The Parenting Journey In Progress...

Taking a Blogging Break

2011-06-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog friends!

I just want to thank you for your encouragement, motivation, and inspiration over the last year of my blogging journey. It was a fantastic experiment for me as a parent and I'm so glad to have these stories and anecdotes written down to share with my children one day.

Our family is embarking on a new adventure that we're calling Family Learning. For a variety of reasons, we are planning to home school our kids and will be joining them in their educational discoveries with "the world is our classroom" as our philosophy. While we have enjoyed much growth, success, and learning in the public schools and are thankful for what we've experienced in those rich environments, we are looking forward to see where this next chapter will take us as a family. We'll be working this first year on developing ideas and strategies for what works best for us and I know that will be taking up a lot of my educational and parenting thoughts and time.

Over the years I have learned that as a mom I need to be intentional about what I am purposely spending my time doing. I'm presently in the process of experiencing God pruning things from my life and watching some things come to an end to make room for growth in other areas.

Thank you for your thoughtful emails, supportive messages, and encouraging comments. I wish for each of you to continue experiencing an exciting, challenging, and exhilarating Parenting Journey in Progress!

Sincerely,
Paula

Put Yourself in Her Shoes

2011-04-29T04:23:00.000-07:00

Our three kids were recently playing together in the basement building forts when I heard an argument begin. Up the stairs came Caroline (11) who had apparently decided to take her fort and go home. The boys were soon at the kitchen table describing how "all they had said was"...."she didn't even say what was wrong"...."geez, girls are so sensitive..."

This led into a discussion where I asked them to think about how it might feel to be the only boy in the family, how it might be different to have two sisters in the house and always have to join in their play. Not only does our daughter have two brothers, but my sister's family lives close by and the kids are all like siblings. Their family? Three boys. Typically, Caroline holds her own in the group of 5 boys, but at times I'm sure it gets frustrating. We talked a lot that day about seeing things from someone else's perspective and what it meant to "put yourself in someone else's shoes". I then left the boys alone and asked them to do what they thought might be good in this situation. This is how it works with kids - some days they may have listened to me while rolling their eyes and after shrugging and smirking at each other, headed back downstairs to play. Sometimes they surprise you. And make you laugh.

After a few minutes, I heard heavy footsteps up the stairs followed by my daughter's laughter. I went up to find the boys prancing around in their sister's shoes, telling her they were sorry for how they treated her and were trying to understand how it felt to "be in her shoes".

Of course Caroline found it funny and appreciated the effort of the point being made. It made me think about how often we forget to think of things from another person's perspective and what else might be going on in a situation. A good reminder to get outside of ourselves and see the world a little differently from time to time.

All the World's a Stage

2011-03-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

I have fond memories of being with my sisters on our front porch and rehearsing scenes from a made up play. Singing and dancing our hearts out - not for an audience but for just for the joy and art of storytelling. Doing things for the fun of it is becoming increasingly less frequent in our kids' lives as we continue to schedule more and more over their free time. Unstructured imaginative play is crucial for cognitive and social development and increases problem solving skills, builds emotional strength, and fosters creativity.

With all that in mind (and because it sounded like fun), last Christmas we ran with the idea to build a stage in our basement. I'd always wanted to turn that unfinished space into a bright, open playroom, but it never quite made the top of the financial priority list. Since it was just an open area of concrete, wood, and steel, some pretty cool guys (thank you Dad and Uncle Jim!) dreamed up a simple but super fun stage design and put the entire thing in in one day.

Aside from the silly fun our kids and their friends have down there, we noticed some immediate and lasting benefits. The kids work together to create something they've dreamed up. The amount of hours spent discussing, consulting, and compromising are unique to that environment directly below our kitchen. There's nothing quite as organic as the creative process and left alone to children, it is truly a beautiful thing to behold.

For them, this stage is not about performing or even the end product (in fact, only Grandmom and Granddad have been treated to a "show" and that's because they begged). It's not about having an audience and none of our kids have aspirations of being performing artists. It's about pure pretending and creating - things that aren't always easily accessed in today's world of high accomplishment, achievement, and electronic entertainment. I love watching them lose themselves in their imagination and cooperating in a give and take process.

In this world imagination is king. There's a wide variety of "acts" that take place on that stage. Pirate battles including fight choreography and sound effects by the boys and their cousins, dramatic poetry reading or expressive movement by middle school girls, acted out Bible stories or Shakespearean plays, original music involving ALL sort of instruments, or just improvisational comedy (yes, it's only funny to a parent). It's a place for them to be inspired, let go, and just dream.

Our stage consists of wood, black fabric (thank you Tyler), and running lights, but creating a space for kids to tell stories and use their imagination can be anything. I've seen some pretty cool homemade puppet theaters, simple sheets and blankets to create backdrops, or just big cardboard boxes available to become rocket ships or trains. There's no right way to create an environment that encourages creativity - just some space and freedom is all they need.

A lot of a child's learning can be gained through somewhat of a passive relationship between the child and the information. Allowing children to create with no boundaries and with no specific end in mind strengthens their imaginative skills and capacity to think beyond the norm. Because regardless of what they become - a banker, architect, medical professional (or maybe a pirate) - what we want is for these future community builders to think beyond limits and dream up new possibilities.

Now on with the show!

The Princess Complex

2011-02-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

Peggy Orenstein's new book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter, is causing a buzz among mothers of young girls. As a little girl all grown up and a mother of an eleven year old daughter, the "princess fever" that has reached new heights among this generation of girls intrigues me on many levels. I know it's not a new debate and mothers for years have wondered what would happen when their little girls grew up and realized life wasn't a fairy tale. My own mom actually took a marker and wrote at the end of all our fairy tales. The last page of our stories always read, "And they all lived happily ever after...with a few problems now and then." She didn't want us thinking that things were only good and right if they were perfect and that sometimes things happen and you have to work through them. I still remember going to a friend's house, reading her Cinderella storybook and thinking, Hey...where's the "problems now and then"part? The generation before us also had issues with princesses because they feared their little girls would grow up waiting for Prince Charming rather than getting out there and making something of themselves in the world. Today's generation of parents have similar princess complex anxiety but for different reasons.

Admittedly, I've never been a girly girl which is why I'm intrigued by this and find myself understanding both sides. Growing up with two sisters, my older sister lived in a pink cheerleading world, and my younger sister lived in a Barbie and Cabbage Patch one while I pretty much stayed in the middle with a blue room and interests in sports, music, and student government. I wouldn't call myself a tomboy, but I'm definitely not into manicures and matching accessories and can therefore understand the parents who refuse to buy tiaras and pom-poms. On the flip side, I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with unicorns and fairy wings, so what's a mom to do?

I think some parents are so focused on attacking the sparkly tiaras that they're missing the real problem. . It's the diva-like attitude that's accepted and even encouraged as typical girl behavior and not the color pink that's the issue. Putting yourself on a pedestal is not something I'm interested in teaching my daughter. The problem is that society thinks it's cute. Attitude t-shirts are quite the current fashion with telling sayings like, "It's all about me". Most of the Disney princess movies teach lessons about compassion, perseverance, and honesty but when someone jokingly refers to a girl as "such a princess" they're not referring to her compassion, her hard work, or her courage. It's the "I want the best and I want it now" attitude.

And while I'm a big fan of kids playing pretend in costumes, it does seem that sensuality is more prevalent in our young girls' world then when we were growing up. I have to admit I'm not sad that Club Libby Lu, the Saks inspired makeover/fashion store where girls as young as 3 were encouraged to put on glittery tube tops, tight pants, boas, and make up is closing its doors. Recently, my daughter wanted to take a tap class just for fun and we had quite a time finding a dance studio that didn't involve some kind of pageantry type recital with makeup and boas or hip hop choreography that was on the suggestive side. Ummm...no thanks. I think dance is a beautiful art form, but the fact that we had to hunt for something appropriate says something about what we're doing to our girls.

So I guess no matter what side of the princess spectrum you're on, what it comes down to is intentionality and communication. And of course, moderation is key. We definitely did not ban all things princess in our house and Caroline's room at eleven is still pink. But for every princess storybook on her bookshelf, there's a biography about a strong influential woman. Dress up clothes included fancy tea dresses as well as doctor's scrubs and astronaut suits. (Thank you Grandmom!) We're constantly talking with Caroline about character attributes and what messages you send out by the way you dress, act, and talk. Rather than avoid media, fashion, and marketing which we all know is impossible (although we did refuse to buy anything Bratz related where the doll's denim skirt rides just low enough to see the strings of her bikini underwear) our goal for her to is to critically pay attention to media messages, be observant about the attitudes girls in her world have, and be intentional about what she's putting out there. Princesses can be strong, brave, centered, and compassionate. All things we want for our daughter as she figures out who she is and how she fits into this world.

3 Ways To Be Intentional

2011-01-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

I've written before about my desire to be an intentional parent - to think more and react less. I recently heard a speaker talk about his "Whac-a-Mole" style of parenting and how he challenged himself to really slow down and think through their family's vision and mission rather than reacting to each issue when it came up. Here are 3 quick tips on being an intentional parent by Jim Mason, President and CEO of Beech Acres Parenting Center.

1. Understand how your childhood affects your parenting today.
Jim talked about sitting down with your spouse and calling out what you appreciate about the way you were raised and would like to keep as part of your parenting philosophy as well as those things that you don't want to carry over to the next generation. This isn't a deep dive (although that's healthy as well) but more of a broad look at things like: I appreciate how my parents raised us to have polite manners, or I want to avoid using external motivation and rewards.

2. Have a vision for yourself as a parent.
Jim walked us through a thought provoking exercise where our imagined grown children were making a speech and telling the audience how he/she appreciated their mom for always teaching them these three things.... He had us fill in those three things and then give examples of how we're teaching that to our kids. I agree whole heartedly with him that the best way to change your kid is to change yourself.

3. Have a vision for your child as an adult and act today in a manner that reflects the future.
A group of friends and I recently sat down and made a list of what we hoped for our kids in their adult years and then challenged ourselves on how we were specifically teaching and modeling those things. Proactive and intentional - with some accountability built in.

I find that when I'm thinking about being intentional I'm more calm, thoughtful, and yes - a better parent. Thanks Jim, for the reminder that parenting takes thought and planning and when we find ourselves playing "Whac-a-Mole" it usually means we need to take a step back and take some time to think rather than do.

Problem Solving Deficit?

2011-01-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

This post is inspired by a recent trip to an unnamed store where I attempted to purchase a pair of gloves and had a rather amusing experience.

After beginning to process my purchase at the register, the cashier stopped ringing the items up when she came across the gloves that seemed to have no price tag on them.

Teenage cashier: Oh. These have no tag.

Me: Sorry about that.

Cashier: (pause, no words)

Me: They were the only pair like it – I got them in the hat/glove section if that helps.

Cashier: Oh. (longer pause)

Me: Do you want me to go back and see if I can find a similar pair?

Cashier: I don’t know.

Me: (out of town and really needing gloves for the seriously cold weather outside). I’d

really like to buy them.

Cashier: I’m not sure what to do.

Me: (realizing she is looking to me to tell her what to do) Ummmm….is there someone you could call?

Cashier: Ok. (calls another cashier from somewhere in the store. She gets there after a few minutes)

Cashier 1: I’m not sure what to do about this.

Cashier 2: (they stare at the gloves) Hmmmm..

Really??

Cashier 1: (speaking to Cashier 2) I tried to find a product number and there isn’t one.

(Both cashier spend a few minutes punching various numbers into the register.)

Me: (sensing this will not have a short ending and trying to move things along) How about $10.00?

Cashier 1: Well, we don’t really know that’s the price.

Really????

Me: Could you call the manager and have them look up the gloves in your product list?

Cashier 2: I guess. (pause, seems to be looking to me for confirmation)

Me: That would be great.

Ten minutes later, I had my gloves (which were $9.99 by the way) but was reminded once again of the many examples I see all over the place of poor problem solving skills. Call it lack of accountability, victimization, the result of helicopter parenting…but it seems to be running rampant among our kids’ generation.

A friend of mine teaches at one of the most prestigious high schools in the city where test scores are seriously through the roof, a great school by all standards. He is passionate about exposing kids to all cultures and walks of life and organized a volunteer based field trip to a South American country. His students were teamed up with local kids of similar ages to complete group based tasks for the local community. He was blown away by how much better the local kids from the rural area were able to assemble themselves into a team, develop a plan, and accomplish their goal (and it wasn’t about being in a familiar place). He recognized the lack of problem solving and decision making skills. His story started me thinking about what we’re missing when we have very intelligent kids with great minds finding difficulty with solving problems. Of course just like anything else, kids need practice making decisions and problem solving – it isn’t just something they pick up at a certain age.

So, what’s the problem? Teachers are doing what they can - in today's world they are tied to standardized tests and curriculum standards that have become extremely score oriented. Not to mention the increase in class size in most schools and the fact that they only have so much time in the day. I think this falls more on the shoulders of us as parents. And as a parent, it’s much faster and easier to solve our kids’ problems for them. And with multiple kids…there are SO MANY problems! AND - we all know it’s frustrating to watch a child take forever to solve their problem when we knew the solution an hour ago. And don’t we always know best anyway? Even when they do solve the problem – we know the BETTER way to have figured it out. We’re all guilty of this and we’re not doing it on purpose. And we all know that sometimes kids really do need our help so it takes the effort of slowing down and seeing the difference. More typically than not, we are flying through the day REACTING to what’s going on. I’m convinced that independent problem solving builds confidence and competency so in 2011 I’m on a mission to help kids realize their problem solving potential!

Communication:

I’m a big believer in the idea that what we say to our kids impacts them greatly. Unintended messages we send them can be less than helpful and even harmful in some cases. Thinking about the times I’ve unknowingly solved my kids problems for them and realizing the unintended message I’m giving them is, “You’re not capable, I have no confidence in you and don’t expect you to be able to solve this on your own,” motivated me to be more careful about the way we teach problem solving in our house. Even just saying, “I’m sure you can solve your problem – let me know if you need help” builds confidence and assures them they can handle the things in life that come along. Of course there are times in life when a kid needs help (or adults for that matter), but wisdom comes from knowing which things you can handle on your own, when to ask for advice, and when something comes along where you actually need help. Simply asking kids if they are looking for advice or just want you to listen is a good tip I heard awhile ago. This works with all my kids and they appreciate that it’s their decision to make.

Problem solving for younger kids:

One technique for kids just learning problem solving skills is something called Limited Choices. You probably do this as a general rule of daily parenting. Simply restrict the number of choices you present to two or three and make sure the desired behavior is one of them. “You can eat your snack at the kitchen table or outside, but not in the living room. What would you like to do?” This technique is also helpful when kids are having trouble making the decisions on their own and need some guidance. You’re giving the child the independence to make the decision and can also apply natural consequences as a result.

Problem solving for older kids:

If my middle school daughter came home from school with a friend problem and I used Limited Choices, I’d give her three choices of action, she’d pick one, and that would be that. BUT – is she really learning how to solve problems on her own? At this age, she’s ready for the next step. I’ve found it’s most helpful to LISTEN (even though you know the answer!!!) and ask questions to help HER sort through her choices. Even as she speaks aloud her possible choices to solve the problem, she usually follows up a poor choice with an immediate “but that’s not a good idea”…

I’m really just helping her with the process of problem solving and decision making. At this point, rarely do I add any content to her thoughts – I’m more of a sounding board for her to think out loud.

Opportunities to practice:

When choosing extra curricular activities with our kids we look for several things, but the opportunity to practice healthy decision making and problem solving is at the top of our list. Think about the adults you put your kids on contact with, the group based scheduled activities - what is the purpose of each of them and how do they influence these ideas in your kids? Destination Imagination is a fantastic program that focuses on those skills within a world of creativity. That's just one program that has provided our family with great experiences, but there are many more out there available to your child. These can't replace your intentional parenting, but can enhance the skills you are already teaching at home and provide a healthy place to practice.

In conclusion:

Problem solving is a valuable skill that lasts throughout an entire lifetime. Don’t you love to work on a team with people who are problem solvers? Their approach is more, “Hmmm, let’s think about how we could do this” rather than, “That will never work”. All of the world’s great systems, cures, discoveries, and creations all started with a problem that needed a solution!

So, while we’ve always tried to keep this as a parenting method in the back of our minds, in 2011 – we’re going to be more intentional about helping our kids become confident problem solvers ready to take on the world’s issues. One problem at a time. Join us!

Top Ten Games

2010-11-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

We are definitely a game family. I would be embarrassed to admit how many board games we actually own - and we also enjoy making up our own from time to time (see earlier Road Rally post). Games are just such an easy way to bring everyone together for some uninterrupted family time and can guarantee laughs, cooperation, and serious competition! Since Christmas shopping is in full swing and because I found myself recommending a couple games to a friend the other day, I thought I would post the Top Ten Games in the Rakestraw household (at least for right now).

1. Anything by THINKFUN
Marketed as "addictively fun games that stretch and sharpen your mind", this game company has won several awards for advancing learning through play. Brainteasers, logic puzzles, and creative thinking drive this innovative thinking company and are just some of their super fun products. Check them out!

2. FUNGLISH
Clue givers have to use word cards to describe things for the guessers. You have helpful categories like "definitely", "sometimes", and "definitely not". Fun for both kids and grown ups and can be modified so non-readers can be guessers only. Emphasizes team work (which we always like) and provides laughs and vocabulary building.

3. CUPONK
This is one of those games you walk by in the store because you can't imagine paying $10 for a plastic cup, 2 ping pong balls, and some cards. It really is worth it. The cards describe specific tricks you must complete and how many tries you get to do it. It can be played with any number of people and is fun for little and big kids. A very popular activity at our house right now.

4. HEDBANZ
This game comes with 6 plastic headbands and simple object cards. Like the old card game, you wear a card on your headband and ask yes or no questions about what you are to try and make a guess. Everyone from our 4 year old nephew to the oldest adult loves this simple game.

5. SHAPES UP
Combining strategy and tangrams, this geometric puzzle like game is great for logical thinkers. Blockus and Rumis are similar games that are also fun.

6. MAGNETIC MOSAICS
This is a simple art activity I found in a magazine that has provided hours of calm, cooperative creating. Kids can match colors using small foam blocks to create pictures or create their own mosaic design.

7. DISNEY APPLES TO APPLES
If you enjoy Apples to Apples, this is a great version for kids - especially younger ones - as pictures are included on the cards. It stretches their minds to make comparisons and allows them the opportunity to speak thoughtfully about their reasoning.

8. IMAGINIFF
This game involves deciding who is most like a kitten or an old tennis shoe and why. Or if Dad could be a professional athlete, what would he be? Fun with your family and also a fantastic slumber party game - especially when 6th grade boys' names are written in as categories...

9. SPLIT SECOND
This is an old Parker Brothers game my husband and I revived with our kids. It's basically quick answer trivia questions, but closest/fastest wins. The kids love the quick release plastic arms that you have to flip once you write your answer down with dry erase marker. Also thrown in are random personal questions that always make for family fun.

10. THE NAME GAME
This is a made up game - not sure of the original creator - but my sister and her theater friends played it in college. It's so much fun that we play it in every setting: couples game night, family time, girls weekend, Christmas extended family....Basically, everyone writes down 10 names (we play anything goes - famous people, cartoon character, even people you know) The only rule is that at least 3 people need to know this person. Put all names in a bowl, divide into two teams, and complete 3 rounds of play. A round is complete when every name has been guessed correctly. Round 1: describe using any words except the name. Round 2: say only one word. Round 3: no words allowed (charades). Points are given for each correct guess. This game is active and hilarious!

*I know this is more than ten - but I can't post this without mentioning those great card games you can throw in your bag for long car rides or waiting for a table at a restaurant. Some of our favorites are: Cranium Zigity Tin, Blink Card Game The World's Fastest Game, There's A Moose In The House, and Zeus on the Loose.

I'd love to hear of any other great game recommendations - we look forward to adding to our collection! Enjoy many evenings by the fireplace this winter!

Life Long Learning

2010-10-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

Step into any classroom and you'll see evidence of several different types of learning going on there. Learning styles simply describe how people perceive and process information in different ways. Dr. Maria Montessori, an educational revolutionary, began using multiple approaches to instruction to cater to individual learning styles in the 1940's. The study of learning styles continues to evolve as more is discovered. There are three basic types of learning: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic and people are usually dominant in one style over the others. Kids in particular can benefit by knowing how they best acquire and master information.

Imagine a scene in a biology class. The teacher is presenting a new unit on dissection and that day's class assignment involves learning how to dissect a frog. The visual learners will want the teacher to give a demonstration, show diagrams, slides or posters. The auditory learners will best succeed by listening to the teacher talk about the process and describe what to expect. The kinesthetic learners will want to hold the scalpel, explore the body of the frog and learn as they go. If a student is not aware of their learning style and the teacher begins the lesson with any style other than theirs, they are in danger of tuning out or could assume they "don't get it. A kid who knows how they best learn may wait patiently through the verbal explanation until they get the scalpel in their hand or glance at the charts and diagrams but focus more on asking questions and listening to the verbal explanations.

Let me be clear and give my opinion now that none of this is to say kids can't learn in a style outside of their preference - in fact, it's important to strengthen the ways that don't come as easily. Most kids will be taking a standard written college entrance test at some point and they can't really ask future employers to please write their questions down in their interview because they just aren't auditory learners. This is not about providing excuses or placing blame on teachers who aren't teaching to your child's learning style. It's about helping kids to become aware of how they process information which then builds confidence and allows them to grow as life long learners.

If you and your child are armed with the knowledge of their learning style, there are simple things you can do to help your child get off on the right foot when working on homework. Auditory learners will benefit from discussing the directions before beginning an assignment and will study well with oral review or quizzing. Our 7 year old is an auditory learner and already loves to make up little songs or rhymes to remember things. He will be the high school history student who makes up a rap to remember the battles of World War II. Our older son is a visual learner and moves S.L.O.W.L.Y. because he's paying ATTENTION to details. We didn't know he was reading when he first learned because he never sounded anything out aloud. He just read. Highlighting text really helps him when studying and he hates spelling words out loud, he'd rather just look at them. Your visual learner will really grasp information from maps, charts, or diagrams. If you have a kid who likes to talk, read, or study while bouncing a ball or rocking in a chair you have a kinesthetic learner. Although most kids benefit from hands on learning, these students really need math manipulatives and alphabet magnets. Our daughter literally does handstands while reading. Weird we know, but it works for her.

As adults we have our own preferences as to how we receive or communicate information. Many times we want to teach our children in a way that makes sense to us. My friend and fabulous 2nd grade teacher, Cheryl Jacobs, offers great advice to parents helping their young kids with homework. "As parents, you need to not only know your child's learning style, but your own as well. Many an argument can be prevented if you have this information. Armed with the knowledge of both learning styles, you will be more effective working with your child on homework. Hopefully, this will lead to less arguments and tears during homework time." For both kids and adults, understanding your learning style helps you learn, reason, and communicate more effectively.

Learning styles extend beyond the classroom and are related to how you learn a new skill. A few summers ago when Darrin and I were learning how to wakeboard, our learning styles played a part in the lessons from our friends. My husband gladly listened to verbal explanations of what would happen when he was on the board while I couldn't help but tune out soon after, "Hold the rope like this..." Even watching someone else on the water wasn't super helpful - I'm a kinesthetic learner - just let me get on the board and feel out how it works.

When Caroline started middle school this year, her math teacher had the class take a learning style inventory and now sometimes teaches them in groups based on their learning strengths. What a great teacher! I'm sure she's maximized the potential of all her students.

If you don't know your learning style, take this quiz together with your child and discover how you best take in and process information. Learning is life long and we can all continue to grow in our discovery of new experiences and knowledge.

Learning style inventory

A Bug & A Wish

2010-10-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has more than one child knows that teaching kids how to speak their feelings in a constructive way is crucial to healthy sibling relationships. In my work with young girls, we talk a lot about speaking feelings, communicating needs, and validating how the other person feels.

My sister is a great "boy mom" (she has three sweet testosterone filled cuties). One of my favorite rules she had to make about their household bathroom was, "Only one person can use the toilet at a time". Use your imagination and keep in mind that one of the boys was already sitting down.

Susan found a method around communicating your needs that was "little boy accessible" called "A Bug and a Wish". Here's how it works. Say a kid is bothered by something their sibling (or friend) is doing and wants them to stop. Teaching kids to ask the person to stop the behavior is a first step, but this method encourages them to also talk about their feelings and express their needs (not always easy and natural for boys). The child might say, "It BUGs me when you take my Star Wars guys and leave them in strange places and I WISH you would ask me first if it's okay to play with them." The other person is required to acknowledge that they've heard the Bug and a Wish and respond appropriately. My sister admits that it took some training. Moving from "It BUGs me that you're stupid and I WISH you'd go away" to more acceptable statements and requests took some re-direction, positive reinforcement and just plain patience. Once the process is established, the ease of calling out a "Hey - do the Bug and a Wish!" reminder helps impending arguments to lose traction. Most boys fall into the "the fewer words the better" camp and respond well to clear, concise verbal reminders.

Of course this is not limited to boys - it also works with girls and can even help kids verbalize their needs to their parents. Actually when you think about it, this really applies to friendships, marriages, and other family relationships that thrive on honest, current, and clear communication.

So keep in mind that if you begin using this method and one day hear, "It BUGS me when you text on your cell phone while we're playing together and I WISH you would just put your phone away", your little one just might be growing in healthy relationship skills.

My sister Susan and her boys

Languages of Love

2010-09-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

There’s a well known book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages that gives great insight into how people uniquely give and receive love. It’s eye opening to learn about how you and your spouse may differ in your needs and expressions of feelings and can provide great conversations leading to growth in your relationship. There's a version of this book specifically about children and after reading it with some friends, we all discovered a little more about our kids and how best to love them in their own languages...

The author talks of "keeping your child's love tank full". We know that behavior can start to go south when our kids are tired or hungry. The same is true for an empty love tank. If kids aren't feeling connected (or loved) they tend to act out in a way that may not obviously point to their needs, but if we are in tune with their love languages it can be easier to pick up on their signals.

The five love languages defined by the authors of this book are:

1. physical touch

2. acts of service

3. gifts

4. quality time

5. words of affirmation

Sometimes the best way to get a glimpse of your child's love language is by experiencing an empty love tank. What are they needing? A kid hanging on your leg or clinging to your arm is probably has a "physical touch" love language and in need of a little tank filling.

Since love languages are the way you both give and receive love, one easy way to get insight into your child's dominant love language is to observe how they love you. Our youngest, Eric, is so dominant in the language of physical touch that I have to sometimes peel him off of me. When he's sick, hurt, or sad - his biggest comfort is kissing my neck. He's a hand holder, a snuggler, a lap sitter. He's one of the kids who flies off the bus and runs into my arms for a huge hug. His nine year brother expresses love much differently. Adam's main love language is definitely words of affirmation. He frequently looks me in the eye and says things like, "Mom, you're a great mom." Or "You know, I love the way you..." Our daughter is very much a quality time kid. She's all about conversations and experiences.

I love that God creates them so specifically that their personalities line up with the way they receive love. Eric is very hands on in general - he's all about sports and physical activity. Adam is extremely verbal- he loves to read and is one of those students that actually looks forward to going to school. Caroline loves to plan things for her friends to do and is a storyteller through many art forms - something I think goes hand in hand with experiences and quality time. Once you understand how your kids love you, it gives you a clearer picture of how they best receive love. It also explains how siblings growing up in the same family can have very different reactions to how they were raised. If you are still bothered that your parents didn't say "I love you" frequently, but your sister doesn't seem to have that baggage - it may be that your love language is words of affirmation and hers is something else. Makes for interesting adult family discussions...

Of course all kids have a blend of these languages, but usually there is one that is dominant. It doesn't mean that we don't hug Adam or tell our other kids we love them. It just helps us be intentional about their needs and observe how their love tank is doing - keeping it full makes for a happy kid and an easier time of dealing with problems that come up.

Doing Life Together

2010-09-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

After a recent conversation with a friend who was struggling with feeling isolated, I was reminded again about the intentionality it takes to be part of a real community. She's taking the step to look for ways to connect and it is a big challenge for her. I was so impressed by that and realized that for some people, it's just a natural part of the way they live. For others, it's a steep hill to climb that seems overwhelming and maybe not even worth it. There are all types of communities in our lives and benefits to each, but I believe that having other parents as friends and resources is a huge factor in our day to day journey.

A community isn't working out at a gym and seeing the same people on MWF mornings or colleagues you talk to in meetings on a regular basis. The other mom who helps you plan the classroom party may not count either. If everyone you encounter knows you to about the same level, then you probably aren't connecting deeply enough to really call it a community. I'm talking about people who know you (the real you), can challenge you by speaking truth and build you up with encouragement. It's hard enough being a parent - doing it in isolation is so much harder...

I am so grateful for a group of moms in my community who meet once a week and take time to be authentic and challenging to each other. We are all friends and our kids go to school together so we see each other often: playdates, school events, baseball games, birthday parties. But on Wednesday afternoons, we have what we call "book club" where we meet and discuss whatever parenting book we've chosen about whatever seems interesting/timely/challenging to us at the time. We sit at my kitchen table and are honest about our struggles, keep each other accountable, and have a safe place to be real..."am I helping or rescuing? Is this a life lesson or do I need to speak up? Is anyone else dealing with the stage of (insert annoying child behavioral stage here) ?" These Wednesday afternoons have bonded us in friendship (we now also include things like an annual girls weekend at the lake, frequent dinners out, and frequent phone calls and emails, but more importantly, it's a place of encouragement, support, and a safe environment to challenge our parenting practices. We help each other see the big picture, our kids have no doubt benefitted and ultimately, we know we're not alone on this journey.

As I talked with my friend about what makes our community work, I thought of these things:

1. We are intentional and place priority on getting together. Whether it's family activities or our weekly book club, we schedule it and make it happen. We all know if you wait around until things aren't busy for something to get planned, it never will.

2. We are vulnerable and authentic with each other. There's nothing worse than getting together with women who pretend to "have it all together". While the other moms at the bus stop don't need to know my biggest fears or worst habits, these women do - and because of that - they get to experience the very best things about who I am. We share ideas, tears, and frustrations, and ultimately feel a deep sense of grounded support for each other.

3. Our husbands have developed their own friendships. Not wanting to be the kind of wives who drag along their husbands on social events, we've encouraged the guys to take initiative with their own "fun". Kayaking, golf trips, brewing their own beer - these guys are all about fun with each other and their friendships have grown along with ours as families. Along with that comes relationships that are deep and provide accountability. Something that's not always easy for men.

4. We don't try to make our kids be best friends. This is a special group of friends for them - they're not necessarily all the same age or in the same friend group, but there's a special bond between them knowing how deep their parents' friendships are. No pressure to be BFF's, in fact, we've found that it's better that they aren't.

5. We accept each other for who we are. Since we are real with each other, we know each others' weaknesses. So often that is cause for gossip and self inflation, but we are committed to growing each other and living in love in spite of faults.

I'm not sure where the years will take our family or anyone else's. We still sometimes find ourselves struggling to schedule things or to be entirely vulnerable and authentic with each other. But I do know a couple of things about this community. I know that I love these women and that I am better because they are a part of my life. I know that my family is stronger, closer, and healthier because we are connected. And I know that I am passionate about helping others find their own communities where they can" do life together".

Football Fever

2010-08-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

My husband loves to find fun things to do with the kids that create memorable experiences. Our boys are almost 7 and 9 this year and pretty into playing ball. There’s usually not a day that goes by that they’re not outside with Dad playing catch of some kind, depending on the sports season. With Bengals season just around the corner, Darrin decided to take the boys to Georgetown for the Bengals training camp experience. An hour and a half from Cincinnati, the admission is free and you are just required to pay $15 per car for parking.

The guys were able to watch the Bengals players being run through a practice and then go to an autograph tent afterwards. They enjoyed discussing the specific plays and drills being done on the field and unlike a regular game at Paul Brown Stadium, they were able to get pretty close to the players. They even talked with my former college gymnastics strength and conditioning coach that is now on staff with Cincinnati football - which scored me some “cool points” since I don’t always follow their very detailed sports conversations.

Camp is usually held each year at the beginning of August – if you have football fans in your house you should definitely check it out!

Strength & Weakness

2010-08-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

I believe that we are intentionally and intricately designed. That our given strengths and gifts can also play into our weaknesses – simply because we are human. In learning about myself and how I am created, I continue to uncover areas of vulnerability that I need to develop and strengthen as I grow. Guiding kids along this self-discovery can help them figure out a little more about who they are designed to be.

A certain strength has related weakness. For example, a child who is naturally compassionate has the strength of instinctively caring about others and being concerned for their well being but may struggle with making their own choices and could find themselves being persuaded to do things because they want people to be happy. Or a child with leadership gifts has the strength of being so visionary and motivated that he sometimes forgets to consider the feelings or opinions of others. Understanding this relationship allows us to celebrate our strengths and challenge our weaknesses. The very things that drive us crazy about our kids are really just undeveloped characteristics of their strengths. Our kids are who they are and it’s our job to help them discover and guide them in their journey of growth, however I was recently reminded that this discovery and guidance is not just up to us...

Our middle son, Adam, falls into the camp of having leadership gifts. When he was four and jealous of his six year old sister’s friendship with another little girl at the park, he organized a rally of six or seven boys, most of them older than him and none of them he knew. Adam had them sitting under the monkey bars while he paced back and forth giving instructions….”We will NOT accept a girls only policy at this playground!” Needless to say, I was pretty embarrassed once I realized what was going on, scooped up my kids, and made a hasty exit. Was he concerned about my embarrassment? His sister’s feelings? What the other parents must think? No. But did he organize, motivate, and instruct a group successfully? Yes. There are obvious weaknesses to this strength and we talk about them with Adam all the time. We pray about them – both with him and on our own. We look for teachable moments. We get counsel from other parents. In short, it’s a big topic of discussion around parenting this child.

Adam, who is now 9, recently attended a faith based camp called Springhill in Loveland. (I would highly recommend it – a great combination of super fun activities and age appropriate yet challenging curriculum.) At the end of the week, they had a parent celebration where they called the kids up one by one and the counselors gave each camper a character trait of Jesus that they had noticed throughout the week. They called that trait out in them, gave examples of what they had seen, and read them a specific verse about that trait. While the counselors were talking, the child standing with them stood a little taller and seemed to gain confidence and assurance in who they were. It was, without a doubt, one of the coolest things I’ve seen done with kids. I was in tears watching this after the 2^nd kid and thinking about what this was doing for them. Before Adam’s turn came, I thought about what his counselors might say about him. I wasn’t going to be shocked if it was leadership (sometimes a nice way to say that he can be bossy) or wisdom (he has a lot of information in that brain), but I was in no way prepared for what they said when he was called up to the front.

When Adam’s turn came, his counselors gave him the character trait of “unselfishness”. What?? They gave examples of how they saw it played out during the week and pointed to Phillipians 2:3-5 which he has since memorized.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.

He was beaming and no other trait could have meant more to him in this time in his life. Something he has been working on, praying about, and seeking wisdom around – these two college aged girls who didn’t know him saw enough unselfishness in him to call it out.

I know it was a big deal to Adam. He talked about it later with us and took great care in finding and highlighting the verse in his bible. But I think at this time, it meant even more to us as parents. It felt like God was saying, “Hey, I’m in this too - it isn’t all up to you. Remember? I know what he needs to grow - I created him.”

I know that verse will be part of who Adam is as he grows up. I know he will continue to discover strengths and uncover weaknesses as he grows into the man God has created him to be. I want to not get in the way of that. I want to be thankful for the way each of my children are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and joyfully watch how God develops them.

Road Rally Fun

2010-08-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

My sisters and I grew up in a family with parents who frequently planned activities for their friends that were just about fun. They had a close community of family friends that lasts to this day so it’s only natural that we’ve adopted a similar lifestyle and love to host events where the purpose is just enjoyment. One of my parents' made up events was something they called a Road Rally. This weekend we, along with my sister’s family, hosted our own first annual Rakestraw/Jung Road Rally.

Similar to The Amazing Race, we created a course through Cincinnati that included 10 road blocks. Ten pages of rhyming clues led them through the race, finishing at a park shelter where we had a big family party. Cars were sent off 4 minutes apart from the starting line and scored according to time, mileage, and the completion of checkpoints. We wanted this to be a family event so clues included everything from 90’s movie references to Webkinz characters and sports and history trivia. Parents needed their kids and kids needed their parents...

Roadblocks included riding on the bike path, climbing inside a tree, performing a family “scene” with goofy hats (complete with a “director”, thanks Susan!), assembling a Lego car, and identifying states and capitals on a map. Families ranged from “in it to win it” to just out for a fun activity, but we think everyone had a good time. Only one team broke open the wax sealed envelope to reveal the finish line and only one team got completely lost and came hours later after driving 80 miles! They had a great attitude though and provided a spectacular example of losing graciously. There are many funny stories from the 50+ participants and we’re already talking about next year.

We’re still smiling two days later and the whole day just made us thankful for having such willing friends (who sign up for our crazy ideas!) and reminded me why God wants us to be part of a community of friends. They grow and challenge us, provide us with support and encouragement, and sometimes - they're just all about FUN!

Finally, I can’t end without naming the 2010 Road Rally winning team: Bill, Nicole, Zoe, Dan, Anita, and Talia. Congratulations!!! Thanks everyone – can’t wait for next year!

Family With a Purpose

2010-06-14T05:19:00.000-07:00

Years ago, Darrin and I were a young couple just starting out and were hoping to have a family sometime in the near future. One summer we were touring a house and noticed a frame on a stairway wall containing a “family mission statement”. It was beautiful language around what made their family unique and we agreed that it was something we’d like to incorporate into our future family. We sort of forgot about it once the kids actually started arriving when things like laundry, sleep, and basic survival took over.

It wasn't until I recently read a book by Patrick Lencioni, the well known author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, that I was reminded about the family mission statement idea...

Lencioni, who runs a consulting firm specializing in executive team development and organizational health told his wife that if families were run more like businesses, they’d be much better off. His wife (who was home with their three young children) scoffed at the idea until he explained that businesses have mission statements and pay close attention to daily processes and goals fitting into that statement. Being a coach and teacher, I love learning about team dynamics, relationship building, and organizational structure. I picked up and thoroughly enjoyed his book called The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family.

When beginning any project, these questions are typically asked. What's important? Where do we want to go? What are the rules, systems, and processes that will get us there? This idea and way of thinking really does translate to family. Ever find yourself in the "reactive" pattern of parenting? What if there was another way of purposefully laying out our plan?

Every family is unique and has different purposes, goals, and dreams. If we spend a few minutes thinking about it, we all know want we want for our families. What’s important? What do we want our kids to be learning and experiencing? How do we know what things are worth sacrificing and how our time should be best spent? Just like in any company, rules and systems make more sense when they are directly tied to missions and objectives. Our family started thinking about this - why do we plan monthly fun activities with the families in our neighborhood? Because we want to be the kind of family who loves their community around them. Why do we attend church regularly and are connected to groups that push us to spiritually grow? Because our faith is a critical center of who we are. Actually, from this thinking we determined the two words that we want our family to be about: love and growth.

Having your family purpose defined also helps with the decisions to be made around the ever increasing opportunities for various activities. Lencioni writes that family mission statements can drive priorities which make it easier and more clear to decide what things to take on and what to lose. For us, it might be - does this activity grow me? Is it about loving someone? If one of your family priorities is to spend quality time together, you can put that against the time that will be spent doing a prospective individual activity and make the decision with intent and purpose.

This past year, the five of us sat down and created our family contract together. It includes a mission statement that describes who we are and what makes our family unique. Then, we had the kids set long term goals and discussed short term objectives that may change our priorities and decisions to participate in activities. Lastly, we discovered a surprise bonus when the discussion turned to behaviors that were keeping us from being the family we want to be and how to grow in those areas. Sensing an opportunity, we encouraged the kids to come up with their own regular consequences for when those behaviors occurred (and then Mom and Dad added a few). We did this one Saturday night while we were having dinner at a restaurant and became so focused on the project that our server asked later...."What in the world were you guys doing???" It was created on the back of kids' menus with crayons, but we soon typed it up and it now lives on the side of the frig in the kitchen.

I've shared this with several friends and they have created versions of their own (because every family is unique!) and I've loved hearing the stories of how it has positively affected them - from behavior to goal setting to just having the discussion around what is important to them. I love how Lencioni says it... "I'm not suggesting that families can ever prevent or eliminate chaos and confusion completely from their lives. As long as there are sleep-overs and in-laws and book reports and Little League games and proms and college applications and weddings to deal with, we will have unpredictability and craziness in our homes. And that's a good thing, because complete control - even if it were possible - would not be desirable. Life should be an adventure. However, if we could achieve a little more sanity in the midst of that adventure, and transform our stressful, reactive, frantic families into more peaceful, proactive, and intentional ones, wouldn't that be worth doing?" This book is worth the read and provokes us to answer some important questions about our families.

The Rakestraw Family Contract

(Who we are) Our family is centered around our faith, loving our community and the people in it, and having quality time together. We believe in seeking out opportunities to learn and be creative, and are passionate about and emotionally invested in everything we do.

(How we live) We treat each other with respect and kindness. We have the right to state and back up our opinion, but accept the family’s decision and will contribute in a positive way. We allow room for mistakes and are accountable to each other for our personal
and spiritual growth.

Sibling Love

2010-05-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

This post is for my friend, Alli, who helped me start this blog. Alli has three adorable children ages 4 and under. We’ve been there (our oldest’s 4^th birthday was days after our third child’s birth) and while the first few years were physically challenging (I still appreciate and am grateful for a good night’s sleep and still value the day when I realized everyone could put on their own coat and tie their own shoes - wait, we can just walk out the door…now??) the present days are giving me glimpses of that unique bond siblings have when growing up very close together and realize just how special it is. Yes they still drive each other crazy and sometimes for their own safety need to be separated, but there are moments that definitely make those sleepless nights feel very far away and make me so thankful for a house full of chaos...

I have friends whose kids are many years apart and their parents love having built in alone time with each child and the divison of stages. So, as always, there are highs and lows to be found on either side but here are a few benefits we’ve experienced in a household with close aged kids.

1. Enjoying things together

It seems that whatever phase we move through, we experience together as a family. We can go to the zoo, amusement parks, museums, hiking, biking, and enjoy the same activities instead of running one kid to one age appropriate thing and the other somewhere else. They genuinely enjoy doing these experiences together and generate ideas on things they’d like to try.

2. Being part of a school family

Having all 3 kids in the same elementary school absolutely creates a sense of security. They know all the same teachers, other kids, and have the same family events. School happenings are a family affair – we go to the art show, music concerts, family sports nights, field day, whatever – they have separate activities and interests, but it still feels being part of a school family.

3. Silliness, being themselves

Because they are so close together in age, there’s no pretense of impressing each other or each others’ friends. They have inside jokes that are of course HILARIOUS (to them) and it creates a bond that is immeasurable even at this young age. They are a safe place for each other to express their personalities and even their closest friends don't invite that type of intimacy. They can go for hours playing a game they made up and even have a secret language that only the three of them can understand.

4. Common friends

When your siblings have friends that are just a year or two older or younger than yourself and your own friends, it makes for a great party. It’s not uncommon for us to have 7-8 kids in the house all playing together. Yes, it’s noisy here. But tons of fun! It's also a great time to vacation together with other families.

6. Working together to accomlish a goal

We do a lot of whole family activities together, but something that’s precious to see and inspiring to witness is when there’s a clear goal in mind that they need each other to accomplish- especially when it’s independent of parental involvement. They are familiar with each other's skills and strengths and are an incredible work group working on a mission (when it's something they want to do of course). Experimenting with leadership, group think, brainstorming, and execution truly is best when kids are among their peers. Whether it’s building a fort, writing a play, creating a game – they thrive on kid initiated ideas and forward group progress.

7. Conflict resolution skills

Some may describe it as arguing, but we like to believe that what they are actually learning in a loving relationship is how to resolve conflict in a variety of situations. Ok, in the moment those are the times when I most want to throw things, but I try to remind myself of the skills they are learning in a safe environment. We recently have been working with our youngest on speaking his feelings to his older brother when he’s frustrated. They spend SO much time together and obviously can get on each other’s nerves frequently – especially when the oldest bosses him around as he tends to do. We had some friends over one night and were in the other room having dinner when we heard the boys start to argue. Their voices escalated, then we heard Eric say, “Well, you just make me so FRUSTRATED and IRRITATED when you do that and I’m just TELLING you how I feel” (we all give silent cheers) he continues, “So, stop doing that, you DUMMY!” (oh, so close). Imagine if all their trials of conflict resolution were done with people outside of the family. It might be more confusing, difficult, and downright painful. It’s much easier to learn to speak your feelings and compromise with respect to someone who loves you and has your back.

8. Accountability

One of the most challenging and intimidating things in life is learning how to have difficult conversations. You may notice something in a friend’s life that may be harmful but you don’t know how to speak the truth in love to them. You've messed up and hurt someone's feelings but can't bring yourself to have a face to face talk about it. Siblings close together in age get practice having those conversations in a safe environment. A few years ago our church went through a spiritual journey on being “Consumed” whether it be by money, pride, stuff, image…anything that takes your focus off of God. We usually take the journey and expand on it as a family. The elements become part of our vocabulary and the kids can really get it on their level. One day, our then 7 year old opted to stay in his room for hours instead of going outside to play (after days of doing building projects) and his brother told him. “Dude, you’re like consumed with legos. You may want to think about that.” Funny, but true. He really needed to look around and evaluate what kind of balance he had in his life. His 5 year old brother was able to challenge him on something that adults have a hard time recognizing in their own lives.

9. Unconditional love and support

Of course we love our kids fiercely and support them in whatever they do. But remember when you got to the point in your young life when you realized, “Of course you think that, you’re my Mom/Dad.” There’s something about a sibling believing in you and cheering you on in life that reaches the deepest part of your heart and makes you believe in yourself with fierce certainty. Watching them jump up and down when Eric's on the soccer field, or gathering around the piano to hear Caroline’s newest song, or hearing them tell Adam he’s going to build a famous building someday gives me a glimpse of the future when Darrin and I are gone and they are providing each other with complete support, authentic accountability, and unconditional love.

Of course the grass is always greener and I am envious of families who have older ones who can babysit their siblings or have built in alone time with each child just due to the spacing. Each family dynamic is different and we’ve definitely experienced the need to establish some routines to help them develop as individuals and get time alone with parents. Dad takes them alone to breakfast every Saturday morning on a rotation and just has quiet time to talk about what’s going on in their life. We encourage them to choose different activitites to discover their own passions and gifts avoid sibling competition. We are careful to look for signs of “too much togetherness” and provide alone conversation time whenever we can. But when it comes down to it, we are so thankful for the way God planned our family to be and are truly enjoying the years of growing up together.

So, if you just found out that you are pregnant with your second child before you thought you were ready, or if you're drowning in a sea of diapers, onesies, and sippy cups - take this as encouragement. Those sweet moments you catch a glimpse of when everyone is bathed, fed, clean, and happy will just keep getting sweeter.

Failure IS an option

2010-05-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Everyone I know wants their kids to do well in school and have a successful experience. We want the best for our kids and aspire to teach them to be responsible, independent, productive students. We all know the cliches about "learning more from failure than success" and the stories of people like Michael Jordan being cut from his high school basketball team, but when it comes down to it we continue to rescue our kids and rob them of the daily lessons that teach them the very essence of responsibility, independence, and productivity.

When I taught middle schoolers, I could easily recognize those students who had been "rescued" throughout their elementary school years...

We know this is not our educational journey. But still we go back and pick up forgotten books at school, nag them to study for tests, and make sure they're following a long term timeline for a project - all to the tune of being a good parent. By the time they get to the upper grades when they need to be academically independent they haven't learned the necessary skills. Helping them come up with strategies to better organize their time, study more efficiently, remembering assignments - after they discover what works and doesn't work for them - that's much more long term effective than rescuing them from the (safe) failure in the first place. We tell ourselves that we're saving them from stress, sadness, low self esteem, you name it - but actually the message we send them when we rescue is, "you can't do this on your own". Walk in most elementary schools and you will see the front office desk littered with lunch boxes, homework assignments, and other forgotten items. Time Magazine published a terrific article about overparenting:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395,00.html

I loved reading about the principal who initiated a "no drop off" policy at her school. She realized it had become a big problem when a parent brought a necklace to school that her daughter forgot because it coordinated her outfit. Most of us would agree that is ridiculous, but we should examine our own patterns to see what kind of rescuing might be taking place.

A warning - freeing yourself from this is both uncomfortable and can be embarrassing. And, it's a process, not a magic wand fix. My 3rd grader once went to school for the day without his entire backpack. Honestly, I'm not even sure how that can happen - what else do you carry in 3rd grade??? Even more embarrassing - I didn't notice when I watched him get on the bus that morning! His teacher called to tell me that she was impressed that he:

A. didn't freak out about it

B. didn't expect anyone to bring it (no I didn't bring it to the school when I realized it was sitting on the counter).

C. figured out a way to deal with it for the day (borrowed a pencil and some paper from friends and made a make-shift take home folder)

And of course we worked together on a sort of mental checklist for him when he leaves the house (a great life skill for those types of folks who do things like lock their keys in the car...okay, okay it's hereditary). Now it's just a funny story that reminds him to think about things more carefully and also a healthy reminder that people make mistakes and can figure out solutions to their own problems when they do. We have to continually remind ourselves that their academic success or failure is not a reflection of us and check our motivation - do we want them to turn in their homework all the time so we look like a good parent or is it more important that they learn NOW what the consequences are when you don't do your work. We don't want our kids to go through life expecting to be rescued. We want them to be independent problem solvers. What safer environment than elementary school for them to be learning how to do that?

Family Time

2010-04-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

Community is an important part of what makes our family who we are. Darrin and I believe that God wires us for community, and we live in such a way that friendship and extended family play an active role in our lives. We give those relationships priority and focus. We get together regularly with other families and plan weekend trips together with all of our kids. Our house has an open front door that many people use regularly and we like it that way. We’re also both very close to our families and vacation with both sides each year. There are bonds that are strengthened and deepened with every trip.

We wouldn’t trade any of these relationships for anything and feel there are immeasurable ways both we and our children benefit, but as the kids began to get older and busier, we realized we needed to create some protective boundaries around our family time - those times spent together with just the five of us. We are intentional about camping trips or other weekends away that just involve us, but we wanted to set up something consistent and lasting that would build into our family priorities of quality time together.

One night a week is “Family Night” at our house. No school or sports activities, phone calls, email, visitors, or other distractions...

We have a rotating schedule allowing one person each week to choose the dinner menu and family activity. We have to be flexible (it’s been Tuesdays this year until baseball season started and have now switched to Mondays), but we have to be commited (we’ve had to turn down a few things we otherwise would have done). Board games, going on a bike ride, putting on a play, baking, and playing football are a few of the activities that have been chosen this year. One week when it was Caroline’s turn, she wanted us to all bring books and blankets into the family room and read together. There were a few whines and groans (mostly from my husband who I think may have dozed off) but it was such a relaxing and enjoyable evening for everyone. Another memorable one was when Eric set up “stations” in the backyard for us to complete together – made up of random left over outside toys found abandoned in the corner of the garage. It’s nothing spectacular or grand. Nothing requires detailed planning. It’s a game of basketball in the driveway or playing charades on the back deck. Sometimes it’s not even successful (paper mache night was not my favorite). It’s the regular, consistent expectation that makes it special and we hope will set a precedent for how important we feel it is to stay connected. We know the activities will change as the years go by and we'll likely get eye rolling instead of cheers when it’s their turn, but we like establishing a consistent, expected pattern that will hopefully grow and strengthen our own immediate family.

As we move through the stages and phases of being young parents, we’ve realized that as much as we enjoy and cherish our friendships, our community around us is only as healthy and thriving as the core one we grow from the beginning.

Destination Imagination

2010-04-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

As a long time supporter of Destination Imagination and a former teacher, I am passionate about this program that includes, but goes beyond, the academic standards to train future leaders in such areas as teamwork, problem solving, and creative thinking. I fully support our schools working to improve test scores and raising curriculum standards, but years from now when our kids are making a difference in the world, these creative problem solving abilities and decision making experiences will matter just as much, if not more than, their SAT scores. I believe that whatever the field, most of us find ourselves working on a team that has an objective, a deadline, a budget, and a direction, and the job is to work together to solve the presented problem. That’s what these kids are learning...

and experiencing at a young age. There are 3 main components to the DI program.
Teamwork: Teams are made up of no more than seven kids. All decisions are made by the kids (the adult team manager facilitates, not directs) and they are forced to figure out how to work together with 7 different personalities, thought processes, and ideas.

Problem Solving: There are many facets of D.I. challenges from engineering to architecture to performing arts. Teams choose a challenge to solve, then meet regularly for a pre-determined time and work to solve their challenge. Budgets are set, materials are chosen, timelines are created, and roles are decided. ALL by the kids.

Creativity: This program breathes “thinking outside the box”. From brainstorming to execution, children are encouraged to dream and inspire each other to take their ideas beyond what you might see in a classroom.

Tournaments are held for regions, then teams advance to the state level. The first and second place teams at the state tournament advance to the Global International Tournament held in at the University of Tennessee for a week long whirlwind experience of creativity. Spending four days in a dorm on campus at UT with my team of sevenfourth graders and watching them participate in various challenges and meet kids from all over the world was an experience beyond words.

It's a very accessible and simple start up process. We started one year with a team of 5 kids and have grown it at our elementary school to 10 different teams of over 60 kids just a few years later. We also plan on taking it to our middle school next year to continue growing the program in our district.

Every year I begin meeting with my team, I am full of plans to teach them and provide experiences for them to grow. And every year, I am reminded that this is not a typical teacher/student relationship kind of program. I am continually the one being inspired by these young, energetic, creative future leaders.

They continue to teach me every day. In the past few years, I’ve learned from Hailey that sometimes just a smile and a word of encouragement to someone can make all the difference. I’ve learned from Connor that sometimes being a great team player is just as important if not more important than being the leader. I’ve learned from Skye that the quiet voice of reason is always heard, no matter how loud the other voices are. I’ve learned from Hunter that consistently working hard at something always produces results. I’ve learned from McKenna that allowing yourself to think and act in the moment isn’t always safe, but will always stretch you to new limits. I’ve learned from Meghan that sometimes you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone to really allow yourself to grow. And I’ve learned from Caroline, my daughter, that true creativity comes from the heart.

Challenged by their inquisitive minds and their unquenchable thirst for new ideas and knowledge, I am fascinated by their limitless possibilities for solutions to every kind of challenge they face. I am moved by their compassion for each other and their ability to see from others’ point of view. I am touched by their positive attitudes, genuine concern for the world around them, and the way they find a way to work together in every way, in every challenge. I know without a doubt that these kids are on their way to becoming incredible adults who will continue to make an impact on this world. Thanks in part to an extraordinary after school program called Destination Imagination. Check it out: http://www.idodi.org/

Throwing Punches

2010-04-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

Huge disasters resulting from desperate attempts to teach my children something of value always seem to provide a lesson for me instead.

My mom was a great mom. I mean great. I grew up in a house with 2 sisters and a special needs brother. She rarely yelled and always seemed to know what to do in a situation – guiding us and teaching us life lessons at the same time. There are often times in my daily parenting when I find myself asking, "What would Mom do?"

All kids go through the stage of arguing with their siblings. I actually believe it is invaluable experience in conflict resolution in a safe environment. But anyone who has kids old enough to argue know what I mean when I admit that this is the one of the things that make you want to throw things. Maybe at them. I remember one afternoon...

when I was about 4 and my older sister was 6. We were having one of those days where it was difficult to even be in the same room and had gone the entire day picking on, arguing, and irritating each other. I don’t remember details about the arguing, but I remember my mom losing it and taking us to the bathroom upstairs. She made us stand directly across from each other on the rug (bright green, I can still picture it and the brown raccoons on the wallpaper). She had clearly had enough. “Go ahead”, she said. It sure seems like all you two want to do is fight, so go ahead”. In confusion we just stared at each other. “Go ahead. You want to fight?” She raised her voice. “Do it. Hit each other. Go for it.” My sister and I stared at each other in wide eyed fright. Our mother had lost it! She wanted us to be physically violent! She picked up our hands and showed us what to do. “Here, like this”. At this, my sister and I collapsed into each others’ arms, sobbing, “I don’t want to hit you! I love you sissy! I’m sorry! You’ll always be my sister!” We stood there for several minutes hugging and crying and we still laugh about it to this day.

Now, my mom would most likely admit that this was more a result of throwing up her hands than parenting strategy and I am not advocating this (nor would she) as a tried and true technique. It was just one of those things parents do when they don’t know what else to do and they’re at the end of their rope and it happened to have effective results.

Fast forward 25 years and I have my own 4 and 6 year old. They have been arguing all day and I’m about to lose it. This memory flashes through my mind and even though something in my stomach doesn't feel right about this, I take my two children, place them on the family room rug, and tell them to have at it. For the fraction of the second they look at me incredulously, I know I’ve made a mistake. They barely hesitate before taking huge swings at the other knocking each other down. I have to pull them apart like a WWF match. Obviously, it was a complete failure and of course not really appropriate in the first place. It makes a great story though and my daughter likes to say she threw the first punch. Why did my mom get heartfelt genuine remorse for poor behavior and I got kids with a black eye and a bloody lip? Maybe it was the difference in their gender, their personalities, or a variety of other reasons, but the point is this. You can’t just take someone else’s parenting technique and expect it to work exactly with your own children. You can read every parenting book on the planet, but only you have a handle on how God has designed you uniquely as a parent as well as creating each of your children as individuals and those differences are what make every family a little different.

Sometimes I stil find myself asking the question, “What would Mom do?” and that’s not all bad. I’ve just learned to use the answer as a starting point, consider the specifics and my children, and trust my instincts. You know your kids best. You have all the background information and insight to what makes them who they are. Trust your own instincts. They’re usually right.

Scavenger Hunts

2010-04-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

Scavenger hunts have been on my mind lately, probably the warm weather and the ability to go outside and run around – yeah spring! We had fun last week with a couple at the zoo and the nature center.

We drew 16 squares on a piece of construction paper and I wrote things to find on each kid’s appropriate to their age. At the zoo, Eric (6) had to find things like a mammal and an animal with a long tail, while Caroline (10) had to find things like an omnivore and an animal indigenous to South America. We laminated them to protect them from drops, tears, and spills...

and each kid got their own page of stickers to put on their sheet when they found something. Instead of a “winner” which can always cause issues for siblings (at least mine!) they helped each other finish their sheets so we could get ice cream after everything was found.

Later that week we took some friends to the nature center and hiked the trails looking for things like nuts, seeds, flowers, and newts.This scavenger hunt had partners looking together for things and even wading in the creeks for tadpoles. Except for giving the map to the 8 year old “guide” in the group which led us to hike for a few more miles than we wanted to, it was a great trip!

Also fun are the hunts that involve clues that lead you to the next clue. My sister and I were stuck on a rainy vacation once with our 6 kids and spent a full afternoon watching them run around rescuing stuffed animals by reading rhyming clues that led them to look for other clues in places like the microwave, the bathtub, inside the dryer. It’s amazing what’s entertaining to them – a few rhymes, a teammate, and a mystery can be hours of fun.

An art museum hunt can also be fun. Most kids can only look at so many paintings and sculptures without checking out, but looking for a red hat or a green square keeps them engaged. My friend Teresa recently had a fabulous mall scavenger hunt for her daughter’s birthday party and received great reviews from the pre-teen shoppers. Traveling in the car, going on a walk in your neighborhood, or spying letters for an early reader - these can work for any place, anytime, or any age. Enjoy the hunt!

Summer Book Clubs

2010-04-03T11:23:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, my friend Teresa and I decided to hold a book club for our daughters and their friends. We wanted to keep them reading over the summer and thought it would also be a fun way to keep the girls connected through the off school months. That first summer we read a great book called "Trouble Don't Last" about a runaway slave. We met once a week for 6 weeks...

discussed the book, did various related projects and games and finished off the experience by taking the girls to our local Freedom Center museum which had an age appropriate exhibit about past and present slavery in our world. The girls were very interested in our local history and were amazed to learn about the things that actually happened right in our backyards. The book club was a success and we continued the next summer with a book on friendship, knowing that the girls were headed into those pre-teen years of difficult relationships. More on that in a later post...

So, after several summers of hosting a girls’ book club at our house, Adam, my then 7 year old decided it seemed like too much fun to miss. Could we also have a boys book club? After all, he bargained, it’s harder to get boys to read in elementary school than girls. Have I mentioned that Adam is a seasoned negotiator?

I compromised and suggested a modified sort of book club. (I actually wasn’t sure how many 7 year old boys I could sell on the idea). We’d pick a book, read it and then get together later in the summer for some discussion and activities at a “party”. Adam was good with that for the first try, so we started looking for a book.

The boys had just finished 2^nd grade so we chose the kids classic version of Treasure Island. I encouraged the other boys Adam had invited to read it along with their dads – either together as a read aloud or separately so dads and kids could discuss it as they went along. I hoped it would be a challenging and fun bonding experience for dads and their sons.

At the father son party, this book lent itself to active pirate games including a full out treasure hunt where the boys had to solve clues based on what they had read. We made pirate ships out of milk cartons and played a great game my friend Beth had at her son’s pirate themed birthday party called “walk the plank”. The boys and dads had to walk across a long, raised 2 by 4 while my daughter and I stood to the side with the leaf blower and the hose on mist. It was pretty funny watching grown men try to keep their balance during the “storm” like one of the scenes in the book. The boys really surprised me with their thoughts about what they had read and the different ideas they had about the characters, and watching them interact with their dads about reading was pretty stinking cool.

It was also a great way for Darrin to get to know Adam’s friends’ fathers – something that is not always as easy as it is for moms. It was a great success and the beginning of the next summer had 3rd grade boys asking if we could do another book club. Gotta love that. Happy reading!

Find a mentor, be an encourager...

2010-03-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've found that no matter where you are on the parenting journey, it's so helpful to have a mentor who is just a stage or two ahead of you. Years ago during the stage where we had three kids under four, I remember one particularly rough morning when I had exhausted my resources of books, games, puzzles, and snacks....all before 10 am. I secured the kids in their various containment devices (bouncy seat, exersaucer, and watching Clifford) and stepped out on the porch for a couple deep breaths of fresh air and a little perspective. Feeling a little better, I went back inside and we continued our day...

until lunch when there was a knock at my front door. My neighbor across the street (in the picture above) who had four middle and high school kids at the time was standing on my porch with a pot of hot soup and freshly baked bread. "I noticed you on the porch this morning," she said. (Great, I thought - trying to remember if I had even been dressed yet). "I recognized that look and the way you were deeply breathing and just wanted you to know that you are a GREAT mom and you're doing an amazing job. Enjoy a nice, hot lunch." She gave me a hug and turned to go back across the street. Right then, I vowed that I would be that to other moms. An encourager and supporter - not someone who pretended to have it all together, but vulnerable and open and willing to build into other moms along the way. (And not just when I left the phase of scraping cheerios out of my hair and actually wearing real pants. Right THEN.) My neighbor and I get together every so often and I love to hear stories about her kids and how she handled things, successes and challenges, perspective from someone who is a little farther along the journey than I am. It really is true that no matter what stage you're in, someone else is just behind you needing encouragement. So seek out a mentor and learn from their wisdom and get out there and encourage!

Just for the Joy of the Experience

2010-03-23T19:18:00.001-07:00

While visiting Darrin’s family in Illinois this winter, we took the kids on their first ice skating adventure. While we’ve roller skated together, none of the kids had ever tried ice skating and found the indoor rink experience to be both exciting and hard work.

Caroline, 10, took advantage of the aid to help acclimate beginners to the motion of skating (which was very cool by the way – it was like a sliding walker) and took to the ice with her cousins, gradually giving up the tool and holding hands with her pals. She was a little nervous about falling and found the ice surface to be unforgiving and sometimes painful. She kept a good attitude though and had just as much fun hanging out and drinking hot chocolate with her buddies as she did on the ice.

Eric, 6, was determined to “do it myself” and declined the aid, working very hard to figure it out and accomplishing his goal of skating around the rink without help from mom, dad, or anyone else near him. There were tense moments of frustration but he stayed the course and persevered.

Adam, 8 , was the most fun to watch. Sheer abandonment of expectations, what people thought, or accomplishing anything, Adam threw himself (sometimes literally) into the ice skating experience. He had so much fun...
laughing at himself trying to do something that just wasn’t working that he was caught up in the joy, laughter, and experience itself. Although all three enjoyed the day, Adam had the most positive review and found it to be, “Completely awesome!”

It made me think of all the things we miss out on because we could be driven by fear, worried about what people think, or caught up in accomplishing a goal.

Watching Adam slide around on the ice and sometimes having to catch my breath from laughing so hard after being pulled down with him reminded me that sometimes we all need to whole heartedly embrace things that could cause us a little pain, potentially bring disapproval from other people, or might invite the possibility of failure. Just for the joy of the experience.

Journaling

2010-03-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

My daughter and I have a journal that we write back and forth in to each other about various topics. It started when she was about 4, so the early pages have big, slanted sentences like, “I love you Mommy”, “Thanks for the new socks”, and “You’re the best”. Knowing how important communication is, I wanted to have several opportunities for us to be able to connect, as well as the goal of fostering a love of writing and the ability to express herself in written form. I have found that just like adults, sometimes it feels safer for a kid to write down questions or feelings rather than talk about them first. Sometimes we have an exchange in the journal that starts on the surface and then goes to a place where it’s time to talk. Then we’ll have great conversations in the quiet of her bedroom about an issue that she has been sorting out in her head for awhile.

I think she’s learned a lot about processing her thoughts. Sometimes you can journal your way through an issue – how are you feeling, are you over-reacting? Is the solution within the words you are writing? She’s learned that self-reflection and prayer can provide clarity and direction in a way much different than verbal conversations.

Caroline is a talker anyway, so much so that now we sometimes use the journal in a “write that down in our journal and we’ll talk about it later” kind of way, but my friend’s daughter is more quiet and keeps things inside – how she’s feeling, what she’s thinking, and what may be bothering her. When my friend heard about the journal Caroline and I have, she became very excited and started one for the two of them. She tells me it absolutely changed their relationship. There was a level of trust within the writing and her daughter was able to express herself in written form in a way that really opened up their communication.

At 10, Caroline now has several journals in a variety of sizes, designs, colors. She has a chronological diary of events, a dream journal where she writes prayers and ways she hears God speaking to her and through others, and other random ones where she writes story ideas and song verses. We still also have “our journal” that we get out and have written conversations about our lives.

I love that Caroline and I can continue sharing our love of writing and that we’ll always have those early years recorded in her own handwriting – even if it only says, “Thanks for the new socks!”