The PhatPhat Memoirs

Domestic Violence Involves Our Youth

2013-10-22T05:36:00.000-05:00

Over the past few weeks I have watched or heard amazing stories related to domestic violence. The one that sticks out the most is that of a teen boy who killed his pregnant girlfriend because he "believed" she was cheating on him. Watching an episode of First 48 I was very surprised as the story unfolded. It is important to understand that domestic violence is not just an issue involving adults, it has unfortunately spread to our youth. The teens were only 16 or 17 years old. Parents have to be aware that dating violence is real and is happening right now. In this episode, the young girls family had no idea that she was dating anyone, nor were they aware that she was expecting a child. When the young male was questioned about the murder, he was very nonchalant and showed no emotion. Detectives asked him why he killed her and he admitted it was because he "knew" she was cheating on him. The young man had no proof of this and the young girl had denied it continuously.
Fortunately, the young girl left behind a journal detailing the things that were going on in the relationship. She noted that he had become physical with her. In an effort to resolve their issues, she agreed to meet her boyfriend outside of her home one night, where he in turn shot and killed her and their unborn child. No remorse was ever expressed by the young man. It appeared that in his mind he was justified merely from the suspicion of her cheating. Two young lives destroyed and gone as well as the life of an unborn child. Why? Because more and more it is seemingly more accepted by society to be involved in domestic violence. I thought back to myself when I was their age and remember becoming a victim during that time. With no direction and placing myself in a position where I had little or no support, I eventually began to think that domestic violence or dating violence was acceptable as well. Gradually in my mind as I continued to gravitate towards those types of relationships, I believed that all relationships involved some type of violence and that some people just don't talk about it. Sadly this is the message that our youth are receiving as well. It is important that we make sure that not only are we creating awareness against Domestic Violence in adults, we have to do so for all ages. The times are continuously changing, for the worse and we must equip ourselves and our youth with the proper education and tools needed to be prepared for the reality of the real world. It is imperative that we familiarize ourselves with the warning signs as well as teach our youth about these dangers as well.
Help Support Domestic Violence Awareness! Let's Change the Statistics!

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

2013-10-01T10:57:00.000-05:00

Good Morning.
Today kicks off Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Domestic Violence affects not just women, but men and children as well. In an effort to help create awareness and provide support to those who may be involved in this situation or know someone who is, I will be blogging and participating in discussions centered around this topic. Sharing my own personal experiences and insight, I invite all to check here for updates. This Thursday, I will be a part of "Marathon of Brokenness to Boldness Stories" presented by Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags. Tune in, chime in, or just listen in. Invite others to listen in on this dynamic discussion.

No News Is Good News

2013-09-04T10:00:00.000-05:00

Good Morning,
Seems like it has been forever since I last checked in here. Actually I have been working on some personal goals and staying focused on those. Over the past few months, I have made yet another transformation. While I have been on a continuous journey of personal growth, the past few months I have been working on one specific target.... a physically healthy me. I began to learn that my mental transformation needed something more to be completely efficient. A few months back, I had the pleasure of attending the Black Women's Expo and that one event helped me to put many things in perspective. For years I have struggled with my weight. With stress, anxiety, abuse, and just the everyday pressures of life, I had allowed those things to have priority in my life, thus increasing my weight. My weight, constantly fluctuated up and down, more often up. When I would say out loud to others that I was fat they always countered with things like "you're not sloppy with it", "you carry your weight well" or "you look fine the size you are, your wouldn't look right smaller." POPPYCOCK! Thanks for trying to pacify me or make me feel secure with being obese, but it's just not healthy.
This is why I have been away from the blog for the past month. Busy working on the next path of my continuous journey. The saying is "No news is good news" so with that being said, although you've heard no news about me in the past few months, I am returning with good news. To date I have lost 48 pounds and several well needed inches. Of course I didn't do it all on my own, which is where my trip to the Black Women's Expo comes in. I heard of a few celebrities that would be at this event that I wanted to see. Two in particular were Faith Evans and Dr. Ian Smith. They were scheduled on the same day so I chose this day to attend. I had watched Dr. Ian on several talk shows and the reality show Celebrity Fit Club. I thought it would be cool to meet him. At the time I was unaware that he had a new book out and just wanted to get an opportunity to meet him. A bookstore that I interact with from time to time was hosting him at their booth for a signing. It must have been fate for me to meet Dr. Ian that day. That is the only way I can describe it when I think back.
I arrived at the event past the time that he was scheduled to be at Da Book Joint. After greeting the owner and staff there, they informed me that Dr. Ian had actually not come down for the signing yet as he was off schedule from some other events that he was hosting at the venue. How fortunate was I to be able to still get in line and await his arrival. In the meantime, I purchased his new book Shred in order to have it signed, not thinking much further than that. As I waited another woman in line begins asking me about the Shred diet stating that she has previously purchased her book and started on the plan herself. Not being a "health junkie" I listened with hesitant interest. I did acknowledge however that I have never been consistent with exercise. Shortly after, Dr. Ian arrived. He looked exactly the same as he did on television, yet he had such a healthy and fit glow about himself that caught my attention. After meeting, shaking hands, getting my book signed, and a few pictures, I was off to watch the Faith Evans concert.

When I arrived home I read the testimonials that were all across the back cover of the book. The next day I picked the book up and began reading it and the light bulb went off in my head. It was now my time to get my weight in check. Of course I was reluctant and even told myself that this would be just as all my other weight loss attempts. I would follow the plan for a week tops before I fell off the wagon. Fortunately for me however, once I finished the explanation of the plan and how this plan doesn't punish you for having an "off" day, my mental process was being conditioned to start and finish successfully. Five days of exercise per week with a maximum requirement of 30-45 minutes, seemed manageable. 6 weeks, 4 inches, 2 dress sizes... it was definitely worth a shot. That was April 6. I decided that the following week I would start my cycle. On April 14th I began my journey and never looked back. There were days that I wanted to stop or got tired on the track, but I pushed myself harder each time those thoughts crossed my mind. By week 3 I really was able to see the results, my work was paying off. In only 3 weeks! At the end of the 6 weeks I had lost 21 pounds and I was elated, to say the least. This motivated me to continue. But I knew I had to do something to keep myself motivated so that I wouldn't just take those 21 pounds as a victory and return to my former habits. I took a week or so off the plan to give myself a break. I gained 2 pounds back and that was enough for me to get back on target and start another Shred cycle. After another successful cycle I was down another 18 pounds and I had finally grasped the concept of living a healthy life, succumbing to this new lifestyle change.

Throughout this entire journey, I learned a lot about myself, about the things that I thought I had moved past in my life. However, every day that I walked the track, I felt a release of more pent up emotions lagging behind me. It felt that every mile I walked; I dropped off another piece of mental baggage. That had to be at least 100 miles ago, but my mind is so clear now and the things that I previously thought were behind me, actually were just now behind me. Now several pounds lighter, a clearer mental prospective, and a new healthy lifestyle, I refuse to return to that previous shell of a body I once possessed. My focus is heightened and I am even more dedicated to doing my work to encourage others. The valuable lesson that I learned is that in order to completely heal and grow, you must work on EVERY single aspect of your life to get to the place you need to be. Healing is a lengthy process that involves not just the mental aspect, but the physical as well. You will be surprised at how much mental weight can be attributed to physical weight. Remain encouraged and be true to yourself. Once this is done, everything else will slowly fall into place. Lovin' the skin I'm in!

XOXO,

PhatPhat

Over the Counter Morning After Pill

2013-05-02T00:24:00.004-05:00

(Photo:Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

In keeping with the emphasis this month on teen pregnancy awareness, I thought this was a good article to share with my readers. The FDA has approved the morning after pill to be available over the counter for girls under the age of 17. While I am all for contraceptives, I must admit I have mixed feelings about this. Of course, we are advocating for our teens to practice either abstinence or safe sex because of the potential to become parents immaturely. However I would have to say that this accessibility to such a drug will invoke more carelessness on the parts of our teens. Most teens are more focused on preventing pregnancy rather than preventing sexually transmitted diseases. Knowing that they can easily go to Walgreens or any other local drug store and purchase this product will only lead to more instances of unprotected sex. Why? Because in the event that contraceptives were not used, they no longer have the worry of "what if". My personal opinion is that this just makes it easier for our impressionable youth to make bad decisions. In certain circumstances, such as rape, this would be ideal. But what about the misinformed teen that adopts the attitude that they can freely have sex without consequences because they have a "get out of jail card" so to speak?
In encouraging our youth and fortifying them with the proper tools to make informed decisions, we have to explore all options and possibilities. Yes this is a legal contraceptive, but it should not be used as an everyday form of contraception. It does not prevent sexually transmitted diseases, and ultimately the only fool proof birth control is abstinence. When this type of birth control is so easily accessible, what can we really say to our teens? A 15 year old with a school i.d. can walk right into a local pharmacy and obtain this pill without a prescription. At the very least, the pill should be available to a "child" under 17 with the consent of a parent which means the parent would be accompanying them to the store and purchasing it for them. I am totally for any form of birth control, however this particular method in my opinion sets our teens up for failure. How will they ever understand the importance of abstinence or birth control if they can be careless and run to the drug store for a quick fix? What message are we really sending? Click the link below and share your thoughts on this new development.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/fda-approves-counter-plan-women-15-older/story?id=19083495

Teen Pregnancy Awareness: Responsibility and Self Image

2013-05-01T18:24:00.001-05:00

Today kicks off Teen Pregnancy Awareness Month. It's almost hard to believe that a year has come and gone so quickly. In the past year however, I have identified some key areas that I believe need to be addressed and emphasized as we continue to encourage our youth to establish boundaries as it pertains to sex and pregnancy overall. Often times we stress our concerns with the teen girls, most likely because they will be the primary caretakers if pregnancy should occur. It's imperative that we urge our teen males to participate in these discussions and preventative measures as well.

In the course of the past year, I have spoken to several groups of teens regarding the consequences of sex as well as the obstacles that one can experience by becoming a parent at a much too early age. Sharing my personal experiences I encourage teens to think before acting as well as keeping a positive attitude if indeed they do become pregnant. Ultimately as parents, mentors, counselors, and others we do not have control over whether our teens engage in sexual activity. With that being said we can only emphasize the preventative and precautionarymeasures to take. It is ultimately up to them to make the right or wrong decision.

Along with arming them with the knowledge and tools to make an informed decision there are other key areas that they will do well to explore. The two specific areas that I have found to be pertinent are responsibility and self image. Both go hand in hand. You have to take responsibility for the images that you portray to others. Some of the images that we portray of ourselves both male and female indicate in which manner other individuals will interact with you. For instance, for a young girl that perhaps dresses provocatively, posts inappropriate pictures of themselves, may be percieved by others as "wild" or "loose." This within itself will give the impression that they can be approached in a way less than respectful by a male. On the other hand, a girl who dresses nice, not too revealing, posts cute and appropriate pictures will be approached in a much different manner. The male who seeks to approach her will think of the appropriate and respectful manner to do so.

This may sound stereotypical, but it is the truth. I have often seen girls offended by the labels that have been assigned to them by their peers, however the labels are based on the images that they have portrayed of themselves. YOU have to take responsibility for the image that YOU have presented. Males as well have to take responsibility for the images that they portray. They receive labels too. Perhaps not as often as the young girls, but they are there. At the end of the day we want our teens to take responsibility for their actions and be responsible for the images they put out for the world to see. If you have an image of being an "easy lay" what type of response do you expect to recieve from your peers? I can not even count the times I have heard my own teen son or his peers speak so negatively and degrading of some of their female counterparts. But if you engage in sexual activity with these same girls, what image are you portraying of yourself? If she's loose or an "easy lay", so are you for taking advantage of the situation just because you think or know that you can.

Teen mothers: DO NOT ALLOW THIS DEFINE YOUR IMAGE! No matter what the circumstances are that you have become a parent at an early age it does not define who you are. It does not mean that sex is your only asset. It is not. It is imperative that you understand and accept this experience as a learning tool. I often tell teen mothers to take this experience as an opportunity to serve somewhat as a mentor to your child so as to help them to make informed decisions. Teach them to take responsibility for their actions and grow. I am emphasizing this based on interaction I recently had with a teen mother. She became pregnant at 14 and gave birth less than a month after her 15th birthday. I was just a year older when I had my first child. (What an experience that has been from then to now). She asked if I disliked her because she was pregnant. Not at all. We all make mistakes, what is important is how we proceed once we acknowledge the mistake. Responsibility! As I got to know her a tad bit more, I began to see the images that she was portraying to the world. Inappropriate pictures on social media sites, inappropriate conversations on social media, etc. However the most alarming display of poor self image was when I observed that she was using sex and pregnancy as a way to keep or reignite the interest of a young male on another social media site. Why? Because she saw him engaging in conversation with another female. This young girl went so far as to threaten to take the boy to court for child support and was basically defaming the young man's character insisting that he was not acknowledging her alleged pregnancy. As a parent and mentor, this disturbed me.

I first attempted to speak with her about the situation. For starters it was clear that this was a cry for attention, the wrong type of attention however. She insisted that she was being honest about the pregnancy and that she was not making these statements and threatens out of anger. Unfortunately, she became disrespectful and informed me that she didn't have time to keep talking to me and that I was only saying these things because I did not like her due to the fact that she had already had a baby. This was far from the case. I wanted her to see the image that she was portraying of herself to the world. The type of negative attention that she was attracting. Most importantly I wanted her to realize that her main focus at this point in life should be her child and finishing school. Being that this was not my child and she began to build animosity, I discontinued my contact with her. Once I did this she sent me a message asking why I no longer would engage with her. I had to be honest and explain that it had nothing to do with having a baby, but it did indeed have everything to do with respect! Being disrespectful to adults and most importantly disrespecting herself. It was clear to me that she was looking for love in all the wrong places. As she repeated again that I just didn't like her because of the baby, something occurred to me. It was not that I had a negative perception of her for becoming a parent early, it was she herself that had taken on this negative image of herself. Somewhere down the road she had let the pregnancy define her. She had made herself believe that she had nothing else to offer but sex. It was because of this negative self image that she felt a need to post explicit photos of herself to attract attention. It was also because of this that she felt that she could use a pregnancy to control someone else as well as transfer that same negative image of herself to the next individual. As she stated in one of the post to the young man, "you're gonna hurt just like you hurt me!"

Some time later I was given the opportunity to speak with her parents. It was a bit disheartening to hear how her parents, specifically her father, described her and her behavior. He (her father) expressed how embarrassing it has been for the past few years because of the labels his daughter has been assigned. He even went so far as to admit that she had no clue to who the father of her child is and that she has lied several times about the alleged father. What a terrible space to be in as a parent. What an even more sad space to be in for the young girl. But at the end of the day, she has to take responsibility for the image that she has portrayed. Only she can take the steps necessary to improve her self image. This can only happen however once she has accepted it and is willing to change.

Based on this situation in particular as well as others, it occurred to me that this is a point that we have to emphasize with our youth. Be responsible for your actions. Be aware of your self image. Once they understand the importance of accepting responsibility for their own actions as well as having AND displaying a positive self image, they will be better equipped to make positive decisions when it pertains not only to sex, but life in general.

The Importance of Positive Male Role Models

2013-03-20T12:59:00.002-05:00

Single parent households and blended families are more of the norm these days. Mothers raising boys to be men and girls to be women. It is often said that a woman can not teach a man how to be a man. In most instances I accept this to be true, because it is a difficult task. For myself, as a single parent of a growing young man, I can relate to the fact that there needs to be a strong, positive role model in a young boy's life to give them a better chance of success. Unfortunately, there have been very few males that have been a part of my life that could have had this positive impact on him. In blended families, we have step parents, step siblings, etc. I think that this gives each individual in this particular setting an opportunity to learn more of how families work together and the benefits associated with such. At times this may not be the most conventional setting, but it does work.
Today, I am posting because over the weekend, while visiting with one of my friends, I learned just how much of an impact a MAN who has taken on the responsibility of raising a MAN that is not biologically his, can have on one's life. It's not often that I get the opportunity to hear an African American male speak so highly of a man that raised him but was not their actual father. In the loss of his mother, my friend emphatically expressed his feelings and emotions regarding his step father. He described his as "a hell of a man!" A man that married his mother and supported her throughout nearly three decades as she raised not only 12 children of her own, but several of her grandchildren as well. His stepfather provided for them, with no complaints. He worked endlessly to provide for them, with no complaints. He molded them and accepted them all as his own, with no complaints. He gave his wife everything she WANTED and NEEDED, with no complaints. Even through crisis and tragedy, he remained steadfast, with no complaints. How many strong Black men do we have who are never acknowledged? Many, I am sure. Just to hear my friend express, with so much conviction, how great of a man his stepfather has been, touched me in so many ways. Like I said, it is not often that I get the opportunity to hear stories like this, so I had to make mention of it today.
Raising a child as your own demonstrates unconditional love and selflessness. Not only to be a provider, but as a mentor, support, and friend are some of the most important qualities that children need as they grow and get prepared for life in general. It may be true that a woman can never teach a boy how to be a man, however, she can position herself and her children in a circle of love and support. It doesn't have to be even her significant other, it can be a family friend, relative, etc. In the society we live in today, these types of support circles and positive role models are fundamental to healthy development. In my opinion, a boy who lacks positive male role models, whether biological or not, will lack the tools needed to become a productive member of society. A mother can not always effectively provide all the tools needed, no matter how diligently she tries. So if you know or see a MAN who is making a positive impact, let him know. Let him know how much his efforts are not only needed, but are appreciated as well.
Nearly every day, there are reports of our youth engaging in criminal activities and being killed. The number one question is usually, "where is the father?" The reality of the situation is that today, many fathers are ABSENT, either voluntarily or involuntarily. Regardless to which, that male presence is needed. It may well be one of the most effective ways to reduce the frightening statistics of losing our youth to the streets. Our youth are lost, have no direction. If more MEN could follow the example of my friend's stepfather, or his 2nd father as he referenced him, just imagine how much of a change we could possibly see in the development of our male youth.
To Mr. B (my friend's stepfather), Kudos and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Your work and efforts are appreciated! I appreciate it, and wish there were more MEN like you.
~PhatPhat~

GOD Takes Care of Fools and Babies... Literally

2013-03-17T14:43:00.002-05:00

Every so often, something happens or comes to my attention that makes me sit in deep thought and just reflect on how blessed I have been to still be here. Often I share my experiences to inspire or encourage others. In some instances, I forget just how many things I have experienced, because it has been a lot.
Late last night, I was watching television. For the last month or so I have been watching the ID channel (Investigation Discovery) periodically. I watch very little television, and when I do, it is primarily shows regarding crime, real life events, investigations, etc. The show I was watching last night was "Nightmare Next Door." Specifically, it detailed the case of Sarah Paulsen, an 8 year old girl who was murdered in Portage, IN. As always, when I see cases being profiled from Indiana, it catches my attention. However this one hit close to home, because I remember when this story first broke back in 1995. It was revealed that there was a serial killer in our midst, Eugene Britt. Back in 1993-1995 I was a chronic runaway. During that time, I lived in a drug infested building with an abusive boyfriend. I was selling drugs and came in contact with a lot of different individuals in that building. I lived in a few different apartments during the 4 or 5 months that I was there. My boyfriend and his friends were drug dealers and used many apartments in the large building. Eventually I settled into one apartment with a couple, they eventually became like my "adoptive" parents, but without rules. Across the hall from them, there was my boyfriend's father's unit, and the unit of Eugene Britt. Eugene Britt was a somewhat quiet, yet friendly individual. He kept to himself. My recollection of him was that of a "gentle giant." He was a large man, very muscular, and traveled daily on his 10 speed bike. I encountered him often. Being a regular in the building, I was familiar with a large majority of the residents there. Eugene Britt was no different. I remember going to his apartment one day to borrow sugar for coffee and he was polite and helpful. After that day, I would go to his apartment from time to time, when I wasn't doing anything and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes with him, engaging in general conversation. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that this man was a killer, let alone a serial killer.
Back when the story of his confession and arrest first hit the media, my mind raced back to those visits I had with him, often wondering what would have happen to me if I had encountered him during his killing spree. While writing my book "Lost in Rebellion" I drifted back to those moments and rejoiced inside about how fortunate I was to have not became one of his victims. As I watched the program last night, my thoughts began to race again. Watching his tactics and how he raped and killed this little innocent girl, I couldn't help but wonder again, what if that was me. This man nonchalantly admitted to killing Sarah Paulsen along with 9 other women in our immediate area. Why was I spared? How did I escape? My only explanation... God looks after FOOLS and BABIES! I fit both of those categories during that time. I exhibited foolish behaviors, put myself in compromising circumstances, and in actuality I was still a baby, 14 or 15 years old.
It's because of instances such as the case of Eugene Britt, that I feel even more empowered and MANDATED to share my experiences. Running away is NOT the answer. Running away, puts you at a high risk to be abused, violated, and in extreme cases, murdered. Keeping in mind that my days of running away date back 20 years, times have changed and are 20 times worse than they were then. The risks associated with this behavior are even greater. Being rebellious and unruly could have costs me my life, not just in this particular situation, but in many others. Some of those life threatening experiences happen right in the same building where a "nightmare" was right across the hall.
Everyone doesn't get the opportunity to escape and live to tell the story. For my teens who currently have fallen prey to the behavior of running away, THINK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF YOU LIFE! Are the risks associated with running away worth the possibility of losing your life or being put in dangerous circumstances? Not at all. God looks out for FOOLS and BABIES, however don't take it lightly and assume that you will automatically will be spared. Learn your purpose, we all have one! I thank GOD for sparing me and giving me the opportunity to find my purpose and share my experiences with others to serve as a support.
~PhatPhat~

Help Yourself First

2013-03-06T09:31:00.003-06:00

Greetings! Thus far this week has been very interesting. For starters, here we are close to spring and receive a truckload of snow, something I had been trying to wish away every since news reports began indicating its arrival. More importantly however, I have been working on the next two installments in the PhatPhat Memoirs book series. As I have embarked on my new journey these past couple of years, the response and feedback has been tremendous. With that being said, today I decided to post based on some of the feedback I recieved in the latest article that I was featured in. I blogged about it a couple of days ago. The article was specifically related to the judicial system and how it handles cases of domestic violence here in this particular county in Indiana. Many barriers exist when it pertains to the issue in general. As indicated in the article, many victims share similar traits.
In inclusion of my experiences in this article, it was noted that after all the violent encounters I had with my abuser, I later married him! Jaw dropper huh? Not really. Definitely to onlookers and outsiders, this would be a foolish step to take. Honestly I can say that I would share the same sentiment if I were an outsider looking in as well. However, as I have noted previously, the dynamics of domestic violence are so broad, it is difficult for not only the victims to comprehend their actions at times, but to others as well. For those who work directly in this field, I'm sure that they would say this is not uncommon.
One of the main contributing factors in domestic violence is the issue of control. In my many experiences, I have allowed the abuser to exercise that control over me. This comes from years of continuous abuse at different levels, fear, lack of value for self, and issues with self esteem. Abusers have an ability to reverse the roles and "brainwash" you, so to speak, in to believing that you are responsible for the actions against you. Or that it's not really you that's the problem, but that they have their own issues and certain things that you may be doing are causing the abuser to act out their anger and frustrations on you. This is entirely UNTRUE!
For me, I was sucked into the sob story of how he had been abused in his life before, no one has ever been there for him, his relationship with mother was damaged, "baby mama's" stressing him out... and the list went on and on. As I look back on the situation, none of that had ANYTHING to do with me! I was not responsible for his damaged relationship with his mother. I wasn't responsible for the drama he claimed to be experiencing with his children's mothers. I wasn't responsible for the past abuse that he claimed to have experienced as a child. But in my weakness, I took all of these issues into consideration and allowed his level of control to persuade me into thinking that, if I tried to work it out and seek counseling with him, and just basically be there for him, things could change. However the truth of the matter is, none of these reasons are acceptable to abuse anyone! You can not change anyone, change comes from within, not from another individual. More importantly, if you have unresolved issues within yourself, you definitely can not HELP ANYONE ELSE, BEFORE HELPING YOURSELF FIRST!
In making that point, I urge both victims AND abusers to seek help. Address your own issues first. Never be ashamed of any actions or decisions you make. Use each and every experience as a tool to overcome your obstacles. It is the key to developing a HEALTHIER YOU. Face your fears head on. There is strength in overcoming your fears! Overcome your obstacles to achieve your goals!
~PhatPhat~

Barriers in Domestic Violence

2013-03-04T09:51:00.001-06:00

In domestic violence situations it is important that the victim's voice be heard. Not just by the family or friends of the victim, but the judicial system as well. While the bill was passed to continue the Violence Against Women Act in February, more still has to be done. A few months ago I sat down with Monte Martin who was gathering data for a series of articles that are being currently ran in the The Times newspaper. These articles focus on the process of obtaining restraining orders, rates of victims that report instances of abuse, and more importantly, to me, why victims remain or return to these situations.
The fact of the matter is that many people do not have a strong support system, they are living in fear, or flat out brainwashed by their abuser. Not only that, here in this area, the process for obtaining protective/restraining orders seem to vary from court to court. Being that I have been in a few unhealthy and violent relationships myself, I have first hand knowledge that the way one is treated by the legal system plays an integral part in how victims proceed. In one instance, I went to obtain a restraining order against a man I was involved with that was physically abusive and stalking me. Determined to get him out of my life and lift this cloud of fear that was over me, I went to the County Court and filed for an emergency order of protection. I was seen by a judge right then and there. The judge asked me several questions to determine the severity of my situation. I was granted an immediate order of protection. It was just me, the judge, and the other court officers. Of course this didn't cease the harassment that I was recieving, however, it gave me the leverage and sense of safety that I needed.
In contrast, when confronted with a similar situation later in life, I opted to go to my local City Court. What a vast change that was! I already had a few police reports to substantiate my claims to stress the urgency for a protective order. I was granted a "temporary" order of protection. In this instance, the order was only effective for 2 weeks until a hearing could be held with not just myself, but with my abuser as well. I remember thinking to myself, I wonder how this is going to work out. Imagine my surprise when the court date arrived and it was merely a "meeting" with the judge, myself, and him. No security, no bailiff, no other people. Confined in a small office, sitting next to my abuser- an arm's length away, how could I honestly respond? I wasn't afraid of him doing anything to me inside the judges office persay, but I knew that my answers would determine how my day would end. The judge didn't know him, but I did. I knew that if I would be bold enough to say that I was still in fear and didn't agree that the order should be lifted, I would be bold enough to get my ass whooped later! What did the judge really expect me to say? If a victim has felt threatened enough to request an order, more than likely they are in fear of being severely hurt. Why put them in such a compromising situation?
Within 2 weeks of lifting that protection order, I almost lost my life. In a fit of rage and jealousy, my abuser broke into my home and attacked me. In a struggle to keep him away from me, I was hit in my head with a hammer. Why? Because I was distancing myself from the situation. Not responding to phone calls, not answering my door when he would show up unexpectedly, and because I no longer had a protection order. I will never forget that day or what the officers said to me after they struggled to contain my ex, who was fighting and combative with them as well. "Why did you lift the restraining order? You are lucky to be alive. Most women who lift restraining orders end up dead!" While this is a thought provoking statement, you have to look at the overall picture!
True enough, the decision to end an order of protection may not have been a smart move, but in my eyes it was a SAFE move. What individuals fail to realize is that the cycle of abuse is complex. It is a platform for an abuser to gain control of their victim. As time progresses, a victim will become conditioned to this way of life and their thought process will begin to center around only the abuser. Brainwashing to an extent. That element of control that the abuser has gained is powerful. The abuser often has gained control of the situation by making the victim feel responsible for the abuse. In doing so, the victim may feel a sense of guilt and begin to make excuses for their abuser. Following that thought process, if not provided with the right feedback or support, they will retreat back to that lifestyle and in many instances, suffer in silence.
As I spoke with Monte and began reading the articles published thus far in his series, lack of support from officers and judges as well seem to center as one of the primary reasons why victims don't report instances of abuse and remain with or return to their abusers. While this is not the only reason victims, as well as myself, cite as their point of reasoning, it does play an integral part. Feeling helpless at home, it can be very discouraging if the correct response is not received when seeking help. For the most part ,victims of domestic violence seem to be stereotyped in many instances. Due to the vicious cycle of abuse and the many individuals that return to these situations, at times officers or court officials are less sympathetic to their circumstances. Understandably so, however, it is imperative that such officials ensure that they are familiar with the various highs and lows associated with domestic violence. In doing so, it is possible that they will better support victims, increasing their strength and trust in the justice system. This may not help in all situations, however it will be more effective than not. Check out the series here: http://www.nwitimes.com/news/local/lake/gary/paper-protection-power-and-control-dynamic-sets-batterers-apart/article_9ad1a240-8b0c-51be-bea0-cdbbdfe851b8.html as the issues are explored.

Cleaning Out My Closet

2013-02-26T20:03:00.001-06:00

Today started off as usual, nothing pressing this morning, just a regular day. Shortly after getting myself going though, I felt a need to make a change. In order to do so I began cleaning out my closets. This is something that I do usually at least once a year. Typically, I never do it this early in the year however. But I am so glad that I did because, it gave me so many ideas for my upcoming writings and reminders of the life I used to live. I often say that healing and change within an individual is a continuous and never ending process. So what did I discover today? One thing that I learned was that I have A LOT of purses... lol. I used to carry purses all the time, but over the years I have stopped, because I usually have my wristlet and my laptop bag, so there's no need for any extra baggage. Wasn't expecting me to say I had a lot of purses huh? Well I did and I got rid of them.
Some of those purses were given to me by my ex-husband. Tucked away, hidden, were these purses, because I don't like many reminders of him. What I realized though, is that hiding the purses and momentos doesn't erase the pain, it just surpresses it. As I continued sifting through papers, paperwork, cards, and letters, I found a few other things relating to him.
When I first made the decision to finally rid myself of this abusive relationship, I gradually began to throw things out. Unfortunately, I missed a few things. Actually, it wasn't quite so unfortunate, because now those few items served as a reminder. All the years I was with my ex-husband weren't bad. There were those times early on when everything was great, but things grew worse and worse as the years passed. Occasionally happy times, but outweighed by the bad.
For most individuals, leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most difficult, frightening and even dangerous decisions that one will face. I love to write and I use writing as an escape as well as an alternate form of communicating. Initially when I was strong enough to stand up for myself and told him to leave, he accused me of not trying hard enough to make the relationship work. He accused me of sleeping with someone else behind his back, etc. I knew I was making the right decision, but that little voice in the back of my head nagged at me that maybe I hadn't tried hard enough to save the relationship. I knew that wasn't the case, but still engulfed in his way of thinking and brainwashing, I questioned myself just a tad bit. But like I always say, "there is strength in overcoming fear." I am a firm believer in that. Each step you take to overcome the fear of something, no matter how minute of a step it may be, gives you strength to take another step. Step by step you are empowered to achieve your goal.
Beatings, injuries, cheating, children outside the relationship/marriage, and a plethora of other issues, how come I hadn't done everything to save the relationship? That doubtful thinking didn't last too long. Everytime I thought about second guessing myself, I made myself remember one of those beatings or the hurt I felt with each instance of infidelity. I say this to say that in cleaning out my closet today, many things were reaffirmed for me. I have changed. I have acknowledged and accepted my self worth. I AM A BETTER PERSON TODAY! As I sifted through a few old cards and letters, I realized how I had allowed this man to consume my entire life. A life that was ultimately filled with lies, abuse, and false hope. A life that I almost lost! Not realizing my own worth, I lowered my standards. Today I realized that although I missed throwing out some of the letters and other momentos, they were missed for a reason. Those few items were left as reminders of the past life that I once lived. A reminder of who is most important... ME! A reminder of what I never want to degrade myself to again. I have overcome that fear of being alone! Fear of rejection! Fear of change! I will never subject myself to that again, because overcoming my fear has strengthened me to be a better person. The person I am today, is a person in transition, continuing to make positive changes for my own betterment. I AM ME and that is just fine... I'm cleaning out my closet and it feels good!
~PhatPhat~

Rewards Beyond Measure

2013-01-14T18:04:00.001-06:00

I am always anxious to share good news. I am always encouraged when I see that someone has gained insight or found some form of benefit from me sharing my story. I have talked to many teens and youth programs about teen pregnancy, consequences of sex, and many other issues that affect the youth that I have had my own struggles with. Each time that I do so, there is always either at that time or shortly after a teen or even an adult that was present who tells me how much they can relate to or benefit from me candidly sharing my experiences and offering hope and enouragement. Just to hear those individuals speak to me or commend me on my efforts, is rewarding within itself. One can never measure those feelings, because the feeling has an impact in a different way in each instance.
I say that because last night I experienced that rewarding feeling and I can barely put into words the emotions and satisfaction that I now feel from it. If you have been following this blog, you may have read a few instances where I reference my own child who struggles with some of the same issues that I have in the past as well as many teens also who share these issues. I have been pushing for him to read my last book PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion for quite some time now. Even more so after his last instance of getting into trouble. One of my main purposes for writing my memoir was not only to inspire others, but to also give both of my children somewhat of a blueprint of my past. In doing so I wanted them both to gain insight into things that they may not have understood or known about me. Because I had so many struggles and turbulent experiences I did not make a lot of good choices as it pertains to life in general.
I, at this point, do not have much of a relationship with my daughter, who has been and continues to be raised by another family member, but I hope that she will take the opportunity to read the book as well, it was dedicated to her and her brother. In the meantime, my son has began reading the book and is at about the half point. Over the years I have shared some of my experiences with him as it related to his own volatile behavior. These behaviors included running away, disregard for authority, and stealing, just to name a few. While he may have heard what I was saying, he showed me that he was not listening, as he continued down the wrong path. Regardless to all the preventive measures I took, cried to him, shared my experiences, looked for other outlets, nothing seemed to phase him. Nothing seemed to get through to him. Even as recent as a month ago, I can honestly say that nothing seemed to reach him.
Fast forward to the last few days. He has been reading my book off and on for about 2 weeks now. At first I could see that he was apprehensive about completing it only after a few pages. He expressed that he could hardly take reading about a rape scene because I was his mother. I understood that but I encouraged him to continue reading. Don't focus on the hurt that I experienced in that incident, as I have released myself from that hurt and turmoil. I further warned him that that particular experience was mild and that he would read things much worse, so be prepared. Try not to look so much at the person in the story, but try to gain the lesson. He was reluctant to continue,but he gradually continued his reading. Everyday or every other day, he would ask me a question or comment on something he found humorous.
Before I go any further, I have to say that my son is very closed and its often like manually taking down a building brick by brick to get him to open up. Increased communication is something that I have been trying to work on with him. Last night, he came into my room and had a look of distraught and sadness and I could see the tears in his eyes. Taken by surprise, I was curious as to what was wrong. When I inquired, he asked for a hug. He asked for the hug and was silent as we embraced. He held me so tight and kissed me on my cheek, it was then that I felt the tears touch my face. I again asked what was wrong. He replied that he had a lot on his mind. He went on to express what he thought about some things in the book regarding his father. But what touched me the most was how he apologized for all the things he has "been taking me thru." He told me how now more than ever it was clear that I really loved him and that from day one I have always been there for him. With these statements, a real conversation ensued and I was able to talk to him in a manner much deeper than I think I have ever been able to before. After that heartfelt discussion with him I felt the release of some of his pain, as well as his acquisition of knowledge and understanding that he has probably never felt before. I am finally starting to reach him, slowly but surely. The feeling I felt afterwards was rewarding beyond measure. Being able to reach my OWN child gave me more satisfaction than I could ever imagine. READING IS FUNDAMENTAL :)
~PhatPhat~

Free Preview of "Lost in Rebellion"

2013-01-10T11:24:00.000-06:00

I have set up a preview of my last book PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion in order to get feedback from potential readers. Please click on the link, check out the preview, and leave your honest feedback. Share the link with other fellow readers! I look forward to your comments. Be honest and objective. Your thoughts and feedback only help me perfect my craft. Happy reading.
https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1116757

Look forward to hearing from you all!
Enjoy the rest of your day.
~PhatPhat~

A Prosperous Year

2012-12-31T19:34:00.000-06:00

As the clock winds down until the end of 2012 I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank everyone who showed support of the PhatPhat Memoirs project this year. Your support is what made this experience so rewarding. The journey to becoming a published author was and continues to be exciting. I met some fantastic people along the way. In traveling down this path I learned so many things about myself and opened myself to a whole new world. The feedback I recieved was so positive which assured me that I have made the right decision in sharing my story, my experiences to help others. Hoping that the new year will be just as rewarding for not only myself, but everyone as well. As you close the year, take a minute to reflect back on the important things, the things that made an impact in your life. Each experience, whether positive or negative will guide you to the greater things that are intended for you. Wishing everyone a Happy, Prosperous, and Productive New Year!
~PhatPhat~

Stalking: Another Form of Abuse

2012-12-03T16:58:00.002-06:00

According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, the verb form of the word stalk means to "to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment." When someone makes an individual the object of stalking, it presents a life and death situation. From many aspects, the victim is in short, haunted and tormented by someone that they may or may not know. In either case, both the victim and the aggressor are at risk. A victim of stalking can become paralyzed with fear and it eventually changes the course of their everyday life. In the most severe circumstances, an individual who becomes a victim of stalking, must alter their regualr routines, take extra precautions to ensure the safety of themselves and those around them. This is so because stalking presents itself in many forms. A few of these forms include but are not limited to unwanted or unsolicited phone calls, showing up uninvited to places where the individual may be, following or spying on an individual without their knowledge. This is another form of abuse. Stalking affects one's ability to function and also plays on their emotional well being.
Stalking in some instances becomes a part of domestic violence. As a domestic violence survivor myself, I have experienced the intensity of stalking. Frightening is an understatement as it relates to what the experience feels like. Not being able to live without looking over your shoulder and fearing for not only the safety of yourself but those around you, alters your life in more ways than one. In the follow up to my book PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion, I will take you in depth into the life of being stalked by an intimate partner. While stalking is an uncomfortable situation regardless to the setting, it appears to have more damagine effects when this behavior is exhibited by an intimate partner. Not only is the victim afraid, but those around them as well. In contrast, those around an individual being stalked in some instances run an equal or higher risk of being hurt. Stay posted as more facts about stalking are revealed here on the blog as well as excerpts from my upcoming book in the PhatPhat Memoirs series. Tips on identifying the signs of stalking behavior, resources, and how to be proactive if you are in this situation will be explored. As with other issues, we have to create awareness in order to effectively tackle the problem head on.
~PhatPhat~

Love, Sex, and Violence: Harriet Cammock Show

2012-12-03T10:26:00.003-06:00

Take a listen as TJ "PhatPhat" Myricks sits down with Harriet Cammock for an in depth discussion regarding the issues involved with intimate partner violence.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-harriet-cammock-show/2012/11/30/the-harriet-cammock-show-love-sex-and-violence

PhatPhat Memoirs on KOBO

2012-11-26T13:29:00.001-06:00

Did you know that the PhatPhat Memoirs book series is available on KOBO? Grab a copy today!
http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/PhatPhat-Memoirs-Series-Rent-Own/book-DCgOzIEYEEGiYuV-553Pgg/page1.html?s=cAKv9aPivEq9noTEPTHTnw&r=1

http://www.kobobooks.com/search/search.html?q=%22PhatPhat+Memoirs%3A+Lost+in+Rebellion%22

#myreadersmotivateme

I Live It... #NRPM2012

2012-11-13T17:32:00.002-06:00

Greetings to all my readers and followers. As promised, I am dedicating my blog this month to National Runaway Prevention Month. Things have been a bit hectic for me, but I am compelled today to share yet another reason why this issue is so important to me. Not only is it because I am a former chronic runaway, but because, as a parent, I have also had to deal with this issue with my own child. In past post I have identified some of the reasons and risk factors associated with running away and youth homelessness. Let's review some of the information.
1. 1 in 7 youth ages 10-18 will run away
2. These youth are more susceptible to high risk behaviors such as (a) Survival Sex (b) Engaging in Criminal Activity (c) Suicide
3. Some youth choose to leave home because of domestic violence, physical/sexual abuse, or divorce in the home.

These are some of the things that I have already highlighted previously this month. However, in order to gauge this crisis just a bit deeper, I wanted to point out some of the other statistics that are related to youth who run away from home. Prior research has indicated that 75% of youth that run away from home either have dropped out or will drop out of high school. These same youth run a higher risk of severe anxiety and depression, suicide, and having low self esteem. Additionally, these individuals also have a higher risk of remaining homeless and being resistant to change.
When I look at all of this information, I take a minute to process it first, then relate it how I felt during my times of running away. After I gather my thoughts, I then try to make a comparison to how it effects me now with my own child. As most people who are familiar with my writing, I emphasize the need to "revisit your past to determine your future." With that being said, that's exactly what I had to and continue to do as I sort through the difficulties that my son is experiencing now.
Much like myself, my son who is now 16, began running away from home at about age 12 or 13. When I look back to that time, I have to put things in perspective.
1. I was in an abusive relationship
2. My son had a distant/strained relationship with his father
3. He was showing signs of depression
4. He began having suicidal ideations
5. He appeared angry and easily frustrated
6. He was excessively truant from school
Then I looked at what tactics I used to fix the situation.
1. I talked to him about some of my worst experiences while being on the run
2. I sought counseling for him
3. I enrolled in activities to channel his anger- boxing, then karate
When these things didn't work, and I reached my wits end, I sent him to live with his father. That seemed to be one thing that was really bothering him. In my eye, when I was younger, I longed for a relationship or attention from my father, so I thought maybe that was what would help him, work through his issues. Needless to say, that wasn't the solution, he eventually ran away from his father as well.
Soon the problems began to escalate. Running away became more frequent for him. He was choosing the wrong friends and being easily influenced. Drug and alcohol use was becoming evident. Completely failing in school. Before long, his actions began to have more police involvement. As a parent, I tried to make sure that I was doing everything I could to get help for him, but nothing seemed to work. He would do good for a while and then fall right back into the same behavior. This went on for a couple years, in and out of counseling, constant school suspensions, until one day he was being accused of battery and was summoned down to the police station to bring him in for questioning. I thought that the possibility of facing criminal charges would straighten him up, but it didn't. By the time he was 14 he was back and forth in Juvie, on probation, on house arrest. He had no cares in the world about what was happening to his life. He continued to be resistant to change.
After unsuccessfully completing any probation requirements, he was sent to a residential facility. Because of his background the judge decided that it was more suitable for him to be in an environment that was both secure and therapeutic. Very remininscent to my own experience. I was deemed a danger to myself and the community and a flight risk, so I was placed out in the middle of no where, yet in a therapeutic setting. Of all the previous attempts to curb the behavior and help through the underlying issues, this seemed to be the best place for him. He was making good progress. Maturity seemed to be evolving. Eventually he began getting focused on his education, and a little less than a year after he was sent there, he had successfully completed the program. Discharge was in his immediate near future.
Although I was pleased and impressed with his progress, I had doubts that he was actually ready to come home. But, I didn't force the issue. He completed the program, I saw a lot of positive changes in him, and I wanted to be supportive. Brennan returned home two weeks after his 16th birthday. As a parent, I wanted to ensure that he had a fighting chance for success. In making sure he succeeded, I enrolled him in school in a different town. A more diverse area, an area where he could be influenced by more positives than negatives. Away from the peers he so commonly allowed himself to be influenced by. Slowly but surely things were looking up. Frustrated with school and being so far behind, he met a lot obstacles and wanted to give up several times and just get a GED. However, I continued to encourage him to try harder. He was making plans that most 16 year olds begin to make. Wanted to find a job, get his driver's license, and start saving for a car. As he expressed these goals to me, I noticed that, although these were good and age appropriate goals, he was lacking the correct thought process. He had goals, yet no plan of action to achieve the goals. I continued to reiterate to him that, you have to have a plan.
Less than 60 days after he returned home from the placement facility, 45 days after he started school and just barely making it 90 days into being 16 years old, I was hit with the shock of my life. My biggest fear had came to be. His actions had amplified my fear of him not being ready to come home. Again he had allowed his association and his failure to think things through to get into trouble... yet again. For years I had preached to him "One day you're going to get yourself into something that neither I or anyone else can get you out of." That day arrived. He, at age 16, was being charged as an adult. He could have easily prevented this had he followed his own mind, took that second that I tell everyone it takes to think, and most importantly, stayed at home... where he was supposed to have been. I now start another journey....
I took time to share this experience with you, my readers, during this time, because it fully demonstrates the points that are highlighted, when we speak of increasing awareness to the crisis of run away youth. I also want you, my readers, to understand that I share ALL my experiences in order to let individuals know that they are not the only ones going thru. I don't want to only share my triumphs, I want to share the good, bad and uncomfortable. So while I advocate for our youth because of what I went through, I advocate for youth and parents, because we ALL need support. This is my way of providing or making myself available to any and everyone I can in any WAY I can. We have to work together collectively to help our youth. I dont just write about it... I LIVE IT!

PhatPhat Memoirs:Progression: Running away isn’t the right answer - Post-Tribune...

2012-11-09T13:59:00.001-06:00

PhatPhat Memoirs:Progression: Running away isn’t the right answer - Post-Tribune...: Today I would like to share this column from the local newspaper. It caught my attention right away. After reading the teens letter, I could...

High Risk Behaviors: Unprotected Sex and Multiple Sex Partners #NRPM2012

2012-11-05T12:35:00.000-06:00

Females are more susceptible to being a runaway or homeless youth. As a former chronic runaway myself, I have seen and experienced or engaged in many high risk behaviors. These behaviors were dangerous at that time and as times have changed, the seriousness of these actions are heightened. In the excerpt below from my book, PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion, I recall in detail an encounter that led to both unprotected sex and multiple sex partners. Occurrences such as these continue to be factors for concern as we address the issue of runaway prevention. Please read and share your thoughts, comments, or experiences. We can all bring attention and awareness to this "silent crisis" in some form of fashion.
Fact: Females and males both engage in high risk behaviors that include unprotected sex and multiple sex partners.
Fact: 75% of runaways are female

"My parents had said they didn't want me back at home, so I was sent here in a matter of weeks. This time it was to an all-girls place. It was in one of the neighboring cities that was predominantly White. They assumed that this would ensure that I didn't run away and I would do better in the school there. Of course that didn't work or last long at all. I think I stayed there about 3 months before I ran away the first time. I didn't stay gone long before I got caught and was sent back there. Mostly all the girls there were Black and I had a few friends because they had either been locked up with in juvenile or I had met them at a previous place with the same circumstances. I had fun there, but I still was too buck-wild to be locked up following their rules. I got my first tattoo at that place. You know the old school tats, the ink pen case, with the sewing needle, with thread wrapped all around it to catch the excess ink. That was the most excruciating tattoo I ever got in my life. To top it all off, the pain became so unbearable that I told the girl who was doing it to stop for the night and we would finish it the next day. Ha! That never happened because she ran away the next day. Left me with an unfinished tattoo, which was going to be my nickname, but fell short of the complete spelling by two funky ass letters. I was getting tired and restless day by day while I was there. School had started back and in the house I had about six girls that I was tight with. Two of the girls were sisters and I had known them from school. There was another girl that I had been close to from the Crisis Center my parents had sent me to in the past. She was older and was like a big sister to me. Eventually I, the two sisters and a couple other girls decided to come up with an escape plan. We decided that the best and safest way to escape would be to leave from school. We had to find someone at school, a white kid, with a car, that would give us a ride. The sisters, Teenie and Tiny said they had a few people that they thought would agree. Teenie was the eldest of the two sisters and she was the same age as me. Tiny, was too scared to run and decided she was gonna stay. Teenie had everything worked out she said, all we needed was a ride. Supposedly, her boyfriend and his friends had a place for us to stay. Supposedly...

We hustled all week to get up money and sneak clothes to school to keep in our lockers, so we would be ready the day we decided to leave. I was getting money damn near every day off those white, well to do kids. They were just so naive and trusting. In one class, I had a girl who at Dairy Queen. The silly girl kept money on her. I wasn't cool with her but she sat in front of me in one of my classes. One day I asked her to let me see the pictures she had attached to her wallet. Why would she do that? She must have just gotten paid or something, because I looked at the pictures and politely took the $70 or $80 she had in there. I don't know when she realized it was gone, but I didn't give a fuck about it. I was moving on to the next victim. The next day or so, I hit the girls’ lockers in gym class. That was definitely the hit of a lifetime. I must have hit about 5 or 6 lockers and every last one of them had money. Some a little, some a lot. Either way, I had enough money for when we planned to make the move a few days from then.

When the few days passed and we were ready, Teenie had found somebody to give us a ride for $5 and a pack of cigarettes. The four of us left and got dropped off in the hood close to where Teenie's friends would pick us up. They came and picked us up and we hung out, getting drunk as hell and having a good little time. Unfortunately, Teenie had lied and shit wasn't as sweet as she had led us to believe. Yeah, she had a place to stay, but it didn't include all four of us. The one dude she was actually talking to supposedly lived with his sister. I’m still not sure if he even lived there, but that's where we were going to be staying. That didn't last but a day or so because the sister was not feeling the idea of harboring runaways, which was understandable. Next, Teenie told us about some other guys she was cool with and they came and picked us up. ANOTHER group of losers just worried about giving us as little as possible to get what they could from us. At first they seemed cool, but that changed after a day or so. I don't know where Teenie was meeting these people from, but she clearly had been misled and fucked with a lot of no good as niggaz!!

We had made it out of the school and to our destination with no problems. But the problems were lurking just around the corner. One of the conspirators on my team had assured us that she had a place for us to stay with her older boyfriend and his friends. Allegedly they had their own apartment or house and it was cool for us to camp out there. We found out almost instantly that this was far from the case. Not only did they not have a place for us to stay, but they had other plans for us as well. We would be available to meet their needs in whatever way they felt fit. This involved a lot of drinking, drugs and sex. I hadn’t signed up for this or perhaps I was just being naïve. The first night with them was the eye opener and I soon learned that I had gotten myself in way over my head. Fear was not an emotion I was accustomed to. After being raped a year or so prior, I had pretty much turned off my emotions. This situation was no different. I had developed somewhat of a hard exterior by then. Rarely showed emotion and always had to prove that I was no punk.

On either the first or second night of hanging out with the guys, Teenie’s friends decided to challenge me in drinking. One of the guys dared me to drink a fifth of Wild Irish Rose nonstop as he drank a 40 ounce. Foolishly I took on the dare, thinking nothing of it. In my eyes it was just the same. I actually saw the fifth of Rose as being a smaller quantity. Little did I know the difference in the effects of drinking either one. I guzzled down that Rose like a champ! Shortly thereafter, I found out why he had been so willing to take me on. I was drunk off my ass. Passing out and all. The other girls hadn’t been dared and good thing they weren’t. Before long I was being passed around the whole crew, having no say in anything. Not having any control over my body, unable to protect myself, unable to run, I was trapped. I passed in and out of consciousness, able to see a different guy on top of me every time I opened my eyes. I will never be able to fully describe what I felt that night or ever be able to put words to the feelings. I lost any part of innocence that I may have still had that night. The girls hadn’t tried to help me, they sat and watched and continued chilling as if nothing had even happened. Teenie even declared me stupid for allowing that to happen to me. I was ready to go…back to the girls’ home, somewhere isolated, anywhere but there."

Risk Factors: Survival Sex #NRPM2012

2012-11-02T13:05:00.004-05:00

As promised, I am sharing another snippet from PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion that relates to one of my many experiences as a chronic runaway:

Fact:
*Runaways/Homeless Youth have an increased likelihood of engaging in survival sex.
*Higher risk for having unprotected sex.

Excerpt:

I really didn’t want to go back to my father’s house, I was tired of getting bounced back and forth like this, even though it from my own doing. So I did what I did best, I ran again. I had to be solo; I couldn’t live with either of them at all. My mind frame was totally out of whack. I knew it was going to be the same thing all over again, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about not having anywhere to go, or where I would lay my head at night. I was just out there. Still determined to be grown and “on my own”, I did whatever I had to and could do not to have to return home. I was stealing clothes here and there from stores, walking around looking dirty and like a bum. Some days I would go into the Subway and use their restroom, to wash my body. Can you imagine, a young girl out in the streets, like a homeless person? The only difference was I wasn't out begging, but I might as well have been because I was doing everything else. Why was I continuing to put myself in such a vulnerable position? I was still walking the streets. One night, while walking through my own neighborhood, which is where I mostly was, I encountered a guy driving. He pulled up next to me and asked where I was going. I didn't have a real response, so I just said I was out taking a walk. Dude offered me a ride, said we could just kick it for a little while. I guess he knew I was on bullshit and saw his opportunity. I found myself in the same compromising position I had been in too many times before. He had liquor and weed, but I declined to partake, calling myself being cautious. Of course that didn't save me. General conversation was all I cared about at that time and I was just tired of walking. It felt good to be riding and that was pretty much all that was on my mind. There was a park on the other side of town where people usually hung out and they often had different events there. It had to be about 1 am by now and the small talk had just about ended. He had pulled into the park and backed his car in close to one of the shelters. There were a few other cars out there scattered throughout the park, but I noticed that he seemed to make a special effort to park where we were hardly in view of others. The small talk immediately shifted to an aggressive sexual tone and he began to demand sex. All I could think to myself was WHY? WHY AGAIN? WHY ME? I gotta give up some ass, for a ride, without even having a destination, I was fed up!

My Intro #NRPM2012

2012-11-01T12:13:00.002-05:00

Greetings to all my readers! Today officially kicks off National Runaway Prevention Month. In an effort to help increase awareness of this issue, I will be posting excerpts from my book PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion that details various accounts or experiences that I have had as a chronic runaway. In doing so I hope that my experiences will help to promote the dangers that are associated with being a runaway, various issues that influence youth to run away from home, as well as provide support to anyone who is currently dealing with this. Not only do the youth need assistance and support, but parents, relatives, and others in general as well. Many times the underlying issues are not easily visible. We must be well informed and kept abreast on the the signs that a youth is at risk, prevention methods, and other needed resources. In being informed and aware, we must become familiar with the topic. Read today's excerpt and leave your thoughts or comments.
#NRPM2012

Excerpt from Lost in Rebellion:

I don’t remember ever sitting around thinking about running away. I just got fed up one day and decided to leave. I was tired of arguing with my mother. We weren’t able to see eye to eye on anything. My parents were divorced by the time I was 5. My mother had been a Jehovah’s Witness ever since. When I was younger, it wasn’t all that bad, wasn’t all that great either, but it was bearable. As I began to get older and realize how limited my life was compared to others, I began to resent the religion. The more I resented the religion the more I resented my mother. I blamed her and the religion for everything. That was the reason my daddy had left, because she wanted to be with Jehovah so bad. That was why I couldn’t celebrate birthdays and holidays, because Jehovah said it wasn’t right. I couldn’t participate in extracurricular activities because it involved “worldly” association and the list went on and on. When I was old enough to be recognized by my peers while in field service (knocking on doors), it was a wrap. I denounced my mother and the religion. I told people that I was adopted and that my adoptive mother made me do all the Jehovah’s Witness stuff, it was no part of me. It just was no fun having to tell my art teacher I couldn’t make a ghost for Halloween because we don’t celebrate that. Or having to go to the library on days when there was a Christmas party because we didn’t celebrate that either. I started cursing at a very young age, anything for it to be known that I was no Jehovah’s Witness. By the time I was in 2nd grade I was cursing like a sailor. I had to keep that image going. It wasn’t just at school; it was within the family as well. Nobody related to this religion and no one was too receptive to it. Even when family members gave me a gift for my birthday or Christmas, I would have to call them and let them know that I’d be sending it back because we don’t celebrate holidays. It was too unbearable for me at such an early age that by the time I was becoming a preteen, it was complete nonsense to me and I certainly wanted no parts.

National Runaway Prevention Month 2012

2012-10-29T15:15:00.012-05:00

The month of November is National Runaway Prevention Month. Runaway prevention is an issue that I am very passionate about and I plan to continuously do my part to increase awareness. Being a former chronic teen runaway, I understand the seriousness of this topic and how damaging this style of life can be. Teens run away for various reasons, some valid, some not. I believe in most cases the behavior results from being rebellious. In my most recent book PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion, I discuss some of the very dangerous and compromising circumstances I found myself to be in as a result of my continuous urge to leave home, insistent on not following rules. A serious issue then, it is even more severe as society has changed tremendously in the past 20 years. According to recent statistics, between 1.6 and 2.8 million youth run away annually (http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/numbers-tell-the-story-during-national-runaway-prevention-month-in-november-176264121.html ). This is both a phenomenal and outrageous number of youth who are putting themselves at risk.
Being a runaway leaves one susceptible to abuse, exploitation, and in extreme cases, death! From my own personal struggles with being a teen runaway, I often became exposed to the ugliness that begets this behavior. In many instances I found myself in compromising situations that could have been easily avoided had I made the decision to STAY HOME! From rape, criminal activity, and domestic violence, I became a part of the statistics. Fortunately for me, although exposed to these occurrences, I was able to get help and gradually change my way of thinking and realized the dangers. While youth make the decision to run away for a multitude of reasons, none of them are usually worth the detrimental long term effects. With that being said, it is imperative that today's youth are given real life experiences along with other resources to increase their awareness and help decrease the number of runaway cases as much as possible. Hotlines, SafePlaces, and counseling are a few of the resources available to both youth, parents, and concerned individuals alike. Other programs are available in most communities. To find out more information on ways to become involved or assist others that may dealing with this issue visit the National Runaway Switchboard at www.1800runaway.org.
Get involved! Our youth are depending on us!
~PhatPhat~
#NRPM
Check out my book PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion @ http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0092D7630/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk

Have You Gotten Your Copy Yet?

2012-10-23T14:56:00.001-05:00

Check out my latest book, PhatPhat Memoirs: Lost in Rebellion. Great read for teens and parents! Never give up on yourself, you can always make a change for the positive!
~PhatPhat~

http://www.amazon.com/PhatPhat-Memoirs-Lost-Rebellion-ebook/dp/B0092D7630/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346162033&sr=8-1&keywords=phatphat+memoirs%3A+lost+in+rebellion

A Matter of Life and Death #DomesticViolenceAwareness

2012-10-23T13:58:00.000-05:00

Wisconsin Man Bought Gun 1 Day Before Spa Shooting- Gary Post Tribune
http://posttrib.suntimes.com/news/15907432-418/wisconsin-man-bought-gun-1-day-before-spa-shooting.html
As the month ends, the need to continually emphasize the awareness of Domestic Violence does not. As I read the local newspaper earlier this morning, I was quite disturbed that I found two cases being highlighted. The first which is noted above involved a woman, her estranged husband and innocent patrons at the spa/salon where she worked. Increased reports of both dangerous and deadly domestic violence occurrences, should serve as a wake up call to all as to the seriousness of the issue. In the above referenced case, the victim (the wife) had seemingly taken precautions to avoid this end result. There was a restraining order in place, police reports, neighbors indicated that there seemed to be problems, as well as the abuser had already threatened to attack the victim with acid. And for what reason? Suspicion of infidelity. It is definitely heartbreaking and troubling that this woman lost her life as well as other innocent victims who had absolutely nothing to do with this domestic situation. We have to continue to emphasize the need to become aware and remain informed about the seriousness of domestic violence as well as the various precautions that need to be taken. Familiarity of resources available to victims and survivors of such is pertinent information needed in order to provide support. Domestic Violence is an issue that does not just go away or disappear. As we continue to see, domestic violence can lead to death! Innocent lives are being lost in the process. Everybody loses in these cases. Not only the adults but the children that are involved as well.
In the article below, yet another case. Confinement, strangulation, and use of a weapon. These are not isolated cases, these types of occurrences are going on everyday, everywhere. I strongly urge everyone to become involved in some form or fashion to help victims of domestic violence. Be aware of the signs that someone may be involved in an unsafe situation. Never turn your head the other way if you see someone being abused, call the police, you can always remain anonymous. Life is precious and no one has the right to take it away! As I read articles such as these, I am increasingly blessed to be able to say that I am a SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, at any time I could have been the subject of a headline similar to the first article.
#IncreaseDomesticViolence Awareness #StoptheViolence

Charges filed in domestic violence case

The Glen Park man arrested Oct. 16 at the entrance of his home holding a handgun has been charged with strangulation, criminal confinement and domestic battery.

Gregory Moore, 52, allegedly assaulted his live-in girlfriend and nailed the front door to their home to keep her from leaving with her son.

Neighbors arrived and intervened until Cpl. Gregory Fayson arrived and held Moore at gunpoint. Detective Cpl. Roberto Figueroa interviewed the victim of the assault.

It Takes Merely Seconds....

2012-10-20T16:14:00.003-05:00

This time last week my head was spinning with uncertainty and confusion. While I am not completely back in the space that I was before, I have made the decision to use yet another obstacle, as a tool rather than a hinderance. Still disappointed and a little in shock, I have come to grips with the situation at hand. As stated in my last post, I am confident that I have done the best that I can do as a person AND a parent. The courses that our children decide to follow are not always reflective of our parenting skills or techniques.
Being a troubled and rebellious teen once myself, I understand and can relate to some of the issues that present day teens are faced with. Peer pressure, feelings of wanting to fit in, anxiety, and society in general present challenges in their own ways. Although these factors are present, it does not mean that negative behavior is excusable. This is so because while each of the above mentioned factors play a part in how our teens develop, they still are equipped with a mind of their own and have choices to make as well. One of the things that I always urge individuals to do, both young and old is to THINK BEFORE YOU ACT! It takes merely a matter of seconds to think before deciding on your reaction or the proper route to take in any given situation. Some may argue that this is easier said than done. However if you look at the bigger picture, it really isn't. For example, a group of teens are hanging out. One person in the group suggests that for fun, the group should vandalize a school for kicks. Everyone in the group may be excited with the potential thrill of doing such, but not thinking about the long term consequences if the plan is carried out. Each person in the group has the option to either agree or disagree, participate or not participate. Literally, how long does it take to think: "This is wrong!" "We can get arrested for this." "My parents will kill me!" "I wouldn't want anyone vandelizing my property."
All of these are thoughts that I believe would come to one's mind naturally, and within a matter of seconds. Those seconds can help you make the right choice. A choice that can alter your life in either a positive or negative way.
In the words of Denzel Washington in Training Day "Do you wanna go home or you wanna go to jail?"
Until next time... take those few seconds to think before you act, not doing so can potentially destroy your life.