the parish

Hagee and the Politics of Pandering

2008-07-01T12:01:43-05:00

I went to see John "Pause for the Applause" Hagee speak at Crossroads Cathedral in OKC Sunday night. He was appearing on behalf of his organization Christians United for Israel, CUFI for the acronym set. I've covered this group the past two years for a local paper, and I went Sunday night hoping that Hagee would say something as inflammatory as his comments about the Holocaust that led to McCain rejecting his endorsement. Alas...he has already learned what the media will do with statements like that, so I endured an entire sermon of good ol' boy jokes, thinly veiled misogyny, pandering to the Jewish members of the audience, self-congratulations, and absolutely no substance. He didn't rail about homosexuals, liberals, or feminists. No promises of impending doom for Oklahoma City because of our gay politicians. No King James words like sodomites, concupiscence, or lasciviousness. Nothing.

The purpose of CUFI's events is to raise awareness for the plight of the Jewish people, not, you'll note, Israelis, although the organization raises money for causes in Israel: body armor, defense forces, bunkers, etc. This may be something I'm supposed to know, but does one have to be Jewish by faith or heritage to be an Israeli, or do the westerners, Africans, Arabs, and others living in Israel qualify as well? Hagee has no time for such nuance. The Jews are the people of God; Palestinians are the enemies of the people of God; and the task of the Church is to unflinchingly and unquestioningly support Israel. This would be news to the Hebrew prophets, of course, who believed that the people of God were defined by their willingness to reflect the character and shalom of God.

I don't pretend to be an expert on the status of Israel as a besieged nation, but I do watch enough news and have lived long enough to believe the story is more complex than Hagee wants us to believe. I also understand his theological convictions lead him to this point—just another indicator that theology should rarely, if ever, influence foreign policy.

Two things stood out that night: a defanged Hagee pretending he's being cutting edge and rebellious for supporting Israel (is he aware of our nation's foreign policy history vis-a-vis Israel?) and the four body guards on the platform. Yes, four body guards. So much for all that "to live is Christ, to die is gain" talk that Christians ostensibly believe. Apparently the God who orchestrated His chosen peoples' re-emergence as a nation is incapable of orchestrating a peaceful night in south Oklahoma City.

The Devil and the First Amendment

2008-06-29T18:58:29-05:00

On Friday, June 27, the Texas Supreme Court upheld the right of churches to injure their members when casting out the devil. Or demons.

Laura Schubert was 17 in 1996 when members of the Pleasant Glade Assembly of God performed an exorcism on her. She received minor cuts and bruises and later allegedly experienced hallucinations as a result of the exorcism. She sued and a jury awarded her 300k in 2002. The Court of Appeals reduced the award to 180k but agreed with the lower court's ruling.

The Houston Chronicle reported: "In a 6-3 decision, the justices found that a lower court erred when it said the Pleasant Glade Assembly of God's First Amendment rights regarding freedom of religion did not prevent the church from being held liable for mental distress triggered by a 'hyper-spiritualistic environment.'"

The Texas Supreme Court brilliantly decided that the case "unconstitutionally entangled the court in religious matters."

Here's a crazy idea. Sometimes the courts needed to be entangled in religious matters. When parents withhold blood transfusions. When grown men impregnate 14 year old girls. When churches attempt to cast out mythological creatures and cause harm to their parishioners. These seem like times that law should trump religious freedom. Religious freedom can't be given free reign to exploit, wound, harm, abuse, or swindle practitioners of a particular faith. It seems crazy, but there are times when the laws of humans should take precedence over the laws of God, especially since we can't agree on Her laws.

How to Read Like a Heathen

2008-06-25T14:26:18-05:00

Since I left the faith of my childhood and early adulthood, I've struggled with breaking out of the cycles that keep me angry: church, religious television, CCM, etc. One of my greatest joys has always been magazines. I subscribe to about 14. I started subscribing to Christianity Today in 1992. I read it for years before then. I followed that subscription over the next several years with Books & Culture, Christian Century, Leadership, The Other Side, The Progressive Christian, First Things, and several others. Last year I realized that a cursory read of Christianity Today drove me into despair or rage. I asked at that time about what I was supposed to read. Blog world had little to say.

I revisited my list recently and have made changes that I think will keep me sane and informed. I renewed my subscription to Esquire. I also kept alive my subs to The New Yorker and Books & Culture. I've added subs to Columbia Journalism Review, Philosophy Now, Skeptic, Reason, Free Inquiry, and Skeptical Inquirer. I renewed Paste and added Rolling Stone. I also renewed Harper's and added Atlantic Monthly. I'll continue to buy Utne, Realms of Fantasy, Sojourners, Christian Century, and a few others when I find issues I like at the newsstand. Christianity Today is down to the last issue. I see no reason to renew. The magazine has become so much a product of the evangelical center and political right that I'm weary of it. All the news they publish I can find elsewhere, and the stories, rather than being journalistic, are PR for Jesus.

It feels odd to alter my reading habits this much, but I can't stay sane if I keep reading all the religious stuff. I still need to find a good general info religion magazine, but I don't think it exists. I'll just have to read Tikkun, a Buddhist magazine, and an Islam journal at the school library until something comes along. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

As for books, they were never a problem. I've always read enough novels to stay this side of normal. I will eliminate almost all books specifically about Christian spirituality and church. Publicists are still sending me books to review, including Doug Pagitt's new one. I will review some of those as a matter of professional development and in the hopes that an outsider might actually have something worthwhile to say.

And so it begins...

2008-06-20T11:43:56-05:00

The republicans have set the tone for the major issue in the upcoming election with Bush's and McCain's call to drill everywhere on the planet. I don't know enough about the issue to know where or if we ought to be drilling. My initial instinct is that I don't want giant oil slicks washing up on beaches, but maybe it's not necessary. That isn't the point though. The point is how both sides are going to try to frame this debate.

Obama's position is going to rely on a sense of sacrifice and intelligence. He'll have to say something about alternative energy, the need to conserve, and the need to preserve the planet. McCain will pretend to give a shit about us "common folk" and how hard the $4 per gallon gas is hitting us. It is starting to hurt, and not just common folk. Businesses, especially restaurants, in OKC are starting to suffer, but is drilling for a short-term fix the solution? American political debates are famously without nuance. I'm pretty sure John and Sue Middle America aren't going to want to think through the implications of drilling, refining, and waiting for other solutions. They want to pay less now (so do I).

This is the one issue that will allow the republicans to portray themselves as the friend of the middle and lower classes. Obama's universal health care will be the democratic opportunity. This isn't news to anyone, I'm sure, but any notion of framing a debate in terms of the common good is lost in the political reality of "are you better now..." Sound bites and self-interest take the place of genuine discussion. And now that all truth is politicized, those of us who want a full and honest debate will gnash our teeth and save for the eventual move to Scandinavia. I just wish it was warmer there.

Obama will hope people will hear him out. They won't. This issue will make the election far closer than it should have been. Alas...

I thought it was supposed to be a white horse...

2008-06-19T16:27:34-05:00

Thanks to J-Fo. Ken Ham would be proud. I'm hoping to find this coloring book at Mardel's.

My First Wedding Without God-Talk

2008-06-17T18:04:00-05:00

I'm still licensed to marry people in Oklahoma. Hard to believe, but the license never expires. Doesn't matter what you believe, you can still marry and bury. Two of the hhdw's clients asked her a few months ago if I would officiate their wedding. I told her to tell them, "I don't do God-talk." They said they didn't want a religious ceremony; they aren't believers. They are a great young couple. We had them over for dinner, drinks, and hookah to discuss the details. They were as low maintenance as I could have hoped for. Special music? Nope. Just a friend playing acoustic guitar with a small amp. Church? Nope. The rotunda of the state capitol. Unity candle? Nope. Any extras? Nope. Just get us married and get us to the reception: open bar at Maker's Cigar/Jazz Lounge. Perfect.

The wedding was 6/7/08. It took exactly 14 minutes, including the processional and recessional. I've never received more compliments on a wedding from men. Usually women will tell me how lovely it was. The women were pretty complimentary, but the men were like, "That is the best wedding I've ever attended!" It was such a relaxed, casual, fun event. I included a charge to the witnesses to be genuine community, as well as charges to the bride and groom to seek the other's happiness. All the language that makes marriage really work can be done without the God-talk. It's not like She's providing a handbook or verbal messages, after all. The family got the pomp and circumstance, including six bridesmaids and groomsmen, beautiful flowers, a fantastic setting, and tons of friends and distant relatives. The bride and groom made their families happy without stressing out overmuch. And the party afterwards was amazing. The officiant had something in the neighborhood of a bottle and a half of wine.

I'm officially taking appointments for future secular weddings.

Back from the Boonies

2008-06-16T17:15:09-05:00

The hot, outdoor-loving, hairdresser wife and I took the parish stepchild to SE Oklahoma this weekend to camp with the hhdw's family. You probably should know that SE Oklahoma is similar in topography to western Arkansas, so it is extraordinarily beautiful in places. It is also one of the country-fuckingest places I've ever been. (Yes, I just made fuck a superlative.) You should also know that Susan's family has names like Bobo, BJ, Sissy, Mema, DeeDee, and Boggy--which is to say, they fit right in in that part of the world. It would be unfair not to mention that they are incredibly gracious hosts as well.

Several friends asked me if I was going to be okay camping. Let's see, I grew up in Colorado where I camped in a sleeping bag and ate MRE's. My father drove a maroon 1964 International Harvester Scout with a steel pipe for a front bumper and double steel walls. Since it was so well-equipped, he saw no need to follow marked trails. I survived basic training and federal prison. Ooh, I'm so scared to sleep in a 34', air conditioned trailer at a state park. How will the professor make it? I hope he doesn't get ass raped in the woods like Ned Beatty. Sheesh, people.

It was what you'd expect from a weekend in that part of the world. We rode seadoos, floated around in a pontoon boat, drank alot, told stories, ate alot, gossipped and avoided anything important. Until late yesterday. Those folks being who they are, they can't seem to help using the "n" word. The parish stepchild began to castigate them for it. She, of course, swears like a Bangkok hooker, and they were quick to point out her foul mouth. Not fair, of course. Saying fuck doesn't offend an entire race of people, nor is it necessarily a sign of ignorance. She wasn't able to come up with those answers yet. She will eventually. She did negotiate a deal though. She stopped saying fuck, and they stopped using the "n" word around her. We let her fight it out. At one point, Susan's mom tried to get me to intercede on behalf of the family's side! And people were surprised that Oklahoma went for Hilary. Hmm...

The line of the weekend though was uttered by Susan's brother-in-law. Her sister takes hormone therapy because she had a hysterectomy many years ago. As the time for her shot draws near, she becomes increasingly tense. Spending the weekend with racist, sexist, country-ass males exacerbates the problem. Last night we were all in the trailer and she had had enough. One of her sons said, "Simmer down, mama." Sam, with knife in hand, spun around glaring at her oldest, Cody. Cody's stepdad (Sam's husband) quickly said, "Son, she has a knife in her hand, and she hasn't had her shot." Nuff said.

I could ramble on about enforced gender roles, odd moments of chivalry, surprising moments of insight, being shocked by some of the vocabulary (amenities?), and how much fun it is to actually hang out with people who are soooo different and like you anyway. But you get the idea.

Welcome to Baptist Absurdia

2008-06-13T10:25:33-05:00

Two SBC notes from last week. One from the convention, one from youth camp. Since I'm a firm believer that everyone creates their own reality to some degree by means of language, I'll use these two stories to illustrate how the SBC manages to ignore what might be called really real in favor of apocalyptic nonsense.

The SBC has rejected a call for a database of sex offenders within their own ranks. Wade Burleson and Christa Brown of StopBaptistPredators.org asked the executive committee to study the feasibility of a nationwide database of "credibly accused" Baptist ministers and lay leaders. Morris Chapman reported on the "study" last week at the annual convention. (You probably should know that SNAP--survivors network of those abused by priests--has challenged the existence of an actual study.) Chapman said the executive committee was rejecting the database idea for three reasons.

1. It's impossible to ensure that all sex offenders who have had a connection with a Baptist church would be included.
2. A Baptist only database would exclude sex offenders who were previously identified from other faith communities.
3. Autonomy. Of course. The SBC lacks the authority to require autonomous churches to report sex offenders in their midst.

Two observations before moving on to the funny bit. As to points one and two, isn't this like saying, "We can only cure 13 kinds of cancer, so we ain't doing shit 'til we can cure them all!"? As to point 3, somehow autonomy does not affect SBC efforts (commendable efforts) to provide disaster relief, medical missions, food, and other resources to places in need. It does not prevent cooperative money from going to missionaries. But it always prevents them from doing what they don't want to do. I think that's called an argument from convenience.

A friend was with his youth at youth camp last week. Apparently, it had been a better than average night in the service, as a young minister had challenged the youth to commit to an ethic of obedience. No one answered the altar call (I'm shocked!) so rather than manipulate the kids, he sat down. Kali bless him. He was followed on stage by a Gideon carrying a carved wooden staff. The words "Rapture Check" were carved vertically on the face of the staff, and it was topped by the carved head of an old man (I think that parts right.). He pounded the staff and shouted "Rapture check!" Since many Baptist churches no longer practice this nonsense, many of the kids were at a loss as to what to do. Appalled by the realization that the kids were unaware of the required response, the Gideon, using the oil and wedding maidens text, informed the kids that about half of them are unprepared for the Rapture. This went on for fifteen minutes. Not sure how it ended. I think my buddy took his kids out.

What we have here is a reality created by certain Southern Baptists. It's a world where protecting children from sexual predators in inconvenient, but scaring the shit out of them with threats of eternal torture is just another day in the pulpit. The reality they practice asserts that the latter is real and the former is something that needs to be parsed in closed committees. Welcome to Baptist-land. Enjoy your stay, unless you're a kid.

perhaps the best follow up I've ever seen

2008-06-06T23:20:50-05:00

Jay and J-Fo were inspired by their time on youvebeenleftbehind.com and they came up with a couple ideas. J-Fo first suggested a "justincaseitstrue.com" site where some wise webmaster would use google maps to pinpoint Christians' houses so that we heathens can have their shit after the Rapture. Jay and J-Fo combined their insights though and contacted Mark at youvebeenleftbehind.com about advertising. Based on his response, they drafted this email, which they have actually sent. Buddha bless them.

Mark,

My partners and I (business partners, not life partners) are building a web site similar to to RaptureIndex.com. But it is far more sophisticated.

First, we target multiple news sources and blogs, and import their RSS feeds into an algorithm that highlights relevant keywords. We analyze posts that are flagged for possible Rapture Relevant Content and rate posts based on Factual Verification, Consistency with Scriptural Indications of End Times, and Intensity of the Event (meaning, an earthquake that kills 100 people is given a lower rating than one killing 10,000 people).

Our algorithm then combines our analysis to generate a Rapture Probability Indicator (RPI) that measures how likely the Rapture could occur at any given moment.

The RPI is expressed as a percentage. So a 1.25% would indicate an extremely low likelihood of the Rapture occuring at this given time (although God can do anything He wants). A 99.5% would indicate a very high likelihood of a Rapture Event.

We do not at all use this to set specific dates. In fact, an RPI of 100% does not mean the Rapture will happen right now. It simply means that all that needs to happen for the rapture to occur is currently in place.

Second, (and this is where things get interesting) we offer Christians the ability to generate revenue from the site by selling futures contracts on their assets to non-Christians. So for instance, suppose Bob Smith is a Christian and has assets of $500,000. The RPI is currently 50%. Bob can offer his assets upon Verification of Rapture (with those conditions spelled out in the contract) to the highest bidder if the Rapture occurs within the time frame of the contract.

So just like in the futures markets, Bob can sell his 'Bob Smith January 2010' contract to the highest bidder. The cost of the contract will be influenced by the number of bidders, the current RPI, the value of the assets and time between the present date and the expiration of the contract.

Bob receives the revenue from the contract, and if the Rapture occurs before January 31st, 2010, the buyer will have a legally binding contract in which s/he can take possession of Bob's assets. If the Rapture does not occur, the contract expires and Bob can then sell another contract at another expiration date.

Make sense?

Blessings,

Jay

Problem Solved for Pentecostals and Dispensational Baptists

2008-06-05T15:44:26-05:00

This takes care of problem two. Glad I'm back. I've already discovered the solution to two huge theological issues. Been a good week.