Blessed One,

You’re right where you need to be.

I see what you really want is to have the experience of feeling yourself, your essence. You’ve felt this with others, reflecting your essence, reflecting the divine in you, and you’re trying to see it in them. But then your divinity depends on their presence. And what you really, really want is to feel it, to feel Me, on your own. So you get angry when others reflect anything but the highest truth. You get resentful and cynical. But deep down, you know that only you can show yourself your truth. Deep down, you really only want to be with people who support the highest truth, who don’t buy into the illusion of the small Self.

What you want is to see the world through my eyes. To share your life with me and feel the gifts of living a divinely inspired life. To live in harmony with me. To feel yourself as many moments as possible. To explore the world and play. To give and receive love. To be expansive. To see how high you can soar. To live with integrity and dignity and to play “full out”, even when that means resting!

I get that what you’re wanting is compassionate truth. And reality. You’re wanting clarity. Let’s remember that it’s not even a question if you are “too much” or “not enough” or “lovable”. My questions for you are, “how open is your heart?” “how are you loving and caring for yourself?” “how much of your precious truth are you sharing in this moment?” “how much love of my boundless love are you up for letting in?”

When challenging things happen, know that I am not abandoning you. I have only love for you. Challenges are not a sign that you are “doing something wrong”. They are a sign that you are alive. They occur, partly for your growth — to open you to a new way of being or a new possibility — and partly for reasons you cannot know or understand at this moment. Know that I am completely here with you at every moment, and feel me whenever you call me in your heart. You are infinitely OK, as I have made you in my own image.

Rest in the Divine Heart,

Your Creator

The Kids in the Hall, a sketch comedy group from Canada in the 90’s had some brilliant things to say about love addiction. This sketch has stayed in my mind for twenty years–I just watched it again, and it made me laugh out loud (which is hard to do). It’s so over-the-top, but SO ARE LOVE ADDICTS. Have you ever felt this way? I totally did.

Obsessing over men was a pastime, an occupation, an anesthetic, a distraction, and a talent. I used to pride myself on my taste–that somehow my connection with them, even if it was just that I appreciated their finest qualities, enriched me. It was like, “I have obsessed about some of the hottest and most interesting men around, so I must also be incredibly hot and interesting.”  Funny.

Enjoy the video. Let yourself laugh. And if you’re fortunate enough not to understand these ladies, bless you–you’re lucky.

First off, take note that this is an advanced move–and a move that’s particular for people who tend to err toward the side of being disconnected rather than overly-connected. It’s not to be toyed with when you’re just attempting to become sexually sober–you can get yourself back into trigger-land and find yourself browsing the digital bath houses on craigslist or something if you’re not careful.

But so if you find you’re in that stale, dry state or you have been avoiding experiencing your own power and sensuality, this exploration may be for you. It’s time to start getting curious about what brings you joy. What are you passionate about? What turns you on?

The quest is for how to have your aliveness, your power, your sexuality, and also stay centered. It’s a tricky line for us to walk, and it’s different for each person. You may take yourself out dancing. You may get out to a party with a sexy dress and feel your flirtatious self. You may take a tantra class and develop a solo practice that invigorates you.

Last year, for my birthday, I took a bath in whipped cream. It was pretty hot. And I didn’t let my new boyfriend near. It was a sacred experience I wanted to give myself, and it brought all the sexy aliveness I was wanting. And you better believe I was feeling my power that day!

Read from Part 1 here.

Sometimes, however, I forget I’m a crier, and I get in this mindset that I have to keep up appearances… I go through dry spells that last weeks or months… Maybe I’m working with someone, and I think, “People don’t cry at work!” Or maybe I’m with my partner, and I think, “I shouldn’t be upset right now!” I’m not even aware I’ve bottled it up, but I have, and it feels awful. It takes an act of surrender to allow myself to feel again, to surrender to the tears.

Why surrender to the tears? Because you’re fully present when you’re allowing a full body wail. And all you’re doing is feeling and being. You’re not eating, you’re not drinking, you’re not yelling, you’re not breaking things. You’re just processing emotion. So it’s good for you and it’s good for everyone around you. As long as you do it in private. Or in the arms of a loving sister (or brother, or whatever.)

Like my acting teacher used to say, “Don’t worry about going overboard. You can always dial it back. Just see how far you can go.”

“When I find my man, my life is going to be so perfect.” None of us says this out loud, right?

Unless we’re making fun of some desperate chick who actually thinks that. But addiction to love works subtly and powerfully. It can be occurring to us right under our noses, without us even realizing it.

One of the many subtle aspects we may experience is kind of silent waiting. Waiting for someone to call or email. Waiting to make plans, small or big. Waiting for our lives to begin. Waiting to blossom. It may not strike you that you’ve been waiting until you begin to look deeper.

The purpose of identifying this addiction is to bring to awareness the subtle ways that we are not living life as fully as we possibly can. Krishna Das, a great teacher of kirtan (devotional, heart-opening singing), says, “We do this practice so we can be alive while we’re alive.” Right? Be here now!

I invite you now to write your bucket list. What would you do this week if you were about to die? What have you been putting off? Long-term or short term? Just list five things and put them on an altar or a refridgerator. You don’t even have to do them. Just allow your desire to start percolating.

When I was deep into my love addiction, there were times when I would get so upset with a situation, or myself, that I would literally start to feel the wheels in my brain spinning out, smoking coming out of my ears, daggers from my eyes, fire from my throat. There were usually several factors that contributed to the meltdown moment, including things like not getting enough sleep, not eating fabulously healthy food, or realizing I hadn’t spent time with friends in a week.

But what to do when the meltdown is in progress? I feel the most important thing is to calm the nervous system. Addictions are born, to some extent, through the cultivation of negative intensity. The worse things get, the more exciting and juicy it is, and the more “fuel” we have to really amp up how much we have been wronged. So during a meltdown in progress there are lots of things you can do:

• take deep, full breaths
• drink warm water or soothing tea
• use a flower essence like Rescue Remedy
• put on gentle music
• watch some youtube videos that make you laugh
• call a friend who is supportive and non-judgmental (but not someone who you may have any love interest with)
• say a prayer or repeat a word like “love”
• when you have calmed down enough, channel some of your intensity into a creative pursuit that expresses how you feel

When we’re single, we dream of being in a relationship. Even if it’s not conscious, we can tend to have the fantasy that, “One day, when I’m in a relationship, I won’t come home to an empty house.” or, “One day, when I’m in a relationship, my sexual needs with finally be totally fulfilled.” Yeah, right!

And when we’re partnered, we also have the grass is greener fantasy… “If I were single, I wouldn’t have to deal with another person’s emotions as well as mine. It would be so much clearer what is going on with me and how to stay peaceful.” or, “If only I were single, I could take off to Maui for Thanksgiving.” Again, yeah right! Honeys, your situation being different than it is will not make everything all better once and for all.

It’s so human to find ourselves in these sorts of fantasies, but likely, they’re covering over some emotion or feeling that wants to move through. It can be helpful at this time to just take a few minutes throughout the day and just stop everything and ask, “What feeling is wanting to come?” To put a hand on your heart and invite that hidden need to arise and ask to be met by you. Because you’re the best lover you’ll ever have.