The Panda Who Loves The Rain

ADULT*ing?

2015-09-02T11:49:00.000+08:00

Hello!!!! It is September now. I am entering the fourth month with my company. So far? Let's just say it does not make me happy, does not make me feel like I'm growing intellectually and it does not satisfy my hunger for knowledge. I am definitely not a know it all but I would love to learn and try to know it all (which is IMPOSSIBLE, I know). I am a reader. I might hate studying but I love to learn new things especially something hands-on or technical. Right now, I'm just in the office doing a very tiny research which my company is not good at. everything I learned in Uni I cant use here, because they are so "KUNO". I do not necessarily hate the place I work at but they just need to change and follow the world that never stops changing.

It is hard to land a job now with this economy so what choice do I have? Stay and let me be eaten alive in this working world or quit and do something that I love? Both options comes down to the financial issue. The first one will help me in being better financially and the latter will put me in financial risk. I'm not happy if I stay, but I'm not sure if I can survive and if my family is willing to support me. I am confused, lethargic, not happy and lost. I AM LOST in this ADULT WORLD. I might just hate it. Am I the problem? Not being thankful? I am. God, I am.

Here is what I think I'm gonna do right now. I should read more. writing this seems like a headache. The words I know deep within me, I can't remember. Maybe read more on my industry and learn from there since I cant do any technical things here because they said I am a girl. BULL!!! Just because I am a girl, does not mean I cannot do all the heavy work. This is what I wanna say, "DUDE!!!! I carry mineral boxes during my Viper Volunteer more than most of the guys. nearly non-stop until two lorries were filled (not just me la). And then we had to unload the lorries. and then we have to continue our work. I have muscles and bruises everywhere. Did I complain? No, I was proud of it. Proud of the things that I am able to do."

...and I'm Back

2015-08-05T15:19:00.002+08:00

It has been more than a year now. Life has changed a lot since my last post. I am now a Chemical Engineer graduate and currently working with a company that specialized in manufacturing of palm oil mill equipment. It has only been 2 years.

Why am I back here when I know that no one would be reading my blog? Hmmmm... because i can! Hahahahaha. Honestly, this past few months I have came across articles on the advantages and benefits of people who writes and apparently it does not matter what they wrote as long as they're "writing" (typing or whatever. *lol*). so here I am again trying to brush up writing skills again and who knows if I will get back into TRYING to write poems. Can it be called as poem? Well, whatever it is called. I miss writing and I did try doing it again but nothing seems to pop into my head. not sentences nor words. Maybe it's the technology that made me this way. To be truthful, I have not been reading much compared to how much I am playing my games on the phone. So, I blame TECHNOLOGY!!!!!

Back to my life. Since I started joining this rat race of life in the working world. It is not fun at all. All these responsibilities, networking is eating my soul little by little. It's not bad at all working. But during this time, I have also realized what I really want to do in my life. the problem is financially, my parents are not in a good shape. It okay but we could do better. For me to quit my job and do what I like seems to be unreachable. Impossible some might say.

What I really wanna do has something to do with animals. I just found out like recently that I really really love animals. It started with Life and then MooMoo. I never thought I could love both of them as much as I did. Life has departed. I cried like hell when she passed. But I have given her all I can. She was admitted to the vet clinic for more than once and I loved her for leaving me when I was KK. I know she hates me seeing her in pain. I had to give MooMoo away as I was back in KK for 5 months and I can't bring her with me and I would not have the money to put her in boarding for that long. but I tried to find her the best family for her new family and I hope she is happy now.

So, regarding the matter of me loving animals and what I really wanna do in my life. I want to work with NGOs that have a mission to save animals. I don't discriminate on any animals be it babi or anjing. because my religion teaches me to love all beings the same. And I love love LOVE dogs. And CATS!!! But we all have to start small right? I have two plans in mind right now. One that invests only on time and love and the other one with money and love and time. SPCA volunteer and saving cats, nurture them until they are oh so adorable and give up for adoption (it takes a lot of money though). Once I am stable, i would. But for now, I have to find time and courage to go to SPCA alone and start volunteering (sad story of an introvert).

WOW!!! This is quite a long entry. I didn't know that I have a lot in my mind I would want to write. While I was thinking to revisit this blog, I was contemplating because I THOUGHT I have nothing to write about. Now that I am writing, this is only the start. I have not written anything on graduating, my family, my future nephew, my uni friends, my old friends, the situation in the office, my graduation, my holidays, my plan for the future and so on... I can't even list it all down.Oh and my yoga life. The only place where my mind can go silent to focus on my practice. My mind have been very LOUD lately. Too much thinking. It is sooooooooooo hard being a grown up. I hate it!

Now I remember why I used to love writing. It is therapeutic. I only spend merely an hour for this entry yet I feel a lot lighter. Writing about the past is like walking down the memory lane. I smiled and nearly cried for this entry. Would definitely be doing this again. Maybe I should starting hitting the books again. I am going to be a bit more active in this as I still have no serious job that I need to attend to and I feel bored at the office other than helping Human Resource people with their work.

Lastly, I would like to end this entry with ALHAMDULILLAH. God knows best and I am blessed.

April 2014

2014-04-10T09:41:00.003+08:00

it has been nearly a year since i wrote something in my blog. why? im not so sure. was i busy? lazy? lost-interest? or theres just nothing worth to write up? im not sure. i dont know either. for now i think my answer would be i have no motivation to write anything. maybe? oh, well.

i miss writing. but i feel i cant write anymore. i have no motivaton, no reason and im just empty. empty. and more emptiness. its over. i need a new reason.

It's My Birthday Week!!!

2013-04-19T20:12:00.003+08:00

yes, my quarter century birthday is this weekend. i havent write anything in blog for quite some time cause i dont really have anything to talk about... until NOW!!! which was sparked by my love for my parents.

On our birthdays, everyone would wish us a happy birthday on our birthday. I dont really know how it all started. I do appreciate it a lot and the presents. but, somehow I think like *lets talk in my perspective* I dont deserve the wish and somehow we forgot how we get here. The World. its thanks to our parents. weel, they make us (doesnt really matter intentionally or unintentionally), gave birth, feed clothe, support, finance and i can go on with this infinite list but i think you get the idea. aren't we suppose to wish them, thank them and give presents to them instead??? they (and also god) gave us the perfect gift of life. i think it should be the whole way around isnt it? but it can work in both ways (i still want the presents and attention!!) or maybe we can take a time off and let them know?

Im not good with words or affection. My family knows that very very well. my mum even call me "hati batu". go figure. Im trying to work on it. at least i showed my dad what i wrote to him on this blog for father's day. even though it was months after that. still, i did it!!! *punches air* Obviously, Im still studying so I dont have the cash to buy them anything. but hopefully I can think of something nice to say or something creative to give to them. to show my appreciation and to tell them that i never forget the sacrifices they made for me. and hopefully, one day, one sweet day, I can give them what they gave me and I hope more than that.

why??? because I LOVE THEM!!!!

*no one can replace them in my life*

*my Mr and Mrs Hamed*

Why I cut my hair.

2013-02-19T13:41:00.001+08:00

I think there is always a reason why a person cuts their hair. Right? Esspecially when we are changing our hairstyle quite dramatically. For me, there is big reason why. The last time I cut my hair this short was nearly 4 years ago. I never did anything to my hair after I met a person. When I used to rwlly took care of my hair. Maybe im too comfortable with that person, because that peraon has seen me in my worst, that I no longer care how I present myself. Now, I suddenly realised that fact. Now I have a new principle in my life. Never do rhings foe aomeone ekse. Do it because it makes you happy. Do it because you want to make yourswlf. Do it because you love yourself. :) at least you can be sure that you will never dissapoint yourself. Never hurt yourself. Hoorah! Cheers to loving yourself first, before giving your love to someone else.

Basically this is my life now

2013-02-18T12:41:00.001+08:00

Too lazy to updatw with words. So, have fun assuming with the pictures :)

Rambling 21112012

2012-11-21T10:26:00.001+08:00

hellllowwww... its been awhile since i last updated things about my life. so here's a short version of my life July to November.

hmm... what is there to talk about. everything is same old same old. studies getting harder and more tiring. This is my 5th semester in Taylors. 5th!!! hahaha... my UIA friends will know what i meant by that. so, how did i ended up here updating my blog? i have no class. tho i do have a lot of stuff to do... BUT i think i owe this much to my blog. or simple, im just plain lazy to do any of my work now.

this semester's project, we have to actually design a plant. soooooo many things to do. and we are going to Gebeng, Kuantan, pahang to visit the plant that we are suppose to design. so... thats one whole of a trip to be done in one day. this week is gonna be freaking tiring for me!!! hwaaaa (T_T). finals i s in another month. im not sure how im gonna do this semester. cant quite grasp the balancing of my life yet.

BAMBAM... still have a little tinee weenie crush on him. but now we are good friends. just that sometimes he annoys the hell out of me. but most of the time, he brings a smile on my face. because he is the only person who have the guts to challange me every time he sees me. haha. might not be a good thing but i like how it is right now.

ABE... nothing. haha. simple as that. we still keep in contact but oh well, thats that. he might be useful for me in the future. who knows. its not wrong to stay friends. and i still envy his life. i wish i can live life like he did. he can say he has been at a lot of places, doing a lot of things and experiencing not all of us can. sheesh!! how did he get a good life like that. its not fair.

HIM... he is back. i dont know until when. hopefully for a long time... or maybe forever. as a friend. and thats it. he is kind of giving me the same vibe im giving him. our friendship is too good to be wasted on the mistakes we did to each other along the way. i know i miss him, when he was missing from my life for a period of time. this might be a good fresh start for us. i just hope we will not make the same mistakes. hope... hope... hoping.

other than that, same old same old. still in love with watching live bands. its like free concert!!! still have a lot of things to do.... still doing my degree.. oh but i will start my intern in January. so thats gonna be new. im not sure where yet, because i havent got the result for my applications. still have the same circle of friends, still trying to fit in with the world. and still LOVES being alone. i think thats all fro now. i have to at least do a little work. maybe my lab report or maybe update my project minutes of meeting.

have a good day and may the force be with you.

Immaturity

2012-10-29T08:41:00.000+08:00

you are never going to be matured enough
it is a part of growing up
there always a kid in you
throwing tantrums
being playful
playing games
there is only one thing that changed
while you are growing up
it is how you be immature

was throwing tantrums for toys
now for boys
was playful in a game of tag
now... just "playful" *wink*wink*
was playing board or computer games
now playing the game of love and friendship

take a step back
enjoy it like you were a kid again
forgive and forget like you were a kid
cause when you were a kid
you were innocent, straight forward and forgiving
the most you, you will ever be
doing things because you want to
not because what people want you to do
what other people want you to be
but because that is who you are.

Ramadhan al-Mubarak

2012-07-20T04:10:00.001+08:00

its here again!!! the fasting month :D i would like to wish all Muslims, happy fasting and lets all leave our "badass" self behind for a month. or maybe forever. who knows?

this month i hope for tranquility, peace and because the first week of ramadhan falls on my exam week, i hope i would be able to perform my very best on my papers. I would be spending most of the fasting month in KK until the first week of Eid. so friends in KK, lets break fast together!! :D

its gonna be a good month, like always, it is. so, again i would like to wish, happy fasting month!!! : )

*hungry?*

Taylors 04022012

2012-06-25T13:03:00.002+08:00

taylors so far.... hmmm.... if you can guess my post title, im now in my fourth semester, year 2 in 2012. haha! so far... it has been good. far much better than UIA for sure! at least i have an effort now compared to when i was in UIA. Even by forcing myself to the door of the class, i can still decide to stop and leave the door. and went out to have breakfast or go back to sleep. yes, that was how lazy and unmotivated i was.

but its not all great for me in taylors. i slipped once and got myself two Fs for my final exam. that was last semester though. regretted it. hopefully, how harder the subject's gonna be in the future, that wont happen again. it affected my CGPA big time. i dont want to graduate with low CGPA. might as well just stay in UIA and not waste my parent's money on the fees in taylors.

this semester...hmmm... its not as good as i planned it to be. i have a lot of pending work now that we're closing in to the final exams and end of semester. but, if i manage to arrange my time usefully i dont think there should be a problem. but its gonna be very very hectic! with the project, project report, pending lab experiment, assignment, test and of course the final exams. hopefully everything will at least try to fall in place.

i know somehow i have dedicated my time and money on a new obsession. which is hanging out with friends and enjoy live bands. but my friends and me have concluded, that it is a healthy obsession. i rarely drink, when i go. and i made new friends and met new people. weird, cool or just plain annoying. haha! but it was fun. and i feel alive. somehow. i dont fancy going clubbing anymore. its just a waste of money and i dont want to be that girl anymore.

looking at the girls in clubs nowadays, i cant even get myself to believe i was like that. ah.... memories. makes me laugh once in awhile. but even then i was not happy. but now, live bands. im OBSSESSED!!! but i tell you guys later more about that obsession when i have time. which i think, not anytime soon though.

back to taylors. uhmmm... what else? i have nothing. but im waiting for my class in another one hour and i have nothing to do. i'll just end here, then.

Rambling 110612

2012-06-11T18:02:00.002+08:00

my brain cant function well. i havent got enough sleep. there is something i want to blog about but i cant seem to think right now. im sitting in starbucks waiting for my cousin to finish her class. and now im just sitting here typing and typing and typing until the end of this post. im bored. and im sleepy. but if i take a nap now, for sure i dont want to wake up later. urgh~

its quite full here. this starbucks in taylors lakeside. rich people. and here i am sitting not ordering anything because im broke. and i just need some air conditioner. its too hot outside. cannot tahan already. just now i went to dr chong's class half an hour early. no one was in class. i actually dozed off for around 15 minutes. that is the first time i actually dozed off in taylors. haha.

i know im rambling. this is the ramblings of the sleep deprived. so many works to do, im confuse on where and which to start. right this moment if dying is not painful, committing suicide is not sinful and if i die the word reset to where i never existed, i would kill myself right now. right at this point. because im too sleepy. fighting this strong urge to sleep is like fighting a war. well, not really. i bet war is worst.

im sitting in starbucks, looking like crap. luckily its just taylors. i never actually dress up to class. no one interesting to dress up for. haha. and im just too lazy in the morning. AND i know i would end up looking like crap anyways by the end of the day. so why waste time and energy. i dont care what people say. they are nothing to me. i only care about what the people close to me say. why suddenly so serious? i dont know i cant control what im typing right now. i have no energy wether what im typing right now makes sense or not. annoying or not. or whatever or not. i just type and type and type.....

the song they are playing right now makes me want to sleep more. oh, damn!! and i have another 18 mins to endure while waiting for my cousin. what else should i ramble about. maybe i should ramble about the people around me. i wish i can take their picture and post it with descriptions underneath it. anyways, i saw a good looking guy just now. smells like papaya in here. starbucks makes juice??? or is this my sleep deprivation smelling? hmmm... no energy to check it out.

i am the master of my fate and destiny!! why so sudden? because im out of things to type but i need to keep on typing or else i will fall asleep and then refuse to wake up until after 2 days. owh, this not enough sleep might mean that i cant watch the eng vs french game this midnight. not fair, eyes! not fair!!!!!! mana budak ni??? i cannot tahan already ni....and i think i wrote a long crappy situation of mine that im having right now.

*this is how crappy i look like*

oh shit, i nearly dozed off. hahaha! damn~ gila sudah. i want holiday!! and i want sleep and i want my bed. oh my sweet bed. i have another 6 minutes to continue rambling. what else? hmmm.... taylor have a lot of hot chicks!! but hot guys. not much. why ah? why ah? all good looking guy tend to not go university is it? the song playing now makes me want to sleep. can i drive? or should i ask my cousin to drive. mybe i should ask her. because i cant keep my eyes open. maybe because right now my brain is imagining my bed. and i dont have enough energy to stop from thinking.

the starbucks guy is looking at me. maybe he is pissed me becxause here i am sitting inside yet not ordering anything and sit at the place where 6 people can fit. and here i am sitting alone. i dont know why, but suddenly the time traveller's wife movie suddenly popped into my mind.its so sad. how he d ied. not fair. but i like the ending that the daughter might have the same power.

life. oh life. oh life.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii aaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmm sssssssssspppppppppppaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrttttttttaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now i have the urge to pee. i wanna pee pee....!!! i think i should stop rambling. kbai!

No Answers

2012-06-02T04:16:00.000+08:00

the heart desires

the heart hates

the heart loves

the heart wants

the heart yearns

the mind says no

the mind says yes

the mind argues

the mind cant decide

the mind confused

the heart says want

the mind says need

wanting, happiness

needing, completeness

"what we want, may not be what we need"

sometimes its true

sometimes its not

how do you know?

think with the mind

feel with the heart

decide, close your eyes

and hope.....

Here's Between April & May

2012-05-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

It has been a month since my last post. Yet I feel like it was more than that. A lot of things happened. Nah, scratch that. Nothing special happened. Except that my birthday was within that time frame. Even my birthday was boring. But I would like to give credit to people who actually made an effort to care :)

To Akoy and Bala, thank you for spending time with me before my birthday, during my birthday, and after my birthday. Three days in a row. That is special to me. You are the people I love the most after my own family. Big MUAH MUAH!!!! Sorry if I made any "buruk perangai". Im extra sensitive on my birthday. The whole reason why I dont really celebrate my birthday. But you guys made it great. Also I had fun the day before my birthday with Acha, Lan and Haziq included. You guys are damn funneyh weyh! Lots of love.

*we didnt take any pictures on my birthday so im using this pictures*

To Tinanananana, Arliya and Joanna, thank you for the birthday cake. I really appreciate it. That was SO SWEET of you guys. Also for singing the birthday song which sadly, included Sean. Hahahaha!! Tina, thanks again for the card. so sweet la you the most beautiful girl! :)

To my cousin, Reen. Also thank you for the card and birthday cake. Love, love you!!! Muah!!And for being there for me.

To all who wished me on my birthday, thank you!

Other than that, hmmmm..... nothing special. same old same old. But i have a new obsession which I will further talk about it in my next blog post. Kikikiki~ :P

Content

2012-04-15T05:48:00.001+08:00

I just want to say..... that I am finally at the point where I am contented with what I have and what I am going through. Not exactly to say that I have everything I want, but rather still am happy in spite of the shit that Im having. Though now that Im thinking about it, I have everything that I want at this right moment for now. Without thinking about the future of course.

And.....*drum roll* I have finally arrive to a point of, Im not emotionally tied up to certain someone anymore. Oh yeah!! I am no longer in emotional haywire when it comes to him. I dont stalk him anymore. I dont give a rats ass who he is going out with anymore. I dont wonder about what hes doing. I dont even want to know who, what or where. I realised this when i woke up from a very good sleep that I dont feel anything anymore. I dont miss him. I dont have the urge to want to see him. I definitely dont deserve that kind of guy. Seriously. I cant deal with that.

And recently I have discovered a new side of me. The new side due to growing up. I am at a point of my life where I love growing up. Discovering new things, people and places. I have been going out, meeting a lot of strangers, trying new places, and I just look at my life in whole different angle now. Im not about to let anything bring me down. Its only April, but this year have brought a lot of changes in me both emotionally and physically.

So, my next plan. Is to go out more. Meet more new people. Take up another new hobby. Share my love for things I do with people I love. Cheers~

p/s: your lost is not mine. my gain is not yours. to be the kind of person you are. dont be a sad sad case for a man. you might be smiling, you might be laughing but your heart doesnt feel anything. and with that, you will never feel the true feeling of happiness. and because of that, youre living one big fat lie. but hey, no one knows what you feel except for yourself. So, I might be wrong. I hope you find what youre looking for in life. Just stop living life where everyone looks at you and feels sad for you. Like they say, instead of grow old gracefully, we grow up gracefully. =)

My birthday wish!!!!

2012-04-05T08:41:00.000+08:00

ATTENTION!!!! :P

My birthday is coming up. Its on the 21st of April for all you people who dont know when it is. Haha! So, here I am trying to appeal on your kindness for a birthday present! :D

I have tried asking for RM50 each from all my friends. But that didnt work out well. So Im gonna make it sweet and have nothing to do with money this year.

For my birthday this year, all Im asking for is;

I WANT A BIRTHDAY CARD!!!

I miss getting birthday cards on my birthday, and I think birthday cards is the sweetest thing you can give a person and can be kept for a long long time as a momento. So, dear friends. I want a birthday card. Not just a birthday card. I want heart warming birthday cards. Tell me who am I to you, why you love me and.... why youre thankful that I was born into this world full of hate and heartache. Hehe~ If you hate me and have nothing good to say, dont lie. Just dont give me a card. Simple. But if you love me, I want a card! So I know you love me. Ngeee~

The conclusion of this is, I want a birthday card!!! :D

Thats all. Have a great day and great month of April! Weehooo~

Confession

2012-04-02T09:34:00.000+08:00

Dear Mr SB, my happy pills.

I doubtly think that you might read this. But if you do, I know you know this post is about you. But being a coward that I am, Im gonna make the chance for you to find out that this post is for you a little bit hard, i would not post this particular post on facebook. Since I know that you're on facebook.

Anyways, according to the title of this post, this post is me confessing my feelings for you. (Im laughing while writing this!) As cliche as it may sound, I have no guts to tell you straight forward and there is alot at stake. Not only my friendship with you but also my friendship with someone dearest to me and connected to you. If I were to make a decision for myself, I wouldnt even stay friends with you nor her. But she said she needed me and she doesnt know what to do if I were to left her. Same goew to me. I dont particular need her. But having her as a close friend definitely I love. And Im left with the choice of staying as her friend which inevitably yours too. I dont want to be immature and make it hard for her or us by being a bitch and stop being friends with you. Its not that shes not important to me, that I have considered to not be friends at all. But sometimes I feel tired trying so hard to make it easy for other people without considering myself and what I have to go through. Yet, Im still around. She is important to me. Too important that I decided even if I bump into you or meet you at the same time, I would be cool about it. I love her to death. And knowing both of you were one of the highlights in my life.

Im not trying to be bitter or immature. In fact, Im trying so hard to be mature for you in making a decision. I never push you. I never question you. Even when I think I shouldnt be treated the way you treat me, I never said anything to you. Yes, sometimes I cant help myself from being mad. But I think I have every right to behave so. Im sorry that sometimes I make it hard for you. But you havent make it easier for me too. Im not trying to confess that Im in love with you . NO! Im not. So you can be relieve now. Haha. This is just me confessing that you are one of the special people in my life, who I really really really care about.

Maybe because you are the first guy I have ever let into my life. You always say that I dont tell you anything. That I have a lot of secrets. That you sometimes think that you dont know me. I never said anything, You were wrong. But I cant seem to explain to you. You might not know what is happening to my daily life. But i told you all the important things. You just dont realised it. Yet. I just wish sometimes you care more. But I know thats wishful thinking. Right now, all I want to know is who am I to you. Because I love people who love me, I like people who like me, I care about people who cares about me. I dont want you to mean a lot to me if I dont mean a lot to you. Its not fair. And I will only end up getting hurt because I have hopes and expectations from you.

Sometimes I feel like youve taken advantage of me. But then, come to think of it. You might think Im taking advantage of you too. Its so hard to tell you what I want to say. Maybe because we never even talk about us and we always assume. I assumed that being the kind of guy you are, I cant expect anything. I know that. Because I know you, and what I got myself into. It was a mistake. But I dont regret it. You taught me a lot of things. You showed alot of things and what Im feeling for you somehow made me grow up. In a way. Wether or not in a good way or bad, i dont know yet. time will tell. And the best part is you have coloured my life. Like I said this is not to confess my love to you or I want to be with you. Dont get me wrong. This is just to show you how important and significant you are to my life.

Im sorry if this is immature to you. But you have to remember, Im younger than you and you are the first person I have ever felt this way for. I think, Im allowed to be immature. Sometimes. And you know I never been in this kind of situation before. With us, it just happened. Im not someone with no feelings. Yes, maybe I am stone-hearted but I do have feelings. Im just too good on not showing it and fooling you. I have tried to not make it as a big issue. I tried hard. I told myself that this is just a phase. But its not a phase if its still there after more than 2 years would it? I know I have no rights to ask anything from you, so I wont. Im not expecting you to do anything at all.

Now that Im thinking about this post, I dont even know whats the real purpose of me doing this. Maybe I just need an outlet. Maybe I just miss how we were before. What have changed? Maybe both of us. People grow up and change. Theres nothing we can do to stop that. But if I can stop a time for us, It would be the time where you were the place I run to every time Im down. Cause with you it felt like the world doesnt matter. Im happy just to be around you and you always know how to cheer me up. The late supper. The times where your hug makes it alright. Makes me feel safe because I know you will always be there for me. The laughs, the just spending time with each other even though we dont really talk. Even only with your presence, its enough. I just miss those times.

I like you. A lot!!!!! Its just sad that, I feel like when you come and hang out with me, you did it because you have to. Not because you want to. I dont know if its true. I hope not. I only want to ask one thing from you, to be honest to me. With me, you dont have to do anything, because you feel you have to. Do it because you want to. And if you want to tell me something or have a talk but you think it might hurt me or change how things are between us, dont feel that way.. Please do tell me. I wont say things will stay the same, but I can promise you this. I would not be immature and I will respect whatever youre decision is. Even if it hurts me, I will get over it. Not right away. But with time I will. It may take some time, but I do adore you and love having you as a friend. So, I hope thats enough to make us get back to where our friendship is on balance. :)

*pandarain*

Holiday is Ending!!!!! Oh NO!

2012-03-26T19:36:00.000+08:00

my title seem to be over dramatic. haha. my holiday is 4 months long and im left with 6 days!! gonna start class next Monday. too lazy to even think of moving and going to class. but at the same time, im excited to start class!! i havent seen most of my uni friends for 4 months! even though im repeating 2 subjects, that wont put me down. hopefully i would do better.

holiday rambling
went back to sabah, spend time with friends.

balik kampung to tawau for a week, i think. i made a post for that;
Tawau, Sabah.

went to Terengganu for a day only for zarra @ sarah's wedding.

comedy club. love love love Ron Josol. check out his stand up snippet here!!!!

and most of my friday nights i spend at backyard with my friends!! thank you for sharing the same interest with me... heheehe. im pretty sure whoever end up going there, would love the place. awesome band, friendly people, i know its weird but the place actually feels homey.

all in all, this holiday is one of the best holiday i have ever had! even though i have no accomplishment at all for the 4 months. but this is what our younger years should be when we look back at our life in the future. at least for me. i will try not to remember the bad stuff in these 4 months and remember all the good times spent with family and friends. right now, im declaring my love to all my friends and family. LOVE YOU!!!! <3

Bambam 101

2012-03-05T05:48:00.000+08:00

That was the day i want to remember. the day i found myself capable of feeling that feeling. that stupid surprise. the way things started, went on and ended. with my close friends seeing the side of me they have never seen before. that day is one of the days that i will try not to forget. remember it. smile when it crosses my mind or even laugh about it.because not everyone can say that they went through the same thing. its weird how coincidence happen. in such a huge world, that moment i feel like its a small one. thank you, for i am treating it as a gift. that person have never failed to make me smile. even when it was not something that was suppose to happen. world are full of surprises. and this surprise is just what i need at this point. I am abso"fucking"lutely bambamize by you.

Rambling 101

2012-03-02T06:04:00.001+08:00

have you ever felt like crying when you see one of your friends crying? this is the first time i felt this way. when i see her crying about her life, suddenly my life flashes in my mind. how unhappy i am with my own life. the problems i have and the things that i wish i can change.

its weird how life treats you. i know god gave this test in our life because He knows that in the end we will learn something useful out of it. and like they say "what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger". but its annoying to me where i was put in a position where i cant do anything about it. or a consequences of gaining something by losing something. i know that we cant have it all. that is just selfish. but all i want is... oh well, i dont know. apparently im just a human being who doesnt know how to be grateful i think. i know theres a lot of people who have to face bigger problems than me. that is what annoys me too. this problem i have is so little and so petty that i dont think it deserve any attention. yet, this little things that matters most. urgh~

i never wanted something special or extravagant in my life. i just want it to be simple. without any dramas. but what is life without it right? i know that maybe in 10 years i would be laughing about this. and say how immature i was. but right now at this right time, i think it needs my attention. and i can no longer push it away. i have to face it and i have to talk through it. its okay if the problem is just me. but it becomes a problem when it involves someone else. especially in friendship. like the problem that i have now. i dont wanna lose a friendship so i decided to push it away. neglected it. because i know by talking something would change however we said that nothings gonna change, something always will. cuz it has been said.

but i also think in order for us not to end up hating each other is to talk about it. so there would be no assumptions and no confusions. just clarity. yes, thats the world i have been searching for. i just want clarity. i wish things can be different. yet i dont regret any of it and even whatever happens after the talk, im pretty sure i wouldnt regret it too. because it has to be done.i wish i can change one thing. but i dont regret even for a bit about it. i wish that night never happened. i think that we would be good friends. even great was possible. but if it did not happen i wouldnt have the memories that i hold on to now. the best moments i had with him. that i would always cherish even how bad things may end up, i have promised myself that whatever its is im not gonna hold on to the bad things. im gonna remember him, and smile. thats what i want.

i know i kind of rambling here, hence the title. well, its already 6am. and i havent got my sleep. thats why im talking rubbish right now. but i do mean it. every bit of it. oh, well. im out of things to say. my head hurts and i cant think anymore. so im gonna watch naruto now. morning people!!! =)

hollow

2012-02-29T01:27:00.001+08:00

i thought of you

in my sleep

in my wake.

though you're near

you're far

distant.

i miss you

just some words

meant nothing.

when i'm here

you're no where near

invisible.

these tears

not for you but

myself.

just a toy

for a short while

for fun.

that girl you

use to look for

me.

now you're gone

and i'm gone

perished.

good or bad

one way or another

just the same.

if you're happy

and you want this

i'm happy.

remember me

remember us

our memories.

IMY

My Sanctuary

2012-01-10T23:44:00.001+08:00

I'm moving to a new apartment since end of last December and now I'm in the process of moving my stuff from my old apartment that I was renting with my cousin. Hopefully by the end of this month, everything would be settled. It's fun to have my own place. Even though I stayed there only for a week and I have to come back to Sabah and all I have in that house is a mattress and a laptop, it was nice to stay at my own place. I don't feel restricted and it feels more homey. :)

*the first few things in the house*

It is so exciting to decorate and choose whatever I want to do at the house the way I want it. Even though I have to consult my cousin because she is moving in with me, but since we have nearly the same idea on how we want the house to be it was not a problem. Only the living room is ready for now except for the fact that I have not move my tv. But I love it!

*the living room*

So the next thing to do is to repair some minor stuff, move my stuff from my old place and buy a little bit of everything within my budget to make it a better place. But believe it is gonna be the most chilled out place and comfy and so home sweet home.

*at night with just my laptop, speaker and candles*

Tawau, Sabah

2012-01-07T15:54:00.000+08:00

This place is basically the place i grow up. Only until i was 13 years old before I moved with my family to Kota Kinabalu. So, since my parents and aunties are here, my dad bought me the plane ticket directly to here and since I haven't been back nearly a year, I thought it would be nice to be back home or "balik kampung".

I arrived around 10pm last night. Today woke up early had breakfast, Nasi Kuning. Must try when you're here in Tawau or Sabah basically. After breakfast we went to the family's orchard. I can't even remember when was the last time I was here. Its the fruiting season. Durians, rambutans and mangosteens.

I hate durians, by the way. But it was fun to just be there and watch them eating all the fruits and actually go and harvest some of the fruits. Plus, I miss those times where us, kids play around here. Climbing trees for the fruits or just for fun. I can't really remember all the things we've done here. But I do remember I had so much fun. :)

Who Am I?

2011-12-26T17:50:00.001+08:00

A text from an old friend is all it takes for me to stop and think. old friends have this power. to make you go back to times that you forgot have ever existed in your life. as for me, he reminds me of the old me. just one text from him. one simple text. suddenly i felt like he doesnt know anymore. what if he hates me now? what if who i turnout to be is someone he doesnt wanna be friends with anymore? then, i stopped and think. why should he feel that way? and i realised that 6 years ago, if i knew me now i would not like me. somehow along the way, i become someone that i dont want to end up to be. i know my friends would not hate me for that. everyone change, everyone grows up. but i asked myself, do i like me? i answered no. im not happy. i do things because i think its what my other friends do. its because i need to be cool maybe. or just to make other people happy. but not for myself. theres still time to change myself to be who i want to be. but when youre already doing those things as part of yoyr life its hard to stop. but i want to stop. i just need someone who knows me, KNOWS me. remind me who i was? who i can be. because right now, i dont enjoy being me. i have regrets and i dont like the reasons for me to do things. i wanna be and do what makes me happy. what makes my old friends happy. because, truly. theyre the one who knows me best. who knows what im capable of. thank you for caring, dear old friend. cant wait to be back in kk and catch up with all my friends. and family. love yous!

Same Spot

2011-10-13T11:52:00.000+08:00

No Butterflies
Not hurt, Not hurting
Cold, Frozen
No more.. The warm fuzzy feeling

Just a friend
Based on nothing
Don't know me
Don't know you
Not even wanting to know

Days go by
Months went by
Years... have been
Still here, Same spot
Tiredness sinks
Running but not moving
Not going anywhere

When will it stop?
Time to change
Time to move
To something new
To something different
As long as we're moving

Eid Mubarak

2011-09-05T10:56:00.003+08:00

It is still the first week of Syawal. We have another 3 weeks of celebration. Yet here I am updating my blog at the Starbucks Taylor's University. Yes, we start our class today after a week of holiday and the best part is we have test today!!! Yeay!! *I'm being sarcastic here*

Sitting here at Starbucks I'm actually simultaneously do what I love doing. People-watching! The group in front of me are talking loudly about architecture drawing and objectifying women/girls. There is a girl inside very vintage taking picture with her Lomo camera. This girl being annoying talking like she is all that and a pretty girl just passed me. Yes, I do look at girls too!! :D I think she's from Korea. A guy talking about everything and trying to best out all his friends. Haih~ Nothing is interesting. I'm gonna stop looking at my people.

What did I do during the holidays? Other than adding my weight and sleeping, right now I am addicted to The Sims Medieval. I like it compared to the normal Sims because this one have objectives (quests) that we have to complete. The normal Sims have no objectives or ending. It's boring.

Other than that, catch up with family, cousins and their girlfriends. That's it. I had a lot of assignments due today, which I have not even submit because I have not started on it yet. I will really soon. Like in a few hours. I have to study for my Maths test first which is at 1pm today. Good luck to me!

On Raya itself, our family celebrated with the family in KK since we did not go back to Tawau. It was pretty low key. Just 5 immediate families. And on the second day, we went to Bongawan Golf Country Club just to get a way for a day. It was nice. Monopoly dealing. =) That's it I guess. I have a pretty boring life, I know. A few things can't be written here publicly, so yeah my life is boring for you! Haha~

*Reen, Reena & me*

To end this post, I would like to wish all my friends, families, followers (hiks!), readers and anyone who is reading this, A very very Happy Hari Raya, Eid Mubarak!! Maaf zahir batin. Forgive all my mistakes that I have done whether it is intentionally or unintentionally. Halalkan all the foods and drinks and if I owe you anything, let me know and I will try to pay it back or replace it. =)