The Passages of my life

Insert Quirky-Catchy Title Here

2011-04-18T08:36:00.003-04:00

As you can see I can't really come up with a catchy title today. I am just writing because I am wondering about some things. And I am thinking maybe somebody who reads this may have an answer.

As always, this isn't meant to call anyone out or make anyone mad.

I have worked very and I mean very hard on the website for the study about autism that I have done, but still have had no one participate at all. No one has asked any questions about it, no feedback, nada, zilch.

As a member of the autism community I thought it was my duty to start something that I thought would be a positive thing. Something that wasn't biased, but trying to understand if there is a common demoninator between families that are affected by autism. But I guess, I am not popular enough, or haven't the name to get anyone to notice, no matter what I do. Oh well, I will still try.

In case you are wondering about the website or study here you go: https://sites.google.com/site/theautismfamilytree/

Another thing that has really gotten to me is the fact of the children's story contest. I guess there are no children who like to draw anymore, because like the study, there hasn't been anything on that.

I hate to say it, with all of my friends that have children you would have thought that the books would be finished and published by now. Not only are the pictures going to be in every book, but 20% of each sale will go to the kids, or a charity of their choice, (split between the children that are published).

And the contest page: https://sites.google.com/site/theautismfamilytree/our-young-artist-contest

So you would think, something would have happened with that , but again nothing. I am really starting to feel as if there is nothing that I can do that will ever get the time of day from anyone, oh well. At least I know that now and will give up yet another dream.

So that is all for today. Thanks for listening to my rant.

The Vaccine Debate and the Art of Bullying

2011-01-21T12:37:00.002-05:00

Today is a bit of a snarky day for me, so I am sorry in advance for anyone I may or may not offend.

So here goes today's blog.

Pro-vaccine people and also anti-vaccine, (I know quite a few and most are very very wonderful people), Stop the name calling please.

I personally am a holding off vaccines until at least the age of two, and then only get one at a time. Am I wrong in that? Not for myself and my family.

My eldest daughter has autism, and yes, I do feel that the vaccines has something to do with it. (She had alot of allergies as a baby, and even so was given her shots.)

So I feel I am right in holding off my youngest daughter's shots. That and the fact that I have done a lot of research on the subject, and don't feel that a baby needs that much put into their systems at such a young age.

So that leads me to the pro-vaccine people. Yes, I know there have been numerous reports stating the MMR doesn't cause autism, (in most cases). And I have no problem with that. But what I and most other, (I guess you would call me anti-vaccine) want to know is the effects of all of the shots combined are, and why do you have to have so many shots.

If you look at your own shot chart from a kid, you'll see quite a few less. Now why is that? That is really the question.

Okay onto the name calling. Why call names to people who are just questioning vaccines. These are some of the only reasons I can come up with, (if there are more please let me know,)

A) Because you are afraid that without my child being vaccinated, she will infect your child. (Okay, but my problem with that answer is, if your child is vaccinated, then you wouldn't pick anything up from mine.)

B) Oh, the vaccine only covers certain strands of the diseases. (Okay, so you may pick it up from my child, but then again if my child was vaccinated she still would have picked up the disease.)

C) That if it's proven that in some children vaccinations lead to a regression in this instance autism that you will question whether they did in your child. (Okay, this is a very valid point, but if they are proven, it wouldn't be your fault. You aren't the one who gave your child the shot, and told you they were safe.)

D) Okay I can't come up with another point, but you get my drift.

I understand your view on these things, I just tend to disagree.

If there are tests done on each of the shots singularly and combined that show there is without a doubt no instances where they may cause autism or any other neurological or physical problems, I will change my stance on the vaccines. Until then, we each have our own opinions.

And this is where the bullying comes in on both sides. There are those who believe their view is the only right one, and everyone else's is wrong. Really? Aren't we all adults here? Aren't we trying to teach our children that being a bully is wrong?

I know not everyone can get along, but we are an Autism Community, and we all should be working to figuring out the problem, not starting other problems.

That is all.

Riddle me this Riddle me that

2011-01-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, once again I hit up my blog, woohoo go me. Okay enough of that, here is today's topic.

Research.....

Lately I have noticed a growing trend on my twitter and facebook of those who are tired of research on autism and think that it needs to stop in order for the kids who are dealing with it now to get more help.

Okay that is understandable, I would give up both my legs and arms for Kenz to have more....but....

Here is where I tend to think parents are forgetting the big picture. (Nothing against this way of thinking at all, seriously.)

The big picture meaning, without research into the causes of autism there can be no forward thinking therapies developed. Without research into the cause of autism, the way to fix the problem, (i.e. the growing numbers) will never be discovered.

Maybe I am by myself in this thought: If they were to discover some form of surgery, or vitamins, or the like that would fix Kenz would I do it? Oh yes, yes I would in a heartbeat. I know this sounds like I don't love my child for who she is, but I do. She normally, (on her very good days) a very sweet child, and makes the sun shine brighter when she smiles and laughs. But, and this is a big one, she isn't happy. As a barely communicative child, we have the meltdowns, the attacks on herself and me and my husband, the screaming, the biting, headbutting, throwing herself off of things, etc. So yes, if I could change that and get her to the point of enjoying life at the fullest, (having friends, enjoying movies, even just hanging out with the family, school activities, etc.) oh you darn well know I would.

So those of you who think money should be removed from research, great, I hope that your children are much better than mine. Cause I want those answers so future generations don't have to have the problems we are facing.

I love my daughter and who she is: a great big ball of energy, and a very goofy kid.

So for those of you who do want the research: (shameless plug here!) go to our research project's web page and help out. https://sites.google.com/site/theautismfamilytree/home

Sorry if I offended or made anyone angry with this post, I am just stating what I am thinking.

What about this?

2011-01-10T08:55:00.000-05:00

My Grandmother for Christmas bought me the book "Age of Autism: Mercury, Medicine, and a Man-Made Epidemic" by Dan Olmsted and Mark Blaxill.
So far I have made it through 33 pages of it. It's an awesome read so far. For anyone interested in the developement of medicine throughout the ages. If it has "an agenda" I am not seeing anything more than trying to inform people of what has been done to our ancestors and our planet. So I do recommend it for everyone who has any interest in the world at large.

That being said, today's blog is based around a question that while reading this book formed in my mind.

If the numbers of autism have increased so much in the past twenty years, maybe it's something that was done to my generation. Poor generation X'ers. Think about it, we are now becoming parents or have been in the past ten years. What was given to us, (and yes this does include mercury and thimerosal in our shots) and what about the other things we have put in our bodies, or the jobs we have done. I know I worked with fuels for almost six years, JP-8 to be specific. (I'll let you look it up, nasty stuff), I have had the anthrax shot, and whatever else they gave us in the military, (I would have to look at my shot records), I was on the depo shot. So think about it. Could anyone of these things, let alone together have set me up for an autistic child?

Maybe, I think it's a good thing to look at though. I guess the saying is true, what we put into our bodies now, can really hurt us in the future.

Another point I am going to make is that besides Autism, look at all the allergies out there in kids. When I was a kid we never had anyone with killer peanut or perfume allergies. I don't think I ever even know someone with it. Now, Kenz' school is a peanut/perfume free zone. Also, celiac or chrohn's disease can be included in this. 10 years ago it was almost unheard of; but now.....

Something is going on. Research is definitely needed in this department.

Yes I know that they are "supposedly" finding mutated genes for autism in the DNA strand, but nevertheless, where are those genes coming from? Something in my generations.

So basically I believe that there needs to be a study done on all of the parents of Autistic children to see if there is a common denominator.

We really need to have someone unbiased set up a census bureau for families on the spectrum. If we are ever going to find the answer to why, (which in the long run will find the answer to stop it, and help those who have it now), we need to all work together.

Special Needs doesn't mean non-verbal Autism

2010-12-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

So we were given the opportunity to be a part of a "Special Needs" dance class recently. It all seems like a great idea for McKenzie. Yes well, it should have been an awesome experience for her, because she is such a music lover and dancer.

So according to the owner of the dance studio, (I will not say names; but if you live in the Ontario area and want to know, just ask me), this was a class for all special needs where there would be a helper for each child. They wanted to have the children learn the basics of ballet. Sounds great right???

Well, for the first couple of weeks we had a young girl helper for McKenzie. But I think if you know McKenzie, well let's say dance structured class for 45 minutes made her a bit restless. This class really was taught exactly how a normal dance class would be taught. No free dance, just floor stretching, and pointing, and lining up in front of the mirrors to do the positions. Sounds like fun right?

Well, Kenz did have fun, but she would get a bit distracted and start running around the room. Which would have been fine in a class actually made for special needs kids, but a definite no no in this one.

So by the time the third week rolled around she didn't have a helper. There were two children who had something wrong with their legs, (one used a walker and the other a leg board), which was awesome to see them working hard in the class, but Kenz' helper was moved over to them, giving them two helpers a piece. Don't get me started about the time I came home in tears, because when Kenz was being herself and goofing around, these two kids mothers were whispering to each other and staring down Kenz; shaking their heads and giving the condescending look at me. (Might be my imagination like everyone seems to think, but I don't think so.)

Sometimes the teacher would work with Kenzie, but for the most part it was me. Even though I was never asked to be her helper, which I would never had had a problem with helping her considering I took years and years of dance as a child. But on the other hand, she was suppose to have a helper.

Whatever, I overlooked this because she seemed to really like this class. But then they started to cancel classes, (which right now I am wondering if they just cancelled for her; you'll see why in a moment).

Then a couple of weeks ago, we go to class, and the teacher is working somewhat with Mckenzie, (even though there is another helper just sitting on a chair in the back of the room, because her kid wasn't there.) So the teacher has the kids start working on their Christmas concert routine. Wait what? What Christmas concert? We were never told about it, and had never worked on anything. As I said above, was this because they cancelled McKenzie's class, but not anyone else's. Or did they just fail to tell me about it? Either way, makes you think that they didn't want her involved with it.

So during this class, Kenz starts to run around again, and the teacher actually asks me to help, because she has to watch the rest of the class. Wow really? Even though there is another helper just sitting? Okay, sure. But of course she gets away from me, and the teacher grabs her from around the back leaning over her head....and bounce. Kenz, not on purpose, jumps and hits the teacher's chin.

Well, we all know it was an accident, but............

Dear Lana

It is with sincere regret that I have to ask you to withdraw MacKenzie from the class.
Our volunteers are just young kids and are not able to provide the help that MacKenzie needs.
As I have to supervise the entire class I am not able to spend the necessary time with MacKenzie.
She is very sweet and I know that she responds well to me and I wish I could have been of more help to her and yourself.
I am hoping that there is another program that will meet MacKenzie's needs better than ours could offer.
I wish you all the best,

Sincerely

Melanie

Two classes left is all we had, but I got this after she bonked the teacher, that was the only difference this week. So give me your opinions. Kenz was the only autistic child in the class that I know of. But I really think she got the short end of the stick, because she doesn't talk, and the class was not structured in a way she could work with. And she is just different.

I don't know, I am still a little mad about it, because it was an accident. So like I said I won't say the name of the studio, but if any parent wants a dance class for their special needs child or even their neurotypical child, I will never recommend this place. Never ever ever.

My say about shots

2010-11-23T10:29:00.002-05:00

Eek, am I actually going to write my feelings about autism and shots?

I am today, not sure why I feel today is the day to have my say, and I do believe I will probably make some people mad, or maybe not, who knows.

So to start, do I think that McKenzie's shots gave her autism? Yes and no. I know not a black and white answer; but really autism is not a black and white thing.

I believe that like some children with autism, McKenzie was prone to it, and something within the shots got the ball rolling; or moreso the domino effect going. Many of you may say it is just coincendence that it happened around the same time, and that is your opinion, but to see a happy, talking neurotypical child go from one day being just that, to the next, not speaking at all, violent, unhappy, well there has to be something to it at least with my case.

I also believe that some are born with it in their genes.

But then again, those children probably have an enviromental factor into it too. Think about it: the pollution in everything, what we are eating, what parents have taken in their lives (i.e. shots or other things).

Things like some of the shots they are giving are not tested long term. I know I had the anthrax shot while in the military and they said it was safe, but tell you what when my cartalage in my joints is deteriating (which is one of the side-effects), and they still say it's safe and has nothing to do with the shot; well, I tend to think they are wrong.

We all know our bodies better than anyone, so listen to your body.

All I can really say is please stay well informed. Check into the shots before you get them for yourselves or your children. Trust your gut instincts.

Question everything, like really what sense does it make to put more than one vaccine into a single shot. It takes at least two weeks for the body to get over the effects of one; but they are now putting 6 into 1. Something is a little off for me.

Think about it; business speaking that would be the most cost effective way to do things, i.e. save money and time. But what about the kiddos? Isn't it a bit much to put into a small child's body? I wouldn't put it in my body in one dose, would you?

Lastly, I am not against vaccinations, and Ryleigh will be vaccinated, but not until she is two; when her immune system is fully matured. Also she will only be given one shot at a time, and even then only the ones that she needs, not the flu shot or things of that nature.

So in closing, please do not just listen to the doctors, or people in the medical field, listen to yourself and always ask for the paperwork on the shot. Be informed. But also, try and do right for the earth, cause in the long run that is what is making it an unfit place for our kiddos.

Today is brought to you by the Letter S

2010-11-19T08:25:00.002-05:00

That stands for Sick.

Well, it's that time of year again. Where the weather starts to grow cold, the leaves are off the trees, and rain that won't stop.

And of course cold season. McKenzie has one. Cough, cough, sneeze, sneeze, and a small fever. Lovely.

Of course the rest of us will get it too. Blah.

Worse thing about McKenzie being sick....she refuses to take anything for it. No medicine will ever go through her lips, unless you hold her down and quickly squirt it into her mouth, while holding her mouth shut; otherwise she will spit it right back out at you. Believe me it isn't a pretty sight. My poor ceiling had blood looking liquid dripping from it last time she was sick.

Also she won't ever sit still long enough to get well. So that drink lots of liquids and rest; yes well, ahem. No way.

The eating soup or anything that would make her feel better, yeah right. No soup, no tea, no nothing. Poor kid.

So that just makes the cold always last longer. Just means for a whinning, coughing, sneezing, hyper child for about a week. Fun times.

Feel free to let me know your tricks. I would love to have something more up my sleeve.

A preview of the book

2010-11-18T09:19:00.002-05:00

Don’t all kids like Legos, chicken nuggets, chips, and ice-cream? This is the question that six year old McKenzie would like answered.

It’s a Bird…It’s a Plane…Nope, it’s just me is a 494 word children’s story that deals with a child living with severe autism. In this story McKenzie tries to explain some of her odd traits, by using comparisons to super-heroes, aliens, sports-stars, and animals. She hopes that by the end of the story everyone will understand that she isn’t a “thing”, just a “normal” girl.

I have written this story because my daughter McKenzie lives with severe autism everyday. We have been the recipients of the non-autism-aware people, who do look at her as if she were a “thing” or “weird”.

With the numbers of children diagnosed with autism rising every year, there is a need for people to be informed about these kids. And what better place to start the information then with our children. I feel this book not only will keep the children laughing, but also inform them that the children with autism are normal kids too.

A short preview.....

Hi, my name is McKenzie.

Look at me. What do you see? A regular kid like yourself? I hope so.

But there is something different about me that I want you to know.

Mommy and Daddy say that I am very special.

Do you want to know some of the reasons why?

I wear a helmet, but I’m not a sports-star, like Wayne Grezky, or Peyton Manning.

And I don’t have any super powers. Not like Superman or Spiderman. I wish I did though, and then I could fly up high and climb all over things without getting into trouble. Oh, I would like that.

If anyone wants to read more, or has any interest in illustrations for it, or even knows of a publishing company that may actually look at it, please let me know.

I love this story and I really think it would do a world of good for those with and without autism.

Tigger strikes again

2010-11-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

For the past week or so Kenz has been so very very hyper. She hasn't had any new sugar or any new things to eat, but yet.....

As I sit on the armchair in our living room, all I can think of is have we entered into an alternate universe where Kenz is now Tigger?

Run, run, run; from one end of the house to the other. Bounce, bounce, bounce; the couch definitely makes a good springboard.

If there was an award for couch flying; Kenz would take top honours right about now.

And to top it off, her nighttime sleep schedule has changed. No longer the right at 8:00 pm bedtime, oh no. Since her Tigger has come out it's more like 10 or 10:30

I hate to say it; but thank god she is at school. Sad isn't it, but at least I can relax a bit.

That's it for now. I am sure by the end of the day there will be more, but I will tell you all about it later.

2010-04-08T17:17:00.000-04:00

"In honor of Autism Awareness Month, from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, here are the top ten benefits of having a child with autism:

10. You have an automatic excuse to get out of social gatherings that you really didn't want to attend anyway.
9. Sometimes I look so haggard, I get a senior citizen discount.
8. The time I've spent reading labels automatically qualifies me for a food science degree.
7. Get to save time by speaking exclusively in acronyms, like ABA, GFCF, IEP, SCD, DAN, RDI...
6. I can't possibly be expected to lose weight or get to the gym with all of the stress I'm under.
5. No need to waste your money on (choose any that apply): GPS, calculators, encyclopedias, alarm clocks, Hooked on Phonics...
4. Get to learn cool new words that you never knew existed in the English language like 'perseveration', 'echolalia', and 'casein'.
3. Sometimes I get mistaken for celebrities...like Phil Spector or Nick Nolte.
2. When our kids misbehave in public it's because they have a serious neurological disorder. What's your kid's excuse?

And the #1 benefit of having a child with autism...

1. Our kids are soooooooo much cuter than those FLTK's (Funny-Looking Typical Kids)."

a new list or poem

2010-04-08T16:42:00.000-04:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month, from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska, here are the top ten benefits of having a child with autism:

10. You have an automatic excuse to get out of social gatherings that you really didn't want to attend anyway.
9. Sometimes I look so haggard, I get a senior citizen discount.
8. The time I've spent reading labels automatically qualifies me for a food science degree.
7. Get to save time by speaking exclusively in acronyms, like ABA, GFCF, IEP, SCD, DAN, RDI...
6. I can't possibly be expected to lose weight or get to the gym with all of the stress I'm under.
5. No need to waste your money on (choose any that apply): GPS, calculators, encyclopedias, alarm clocks, Hooked on Phonics...
4. Get to learn cool new words that you never knew existed in the English language like "perseveration", "echolalia", and "casein".
3. Sometimes I get mistaken for celebrities...like Phil Spector or Nick Nolte.
2. When our kids misbehave in public it's because they have a serious neurological disorder. What's your kid's excuse?

And the #1 benefit of having a child with autism...

1. Our kids are soooooooo much cuter than those FLTK's (Funny-Looking Typical Kids).

just a bit of the whatevers

2010-03-11T07:13:00.002-05:00

So it's a beautiful day here in good ol' hamilton. Sun is shinning, birds are chirping, and sorta warm. So I am sitting out on the front porch typing this.

Something is going on with me. Not sure what, but I always get like this when I want to write. And I feel so very bad about it, cause I can't seem to function anymore. I don't know if it actually has anything to do with the writing, or just me. Probably just me.

I want so bad, for someone to read this script and be like, oh yeah this is awesome. I know many of you have read it, and read some of the edits, but I am talking someone in the industry.

So I am reworking it, and trying again. But that means, working hard on it and spending time and money. It costs a bit to try and get it into festivals, and competitions.

But really, I don't have the time, or I feel bad for taking the time. And this is where the I think it may be me thing comes in.

I am tired. I am tired of always wanting more than what I have. I don't think that I feel privileged or anything, it's just that I have worked so hard in my life and overcome so many obstacles that many something good should come, right?

I love my family, each and every one of them, but I feel bad for wanting a little me time. I feel like I should be cleaning, and cooking and spending all my free time with the hubby and the kids.

I feel bad cause I miss the days where kenz was with her dad, and I had a few days a week that there was only me and the animals.

There are days, that no matter what I feel like crap. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough, and I dunno.

I just want something that is right out of my reach, and it's hard knowing that I might never get there no matter how hard I try.

Maybe I just need a vacation. Probably, it's been almost a year and a half since I went anywhere. I miss the ocean and beach, and I miss the streets of NOLA, mostly though I miss myself.

I rarely go out anymore, and I don't talk to many people. I don't know anyone, and I can't work yet, so it's a little hard. Oh I know we need to get into a support group for kenz, but yeah, need time and effort to do that.

Today is one of those days as you can see that is more of a give up hope day.

Oh well, I will persevere right. (This is me feeling bad on taking the time to right this when there is always housework to be done.)

So thanks for reading my ramblings.

Adieu for now

a little of this a little of that

2010-02-28T05:17:00.002-05:00

So if anyone really knows me, they know that California is part of my soul. The same with New Orleans, even though I think NOLA has taken over my heart.

With that said, it is weird that I have made a desicion to not go to California this year with everyone.

I was going to, but then life has taken over, and I don't think it is in the cards for me. A) we are still waiting on immigration paperwork, so basically if I go, I may not be able to come home again for a bit, which sucks, cause I can't even go to visit my family. B) I really don't want to leave my family, even for a few days. In all reality, they rock, and they are my rocks, C) Some of my favorite people to hang out with, i.e. Trevor, and Nikki, won't be there.

Not that I don't love most of everyone who is going, but there are cliques there, and that kinda sucks.

And then there is D) LOST ate my life. Yeah, I am not going to put myself in the position of wanting to actually buy this book, so I can stand in front of the author(s) and rip it up. Not really worth it. My feelings on that subject are still the same as they were last year. I had tried to come to terms with it, and believe that I could deal with it, but really, I have this stinking suspicion that it would get brought up and I would be put in a position of not enjoying my time with everyone.

When this person tried to make me feel petty for my being upset for using my picture and story without my conscent, yeah well, whatever. I am still waiting for a reall apology for that one. I would share the email they sent, but as of now I guess I deleted it. Oh well, I hope they have a fun time.

No matter what it will always be something I feel strongly about.

So with that said, maybe next year I will head out there for some nice beach time, down in Venice. Gotta love that place.

So that is about all for now. we'll see if anything else comes up today.

who am I

2010-02-25T09:40:00.002-05:00

I am a writer, but really am I? It seems the more I say that, the more I am not. There is always something getting in the way of honing my craft. Either it is the "I will get to it soon, or I have to do this first". But in all reality, it never gets done.

I feel like there is no time, and no one really supports me. I know that people say they do, but really? No one is helping me get my script read, or really even reading it. Oh well, I guess I am on my own in this one. Which is fine, but then it comes down to the why bother, cause I never am going to get anywhere with it.

So, do I live with the "what if's?" I suppose so. So my dream, well it is just that, a dream. And where I am right now, dreams are for sleep. And most of them are nightmares.

Basically, since Oct 2008, my life has been a walking nightmare,When the dreaded "autism" word entered my life. Things go from alright to horrid, to good, to the apocalypse.

Since that day, my dreams for myself, and my daughter, well, evaporated. I think maybe I still haven't quite grasped that. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to just be okay with what I have. My heart strives for more, and my mind rebels and says nope, you have to do everything for your kids.

Somedays are so hard to even get my teeth brushed, let alone write.

There are hopeless days that continue to run into one another, so I have no clue where one begins and one ends.

And for those of you that don't live with the autism and everything that goes with it, you will never ever know what it is like. I know you can feel empathy with it, but really, I don't want you to. I know it is wrong of me, but sometimes, I really wish it on certain people.

Don't get me wrong, I never would really want to wish it on anyone, but there are times when things get bad, that I do.

I know they say that God will never give you more then what you can handle, but I think he wasn't talking about this. There are days where, I get so beat up, and where things go so wrong, that I want to take a knife out of the kitchen drawer and stab myself a million times, so I don't have to deal anymore.

I love my kids, but somedays, are like I said the apocalypse, and you always tend to think, that you did something to cause this. Back to the "what if's".

So, yeah....that is me for right now.

Writing? Yeah, what is that? Cause I don't know, and doubt I will anytime soon.