The Philosophy Of Fat

Completing C25K

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Sat, 09 Nov 2013 13:06:00 +0000

On 28th October I finally finished C25K with a 30 minute jog around my local park. It felt like this:

Like Chariots of Fire. Only fatter.

Back in March last year when I originally considered taking up running, I jumped straight in. And it was hard, much harder than sitting about doing nothing, definitely harder than Wii Fit. I lasted a week before giving up and going back to my sedentary ways. Exercise isn't for me, I thought once again. I've tried it and I've failed, let's think no more about it.

Fast forward 18 months, and I was feeling a bit miserable, and I started noticing myself waver in the whole self acceptance anti-dieting stance that I'd been successfully maintaining for what was now some years. I felt fat, I felt unhealthy, I felt tired all the time. I started counting calories. I felt even more miserable.

Then I came to my senses. I deleted the calorie counting apps off my phone and I consciously went back to intuitive eating. The food diarising had at least exposed the woeful lack of fibre in my diet so I consciously upped that without restricting anything else in my diet. I thought about what would help me get out of this rut that was leading me down what I knew to be a damaging path (for me at least).

And so I started going out for a walk, just 30 minutes every other day. It was the dying weeks of August, so the weather was fine in the early evenings and it was pleasant to be outside. As I walked I thought about C25K, and I tried to work out what had made me give up on it so easily the previous year. I started reading message boards for C25K, and although everyone said that anyone could do it I discovered that it wasn't easy for everyone, especially in the beginning. I read that people with very poor fitness or "the obese" (dah dah dah!) could start off walking before easing themselves into the plan. I read that a common mistake novice runners made was to go too fast, and that it was best to go at a pace where you could comfortably hold a conversation. Last year I was so out of breath I could barely breathe let alone talk: I had definitely been going too fast!

So I had decided to try again, giving myself at least 2 weeks of walking to get me in the habit of regular exercise, and to build up my fitness level from 'appalling' to 'ok.' I took my iPod and used its fitness app to monitor my progress, I timed it so I was walking at least 30 mins each time. By the end of week 2 a half hour walk wasn't a challenge, so I decided to move on to C25k.

I knew that I would find it difficult but I was prepared to repeat runs/ weeks until I was able to complete the course. I was ready this time. This is what I had to say about the first run:

C25k wk 1 run 1: Managed 6/8 60 sec running intervals. Calf muscles seemed to shrink part way through. Hard. Kept telling myself it would get easier, need to believe this is true. Positives: Last time I tried this I could not run 60 secs, 6/8 isn't bad for a first go. Doing all 8 doesn't seem impossible, just hard.

And so the next day I went back out, and this time I managed all 8 intervals. That first run, I'm proud to say, was the only one I had to repeat. I am a slow jogger, sometimes overtaken by walkers, but I can work on that. I started to feel fitter within the first 2 weeks of the course, and it's given me more energy in my day to day life. More importantly it's a reminder that if there's something I want to do, even it it's not something that I have a natural aptitude for, I can do it if I want to. I might not be the fastest runner, but I am a runner.

I would recommend the NHS's C25K podcast to anyone interested in learning to run, it really does what it claims to and really is suitable for all levels. It's completely free and you don't need any fancy equipment, just an MP3 player, some decent trainers (I got mine for £25 from TK Maxx) and a good sports bra (if you're a woman).

You can download the podcast from here: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/c25k/Pages/get-running-with-couch-to-5k.aspx or from iTunes. If you're running with a mobile phone, you can download the NHS Change for Life Couch to 5K app from Google Play or again from iTunes.

Fun and Games

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 20:23:00 +0000

It's been more than 2 years now since I started this blog, which makes it more than 2 years since I ditched dieting and started this (wonderful) journey of self acceptance. In these 2 years I've learned to see my body as part of my self rather than an external force - and I've come to understand that if I look after my body better, all of me benefits.

I quit smoking over a year ago, with the aid of patches and following a year of regular chest infections and ill health that I couldn't pretend was nothing to do with the habit. I feel better for it, and I know that I found it much easier this time around because a) I had a clear reason for quitting [ie. the terrible effect it was having on my health] and b) I had no concern whatsoever about gaining weight if I gave up smoking. I knew it was a possibility, and I knew that when making that cost/benefit analysis that smoking was going to be worse for me than putting on a few pounds.

I make decisions for my health now in full recognition that health is a different animal to weight loss (thank you Linda Bacon) - and now I'm finding myself wanting to take the next step forward. Maybe break into a jog.

Exercise. The very word fills me with dread. Even at the peak of my weight-loss manias I generally wouldn't go quite so far as to exercise. There was a time in the dim and distant past known as primary school when I was on the netball team. I loved horse riding. I'm also a very strong swimmer. But at High School sport was a popularity contest, sport was all about winning and I just wasn't the type. Games wasn't at all fun for me. You had to like all sport or none at all, and my hatred for hockey and cross country running put me purely in the second camp. I hated games lessons, I hated the teachers, I hated wearing P.E. knickers (yes, really) - and so I came to hate all sport.

Since school? I was a member of a gym for a bit. I only really liked the treadmill, and the steam room. It was expensive and I stopped going. I've done aerobics (dull and sweaty). I did tai chi for a bit (too much to remember). I've done yoga - which I loved - but I'm not able to find a class here that I can attend regularly.

But I'm ready to try again, to try again to find a way to move my body which I enjoy. I'm going to start by trying running - I've stumbled upon the Couch to 5K on the NHS website and it seems like it could be just the ticket to improve my stamina and get me moving. Running could potentially work for me because it's non competitive, doesn't require excellent spacial awareness (I have very poor spacial awareness), doesn't require a raft of specialist equipment, and is free. I'm going to give it a go, and am giving myself a 2 week deadline on starting the endeavor. I might not like it, but it'll be something I've tried - something to tick off the list of potential candidates for the Exercise Holy Grail.

I deserve respect, and if I'm going to respect myself I need to respect this body that I live in. That means giving it what it needs, not just fuel but also movement.

Let the search for the Holy Grail commence!

Mental Health at Every Size

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 17:54:00 +0000

I have been off the dieting roller-coaster for over a year now, enjoyed my 2nd ever Christmas off a diet and have some things to report health-wise.

Firstly I have never, in my adult life, been as emotionally stable as I have been this past year. I came off my anti-depressants about 18 months ago and, though I won't pretend I've never felt down or that there haven't been days when I've been anxious as hell, I am doing just fine. I don't attribute all this to my discovery of FA - it's a combination of many factors - my mental health improving to a point where I could FINALLY put into place all those things that they taught me in various talking therapies over the years (which my depressive mind thought weren't up to much but which I've adopted during the long, slow journey of recovery); being in a happy, stable relationship with a man I love and who loves me wholeheartedly; leaving the stressful job that was doing me no favours at all - and (and it seems strange to write this) lowering my expectations of myself and putting my mental health and myself before career, friendships and relationships. I'm also completely aware that there may come a time that I need the drugs again, and I'm fine with that. I keep an eye on my moods and have my boyfriend look out for any worries just in case I'm not in a fit state to notice. Taking medication when necessary is part and parcel of maintaining my mental wellbeing, but right now? I don't need them at all.

So how has FA helped with all of this? Well, over my years struggling with mental illness I've taken a lot of medication with the side effect 'weight gain', I've repeatedly stopped taking the drugs to stop the weight gain and then started dieting in the aftermath, seen a swift return of my anxiety, depression and eating disordered behaviour. Eventually had to take the meds again until I put on so much weight I quit the drugs etc. etc. etc. I came to realise that if I was ever going to be able to manage my mental health problems I had to get out of this vicious cycle but I had no idea how. I discovered FA shortly after stopping taking my medication that last time, I started to prioritise my mental health and putting into practice what I'd been taught about looking after myself mentally. I quit dieting around the time I started this blog and have not once, in the last year, been tempted back onto the bandwagon. The first things to improve were my fingernails - they always used to peel and crack and break and now they, well, look like nice healthy fingernails. I've also found I have more energy and resiliance. I'm generally feeling much much happier and yes, healthier.

So what happens when you stop dieting for a whole year? Do you let your standards slip and EAT THE WORLD? Do you live on a diet of donuts and Maccy D's? I certainly didn't. Before I quit dieting my boyfriend had to literally HIDE the chocolate in the house so that I wouldn't just eat it because it was there (and so there would be chocolate when it was my time of the month) - he stopped doing this a couple of months in and I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. I don't eat bigger portions or exclusively heavy food - my diet has actually broadened in the last year because I've made a habit of asking myself what I want before eating and have the nearest thing available to that (even if it's not something I usually go for).

Have I gained any weight? Not that I can tell, or at least not significantly enough for me to require new clothing (this is AMAZING for me - I think it's the first time since EVER I've not required a different set of clothes from one year to the next). I've don't appear to have lost any weight either, and you know what? It doesn't bother me at all. (I considered weighing myself for this post but decided, on reflection, that that would not be the best thing for my mental health).

This month I have finally gotten around to reading Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size - and there's definitely some stuff I'd like to take onboard with that. FA has made me value my body, made me grateful for it in ways I couldn't imagine - I can look in the mirror now and think "that's me, standing there in my amazing body" rather that "OMG I am so horribly disgusting". I am so grateful to FA that I am able to think this - something I have never done at any weight in my past.

This year my goals are to:

-Be more active
&
-Wear more colour

But hey, it's not like they're rules or anything, they're just things that I would like to do.

I'm also attempting to quit smoking again due to me having had a chest infection every 3 months for the last year, which I can't pretend has no correlation to all the smoking I do. Wish me luck with that. (I'm aware I don't sound too enthusiastic about it but I'm wary of giving myself a task to do where I'll feel like a failure if I don't succeed. So I'm going to take it one day at a time and see where it takes me - I am currentlty mid-illness too so you'll also have forgive me if the prose is a little sloppy).

formspring.me

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 15:46:00 +0000

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/bballen

Panorama - Fat Tax

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 17:53:00 +0000

I've been asked by BBC Newcastle's morning show for some comments and an interview (Monday mid-morning) on the subject of Panorama's "Fat Tax" documentary. Although I only have the website to go on so far (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00w4dsy), there's some things I'd like to say in response, and here they are:

"Would putting up the price of junk food, high in sugar and fat, cut obesity rates in the same way as a tax on cigarettes has helped reduce smoking?"

This represents the over-riding popular view that all fat people are fat because they eat nothing but junk. This just isn't the case. The causes of obesity are far more complicated than the calories in vs. Calories out model - weight gain can be caused by medication side-effects, medical problems such as diabetes and PCOS, sedentary lifestyles (office working etc), stress and depression to name but a few. Increasing taxation on food, therefore will not eradicate obesity. Comparing tax on cigarettes to reduce smoking to a tax on food to reduce obesity doesn't work.

This approach also implies that any health problems caused by poor diet affect only fat people, which is simply not the case. By labelling a tax on percieved 'unhealthy' foods a "fax tax" it's unnecessary adding to the stigma of being fat - and stigma itself contibutes to stress and depression.

The fear-mongering of the media as to how much obesity-related diseases is causing harm in itself. We find ourselves in a society where fat people are increasingly viewed as of less value to thin or normal people and where health is determined not by medical tests but by BMI by which measure professional athletes are often classified as obese. Fat people need advice on how to improve their health that rests on more than "lay off the burgers, fatty" - we can reduce our risk of diabetes and heart disease without weight-loss and should be encouraged to try these rather than starvation diets or invasive surgery.

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Out of the Game

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 22:39:00 +0000

The world wants us to diet, they believe it is their right to advise us to do so on the premise that we'll be healthier, more attractive and above all happier. Every advert flogs us the The Fantasy of Being Thin like it's going out of fashion (while we pray that it is) - just tonight I've been told that being thin will enable me to be a catwalk model, afford boating holidays and destroy fad diet books with golf clubs (well, I already do that...). The implication is that being thin is so wonderful that any sacrifice used to obtain it will be paid back tenfold because what could be wrong when you're a single digit dress size?

I'm not playing that game any more. Not because I don't want to strut my stuff on the catwalk, dive off sailboats or beat the sit out of another crappy diet book - none of these things are conditional on being thin (especially not the last one, in fact if you've not burned all your dieting books on a ceremonial pyre, I'd recommend it). I won't play because it's not worth it.

Being thin is not worth spending hours, weeks, days, years of your finite existence counting calories. Being thin is not worth rationing chocolate to once-monthly binges. Being thin is not worth having nothing to talk about but tricks to avoid food. Being thin is not worth being constantly hungry. It's not worth feeling tired, miserable, cold and irritable for the rest of your life. A life of constant hunger will never be a life fulfilled.

Being thin wont make you all those things they tell you it will. You'll still be you, but smaller. Whatever it is that you really want be it a dazzling career, a loving relationship or a happy family - it's not going to magically appear if you lose a few pounds. Don't you think your time and energy would be better spent working towards your goals rather than a smaller waist size? I do.

Years of my life have been spent in self-inflicted hunger. I've made myself literally sick of it, and I've grown tired of it. I hope never to have to spend another day hungry. And if I ever have to it won't be through choice. My health and my happiness are too important to me, my life is too important to me to put myself through this.

I raise my middle finger to the diet industry and their cronies. You want me to go hungry because of your arbitrary standard? The answer is NO.

A guest post by Karen: From the other side of 'acceptable'

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:18:00 +0000

For seven years, I have alternated between suffering and recovering from anorexia nervosa. While I have never been overweight, I have been confronted by many people about various weights, ranging from 6st7 to 9st7. These people have included family, friends, acquaintances, but also, perhaps surprisingly, strangers. I have had raging arguments with parents (“it’s not attractive”), friends who have grabbed my bottom, or lack thereof, and informed me that I’m too thin. I have had strangers in the street shout at me to eat a burger, and point me in the direction of the nearest eating disorders clinic as a hilarious joke with their friends. Perhaps most hurtful of all of this was a supposed friend coming to me in the college toilets, lifting my jumper and pulling my jeans to expose my ribs, concave stomach and hipbones to her friends, to prove that I was “too thin” as she’d told them.

The strange thing about all of this is, while I have strived for and achieved that UK size 2 (US 00) frame where knickers only stay up because they can be hung on protruding hipbones, this never made me happy. I openly admit that I did feel achieved when I could no longer buy clothes, with adult clothes being too big and children’s being too short and yes, I did feel achieved as I lost more and more weight. For years, losing weight has been my goal but at many times during these seven years, it has been my life.

However, I am now a UK size 6 (US 2) and, while the days of endless dieting and obsessive exercise do not seem as though they are a thing of the distant past, I am a healthy weight and shape. One would assume from this that I am a much healthier person, but this assumption couldn’t be much further from the truth. While my healthy 9st body and my 28F chest give me a curvy, womanly shape, and while I eat regularly and I am more confident, this does not mean I am healthy. I smoke 20 roll-ups a day. I don’t run unless I’m going to miss the metro and, if I do that, I practically need resuscitating upon entrance to the train. At the same time, my boyfriend’s weight is exactly double my own, making him technically obese but, while the BMI charts all do battle with him trying to make him eat less and get more exercise, I spend time doing battle with him myself, simply to get him away from his weight bench! Of the two of us, he is far healthier and sets a fine example of how healthy one can be at a higher weight. I, however, work more as a terrible warning of the opposite issue!

While this has, so far, been a message of how unhealthy one can be when slim, I do not mean to suggest that one must be curvy to be healthy. For me, it is a question of balance - a balanced diet in which one nourishes one’s body, and a daily routine that keeps the body active but not exhausted. This balance is something I have not yet struck, but I intend to once I have come to be more comfortable with the sudden arrival of my bust and my bottom. If I led a healthier lifestyle, however, I would lose weight and that in turn would lead me back to the same situation of people passing me in the street and feeling that they have a right to comment on my shape. For me, then, and for many others, this situation becomes catch 22. I lose weight because I am leading a healthy lifestyle; I gain weight to please others by fulfilling a certain ideal of appearance. There is no point at which I am acceptable. Why?

The issue that few seem to consider is this: commenting on the appearances of others in a negative way is NOT polite, acceptable or necessary - rather, it is rude and it is damaging. By telling someone thin to go and eat something fattening, one will not inspire them to gain weight, just the same as telling someone fat to put down their pasty will not encourage them to lose weight. No one should be made to feel ashamed of their appearance but, furthermore, are the people who wish to comment in this fashion not being rather shallow? I am no more or less happy, successful or loved at this weight than I was at any other. Those who care about the person inside don’t care about the person outside but, those who do care about the outer “beauty” are often the ones with the power to make the individual miserable and lonely.

An argument against Thin Hate

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:04:00 +0000

Whilst I applaud any attempt to erode the idea that you have to be a size 4 to be beautiful, I find it just as hateful to be labelling thin bodies as unacceptable as I do fat. Your dress size does not define you, it does not show whether you're a 'good' person or a 'bad' person. You are not more or less real if you are a size 6, 16 or 26. Skinny women are real women, fat women are real women, in-betweenies are real women. We are all real, goddamn it, and this shouldn't need any kind of debate.

The prevalence of anti-thin hate is just as damaging as anti-fat hate and the fat-acceptance movement needs to be just as against it as any other form of body shaming. If we support this kind of behaviour then we are perpetuating the myth that some body types are just plain unacceptable, and whilst some may see poetic justice in reversing the status-quo, the reality is that we will just leave another generation of women struggling to be something that they simply are not. I wouldn't wish the looks, the comments and above all the self-hatred that I have felt on anyone else. The ridiculous panic of 'but if we accept fat people then people will be encouraged to live unhealthily' could become terrifyingly real if we were to reject thin-ness and replace the ideal with one equally unobtainable for many women.

Of course, most 'real women have curves' rubbish isn't suggesting that we replace thin with fat or anything so simple. What it actually suggests we replace the 'aspirational' skinny body with is one not too dis-similar from a Barbie doll - big boobs, tiny waist (because it's beautiful to have curves but not to have fat). It is not helpful to replace an ideal that is (for a large proportion of women) neigh-on impossible to achieve (ie. starve yourself to be acceptable) with an ideal that is (again for a large proportion of the population) only possible to achieve with surgery (or, according to the Daily Fail, breastfeeding ). I used to work with a beautiful young lady who had neigh-on starved herself skinny and still felt so uncomfortable with her body that she had breast implants (which left her in near-constant pain) - no woman should have to go through this. We need to promote the beauty of curves without negating the beauty of other body types. We need to stop promoting unhealthy behaviours in the service of being acceptable. We need to stop equating body size with health.

Which brings me to my final issue with thin-hating pro-curves propaganda. The misuse of the term 'anorexic' is becoming increasingly prevalent Anorexic does not mean skinny - anorexia is not a choice - anorexia is not something to be mocked. Anorexia is a serious fucking illness and sufferers do not need your judgement to make them better. In the same way as telling me that I should stop eating cake (for my own good) it is NOT FUCKING ACCEPTABLE to tell an anorexia sufferer to get some pies down her. No matter how socially acceptable it might seem. The increasing social acceptability of the idea that anorexics should be persecuted is ill-informed, discriminatory and unhelpful in every way.

The inspiration for this post came from the deplorable 'Hips and Curves, not Skin and Bones' Facebook group. Yet another hate-filled board full of trash (I've reported it and suggest you do too) - 297,607 people 'like' this page.

The Philosophy of Maxi Dresses

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 21:22:00 +0000

Faux Lace Maxi, originally uploaded by BB Allen.

This is my new maxi dress from Simply Be, it's my first maxi dress above a size 14.

I've always considered maxi dresses as for thin people, so the only times I've worn them has been when I was thin, or before I fist began dieting (under age14).

Of course, now I have permission from myself to eat and wear whatever hell I want; what I want to wear is the things I had forbidden myself to wear when fat. I needed a maxi dress.

And so I have spent months trying to find a maxi dress, and it proved much harder than I thought. Maxi dresses tend to come in extrodinarily garish fabrics, the kind of fabric that's ordinarily only used in Fat Person Clothing.

Fat Person Clothing is he kind of clothing that you're supposed to wear when you're fat: perhaps the theory is migraine-inducing colours will distract from the hideous fat fatty fatness of our bodies.

I would not dream of wearing Fat Person Clothing, it's just so intensly not me. I sometimes wish I was someone who could pull it off (and some wonderful Fatshonistas totally do), because it'd make finding clothing on the high street so much easier (Evans I'm looking at you).

So I love this dress, the mock-lace pattern is classic enough for me to pull off - that it's a white dress patterned in black means it's summery enough too. The dress is from Simply Be and is a size 18 (I range between roughly 18 and 24 depending on the garment), the fit's on the larger size so it fits pretty much perfectly (I have a cocktail dress from Simply B in a size 20 and it's a tiny bit on the large size).

Dilemma well and truly solved.

The Philosophy of Fat

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Sat, 15 May 2010 15:16:00 +0000

I have been dissatisfied with the name of this Blog for a while now, and I've decided to re-brand it. I'm less comfortable with the phrase “Big is Beautiful” these day's, not because I don't see beauty in fat, but because I see beauty in all body types - including mine. I also wanted to remove the euphamism from the name - I'm not 'big' or 'well built' or (for gods' sake) voluptuous - I am FAT and that's JUST FINE.

I also don't think the degree of whimsy in the name really reflects the actual content of my blog. I've been thinking about how it's developing and the kind of thinking I'm wanting to undertake in the future and The Philosophy of Fat is spot on. Philosophy is my field, and following a trail of critical thinking, with a well founded theory to develop is really the point of this blog. This blog will therefore be largely academic in nature, with a dash of fashion theory to spice things up.

I hope to learn a great deal on the way.

The Smoking Fatty (or coming out as a Bad Fat)

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Fri, 14 May 2010 19:54:00 +0000

I was reading this post on my blog feed, and was a bit pissed off to see this comment "If you really think that being fat is just as bad as smoking or being addicted to drugs, you are just as judgmental and, well, wrong as the people who run the above site.". I was pissed off to see smokers and drug addicts portrayed as 'BAD' (ie. somehow sub-human and not deserving of rights). Explain to me exactly how this is different from judging fat people as 'BAD' (ie. somehow subhuman and not deserving of rights)?

The argument that fat shouldn't be demonised because it is not a choice seems like a valid one at first glance, but really it translates to "being fat is only acceptable because it is not a choice". Even if fatness were a choice it would still not be acceptable to discriminate against those who have "chosen" to be fat.

Unlike obesity, there is strong scientific evidence to suggest that smoking is linked to disease. The fact that I smoke (as does more than 25% of the UK population according to Cancer Research), does not give anyone on the street the right to lecture me on The Importance Of Giving Up Smoking.

Of course, being a fat smoker makes me even more of a target. Smoking fatties are increasingly portrayed as being Everything That's Wrong With The World, if being fat wasn't enough of a flashing signpost of my shocking lack of respect for my health, I also have the audacity to smoke.

I'm not going to suggest that science has it all wrong about smoking, we've all had it drilled into us that If You Smoke You Will Die - I'm aware of the risks and for now, I choose to continue to smoke.

I could bullshit you at this point with a diatribe on how Smoking is Addictive and I smoke because I can't give up. I could list the myriad times I've attempted to quit smoking, and the amount of times I've failed. I could draw a parallel between my failed dieting attempts and my failed attempts at quitting smoking, tell you the tale of my friend who was able to quit heroin but not tobacco. I could point out that tobacco should, from a scientific viewpoint, be an illegal drug, but that this can't happen due to the money smokers pour into the economy in the form of taxes.

I'm not going to do that though, because at this point in time, smoking feels like a choice to me. I don't want to quit smoking, so I don't attempt it. This does not make me a bad person.

I can't help but remember that I'm going to die regardless of whether I smoke, drink, eat McDonalds, run 10 miles a day or get my 5 a day. It's my life and my choice and no-one else gets to choose for me.

I shouldn't have to remind myself that I'm deserving of respect regardless of my lifestyle choices. I shouldn't have to agonise over whether to reveal that I smoke on my own god-damn blog.

I don't give a damn if you think I'm a bad person because I'm fat or because I smoke or because I enjoy bacon sandwiches, or because I drink. I am me, and I will continue to be me whether you like it or not.

The Politics of New Hair ( and the Red and black slouchy outfit)

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Thu, 13 May 2010 20:51:00 +0000

Red and black slouchy outfit, originally uploaded by BB Allen.

T-Shirt by Asos Curve
Skirt by Evie for Peacocks
Tights by Primark
Boots (slightly out of shot) by Dr Marten
Duffle Coat (on chair) by Simply Be

This is what I wore to work today. As you can see I've had a bit of a change in the hair department. This is in fact, relevant to this blog.

You see, for the last 6 years I've been growing my hair. I've had my hair every colour of the rainbow at some point, I've had it long, short, and inbetween. But over the last 6 years, I've not been cutting it, and I've not been changing the colour QUITE as often (ok quite often, but in more subtle ways than the greens and reds and blacks and purples of before).

I've been thinking about why I've not changed my hair before now. Partially it's because I wanted long hair, to grow it in and give it a chance and see how long I could get it. And wanting to have long hair is a good enough reason to have long hair.

There are a couple of factors to me, at least, keeping my hair long for so many years that are NOT good enough reason though. One was that I thought I 'looked fatter' with short hair. I am fat, looking fat is something that I can expect to be the case. And yet, I was there thinking "I'd love short hair, it would be easier to dry, wouldn't tangle and wouldn't be so god-damn hot all the time" and then countering that with "but I don't want to look EVEN FATTER", and I the latter argument as actually WINNING. So I think that finally accepting that I am FAT has freed me from that thinking, and allowed me to try something new and daring.

The same is happening with my clothes (hence the outfit posts), when I was Thin I was obsessed with clothes, I loved playing with them, mixing them up, and shopping for new fabulous pieces to add into the mix. As I got better (/fatter) I would buy bigger clothes, but they were mainly chosen for practicality, and cheapness. My weight was all over the place to the point where I'd yo-yo between as size 12 and a size 20 within a year and I'd buy nice clothes when I was thin and cheap, practical "Temporary Clothes" when I was fat. I spent approximately 1/4 of the last 8 years in "Temporary Clothes", crappy shapeless long-sleeved Matalan tops (on their own, with cheap shapeless jeans - not even as a base for something more funky). I longed to be able to find my style and struggled to do so, even when I was thin (/ill) - I didn't understand my body, and I have no great love for it. I didn't think my body deserved nice clothes, didn't trust myself to be a size long enough to make paying anything significant for them worth-it. Hell, I changed size so often I couldn't afford to dress nice.

Over the last few months, since discovering FA and embracing my fat body, my love of clothes, makeup and hair has simply bloomed. I've managed to build up a nice wardrobe of great clothes that fit, and stayed within budget by using existing clothes as bases for new pieces and in different ways. And also by prioritising myself more. I don't feel the need to spend my money on crap I don't need as much, because I'm pretty sane (and I think I have FA to thank for the continuance of that because dieting has caused many an Attack-of-the-Crazies).

And as fatshion blogs have filled in the hole for magazines (I still sometimes buy them, but only occasionally as I find their often warped images of women, frankly insulting - this is not the kind of advertising I respond to and the lies are maddening) - my thanks go particularly to the wonderful Fat Nurse :) It's great to see great clothes on women who's bodies actually resemble my own, and the feedback on sizing is invaluable too.

I don't intend to turn my blog into something fatshion only, I still have alot of things to say about what I THINK for that, but expect more photos and more outfits, because sharing works best both ways.

BB

Smart-casual funky grey outfit

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Thu, 13 May 2010 20:08:00 +0000

Smart-casual funky grey outfit, originally uploaded by BB Allen.

Pencil skirt my M&S
Silver shrug by Simply Be
Star Fishnets by Primark
E-Fit slouch boots by New Look
Scarf and jewellery by who the hell knows!
Glasses by FCUK

1st fatshion post (eeks)

This photo is from a couple of weeks ago (before I had my hair cut as you'll see in the next one!), I wanted to put together a grey outfit that didn't look dull. It's difficult to see in this photo, but the shrug is metallic silver thread and the scarf has silver threads in too. I'm also wearing a set of 3 strings of beads ranging from black to shiny, shiny silver. The key to doing metallic in the day is in the accessories as it has to be smartened up or dressed down (or maybe both with this outfit ;) ) I got this stretchy pencil skirt in the M&S sale last summer and it's wonderfully versatile and can be worn as casual or smart depending on what it's paired with (I like to mix my clothes up so they HAVE to be versatile in some way!)

BB

The Crazy and The Fat

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Tue, 11 May 2010 12:52:00 +0000

Marianne over at The Rotund's post on how her crazy interacts with her fat and her fat acceptance has inspired me to write about how these things interact, for me personally.
I specify that it's personal because each individual's mind is as complex and different as everyone's bodies (because, you know, your mind is part of your body, people). Also because my particular version of crazy does impact fairly dramatically on my treatment of my body and my acceptance of my fat.

Fat acceptance, to me, is part of the road to recovery from mental ill-health (by which I mean not that my crazy has magically disappeared, but that I am finally in a position where my crazy doesn't affect every single moment of my life). Only in accepting myself for the person I truly am (fat, prone to bouts of serious depression and periods of elation, subject to migraine and gum disease) am I able to treat myself in such a way that my crazy doesn't rule my life.

I have to be quite vigilant about my own needs, and do the right thing by myself to reduce the risks of a major depressive episode. This includes ensuring that I eat enough, sleep enough, don't drink too much, that I listen to my body and trust it to tell me what it needs.

The biggest risk to my health has, and probably will always be, a major attack of the crazies. I have to prioritise my mental health over physical risk factors - even if being fat was the fast-train to an early grave we're constantly told it is, the risks would pale to insignificance next to the very real risk of death from a bad attack of the crazies.

I don't pretend to have the true full picture as to the origin of my fatness, but I do believe that spending half my life on various anti-depressant medications has been a major contributing factor. These medications have saved my life many time over. I have no desire to be a skinny corpse, I have no desire to risk my mental health to fulfil your pointless cultural ideal. I've been your fucking cultural ideal, it nearly killed me.

For me, personally, dieting and body hatred is a very real danger to my health. My fatness is not.

Easter

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 14:49:00 +0000

In the Bad Old Days Easter, Xmas and birthdays were an excuse for "guilt-free" unlimited eating. Which, of course led to eating far more than I actually wanted/needed in preparation for the famine times ahead.

Things are a little bit different this year. I now know that if I don't eat all my easter-related chocolate this weekend, I'll still be allowed it next week or next month, and I'm happy at the thought of our Creme Egg gift pack (thanks Mum and Dad!) sitting at home waiting for me/him to enjoy when the mood takes us. In times past I wouldn't have been able to live with it's presence, it would gnaw at me until I'd eradicated it.

Easter is a time to celebrate the coming of spring, rebirth of nature all around us. We celebrate the end of the hard, barren winter months and the start of the fresh, abundant springtime. This year I'm focusing on the end of years of deprivation and misery and my new life of acceptance, happiness and fulfilment.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Glee (Or Big Girls CAN Dance)

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:44:00 +0000

I've been pretty impressed by the TV show Glee, now showing on UK TV on E4. Not only is it, fun, funny and full of song and dance routines (which I can't get enough of), it's clear that they've made a real effort to make the main cast as inclusive as possible (fat kids, disabled kids, pretty kids, geeky kids, popular kids - all, and more, are represented), and although the main cast are pitched as a group of mis-fits, it doesn't come across as piss-taking at the expense of the talented cast.

Of course, me being me, my favourite character in the series is Mercedes Jones, the token fat-girl (and token black-girl), played by the delightful Amber Riley - a character with so much self-confidence that she delcares in the very first episode "I'm Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Rowland." The character of Mercedes provides a strong, beautiful role-model for plus-size girls, and I just love the fact that there hasn't (thus-far at least) been any sort of effort to make apologies for her size - Mercedes often takes the main singing parts and boy can she sing!

Glee's Mercedes Jones aka Amber Riley

This week's episode was particularly good on the fat and fabulous front, due to the guest number from Jane Adams Correctional Facility's Glee club, who perform Destiny's Child's 'Bootylicious' - aside from the fact that the ep. focuses on how Adams' use of 'Hairography' is supposedly there to distract from poor performances (and let's face it, the maker's of Glee wouldn't show a dance routine where the dancer's weren't on form), the dancers in this routine take the showcasing of fat talent futher than the original cast - mixed in with the usual 'athletic' body type that people normally think of as a 'dancer's body' are a variety of body types, including, as one of the main singers/dancers Chatonja (sorry, but google failed to tell me the actress's name) - a young woman who can sing, dance and do the splits and is also far larger than anyone I've ever seen dancing in popular media in any way other than as an exercise of 'let's laugh at the fatty' - couple that with the costume choice actually affording us flashes of her stomach (*shock* - how is this even allowed on TV!) and the show found yet another way to leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling.

The Jane Adams Glee Club (Chatonja 1st step, centre)

Glee does delight in stereotypes, but so far delights in throwing them to the four winds.
I love it!

BBC Health News Fail

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:33:00 +0000

The BBC's health page today has two articles today 'relevent' to my blog..

Article 1.

Media is Fuelling Eating Disorders

The basic gist being that magazines should not be promoting an unhealthy (ie. emaciated) 'aspirational' body image, that there should be laws about using models who are blatently unwell and/or showing manipulated images showing an exaggerated, severely edited or just plain impossible body image with no indication that they have been altered.

In general, I'd have to say I agree with this, and think that the media has a responsibility not to encourage it's readers into desperate, damaging behaviours to fit into a tiny, perfect mould that not even the people in the photographs will fit into. With photoshop, I think that images manipulated should have some kind of label, preferably a line of small-print detailing exactly what has been done to the original image.

Particularly in adverts.

I'm particularly impressed with them wanting to extend this warning system to articles promoting diets.

This bit, however, we could do without "...Dr Ian Campbell, a Nottingham GP and spokesman for the charity Weight Concern, said the way the media glamorised thinness made it harder for obese patients to lose weight."

The media's obession with thinness does not make it "more difficult for [us fat fat fatty fatties] to lose weight" (words in brackets my artistic licence) - it's disorting almost every woman's (and an increasingly high proportion of men's) body image and relationship with food. It's increasingly difficult to find anyone without the millstone of disordered eating dragging their heads towards the ground, let's face it, Cosmo isn't exactly helping matters much.

"Article" 2 (quotations mine there, of course)

Obesity Rise on Death Certificates

In which the BBC confuse "obesity being blamed for more deaths" with "obesity to blame for more deaths", undoing in one, lazy-arsed attempt at serious journalism, all the respect for them the previous article had gleaned....

Proof if proof be needed to remind us all that we've got a hell of a long way to go before the media take notice of us, and that we still need to KEEP SHOUTING!

In response to Momgrind

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:53:00 +0000

http://momgrind.com/2010/02/09/fat-acceptance/ - in which one blogger over-reacts to the shocking spectacle of a fatty eating ice-cream...

Dear Vered,

Think about this:

You don’t know this girl. You have no idea what may have caused her to become fat. It could be any number of reasons from emotional problems, to physical problems, to side-effects of medication, to yo-yo dieting. You don’t know anything about her, and yet you assume because you’ve witnessed her eating ONE ice cream that she’s fat because she’s stuffing her face with junk food 24/7.

Seeing one fat person having the balls to eat a foodstuff other than salad or raw vegetables in public does not provide proof that fat acceptance is flawed. Fat acceptance can actually help people recover from life-long struggles with eating disorders and prejudice and to lead them to live happier, healthier lives.

And it’s exactly the response that you’ve had to seeing one fat person eat just one ice-cream that makes it so vital to us to have the fat acceptance movement, to have allies against the prejudice that we experience every day. The fat acceptance movement gives us the support we need to break from the starve-binge cycle we’re trapped in, to get out into the world and live our lives, to take up healthy pursuits involving exercise (even when people are falling over themselves to shout “run fatty run” when you’re trying to enjoy a morning jog). It’s what makes us realise that we don’t have to eat everything in the fridge because tomorrow is a ‘no food day’.

And it’s this kind of prejudice which makes people equate thin with healthy. Which encourages the thin and averaged size to believe that important messages about healthy balanced diets and exercise don’t apply to them because they don’t need to lose weight. When a thin person sits on their arse all day eating cake then that’s just fine by society’s standards but in reality poor diet (lack of variety, lack of nutrients) and lack of exercise will cause you health problems whatever your size, just as a good diet (lots of variety, listening to what your body wants, plenty of nutrients) and increased exercise (even a small amount of gentle exercise will improve your health) will keep you healthy no whether you’re 7 stone or 17.

Fat people are not the enemy. Ice cream is also not the enemy – you shouldn’t live on it, but you shouldn’t live on peas either. Making snap judgments on other people without even speaking to them is a problem, but it’s not just your problem, it’s society’s problem. And quite contrary to popular belief, it’s not going to make any of us lose weight. If telling people they’re fat (as if they haven’t noticed) made people magically thin, trust me you’d have not one fat person in western society.

Best January Ever

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:30:00 +0000

The month just past was the first January that I can EVER remember not being on a diet or 'healthy eating kick' (which is, of course, a euphemism for diet.) My Mum, like most British women, sees January as a kind of penance for the naughtiness of the festive season, and therefore puts herself (and by extension my Dad, and me when I lived at home) on a diet skinless chicken and soup for the first month of each year.

This year, with me having finally jumped off the dieting bandwagon and headed for the hills, I was able to enjoy the post Christmas period with more appropriate food for the bitter winter weather, and as such have found a lessening in the traditional January blues, a vast reduction in chocolate cravings and far less impact on the wallet from the January sales (although that might come from my increasing resistance to advertising and my newfound refusal to buy clothes that just don't fit).

I also nearly fainted on discovery that I can now fit comfortably into a pair of trousers that I couldn't get done up before Christmas, handily disproving any nagging demons in the back of my head urging me to run after that bandwagon, while I'm still nimble enough to manage it, because don't I know that this way leads to ugliness, not being able to fit through standard sized doorways and DEATH.

I'm sensibly holing up until the snow goes away and the days warm up nice; and when that happens I'm actually looking forward to emerging from my burrow and engaging in some nice, healthy swimming and walking to shake the sleep and aches out of my joints. Roll on springtime!

What's the ideal?

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 21:10:00 +0000

My journey deeper into FA is leading me to re-examine not only my attitude to Fat but also to Thinness and my concept of 'ideal' size.

In an ideal world, if I could be any size, what size would I be? In the past I would have definitely gone for the 'skinny as hell' size option, without a second's thought. Now, I'm definitely not so sure on that. My ideal size now would be significantly larger than my ideal size of say, 5 years ago.

Now when I envisage myself at my ideal size, I see myself at a much healthier size. In fact, my ideal is based on health now, not fashion, or obsession. Ideally, I would still like to be smaller than I am now. But not by as much. My ideal dress size is now Uk size 14-16 (I'm currently size 20).

In getting better from a mental health point of view, I've come to see that, for me, being skinny does equal being sick. I will never diet again, because I know that dieting makes me sick.

It's no longer my ideal to be sick for the rest of my life.

At the same time, working on a healthy attitude towards food does involve finding a better balance and a better attitude towards it. I think it's going to take a while to undo the damage done by dieting. I have to allow myself to feel hunger. I have to then allow myself to trust my instincts as to what to eat (when I'm so used to being told what I can and cannot eat), I have to be able to eat for enjoyment.

I also need to learn that it's ok to say no to food. It's ok to leave food over, to stop eating when I'm full. I need to trust that not eating for a few hours, because I'm not hungry, is not going to make me relapse into starvation. I need to trust that there will always be more food if I want it, I don't need to feed myself up for some future disaster.
I don't need to be skinny to be happy, and my life's going to be no less worthwile or enjoyable if I stay this size forever. Or if I lose weight, or gain weight either.

I don't have to be afraid.

Everything is going to be ok, and if it's not then whatever the problem is, it's not going to be my dress size.
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Dieting and Eating Disorders

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:06:00 +0000

I first remember feeling ashamed of my body when I was in my early teens. Although before that point, I was well aware i was fat, I'd never felt it as a real problem until secondry school. At the age of 14, when my body was just maturing, and with my weight at10st7lb (a healthy weight even by BMI) I first decided to 'do something about my weight'.

This was also around the time that I started to experience problems with my mental health. Initially, my main symptoms were my panic attacks, and my panic attacks came in the form of attacks of vomiting. My desire to lose weight therefore corresponded to a time when I felt sick alot of the time, and when I added intentional weight loss to the inevitable symptoms of my illness I lost alot of weight, very quickly.

On the one hand, I was suddenly receiving compliments even from the popular kids, I felt I could wear anything I wanted, I was proud of my self-control, and my ability to reshape my body. On the other hand, my physical and mental health was suffering - my starvation was fuelling my panic attacks which were fuelling my starvation. I had developed what I recognised as anorexic behavior - I avoided food, grouped food into 'safe' and 'banned' categories, weighed myself daily, and obsessed over everything I did eat. By the age of 16 I was 7st, drinking heavily, and self-harming. A pattern that continued for many years.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I got my first mental illness diagnosis (agoraphobia) and my first course of medication (anafranil). The reduction in, and eventual cessassion of, my panic attacks as well as (I believe) my increased reliance on drinking and SH as methods of control, led to the gradual reduction in food restriction. By the time I left university at 21 I'd gained back all the weight I lost through starvation, and more.

A change in medication to Prozac put paid to the drinking (thankfully) as I couldn't drink more than one drink without feeling ill whilst I was taking it. The break from it taught me the art of sensible drinking.

I was able to free myself from SH by philosophy - I came to view it as an acceptable action, something with no sense of moral wrong in and of itself. I gave myself permission to hurt myself if I really needed too, on the proviso that I wait at least an hour after the urge caught me. In an hour I'd reassess - should I wait another hour? I found the urge, for the most part, passed. And if it didn't that was ok too.

So I'd gained weight - in fact, I was now a UK size 16 - bigger than my previous highest weight. Which I still thought was too high. Sure, I'd gone about losing the weight in the wrong way, but I still felt losing weight at that point was right. This time it'd be different.

A succession of failed diets over the next 8 years. I blamed my history of disordered eating on their failure. Every diet marked the return of the eating disordered behaviour. Not able to be sick on demand anymore, I made myself sick. My weight shot up and down so many times my stomach and thighs are layered with stretchmarks. Every time I gain weight, I end up at a higher high weight.

I have lived the last 15 years with eating disordered behaviour. I blamed my failure to lose weight on psychological weakness. My mental health made me too fragile to diet, it was my thoughts that were at fault.

I now realise that one reason that dieting sparked mental health problems was that I wasn't eating enough food. The return of ED behaviours was due to them being written into the fabric of dieting: When you diet your supposed to obess over every calorie, your supposed to categorise foods into 'safe' and 'forbidden' categories. Dieting encourages you to punish yourself for being 'bad'.

When I draw parallells between pro-anorexia message boards and dieting ones it's because I've been a member of both. They're the same. They encourage the self-same behaviours. Their message is the same 'deny yourself and you will be beautiful'.

Dieting is the socially acceptable face of eating disorders. It encourages you to think in ways that are inherantly unhealthy, to demonise foods that are 'fatty' vs. foods that are 'slimming' regardless of nutritional value.

My relationship with food needs mending. I need to remember that no food is 'bad' and that I can eat anything I wish. Fruit and vegetables don't lose their vitamins and antioxidents by association the apples in an apple crumble are still apples, the vegetables on the top of a pizza are still vegetables. A diet of Special K is neither healthy or balanced. I need to remember that it's ok to not eat if I'm not hungry; something I'm actually having more problems with, as I'm so used to avoiding hunger - because in the past I have only felt it when I've been starving.

It's time for me to complete my healing. I've learned to manage my mental health problems over the years by learning to take care of me and acknowledge my own needs. My most recent major episode of depression came as a result of a diet - my meds made me gain weight, so I stopped taking them. I'm much happier now, unmedicated again, but with a nice full box available if necessary - and I've got more in my life than I ever believed I'd ever be able to have.

I'm learning that taking care of my body is the key to looking after my mind,
and I'm finding the freedom to do so in learning to like my body.

In defense of liking my body

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:15:00 +0000

In response...

Anonymous...

"your hourglass shape, "straight normal-size nose," "firm arse" etc. etc. are all just as much parts of the culturally imposed beauty ideal as thinness is."

I suppose so yes, but I'm I think thinness is beautiful as long as it's not from starvation... Things belonging to the social ideal aren't automatically ugly. And neither are things not-belonging. I, personally, don't feel the need to reject every aspect of an ideal which is part of the culture I belong too - I do think our cultural ideal needs to expand with our cultural experience, and in line with reality.

"By listing them as reasons to like your body you're implying that the only reason to like your body is if it looks as close as possible to that beauty ideal. "

I fear I have been misunderstood, or perhaps not set the scene strongly enough. I was referring to finding things I like specifically while looking in the mirror. There are other things I like about my body, but that I can't necesserily see in the mirror - such as my physical strength, or my sense of touch. And you can be beautiful or sexy and not fit into the cultural ideal; and there's plenty of me that doesn't. An example of beauty i can see from where I'm sitting, my boyfriend is the most beautiful person I've ever known, in every way - he's quite short (which is sexy), and has a beard (handsome) - not exactly the ideal for the North East of England).

How do you think women whose boobs are saggy, or whose noses aren't "straight and normal sized" (which is also a very racialized concept) should learn to love their bodies

Look for things THEY like about THEIR bodies?
As to it being a racialised concept, I'm was talking about myself - and I'm a white middle class woman about in the UK, about to turn 30. So yes, I'm referring to my own racial and cultural standards here, because truthfully I don't have alot of experience outside of my these bounds. I don't claim to speak for anyone else here, it's a pretty self-involved project all told.

How do you think women whose bodies are less culturally acceptable than yours might feel when they read this post? If there is nothing that is generally considered attractive about a woman's body, is her body not worthy of respect?
I would hope that they'd be able to find beauty somewhere in themselves. I would hope they realise that I'm talking about myself and not critisising them.

If you, Anonymous, honestly believe your own body is 'less culturally acceptable' to my body (which you've not seen) and want me to second-guess how you feel: I hope you love your 'culturally unacceptable' body, and if you don't then I hope that you can start opening yourself to seeing things you do love about yourself.

I suspect, however from your comment and the fact you don't want to reveal your identity, that you feel pretty bad. I'm sorry if you do, because I've spent more than 15 years feeling pretty bad too. I suspect that you're so used to seeing insult and cultural pressure that you apply it to anything you read. I suspect you might not like yourself very much and if that's the case I'm sorry that you chose to interpret what I said about liking myself as a personal attack on you. But I don't know who you are, or any of these theoretical people who might be reading - it's not really my responsibility to second-guess anyone's feelings, they can think whatever they want.

If there is nothing that is generally considered attractive about a woman's body, is her body not worthy of respect?

And yes, everyone's body is worthy of respect.

The revelation to me, in saying that, is that for the one of the first times I've said it I've not silently added "except mine."

How to love your body?

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:13:00 +0000

I'm fairly new to FA, and becoming happy with my body is an ongoing project. My last post was (from just a few days ago), explained the revelation of looking at my body in the mirror and not hating everything I see, I've written about the way I've treated my body in the past, and how I hope never to disrespect it like that in the past. But I'm still calling my body "it". My body isn't an "it", it's me. When I'm hating what I see in the mirror, I'm not hating an external Body, I'm hating myself. When I'm hurting my body, I'm hurting myself.

Disrespecting my body is disrespecting myself.

So now I face the issue of dismantling the 'mind-body' split: Something, incidentally, which I have never believed in intellectually - as a student I used to think (and I still do think) writers who believed that the mind was something separate [and implicitly better] than the body were deluding themselves into human superiority. (I have a degree in Philisophy don't 'cha know). I know that I get physical symptoms when something's wrong psychologically (my panic attacks have always manifested themselves like stomach flu). And yet it's taken me 10 more years from knowing and believing these things to even recognising that I unconsciously acted as if I believed in this delusion, let alone tackling the problem.

There are changes I'm going to have to make to break out of this now-conscious social training. I've got to look after myself, in a much less perfunctory way. I need to be remembering that in order to be healthy I have to nourish and care for my mind and my body. I need to harmonise myself, retune my mind into my body. To train myself to believe, consciously and unconsciously that mind and body are one.

In the mirror

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:50:00 +0000

Last night I had to get changed in a bathroom with a full length mirror. I've not seen myself in full length (almost) nudity for so long that I feel it deserves a blog entry.

Seeing myself all at once, made me pause (even though I was in a rush) - and brought up quite a lot of thoughts and feelings I wanted to share.

The first things I saw looking in the mirror were the parts of my body I don't like (which in the spirit of openness I will share)

1. My belly - which is a little large for my liking, I admit. Especially as it seems a little out of proportion with the rest of me
2. My stretchmarks, especially the livid red ones under my stomach and on my upper thighs which appeared with me putting weight on recently (immediately following yet another doomed diet, of course).

And that's it for the dislikes.

Now for the likes

1. My big boobs, which are in proportion with my body
2. My arse, which is nice and high and firm
3. My waist - which is, even without my clothes, really rather defined so I have a good hourglass thing going on.
4. My belly and boobs are both quite firm, I don't have anything that sags.
5. My skin, for the most part, is smooth, soft and silky - and looks healthy.
6. My hair and face - I have pretty eyes, a straight normal-size nose, high cheekbones - I do ok :)

In the past I have looked at myself and only seen the negative, and this has driven me to treat my body very badly. I'm surprised, after so many years of disrespecting my body I can now find so many things to like about it. Perhaps now it's time to reward myself by treating my body with the respect it deserves.
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Comment Moderation

noreply@blogger.com (CRR) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:48:00 +0000

Just to make it perfectly clear - all comments on my blog are moderated and any comments which I deam offensive, unhelful or that I just plain don't like will be deleted.

Doesn't mean I won't open them up to public ridicule though.

So, Anonymous, if that is your real name, congratulations! You have been awarded the auspicious prize for "first stupid comment on the blog" with this stunning example of general ignorance:

"Why, for the love of all things decent, won't you just stop eating"

I shall, on this occasion, indulge you with a reply...

1. Because I'd be hungry
2. Because I'd get sick
3. Because I don't want to
4. Because I'd die
and finally...
5. Because I couldn't give a rat's arse about "all things decent." "Decent" is just not rock n' roll.