because he doesn’t want to jump on the hand grenade (in Situation parlance). Mike sneaks the girl off into his room before he is cock blocked by her unoccupied friend.

4) Vinny apparently lives at the house still and is featured prominently in the background like a lamp. He was referred to by Jwoww when she said that she liked to have fun and would do anything at the club including the compliment, “I’ll even grind with Vinny.”

Vinny you mom must be so proud.

5) Snooki tried to take a guy home, couldn’t find the place, and kept calling him the wrong name. Apparently he was friends with Jwoww’s previous boyfriend and called Tommy up to tell him that she was dancing with Pauly D. This led to their relationship being completely finished.

My five favorite quotes

1) “Your’e my girl.” -Ronnie

After a massive fight Ronnie says the magic words to lock up the relationship with Sammi. I’ve never uttered these words in my life and would rather propose than actually say that phrase.

2) “We smushed.” -Ronnie

Apparently this is a new term for sex, probably something that has to do with steroids, and his mass crushing her body.

3)”Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.”-Ronnie

With Tiger Woods being removed from every add imaginable I think Gatorade just found their new spokesperson.

4) I love being the center of attention- Snooki

This was said after Snooki was doing flips at a bar while wearing a dress and her thongs popping out.

5)You don’t want to do this. -Friend of potential Situation hookup partner

I think this isn’t going to the last time we heard this sentence said.

Bonus quote

It looks really dirty to me. -Snooki’s mom

She said that referring to the Jersey Shore itself but it really could apply to anything else on the show.

We now have two weeks before the next episode. I don’t know if I can handle it.

Thoughts, reactions, judgements?

Alexander the Great

When Val Kilmer and Jared Leto are featured prominently in your movie then you know that you are off to a bad start. I think this movie should just be called, “a bunch of monologues tied together that feels like it will never end”… At least it is somewhat historically accurate unlike some of Stone’s other work.

If we never had Alexander we would be ok… I mean it isn’t like anyone in America knows who the hell he is.

The Entire Women’s Suffrage Movement

How can we make the struggle for women’s right to vote interesting to the MTV generation? Make it using current music and sex it up a little bit.

I wanted to like this movie. There aren’t enough historical biopics about American female leaders so this film really was going to serve an underserved niche but by the end of it I was just shaking my head wondering what I had just watched.

Of course if we didn’t have any of these women… Well… I mean you ladies would have eventually gotten the right to vote… right?

Nixon

Except for “Frost Nixon” every movie that has Nixon in it usually hasn’t been very good. Between the heaping pile of shit that is the movie that is listed above and Oliver Stone’s movie filled with hallucinations, dreams, and fantasies Nixon movies have been awful.

If we never had Nixon there wouldn’t be a natural distrust of the presidency and people wouldn’t have more faith in the leadership on the United States. This probably would have led to the Clinton affair (s) getting swept under the rug which would have led to a Gore victory in 2000, no war in Iraq, better climate policies but probably no Obama. Plus because power historically swings every 16 years we would now be getting ready for President Jeb Bush or something like that.

Marie Antoinette

Two Kirsten Dunst movies and two Oliver Stone movies, really I don’t have a bias. I can’t blame the horribleness of this movie on Dunst it really falls on the shoulders of Coppola who should have never been cast in Godfather III and should have never been given the leeway to make films… well save for the Virgin Suicides.

The problem is if we lose out on Antoinette we lose out on the phrase, “Let them eat cake.” Which is attributed to her even though there is no real record of her saying it. So I would be willing to risk losing that phrase and hoping that in reality someone else said it just so I don’t have to sit through Coppola’s shitty film.

Babe Ruth

“Pride of the Yankees” doesn’t count as a Babe Ruth biopic. He has had three movies made about him and none of the three are very good.

This might be the biggest loss of the list, I mean we would have no home run record to be tarnished. Maris wouldn’t have had hair falling out of his head in 1961 and Hank Aaron wouldn’t have had as much of a historical impact shattering a record that we once thought was unbreakable. Of course we also wouldn’t have had Barry Bonds raping out history by cheating and destroying the game I once loved.

On the flip side John Goodman would have lost a paycheck which would have been a shame.

Which historical figures do you wish were never born so we wouldn’t have to sit through a movie about them?

Didn’t want to seem like a bitch- If she didn’t add them would the person think that she thought she was better than them because she wasn’t developmentally disabled? He could spread the word amongst his developmentally disabled friends and then she could be blacklisted from smiles, hugs, and free grocery bagging. Nobody wants to be a bitch to these people.

Didn’t want to screw with karma- Nobody wants to screw with developmentally disabled people. Between karma, the potential for burning in hell, and feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt that you treated a developmentally disabled person like shit.

Because of these two factors she added him. At that point the following events happened:

-He wrote her a message essentially saying: “Hey girl… I finished college, I have three kids, and just want to see what was up.” He then followed up with other messages combining late 90s hip hop nomenclature, internet speak, and horribly misspelled messages.

-She found out that the children were potentially from multiple mothers. Which makes me think that the entire plot of Idiocracy is true. (Not to be a jerk but this guy should not breed… ever. The fact that he has three children is frightening.)

-He sent her pieces and items from every single Facebook game in the history of mankind. (None of which she plays.) So much so that it pretty much filled up her entire news stream.

So now the question is what does she do now? I think she has one of three options.

-Hide all of his updates and respond to 1 out of every 20 messages he sends with things like- I’m really busy at work. She doesn’t come off like a bitch and doesn’t get bothered as much.

-Delete him from her page and block him. She ultimately can live with being a bitch to one person banking that he won’t care enough to tell anyone.

Those are both logical but personally I think she should go with option number three.

-Keep conversing with him and eventually go out for a beer with him. Perhaps seducing him and saying he wants to meet all the mothers of his children and kids. When they get together she can run them through various intelligence tests including “what sound do cows make” and “which item is the square” if any of the mothers or children fail the test they will be tied to the father and loaded into a homemade rocket that took years to make then launches them into the sun.

Clearly I think this last option makes the most sense.

What would you do?

Is Social Networking Breeding a New Culture Of Self-importance?

So, you’ve got 200 Facebook friends and 20 Twitter followers. You feel important – right up there, in celebrity status, alongside Tom Cruise, Pope Benedict XVI and… Susan Boyle. People seem to want to follow your every move – and you oblige by telling them when you eat breakfast, visit the toilet and wash your best pair of pants.

Then, one day, you go through your friends list and it hits you – 195 of your 200 Facebook friends are actually made up of the following:

1) Former classmates from school (who you didn’t really know because you were busy studying in the library or hiding in the janitor’s cupboard whilst they were fighting, smoking and having teenage sex behind the lockers)

2) Old work colleagues (who regularly taunted you for your unusual dress sense and over-large nose).

3) People you met once at a social occasion, but never really spoke to. You just remember their name and the fact that they like bird watching.

4) People who mistake you for someone else (well, you did put a picture of Scooby Doo as your profile photo) and then can’t be bothered to remove you when they realise you’re not who they thought you were.

Despite discovering all this, you still find yourself needing to log on to Facebook and Twitter at every available opportunity to check whether someone has written on your wall (technically, graffiti), posted a follow-up to your comment, or to see if someone has re-tweeted your earlier 140 character creation of genius. Later that day, your only real friend goes through your Twitter followers list and breaks some extra bad news to you: 18 of your 20 Twitter followers are actually just porn pedlars.

The Lives Of The Self-Important

So, why do social networking websites make people think that they must share everything with the world? Perhaps it is down to the questions that they ask: “what are you doing?” or “what’s happening?” (Twitter) or “what’s on your mind?” (Facebook). It’s a dream come true for people with over-inflated egos.

I’m amazed when people tweet that they’re sitting in traffic on the highway, washing their hair or about to go out and buy a new pair of knickers. Now, if they were about to meet Pope Benedict XVI (or Susan Boyle, I don’t mind which) and present him (or her) with the fore-mentioned pair of knickers, I would be interested (and would probably even re-tweet it to my own *tens* of ‘interested’ followers). For me, these people put the “twit” into Twitter.

When out in public, the behaviour of the self-important is extraordinary to watch. I observed one such person on Friday night. I was in a busy cocktail bar and as it got towards the end of the night, I glanced to the side of the room to observe a rather inebriated man sit down at a computer screen and log in to Facebook. You could tell he was drunk – it was a real struggle for him to locate and type each letter of his username and password. If that wasn’t a complete giveaway to his drunken state, his next action certainly was, as he got up shouted out “I’ve got my lasagne” and then proceeded to pull a small plastic bag out of his pocket (containing said lasagne) and whirl it round and round his head in celebration…

Now then, at that point I could have considered it to be a monumental moment worth sharing with the Internet world, taken out my iPhone and tweeted ‘just stood in a cocktail bar and watched a man whirl lasagne around his head”. Did I? No… damn, why didn’t I?

To conclude this rant, an idea: Perhaps Twitter should change its initial question to say: “so, what makes you think you’re so bloody interesting today?”

Maybe some should also start a list of ‘self-important people‘ (not to be confused with ’self impotent’ people – that’s a different blog post altogether), gather them all in the same place, with their computers and mobile phones, and see what happens. Forget the Hadron Collider and the Maya 2012 predictions  – this idea could really cause the destruction of the world!

By: Alastair Hazell
Nutz: Chasing The Noodle

“Oh the girls from 2girl1cup made a remake with four Japanese guys pissing on them before chopping off their heads? Saw it last week. Meh….”

Hell even Jersey Shore barely registered with me. (okay that is a lie) However I finally was sent something that kind of disturbed me. A promo for the scent of vagina in a bottle, make sure you watch the entire video. If video doesn’t load watch it here.  (I would not recommend watching it at work or in front of kids.)

There is something about the sniffing of the bicycle seat that might haunt me forever.

Donkeysosa wrote about this over two years ago. He knew it was coming; at that point they didn’t have the video, which really adds to the sales pitch. I wonder at what point did they determine that they needed a video?

James: Vulva is just not moving off the shelves like we hoped. I don’t get why people don’t want the smell of vagina around them ALL DAY?

Larry: James this product should be a hit. Maybe as marketers we aren’t doing something right. Apparently there was a lawsuit in New Jersey when we had counter girls spraying guys with it. I guess it led to some marital discord.

James: What women wouldn’t want synthetic vagina smell on her man all day?

Larry: We need a video that can convey the power of vagina. Perhaps we do something where a guy breaks into a woman’s gym locker to smell her panties.

James: I like the idea of a video but that is a desperate. I know… We get a hunk to stare at a lady working out. When she is done with the workout he sniffs the seat. I mean… I do that at the gym all the time, totally not creepy.

Larry: I’m calling a film crew immediately!

So who is ordering themselves up some vulva?

We are back for week two of what might the trashiest, mentally draining, and puke invoking show in the history of television. I gave a breakdown of the cast earlier in the week and now we are about to see their continued decline. For all you stat heads out there let me give a numerical breakdown:

7 people living in the house

4 guys

3 girls

1 Snooki

2 girls are in a relationship outside the house

2 people are in a relationship together inside the house

1 “situation”

The highlights from last night:

The show starts out with J-Woww going with the “I was so drunk last night I don’t remember what happened” defense while talking to Ronnie with Pauly D looking on. Apparently she didn’t remember molesting Pauly at all or so she says… Pauly looks like someone ran over his dog, trying to wrap his acorn sized brain around the fact that a girl didn’t remember seeing his pierced penis.

This is how Pauly sums the situation up (not the person the … ugh forget it) ‘She doesn’t want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend, and she kissed me with her tongue.’

Ron Jeremy wouldn't touch her.

Snooki wearing a hat that says “pornstar in training” comes downstairs and grabs a pickle out of the fridge and fellates/eats it in front of the guys. She says she eats them everyday and makes sure to suck all the juice out first. The guys roll around laughing at her, she doesn’t understand why. Usually I would think it was a girl trying to be coy but I honestly believe Snooki is oblivious to what is going on. If the house were on fire Snooki would be walking around bitching that “it’s so friggin’ hot in here, someone turn on the AC”.

“The Situation” is upset that Ronnie and Sammi are still hanging out or more like he is just upset he got rejected. He keeps telling Sammi at work that it won’t last, trying to plant the seed that everything is going to fall apart. It is like watching Russell on Survivor work the other players… if he had down’s syndrome.

The entire crew gets ready to go out; Angelina’s friends are up, her “boyfriend” is going to meet her out as well. Plus J-Woww’s man is up for the weekend with his friend. Vinny knowing it is a big night decides to be “classy” by wearing a purple tie out. Way to step up your game Vinny. I never got the whole idea of wearing a dress shirt and a tie with jeans it is kind of like wearing a wife beater with wing tipped shoes. (That is actually Vinny’s wedding outfit.)

Angelina’s boyfriend shows up at the club and semi tries to avoid the camera, he tells her that he has a “bad feeling about this” referring to her being living in the house. They then get in a fight and break up, about what isn’t really clear. It is then revealed that he is a married man going through a divorce, so Angelina, who is quick to throw out the whore card, is revealed to be one.

Now it makes complete sense why the guy doesn’t want to show up at the house, why he tried to semi hide from the camera at the club, and why he would get pissed when she called him at work. He is going through a divorce and he was banging her before it started, the genius basically has given his future ex wife proof that he has been cheating. Apparently he didn’t read my blog from Monday, don’t have sex with someone that is or wants to be on reality TV if you are married.

After they get home Angelina’s boyfriend calls the house and her cell and the house and her cell and the house and her cell. Ronnie answers the home phone and plays the messenger going back and forth between the two, it ends up with her boyfriend screaming at her to “get on the fucking phone”, fun for everyone in the house. (Piece of advice guys, telling a girl that is mad at you to get on the fucking phone really doesn’t endear her to you.) Mike proclaims that she is an attention whore; I’m still trying to find the right words to express how wrong those words are coming from that source.

While this is going on J-Woww is cuddling in bed with her boyfriend. He tells her that if she cheats on him that he would end it right there. In an amazing piece of strategy she says, “you would throw away the perfect girl if something like that happened?” Why doesn’t she just put Pauly’s cock in her mouth in front of her boyfriend?

For a home wrecking whore Angelina is a horrible liar when explaining why she wants to get out of work the morning after the breakup. She gets all bitchy when trying to get out of work proclaiming that she “can’t take this anymore”. What “this” is I am still trying to figure out, perhaps responsibility and one ounce of normalcy. Her boss comes to the house and she refuses to speak to him unless he comes into the bathroom where the cameras can’t shoot. Everyone is shocked by her “disrespect”.

Snooki of course rags on Angelina to the camera about how disrespectful and self centered she, this is the same person that missed the first day of work last episode. People in glass houses shouldn’t uh…

Mike uses his fingers to show what was the highest grade he completed.

Angelina decides to leave, proclaiming that she is really leaving 15 different times, nobody begs her to stay like they did Snooki. She gets into one last fight with Mike before packing up her trash bags (she doesn’t have luggage) into the car. Nobody wants here there and celebrate that she is gone.

“Angelina was like a half assed firecracker, it just fizzled out real quick, and it made a loud noise.”- Mike aka the situation

J-Woww admits to her boyfriend via the phone that she cheated and that she loves him… he promptly hangs up the phone. The conversation is never resolved but she believes that she is single. Now that she is single she is going to stop being “a nun”… If nuns act like her I wish I would have went to catholic school. Apparently nuns dry hump people at a bar, make out with people, shows their boobs off to anyone that wants to see them, and plays with pierced dick.

Snooki has a friend, which is shocking enough, who comes to visit her the following day. They decide to go out and get wasted during the afternoon, so they go to an empty boardwalk bar where her friend and her are the only two people dancing while getting laughed at by 40 year old men. Snooki says they are the hottest ones there… I guess they are by default.

Disappointing fact of the week: Mike hasn’t dropped a situation reference 38 minutes into the show. He is quickly losing his only interesting personality trait.

Ronnie and Sammi go on the same date I went on during my junior year of high school, miniature golf and go-carts except it ends with way better results for Ronnie. Sammi invites Mike to go because “they are all roommates” Mike sulks a little bit and decides to stay home. Sammi and Ronnie come back from the date and lock up the guest room to knock some boots or for the Guidos out there… play hide the salami. Mike decides the only way to cope with this news is to get hammered and try to screw Snooki’s friend. What Mike didn’t know is that a little troll was going to get in they way.

First Snooki proclaims that she felt like making out with someone that night and decides that she needs to do it with her female friend because “all guys like that”. Which I guess in some warped way is solid logic. Snooki then transitions to Mike and she explains later in an interview that she likes Mike because “he is a good guy and he has a jerkoff side” which makes him the perfect man.

I try to use my abs to draw attention away from my horrible nose.

After she moves in to kiss him again she tells mike to fuck her in the asshole. It was the most romantic moment of the week. Wait… maybe I spoke too soon.

Cut back to the guest room. After cuddling for a while round 2 is about to begin, Sammi mounts Ronnie and says, “sorry mom” out loud. Wait was she there too?

The next day they go to have a family meal together and Pauly puts charcoal in a gas grill and almost burns down the house. Apparently at 29 years old Pauly has never injested anything but red bull vodka and protein bars.

At the club that night Ronnie keeps whispering sweet things in Sammi’s ear. He tells her that he thought the shore house was the best thing that ever happened to him but really he figured out it was her… They’ve been dating for less than a week. Ronnie then starts dancing with another girl, Sammi loses her shit and starts hitting on her cop friend that just happened to be at the bar that night. Ronnie is annoyed so he leaves the bar with J-Woww, leaving us with a cliffhanger.

I'm doing my signature move

Stat update:

6 people living in the house

4 guys

2 girls

1 Snooki

0 girls are in a relationship outside the house

2 people are in a relationship together inside the house

1 “situation”

Previews for next week… Snooki gets knocked the fuck out.

Thoughts, feelings, reactions?